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jungshookz · 5 years

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i spy with my little eye; jjk

🎃 pairing: jeon jungkook x reader

🎃 genre: spooktober day (1/7); i don’t think this counts as horror but i’ll say it’s horror anyway

🎃 wordcount: 2k

🎃 notes: i decided to hop on the spooktober bandwagon literally like an hour ago because i miss writing short n sweet drabbles and i’m sick of studying for midterms and i’m in the mood to creep! people! out! so i hope this is an acceptable fiRSt piece leading up to halloween! i’m hoping to have a short drabble out every day but we’ll see how that works out lmao anYWAYs i hope you enjoy this first drabble and- wtf who the hell is that behind you????

(i’m having some trouble finding the original source of the picture but i got it off this website!)

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jungkook has never really believed in the concept of soulmates

it just doesn’t make sense to him

whY in the world would the gods up there be wasting time pairing people up with their so-called perfect match when they could be doing something a lot more productive??

like.,.,,. stoPPING global warming

or keeping the national forests from burning down???

to be fair there are a lot of things that humans could do to prevent those things from happening but the poINT is:

jungkook doesn’t believe in soulmates

that is…until you came along.

if it wasn’t already obvious by now, you are the absolute apple!!!! of jungkook’s eye

he’s just so painfully in love with you that sometimes he doesn’t know what to do with all of these emotions and he just!!!!!

aHHH!!!!!!

here’s a quick breakdown of all of the things jungkook loves about you :-)

1) when you’re laughing especially hard at something, sometimes you unintentionally let out a little snort and he can’t help but think that that’s the cuTEst thing in the entire world even though you’ve openly expressed how emBArrassing it is to you

2) when you’re concentrating hard in class on what the professor’s saying, there’s always a little divot in between your brows and soMetimes a bit of your tongue will poke out in between your lips as you furiously try to copy whatever it is the professor has on the screen in front of everyone

3) you always smell so nice!!! he can’t quite put his finger on it but it’s a light perfume with hints of what he thinks might be honeysuckle? he’s not sure about that one so he’ll have to ask you to double-check

4) sometimes when you’re nervous about something you’ll twiddle a piece of hair in between your fingers and he doesn’t know why he finds that so endearing but it just is

5) oh my god you are sO cute when you fall asleep on your couch during the middle of a netflix binge or a study session

it’s kind of funny because you fall asleep in the strangest positions

sometimes you’ll be on your back with one leg hanging over the back of the couch and the other kinda just flopping oFF the couch

sometimes you’ll be on your front curled up to one of your throw pillows

either way jungkook always makes sure that you stay nice and warm by covering you with a blanket when you fall asleep

and trust him, he knoWS it’s probably the cheesiest thing in the entire world to say but he’s almost positive that you’re the one for him

jungkook lets out a light chuckle and shakes his head as he crosses the street

the streetlight at the end of the sidewalk flickers slightly and he shivers before shoving his hands into his pocket

it’s getting cold out

he hopes you’re bundled up!

what was he thinking about again

yes

you!

you and the fact that you! are! the! one! for! him!!!!!

little ol’ him!!!!!!!

never in a million years did he think he’d ever be saying that

but it’s true!

you’ve turned his whole world upside down and he wouldn’t have it in any other way

he just wants to love you and protect you from all the bad things in the world and keep you warm and safe and happy and-

jungkook is suddenly puLLed out of his thoughts quite abruptly when someone raMs right into him as he rounds the corner

“shoot, i am sO sorry-!“

it takes a second for jungkook to compose himself but once the world stops spinning he perks up because hEy

it’s you!!!!!!

…what the heCk are you doing out so late at night??

it’s not safe out here!!!!

knowing you, you probably stayed late to finish up a project or something

almost immediately the corner of jungkook’s lips tug up in a smile and you return one in response

“i’m sorry, i was texting someone and i wasn’t watching where i was going- are you okay?”

“i’m good. great, in fact.” jungkook breathes out as you hand him back his phone that you knocked out of his hand

a moment of silence goes by before you speak up again

“…i’m sorry, i just- i feel like i know you from somewhere. do i… know you from somewhere?”

here’s a quick breakdown of all of the things jungkook has observed about you and has grown to love about you :-)

he overheard one of your friends - jimin, that’s what your friend’s name is - teasing you about your snort and even going as far as to imitate your snort and something about that just didn’t sit right with him

which is why he scratched up the sides of jimin’s jeep with his keys :-)

in time he’ll figure out a way to fully get rid of jimin

you seem to have a lot of male friends which is definitely a bit of a problem but he’s sure he can handle them just fine!

the only reason why jungkook knows that is because he has coincidentally enrolled in the exact same courses as you which means he has the exact same schedule as you which mEans that he just so happens to be where you are at any given hour of the day

he knows that your coffee order in the morning is an iced vanilla coffee with 2% milk (it’s getting chillier though so maybe you should start drinking hot coffee instead, just a suggestion)

he knows that you hang out at the library for two hours before your - and his - first class starts for the day

he knows that you always meet up for lunch with your group of aforementioned male friends and he knows almost everything about them

jimin, taehyung, yoongi, namjoon, jin, and hoseok

to be fair they seem like a group of nice people but jungkook can’t have anyone else vying for your heart

that just won’t dO

now that you’re standing right in front of him (and with the help of the sLight breeze) he can 100% confirm that your perfume has hints of honeysuckle in it

he bought a perfume the other day and he’s pretty sure he got the right one

the store clerk asked if he was buying it for his girlfriend and he happily said yes to that question

he sprayed every inch of his apartment with the perfume and now everything smells like you

:-)

which is exactly what he wanted

:-)

4) sometimes when you’re nervous about something you’ll twiddle a piece of hair in between your fingers

jungkook has been told that he’s a very observant person so he picks up on a lot of things

he knows about every single one of your nervous habits

one time he saw taehyung tuck a strand of hair behind your ear after you stopped twiddling with it and he got sO upset at observing that with his own two eyes that he snapped his pencil in half

the absolute audaCITY of taehyung to think that he’s worthy of even laying a finger on you

(apparently taehyung has a slight peanut allergy which is a piece of very interesting information jungkook recently learned.)

5) oh my god you are sO cute when you fall asleep on your couch during the middle of a netflix binge or a study session

jungkook always makes sure to check up on you in your apartment

by the way, you should really learn to lock your front door and your windows

there are some really bad people out there who might want to hurt you!!! you need to learn how to protect yourself >:-(

one night you kind of woke up when he was in the middle of covering you with a blanket and he’s 99.9% sure that you caught a glimpse of him

but in your drowsy state you literally just fell back asleep and snuggled further into the couch pillows and jungkook snuck out without waking you up (he managed to grab one of your shirts out of the laundry basket before leaving so,.,.,. mission succESS)

(when you woke up later that night you found it odd that a) you were covered with a blanket and b) the tv was off and you knEW you left it on when you fell asleep)

“am i just the asshole with the bad memory or am i being crazy?” you joke and pull your jacket tighter around yourself

“don’t worry, you’re not the crazy one.” jungkook teases before shaking his head “nah, we don’t know each other.”

“oh.” you deflate a little before narrowing your eyes slightly

you feel like you’ve seen this guy before but you’re not sure where

for the record he’s kinda cuTe??

he has that e-boy thing going on

you know

the dark hair, the earrings, the cargo pants, the chuNky boots

…you’re kinda into it

maybe it’s just because a lot of guys have been dressing up like that lately that you think he looks so familiar

“i’ve been told i just have one of those faces, you know?” jungkook shrugs casually and shoves his hands into his pockets

“ah, that makes sense. sorry about that, i just… you look really familiar!” you laugh lightly and jungkook shrugs again before letting out a chuckle “by the way, you should probably head home now because it’s getting pretty dark out-“ you pause and look around before leaning in a little “i hear there’s a crazy guy on the loose.”

jungkook raises a brow “oh, really? i didn’t hear anything about that.”

“mm, it’s all over the school papers. one of my friends had their car, like, suPer scratched up so- just stay safe!” you chirp and let out a little sigh “anyways, i have to hurry to the bus stop if i wanna catch the next one on time.” you point to over his shoulder at where the bus stop is

“right, right…” jungkook’s eyes follow your hand as you reach up to tuck a strand of hair behind your ear

he did a pretty good job at snipping off that lock of your hair when you were asleep

you can barely tell that there’s a bit of hair missing

“sorry about the mix-up, by the way. i really thought i knew you…”

it’s unfortunate that you don’t know him

because he knows you.

he knows you better than he knows the back of his hand.

heCk, he knows the back of your hand better than he knows the back of his hand

it’s fine

in time, you’ll get to know him.

you will.

jungkook smirks to himself as he begins walking again and he fiddles with the lock of your hair that he has stashed away in his pocket

oh, you will.

(the next morning you spend forty minutes searching for your favourite shirt but you never end up finding it.)

((if you had paid a little more attention to jungkook’s phone, you would’ve noticed that his lock screen was a picture of you sleeping.))

help me help you make your wishes come tru (aka send me a spooky request)

drabble masterlist // main masterlist

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yggdrasil-mith0s · 4 years

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Wtf wtf. I have to rant so please ignore this. Truly it's just a rant and way for me to vent right now and just talk to the void. I actually dont want anyone to read this cause it's me crying and venting. I dont want to annoy anyone or worry anyone so just scroll past. I'll probably delete it soon.

My roommate is fucked up, I think. He woke me up, threatening to kick me out saying I owe him 250 in rent. He said I didnt pay the second half of it. Which we talked about it a while ago and he said I was okay. That we were squared away cause I paid an extra 250 in October when there was 3 pay periods in the month. I told him I was short and my check was shit and brought up October. He said it was okay and I still paid him 100 but now he is saying I still owe him 250. I'm so close to moving out but i cant until i get my car but i might be kicked out anyways? Idk what to do. Why does bad shit keep happening. My anxiety cant take anymore, I am about to break. Im gonna have another panic attack here soon. I know it. I cant. I cant do this anymore. Im tired of my life. Im tired of living in this shit. Please someone get me out of this hell hole. Someone get me a job doing whatever anywhere else and I will be so grateful. I will work my ass off. I need help. I need to get away from this area. I was happy when I got to NC because I wasnt around all these bullshit people and liars. Now I'm stuck back in this town and I just want to get away. I want a job that pays well. Or a job that's hard working but gives me a place to stay. I'm not religious, though I grew up going to church, but I've been rocking back and forth praying to god a miracle happens or something changes. Idk if god even exist or even so if he would listen to me. I dont deserve this. I know I dont. I've been clean for over 2 years trying my hardest. I made all my amends. I've been giving and giving. I help so many people even if it's small stuff like picking up a few bucks that someone was short on for food at work. Or giving them free food/desert just cause they are kind. I always hold doors open, I gave people rides even when I couldn't afford gas. I dont have a car anymore but I would do the same now. It's going to cost me 300 total to get my car back now. Some as a down payment, gas to it, and gas otw back cause I owe 500+technically to the tow place. But I cant afford that. I had some but had to use it for food. I wish I would've worked while I had the flu but I knew I would get other people sick so I didnt. I was out 10 days and only had 2 short days on the pay period. I've racked up decent hours for this pay period cause my boss gave me 2 doubles to help make up but it doesn't help when I get paid the friday after next. I'm so so so screwed now and I'm panicking and dont know what to do. I've asked for too much help and I dont want to ask, I'd rather give up. Thatd the best thing for me to do instead of annoy people. I'm sure people are sick of me. I'm sick of me at this point tbh. I tbh. I give up. I'm done. I cant do this anymore. I'm sorry but I can't. I love you all so much and appreciate everything. I'm sorry I'm a failure, though. I'm sorry I never amounted to anything more. I'm so sorry that I have no strength left to fight. I know the stupid little kind things and gestures I do doesn't mean the world or anyone else owes me anything at all. I know that's not how things work. No one owes me shit but c'mon God/karma/whatever. Please give me a break. I cant fight and keep going like this anymore. I'm begging and pleading for a break right now.

#vent #personal #venting #upset #i need a break #praying

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pinkbubbles-and-bigtroubles · 5 years

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You Don’t Know Me

Not smut just some very soft oblivious Luke

You knew something was wrong. Luke didn't always text you back right away, but in the entire time you'd know him he'd never left you on read. You knew sometimes he was too busy to check his messages for hours, especially if he was on the road. You expected that, and never worried or got irritated if he didn't text you back, but that was before the disaster at Calum's party.

The weekend had been rough. Saturday night there had been a crazy party at Calum's house and everyone was getting wasted. You'd seen Luke show up with his girlfriend per fucking usual. You hated that it bothered you, after all they'd been together six months, Leila considered you a friend. You had tried to like her but the more you saw them together, the more it got under your skin. They argued constantly these past couple months, and lately you never saw Luke without her around. The party was no different, you'd barely gotten to talk to Luke for two minutes before she was dragging him away to hang out with her friends.

When they'd started arguing yet again something in you had snapped. You'd started downing tequila shots like you were trying to drown your emotions in liquor. The alcohol, instead of extinguishing the flames, just made them burn brighter. Sure enough you'd ended up in the upstairs bathroom tearfully confessing your deepest secrets to Calum when you weren't heaving your guts up.

Calum was sympathetic, rubbing your back and trying to calm you down. You claimed to love all the guys as if they were your brothers, and with Calum that was particularly true. He'd been the first to call you on your feelings months ago. Calum saw the connection you had with Luke and it was obvious it was more than just friends, but you tried to play it off. Luke only liked a certain type, tall and lean, and much hotter than you could ever hope to be.

Still, you were the one he came to when he and his girlfriend had problems. It was you he confessed his fears to late at night when he was homesick from being on the road. You were the one he sought advice from, and the person he trusted most. He was like a brother to you, or at least you pretended that was the case, until the Patron came right back up along with your feelings.

Luke came to check on you and Calum ran him off. You'd heard shouting between the two of them before they were separated. Calum came back to you followed by your friend Eva and the two of them got you home.

You crawled to your couch, not able to make it up the stairs to your bedroom, plus the bathroom was nearby. They got you set up with a towel, some water and Advil before Eva took Calum up to your room. Their moans were the last thing you heard before you passed out.

When you woke up you were in your bed in last night's clothes but on fresh sheets. Your phone was plugged in and charging next to a bottle of coconut water. Your throat felt like sandpaper so your chugged the bottle almost choking halfway through when Luke walked into your bedroom.

"What are you doing here?" You sputter trying to remember the previous night.

