#just re-watched this a few weeks ago and 400% accurate

[emachinescat]

The Rich Girl Next Girl (Just Tried to Kill Me)

A Psych Fan-Fiction

By @emachinescat ​

@febuwhump ​ day 7 - poisoning 

Summary: Shawn will never complain about being ‘barely poisoned’ again after he’s ‘fully poisoned’ by a woman he’s investigating - via her poisoned lipstick and an non-consensual kiss.

Characters | Pairings: Shawn, Juliet, Henry, Gus, Lassie | Shawn/Juliet

Words: 3,199

TW: non-consensual kiss

Keep reading here, or on AO3!

If you enjoy, please consider liking, commenting, or re-blogging! :)

It was the beautiful ones you had to watch out for.  

She was tall and dark haired, with green eyes that twinkled like twin emeralds, and high cheekbones and plump lips colored with the most devastating red Shawn Spencer had ever laid eyes on.  She had squeezed into a tiny black dress with an open back and plunging neckline, with legs that seemed like they would go on forever.  She wore closed-toe, diamond-studded, four-inch heels that perfectly matched the color of her lips.  

Somehow Shawn had managed to charm her into asking him to be her date to a charity gala at the Santa Barbara Museum of Art, and he was very well aware of the many eyes on him as he moved through the crowd with her on his arm.

Well.  It would be more accurate to say that he was on her arm, because she was most definitely in charge, had been from the moment she’d picked him up her limo and she’d already had another, better tux waiting and pressed for him - and had refused to let him in the car until he’d made the switch.

She wasn’t only a total knockout, though - she was also a local celebrity, a socialite, born into enormous wealth but not the heir to the bulk of her late parents’ fortune.  That honor went to her older sister, who had, just a week ago, gotten into a terrible accident on her yacht.  Part of her had been recovered on the deck after the explosion.  The Coast Guard were still looking for the other part in the ocean.  They weren’t optimistic.

So now Aria Thorton, the twenty-seven-year-old millionaire goddess, was Shawn’s date to a high-end charity event, and they were the center of attention.  

Shawn should have been in heaven.

There were three things that dampened the occasion, though - for one, she thought he was a billionaire from two counties over named Chaz Hemsworth (no relation to Chris or Liam, but his rugged good looks and fabulous hair had made many people think he was).  

Then there was the fact that she was the SPBD’s number one suspect in her sister’s supposed-accident-but-Shawn-had-revealed-that-it-was-murder-yet-again case.  Hence, why she thought he was Chaz - he was undercover with the help of the police department, much to the chagrin of Lassie and Jules, because he was the best person for the job.  (Well, he had barged into the case and presented himself as Chaz Hemsworth, and she had been interested, and now he was the best chance they had since he was already on the inside and it was a time-sensitive case - just like he’d planned it).  

Oh, and the third thing was definitely the worst of them all: His actual girlfriend, the aforementioned Jules, was here too, acting as Lassiter’s date and ready to provide backup.  And she was pissed.  

Shawn forced himself to focus on the case, though.  Technically, he’d already solved it, put all the final puzzle pieces together, just half an hour before the gala.  But by that time, she was already at the luxury hotel the SBPD had reluctantly put him in as part of his cover (“Any snacks or room service ordered will be paid for by you, Mr. Spencer, not this department,” Chief Vick had warned with that iconic raised eyebrow of hers.  And no, she wasn’t going to sink funds into a ticket for Mr. Guster - Shawn had thrown himself into this investigation alone, so Gus would just have to sit this one out.  Needless to say, Gus had not been pleased.).  

Now, there were just a few more loose ends to tie, a few more t’s to cross and i’s to dot and little squiggly fancy things to add to capital S’s - namely, he needed to do the reveal.  And since Lassie and Jules would be at the gala anyway, it would be the perfect time to do the reveal (and he’d get to live it up as a male socialite for a few more hours).

He waited until he’d tested all the hors dourves (Why the hell had no one told him caviar was fish eggs and not really fancy boba, and that it did not taste good in even the fanciest of cocktails?), but as soon as the moment was perfect, he called everyone’s attention to him by accidentally-on-purpose smashing his cocktail glass with a knife a la the Princess Diaries, jumped onto the nearest table, and presented his case.

As he revealed the truth of the tragic death of Selena Thornton, and how her sister had taken freaking Skill Share lessons on yacht safety procedures so that she could backwards engineer them to arrange an accident for her sister and swoop up her portion of the inheritance, he noticed something odd - Aria didn’t try to get up, she didn’t argue or yell something like, “That’s ridiculous!” or “You have no proof!” or even “I would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren’t for you muddling, hunky psychic!”  Instead, she opened her shimmering handbag, calmly applied some sort of thick balm to her lips.  Then she pulled out her lipstick and reapplied it.  Maybe if Shawn hadn’t been so focused on his wrap-up, he would have noticed that the lipstick was the same shade, but that it came from a different tube than when she’d reapplied earlier.  Later, in his hospital bed, he would kick himself for missing that tiny, crucial detail.

He finished by announcing, “And remember, folks - this murder reveal was brought to you by Skill Share.”

And then he was getting off the table, and Jules was preparing the cuffs while Lassie held Aria, and the rest of the rich guests were sitting in stunned silence or otherwise whispering among themselves, already spreading the gossip for the next Tabloid, he was sure.  Then, out of nowhere, the formerly docile homicidal heiress lashed out, slamming the pointed heel of her left shoe - it looked like the heel had been shoved into a pencil sharpener - into the top of Lassie’s foot, buried the elbow of her perfectly tanned right arm into Juliet’s stomach, and broke away from the detectives.

Shawn thought she would turn tail and run, try to escape, but to his shock (and confusion), she lunged straight for him, zooming forward in those ridiculous heels with a speed and grace Shawn couldn’t even achieve with sneakers.  He braced himself for an attack, got ready to defend himself, even as Lassie and Jules recovered and dove for the sabotaging socialite.

