#just on my mind today as I prepare for another therapy session on tuesday

[oediex]

When I think about my mental state, I wonder what is worse: the acute suicidal thoughts I was having about six weeks ago, or the return to its chronic form I'm now experiencing. I don't think about it quite as much as back then, but every morning the thought that I don't want to live still enters my head as I wake up. I'm not crying hot tears all day as I was around the turn of the new year, but I do still get moments of despair when I can't keep it dry. My breath still hitches in my throat as anxiety rises in my chest, unprompted. I still dig my fingernails into my wrists but I'm not often so overwhelmed anymore that I bite my hands.

What does this mean? Am I better? Is it just a manifestation of the amount of time it's been since my latest crisis moment in December? When is the next one coming? Am I avoiding certain things because I know what it'll do to me?

How do you fight a depression that's ten years in the making?

[merlins-hurt-comfort]

I’ll be here until you’re okay

Fandom: TS Sanders Sides Warnings: parental emotional abuse, talking about violence (only talking, though), food mention, Roman swears once, Remy’s mother is kind of transphobic and sugarcoats anxiety. Pairing: Remy/Emile Characters: Remy Sanders, Emile Picani, Patton Sanders, Logan Sanders and Roman Sanders Wordcount: 3511

A/N: so first of all, this is for @shut-up-emrys​, i love you lots. the thing with this fanfiction is that it’s kinda personal, i basically put my mother in this story and made Remy go through some of the things i had/have to go through and have them comforted in the end. because that is what hurt and comfort fanfictions are for, isn’t it. whatever. i do feel better after writing this, though.

The early morning sun shone through a little window in Remy's room, lightly waking them on this mild Tuesday morning.

After a few times of turning around, trying to get ahold of the sweet warm sleep, Remy stretched their body and slowly sat up, leaning against their bed's headboard.

They rubbed their eyes and blinked a few times to get their eyes used to the bright rays of sun, lighting up their room- or more accurate- their mess of it.

Remy breathed in deeply but the heavy weight on their shoulders didn't ease. They felt their throat hurting, warm anger rising as they remembered last night's events.

No surprise their mother was involved. Remy remembered trying to open up to her, telling her about yesterday's therapy session. Not to get them wrong, they loved their mother. And their mother loved Remy. At least that's what they were sure of. But sometimes Remy couldn't think of her anything other than hurtful, then again they immediately felt guilty about thinking that way. Their mother was a good mother. She was. Even though Remy felt like her hatred towards certain groups of people outweighed her love for her child.

Remy didn't want to get up. Not this day. A long work day was ahead of them and their motivation non-existing. But since not coming to work due to emotional issues was "just being lazy" and "not going to happen", according to their mother, they slowly got out of the warm bed to get changed while thoughts about other events, similar to last night came crushing down. Like that one time, years ago, when they took all the courage they got. They wrote their mother a letter, explaining being non-binary in all it's details.

Remy started shaking, just as they had been shaking back then, as if they were reliving the whole scenario instead of simply replaying it in their thoughts. They didn't get support. They didn't get thrown out either but that could not be where the bar for acceptance was. Instead, after getting interrupted, their mother tried to talk Remy out of it, brushed it off as a phase and neither of them brought up the whole conversation ever again. That day Remy swore to never come out to her ever again.

But their mother was a good mother, she let them visit a therapist to manage their anxiety issues. After six months of all of their professors talking to her, she finally agreed. She didn't like her child going to therapy. It would not look good on college or work applications, she said. They would never get an "actual full-time job", she said. It would ruin her good reputation, she said. Almost as if that was more important than Remy learning to deal with their anxiety. Almost. She loved them, Remy knew it. They just didn't feel it. But she was a good mother, right? She was. She had to be.

Remy shook their head, trying to get rid of all the memories as they dropped the clothes they slept in on the floor. After last night's argument, Remy didn't manage to do anything else other than walk into their room, slam the door shut and lie down on the bed hoping to fall sleep before the growing heartache would tear them apart.

They picked a blue jeans and a white shirt from The Chair™, put them on and turned around to look in a mirror hanging on the wall to fix their sleep hair. One look in the mirror made them stumble back in shock. All those thoughts, racing and stumbling through their mind, made them forget that this day was their eighteenth birthday.

Usually, they didn't care about their birthdays. What's so great about them? Remy was glad their friends respected their feelings and didn't bring it up. And every other birthday would have been just another ordinary day. But not the eighteenth. On one's eighteenth birthday they would get a black mark somewhere on their body where their soulmate would touch them first. Or next- if they already knew each other.

After a few seconds, Remy stepped closer to the mirror, carefully touching their left cheek with their fingertips. There was a black handprint on their face covering half their chin and lips and the cheek they were so delicately touching right that second. In awe and confusion Remy traced the print of the thumb to below the left eye and the other four fingers just below their left ear. All those thoughts about their mother disappeared, that stain was the only important thing in this moment, until-

Remy was outraged. So their soulmate would slap them? Was that what was going to happen? They scoffed, of course other people got friendly touches and they were left with this.

