#just saw the COLDEST takes in a news article about the war in you know where atm

[shaxxophone]

Do you ever just read something that is SUCH obvious propaganda that you need to lay your face against a flat surface for like five minutes?

[legatumrpg]

full name: greta catchlove

age: twenty-four

gender and pronouns: ciswoman and she/her/hers

blood status: muggleborn

occupation: pastry chef

affiliation: neutral

i n t r o d u c t i o n »

You struggled to fit in with the wizarding world. You always felt like you didn’t belong in this world, but the truth is, you didn’t belong in the Muggle world either. It has taken some time to find a place where you truly fit in and you still don’t know which world you fit in better. You are in your twenties, still figuring out who you are. And with the war brewing, one part of you hopes the circumstance shows your true colours, but the other part of you just wants to survive. But how can you fight a war, when the enemy seems almost impossible to identify.

b i o g r a p h y »

The night of Greta’s birth briefly set a record for coldest on record in the small town of Weston-super-Mare. She was born at home with only a midwife and her parents, Addison and Megan, in attendance. She was swaddled and placed in her mother’s arms; that night, the three of them keeping vigil in front of the fire, should have been the start of many evenings spent the same way. Tragically, only nine months after Greta’s birth, Megan was killed in an automobile accident. Growing up, her father was her world, moon, and stars. He owned a bookshop just off main street, and her earliest memories were of curling up in the children’s corner with her favorite picture books, visiting far off places and distant times. After starting primary school, she relished this ability even more; she found her classes boring and classmates boorish. Her afternoons and weekends were split between reading in the shop and cooking with her father. His ability to make his passion–the written word–his livelihood inspired her to do the same. After discovering her love of food at the age of three, she decided that she’d open her own restaurant someday and never looked back.

Besides books and her father, the other constant in her childhood was Septima. Beatriz and Addison had been childhood friends, and she was instrumental in helping him grieve after Megan’s death. He returned the favor when Septima’s father walked out seven years later. The two girls were inseparable from the start; their parents often remarked that they seemed to have their own language. Every day after primary school, they would walk down the block to Addison’s shop and spend their afternoons in the children’s nook. Magi and fantasy always had a special place in their hearts; when they were eight, they became obsessed with the Chronicles of Narnia and knocked on the back of every wardrobe they came across. Two years later, Lord of the Rings had its turn.

The summer she was eleven, Greta’s world was flipped upside down when Professor Dumbledore showed up at her door with the news she was a witch. Greta doesn’t remember much about the meeting itself, her memories lost to shock. She couldn’t imagine leaving her village, her dad, or Septima. Greta was numb after the wizard left, unable to process what she had been told. She sat on her front stoop and thought. That’s where she was when, an hour later, Septima came running around the corner to tell her the most amazing news.

Septima made finding out she was a witch worthwhile. Greta had survived eleven years without magic and didn’t see much merit in welcoming it into her life now. After all, she loved her familiar, quiet existence in the seaside village; why did things have to change? Having her best friend with her was the only way she’d agree to leave home for school. Being placed in different houses was a blow; another was learning that this world of spells and potions wasn’t so magical after all, and that some of its inhabitants treated her like a second-class citizen. She coped with the toxic rhetoric by throwing herself into her studies. For the first time in her young life, her classes actually challenged her. In primary school, she had often already learned what was being taught from the books that permeated her childhood.This wasn’t the case at Hogwarts and she thrived in the new environment. Much like the recipes she loves, magic simply takes following the instructions and executing steps well.

Socializing comes less naturally to Greta, although she enjoys getting to know people. Growing up in a small village where her father’s family had lived for generations, everyone knew everything about her before they met. She’d barely had to meet someone new in her whole life, and she was unpracticed. She saw the ability to practice one of the biggest positives of coming to Hogwarts. While not incredibly social–the result of her fairly isolated upbringing, her deep friendship with Septima, and her quiet, observant nature–that didn’t mean she disliked people. In her time at school, she had the opportunity to meet people from backgrounds entirely foreign to her. Hogwarts also provided endless opportunities for people-watching, something Greta cherishes about her post-university life in London.