"Came to check on you." He sat down next to you on the bed sliding over so you're leaning against his chest. "You were wild last night, what got into you?"

"Tequila mostly," you groan, squeezing your eyes shut at the memory.

"I noticed." Luke sounded annoyed but when you looked at him, he smiled down at you. "You seemed upset about something, were you mad at me?"

Fear shot chills through your entire body as you remember why you'd started drinking. You had been angry with him, but it wasn't his fault. You were angry because you were jealous, horny and frustrated from denying your feelings for him. You were pissed at yourself for not being able to say anything, because you knew he didn't feel the same way. You were like a sister to him and you didn't want to destroy what you had.

"I can't remember anything except getting sick, I barely remember getting home," you lie, closing your eyes to avoid looking at him.

"Can you get me another water please?"

You could feel the tension in his body ease for a second as he gave you a little squeeze, "of course, do you want some food or anything else?"

Your stomach twisted at the thought and you shook your head, and you saw the tight expression return to his face. He was clearly annoyed by the whole situation, but dutifully returned with two bottles of coconut water, a Powerade, animal crackers and a banana.

"Wait where did that come from? Did you bring that all with you?" Your brain hurt trying to remember the last time you'd gone grocery shopping.

"Yeah, I thought you might need it. You probably should change, you good on that?" He blushed and busied himself arranging your snacks for you.

You realize you're still in your jumpsuit that zips up the back, worse the room is still swaying.

"Please," you manage to squeak out. "Can you grab my big purple t shirt and I have a pair a grey shorts in my second drawer."

He got your clothes and you put the shirt on over your head letting it rest on your shoulders as he stood you up. You wrapped your arms around him as he unzipped your suit and unclasped your bra. The feeling of his fingers grazing your bare back made you gasp, and you hoped he didn't notice. He pulled back and lowered the oversized shirt as your clothes fell to the floor. He sat you back on the bed and got your feet into your shorts and the two of you worked together to get them up your legs.

"Are you ok?" Luke suddenly looked concerned.

"I'm gonna be sick, I'm sorry," you whispered.

He carried you to the little bathroom connected to your bedroom and held you as you heaved and coughed. You could hear him muttering to himself behind you.

"I'm gonna kill Calum for letting it get this far. He shouldn't have let you drink that much."

"Hey," you protested weakly, "it's not Calum's fault I'm an idiot. He shouldn't have to babysit me. I can handle myself."

"That is obviously not true, look what happened," he scoffed. "Come on, let's get you back to bed."

"Well we can't all have hot girlfriends, that we're constantly fighting with," you complained as he got you settled in comfortably.

"If I didn't know better I'd think you were jealous," he teased. "I thought you two were friends."

"Uh we are, it's just that you two have kind of been fighting a lot lately." You tried to walk it back.

"Don't," he sighed, clearly annoyed again. "Last night we were arguing about you so you weren't the only one pretending. Why can't people just be honest?"

"Was that a dig at me?" You pout at him, getting irritated yourself.

"A little bit, I heard some of what you said to Calum. It sounded pretty serious, but you refused to talk to me. I had to leave because Calum was getting super aggressive, and wouldn't let me see you. He wouldn't let anyone near you actually, except Eva. What the hell was that all about?" Luke's jaw was clenched tight and he was scrolling through Netflix on your bedroom TV, refusing to look at you.

"I don't know why Calum was acting like that," you told himand he shook his head. "Maybe I feel like hot garbage right now and don't want to analyze everything. I'm not even sure why I got so upset. It really is kind of hazy," you used your baby voice and he couldn't help but smile. He put a pillow on his lap and let you rest your head as you started watching TV. He played with your hair and rubbed your back until you were practically purring.

Suddenly you remembered, "wait why were you two fighting about me?" You sat up quickly and regretted it just as fast. Luke steadied you and laid you back down gently. "She thinks we're too close. She never had a problem before but now she says it's different."

"What did she say?" You were fighting sleep and he knew it.

"Get some rest," his fingers grazed your skin, his voice low. "We can talk later, I'm not going anywhere."

When you woke hours later you could hear Luke downstairs in the kitchen and you could smell bacon. Your stomach growled and you reached out for the cookies he'd left for you. Nibbling on them helped but you decided you wanted to try whatever he was cooking. You reached for your phone to text him when you saw several missed calls and messages. Plenty of your friends were at the party and wanted to check up on you but you scrolled down to Eva first.

How's everything with Luke? He was pissed when he showed up this morning. He made me change your sheets before he carried you upstairs, and then made me take them home and wash them. Wtf even happened last night? You were fine and then next thing I know Calum is coming to get me because you're fucking wasted. You were saying some crazy shit last night. If you really feel that strongly you need to tell him bc I heard them fighting. His girlfriend thinks you like him and doesn't want y'all hanging out anymore. Cut that bitch off at the knees babe hmu later so I can tell you about Calum

You texted Luke below he could come back upstairs

Idk what you're cooking but it smells amazing. Can I have a bite? Please?

He answered quickly

I was hoping you'd be hungry. I'll make you a little plate. Drink water

You smiled, letting yourself enjoy being domestic with Luke for a day. You quickly scroll back down to check the texts from Calum.

You owe me big time. Luke almost swung on me twice. He's furious I let you drink too much and was worried I had a thing for you. Good thing I had Eva walking sideways 😝😝😝

You need to talk to him, there's got to be a reason he's so overprotective. Hmmmm

His gf is looking for him, he's ignoring her to take care of you. Lucky you have such a good friend right?

You answered Calum back listening for Luke

Yeah he's mad at me too, it's not just you

Did he leave? I thought he was staying there?

Yeah he's downstairs making us food

Oh yeah he sounds really pissed lol tell him I said hi

You heard Luke coming up the stairs

Not a chance, gotta go, he's coming

You put your phone back on the charger and scrambled back onto the pillow before he came back into the room carrying two plates. He'd made bacon and eggs for himself but you hated eggs so he'd made you tater tots covered in bacon and cheese with ranch dressing on the side. He was trying not to eat carbs, but always stole bites off your plate insisting those calories didn't count. You put queer eye on Netflix and you sat side by side, propped up with pillows against the headboard while you ate. He claimed not to like the show, but you knew JVN and Karamo were his favorites. He always laughed at you because you always cried watching this show but he also got choked up a bit from time to time. Your leg was pressed against his and your felt his phone vibrating, text after text, call after call and he ignored them all.

"Are you just gonna let everything go to voicemail?" You asked.

"Told you I didn't want to talk about it, got some thinking to do," his voice was hollow and he was really starting to worry you.

"Why won't you talk to me Luke? I don't understand what's going on." You ask finishing your food.

"I don't either," he sighed. "Why didn't you tell me you like someone?"

"What are you talking about?" You decide to admit nothing until you know what he knows.

"One minute you're hanging with Calum and Mikey, dancing and having fun. By the time I see you next you're in tears and crying to Calum about how you can never get him to notice you. That he doesn't look at you that way. How can he be so sexy with those eyes, his body, the way he moves across a room. Why didn't you tell me?" Luke turned big puppy dog eyes on you and your entire body is hot with embarrassment. You don't remember saying that, but you knew exactly who you meant. How are you going to explain yourself?

Luke surprises you when he keeps talking,"I don't want to tell you what to do, but you know how Michael is with women. He's one of my best friends, my brother, but he only wants one thing and you're worth more than that."

You start laughing, unable to believe Luke is so clueless to think you're after Michael. Not that you'd mind a hookup, you'd heard the rumors about how good he was in bed. You were also aware Michael never caught feelings and soon grew bored with any girl he took to bed.

"I'm not into Mikey like that," you told him. "He was going to be a distraction but I got too drunk."

"So who were you crying over, I want to know who's ass to kick." Luke looked relieved but still concerned.

"It's not important now," you tell him. "He has a girlfriend, and he doesn't see me that way."

Luke frowned, opened his mouth to speak before snapping it shut and closing his eyes. He looked back down at you, "if he doesn't see how wonderful you are, then he definitely doesn't deserve your tears." He reached over and squeezed your leg and it jolted through your entire body. You grabbed his empty plate and swung your legs over the side of the bed. It was only when you stood up and the entire room swayed your remembered your pounding head. Luke was up and next to you in a flash.

"No no no sweetie easy," he took the plates out of your hands and sat you back down. "I'll take care of that, drink some water for me." You nodded and complied, feeling your head ease up a bit.

"I need to take a shower," you insisted.

"Fine, I'll do the dishes so you can have some privacy." Luke walked you to the bathroom and made sure you had towels and your big fluffy robe. You were still a bit woozy but slow deliberate movements kept it mostly at bay.

The water felt like heaven against your skin. For several moments you just let it pour over you, hoping it could wash away your feelings. It didn't work, especially when soaping yourself down you imagined for a second not being alone in the shower. What it would be like to have him pressed against you, his hands on your wet skin.

You groaned in frustration because you felt too awful to get yourself off but thinking about Luke in the shower left you incredibly horny. You finished your shower and shut off the water. Wrapped in your robe and with a towel on your head you sat on the edge of your tub to think about everything. You couldn't deny your feelings for Luke any longer, but had no idea what to do about them. You were starting to suspect he was a little conflicted himself. You decided to test that a bit, and made your way back to your room. Despite it being just after six pm you dug through your pajama drawer finding a matching grey tank and shorts set that was girly cute but not obviously sexy, with a pink lace bralette and purple boy shorts underneath. Sitting on your bed you got the bralette and tank top on just fine, but bending over to try and pull up your panties was not happening. You texted Luke downstairs

I need help getting dressed

He came back upstairs quickly his eyes going wide as he realized your predicament.

"Can you please just hook them on my feet and pull them up where I can reach?" You tried sounding irritated but you were super nervous. So was he from the looks of it, he nodded and swallowed before kneeling and carefully looping the underwear over your feet pulling them up until your hands met his just below your knees. The whole time not looking up at you but his eyes fixed on the hem of your shirt as it grazed your thighs. You saw him blink back to reality and abruptly stand up and turn around. You pulled the panties over your hips and sat back up.

"You can turn back around now." You teased him, handing him the shorts when he did. Same thing only this time he let his hands reach your thighs before he stopped, and when took the fabric from his fingers they lingered hovering before brushing the inside of your thigh with the back of his knuckles.

"Your skin is so soft." You barely heard him and you saw him flush red when he realized what he'd said. He stood up just as you leaned forward and smacked his head into yours.

You both yelped in pain and shock before collapsing onto the bed. You lay there almost in tears until Luke started giggling, which is contagious and soon you're both cracking up.

This doesn't help your headache and when he sees you wince he stops laughing and pulls himself over next to you. Resting on his side on one elbow he inspects the small knot forming at your hairline. He presses a kiss to the spot and you look up at him and return the favor, smoothing his curls away from his forehead and ghosting your lips across his skin before lying back down. You feel the tension in the air and you decide to make a move. Until your stomach growls breaking the spell. Luke laughs and pats your belly, "Let's get some dinner and watch a movie."

He carries you downstairs on his back and puts you on the couch so you can order takeout. You already had his order memorized, grilled chicken wrap, no cheese, extra chicken add avocado. You got a chicken pita, extra feta because he always stole some of it. Luke let you pick the movies grumbling when you picked Aladdin yet he always sang along to every song. You would sing with him on the silly songs like "Friend Like Me"and "Prince Ali" , but left the "A whole new world" to him alone, sometimes closing your eyes and just listening to his voice.

The food arrives just as he's finishing the song.

"Ugh I'm starving," he pushes off the couch to answer the door.

He comes back with the food and gets everything set up, winking at you as he immediately stole a big chunk of feta.

The two of you got quiet as you ate, randomly throwing out lines, by the time the movie was over you were both finished and full.

You were getting a bit sleepy so he put Moana on next and laid your head on a pillow in his lap.

As you watched the movie you became distracted by a loose bright yellow thread in the inseam of his shorts. Rubbing your finger along the seam trying to figure out where the pull started you didn't realize what you were doing until Luke snapped "can you just watch the movie?"

You were taken aback by the harsh tone until you felt him reach inner the pillow to adjust himself. Then you decided to push it up a notch toying with the hem of his shorts before resting your hand on his thigh and giving him a little squeeze.

"Thank you for taking care of me today, I appreciate it," you keep your voice low and stretch your legs out a bit letting your shorts ride up. After a few minutes of you moving around Luke finally taps your shoulder.

"I gotta go to the bathroom," he tells you and you sat up, noticing the bulge he tried to hide in his shorts.

When he got back you saw it was gone and he seemed more relaxed. Luke checked the time on his phone.

"I should go before I fall asleep here, and really get myself into trouble." He grins at you and helps you to your feet for a hug.

"Make sure you keep drinking water and no more drinking like that ok. I don't like seeing my girl upset like that, he doesn't deserve it," Luke tilted your chin up to meet his eyes. He looked at you with such warmth and caring you didn't want him to leave but you couldn't make yourself tell him that. "And no Michael, no Calum, you're off limits and they know this "

"You're not my daddy," you pout sticking out your tongue at him. "What are you gonna do about Leila? She knows you've been here all day and she's pissed," you asked him.

His face darkened, "how do you know that?"

You realize Luke hadn't told you that, Calum had. Your expression tells on you and Luke nods, "I'll deal with him tomorrow. You need to get some rest, can you get back upstairs?"

You nod, "yeah I'm feeling better, you make a good nurse."

"Anything for you sweetheart." He wraps you in a hug again kissing your forehead. "You know you're like family to me "

"Yeah that's the problem." The words are out of your mouth before your realize it and for a second you think they were too muffled for him to hear.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Luke pulls back from you. His eyes searching yours, and you can't believe he's that surprised.

"Break up with your girlfriend and we'll find out." You blurt out the words and instantly want to take it all back. You pulled back and turned away from him, but he stepped up behind you, just like he has a million times before, and squeezed your shoulders while kissing the top of your head.

"I'll talk to you tomorrow." Then he's gone.

You text Eva and she rushes over. The next two hours are a rehashing of every second with Luke as well as more information than you needed about Calum's big dick.

That all happened Sunday. Monday you hadn't heard a word from anyone until Calum texted you after your got home from work.

They broke up, and he's still not talking to me. He even got into it with Michael today telling him you were off limits. What has he said to you?

