#just purge all this shit and get outside advice and move on

[insanechayne]

~ ~ ~

[bunnyywritings]

Could you please do Akaashi, kuroo, suga and Tsukishima comforting reader because she has an ED and feels disgusting and gross every time she eats? I’ve been feeling like shit lately and my ED is getting worse and I just need comfort rn, it’d mean a lot to me thank u:)

comforting fem!s/o with an ED

[a/n: hi hi anon! Thank you for the request I’m sorry that this is a little late but I really hope you feel better soon and that these can bring you some comfort!💓💓 i love u sweetheart!! I made these kinda like mini scenarios? drabbles? instead of hcs -yours truly, bunnyy -`ღ´- ]

TW: mentions of an ED, throwing up, nothing too explicit

❁ akaashi keiji

It didn’t take him long to figure out that you were acting a bit strange. Whenever he suggested going to grab lunch after school, you had always shrugged and said you weren’t too hungry and you were still full from lunch, but he knew you hadn’t eaten then either but he didn’t say anything so you two would just go to a cafe or something. He was starting to get very worried when you were getting headaches or when he saw that you were just less energetic than usual.

“(Y/n), you know you could tell me anything right? I would never judge you for being honest with me.” He held your hand from across the table, gently running his thumb over your knuckles.

You guys had just returned from a date where you had barely touched your food, again. Sighing, you stared at the table before nervously looking back up at him.

“I-“ Mouth opening an closing a few times in indecision. Should you be honest? Or should you tell another little white lie? He noticed the internal struggle that you were having as your eyes started to swirl with tears and panic started to bubble in his chest.

“You don’t have to say anything, my love. I just want you to know that I’m here for you.” The warmth and concern in his words made the tears drop as you nodded.

“I just...I haven’t been r-really eating.” He nodded, his suspicions confirmed as he calmly waited for you to continue. “It feels wrong, just the thought of eating makes me sick to my stomach.” A frown wrinkled his face as a bitter laugh rumbled from your chest. “Even if I was sick to my stomach, it’s not like anything would come up.” Your shoulder started to shake as you looked down at your lap, taking your hand from his and covering your mouth. Quickly rushing to you, he pulled you up from your seat and pulled you into his chest. An arm wrapped tightly around your waist and the other around your shoulder, gently pressing your head into the crook of his neck. His heart clenching painfully as you tightly clutched onto his shirt.

He held you tightly, waiting until your tears subsided.

“I can’t say I know what that feels like but-“ he softly peeled you away from him, holding you at arms length. “You don’t have to go through it alone. I still love you and will make sure to do the most that I can to show you every day.” His hand came up and carefully caressed your cheek. “I can help you in any way you want me to, just know that I will always be here for you.”

The two of you had cuddled afterwards where he whispered sweet nothings into your ear. He loves you, there’s nothing that can stop him from being there for the most important person in his life.

❁ kuroo tetsuro

It would take him a little longer than Akaashi to figure out that you were having trouble. It’s not that he isn’t observant, you’re just really good at hiding it. You took every precaution possible. If you two were on a date where there was food involved, you’d take advantage of whenever he went into the bathroom. Throwing away or hiding your meal so it looks like you had eaten. However, recently it had gotten worse.

You had worked up the courage to eat at least one small thing/meal a day. Whether it was a granola bar, some onigiri, or even half a sandwich. You were proud of yourself for being able to keep your disgust down but other days just weren’t as good. The moment any food touched your tongue, you gagged and spit it out or it would even go as far as you having to rush to the toilet and throw it up.

Kuroo had invited you over to his place, he was having Kenma and a few of the boys over for a video game/movie night so, he thought why not invite my amazing, gorgeous girlfriend. You had survived the night so far, dodging offers of snacks with the ‘I’m full’ or ‘I had dinner before coming’ but when they had ordered some pizza is when things went downhill.

You figured that if you waited a few minutes, all the slides would be claimed and inhaled by the boys and it was working so far...until Kuroo insisted that you at least have a piece and with every bodies eyes on you, you felt pressured and took the tiniest slice there was. You were a little surprised when you hadn’t immediately spit it back out but the moment you swallowed it, you felt your body lurch in disgust. Willing yourself to keep it down was hard, but you did so and distracted yourself with beating Lev at Super Smash Bro’s. Once it was time for everyone to go, you felt a little guilty at the relief that spread through your body but when Kuroo had gone outside to see everyone off, that’s when you took your chance. You rushed over to the restroom and started to purge anything that was in your stomach. What you hadn’t accounted for was how long it actually took you.

“Hey kitten, if you’re still h-“ He paused when he caught you hunched over the toilet, expelling what little was in your stomach. “Oh my god! (Y/n) are you okay?!” He got onto his knees beside you and comfortingly rubbed your back. This is kinda the moment where he put two and two together. He was besides you through the whole thing, rubbing your back and holding your hand as you rinsed out your mouth. The two of you had sat down to talk about it. Instant guilt flooding his body as he remembered on how insistent he was to get you to eat.

“I’m so sorry kitten...”

“I-It’s okay Tetsu, you didn’t know.” A surprised squeal left your mouth as he pulled you onto his lap, pressing little kisses all over your face. Whispering words of love and encouragement after each one. He vowed to help you and to shower you with encouragement and love every damn day.

❁ sugawara koushi

He knows. He’s known for a bit but he didn’t want to make you uncomfortable and bring it up. He would encourage you to eat, or he’d slip little snack into your bag along with a cute little note. At that point, you knew that he knew. So you worked with him to come up with a way that he could be involved with helping you slowly get to being able to stomach whole meals.

What neither of you really expected was the sudden relapse that you had experienced. And it hit you hard.

He had come over one morning and found you absolutely distraught. There was a plate in front of you and a half eaten bagel, but beside it was a little bit of the bagel that you had spit out. He rushed to your side and pulled you into his arms.

“I-I’m sorry Koushi, I-“

“Darling, why are you apologizing?” He asked quietly, hand raking through your hair in a comforting manner.

“B-Because, after all t-the hard work t-that you helped me w-with...it was all for nothing.” You cried into his chest.

“Of course it wasn’t.” He placed a gentle kiss to your forehead. “If anything, I’m proud of you darling. You didn’t spit out all of it right?” You mumbled a small ‘no.’ “You got the rest of it down, and that’s all that matters.”

You guys spent that morning in each other’s arms, before he helped you run your errands. He had gotten you to eat a little bit of granola bar throughout the day and some water so you could at least get some of the necessary nutrients for the day. Once you guys had made it back to your place and he grinned widely, holding the empty wrapper in front of you.

“See, you finished an ENTIRE granola bar today. You should be proud, I know I am.”

He always reminded you that even the smallest victories are the biggest ones.

“I love you darling.” He gently grasped your chin between his fingers. “You’re making amazing progress and I’m greatful that you’re letting me be apart of it.” He presses a loving kiss on your lips, both of your mouths moving together lovingly and softly. You were blown away at how supportive he was, but honestly, he coudn’t help it. He loved you and that was enough reason to help you on your journey.

❁ tsukishima kei

Kei understood to some degree. Some weeks he would go without eating for a couple days in a row. Not on purpose really, just because he forgets. Plus, it’s not like he eats a ton on a daily basis.

He’s very observant, so he notices very quickly that you’re not really eating. He doesn’t really know how to approach it so he just...doesn’t. He finally does when he notices that you’re slowly slipping and you’re less and less like yourself. He feels guilty that he hadn’t brought it up sooner. He just isn’t good with talking about sensitive/vulnerable things. He surprisingly asks Suga and Daichi for help, not mentioning what the topic is but just for advice on how to bring up a sensitive topic and how to encourage someone.

Both are almost in tears at his serious question.

They give him the best advice they can with what little information they have but their happy to help.

He’s contemplating on when to bring it up but when he catches you throwing away your untouched lunch. It was very awkward and blunt but it was in normal Kei fashion. You could hear the concerned undertone to his question. Watching and listening calmly when you tried to stutter out an excuse.

“I know you’re not eating, (y/n)...why?” He sighed. If you hadn’t known him, you would’ve thought he was annoyed.

“I-well I’m just not feeling very hungry t-today...” You laughed nervously, watching as he gave you a bit of a harsh look and you sighed. “Okay, okay. I not feeling hungry, ever.” You groaned quietly. “It’s hard to explain...I just don’t like how it feels when I eat. Whenever the food just touches my tongue, it-“ he watched as you shuddered in disgust.

“But you know you need to eat right? You can’t be skipping meals every day.” Your face quickly turned sour.

“You’re one to talk, you barely even eat most days too.” You frowned, he could basically see steam coming out of your nose as you stood up from your seat. “So how are you gonna sit there and tell me that eating is important. I KNOW it is okay?! You don’t think I get frustrated that I can’t even stomach a freaking banana, Kei.” You laughed bitterly but his heart broke once he saw your tears. “A banana...” He frowned, making his way to you and wrapping you in his arms. Your legs were trembling, both of you falling to your knees.

“I-I’m sorry (y/n), I didn’t really think about it like that...” He’s beating himself up for upsetting you further.

So, he did his research. He read up on a bunch of studies and articles about EDs and how they work. The psychological damage and the difficult process of recovery. He didn’t care. If the process took months or years, he’d be there right by your side. He wanted you in his life for a long, long time.

You were a bit surprised at how hands on he was. He was helping you start off slow. He was also making sure to eat everyday so he wasn’t being a hypocrite and so you could see that he was there with your. You can see the little smile on his lips when you make progress, and if you digress or you have a relapse, he still has that smile and tells you how much he loves you and how thrilled he was about your development.

“You’re not sick of me right?” Your voice was echoed because you were currently hunched over the toilet bowl, you had felt the need to throw up but nothing came up.

“Of course not. I love you, you idiot.” He gently massages your thigh, “I see us having a future together...I want us to have a future together.” You sat upright, eyes glistening and lips twitched up in a grin.

“I do too...” You leaned forward to kiss him but he put a hand in front of your mouth.

“Not until you at least rinse.”

“But I didn’t even throw up~” You whined. He shook his head, fighting the smile threatening to split his lips.

God he loved you. So, so much.

hehehe basically all these boys would 100% support you in your recovery and shower you with love and cuddles

[heyyouwiththeprettyface18]

Where I've Been and My Relationship with Social Media

Do I think anyone actually cares about this and missed my presence online? Well yeah. I have friends on here so I would like to imagine they did. I had one amazing and lovely soul sending me memes during my break and I love her for it! Am I screaming into the void in a way to work out my own emotional state? Well, yeah. This isn't for notes. This is for me.

It all started about two years ago. One of my best friends in the whole world, who I will refer to as Amy, messaged me one day before school and told me that she was stepping away from social media. She was deleting snapchat, Instagram, facebook and any other various profiles she had. At the time I felt like King George in 'I Know Him', I wasn't aware that was something a person could do. Why would this gorgeous, college age student want to get rid of her social media? Didn't she want to be connected to the rest of the world? Didn't she want the validation from her peers? Didn't she want to just be able to look up someone and know everything she ever needed to know about them? Keep in mind this was the time where I considered myself something of an internet sleuth for my friends, family and occasionally teachers (Shout out to Mr. Hunter). But she was my friend. And I was going to support the hell out of whatever Amy wanted to do.

To this day she is still off social media and she is happier than ever. And that freedom she felt from society constantly throwing all sorts of unachievable standards in her face all the time? Slowly became more attractive to me as I got older. A while ago, maybe around the same time Amy deleted everything (I really can't remember) I uninstalled Facebook from my phone. It was so freeing? I didn't have to see all the negativity on there and the politics from my father's side of the family. It was so nice. That's when I got my first taste for it. This freedom. But that's about all I did until my first year in college.

December - February were weird months for me. Specifically when I was at school. Looking back on it, some of the reasons why it was so weird seem trivial. But at the time they meant everything to me. It seemed like I was losing some irl friends and a few online ones. Not to mention college chemistry and accounting made me breakdown about 10 times total. I remember calling another one of my best friends, Ellie for the sake of the story, sobbing. I felt so genuinely alone. I felt like all the people up at my school either just barely tolerated me or hated me. I think that's the loneliest I've ever been.

You might be wondering why this has anything to do with social media? Well. Let me tell you. This emotional breakdown of mine happened after I saw a photo posted of two of my friends out getting doughnuts from our favorite place without me. It's so stupid. But I was in a very fragile place. I was trying to figure out a lot of things. Classes, friends, sexuality, past trauma, self worth, whether or not I should have gone to therapy. Looking back on it, Jesus Christ I wish I did. It was just a lot. So in a brash decision I deactivated my Instagram. Didn't tell anyone. Didn't think anyone would care. People did. So after about a week I reactivated it. I couldn't stand not knowing what people (aka Tom Holland and Taylor Swift) where posting. So I chugged along.

And then a fucking Pandemic happened.

It's nice to be home. I'm a total mama's girl and am attached to her at the hip. Which is another reason why I wasn't doing so hot at college looking back on it. But all I was doing at home was my class work and scrolling through the toxicity that is Twitter, the pretty photos of Instagram or Tiktok. I would get frustrated at the people not wearing masks or that people were still going out in public. And it slowly worked at my nerves.