After leaving Hogwarts, Greta had no idea what she wanted to do. While she had enjoyed much of her magical classes, she hadn’t found anything she could see herself doing for the rest of her life. However, the idea of returning to Weston-super-Mare no longer held much appeal for her. She decided to split the difference and enroll at the Le Cordon Bleu in London. It was a way to return to her muggle roots without completely leaving the world she had inhabited for the previous seven years. She didn’t want to entirely remove herself from the magical world, and she was hired as a pastry chef at the Leaky Cauldron after receiving her culinary diploma. It’s a job she loves in a place that she’s always felt an affinity with; like her, the pub has a foot in both muggle and magical worlds.

Always hardworking, Greta already has her eyes on the next goal. She is testing recipes and scouting locations for her own bakery in Diagon Alley. Ideally, she’d like to establish the business by the time she’s thirty.

c o n n e c t i o n s »

rita skeeter » Since they have started, you never miss a single article that they write in the Daily Prophet. You live for the drama though you never want to get involved in any of that yourself. There is a sense of admiration you have for them and maybe they will be up to giving you some writing tips down the road.

septima vector » You once asked your parents if they could adopt them but all you got was a laugh. They are far more than just a best friend to you. They know your flaws and you know their own. They are the person you apparate to at four in the morning, knowing very well that they are awake waiting for you. No one may understand the bond you have with the other and that is fine with you.

fabian prewett » In all honestly, you had thought they were their twin when you spent that night with them. It was a grave mistake that you have yet to get out of your mind. While you may want to make things right, you know that there was no going back from that. Instead, you find that the best way to solve the problem is to ignore it.

Greta Catchlove is played by MEDALION RAHIMI and is TAKEN

[inkling-hero]

Monoku Monologues, #001: Life and death

You may be wondering those of you watching or reading or however this event was recorded what unholy grandfather of all evil surrounding my area and body is and why i'm bleeding to death preparing the mother of all finishing moves, well I’ll start with this, my name is Riptide J. Monoku and i'm a hero born with a curse destined for something greater than myself. That living nightmare and physical form of malice and chaos before me eating away at my world and everything I’ve ever worked for is Luxxar, the embodiment of evil itself. I was born to kill him, created by fate to save all life as existence itself was crumbling to nothing, everything that has and ever will be rested in my hands as my tears blurred my vision.

 I had one final trick up my sleeve to save everyone, as the chaos and malice of Luxxars true demonic form swirled around my area and body,  the fate of the whole world no the fate of all life rested on my being, I knew that to win this final fight I had to make the ultimate sacrifice and break my promise...to him. I gave it one final push and looked at the embodiment of hatred and anger, "LUXXAR!" I shouted my right fist and arm being enveloped in ink, fire, ice and electricity, the last of my armor being destroyed by the increasing wind pressure from my body expelling it by flexing. "YOU HAVE TAINTED EXISTENCE WITH YOUR VERY BEING AND I RIPTIDE JUPITER MONOKU WILL BRING AN END TO THE SUFFERING YOU HAVE CAUSED ALL LIFE BY TAKING YOURS!" I screamed my scars glowing their brightest with my fiery red and white aura enveloping my own body. I could feel the hopes and dreams of all my friends, every one that I’ve ever encountered cheering me on praying for my safety as I  jumped and said my final words to expel the world ending demon lord. "TRUE" my eyes were as full of water as a river my body and will power giving it beyond 100% "INKFERNITE" the memory of my father telling me that I was destined for something grand washed into my mind as i said my final word "PUNCH!" I gave it 1000% of my max might letting the world see what a hero had to do to save the world but i'm getting too far ahead of myself, and yes I know what a dick move to just end that amazing visual, I gamble that you’re on the edge of whatever you’re sitting on just dying to know what happened as soon I landed that punch, you’ll learn about it soon enough, for now let's start from the beginning, my beginning as the greatest hero Inkopolis has ever known.

 It all started a little over 18 years ago on May 7th, the day I was born along with my younger brother Fiery, I was born with a terminal illness, I had clear colorless tentacles and my eyes were as red as blood. The doctors did all they could to see if I could be corrected but nothing could fix me, my parents would have been devastated that is if they were normal inklings but they weren’t at all they knew from that day I had to be protected at all costs, for I had what my family calls ‘Makos blessing.’ I won’t get into the details what I will tell you guys however is how much time and effort was spent into ensuring my safety.

