#just so my blog doesn't stagnate and die

[theworldvsyoshiko]

Since I just linked it from my main blog anyway, I guess this would be a good time to do a State Of The Union for the colony. I usually do some kind of summary a week or so into each colony, but never got around to it for this one.

The fine seaside orphanage of Robot's Ocean is fucking huge now.

We've got multiple nested layers of defensive walls, a world-class temple and rec room, three geothermal generators, a tidal generator, a solar generator, a full natural gas helixien system for heating and cooling, a greenhouse, a genetics lab with an extensive gene bank, space for 5-6 prisoners to live in comfort, and enough freezers to keep about a year of food on hand at all times. And an in-colony hot spring, most importantly.

The colony's currently worth is about $400k, which is $50k more than any of the previous ones have hit, so it probably isn't a coincidence that I've needed to burn two antigrain warheads on recent attacks. That growth has stagnated a bit, which is fortunate, because as combat goes we're about at our limits. On the upside, we now have something like seven combat owlbears, a Scyther, a Tunneler, a Tesseron, a Centipede Blaster on the way, and of course Yoshiko's pet thrumbo Chiyo.

On the other hand, after investing about $15k into building and upgrading Spencer only for it to die trying to get to its bedroom, we're pretty strapped for cash. And we need some, because the map is just about mined out, and all of these robots and endgame weapons require a lot of materials. Unfortunately the map being mined out also limits our options for producing trade goods. The current plan is to mass-produce... corsets. If you haven't played the game just trust me when I say that this is a sensible plan, but we'll need to do a lot of hunting to make it work.

Following the terrible Tactical Nukes In The Hospital incident, I've rearranged things a bit. The short version is that we've only got one outdoor orbital targeting beacon now, and it should steer most drop pod raids to a less terrible location. Will this help much if another group shows up with a dozen rocket launchers? Hell no. Eventually I'd like to set up one or two extra beacons as decoys.

The population is currently 8, which is just about the lowest it's been in years. These kinds of things happen when four colonists get blown up in one evening.

Yoshiko "Happy" Russell

is, of course, a forever-22 psychic cyborg vampire foxgirl who controls robots with her brain. (Her actual effective age is now 34, but the game doesn't care about that.) She's currently undertaking her Dark Slumber in her Chambyr of Bloode for the next day or two, as one must when they are a vampire.

She's good at fucking everything now. (And good at fucking too; she's got an implant for that.) Her lowest skill is Plants at a 9, or 'solid professional.' She's rated as Expert or better in Shooting, Melee, Construction, Animals, Crafting, Art, Medical, Social, and Intellectual. She has 827 kills, 34 mechanical implants, maxed psychic potential with 10 psychic abilities, and wields a sapient EMP sledgehammer named Nalorgargur. Thanks to being a vampire, the only way to permanently kill her is to destroy her brain. With so many implants, I think the only other ways to even incapacitate her in combat are with an EMP or by destroying her liver. In theory you could make her bleed out too, but she's effectively immune to that. (You should go for the brain thing anyway, because she has pretty good body armor under that parka, but still insists on wearing a beret instead of, like... a helmet.)

Truly she is... the ultimate lifeform.

Toby Lang

Man, this makes for some real mood whiplash. I mean, look at him. There isn't much to say about Lang.

He was found in the wreckage of a space battle a few years ago. He spends all of his time cooking, doing doctor stuff, or handling the colony's pet rabbits. He's no good in a fight. Yoshiko adopted him and he adores her as much as is physically possible; her opinion of him is 7/100.

Actually though, Lang does have one solid accomplishment under his belt. During the last Diabolus fight, all of the blood bags prisoners staged an escape. Everybody who was good in combat was off doing that, and Lang was the only person nearby. So, he grabbed a shotgun and did surprisingly well at controlling the situation. By which I mean blowing their brains out. Can't get any blood out of them like that, but it's better than having them set the base on fire on their way out.

Saburo Richards

Listen, I can't stress this enough. He was like this when I found him. Unlike everyone else, he's an Animusen, a natural foxboy by birth. What benefits does this give? Well, uh. Not any, really. He's fast in the cold and slow in the heat, which was nice before the climate's average temperature got bumped up by 18F.

Richards is still 12 and I'm really hoping he gets some fantastic growth at 13, because he isn't good at anything. For whatever reason, he apparently gets really abusive when he's in a bad mood, because every mental break he's had has been an insulting spree. So most of the colony has opinions of him like

In fact, Olga and Yoshiko are the only two who would even be sad if he died, I think. Yoshiko, of course, adores him.

Raymond "Raywolfen" Wolfen

... has to be the most colorful kid here, as a slug person who was raised by wolves and then crashed outside during a space battle. Don't let the sprite fool you; the game just doesn't know how to render how fucked up she looks. According to her genes, she's got the body of a slug, but covered in scales, with the face of a fox, slug-style eye stalks, and constantly secretes a foul-smelling substance that decomposes corpses. You'd think that being a hideous slug/fox amalgam who smells like rotting bodies would be horrible for her social life, and you'd mostly be right, but Yoshiko adores her. She didn't even adopt her or anything. This happened naturally.

Raywolfen's only really good at combat, but that's okay, because we desperately need that right now.

