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fanofnightz · 5 years ago

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Booze (Part 5)

Nikki Sixx x Reader

Summary: You are the lead singer of the opening act of Mötley Crüe and your band has been touring with them for about two months now. After a show, you have an argument with your mum and find yourself drinking with Nikki on the roof of your hotel which leads to you telling him about your demons. As you wake up on the next day, you ask Nikki to keep quiet about what has happened, regretting that you have told him so much about yourself. After the next show, you start to flirt with Vince to forget about Nikki, but the bass player gets jealous and you end up making out with him and heading to his hotel room, where you experience a hot night. After it, Nikki asks you to stay, but you get scared and leave while he is still asleep. The next day, you desperately try to avoid Nikki. That evening, he follows you while you leave from a party to get new booze and confronts you with his true feelings about you. You turn him down, knowing that a realationship wouldn't be good for both of you. Nikki understands, but wants you to at least be with him for the night, so you end up in his bed again.

Words: about 7900

Warnings: coursing, angst, drinking, drug use, fluff, mentions of smut

Note: Oh wow, I've never laughed AND cried while writing a chapter but I guess there's always a first time. Anyway, enjoy this part of Booze, it's a rollercoaster of emotions.

Taglist: @bandzrus @mrs-bucky-wintersoldier-barnes @swoopygorl @oh-well1 @anxious-diabetic @sharon6713 @pfft-halsey @freddiessmallnipples @crazysaladchopshop @motleycrueee @ikbenplant @waywardprincess666 @fandomshit6000 @unknownoblivion @stella20131991 (I'm so sorry that Tumblr won't let me tag some of you! It sucks!)

The following week, there wasn't a night that you didn't spend with Nikki, tangled up in the sheets of his bed. During the days, you avoided each other as much as possible, but after the shows, when the adrenalin had kicked in and both of you were drunk and a little high, the tension just got too much. You ended up making out in empty rooms and hidden corners, wary of the fact that nobody was allowed to see you like that.

After that, you headed to Nikki's room and Nikki made love to you in the sweetest ways possible. He held you closer than you ever knew someone was able to hold you and kissed you as if it was the last time because he never knew if he would get to kiss you like this ever again. He took his time while his hands carassed your body and remembered ever inch of it. While you were with him, there always was this special sparkle in his eyes, making you feel like you were the only woman he wanted to be with.

He loved you in such a tender way that you sometimes allowed yourself to get lost in his touch. And in these few moments, you forgot about all the problems and the issues and you were able to imagine a world in which Nikki and you were nothing more than two people who fell in love. Two people who actually had a future together.

After that, when both of you had given each other everything you were able to give, you always left Nikki's room immediately. He never asked you to stay and he never said a word about the feelings he had towards you and you were thankful that he did so. You already felt bad enough for torturing him like this and you didn't have the power to turn him down again.

You knew that it would've been better for both of you if you didn't hook up every night. And you knew that it got worse with every day that passed. But you were way too selfish to let Nikki go completely and maybe he was too.

Even if you didn't really want to admit it - you needed Nikki and his love. You needed him close to you and you needed everything he wanted to give to you. But everytime this realisation hit you, you pushed it as far away from you as possible. You didn't want to accept that you slowly fell for the black haired bass player.

On one of your rare free days, you were sitting in a tiny recording studio in Cleveland, messing with the guitar in your lap and thinking of the night before instead of putting all of your attention towards the song you were working on. The song you had written just a few hours before Nikki had told you that you were more to him than just a hook-up.

Nikki had loved you for four hours straight, but most of the time, he had just held you in his arms, playing with your hair and placing gentle kisses on your cheek, your neck and your shoulder. As you had left, the early sunlight had already made it's way through the thick white curtains and on your way back to your hotel room, you had almost bumped into Vince, who had been on the way to his room as way. He had just looked at you with tired eyes and messy hair, the smell of sex still on his body and he had smirked at you with a knowing sparkle in his eyes. You still were grateful that he hadn't made a big deal out of it.

Brian started to play a loud drum solo and you got pulled back into reality. You hated yourself for the fact that you were so zoned out lately. This song was so important to you and now you didn't manage to work on it properly because the main thing on your mind was Nikki fucking Sixx.