Before I knew it, Black Lives Matter was in full swing because of the disgusting murder of George Floyd by the racist police officer. There are two things you need to know about me: I am extremely empathetic and I have seen some shit. I have never been so distrusted or viscerally affected by a piece of footage in my whole life. After that, I was on Twitter reading and retweeting everything I could. Signing every petition I saw pop up. Trying to educate myself. And I did. I will be the first to admit, I still have a lot to learn what it means to be a good ally. But the negativity and guilt I was feeling, was coming from me. Nothing I did felt good enough. I wasn't able to attend protests because of online classes and I was only able to donate about $20 dollars to charity because I am not working right now. It just didn't feel good enough in my eyes. I wanted to do so much more. And for the record I still want to do more. I'm looking into ways that I can help the BLM movement, even though I am currently off social media.

And that's when something happened that I wasn't expecting. I was rewatching an old episode in Jacksepticeye's animal crossing series where he went off on a tangent about social media and mental health. I was making breakfast while I was watching it. I stopped dead in my tracks and listened to what he had to say. And I kept it in my as I watched the current state of my YouTube life get turned upside a few weeks ago.

That's when I realized social media was really hurting my mental health. That day I deleted Twitter from my phone and deactivated Instagram again. At this point I had already deleted Tumblr from my phone because at the time I thought this site was the soul reason I was unhappy with my relationship on the internet. This was the first time I purged myself of all three of these social medias at that the same time. Also I stopped looking at snapchat stories and privated a lot of my boards on Pinterest. And it was so good. I have been so much happier since cutting the negativity and helplessness I felt out of my life. I was calmer. I allowed myself to focus on the things that made me happy.

I was getting to hang out with my friends a little bit more. I started playing DnD and am in love with my character. I started taking more Polaroids. I was taking drives. I'd sit at the park with ice cream and enjoy summer. Dancing alone in my house. I was writing again and developing characters that I've had for years that are desperate need of a face lift. Baking and cooking again. Watching things that made me happy. I was living for me and finding positivity in my life again.

And I still am. It's still a work in progress sometimes to be happy like I want to be. But I'm willing to put in that work. It just so happened that cutting social media and that tie to society was what I needed. It was a small step, but it put me in a good direction. I've decided to come back to Tumblr and take my blog back for me and ignore some of the personal reasons why I got rid of it in the first place. This was a power move for me, and I'm happy to be back.

I've been debating about making a new Instagram account, to follow a select number of friends but probably not. I'll be damned if I ever redownload Twitter on my phone again. So if you're one of my mutuals and you want to talk outside of tumblr the social medias I still have are: discord, pinterest, and snapchat.

TL;DR: I got really sad and frustrated. So I pulled a Taylor Swift pre REP era and disappeared. I'm doing pretty good and am still working on achieving my definition of happiness. And if I had to give advice, I guess I'd say that take a week break from social media see how you feel. Who knows, you might not even miss it.

Remember: Drink water, moisturize, wear a mask, Black Lives Matter and Always Keep Fighting

W/ Love,

Laura

[dammitadolfnomorecake]