"Seems like, it's just what I deserve," they mumbled to themselves. For a short moment they considered covering the mark with make up but they decided not to do such thing. If people knew, people knew. And they would know- one way or another.

They put on their black leather jacket and grabbed their phone to leave the house, not bothering to say good morning or goodbye to their mother. She didn't bother either.

On their way to work Remy put in their headphones and let the music take over, trying to ignore the strangers looking at their face, now decorated with a black handprint.

A few miles away Emile stared at his right hand. Today was his eighteenth birthday as well and he couldn't help but overthink it. When he woke up this morning, his right palm was all black.

Emile's thoughts have been creating dozens of possible scenarios already. It could be a handshake, or a high-five. It could be a mark from holding someone's hand. Nonetheless, he worried a little bit. What if he would slap his soulmate? Could happen, right? Less likely than all those other possibilities but with his luck, that's what it was going to be.

He just took a shower and got dressed, a black jeans, a light blue sweater and his brown coat. He then grabbed his phone and backpack and left for uni, hiding his hands in the pockets of his jacket.

Halfway there, Emile stopped at the local Starbucks and entered the café. It was a busy morning but to see his best friend Remy behind the counter brightened his mood. Somehow, Remy, as the most sarcastic and pessimistic, also unquestionably short-tempered person, always managed to cheer him up. As a psychology major, college took a lot of Emile's time and Remy covered many of their coworkers shifts, but they still managed to spend time together. Remy was working on one of the coffee machines with their back to Emile but their coworkers already noticed him.

From the other end of the long queue Emile watched Patton say a few words to Logan, then take a paper cup from the counter and make his way through the café to the psychology major.

Patton was older than Remy and Emile and already got his mark months ago. Two fine black lines on his forehead, looking like someone would touch him while brushing some hair out of his face. Logan didn't have his mark yet.

"Good morning, Emile. Remy already prepared your daily order!" Patton pulled them in for half a hug and light pats on his back before handing Emile the cup.

"Patton, hey! Thank you for bringing me my hot cocoa." Patton smiled so brightly, it was literally contagious, then pushed up the glasses on his freckled nose.

"Always my pleasure. We wish you a very happy birthday! Let's see your mark!" Emile took his right hand out of the pocket of his jacket and opened it, showing Patton the black palm.

The café employee was fascinated. "That is so cool!!" His eyes widened. "I bet it's a high-five! Or you shake their hand." Emile chuckled lightly, stepping out of the way for some customers exiting the Starbucks. "I hope you're right about that."

"You should see Remy's mark. But I feel like it's not my place to tell you about it." Patton's voice got softer. "They wish you a very happy birthday, they said they will text you after work." Emile raised an eyebrow in confusion. Where could Remy's mark possibly be? He was tempted to just walk over to the counter but even the fact that they're his best friend didn't change that right there and then would not be a good place or time to talk about soulmate marks.

Patton interrupted him spacing out. "Now off you go or you'll be late for your first class." He stopped while making his way back to the counter, turned around and made finger guns, pointing to the hot beverage in Emile's hands. "The cocoa is on us, by the way. As a birthday present."

Emile left the café, thinking about soulmates.

Remy's shift took forever. Even though they had a lot of work, time still refused to pass. They knew every customer at some point stared at the fresh black soulmate mark. And no one said it out loud but Remy knew they all shared the same thought. Their soulmate would hit them in the face. They tried their best to get on with work as if it was any other given day and forget about the handprint adorning their face but with every single new customer looking at them, they got reminded of what would inevitably happen.

After a long day of serving people all different kinds of drinks and cleaning more tables than they could count, they finally registered the cash and Patton locked the store. Logan's shift had already ended earlier that day.

The freckled boy put the keys in one of his pockets, then encouragingly looked Remy in their eyes. "Don't worry about the mark too much, Remy. It does not look like a slapping hand to me." Patton gave them a soft smile. "It's your soulmate, it will be alright."

Remy sighed and buried their hands deep in the pockets of their leather jacket. "I hope you're right. I don't think so, but I hope."

"Kiddo, you need to tell me as soon as you meet them!" Their customers couldn't exactly tell but Patton, Logan and Remy weren't only coworkers, they also were good friends, knowing each other almost as long as Remy and Emile knew each other.

"Of course I will. But only if you'll tell me about yours, and don't kiddo me, you're only a few months older!"

Remy put in their headphones after the two Starbucks workers said goodbye and went their separate ways.

At home Remy carefully walked into the kitchen, stopping close to the door. They watched their mother cutting some carrots for dinner before quietly speaking.

"Mom? I wanted to talk-" Their voice failed them.

Their mother put the knife down and sighed. "Speak, Remy. I don't have all evening." After eighteen years with their mother, she still managed to take away all of their courage the moment they tried to talk about something that was important to them.

"I-" Remy started, but it felt like all the sentences they formed on their way here were gone as if they didn't know any words, as if their head was empty, making room for anxiety to slowly fill their body limb after limb. Remy's heart raced, their body was so cold they felt it in their bones. They already regretted trying to get their mother to make up for last night.

