#just thinking about them™ and driving myself insane

[trickstersaint]

Screaminggg saint person I just read your apple taste in the throat as sin poem and I love it so I have a childhood experience to share bc I think the vague themes will make you writhe

So! Ever since I was a child I thought The Fruit™ was a fig! And I felt probably the same way you did whenever you ate an apple as when i ate fig newton's bc of this at like 6🤷 tasty but also [grows up in the church].

Anyway, that one lil story in the bible with the fig tree where jesus is having a very human moment and got caught in 4k withering the tree out of hanger then covered his ass with bravado+temple talk had stuck with little me from this, so to ramble: the life and death that goes into a figs growth and how even in paradise there was hunger, how it exists even among the divine, and that you have to give yourself whole to it like a fig wasp (it will kill you in the end) (or do you choose to die for it) (was there ever really a choice or is it nature to find something bigger than yourself and sacrifice your life for it) and that religion only lives on bc we do but who is to separate the temple from the tree thats barren that will outlast us like a legacy to all we could've been if not withered before its fruiting season? And what of the tiny wasps when the time comes to pollinate but the tree is gone, what of the next generation that burrowed their way out of the fig/divine and what life cycle is there to choose after? Were you born into it all or is it only where your mother died? andandand?? Screams I hope this gives you inspo for more writing or that you at least enjoyed the vibes of me being insane abt figs and what it means to take of the forbidden fruit and the withering of the fig tree lol

Also princess Diana and Gerard as a saint has been rattling around in my brain and I'm going nuts plz elaborate on what they mean to you I'm dying to hear ur thoughts in depth on that

my friend is also really into the fig tree story... beginning to think that raised-christian people only have a few preset bible concepts that they come preloaded with obsessions around. the two genders... fig and apple... anyway saying that even in paradise there was hunger is crazy. i need to write more about adam and eve they drive me insane. y'all ever think about this line from an article about adam and eve that i was reading for a research project a year ago and only posted on my main account where almost none of you guys would have seen it

she is trying desperately to encase herself within the divine framework... jack katz "The Social Psychology of Adam and Eve" save me. save me... anyway...

mmmm on princess diana and gerard way as saints. i find it interesting the way that people idolize her both as an icon of kindness and charity and also as a martyr; for the people who are really caught up in the image of her, i feel like it's absolutely as much about the fact that she died as it is about the good things that she did. not to say that people make her a christ figure lmao but if you REALLY wanted to get into it you could draw some parallels between the way that people talk about jesus interacting with the lepers and diana shaking the hand of someone with aids. and then to take this figure that you are idolizing for their selflessness and good works and to say that she was murdered is like. very evocative of martyrdom i think. these are not personal beliefs of mine i just find it very interesting to look at how people talk about her. personally i think the cultural obsessions around figures like princess diana and marilyn monroe, especially because they're women, are only ever going to grow parasocial and focus around the image or the idea of a person rather than fostering an interest in a historical figure. which. i mean. hey. me and saint sebastian for real :|

um. and then to further implicate myself in this social phenomenon. i am a freak about gerard way and i am not to be trusted around images of them in joan of arc armor or a cheerleader dress. liable to burst into tears or start speaking in tongues i think. i've been too transgender and too into my chemical romance for too long to be anything near normal about that particular person. seeing them in the joan of arc costume made me feel so crazyinsane about religion for so long that i sat down and wrote that first saints quiz. um. and you know actually i do have a poem about the way that it makes me feel so you can just go read that before i say something that's going to make me sound like i have a genuine religious fixation on that guy with like. a wife and kids. see also: trickstersaint poem "there's this feeling i get that i can't describe".

[couchcandy]

Psych x Community ??

I love psych and i love community so this vague concept of them existing in the same universe has been floating around in my head. 

The key connecting factor being the references to Shawn/Britta’s similarly eclectic off-screen pasts. They're close in age so I'm like okay - it would totally be possible for them to have known eachother/dated/whatever at some point before. 

psych aired from 2006 - 2014; Shawn born 1977

community aired from 2009 -2014; Britta born 1980

(Take these two quotes just as an example but it's referenced casually throughout both shows)

Britta’s Dad: I mean, every time we get too close, you run off. We sent you a birthday card to your apartment in New York, and the next week you’re setting fire to a Jamba Juice in San Jose.

Britta: How long is that gonna stick with me?

Britta’s Mom: Until arson is legal, sweetie.

Gus: Shawn, you’ve had fifty-seven jobs since we left high school.

Shawn: Yes I have. And they were all fun. But this one takes the cake.

Gus: Oh yeah? Better than the acupuncture clinic?

Shawn: I didn’t realize experience was necessary.

Gus: What about the summer you spent driving the weiner mobile?

Shawn: I did that for the hot dogs.

I think they fit somewhere in the ballpark of each other's types, both sluts(affectionate) and it makes sense for them to have crossed paths at some point during Britta's “anhercists” days. 

So that establishes a link between the groups, but what would it be like if they interacted? Take the arbitrary scenario; Shawn and Gus have gotten themselves and by extension the SBPD into another whacky shenanigan somehow who cares how i'm not writing this

I imagine initially everyone in the study group has a more or less positive impression of Shawn because he's charming, (with the notable exception of…you got it! Jeff)

JEFF

In typical jeff fashion is immediately threatened by Shawn because he has to be the coolestmostlikeabledude™ in the room at all times while simultaneously has to act like he doesn't care so he's quietly seething and - hey what's this new dude doing here making all my friends laugh that's my job! i must now make it my life's mission to prove this guys a fraud and reclaim my status no matter how much a fool i make of myself in the process (a la: advanced documentary filmmaking)

BRITTA

Normal standard “hey old friend” situation, remember when we *insane thing involving multiple felonies and property destruction* haha anyway let me introduce you to my friends - 

ANNIE

immediate skepticism that Shawn is able to sidestep pretty quickly by being charming/flirty (NOT in a gross way *hisses at the jeffannie shippers*) Her reaction being like when the dean “swaps bodies with jeff” or after abed’s don draper impression.

ABED

Knows Shawn isn't really psychic but goes along with it/doesn’t point out that Shawn’s hyper observant because he's invested in watching the psychic/cop show formula play out. He would! and I would too!

(quote from 5x03 Basic Intergluteal Numismatics):

Abed Nadir: [Pretending to read the crime scenes as a psychic] I see a man... using a social disorder as a procedural device. Wait, wait, wait, I see another man. Mildly autistic super detectives everywhere.