They were too late.

What happened next was the literal opposite of what Shawn had anticipated.  She crushed her body into his, grabbed his face the way they do in every rom com ever, and pressed her lips against his in a kind of tender but still somehow aggressive kiss.

For a moment, he stood in shock, trying to process what the hell was happening.  Was she glad he’d caught her?  Did she look forward to being stripped of her wealth and going to prison for life?

Then he realized that as pleasant as her soft lips were against his, he had not authorized this transaction, and even though she was a rich, drop-dead gorgeous socialite, she was also a sister-killer, and his girlfriend whom he loved very much was watching, and he pulled back.  She held on, forcing her lips on his even as he tried to squirm away from her touch.  Her expertly manicured fingernails dug into his skin, and left scratches on the side of his neck when Lassie and Jules dragged her off of him.

Shawn stumbled back, neck stinging where she’d scratched him, lips tingling where she’d kissed him.  He could taste her lipstick - it didn’t taste like cherries like he’d thought.  It didn’t taste good at all.  He wiped his mouth with his sleeve and spun on Aria Thorton, who was now being wrestled into cuffs and passed off to waiting police officers.  “Hey, I know I’m irresistible,” he said, trying to fight off his growing discomfort at the kiss - any other time, he’d probably be thrilled to have a beautiful woman throw herself at him and surprise him with an attack-kiss, “but I’ve got a girlfriend.  And she’s way more hot and bad-ass than a homi-sister like you.”

Jules turned to him and there was a little smile on her face that told him maybe he wasn't as deep in the doghouse as he'd thought.  “Homi-sister?”  

“Yeah,” said Shawn, rubbing absently at his chest.  He needed to change out of this tux.  It was too hot, and it was too tight.  “Sister-murderer.  Like homicide, but for sisters.”

“Sororicide,” Lassiter corrected.  

“I’m sorry, Lassie, when did you take on the role of Scooby Doo?  I can only keep up with one fictional dog at a time, man.”  Beads of sweat popped up on his forehead.  A muscle twitched in his upper arm.

“It’s the actual term for killing one’s sister,” Lassie sneered derisively.

Shawn opened his mouth to retort, but he coughed instead.   And suddenly he couldn't stop coughing, and his chest was being squeezed, and the muscle in his arm jumped again, this time painfully, and he promptly deposited a disgusting mixture of fourteen varieties of hors dourves on Lassiter’s shoes.  A strong hand grabbed his upper arm and kept him semi-upright even as Lassiter groaned, “These are $400 loafers, and they’re rentals!”

“Shawn!”  Juliet’s face had gone white, Shawn noticed through tears and haze as she surged forward and gently lifted his chin with her delicate hand.  

He struggled to answer her, but his chest was so tight, and his left calf muscle contracted then, and all that came out was a strangled cry of pain.

“Call an ambulance - now!”  Lassiter’s voice was far away, though Shawn could have sworn that the head detective was standing right by his side, keeping him from face-planting in his own caviar and cocktail sludge.

Vaguely, over the sound of screams and murmurs and cries of alarm, he heard Juliet’s voice, scarier than he’d ever heard it before - he’d never been so convinced she was about to murder someone before - growl, “What did you do to him?”

He never got the chance to hear if Aria Thornton gave up her dark little secret.  His eyes rolled up into his head, and, muscles twitching and lungs scrambling for air, he passed out.

***

He woke up to pain.

It was a slow process, getting his eyelids to cooperate, but he could feel a soft hand in his, and he would know it anywhere, and someone was crying.

When his vision had cleared enough for him to make out more than just blobs of color, he saw Juliet sitting slumped in a hard plastic chair by his bedside.  Sure enough, it was her hand in his.  But she was fast asleep, her neck crooked back at an awkward angle and small, adorable snores wafting out of her slightly parted lips.  So it wasn’t her who was crying.

His gaze dragged languidly to the right, and everything made sense.  Gus was in the chair next to her, quietly sobbing into his hands.  Poor bastard.  

Shawn spoke, his voice raw and trembling and the effort seemed to squeeze every bit of air out of his already starved lungs.  “G-Gus?”

Gus’s head snapped up, he leaped out of his chair, and in a loud voice reminiscent to an all-black hallelujah choir, he exclaimed, “Shawn!”

Juliet startled awake, her hand instinctively squeezing his, and he saw the worry in her stormy blue eyes as soon as they landed on him.  She smoothed his sweaty hair from his forehead.  “Thank God you’re awake.  How are you feeling?”

Shawn didn’t answer immediately, but let his eyes wander around the room, confirming what he already knew.  He was in a hospital - a private room - and there was a heart monitor beeping above him and an IV lead ran from his hand to a pole, where two different bags were feeding his veins with who knew what.  He took a moment to remember what had happened and shuddered internally when he thought of the kiss of death.  

It took everything he had in him to speak again, but he had to know where he stood, “S-so, more than b-barely poisoned this time?”

Juliet laughed, a short, manic sound of mingled relief and exasperation.  “Yeah, a lot more than barely,” she agreed.

Shawn didn’t get to enjoy his moment of validation, because his left pectoral muscle spasmed, knocking the air out of his lungs and sending bolts of agony through his chest.  It was like the muscle was twisting itself into the most complex pretzel known to man.  An agonized guuuh burst from his mouth and he grasped at his chest, as if trying to tear the pain away.

Gus was panicking now, tears still streaming down his face, and Jules looked stricken.  Shawn was certain he was actively dying now and tried to call for help.  The door to his room burst open and distantly, beneath the mound of pain that had erupted in his muscle, he heard his father’s voice.