Caramel Skin Under A Purple Rain prt 46 full draft

“Shiro, it’s Marco... We need to talk about Lance” Five simple words shouldn’t have had the effect they did on Shiro’s heart. Having delivered him to Erathus for his appointment, Lance had immediately sought out Marco as the two brothers stood holding each other in the crowded space port. Lance’s mind was all over the place, and if Shiro was honest he was glad Lance hadn’t talked to him since they’d left Krystaal’s cell. The man he saw as his younger brother had trampled all over his feelings with his declaration of Keith’s death, Shiro understanding where Krolia’s anger had come from with how certain Lance was that Keith was now lost to them. He’d hoped once his worry for his twins had been addressed, Lance would see that leaving Keith behind was a mistake. He’d even sat in his pod at the space station, waiting for news of the appointment on the off chance that Lance wanted a lift back to Daibazaal. He hadn’t. He hadn’t even told him that the he’d scheduled surgery in regards to his pregnancy. Maybe hiding the increased bleed from Lance hadn’t been the right call, but the whole situation was mess. Lance had been in and out of it for days as he’d fussed over Keith. Some days better than others until the fire inside of him seemed to fizzle out. That’s why he’d agreed to let him do this. To let him talk to his obstetrician. Krolia losing her temper at him had caused Lance to shut down further, it’d felt almost as if a stranger had been the one declaring Keith was dead. The way Lance carried himself with an air of indifference worried him. Then Daehra had called. Daehra was the one to inform him that Lance was having surgery and would be returning to outpost with them instead of Daibazaal. He’d been so tempted to ask to be there with Lance. He was attached to the two tiny lives growing inside of him, and he was sure he would have been just as attached if Keith hadn’t been the father. Without Keith, Lance seemed to give up far too quickly... and without Keith, Shiro didn’t know what to do for him. He wasn’t his lover, nor was he Lance’s husband. He was no longer sure of how he fitted into Lance’s life, especially when Lance broke contact with them. Now Marco was calling. Calling to inform him that something was wrong... How Shiro wished he hadn’t seen that coming. Kissing his forehead, Curtis gifted him with a soft smile. A smile of understanding. His boyfriend was devastated by what had happened that night. Worrying both for Lance, and for Keith when finally woke. It’d already been a little over a movement and half... no, two movements since Lance had left in the middle of the night. Hunk was devastated to find him gone without saying goodbye, but he also seemed to understand that Lance had only been getting worse in their care. Mouthing at him that he’d wait outside, Curtis’s soothing presence slipped from his side. As far as Shiro knew, Lance’s last contact had been to Curtis instead of him “Sorry, Marco. Curtis was giving us some privacy. How can I help you?” “Can we switch to video? I really need some advice” “Sure” The video connected, Marco looking exhausted as he ran a hand through his hair. When he’d embraced Lance, it’d been with a smile, now his lips were drawn into a thin line with deep black bags under his eyes “Thanks for taking the call. I didn’t know what to do” “What’s wrong?” Tilting the camera on the comms past himself, Shiro could see Kosmo laying next to what had to be Lance “Lance has relapsed hard. Daehra mentioned a similar thing happened when he found out he was pregnant and I was hoping you’d be able to tell me how you convinced him to... take care of himself” “What do you mean relapsed?” “Not the drugs, or alcohol. Not that I know of at any rate. He’s... he’s stopped eating, everything he was eating he was throwing back up, even the allergen free things. His nightmares are out of control. He’s been sleeping walking and having panic attacks when anyone gets too close to him. I walked in on him about a movement ago begging Allura to leave him alone. He was throwing up. I don’t know if he was nauseous or if he was purging. He won’t let anyone touch him, that causes him to panic. He seemed to be doing better when he was working the bar, but something snapped overnight. He won’t talk to any of us, now he just wants to sleep... I found him this morning with bleeding hands and no idea what happened. He was so confused as he stared down at them. It was as if he had no memory of cutting them. Daehra was able to patch him up after he fainted from the blood. We’ve done a clean through of his room. Kosmos been teleporting me in every time he seems to think Lance is upset. He was managing to pull himself back from his panic attacks. We did have to tie him up after he tried to go a customer, not that that did anything. Kosmo. Not Lance. Lance is way too attached to his bar. He won’t listen to anyone other than Lance” Shiro took a slow deep breath through his nose, as he closed his eyes. The outpost was supposed to be good for Lance’s mental health. He’d thought he’d moved past these episodes. Releasing the breath as slowly as he’d drawn it, he opened his eyes again “How long has Lance been with you now? Times different over there” “Just on three and a half weeks... movements. Space time is movements... I think. Like I said, he was doing better, then all at once he relapsed. He’s my little brother. He might be a shit head, but that doesn’t mean I want him like this” “Keith still hasn’t woken. The last time he was like this, Keith was the one who brought him back. Curtis and I have both tried to push back returning to full time active duty, but with incident, the Coalition is still busy reviewing what happened and drawing up new stipulations to prevent it happening again. Have you tried talking to Veronica?” “She’s stuck in a hard place. Acxa agrees that Lance shouldn’t have left Daibazaal. Veronica wasn’t particularly pleased” “I know that much... but I don’t know how to help him. Mami insists he come home... I don’t think that would go over well with Luis and Rachel. Luis is shaken over this, while Rachel doesn’t know what to say. They’re both concerned about him. We’re all concerned about him, but he’s shut us all out” Shiro wasn’t supposed to be taking leave. The Coalition wanted to know his whereabouts at all time, lest he think of getting revenge for Keith’s current status... Still, he didn’t want to fail Lance again. He didn’t want to explain to Keith when he woke that Lance was gone, or that he’d lost the twins after coming so far. For Lance it approached 6 weeks that Keith had been unconscious. Maybe it wasn’t the right choice to let Lance be gone for so long? If he continued to stay at the outpost, they ran the risk of him going into labour before Keith woke. Keith and Lance would both be devastated if that happened. Both of them deserved happiness... “He can’t stay there. Something has obviously happened, and the longer he’s there is the longer he’s waiting for Keith to wake. Can you pack a bag for him. Include some baby clothes, blankets, whatever you think he’ll need, I’m going to organise a safe place for him to go until he gives birth” “Are you... will he...” The guilt on Marco’s face echoed how Shiro felt. Lance had returned “home”, pulled himself together, then suddenly fallen apart. He was hurting and there was no way he was going to let that continue. Marco felt as if he’d failed his brother, ill equipped to deal with Lance’s headspace. Not that anyone other than Keith seemed to be able to do or say the right things “He’ll be safe. I won’t bring him back here. He’d only spend all his time fussing over Keith if I did” Not that he knew where Lance would feel safe and comfortable. Shiro knew he wouldn’t be able to take the time off that Lance needed from him. This was... this was too big of a dilemma for him to handle alone. Curtis was also worried for Lance, and might just have the answer to the issue now at hand “I’ll be there within the varga” “Thanks, Shiro. See you soon” * Laying on his side of the bed he shared with Keith, Lance was sleeping when Shiro walked in to check on him. Talking with Curtis, they’d come to an agreement. Lance needed someone to be with him at all times, in a place that was safe and secure, and not Daibazaal, Erathus, Altea or the Outpost. Taking a leave of absence due to mental health, Curtis would be taking Lance to the cabin they’d intended to spend Christmas at. Curtis was now briefing Lance’s team, leaving him to organise Lance. Squatting down, Shiro’s knees cracked in protest, Kosmo raising his head off Lance’s hip to bare his teeth. Reaching his robotic hand out, Shiro let Kosmo sniff at him “It’s ok, boy. I’m not going to hurt him. He’s not doing so well, so I’m taking him back to Earth” Kosmo continues to stare at him, his black eyes locked firmed on Shiro’s own “Keith hasn’t woken yet. I promise you I would have called if he had” Huffing, Kosmo settled back down against Lance. Over their time apart, Lance’s stomach had swelled rapidly, almost painfully from the look of the size. He wasn’t sure how far long ago, only that it was September on Earth now, where Lance had fallen pregnant in April. With a soft mumble, Lance’s hand slipped to his belly as he woke. Both of them shocked to find each other staring at them “Hey, kiddo. I heard you haven’t been feeling that great” His words overlapped Lance’s rasp, hope filled Lance’s face as he stared across at him “Is Keith awake?” “Sorry, no. Curtis got some time off work and wondered if you’d like to head to Earth for a bit” Shifting with a grunt, Lance slowly went about drawing himself up to sitting, coughing as he did “Whoa. Easy there. There’s no need to rush” “Sorry... hurts to talk” With space cleared, Shiro’s knees protested as he moved to sit on the edge of the bed “Yeah? Marco said you’d been a bit down” “I heard him...” Coughing again, one hand remained on Lance’s stomach as the other moved to massage his throat. For someone unresponsive and panicking at every turn, Lance was much more together than he’d thought “Sorry... my throat’s sore” “Want to tell me about it?” “Meds” Shiro raised an eyebrow “You’re on new medication?” Nodding, Lance released his throat to reach for the glass of water on the bedside table. Wet with condensation it slipped through his fingers, spilling on Lance’s pillow and causing tears to immediately well in Lance’s eyes. Retrieving the half spilt glass, Shiro held it so Lance could take a sip, before shaking his head “No more” “Are you sure?” “Meds make things gross” It clicked into place in his mind. Lance was trying to avoid the things that made the side effects of his medication worse, taking it far enough to avoid eating and drinking because of it “Your medication’s changed how things taste?” “Mmm... so Marco called you because he finally gave up?” “No, Marco called me because he was scared for you. He said you’d been feeling pretty down” “Tired... I feel tired” “He also said you haven’t been eating or talking” “Makes me vomit” “Did you ask Daehra?” “Hurts too much” Shiro wasn’t sure that Lance didn’t mean it physically hurt too much. His voice sounded wrecked, his discomfort clear “We packed a bag for you. If you still want to go. It’s the cabin we were going to spend Christmas in, so it’s quiet. There aren’t any noisy neighbours in the area... Lance, what happened? Why didn’t you tell me you were going to have surgery?” “You had enough to worry about” “I’m still going to worry about you. You’re my friend. Everyone here’s worried about you. Marco mentioned you hurt yourself and that... that you saw Allura again? It all started about a movement ago? Does that sound right?” Lance’s bottom lip quivered, Shiro going to hug the smaller male, only for Lance to flinch away. It hurt. Lance’s rejection hurt, but he knew how unpleasant touch could be when you were struggling “She won’t leave me alone... I keep dreaming of her killing Keith” “Oh” What a stupid thing to say. Lance needed reassurance, not him stupidly uttering vowels. Did that mean Lance wasn’t hallucinating her again, and instead disorientated from his nightmares? With his free hand, Lance started rubbing at his eyes. He looked miserably, he also looked uncomfortably thin and drawn out, as if he’d been fighting non stop since they’d parted “Would it be easier to talk by comms if your throat hurts?” “Headache... screens are bad too” “Lance, if your medication is making you feel this bad, then maybe it’s better you’re not taking it” “Have to... just a little longer...” “If you talked to Daehra...” “Stop it. You’re doing it again. I have to have my meds, my doctor said... I didn’t come home to be smothered” Lance was running out of steam, his already light voice was practically gone again “No. I thought you coming back here would be good for you. Instead you’re sick and refusing help” “Only for a little longer... I can make it a little longer...” Kosmo whined, pawing lightly on Lance’s hand mere ticks before Lance’s nose began bleeding. Both of them reached for the tissues, Lance hissing as Shiro’s hand bumped his, Shiro withdrawing so Lance could grab a couple of tissues to press to his nose “Medication?” Throwing it out there, he mentally sighed as Lance nodded. Whatever Lance was taking wasn’t any good for him. He didn’t understand why he’d be taking it with so many side effects “At least let me see the bottle? Maybe I can find out more?” “Internal dispenser. Dissolves when empty” That sounded alarming. He didn’t know Lance’s obstetrician, and sure, Keith and Lance had both liked them, but they were still a stranger at the end of the day “What do you mean?” Lance opened his mouth, only for nothing to come out. Mopping at his bleeding nose, the light in his eyes seemed to dim again “Alright. But I’m going to need to tell Curtis he’s going to have to monitor your condition. He’s letting the others know you’re coming with us back to Earth” Another nod came. This “drop” wasn’t as bad as the one Lance’d experienced after finding out he was pregnant, yet in some ways it felt worse. Lance was doing whatever it was to himself to keep the twins safe, prioritising them over his own health. Though he didn’t know how, he was going to need to contact Lance’s obstetrician and find out what the quiznak Lance had in his system to make him so ill. Plucking the bloodied tissues out Lance’s hand as he “studied” them, they’d be coming home with him to be analysed. Daehra surely had to have answers too, but whether she’d tell him was another story. He’d shown up from nowhere with his boyfriend to take her team leader away, and not for the first time “It looks your nose has stopped bleeding. Can you walk, or do you need help?” Answered with a firm shake of his head, Shiro sighed to himself. Keith may have thought himself terrible at helping Lance in their daily lives, yet here he was, failing miserably and projecting his worries back onto Lance as he’d done on Daibazaal. He’d had time to think about how all of them had treated Lance, none of them realising how belittling their fussing must have been for him. Lance dressed himself slowly, Shiro watching from the corner of his eye. His gravid stomach crossed with stretch marks, like scratches across his soft brown skin. His breasts heavy, as he struggled with his bra. Lance’s pregnancy was an amazing thing, yet seeing him this heavily pregnant stirred up the same feelings of jealousy he’d felt when he’d first heard Lance was pregnant. Curtis would be spending weeks with him on Earth... He couldn’t give Curtis this... and Keith was missing out on this experience, while he’d been with Lance since the moment he’d found out... He wasn’t sure how to describe what the agitation he felt was, as agitation wasn’t the right word. The twins were his godchildren, Keith trusting him and Curtis to guide them and Lance. He’d had months to adjust to the change, he had no reason to be feeling like this, after all, he wouldn’t change places with Lance, not when his pregnancy had been so hard and complicated... So why did he wonder what it would have been like for him? Why did he feel it would have been easier for him, or Curtis, than for Lance? Though he hadn’t said any of this out loud, he felt as if he was badmouthing Lance mentally. Lance was strong. He knew how strong he was, Shiro had no right to be looking down at him. Tugging his shirt into place, Lance paused then grabbed one of Keith’s jackets from their wardrobe, his voice the same low roughness that he was going to have to adjust to, and remember when he checked in with him in the future “Let’s go” * The cabin was nice for a prison cell. Lance knew he was being a burden on his friends and family, but now he’d been upgraded and evicted, to the middle of nowhere... A nowhere place that was annoyingly nice. Curtis’s family cabin was an hours long hike from the closest campground. The laws and rules governing the forest surrounding the cabin had changed since Curtis was last there. Private vehicles were no longer permitted due to the struggling colonising species. Curtis had apologised, even suggesting they could go elsewhere, but the seclusion sounded heavenly compared to both Daibazaal and Erathus. Slightly in trouble with the coalition, Shiro had been forced to stay at the Garrison while he and Curtis went on ahead, Curtis had gone to hug him, but Shiro had told him not to. When they were finally alone, Curtis had asked, ensuring that Shiro wasn’t overreacting. With Kosmo’s help, Lance tidied up the sofa in the living area of the cabin. It was far bigger than he’d thought it would be, and while “rustic” on the outside, it was “rich rustic” on the inside. Meaning taxidermy on the walls with beady eyes staring down at him from every direction, a ridiculously huge TV over the cobbled fireplace that didn’t pick up standard TV channels. Macrame and bits of fluffy weaving stuff that had long gone out of trend hung in the cabins lone connecting hallway, seeing it was a one level structure with three steps to its name, everything was easily accessible, yet despite the options, he was making himself comfortable in the living area in the hopes of falling asleep before Curtis came back. His medication had been kicking his arse as hard as his depression. At the time he would have agreed to anything, feeling reckless and unwanted, he’d gone through with having the surgery. The first attempted was cancelled before it’d even started. He’d been numbed from the waist down, needing to be awake and talking during the procedure, only his heart rate had spiked and he’d had a massive seizure, postponing the operation until he’d recovered and been cleaned from throwing up across himself during the seizure. Offered a medication that would prevent his seizures and wouldn’t require taking it daily, he’d had a slow release capsule implanted in the back of his neck. The side effects hadn’t kicked in immediately, though the side effects were due to him in their entirety. He’d slipped in a moment of stupidness. When he’d realised that there was now less than a month left until Keith’s birthday, he’d gotten high. Ridiculously and stupidly high. Buckling under the pressure of the rising feeling that Keith wouldn’t wake in time to be there when his sons were born. He’d regretted it the moment he’d reached the peak of his high, purging himself of the pills he’d stolen from storage. He’d been sick ever since, almost as sick from the medication as he was with the shame of slipping up. The next morning, when he’d stood behind his bar, his paranoia had whispered in his ear, telling him they all knew what he’d done. Lance had been sure he’d put on a pretty good performance of a man who had it together until then. He’d hid his tears, his his pain, and hid his instability the best he could. Kosmo kept him grounded when he could, until that seemed to stop helping. Propping himself up with another uncomfortable cushion, Kosmo nosed at Lance’s hand. Physical touch was uncomfortable. A psychosomatic result from being so uncomfortable in his own skin, and the feelings of being dirty and contaminated. As if him being used goods was to blame for Keith not waking up. The worst part was knowing he was being irrational, and knowing he was being so stupid, yet those feelings only grew and drove him to distance himself further. Distancing himself from his friends and family was the only thing he could do for them. Kosmo should have gone to Keith. Shiro could have taken him back, it annoyed him that he hadn’t. He hadn’t given up on Keith waking up. Each morning, or afternoon, he’d woken with the momentary hope that a message would have come through saying his precious husband was finally awake. After movements of waiting, Hope grew thin. When Shiro had woken him, he’d been so sure it was to tell him Keith was awake and that he was taking him to see him... not squirrelling him away to a cabin in the woods. Kosmo would love being able to explore, there was far more for him to explore here than at the outpost. There hadn’t been any campers when they’d arrived for him to terrorise, though there may be a few forest animals out there about to make a friend they didn’t want or need “‘m ok, boy. You go for a run... be ok” Nodding off the on the sofa, Lance was woken to the sound of the fire alarm going off. Curtis was swearing up a storm he didn’t know possible, while Kosmo had come back to the cabin and was now stretched out in front of the fireplace like he owned the place. Pinching his nose at the offending smell, it immediately started bleeding. He wasn’t sure if that was better or worse as he hefted himself to shuffle over to kitchen, ripping a piece of paper towel off the roll that was millimetres from the puddle of water left by half washed dishes Curtis had evicted out the way to drop a very burnt thing into the sink. Shaking his head, Curtis seemed to finally notice he was awake, jumping and smiling as a hand came up to scratch the back of his head “Sorry. Didn’t mean to wake you... It was going to be soup” Soup didn’t sound great. Nothing sounded appealing, but liquid were easier to get down. Plus, Curtis was making the effort. Lance didn’t... How the quiznak had Curtis managed to cremate soup? It was more embarrassing than Keith’s attempt at scrambled eggs. Soup. You poured it out the tin and heated it. Lance could see the tin sitting on the counter, so absolutely no real effort was required. Dabbing at his nose, the taste of blood was all too familiar “I talked to pharmacist about your throat, I wasn’t sure what to say but they recommended trying something warm to help. I’ve got you some liquid paracetamol too. You don’t need to take it if you don’t want to... I’ll try microwaving it” Coughing to try and clear the persistent lump in his throat, Lance was ready to go back to sleep. Curtis had gone to so much effort for him, he simply didn’t have the choice to say no to the painkiller or the soup. The burning scent in the air was starting to get to his, worsening the headache that continuously plagued him “I can... do it...” “No, no. I know you don’t know what to think of all of this, but I told Shiro I’d take good care of you. I should be able to rustle up dinner” Lance hung his head, feeling like a pet scolded by his master for something trivial. His actions causing Curtis to swear softly, before he turned to face him “That’s not what I meant. It is, in a way. Because I did tell Shiro that I would protect you, and take care of you. But, Lance I’m also here because I want to be. You have enough to worry about, I want to ease the burden on you. I want you to concentrate on working through and figuring out whatever it is that’s eating you up inside. I know it’s hard without Keith. I still can’t believe he hasn’t woken, but you’re not alone, here. You have me” “If I told you the truth, you’d leave me behind... Everyone leaves me behind. Marco couldn’t handle me, so he shoved me off onto Shiro who shoved me off onto you” “Your “truth” isn’t the only truth of the matter, Lance. You haven’t been shoved off onto me. Shiro and I were both looking for a way to take leave as it was. Unfortunately, he couldn’t. Otherwise he’d be here with us, or still by Keith’s side. If you’ve made a mistake, we can work on fixing it. If you want to go to Daibazaal, we can do that. I care about you and I care about Keith. I think you need to get whatever’s bothering you off your chest, and I’m not going to judge you for whatever that is. But before you do that, I want you to take some paracetamol for your throat. It sounds painful” “It is...” “Go sit back down. I’ll bring it over while I zap the soup. I’m not usually this bad in the kitchen... I just haven’t used the stove here in a very long time” Lance coughed as his snort stuck in his throat, with a few more words of explanation Lance was feeling less like a house pet, and maybe something more akin to friendship again. Testing his theory, he opted for teasing as he continued to cough “Mark of a true chef there, blaming the appliances” “Shush it, you. I’m not as skilled as Miriam at cooking, but I do know how to make scrambled eggs” A flicker of happiness fluttered through him, before his heart fell again. Although the cabin was nice, if he was going to be on Earth then he’d rather have been at Keith’s shack... There was something kind of nice about the place... even if it was tiny and isolated “That was Keith... He was trying to be romantic” “Ah. Well. I’m sorry, no romance from me, I’m afraid. Apparently no stove top heated soup either” “We’ll work on it...” “Sounds like a plan. Now sit, I can’t imagine being that pregnant is comfortable” “It’s not...” Waddling back to the sofa, Lance bit down his pain as he tried to get comfortable. Back pain while pregnant was a common thing, but his feet were tender and swollen on top of the sharp pain down the back of his left leg. Rubbing his stomach as he raised his legs, the twins were both moving. Their kicks strong against his skin. He’d made such a mess of things when it came to them, that he was sure he deserved them or their innocence. Bringing over the bottle of paracetamol, Curtis was staring at the box intently “It says two to three times a day... but it says nothing about food... if you feel sick from it, we might have to try after you eat something next time” Lance already knew it was fine without food... He didn’t want to take a painkillers if he could help it, but after his monumental fuck up, he was kind of sick of the chronic tenderness in his throat. Pouring out a dose into the small plastic cup that came with the bottle, Curtis sniffed at it “It’s supposed to be strawberry... smells more like cherry. Would orange have been better?” “It’s fine, thank you” Lance doubted it would stay down as it was. Food and water never wanted to. Not that he’d stopped trying. He’d stopped trying in front of the others because of how much they worried. He’d might have given up on himself, yet those constant niggling thoughts of his husband... he still tried, even a little, for the sake of his husband. Taking the medication cup, Lance grimaced at the taste. Not cherry and most certainly not strawberry, not that those flavours particularly went well with blood. Being a good patient, he followed it up with the water Curtis then offered. His sense of taste was completely wrong lately, even the consistency of things in his mouth felt off. Sticking his tongue out as he wrinkled his nose, he was done with the first mouthful of water “That bad? From what I remember as a kid, the tap water here wasn’t awful” “Mouth feels gross” “Has anyone taken a look?” Lance shook his head. Everyone was worried enough about him as it was “I’m no medical professional, but I can work the internet. Show me, and we’ll see if we can’t start working things out” Staring in his opened mouth, Curtis hummed like he knew what he was doing. Lance was sure his breath probably stank worse than coffee breath “It’s oral thrush. Shiro’s had oral thrush before, his was caused by being on antibiotics. I’m guessing it’s been here a while, your mouth looks pretty tender. I’ve got a friend of the family’s I can call. That’s assuming you don’t feel up to trekking back through the forest for a trip to hospital” Oral thrush made sense... he vaguely remembered something about it in Keith’s baby book... Or was that simply normal thrush... The book was somewhat scary. He had no idea you get thrush on your nipples... or in... or in other places other than that one place he didn’t have “Not really” “I don’t blame you. Right, soup’s going to have to wait until after I’ve made the call now. I need to let Shiro know too. He’ll worry if I don’t” “Over thrush?” “Over you. He hasn’t been handling Keith’s coma well. You should have seen him trying to secure permission to stay on Daibazaal longer. It wasn’t happening. The Coalition has been pushing a fair amount of work onto him, as well as Kolivan and Krolia. You should see little Korra... No. I need to make this phone call. With a little bit of luck we can get you something for that thrush tomorrow” Wandering off, Curtis went from the phone call, which he placed outside on the veranda, to cleaning the saucepan in the sink... then the rest of the kitchen. It wasn’t until he went to wipe out the microwave that he remembered he was supposed to be making dinner for both of them. Lance hadn’t minded him forgetting. When Curtis was busy, he hadn’t noticed that he’d crept from the living area to the bathroom to throw up... and pee. Pads had become his best friend in that department. Coughing and sneezing had become a nightmare, and although a catheter was annoying as quiznak, he wasn’t sure that he didn’t miss it. Found sitting on the toilet, prolonging the inevitable of having to get up, they were really going to need to set up some personal boundaries if he was going to survive “Space Dad 2.0”.

