#just wish depression wouldn't cause me physical pain and illness

[godofvillains-arch]

((My depression has made me really sick atm. Aka throwing up and unable to eat. So I might be super selective with who I talk/RP with. I know though, after some sleep, I will feel better.

[thepoetverapadgett]

I have been working on this prose since February. I couldn't find all the words I wanted to say until now.

⚠️ Big trigger warning for graphic metaphors/similes (I think there's just one?), talk of depression/mental illness, a somewhat in-depth mention of CSA in the 2nd paragraph, gesturing in the general vicinity of suicide, and possibly more of that nature but that might be it. Basically, make sure you're in the right headspace to read this. ⚠️

"Death and Rebirth"

I have always intimately known the depths of despair. I have always, at the same time, felt too deeply and yet still not enough. That does not mean I don't enjoy the good things in life, like summer mornings and the symphony season. Without them, I probably wouldn't be here. But the melancholy in life brings me not comfort, but familiarity. A familiarity that was almost the death of me on multiple occasions.

  I suppose that familiarity started in childhood. Many of us were taught our manners, learning how to say "please" and "thank you." Yet many more of us were taught to open our mouths wider, to use our lips instead of our teeth, learning how to "stay quiet" and be "good little children." To this day, I am still freeing myself from those terrible things I was taught.

  It's not easy to shake off the past, you know. And it's not really shaking it off, it can feel more like shaving. Shaving even when there's no hair left, and shaving still even when your skin is coming off. That's the kind of pain that is a part of the process of acceptance. I promise you, this excruciating chapter does end, and your constant pain ends with it. You'll still have your aches and flare-ups, but they will be manageable.

  You'll also be able to see and understand both sides of the beam balance; one side says that they don't understand why they must keep going if life is just going to be an incredible burden forever, and the other side says that the very perseverance through it is the true testament of strength. But once you get to a place of healing and at least mild peace, you'll learn that the latter side of the balance mentioned usually wants to be motivational while never having gone through any sort of experience that the former side has. They only wish to say, "It's really not that hard; just be happy," in a way that parades as polite.

  To those wounded souls who are windows into the past for those of us who are healing, yes, it does get easier, in its own way. It also gets harder, in its own way. The pain from being hurt as a child does not go away; you grow around it, and it grows with you.

  When you are hurt so deeply that it causes wounds to your soul, you go through a type of death, although not a physical one. But then, as you heal, you are reborn. Through this rebirth, you won't be the same as you were before because you know you've died, and that's an extremely uncomfortable and strange feeling. In fact, you'll never be the same as you once were. But you can also rejoice, for through healing, you're alive again, and can thus enjoy the love and warmth that was taken from you. It truly does take healing for yourself to fully understand this, as your life is all your own, and your story is beautifully unique. Even with the upsetting bits.

[ynsimagines]

Olivia Benson x Daughter!reader Preparing For Trial

TW: Mentions of Kidnapping, Sexual Assault, Mental illness, Death and PTSD.

Takes place: season 16

Age: 16

6 months ago you were kidnapped and tortured by a psychopath. You suffered from multiple physical injuries as well as mental at the hands of William Lewis. The physical injuries had mostly healed, the mental scars, the memories of what you went through still haunted you every day. When your mom and her team found you you were just a shell of yourself. Diagnosed with severe PTSD the once bright, bubbly, 16 year old girl had gone to a place you may never return from. 

Your mom stopped at nothing to help you heal, She wanted him lying 10 feet in a grave with a bullet in his head, but she knew if she ended up behind bars it really wouldn't help you any. Aside from helping you heal your physical injuries she had you in therapy sessions twice a week, where you had been prescribed several different medications for anxiety and depression, you had spent several months in online school because you weren’t ready to go back to public, you slept in her room every night and she also took a ton of time of from work and was currently helping you prep for trial.

So there you were sitting in the court room going over your testimony with ADA Barba and your mom, but she was being so harsh in her critiques you wish she’d just let Barba handle them alone.

“Miss Benson, can you described what you witnessed the defendant do to Mr. and Mrs. Mayer?” Asked Barba. 

You nodded and took a deep breath before answering, “He bound Mr. Mayer and gagged him with duct tape,” you said shaking thinking of the poor man who ended up dying of a heart attack. 

“And then what did the defendant proceed to do to Mrs. Mayer?” 

You closed your eyes not wanting to talk about what you saw and relive it, “he made me watch as he burned her with a coat hanger,” you said quietly.

“Speak up, Y/N” said your mother slightly startling you. she didn't seem to notice though. 

“Then what did he do?” Asked Barba he didn't want to make you talk about it, but in order to win the case he didn’t have a choice. 

“He raped her,” you said at a volume they couldn’t even hear. 

“Y/N, I already told you you have to be louder than that the jury needs to be able to hear the testimony you need to take this seriously,” she sounded angrier than before you nodded taking a breath.

You continued to go over your testimony with Barba and tried to speak up like your mom said. You eventually got to talking about the part where Lewis took you to the vacant house. 

“When we arrived he handcuffed me to the bed,” you said starting to feel nauseous you didn’t want to relive what happened next. 

“Then he pulled down his pants, he than got onto the bed. He tried to shove his thing in my mouth,” you said disgusted, “but I wouldn't let him I kept my mouth closed really tight and kept moving my head so he kicked me so hard I fell on the floor and then kicked me again in the ribs,” you said remembering the painful feeling of your ribs being broken.

“I know this is difficult, but can you tell the jury what else he did to you?” Asked Barba gently. 

“He got on the floor while I was laying there and pulled down my pants,” you said shaking, “he then proceeded to put his thing inside of me.”

 “Y/N, this is the last time I’m gonna tell you to speak up, and you need to use the words penis and vagina otherwise we could lose the case.”

"I’m trying,” you insisted.

“You need to try harder,” she replied. That did you in you immediately stood up from the stand and practically ran out of the courthouse. Liv sighed while pinching the bridge of her nose, Barba told her you were finished for the day as he didn’t want to push you anymore.

So Olivia followed you outside realizing she had been being much too harsh. What she saw broke her heart. You were sitting against the wall curled into yourself sobbing.. 

“Babe,” she knelt down next to you and put a hand on your shoulder, but you flinched away causing Liv to silently curse herself. 

“Please dont be mad,” you said in a tiny voice. The detective felt ashamed of herself you were a 16 year old being expected to do what some grown adults weren’t able to. Her baby had been raped and she had been extremely insensitive about it just now

“I’m not mad baby, can I please hold you?” she asked and you nodded.

Liv gathered you in her arms and sat you in her lap like she used to do when you were little. “I’m sorry honey, I was being way too hard on you, and not thinking about your feelings. I know how difficult all this is. I was so focused on being a cop that I forgot to be your mom” she said calmly. In reality what had happened to you horrified her. She failed to protect you and she needed him to be put away for life, but being hard on you wasn’t the way to go about it.

“What if we dont win the case?” you asked between your tears.

“I never should of said that to you, I dont want you to worry about that if he walks I’ll do whatever I have to for you to be safe even if that means quitting my job and moving us to another state. Just focus on continuing to heal if you walk into the trial and do your best I’ll be so proud of you, as a matter of fact I already am,” she said playing with your hair.

“Ok  mom” you said hugging her for comfort “can we go home?”

She nodded, “Of course whatever you want sweetheart.” She kissed the top of your forehead.