“Jules - it looks like it’s his chest.  Massage it.  Remember, small, gentle circles.  Gus, pull it together, you’re just making him panic.”  And then he could feel Jules gently massaging the screaming muscle, and Gus hiccuped into relative silence, and his father was there, seated in a chair on the other side of the bed.  He grabbed Shawn’s hand - the one with the IV - and for a wild moment, Shawn was convinced his father was going to rip it out like he had the last time his son had been poisoned.

But instead, he held on firmly to Shawn’s hand and said, “Squeeze as hard as you need to, pal.  Ride it out.  It’ll be over soon.”

The heart monitor was screeching now, and a nurse ran in just as the spasm was beginning to ebb, leaving the entire muscle feeling weak and squishy like play-doh.  She injected something into one of Shawn’s IV bags and checked his temperature and fed him ice chips and told him to try to rest and be patient, that it wouldn’t be long until the spasms would stop.  She might have told him her name at some point, but he didn’t hear.

Whatever she’d given him made him sleepy, and he felt his twitching, tense muscles relax the tiniest of fractions, and the last thing he saw before falling asleep was his father’s face leaning over him.  He must have been hallucinating, because he could have sworn that his father’s eyes were red and puffy and that there were tear-tracks down his face.

***

The next time Shawn woke up, he was still sore, and his muscles still gave the occasional, defiant twitch, but he wasn’t in blood-curdling agony anymore, so it was a definite improvement.  This time when he woke, no one was crying, and his dad had washed his face, but his eyes were still rimmed with red.

“What happened to me?” Shawn asked, his voice weaker than he could ever remember.  “What the hell was in that lipstick?”

His dad chuckled humorlessly, not because anything was funny but because it wasn’t crying.  “You figured out it was the lipstick, then?”

“I’m psychic, dad, remember?”  Shawn had put the pieces together the first time he’d woken up, but he’d been too out of it to realize he’d made the connection.

Henry didn’t dignify that with a response.

“I can’t believe you went to a millionaire’s gala and almost died, Shawn!” Gus chided irritably.  “If I had been there -”

“You would have hyperventilated and passed out on your plate of hor dourves,” Henry finished dryly, and Shawn couldn’t help but grin.

Juliet was the one who brought the conversation back around to his question.  “She refused to talk, so we took her purse and had her fingernail polish, lip balm, and lipstick tested for toxins,” she informed him.  “We thought that she might have done it when she scratched you, but it was the lipstick that was poisoned.  The lip balm was actually a protective buffer between her lips and the lipstick so that the poison wouldn’t reach her skin.”  With a heavy sigh, Juliet revealed, “It was VX poison.”

“What’s that?” Shawn asked.  “It sounds like something from a spy thriller.”

“It’s a nerve agent,” Gus supplied.  “It can be made into gas, but it’s base form is about the consistency of gasoline.  It’s super fast-acting, especially when inhaled or ingested, even in small amounts like with you, and it causes muscle spasms, respiratory issues, nausea, headaches, fever, and a whole lot of other nasty symptoms.”

“But there’s a cure?”

“Atropine and pralidoxime,” Gus answered promptly, and Shawn resisted the very strong urge to tell his best friend to, for the love of every 80s movie they’d ever loved, get a hobby.  “Both were administered the second the results came back.  It was a close call, but thankfully they were administered on time - though it was touch and go for a bit.  The nurse gave you another dose of a muscle relaxer the first time you woke up.  The other drip is saline.”

“I guess the real question is how the psychotic rich girl next door got ahold of poison like that in the first place,” Shawn muttered, head swimming and eyes burning and body feeling like it had been run over by a monster truck.

Juliet answered promptly: “Lassiter was finally able to crack her.  Turns out she’s also got some contacts in the black market.  She had that tube of lipstick custom-made and infused with VX two years ago in case any of her many boyfriends cheated on her.  Surprisingly, she hadn’t used it until you came along, but when you exposed the truth, it was her way of getting revenge.   She knew there was no way she was going to be able to escape, so she decided to take you down with her.”

“Damn,” said Shawn, faintly.  He was drifting off again, but he was so happy to be alive, to see his friends - even his dad, imagine that! 

“Go back to sleep, Shawn,” Henry ordered.  “It’s going to take a while for you to heal, and you’ll need all the rest you can get.”

Not knowing what had come over him, blaming the poison and trauma for the words that spilled unbidden from his lips, he found himself asking, “And you guys will be here?  Next time I wake up?”  

Gus grinned and leaned over to give Shawn a one-sided fist bump, and Juliet kissed him delicately on the forehead.  His dad ruffled his hair in a manner that could almost be construed as affectionate if he wasn’t careful.

“You bet your ass we will.”

Overall, Shawn reflected as he allowed sleep to claim him, being fully poisoned fully sucked, but it was kind of nice getting a glimpse of just how much his friends and family cared. 

They could find other opportunities to show their love in the future though. Shawn had had enough of poison, barely, fully, or otherwise, for a lifetime. 

[kissofgallifrey]

An Audience with David Tennant

My eyes hurt like hell, but I promised you this over a week ago so it’s about time I finished going over it and post it.

(Skip to the second line-breaker (that’s its name?) if you want to go straight to the Audience with David Tennant, I just wrote the experience of the whole day. There are some bits of David before though)

Saturday saw the second and final day of the Adam Smith Festival of Ideas in Kirkcaldy, which ended brilliantly with a gala screening of You, Me and Him, as well as a sort-of-Q&A event with David Tennant, titled An Audience with David Tennant.

What could possibly go wrong?

I will start by saying there were some frustrations involved with that day. The festival was pretty awfully organised; it seemed the organisers themselves had no idea what was happening (we got some seriously conflicting info before and during the event); the no-photography rule was plain idiotic; and they clearly weren’t remotely prepared for the theatre to be full (for the record, full being just 400 people) or for people’s interest. Everything around the event was pretty frustrating as well – the theatre took forever to respond to emails or messages, and even calling them didn’t give a clear answer about, well, anything.

