#just some thoughts I had to write down because they've been driving me INSANE these past few weeks

[morweneledhwen]

While I'm still processing the finale I'm sitting here once again, head in my hands and staring at the wall, wondering how the hell this drama passed censorship. – Especially after all the things that happened in the last few episodes.

So my theories for why the three biggest queer coded relationships in Fangs of Fortune got through censorship are these:

- Zhao Yuanzhou x Zhou Yichen: was accepted because of Wen Xiao, whose existence seemingly made this look like a love-triangle, in which two guys are competing for one girl (everyone who has seen the drama knows this is not what actually happened, of course)

- Zhao Yuanzhou x Li Lun: was accepted because, well, Li Lun is obviously the bad guy of this drama, so how could there be love between them? (again, not my personal opinion, I'm just trying to guess what the reasoning here was)

- Wen Xiao x Pei Sijing: was accepted because they didn't have as many scenes in which they were close as the others ... and also, physical and emotional closeness between women is often seen and treated differently by society than that between men, let's be real

This just leaves Ying Lei.

Because we need to talk about Ying Lei and the entirely non-platonic crush he has on his best friend.

So I've read on MyDramaList that Bai Jiu was supposed to be older in this, but since the team was afraid that the relationship between Ying Lei and him wouldn't pass censorship, they made him much younger.

I don't know if this is actually true, but it would explain so much of Ying Lei's behavior towards him. I mean, of course you can interpret their relationship to be strictly friends-only, but in a drama as queer as this one I think it's only fair to consider all the options here.

Remember the 'cutting sleeves' comment when they parted for the first time on Mount Kunlun? By now it has become shorthand for gay love in Chinese media.

Bai Jiu refuses him in that scene, but that doesn't change Ying Lei's love for him. He can't help the silent jealousy when Bai Jiu prefers the company of other people to his, nor can he stop being there for him, preparing gifts for him and repeatedly sacrificing himself to protect him – and, finally, getting him back.

The way they had to pry Bai Jiu from Ying Lei's iron grip after he was saved in episode 30 really cemented that one-sided love for me.

So there could have been so much more to this relationship but since Bai Jiu is a kid in this, all the things he says and does to Ying Lei have been put in a completely different and much more innocent context.

But for Ying Lei, these feelings are still very much there, and I found it completely impossible to deny their existence.

[windor-truffle]

soooo I'm in the final dungeon of the main arc now 😅😅😅 sorry for not posting for so much of the story, hopefully I can come back and explain my many thoughts about it later, albeit very out-of-order. But I've always loved the endgame, so here's my very biased thoughts on a few of the skits at least:

ajskdsjf great question. I'm just gonna let Asbel pitch my long fic for me from now on 😅

On that point though, this is just further proof of that recurring character trait in which Asbel doubts his own virtues (probably because he "doesn't know [his] own feelings very well"). The backstory skit prior to this really drives this home:

Even I, an angst-loving fanfic author writing this exact premise, didn't have him go that far, though like Asbel I can't say with complete certainty that no possible universe could exist where this happens— extreme degrees of isolation, manipulation, and insanity could maybe get him to that point. But from my own fanfic take on his character, which I try to draw from canon evidence as much as possible, Asbel doesn't reach the "i wanna destroy the world" level simply because he's NOT like Richard, or Lambda for that matter— he's actually quite opposite from them as their foil.

Asbel's never been shown to harbor resentment or want revenge— not at Hubert for usurping him, not at the unknown Fendelian soldier who struck down his father. There's no skits in which he joins Richard in despising Cedric, even though the man murdered the king and tried to kill Asbel's dear friend too. Even Asbel's KO quote in battle isn't resentful, lamenting that "[he]failed everyone" instead of cursing his enemies for striking him down. I genuinely cannot think of a moment in canon in which Asbel seems to hate someone, but maybe my confirmation bias is blinding me to a good example (funnily enough, the closest moment I can think of rn is a skit in L&L in which Hubert tells him that Raymond's been stalking Cheria, and Asbel responds with a forced compliment laced w barely suppressed rage bc he doesn't want to insult Hubert's family 😅 but that's still more indicative of protective jealousy than resentment).

Asbel does get angry and defensive sometimes, but any hate he has is nearly always directed inward— for example, he doesn't swear vengeance against all monsters after one kills Sophie, he instead vows to make himself stronger so he'll never fail to protect someone again. He's driven by a sense of justice and protecting others rather than getting even or inflicting pain, he empathizes readily with his enemies even when they've hurt him or his loved ones, and he refuses to accept a reality in which others must suffer (and if anyone should have to suffer, he'd always rather it be himself; that's what it means to protect someone).