[lightlydream]

I missed this hellhole

I used to spend entire days, weeks, and months on this platform since I were attending high school, so according to my lack of mathematic skills... it sums up around 8 to 10 years. An important part of my identity was supported by anonymous interaction with living people (!) from every corner of this globe, yet sharing similiar fears and personal issues, hobbies and preferences, point of views about life and human needs.

Then the NSFW purge happened and I decided to flee to Twitter, without coming ever back there but for an instance in 2020. Was it worthy? I am kinda conflicted about the answer: I found amazing artists on Twitter as well, interesting profiles to get up-to-dated about social matters worldwide and some old cat memes, BUT also the very same toxic people harassing other utents according to their moral code and putting the latters' life in danger for the sake of "protecting children", "preserving the show X from weirdos", "fighting ßorn and abuse content producer", y'all know the shits. Yet a lot of Twitter profiles with ßorn GIFS and whatsover run rampant on the social, and you cannot be sure if the people there involved are legally adult, consenting to the sexual intercourse and to the implied distribuition on the World Wide Web.

Nowadays it seems like the adult population of the social networks, Tumblr included, is at the current risk of losing its once-a-time Internet space in the name of family-friendly Ads, politically correctness and censorship from several and different governments -mainly the US- . Internet was fucking built from adults for adults and I am not referring to fetish groups or veterans sharing propaganda agendas, but just to the opportunity for a commoning virtual democracy where everybody could enjoy the potential liberty to share and create so many interactions as much goods with the use of common "utensils" (language, shared values, open-source programs and more...), outside the "offline realm" and all the implied social rules 'n dogmas.

The more things seem to change, the more they stay the same.

I don't wanna talk further about it, rather I will try to explain shortly what happened to me in these last 3-4 years:

I worked until last summer (2018-21) as family entertainer in 4* Hotels in different touristic places in Italy, staying away from "home" for almost all the time;

Since I moved in Germany for the Erasmus+ Programme in Dresden, my goal was to keep studying further and get a Master Degree in Germany, thus I studied daily the language hard as much as I could...

AND because of my basic knowledge of German, soft-skills developed in some Erasmus+ like short programs in EU and the willingness to gain less than 1k monthly (in Italy NO ONE and I repeat- NO ONE under 35 yrs takes more than 1k pro month unless they're working at Amazon Warehouse or are lucky as fuck), I got the aforementioned job in the "Hotellerie";

Thanks to the little sum of money I hard collected in these last years, I managed to move in Germany as a student. It's real, I changed my future thanks to my own resolve.

I am really aware of my mental health, like, I was long-term depreßed, paranoid, and suic*dal as the danger to put an end to my own life, even before I would start living on my own, was concrete and tangible. I screamed for help to a therapist, which would advice me, to NOT book the flight toward Dresden at that time because my mind was too unstable, and I would have done something once for all times. I didn't listen to them and thus I saved myself. I had breakdowns, I cried on the streets in the mid of the night, I had panicked because of uncertainty, and my biological family would just make it all even worse; but I found it also, how much I lost in my youth and deserved to have a second chance to experience the world as a single human being, with a pumping heart and desired on their own. It did happen and I am so thankful to the friends who stayed close to me in those dark moments, as much as to myself, who allowed to try, fail, and try again anything I wanted to master, so that I could say at the end of the day "I learnt something new".

So now? I'm a broke italian student in Germany, with way too many experiences of any kind on their own behalf, I recognize myself as a woman (she/her) and dealing with my own internalized compulsory heterosexuality (am I ENOUGH bisexual? Can I call myself bi, if I never had ANY kind of relationship with anyone?), while trying my best to improve my surroundings and the people who are somehow connected with me. I have the power to do so, I'm now finally aware of it.

I am the protagonist of my own life, finally, and it's time to dance in this ballroom called "society".

So... expect some cat memes, pokèmons and brainstorming from this fool.

[generickpopurl]

I just had a panic attack in my bathroom at two am. Some background: My husband and I have been married for almost two years, and together for almost three, before we dated he was dating this one chick - we'll call her twat cause that's what she is - and they fought, all. The. Time. Over stupid things. And she didn't even live in the state anymore. So I would give him advice and woman's point of view on what she was mad about sometimes. Eventually they broke up but were still friends and apparently she made him promise he wouldn't stop talking to her (classic move for someone that wants a fall guy) but she would still get mad at him and argue with him. If he didn't text her back right away, if he didn't talk to her one day, shit like that. THEY WEREN'T EVEN TOGETHER ANYMORE. So I was like "yo she's using you you gotta cut her off or something" and he agreed and he told her so. Eventually we started dating and I made it VERY CLEAR that I was not comfortable with them having contact anymore if we were going to be a ring because I knew he still loved her and just, that's a shitty situation. And he agreed to not associate with her anymore. Fast forward about a year and him going into the Army and it's the day of our wedding. THE DAY OF OUR WEDDING. And I was using his phone (mine had gotten stolen a couple days before) and he gets a message on FB from her, the twat. So of course I was like "is this a new message or is it a continuation of a previous convo?" And open the message to see he had been talking to her randomly for the past couple months while he was in school. We had a huge fight about it, so big we literally didn't even know if we were going to continue with the wedding. We almost didn't get married because of this twat and my husbands dishonesty. We both cooled off and he apologized and recognized that he had fucked up and I watched him delete her off everything, social media and her phone number. We got married, obviously and everything was fine. Now back to today. I have anxiety and overthink A LOT of stuff so a lot of the time if I think he is being shady with his phone or something along those lines id blow it off to me overthinking because he wouldn't do anything right? So today I'm looking for a post on one of our friends page and for some reason couldn't get her page to come up so I went to our mutual friends and guess who I see, little miss twat waffle (literally I added her as a friend years ago to creep on her and keep tabs, I was under the impression I had deleted her in my last social media purge but apparently not). So there I am sitting in my bathroom just staring at the screen of my phone at this girls name and profile picture rethinking all the times in the past couple weeks that my husband had hidden his phone when he got a message or made sure to always place his phone screen side down on the table or couch or always made sure to walk away from our patio when outside on the phone (you can clearly hear anyone talking while they're on the patio even with the door closed). And I was literally frozen, my mind was reeling and going in so many different directions and speeds but my body literally. Would. Not. Move. My husband, even as I type this, is sleeping peacefully in our room, with our cat and dog on the floor next to the bed and all I can think about is; how long? How long has he been lying to me? How long was he going to continue doing so? How long did he think it would take me to find out? Does he care? Does he remember what we went through the day of that fight? How much I cried? How that was the first time I had ever had a panic attack in front of him? How I literally sat on my bed and cried as he walked out and I didn't know if he'd come back to fix what he broke? Does he think it's no big deal? Does he know how quickly every shred of trust I've ever had for him flew out the window? He obviously doesn't know how badly I want to wake him up and ask him all these questions that I don't even want to know the answers to. He doesn't know how shitty and obsolete or exhausting it is to go through a panic attack alone, over something someone you love with every fiber of your being did. It's now 2:30 and I'm still crying, my mind is still reeling and somehow trying to rationalize or find some stupid excuse to make myself feel better about it. And the sad part is, I'm also thinking of the argument that's going to occur if I actually bring this up to him. Will he try to rationalize it in some way? Will he have an excuse? Will he act remorseful? Will he mean it if he does? Or will he not care? Will he just brush it off and tell me I'm just looking for reasons to be hurt? Will he be angry at me for finding out? Will he say I was purposely looking for it? I can hear him snoring in our room from here. And it just makes me cry even more because I want SO BADLY to just forget about it all and go cuddle with him for the next couple hours till we have to be up to take him to work.

[thegfact0r]

Accutane and the Holy Grail

After a circumstantial cocktail of life stress and hormonal changes, my whole face broke out right after college ended. Like a welcome into the real world, which John Mayer says doesn’t exist but Paramore says does exist, and I would side somewhere in between the two.

And every day, the zits would be the first thing I saw in the morning and the last thing I saw at night, living in my parents house on LI and fervently job applying. I became addicted, in the moments between cover letters, to reading Reddit beauty forums. I thought that with enough research and crowdsourcing, I would eventually find the Holy Grail (HG in Reddit-speak) foundation to cover all of the sins happening on my face, or the HG cleanser/toner/mask/treatment to clear it all up. I lurked for months on the subreddits before dipping my toe in, commenting my woes and enabling other product junkies. I got hundreds of samples, acquired hundreds of dollars of bottles and jars, and applied every corrosive acid to my face that exists (in the name of giving myself a “peel”). And two years later, with a handful of prescription acne creams and birth control options under my belt, a Real World Job/move to the city, and a shame-tinged VIB Rouge account at Sephora, I realized that there was no such HG. In fact, my skin was worse.

There was no breakthrough moment, just an acceptance that I would have to finally pull out the big(gest) guns: Isotretinoin. AKA Accutane, but different brand names after a small fiasco in the 70s that I won’t get into because this will become a piece about hypochondria. As soon as I realized that I was going to go forth, I hopped onto the /r/Accutane subreddit, and found a group of ragtag acne-havers, mostly teenage boys who were in the throes of the drug and needed advice about moisturizers having never used it before. I laughed. And I commented before even having gotten my first scrip (“Don’t be afraid of oils! Jojoba is cheap, available at many grocery stores, and noncomedogenic! Hang in there!”).

Then, a few weeks into my 8-month course, I experienced the dreaded and hyped IB (Initial Breakout), which everyone commiserated about together. No makeup at all would stick to my skin, instead rising to the top of the topography map that was my face. I had to go to a work conference in DC, and had a panic attack in the bathroom of the Omni Shoreham hotel as I frantically rehydrated a beautyblender and tried to pat my Estée Lauder Doublewear foundation further into my face so it didn’t resemble cracking cement. 

There was never a more crucial time to find my HGs, though what was my HG now would most definitely not be my HG once my course was done. But for now, in the gross awful purging stages of the drug, I needed an HG body cream, HG sunscreen for running outside, HG sunscreen for layering with foundation, HG foundations in varying coverage levels, HG powders that didn’t dry me out, HG setting sprays, etc etc etc. Cover up the madness. Sometimes, like a diamond in the rough, I would find a post on /r/Accutane from a women around my age who wanted to know people’s beauty routines while on “the tane.” Commenters all swore by different things, with an underlying theme of “whatever you do, keep your skin hydrated.” I would hang onto every word, and fill Amazon carts with 8 different lip balms. And with so many amazing photo testimonies people would post, I knew this: one day in the next year, I would no longer need makeup at all. Makeup would be fun, not a chore. Makeup would be a choice.

