#just posting this because i am exhausted rn and cant draw

[sickfires]

little deercatdad i made for my website.

[antiradqueer]

To be honest I think it would be interesting if there were actual terms for things like "transcute" "transshy" or things like that because I feel like there are so many reasons why someone would want to have a certain personality that they don't have.

like for example (and that's definitely is not my own experience, never, how could it /j) someone with OCD or a personality disorder who feels like a "dirty" (immoral) person or is perceived that way but wishes they were seen and have a cuter personality, not just to be perceived as moral but because that is who that person should be and cannot do so due to disorders.

Of course, it is a very specific case and this term is not necessary at all, but I still see a cool use for a term like this. idk, I just think it would have some use that is not so bad as it is.

there is a term for it for people w/out disorders like that it its called "growing and changing as a person", its like the same as the trans-job n trans-artstyle and trans-fashion stuff, you dont need words for this kinda shit cus its literally just how shit works, you want a job, you want to learn to draw, etc. these arnt "trans" or "im transitioning" things. secondly the transcute stuff is definitely a self conscious thing, ive seen someone in our notes abt it iirc that talked abt transcute and transsmart etc. so if you see that post thats basically what i wanna say here.

the stuff for OCD or personality disorders i think labels like those shouldnt exist either bc to me that feels like its internalised ableism n hatered or straight up guilt over the people who demonise and hate people for those things, i dont think anyone with personality disorders or ocd or anything else should feel like that, i dont think terms for these things should exist because i feel it harms the one w/ the disorder and strengthens the people who think all of us are nutjobs who need to be locked in a hospital.

i can 100% see where youre comming from dont get me wrong. as someone whos got some ambiguous undiagnosed shit going on, people find me offputting, gross, strange, stupid, scary, and so on, for the ways that i act n the symptoms i show, i wish people saw past the symptoms and saw me differently, ofc you would want that to change and be perceived as nice or "normal" but i think it should be different because that fuels the hatered towards those things more, u shouldn't have to change or want to change because someone is making u guilty over something like OCD or a personality disorder. end of. you can feel guilty ofc, we all do, but we dont need to give in to what those people who want us to be "normal" or get chucked into a hospital til we are "normal" want.

thats just my 2 am just slept since like 6 pm brain tho lol, could word this far better but im too tired n just went through something today at school that i didnt think would happen ever in my life and i cant even get into on here but like yeah. take this rant with that little thought too, my brain is all kinds of exhausted rn...

[sneakyspades]

ok yknow what im just gonna straight up vent about work rn bc i ran out of tags on the other post

its become such a fucking shitshow down there jesus christ i cannot fucking stand it anymore. communication doesnt exist, i dont even remember the last time back of house had a fucking meeting. the owner pushed for us to stay open during a blizzard where it was a wind chill of -40. i mean holy fuck, the city said dont travel unless its an emergency

i had issues on sunday that i wasnt sure about, but our chef was out of town doing a show with his band, and our sous chef was sitting at the bar in the restaurant a good 5 or 6 beers deep by the time i ran into this problem. i asked the other supervisor (who agrees with me that this is a shitshow) and he wasnt sure either so we straight up guessed

i only make 15 an hour despite having been there for a whole fucking year, because i only get supervisor pay when im clocked in as supervisor. which is a measly 8 of my 40 hours. but god forbid i dont act like a supervisor for all 40 hours

insurance is unsustainably expensive there. my coworker who makes 13.50 an hour takes home *more than i do per paycheck* at this point. and he works 32 hours! i havent taken home more than 750 a pay check since getting insurance! i used to be grossing 1000! IM LITERALLY PAYING 175 DOLLARS EVERY PAY CHECK! AND THATS ABOUT TO GO UP TO ALMOST 180 WHEN I TURN 27! im not making any fucking money! im not getting any savings!

not to mention they fucked up my insurance not that long ago! i was told at the doctors office and the pharmacy that i had zero coverage! but they were still taking money from my fucking paycheck for it! like holy fuck i shouldve talked to goddamn lawyer about that instead of giving them the benefit of the doubt!