That being said, even though it badly organised, nobody knew what’s happening and the people who organised it clearly had no idea what was happening half the time, I did have a good time.

Since we’ve been told that David and the gang wouldn’t be walking the red carpet, we didn’t bother coming in to the theatre too early. Not much of an issue, since David, Georgia and Daisy were a bit late and nothing happened for the first twenty-five minutes or so anyway (except for Tenny who walked the red carpet!), but still. Georgia and Daisy really just walked through, and they seemed surprised when someone asked for their autograph or for a photo. It was really sweet – and made me want to grab both of them and say, “Yes, David and David and David, but we care about you, too, and we want to talk to you and hear from you. This is YOUR film, and you’ve both said such beautiful things about it already – what makes you think people don’t care about you?” With their modesty, it probably wouldn’t have mattered, but sometimes I feel like we do need to let them know that.

For David it was a bit more complicated. It took him about ten minutes to do a 1.5 metres (2m tops) red carpet because he was the same beautiful sweetheart he always is, and he literally stopped for every single person. He signed pretty much anything, from Doctor Who stuff to a Postman Pat DVD (“That’s a blast from the past!��� He said with a grin as he did), he took photos with everyone, he stopped to chat and joke at some points. Really, it was the sort of moments that make you look at him and think, “You know, this man is too good for this world.”

He is, but never mind that.

After David finally managed to make it through the crowd (don’t believe the papers, everything was civil and actually a hell of a lot calmer than I’ve seen at the Stage Door), still very calm and smiley and sweet, they all headed down to what I’m assuming is a press room or something like that. We all headed up to the theatre.

They did a short introduction, which I’m not gonna say anything about because there’s a video online already, you can see it here, and then we watched the film. We have been told there will be a Q&A with Georgia after the film, but (there’s a shocker) the theatre apparently got it wrong again, because there was nothing.

Then it was time for the Audience with David Tennant.

In accordance with the running theme of the day, the panel did start later than intended, but I suppose that’s only natural in events like this. Georgia and Daisy sat in the audience (sneaking in…), and then the organisers gave a little speech and called David and Arabella Weir up onstage. You can see a (not too good) video of their entrance here.

It was utterly adorable and I think pretty much everybody in the audience melted when they saw it.

David and Arabella both took their seats and the celebration began.

Arabella opened by joking that she’s going to talk about herself the whole evening and David’s not going to say a word, at which point he nodded (silently and obediently). David, you goofy adorable boy <3

Anyway, the original plan was to have Arabella ask David her own questions, but then they asked the fans to send them questions, and apparently someone thought it’d be a better idea to change it entirely. So instead of several questions from fans, the whole thing turned into a version of a convention Q&A.

The first question was why David chose Kirkcaldy and the Adam Smith Theatre for this, to which David’s response was, “I didn’t choose it! None of this was me!” He continued to say that it’s been a while since he’s been to the Adam Smith Theatre – 27 years, to be precise (“which is amazing, cos I’m only 29 years old”). He was doing a play with 7:84 (he wasn’t entirely sure which one it was, he thought it was The Resistible Rise of Arturo Ui), and as they toured in Scotland, they made it to the Adam Smith Theatre for a performance (possibly two, he wasn’t sure).

As David tried to remember the name of the play they did here, someone in the audience (who can say her name herself if she wants to), said the name, and apparently she wasn’t very well heard onstage at first, because David went, “Someone is making noises! Sort of squeaky!” and started sort of looking for the source. Eventually it was found, and when David asked if she was here and watched it she said that she wasn’t, because she wasn’t really born yet… at which point David went, “Thanks!” Once the laughter subsided, he explained (in case anybody missed it) that “this was a voice in the dark telling me they weren’t born 27 years ago…” and added, “Neither was I!”

Arabella then explained that David didn’t choose the Adam Smith Theatre, she asked him to come. David (sweet as always) said that he’s thrilled to return. <3

The next question was what the difference is between working on a TV show in the UK versus in the US. The woman who sent it also had another question, which Arabella said she won’t read, and David went, “I want to hear the other question and I’ll choose.” Arabella said the other question just isn’t interesting, and David immediately turned to the audience and said, “Sorry”, and continued to ask if the woman was in the audience (and thanked her for the question). Is that sweet or what?

In answer to the question, David said it’s pretty much the same (“different accents”, which had everyone laughing), except that they work longer hours in the States (and get paid for working longer hours, since they still have the unions that work very hard to protect their rights and all), there are slightly different rules… it’s very much the same thing, trying to tell a story the best you can… “They have better snacks!” David cut himself off then, finding a new interesting thing. “The Americans are really good with snacks.”

David went on to talk about how in the States they’ve got craft service – which is a whole other department that only focuses on the food. In the UK, he said, if it’s a big production you might get some biscuits, but in the States they’ve got snacks coming through the entire day. “That’s the main difference,” He concluded, to much laughter.

The next question was what the best and worst things about being famous are. David looked at Arabella and went, “I don’t know… you tell me”, and she said that – obviously nobody wants to hear her answer and everyone want his – but the best is that people give you things, and the worst is that they expect things from you that they probably wouldn’t have if they didn’t know you from the telly. David agreed that it’s a very good answer.

David continued to add that it’s an odd thing, when so many people know you and you don’t know them, and it takes some getting used to. “I remember,” He said, “Before I was in that position, you would sort of imagine that was quite an empowering place to be, it felt like something that would give you sort of strength and confidence… and then actually, it’s quite… Like if you walk into a room, and people go, ‘Don’t look round, but there he is’ and they think you don’t notice that – it actually doesn’t give you confidence, it makes you feel rather insecure. It does me, anyway.”