In short, I think that if Lambda had been with Asbel and forced Asbel to choose between saving himself or saving the world, Asbel would always choose the world. Even if he had lived through additional horrors bc some bastard author wrote him into a miserable role-swap AU 😅

[thegettingbyp2]

For Aaron 🥰

Reader is a very well known singer/songwriter-her grammys are proof.. But people start to notice that she writes more of love than she used to- after having albums written about heartbreak. People start speculating on who could possibly be the lucky man, and since Aaron's name was starting to become a household name in more than just theatre, and everyone knew that he was a very huge fan of the reader's... They mightve thought it'd be him. But he denies it, she denies it too after being asked about it in an interview... But secretly, they've been in love for years (even as children.. maybe her older brother was his best friend??) maybe even married? Maybe even have a secret child? Seeing as they are both very private people maybe it could work

Sorry it's lengthy xx love

Keeping it a Secret

You and Aaron had somehow managed to keep your relationship a secret for three years. Neither of you knew how you had managed to do it, especially with how fast your relationship seemed to progress; the two of you had gotten married after a year of dating. Though, if you had to blame someone for outing your relationship, it would have to be you.

It was just after the birth of your baby girl and all throughout your pregnancy you had declined to comment on who the father was but as soon as you brought your daughter home and the three of you were sat cuddled up on the sofa together, you felt this wave of love and affection rush through you and you couldn’t help but start to jot down some lyrics.

When your song, Keeping it a Secret, was released a couple of months later, your fans started trying to piece together who the mystery man in your life was; most of them getting it right due to the specificity of some of the lyrics that could only ever be matched to Aaron.

You were just about to head out in front of the camera on The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon when your phone pinged with a message from your husband. Since the release of your song, the two of you had been debating when the right time to announce your little family to the world was and you were 2 minutes away from heading out and you still didn’t know if tonight was the right time.

Aaron had sent you a photo of him sitting on the sofa, with your baby girl cradled in his arm, fast asleep with the TV on, ready to watch your interview. Underneath the picture, he simply wrote: I’m ready if you are, baby. You quickly sent a text back telling him how much you loved him before leaving your phone on a table and heading out.

---

‘So I just want to talk to you about your new song, Keeping it a Secret, because I have some questions,’ Jimmy said, making you laugh. You knew that you’d eventually reach this topic, it had just been a matter of when and as soon as the subject was brought up, you knew that it was time.

‘Go ahead, I’m an open book,’ you replied, grinning back at Jimmy.

‘Since the song came out, it’s been driving me insane trying to guess who this guy is because, and I think I speak for everyone here, we’ve all noticed how happy you’ve been for the past few years but this song really sealed the deal. Now I have my guesses about who it is but the real question is, is it time for we find out?’

‘Well, how about you tell me who you think it is and I’ll tell you if your right or not?’

You noticed the whole audience quieten as Jimmy leaned back in his chair, clearly excited. ‘Okay then, I think that it’s Broadway’s very own Aaron Tveit.’

The blush that flooded your cheeks gave you away instantly and the whole audience started cheering and the applause that followed was deafening. ‘You’re good,’ you replied laughing. ‘We started dating three years ago, we’ve been married for two and now we’ve got a beautiful 6 month old baby girl.’

The rest of the interview felt like you were floating, relief had rushed through your body at the fact you were no longer keeping your relationship a secret. By the time you had got back to your phone, you saw that Aaron had posted on his Instagram story a picture of you on the TV, a tiny baby handprint swaddled in a pink blanket wrapped around his finger and the caption: The cats out of the bag, Mrs Tveit.

[soundlessmind]

before i write this out let me preface a little.

i can be pretty harsh sometimes, and largely the effortless and restricted cluster-fuck that is tweet threads along with the incentive to be as mean and hate driven as possible to up your exposure did not help me mentally all these years.

sometimes my character is meant to be someone that is just against the world because largely that has been my walk of life. i am not accepted by many, if any, and it really wasn't my choice i just kinda got driven here.

however-

i see this kind of content slop in my youtube feed more and more these days.

and it probably is actually more my fault than youtubes cause i fell down a rabbit hold and spiraled into a major depressive episode that i didn't even realize was happening- yknow what, it doesn't matter.

the point being is not if this is rage bait or not, the point is the attitude this kind of media carries. this entitlement to intrigue that most people ive met seem to have in that-

you are not that interesting.

and i don't necessarily mean that to be insulting, its just fact, people are not as interesting as they want to believe.

but you CAN be.

the problem i see with a lot of people that hit this wall in their social lives is that they have nothing to say to people, which is a problem i have too.

i currently experience that with basically everyone that i don't either have some parental or romantic drive to try and i guess "help"?

as for how to BECOME more interesting...

i haven't figured that out

but i have noticed a common mistake that people tend to make when say..

making new friends

going on dates

hitting social gatherings

hitting up the cashier at your local supermarket

and probably many many more!

the problem being

you aren't offering any real part of yourself first.

you just walk up to people and expect them to have a meticulously crafted buzzfeed-esque laundry list of questions memorized primed and ready to fire at any given point.

it doesn't help the other person for you to constrict the conversation to only things you think to talk about, you have to be open to the narrative that unfolds as you explore the uncommon path.