Ben "Bush" Nitsiza

... is another adopted son who recently turned 13. He's great at melee combat, and got two mechanoid kills while horribly sick with the flu last night. He's... decent at crafting, art, and research. We're working on it. He's not decent at social stuff, but he's the preacher anyway. For now, at least.

Bush actually gets along with everybody else pretty well, which is surprising for somebody with the traits of 'snob' and 'too smart.'

Cindy

... is a sapient mech (it/its) that has only been around for half a year, as part of Yoshiko's ongoing quest to find true love. (This isn't working out very well.) As a hunter-killer mech, Cindy's only really good at combat, and is incapable of... most other things. It's decent with animals and research though, and is slowly learning how to do medicine too.

Cindy is currently flirting with Yoshiko about once every few days, which would be cute if it would just wait until Yoshiko considered it more than a passing acquaintance. It'll work out some day though. I'm sure of it.

Dae-up "Nerd" Kim

Is it fair for me to blame Nerd for the fact that he was chased here by pirates with rocket launchers? Probably not. But it still happened, and it got four people killed. And Nerd's a completely amoral kid who tortured small animals when he was little, so I'm not gonna pretend that I like him. I genetically modified him to be good at mining, so he could mine out the collapsed rocks that trapped Sora as he burned to death. Take some responsibility, you little prick.

Most of the colony likes Nerd, but he's really rooted in his intensely xenophobic ideology, so he hates almost everybody in return. The one person he actually likes is Yoshiko, and that's only because she's ridiculously pretty.

Nerd's actually pretty competent, unfortunately. He's great at mining, crafting, and medical. He's pretty decent at construction, and he'll pick up art fast if we find the time and resources for him to do much of it.

Olga Keuneke

... is 11 and a pretty recent arrival, so there isn't much to say about her. Unlike certain assholes, the trouble that she brought with her was a machine that warmed up our Siberian-ass climate, so I already like her. She's got a huge passion for animals, but she isn't learning much about it because she's not skilled enough to work with our animals. You can't start out by training predatory owl monsters that weigh half a ton.

[divineerdrick]

Warhammer 40,000 Balance Changes for December 11, 2024: Core Changes

Okay, I won't lie. This shouldn't have taken this long. But between my health, PoE2, and Grotmas, it just took a while to put this together. And while I haven't been consuming any 40K content besides Grotmas, and I've been steadily logging my honest and unfiltered reactions as I've worked, I'll go ahead and put this in "Not So Live Blog."

I already addressed the article in my Grotmas Livestream, so we're heading straight into the thick of things today. Let's start with a summary of the current state of balance in 40K.

As with most of this year, balance in 40K is probably the best it's ever been. While some will argue that previous metas in previous editions were more interesting, it's difficult to argue that balance has been tighter. More than ever before it is possible to win with any faction. More than ever before, there are more play-styles available to faction specialists. The game is in a great spot!

But that doesn't mean there isn't anything to fix.

As others and I worried, GSC has risen to become a faction bogeyman again. Though to be fair, I never thought it would be this bad. The GSC player base is skilled and dedicated. Presented with the changes to Cult Ambush and a slew of cuts to their unit costs, faction specialists have had a field day. And competitive players with the resources to jump in have also had success. While it does require skill to pilot, the faction is definitely too strong as is.

The main problem is the aforementioned Cult Ambush. Depending on your die rolls, this rule does anything from nothing, to forcing your opponent to play against a seemingly endless horde. And now that Cult Ambush units can deploy out of Deepstrike, skilled players can take those returning forces and terrorize other armies. The result is a niche faction suddenly pulling in an incredible amount of tournament wins while being incredibly overrepresented at top tables.

In the mean time, another army many predicted would be strong is also performing extremely well. Even before Aquilions dropped in from orbit, Guard suddenly found themselves with some incredible boosts to their faction. I honestly thought that Tank Commanders would be fine with nerf they got. They are so not fine. And since many long time competitive players have Guard armies . . .

And nipping on their heals is another faction that refuses to break before planets do. While Sisters have only brought home a third the wins Guard has since the last MFM, they're still heavily overrepresented at top tables. Some of this is almost certainly skilled specialists boosting their numbers while the influx to Guard is probably bringing there's down a bit. But Sisters are still a faction to be feared.

On the other end of the spectrum is Space Marines. Dark Angels did, in fact, really suffer after the nerfs to Codex Marines. Blood Angels and Space Wolves also went down a peg, though they're both mostly fine right now. And core Codex Marines are still hurting. Interestingly, their cousins on Titan have been hurting even more. Despite buffs, they've been held back some by changes to the Core Rules and haven't risen as their foes have fallen. Their Index also just isn't that deep and they're suffering from stagnation.

Finally there's Imperial Agents. While some skilled players have taken them up as a challenge, or just wanted to have some fun with them, they're still just not a real army. They need an army rule. They need detachment rules that aren't so incredibly limited to a small number of units. They just need a lot if GW intends for them to be a real faction.

I also can't leave out the Deathwatch. They'll be returning to the faction list proper now. Here's hoping their improved Index and shiny new Kill Team breathes some life back into the faction.