Nothing, once I told him I didn't want him to think of me like a sister I haven't heard a word. I fucked everything up

You said something? Haha No wonder he's freaking out. I don't think you fucked up, but you definitely hit a nerve. You'll hear from him soon

That was Monday, it was now Wednesday and he still hadn't contacted you aside from liking your posts on social media. You'd even texted him yesterday

Heard what happened, hope you're doing ok. Lmk if you need anything

He'd read it almost immediately but hadn't replied. Michael ended up DM'ing you that night to ask you what happened, and why Luke was trying to warn him off. You had to admit you'd told Luke you found him attractive and thought he'd make a nice distraction from your current problems.

Radio silence stretched until Friday. By the you were a nervous wreck trying to stay busy and not think about it. That just made you think about it more until Luke finally texted you

Hey sorry, I've just been dealing with a lot lately. Tell your mom I said happy birthday, miss ya

You blinked back tears, not because you were hurt, but because you were pissed. What kind of half assed message was that? After what went down Sunday, not to mention waiting five days to contact you in general.

Thanks I'll let her know, going out this weekend, hope to see ya

Prob not but will see

You were stunned at his answer and Calum agreed he was acting like a bitch. Calum and Michael had already convinced you to come out to the club with them Friday. Luke was mad and wouldn't go so you could have fun without worrying about Luke and whatever was going on between the two of you.

You and Eva showed up to the club that night and gave your names at the door. Calum put you on the list for VIP so you went all out. Your black halter top and a silver sequin mini skirt must've looked decent on you given the wicked grin Michael gave you when he saw you. You took a shot from Calum's hand and raised a toast, "to moderation," and you both laughed taking the shot. It was then you saw Luke, sitting in the corner and glaring at you.

"What is he doing here?" You hiss at Calum who shrugs.

"He found out you were coming and suddenly he had to be here. He's mad at us so we're not fucking with him right now. Ignore him, have fun with us."

Eva pulled her onto the floor and they danced together feeling the guys watching them. After a couple songs you wanted a glass of water. Michael was right there, handing you water and flagging down the server so you could order something stronger. You got a tall vodka and cranberry and cozied up to Michael. He was whispering to you and cracking jokes to make you laugh while never getting too handsy or flirty. Calum and Eva were all over each other and you caught Luke's eye as Michael murmured something in your ear. Luke glared at you and you responded by blowing him a kiss.

Luke almost smiled but he looked away, determined to be difficult.

You rolled your eyes and let Ashton lead you out to the dance floor. Music was blasting and you were a decent dancer, and Ashton knew some moves. It was sensual, but not too sexy and you felt he was holding back.

"I thought you were supposed to have hips," you teased him as he turned you three times before bringing you back into him, his fingers lightly resting on your hips.

Accepting the challenge he rolled his hips, thrusting a bit more aggressively against you. Calum noticed and began to cheer you guys on as you danced closer together. You saw Luke stand up. Michael held him back, trying to talk him down, but Luke pushed past him towards where you were.

He cut in and Ashton gave you a wink as he backed away. You kept dancing as if you didn't notice. Luke's fingers dug into your hips as he pressed himself against your back, rocking his hips in time with yours, with his breath hot on your neck. Your fingers entwined with his as you followed familiar steps with your favorite dance partner.

"Come on now, Ashton? What are you thinking? He's worse than Mike. I don't want you being just another one of his girls," Luke snapped.

"You haven't talked to me all week." You shot back. "How am I supposed to know what you want? Besides you're not my father, my brother or my boyfriend so you don't really get an opinion."

"We can work on that." He spun you around, your chest pressed to his staring down at you.

"What's that supposed to mean?" You ask, unable to stop staring at his lips.

"Kiss me and we'll find out." He winked just before his mouth was on yours. His arms circled your waist as your hands crept up his chest feeling his heartbeat race as he kissed you.

You were interrupted seconds later by Calum hugging the two of you, jumping around screaming "I knew it, I knew it."

"Fuck off Calum," Luke snarled and you laughed.

"No way, I'm a fucking matchmaker and I want credit." Calum was smiling at you proudly. "I knew you guys would be perfect together."

Luke laughed and pushed Calum out of the way so he could kiss you again.

@kiiiimberlyriiiicker1995 @ghostofmashton @5sosnsfw @irwinkitten @sexgodashton @maluminspace @kchillout

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i-rove-rock-n-roll · 5 years

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I just found my writing from elementary school. (Ages 6-10 mostly, though some of this came later)

Such hits as

Raindeer Trouble (corrected by the teacher as Reindeer Trouble) a one page story where Santa’s reindeer are sick, then have a miraculous recovery, all taking place a week before Christmas. I wrote it in either first or second grade, if memory serves me correctly (which I doubt it is)

Monkey Madness-written maybe a year later? Basically there’s this witch that hates the superhero Underdog’s guts (I had just seen the live action movie and loved it) and her plan was to make a super powered monkey to hypnotize to do her bidding. Her end goal was to become world leader and have everyone dress up as scary monsters for Halloween, rather than superheroes and “something else good and sweet”. Whatever that means. Then she started kidnapping people with the monkey’s help and turning them into real monsters. Eventually the monkey starts asking questions, like, “can you carve carnivorous cotton candy into kittys (kitties)?” (Idk wtf that even has to do with the rest of the plot but he gets sulky cause she doesn’t make him a cat at one point) There’s more gems in this one, plus a really wacky fight scene. This one was most definitely second grade, since a few words are in cursive, which I had just started learning. I also remember drawing a “cover” to this one, but idk where it is now.

The next one is Super Horse Heros (Heroes). I basically wrote down the stories my gram used to tell my sister and I when we demanded bedtime stories. An old horse wants a new life, and has to do 3 good deeds before his fairy god horse will turn him into a ‘“unisus” (unicorn/Pegasus combo). After that, the unisus saves a bunch of horses who were kidnapped and shipped to a glue factory. Then they became the Super Horse Heroes, saving children lost in cornfields (aka my sister and I) and flying off into the sunset.

I also found 2 essays in this folder-one about The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand, and the other a 12 page paper on the possibility of life elsewhere in the universe which I used to apply to college.

Also a drawing of the Moirae and a spinning wheel that isn’t half bad.

Back to the writing!

Let’s see...a type written version (I used to have a typewriter before SOMEONE broke it one time when I moved) of Reindeer Trouble.

Oh! Here’s a gem! It’s titled: A Bad Toddler Finds a treasure at a popular amusement park. He finds literal treasure, fame, fortune, and an old boot.

The Adventures of Pretzel Man! With a little drawing in the corner. (I used to have a Nabisco pretzel looking doll, that was the inspo) He sells pretzels by day apparently and also fights crime. His enemy in this story is creatively called Taffy Laffy, who turns people into Taffy Zombies, and—

This story is unfinished. WHAT? I was actually wanting to know the end!

Ugh. Anyway, let’s continue

This next one is called Turkey Terror: a turkey’s life from my point of view. Basically this kid gets turned into a turkey (but they still have their own head??) it’s also 2 days before thanksgiving. The turkey kid’s name is apparently Sheldon, who makes friends with a chipmunk named Chippy...who is a total backstabbing liar leading Sheldon to an ambush in a cave, where he gets a bullet to the head, only to wake up and find it was all a dream...

WTF PAST ME?? WHAT—

More drawings in here, terribly proportioned gangster from the 20s...some drawings I did of phantom of the opera (I, uh, copied some drawings I liked by other artists at the time with the sole intention of just sticking them on my wall because i apparently forgot what a printer was)

Drawings of flowers...drawing of my dog’s eyeball for whatever reason...

Heaven or Hell: Gateway to Another World (keep in mind I was going based off of cartoons but I think my complete lack of understanding of religion is why I would up majoring in it)

More writing, some based on the imagery I got from songs I was listening to... one page thing I apparently wrote about the death of Jesus (???) once I had seen and been awestruck by Michaelangelo’s Pieta (on screen unfortunately, I’ve never seen it in person)

A paper with only one line on it saying “Mrs. Jenelle Hartson née Deveroux was always the first to tell anyone she was a crazy old bat”

Okay.

Oh no! Well, not no, but well—

Basically scrap paper bits of To Kill A Mockingbird from Boo Radleys POV. The whole thing would up being like 15 pages and was turned in for a school assignment. I think I scared the teacher with how long it was since he only asked for 2-3 pages. I have the whole thing on here somewhere in all it’s terrible glory if any of you want....

Bingo! Found a bunch from a wip I really liked like, 6-7 years ago! (So early high school) Scientist named Phineas Lancaster develops a way to jump between universes, is being pursued by the government, and winds up running into himself, but a deadbeat version who dropped out of college after a horrible accident. Let’s see what gems are in here....

“Phineas Lancaster, resident bum and professional alcoholic of the sprawling town Rock Falls, woke up feeling as if he had been slammed into by a bus. He hadn’t, but for a minute he’d thought he’d wandered into the middle of 32nd Avenue during Rush hour. Again.”

(Phineas, realizing he was kidnapped by a dude he doesn’t realize is himself from another universe) “His captor smiled at him in what he must have thought was [a] friendly way. Phineas was now more irritated than before when he noticed the flashing white of his captor’s teeth. ‘no way those are real’. He scowled at the man. ‘He looks like he popped out of a freaking toothpaste commercial’ he’d been abducted by a real like infomercial buffoon. Lovely.”

“I love your place.” He hated it. “Very homey.”

“He’s even got a nerdy voice, Janine. I can’t have a nerd for a twin.”

“Say hello to the guy that decided to kidnap me. He had some sort of weird spaz attack and, being the kind and loving soul I am, couldn’t just leave him in the middle of the desert to die. Ergo, he’s here.”

“I got us a lift from a very nice gentleman who is currently searching for Glenn Miller. He gave me his card in case I either found Glenn or if I need another lift, since he’s going to be in town for a few days.”

“I bet you’re a dentist. Dentists are evil.”

(When drunk Phineas not smart phineas is abducted by agents)

“All I wanted to do was stop by the Dollar Store for some Gummy Bears. I just had to get kidnapped again. Yay me, I could set a record.”

“Aaaand cut! Try it again, maybe with some more threatening looks this time, you might make me wet myself if you try hard enough.”

“Gee, i don’t know, I think I was too busy running for my life to ask, ‘I’m sorry, do you want to exchange numbers so we can do this again sometime? Maybe meet for tea?’”

“How ever did you make such a realistic looking doohickey?”

(One Phineas to the other)

“I totally got mom’s humor. You got dad’s shitty ability to make a person die of boredom.”

Road tripping to Golden Earring (and trying not to murder Phineas when he starts singing)

...guess I got a lot of stuff to play with now! Happy early birthday to me!

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flockofdoves · 6 years

Text

not to sound bratty im just annoyed but ive had the stupidest fucking problems this past 36 hours or so

like. i all of a sudden get a fever and also the combination bruise/cut/burn i got last week (when i went to a shooting range for the first time of my life and this guy at another divider in the same room was shooting this bigass gun and a bullet casing ricocheted over and hit my leg and my uncle and brother didnt believe me because they never heard of that happening before but its so stupid the protective divider doesnt go all the way to the ground at the front but fortunately i was only loading bullets and not shooting because i kneeled in pain afterwards) got infected and i was worried those two things were related

and we were going to chicago from ohio today but had to stop at two places in indiana so my brother could pick up his gf and then drop off my dads old car at his university because he finally got a parking spot but we ran soooo late between my fever so i slept in and then i signed up way ahead of time for a cvs minute clinic between ohio and indiana where we were going and when i finally got in the lady was super nice and helpful but something was fucked up with their queue system and she took people that had just signed up instead of a woman in front of me and me so we hung around in the cvs for 2 hours after my scheduled time waiting and thats not the end of the world but yeah we got in sooo late to chicago

but really none of that i care about whats really irritating me right now is my mom bought me some capsaicin ointment because it was on sale and i was curious because i always use menthol and maybe lidocaine based things for relieving joint pain

i think i might have put too mych but also its just not very clear in the instructions so while i couldnt feel my joints its literally more just because my skin was so irritated

and i woke up from a dream an hour ago literally thinking i was being burned alive it hasnt subsided at all and even their website says to only expect it to after a few days

so my mom doesnt have much food or supplies yet in this place shes at right now so i couldnt try other remedies i heard like wd-40 or milk but reading things i coated my legs in fucking balsamic vinegar and mayonnaise but it still didnt improve and i wanted to rinse it off but this place has the stupidest bougie shower ive ever seen where its all technological but its interface makes absolutely no sense and i felt my legs were even more burnt because i couldnt figure out how to change the temperature and accidentally woke up my mom and she said she doesnt know how to change the temparature despite staying here this past month like wtf what kind of shower can you like. not figure that out easily that seems like a pretty essential feature

and yeah my legs are still burning and i guess that distracts from how sick i am but while ive certainly had much worse days in my life the things that are annoying me today are just so stupid like ive never had this combination of problems before and i doubt i will again. theyre not the worst things to face in the slightest but im just ranting because i cant get to sleep again and im like . Why

#cpost

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learningtoeatokayagain · 7 years

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trigger: suicide, attempt, depression, mental health

I started therapy again because of some shit that happened in January. I will get into that. But I have avoided writing about it because I was so fucking sick of constantly talking about it. I was telling professionals everything that happened. Constantly. I was keeping family and friends updated. I was the person that had to be the one to fucking figure out everything and visit and make the plans and make sure everything went okay. So it was a lot of fucking pressure. I couldn’t write about it because I was in the midst of fucking dealing with it.

So I had therapy today and I realized ... like, some shit. haha. So stupid ... not that I realized stuff, but what I said. Anyway, I realized stuff and it was super insightful and helpful. But let me just start from the beginning.

This will be my first time writing about. I tried while it was going on. I wanted to make a zine about it, but I couldn’t muster it. I was kind of upset by that. I just was so fucking drained. I just couldn’t fucking do it.

On January 20, I went out with a couple friends from work (and yes that was the inauguration date and I’m an anarchist and didn’t vote - so it has nothing to do with that). My daughter had called and asked for a ride home, but I had already told her previously that day that I couldn't give her a ride because I was going to go out with friends and drink some beer. She participated in the walk-out at school. The school district had called parents telling them to encourage their kids NOT to walk out, but I was like ummm ... no. Do it. Of course. I had a couple of adult friends who were being allies during the walk-out and asked to keep an eye out, but no one saw her. She had chatted with me on Snapchat and said she hit a cop and how it all felt amazing. So I was like, cool.

I knew she wasn’t feeling herself. I had a feeling something was coming up. I had been asking her daily how her mood was, checking in on her taking her Prozac, and I started her in counseling again. I had also reached out to the school and guidance counselors to see if they could reach out to her and do weekly check-ins. I had called her former counselor, but she was no longer there so I put her on the waiting list for a new person, but kept calling around and eventually found someone and we saw her the night before (the 19th).