you have to indulge your intrusive thoughts and not think:

"i like talking about trains, so ill talk about trains, and if they mention anything other than trains ill just steer back to trains."

ive had three hours of sleep in the last two days, maybe 6 in the last 3, im running on fumes at this point so it's honestly very hard to put my thoughts into words at this exact moment.

but i see this kind of attitude a lot in my local area, especially with older people, or people that come from specific social cliques.

but that's the south for you.

the problem is its an internalized entitlement to the idea that everyone needs to take an interest in you specifically and must have something to say and if they don't they are a bad person.

no one has ever cared about me, people walk up in public and call me ugly to my face. people do not defend me, people do not stand up for me. my feelings are never considered in anyone's mind no matter what i do in most every case.

it's not until i fight back and make people scared to confront me that these things are considered, it doesn't matter how nice i try to be.

im just an ugly guy, so it must not matter, or i must deserve it.

so fine, im insane, im "unstable," but let me ask you something. if it were you, if you'd been the one outcast from pretty much everywhere you've ever gone, would you not be the same?

like people already don't like me on sight as someone that fucking sucks just visually, even if they've never met or heard of me before.

something about me just rubs people the wrong way.

when honestly im just generally uncomfortable outside of my home because people get this attitude with me out of nowhere because im an anxious person because people get this attitude with me out of nowhere because im anxious that someone might get this attitude with me out of nowhere and it has led me to become a very angry and distrusting person that would rather be hated than try to make friends.

and no matter how old i get this doesn't seem to change.

people want a character

i craft a character

they hate it

i change the character

they hate that

i stop playing a character

no one is comfortable around me

im not really sure how to end this post, i think i just wanted to straight face this and actually get it off my chest in a more serious and non exaggerated tone.

my point is im very tired of people, and i really don't mean to upset anyone, but no matter where i go or what i do- which options are limited- with my life, i cant seem to really get along with anyone without scaring the shit out of them first.

like presenting myself as a kind of threat that will never come.

or one that was never meant for you?

it's hard to say, im not really sure who i am around others anymore, i only know who i am when im alone.

[trashquisitor-shirozora]

#10 and #13 for the storm, the suns, the stars (either as a whole series or individually) also i hope youre having a nice day/night!!

Aw nonnie, thanks for asking! Could've had a less technologically challenging night but that's why you make a little buffer for yourself when starting NaNo - gotta make sure you have enough words to cover your ass for when Life happens or the grind gets you down.

10: Why did you choose this pairing for this particular story?

Oh this is definitely a "whole series" kind of response. You ever experience the kind of restlessness where you're just BURSTING at the seams to do SOMETHING but you can't figure out what any of it is? So you're just stewing in this storm (lol) of energy with nowhere to go and you think you might know why but you're not sure you want to go down that road again but maybe just maybe this could be the start of something new. Anyway I tell everyone that after I finally came down from the absolutely insane high of the Mando Show Season 2 finale, my first coherent thought was, "So Grogu has two dads now?"

I read a few of the early dinluke fics (somehow avoided all of the Early Big Fics because I just wanted a nibble, I wanted to see if I Liked liked this ship and wanted to stick around instead of like... breezing in and out like I did with OFMD) and figured out that oh, I want to write this, I want to write them, they crossed paths because of Grogu and he is the axis of it all, but there is something to a member of the Mandalorian diaspora meeting (one of) the last of the Jedi. Their cultures and heritages are hanging by threads after what the Empire did to them, they are survivors, this is so interesting there is some good fucking Potential here what the fuck.

But The Storm came to me as a real ass Shower Thought. Start where Din gets left off - dude with no ship, no baby, and a laser Excalibur who is desperate for a ship and to get the fuck away from Destiny and also Bo-Katan. Send him back to his old stomping grounds to get a new ride by working with/for Greef and is given a job to bring back a bounty hunter. When Din finally catches up with the bounty hunter, they're on Some Planet with Ruins and Luke is also there minding his own business but collided with Din's business collecting a bounty and the bounty hunter's business doing his own bounty hunting. It was a real straightforward premise and a way for me to kinda dip my toes into dinluke, The Mandalorian, and the much MUCH bigger and older and scarier Star Wars fandom.

This particular ship had potential and I concocted a particular story to test drive the ship, and then I started writing it. This really was supposed to be a kind of a one-off, a "let's see what happens" kind of thing. Same attitude as with the FFXIV fic I was writing at the time. But. You know how people say they never wrote or drew what they've been writing or drawing with dinluke? (Like, the way people started churning out absolutely INSANE quality OFMD art, like a sheer avalanche of joy that seized fandom spaces for a month) I know what they mean. Because this particular ship and this particular story/series was supposed tobe a one-off but now it has my whole soul.