But again! I can't emphasize enough just how good the game is right now! My favorite thing I'm seeing are the “mad ladz”. Crazy players that seem to be picking detachments no one is taking and saying, “Imma win with that.” Then they do it. The most famous is probably Jon Camacho who took home a GT with the Null Maiden Vigil, which many were claiming was the worst Detachment GW has written so far. But this just keeps happening, and I'm so here for it.

Core Rules Updates

At the top of our new document, they preview that there are further changes to Fire Overwatch! Let's take a look!

This is small but not unimportant nerf to the Stratagem. In the Charge phase, you can now only use Fire Overwatch! when the Charge is declared. So you have to decide whether to use it before you see your opponent's Charge Roll. This was how it worked in previous editions. Fire Overwatch! has been the source of a lot of grief since 8th Edition, so it's one of those rules that needs to be carefully tuned.

And that's really all there is! There isn't even any new FAQs. Looks like the Core Rules are reaching a place where Stu and the gang are happy with them.

Pariah Nexus Tournament Companion

I forgot this one last time. It's also still a little hard to work with since I still can't find my own copy of the deck. But let's take a look!

Huh! Looks like I might have missed a version. Still, I'll be looking for changes since the October release.

Looks like the update is in the FAQ. GW has confirmed you can use Fire Overwatch! on a unit trying to complete an Action without causing it to fail. See what I mean about that rule causing issues? And that also appears to be the only change. Looks like GW was saving the majority of their effort for the factions themselves. So let's look at the Dataslate!

Balance Dataslate

Right off the bat we're hit with the two changes we were warned about in the WarCom article. You can no longer use a Stratagem to setup on the table within 6” of an enemy unit. As long as the source of the rule is a Stratagem, you have to be outside of 6”. As for the Armour of Contempts out there, these effects now end when the attacking unit finishes making said attacks. Space Marines had better be getting some nice buffs . . .

And with that, we're on to each faction! I'm going to do a mix of things this time around. I'm gonna write a post for each of the Super Factions like I did last time. But then I'll follow that with separate posts for the factions with the largest changes.

Spoilers, but if you want to looks specifically for those articles, they're Adepta Sororitas, Adeptus Custodes, Genestealer Cults, Necrons, and Space Marines.

[your-bigender-big-brother]

HelloI am not Thinking Well at the moment This is not really gender related and if you don't respond then it is **perfectly fine**. I am just a little desperate. I won't bother you with context but I am not exactly Well due to Reasons I have a little question: Should I try and somehow love myself and do the 'mental health'-y things? or should I keep living without living just waiting to die? A) should try to be kind somehow [scary] B) should continue doing whatever I'm already doing [hopeless] C) I should stop asking people I don't know for life advice and figure it out myself - J. Lavender

I've always liked the idea of "If you're scared, do it scared" but I know that isn't always the easiest route.

I am 34 years old and do not have anything figured out right now. The only thing cementing me is everything I do on Tumblr. That makes it seem like I don't entirely care about anything else - the zine, my memoir, my YouTube channel. There's a lingering apathy there that I can't quite shake because of my lack of confidence. I wouldn't quite care if it all failed and I only had my blog left.

That being said, there is a healthier way to use indifference to your benefit. You don't have to love yourself. It's nice, but it's something that takes a lot of work and isn't something you can do first before working on everything else. So, be indifferent. Don't try to force "I love my body and I love me." Try to think of it this way - "My body gets me to where I need to be. I am someone capable of a lot of good. People enjoy my company." There's less pressure to perform in a way that you will love. Instead, your focus is on a more practical way of tolerating yourself. It's a step toward the whole self-love thing, not something to live by for the rest of your life.

Being kind doesn't have to rely on loving yourself. Sometimes it just means taking care of yourself or doing things to make your life easier. Kindness is something beyond your opinion of who you are doing the kindness for, like being kind to strangers. You don't have to love a stranger to be kind to them and either way, they are deserving of kindness. You are deserving of kindness. Take it from someone who wants to die but is too busy to do something about it: Find something that distracts you. It doesn't have to be for anyone's benefit but your own. I feed outdoor cats, I grow plants, I raise colonies of isopods, I write queer stories, and I draw. A lot of that is just for me. Find something just for you. To answer your questions:

A) Yes, but focus more on taking care of your needs than on loving yourself. That can come later with time and practice. It's only scary when you set lofty goals for yourself and try to get to that point immediately, instead of taking the smaller and easier steps to get there first. Take the first step. B) Stagnation is a cycle and it's something I struggle with. Wake up tired, worry about how my tiredness is going to affect my day, start to spiral into "What if I fail today, don't get anything done, and then my long-term goals are ruined?", do everything with a lack of confidence and motivation, go to bed feeling like a failure. You don't want to keep doing the same thing over and over. You'll want to do just one thing that can interrupt the cycle. C) Reaching out really helps, but I think reaching out without the intention of gaining life advice is the more helpful option. Just be a part of a group. Talk to people. Do something fun or interesting with someone. - 💙💚

[nerves-nebula]

my dad sent us videos of some weird objects and then broke down in an extremely long text how each of the objects relates to things that have gone wrong in his life, and how these objects were dug up from beneath his house.

this was like, a juju thing apparently? like basically a curse to stagnate him financially, to stagnate his family life, to make him and his kids impotent (his words), and to prevent us all from ever returning to Nigeria to like, take over his estates if he died.