She turned around, impatient of their child's silence, but of course noticed the mark before anything else. She raised an eyebrow.

"Looks like someone's gonna get slapped."

Remy started fidgeting with their fingers, took all the energy their racing heart provided them with to say it as quickly as possible. "I wanted to talk to you about last night." This was supposed to be about last night, not about the mark.

Their mother sighed again, crossing her arms. "Remy, there is nothing to talk about. I get it, your therapist diagnosed you with an anxiety disorder." She took a deep breath, like what she just said had cost her all of her energy. "Listen, we all get nervous sometimes and I could help you just as well, I don't see why you have to see a therapist for that."

Remy tried their hardest to not show their hurt as it climbed up their throat.

"But, mom-"

Their mother cut them off. "Well, thank you for the conversation, I was not done talking. I taught you better than speaking out of turn." She massaged her temple and closed her eyes, letting out an exasperated sight. "You don't understand my situation. What will people think? I need to get used to this."

She turned around, picked up the knife and continued cutting the carrots. A few seconds passed. By now Remy's chest felt like a rattling nest full of angry wasps, their breathing short and uncontrolled. "Don't tell me you're crying."

Remy was close to crying. But they knew their mother- crying was for weak people and they were not weak. They couldn't be weak. They tried to swallow the hurt, pushing it all down to wrap the angry wasp nest.

"I am-", they cleared their throat, taking a deep, long breath. In a voice, as steady as possible, they continued. "I am not crying."

"Good. Adults don't cry." Their mother put the cut carrots in the pot on the oven. "Do you want to help me cook dinner?" she asked, in a tone implying that this whole conversation didn't happen. Remy knew she simply couldn't stand the atmosphere she created. They wanted to cry.

"Actually, I am going to meet Emile."

Remy's mother aggressively grabbed the tomatoes. "I am doing everything for you, Remy." She almost threw them in the sink. "And I ask for help one time, just once, but no." She washed them quickly and started cutting. "I have to do everything myself. You're making me break down, do you hear me? I'm going to break down. You don't ever help me."

"Gee," Remy wondered while closing the kitchen door on their way out and leaving the house. They wiped their teary eyes, then pulled out the phone to text their best friend. "I wonder why."

This didn't go the way they planned. But then again, with their mother, things would never go according to plan.

Emile sat on his favourite table in the local library when he got a text notification. He tapped twice on his dark display to wake it up and read the message.

"Hey, can we meet?" Remy. Emile got excited. So their shift was finally over and they got to spend some time with each other.

He leaned back in his chair and typed. "I am in the library. Do you want to come here?"

It only took seconds for Remy to answer. "On my way."

Emile often came to the city's local library, sometimes to read but most of the time to study for an exam. Just like this day. He shifted in his chair to get comfortable and continued reading and making some notes.

After another ten minutes, he heard the big front door opening and quietly closing. A distant. "Hello, Remy!!"

Emile looked up from his book. Remy was here and that made him so incredibly happy, even though it was kind of late already and he was exhausted from hours of studying after a complete day at uni. He heard a weak "Hey." in response to Roman's greeting.

Emile's heart dropped. That did not sound good. The bad feeling in Emile's gut got confirmed when Remy appeared in his vision.

Head down, hands in the pockets of their jacket, walking with slow, tired steps. As if something had drained them for everything they had- or someone. Emile knew about their mother, she was something Remy had been dealing with their whole life, much longer than Emile knew them.

He stood up and walked around the table to Remy, softly pulling them in for a hug. Remy slowly put their arms around Emile as well and buried their face in the taller boy's neck, holding him close. Emile carefully put one hand on the back of Remy's head as he slowly rubbed their back with his other hand. Neither of them moved.

Remy was safe now. They could cry now. Feeling Emile's beating heart so close to theirs, his warm-sunshine presence all around them, feeling his hands holding them, his steady and calm breathing, Remy finally felt like they could give in to the hurt stinging in their chest, poking the angry wasp nest everytime they breathed in.

The words just spilled over. "Emile, you need to know that I love her. I do." They paused, getting quieter with each word they said. "She just makes it so hard for me. And- and I think she loves me. I mean, she has to, she just has to-" Their voice cracked as tears filled their closed eyes. Remy was glad their face was hidden, that no one could see them this vunerable, even though Emile kept telling them, crying was healthy and human. "I just can't- I just can't feel it."

Emile closed his eyes, fighting back his tears. This was Remy's moment and he knew they didn't get many of those.

"Remy, it's alright. You're here with me now, only with me." Emile's reassurance was nothing more than a quiet, soft whisper, and that was all Remy needed.

"I'll be here until you're okay." As Emile felt their shoulders trembling, he pulled them even closer, holding his sobbing friend in silence. Minutes after minutes passed, neither of them knew how long they stood there, until Remy had cried all that there was for them to cry.

"Thank you, Emile." Remy mumbled, definitely sounding like they were feeling better. Emile slightly loosened up, not enough to break the comforting atmosphere, but enough to have their foreheads almost touch. He cupped their face, carefully wiping away the tears. "Always, Remy."