I was always intrigued, enamored with Din Djarin but writing The Storm made me realize I really fucking love this character. The Storm gave me this quiet yet incredibly intense and emotionally charged space to explore Din's mindset after losing his ship, giving up Grogu, and gaining the Darksaber. And here was a Jedi, one of only two Din knows, who helps Din deal with all these fractures in his life and who's struggling on his own to recover and restore everything the Empire destroyed. This was so much more than I bargained for, and when the story was over I wanted more. I wanted them to reunite and for Din to reunite with a Grogu. I wanted to see how Din and Luke's relationship progresses because I never read enough stories that continued a relationship, and I wanted the setting to be the opposite of being trapped inside an ancient temple ruin on a planet with finicky storm systems. So Tatooine it was, where we got to see familiar faces and Din learned more about who Luke is under the Jedi and Rebel hero exterior.

I wanted to tell the same story for Din, for Din to reveal more about himself to Luke, which was how I started writing The Stars. I also wanted to write about his inevitable collision with Bo Katan and other Mandalorians, and the future of their people. I wanted to really get into the idea of "the personal is political", about Din's feelings about the creed and his obligations to his people no matter how much he Does Not Want This, and if he'll ever have a softer landing and ending. I don't know if I can pull it off but good fucking lord, dinluke really made me want to map out and tell this story because they're just so. good. at telling this kind of story. It's insane. I don't get it.

13: What music did you listen to, if any, to get in the mood for writing this story? Or if you didn’t listen to anything, what do you think readers should listen to to accompany us while reading?

For the longest time I watched AhnoldT101's Star Wars Galaxy Of Heroes streams and he started playing this song in the background. Everyone noticed because it was so good? It was so catchy? It was the kind of music I craved ever since I watched Tron Legacy? And he finally told everyone what that song was. The song was "Dangerous Dreams" by Lebrock.

And now you know where the name of the series came from.

I listened to this song and a lot of rain/thunderstorm ASMRs while writing The Storm to put myself in the mood. Actually, I listened to "Dangerous Dreams" in a nonstop loop for days, it was so bad.

The playlist I posted for The Suns is the playlist I listened to while writing that fic. When I was done, I arranged the songs in order because I'm Pretentious AF.

I have a writing mix for The Stars that is a lot of synthwave/retrowave, trailer music, and some genres of music that I don't know the name for but have a very epic fantasy feel to them. I'm sure most of the songs will be reused for the official ficmix when I get around to it.

JFC I did not mean to write so much but I sure do appreciate the opportunity to exercise my brain for the inevitable mad NaNo writing sprints.

Play ask games, win ask prizes!

[sageblogsthings]

to celebrate The Crimson Moon reaching 30k as of this morning, i thought that i would share the progression of the opening lines of the book, and talk a bit about how the book has grown and changed in the last year! on july 27th it will be exactly a year since i first started writing this and wow i’m not getting emotional you are aha whaaaat

*cough* anywayyysss!!

draft one: please oh god don't judge me

ok i'm not going to talk negatively about my past writing because it got me to where i am today but. [marge i am looking away meme] if you can't tell, i wrote this when i was going through the existential crisis phase of uni and just wanted to live in the woods, i say like i would not currently move to the woods in a heartbeat asdklfja

at the time that i wrote this i was really happy with it because the writing was fun and, as a result, easy! at this point i was just writing in my down time from uni, and i didn't know what the plot was or what my plans were for the book as a whole. because this was just something i did in my down time, i think my writing took on more of a conversational, stream-of-consciousness tone, and that's part of what made this draft (or start of a draft, i only got like 12k in i think) so easy to write. but eventually, as the plot started to come together and i started to gain more inspiration from sff writers as a whole, i realized that this book wasn't heading in the direction i wanted it to. it wasn't just something to do in my free time at that point, it had taken on a life of it's own. and thus, draft two began.

draft two: electric boogaloo

ngl these lines still slap and i love them. there are definitely things i would change, but these lines will be in the current draft of the book, albeit not in the first chapter and altered slightly. when i started this draft, i didn't have an outline but i had a very clear, cinematic image of how i wanted this chapter to go. i think having that before i started writing helped a looooot, both in terms of prose and just being able to convey aspects of the setting/character in the first paragraph. as i continued writing this draft though, i realized that some of the character arcs didn't make sense or were getting a bit messy, and that, based on the story i wanted to tell, it didn't make sense to start with Xalia. while there are six main pov characters in this book, Vanna really is the main character and i wanted that to be clear.

draft three: this time it's personal actually good

these are the current first lines of the book, and honestly my favorite so far! starting off with Vanna rather than Xalia definitely gives the book a different feel, and it's one that's more true to the vision i have for it. in my opinion, this opening does a much better job of setting up some of the book's themes, which admittedly i'm still figuring out lol. grief and loss are major components of all the character arcs, and are integral to the plot itself. switching to present tense has also been a LIFE CHANGER for me. it's funny because, on the second stab at this book, i kept slipping into present tense, but forcing myself back to past tense because i thought present tense sounded weird. turns out it only sounded weird because it was surrounded by past tense, and now that i've written 3 chapters in present tense i can solidly say that this is the way the book was meant to be written. it just feels like my book now, and i'm so happy with where it's headed!