I felt on top of shit. Like, knowing I was doing everything I could. I had asked her if she felt how she did when she was hospitalized a couple years ago and she said it wasn’t that bad.

We are close, like I grew up with her. I had her as a teen. It’s always been us. My entire late teens and adult life. I don’t know what it’s like not to have a kid. I never had adult time without a kid in my life.

So, January 20th.

I biked home after a couple of beers and she wasn’t home yet, but she told me she was going to take the bus. I always made sure she had a bus pass or a couple of dollars. Or told her to make sure she had it.

When I got home, I ran my bike upstairs and decided to go to the corner store for some veggies for my rabbits. I ran into her on the street. Odd. She had just gotten off the bus and she smiled and I was like, come with me to the corner store, tell me about the walk-out. Reluctantly she came. Told me the walk-out was super fun and that hitting the cop felt good. We walked home.

She went to her room, as she always does. I went to my room and had texted my boyfriend saying I might come out later to his bar (where he works), but fell asleep (not unusual. However, before I fell asleep, my daughter and I had Facetimed making fun of Hilary Clinton memes (we hate her). Then I fell asleep.

At some point, that night, I woke up to her saying: I took a bunch of pills. I was like, wtf? What? And I was like, wait? Why? She said I needed to call 911. She went to grab her iPad and a book. I panicked, grabbing my shit, and was like, let’s go to the ER. I drove to the Children’s Hospital ER and had no clue where the fuck to go, so parked my car wherever. I went into the hospital doors and I told the guy at the door that she took pills and he told me where to go and I started crying. She was just standing there. Triage nurse called us and asked what was going on and I explained and the nurse asked her why she did it and she said, “to stop the pain.” They took her back into another room and I had to answer some questions, then they told me to go to the waiting room. They also told me that she said she didn’t want me to come back there.

So I am there by myself, crying, amongst other families.

I texted a friend and asked if she could come and she said she would. I also texted my boyfriend and he called and said he would try to get someone to take over his shift. I texted my siblings, one of them told my mom. My mom called me, drunk, of course ... rambling about shit. She kept saying, “God Bless your boyfriend” and I really have no clue why.

I had no clue wtf was going on, so I finally asked and they said they thought I wasn’t there and I was SOOOOOOO pissed. I was like, no I have been waiting in the waiting room for a few hours, no updates, nothing. I got to go back to where she was and she was unconscious, being monitored. From my understanding, she took several Prozac, tylenol, and old seroquel. She hadn’t been taking her meds and was stocking them up. She also was cutting again, I found bloody tissues in her bed when I got home later. They said they checked the rest of her body and just found a few cuts. So it seemed recent. Although I found out later she had been cutting quit a bit.

She was in the ER for a while. My friend left and my boyfriend stayed. They took us back to the family room. They asked me what happened and I explained what I knew. I said all the stuff about me reaching out to school and guidance counselors, getting her back in counseling, checking on meds and mood. They said it seemed I was tried everything. I had the names of the new therapist and her psyciatrist. I was super on top of shit because I was so fucking terrified of like, DCYF getting called. I’m a single mom. I’m a young mom. I stick out more. Also, I did that stuff because she needed help.

She was transferred to ICU, still unconscious. Her heart was becoming ... I don’t know, the rhythm was starting to become irregular. The team talked to me, again, about what happened and what was going on. They had to give her heart potassium to get it to beat regularly.

I was trying to stay on top of it. I mostly just stood there, answering questions. It was so scary seeing her in the bed in the ICU. She had no clue what the fuck was going on because she was unconscious. I also felt weird because my boyfriend was there and that had to have been an intense situation. They kept referring to him as her dad and we would correct them. She had to be constantly monitored. I ended up going home to try and sleep, but I really couldn’t. My boyfriend stayed with me.

I woke up early to go back to the hospital and she wasn’t awake yet. She was still being constantly monitored. I brought my computer, started my homework, and just sat there. Waiting.

I don’t totally remember when she woke up, but I do remember at one point, she did and saw me and smiled. I couldn’t fucking smile back. I could hardly look at her or talk to her. I couldn’t fucking do it. I wanted to, but I couldn’t. And I couldn’t bear the fact that I was the only person for her at that moment. The only person who could visit and see her. The only person who has been in her life and has raised her. The one fucking thing that I put so much fucking effort into. The most out of anything in my life. More than my fucking self. And all this fucking guilt and shame was there, but it only started coming out recently. Cognitively, I had to just push this through and I pushed my feelings aside.

She was eventually transferred to the floor where minors go before they go to the behavioral unit. She was still on 24 hour watch.

The only thing I could do was offer my physical support. I couldn’t talk to her. I was so fucking confused and angry and sad. I didn’t fucking get any of this at all. Like, WHY THE FUCK? I had tried so much and she wasn’t honest and I am like, the least reactive mom, ever. Of course I get upset and confused and mad, but I am chill. I don’t scream and yell. I cry. But my responses to her are fairly consistent and I don’t judge her. I get why people cut. I get it. I had a fucking eating disorder. I have been insanely self destructive because it helped. And it often felt like they only thing that did fucking help. I get it. I totally get it.

But I never ever wanted that for her. EVER. I don’t want that for anyone. especially my kid. I would rather have my eating disorder back, full-blown, then have her go through all that bullshit.

But again. The only thing I could offer was my physical support. So that’s what I did.

We eventually started talking. She apologized and was crying to me one day, saying she didn’t mean to do what she did. Family from another state called and I think it was helpful for her to hear from her cousin who is a little older who was being super non-judgmental and told her she just wanted her to be okay.

She had (and still has) constant tremors. She couldn’t eat on her own because the tremors were so bad that it caused her not able to open food containers or use silverware. She also couldn’t walk without a walker.

She was transferred to the behavioral unit and was there for a little over 2 weeks. I visited her each day, participated in family therapy, and figured out a plan. I was terrified to have her back. Sharps and pills were locked up (some still are). She left on 40 mg of prozac. One of the psychiatrists had been super upfront with her, which I thought was helpful, but she found it difficult. But on some level, I felt she needed it. One thing that stuck out to me during the whole thing is super random. I visited during game time and they patients were playing Apples to Apples and her and I always play weird. Like, we pick shit that doesn’t make sense and laugh. That’s what we were doing and the psychiatrist pointed out how much we know each other and are in each other’s heads. And it’s true.

Now, almost 7 months later. I have noticed how incredibly low and bad my anxiety has been lately. My daughter and I did intensive home therapy and now she’s doing OCD outpatient treatment. She’s also on the waiting list for Mindful Teen DBT group.

So I was in therapy today, discussing how I felt lately. My low mood, my anxiety, fixating on shit. Fixating on surface shit. Like ... stuff that really doesn’t matter in the entire scheme of things. Like, one thing is about how I feel my boyfriend lied about a ride he got and it’s like, it doesn’t matter. I don’t get why he lied but I don’t even know if he did lie for sure! It’s just so stupid! My obsession with it. And I’m too scared to bring it up. Mostly ... nervous on my part because I feel like an idiot for being focused on it.

Anyway, I think I started to realize that I didn’t deal much with the emotional part of all of this because I had to like, deal with what was doing on. Like, I had to just deal and figure it out. Plus I was working a full and part-time job and I couldn't quit. I had just started the new full-time job. I just had to push through and do whatever I needed to do to make sure she was alive. And I haven’t fully dealt with how, emotionally, she could have died and I fucking can’t imagine my life without her. Even though being a parent can be completely wretched and awful and so prison-like, I still can’t imagine not having her in my life. I want to die before her. I don’t want her to die before me. I can’t bear the fact that she could have died before me. My therapist also brought up the stages of grief related to this and I never thought of that. And also, how this was super emotionally traumatic for me. On top of that, she’s almost 16 and she’s separating from me, which is healthy and what she’s supposed to do! But how that’s so hard right now because I want to make sure she’s safe and okay. I am also having a difficult time with trust because I don’t always trust what she tells me in relation to her mood and I’m always thinking she might still have pills stocked up and she’s not taking them and she’s just lying to me about everything. It’s hard not to think that she still might want to die.

I also talked about how much I’ve put into being a mom because I didn’t want her to have a shitty life. I wanted her to be okay and I have a lot of guilt and shame, even though I know I literally did everything I could. But it’s so hard to think about how hard I put into this and how it almost ended. And I am a fucking counselor and I have been so open with her about all this stuff!

I also realized that it’s summer and she’s home alone a lot now and that’s hard for me. We worked into this, of course, with the help of her in-home counselor and trust and time. But it’s really hard for me to grasp that she is home alone while I’m at work. I’m not at super ease with it.

It was helpful to get a grasp on what’s been going on with me. It’s been super fucking hard and I feel now I am getting to the core of these shitty emotions. I drank one a couple weeks ago with my boyfriend and friends and ended up a hot mess that night, crying so hard about all this. I certainly cried when it was going on. But I don’t think I super processed it the way I am now and I have always not written about it much. I tried, but I couldn’t do it because I was so sick of talking about. The details. Those fucking details about everything that happened. I just couldn’t keep reliving it.

It’s fucking crazy and intense how I was just dealing with it when it happened and now it has been come flooding back in a super intense way that I never fucking expected. I felt so on top of the shit and I was. But I just couldn’t like ... handle it emotionally the way I am processing it right now.

I couldn’t access the feelings I have now. And this will be something I will probably have to process off/on for a while. Maybe even my whole life. I’m not sure.

I also got child support recently and it was just like wtf. He hasn’t paid in over 2 years. He doesn’t know about either hospitalized and the suicide attempt.

Fuck.

#don't try suicide #suicide attempt #suicide survivor #depression #mental health #teen mental health

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talikhar · 5 years

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I AM WIDE AWAKE

WOKE AF- The mind opening inner ponderings, visions and realizations of a brain both blessed and cursed with second sight.

WRITTEN THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 28, 2017!

FRIENDS I RESPECT THE FACT YOU ARE ENTITLED TO YOUR VIEWS, YOUR FREEDOM OF SPEECH AND HOW YOU CHOOSE TO LIVE YOUR LIFE. BUT I’VE SEEN LURKING OF EVIL SO SUBTLE, MOVING SO SWIFTLY, ENGULFING THE WORLD COMPLETELY AND CORRODING THE SOULS OF SO MANY. IT WOULD BE CONSIDERED SINFUL TO TELL A PERSON DIRECTLY WHAT THEIR FUTURE IS, HOWEVER WE HAVE THE POWER AND CAPACITY TO CHANGE THE CIRCUMSTANCES AND MOLD OUR LIVES DIFFERENTLY. SO HOPING TO SPREAD SOME WISDOM, SPEAKING ALLEGORICALLY AND SHARING MY PERCEPTIONS AND CONCERNS IN A BOTH DEEPLY PHILOSOPHICAL AND LIGHT HEARTENING HUMOROUS FASHION, HERE IT GOES... OH, AND DISCLAIMER... I AM NOT A WITCH!! THE FLAG/ ANTHEM ISSUE IS DRIVING ME NUTS! WHY?

BECAUSE RIGHT NOW THERE IS MILLIONS OF PEOPLE SUFFERING AND DYING HORRIBLE DEATHS DUE TO NATURAL DISASTERS IN APOCALYPTIC SCALES, WE HAVE PLAGUES LIKE THE ZIKA VIRUS, VOLCANO ERUPTIONS, FIRES, DROUGHTS, HURRICANES, EARTHQUAKES AND TSUNAMIS, ANTIBIOTIC RESISTANT MUTATING VIRUSES PLUS THAT LOOMING GIANT ASTEROID AND PEOPLE ARE GOING INSANE OVER A FLAG AND A SONG. ONE IS AN INANIMATE OBJECT AND THE OTHER AND ABSTRACT IDEOLOGY THE OTHER HUMAN LIVES!!!!!! LATER ON ANOTHER OCCASION WE'LL TALK ON THE THEORY OF HOW THE MAYAN CALENDAR WAS NOT ABOUT THE END OF THE WORLD BUT THE TIPPING POINT WHERE IT WAS UP TO THIS GENERATION TO DETERMINE IF THERE IS GOING TO BE A FUTURE... THE BEGINNING OF A POTENTIAL END.

SO, MY TWO CENTS IS...(AND SINCE I'M SO BROKE I’M ALMOST DESTITUTE , I MOST DEFINITIVELY GONNA NEED THOSE PENNIES BACK,TOO!) PEOPLE NEED TO GET WOKE AF BEFORE WE WIPE YOURSELF FROM THIS PLANET. I KNOW YOU FEEL IT, TOO; THAT VORTEX OF DESPAIR IS SUCKING ALL OF US IN, SPINNING FASTER AND FASTER.

2. THAT IF YOU WANT TO POST THAT THE NFL PROTEST IS DISRESPECTFUL AND YOU FEEL SO OFFENDED BY THESE BLACK MEN, TO THE POINT YOU WILL STOP GOING TO FOOTBALL GAMES... GO ON AND YOU DO YOU BU! JUST PLEASE REMEMBER THAT THE FOUNDING FATHERS DID NOT SAY ANYWHERE THAT YOU CAN'T KNEEL AND FOOTBALL GAMES DID NOT EVEN EXIST BACK THEN!! BUT THEY DID SAY THE FLAG HAS TO BE PRESENTED AND DISPOSED IN VERY SPECIFIC WAY I BET NONE OF YOU FOLLOW. THEY WERE TOTALLY ANAL ABOUT IT, BY THE WAY. SO, NEXT FOURTH OF JULY MAKE SURE YOU RANT AND RAVE, POST ABOUT AND FEEL UTTERLY OFFENDED TO YOUR CORE ABOUT THE SALE AND MISUSE OF THE FLAG FOR PROFIT AND BOYCOTT EVERY STORE THAT HAS PAPER PLATES AND NAPKINS WITH NOT ONLY THE FLAG BUT A REPRESENTATION OF THE FLAG SUCH AS COLORS, STARS AND STRIPES, EVEN IF IT IS A PARTIAL ONE!!! HOW DARE YOU THROW THEM RED, WHITE AND BLUE SOLO CUPS REEKING OF STALE BEER IN THE GARBAGE RECEPTACLE AFTERWARDS TOO... SHAME ON YOU! TSK, TSK,TSK (LOL) AND THOSE FIRE CRACKERS YOU SEEM TO LOVE SETTING ON FIRE AND EXPLODING ALL WEEK LONG UNTIL UNGODLY HOURS EVEN WHEN MANY FREAKED OUT DOGS, VETERANS WITH PTSD AND PEOPLE TRYING TO SLEEP ARE SUFFERING? NEWSFLASH PATRIOT: YOU MIGHT HAVE BEEN BURNING HUNDREDS OF LITTLE USA FLAGS YOURSELF FOR YEARS!! THAT GOES ALSO FOR YOUR BEER CANS, BANDANNAS, THONG BIKINIS AND BOXERS (THE HUMANITY!), PAJAMAS, COUNTRY MUSIC T-SHIRTS, CAR STICKERS, BABY DIAPERS, EVEN YOUR DEBIT AND CREDIT CARDS. DEAR JESUS, MARY AND JOSEPH, THE OUTRAGE... WHAT BLASPHEMY IS THIS?!! (JUST IN CASE YOU MISSED IT, THE LATTER INTERJECTION IS PURE, UNFILTERED SARCASM). NOWADAYS I AM DOING THE FACE-PALM AND SHAKING MY HEAD IN DISBELIEF SO HARD AND SO OFTEN MY COGNIZANT, VERBAL AND MOTOR SKILLS ARE STARTING TO GET AFFECTED. OKAY?