It was almost a little silly: with the new song, the tour, the problems with your mother and the article that had followed (and that some asshole had asked you about at least ten times in an interview that you had done three days ago) you had enough stuff to be worried about. Still, Nikki and your complicaded relationship was the only thing that kept you up at night and that distracted you from your work.

Of course, the others had recognized it too. They had recognized that you were deep in your thoughts a lot lately and that you left way too early when you were partying (thank god, they hadn't recognized that Nikki always left at the same time as you did) but they probably thought that the issues with your mother and the fact that everyone knew about it now were the only reason for you to be like this.

"What if we speed up the bridge a little so you can make the next verse a little longer?", Dan asked you and sat down next to you on an old gray couch.

You stopped playing the guitar and looked at him, trying to understand what he just had said. It took you a few seconds, but then it clicked and you nodded in agreement. "Yeah, sounds good."

Dan furrowed his brows a little and took a sip out of the bottle of Jack Daniels that stood on a table in front of you. "You're so zoned out lately.", he said, still looking at you as if he was trying to figure something out, "It's like half of you isn't really here. As if you want to be somewhere else."

"I'm fine, don't worry.", you answered a little too fast and started to play the melody of the new song on your guitar again.

"I've got this weird feeling that it isn't just the article about you and your mum. It's something else.", Dan continued talking as if he hadn't heard what you had said.

You stopped playing and started to tense up a little. "I said I'm fine.", you hissed and it sounded a lot more rude than you had wanted it to be. "Don't worry."

"You know that you can talk to us, right?", Dan now asked with a soft voice and you took a deep breath and smiled a fake smile at him.

"I know.", you nodded, "I trust you." And that wasn't even a lie. You trusted your bandmates more than anyone else. But there were things you weren't able to talk about and Nikki was one of these things.

It seemed like Dan wanted to say something, but you started talking again before he was able to open his mouth. "I think we're almost finished with the instumental part.", you said, changing the subject, "If everything goes well, then we can record the vocal part on our next free day."

Luckily, your next free day was in four days already. You hated recording a new song when you were on tour and having to take a break from it for several days because your tight schedule didn't allow lots of days off.

Dan just nodded and stood up again to leave you alone with your guitar and your thoughts. Of course, they immediately went back to Nikki. How long would you be able to play this ruthless game until both of you broke apart because of it?

It was late in the evening as you got back to your hotel. You and the boys had managed to get in the same taxi, so all of you arrived in the hotel lobby together.

You were in a good mood, the recording of the instrumental part of the new song was finished and it sounded awesome. Still, you were tired from working in the studio for about ten hours straight.

You wanted nothing more than taking a shower and going to bed and the boys were planning on doing the same thing, but then the receptionist called you as the four of you walked by his desk.

"I've got a message for White Riot from Tommy Lee of Mötley Crüe.", the blond man in the black uniform informed you and handed Brian a messily folded piece of paper. The name of your band was skribbled on top of it in big letters.

Brian folded it apart and his eyes skimmed over it for a few seconds. Then a huge smile appeared on his face.

"It's mud wrestle night at the Diamond Men's!", he called out and suddenly, all tiredness disappeared out of the eyes of your bandmates. "The other's are there already and they're waiting for us! The first round of drinks is on them!"

It was crazy how alive the boys were all of a sudden. The question if they would be going to the club wasn't needed at all. You just rolled your eyes in amusement and smiled.

"You're coming with us, right?", Chris turned to you, running a hand through his long hair. Just two weeks ago, this question would've been silly. You would've been the first one to enter the club, ready for drinking and partying until the next morning. But now, after the last few days in which you had been so weirdly different, your bandmates didn't know what they had to expect from you.

"Of course!", you answered, not only because you didn't want them to be worried about you, but also because you really wanted to go. The fact that Nikki was there was one of the main reasons, but you didn't want to think much about that.

Even though you had wanted to do it just a minute ago, showering and going to bed wasn't even an option now. To prove that you still were the same person you had always been, you turned around and went back to the big door that you had walked through before. Your fast steps were to be heard in the whole lobby because of your heavy boots on the wooden floor.

"C'mon then, boys!", you shouted with a look back on your bandmates, "I want to get my free drink as fast as possible!"

Before you looked away, you spotted the smile that had appeared on the lips of all of them. They were more than just a little relieved that you seemed to be your well-known, party-loving self again. You realized that the last one and a half weeks must've been hard for your bandmates because they had been in a constant worry about you. So you decided to be like your normal self tonight, even if you didn't feel like it at all.