"Heeeyyy, guys. I just wanted to tell you it's almost closing time."

Emile waved Roman hello as Remy turned around, startled by the librarian who popped up out of nowhere as he continued talking.

"But if you want to stay a few- uh more minutes that's- that's not a-." Roman's words failed him, leaving him speechless for a few seconds.

"Woah. Those are fucking magnificent marks." Helpless faces stared at him, as if he just spoke in a different language. Roman cleared his throat and gestured at the stains. "Yea, your soulmate marks, don't tell me I am the first to see them!"

Emile looked at his hand, the palm no longer black but instead looking like white marble. At the same time Remy carefully touched his face, right where Emile's hand was just a moment ago while they turned around to their best friend again.

They looked at each other. Emile's heart grew warm as he saw the young adult standing in front of him. His best friend with not only a clueless look on their face but also a handprint in the most beautiful blue Emile had ever seen.

Roman was sure, at this point Emile made actual heart eyes at Remy. He smoothly stepped forward and handed them a tiny mirror. He believed it to be of great importance to always carry one with you. Roman then left them alone to put a few more books back in the shelves. It appeared this day he could not close on time, but it didn't bother him at all.

Remy couldn't trust their eyes as they saw their reflection. The hand print that shocked them so much this morning, that made them so angry, that they slowly knew they would grow to hate was now as blue and deep as the sky.

They looked back at Emile, delicately waving his right hand, the palm like white marble. He had a smile that bright, it could easily compete and win against the bubbly-sunshine Patton.

Emile raised his hand and carefully put it on his friend's face. That touch alone was enough to make Remy burst into tears of happiness as they fell into a tight hug. They could have spent hours standing there, holding the other as close as physically possible, if it weren't for Roman.

"Guys, I am having a Déjà vu here." They let go of each other, just then being able to stop laughing.

Emile looked like he would pass out from excitement any second as he very proudly declared: "Well, looks like I have the best freaking soulmate on this planet, huh?"

Remy took Emile's hand in theirs, tracing the grey lines. "Emile." They cleared their throat as they met their soulmate's rich chocolate brown eyes. "I don't need fate to know we're meant to spend our lives together."

[marysunshine23]

My week

I don’t remember Monday very well. I remember being stressed and wanting to cry but refusing to because I just had eyelash extensions put in and I was within the three days that they can’t get wet. I remember that my wanting to cry turned into wanting to scream, wanting to hit and wanting to kick because real life people aren’t as easy to work with as those in a video game or in a role play. I remember coming home and my parents asking how my day was and me telling them my troubles.

Tuesday is more vibrant in my memory. I remember how I woke up feeling okay; not great, but well enough to go to work. I remember walking to Denny’s and singing songs from my phone and self-talking through a potential roleplay. I had biscuits and gravy with sunny-side up eggs and hashbrowns. As I went to pay, I heard someone call my name and saw it was my sister and mom. I went to sit buy them, and something led our conversation to my work and how Monday, then yesterday, was hard and how my mom and sister started to tell me how to fix it. I remember logically understanding that they meant no ill will and that they were trying to help, but my emotions told me that they were disregarding what I had done and what I had achieved and were just picking at the fact that I’m tapped out emotionally.

I went to work trying not to cry because I didn’t want to disappoint anyone. That’s one of my biggest fears, disappointing the people I care about. It’s why I push myself to do things even when every fiber of my being tells me not to, tells me that it’s not good for me, tells me that I’m too hurt to keep moving. But I don’t want to disappoint my parents, my siblings, my boss, my coworkers, my friends, anyone. I remember when my coworker asked me what was wrong, I cried as I told her that I was just emotionally tapped out, that I don’t want to disappoint her or my boss, that I don’t want to disappoint my mom, but that being at work was draining me, that I was mad that I kept crying because I didn’t want to ruin these lashes that took five hours to put on. My coworker comforted me for a while before getting my boss. She suggested I go on sub-status and just text her in the morning to let her know if I’m emotionally stable enough to come in. I agreed, and she sent me home.

Another coworker drove me home during her lunch, not wanting me to cry on the bus and worried that I’d get hurt. I told her she didn’t have to, I didn’t want her to waste precious free time on me, but she wanted to. She said she was willing to talk to my parents and explain what had happened, but I knew I had to go do it alone. No one was home when I got there, and I went to take a nap and play my video games so I’d be more calm and prepared. When I came down from my room, my dad was startled to see me there. He asked me why I was home early, and I tried to lie; I tried to say that they had enough people that they sent me home. My work is understaffed, so that’s obviously not true. He accused me of being too wrapped up in my video games to want to go to work, and that I wasn’t on top of my medications, that I was feeding into my depression by being lazy, and I started to cry for the second time that day.

After I finished talking to him, and he tried to comfort me, I horded myself in my bathroom, wanting to hide from my shame. The shame that I had disappointed my parents again. I remember hearing my mom come into my room, and asking if I was safe. I said that I just wanted to hide because i had disappointed her and dad. She told me to come out and suggested that we have me do an IOP (intensive outpatient program). I agreed, because I knew I needed it. I had known I needed it for a month, but after my mom refused me the first time, I dropped it. I spent the rest of the day alone, trying to rest.