i also made an outline for this draft of the book, and while i've already deviated from it somewhat to work out plot holes or increase ~foreshadowing~ in certain scenes, getting all of the events out of my head and onto paper has really allowed me to just write because i know that i have a document to refer back to if i get stuck on where the story is headed. making the outline also really pushed me to think about character backstories, most of which i had previously established, but now they've changed a lot to fit together more cohesively and integrate with the plot more clearly. i've also changed a lot of the character designs, and as a result of changing the appearances and backstories of a lot of the characters, i feel a lot closer to them and the story itself. the characters have well and truly taken on a life of their own, and now i'm kind of just along for the ride, telling their stories and loving every second of it!

ALSO!! the last big change with this draft, which i just implemented literally this morning and am so so sooooo excited about, is having first person referral, present tense mini-chapters/interludes! it gives the book a really unique sound and ties into the plot really nicely i think! i feel like the structure and form of the story are finally tying into the story itself and it's driving me insane a little bit askdfjka

as of right now i'm not ready to reveal who the pov and referral characters are in these chapters, because i'm debating between a couple ways of doing things and if i go one way that would end up being a pretty big spoiler! that being said, i got really hyped up about it earlier today and rambled in the spoilers section of my server so if you do want that sweet sweet spoilers content....join my server! ;)

also. i hope u all know that i almost deleted that first snippet about ten different times but transparency in writing and all that, i really do want to show how much this book has grown and changed! even if it's going to cause me immense psychic damage to type up the image description for this but i digress

i think that's all for now, and thank you so so much if you read all of that! the love and support this project has received and continues to receive absolutely blow me away, and i can't thank you enough for being part of the journey! <3

the crimson moon taglist (ask to be +/-)

@dallonswords | @isherwoodj | @florraisons | @aetherwrites | @childhoodlovers | @bijouxs | @ziyin | @moonhungers | @piyawrites | @avi-why | @svpphicwrites | @alicewestwater | @ladywithalamp | @spencers-tomes | @discreet-writer | @sunwornpages | @abalonetea | @the-bard-writes | @x-writes | @morganwriteblr​ ​| @aphaimaniis | @stephwriteswords | @ninazeniks ​| @araliensmagica | @fuyugomori | @ryns-ramblings | @greyjaywrites | @marimos

image descriptions below the cut

[header image description]

the background is a dark castle with a checkerboard-patterned marble floor. the hallway fades into black, with the hint of a figure standing in the doorway. white text across the image reads "The Crimson Moon" in a large, all-caps font, and below that reads "wip update post" in thin, lowercase text.

[image description for excerpt one]

I lay on my back, gazing up at the sky. The weather was absolutely perfect. I could hear the crickets singing, the birds chirping, the brook babbling, all that good poetic shit.

I came out here often, just to get away and pretend like I wasn't a part of the fuck-all society I lived in. How could humans be so ignorant? We live in a world with this, I gestured expansively in my mind at the field around me, how can we not see how beautiful it is? How perfect it is? How imperfect we are by comparison?

[image description for excerpt two]

Xalia strode down the marble halls, the soft leather of her shoes meeting each tile with a cacophony of echoes. This was not the first, second, hundredth time that she had walked these passageways, and yet the chill she felt when contained within their depths never seemed to subside. The looming corridors and billowing curtains always seemed to hide sinister whispers that breathed down her neck and pricked at the tips of her ears. Perhaps it was the High Council, with their unnerving masks and owlish eyes, seeming to know and perceive all — or perhaps it was the knowledge that every time she stalked back towards the exit, she would carry the weight of another’s life on her shoulders, a life that she had to take.

[image description for excerpt three]

Vanna’s mother always tells them that grief is a sharp, biting thing; something that latches its teeth around your stomach until you double over with the weight of it. But for Vanna, that’s not quite right. There isn’t something hidden and tucked away behind the confines of their gut because there isn’t anything there at all. As they walk towards the town well — a spell book in one hand and emptiness in the other — they think that their mother got it wrong trying to describe grief in terms of presence. Grief, to them, can only be absence. The absence of light, the absence of a smile, and the absence of a palm which had curled so perfectly into theirs.

[skittles1229]

Old Expectations Die Hard (Dashie x Reader Fanfic)

Chapter One: Weird Circumstances

You know your life is complicated when the friend you always complain to says "you never have a dull moment do you?" I sigh as the weight of the world seems to make it impossible to breath. You see recently things have been rough. I lost my job and my fiance all in the same day, that itself was an unbelievable story. I was so upset and strung out on thoughts of what to do that once i got home early from work i didn't notice the extra car in the driveway. i stepped into my home and my own floors felt as if they'd given way when i saw the guy i thought i'd be spending my life with in bed, with my sister... my sister and i hadn't been on good terms for a while and for a good reason! The drugs she took either made her unreliable and selfish or crazy and murderous. He, of course, pulled the its not what you think, id never hurt you, it was a mistake, and honestly i could write a book out of the excuses i heard in the time of two minutes but maybe another time. Needless to say i left. I never thought about going back and to be honest my sister looked more hurt then i was. I took a job in California a few weeks ago and moved in with my friend (BFF Name). They always seemed to know what to say and honestly i truly believe They  knew me better then i know myself. 