The only real HG was the Accutane itself. Because, after the first month, before I could even choose between hydrating, medium coverage formulas (Nars Sheer Glow? Tarte Amazonian Clay?), the acne disappeared. All that was left was scarring, which was a hell of a lot easier to cover if I so chose, but also, not a big deal. For the first time in many years, I was not on a hunt for a product – I was focused on maintenance. I used a swipe of micellar water in the morning and some comfortably-rich Josie Maran SPF, which felt like a blanket of protection. Then, a small glug of cleansing oil at night followed by my beloved jojoba oil topped with Aquaphor. And to work, nothing but waterproof mascara (Full N Soft or Spider Lash depending on where I felt on the spectrum of natural to Twiggy.) Though my hip bones ached, my energy was lower, my eyes were always red, and my lips would physically peel off without hourly Aquaphor application, my mantra kept me sane. Take care of yourself, be nice to your skin. And, in the months that followed, that’s exactly what I did – and what I continue to do now that I’m freshly finished. Take care of yourself. And only buy shit that will truly aid in the process.

[tepoghrapchicalerror]

The Sax that didn't suck

It was already 7:30 Surprisingly, good songs were playing but I can't help to seem look at my phone every two seconds. It already been two hours since I wanted to book a ride. I made sure I got to finish what I have to and leave work on time so I wouldn't be late but then it was freaking Friday. The rain made even made it more impossible to get a ride. I was jittery, I cant help but become anxious. I tried relaxing but because of the iced coffee I drank, I got my nerves clicking. The only card I have left is too book a six-seater ride. I paused and thought of it a couple of more. And i said to myself, "what the fvck self, you gotta decide quick" and then with hesitations pushed aside, I finally got myself a ride to Kamuning. It was smooth ride, the car had a lot of room for it was a Mitsubishi Adventure. I just felt a little cringy when the driver gave me unsolicited advice about relationships-- apart from his misogynist remarks on women, he gave comments on how a girl like me should spend my Friday evenings with a weather like that and a classic one, he even asked me who I was going to meet at a very notorious place. I didn't wanna ruin my night so I decided to shrug everything off as after a few minutes, I finally saw the sign, "77 Bar and Cafe". The place looked much different on the outside facade  if I were to base on their photos on Zomato. But the rustic, almost barnyard look, with a little bit of chic look, I knew I made the right step.

I fixed my hair,l and held my shit together, took a deep breath and took my first step on the wooden staircase. It was put on my relief that there was a mezzanine before the main hall that got me extra seconds to compose myself for I was feeling a bit nervous. It smelled like worn and torn wood that have absorbed all the cigarette smoke puffed by people in the terraza. I took another breath, I hope the door wouldn't sound so creaky for I didn't want any attention. I only seen the place on photos I've scanned through on Zomato and I have never thought we'd be meeting here until that day.

I popped my head first to look. I scanned the area first to get a good view of the whole place, definitely warm but kinda put down with the music level they played but all good. After adapting to the environment, I finally looked at the left corner as how I was told. There's this anticipation of how the night shall start and how it will be but all that flush down when I saw a guy wearing a brown denim jacket sitting on a creaky metal chair. Judging by his back profile, I knew it was him, I knew that he would be good looking.

I didn't think, instead, I silently walked to where he was. I tried mustering all the alibi or prolly the opening line that would make him feel at ease or rather, I feel at ease. With a few seconds to spare, I glared at his side profile, then I got mini fluttery feeling inside me. He was wearing a close-to-disappointed face as he focused his attention on the bucket of San Miguel Pale Pilsen.

I almost got stuck then my mouth finally opened, "I'm so sorry I am late!" , as I draw close to the couch, I saw a bright smile welcome me. His hair was short but not too short. He have that 4 am shadow that accentuates hi jaw line even more. I can't help but stare at his pronounced nose and his glowing pair of eyes. Before I got myself drooling, I finally extended a hand, and said, "Josh right? Finally good to meet you." And he grabbed my right hand and responded wit a very nasally voice, "Nice to meet you, Steff". It seemed I was pretty cool on the outside but I was panicking on the inside! No one told me he'd be this cute in real life. I don't know where I get my punch lines but I had to crack something out to relax my capillaries. "My name isn't actually Steff, it's Godo." And he laughed, I laughed a bit knowing he got the joke.

What made me anxious wasn't really meeting him but actually the light beaming from a lamp clamp to the ceiling. It felt that my purging cheeks were under interrogation. After opening my first bottle of beer, I knew we had to transfer to the couch so I could be downright comfortable in dealing with this absurd situation. I tried bargaining with the waitress but unfortunately, business minds’ power took over and said all the couches were apparently, “reserved” which were all empty until we left at 2 am by the way.

I got a good view of how tall he was, kind of a 6, I also noticed he was wearing a sling bag that reminded me of one of my friends back in high school. This nerdy scene got me cringe a little on the inside for I thought he’s the just cool type of guy. And what I thought was a sliver necklace that trapped some of strands of hair. I honestly thought that he'd be more of a nerd than actually cool but I think I have to give him a chance. I asked to be excused, I wanted to see how I looked and calm the fuck down, I planned my next moves.

Judging by his back profile, I knew it was really him. I walked to where he was, I saw him staring at a bucket of San Mig Pale like a person who looks like who have been stood up. I felt somewhat guilty for being late even if he told me to stay calm and it wasn't any of our faults that the rain came to ruin what we have originally planned, at least just the meeting time at least. I quickly thought of what I would say to him first, I was shaking, I can feel my hyperhidrosis trying to betray me once again.

[nettvnow-blog]

Annie Howard & Betsy Lippitt | Detox

Ever felt like you needed a cleanse from whatever negativity invading your life? Well so did co-creators of Detox, Betsy Lippitt and Annie Howard. After launching an impressive Indiegogo campaign, the writing duo have raised over $15,000 with just two days left to meet their goal. Learn more about the LA web series, tips on crowdfunding and more.

netTVnow: I love the series’ playful attitude and it isn’t afraid to poke fun at trends like juicing. Where did the idea for the series come for?

Betsy Lippitt: I was driving home late one night and heard an interview with the author of the book Is Gwyneth Paltrow Wrong About Everything? It made me laugh at first, but then I got this sinking feeling I’ve been totally wrong about what my happiness looks like. I’ve always had this GOOPY vision of being happy riding a bicycle down a country lane with a basket full of flowers and freshly picked fruit. It’s this very visceral fantasy of a clean, simple, happy life. I’d been thinking that I had to strip all the complicated parts of my life down to find happiness. Purge my closets. Eat clean. Wear minimal make-up. Like this desperate search for happiness through minimalism. But life is actually pretty messy sometimes. Why can’t my messy side be fun and funny and bring me happiness? All this to say, I started thinking about this as a larger theme of what women today are dealing with. And we do some really funny shit thinking it’ll be “the thing” that’ll finally bring us peace. The series is really playful and fun and silly, but also digs into what women are up against in their lives. When I shared my thoughts with Annie, she was like yes! And we dove into writing.

Annie Howard: Betsy is always coming up with great ideas and together as a writing team we develop projects into places I can’t go on my own as a writer. Our joined philosophy from all our projects come from highly character driven narratives, which as actors we find the most compelling type of story-telling, where the characters, however flawed are always trying to do the best they can, which routinely falls short of being good enough for those they are closest to.

NTN: Tell us more about each of your industry backgrounds. Have either of you worked in web series before? What did you like most about it?

BL: I’m a trained actor, having studying at NYU and the Moscow Art Theater. Mostly, I’ve done theater and new plays. A few years ago I moved to LA to pursue film and TV. I’ve made some great short films and projects in my time here, in addition to an episode of The Middle on ABC. I only recently started getting into web series. I love how anything goes in a web series - the genre, the format, the circumstances. Literally, anything can happen when telling stories on the internet and I find that so exciting

AH: I’ve never written a web series before, it’s a format I’ve snobbily shy-ed away from through my years as a writer. I’ve written countless pilots for television, many screenplays, and a few plays, one acts and features. The majority of these are dark, character-driven dramas, that follow highly flawed but ultimately lovable characters. All of my stories focus on a female protagonist because I think the things that make women tick are nuanced, diverse yet ultimately universal. I continue to hear advice from artists I respect who have “made it,” and they continuously encourage aspiring filmmakers to create their own content, so after enough rejection and reaching new levels desperation and tenacity, this snob caved. 

NTN: What are you most looking forward to with bring Detox to life?

BL: Annie and I made a pact to be the kind of artists who don’t wait around, who make their dreams a reality. I can’t wait for the day when we get to sit back, watch the finished product, and be like wow. We kept our promise.

AH: Word.

NTN: What are both of your roles in the series?

BL * AH: We are both the co-creators, writers, producers, and stars of the series. We’re wearing every hat in our closet. It’s very GOOPY of us. It’s almost like we’re celebs creating a lifestyle brand and writing a book and designing a line of shoes. But for web series.

NTN: Can you describe your characters?

BL: I play Becca, a perfectionist who’s always gotten everything on her perfect timeline - entrance to a top law school, great career, loving husband, beautiful home. Now she wants a baby, but her uterus is not on board. Becca is fascinating because she’s very private. She doesn’t want people to know what’s going on with her so she has all these scenes where only she and the audience really know what’s going on with her. It’s a very intimate, realistic role that also has some really fun moments of breaking the tension with outrageous characters and situations 

AH: I play Delia, a woman very near and dear to my heart, who has a relatively stable life, but is really lonely. She thinks her loneliness will be remedied by having a committed romantic partner so she puts all her energy into trying to manipulate and control that aspect of her life, while also trying to find ways to maintain a healthy sex life as a single, but adult and consenting woman. Of course, she suffers from deep intimacy issues and her real problem is that she doesn’t fully know, love or appreciate herself, which is the ultimate root of her seeking a solution outside herself. All of our answers come from within, but unfortunately Delia is completely blind to this. 

NTN: In your campaign you mention that Becca’s character is going to go through issues conceiving, do you plan on exploring other sensitive topics of discussion in the series?

BL: Yes. The characters are real people dealing with normal human problems! Even though the series has a fun attitude and concept, we really don’t shy away from making it authentic.

NTN: Your funding campaign is impressive! What has that process been like for you?

BL: Whoosh. Lots of ups and downs. We started out with a bang. We were getting funding left and right and had so much momentum. Around the middle we started sweating because the contributions stopped rolling in. We hired this awesome dude, The Kickstarter Guy, who gave us really amazing tips, tricks, and coaching on how to maximize the last week of our campaign. And it’s working! We are really hopeful that we’ll reach our final goal.

AH: It’s been really not a great experience for me. I have a hard time being vulnerable with people I am tangentially close to. My close family and friends, no problem, and strangers are also really fun to be creatively vulnerable with, but it’s the Facebook level of intimacy people that I am terrified to expose my deepest desires to, which is of course to be a filmmaker with a relevant platform.

NTN: What are some tips you can give to other web series creators looking to fund their own series? What perks work best, what perks don’t?

BL & AH: Get a coach or a team member who has done this before. It’ll make all the difference. Also, do your research and plan out exactly what you’ll do & when for the entirety of the campaign. It sounds like a lot of work, and it is, but it’s way less than having to scramble during the campaign when you’re trying to do a million other things too. Perk-wise, don’t bother with a lot of physical swag like t-shirts or posters or whatever. Most normal people don’t actually care about that - they want an experience or access!

NTN: What do you like most about the web series community? What’s something you wish more people would know about web series?

AH & BL: Anything goes! It’s a scrappy, pull yourself up by the bootstraps kind of endeavor. We really admire people like Lucy Gillespie of Unicornland and Ben Sinclair & Katja Blichfeld of High Maintenance. They had amazing concepts and made something beautiful and real. Kate Berlant’s 555 on Vimeo is high quality, hilarious and quietly tragic. It’s inspiring to see people be the captains of their own destiny.

NTN: Any upcoming projects to share/anything else to add?

AH & BL :We have three more projects in development. We are currently reworking a series we’ve previously written, developing a new series, and re-writing a feature. We’re on a roll!