TROY

Obligatory: “you’re wrinkling my brain right now” and just general fascination, awe, and wonderment. Asks Shawn to tell him his future

SHIRLEY

Immediate judgment on Shawn's practices not being christian enough for her standards, but easily swayed to liking him once he picks up on something and comments on her ex husband being an idiot to lose her or something

PEIRCE

Does his peirce thing and tries to seem impressive and fails, something level five laser lotus blah blah - u get it thats enough on him 

THE DEAN

Is facilitating the psych crew being there because it might bring in good press for greendale and he def does the hand on shoulder thing when he meets him you know the one - omg and totally is into Lassiter furrowed brows “im packing heat” Carlton, please. – lassie is Not Amused™ 

CHANG

This depends on what point in community canon this interaction takes place because season 1 chang would prob be normal(for him), but like season 5 Chang would do/say something so insane and so chang that i can't even come up with it

As for our psych guys, Gus points out how weird and fucked up and bizarre Greendale is meanwhile Shawn is LIVING for it - signs them up for the Dean’s PA announcements class, and “Gus! buddy! I hope you don't mind. I used your credit card to sign us up for The History of Ice Cream. Come on, it starts in 20 minutes ! :D” Gus: “Shawn! >:0”

Lassie would just nonstop point out all the health and safety violations- he doesn't want to be here- calls a lot of people hippies, generally grumpy demeanor and we love him for it.

Starburns terribly hits on Jules - gets rejected, proceeds to try and sell her drugs - gets arrested.

[llawlieta]

What’s your most unpopular DN opinion? (It can be about canon, fanon the fandom)

This is a hard to answer question for me because I don't know that I have many unpopular opinions, or any at all?! So I'm just going to ramble a little bit at you. I hope this is the quality content you were looking for.

I am FAR from confident that my own characterization of Light and L is right, but I sometimes feel like my view of them is an unpopular one because I see different sides of fandom taking certain traits and pulling in totally different directions - Light is either dramatic with a hair-trigger temperament and ready for Violence OR he is very soft and fluffy. (Or, he is either constantly openly and shamelessly putting women down or actually a #feminist.) Same thing with L. L is very soft and gentle and full of angsty feelings, or (and I think the following is a view that some people have adopted as a rejection to the Uwu L ™ characterization that was king in the early days of the fandom, sjsksjd) he is a confident asshole with almost no consideration towards other people beyond what is useful to him to be able to solve a case.

But then of course I know this is a bit like saying nothing because all fandoms will do this to their blorbos, and all characters are more complex than you'd think from a cursory search through their Tumblr tag. I was discussing this with a beloved friend and she illuminated me by mentioning that fandom... just loves Drama and Heightened Feelings... People consume the source material and want more Feels out of it (especially media like Death Note, I'd imagine, which really doesn't spend more time than necessary dwelling on anyone's feelings) and so they take... Light having a yelling fit and make it a very prominent trait of his personality. Or L having a soft moment and fill him with soft feelings that are coming out all the time. Which is a reasonable instinct to have! even though I think the interesting part of those moments in canon is precisely the fact that they are extraordinary in some way.

So I AM saying nothing and this does happen in every fandom, and contrary to what that cursory search through any fandom tag would tell you, a lot of people certainly treat the characters with subtlety and pay careful attention to all of their dimensions. I mean, evidently, most people do it much better than I could ever hope to do!! (In my defense I have to say that if I stress myself out with writing Light and L properly in-character I will drive myself insane, so not doing it is Self Care for me). But, ah! hopefully this is still some sort of answer, anon!

The L thing bothers me more, because he is my beloved boy and because I think people insist a bit too much on the view of him as confident asshole who doesn't give a fuck. Cleverer people than me have discussed this, particularly in the Lawlight server in which I am, but L does in fact Give Some Fucks. I'm noticing it more now that I'm rereading the manga! A lot of soft little L moments are making me sort of understand why people back in the early fandom days really ran with that Soft Uwu L interpretation haha. It's not remotely accurate to reduce him to those traits! but it's not accurate either to reduce him to the opposite ones?

And I feel like the same phenomenon happens with Lawlight, My Beloved Ship. Sometimes it feels like, if people don't portray them as a very soft and fluffy couple, they can portray them as a couple that would be so toxic and unhealthy that they couldn't have a normal, loving relationship without mind games and manipulation always running through the undercurrent of it. Idk we all know these boys are crazy insane but I don't think they'd be quite THAT toxic!!

Rereading the manga has made me have the realization once again that (I think) L and Light honestly just fit together very well, and don't hate each other with nearly as much venom and intensity as one might think, and there's a lot of common interests and genuine mutual appreciation and fun in their relationship. Particularly in a no notebook AU where there'd be no need for 70% of their mind games of course lol, but it's also there just, like, canonically.

↑ they discuss the news and buy groceries together and read different books silently on the couch actually.

[smallcrystals]

pls pls pls i need some flashspruce headcanons, idc what they're abt i just NEED

i've been on the verge of insanity lately

this is so real and honestly your insanity brought back mine so thank you

i feel like part of the reason i've kinda fell off my eqg soapbox is bc i felt like i've said all i've ever wanted to say abt them, but i don't think i have actually! if you do not mind me repeating myself occasionally:

between flashspruce, flash has the most experience with boys despite having realised his attraction to them later than timber did. this is mainly because flash is surrounded by more boys because high school, the maths is pretty simple

timber, on the other hand, had a more complicated relationship with sexuality because his gender was doing all sorts of funny things. he had an idea that he was pan (of course, he didn't have the words for it yet) but he was never sure if he was romantically interested in boys or just admired them so obsessively he wanted to be one. as timber grew into his teen years he realised it was both lol

timber hides this with his confidence but flash can see right through it because he's dealt with boys like this before when they've hit on him previously (though they're never quite as cute as timber is. pretty privilege i tell ya)

when they're friends, they have this specific dynamic that idk how to explain (the closest i can think of is hyung-dongsaeng in korean culture), but essentially it's this feeling of wanting to dote on your friends that are younger than you (even if it's just by months). that's how flash treats timber in the early stages – flash finds out he's older than timber by a few months and now he cannot think outside of timber = baby

timber loves the mane 7 but if flash is tagging along with their hangouts (which is usually the case, timber only rarely hangs out with them as a group by himself), he's very clingy and has his arm hooked with flash's. flash finds it adorable, especially when timber refuses to let go in public

i see 2 ways in which they can go from friends to lovers; either it's very natural and it doesn't feel like anything's changed, OR they've reached a breaking point where they're just seconds away from devouring each other. sunset says that sometimes flash looks at timber like he will leave bite marks on the guy if he doesn't stop whatever he's doing (existing). both are good i'd say

timber has always filmed little candids of flash when they start being friends, mainly on his phone but whenever they're out by themselves, he brings his fancy camera out. flash doesn't know this, mainly because timber doesn't show him out of embarrassment, but you can really tell the person who filmed the videos loves their muse

flash sends over lyric docs whenever he feels like it and usually these are without any context, literally no "hello" or "how are you", just [text].doc and timber's like ???. but then timber reads them and is like sad™. timber's never admitted to this, and it'll take him a while to do so, but there have been certain lines in flash's lyrics that had him crying. how many chances do you get in life where your muse considers you their muse too?