California gave me the biggest culture shock I've ever had. I came from Mississippi, the bible belt and the most rural part of the world. California was sooooo different then what i was use to. The weather is awesome. There's lots of jobs for technical people, at least until you're 45 and then you're considered ancient and you can't possibly know anything when some 23-year old out of Stanford tells you that they know it all. (a little bit of sarcasm there) It's a great place to start a new company, money is available as is talent. The risk of starting a company is lower since you can always find a new job The politics are insane, if you aren't towing the progressive party line you should just STFU. If you even once say that Trump has done something positive, or that Obama did something negative prepare for the wrath. Read the stuff behind the recently filed lawsuit against google for a taste of what it's like. Seriously, don't say a word. The state if structurally bankrupt, although the finances look good because so much stuff is off of the balance sheet. The public pension liability dwarfs the "good" part of the budget, and some day it is coming home to roost. Watch out when it does. The cost of living is absurd, really absurd. I'm not talking just a place to live but gas, electricity, haircuts, milk, pizza, you name it. The traffic is absurd too. (can you tell i like the word absurd) The public transit, although usually on time, is a mess. People are pigs, they throw trash everywhere, the cars are overcrowded almost all the time. 

I've got to say, from how much it sounds like i hate California, i actually don't.  Mainly because its so far away from my original family, leaving really helped me start to grow up and feel like maybe i was getting a hold of my life again. Only problem has been getting to my new job on time. I work as a barista and a waitress at a brunch place a good minute away from the apartment. The money is good, otherwise i wouldn't waste my time with the commute everyday. i keep being late to work because i still haven't adjusted to how terrible traffic is and so my boss was "nice" enough to switch me to the later shifts. The hours are long and boring because my shift starts in the middle of rush hour to the slowest hours at the end of the day meaning you have to find things to keep yourself busy with. the only good thing is, we can wear pretty much anything we want as long as its black. all i wear is dark colors so i didn't have to spend any extra money on a uniform and i didn't have to wear the same thing everyday. Today i decided i wear a v-neck shirt that with an emperor waist (body forming) with black skinny jeans and my regular converse. i decided against driving to work and decided it would be far smarter to catch a bus to the nearest destination. My (hair color) hair was done is a fishtail messy braid, i always liked this style because it made me look like i had a head full of hair when in reality i thought i was going bald. 

My personality was a little odd, you see some days i felt like the beautiful nerd who has no confidence and wants to hide away in a hole. other days i feel like a model from Victoria secrets, of course those are the days i get the most tips. today was honestly a mutual day, where id rather be at home in my bed asleep, or listening to music. The bus finally stopped a block away from my job and i sighed obviously not wanting to go into work. surprisingly there wasn't nearly  as many cars as there usually is around this time but i wasn't complaining. i walk in to see that most of the downstairs was empty but whoever was upstairs definitely had a loud mouth. i walk to the back in order to clock in and i bump into melany ( the girl im shifting with). "wow you actually got here on time! Maybe the boss's mood will cheer up." i huffed a little. "yea, i dont know why i thought id need a car in California, say whats with the low level of customers? its NEVER this slow." she looked at me in disdain, "some guys reserved the entire upstairs and we had to make this huge table out of all our tables up there, glad im not gonna be the one fixing it later." i rolled my eyes, i hated when a huge family came in and they just had to move everything around because little johnny wants the sit next to suzzie and suzzie HAS to sit by her parents bc she likes to throw her food on the floor, all fake names but a real situation ive been in before. "well have they at least been fed so that i only have to clean up after them?" she shook her head while hanging up her apron. "nope, they've only ordered their drinks and they are getting those onto trays now." so today was gonna be like every other day. "guess i better go help them take those upstairs then, have a good rest of your day." i walk away and slip on my apron, grabbed one of the trays of drinks while another waiter grabbed the rest of the drinks. Once i got upstairs, that's when i met him...

