#just so tired idk if ill have the energy to exercise my rights regarding this..... bgeh

[lowpolycule]

ive been sick for over a month and just discovered my apartment has mold

[eldritchsurveys]

992.

What to you believe happens to us after death? >> I’ve settled on “the lights go out and that’s that for my existence” as the most logical result. I’m actually disturbed by the concept of an afterlife -- one life is more than enough for me, I can’t imagine having to continue in some other realm. It baffles me that this could be a comforting thing to others when... don’t you just want to sleep? Wouldn’t you be tired? Consciousness takes so much energy. I mean, whatever. At the end of life I just want to curl up in the Great Void and take the eternal sleep. Have you ever cheated on someone? >> Yes. What are your plans for this weekend? >> The same as always -- grocery shopping, park meetup, laundry. Does the thought of growing old frighten you? >> Not usually. The only specific things that would frighten me are infirmity and terminal illness, but those aren’t guaranteed to happen with old age, they just become more and more likely the older you get (and if you get old enough, some level of infirmity is pretty impossible to avoid). Oh, and the other thing that frightens me is the American approach to ageing and dying -- everything is regarded as a fight against death, and I think at some point I would like to just accept my impending death and not have a myriad of weird medical techniques employed to keep me conscious (and for fucking what? just let me die with some dignity, not withered and noncommunicative and shitting myself in a hospital bed). What is the best movie you’ve ever seen? >> The question should be “what is your favourite movie?” and the answer to that question is “The Fountain”.

Have you ever hurt someone for your own entertainment? >> Probably. Learned behaviour, you know. What is your favorite song of all time? >> I don’t have one. Has anyone you’ve known died on a holiday? >> No. If you could write a book, what would it be about? >> I don’t think I would write a book. I love to write, but only casually. Fanfiction is perfect for me in that regard. Do you think most people understand you? >> I don’t know. I assume most people aren’t terribly interested in me in the first place. Not even in an emo way, lol, just... that’s just the way it works. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? >> If I could change one unchangeable thing then it would definitely be to give myself the power to shapeshift. What are some lyrics that speak to your soul? >> The entirety of You Ain’t Coming Back by Zeal & Ardor, for one. Pearl Jam also has a lot of songs like that -- oh, and Guaranteed by Eddie Vedder, for the Into the Wild soundtrack. 