flash sometimes buys timber books that he's read just so timber can also read them and then freak out the same way he did. most of the time timber's reaction is "why would you make me read this i am now clinically insane" which was exactly flash's goal

i would try to debate who would be the pathetic lover between flashspruce but there is no answer to that bc they are both equally pathetic in their own ways sorry loverboys

flash actively joins timber when he goes to get more wood just so he can see timber in a tanktop and an axe but flash will deny this every step of the way

timber can't say anything though bc man does this as well during the summer months when the flash drive are performing at bars; flash is Not about to wear leather in this weather and timber's gonna enjoy every moment of it

and yeah flash teaches timber the guitar bc what is he if not a lover of music and queer rockstars (he thinks timber could make a really cool queer rockstar if not for the fact he would steal a million of girls' hearts in one second and a smile)

these two make me want to chew a wall. dead serious

(i see your ask about flash, i will get to that soon i promise 🫡)

[lostfracturess]

Yaga mirrored his stance, the tension between them a storm about to break. "Happened to me? Dr. Gojo, have you considered the consequences of your reckless behavior? You're the one spiraling, and frankly, it's becoming unbearable." at least satoru isn't a greedy old ass 🤨🤨🤨

"His gaze fixed on you over his glasses as he turned the screen, revealing your student record, the failing grades glowing a damning red. "Tell me, which subject would you like to miraculously pass? A click of my fingers, and it's done" he's so fucking disgusting, i bet she would rather die than take this kind of... sop. brother eugh

"Satoru couldn't know about your father's death day — the reason why starting this week was unthinkable. You didn't tell him. But why, then, was he so vehemently pushing back?" i just know he does. idk how but i am sure he does. and the way he said it with firm certainty 🫠🫠🫠

"Your eyes slammed shut, but it did nothing to drown out his voice, the panic. Rain plastered your hair to your face, soaking you to the skin" it's mirroring the scene of his confession 😩😩😩😩😩 i am such a sucker for rain scenes, I don't know it makes me Feel Something™ AND SATORU WITH HER DURING THE PANIC ATTACK AS USUAL (except for the 10 chapter 😭)

"He didn't touch you, didn't offer empty promises. He simply held the jacket over your head like a shelter, shielding you as best he could against the downpour. His own white shirt clung to him, soaked through." and this? this will be the death of me. i imagine this as them against the whole world (in some way it is....) it feels so intimate :((((

"Not the absence of pain, but the strange feeling of calm, of home — something you always felt with him." I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE THEY ARE LITERALLY HOME TO EACH OTHER, MY POOR HEART

"All his attempts to distance himself, to push you away — and here you were, thrown together once again by forces far beyond your control. You hadn't sought this, hadn't chased after him. Yet, life it seemed, had a cruel sense of humor" I really think it's inevitable for them, they are really so drown to each other it's insane. and i just thought that satoru saw her breakdown just like she saw his in the previous chapter 😭 mirroring :(((

"God, you're so full of it! Your precious ego won't let you admit you need anyone, even someone who actually cares about you."

"My ego? Don't you think it's a little hypocritical to pretend you care after pushing me away?"

"You stupid woman." His anger faltered. "I'll always care, always look after you. Because I can't stand it—I can't watch you hurt. I—"." THEY'RE LITERALLY THE SAME I CAN'T HELP BUT DRAW PARALLELS BETWEEN THIS SCENE AND THE SCENE IN HIS BATHROOM IT'S DRIVING ME INSANEEEEEEE

"You'd seen glimpses of this before — flashes of protective fury or moments of vulnerability. But never like this. Never so raw, unguarded. He looked at you as if you held the key to his survival, as if your very existence was both his lifeline and his undoing.

Love."

I AM KILLING MYSELF, IF GOJO SATORU LOOKED AT ME LIKE THAT I WOULD MELTED IN INSTANT. the way you describe his feelings is so painfully beautiful 😭

"I'm not finished," you said, a hand raised to silence him. "I wanted to scream, to rage, to make you feel my pain. But I kept quiet, kept my distance. Because I knew you weren't ready to face this. And I won't force you to." BABY SHE LOVES HIM SO MUCH SHE DIDN'T DESERVE ALL OF THIS, MY POOR GIRL AND MY POOR SATORU 😭😭😭😭❤️

"Perhaps you weren't so different after all" yeah you're both equally stubborn

"I love you," he finally whispered. "As long as I breathe, I'll love you."

"I hate you," you said. that's clearly not a type of confession i wanted, but it's s&c, what did i think about 😭 at least it's kinda romantic. especially his words, but when will we get a proper confession, miss nici please 🙏🙏🙏

"Nothing about this is 'okay'," she retorted. "You look like you're about to have a breakdown. You can't keep this up forever." YES MAKI OUR FIERCE QUEEN KICK HIS OLD ASS, I LOVE LOVE LOVE THE WAY YOU DESCRIBE HER!!!!!!

at least satoru isn't a greedy old ass

say it louder for the people in the back !! i know he's not really like this in the manga/anime, but like ... i need him to be an ass for the plot, so bear with me !! <3

brother eugh

why did i hear this with like the tiktok audio voice in my head 😂😂😂

it's mirroring the scene of his confession 😩😩😩😩😩 i am such a sucker for rain scenes, I don't know it makes me Feel Something™ AND SATORU WITH HER DURING THE PANIC ATTACK AS USUAL (except for the 10 chapter 😭)

yes he really is with her through all her lows and it's so ahhhh cure, romantic, idk it's everything to me !! <33 but also her with his lows?? like they are always there for each other, no matter what goes on at that time. like even if they are mad with each other, still they can count on one another ahhhh. i'm weak !!!