Tonight, you would push away every thought of Nikki and your mum and everything else and you would party until the sun came up again. With a little help of some booze and coke, you thought, this can't be impossible.

The big neon sign in front of the club was shining in a bright pink as you got out of the cab. It blinded you a little, so you narrowed your eyes, but the big smile on your lips didn't fade away. Tonight: mud wrestling, you read on a tinier sign that was right underneath the big sign.

Your bandmates got out of the cab as well and Brian gave a few dollar bills to the driver, who seemed to be really annoyed. Of course he was - it wasn't easy to drive your band around.

After you took a few fast steps, you reached the entrace door to the strip club that was painted black with the white silouettes of some girls on it.

Then you pushed the door open and stepped inside the big smoky room. The light was dimmed and coloured in a dark pink, coming from lots of little headlight that were placed all over the ceiling. All over the room, there were tables with long tablecloths on them and you immediately figured that some of the men on the tables didn't have the cloths covering their laps because they had spilled their drinks. In between the tables, there were little round platforms with poles in the middle of them, each of them with a girl dancing on it. In the back of the room (usually, there was a big stage) were three flat pools, each of them filled with mud in wich two girls were fighting and trying to steal the bra of their rival.

On a big table, right in the front of the pools, you spotted Mötley Crüe. They clearly were drunk and on drugs - their laughters and dirty jokes were to be heard all over the room, even though loud music was coming from big speakers in each corner of the room. At the moment, Hot For Teacher by Van Halen was playing.

You and your bandmates started walking up to the other band and you tried to ignore the dirty looks the men that were sitting on the tables that you walked by were shooting in your direction. By now, you had gotten used to it. No matter what strip club you entered, you always had some eyes on you because of the fact that you were one of the few women in the club that weren't dancing.

As you and the boys got closer to the long table Mötley Crüe was sitting on, Tommy recognized you and a big smile appeared on his lips. "Guys!", he shouted, his voice already rhaspy from all the alcohol that had passed his lips, "Look who finally joins us!"

The other members of Mötley Crüe turned their heads now as well and you greeted all of them with a wide smile, trying to ignore that Nikki looked at you in a far more intense way than his bandmates. "Hi boys", you winked and sat down on one of the four chairs on the table that still were free, "I've heard that my first drink is on you."

Tommy, who was sitting next to you, laughed and put his arm up to wave a waitress over. A brunette girl that was wearing shorts that just covered half of her butt and a pink bra came over to the table and Tommy smiled at her while checking her out.

"Could you please bring us another round of Whisky? For eight people, this time.", he ordered your drinks and licked his lips while she nodded and left to get the liquor.

Brian, who had sat down in front of you, had a smutty grin on his lips and his eyes were glued to the girls that were fighting in the muddy pool. "Damn, I love this club!", he mumbled, "These girls are hotter than hell!"

Mick, who was sitting next to him and in front of Tommy, rolled his eyes and took a sip of his Whisky. Nobody really noticed, but you saw him pulling a face as he moved his arm to put down the bottle again. In the last few days, the pain in his back had gotten even worse. He must had seen that you were a little concerned about him because now, he looked at you with a warning glare.

You looked away really quick and your eyes met Nikki's, who was sitting next to the guitarist. A soft smile formed on his lips and you smiled back but looked down on the table after a second. Then you turned to Tommy.

"When did you get here?", you asked and tried to ignore that his lap was covered by the tablecloth. If you would've moved your foot just a little, you could've kicked the girl that was sucking him off at the moment. But you didn't do it because first, it was rude, second, she just wanted to make some money and third, you liked Tommy and wanted him to have fun.

"About an hour ago.", the drummer replied, "We wanted to wait for you at the hotel but then we left because we didn't know when you would come back."

"Yeah.", you nodded, "we've been in the studio for about ten hours before we finally got back to the hotel."

"How is it going?", Tommy asked and you were impressed by the way he managed to keep a conversation going even though some chick was sucking his dick at the same time.

"Really good!", you smiled, "We're finished with the instrumental part and next time, we'll record my vocals."

"Hey, maybe you could do a song with Vince one day!", Tommy suggested and turned to his right to talk to Vince, who's eyes were glued to the strippers in front of him. One of them had managed to take her rivals bra off. "Vinnie! What do you think? A song featuring you and Y/N?"