Wednesday I slept for the majority, only waking up to eat. I officially woke up to go to my therapy appointment, which I had scheduled after Monday’s difficulties. My dad wanted me to record a concert for his schools for him, so I dressed up nice. I remember during my session with my mother sitting beside me, trying to explain why this wasn’t something I could help, that in video game terms, I was just trying to defeat mini bosses but having no time to heal. I remember my therapist stopping me to say that the atmosphere of the room made her feel anxious. I felt guilty even after she said it wasn’t my fault. I never want people to feel how I feel, because it hurts; and I don’t want people to experience my pain. We finished, but I didn’t feel satisfied like I usually do. I went to the concert and recorded despite a child pulling on the tripod of the camera.

Thursday I had lunch with my grandmother and helped her with her phone. I remember her criticizing my purse, saying it was gaudy, and after looking at my food judging that I wasn’t on a diet. She said I was chubby, and I said I liked how I look. She continued to say I was chubby, and I continued to say that I liked the way I looked. The only reason she stopped was because something about her own food distracted her. Many people there complimented my purse, and my grandmother raved about how smart I was. We spent a few hours checking the numbers on her phone, and then I went home to rest.

Friday startled me, because I didn’t think it was Friday. I thought it was Thursday. Somehow in my mind, Monday was last week’s Friday, and all the other days were one day behind. Tuesday had been Monday, Wednesday had been Tuesday, Thursday had been Wednesday, but I realized that I was disoriented. I only got paid every other Friday, not Thursday. So I put $200 into savings and went to get my nails done. I tried a new sushi restaurant, which wasn’t terrible, I went to Daiso and got myself a new backpack for when I started my IOP, and as I walked home, I realized how much I had been self-talking lately. Talking like I’m giving a TED talk. I know that wasn’t something I usually do; most of my self-talk is roleplay related, not about the things bothering me, and it wasn’t this often anymore. I used to do it a lot before... but before when? When did it decrease? And was it a good thing, or bad? I went home and did nothing special. I remember being on my swing and overhearing my mom talk to someone on the phone about a fire on the other side of the freeway from us, and I wondered if we needed to evacuate. Mom said we were fine, so I watched some stuff before going to bed.

Today is Saturday, and I woke up maybe an hour and a half ago. I haven’t eaten yet, and my cat is kneading my back. I’m realizing how anxious I’ve been lately, how depressed I’ve been. How I’m not sure where to go from here, whether I want to stay a teacher or do data input, where me being introverted stops and me being depressed is, where sleeping to rest ends and sleeping to escape begins, and why I can’t seem to keep going in any direction I take. I feel weaker that everyone else, I feel like a failure most of the time, I feel like the times I enjoy being with people is less and less often, and that I just want to be alone all the time. Is it because I’m an aspie and I want to have more control, that I feel like I have none? Is it because I feel defeated by my disabilities? Is it because I’m just not meant to be a teacher? After all, I did this so I work with a group of people I feel similarities to; and I don’t mean other teachers. I know that being around people is good for me when it comes to depression, but even after nearly four days of minimal interaction with people, I still feel taxed. I’m not sure what to do or even if there’s anything I can do. It’s even hard to breathe. My stomach pleads for me to eat, but I find the will to even pour myself a bowl of cereal to be minimal. As my cat licks my fingers affectionately, I know that not all is bad; yet I can’t stop these tears from running down my cheeks. I can’t help feeling like a failure.

I’m not writing this for a pity party or for attention. In fact, I’m honestly just writing this here so I can read it to my therapist when I go see her later today, and it’s easier to type than it is to text on my phone. I suppose I could email it to myself or whatever, but... maybe I do what someone else to read it? Maybe I want someone who understands what I’m feeling to read it and to know they’re not alone? Maybe I want them to read it and understand what I’m feelings so I know I’m not alone? I know that tons of people have chronic depression like me, but so often I feel like all my disabilities combined make me feel like even in the disability community, I am alone. I’m sorry if I made you feel sad, I’m sorry if you think lowly of me, and I feel bad that there’s part of me that doesn’t care; simply because I don’t know you, and I feel badly that I don’t care. Does that mean I do care? I’m not sure... I should probably eat.

[avaalons]

Chris Evans Fic: Epilogue (Young & in Love Part 8) NSFW

Young & in Love Series

Part 1: Beard & Glasses & Pushed Back Hair (NSFW)

Part 2: At Some Point

Part 3: The Dogs Aren’t Allowed Upstairs

Part 4: His Girls Episode 1

Part 5: His Girls Episode 2

Part 6: His Girls Episode 3

Part 7: His Girls Episode 4

***

So, this marks the end of the road for these two love birds! It’s been a rollercoaster!

Thanks for sticking with me and being a fabulous, supportive, encouraging audience :)

Here we go, let’s blow this popsicle stand!