i was 110% fine with making 15 an hour and doing nothing but pizzas. because the trade off was that i could cut out early, i could trade shifts, if i got sick it wasnt fucking everyone else over. but now i cant do any of that. i have to close on saturdays, dont get home and in bed until 1:30 some nights, and then have to get up and go do a 10 hour shift every sunday. every weekend! every fucking weekend! and im the only one that does that anymore! im not the only one doing a double on sunday, but im the only one who has to close the night before. and because im just exhausted by the end of a sunday, my mondays are practically wasted because im catching up on sleep!

i like. cant fucking do this anymore. i cant think of any reason why im still there. i could go worl at fucking sams club in the bakery, start at the same wage (if not more), have *less* responsibilities, be doing something i want to do, and they close at 8 every day. i dont think theyre even open on sundays!

why am i still working there? its not sustainable for me anymore. my body is fucked. its falling apart ahead of schedule. i cant even open my door in the morning because of carpal tunnel. im 26 and when i crouch down i cant always get back up. the other night my ankle just started popping every time i turned around. what am i doing? what am i doing. i dont know.

i dont even have energy left over to draw. or make stained glass. or even do a discord call. the last time i had an actual date with my partner was, what, like 4 fucking months ago? i dont have any energy left over. im using it all for a place that i dont enjoy working at anymore, and i know i wont get better hours. our sous chef has been here since the place opened and he only has night shifts. the only day he doesnt is sunday. which is 8am to 3pm.

our new hire has sunday-monday off. why cant i have that? i want a weekend day off. its not gonna happen in this industry. its not gonna happen in this kitchen. i cant do this for the next however many years,

[ghost-of-the-machine]

i know i just said im not ashamed but im SO ASHAMED you have no idea. over what? it

i have this weird mindset where like. if someone gets to know me for one particular things, whether it be a specific fandom or even just DRAWING HUMANS, i feel like i can never ever share my other interests with them cuz.. what if they dont care? i wouldnt blame them i cant make anyone give a shit about what i do but. ITS TERRIFYING TO ME.. so i just avoid it but. its leaving me very.. unfulfilled? like HORRIBLY, ive set aside a lot of my other interests because im . i dont care what strangers think, fuck you suck my dick but. people i know? people im close with? i know why i do it, hes right it feels like a test and tests can go wrong!!!! what if i test the waters and its not received positively? i cant bear the thought of any part of me being unappealing to my loved ones, genuinely it keeps me up at night fearing that some small thing might just switch it all off overnight its the worst thing ever.

i know its not healthy to just... shove myself into this little box but in my head, thats why they want! in my head its a good thing, i need to keep myself presentable and perfect, as perfect as someone like me can get anyways

maybe thats why i feel like i dont exist without them? ive literally pushed away anything i think they WONT like or even wont care about, ive just.. dropped it all. fear, it just comes from fear, but whew!!!!! exhausting

im not proud of this, i wish that changing myself to fit what i THINK someone wants wouldnt come so naturally to me but it does, i wish my brain worked differently

i just. i need to LOOK OUT for myself. the worst pain i can experience is rejection, its amplified 10000% it feels like. i know ive said before id rather relive all my trauma than feel rejected at all, and thats still TRUE i cant handle it.. as unfortunate as it is, bpd just makes me sensitive. theres like no other way to word it, i am SENSITIVE my skin is fragile its made of glass, i cant take criticism even if its GOOD because it hurts me to think that something i did wasnt good enough, it makes me sick actually!! i need to protect myself, i need to hide the parts of me that could be damaged like that but.. hiding parts of yrself doesnt feel good, does it? im scared of that pain, i dont want to face it.. but it doesnt feel nice to lose myself cuz i think its what someone would want

in my head this is how it goes, i do something, its received poorly (rejected), ouch!!! first of all. second of all, rejection cracks my image, it opens me up to the possibility of being left behind. bpd is all about black and white thinking. the good is the best and the bad is the WORST. it feels shameful to admit how my brain works but it . its true, its the truth. if someone doesnt like something about me, even if its SMALL and they dont actually care, in my head it means they basically dont like me, they must hate me! they must hate me and theyre probably gonna leave me since theyre so disgusted with me for.. what? being a furry? yes!!!!!!!!!! it goes from 0-100 so fast, its scary