Vince slowly turned around to you and Tommy and emptied his drink. "The fans would love it.", he nodded and smiled at you.

"But don't get handsy when you're in the recording booth together!", Tommy laughed and winked. Immediately, you saw Nikki turning his head and shooting death stares at Tommy and Vince.

"Don't worry.", Vince shook his head, "I won't touch her." While talking, he had turned to face Nikki and by the way Nikki looked at Vince now, you recognized that Nikki had realized that Vince knew that something was going on between the bassist and you. Then Nikki gave Vince a light nod that no one but Vince and you seemed to see.

The waitress came back with your drinks and Tommy shoved a few bills in her pocket. She wanted to leave but you stopped her and with a gentle smile, you gave her another bill. She smiled at you, told you a honest Thank You and left. Before White Riot had taken off, you had been a waitress in several restaurants and clubs as well, so you knew how hard this job was. And it was even harder in a strip club, where most men didn't keep their hands to themselves. You had managed to serve drink in a stip club for a week, then it had gotten too much and you had quitted the job. You had a lot of respect for the girls who managed to do this job for months and years.

You grabbed your drink and held it up. "Cheers!", you said loudly and took a few big sips. The Whisky made its way down your throat and left a warm and burning feeling in your body. "Now the party can start!", you laughed.

And it did. In the next few hours, you drowned every kind of liquor that got in your way. Not because you were sad or angry - just because you really started to have fun after some time (and after your first line of cocaine). You laughed and joked along with the boys, slowly finding your way back to the woman you had been before your mother had visited you in New York.

By the time the clock hit 2, you were so drunk that everything was turning, but not drunk enough to lose control over yourself. You were sitting on a chair near the mud pools, heavily breathing and practically glowing because until a minute ago, you had danced on top of the table, along with Tommy, Vince, Chris and Brian. Dan had excused himself around one o'clock and had left with one of the waitresses. Mick and Nikki were still there too, but they hadn't danced with you. Mick because of his back and Nikki because... well, you didn't know why but while you had danced on the table, Nikki had sat next to Mick and had glared at you as if he had wanted to rip your clothes off right there on the spot.

Talking about Nikki - a stripper made her way up to him at the moment, smiling at him seductively. You couldn't help but feeling the urge to push her away from him.

But it seemed like you didn't even need to do that because after a minute of her approaching him, he shook his head violently and she turned around and left. Then Nikki turned his head to look in your direction and you quickly looked away.

After a few seconds, you dared to look back at him and let out a sigh of relief as you saw that he wasn't looking at you anymore. But Mick was, in fact, looking at you.

Your heart started to beat faster as the guitarist got up from his chair and walked up to you. He knows!, you thought in panic and for a moment, you played with the thought of just running away. But you stayed right where you were and just shyly smiled at Mick as he sat down next to you.

"Ok listen up", he sighed, "I don't know what is going on between you and Nikki but you have to end it now."

"I don't know what you're talking about.", you tried to lie but Mick didn't believe you and gave you his best Are-you-serious-face.

"Don't lie to me, Y/N.", he said and you bit your lips, "Maybe these other idiots don't see it but I do see it really well! How long did you think nobody would notice the way you act around each other? Or the fact that you always leave at the same time?"

"I don't know.", you mumbled, "I don't know what to do! I already tried to stop it!"

"I don't want to know what you did and what happened. It's not my business. But I do know that Nikki is really zoned out lately. Usually, I don't care about stuff like this, but now it affects our work! Last night on stage, he either missed his parts or played the wrong stuff!", Mick told you and all the bad feeling that you had managed to surpress during the last few hours came back to you.

"I've recognized it too.", you admitted, "I'm trying to fix it but it's... complicated."

"There's nothing complicated about it when you look at it from another perspective.", Mick shook his head, "You either end it completely and stop getting his hopes up or you finally get over whatever it is that keeps you from being his girlfriend and finally confess your undying love to him or whatsoever."

You sighed and nodded. You knew that you had to end it. But a big part of you didn't want to and it scared the shit out of you.

Mick nodded too and got up again to walk back to his seat next to Nikki, who had watched you talking to Mick from afar.

You emptied the beer in your hand and closed your eyes for a moment. You needed something to make you forget about what Mick had said and you needed it as soon as possible.