he then goes on to talk about the kidnappers who were supposed to kill him a while back (seems pretty recent but i don't remember him telling me about these kidnappers, only the ones from when i was a kid. don't worry about it i guess!)

he mentions a pentacostal prophet (i do not know what that is) who dug up/removed these items from his house who said they might have to do with some of the family issues he's been having (which like yeah man. your wife is abusive and your kids hate you cuz you are also kind of abusive but w/e)

sooo now apparently his driver and carpenter are detained (i didnt know he had those things) cause of something to do with the kidnappers?? like idk maybe they were related to that happening?

this is all to say that his evil half brother is probably to blame (it's always fucking something with that guy. don't ask me his name, i don't know it)

ANYYYYWAY I'm telling you guys this because 1- i want to remember when i scroll back through this blog and 2- a while back while playing wizard101 in Zafaria (yikes, i know) they said some generally racist stuff about Juju and i got so genuinely offended on my dads behalf despite not having thought about it in years.

like first of all fuck off second of all shut up third of all juju is a real thing and just cuz i don't really get it doesn't mean it's not clearly important. some motherfucker stuck a key through a snail to fuck with my dad like !!

it's kinda interesting cuz i dont really know what juju is? my dad mentions it now and then, but he's also strictly christian, so it's like, christian with his own cultural Tiv background. so like, this is all distinctly non-christian witchcraft, which is clearly taken as a serious threat. but with the addition of stuff like him saying that "god is clearly at work here, let us put our faith and trust in Jesus Christ, the author and finisher of our fates"

so like. interesting stuff going on here. they put the objects in a bag and burned them, so i hope this helps him out. i also hope he doesn't die violently.

[thirstzone]

On The Interpretation Of Nero

I’m thinking about writing down my thoughts about each of the characters and how I portray them. This is mainly just so I can come back to these if I get writer’s block! Everyone is entitled to their own interpretation and everyone can write the characters as they wish! This is just how I personally interpret each of the characters.

Without further ado, on the topic of the devil hunter Nero.

Nero is possibly the most varied in his emotions throughout both Devil May Cry 4 and Devil May Cry 5. He’s shown bashfulness, sorrow, desperation, tenderness, and, of course, irritation and rage. That’s not to say the other characters haven’t shown these either, but Nero in particular stands out to me as the one with the biggest range of expression.

The way I write Nero with a loved one is based largely on his personality from Devil May Cry 4, admittedly. If you’ve heard of the concept of “tsundere”, Nero definitely shows shades of this trope throughout Devil May Cry 4. For example, he gives Kyrie a gift: a lovely necklace. Rather than giving it to her directly, he leaves it on her seat for her to find when she goes to sit next to him for the sermon, and when she picks it up, he simply looks away and acts like it’s not that big of a deal.

I don’t quite remember the context of the situation, but at some point, Nero scratches at his nose bashfully. I believe it was when Kyrie grabs his hand near the end of the game? Either way, it’s a very cute gesture, and Nero’s obviously a little shy in that moment.

He feels emotions very strongly in general. When it seemed like he couldn’t stop Kyrie from being absorbed into the Savior, he calls out to her and even sheds tears. He initially attacked Dante because Nero decided he was a threat to Kyrie’s safety.

But what’s perhaps one of his strongest traits: his temper.

This was incredibly evident in DMC4 as he refuses to hear Dante out whatsoever, instead engaging him in battle. His anger at Dante is disproportionate to what it should be, although Dante was admittedly taunting Nero as well. When Nero is angry or irritated, all logic goes directly out of the window.

And this is a trait that clearly sticks with him in Devil May Cry 5, mostly directly at Urizen. In mission 8, when he finally breaks the crystal and lands a blow on Urizen, he mouths off to Urizen, regardless of the effort vastly outweighing the actual damage he had done. He’s incredibly irrational if something gets under his skin.

But let’s talk about the differences between DMC4 Nero and DMC5 Nero, shall we?

When I write for DMC5 Nero, I have to remind myself that 5 years have passed and he’s indeed grown more mature. He’s no longer a teenager, and he seems to have more of a hold on his emotions, although he’s still got a short fuse. He’s no longer the type to shoot (or slash) and not bother asking questions later, but he’s matured a bit, and shoots and asks questions at the same time.

He seems much less like a tsundere in DMC5 as well, but perhaps this is because he’s been in a relationship for years and got more used to expressing his affections.

He’s still dorky, though, and I love him for it. He’s matured, but still young.

[wereh0gz]

ALRIGHT EVERYBODY I'M SHIFTING INTO RAMBLING MODE

Get ready to learn about my ocs

Remember these guys?

Their world is called Eterna, and they're its designated guardian deities (well, Zephyr, Sage, and Siren are. The Little Traveler is something else entirely.) Zephyr is the Guardian of the Skies, he protects Eterna's atmotsphere and even has some control over the weather. Sage is the Guardian of the Earth, they protect the lands as well as the flora and fauna of Eterna, and are able to grow plants and control them. And finally, Siren is the Guardian of the Oceans, she protects- well- the oceans of Eterna, and can control its waters.

The Little Traveler is a strange creature. As their name suggests, they travel around the world. Why? Because it's fun! They love to see and learn new things! And they've been exploring for a long time and have found some curious things and encountered lots of different creatures!