but.. i really DONT feel like i exist without them. if im not talking with them about our things, im working on my things they know and like alright im never really doing anything else anymore.. like. why am i so ashamed to just... be a human with interests? im scared, scared the smallest thing will just... take it all away from me, yknow? as much as id LOVE to ramble about my ocs and stuff that ive never really talked about, that shame persists. its too strong, i end up just deleting the post or hiding it in drafts, i cant bring myself to share because im scared

i know its really dumb but. its what we're working with rn!!!! mild disinterest = rejection = abandonment, what a vicious cycle!!! i get it now guys omg.... all the bpd girlies who mirror, i know i mirror too but i never really like. GOT IT until now, i mirror cuz im afraid to be something they wont like!!!! it is all so clear to me now. doesnt make it better but whatever. maybe ill be brave one day, but idk

[brilliantfantasticgeronimo]

ive been struggling to be more open about my life over here... beyond the sporadic gifsets of things im watching i cant really say ive shared much. but like, i cant keep on avoiding the mortifying ordeal of being known forever (also so much is going through my head all the time and i dont got anyone irl to vent so i gotta do it somewhere, even if it’s 2 the void) so here’s some life updates:

ive got a bunch of unfinished art i owe ppl so that’s what i’ve been trying to get through this past month....

...without much success, usually i come home so tired from school + work i cant be bothered to draw. this is the main thing im working hard about fixing rn. i have doodled more and have done some studies (haven’t posted them tho because i don’t feel great about them ugh)

one thing i’ve decided to try to see if it helps is regular exercise (in the form of solo capoeira training and trail running) + biphasic sleep schedule. in theory both of these things will give me the energy needed to draw... 

after / meanwhile tho, the fancomic project that ive been cooking for about a year-ish is still, at least, slowly progressing... i haven't posted anything about it (tho i have talked to some ppl about it privately ) but i might have to bc i know it’s only a matter of time before someone else does this idea, and i will be v pissed if that happens after i have spent so much creative energy on it lol

im currently on a research + outlining step of said project... these are   the books i’m plowing through, to give you a little idea of the (ridiculously bitting-more-than-she-can-chew) scope of the story sklajdksad)

national/regional/international politics are exhausting and draining as always (more than usual?) and tbh im sort of... actively tuning out of them atm. im trying to focus on “the big picture” so that means less time and mental energy for keeping track of whatever new apocalyptic headline crops up on the news. literally all my time reading, reflecting and studying is going toward collapse(tm) related literature and focused more on deep global issues and it is quite a lot of stuff to study, reflect and read,

(am i using all that as an excuse to not deal w/ the immediate surrounding? that might be part of it, perhaps... this is the only workable solution i have found that doesn’t involve weekly emotional breakdowns tho)

on that note, ive been using the ashes ashes podcast as a guideline for those studies. it’s great stuff and i highly recommend. the guys in charge of it are really nice, and the scope+breath of their research is impeccable. i’ve been telling everyone i meet about it bc it really has been a game-changer of a resouerce.

have felt very depressed at times for various reasons. some new, some not so new... not much to say in that area. v loneliness. much sad. whatevs

university and work were kicking my ass a couple weeks ago, but im getting them under control now (...i think). im getting a kind of ~synergy going too where im using knowledge learned in one place and applying it somewhere else

(like im learning sketchup for design class, but im hoping to later use it for making assets for the graphic designs at work. and the visual + communications stuff i have had to research for work is helping with both uni and my personal projects...)

arrowverse rewatch however is kicking my ass. and im only rlly watching supergirl + flash + batwoman ! but god. it’s literally.... endless... episodes.... if i have to hear another character say “no more secrets!” again im gonna flip

 my enthusiasm for crisis and stuff is making me soldier on tho. (as is my hyperfixation w/ supercorp that has even managed to lure a fellow nerd coworker into it lmao)

while on the topic of tv: i *am* keeping up with the last season of the good place... i haven’t felt the need to talk much about it tho bc i mostly just discuss it with one of my cousins (who is also watching ) and we got our own like little after-show routine where we discuss theories and stuff :)

im watching hdm when it repeats on hbo latam. it’s nice to watch on hd for once rather than crummy 120p streaming sites...