& i love rain scenes too, if i could i would let it rain all the time, so i'm glad we're in autumn rn in the story bc more rain and all that !!!

and this? this will be the death of me. i imagine this as them against the whole world (in some way it is….) it feels so intimate :((((

nahhh it really is them against the world yessss 😭😭

the way you describe his feelings is so painfully beautiful 😭

thank u so so much!! so gald u like the way i write emotions :')

yeah you're both equally stubborn

true ☠️☠️

at least it's kinda romantic. especially his words, but when will we get a proper confession, miss nici please

i think this is the nearest thing u can get to a proper confesion in this story ahahhaha & so happy to read u like how i portray maki. she really is the queen !!

[fishy-lava]

Hello Loveliest Fishy!

You asked for more so here you go :)

🏆 a recent release you enjoyed 👨🏼‍🤝‍👨🏻favorite main couple 🌄 your favorite scene of any BL show

May your day be peaceful and your sleep restful.

Hello Ama! Thank you for indulging me in my desire for silly little questions lol <3

🏆 A Recent Release You Enjoyed

Definitely Perfect Propose! It was such a simple and mundane show but in the best way possible and i truly loved getting to watch Hiro and Kai open up and grow and heal together in a way that felt very natural and steady to me (and surprisingly didn't feel rushed despite how short the show was). I really appreciated the topics they touched on as well and the series will definitely be one very dear to me for a long time i think.

👨🏼‍🤝‍👨🏻 Favorite Main Couple

This is a tough one! Especially when there are so many couples i adore but i think for this I'm gonna go with Tang Yi/Shao Fei bc no matter how much I rewatch Trapped my love for them never dies. They can be so silly and ridiculous and soft and it's so much fun to watch them fight and work together and tease and take care of each other and truly fall for each other (and drive each other insane sometimes lol) in a way that feels so meaningful to me and then you add in the scenes like this

that just break me down into nothing but an emotional disaster no matter how many times i see them.

Everything about these two, from the hostility at the beginning to the ridiculous antics and the tender love and quiet gentle care and the raw heartbreaking emotion, was truly so incredible and these two have remained a favorite couple since the first watch and likely will continue to be for many years longer.

🌄 Your Favorite Scene Of Any BL Show

Wow!! World's Most Difficult Question For Me Specifically™ as someone who has watched over 40 different BLs as of now and is notoriously bad at picking favorites and sticking to them lol

To make this easier for myself I'm just gonna go with one of the first scenes that popped into my head and say the confession scene in UtsuKare at the end of season 1 in the classroom.

There is genuinely not a single thing i don't like about this scene. The emotions, the color scheme, the lighting, just everything. i do not know how to describe the way it makes me feel.

The distress in Kiyoi as this all becomes too much for him to handle anymore, the way his mask of nonchalance and apathy he hid behind for so many years to protect his heart is now nowhere to be found in the wake of everything finally boiling over, the way he shouts at Hira because its the only defense he has left, the way his voice breaks as he tries to speak and to make Hira understand, "I'm an ordinary guy. I want to be with the person i love. I want to touch him... I'm just an ordinary guy." Hira's shocked disbelief that Kiyoi could ever want him of all people, the emotion in Kiyoi's face and in his voice as he falls apart, "Why would you love someone like me?" "I wish I knew! I really don't know" the mesmerized look on Hira's face as he tries to reach out and touch Kiyoi only to have his hand slapped away because Kiyoi can't handle it if it doesn't change anything, the way Kiyoi is lashing out because he's still so afraid of how much this matters to him, "I love you so much, Kiyoi, that it drives me crazy! I think of you like a god. I never thought i could have you." " I'm not a god" Hira's nod as he tries so hard to understand "Can I touch you, Kiyoi?" "Not if it's the same way you did before" the way Hira looks at him as he tentatively places his hand on Kiyoi's cheek still unable to believe he really can do this, the way Hira looks him in the eyes as he tells him he loves him, THE HUG AND THE WAY HIRA BACKS KIYOI ONTO THE DESK AND THE LIGHTING AND THE MUSIC AND THE WAY HIRA IS FINALLY LETTING HIMSELF WANT AND TO ACT ON IT AND THE WAY KIYOI LETS HIM BECAUSE THIS IS WHAT HE HAS WANTED FOR SO LONG

I'm sorry i just have a million feelings about this scene and its impossible for me to convey them in a way that makes sense and isnt just screaming but holy fuck dude this scene was so incredible and the actors did an absolutely phenomenal job with it

Even though it's the end of the season it's also just the beginning of them learning and growing together. It's the beginning of Kiyoi learning to be vulnerable and express his feelings and ask for what he wants and of Hira learning to be Kiyoi's partner and equal instead of a devotee and servant like he always thought he was. It was an incredible end to the season and very important turning point for both of them as people and their relationship going forward and i am still so incredibly proud of the growth and progress they achieved through the rest of the series. It's both one of my favorite scenes and one of my favorite series and I'm not sure i will ever really recover from the things it made me feel.

Again, thanks for the ask and sorry about my probably incomprehensible ramblings lol, I hope you have a very lovely day<3

BL Ask Game

[sukehiroselei]

For the fanfic ask game, 1, 14, and 16 please E 🥰? Thank you and I hope you have a good day~!

Hi Lyra!! Thanks for the ask! 🩷

1: Do you prefer writing one-shots or multi-chaptered fics?

Hmmm, this is tough. I often start out writing and intending my fics to be one-shots, but they typically evolve into multi-chaptered fics. 😂

14: How do you write emotional scenes? Do you ever feel what the characters feel? Do you draw from personal experiences?

Ooh, great question! Most of my fics so far have been romance-based, so the big emotional moments are often confessions and/or realizations that one of the characters is In Love™.

These scenes typically have a "purpose" (often to advance the plot or spur character growth), so I try to think of the story in its entirety—how we got here + what will happen from then on. I find that this is one of my short-comings as a writer, so I'm trying to remedy it with my current Black Bulls-centric fic to have these emotional tableaus without necessarily having a "purpose" for them other than to create depth in the preexisting characters.

There are times when I try to put myself in the position of the characters I write about, although I wouldn't say I can feel what they feel. For me personally, it's a slippery-slope if I think of myself as the character; I find it difficult to separate *my* feelings from how the character would *actually* react, resulting in a characterization I don't like. (Heavy Disclaimer that this is just my personal preference for my own fics, but I love reading everyone else's interpretations of the characters!!)

I think it's inevitable to draw from personal experiences. I don't think I'm a good enough writer to pull emotions out that I've never experienced myself lol

tl;dr: I revisit the canon and extrapolate from there

16: How many fic ideas are you nurturing right now? Share one of them?