 Now my dad King Cross Monoku was the leader of a small tribe hidden in the mountains far away from Inkopolis, and I know what you're thinking ��sweet cod you're royalty!? You're a prince!? Why are you a fighter then!?’ to answer whomever asks yes, yes, and tone it down a bit i'll get to that soon enough. Now my father Cross, my mother Fiora and the rest of the village were always watching over me. It didn't matter if it was 3 am in the morning on the coldest day of winter, the royal guards; (who were very nice I might add) those guys and many others constantly took shifts making sure I couldn't get hurt.  I was always feed food softer than memory foam. It took two hours at least to bathe me because and I quote my late mother “The sponge could scratch you and you can die.” I mean would that really kill me, probably not.

 Fast forward to when I turned seven, my twin Fiery was already walking, running, speaking and dreaming of growing up in Inkopolis, he said that he’d one day be an elite inkling just like in the articles and stories he read every night. Hearing him dream so highly wanting to become a worthy turf war champion, it inspired me to help him achieve that goal no matter what the cost, even though deep down I knew I couldn’t help him with my illness. I was allowed to watch my brother however, train and practice turf battles, he wasn’t really good at it at first but it didn’t stop him from trying his best. I always cheered him on and it was pretty fun viewing his progress but a part of me felt hurt, because I knew I couldn’t ever get to experience that joy.

 A month or so had passed since my twin started practicing his turf war skills and I endured yet another physical, still my condition was as bad as ever, I felt sorrow course through me, tears filling my vision. All I could do was pray for so that I too could one day lead a normal life like Fiery, fate however had something else in store for me. I was one day watching Fiery try to perform a backflip from my little protection bubble, my guards taking a quick tea break and the second the two of us were left alone, the second everything changed.

 We both heard a monstrous cry and my brother Fiery was nearly stabbed by an odd black shadowy figure, had it not been for my guards that rushed in to save him, it was very mighty indeed shattering their weapons and taking their lives. It’s still a bit fuzzy in my mind but seeing that thing kill my guardians, my companions, the two people that had watched over me as a child when my parents could not, it infuriated me. That thing aimed for my brother next since it flew past me with a rapid lunge and I saw the terror and fear swell in his eyes, and that’s when it happened. It was like a flame had been ignited and jump started my body, I broke out of my bubble and clenched my fist tightly it felt hotter than the sun itself  quickly turned around, facing its sharp fangs and claws and punched it dead on in its gut. For the first time in my life I knew what it meant to be strong to know rage and hatred, my fury didn’t end there, each punch that was thrown at that thing made it cry out in anguish. Fiery couldn’t believe the sight that I Riptide the most fragile inkling on earth, risked my life to save his. “MY BROTHER HAS A DREAM AND I’LL GO TO ANY LENGTHS TO MAKE SURE IT COME TRUE!” I roared with all my might, I clenched my fist tightly and ink surrounded it having a red and pink glow lash over it. I let that bastard thing have it directly smashing it in its face before it yelled in agony exploding into smoke and steam, my father barely rushing in to see me yell at the top of my lungs having its blood stain my ripped clothes and body.

 Turns out it was a shadow beast my father claimed, very rare and dangerous, he was ecstatic to see his own son beat one to death, and as a child to no less…yeah not really a normal thing to be proud of heheh, but the point was that my body had suffered a few injuries I was bleeding, but alive, by the miracle of all miracles, I was alive, I had color all over my body, a nice shade of magenta mixed with red and pink. During the aftermath of the attack I immediately went to the doctors, after hours and hours of examination, it was concluded that my body was no longer vulnerable to any hits, I was finally free of the risk of losing my life to a simple toe stubbing on the coffee table, (yeesh what a way to go huh? Ohhh nooo my son died due to stubbing his toe, cod i’d never hear the end of it from the villagers beyond the grave.)