Warning: NSFW

***

‘So, how do you think the last six months have been for you?’

This office, with its homely furnishings and soft lighting, had become familiar to you over the last few years. You began with a visit every week, therapy being only one of the courses of action you had decided to take in the weeks after, what you now to referred as, your ‘baby breakdown’. You had been visiting every week for the first year, sometimes with Chris, sometimes alone, but like clockwork, every Thursday you arrived at this office and talked with Jane about anything and everything.

Eventually, you began attending less and less, with Jane’s encouragement, until you reached a point where you just wanted to keep a bi-annual ‘check in’ appointment, to be on the safe side. But today, you were here with a particular thought in mind.

‘I’m good. I feel… stable, on an even keel. I’ve felt like that for a while now, like things aren’t precarious anymore. Like everything has been okay for such a long time that I can just accept this is the way things are without worrying they’ll go bad again. I think might be at a place where… I can start seriously considering expanding our family,’ you refrained from phrasing it as a question, knowing full well that Jane wouldn’t entertain you looking for answers: Jane asked the questions, you had to come up with the answers by yourself.

You could predict, almost to the letter, what Jane was going to ask next.

'And how does Chris feel about this?’

Chris wanted whatever would make you happy, that much you knew. After your first therapy session, he suggested you cut back on work but still do part time. He understood that your job and keeping that control, that schedule would help your recovery. He helped you set up a work out schedule in your home gym (that was his really, if truth be told) to keep your mind and body healthy. He started running with you, despite his reservations about being photographed, as long as he could pick the time and the route. He cut back on the projects he had lined up for the year, turned down a role that he really wanted but would have taken him away from home for months. Slowly but surely, he helped you be alone with Annie, never drawing attention to the fact he was leaving the room for two minutes, or outside playing frisbee with Dodger for twenty minutes, until one day he announced he was going to the store as you were feeding Annie and you didn’t bat an eyelid. Chris did everything he could to aid you in your recovery, and never expected anything in return. But this - Chris would want this because it would make the both of you happy. Ecstatically so.

'Well, I’ve not actually told him yet. I wanted to talk it through first. He’s always wanted a big family but he’s never brought up the subject since Annie was born. I don’t think for one moment he’s stopped wanting that though. So I can only assume he thinks I don’t want any more children. But I do.’

'You’ll only know the answer to that when you talk to Chris. It’s important to have a real, open conversation with him where you both share your wants and your concerns before embarking on adding to the family.’

'I know, we’re very good at sharing now. I know I can’t bottle up my feelings from him and especially if there’s a possibility I’m going be pregnant again.’

'Have you given some thought about the likelihood of the post-partum depression returning?’

You took a deep breath. Only every day. 'Yes. I know I can’t let my fear of it run my life. Annie’s going to be four in a few weeks. I think it’s time. But I’d like to step up our sessions, should I fall pregnant again. I don’t want to be knocked sideways by it like I was last time. If it’s going to happen, I want to be prepared.’

'That seems sensible, we can certainly arrange that when the time comes. Share all this with Chris and let me know if you need a session together before you come to a decision,’ Jane, straight-faced as ever, didn’t let on whether she thought you should have an appointment or not. So you had to break the rules and ask.

'Should we come and see you together?’

'It’s entirely up to you, based on what comes out of your conversation. Chris may have some things he would like to share, but if you’re both on the same page, you don’t need to see me,’ she gave you a small smile then, which she didn’t bestow lightly, 'You’ve come a long way in the last four years. You certainly understand yourself better than you did when you arrived here for the first time. Prepare yourself, rely on your support network and you’ll be just fine.’

'Thank you,’ you were a touch bashful, not used to Jane handing out words of wisdom and encouragement like that. You collected your purse from where it was propped against your chair and stood up to leave, feeling positive about your decision and your future.

Jane nodded and stood up to walk you to the door, 'All being well, I’ll be seeing you very soon.’

'I hope so.’

***

Arriving home, the house was quiet but the afternoon was warm and you knew where you would find your family. You headed straight through to the garden and saw Chris attempting to play a game of piggy-in-the-middle with Dodger and Annie, Dodger having been lumped with the poor piggy role. You smiled at their fairly unsuccessful game but started with a sharp intake of breath and a step forwards when you saw Dodger jump to catch the ball and land with his front paws on Annie’s shoulders, the weight and the momentum of him forcing her to the ground on her back. But Chris was right there, of course, hauling her up, his two hands tucked under her arms. When she was upright, you could see she was fine, laughing even, as Dodger licked her face in apology.

As you stepped out on to the patio, you could hear Annie’s peals of laughter, Chris scooping her up and whirling her around and around.

'Hey mommy’s home!’ She shouted, having caught sight of you out of the corner of her eye even as she was flying through the air.

You started to walk towards them and Chris set Annie down on the grass. She ran over to you on her toddling legs and you caught her just as she tripped over her own foot and fell into your arms.

'Oh my baby Annabelle!! How has your day with Daddy been?’ Chris was jogging over to you as you cuddled Annie and smothered her face in tickling kisses.