Oh my god, there are so so so many. My Google Drive and Fanfiction account is full of unpublished/unfinished WIPs hahaha. I have a notes app document with brief outlines for Black Clover fics and that alone has 30+ items so far. 💀

I'll share a few here because why not hehe:

A) Current working title is In Another Life (although that could still change) — Mereo x Princia fic

Follows the events of the movie, where Mereo scours the ends of the earth for a way to contact Princia in the past. It's a little angsty and a whole lotta doomed by the narrative. An excerpt I really like:

Your soul is molten down by her fire and you hope that maybe she could smith you into something useful. Perhaps a shield in the next lifetime instead of a spear.

B) Memento Mori — Speculative fiction from Julius's POV

Idk if I'll continue this fic, mostly because it strays a lot from the canon and I'm always scared of wandering too far haha. It's basically a fic of how Julius was conscious of Lucius's existence all this time & actually took steps in countering The End to the best of his ability. A little excerpt:

It is a wonder how one could look ahead to the threads of time being woven into an ever-changing tapestry without going mad. Born into a body with two souls, Julius knew that the Other lay dormant, waiting for the opportune moment to take over this mortal shell they shared, and burn the tapestry into ashes.


A lesser man would have gone insane, but Julius willed himself to be strong. So much so that he earned the only coverless grimoire in existence, learning whatever magics he could to keep the End at bay somehow. [...] He could see how each decision could alter the future weaving in front of him. Every word spoken, every action, is a seed being planted to defeat the inevitable End. So this is how Julius lived his life: always steps ahead to ensure that the foundation he builds would be strong enough to keep standing, even when the time that the Other soul fully takes over his body comes.

Thank you so much for playing!! And apologies for the big block of text omg I didn't think my answers were going to be this long hahaha 🙈🩵

[mooncaps]

I've been thinking about money. Specifically: When does it stop being mine? How far does my moral, ethical, and legal responsibility extend for the money that passes through my hands?

There's been a recent Thing™ that has started me thinking about this topic, but I do want to be clear that I'm not buying the Thing™. I have no interest in buying the Thing™. I'm not trying to make a case for buying the Thing™. I'd prefer if everyone ignored the Thing™. I won't mention it by name because I don't want to draw in certain audiences to this post. I'm worried that if too many members of certain audiences work out which Thing™ I was just talking about, then this post will get derailed. I just want to organize some of my thoughts on the ethics of money. My hope is that maybe others can contribute to a constructive discussion and together all parties can come to a greater understanding of the subject. My fear is that I'm just gonna get shouted at by angry fans and angry anti-fans alike for daring to come on the internet and ask if there might be some degree of nuance to something.

So, with that out of they way, let's dig into this. What kind of nuances of morality and ethics apply to the money that flows through the economy, into my hands, and then into the hands of others?

If I go to a farmers market and buy a potato, how responsible am I for what the farmer does with that money? If she uses that money to buy pesticides that devastate local ecosystems, that's her moral burden to bear, but is it also mine? Is my only moral responsiblity for my money "did I spend it on something wortwhile in my life" or does it extend beyond that? What if the farmer takes the money I gave her for the potato and donates to a group that lobbies to make weapons easier to buy and one of those weapons is used in a murder? Me, the farmer, the lobbying group, the manufacturer of the weapon, and the murderer are all at least a little bit responsible, aren't we? Maybe even my boss for giving me the money. And the clients of the business for giving him the money. Their bosses for giving them money. Where is the line? When do I stop holding myself accountable for what other people do with the money they make from my purchases? It's all continually flowing from employers to employees to businesses to employers and back again. When it comes time for a trial though, it's the murderer taking the stand. No one's sending me a subpoena for buying a potato.

If I make every single ripple effect my responisibility, I'll surely drive myself insane. If I decide that nothing is my responsibility after the money leaves my hands, do I end up blinding myself to harm that I'm having a hand in? How do I navigate this in a balanced way where I'm mindful of my ripples without making other people's bad choices my fault?

Another wrinkle in this line of thought: Do I really need that potato? Is it the only potato available? Is it the most affordable potato? Do I even need a potato, or can I get comparable nutrients from another comparably-priced food product? Do I have an option for getting food that doesn't support harmful chemicals or corrupt weapons dealers?

Then comes the next level: What if it's not a necessity, but a luxury? Not a potato to eat, but a poster for my wall and it comes from a website known for stealing art? Or a movie made by a studio that mistreats its employees? The poster itself is not stolen art, but made by an indie artist trying to make ends meet. The movie has strong representation for an under-represented group of people. Am I doing good by supporting the indie artist and progressive movie? Or am I doing bad by supporting the corrupt website and studio? And since these are luxuries I can live without, should I refuse to spend my money on these things?

Further to that, will withholding my money make any tangible difference? Even if everyone stopped supporting that large website or movie studio, their CEOs are already obscenely rich. If they never make another penny, they'll still have enough money to continue doing great harm for the rest of their lives. And if I'm powerless to stop their harm, then should I just focus on the joy I get from that poster or movie and let what happens with that money after it leaves my hands be entirely their moral responsibility? Certainly those CEOs have the power and freedom to just stop doing harm any time they choose. Is it my fault if they keep choosing to harm others?

I could go on and on into other examples. If I work for a corrupt mega-corporation should I feel guilty that my labor enriches their business? If money is based on a gold standard, am I responsible for the imperialism, slave labor, and bloodshed that led to that gold being collected by my government before I was even born? If I give money to a homeless person who uses it to do buy something illegal or commit a crime, how responsible am I for the crime? 100%? 0%? 50%? If I'm the boss of a business do I have the right to fire employees who spend their money in ways that I disagree with or is it my responsibility to simply pay them as long as they perform labor, leaving what they do with their pay as solely their business? If my employee spends money on a video game I don't like, I suspect most people would agree that I don't have the right to fire them, but what if they're donating part of their paycheck to a hate group? What if the law doesn't agree about which groups should be called hate groups? Do I have the right as a boss to make a unilateral determination that I don't want my money going to hate groups, or has that money stopped being my money the moment it becomes their paycheck?

There are a lot of sticky moral quandaries surrounding the flow of money in our socieities and how to spend it responsibly, but the questions keep circling back to the same core concepts. How responsible am I for what other people do with my money after I spend it? To what degree does it matter where it comes from or where it goes? Are there definite parameters or is it all just too complicated and nebulous to have concrete guiding principles?

I don't know the answers to these questions. I don't know where the balance is between minimizing harm and obsessing over every purchase to the point of insanity. Even with luxury purchases these matters are not always clear to me. My goal is to live a harmless life, but I don't always know the best ways to do that.