Follow Detox Facebook | Indiegogo | Twitter |

Follow Annie Howard Instagram |Twitter

Follow Betsy Lippitt Instagram | Twitter | Website

[dammitadolfnomorecake]

“Shiro, it’s Marco... We need to talk about Lance” Five simple words shouldn’t have had the effect they did on Shiro’s heart. Having delivered him to Erathus for his appointment, Lance had immediately sought out Marco as the two brothers stood holding each other in the crowded space port. Lance’s mind was all over the place, and if Shiro was honest he was glad Lance hadn’t talked to him since they’d left Krystaal’s cell. The man he saw as his younger brother had trampled all over his feelings with his declaration of Keith’s death, Shiro understanding where Krolia’s anger had come from with how certain Lance was that Keith was now lost to them. He’d hoped once his worry for his twins had been addressed, Lance would see that leaving Keith behind was a mistake. He’d even sat in his pod at the space station, waiting for news of the appointment on the off chance that Lance wanted a lift back to Daibazaal. He hadn’t. He hadn’t even told him that the he’d scheduled surgery in regards to his pregnancy. Maybe hiding the increased bleed from Lance hadn’t been the right call, but the whole situation was mess. Lance had been in and out of it for days as he’d fussed over Keith. Some days better than others until the fire inside of him seemed to fizzle out. That’s why he’d agreed to let him do this. To let him talk to his obstetrician. Krolia losing her temper at him had caused Lance to shut down further, it’d felt almost as if a stranger had been the one declaring Keith was dead. The way Lance carried himself with an air of indifference worried him. Then Daehra had called. Daehra was the one to inform him that Lance was having surgery and would be returning to outpost with them instead of Daibazaal. He’d been so tempted to ask to be there with Lance. He was attached to the two tiny lives growing inside of him, and he was sure he would have been just as attached if Keith hadn’t been the father. Without Keith, Lance seemed to give up far too quickly... and without Keith, Shiro didn’t know what to do for him. He wasn’t his lover, nor was he Lance’s husband. He was no longer sure of how he fitted into Lance’s life, especially when Lance broke contact with them. Now Marco was calling. Calling to inform him that something was wrong... How Shiro wished he hadn’t seen that coming. Kissing his forehead, Curtis gifted him with a soft smile. A smile of understanding. His boyfriend was devastated by what had happened that night. Worrying both for Lance, and for Keith when finally woke. It’d already been a little over a movement and half... no, two movements since Lance had left in the middle of the night. Hunk was devastated to find him gone without saying goodbye, but he also seemed to understand that Lance had only been getting worse in their care. Mouthing at him that he’d wait outside, Curtis’s soothing presence slipped from his side. As far as Shiro knew, Lance’s last contact had been to Curtis instead of him “Sorry, Marco. Curtis was giving us some privacy. How can I help you?” “Can we switch to video? I really need some advice” “Sure” The video connected, Marco looking exhausted as he ran a hand through his hair. When he’d embraced Lance, it’d been with a smile, now his lips were drawn into a thin line with deep black bags under his eyes “Thanks for taking the call. I didn’t know what to do” “What’s wrong?” Tilting the camera on the comms past himself, Shiro could see Kosmo laying next to what had to be Lance “Lance has relapsed hard. Daehra mentioned a similar thing happened when he found out he was pregnant and I was hoping you’d be able to tell me how you convinced him to... take care of himself” “What do you mean relapsed?” “Not the drugs, or alcohol. Not that I know of at any rate. He’s... he’s stopped eating, everything he was eating he was throwing back up, even the allergen free things. His nightmares are out of control. He’s been sleeping walking and having panic attacks when anyone gets too close to him. I walked in on him about a movement ago begging Allura to leave him alone. He was throwing up. I don’t know if he was nauseous or if he was purging. He won’t let anyone touch him, that causes him to panic. He seemed to be doing better when he was working the bar, but something snapped overnight. He won’t talk to any of us, now he just wants to sleep... I found him this morning with bleeding hands and no idea what happened. He was so confused as he stared down at them. It was as if he had no memory of cutting them. Daehra was able to patch him up after he fainted from the blood. We’ve done a clean through of his room. Kosmos been teleporting me in every time he seems to think Lance is upset. He was managing to pull himself back from his panic attacks. We did have to tie him up after he tried to go a customer, not that that did anything. Kosmo. Not Lance. Lance is way too attached to his bar. He won’t listen to anyone other than Lance” Shiro took a slow deep breath through his nose, as he closed his eyes. The outpost was supposed to be good for Lance’s mental health. He’d thought he’d moved past these episodes. Releasing the breath as slowly as he’d drawn it, he opened his eyes again “How long has Lance been with you now? Times different over there” “Just on three and a half weeks... movements. Space time is movements... I think. Like I said, he was doing better, then all at once he relapsed. He’s my little brother. He might be a shit head, but that doesn’t mean I want him like this” “Keith still hasn’t woken. The last time he was like this, Keith was the one who brought him back. Curtis and I have both tried to push back returning to full time active duty, but with incident, the Coalition is still busy reviewing what happened and drawing up new stipulations to prevent it happening again. Have you tried talking to Veronica?” “She’s stuck in a hard place. Acxa agrees that Lance shouldn’t have left Daibazaal. Veronica wasn’t particularly pleased” “I know that much... but I don’t know how to help him. Mami insists he come home... I don’t think that would go over well with Luis and Rachel. Luis is shaken over this, while Rachel doesn’t know what to say. They’re both concerned about him. We’re all concerned about him, but he’s shut us all out” Shiro wasn’t supposed to be taking leave. The Coalition wanted to know his whereabouts at all time, lest he think of getting revenge for Keith’s current status... Still, he didn’t want to fail Lance again. He didn’t want to explain to Keith when he woke that Lance was gone, or that he’d lost the twins after coming so far. For Lance it approached 6 weeks that Keith had been unconscious. Maybe it wasn’t the right choice to let Lance be gone for so long? If he continued to stay at the outpost, they ran the risk of him going into labour before Keith woke. Keith and Lance would both be devastated if that happened. Both of them deserved happiness... “He can’t stay there. Something has obviously happened, and the longer he’s there is the longer he’s waiting for Keith to wake. Can you pack a bag for him. Include some baby clothes, blankets, whatever you think he’ll need, I’m going to organise a safe place for him to go until he gives birth” “Are you... will he...” The guilt on Marco’s face echoed how Shiro felt. Lance had returned “home”, pulled himself together, then suddenly fallen apart. He was hurting and there was no way he was going to let that continue. Marco felt as if he’d failed his brother, ill equipped to deal with Lance’s headspace. Not that anyone other than Keith seemed to be able to do or say the right things “He’ll be safe. I won’t bring him back here. He’d only spend all his time fussing over Keith if I did” Not that he knew where Lance would feel safe and comfortable. Shiro knew he wouldn’t be able to take the time off that Lance needed from him. This was... this was too big of a dilemma for him to handle alone. Curtis was also worried for Lance, and might just have the answer to the issue now at hand “I’ll be there within the varga” “Thanks, Shiro. See you soon” * Laying on his side of the bed he shared with Keith, Lance was sleeping when Shiro walked in to check on him. Talking with Curtis, they’d come to an agreement. Lance needed someone to be with him at all times, in a place that was safe and secure, and not Daibazaal, Erathus, Altea or the Outpost. Taking a leave of absence due to mental health, Curtis would be taking Lance to the cabin they’d intended to spend Christmas at. Curtis was now briefing Lance’s team, leaving him to organise Lance. Squatting down, Shiro’s knees cracked in protest, Kosmo raising his head off Lance’s hip to bare his teeth. Reaching his robotic hand out, Shiro let Kosmo sniff at him “It’s ok, boy. I’m not going to hurt him. He’s not doing so well, so I’m taking him back to Earth” Kosmo continues to stare at him, his black eyes locked firmed on Shiro’s own “Keith hasn’t woken yet. I promise you I would have called if he had” Huffing, Kosmo settled back down against Lance. Over their time apart, Lance’s stomach had swelled rapidly, almost painfully from the look of the size. He wasn’t sure how far long ago, only that it was September on Earth now, where Lance had fallen pregnant in April. With a soft mumble, Lance’s hand slipped to his belly as he woke. Both of them shocked to find each other staring at them “Hey, kiddo. I heard you haven’t been feeling that great” His words overlapped Lance’s rasp, hope filled Lance’s face as he stared across at him “Is Keith awake?” “Sorry, no. Curtis got some time off work and wondered if you’d like to head to Earth for a bit” Shifting with a grunt, Lance slowly went about drawing himself up to sitting, coughing as he did “Whoa. Easy there. There’s no need to rush” “Sorry... hurts to talk” With space cleared, Shiro’s knees protested as he moved to sit on the edge of the bed “Yeah? Marco said you’d been a bit down” “I heard him...” Coughing again, one hand remained on Lance’s stomach as the other moved to massage his throat. For someone unresponsive and panicking at every turn, Lance was much more together than he’d thought “Sorry... my throat’s sore” “Want to tell me about it?” “Meds” Shiro raised an eyebrow “You’re on new medication?” Nodding, Lance released his throat to reach for the glass of water on the bedside table. Wet with condensation it slipped through his fingers, spilling on Lance’s pillow and causing tears to immediately well in Lance’s eyes. Retrieving the half spilt glass, Shiro held it so Lance could take a sip, before shaking his head “No more” “Are you sure?” “Meds make things gross” It clicked into place in his mind. Lance was trying to avoid the things that made the side effects of his medication worse, taking it far enough to avoid eating and drinking because of it “Your medication’s changed how things taste?” “Mmm... so Marco called you because he finally gave up?” “No, Marco called me because he was scared for you. He said you’d been feeling pretty down” “Tired... I feel tired” “He also said you haven’t been eating or talking” “Makes me vomit” “Did you ask Daehra?” “Hurts too much” Shiro wasn’t sure that Lance didn’t mean it physically hurt too much. His voice sounded wrecked, his discomfort clear “We packed a bag for you. If you still want to go. It’s the cabin we were going to spend Christmas in, so it’s quiet. There aren’t any noisy neighbours in the area... Lance, what happened? Why didn’t you tell me you were going to have surgery?” “You had enough to worry about” “I’m still going to worry about you. You’re my friend. Everyone here’s worried about you. Marco mentioned you hurt yourself and that... that you saw Allura again? It all started about a movement ago? Does that sound right?” Lance’s bottom lip quivered, Shiro going to hug the smaller male, only for Lance to flinch away. It hurt. Lance’s rejection hurt, but he knew how unpleasant touch could be when you were struggling “She won’t leave me alone... I keep dreaming of her killing Keith” “Oh” What a stupid thing to say. Lance needed reassurance, not him stupidly uttering vowels. Did that mean Lance wasn’t hallucinating her again, and instead disorientated from his nightmares? With his free hand, Lance started rubbing at his eyes. He looked miserably, he also looked uncomfortably thin and drawn out, as if he’d been fighting non stop since they’d parted “Would it be easier to talk by comms if your throat hurts?” “Headache... screens are bad too” “Lance, if your medication is making you feel this bad, then maybe it’s better you’re not taking it” “Have to... just a little longer...” “If you talked to Daehra...” “Stop it. You’re doing it again. I have to have my meds, my doctor said... I didn’t come home to be smothered” Lance was running out of steam, his already light voice was practically gone again “No. I thought you coming back here would be good for you. Instead you’re sick and refusing help” “Only for a little longer... I can make it a little longer...” Kosmo whined, pawing lightly on Lance’s hand mere ticks before Lance’s nose began bleeding. Both of them reached for the tissues, Lance hissing as Shiro’s hand bumped his, Shiro withdrawing so Lance could grab a couple of tissues to press to his nose “Medication?” Throwing it out there, he mentally sighed as Lance nodded. Whatever Lance was taking wasn’t any good for him. He didn’t understand why he’d be taking it with so many side effects “At least let me see the bottle? Maybe I can find out more?” “Internal dispenser. Dissolves when empty” That sounded alarming. He didn’t know Lance’s obstetrician, and sure, Keith and Lance had both liked them, but they were still a stranger at the end of the day “What do you mean?” Lance opened his mouth, only for nothing to come out. Mopping at his bleeding nose, the light in his eyes seemed to dim again “Alright. But I’m going to need to tell Curtis he’s going to have to monitor your condition. He’s letting the others know you’re coming with us back to Earth” Another nod came. This “drop” wasn’t as bad as the one Lance’d experienced after finding out he was pregnant, yet in some ways it felt worse. Lance was doing whatever it was to himself to keep the twins safe, prioritising them over his own health. Though he didn’t know how, he was going to need to contact Lance’s obstetrician and find out what the quiznak Lance had in his system to make him so ill. Plucking the bloodied tissues out Lance’s hand as he “studied” them, they’d be coming home with him to be analysed. Daehra surely had to have answers too, but whether she’d tell him was another story. He’d shown up from nowhere with his boyfriend to take her team leader away, and not for the first time “It looks your nose has stopped bleeding. Can you walk, or do you need help?” Answered with a firm shake of his head, Shiro sighed to himself. Keith may have thought himself terrible at helping Lance in their daily lives, yet here he was, failing miserably and projecting his worries back onto Lance as he’d done on Daibazaal. He’d had time to think about how all of them had treated Lance, none of them realising how belittling their fussing must have been for him. Lance dressed himself slowly, Shiro watching from the corner of his eye. His gravid stomach crossed with stretch marks, like scratches across his soft brown skin. His breasts heavy, as he struggled with his bra. Lance’s pregnancy was an amazing thing, yet seeing him this heavily pregnant stirred up the same feelings of jealousy he’d felt when he’d first heard Lance was pregnant. Curtis would be spending weeks with him on Earth... He couldn’t give Curtis this... and Keith was missing out on this experience, while he’d been with Lance since the moment he’d found out... He wasn’t sure how to describe what the agitation he felt was, as agitation wasn’t the right word. The twins were his godchildren, Keith trusting him and Curtis to guide them and Lance. He’d had months to adjust to the change, he had no reason to be feeling like this, after all, he wouldn’t change places with Lance, not when his pregnancy had been so hard and complicated... So why did he wonder what it would have been like for him? Why did he feel it would have been easier for him, or Curtis, than for Lance? Though he hadn’t said any of this out loud, he felt as if he was badmouthing Lance mentally. Lance was strong. He knew how strong he was, Shiro had no right to be looking down at him. Tugging his shirt into place, Lance paused then grabbed one of Keith’s jackets from their wardrobe, his voice the same low roughness that he was going to have to adjust to, and remember when he checked in with him in the future “Let’s go” * The cabin was nice for a prison cell. Lance knew he was being a burden on his friends and family, but now he’d been upgraded and evicted, to the middle of nowhere... A nowhere place that was annoyingly nice. Curtis’s family cabin was an hours long hike from the closest campground. The laws and rules governing the forest surrounding the cabin had changed since Curtis was last there. Private vehicles were no longer permitted due to the struggling colonising species. Curtis had apologised, even suggesting they could go elsewhere, but the seclusion sounded heavenly compared to both Daibazaal and Erathus. Slightly in trouble with the coalition, Shiro had been forced to stay at the Garrison while he and Curtis went on ahead, Curtis had gone to hug him, but Shiro had told him not to. When they were finally alone, Curtis had asked, ensuring that Shiro wasn’t overreacting. With Kosmo’s help, Lance tidied up the sofa in the living area of the cabin. It was far bigger than he’d thought it would be, and while “rustic” on the outside, it was “rich rustic” on the inside. Meaning taxidermy on the walls with beady eyes staring down at him from every direction, a ridiculously huge TV over the cobbled fireplace that didn’t pick up standard TV channels. Macrame and bits of fluffy weaving stuff that had long gone out of trend hung in the cabins lone connecting hallway, seeing it was a one level structure with three steps to its name, everything was easily accessible, yet despite the options, he was making himself comfortable in the living area in the hopes of falling asleep before Curtis came back. His medication had been kicking his arse as hard as his depression. At the time he would have agreed to anything, feeling reckless and unwanted, he’d gone through with having the surgery. The first attempted was cancelled before it’d even started. He’d been numbed from the waist down, needing to be awake and talking during the procedure, only his heart rate had spiked and he’d had a massive seizure, postponing the operation until he’d recovered and been cleaned from throwing up across himself during the seizure. Offered a medication that would prevent his seizures and wouldn’t require taking it daily, he’d had a slow release capsule implanted in the back of his neck. The side effects hadn’t kicked in immediately, though the side effects were due to him in their entirety. He’d slipped in a moment of stupidness. When he’d realised that there was now less than a month left until Keith’s birthday, he’d gotten high. Ridiculously and stupidly high. Buckling under the pressure of the rising feeling that Keith wouldn’t wake in time to be there when his sons were born. He’d regretted it the moment he’d reached the peak of his high, purging himself of the pills he’d stolen from storage. He’d been sick ever since, almost as sick from the medication as he was with the shame of slipping up. The next morning, when he’d stood behind his bar, his paranoia had whispered in his ear, telling him they all knew what he’d done. Lance had been sure he’d put on a pretty good performance of a man who had it together until then. He’d hid his tears, his his pain, and hid his instability the best he could. Kosmo kept him grounded when he could, until that seemed to stop helping. Propping himself up with another uncomfortable cushion, Kosmo nosed at Lance’s hand. Physical touch was uncomfortable. A psychosomatic result from being so uncomfortable in his own skin, and the feelings of being dirty and contaminated. As if him being used goods was to blame for Keith not waking up. The worst part was knowing he was being irrational, and knowing he was being so stupid, yet those feelings only grew and drove him to distance himself further. Distancing himself from his friends and family was the only thing he could do for them. Kosmo should have gone to Keith. Shiro could have taken him back, it annoyed him that he hadn’t. He hadn’t given up on Keith waking up. Each morning, or afternoon, he’d woken with the momentary hope that a message would have come through saying his precious husband was finally awake. After movements of waiting, Hope grew thin. When Shiro had woken him, he’d been so sure it was to tell him Keith was awake and that he was taking him to see him... not squirrelling him away to a cabin in the woods. Kosmo would love being able to explore, there was far more for him to explore here than at the outpost. There hadn’t been any campers when they’d arrived for him to terrorise, though there may be a few forest animals out there about to make a friend they didn’t want or need “‘m ok, boy. You go for a run... be ok” Nodding off the on the sofa, Lance was woken to the sound of the fire alarm going off. Curtis was swearing up a storm he didn’t know possible, while Kosmo had come back to the cabin and was now stretched out in front of the fireplace like he owned the place. Pinching his nose at the offending smell, it immediately started bleeding. He wasn’t sure if that was better or worse as he hefted himself to shuffle over to kitchen, ripping a piece of paper towel off the roll that was millimetres from the puddle of water left by half washed dishes Curtis had evicted out the way to drop a very burnt thing into the sink. Shaking his head, Curtis seemed to finally notice he was awake, jumping and smiling as a hand came up to scratch the back of his head “Sorry. Didn’t mean to wake you... It was going to be soup” Soup didn’t sound great. Nothing sounded appealing, but liquid were easier to get down. Plus, Curtis was making the effort. Lance didn’t... How the quiznak had Curtis managed to cremate soup? It was more embarrassing than Keith’s attempt at scrambled eggs. Soup. You poured it out the tin and heated it. Lance could see the tin sitting on the counter, so absolutely no real effort was required. Dabbing at his nose, the taste of blood was all too familiar “I talked to pharmacist about your throat, I wasn’t sure what to say but they recommended trying something warm to help. I’ve got you some liquid paracetamol too. You don’t need to take it if you don’t want to... I’ll try microwaving it” Coughing to try and clear the persistent lump in his throat, Lance was ready to go back to sleep. Curtis had gone to so much effort for him, he simply didn’t have the choice to say no to the painkiller or the soup “I can...