'Moooommmmm, I’m not a baby anymore! I’m nearly four!’

'Oh, I’m so sorry, of course! You’re a big grown up girl!’

'Yeah, a big grown up girl who threw a tantrum this morning because we ran out of Lucky Charms,’ Chris said wryly, ruffling Annie’s hair and looping an arm around your lower back, pulling you to his side and leaning down to kiss you in greeting, 'Hi baby, how was your day?’

'Good thanks. Very… productive. How was yours?’

'Well, I got to spend it with my little girl so, honestly, pretty perfect.’

You both watched as your aforementioned little girl went running around the garden with Dodger, kicking his ball out from under him each time he almost got it. You could have sworn Dodger was letting her win on purpose, clever dog.

'Chris?’ Now was as good a time as any, you thought.

'Hmm?’

'I need to take a visit to the doctor next week, get my birth control prescription renewed and have my blood pressure checked and stuff.’

'Okay, what day will it be? I’ll make sure my schedule’s clear for the princess,’ he threw his thumb in the direction of where Annie was currently picking her way through a flower bed to retrieve Dodger’s ball.

'It will be Tuesday. It’s okay, Helen will be here. But I was thinking…’

'About what?’

'About maybe not getting my prescription renewed. At all.’

He was completely still at the side of you for a moment and when you looked at him, he had something like wonder across his face, before his brow furrowed slightly.

'Just to be clear, you're suggesting we try for another baby, and not that I should get a vasectomy, right?’

You couldn’t help but laugh at him, 'Definitely the first option.’

He wrapped his arms around you, tucking your head under his chin and he squeezed you hard, 'I’m… baby, you don’t know how much… this is the best news. I mean… are you sure? I haven’t wanted to pressure you or anything by mentioning it.’

'I know you haven’t, and I appreciate it, I really do, but I also know that before Annie, the dream was a big family, right? I talked it over with Jane today,’ and you told him about the strategies you’d come up with.

'But Jane also told me to rely on my support networks - so no pushing you or your mom away this time. Accepting help when it is offered. Being up front about how I’m feeling.’

You feel Chris nodding against you, 'We’ll be ready this time.’

***

'She finally settled?’ You asked, resting your book against your chest as Chris walked into the bedroom, pulling his shirt off over his head as he went. It was late and Annie had been asleep for hours but had woken up after a nightmare. Not wanting to disrupt her, so far, good habit of sleeping in her own room all night by letting her in your bed, Chris had offered to take one for the team and go sit with her until she fell asleep.

'Yeah, it only took three stories and a song,’ he joked wryly.

'I know, I heard your excellent performance of I See the Light. You’d make such a good Flynn Rider,’ you nodded towards the monitor in explanation as he disappeared into the bathroom. When he stood in the doorway to perform a tongue-in-cheek bow at your compliment, he had a toothbrush hanging out of his mouth.

You shook your head, a smile on your face, 'Dork.’

You went back to reading until he came out, having finished his night time routine. You could see Chris in your peripheral vision, strolling his way over to you on the bed. He vaulted on to the mattress with one hand bearing his weight, jostling you where you were sat up on top of the sheets, and landed on his side, propping his head up on one arm. When you finally looked at him with one eyebrow raised, he had the biggest shit-eating grin on his face.

Looking him up and down, you realised what he was after, 'Best boxer briefs, tensed abs, and is that…’ you leaned forward, pretending to smell the air theatrically, ’…cologne? You hoping to get lucky tonight, Mr Evans?’

'I was hoping it wouldn’t be beyond the realm of possibility,’ he ran a fingertip up your thigh towards the lacy hem of your silk pyjama shorts. When his hand reached your hip, he rolled you towards him so that you were face to face. Plucking the book from your hands, he aimed it so that it landed smoothly on the nightstand.

'Hmm, I’ll think it over,’ you toyed with him, placing a hand on the defined muscles of his chest, nudging one of your knees between his.

'I just want to show my fiancée a good time.’

That made you start and when you spoke, your words were breathy, dripping with shock, 'What did you just say?’

There was that shit-eating grin again, 'You heard.’

He reached under his pillow and pulled out a small, square box covered in black velvet and when he popped it open, the tell-tale 'Tiffany & Co.’ shining out of the black silk inside the lid, the ring took your breath away.

'Christopher…’ you gasped. He’d chosen well, simple and understated, elegant and classy: just what you would have chosen for yourself.

The 'yes!’ exploded from you without you even realising it, tears welling in your eyes.

'I haven’t even asked you yet!’ Chris laughed around his words.

'I’m sorry! Go on. Ask me, ask me,’ a hand flew to your mouth to keep any more rebellious words from sneaking out.

'I want you to know straight up that this is not the be all and end all for me. This is the icing on top of an already beautiful and delicious cake. As far as I’m concerned, in my head, we’re already together forever. Our promises are the things we do for each other every single day, the things we’ve weathered together and grown stronger from and our plans for our future. Our vows are in the life we’ve built for ourselves: our most important vow, well, she’s asleep in the room just next door. We may not have declared it in front of God, we may not have the piece of paper, but I don’t need it to know that I love you, with everything I am and everything I have.’