And maybe the answer is just that these things are complex and confusing. There is no definite guiding principle, but we just have to do our best with each decision based on our knowledge and present circumstances. And even though we can't control all the ripple effects, we do what we can. It may even be precisely because there are so many things we can't control that we work so hard to do our best with the things we can control.

I don't have all the answers. I don't even know if I have all the right questions. Those are the thoughts I have at this time though.

If I've reached a point where I decided to post this, then I guess I'm opening up the floor for others to voice their opinions on the topic.

[mari-lair]

☀️, for the ask game

☀️ Has anyone ever left you a comment that made your day? What did it say?

I had a few, but recently only yours come to mind! You went into so many details, and paid so much attention, it got me writing proudly like Nene with her diary.

I worked on the chapter as if I was speedrunning the day I got it, even finished that week! And i still re-read it when I need motivation. I'm determined to make the next chapter long!

And here is what the comment said:

[so, uh, i may or may not have forgotten to comment on this for half a month… well, to compensate for my lateness i’ve decided to write my thoughts on this chapter in excruciating detail because i’m actually very normal (i swear)

1. THEY SHAKED HANDS… OH MY GOD… look it may not seem like much but when you think about it hand shaking is pretty much just hand holding with extra steps, so basically they just held hands (good for them!!!)

2. aka’s relationship with mirai is. so much to me. AND DRAWING PARALLELS TO TERU AND TIARA’S RELATIONSHIP… LITERALLY RATTLING MY CAGE BARS SO HARD AT THIS!!! also them agreeing that teru’s a piece of crap is so iconic fr

3. aka offering for teru to braid his hair is so damn telling of how theyre slowly but surely getting closer and starting to trust each other a bit and i just. AAAHHDJFJFJFJFJFJFFJAJSKDKKD. THIS IS DRIVING ME INSANE /POS

4. omg i remember when i was looking at one of the wips and i was like ‘wait op isn’t gonna pull a chapter 26 right…’ and i am SO GLAD that i dodged apollo’s dodgeball there because i’d probably cry if that happened

5. ‘wiggling around like a pathetic worm’ is such a Sentence™ and now it’ll be forever ingrained in my mind, i bet ten dollars i’m gonna end up quoting that like five times in a row while knowing damn well that nobody’s gonna fully understand me

6. aka’s reaction to teru being taller than him is so comically paradigmatic of their relationship like damn, i’m gonna go sit in a corner and think about that for a while gimme a few okay (and by ‘a few’ i mean the next few YEARS)

7. the part where teru ruffles aka’s hair and notices how cold it is OH MY GOD AJSKJDKDKFKF???? i think i’ll have to change that from a few years to a few decades… may or may not have led me down a rabbit hole of thoughts on aka’s lack of humanity ngl 😳😳😳 i’m like 2 seconds away from writing a small essay about it someone needs to either stop me or encourage me right now

8. ‘it was as if growing up made teru lose his survival instincts’… HEY, WHAT DOES THIS MEAN 😀 is it because he eventually falls in love with aka… i know what you are, teru 🤨📸 BUT ALSO WHAT IF IT’S SOMETHING ELSE okay i don’t know what else it could be atm but whatever it is i have a feeling it would not be good

9. tbh… i’m becoming a rita stan (i said, not even having the faintest idea of what she looks like because i can’t imagine people for the life of me) wait actually. you should draw her /nf… if you don’t do it first then i’ll just have to draw her myself ig

10. TERU CALLING AKA BY HIS NAME. TERU GETTING GENUINELY WORRIED FOR AKA. i am going to lock myself in my dryer and never come out omg i’m going to cry this is so important to me i’m never gonna dance again because of this

11. the way he’s starting to care about aka… i’m literally going to cry… god the way you write character dynamics and development is literally going to make me rip my eyes out IT’S SO GOOD AJKDDJKDKDFK. and the way he was denying it so hard too 😭😭 it’s like, he’s trying so much to convince himself that he doesn’t care about aka and i just,,, IT’S SO. YK

12. this is like. stage one: Denial™, yk. like he says and does all these things to try and distract from how he actually feels, HE OVERCOMPENSATES SO MUCH LMAO, idk how to articulate it but this is going to be the death of me, i was just waiting for him to realize just how much he cares deep down yk… actually this entire fic is just killing me to death tbh

13. AND THEN WHEN HE FINALLY ADMITS IT TO HIMSELF OH MY GOD. I’M GOING TO SLAM HIM INTO A MICROWAVE THIS LITERALLY MEANS EVERYTHING I’M USING EVERY FIBRE OF MY BEING TO NOT SCREAM AND SHOUT RN

14. and then of course he tries to pin the blame on aka, like he’s just doing everything in his power to deny his feelings lmaoo, that’s literally so in character for him… like who’s gonna tell him about friendship /j, btw this fic is stabbing me cesear-style rn

15. AND THEN THE ENDING OH MY GOD… NOW THAT’S HOW YOU END A CHAPTER FR!! i am currently going to explode with anticipation for the next chapter, i’m actually never going to shut up about this fic tbh

i don’t really know a good way to finish this small essay of a comment off, so i’ll just quote something i texted to a friend while in the middle of writing this: ‘i fink that fic may have ruined me tbh but it’s too radballs for me to go back now’. i think that adequately summarizes my thoughts on this tbh

so uh yeah!!! thanks for reading exactly 895 words of me incoherently rambling about this fic, next time i’m going to make a google slides presentation /j but seriously i love this fic so much and i can’t wait to see where it goes next!]

[partywithponies]

Since the only way I can work is by liveblogging the writing process, here's a rundown of the notable OCs in my A2A fic Fallen Angel:

(a lot of this info will probably never be mentioned in the actual fic since some of these OCs are very VERY minor characters who will only be mentioned once or twice, but I will know, and that's the main thing)

Somewhere Else:

The sentient void that Alex is lost in. It doesn't want her there and is trying to get rid of her by getting inside her head and exposing her to the horrors and hurting her, breaking down her soul bit by bit. What is the Somewhere Else? Who knows. It's ancient and all powerful and Alex messing about inside it refusing to die (so to speak. she's dead. but her immortal soul is still kicking) is messing with the very fabric of the afterlife. Is the Somewhere Else a sinister nightmarish form of God? Who knows. I'm the one writing this fic and I have no idea what kind of whack-ass horrific theology I'm inventing here.