He hurried to add that he’s not complaining, and he’s very humbled by the fact he was able to be a part of telling those stories that brought him into this place, but it does take getting used to. “I’m not gonna tell you how difficult it is, because it’s not, it’s lovely,” He concluded, “But there’s a sort of insecurity in it as well. It can undermine your own sense of self. You just have to be sure of yourself and maybe re-examine who you are and just make sure you know who you are so that it doesn’t send you to the slightly mad place.”

The next two questions were from someone’s kids (at which point David dwell for a moment on her name… it’s very easy to distract him, apparently), the first of which was, who his favourite Disney princess is. As always, David said it feels wrong to choose, but the one he’s spending the most time with currently is Moana, and she’s got some pretty great songs… so he’ll go with Moana.

The second question was when the last time he had diarrhoea was (I swear to god that was the question). David’s face was absolutely indescribably funny. He thought about it and then went, “I want to make sure I give her an accurate answer. I think if someone takes the time to think of a question like that they deserve a factual response.” XD

Eventually, after some thinking, he said he thinks it’s been a few months, but when he was away recently he had the opposite problem, which does happen occasionally when you’re in a different country. But don’t worry, everything is fine now. “Stop me at any time now,” He added, turning to Arabella.

The next question was from a history student, who wanted to know if David could play any historical character, which character it would be. David’s immediate response was, “Did you miss my Richard II?” Which got everyone laughing. He then continued to say that he doesn’t quite know, really. He gave it a moment’s thought, then said that he does have an idea, but it’s very dark, and despite our encouragement he refused to say who it was. :(

He then said that when you’re looking at historical characters, you’re looking for someone who’s done important things, but who was also flawed, because that’s the interesting sort of characters. He said that for instance, he wouldn’t want to play Henry V… except maybe in Henry IV, where he’s trying to find himself and doesn’t really know what he wants. “But I’m too old for that now,” He finished.

Someone from the audience yelled out, “Lady Macbeth!” which got David thinking a bit. He said it’s not exactly a historical character… there is some debate but… yeah, sure, he’ll go with that.

The next question was (the quite common) what’s the weirdest thing anyone had him sign. David went, “Oooh… I’ve signed some stuff,” In a slightly dark tone that had everyone laughing. He said that body parts are pretty weird – there’s a growing trend of people asking you to sign their bodies and then tattooing over it, which he’s done quite a few of. Arabella then asked if he agreed to do that, because she probably wouldn’t, and David went, “Oh, I’d do virtually anything.” ;)

He added that these things do make him a bit worried, because you sign with a sharpie and then people are going over it with a needle… that has got to lead to some sort of a blood poisoning! “But it hasn’t stopped me,” He finished, again making everyone laugh.

Someone asked what the most valuable piece of advice David has ever received as an actor. David thought… and then someone from the audience yelled, “Don’t do Nativity!” David’s expression turned into a living :O emoji (I swear) for at least thirty seconds straight (god that man and his expressions), and eventually he went, “How dare you? It’s the only thing my children think I’m any good in!”

David thought for a long moment before concluding that he doesn’t know and changing the direction of the question – to the acting advice he gives (“Can I turn the question to that?”). He said that people often ask for advice, “In the hope you have some clue… I don’t have a single clue about how to get into it”, but his advice is: be nice, be on time and learn your lines, which you would think is basic, but apparently not.

Arabella said that the best advice she received was that you’ll only know you’re an actor when you’re out of work. She didn’t understand it at the time, but when you’re out of work and you sort of keep pushing onwards, and you keep trying to do it, because you really believe you can do it – then it will come true.

The next question was what class at drama school he hated at the time, but has since found to be useful. David thought about it and then said that there are a lot of things they don’t teach at drama school and they should – like being unemployed, dealing with rejection and doing your taxes (pretty useful). “They should focus more on that because that does take up a lot of an actor’s life, I’d say,” He said.

He continued to think about the question and said that there are a lot of pretty useless movement classes, and pretending to be a sheet of aluminium (I swear he said that), “Which isn’t something I’ve relied on since”. But if you think that stopped him from enjoying, think again.

“The thing is,” He said, “I was pathetically keen at drama school. I don’t apologise for that, because I was very delighted to be there, I went in straight from school, I didn’t even do sixth year, so I was very young and very green, naïve, and quite immature, probably, at the time. So there wasn’t anything about it I didn’t like. I just thought it was all brilliant, because I got to do all day this thing that I’ve been dreaming of doing, I didn’t have to do maths anymore.” (cue laughter) “So there wasn’t anything that I regretted learning at the time, I was sort of drinking it all in.”

But looking back, he thinks it’s all probably been useful on some level… maybe apart from the sheet of aluminium. And some of the gavotte classes… at which point he gave us a little demonstration. “You see,” He added, “It all becomes useful!”

At this point someone from the audience called out, “Do your sheet of aluminium!” David explained that in fact, that was a group exercise in a visiting lecture… “Should I say her name?” He wondered. Despite our encouragement, he decided not to. “She’s dead now,” He said, to much laughter. “No, I mean, she’s actually dead now.” The response to that was, of course, a general “aww”… at which point he said, “You don’t know who she is, you don’t care!” (cue more laughter)

Anyway, she did these masterclasses – which were all about shaming them about how bad they were in their movement classes, really – and after they failed at yet another thing, the whole sheet of aluminium thing came up. “Drama school’s a funny place,” He concluded. “But it’s a sort of safe place, I suppose. It’s a safe place to try out some quite weird, creative ideas.”

David then said: “I think any kind of creative course has… you have to be allowed to go some quite weird places, to see what kind of fires your synapses, particularly what makes you as a creative person kind of buzz.”

He added that he was lucky because he was very young and not cynical at the time, so he got the best of it. Arabella said then that she taught him cynicism, at which David said, “It’s true. I went to London and Arabella spoiled me, she broke me.” (cue more laughter)

He concluded that that’s how art is, and that’s how art teaching should be – a bit crazy and a bit odd – because that’s what makes people think in ways they wouldn’t have thought of. And that’s why the arts is an important part of education – any education and should be supported.