Unfortunately, some of those creatures aren't very friendly. There's a lot of monsters, called Umbral Beasts (name and design are a work in progress,) ravaging the world. They are creatures born from darkness and hatred, whose only goal is to shroud Eterna in shadow for all eternity.

And they're succeeding.

Some places in Eterna have been plunged into darkness for a long, long time. An eternal darkness often called the Penumbra by the few people still left in the world. The beasts managed to defeat the Guardians, and, well...

The Little Traveler finds them, and they're, well... for a good while Siren and Sage are not having a good time, to put it lightly. The Little Traveler doesn't really know what's going on, though, so they just kind of see it as one of those weird, maybe slightly unsettling things you find on an adventure and leave it at that. At least, until they meet Zephyr.

Zephyr is the only one left, and he's weakened after fighting off the Umbral Beasts for a long time. He's searching for his siblings too, but he's exhausted.

Good thing he's found a little friend to help find them! And help fight the beasts too!

So the two go on an a quest to save Zephyr's siblings and rid the world of the darkness that plagues it, eventually learning that it runs a lot deeper than just the physical world.

In fact, it's source may lie within the god of Eterna itself, Null. (I need to make a more proper ref of it at some point, but it's design is pretty much set)

(It looks familiar, somehow...)

(Sidenote: not sure if I'll post these sketches in my art blog. I might post them, I might not, idk.)

Null is a creature of light and void, encompassing everything and nothing. It was revered around the world as the creator of Eterna and everything in it (including the Guardians and the beasts), but recently it has been abscent, neglecting it's duty as a god. Whether it created the Umbral Beasts intentionally or by accident, no one really knows, except for Null. And it doesn't seem like it'll clear things up anytime soon, leaving some of the remaining peoples to think that it outright abandoned them and others, including the Guardians, with their doubts.

As for the world itself, i haven't really drawn anything for it yet, but I imagine it as something like a combination of Kirby and the Forgotten Land's world with some extra bits from Sky: Children of the Light and maybe even a bit of Hollow Knight thrown in there. Lots of natural landscapes, with plenty of ruins and remnants of old civilizations. Overall it's got a sort of fantasy post-apocalypse vibe. Some areas would appear to be dark no matter what time it is because of the Penumbra, though there are other areas that are still unaffected by it. These places are often called Havens due to their relative safety from the Umbral Beasts, at least during the day. That's usually where any remaining civilization is located.

Areas affected by the Penumbra face a sort of stagnation, where things eventually stop changing and evolving and just kind of die out. It's very barren and cold, and not much can survive in the lack of light, except for the Umbral Beasts who thrive in the shadows and are actually harmed by light.

How do they get rid of the darkness and save the world, though? Of course, only with the REAL SUPER POWER OF TEAMWORK--

Actually I still need to figure out the specifics, but it does involve confronting Null itself. The Little Traveler is the key to defeating the Umbral Beasts and casting away the Penumbra once and for all. Why, exactly, no one really knows.

Now for some extra fun facts about the characters!

The Little Traveler get's nicknamed Tiny by Siren after she's saved, because The Little Traveler is a mouthful and they are very small. They're also called Little Guy, Little Buddy, Little One, among other nicknames that emphazise how small they are.

Tiny doesn't speak, but they do have a voice and can make sounds like crying, laughter, and chirps that everyone assumes to be their equivalent of speaking. If they could speak like we do, they would most likely sound like a small child.

Siren is the tallest of the group, while Zephyr is the shortest (besides Tiny who literally fits in the palm of someone's hand.)

While the Guardians are all the same age, they do as any triplets would and argue about who's technically the oldest. They can't decide who's the oldest, but Zephyr and Siren have come to the conclusion that Sage has to be the youngest. This annoys Sage. A lot.

While Tiny looks almost like a small shadow, they actually glow slightly in dark places, somehow. A light white aura surrounds them while in the dark. No one has figured out how they do this, or how it works, and honestly Tiny probably doesn't know either.

Tiny is kind of like Kirby in that they are happy and cheerful and seemingly unaware of the horrors of their world and the implications some of the things they face have.

They also hold a lot more power than you might think.

Tiny becomes incredibly attached to Zephyr, as he was the first Guardian they met, and eventually come to see him as an older brother.

They basically get adopted by the Guardians as their baby sibling.

As the Guardians are all deities, they don't necessarily need to eat and sleep. They won't die from not doing it like we do, but eating and sleeping helps them replenish their energy, so they still do these things regularly.

Aaaand that's all I can really think of right now, but there'll definitely be more in the future once I develop the world and the characters a bit more.

If you made it this far, thank you for listening to me ramble on about this little world that currently only exsists inside my brain. I really appreciate it. And I hope you like these ideas I've had rattling in my head for a good while now.

I think I'm done rambling now tho. Feel free to ask any questions if you have any!

[lone-wolf-no-more]

#DRVN30 The Beginning of the End, or "Winter Doesn't Last Forever"

My first ever blog post, anywhere.

(Starting Over at Day 1 Yet Again...tomorrow)

Just an average dude who WILL claw his way out of this, for himself, and for the sake of his family and those he cares about!

So, why am I doing this in the first place? Firstly, I have to admit, I have this obsession over getting into the DRVN inner-circle when it's over. And lastly, because I KNOW that if I push myself to do hard things, in the middle of the chaos that is my life right now, it will carry over into the future.