A few minutes later, you watched two strippers leave the pool that was the closest to you. Two new girl would come out of the dressing rooms in five to ten minutes, until then, the muddy pool was empty. And as you sat there and looked at it, an idea crept into your mind and a devilish smile appeared on your lips.

"Boys!", you shouted and stood up from your chair, running a hand through your hair that was wet from sweat. The others, who just had snorted some lines of coke, all looked at you, waiting for what you were up to next. They had recognized that sound in your voice that was only there when you had gotten an idea that was rather dumb or crazy or the best idea ever. Sometimes, it was all three.

"The pool is empty.", you told them and pointed at said pool. It needed nothing more than these few words and the sparkle in your eyes. All of them understood what you wanted to do.

Brian was the first one to get up from his chair, a boyish grin on his lips. Tommy followed shortly after. Then Chris, Vince and Nikki stood up too. Only Mick stayed where he was and in that moment, you hated his disease more than anything else.

As if someone had given you a sign, all of you started to run to the pool in the exact same second, jumping into the mud while you were fully clothed in boots, leather pants and t-shirts or tank tops. The only exception was Tommy. He had kind of lost his shirt within the last hour.

You laughed and tried to put Chris in a headlock, but he was way taller and stronger than you, so he just picked you up from the ground and threw you into the mud. Next you knew was that Tommy kept pushing you down while Brian covered your whole body with mud until there wasn't a spot on you that wasn't dirty.

You laughed and squealed all the way through and finally managed to free yourself. Then you jumped on Brian's back and he fell into the mud face first. Meanwhile, Tommy and Chris had started to wrestle with Vince and Nikki. While Chris and Nikki were just a little dirty, Tommy and Vince were as muddy as you were.

You and Brian stood up again and with one look at Chris and Nikki, you knew what to do. You looked at each other and nodded, then you jumped forward. Brian started to pin Chris to the ground and you straight up jumped onto Nikki so he lost balance and fell over.

Giggling, the two of you landed in the mud next to each other and you grabbed a handful of it and threw it right onto his face. He closed his eyes and tried to keep his mouth closed too while his body was shaking from laughters. Then he whiped the mud off of his face and got on his knees so he was looking down on you.

"Oh no, no, no, no!", you laughed as he grinned like the devil himself and you wanted to get up and hide behind Tommy, who was throwing mud onto Vince at the moment, but before you were even able to move, Nikki had grabbed as much mud as he was able to. Then he threw all of it onto your face. You tried to whipe it off, but he just kept throwing new mud onto you.

"Vince!", you gasped in between laughters, "Help me!" The blond singer was the closest to you, so he seemed to be the first one to be able to help you.

"Nah, I think you're fine.", Vince just replied with a cheeky smile, then he turned around to fight Brian, who had tried to sneak up to him to throw him into the mud.

"Fuck you!", you shouted at him and squealed as new mud fell onto your face. "Nikki! Stop it!"

You heard his rough laugh and kicked your legs up in the air while you laughed as well and tried to cover your face with your arms.

The bass player finally stopped and you carefully opened up your eyes. Nikki still looked down on you, a cheeky sparkle in his blue green eyes and a wide smile on his lips. You smiled back and for a moment, you felt so much different feelings towards Nikki that it was almost too much for you to handle.

"You're an asshole, Sixx.", you smiled and stood up, pushing your muddy hair back, "I hope you know that."

"I know it damn well, Hot Stuff.", Nikki winked at you and stood up too, "But you're an asshole as well so I think we're good."

You playfully slapped his upper arm. Then you turned around and watched Vince, Tommy and Brian trying to push Chris into the mud.

"I think we should help them.", you laughed and Nikki nodded.

"You want to help three people who are fighting against one poor guitarist.", he shook his head and laughed, "I think your much more of an asshole than I am."

"Shut up, Sixx.", you rolled your eyes and smiled at him. Then you took two fast steps forward and tried to help the others to finally push Chris into the mud.

Your guitarist fought against all of you with everything he had, but as Nikki joined, he finally gave up and fell into the mud. You laughed as everyone fell over as well and landed on Chris' back, who gasped a little as he had to carry the weight of five people all of a sudden.

"What the fuck?", a loud voice from ouside the pool suddenly shouted and all of you looked up and saw two strippers in white bikinis who looked at you in confusion. One of the security guards of the club was right next to them.