The following question was a bit emotional – how he felt reading the script for his final episode of Doctor Who and seeing his last line was “I don’t want to go.” :(

“I had a little cry,” David admitted. He said that working on Doctor Who has been a wonderful experience, because it was such a great character, and the scripts were always so brilliant, and saying goodbye to that was very bitter-sweet. And then to be given that final line is very emotional. “I didn’t see it coming,” He said, “But then you sort of think, ‘how could it have been anything else?’”

David was also asked if there was a biographical film of his life, who would portray him? He said that he thinks Nicholas Lyndhurst.

The next question was whether he has a favourite character. Someone from the audience said Davina, and David went, “Oh, that’s old school.” David and Arabella then explained (for anyone who doesn’t know) it’s the transsexual barmaid he played in Rab C. Nesbitt. David then gave his usual response on that: he tries not to choose favourites (of anything, really), because he does change his mind pretty often, and he really kind of feels connected to the last thing he did – that’s what feels special. Since they just did the screening of You, Me and Him, he’s thinking of John at the moment, but it’s really not something that sticks, he doesn’t have one favourite for long.

Following that was another repeating question: what the differences are between stage and screen acting, and which one he prefers. David said he likes the variety and he likes being able to do both – he wouldn’t have given up on either. In terms of differences, the rhythms are very different – in a play you have three hours of intense stuff, whereas in filming there are long days where you do small bits of acting and mainly just “waiting around and drinking tea… and in America, snacks!” So in terms of rhythm, they’re quite different, but screen and stage are very similar, really. “They’re both just an opportunity to pretend to be somebody else,” He concluded, “And convince yourself that that means everything in the world in that moment. It’s all just sort of tricking your brain… thinking yourself into a state of being.”

The next question wasn’t quite phrased right: which three party David would have in his perfect dinner party. Arabella said, “Me”, and David immediately said, “Arabella, my wife Georgia, and Daisy.” (cue “awwww”)

Having gotten that out of the way, they asked whether the person who asked it meant what people from history they’d like to have (important clarification), which was indeed what they meant (“Yes.” “Yes.” “Yes.” “Yes.”). David said he imagines most people who’ve done things in history were probably annoying, but it would’ve been nice to know if they were… like Shakespeare – it would’ve been interesting to know how well-adjusted and what kind of a person Shakespeare was, outside his writing.

Arabella said she’d have liked to have Hitler at a dinner party, because it seems fascinating to talk to someone with that sort of mind set, and David agreed it probably would be, but stated that he’s not sure how much fun that dinner party would be. But as Arabella said, the question didn’t state it had to be fun…

David added that he thinks it would be interesting to meet any person who’s sort of “a moment in history” and see the humanity within them. He also mentioned that he’s both fascinated and bewildered by Donald Trump (gotta agree there).

Next, David was asked whether he’d like a part in Two Doors Down, which he immediately said (somewhat sadly), “It’s not gonna come… I’m still waiting.” He said he’d love to, and it’s a great show.

Arabella then said that one of the writers of it was on a show with David – Terri McIntyre – Classy Bitch (I could listen to David say it all day long; he just had that sort of… like he was doing a movie trailer or something). Arabella said it was funny but it only ever aired on BBC Scotland, and David corrected that it only ever aired on BBC Choice. “I think it was watched by four people,” He said, to much laughter.

Following that was a question about foreign languages: what it’s like to learn lines in a foreign language? David asked the person who asked it (who made a very odd sound as soon as her name was mentioned) whether she was thinking about anything in particular, and she said she was asking generally. He replied that it’s not something he had to do often, but he did do it for The Quatermass Experiment, which they did live on the BBC, and for that he needed to learn a couple of lines in German. He doesn’t know any German – according to him he wasn’t great at French in school either – so he had to learn it phonetically. He didn’t really know what he was saying – he knew the meaning, but he was just repeating it phonetically.

Of course, he was very calm about it… just thinking, “You’re about to have to speak German, which you don’t understand, live on British television. You’re going to get this wrong.” Very David, isn’t it?

He continued to talk about how that moment feels to him. He said it happened to him doing plays, too, and usually quite far into the run of them. “Your brain starts playing tricks on you,” He said. “You’ve done it, I don’t know, seventy-five times, and your brain starts going, ‘No… you’re gonna get it wrong tonight. Those lines that you said seventy-five times? You’re about to forget them. This is all going to go wrong.’ And this is happening while the play is going on, and you’re sort of on an autopilot, and inside your head is this little voice that’s just getting louder and louder … it creeps out the back of your head and you’re just trying to keep yourself calm, but at the same time, while you’re doing the play, you’re composing the speech you’re about to have to make to the audience, where you kinda go, ‘Ladies and gentlemen, I’m terribly sorry, I completely forgot what comes next, this is the end of my career, thank you for witnessing it, I’m going to go offstage and you will never see me again.’”

So during the live performance of The Quatermass Experiment, as his bit of German was coming up, he found himself thinking exactly that, except, not only he’s gonna have to do it in front of a theatre full of people – he’s going to have to do it on live telly in front of the entire nation! “Anyway, it didn’t happen, so…” He concluded happily, making everyone laugh.

The following question was (seriously *rolls eyes*) whether it was awkward to “work with your wife as your daughter”. Arabella immediately said that she wasn’t his wife when she played Jenny (they only just met on the set! Come on, people), and David seemed sort of baffled for a moment before going (in that sort of exasperated-patient-“are you listening to what you’re saying” tone), “I was playing a Time Lord. I was nine hundred and something years old and yet I didn’t look a day over thirty. That’s the conceit of the show.” Then, since Georgia was in the room, he turned to look at where she was sitting and asked, “Would you like to comment on that, wife/daughter?”