 My father Cross and my mother Fiora, decided that I could train under their wing now, to be a hero to defend and protect those who can’t protect themselves. Years passed, both mind and body were sharped, heightened to a higher peak than I ever thought possible. I learned and excelled at using my family's Ink manipulation arts, I trained day and night having my own dreams now, to become the greatest hero in history and make my family proud. On that fateful day now 11 years ago, I created my dream, and that's how I started to become the greatest hero in Inkopolis.

Finally after so much preparation here it is, the first chapter of Monoku Monologues, learn how Riptide became the greatest hero of the city and quite possibly the world! Once a week or two I’ll be releasing a new chapter, so get ready to explore the inner workings and mind set of the great legend himself!

//BONUS: IF THIS GETS 5 NOTES BY TOMORROW MORNING ILL RELEASE THE SKETCH I MADE FOR RIPTIDE FACING OFF AGAINST LUXXAR//

[d2kvirus]

Dickheads of the Month: January 2020

As it seems that there are people who say or do things that are remarkably dickheaded yet somehow people try to make excuses for them or pretend it never happened, here is a collection of some of the dickheaded actions we saw in the month of January 2020 to make sure that they are never forgotten. 

Congratulations to Donald Trump for graduating from the “And finally...” spot by deciding the best course of action available to him was deciding to kill Iranian general Qasem Soleimani  with an air strike without actually bothering to inform any of his supposed allies about his plans first, but of course he did this for perfectly legitimate reasons and not some lies he pulled out of his backside that make a tweet he posted in 2011 incredibly relevant

...and while this was happening proven liar Boris Johnson couldn’t be bothered to cut short his holiday on Mustique, instead preferring to bury his head in the sand of a tropical island...sort of like how he legged it out of the country during the London riots when he was Mayor of London 

...which culminated with Iain Duncan Smith saying that Soleimani deserved to die as he was a nasty man responsible for the deaths and suffering of thousands, inadvertently justifying his own assassination due to causing death and suffering of thousands as a result of being the architect of Universal Credit

Of course the Daily Mail and The Sun went completely mental when Prince Harry and Meghan Markle announced they were stepping back from their duties, because after two years of dogwhistling about Meghan  there was no way they were going to pass up an opportunity to jump on her now

...and of course, it wasn’t long before Piers Moron Morgan relished in being the cheerleader for all the indignant rage being hurled at one half of The Sussexes by the dogwhislting morons, and of course I’m not referring to Prince Harry

...but it's okay, because smirking halfwit Priti Patel says there is nothing racist about the coverage given to Meghan Markle.  It’s a pity she didn’t say she had “niggling doubts” about the racial undertones

...and soon afterwards Laurence Fox was not only saying there was absolutely no racist undertones at all when appearing on Question Time, but also breaking out the favourite chestnut of the harrumphing set by saying he is actually the victim because a non-white woman accused him of having white privilege, somehow failing to notice he was on the panel while the non-white woman was sat in the audience and expected to listen to his tripe

It didn’t take long for proven liar Boris Johnson to get the year’s gaslighting under way when he said in his new year’s message that he wanted to heal divisions in the country...two weeks after saying the terms “Leaver” and “Remainer” should be replaced with “winner” and “loser” 

Sadly nobody explained to the littlest of Little Englanders that the UK did not leave the EU on 31st January, instead they entered a transition period where they remain a part of the EU for the remainder of the year where they have less say about EU policy than at any point since 1975, but that’s not important because they were told that was the date we were leaving so that’s the date they could act like obnoxious morons at best, ignorant twats at worst

As if Sajid Javid looking uncannily like Gollum holding the One Ring whilst holding the Britait 50p piece (that’s the second one, the original was binned off when the UK didn't leave on 31st October 2019 like proven liar Boris Johnson promised we would) wasn’t low enough, he soon followed that up by saying that those election pledges about ending austerity wouldn’t be happening

It’s expected that the British media have become either Orwellian or incredibly childish at this point, best demonstrated by how the Tories stripping Northern Rail of their franchise was called “a bold move” and “long overdue” yet when Jeremy Corbyn stated he would do the exact same thing it was “communism” and “state interference” - and a few days later they called Jeremy Corbyn “weak” for calling for restraint after Trump decided to launch strikes on Iran, yet when Dominic Raab said the same thing it was “statesmanlike” 