"You guys better leave our mud pool and our club as fast as possible or I'll get my friends over here too and we'll throw you out of here within seconds!", he said with a firm voice that didn't accept any talk-backs.

Still giggling, all of you stood up and got out of the pool. You must've looked really weird: six drunk grown up people on drugs that were covered in mud from head to toe, giggling like little school girls.

Followed by the security guard, you left the club, catching lots of weird looks on the way out. Mick came out of the club a minute later. He hadn't wanted to be seen with you in there.

"I'm way too old for this shit.", he grumbled and tried to ignore all of you.

You didn't even try to wave a cab over that would bring you back to your hotel. Instead, you decided to walk, which was kind of uncomfortable with your clothes being all muddy and wet and cold. You were certain that you would have to throw all of them away after you had gotten to the hotel because you would never be able to get all of the mud out of them. Damn, you thought, that was one of my favourite Aerosmith-shirts!

Now, without all of the drugs, booze and loud music, your thoughts took over your mind again and you remembered what Mick had said. He was right: you had to end it. Just thinking about it made you want to cry. And thinking about the fact that it made you cry made you want to throw up.

You were walking next to Tommy, who was talking about a dream he had had, but you weren't listening at all. Tommy knew that, but he just continued talking and smiling like the actual sunshine he was. His teeth looked really white compared to the dark mud on his face.

Then you walked past a lamp post with some signs with street names on it and you stopped walking and stared at the signs. Steal one, steal one, steal one!, the alcohol in your brain whispered and you couldn't help but listen to it.

"Tommy!", you called the dark haired drummer and he stopped walking and looked back at you, "I really want this sign!" You pointed at the sign that had the name French Street on it.

"Okay.", Tommy shrugged his shoulders and walked up to you. You gave him a wide smile.

"Get on my shoulders.", he demanded and got on his knees. You did it immediately, holding onto his long hair and giggling as he stood up and almost fell over.

He slowly walked up to the lamp post and you smiled happily as you realized that you were on the perfect height to grab the sign. You started to try and shake the sign and pulled it violently in your direction. It wasn't that hard to get it a little looser.

"What the fuck are you guys doing?", Vince, who had came up to you, asked and you stopped what you were doing and looked down on him. Then you giggled again.

"You're tiny.", you laughed and he raised his brows.

"I'm taller than you, Y/N.", he said and you violently shook your head and giggled again.

"No", you answered, "at the moment, you're not."

Tommy started to laugh and you held on tight to his hair because you were scared that you would fall down if his shoulders shook too much.

"Can you please tell me what you are doing?", Vince sighed reminding you of the sign you still wanted to steal.

"We're stealing this sign.",you answered his question and continued pulling at the sign.

"Why are you stealing this sign?", the blond singer now asked and you looked at him again.

"Because it says French Street!", you explained, "I've never been to France, Vinnie! Maybe this is the closest I'll ever get to that country! I need this sign!"

In that moment, your explanation totally made sense to you. And Vince seemed to get it now, too.

"Nikki!", he shouted and Nikki, who had been walking with Mick, Chris and Brian just a few meters away, came over to you. The others followed.

"Nikki, you have to help me!", Vince said as Nikki stood next to him, "We need to get Y/N to France! I have to get on your shoulders!"

While taking, Vince pointed at the sign and you looked down on both of them, nodding enthusiastically.

Nikki took one look at you and at the sign, then he nodded and got on his knees so Vince was able to get on his shoulders. Chris and Brian watched, laughing and cracking jokes, while Mick just shook his head and seemed to be completely done with the world.

Nikki stood up again and now you were able to look Vince in the face. "You're an angel, Vinnie!", you smiled and he rolled his eyes. Then he grabbed the sign and started to shake it. You did the same.

It took a while, but after lots of shaking and pulling and swearing, the two of you finally held the sign in your hands.

Smiling, you gave Vince a high-five and hugged him, what wasn't that easy considering the fact that you still were on Nikki's and Tommy's shoulders.

"Thank you so much, Vinnie!", you mumbled into his shoulder while hugging him and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek.

"Hey, lovebirds!", Tommy shouted from underneath you, "Stop cuddling and finally get off of us!"

You laughed and leaned back again, the sign in your hand. You looked at it proudly.