I'm in a place right now, geographically, mentally, etc, that it is a matter of move or die. Keep pushing forward or stagnate. Yeah, screw that. I'm not going to let myself die (so to speak), NOT going to let myself give up.

I'm living with relatives in a small home. My grandfather has graciously allowed me to set up my computer at his bedroom desk, where I type this from. Thing is, The room is directly adjacent to where he has the television on nearly every waking moment. So, that makes things interesting for sure. Let's just say I'm super glad I found that hearing protection in the tool shed.

Interspersed with this will be bits of my journal entries, which hopefully will give you some idea as to my emotional and mental state during this challenge.

Firstly, why I have to start at day 1 again:

I was on the way to bed, and somebody mentioned something they were working on. I gave my input, and it didn't end well. Instead of letting things cool off, I had to continue the conversation from my bed, texting them. Pretty pathetic, huh? I couldn't let it slide for now, I just HAD to have the last word. By texting somebody who was in THE SAME HOUSE as me. I promise you, it isn't just my machismo tendency of wanting to fix everything, and be "right" (whatever that means). It was a misdirected effort at now allowing something to continue, and be "stuck where it was, under the rug".

I have a sibling on the spectrum, ya see, and there are times that even though I think that I was very clear with what I said, they can misconstrue it as something else.

What makes it harder for them, is that they have had to put up with a LOT of totally wrong and undeserved judgement and labeling. And when I fail to communicate properly with them, and they can get upset (which doesn't happen often, but once is one too many), I can get VERY depressed. And I don't want to just let something cool off before I return to it. So I end up making things worse by continue to talk. Like, the rest of the day can go absolutely amazing. I'll get stuff done, I'll stay focused, have some small wins, stay out of trouble (whatever that may mean lol) take some small steps forward up the proverbial mountain.

But when I lose that battle against my own ego, and mess up with my sibling, I feel like none of that matters. Because I FAILED THEM, and I FAILED MYSELF. Yes, admittedly, a conversation with a person who has both had crazy trauma an who has Asperger's can be tough at times. But that just sounds like a copout to me.

So yes, I "failed" day 1, and I failed that conversation. I see these conversations as tests, tests which once they're over, they cannot be repeated.

But, "Every day is new, with no mistakes in it." Kudos if you know where that quote originates.

Also, if you have actually read all the way through this part, you are hands-down a legend.

"On with it already!" Yeah, I know I'm a windbag at times, sorry about that.

#DRVN30 Challenge Parameters

Remember, this isn't me beating myself up "like an abusive parent" as Leon Hendricks put it. This is self-care. Suffering leads to strength. Difficulty leads to diamonds.

Wake Up Time:

Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday I'm waking up at 8:30 AM each morning. Even if I'm not out of bed, I start the process by doing breathing exercises to help me wake up, and then a few minutes later get out of bed and immediately go into light exercises while doing belly (nose) breathing. So things like arm circles, shoulder circles, neck nods, and core isometrics. These work to get the blood and oxygen flowing, and get my sleepy head working.

It can be an extra fun challenge due to the fact that I'm sleeping on a non-winterized deck. It's the only place I would be able to both sleep without being disturbed and not be in the middle of everything in the house. Like I said, it's a...cozy place. So not exactly a Normal Rockwell painting, but I'm making it work.

The reason I chose these particular days for the 8:30 AM wakeup is because those are the days I trade the Nasdaq market open, and I know it is something I can sustain for the 30 days. I'm already in a bit of weakened state, mentally and physically, and have lower quality sleep, so I need to pace myself, and allow more sleep the other weekdays.

Diet: I start the morning with some hot water and vinegar to try to "move things along" in the lower gi.

I've been struggling for over two years with indigestion partly due to a lot of inflammation in my body (from post-accident surgeries, joint imbalances, etc), so it consists every day of this:

Morning: smoothie made with organic salad greens mix, olive oil, Cacao powder, 3 raw eggs (I know, look at me eating luxury food), flax seed powder and/or soaked chia seeds, and some frozen fruit. Liquid base is straight up from a carton of bone broth. Yeah, I know I probably would get more benefit from slow-cooking it for awhile, but I don't know if I could allocate time for that right now. It's literally a game of "Do I want to take those extra steps to do that", since if I walk too much I then get ankle and shoulder pain.

Afternoon and Evening: Two to Three "Huel" meal replacement shakes, with a couple raw eggs thrown in there somewhere. Again, there's no doubt a better way to do this, but I just don't have the money to try to create a more beneficial diet and regiment right now. I am however, taking a probiotic and enzyme supplement regularly.

Lastly, I'm avoiding caffeine. Especially with my body being "stuck in repair mode" at this point, I can't afford to give it a short-term "energy hit" that's just going to hurt me longer-term. Gotta do this at least for these 30 days.

And that's about it. On weekends, I may have a pound of cooked ground turkey with some seasoning and lots of butter (that fat really helps my stomach break things down), and that's about it.

Exercise/Movement:

I Get up, move around, and get those muscle kinks out! Movement is life, especially for me! My bad leg (the one with drop-foot) tends to pull things outta wack, so I gotta do something to offset that. The most intense exercise I do at this point is core isometrics in the morning, and a full-body isometric squeeze at the end. I have too much inflammation and muscle imbalances to do anything like pushups, etc.