3. I NEED YOU TO BE AWARE OF THE REASON THE ANTHEM WAS CREATED, THE INSPIRATION FOR IT AND STAY OPEN MINDED TO BECOME WISER AND RELEARN OUR HISTORY AS IT HAPPENED, NOT LIKE WHAT WAS CONVENIENTLY LEFT OUT IN OUR SCHOOL BOOKS. TRY AND DO THIS FOR THE BETTERMENT OF YOU AND FUTURE GENERATIONS, IF WE SURVIVE THE PATH THESE BIG HEADED LOONIES RUNNING NORTH KOREA, AMERICA, RUSSIA AND SAUDI ARABIA, VENEZUELA, AND THE REST ARE LEADING US UP TO. THE VERSE WE SING IS BEAUTIFUL, PROUD AND STRONG BUT THE INSPIRATION FOR IT AND THE STORY BEHIND IT IS HORRIFIC AND SHAMEFUL... THE COMPOSER WAS TAKING GREAT SATISFACTION IN THE DEATHS OF SLAVES THAT HAD FREED THEMSELVES. IT WAS ABOUT A LAND OF THE FREE, BUT THE FREEDOM WAS FOR THE IMMIGRANT WHITE MEN AND THEIR OFFSPRING ONLY, NOT FOR THE NATIVE AMERICAN WHO IS THE AUTHENTIC ORIGINAL AMERICAN. THE ONES THAT WANTED TO HELP THE WHITE MEN SURVIVE IN THEIR NEW WORLD AND SHARE ALL THEY HAD AND IN RETURN WENT THROUGH GENOCIDE AND BECAME VICTIMS OF COUNTLESS HORRORS. THIS FREEDOM WAS ALSO NOT FOR THE AFRICAN SLAVES THAT WERE BROUGHT HERE AGAINST THEIR WILL OR THEIR DESCENDANTS WHO WERE ALSO TERRORIZED, TORTURED, RAPED AND MURDERED. AND GENERATION AFTER GENERATION BLACK MEN AND WOMEN HAVE CONTINUED TO SUFFER COUNTLESS ABUSES AND DISCRIMINATION AND DESPICABLE ACTS OF VIOLENCE SO ATROCIOUS, IT EASILY COULD HAVE LEFT MARKS EMBEDDED DEEPLY IN THE SUBCONSCIOUS LEVEL AND GENETICAL STRANDS . MANY OTHERS HAVE COME FROM COUNTRIES ALL OVER THE WORLD AND EACH GROUP HAVE BROUGHT THEIR OWN COLOR AND TEXTURE TO THE FABRIC THAT HAS MADE THIS COUNTRY UNIQUE AND SPECIAL. PUERTO RICANS THAT CAME TO USA AND WORKED IN EVERYTHING AND IN BETWEEN: FIRST AGRICULTURE, THEN AS SOME BARRIERS WERE BROKEN AND WERE ABLE TO MAKE A LIVING AS POLICEMEN, TEACHERS, TAXI DRIVERS, NASA ENGINEERS. THE ASIAN ALSO BROUGHT COUNTLESS CONTRIBUTIONS, WORKED IN THE FIELD BUILDING TRAIN TRACKS AND THEN EVERYTHING FROM FOOD SERVICE, LAUNDROMATS THEN TECHNOLOGY, MATH AND SCIENCE AS DID THE IRISH, WHO ALSO HAD SUFFERED A PERIOD OF SLAVERY AND DISCRIMINATION, THE JEWISH COMMUNITY THAT CONTINUES TO BE ATTACKED AS THE REASON FOR EVERYTHING THAT IS WRONG IN THE COUNTRY (WTF?!!). AND I MEAN THE JEWISH RELIGION, NOT THE FAR-RIGHT ISRAELI LEADERSHIP COMMITTING THE GENOCIDE OF PALESTINIANS. THE ITALIANS THAT ALSO HAVE SUCH BEAUTIFUL CULTURE AND WAS DISCRIMINATED AGAINST AND GENERALIZED AS MAFIOSO'S OR DUMB, LAZY, I COULD GO ON AND ON, THE GREEK, THE HINDU, THE GERMANS. WE ALL EXPERIENCED A LOT OF THE SAME TRIBULATIONS, BUT NONE AS SEVERE, CONSTANT AND PALPABLE AS THE AFRICAN AMERICAN. PUERTO RICO WAS SOLD TO USA AND THERE WAS A LOT OF PEOPLE IN THE ISLAND THAT RIGHTFULLY PROTESTED BEING FORCED TO CHANGE THEIR WAY OF LIFE...THEY WERE LYNCHED. THEN VIEQUES WAS USED AS A MILITARY TEST SITE LEAVING BEHIND POLLUTION AND SICKNESS, AND PUERTO RICAN WOMEN WERE USED AS GUINEA PIGS TO TEST BIRTH CONTROL PILLS. MEXICO? THE SAME, TOOK THEIR LAND GUNS BLAZING AND NOW PEOPLE DARE TELL THEM TO GO HOME WHEN THEY WERE HERE FIRST. HAWAII, ALSO THE SAME.. GOBBLED UP AND MADE INTO A CARICATURE AND THEIR LANDS PASSED ON GENERATION AFTER GENERATION STOLEN AND SOLD. WE ALL LEARNED TO ADAPT AND EMBRACE MOST OF THE CHANGES AND WE CAN FORGIVE BUT CAN'T FORGET. WE LOVE THIS COUNTRY DESPITE OF IT ALL, BUT WE ARE STILL WAYS TO GO TO BE RECIPROCATED IN THE SAME MANNER WHICH IS I THINK SO SIMPLE AND GOLLY, GEE... IT’S FREE: RESPECT US, OUR CULTURE, RELIGIONS AND LANGUAGE, AND LET US REALLY BE A PART OF THIS COUNTRY BY LETTING OUR VOICES BE HEARD... AND REALLY LISTEN. JUST DON'T MAKE UNGODLY THINGS LIKE A SONG AND A FLAG INTO FALSE IDOLS AND LOOK INTO UNITING AND ACCEPTING EACH OTHER AS EQUALS. CARE ABOUT THE REAL INJUSTICES PEOPLE ARE LIVING STILL ON THIS DAY AN AGE, TRY TO WALK A MILE IN THEIR SHOES. UNDERSTAND THAT THE NEGATIVE AND EVIL DONE IN THIS WORLD WAS MOSTLY DUE TO A MINORITY OF CHARACTERS THAT WERE ABLE TO SNEAK THEMSELVES IN TO THE LEADERSHIP POSITIONS. THE MONEY TRULY HAS BEEN THE ROOT OF ALL EVIL. IT IS MONEY THAT HAS ALLOWED THESE PEOPLE TO BUY MINIONS TO DO THEIR BIDING, MONEY TO BUILD AND BUY THEIR MUSKETS, RIFLES, CANNONS AND ROCKETS AND THE MILITIA AND MERCENARIES TO DO THEIR BIDING AND DESTROY AND ANNIHILATE EVERYTHING AND ANYONE THAT GETS IN THEIR IN PATH FOR MORE MONEY AND POWER. INSTILLING FEAR AND USING CUNNING CHARMS, TWISTED LOGIC AND MISINTERPRETATION OF HOLY SCRIPTURES FOR THOUSANDS OF YEARS HAVE CONVINCED SO MANY THAT EVERYTHING THEY DO WILL BENEFIT THEM AT SOME POINT AND THAT IT’S ALL FOR LOVE AND COUNTRY. THAT IS WHY IT IS IMPERATIVE THAT PEOPLE RESIST, PROTEST, RAISE THEIR FIST, MAKE A STINK, STOMP YOUR FEET...HELL NO, WE NEED TO BECOME WISER AND OPEN OUR EYES WIDER. BECAUSE I AM TIRED OF HISTORY REPEATING ITSELF. BECAUSE THEY HAVE ALL OF US LOOKING AROUND, SIDE TO SIDE, PLACING BLAME ON EACH OTHER INSTEAD OF LOOKING UP AT THEM, UNITING AND HOLD THEM ACCOUNTABLE. I AM WOKE AS FUCK... I PRAY MORE PEOPLE REALIZE THIS AND BECOME PART OF A SOLUTION BEFORE WE ALL PERISH. LET US NOT FALL PREY TO WHAT REALLY IS GOING ON... AGAIN, OPEN YOUR EYES WIDE, LISTEN, REALLY LISTEN. DON'T BE LAZY AND RESEARCH, RESEARCH, RESEARCH. MAYBE THEN YOU'LL WILL JOIN US, THE ONES THAT ARE

#WOKEASFUCK

MY APOLOGIES FOR THE CRASSNESS OF THE AFOREMENTIONED COLLOQUIALISM OR, URBAN LINGUISTICS, BUT IT MEANS REACHING A SUPERLATIVE SCALE OF AWARENESS IN THIS GENERATION, AND I PERSONALLY KIND OF DIG IT. BUT I DIGRESS... THE BAD ONES ARE A MINORITY STILL, BUT THE EVIL IS SPREADING FASTER, AND AS WE ARE BECOMING A RETROGRADE SOCIETY IN MANY WAYS, EVEN WITH ALL THESE AMAZING TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGHS OF THIS CENTURY, THEY ARE PUTTING BLINDERS ON THE INNOCENT, ON THE IGNORANT AND CLOSE MINDED AND THEY ARE RECRUITING MINIONS THAT MORE THAN EVER FOLLOW THEM NOT OUT OF FEAR OR BECAUSE OF POVERTY BUT BECAUSE OF GREED AND THE EVIL SATISFACTION THEY GET FROM CONTROLLING AND HURTING OTHERS AND HAVE CONVENIENTLY FOUND A SOULLESS LEADER AFTER THEIR OWN DARK HEARTS.

SCHOOLS SHOULD HAVE HISTORY CLASSES THAT TEACH MORE IN A GLOBAL PERSPECTIVE, EMPHASIZING ON EVERYBODY'S STRUGGLES, CONTRIBUTIONS AND TRIUMPHS AND HOW MUCH WE ARE ALL THE SAME AND OWE SO MUCH TO EACH OTHER. SADLY WE ARE BASICALLY IN A PLATEAU. STUCK, AS IN MANY WAYS BEING UNDER THE SAME SOCIETAL STANDARDS THAT WE WERE IN THOUSANDS YEARS AGO. THE KING, THE CLERGY AND THE NOBLES... AND WE THE THE PEOPLE? WERE ARE THE PEONS, PLEBEIANS, THEIR SLAVE LABOR, COURTESANS, PERFORMERS AND BUFFOONS. ONLY DIFFERENCE IS IN MODERN TIMES? THE NOBLES, WHICH ARE THE 1% ELITE AND THE CORPORATIONS ARE MORE POWERFUL AND IN CHARGE OF THE FATE OF THE COUNTRY THAN THE KING HIMSELF. A KING THAT IS BROUGHT TO POWER NOT BY RIGHT OF BIRTH BUT BY THE NOBLES' MONETARY DONATIONS TO THEIR POLITICAL CAMPAIGNS AND PROMISE OF FUTURE COUNTLESS RICHES IF THEY STAY IN LINE AND THEIR BIDDING. REPUBLICAN LEADERS HIGHLY COMPLIANT WITH THEIR PATHOLOGICAL ALIENATION FROM REALITY OUTSIDE OF THEIR GREED FOR MONEY, POWER AND CONTROL IS A VERY COMPLIANT PUPPET.

THE REPUBLICAN ALWAYS THE MASTER THAT ONLY THROWS THE DOG THE BONE ONLY AFTER THEY SUCKED OUT EVERY BIT AND MORSEL DOWN TO THE MARROW. THE DEMOCRAT POLITICIANS WERE MORE OF A OPEN INCLUSIVE IDEOLOGIST BUT LATELY FALLEN VICTIM TO THAT CORPORATE DONOR SEDUCTION OF GREED. SADLY MANY PEONS RECENTLY FAILED TO REALIZE THAT STILL THIS WAS THE LESSER EVIL AS THIS MASTER MAY STILL LEAVE ONLY THE BONE BUT IT AT LEAST WILL HAVE THE CARTILAGE AND SOME MEAT ON IT AND UNLIKE THE REPUBLICAN MASTER, IF YOU STAR CHOKING THE BONE THEY WILL TAKE YOU TO THE VET. REPUBLICAN MASTER THROWS YOU IN THE BAG BEFORE YOU TAKE YOUR LAST BREATH AND DRIVES BY A FAST FOOD RESTAURANT WERE HE DISPOSES OF THE BAG SO HE DOESN'T HAVE TO BOTHER WITH DIGGING A HOLE IN THE YARD AND RUIN THEIR MANICURED LAWN OR DEAL WITH THE STENCH OF YOUR ROTTING BODY. THAT'S WHY MY INCLINATION IS LIBERAL PROGRESSIVE. I REALIZE MANY THINK LIBERAL MASTER WILL JUST GO CRAZY THROWING THE WHOLE CHICKENS TO THE DOGS, TO THE POINT THEY RUN OUT OF CHICKENS, BUT I'M CONFIDENT THEY CAN FIND A WAY TO FIGURE IT OUT PLUS THEY WILL SET UP FOR YEARLY WELLNESS CHECK UP AT THE VETS, AND GET US TREATS LIKE A BETTER EDUCATION SYSTEM, FREE COLLEGE AND MORE. LIBERAL /PROGRESSIVE /INDEPENDENT MASTER AFTER ALL BELIEVES IN SOMETHING CALLED SCIENCE AND COMPLETE AND FAIR EQUALITY AND THOSE TWO THING ARE ESSENTIAL TO BREAK THIS CORRUPTED MOLD. THE CLERY? THAT IS ANOTHER ISSUE TO BE ADDRESSED SEPARATELY BECAUSE EVEN JESUS ADVOCATED FOR SEPARATION OF CHURCH AND STATE, THEY WANTED IN DIBS ON THE LOOT AND MAINTAINING THE POWER OVER THE PEOPLE., BECOMING AND UNHOLY TRIFECTA OF EVIL TYRANNY AND GREED.