Vince got off of Nikki's shoulders first, then you gave him the sign to hold and Tommy knelt down so it was easier for you to get off of his shoulders as well. Vince gave the sign back to you and you looked at the boys, overwhelmed by the fact that they had helped you immediately.

"Look!", you called out and held up the sign, "It's beautiful and I'll keep it forever!"

You heard Brian and Chris laughing behind you and turned around with a warning look on your face. But with all the (now almost dry) mud on your face and in your hair, they didn't take you serious at all and just continued laughing.

You rolled your eyes and spinned back to the boys of Mötley Crüe. You had moved a little too fast, because now, everything around you was turning a little.

"Whatever.", you shrugged your shoulders, "I owe you something for helping me."

You first kissed Tommy's cheek and then Nikki's. It took you a few seconds until you realized what you had done and why Nikki looked so surprised. This had been the first time that you had shown some affection towards him while other people were around to see it.

Suddenly really shy, you bit your lips and looked down on the ground, then you turned away as fast as possible, hoping that no one had seen what had happened between the lines.

In your head, you started to course yourself. You wanted to stop being this close to Nikki. You had to. And still, you fooled around with him in the mud pool and showed way too much affection towards him. Again, you brought his hopes up, knowing that you would have to turn him down. And you just did it because you were too selfish to let him go. You were a terrible person.

You held on tight to the sign in your hand as you realized that the other were looking at you. Putting on a wide fake smile, you looked up from the ground and continued to play the role of the woman you usually were.

"I don't know what you guys are up to, but I really want to take a shower now", you winked and started to walk down the street again, "Who wants to join?"

Then you turned around again and while turning, you added: "I won't do it with you, Blondie." As you looked at Vince, you saw him slowly lowering his hand.

Both of you laughed but then he got serious really quick. "Did you just call me Blondie?", he asked and there was a dangerous sparkle in his eyes. But with all the mud on his face and clothes and in his hair, it was really hard to be afraid of him.

"Yes, Blondie.", you nodded and laughed , "I did."

"Usually, I would've killed you by now.", Vince muttered, "But you're pretty and I like you so I won't do it."

You laughed again, then you tuned away to continue walking back to the hotel, craving for a shower to wash off all the mud on your body and all the thoughts about the fact that you had to end your complicated relationship with Nikki.

Back in your hotel room, you peeled yourself out of your muddy clothes and threw them into the trash can without thinking twice, pushing away the thought of your beloved Aerosmith shirt.

It was four in the morning and you just wanted to go to bed, but you forced youself to take a shower first. You wouldn't get to sleep anyway - there were loud moans coming from the room next to you. Fuck you, Dan, you thought and rolled your eyes as they got louder.

But even if the moans wouldn't be there - you knew that you wouldn't sleep this night. The thought of having to turn Nikki down completely made you feel wide awake, even though your body was more than just a little exhausted.

You remembered the way Nikki had looked at you as you had arrived on your hotel floor. He had expected you to knock on his door after you had finished showering. By now, he didn't know that you wouldn't sleep with him tonight. That you wouldn't sleep with him ever again.

Thinking of him, waiting for you to show up, made you want to cry, but you bit your lips and surpressed the tears.

It took a long time until you had managed to get all of the mud off of your body and out of your hair, but then you finally stepped out of the shower, ready to go to bed.

You rubbed your body dry with a towel and put your wet hair up in a messy bun because you were way to tired to blow-dry it. Then you wanted to put on some comfortable panties and an old oversized t-shirt to sleep in, but you froze in your movements as you reached out to grab the pieces of clothing.

I can't just not go, you thought, It's cruel to let him wait for me the whole night. If I want to end this, then I should do it now instead of trying to avoid it.

Ignoring the big lump in your throat, you put on some old faded blue jeans and a black Led Zeppelin hoodie and headed to the door of your hotel room.

As you stepped out into the hallway, you first looked left and right to make sure that no one was around to see you walking over to Nikki's door. A part of you almost wanted someone to be there, so you were able to get back in your room again without having to speak to Nikki, but the hallway was empty, so you took a few slow steps towards Nikki's room.

Time went by way too fast and suddenly, you found yourself standing in front of his door, slowly raising your fist to knock. Praying that he hadn't heard you, you waited for him to open the door.