As irritating and self-defeating as Extinction Rebellion manage to be, their being listed by smirking halfwit Priti Patel as a terrorist group because they...make people late for work sometimes not only comes across as a ploy to tell the lower orders that protesting is a crime but also like a move engineered to pander to the ignorant foghorns who deny there’s a climate emergency and just so happen to also vote Tory

As if Jess Phillips hadn’t made herself look uncannily like somebody who never speaks to members of the public but is happy to mouth off to journalists during her shambolic performance at the Labour leader hustings, she then went scuttling off to the press to say that all men should drop out of the leadership race...the one which is currently being led by Rebecca Long-Bailey, so even if all the male candidates did drop out she still wouldn't win

Frontline soldier of the war in his own mind Mark Francois continued his bid to be legally classified as a foghorn by continuing his insane demand that Big Ben ring out on January 31st to mark Britait.  The worrying thing is that, when it was pointed out that renovations on the clock tower won’t be completed until several months after that date, this led to The Daily Express howling that we should ignore the experts and it should ring loudly even if it costs an extra £500,000 to get it ready ahead of schedule...and a day later, after being widely lampooned for such blusterific nonsense, they claimed it was some kind of Remainer plot and not, say, them being as unrealistic as they were foolish

It took barely a day before Laurence Fox reinvented himself as someone who complains about anything involving women, ethnic minorities or the left-wing off the back of his Question Time appearance (and I'm sure the timing is purely a coincidence...) and soon he was frothing at the mouth about 1917 depicting Sikh soldiers as a sop of political correctness...which is news to the million Indian troops who fought in the First World War, which contrary to Fox’s opinion wasn’t solely fought by public schoolboys with pipes in their mouths shouting “Tally ho!” when showing the Bosch who was in charge

It should be an easy layup for Keir Starmer to become next Labour leader, but he made one hell of a misstep when bringing in Matt Pound to run his campaign considering Pound’s role as leader of Labour First and the various tweets about him wishing to purge any left wing supporters from the party 

According to the Church of England the only people permitted to have sex are married heterosexual couples, so not only are they sounding like those literal hate preachers from Nigeria who dub homosexuality a sin, but deciding that heterosexuals who have sex before marriage are also going to hell.  So quick question...just how few people are actually in heaven these days?

...yet somehow Paula White managed to top that in terms of religious sociopathy by calling for the miscarriage of all “satanic pregnancies” - which was apparently taken out of context and was actually quoting a Bible verse that makes no mention of miscarriages or “satanic pregnancies” whatsoever

Nobody was surprised that Arsen Ostrovsky and David Collier watched Prince Charles’ trip to Palestine and meeting with Mahmoud Abbas and responded in the exact way that everyone expected, howling that the entire British system is inherently antisemitic and WHY WON’T ANYONE OUTSIDE OF OUR ECHO CHAMBER LISTEN TO US????????????????

...and a week later Arsen Ostrovsky was at it again, jumping on Jeremy Corbyn on Holocaust Memorial Day after Corbyn said that the Holocaust, antisemitism and Nazism should never happen again, which definitely didn’t make him look obsessed or sound demented in doing so...

Not only did Julia Halfwit Hartley-Brewer think that using The Soup Dragons’ I’m Free as a tacky anthem for leaving the EU trolling Remain voters, but when she was refused permission to do so her response was to sic her followers on them like a bunch of moronic bloodhounds

Pillar of journalistic competence Fiona Bruce demonstrated her credentials by referring to Qasem Soleimani as an Iraqi general, meaning that either she or the person operating the autocue are unqualified for the job of informing, educating or entertaining the public - and of course there was no correction as the BBC cannot be questioned, as they never make mistakes...unless they’re doctoring footage so Boris Johnson doesn’t look politically and socially inept, of course

The award for coldest take of the month goes to Jonathan Freedland for his Guardian article saying that, without the BBC, Britain would exist in “a post-truth dystopia.”  You know, the same BBC that doctored footage of proven liar Boris Johnson so that the lower orders wouldn’t think he was politically or socially inept on two occasions last November, and it’s not as if that’s a new tactic given they deliberately misrepresented events at the Battle of Orgreave by switching around the order of footage back in (ironically enough) 1984