IN CLOSING, SPECIALLY AFTER THAT EXTREMELY WEIRD AND RANDOM "THROW THE DOG A BONE' ANALOGY...DON'T LET THEM CONTINUE TO KEEP US BLINDED BY THE PROPAGANDIST MEDIA LIKE FOX NEWS, ALL THE BRAINWASHING POLITICIANS, THE ZOMBIE TRANCE INDUCING WORLDWIDE WEB AND ALL THE FALSEHOODS SURROUNDING US AS WE ARE PINNED AGAINST EACH OTHER OVER OUR DIFFERENCES OF CULTURE, RELIGION, SEXUAL ORIENTATION AND RACE. THEY HAVE US RUNNING AROUND LIKE CHICKENS (GEE! AGAIN WITH THE FUCKING CHICKENS) WITH OUR HEADS CUT-OFF SO WE DON'T FIGURE IT OUT AND COME TO STORM THEIR CASTLES!

#FUCKTRUMP #gopisevil #wokeaf #separationofchurchandstate #googlerepublicansexoffenderlist #bernie2020

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somedaypast-thesunset · 6 years

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I'm giving it 30 days. Well maybe a bit more, but give or take 30 days. By the end of September I will take control of my life and I will be better equipped than three months ago. I'm not right now. I know mentally I'm not ready to not be fucked up by this because I don't have all the tools right now and I have to make a weirdly selfish decision to maintain this moderately unhealthy routine while I work diligently to be a better person. I'm not even ready to talk about it with others. I'm not out there like hey guys doing some self improvement reading this doing that because tomorrow it could stop and I could wake up in a shit attitude and want to die. And I'm not secure enough to compromise my character anymore like I don't want to be him basically because they talk so much and do nothing to improve themselves. I want to be better than that. I want to present a whole picture because no-one can complete it but me through active self improvement so I currently don't need anyone's opinion on these decisions I'm securely making for myself as I develop my adult person.

I'm not 3ven focused on being a "good" person. I just want to be someone I can live with. To be something that doesn't give me anxiety. Security of what I know and what I'm capable of.

Today we fought and he brought it to the cycle and I'm not sure exactly how I want to react so I am reacting very little but really want to focus on knowing my securities of my knowledge and what I want not just from this relationship (I told him it wasn't one but he's the one now saying it is) but from the people I fucking interact with. He refused to read my letters because he's "sad" but would not elaborate. I assume it's like he wrote her similar letters or maybe it's guilt that he's somehow leading me on. I am pumped full of hormones so I couldn't help but be sad that he was too sad to read something I wrote out of love where I describe his great attributes and the things he's been for me. I let it past. I was annoyed by another friend and expressed my related annoyance at their brattiness and not having alot of gratitude. He decided this was wrong and they could complain how they wanted. And you know, I'm not sure if it's right or wrong but I don't want to be around someone who doesn't "get it" because it's like a basic ass philosophical morality that all fucking religions have in common - be grateful. Know what you have and when you can complain. I hate the crackheads but I'm more concerned with my internal than my external because as I work on my internal I have more control over my external even in a shitty environment that could easily be soooooooooooooooooooo much worse.

He belittled the point to I could do better by getting a job so the other person can complain because Im not doing all I could be doing. I, however, have zero space to complain. Ever. It is seemingly never appropriate.

I was more offended that he judged everything down to having a job. Like I'm never doing better unless I've gotten a job. My hardships are all caused by me and I'm not doing enough. Yet for six weeks I've been dedicated as he jacks off and complains about how his mom treats him while he jacks off for free in her home as a 28 year old man. When I offered the idea that he might be privileged he immediately degraded the convo again that now he wasn't allowed to complain despite weeks of me listening to his complaints and hearing utterly repulsive nonsense from him. I've gone above and beyond for this person. I have probably given him the most outside of my father and my father wins by length of time because wow. I can't even repeat his shit because why am I listening to it? I am playing with something very dangerous and like longer than September I've accepted it but if I stop it'll be morally okay.

I told him it was upsetting because we don't talk enough about my improvements to make a sweeping generalization that I wasn't doing better because I didn't have a job. He attempted to say we all could do better and that he was lazy and that's why he is the way he is and all of his problems come down to physical fitness. I was now hurt that I was realizing nothing was changing. He was doing the same routine he had been for two years. He repeated he wasn't going to give me what I wanted and that he's already tried to break up with me before. He had clearly complicated and taken my original complaint personal because he's ungrateful and displays it all the time and feels self conscious about the judgement. I was now side swiped - I hadn't done anything but complain about someone else. I told him he was not a safe space to make those complaints so I won't do it again. I am still valid, by his own fucking argument, to complain. Period. I'll just control the space in which I do it because other people choose to take things personally because it's probably fucking true. My father did this alot. He offended people for being super super truthful but also humorous which makes up an asshole. And I don't want to be the asshole my father was but I still accept the attitude because he wasn't wrong. He told the truth. Even about himself.

He decided to end the conversation on his own accord as he usually does because "I never wanted this I told you I'm unhealthy". Even though four hours ago he's asking for nudes.

I called back and told him this wasn't fair. He asked to call me back in a few minutes and an hour later I got a text saying he's stuck having this big long convo because of his opinion that he has to whisper and never express and he's stuck in this and can't leave because ill publically shame him and he doesn't want that so he's just going to bed.

I was like wtf thanks. First of all obviously it's over since youre inferring I've trapped you by psychological force and there's no fucking real feeling there.

Secondly, he has gbs of porn of me. He could easily shame me just to get himself off for fucking fun not even to be inherently evil and that's literally as likely as me doing something to him. Like in our nature? Yeah it is. Would we do it? Unlikely but given the right circumstances possibly. So like we don't need to see eye to eye on this (we wont) but don't degrade it to a fucking abuse shame war.

Also, the I did not say it, this is manipulation by saying this he's putting it on me so if it happens he can justify all the feelings about ppl being against him so even if I've won, he's still won. Nothing changes.

But I've chosen to be offended that he's assumed this of me to a point that he's using it as an excuse. That's pretty flimsy and bullshit - if you want to leave, just leave.

Finally I reminded him that had he read my fucking love letters, maybe he would've felt differently.

Ironically I woke up with the intention to look up properties in pei. I thought maybe I'll invest just a bit more into this since he seems receptive but maybe fate made this happen to remind me to start nothing. Literally sleeping is time better invested.

I believe right now he will complete his cycle and realize he's shitty and probably come back around with a convoluted lecture and I'll let him. If he chooses not to then it's okay because he made the decision for me and I'll be even more free to recover as I will. But I think he will because my points were valid. He told me that people don't care and I think he should listen to himself because frankly I don't care about every fucking thought that passes in his brain. I don't. Some of his thoughts conflict with my thoughts and instead of arguing I just allow him the fucking space. Get a journal. That's all I can say. You want space? Get a fucking journal. No one cares. And if anyone says they're interested it's because it's a fucking trainwreck like no one wants this around them in reality. It's just interesting to watch unfold.

And I'm the last fucking one watching. I'm the last one encouraging him. The last one supporting and dedicated to him. I am building my support system in a healthy way for the first time and he's the last person I'd go to for support unless I need money.

I understand he's sick and I'm giving him space to figure himself out and honestly if he figured out I'm not supposed to be around and told me this in a mature, non random manner I would just go. I'd have closure. There's never been closure during these times. It's always open ended and when it's over "I never broke up with you".

I laid heavily on wanting to be able to share what I learned but not be influenced by his negativity. He said he would try but he knew it wouldn't work. And this was acceptable for him. Which I found outstandingly hypocritical. If nothing else it finally challenged the lingering beliefs that the things he told me so many times was never something that counted for him.

When I got off the phone I immediately said out loud, "I hate him" and hours later I honestly still kind of do. He's such a shitty person in his current iteration. I know he's been better and can be better and I don't want to be another dumb ass chick like oh you know I just want to help him because I've been that chick and I'm no longer forcing my help. I don't want to help him but I will if he needs it or when I identify times it calls for it. I'm not going to explain to him any further why this is upsetting because he will hang himself by continuing it and I will be away from him.

I will not let this go though and I will save that single message because he implies I have information to shame him in public with. If he finishes his cycle, I will continue to mention that he doesn't love me he just fears me. He's tarnished the relationship himself.

At first I was upset that I had sent letters and made a gift and sent him videos but then I wasn't because I'm a great girlfriend and even though I was and am vulnerable, it still makes me a great girlfriend. Whether he knows that or not is his own choice because the next man I love will be grateful as fuck for the love I give him and I will not be second best to someone else.

I know.

Why am I still willing to do this if I know it could be better elsewhere? I love him, I want him to be mentally well and hopefully have a life with him. Im upset his depression hurt me today. I didn't deserve it. And if the depression chooses to destroy our relationship, then fine. I'm tired of being hurt by it. I have my own shit to deal with.

Just in this very moment because I've decided 30 days I have to let things play out without my influence. I need to put my very best foot forward and present myself in a way I can be proud of. No "instant gratification" messages. I was within my right to respond to his very negative message though I would've like to not have. Because I also had that right. That is something to work on. But I did and my response was collected and reflected his own obnoxious beliefs. I stand behind my letters. I literally wrote on paper I want to spend my life with you it's like damn near a proposal. I had the confidence and commitment to do that. I didn't do that with anyone else. It was like defaulted into my first relationship like well this is what we do I guess just this forever. I mean eventually I wanted to because you're with them so long it's apart of you but I didn't proclaim this love. I have the capacity to do so. It wasn't even wasted on him because it's a love letter to myself. Like hey, look what you can give. I would be too scared to share that because I didn't want to be judged or maybe left or something but I did it and I was just like yes, I feel good. And if we aren't together it wasn't lies because this is how I felt at the time. I wanted to but we didn't.

Unfortunately this took up my whole evening. But it's been awhile since this has happened and I know the hormones definitely affected me so I think I'm more emotionally obsessive over it for that but I'm not distraught at all. It's very very important to break the cycle for myself. I participated in it by focusing on it for too many hours but my focus was healthy I think like it wasn't a breakdown of why I think he feels this way but how I feel about it and what I can do about it and how I can learn from it. I want to break it though and tomorrow will be important because I will not contact him. It's unlikely he will contact me anyways but I don't want to initiate it. I said nothing bad and placed the responsibility of breaking up back on him. He will hopefully wake up to my texts and sit on them but we've been in constant contact daily so he will feel the loss.

One month. I can do this. By fall I will have the things I want or I will be free from the binds that hold me from it.

I have the thought of still looking for properties. I'm more scared of this than the letters. I don't want to know what I'm missing. I don't want another failed life plan. It could backfire if I show them to him - he could feel pressured. At the same time I want to show him I'm serious. I want to set an example and maybe get him excited because this is stupid. And I feel like its smarter to start a plan so I don't wait a month and decide yeah let's do it when this could be the thing. I want to walk away saying like I wanted to do this and this I gave him this but he was too lazy to work towards it.

Of course you know what about this fight? That im trapping him? Im hurt but if I was serious about this is it more important than our potential future? It's not. His tantrum is not because I believe better things can come.

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kyandice · 7 years

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13,14,15/07/2017

13th

So today is like a Thursday and I only have CEP tutorial for one hour and I’m done for the day. So like I could just go home but Bryan still had classes until like 4 or 5 pm???

But anyways, we ate lunch at foodgle and foodgle and I ate the Ayam penyet idk is this how u spell it??? But wtf the teh o ice was fking expensive it’s like $1.40?????? but its only like $0.90 at koufu????

And yeahhhh, Bryan got default golddddddd. anyways, I pretty scared for PA I really want to get gold, if I don’t get gold now, I don’t think I can get gold in the future when I’m fighting under black belt.

During the exam period, he was tired and like sleepy so he wanted to go home. But like I told him I have to study in school or I won’t study at home, and I asked him to make a move home first. but he refused he says he can’t just leave me alone like that in school. I told him it was alright. but he still refused to go home.he explained: if the tables turned and if he wants to study, I wouldn’t leave him too.

But the weird thing is, now, he wants me to go back home immediately if I’m going to wait for more than an hour for him to finish the class, and he must also do the same. But I lied that I still have cpes practical so I could go home with him. In the end I told him I don’t have cpes prac 30min before his class ended, so I’ll know that Bryan will be like: might as well wait for me and we go home tgt.

So when we got home tgt, everything was great I guess, except that I was sick and I didn't quite hear what Bryan was saying so I kept saying huh and he kinda got pissed and thought I wasn't listening to him. But okay we hugged in the end, kissed too so it was great.

So when I went back home, Bryan already probably was sleeping yeap. And then I saw Yi Le tweet, she shared about this secure in love website thing where we do this quiz for us and our partner and find out more about our love styles.

Anyways, I’m putting the links and results here for future reference, in case, idk, people change so we can do this still, in the future.( http://secureinlove.com )

Mine, What I feel is me:

(http://secureinlove.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/07/05_LoveStyle_LoyalSupporter.pdf) (http://secureinlove.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/07/05_PartnerLoveStyle_LoyalSupporter.pdf)

I don’t know what he feels is me cuz, he is lazy and he refused to do any more quizzes.