Are you in love with anyone at the moment? >> No. Have you ever been in love with more than one person at the same time? >> The first question is whether I’ve ever been in love at all. But if I did/do have that capability, then there’s no reason it couldn’t happen with multiple people. Monogamy isn’t my bag. What is your favorite time of year? >> I really like this time of year in particular, and the winter holidays, activity-wise and vibe-wise. But the weather can be a downside. I do love spring best, but not much happens in spring, and it’s really short besides. :( What is your ideal first date? >> --- What is the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to you? >> *shrug* Do you have any taboo fetishes or preferences? >> Yeah, I have a few. What is the thing you are most ashamed of? >> Myself. Toxic shame is definitely a problem. I’m doing my best, but it’s going to take a lot of time and effort to unlearn thoughts and feelings that I’ve developed in childhood and have had reinforced ever since. What is the emotion you seem to feel most strongly? >> Grief. Sorrow. Loneliness. But also a certain kind of warmth and vibrancy and... love, I guess? that I think I only have access to when I’m willing to admit exactly how deep my sadness goes. Do you think of yourself as a unique person? >> As unique as anyone. What is a movie from childhood that you loved? >> The Prince of Egypt. Love*, though, not past tense. Are you afraid of death? >> Yes. But I’m pretty sure some of the various alternatives are more frightening -- being forced to live in a pain-riddled, broken body; being hooked up to a bunch of machines in a hospital, unable to communicate or interact with the world; being too afraid of death to recognise when it’s your time; the currently nonexistent but still disturbing idea of human immortality. I spent about a year wrestling with full-blown thanatophobia and that sucked, but the fear I have now is a more developed thing -- a sort of “holy terror”, I guess, that encompasses desire and awe and excitement along with the fear and anxiety and grief. I usually just say “I’m in love with death” but only other Scorpio dominants would understand that ~ What are your top three biggest fears, actually? >> A lot of chronic pain / terminal illness / that sort of thing; continuing to be conscious after death (hopefully this is as irrational a fear as I’m assuming it is); idk what else. Sandworms. Sure, let’s go with sandworms. Muad’dib I am not. Do you have an accent of any kind? >> Everyone does. I’d have to get a linguist or something to tell me what mine is, though, because I don’t have any idea. What do you want to be remembered for? >> --- What is your favorite number? >> 9 / 19. Do you have a favorite television show? If so, what is it? >> No, I just have a lot of favourites. Are you currently sad about anything? >> Not immediately. But sadness is kind of a default sub-feeling for me; it’s always accessible. What was your first job? >> Working in a casual restaurant. And what job do you have now? >> --- Have you ever changed your spiritual beliefs? >> Certainly, several times. What is your favorite alcoholic drink? >> Absinthe. Do you ever talk to yourself? >> Aside from Inner Child communication, I mostly just talk to other Inworlders, not myself. But to the average singlet, of course it would seem like talking to myself. Have you ever cried yourself to sleep in your adult life? >> Of course. What do you think is the meanest thing you’ve ever said to someone? >> I don’t know. How do you celebrate your favorite holiday? >> I don’t really celebrate it, per se. I just enjoy the vibes and watch movies and listen to carols and... just immerse myself. I’m probably going to go full apeshit on my St Nick fixation this year, I can already feel it. Do you have a favorite book? If so, how many times have you read it? >> I don’t have one specific favourite book. Do you have any teachers from the past who inspired you? >> No. Do you prefer sad or happy music? >> I don’t have an emotional preference for music. My preference is that the music makes me feel something, but it doesn’t matter what the something is. Speaking of which, what is your favorite genre? >> I don’t have one. What is your best talent? >> *shrug* Have you ever wished you were from another country? >> No. What are you thinking about currently? >> Just these questions. What is the closest red thing to your body? >> Stella, one of my stuffed otters, is holding a red star (hence her name :D). What is a subject that makes you uncomfortable to speak about? >> My emotions. What is your favorite clothing store to shop at? >> --- Do you have anything you are extremely particular about? >> Oh, do I! Have you ever seen the ocean? >> Many times. I do miss it.

What is your most fond memory of your current S.O, if applicable? >> I don’t know, man. Do you find yourself confused often? >> Not often. What is your dream career? >> --- What was the best time of your life? >> --- Have you ever been on a cruise? >> Nope. Do you miss any of your exes? >> Nope. Who would you like to say something to? >> I don’t want to say anything to anyone right now. Are you religious? >> I’m something.  Do you think you are attractive? >> Not usually. How many people have you slept with? >> Too many. Do you consider yourself a catch? >> I don’t. Again, toxic shame is a fuck. But even with that, I feel like deep down I do feel that I have value, that my existence is worth something, that I have something to offer to other people even if not everyone recognises or accepts it. I’ve just been so convinced otherwise that it’s hard for me to believe my own self. How could all those other people be wrong, and I’m the only one that’s right? (It sure sounds fallacious when you put it that way, doesn’t it? This is when being too logical just ruins your life.) Do you enjoy naps? >> No. What kind of sauce do you eat your chicken nuggets with? >> I eat Nuggs with barbecue sauce. I have this one that has no HFCS in it and now I like bbq sauce again! (Really got tired of bbq sauces being sweet as fuck for no reason, like everything else in this country.) Are you happy? >> Sometimes. What do you think you could do to improve your life? >> I could probably exercise more. But it’s damn near impossible to motivate myself to doing something I find tedious and unfun that has no immediate good results. There’s got to be a way I can get more exercise without brute-forcing myself into doing something I don’t want to do. I just haven’t found that way yet (and like, we can’t fit exercise equipment into this apartment, so while an exercise bike or treadmill sounds like a perfect solution for me, it’s not one I can employ right now).