This video should give you an idea of what I do:

Mindfulness/breathing and grounding exercises. I combine "Vagus nerve" reset exercises, like this one

Ahem...nope, that's totally a missclick. Nope, I don't struggle with loneliness at all, and I'm totally not watching that later. ASMR is purely to help me wind down.

...nerve reset exercises, like this

with breathing exercises. Example: breath, count 1, breath, count 2, and so on until 5, then start over. Has helped me zone out and get into an "affirmation flow state". "I am an intellectual and artistic problem-solving genius." "My body and mind are a powerful unit." I don't pre-plan these things. Which I think is a positive sign that my mind is switching from "negative victim mentality mode" into "conquer the world in due time" mode. Take note, if you are REALLY struggling with being focused, present, grounded, (not to mention with trauma that's stuck in you, like me, from my crazy near-death accident), THIS WILL HELP YOU. I feel the effects within less than a minute of starting.

Daily Journaling: Self-explanatory. Has to be done before I get off my computer, and send to my accountability partner, Eissac. This majorly helps me "air the daily thought laundry" out.

Get off PC by or at 9:00 PM: Basically, I have to drop everything and be off the PC no later than 9:00 PM. If it's 9:01, I've failed, and I have to restart the challenge at day 1.

Avoid Caffeine: No black tea, no coffee, nothing with caffeine in it. My body is stuck in "repair mode" as it is, and (at the very least for these 30 days) I need to not take a "short-term energy hit" that will make me crash and feel bad later, not to mention make it harder for my body to calm down and heal itself. Note: caffeine never will give you actual energy. At the end of the day it is a stimulant, not a true energy source. It is quite the rabbit trail, but I would really suggest reading up on the great American sacred cow that is caffeine.

Avoid Porn: This beast needs to die once and for all. I've been good at staying away from it over the past month, but this needs to continue as part of who I am. And who I am is somebody who is strong, disciplined and capable. Porn just doesn't fit in my identity! And porn is one of THE biggest ways that our perception of reality and women get incredibly skewed, and that contributes to our lack of respect and true love towards them. Thank you Andrew Tate, I'm sure you really helped with that. Tell me, was getting rich off exploiting women and being a pretentious ass worth it? Ahem, sorry, I'll continue.

Nothing that I know is entertainment till 7:00 PM: So, no Twitch Streams, no non-educational videos (Watching things related to investing, trading, entrepreneurship and health is part of my "day job" right now, so that's excluded), no Facebook, no Discord Servers (save the trading one I'm in), and only educational or self-improvement podcasts. Right now, I'm mainly listening to the Daily Revolution Podcast

Yes, there is a reason he looks (and sounds) like The Rock. Hint: he's from the same part of the world, and also hits the gym pretty often. And does he also sing, you ask? I believe so, on occasion. Thankfully, I don't think You're welcome is anywhere in his repertoire.

His words give me the proverbial kick in the pants I need. Which goes along with my other "allowance": music. Even the kitchen isn't an escape from the TV, and I need positive things in my ears to keep me sane. The right music can really help get me through the day, and when the choice is either the stuff that's obnoxiously blasting from the TV, and uplifting music or podcasts, the choice is pretty obvious, I think.

I'll also be sending a screenshot with the habit tracker app to Eissac (my amazing accountability partner) each day:

and a screenshot of what apps I used on my phone(s) each day.

Don't have any way to really record my time on my PC, so I guess we're using the honor system. But, I'm not taking it easy on myself. If I slip up, I will NOT let it slide, I will start again, come "accidental TV watching", police officers, negative temperatures, or...shine.

Been struggling with chronic health conditions for some years now, ones that cause my body, digestion, energy, and brain to "redline" all too easily.

Now we come to why I'm starting over tomorrow...again. Walked by the TV, and accidentally watched a few moments. Doesn't matter if somebody else had it on. I still choose to watch it. Doesn't matter if I have to walk by it every day. Tunnel vision is the key. If I want to reach that light at the end of said tunnel, that TV just doesn't exist.

Been struggling with chronic health conditions for some years now, ones that cause my body, digestion, energy, and brain to "redline" all too easily.

But I'm not going to take it easy on myself with this #DRVN30 challenge. I've had to start over with the 30 days...twice now. This is the day of my second slip-up. Walked by the TV (that's going 24/7), and accidentally watched a few moments. Doesn't matter if somebody else has it on. I still chose to watch it. Doesn't matter if I have to walk by it every day. Tunnel vision is the key. If I want to reach that light at the end of said tunnel, that TV just doesn't exist.

To be honest, I'm proud of what I've managed the past couple of days. There's always this internal struggle between my negative self-talk, and the part of me that knows I'm greater than that. I know that if I can make it through this challenge during one of the most daunting parts of my life, it can and will prepare me for the future.

You see, during this time, not only am I in the midst of fighting against health conditions, but I've reached a bit of a crisis point in my life, and something has to give. These past few days have definitely tested my mettle, and my will to continue the fight.

Two nights ago, I sat cross-legged on that very bed behind me, talking to two uniformed officers about an eviction. I managed to (temporarily, at least) maneuver my way out of the situation without raising my voice or getting scared. All the same, it felt akin to threading the Grand Canyon in an F-16. No, I totally didn't steal that from Top Gun.