Bryan’s, What he feels is him:

(http://secureinlove.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/07/02_LoveStyle_ConfidentHero.pdf) (http://secureinlove.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/07/02_PartnerLoveStyle_ConfidentHero.pdf)

What I feel is him:

(http://secureinlove.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/07/03_LoveStyle_HesitantRomantic.pdf) (http://secureinlove.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/07/03_PartnerLoveStyle_HesitantRomantic.pdf)

But yeah, so since he thinks that he’s a Confident Hero, this is what I shouldn’t do to him:

DON’T:

• Assume everything is easy for them

• Take them for granted or take advantage of their flexibility or generosity

• Forget all the hard work your partner puts in to make things look easy

• Expect your partner to set firm limits, they often over commit and overdo

• Forget that they need help with balance particularly when they are stressed

• Expect them to understand your drama or your need for space

• Forget that they like to work hard and play hard

• Forget to listen to them, while they are easy going they get frustrated also

And since I think that he’s a Heistant Romantic, this is what I shouldn’t do to him:

DON’T:

• Lose sight that your partner is well intended and does not want to hurt you if they are being critical it is out of wanting to be accurate not that they are uncaring or unfeeling

• Crowd them or interrupt them and expect them to be present

• Be insincere in your praise

• Play games by threatening to leave them in an attempt to get them to chase you

• Overwhelm them with multiple complaints or grievances

• Assume they don’t love you because they show interest in other people or activities

• Use generalized language such as “you always” or “you never”

• Expect them to understand your differences, tell them what you want and need

Everyone should try to avoid doing this to their partner, but I asked Bryam, which one he wanted me to avoid doing the most, and it turns out that it’s the hesitant romantic. and hey, Guess maybe I know Bryan more than he knows himself after all.

So apparently,

YOUR LOVE STYLE is made up of two categories, your attachment style and your expressiveness level.

None of the seven love styles is better than the other, however, each of the love styles has unique traits, strengths, needs/wants and blind spots.

SECURE

Confident Hero = High Expressive (Maybe Bteh)

Reserved Playmate = Low Expressive

ISOLATED

Renaissance Lover = High Expressive

Hesitant Romantic = Low Expressive (Maybe Bteh)

NERVOUS

Expressive Giver = High Expressive

Loyal Supporter = Low Expressive (Me)

CONFUSED

Wounded Warrior

But from what I know, both me and Bryan are like pretty low expressive so I’m pretty sure that Bryan is a hesitant lover. The fact that he got confident Hero from the survey and don’t feel or relate as much as hesitant lover shows that maybe he lied like not really lie but like yeah like clicked the answers not consciously ok idk how to say but I think everyone gets it.

Then after this whole secure in love thing, i decided to just ask him some questions I saw asked on The Lie Detective. Anyways, Lie Detective is like great I get to see the scums of earth and the loveliest human being ever. But idk a lot of westerners cheat?????? like why bruh. So anyways, a few questions from the lie detective were like, what is normally the cause of what makes you hard the fastest. Is it like real life sex, or porn, or just dirty thoughts. A lot of people truthfully said that it’s the dirty thoughts that gets them the hardest fastest and B said the same do he is prolly telling the truth. and tbh, dirty thoughts prolly get me turn on the fastest too idk lmao.

14th

Today is a Friday, there’s training and it’s gonna be a tiring day. Nothing much happened today. Except that Bryan didn’t want to go for training but I still had to go becuz I had to kinda train up for PA. So after class, I just walked with Bryan to yck mrt and yayyyyy. I don’t spend as much time with him as much as a few months ago so I gotta treasure every sec with him, but lmao if I’m like alr sad now then army how. ok but, by the time he has army ill get used to it slowly. But yeah, after training I was tired. I showered, blew dry my hair and like went on the internet for awhile and I decided to sleep.

15th

So I woke up a t 1030 as usual and like ate breakfast/lunch and when i came back home it was 1230 and he replied he ate lunch/breakfast too and so like Bryan is asleep now.

Anyways, he sent me “dont doubt me” after seeing my tweet, I cried, and I was like just really touched, cuz with that small phrase he said it makes me have so much faith and trust in him immediately. yes, this is exactly what I want. you telling me things, give me validation, every single time. I’m so sorry you have to date such a difficult girl.

Anyways, there was an update, but nothing much happened, so I’m pretty pleased and happy. I’m starting to get impatient cuz I really want something to happen, but if it does, that means it’s bad news and I don’t want that. so I should be glad :)))

CPES test next Tuesday I should get on with studying soon. I’m craving chocolates and its been really long since I ate chocs and I hope I can eat one bar soon :’)

ANYWAYS THIS IS IMPORTANT.

OH YA AND I WANT TO GO WILD WILD WET WITH BRYAN BY AUGUST 31ST. TIME TO SAVE MONEY CANDICE. AND YES CANDICE, ITS TIME TO BUY CONTACTS. YOUR CONTACTS RUNNING OUT OF TIME.

-SAVE $13 FOR WILD WILD WET (ITS $26 BUT I GOT 1 FOR 1 VOUCHER)

-SAVE $12 FRO 2 PAIR OR LUXURY BABE LENS.

- SAVE $40 TO PAY BRIAN SIR FOR PA

- SAVE $10 TO RETURN TO BRYAN BBY

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sh-lan · 7 years

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OMFG LAST QUARTER EVER + some spring break stuff???

Took a weekend off of life Retail therapy at its finest today Even though new jeans were overdue

It’s crazy how it still came I guess it’s a force of nature But omg it’s gonna be here on the concert T^T

This nerd would have mitsuha’s theme on his playlist smh #nochu

April 2nd, 2017 BTS Wings Tour I still can’t believe it happened I’ve been awake since 8am lol and it’s like 1:54am and i’m still trying to process and remember everything that happened today It felt like a dream! I can’t believe I saw them in real life. ohmygod Hands down, easily one of the best day of this week - if not this entire year so far holy shit will continue this tomorrow as i reminisce ok but one thing i noticed is that jungkook’s thighs are actually so real like wtf? shookt EDIT: lol i never finished this but oh well

oop i just bought more rings goodbye money

my charger broke gg time to get another one

I have a newfound appreciation for the color pink or more like my appreciation for pink is coming back

When you get anxious because bts hasnt posted on twitter for 3 days but then you also know they’re resting and that they deserve this break

SPRING QUARTER LEGGO tu/th schedule let’s hope this all works well keke

week 1 recap tuesday - sees everybody in freaking AB LOL sees harry after walking out of my tdpw sees alana and dylan outside my global health class which alana is also taking, and becca and tanya lOL goes to cogs 122 to find chen screaming my name - also vania and stella <3 last class is normal - with nobody in management BUT LOL LEIGHTON ADDED THE CLASS ON THURSDAY HAHA there’s also this girl in my tdpw class who looks like lindsay lohan and her name is also lindsey but with an e cause i saw it on the email lol not a stalker

Decided to gel nails it out friday of week 1 whut whut

First attempt at 양념치킨~

been using the soundtrack of your name this past week to get over pcd it’s been a week and i still haven’t recovered T^T

went to kbbq with harry! lol week 1 sunday started at manna….having an adventure in between at manna keke “started here and ending it here?” LOL

currently craving anything strawberry

don’t understand why i need to have my email as a send&receive in order to sms to work on my laptop bb why are you being stubborn when you’ve been working fine all this time

under yuri’s recommendation, i microwaved my coffee because it was lukewarm and she called me extra LOL

i’m getting nervous about a presentation when i shouldn’t be because ?? my AB service leader self is like completely gone i wanna crawl into a hole

i just finished season 2 and 3 of htgawm in less than a week… how they gonna do season 4 i wonder

Week 2 thursday I was actually really looking forward to class today Also my rings came! Though were they worth the $50….not so sure Were they cute? Yes But not as cute as the other one T^T So i mustnt give in to temptations nowww

I found out what matcha powder mom uses to make their matcha latte Cappuccine frappe mix But it’s sadly not on amazon ):

This new tumblr function is really inconvenient cause i cant tell how many thing i have on queue brcause i have to keep switching blogs -_-

Han came to visit! Friday Papa johns Saturday Snooze brunch Infinitea Abeh hangout In n out Sunday Aquarium! Koon thai Ramen yamadaya Boba bar and then i drove him to irvine where we got coco curry! and then i drove back and he bought me milk tea with pudding

Had an epiphany It’s not anenome It’s anemone

Omg but like why dont people call spoiler alerts “spoilerts”

Started 13 reasons why with Han Finished it, tuesday week 3 Hmmm How to feel

finished strong woman park hyung sik is so…adorable? IT’S SO WEIRD. HIS AEGYO LEVEL IS INSANE

When you realize that 둘! 셋! is probably the title of the fan song because that’s what BTS always say when they introduce themselves And that BTS + ARMY forever ㅠㅠㅠㅠ I’m not crying r u crying ;___;

어떻게

Omg when you wake up for reorientation and jungkook does lives <3

highkey need to crawl into a hole tbh

You know what i want to do? Go to an olive garden Even though i know it’ll taste bad lol

Not really sure what i want… But i dont want my 4 years to be a waste ):

i….skipped out on an interview today was it the right choice i may never know

most recent ep of snk got me fucked up SOMEONE TELL ME WHAT YMIR AND CHRISTA’S RELATIONSHIP IS WHO IS CHRISTA

Lol i hella bombed my quiz GOODBYE GONNA P/NP HAHA

Week 4 weekend Fuck me in the ass i twisted my ankle and i am in irvine had to pop an advil and cruise control all the way back thank god there weren’t many cars lol 0/10 do not recommend

Slept on the couch the past two days to elevate my ankle Glad to be back in bed But i think i might be a little…sick? Fuck Need to grocery shop

Dammit i got called for jury duty

Ok but i twisted my ankle and two recruiters emailed me back the next day so was it really a loss

Week 5 i’m sick…

just watched 5 centimeters per second a little sadder than i was an hour ago

fuck i forgot that my jeans are new and i washed it and my pink shirt is ruined fml triggered

thursday after rolling over ma ankle i can finally see that it is a lil swollen and there is bruising LOL also saw an owl at school today and a bunny while leaving to go to meeting

week 5 tuesday saw two bunnies on my way out to school

I just saw two hummingbirds! 😍

I cant believe yuri and i finished twenty SMH

ABCD today Some qualitee photos were taken Im tired now

Really debating the 4th term

third day of back pain flexibility dying wow what is happening???

…..army 4th term is $75 cries EDIT: it’s $66 because i forgot exchange rate but still cri EDIT EDIT: it’s $45 if i ship it to taiwan - seriously really highkey considering that now oh dear

bro i think i just experienced katawaredoki whut

i keep thinking that my ankle is ok but i always end up doing something that ends up hurting it like hella im

Week 6 thursday last leadership meeting one of my favorite meetings because whoa INFORMATION!? it was nice wanted to discuss and add in my two cents but i honestly just wasn’t able to wrap my head around everything loool then…we decided to go to PB LOL chen, jeong, yuri, justin and his friends (including nicole, nicole, sandy) and then more people. we also met leslie, brett, dexter, allison, kenny, peter, abby, ben…and more? at pb lolol and also we saw miguel and anthony - it was like a freshman year flashback tbh lOL went to vallartas after and then came home to shower and finally sleep at 3:30am wot is life NEXT DAY ADVENTURES - leighton and i finally pulled out the weeds and now we’re tired

salty that i wasnt invited to the birthday celebration, not that i would really make the trip per say but wtf gurl

I just had this really sad thought that i’m probably never gonna ever get to know bts like friends y i do dis to meself

Wait so like i got sick while at clew’s and it didnt happen until week 5 and so i was sick from week 5 through week 6 and at this one point i couldnt taste my food it was terribad

May 12th I bought the membership LOL Hopefully it mails it correctly back to Taiwan ☺️

im dumb i didn’t save the color i wanted for my hair

omg the song vania recommended to me a few days ago was recommended by jungkook like a year or so ago on twitter lOOOOL

Just tryna level up here :<

Struggles when places are in the east coast and phone calls are early in the fckin morning

Note to self: Ridge cut potato chips with sea salt is good for stuff with dip Ridge cut salt and pepper is good for regular eating, but gets salty at the bottom LOL EDIT: per vania’s suggestion, i salted and peppered my chips

watching jungkook’s vlive AND HE JUST HARMONIZED WITH HIMSELF IM DED

Just woke up from a dream where someone hurt my brother/nade him fall and i was so angry? Was about to go ape shit on that person im ded lol who is rhis angry me

Rewatched and finished reply 1997 Wow what is life when yoon jae is life But also what is life when your idols are life Daily reminder to not be as obsessed as shiwon LOLOL

i can’t go to giraffage and elephante anymore im on the otherhand i get to go to virginia???

lol but like i haven’t been writing drafts because i often write in my notebook now but here are some updates - my nails are constantly chipping - forgot about grad photos that clashed with the weekend han is coming - im ded because i probs won’t have a weekend to myself until week 10 - struggles to figure out graduation things - paid my $54 to walk #mostexpensivewalkever

LAST LEADERSHIP MEETING (turnover) what am i going to do with my thursday nights now? it’s been a good run

Jealous of the staff that holds and records the camera during vlives? LOL who am i

When you forget that jeon jungkook did taekwondo before Hnnnngh

i just reaffirmed? or discovered? that i don’t like fruity pebbles o_o

Trying to think of a thing to put on my grad cap Tis hard Let’s make a list: 花樣年華 Strong power thank you You never walk alone Ireumeun deborah LOL Lol omg but why is yoongi’s “cheater never win but i just graduated” quote so appropriate for grad EXTRA + ORDINARY* Lost my way/found my way* Click clack to the bang Smile with me, cry with me, fly with me (you make me begin, you made me again) Ctrl+c, ctrl+v do you know “____” (hci? annyeonghasaeyo) To lose your path, Is the way to find that path* 꽃길만 걷자* Let’s fly with our beautiful wings in 2017 EDIT: i’m too lazy, i didn’t do anything to my cap lOL

Im shookt cause namjoon doesnt say 이제 feelin the vibe. HE SAYS IF YOU FEELIN THE VIBE. I feel…betrayed

Non whitewashed bangtan gives me life

May 21st My first haircut since… Since i got it cut over the summer?????