[dammitadolfnomorecake]

I’m having the struggle peeps. Do I keep this as a tiny Shiro POV, or do I expand with Lance’s POV on the end

“Shiro, it’s Marco... We need to talk about Lance” Five simple words shouldn’t have had the effect they did on Shiro’s heart. Having delivered him to Erathus for his appointment, Lance had immediately sought out Marco as the two brothers stood holding each other in the crowded space port. Lance’s mind was all over the place, and if Shiro was honest he was glad Lance hadn’t talked to him since they’d left Krystaal’s cell. The man he saw as his younger brother had trampled all over his feelings with his declaration of Keith’s death, Shiro understanding where Krolia’s anger had come from with how certain Lance was that Keith was now lost to them. He’d hoped once his worry for his twins had been addressed, Lance would see that leaving Keith behind was a mistake. He’d even sat in his pod at the space station, waiting for news of the appointment on the off chance that Lance wanted a lift back to Daibazaal. He hadn’t. He hadn’t even told him that the he’d scheduled surgery in regards to his pregnancy. Maybe hiding the increased bleed from Lance hadn’t been the right call, but the whole situation was mess. Lance had been in and out of it for days as he’d fussed over Keith. Some days better than others until the fire inside of him seemed to fizzle out. That’s why he’d agreed to let him do this. To let him talk to his obstetrician. Krolia losing her temper at him had caused Lance to shut down further, it’d felt almost as if a stranger had been the one declaring Keith was dead. The way Lance carried himself with an air of indifference worried him. Then Daehra had called. Daehra was the one to inform him that Lance was having surgery and would be returning to outpost with them instead of Daibazaal. He’d been so tempted to ask to be there with Lance. He was attached to the two tiny lives growing inside of him, and he was sure he would have been just as attached if Keith hadn’t been the father. Without Keith, Lance seemed to give up far too quickly... and without Keith, Shiro didn’t know what to do for him. He wasn’t his lover, nor was he Lance’s husband. He was no longer sure of how he fitted into Lance’s life, especially when Lance broke contact with them. Now Marco was calling. Calling to inform him that something was wrong... How Shiro wished he hadn’t seen that coming. Kissing his forehead, Curtis gifted him with a soft smile. A smile of understanding. His boyfriend was devastated by what had happened that night. Worrying both for Lance, and for Keith when finally woke. It’d already been a little over a movement and half... no, two movements since Lance had left in the middle of the night. Hunk was devastated to find him gone without saying goodbye, but he also seemed to understand that Lance had only been getting worse in their care. Mouthing at him that he’d wait outside, Curtis’s soothing presence slipped from his side. As far as Shiro knew, Lance’s last contact had been to Curtis instead of him “Sorry, Marco. Curtis was giving us some privacy. How can I help you?” “Can we switch to video? I really need some advice” “Sure” The video connected, Marco looking exhausted as he ran a hand through his hair. When he’d embraced Lance, it’d been with a smile, now his lips were drawn into a thin line with deep black bags under his eyes “Thanks for taking the call. I didn’t know what to do” “What’s wrong?” Tilting the camera on the comms past himself, Shiro could see Kosmo laying next to what had to be Lance “Lance has relapsed hard. Daehra mentioned a similar thing happened when he found out he was pregnant and I was hoping you’d be able to tell me how you convinced him to... take care of himself” “What do you mean relapsed?” “Not the drugs, or alcohol. Not that I know of at any rate. He’s... he’s stopped eating, everything he was eating he was throwing back up, even the allergen free things. His nightmares are out of control. He’s been sleeping walking and having panic attacks when anyone gets too close to him. I walked in on him about a movement ago begging Allura to leave him alone. He was throwing up. I don’t know if he was nauseous or if he was purging. He won’t let anyone touch him, that causes him to panic. He seemed to be doing better when he was working the bar, but something snapped overnight. He won’t talk to any of us, now he just wants to sleep... I found him this morning with bleeding hands and no idea what happened. He was so confused as he stared down at them. It was as if he had no memory of cutting them. Daehra was able to patch him up after he fainted from the blood. We’ve done a clean through of his room. Kosmos been teleporting me in every time he seems to think Lance is upset. He was managing to pull himself back from his panic attacks. We did have to tie him up after he tried to go a customer, not that that did anything. Kosmo. Not Lance. Lance is way too attached to his bar. He won’t listen to anyone other than Lance” Shiro took a slow deep breath through his nose, as he closed his eyes. The outpost was supposed to be good for Lance’s mental health. He’d thought he’d moved past these episodes. Releasing the breath as slowly as he’d drawn it, he opened his eyes again “How long has Lance been with you now? Times different over there” “Just on three and a half weeks... movements. Space time is movements... I think. Like I said, he was doing better, then all at once he relapsed. He’s my little brother. He might be a shit head, but that doesn’t mean I want him like this” “Keith still hasn’t woken. The last time he was like this, Keith was the one who brought him back. Curtis and I have both tried to push back returning to full time active duty, but with incident, the Coalition is still busy reviewing what happened and drawing up new stipulations to prevent it happening again. Have you tried talking to Veronica?” “She’s stuck in a hard place. Acxa agrees that Lance shouldn’t have left Daibazaal. Veronica wasn’t particularly pleased” “I know that much... but I don’t know how to help him. Mami insists he come home... I don’t think that would go over well with Luis and Rachel. Luis is shaken over this, while Rachel doesn’t know what to say. They’re both concerned about him. We’re all concerned about him, but he’s shut us all out” Shiro wasn’t supposed to be taking leave. The Coalition wanted to know his whereabouts at all time, lest he think of getting revenge for Keith’s current status... Still, he didn’t want to fail Lance again. He didn’t want to explain to Keith when he woke that Lance was gone, or that he’d lost the twins after coming so far. For Lance it approached 6 weeks that Keith had been unconscious. Maybe it wasn’t the right choice to let Lance be gone for so long? If he continued to stay at the outpost, they ran the risk of him going into labour before Keith woke. Keith and Lance would both be devastated if that happened. Both of them deserved happiness... “He can’t stay there. Something has obviously happened, and the longer he’s there is the longer he’s waiting for Keith to wake. Can you pack a bag for him. Include some baby clothes, blankets, whatever you think he’ll need, I’m going to organise a safe place for him to go until he gives birth” “Are you... will he...” The guilt on Marco’s face echoed how Shiro felt. Lance had returned “home”, pulled himself together, then suddenly fallen apart. He was hurting and there was no way he was going to let that continue. Marco felt as if he’d failed his brother, ill equipped to deal with Lance’s headspace. Not that anyone other than Keith seemed to be able to do or say the right things “He’ll be safe. I won’t bring him back here. He’d only spend all his time fussing over Keith if I did” Not that he knew where Lance would feel safe and comfortable. Shiro knew he wouldn’t be able to take the time off that Lance needed from him. This was... this was too big of a dilemma for him to handle alone. Curtis was also worried for Lance, and might just have the answer to the issue now at hand “I’ll be there within the varga” “Thanks, Shiro. See you soon” * Laying on his side of the bed he shared with Keith, Lance was sleeping when Shiro walked in to check on him. Talking with Curtis, they’d come to an agreement. Lance needed someone to be with him at all times, in a place that was safe and secure, and not Daibazaal, Erathus, Altea or the Outpost. Taking a leave of absence due to mental health, Curtis would be taking Lance to the cabin they’d intended to spend Christmas at. Curtis was now briefing Lance’s team, leaving him to organise Lance. Squatting down, Shiro’s knees cracked in protest, Kosmo raising his head off Lance’s hip to bare his teeth. Reaching his robotic hand out, Shiro let Kosmo sniff at him “It’s ok, boy. I’m not going to hurt him. He’s not doing so well, so I’m taking him back to Earth” Kosmo continues to stare at him, his black eyes locked firmed on Shiro’s own “Keith hasn’t woken yet. I promise you I would have called if he had” Huffing, Kosmo settled back down against Lance. Over their time apart, Lance’s stomach had swelled rapidly, almost painfully from the look of the size. He wasn’t sure how far long ago, only that it was September on Earth now, where Lance had fallen pregnant in April. With a soft mumble, Lance’s hand slipped to his belly as he woke. Both of them shocked to find each other staring at them “Hey, kiddo. I heard you haven’t been feeling that great” His words overlapped Lance’s rasp, hope filled Lance’s face as he stared across at him “Is Keith awake?” “Sorry, no. Curtis got some time off work and wondered if you’d like to head to Earth for a bit” Shifting with a grunt, Lance slowly went about drawing himself up to sitting, coughing as he did “Whoa. Easy there. There’s no need to rush” “Sorry... hurts to talk” With space cleared, Shiro’s knees protested as he moved to sit on the edge of the bed “Yeah? Marco said you’d been a bit down” “I heard him...” Coughing again, one hand remained on Lance’s stomach as the other moved to massage his throat. For someone unresponsive and panicking at every turn, Lance was much more together than he’d thought “Sorry... my throat’s sore” “Want to tell me about it?” “Meds” Shiro raised an eyebrow “You’re on new medication?” Nodding, Lance released his throat to reach for the glass of water on the bedside table. Wet with condensation it slipped through his fingers, spilling on Lance’s pillow and causing tears to immediately well in Lance’s eyes. Retrieving the half spilt glass, Shiro held it so Lance could take a sip, before shaking his head “No more” “Are you sure?” “Meds make things gross” It clicked into place in his mind. Lance was trying to avoid the things that made the side effects of his medication worse, taking it far enough to avoid eating and drinking because of it “Your medication’s changed how things taste?” “Mmm... so Marco called you because he finally gave up?” “No, Marco called me because he was scared for you. He said you’d been feeling pretty down” “Tired... I feel tired” “He also said you haven’t been eating or talking” “Makes me vomit” “Did you ask Daehra?” “Hurts too much” Shiro wasn’t sure that Lance didn’t mean it physically hurt too much. His voice sounded wrecked, his discomfort clear “We packed a bag for you. If you still want to go. It’s the cabin we were going to spend Christmas in, so it’s quiet. There aren’t any noisy neighbours in the area... Lance, what happened? Why didn’t you tell me you were going to have surgery?” “You had enough to worry about” “I’m still going to worry about you. You’re my friend. Everyone here’s worried about you. Marco mentioned you hurt yourself and that... that you saw Allura again? It all started about a movement ago? Does that sound right?” Lance’s bottom lip quivered, Shiro going to hug the smaller male, only for Lance to flinch away. It hurt. Lance’s rejection hurt, but he knew how unpleasant touch could be when you were struggling “She won’t leave me alone... I keep dreaming of her killing Keith” “Oh” What a stupid thing to say. Lance needed reassurance, not him stupidly uttering vowels. Did that mean Lance wasn’t hallucinating her again, and instead disorientated from his nightmares? With his free hand, Lance started rubbing at his eyes. He looked miserably, he also looked uncomfortably thin and drawn out, as if he’d been fighting non stop since they’d parted “Would it be easier to talk by comms if your throat hurts?” “Headache... screens are bad too” “Lance, if your medication is making you feel this bad, then maybe it’s better you’re not taking it” “Have to... just a little longer...” “If you talked to Daehra...” “Stop it. You’re doing it again. I have to have my meds, my doctor said... I didn’t come home to be smothered” Lance was running out of steam, his already light voice was practically gone again “No. I thought you coming back here would be good for you. Instead you’re sick and refusing help” “Only for a little longer... I can make it a little longer...” Kosmo whined, pawing lightly on Lance’s hand mere ticks before Lance’s nose began bleeding. Both of them reached for the tissues, Lance hissing as Shiro’s hand bumped his, Shiro withdrawing so Lance could grab a couple of tissues to press to his nose “Medication?” Throwing it out there, he mentally sighed as Lance nodded. Whatever Lance was taking wasn’t any good for him. He didn’t understand why he’d be taking it with so many side effects “At least let me see the bottle? Maybe I can find out more?” “Internal dispenser. Dissolves when empty” That sounded alarming. He didn’t know Lance’s obstetrician, and sure, Keith and Lance had both liked them, but they were still a stranger at the end of the day “What do you mean?” Lance opened his mouth, only for nothing to come out. Mopping at his bleeding nose, the light in his eyes seemed to dim again “Alright. But I’m going to need to tell Curtis he’s going to have to monitor your condition. He’s letting the others know you’re coming with us back to Earth” Another nod came. This “drop” wasn’t as bad as the one Lance’d experienced after finding out he was pregnant, yet in some ways it felt worse. Lance was doing whatever it was to himself to keep the twins safe, prioritising them over his own health. Though he didn’t know how, he was going to need to contact Lance’s obstetrician and find out what the quiznak Lance had in his system to make him so ill. Plucking the bloodied tissues out Lance’s hand as he “studied” them, they’d be coming home with him to be analysed. Daehra surely had to have answers too, but whether she’d tell him was another story. He’d shown up from nowhere with his boyfriend to take her team leader away, and not for the first time “It looks your nose has stopped bleeding. Can you walk, or do you need help?” Answered with a firm shake of his head, Shiro sighed to himself. Keith may have thought himself terrible at helping Lance in their daily lives, yet here he was, failing miserably and projecting his worries back onto Lance as he’d done on Daibazaal. He’d had time to think about how all of them had treated Lance, none of them realising how belittling their fussing must have been for him. Lance dressed himself slowly, Shiro watching from the corner of his eye. His gravid stomach crossed with stretch marks, like scratches across his soft brown skin. His breasts heavy, as he struggled with his bra. Lance’s pregnancy was an amazing thing, yet seeing him this heavily pregnant stirred up the same feelings of jealousy he’d felt when he’d first heard Lance was pregnant. Curtis would be spending weeks with him on Earth... He couldn’t give Curtis this... and Keith was missing out on this experience, while he’d been with Lance since the moment he’d found out... He wasn’t sure how to describe what the agitation he felt was, as agitation wasn’t the right word. The twins were his godchildren, Keith trusting him and Curtis to guide them and Lance. He’d had months to adjust to the change, he had no reason to be feeling like this, after all, he wouldn’t change places with Lance, not when his pregnancy had been so hard and complicated... So why did he wonder what it would have been like for him? Why did he feel it would have been easier for him, or Curtis, than for Lance? Though he hadn’t said any of this out loud, he felt as if he was badmouthing Lance mentally. Lance was strong. He knew how strong he was, Shiro had no right to be looking down at him. Tugging his shirt into place, Lance paused then grabbed one of Keith’s jackets from their wardrobe, his voice the same low roughness that he was going to have to adjust to, and remember when he checked in with him in the future “Let’s go”