havent sat down to watch 7 worlds 1 planet fully yet but i did watch the first 10 minutes of ep 1: antarctic and predictably cried

[chaos-and-cookies]

I saw you posting some concerning shit, lately. Please stay alive and healthy. You're my weird Tumblr friend, I would miss you a lot of bad stuff happened to you

Aw friend, it's ok I'm not suicidal or anything I'm just going thru a lot of shit health wise, mentally and physically, and like I'm trying to get better and stay on top of everything and take care of myself but it's hard, especially today I had planned to do a bunch of things after I got home and took a quick nap but my back was literally in so much pain I ended up staying in bed for 4hrs rather than doing what I wanted/needed to do and its like.... yeah we all have our bad days here and there but with me it happens so often where I cant do things because my body is just so fucked up that it starts to get to you mentally too you know? No one wants to stay in bed all day everyday. Most ppl want to do the things they had planned to do but when ur own body is ur biggest draw back to getting things done and keeping a consistent life style its like.....its upsetting. And it's not just a day here or there its damn near everyday. I just want to get better.

And I thought I was getting better for a bit but recently it feels like I'm having another wave of depression trying to take over me yet again and normally it would be whatever, I'd get over it over time.... but now I'm in a relationship and I see him reguarly and I'm really trying not to fuck this up and push him away or lash out at him because ik how I can be when I'm depressed and ik how I end up basically putting myself in solitary confinement. And it's already been putting doubts in my head about my relationship and how I feel about him and everything and I KNOW it's the depression speaking but it speaks very loud and I really... really don't wanna fuck this up. I know he loves me and would never allow anything to break us up but at the same time... idk.

I know how bad I can get and that's why I'm REALLY trying to stay on top of it, get back into the habits I need to take care of myself like exercise and self care and getting out the house reguarly. I can't let myself get any worse, I just need to concentrate on getting better, not just for myself but for all the ppl who care about me. I don't see my friends often so I don't have to worry about pushing them away when I get depressive episodes and all my past relationships have been long distance so this is definitely different for me since I see my boyfriend multiple times a week and that's why I'm so scared of doing something wrong this time and why I need to get better before things get worse.

Sorry for the essay and public post of ur message btw (tldr?) but I just took this as a chance to say it publically that I'm not suicidal but I am going thru some shit rn and I'm just exhausted in every sense of the word, mentally, physically, and especially emotionally, and I'm worried about this particular wave of shit because I don't want to hurt the one person who loves me more than my own dog does so I'm trying to get better before I get any worse.

[animated-moon]

Good morning my little lamb! (Yes I saw the post, it was very helpful my moon <3) How were all of the movies I picked? You were able to watch almost all of them before falling asleep on my lap (you looked even more cute while doing so)

Oh don’t worry! I don’t particularly like Moose either, so I’ll gladly run away from them while taking you with me. I prefer seals actually! They even have a rare species in Finland called the Saimaa Ringed sea, so I’m very excited to see them! What is your favorite animal my sweets? We must go and see them as well!

Oh you are planning to draw me my love? I can’t wait for what you draw (not only because it will be amazing, but because I need to get to see it before my teammates try stealing your art for themselves! They saw your art on tumblr and they are in love with it)

But how are you doing my lovely? I am doing very well now that I am able to talk to my stunning spouse <3!

Love you my paradise~ - Your husband💜

little lamb. LITTLE 🗣 LAMB 🗣 LITTLE LAMB LITTLE LAMB LITTLE LAMB AHHHHHHHHHH IM GOING TO CRY 😭😭😭 IM SO BADLY ON LITTLE LAMB BRAINROT RN I LOVE YOU SO MUCH 🙏 anyways, *ahem*.

yes love!! the movies were amazing! i’m kind of convinced that you cured my insomnia or something… after you entered my life i was able to sleep soundly on most if not every day. ahhhh i still don’t like my sleeping expression 😭✋ i’ll be working on learning to love it………….. maybe