Then you suddenly realized that you didn't even know what to say to Nikki. Your head was completely empty. You played with the thought of running back to your hotel room to grab a piece of paper and write down some things to say, but then Nikki opened the door and it was too late.

A wide smile appeared on his lips as he saw that it was you - but it faded away as he recognized the look on your face. He stepped aside so you were able to get in and you took a deep breath before you walked past him.

You walked over to the big window on the other side of the room and stared out at the city, unable to look at the black haired bassist.

"We need to talk, Nikki.", you managed to say after a full minute of silence, "We have to stop this."

He didn't say a word, so you turned around to look at him. He was standing in the middle of the room, looking at you with so much sadness in his eyes that you felt the tears coming up. You had to blink a few times to prevent them from falling down.

"We've let this happen for way too long now.", you tried to explain with a shaking voice, "It's slowly killing both of us and now it's affecting our work! We can't go on like this!"

Nikki took a step in your direction and his arm moved a little as if he wanted to pull you into a hug, but then he realized that you wouldn't let him do it if he tried, so he just looked at you, his eyes telling you all the things he wanted to do.

"And what do you want to do now?", he asked with a shaking voice as well, "Do you just want to forget about everything that has happened and act like we're nothing more than friends?"

No, you wanted to scream, I want to keep on loving you in between the sheets forever and ever because I can't let go either.

But instead, you just nodded and shrugged your shoulders, whiping off your sweaty hands on your jeans. "Yes.", you almost whispered, "Maybe we should do that."

"You can't be serious.", Nikki called out and now, there was a hard tone in his voice. And you understood it. You really did.

"We can't do this forever, Nikki.", you said quietly and the despair in your voice stopped Nikki from getting angry. The only things you saw in his eyes now were sadness and hopelessness.

"If you wouldn't want this", he mumbled and took another step towards you, "you wouldn't leave with me every night."

"This is not about what I want!", you raised your voice a little to distract Nikki from the tear that had made it's way down your cheek, "This is about the fact that this shit is destroying both of us in the worse way possible! And about the fact that it's tortue for you, just because I can't think of being in a relationship without having to panic! But I've been way too selfish to let you go and I have to end that now!"

Realizing that this had been the first time that you had told somebody about the things you felt when you thought about being in a relationship, you couldn't stop the sob that came out of your mouth. You wrapped your arms around yourself and turned away from Nikki, ashamed by the fact that you weren't able to keep control over your feelings.

Then you felt his strong arms, hugging you from behind as he placed a gentle kiss on your cheek before resting his head on your shoulder. The fact that he still was this nice, even though you had told him that you wanted to break things off, made you sob even more. Feeling nothing but embarassment that you were acting like this, you tried to push him away, but he held you even closer.

"This is not your fault.", Nikki mumbled in your ear after you had calmed down a bit, "I can't let you go either. And feeling lonely and craving for love and affection isn't selfish."

You freed yourself from his embrace to look him in the face, immediately missing the warmth of his body. You had to swallow hard as you saw the tears glittering in his eyes.

"But it's selfish that I'm hurting you like this, just to get what I need!", you told him and you had to try really hard not to sob again.

"Your not hurting me, Y/N.", Nikki shook his head, "And this is not all your fault. Both of us are to blame."

You took a deep breath and whiped away the tears on your cheeks. "I doesn't matter anyway.", you said, slowly walking around Nikki so he wasn't standing in between you and the door anymore, "We have to stop."

"I can't do anything that will make you stay, right?", he asked and you nodded, trying to ignore the bad feeling inside your stomach.

You spotted a tear rolling down Nikki's face and you had to keep yourself from walking up to him and kissing it away.

Instead, you turned around and slowly walked to the door, opening it with shaking hands and stepping out into the hallway.

You wanted to close the door behind you, but then you heard Nikki's shaking voice again. "I love you, Y/N!", he called after you and for a second, you froze in your movements while your heart broke apart. Not because of him, but because of you. You had broken your heart all by yourself. Then you closed the door.

While walking back to your room, you were in something like a daze, not realizing anything at all. Nikki's last words were the only thing on your mind.

But as you had reached your hotel room and closed the door behind you, everything came over you again. The pain hit you all at once and you broke down on the floor crying.

"I love you too.", you sobbed, knowing that you would never be able to say these words out loud in front of Nikki. And now, it was too late anyway.

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