The next day, trading the market (or rather, watching it) was quite a rollercoaster, to say the least. I had some people basically cursing the day they starting trying to trade the Nasdaq.

In spite of the pressure I may have felt (especially considering last night's interesting incident), I just stayed out of the market. Far better to preserve capital by sitting on your hands. Once again, I think the grounding and mindfulness is really paying off here. I honestly think that overall not only am I becoming a more calm yet decisive person, I honestly think now more than ever the groundwork is being laid for my sibling and I to finally skip town and make a life for ourselves. The only reason this is happening is because we are working TOGETHER, as a TEAM. And just as important, we keep accounts short. There's been too much petty arguing and in fighting in this family, and I want to know that we at least have each other's back.

The night after the "uniformed officer incident"...I thought I had to make things even more interesting.

I'm sure you're dying to hear about how THAT went. Well, sorry, not today. Tomorrow I will have actual footage of me braving the Antarctic vortex that passed through, along with the ice cold shower I took in the dark. Yes, an actual "Overnight Challenge" that I really wasn't planning on doing.

Remember, winter doesn't last forever. The thaw WILL come, and you will see the end in due time! Yes, I was trying to draw an analogy between my life and the long winter. Appropriate, I think.

Thank you for reading to the end. I hope my ramblings actually helped you some.

You got this!

Bonus for reading this far. :)

Music I'm listening to today: Judah Earl. He has some truly beautiful, uplifting music that keeps me in a good headspace.

And if you haven't, PLEASE check out Eissac's blog: https://from-rock-bottom.tumblr.com. He has a very concise (still working on that myself) and insightful way of recording his own progress with the #DRVN30 challenge. I honestly aspire to be able to collect and record my thoughts more like him. I'm kinda all over the place.

[treadmilltreats]

You're never too old to learn a lesson

I have a friend of mine who is just a few years older than me, she went back to school after her kids were grown. She has a rocking body as she exercises every day, she even started yoga late in life and is now like gumby.

She left a verbally abusive marriage after thirty five years, while I was still in mine, she gave me hope, she was my hero!

I remember helping her move into her new apartment, she didn't have much but I never saw her look so happy. She was free, she was doing this on her terms...oh, how I wanted to be her. But some people don't learn the lessons God gives them and so they repeat them again and again, she was one of them.

She soon found another man, who was not just as bad as her ex husband,but worse. When I tried to explain to her, her self worth, that she deserved so much more, she didn't listen. I told her to look at all she has been through to get her to this point, why would she go backwards? Why would she be unhappy when she had just found happiness? Why would she go back into a relationship that made her feel horrible yet again?

She told me that she's too old, that she was afraid she would never find love again, that this is the way it was. That she couldn't go through being single  again, she said she didn't have the strength to break away this time, that she was afraid and so yet again she stayed.

I didn't know what to say...nothing I said made a difference. I swore if I ever got out of my situation I would never go back. I would take happiness alone than miserable with someone else again.

My philosophy is that you are never too old to learn a lesson, you are never too old to try something new or to change something.

I write this blog to inspire people, to show you that you have to change sometimes, that you must overcome the fear that keeps you stuck. You must want to learn, to try something new, you need to take control and say yes, I can do this! It is that either you change or you will stay stagnate and die.

I recently read the list of things people wished for on their deathbeds, the number one thing it spoke of was that people weren't present in their own lives!

That they wished they tried new things, to love more, they wished they weren't so afraid of change and did the things they truly wanted to do and made them happy. They wished they spent more time with their loved ones. They wished they were more involved in their kids lives, that they lived more, lived big.

Did they wish for more money? A bigger house? A horrible relationship? No, they all wished for change...change to be able to do it all again, differently. Wow, that says a lot doesn't it?

I remember one of my Bishop's sermons, it was that even if you went through a bad season, a bad job, a bad marriage, it was all for a reason, it was all for a lesson.

It was so that you will know the difference when a great job comes along, so that when you do meet a great man that you know the difference and appreciate what you now have.

I believe in change, I believe anything is possible. If through human eyes you see my dream of being a New York Times bestselling author and motivational speaker at this stage of my game, you might think I am out of my mind. I know that anything is possible.

I started my whole life over at forty eight, including a new career, a new life and a new home. It seemed crazy that I wanted to do a triathlon, at that age when I sucked at swimming and hated to run. 

Yes, it all looked crazy but I know you are never to old.

I knew that I have an unwavering, blind faith and that it was going to happen and guess what? It did! 

I even placed 3rd in my age group in my first triathlon and the other stuff? Oh yeah...it's coming...

There is no doubt in my mind that all these things and all the things that I can't even imagine will happen to me! Why you ask? Because I believe!

So today my friends, believe that you can do anything and you can do it  too. Don't settle, don't stay because you don't think you can get better or do better, you're never too old to learn the lessons. Your never too old to change and like I say at the end of every blog….

"Be the change you want to see"

 

"And just when the caterpillar thought his life over...he turned into a beautiful butterfly"

**Now released my latest book**

The Blessing in Disguise.... revealed

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***Now available***

My 1st book The blessing in Disguise 

Selling on my website:

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