[dammitadolfnomorecake]

CSUAPR prt 46 start

“Shiro, it’s Marco... We need to talk about Lance” Five simple words shouldn’t have had the effect they did on Shiro’s heart. Having delivered him to Erathus for his appointment, Lance had immediately sought out Marco as the two brothers stood holding each other in the crowded space port. Lance’s mind was all over the place, and if Shiro was honest he was glad Lance hadn’t talked to him since they’d left Krystaal’s cell. The man he saw as his younger brother had trampled all over his feelings with his declaration of Keith’s death, Shiro understanding where Krolia’s anger had come from with how certain Lance was that Keith was now lost to them. He’d hoped once his worry for his twins had been addressed, Lance would see that leaving Keith behind was a mistake. He’d even sat in his pod at the space station, waiting for news of the appointment on the off chance that Lance wanted a lift back to Daibazaal. He hadn’t. He hadn’t even told him that the he’d scheduled surgery in regards to his pregnancy. Maybe hiding the increased bleed from Lance hadn’t been the right call, but the whole situation was mess. Lance had been in and out of it for days as he’d fussed over Keith. Some days better than others until the fire inside of him seemed to fizzle out. That’s why he’d agreed to let him do this. To let him talk to his obstetrician. Krolia losing her temper at him had caused Lance to shut down further, it’d felt almost as if a stranger had been the one declaring Keith was dead. The way Lance carried himself with an air of indifference worried him. Then Daehra had called. Daehra was the one to inform him that Lance was having surgery and would be returning to outpost with them instead of Daibazaal. He’d been so tempted to ask to be there with Lance. He was attached to the two tiny lives growing inside of him, and he was sure he would have been just as attached if Keith hadn’t been the father. Without Keith, Lance seemed to give up far too quickly... and without Keith, Shiro didn’t know what to do for him. He wasn’t his lover, nor was he Lance’s husband. He was no longer sure of how he fitted into Lance’s life, especially when Lance broke contact with them. Now Marco was calling. Calling to inform him that something was wrong... How Shiro wished he hadn’t seen that coming. Kissing his forehead, Curtis gifted him with a soft smile. A smile of understanding. His boyfriend was devastated by what had happened that night. Worrying both for Lance, and for Keith when finally woke. It’d already been a little over a movement and half... no, two movements since Lance had left in the middle of the night. Hunk was devastated to find him gone without saying goodbye, but he also seemed to understand that Lance had only been getting worse in their care. Mouthing at him that he’d wait outside, Curtis’s soothing presence slipped from his side. As far as Shiro knew, Lance’s last contact had been to Curtis instead of him “Sorry, Marco. Curtis was giving us some privacy. How can I help you?” “Can we switch to video? I really need some advice” “Sure” The video connected, Marco looking exhausted as he ran a hand through his hair. When he’d embraced Lance, it’d been with a smile, now his lips were drawn into a thin line with deep black bags under his eyes “Thanks for taking the call. I didn’t know what to do” “What’s wrong?” Tilting the camera on the comms past himself, Shiro could see Kosmo laying next to what had to be Lance “Lance has relapsed hard. Daehra mentioned a similar thing happened when he found out he was pregnant and I was hoping you’d be able to tell me how you convinced him to... take care of himself” “What do you mean relapsed?” “Not the drugs, or alcohol. Not that I know of at any rate. He’s... he’s stopped eating, everything he was eating he was throwing back up, even the allergen free things. His nightmares are out of control. He’s been sleeping walking and having panic attacks when anyone gets too close to him. I walked in on him about a movement ago begging Allura to leave him alone. He was throwing up. I don’t know if he was nauseous or if he was purging. He won’t let anyone touch him, that causes him to panic. He seemed to be doing better when he was working the bar, but something snapped overnight. He won’t talk to any of us, now he just wants to sleep... I found him this morning with bleeding hands and no idea what happened. He was so confused as he stared down at them. It was as if he had no memory of cutting them. Daehra was able to patch him up after he fainted from the blood. We’ve done a clean through of his room. Kosmos been teleporting me in every time he seems to think Lance is upset. He was managing to pull himself back from his panic attacks. We did have to tie him up after he tried to go a customer, not that that did anything. Kosmo. Not Lance. Lance is way too attached to his bar. He won’t listen to anyone other than Lance” Shiro took a slow deep breath through his nose, as he closed his eyes. The outpost was supposed to be good for Lance’s mental health. He’d thought he’d moved past these episodes. Releasing the breath as slowly as he’d drawn it, he opened his eyes again “How long has Lance been with you now? Times different over there” “Just on three and a half weeks... movements. Space time is movements... I think. Like I said, he was doing better, then all at once he relapsed. He’s my little brother. He might be a shit head, but that doesn’t mean I want him like this” “Keith still hasn’t woken. The last time he was like this, Keith was the one who brought him back. Curtis and I have both tried to push back returning to full time active duty, but with incident, the Coalition is still busy reviewing what happened and drawing up new stipulations to prevent it happening again. Have you tried talking to Veronica?” “She’s stuck in a hard place. Acxa agrees that Lance shouldn’t have left Daibazaal. Veronica wasn’t particularly pleased” “I know that much... but I don’t know how to help him. Mami insists he come home... I don’t think that would go over well with Luis and Rachel. Luis is shaken over this, while Rachel doesn’t know what to say. They’re both concerned about him. We’re all concerned about him, but he’s shut us all out” Shiro wasn’t supposed to be taking leave. The Coalition wanted to know his whereabouts at all time, lest he think of getting revenge for Keith’s current status... Still, he didn’t want to fail Lance again. He didn’t want to explain to Keith when he woke that Lance was gone, or that he’d lost the twins after coming so far. For Lance it approached 6 weeks that Keith had been unconscious. Maybe it wasn’t the right choice to let Lance be gone for so long? If he continued to stay at the outpost, they ran the risk of him going into labour before Keith woke. Keith and Lance would both be devastated if that happened. Both of them deserved happiness... “He can’t stay there. Something has obviously happened, and the longer he’s there is the longer he’s waiting for Keith to wake. Can you pack a bag for him. Include some baby clothes, blankets, whatever you think he’ll need, I’m going to organise a safe place for him to go until he gives birth” “Are you... will he...” The guilt on Marco’s face echoed how Shiro felt. Lance had returned “home”, pulled himself together, then suddenly fallen apart. He was hurting and there was no way he was going to let that continue. Marco felt as if he’d failed his brother, ill equipped to deal with Lance’s headspace. Not that anyone other than Keith seemed to be able to do or say the right things “He’ll be safe. I won’t bring him back here. He’d only spend all his time fussing over Keith if I did”