BOO MOOSE 👎👎👎 MOOSE ARE SO LOWKEY INTIMIDATING I JUST CANT COME UP CLOSE WITH ONE 😞 OH! THE SEALS!! i’ve heard of that species before! they’re endangered, if i’m not wrong. we have to go see them!! seals are so so so cute 😩 hmmmm… my favorite animals are probably bunnies, cats or snakes, though. i doubt we’d be able to find any of those widlife in finland. though, there are reindeers in the northern part of finland, right? we could go see those, my love!! i don’t really mind, as long as i’m with you <3

AHHHH TORI!! i’m glad you have so much faith in me love :,((( <3 i’ll be trying my best!! (oho?? i mean, i could draw them next, but they’ll have to wait in line)

my sun, getting sweeter each day. i’m good!! today was exhausting AND it’s the birthday of someone special to me! (as it is already 12.30am). i’m thinking of going to sleep soon!! i’ve also bren trying to prioritize my health and own wellbeing over some other things!! so far, it’s going pretty well <3

alright, the exhaustion is really starting to get to me 😩 i’ll see you soon, my sweet *kisses you*

[lydah]

Just cuz you're "autistic" and "trans" doesn't mean you can ask for free handouts like a lazy cunt. Get a job and stop pretending to be special, snowflake.

get a load of this guy everyone alright i’ve been ignoring comments like this because y’all are vicious and insatiable but it’s 5 in the morning, i’m tired, and my claws are out rn, i currently don’t care about being mature or doing the right thing i’ve got a job, i’ve been working my ass off at many types of jobs since i graduated highschool in 2011, the minute i was out of school i was forced to either pay rent or live on the street. i have an impressive and extensive resume, i’ve not been unemployed for longer than 3 months since then, i’ve only taken 1 vacation, and i’ve called out of work less than 10 days of my life, i’ve never been formally disciplined or fired, i’m the most reliable god damn employee these people will ever get. i’ve worked some pretty miserable ass jobs and have come home from many sore and bleeding, but even the worst jobs i stuck with for st least 6 months to keep my track record going and keep myself as hirable as possible. i grew up with an IEP, i had been in remedial classes since i was in 2nd grade, i do not have the necessary knowledge to start college. i graduated highschool knowing little more than the simplest 5 paragraph sentence structures and pre algebra. if you think college is expensive now, try going to college with the formal education level of a 7th grader i currently work 39 hours a week without getting any full time benefits, over half the money i make every month goes to bills, not including paying for food and medical expenses. i’ve been earning my own way since i was 18, and i’ve been living without any parental help or supervision since i was 14, i’m turning 25 in less than a month. anyone who knows me knows that i do not normally take handouts, i’ve always been the type to work for everything, if anyone wants to give me money i want to feel like i somehow earned it or i turn the offer downi’ve always taken care of myself, i don’t like feeling like a burden on anyone and rarely so much as accept simple favors, and swallowing my pride and making this fundraiser was extremely difficult for me, it wasn’t my idea but the idea of many of my friends who have been watching me suffer for months now holiday season is hitting hard, i’m exhausted and depressed, i’m trying my best to keep up with commissions but i am left with very little time to draw and i don’t make enough per drawing to help me make this move i’ve been avoiding talking too much about what happened between me and my ex fiancé i was with for *7 years* lest this becomes a public callout post and shit gets ugly, but we were together so long and shared so much that this is less of a petty breakup and more of a informal divorce, we lived together for a year in colorado and lived in cali together for almost 3, we split costs on many things and shared a lot, we still have to sort out who gets to keep what, but let me tell you, in order to save money on finding a moving van, i’ll be going back home with almost nothing but my cat, my clothes, and my computer because that’s all i can afford to ship. ill still have other things to figure out once i get there like refurbishing my room and getting a bed, but at this point it’s not like i’m a stranger to sleeping on the floorto only scratch the surface of what’s happening right now, last year she cheated on me and shit got rocky. my trust was shattered, shit started to fall apart, but i stuck around and tried to repair my trust in her and continue our relationship. it didn’t work, and things continued to happen that ruined my trust in her more and more every time i felt like things were getting better. the nail in the coffin was when she wanted to be “poly” and date our room mate basically directly after getting jealous acting passive aggressively toward anyone who so much as complimented how i looked in my servershe is currently dating said room mate and reinforced what she told several people about how she’s “only with me because she doesn’t think anyone else will put up with her” by waiting to secure a relationship with her before breaking up with me i just want to go home i’m swallowing my pride and asking to help because i don’t want to sleep on the floor of a closet for the next 5 months, i don’t want to watch the person who i was with for 7 years replace me so easily and snog on her new lover all the time while i’m still trying to get over our relationship, and i cant afford to move and pay the expensive load of bills on my plate at the same timeso leave me the fuck alone