DI Terrence Lyndon:

Some dickhead in Heaven who died peacefully of an unspecified illness with no significant baggage who never passed through Gene's world. A friend of Sam's ever since Sam arrived in Heaven. Thinks Alex is stupid and selfish for disrupting everyone else's afterlife just so she can try to escape Heaven, thinks Ray, Shaz, and Chris are stupid and irresponsible for continuing to stay loyal to Alex, and thinks Annie is a backstabbing cow for going behind Sam's back to help Ray and Shaz help Alex after Sam explicitly told them all not to do that.

PC Geoffrey Denton:

Died in the late 50s. One of the first coppers to join Gene in his world, and a good friend of his, once, though he suspects Gene has long since forgotten he even existed. Moved on to the Railway Arms before Ray or Chris arrived. Has been waiting a very long time for Gene to join him. Refuses to ever leave the bar though, just in case. Was part of Sam and Lyndon's Heavenly friend group, but honestly has got a bit bored of waiting around for something interesting to happen, and whatever the hell's going on with Alex Drake is the most exciting thing that's happened in decades, and he's thrilled to find out what happens next.

WPC Jennifer Field:

Died in the 1960s. Good friend of Geoff's. Moved on at the same time as him. Denies they're anything more than friends but also continues to sit at the bar every day just because Geoff is still there, so she's staying too. Was awed and impressed by Alex's great escape, but was only fully won over to her side when she saw Ray punch Lyndon in the face. She thought that was awesome, and if it was loyalty to Alex that caused Ray to that, and Alex basically breaking the afterlife that caused violence to even be possible in Heaven, then she's down to join in too.

DS Raphael Fitzroy:

Not a true OC, since this is my version of the iPhone guy from the finale, but since I made his name, rank, personality, and backstory up myself, he's basically an OC. Got pushed off a building by a criminal in 2010 and is now in a coma. Was a newly promoted DI back in 2010 and is unhappy to find he's now a DS again. Does not trust Gene at all. Knew of Alex Drake when she was alive, respected and admired her work, followed the story of her murder quite closely in the news. Has put up with a lifetime of people making fun of how posh and poncey his name sounds so prefers to go by either Just Raph™ or Just Fitz™. Gene naturally ignores this and makes fun of his name constantly. Is convinced Gene is the embodiment of some kind of infection on his brain, there to make him suffer and drive him slowly insane. Short tempered and easily frustrated but also has a tendency to freeze completely in the face of fear or danger, which is how his little accident happened in the first place.

DC Sarah Hawkins:

Another new arrival in Gene's world. Fell under a tube train in 2011 and was killed instantly, so aside from some oddly vivid dreams and an irrational fear of the tube, doesn't remember anything about her life or death or being from another time. Incredibly earnest, a little overly serious and doesn't really get jokes or sarcasm, but is very eager to please and desperate to be liked. Very much likes both Fitz and Gene and wants them both to like her, but her overly serious nature makes it hard for them to realise she's trying to be their friend, plus Fitz wants to go home and doesn't think she's even real so takes his anger and frustration out on her, and Gene is angry with her just for not being his old team and also taking it out on her. She's doing her best.

Bruno:

The new owner of the establishment formerly known as Luigi's. Some vague unspecified relative of Luigi. Young, tall, Italian, and eccentric. Runs the restaurant like he's not only never run one before but also like he's only got the vaguest idea of how they even work. Gene thinks he behaves like this is his first time in the real world and he's only just figuring out how to be a normal human. (Given the vague nature of barmen in this world, that very well may be the case, but Gene doesn't know that.)

[xx-justsomeguy-xx]

Hellooo just dropping by to say hii dear Iah, how are u doing? What are u up to?

I try to keep updated on your life with your ocassional posts but also been meaning to send you an ask for weeks now ;w;

I dont have much to share myself, but am just a few weeks away from my one month vacation and sooo looking forward to that..! Also been spending more time on Instagram to check stores but now made it to the arts and crafts side of it & it's driving me positively insane.

Saw these https://www.instagram.com/reel/CzzAFUiPaeg/?igshid=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==

https://www.instagram.com/reel/Czb9QONvHg7/?igshid=MzRlODBiNWFlZA== & couldn't help thinking of both you & also Dolasach 🥹🖤

Anywhoo, hoping all's well for you~ love you lots💌🥀

OH my god hello hello!! I'm so sorry it took so long to answer this sdhfjksdf I think something happened right after and I was like... "maybe I'll wait until I'm in a better mood so I don't just rant all post" and uh. Took a while >.>;; Oops

Tbh I kinda feel like 80% of what I've been posting lately has been either vent posts or me just talking about Genshin sdfhjsk and the remaining 20% is me talking about having a hard time with art orz >.>;; Though for the most part life really has been pretty must that... Mundane life things, art, Genshin, sometimes I write then chicken out about posting sdfhjsdkf

Curious about how you've been doing though!! I also try to keep tabs through your posts >w< Very glad you're getting your month off!! I hope you're able to rest and do all the stuff you haven't been able to bc of work + have some fun so the Horrors™ are kept at bay a little longer.

(Please tell me about Samarie and Sally OwO each time I see you rb something with their ship tag I'm like :0 Saw a clip the other day of actual Samarie dialogue and I was so surprised by how really sweet she seems? <-hasn't actually played through Termina asdhjkasd is she like... A completely different person with Marina or something...)

ALSO THOSE STORIES SDHFJKSDFJ STOPPPP 😭😭😭 those are so beautiful and cool wtf? The embroidered heart by Tessa Perlow is so... Ouuhgugh... I have no words ;w; The little book made of eucalyptus leaves is so cool too, there is an air to it that feels so whimsical ;w; So flattered they made you think of Dola (and me asdhjskdf though my personal sewing/embroidery career is put on hold as I try to zero in on fewer things to get better at them...)

[loveexpelrevolt]

She tried to tell herself that she was being silly, that she was letting her imagination (crouching together on the pavement and uncurling his hands into hers and there we go, there we go, there we go) pull her down a dead-end path of worst assumptions, but she had recognized something in the protective hunch of Ted’s back, in his desperation to get away from the pitch. The commentators’ jabs about bad fish pie had crackled vaguely in her ears as she took the stairs as quickly as she dared, knowing that it wasn’t that.  

It wasn’t that, at all.

When Ted panics during the match, it’s Rebecca’s office he runs to. Rebecca deals with her own anxiety as she tries to find him. [Alternate take on the end of 2x06]

[ohnoitstbskyen]

So I'm thinking about doing Business

I'm going to experimentally pay for Tumblr's "Blaze" on one of my posts to see what the effect is, if any. I don't plan to use it often, but if I'm using this site as part of my silly little content creator job, maybe it makes sense to advertise some things?