Chapter Two: Last Will and Testament

          He was sitting on the far end of the long table of people laughing and joking. everyone seemed to be loud and all had their own inside jokes. This guy, he stuck out. i changed my attention to the task at hand, finishing this shift. i hated when people moved all the tables and seating around. all the waiters and waitresses have to go back behind them and look at the layout of the floor to put them all back exactly as they were before. it was a struggle and because of this nobody actually wanted that job so usually the manager gives it to her least favorite workers and i happened to be one. "who all had coke?" nobody answered me so one of the men bellowed out the same line and somehow was able to get a show of hands. i walked around handing  out drinks, catching the lingering smell of strong liquor. i could tell by the end of tonight they would all be wasted and loud. please, just don't make more of a mess then you have to, i thought to myself. i had one drink left on my tray, "sweet tea?" the guy i saw before at the end of the table waved his hand and i dreaded going over there, i always seem to make a fool of myself when it matters. 

     i make my way slowly down the table with the tray under my arm and the tea in my hand. i lean over to sit his drink on the table.."here's your t-" *CRASH* while joking with one of his friends his elbow crashes into my hand sending the tea flying all over me and the cup crashing to the floor, thank god i wore black. he turned around and looked more horrified then i did. "i'm sorry! i'm so sorry!" his voice was deeper then i imagined it'd be. "no, it my fault i'm sorry ill get you a new one." i turned away to hide my embarrassment and walked away really just trying to get away from the situation. i could tell from the silence behind me that all eyes were on me. i ran to the back where the lockers were for the service. i went to the bathroom and stripped the sticky clothes off throwing them aside. i sat on the toilet  trying to catch my breath, my social anxiety had struck me  hard. a feeling of worthlessness and dread fell over me like a blanket. after the past few months i've had just one day without something terrible happening would mean the world to me. i heard a knock on the door, it was melany, she walked in with a towel from the kitchen. "hey, i heard what happen upstairs are you ok?" i covered my breast trying keep myself as unexposed as possible. "oh yea im fine, im just cold, and sticky, and... covered in tea." melany and i made eye contact and both laughed just to lift the dread in the air. "let me guess, all the guys are getting a kick out of watching me fumble again huh?" i said a little less concerned and more annoyed. she rolled her eyes "they are boys, they get a kick out of picking their own nose. we both slid to the floor beside each other, she hands me the damp towel. i get most of the sticky off as possible, throwing my hair up to make it look less clumped together by the sugar. "i have an extra black t shirt in my locker but i don't know how it will fit you. your breast are at least a size larger then mine." i shrugged my shoulders, "who cares ill make do. thanks for your help melany." she smiled her weird anime girl smile and ran to get the shirt from her locker.

     ill have to admit, she was right about the size thing. it was far to small around the chest area but the rest fit fine. after the incident my boss stuck me down stairs wiping tables and sweeping the floor, i dont mind though because i get to experience the day coming to an end with a beautiful sunset over California. i secretly kept the the window to watch as the sun fell from the sky. the sky seemed to burn and darken while the clouds began to glow with the last bit of sunlight left. the sky filled up with burning Burgundy and faded orange and yellows, the tallest buildings seemed to reach for the skyline as if it were a sunflower moving to the last drip of sunlight. moving here had been hard, and this had become one of the things i looked forwards to. living in the apartment with my friend was nice, buts its not the same as coming home to someone you use to lay with every night. sleeping alone seemed so much colder and emptier then i remembered from childhood. my mother would be so disappointed in the way i turned out, in the places id gone and the decision to spend my life with someone who was most obviously the wrong one. she would have told me to slow down and to take my time, that growing up wasn't everything. she would have said love isn't something you just wake up and have, its something you make. i wasn't anywhere close to where i thought id be by now, and i could see that. it tears at my heart everyday, not being able to see her or any of my family. sometimes it felt as if they'd all died in the fire that night. 

     i suddenly heard a boom of voices making their way down the stairs, i hadn't realized how close to closing time it had become. all of them walk out stumbling and laughing at their own jokes, seems they all got a good bit of drinking in, all except one. The guy i ran into on accident seemed as sober as ever, designated driver i think, he was much taller now. he seemed muscular but in such a fitting way for his body. his teeth sparkle because their so white, his smile complimented him best. his high cheekbones made his chocolate brown eyes his best feature. His skin was glowing with a sweet honey hue and before i could notice that i was staring he turned his head. his eyes met mind before i could think twice and that's when i felt the heat rise to my cheeks. weather it be from embarrassment or silly school girl shyness i didn't know . i turned my face away but it was too late, i turned my face a little just to catch a glimpse of him before he made his way out of the door and that's when i noticed his cheeks had gone from a burnt caramel to a rosy color. i felt my body shiver at the thought that maybe, just maybe he found me as attractive as i found him. i shook the thought from head realizing they had began locking the place down. as i helped close up shop and wash dishes i couldn't help but to let my mine wander to all different kinds of thoughts, funny thing was they always fell back to him and his rosy  cheeks. i couldn't help but smile as i felt my heart race at the thought of him, even though id made a fool of myself today i was glad i hadn't ruined my chances. Even if he'd never get with me or i wouldn't ever see him again, i'd still take it as a compliment that he even looked my way. 

     before long we were all outside laughing and talking about today. The manager locked the doors and said his goodbyes. i turn to walk towards the bus station when i see a man standing aside awkwardly between the restaurant and the parking lot. suddenly my eyes adjusted and once they did, the joyousness butterflies came back and the blush suddenly reappeared on my cheeks..