[peachie-alpaca]

🌼🍩👉🍺💣♬💀☕⚠✂🎬🍔💾☂☁🎮🐙🍀

this is too much for me to draw the answers individually…. BUT I’LL ANSWER IN TEXT FORM ANYWAY GAHAHA………….

(if you’re just SOOO curious to see more of my art head over to my deviantart tabberhatter.deviantart.com)

🌼: What are your favorite clothes to wear when you’re relaxing?

a very soft tshirt and some shorts is all I need!! its pretty hot here so that’s the norm, in winter the shorts are replaced with warm pj pants

🍩: What’s your favorite snack?

my favorite changes like, weekly. I’m fickle when it comes to food, my tastes change a lot yet I still manage to be picky. anyway, I like snacking on potato chips with ranch dip

👉: How do you sit when you draw?

it shifts SO OFTEN, like, i constantly move in my seat but my feet are rarely on the floor, at least. im a pretzel is basically what i’m trying to say

🍺: What’s the biggest mistake you make that impacts your art/drawing process?

well I’m not so sure atm, because nowadays I just lack motivation and “mood” to draw, but my biggest mistake that I learned to deal with is the frustration that a picture isn’t looking the way I want to. I’d usually get irritated and give up but I learned the motto of… just tweak it. just keep tweaking and fixing and changing until I am 100% satisfied. I dont allow myself to post anything anymore that I’m not at least 98% satisfied with, everything else just stays in my junk

💣: What site do you think you’re most active on?

tumblr definitely

♬: What do you like to listen to/have on in the background when you draw?

whatever music i’m into at the moment BUT sometimes I dont want to listen to music and just wanna hear someone talk?? in that case I just put on a lets play and draw from there

💀: Show something you drew a long time ago that at the time you were proud of.

i’m kinda tired rn and i can’t find it in my folders but tbh most of my really old art is lost and that makes me sad

☕: Coffee or Tea?

i much prefer coffee

⚠: Have you ever taken an art class?

does high school freshmen art class with a teacher that didn’t actually teach count? otherwise no sigh.... i really wanna take some college art classes....

✂: What’s you astrology sign, zodiac, and MBTI?

wwait isn’t astrology sign the same thing as zodiac? but uh I’m aries and my mbti is infj

🎬: What is your favorite kind of clothing?

REALLY COLORFUL CUTE CLOTHES I can’t stress this enough, my style is so “cute shirt with colorful shorts” kinda deal

🍔: Do you have OCs? If so, which is your favorite?

uhhh yes?? and uhhhh   no??? I CANT PICK ANY THEYRE MY CHILDREN

💾: What do you love to draw?

poses, expressions, rough sketches

☂: What do you hate to/can’t draw?

UGH okay so environments are fun to draw occasionally but for every picture??? its just too hard and exhausting OTL

☁: Guilty pleasure?

nnaruto ocs…… i have……17…… now……. and they’re decently fleshed out……… why am i like this literally who cares about naruto

🎮: Do you prefer video games or TV shows/movies?

i dont know? I love watching shows/anime but I also love a lot of video games so I’m not sure. unless you mean like, cable tv and going to the movies then no, give me splatoon

🐙: What do you suggest to beginner artists in terms of work ethic?

keep drawing, draw for yourself, but dont force it. evolving your art shouldn’t be forced, you should stay motivated but if you absolutely have no drive to draw, then dont. keep experimenting!

🍀: How do you become motivated to draw?

honestly recently its been a problem of my circumstances and overall state of mind thats blocking me from working on a picture for more than two hours

thanks so much for asking!! I feel bad for not drawing them out but these are just too many