The Y2K bug came late for 2K Sports as it emerged that all online modes for the humiliation conga line that is WWE 2K20 was literally unplayable from the second the clocks hit midnight and people were singing Auld Lang Syne

In trying to gain support Tessa Blanchard tweeted out that all female wrestlers should stick together.  A noble sentiment...if the response wasn't numerous female wrestlers responding by highlighting the remarkably shitty behaviour Blanchard has shown backstage for years, which Blanchard responded to by issuing a statement denying she used a racial slur - but made no reference whatsoever to the numerous accusations of bullying

Sticking with wrestling, somebody should have told Charlotte Flair that when talking about her reckless handling of a clearly concussed Kairi Sane that saw her stick to the script and execute spots any sensible person would realise you shouldn’t perform on an obviously concussed opponent, her defence came down to her saying that the match was good so it was all fine so don't complain

So the latest directive from the BBC for their revival of The Jeremy Kyle Show which they insist on calling Question Time is that, in order to reflect the views of Britain, if an episode is recorded in a Labour seat they will bus in an audience of Tory voters to accurately represent the country in a manner that’s telling the people of that non-Tory constituency that they’re wrong, which definitely doesn’t come across as remotely sinister at all...

This month it was Meat Loaf who decided to get insanely triggered by the existence of Greta Thunberg while also pretending that climate change isn’t a thing and it’s a pure coincidence that 2019 was the hottest year in decades for several countries

Oh joy, somebody thought letting Ricky Gervais host the Golden Globes was a bright idea, meaning those watching had to endure him being a sneering cunt who didn't have the balls to be within 20ft of the stage on any occasion where anyone might want to tell him to fuck off back to blocking people on Twitter for the crime of suggesting he isn't a comedic genius

After the Dexit controversy Nintendo and Game Freak came up with the perfect solution for people displeased at countless Pokemon not featuring in Pokemon Sword and Shield - by releasing two DLC packs that, between them, cost more than the base game and just so happen to have all the Pokemon not in the original game.  How convenient...

Of course CD Projekt Red needed to get ahead of the story when announcing that Cyberpunk 2077 would be delayed from its original April release date to September.  What they shouldn't have done is say that those five months will be a perpetual state of Crunch and act as if that was somehow acceptable after well over a year’s worth of horror stories about perpetual Crunch at studios such as Telltale Games, Bioware or Rockstar Games

There was an outbreak of “yikes” at the BBC when their piece about the death of Kobe Bryant featured footage of LeBron James, which was a pretty difficult mistake to make given it said JAMES on the back of the jersey of the player they were showing footage of

Right on cue the professionally triggered were creating en masse because Warburtons had a loaf of bread advertised as being vegan, kosher and halal...or “bread” as sensible people call it

Shovelware jockeys Digital Homicide graced the world with their presence once more by rebranding themselves “Digital Homicide Uncensored”, a rebrand which mainly involves Robert Romine posting blogs whining about how the big, bad Jim Sterling had their spurious lawsuit against him dismissed with prejudice because James & Robert Romine are a bunch of thin-skinned twerps with a persecution complex who thought they could weaponise the law to try and make an example out of him...and tanked their company hard in the process

Can somebody tell Jeremy Paxman that, if he is going to continue presenting University Challenge, he needs to understand that the number 2000 is pronounced “two thousand” as he repeatedly referred to years between 2001-9 as “twenty-oh-six” when hosting, and that level of numerical ignorance takes time and effort

In a bid to revive the phrase “LOLTNA” Impact Wrestling managed to get themselves banned from Twitch by running a segment which essentially violated every last one of Twitch’s policies, which takes either a remarkable amount of stupidity or a somebody having a remarkably high opinion of how clever they are to make happen

Returning to his customary place is Donald Trump for continuing to petulantly scream that there’s no such thing as climate change and everything’s fine, deciding that the phrase “prophets of doom” means the exact same thing as “people who have a better understanding of a subject than I do who don’t agree with me”