Once the laughter subsided, he continued to say that they had a lovely time. “She wasn’t my wife then,” He continued, returning to the earlier tone, “She was just my pretend daughter. And it’s not weird, because I was a Time Lord. And… it all worked out. She’s a little bit younger than me. She’s not that much younger than me. It’s not weird.”

And continuing with another question that probably shouldn’t have been asked, someone from the Fife Cultural Trust (which is probably the reason it was asked) asked what DC/Marvel character David would like to play. David went, “Have you not seen Jessica Jones?”

The next question was whether there’s a role David auditioned for and didn’t get that he think he should’ve. David immediately went, “All of them!” Once the laughter subsided, he added, “It’s just that other people didn’t agree with me.”

Turning serious, he said that he can’t think of something specific. He said that you just sort of go into an audition hoping for the best. On the one level, he said, you think it’s definitely yours, but on another you don’t think you’re worthy of anything. “But maybe that’s just me.” (cue “awwww”)

Someone from the audience mentioned that David said Georgia was auditioning other men (for the role of John, which isn’t technically true, because he didn’t say they auditioned, but never mind). David went, “Yeah, my wife’s always auditioning other men.” When the laughter quieted down, he looked at the direction of Georgia and said, “And that’s an ongoing thing? I’m discovering something now!”

Once the laughter stopped, Arabella cleared that the person talking was referring to what he said about them trying other actors for the role of John in You, Me and Him. David said that he doesn’t think they actually auditioned anyone else – “It wasn’t an audition as much as trying anybody else who wasn’t me.”

The next question, from another person in Kirkcaldy (to which David enthusiastically said, “Home crowd! Home crowd!”), was whether he got to keep anything from Doctor Who after leaving. David said that he was given a wooden box that was made by the prop man, which had an indentation for the sonic screwdriver and the psychic paper, and a couple other things. It was really beautiful, and from the way David talked about it, I imagine quite touching.

Another question was which of his roles has given him the greatest life lesson. David thought for a while, saying that it’s a very good question and this is pretty hard to know. Someone yelled out “Don Juan”, and David went, “I don’t know what the life lesson was in Don Juan.”

Anyway, David said that it’s pretty hard to know, because you sort of learn from everything you do. “Anything where you kind of walk in another other human being’s shoes, whether for real or for the purposes of a role…” He explained. He then added that it depends on what you mean by “life lesson”. In terms of “good to know”, he had to learn a bit of guitar playing for Campbell, so that was pretty good. But in terms of deeper understanding?

“I don’t know. I suppose anything that makes you examine your relationship with life and mortality… It’s probably hard to get past something like Hamlet for that because it makes you think about grief and being a human being, and how much you value your own life and other people’s lives, and that’s a very fundamental question. But I think the act of pretending to be someone else is continually illuminating, whoever this person might be, because it makes you consider a different viewpoint, which is something we all should be doing all the time, I guess, and I get to do it as my job, so I’m very lucky,” He concluded.

The next question was about Casanova – whether it was as much fun as it looked, and whether he considers it to be his “stepping stone for Doctor Who”. David replied that it was very fun, and that it was sort of his audition to Doctor Who. He told the old story, of how it was created by Russell and Julie, and while they were shooting it they actually started looking for someone to replace Christopher Eccleston, and it’s pretty much because of Casanova that they even approached him.

Arabella then asked whether they’d already been thinking about him before Casanova, and David said that not to his knowledge, particularly since they already had a Doctor. Things changed pretty quickly, and as a result of working on Casanova the opportunity for Doctor Who came along – but to this day he doesn’t know what the process was, what was said or at what point they even started thinking about him.

The girl who asked the question shouted that it’s her birthday, and David sort of looked at her, all, “Okay, what do you want me to do with it?” (those faces of his) for a moment, and then eventually went, “What do you want me to do? Do you want cake or something?” Being the sweetheart that he is, though, after the laughter stopped, he said, “Happy birthday. Many happy returns.” <3

The next question was about Secret Smile (“What was he? He was a stalker?” “He was a nutter, yeah”). Arabella started by explaining a bit about the mini-series (I think is the right term?) and David’s character, and then she started, “So the question is-“ only to be cut off by David who went, “Is that really you?” (cue more laughter)

Anyway, the question was what David’s reaction was to reading the character and how he got into the mind set for it. David’s response was absolutely beautiful (although for the most part not new). “The thing is, playing sort of nutters and the crazy people and people who are disturbed, it’s all… there’s something quite liberating about it. Because you get to dabble in the darker corners of psychology there within a very safe environment, of course, because it’s not that you become that person, it’s not like you have to live your life like that, but you get to sort of see what that might feel like. You get to kind of… obviously, in very sort of fictional terms, you get to kind of… sniff that world. You get to go to quite dark places, whilst knowing it’s safe and whilst knowing you’re not actually hurting anyone, so they’re kind of delicious characters to get a go at, because they go to places that you as a human being would never go. So there’s an acting challenge in it that is very appealing, and also, it’s quite intriguing to see what that feels like, even in a fictional framework.”

Another old question that popped up again: what’s David’s favourite episode of Doctor Who that he was in, and why. David once again said it’s hard to pick favourites, particularly because there are different levels, so there are different episodes that fit as favourites in those different levels. For instance, on the personal-emotional level, an episode that’s very important to him is The Doctor’s Daughter, because that’s where he met Georgia. “My life had been very different if that had never happened, so that completely changed the trajectory of everything that I now have, so it’s hard to see past that.”

Arabella then mentioned something about her favourite episode, and David said he’d like to know which it was, so she said it was the episode she was in. David looked at her and went, “I wasn’t in it.” And she just said, “Yeah, I know.” (cue laughter) She did mention that until she finally got a part in Doctor Who (not with David, which wasn’t fair), her kids said that David wasn’t in it, so it doesn’t count. (aww)

Following that, David was asked which character he played he connected to the most on an emotional level. David thought about it for a moment, and then said that there are different meanings for “connecting on an emotional level” – it can be someone who’s the most like you, or someone you feel empathic towards. He added that every character that’s well written is easier to connect to, really.