Bought me stole and tassel today Smh that i cant grab my muir tickets?? Cause i ordered all commencwment tickets SMH

Lowkey afraid of not passing mgt LOL

Omfg i knew we were going to have a pop quiz. It really happened

nicole and evelyn commented that they liked my hair and audrey and malia agreed i gotta say i’m so glad people remember me in my tdpw class LOOL

Cant get the seventeen song outta my head Shookt by the choreography

Y'all im so fckin shookt First the chainsmokers post on twitter like “see you in the summer” Then they win the BBMAs like a boss Then you see them on halsey + steve aoki’s snapchat Next things you know steve aoki is postin shit like “BTS x AOKI COMING SOON” Im SCREAMING

Yo my lyft driver dropped some knowledge again and told me his life story lmao he was a police officer in chicago and he was forced to retired and then ?? after chasing down a rapist and getting into a fight, he was seriously injured. but his dad (a judge or someone powerful idk) forced him out of retirement by telling everyone to not give him his benefits and shit and i was like. whoa bro. slow down? “embrace the unknown”

I finally tried the coconut black tie at peet’s 10/10 a mistake

Okay but can we talk about how on point everybody looked in the comeback Esp wonwoo and dk But also vernon 👌🏼

First time in virginia/ being so close to washington dc! Whoa Also gonna pass by texas too :O Knocking some states off my list

I WITNESSED MY FIRST CIRCLE RAINBOW THINGY ON THE PLANE FROM VIRGINIA TO DALLAS TODAY HOLY IT WAS V COOL

i don’t know why i never realized this about myself before but i need to be/live by a body of water at all times or i won’t feel comfortable this is weird

i told han i joined the fanclub and he like died for like 2 seconds lOL

ok but like i bought a carton of eggs and 6 or 7 of them were double yolks and i have 2 more eggs left im starting to think i’m eating some weird hybrid chickens EDIT: those last two eggs were both double yolks. this was a wild adventure

omg i knew that the TA MOST LIKELY RYAN WOULDNT UNDERSTAND OUR IDEA JUST LIKE HOW HE ALWAYS MISINTERPRETS THEM??? like what kind of constructive feedback is that if he doesn’t understand what we’re trying to do im… sigh

Already excited about the festa But like omfg they released the schedule today And just WE DONT TALK ANYMORE PT 2?? SO FAR AWAY FEATURING JIN AND JUNGKOOK? Im IM SCREAMING also sad but the radio show is right before my finals gotta prioritize, no bts fo me ;__;

after waiting two weeks, my application to get leveled up was rejected *cries* time to try again! *^*

okay but really feeling seventeen’s song as well as suran’s song like hIGHKEY

i finally got my commencement tickets the third time that i went to the bookstore third time’s the charm right? also whytf is the parking pass for all campus commencement so huge -_-

hnngh omg that feel when you have hella shit to do TPDW1 final play due week 9 friday because we won’t have class at all on week 10 then there’s the presentation (elevator pitch) that happened today week 9 thursday but also just hauling ass on things for A5 tbh what is this what is everything wot is the meaning of life when vania and i stay up till 3:30am lol… and then there’s me. tired af but didn’t sleep til 4:30 anyways cause i’m a dumbass l e l let’s not be a potato this last week k?

burger king in pc has its own free wifi called WhopperWifi and it’s so much faster than school wifi this is revolutionary

week 9 weekend to irvine irritated on the way over irritated on the way back lol wot is life i should’ve just turned around to go back home

NO TDPW1 WEEK 10 WOOT wow that means i won’t have class until 2pm whoa

“why are you reading math formulas” - yuri i was actually reading bts profiles lOLOL she just dissed their handwritings

Just spent the past hour or so looking at kakao friends merchandise And discovering that apeach is a genetically modified peach lol

that moment when you ask for a png file but get a jpg

dyed my hurr twice today for a darker shade still not what i was going for but this will do for now

Omfg i slept through my alarm until 1pm Goodbye study time?? Also omg i like it pt 2 video SHIT SHIT SHIT THEY KNOW WE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS. HAD IT SINCE BAEPSAE DAYS. BUT DIDNT RELEASE IT. Freakin bighit

My request to level up on the fancafe has once again been rejected ); EDIT: oMFG IT’S BECAUSE I DIDN’T CHANGE THE SETTING TO SOMETHING im screaming, what a first world problem THIRD TIME’S THE CHARM AMIRITE

Doesnt feel like it… But thursday was my last time going to class…pretty much like ever unless i go to more school Holy shit

Oh man I didnt think i’d have THAT much shit. But…i think i have A LOT of shit….

saw bts MBIT and i was like omfg! knew that i was INFJ but took the test again yesterday and ended up INFP….but just barely P so i think i’ll stick with INFJ lol EDIT: i took the test again today because vania and yuri were talking about it again and i am still INFP…and more P this time. SO LOST. WHO AM I

put my things up for sale i forgot that i might need my light el oh el crying on the inside cause i want to keep my desk but then i’m selling it off because i don’t think i’ll have space for it and i just CRYING ON THE INSIDE BECAUSE IT’S BEEN WITH ME FOR SO LONG T^T

ON ANOTHER NOTE. THIRD TIME IS THE CHARM LEVELED UP ON JUNE 12TH AT ONE SOMETHING AM

JUNE 12TH FINISHED MY FIRST AND LAST FINAL I AM OFFICIALLY DONE WITH MY UNDERGRADUATE CAREER??? also lmao i spent 45 min on the final wot

i dyed my hair darker but now it’s become lighter? wait wtf wait no go back EDIT: wait no it went back to being dark? is this a thing? when i get exposed to the sun it gets lighter and when i sleep it gets darker??? smh at light for fckin with me

so i set an alarm to watch the bts home party last night for like 3:57am and i didn’t hear it but i guess i kinda did cause i woke up at 4:05am and was like ??? i decided to watch a bit of it but ended up streaming the whole thing until 5:45am looooool also watched the numbers grow from the 500,000 all the way to 2,000,000 and then 3,000,000? it was nuts

omfg all these years of rereading chapters and only now do i realize that i could save bookmarks on mangahere *slaps forehead*

Moment of silence cause i sold my desk that’s accompanied me for almost 10 years It even has battlescars (aka X marks by Jacky, 3 of them) LOL memories ;___; Oh and i guess my chair too

lol was gonna sell that yamaha guitar for $45 but it’s going for like $190 on ebay?? so ima just bring it home

finals week hangout list: tuesday: fud with kimberly, peyton, harry wednesday: more fud with stephanie and ellius thursday: KBBQ FOR LUNCH with jeong, justin, yuri, harry LOOOOL

and so...that’s the end of the quarter. my last quarter of school ever (unless i decide to go to more school...which seems unlikely as of right now) it feels weird.................................. but! onto graduation~ looking forward to being reunited with family and whatever’s gonna hit me in the face LOL

and with that goodbye undergrad, hello world ㅇㅅㅇ

#mumble mumble #last #spring quarter mumbles #debs in college #homg #it is over

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defunctblogtobedeleted · 7 years

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5/12/17, 11:11pm - gettin cucked up

me and a particular group of my melee friends have been using the word cuck a lot still and I never really thought about where it came from. Like 4chan probably repopularized the use of the word because I saw that cuckold porn became a really big trend on there, but the way we use it isn’t like cuckoldry exactly, it’s more like getting fucked over, or stood up, or most specifically teased with a promise of a good time and then having someone back out at the last minute.

More on that later I guess. This week’s been so hectic. Wtf it’s only been like 5 days it feels like it’s been weeks already. I’ve restrategized my Get Your Shit Together (4.0) list, and the big three things are 1. pass the RPSGT, 2. get moved out of my apartment, 3. get some surgeries.

Tony actually wrote my letter for real, so I put in my application to take the test this week! My cpr aed certification is outdated so I got an online one and I’m not allowed, so I have to do a course this weekend and fix that, but otherwise I’m all set. Gotta study hard, I’m pretty fucking pumped to get a raise. Glad I’m not dying for the money rn though, the $500 to take the test and get a new cpr cert would have me stresssssed the fuck out, dude. No progress on getting someone to take my room just yet, my room’s a fucking mess, I need to do laundry, I’m kinda putting all this shit off for now tbh. We’ll wait until I’ve taken the exam I’ve got vacation this week anyway. And I talked to my dad, who gave me his blessing so to speak to get a vasectomy. I fudged a number that I told him, said that it’s 90% reversible (most numbers say 95% or greater w/in 3 years, about 50% at 10), but with the potential for in vitro fertilization even if the reversal fails I’m sure that’s about right. He told me that my mom had told him that she wasn’t trying to get pregnant for a year or so and then ‘was practically pregnant the next day.’ coupled with how mom was talking about being pregnant at their wedding I can see that lol. He basically told me that he loves all of us a lot, but yeah I would’ve definitely done that because it’s worth it to not have that kind of surprise when you can’t make money for a kid. I definitely can’t make money for a kid right now lol that would kill me. So I’ve already called the doc to get a referral and I’m gonna get a vasectomy. Gotta figure out how much my septum surgery will be too, but that’ll be a lot more -_- Me and dad were catching up for a bit and I helped him get in touch with Dr. Bruce to fix a hernia so he’s gonna be giving me some more money so that’ll help with that too though. Plus I’ll FINALLY be making sleep tech money. I’m so fucking pumped.

Plus basically the past 3 days I’ve Actually just been working. 3 patients a night for the first time this week was stressful as fuck. I mean not exactly. Just time consuming and pretty frustrating. As jimmy said “if you were still trying to get through Zelda you probably would be dying right now.” Made it through fine and that should sweeten up my paycheck just a smidgen.

Still haven’t eaten french fries, but definitely gave up on cigs. Practically like two days later. I was out drinking for Josh’s birthday and smoked a bunch. That shit was so fucking cash omg. I got blackout drunk for the first time in forevvver. Was hanging out with Jimmy, Josh, Ian, Jack, ran around with one of josh’s friends trying to pick up chicks at a bar after smashing beers into our head and shotgunning them. I have a video lol I’ll try to upload it once I have internet. Was trying to ‘flirt with all the ASA bitties’ but got too drunk and ended up boxing someone in Josh’s friend’s basement (w/ boxing gloves) lmfao. Reminded me of middle school boxing Cory Winters and having our little fight club ring lol. Drunk snapped a bunch of people, ian drove me home, it was a great fucking night. Oh and at Josh’s friend’s I ran into one of my asian friends who I could not remember for the life of me. I wasn’t sure if he was a league friend or one of brosciouss friends or a smash friend I was just so lost, but played it off really well (as always) and did jager shots with him. Fuck. Ing. Lit. First time I felt so happy and natural to be drinking in forever, too. Even got to see brett3 for a bit. Nice to be back in chapel hill. Especially when they’re good old drinking buddies like Jack. It’s so strange that I don’t really talk to anybody else from chapel hill, but then again it really isn’t.

The date with Brianna went pretty meh. We met up and joked around a bunch and thrift shopped and I bought a whole fuckton of new pants to ease the process of spring cleaning and two new sweatshirts so I’m not wearing fuzzy shit all the time now that it’s getting warmer. Ate at Ms. Winner’s and it was some delicious ass cheap fried chicken, might be my new go to in gboro now. But she like barely wanted to kiss me at the end of the date idk what’s up with her, I’ve kinda bailed out since she’s all preoccupied with her family anyway.

Instead ive gone back to what I call my “harem strats” You see, by chatting up as many girls as possible (right now juggling 4-5) I divert my attention and stay aloof enough that I don’t seem like a crazy fuck. Instead I’m just an asshole who’s two timing girls, but yknow fuck you stop judging me. This girl hit me up on snapchat saying I looked cute in my story and that we should smoke sometime. With the snapchat name Smokeahontas I could’ve sworn it was Kat, so I just go along with the convo. But then I see kat has a diff username and I was like wtfff who is this lol. I didn’t ask her though, just played along and eventually remembered when she asked for my insta that it was this girl I matched with on tinder months ago that I never followed up with (like most of them), probably because I got lazy lol. Had a sort of date with Jamie, we got some food because she was getting off work, we smoked a bit, but she was like texting the whole time and fuckin bailed out after just an episode of south park to ‘go to the beach with her roommate.’ I still have been talking to her a bunch, but Idk what the fuck is up with that, kinda whack. Super cucked by how that went. Especially because when I walked her out to her car I didn’t even get a kiss goodnight it was this weird lasting embrace like she pressed her cheek into mine to make sure I didn’t try to kiss her I guess, but still held me tight for a really long time, I was like rubbing her lower back hoping she’d like loosen up and kiss me but hooooly shit it all felt super fucking awkward. I’m hoping she’s just really conservative about dudes since she’s such a cutie, but idk. it makes me actually not give a fuck about her. I have a date tomorrow night with the other textiles girl idr if I wrote about her, but she’s cute, going to ncsu. “allergic to smoke” lol I told her I quit. (I mean I had that day before but I lied and said I did two weeks ago hahah goddamn I’m kind of a twat maybe.) Also actually got cucked by smokeahontas. It was like a situation that was too good to be true though, to be fair. She didn’t have anything to do yesterday night and wanted to hang out; when I told her I was stuck at work and said she should just smoke with me in the morning she said she actually wanted to and would stay up all night to meet up with me when I got off. Ofc she fell asleep, and when she woke up she said she wanted to go back to bed, so I flippantly said “well you could always sleep over here.” and surprisingly enough she said she was actually game for that, so our smoke and horror movie date turned into a naptime date. But an hour passed while I was eating breakfast and in the shower so I was like ‘wtf is up’ and she said she got sick and threw up. Figured I was super cucked once more by another flaker, kind of a bummed out, but not as bummed as after the dates with Jaime and Bri both went so poorly lol. Just happily told her we can try again another time, and now she’s saying she wants to do the same plan for tomorrow morning.

So There. Is. The potential for me to get laid twice tomorrow. Pretty exciting. I haven’t told anyone that I remade plans with her though. RIGHT after I told some friends about how the nap date got planned out she said she was sick. I FUCKING swear that every time I brag about one of my dates I have lined up it falls the fuck through the floor. So I’m gonna try to never do it again.

Then there’s this other theatre major girl I started talking to yesterday. Talked about horoscopes and transitioned from talking feminism to her (woke as fuck teens smh) into asking if she ate ass (jokingly) into asking if she wanted to hang. Turns out she’s actually a really cool super geeky chick and I’m really excited to spend time with her since she wants to show me jurassic park for the first time and learn how to play melee. Kinda weird that she’s only 18 still though O.o oh you, tyler.

SO yeah. That’s the sitch with that. Went from supppper fucking bummed a couple days ago about my dating situation into thinking that I’m the shit again. I think I want to establish that “i’m the best” mentality once again. Because I really am. I’m fucking amazing lmao.

Ultimately though, I’m still getting cucked left and right and I have little to no faith that I’ll find anybody I actually care about ever again but we’ll see yknow. I think that’s the strats to how I fell in love last time anyway.

hmmm. what else is there... Work in burlington is still super shitty, my commute went from an hour to like an hour and forty minutes today bc people in NC can’t drive through a little bit of fucking drizzling.

Idk that’s about all I’ve got. Next week’s lake week so gonna have to work again in a few days after some date shenanigans and hopefully I’ve got some more good stories and shit.

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