I don't even know what it would make sense to use that feature on, either... posts with my official video releases? Stuff like that article I wrote about the experience of going viral? ... posts about my merch store? (oh god I don't want to advertise the merch store, I haven't added anything to it in ages).

Anyway, if you see one of my posts with a "promoted" tag on it, that's why. Just figuring out if that's something that should be part of my job on here. There are some extended personal reflections on using Tumblr for My Job™ below the cut.

On the other hand, Twitter was never that much of a Business Platform for me, either. That site and app is insanely bad at driving traffic anywhere else, which is part of why its ad revenue was so low depite the huge user base. Getting people to click away from Twitter to anywhere else is like pulling teeth, even for people with million dollar marketing budgets, and so I just... kinda never tried, really. Partly because it never seemed worth the work, partly because it was my personal Twitter before it accidentally became my Business Twitter.

Tumblr in that regard is different though. Four years ago, someone posted an outtake from a shitpost video I did laughing myself half to death over an article about how millennials are killing mayonnaise. That outtake went some degree viral on Tumblr, and that virality did prompt a lot of people to go find the full video on YouTube, making it briefly the most successful video on my whole channel.

So I dunno. Maybe it makes sense to use Tumblr for Business™ in that way. Not that I think I can manufacture a viral hit, of course, but maybe paying to have my work shown to more people on here could be worth it? I guess I'll find out once that Blaze goes through the moderation.

It sorta ties in with a broader pre-post-Twitter reflection I've been having about how I use social media, though.

I don't want to be my job

My personal twitter became my business twitter entirely by accident, and while it was fun at first to have thousands of followers on my personal shitposting, it wasn't fun at all in the long run. At a certain point, usually somewhere past the 10k follower boundary (or if you had the misfortune of having a pre-Elon checkmark), people stop treating you like a person or a fellow poster, and start treating you like a brand, a celebrity (however minor), like a Public Figure. And on the one hand that's good, kinda, because if you have a larger platform, you do deserve more scrutiny. On the other hand, it means you can't be a person on your own social media.

Dark humor, in-jokes, dumb shitposts with friends, dunking on some random hot take, all of that starts to come with the danger that some stranger, who is determined to misunderstand what you post in the absolute worst possible faith, will see it and start yelling about it.

And if, as a person who has a bigger platform, you yell back at them, or dunk on their bullshit... yeah, there's a real risk that you're the one being the bigger asshole, actually. When you have a big Twitter audience, you have some responsibilty for what happens to the things you put in front of that audience. And if you have fans, they might want to defend you, and if you have a lot of fans, some percentage of them aren't going to know how to act or where the line is, and go way the fuck too far.

It's the reality of having a public profile. People will come at you in absolutely wild ways, accusing you of saying absolutely insane things that they have derived from truly deranged (often willful) misinterpretations, and you can't respond to that like a person responds, or you run the risk of being the one who does more harm.

And so you can't be a person on your social media anymore. You now have to be a Public Figure, and if you don't figure that out you're gonna get in trouble. I should have made a private friends-only account on Twitter far, far earlier than I did, I should have made an official brand account far, far earlier than I did. But the only way to know that is in hindsight.

... which leads me back to Tumblr. I've been thinking about Doing Business™ on Tumblr - Blazing my posts, doing SEO, promoting my brand and all that other shit that technically comes with the job I ostensibly have.

I fled back here when I saw Twitter start to torch itself, because I need to post somewhere, but do I need to post for myself, as a person?

Or do I need to post because I am TBSkyen the YouTuber and posting is part of my job, my brand and my online personality which I crafted as a layer of separation between myself and the audience but which has at this point become so entangled with my real self that I don't know the boundaries between them anymore?

Am I going to look back on this and realize, as I did on Twitter, that I should have made a private, friends-only Tumblr account right from the start, and not mixed the personal with the professional and with Posting? I have around 2000 followers right now and this is still fun and casual, but what happens if I manage to luck myself into a real following again? When am I going to dunk on something I think is dumb and cause the person who posted it to receive actionable threats because someone who likes my videos doesn't know how the fuck to act?

Anyway, this is the kind of shit that gets powerblasted through my brain when I pay $10 to make some more people see one of my posts on a website - how's your morning going?

[languagendersex]

I haven’t made a real post in a while. 

- currently binge-watching Grey’s Anatomy and i flove it

- which makes me really want top surgery

- also i just watched an episode with an intersex patient and i remember how jealous of them i’ve always been since i always wished i was intersex

- i started myself on T again after 6 months of being on estrogen-containing birth control due to me missing a few pills and getting a Very Bad Period™

- Currently in pain and should be asleep due to some kind of a stomach bug, but my brain’s awake for some reason, probably bc i’m so sad and desperate for top surgery and overnight changes

- dyed my hair darker today and i really don’t think it worked out. i’m a natural dark blond, and it turned out like a slightly darker reddish blond, so i’m gonna try it again with a slightly darker dye (yes i know my hair might fall out, i don’t care. plus i think that’s only if you’re going lighter, from what google tells me)

- i’ve had insane fucking dreams lately. i mean last night i had a dream i had an ectopic pregnancy and couldn’t get an abortion anywhere. oh, and i was forced to watch these insanely terrify movies about war, but i had to get sucked into them and act them out (and i couldn’t press pause or stop). i also had a dream a couple nights ago that all the women in my family were dying. and i was crying my eyes out in my sleep.

- seriously i don’t know what it’s like to have a normal dream anymore. i’m pretty sure any dream i have now is disturbing enough to be labeled as a nightmare

- also i kinda think i have a crush on one of the doctors i work with. She has a son, but i don’t think she’s married. I’ve never heard her talk about any spouse or significant other. i just like how she is zero bullshit, and idk why. i’ve been trying to figure that out all weekend. maybe because of testosterone spiking my sex drive, and her dressing kind of sexy for halloween (she was a zookeeper, but her boobs were just more exposed in the outfit). Maybe it’s her eyes, idk. Maybe she’s just my type - but she’s not. She’s short and blonde (not bleach blonde, just a tad dirty blonde, dyed from brown blonde), and i don’t think she could kill me. But I like her. and this is the first person I work with that I’ve really like at this job. And i really don’t know how to handle it, bc the last time this happened....it was Not Good™. 

- I don’t know what I originally intended to write here, but I think it had more to do with testosterone and top surgery. 

Now I really am tired and should get to bed.

Goodnight, tumblr friends.