There are lots more chapter after this if you are interested you can find them here

https://my.w.tt/sosFRmianbb

[thefreshfinds]

Nitty B:

In his prime Nitty B is considered an optimist.

Sure life may take its jab every now and then, but that doesn't stop this Colgate-smiling wordsmith from radiating his positivity to crowds worldwide.

While Nitty B has a genuine, driven & laid-back demeanor, listeners can say that he becomes a different person when hes onstage.

He's more outspoken, full of high energy & tuned in with the people he encounters.

As Nitty revitalizes a dead scene with a boom bap feel, he speaks on things like self awareness & what's been lingering in his mind.

His bobbling floetry fits perfect with the clear cut vocal deliveries he conveys thus fans can't help but to keep an ear open for what's coming next.

Nitty B is just your local pharmacist from New Jersey who wakes up with music on his mind. The rhymers passion runs so deep that he plans on making it his full time career, "I love music. I try to work on something every day to get ahead & be heard. Whether it's writing, recording, mixing or just freestyling. I like to keep myself sharp." Nitty B goes on to say "I grew up listening to so much different stuff. From Jay-Z & DMX to Jack Johnson to Weird Al. I remember growing up with headphones in (almost) all of the time & I still do to be honest. Every car ride — waiting at the doctors office, the bus to & from school. If not then I was playing it out loud by myself or with just people in general."

Influenced by the likes of Eminem & Lil Wayne, he started putting the pen to the pad at the age of 7 (maybe even 8), "I remember writing a few lines & messaging it to my cousin to see what he thought of it." says Nitty B "Even in middle school I was writing raps for random school projects & also writing full songs in high school with some friends. But I didn't start taking it seriously until college. I started going to studios, performing at random events here & there then kept going after graduation."

Besides being one of his biggest influencers, Nitty B believes that Em & Weezy F. Baby has helped him mold his own sound. "They've done so much for me musically. Lil Wayne is a genius!" Nitty says "He's just ridiculously smart. His lyrics are so creative & all the insane amount of references is just crazy to me." But these two aren't the only rappers who have moved Nitty. He is also moved by Nicki Minaj, Kendrick Lamar & Nas who got him to be more complex, to feel a different type of love for hip-hop.

The one thing that makes Nitty B. different from the rest is that he works in the healthcare field, “I have healthcare workers in my family & having that ingrained in me for so long exposed to me to a lot of things not everybody’s exposed to.” says Nitty “I feel like there aren’t a lot of artists like that in the hip-hop. This perspective helps me see things with a complex view & I try to put that in my music.”

Music to Nitty B is real expression. He says it’s like having a real conversation with the listener. “Not everything has to be deep or crazy lyrical but I just want them to feel something like I do when I spit. If I’m feeling mad excited I put that energy on the track & if I’m feeling low, you should be able to hear it. You’ll know it’s coming from a genuine place.” Nitty B adds “I just try to convey my real feelings — what I’m going through or what I’ve seen.”

Nitty B has always loved the rawness of hip-hop but within the decade, Nitty B feels like it’s far from apparent.

He would like to see it once again in the current era.

“I miss the rap that had real emotion & lines that gave you chills when you heard them. That’s what really drew me in. I don’t see or hear that as much anymore. It’s definitely still there but it would be great to see that more mainstream.”

In the same way, within a five year radius Nitty B. will be at a place where people are really hearing his music, “I put in a lot of work over the years perfecting my craft & finally got my sound down so I’m ready to start putting all that out.” he adds “I think people resonate with other people when they’re being real & I think a lot of how I make music now isn’t as calculated, just comes from what I’m feeling.”

Given these points — Nitty B is inclined to become a well known artist. Carrying substance & reliability in his rhymes will only get him even closer to the charts.

He is a beam of sunshine who’s ready to turn things up a notch in a forecast of castaway rappers.

Say goodbye to the old days & hello to the new age. Nitty is here.

By: Natalee Gilbert

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Link(s):

1. Spotify: Search “Nitty B.”

2. Instagram: @itsnittyb

3. Soundcloud: https://soundcloud.com/nittyb

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Fun Facts:

1. A local artist that he would love to work with is S.A.V, “She's got an amazing voice and I think the vibe would just sound great together. I tend to rap about a lot of melancholy stuff and I think she would know how to really match my energy.”

2. His favorite line that’s ever been written comes from “Better” on his mixtape “Conscious” (which is available on all platforms) “I think everybody overthinks things sometimes including me.” says Nitty B “When I wrote this I was going through a time where I overthought too much and was so afraid of something happening but after it was all said and done nothing happened and I just stressed myself more than I should've so I finally grew out of it. I think it’s one of my favorite lines because it reminds me of how therapeutic writing it was at the time.”

Verse:

“Maybe its all inside

Fake thoughts get real when you make 'em alive

And you sit and you simmer put your mind on drive 

Every minute you linger you get took for a ride”

:)