Arabella suggested Campbell (Bain, from Takin’ Over the Asylum <3), and David thought about it and said that he certainly connected to Campbell in a way. He went on to talk about Dave, from Single Father, which was very emotional to him – and that was even before he was a father himself. He added that if he did it now, he’d probably be better in it – but he’d probably find it unbearable, too. It was an imagined situation back then, but now that he has children and a family, it would become something so much more – which would make it even more difficult, so to do something like that now would probably be “almost too much”.

The next question was whether Walt (in the newly announced HBO comedy Camping) is an American. David said that he thinks so, but they haven’t started yet, so who knows.

The next question was about David saying that his obituary would have to be written in Tardis blue. The person who sent it continued and asked, if he had a choice, what would he prefer to be remembered for? David replied that he thinks he said something about Doctor Who being the first line of his obituary; saying it’d be Tardis blue was probably just being poetic. (“Or geeky,” said Arabella)

Following that, David was asked, what was it like to work with Jodie Whittaker? David (dead serious and very dramatic) replied, “Awful. She’s terrible. It’s unbearable!” Once the laughter stopped, David turned serious and replied that she’s lovely, and he’s had a great time working with her. “I’m sure everyone working on Doctor Who would say the same,” He concluded, to many cheers from the audience.

Another familiar old question followed: is there a Shakespeare role David would love to do? David went, “Of course! Loads of them.” He mentioned Iago in Othello and Angelo in Measure for Measure, and Bottom in A Midsummer Night’s Dream. He concluded that there’s a long list… “And then when I’m old there’s a whole other list.”

The next question was about having to be sad/to cry while doing a scene. The person asked how he does it when he has to. David said that it depends on the circumstances – “In an ideal world, it comes out of a naturally occurring moment, when something feels real enough that it takes you somewhere emotional,” He explained. But in other cases, you learn to fake it. Arabella added that sometimes they give actors eye drops, and David agreed that sometimes they just put things in your eyes to make you cry (saying “cry” in his most Glasgow-boy accent).

Another question was if there’s ever been a role David hasn’t done and would love to do. Someone suggested James Bond, but David immediately said he’d be rubbish in it, although he would love to play a Bond villain – that would probably be fun. “I’d like to have my own volcanic lair,” He stated, to much laughter.

The next question was another old familiar one: does David prefer to play good or evil? David’s response was the same as always – that you shouldn’t categorise them. “It shouldn’t be binary,” He said. “Ideally, you shouldn’t really judge any of your characters as good or evil. You should just be that person, do what they feel they have to do. I don’t think human beings believe themselves to be good or evil, particularly – most of us believe ourselves to be good, or at least, hope we are. I think most of us come from that place. Maybe some of us fear we’re not. We’re probably all somewhere on that spectrum in between, not quite sure what we think and worry that we might not be as good as we hope to be or aim to be. So I think it’s dangerous to prejudge a character.”

He added that with someone like Kilgrave, it’s hard not to see him as a villain, because of the things he’s done, but you’ve got to see that person’s point of view – you’ve got to come from their world and see how they think and why they do what they do. You just have to try not to think about it in a binary way. “Inevitably, characters are placed in storylines to do certain things,” He added. “My job as an actor is to try to make sense of this.” (Arabella agreed and added that once you hate your character, it’s very hard to do anything with it, so you’ve got to try and look at it from the character’s perspective).

Another familiar question: what role have you most enjoyed? David immediately said, “All of them, all the time.” He continued to say that the “favourite” questions are hard, because it feels like you’re comparing roles, “like you’re putting them in a league table”, and the thing is, whatever job it is you’re doing at the moment is the one you’re the most engaged with, so naturally it comes up as a “favourite” and it feels like the biggest thing there is. “Because that’s the conceit of it, that’s part of the job, really,” He said, “You’ve got to give yourself to it as wholeheartedly as you can.” So naturally, each job you do at the moment is the biggest and most important and “favourite”.

The final question of the evening was actually… my question! Surprisingly (I’m not sarcastic, it really was a surprise).

Arabella started saying that this seems like a good question to end with, at which point we all went, “Ohhh”. She looked at us and went, “I’m sorry but that has to be it.” David looked at her and immediately said, “No, we’re gonna stay here all night until all these questions are answered!” Surprisingly, we all cheered. ;)

Anyway, after certain amount of doubting the truth of the question from Arabella (what, me, angry? Nooooo), she finally started reading it.

“You often talk about your own insecurities, and the fear of being ‘found out’-“

“Yes.”

“-Of not being good enough-“

“Yes.”

“-Yet you constantly put yourself out there for appraisal and criticism.”

“I know, it’s pathetic, isn’t it?” (Try incredibly brave, David.)

“How do you avoid letting those fears get in the way of your job?”

“I do think that, and I certainly feel that… all the time you’re waiting to be ‘found out’, you’re waiting for someone to show up and go, ‘So, you think you’re good at this?’” David gestured aside, like he’s pointing at a door, “’Here’s your coat.’ And then you sometimes wonder, maybe actors think we’re terribly special but we’re not. Maybe everyone feels like that all the time.”

Arabella then butted in and mentioned the Imposter’s Syndrome, and how every woman suffers from that and it’s something specific to women (that’s bullshit, and I’m a psychology student). And David went, “I’m definitely a woman, then.”

And that was it. There was a bit of an ending speech, and David was given a present, and then it was all over and we all went our separate ways.

You can find a collection of the photos I’ve taken that day over here, and you can find a few quotes that didn’t get into the final report over here. 

Hopefully this makes anyone who asked for this report happy. xx