Your tears were flowing freely now as you placed the hand that had been clamped over your mouth tenderly against his cheek, never tearing your gaze away from those blue, blue eyes.

'Having said all that, I really fucking want to marry you,’ he turned his head to kiss your palm, 'I want to have wedding bands on our hands that tell everyone we belong to each other. I want to be able to call you Mrs Evans when you’re being cute or a little bit naughty. I want to go to bed with and wake up next to my wife. I want to you to introduce me to people like 'hey, this is my husband, Chris.’

You laughed through your sobs at that: like you’ve ever needed to introduce him to anyone.

'I want Annie to be our flower girl on our wedding day. I want to stand in front of everyone we know and say 'in case you couldn’t already tell, we are one hundred per cent devoted to each other.’ So I don’t need marriage, I don’t need that piece of paper to make me happy, but I absolutely want it. And I hope, more than I’ve ever hoped for anything, that you want it too.’

You nodded ferociously, your joyous, choking sobs preventing you from speaking. You leant forward and crushed your lips to his, giving you time to find your words.

'Yes. Yes. Over and over again,’ you whispered against his mouth.

He pulled back to gently free the ring from its silk cushion and slide it on to your ring finger, both of you gazing at it standing proud against your skin.

'Look at that,’ Chris’ voice was filled with awe, holding your fingers gently in his.

'It’s beautiful, Chris,’ you agreed.

'Because you’re the one wearing it,’ he glanced back up to you and dipped his head to press his mouth to yours again, softly, tenderly this time, in no rush and with no haste, knowing that this was just another perfect moment in what would be a long life together.

You tucked yourself closer to his body, trying to eradicate any space between you. He wrapped his arms tightly around your body, helping your efforts, neither of you able to get close enough.

The kiss quickly flared with heat and you ground your hips into his, almost on instinct. His hands wandered under the pretty silk cami you wore, matching the shorts he’d glided his fingertip over earlier, and he skimmed the skin of your back, heating your flesh with his hands, sending glorious shivers down your spine.

You hooked a leg over his hip and pushed down, trying to find some friction and pressure where you needed it the most.

'Shh, patience, sweetheart,’ he gently warned you when you whimpered.

He rolled on to his back, taking you with him. You were lay the full length of his body, still attached at the lips, but, in your opinion, with much too little skin to skin contact. You sat up and went to pull off your cami but Chris held your wrists before you could get there.

'Let me,’ his request was earnest and, you knew, came from his memory of you recoiling from his touch when he’d tried to undress you for a bath on Baby Breakdown day. The first time you’d let him see you completely naked in the light was after weeks and weeks of therapy and you’d both sobbed, devastated that this chasm had appeared for two people who had always been so comfortable, so uninhibited with each other.

Now, you could see your scars for what they were: a badge of honour, a medal for being strong enough, courageous enough to come through the other side. They had faded over time but Chris still liked to lavish attention on your stomach, wanting you to know that he didn’t see them as ugly or imperfect, so you didn’t need to either.

So you dropped your arms and he sat up, you in his lap, and he savoured the removal of your cami, running his hands across your shoulders and stroking his thumbs along the sensitive skin under your breasts. He leant forwards to trail kisses along the route his hands had taken, but this time paused to swirl his tongue around each nipple, your back arching into him at the sensation.

He wound his arms around and up your back, placing his hands near your shoulder blades, supporting you and tilting you backwards, your head lolling back, so he could have more access to your upper body. You could do nothing but grip his biceps tightly as each flick of his tongue over your nipples fanned the fire beginning to take hold low in your belly.

He pulled you forwards and caught your mouth with his again, cupping your face on either side, kissing you like you were a lifeline.

You ran your hands down his ribs to the waistband of his boxer briefs, hooking your thumbs just inside, hoping Chris would take the hint.

'Babe, you’re going to have to get off me if you want them gone,’ he smiled against your lips.

Huffing like it was the hardest thing in the world, you dismounted next to him on the bed and he propelled his hips upwards to pull his boxers down over his ass. You were there to help instantly, dragging them down at the front and freeing his dick. You kept going until they were off his feet and crawled back up his body, pressing light butterfly kisses to his thighs, hips and lower abdomen as you wrapped a delicate hand around his cock, stroking lightly, spreading his pre come with your thumb.

'Hey, hey. Shorts, now,’ he demanded, pointing at your ass, propping himself up on his elbows.

You knelt up, then pulled yourself up to standing on the bed, a foot on either side of his thighs and ever so slowly slid your shorts down your legs, keeping eye contact with him throughout. His were positively gleaming, the blue dark and bottomless. Lips slightly parted and glistening, the only movement was the rise and fall of his chest as his breaths quickened at your little strip show.

He sat up to hold the material still while you stepped out on the unstable surface and then he threw them with abandon across the room before reclining back against the pillows, hands tucked behind his head, eyes travelling the length of your body.

'Fuckin’ work of art, babe,’ he sighed contentedly. A real, girlish giggle escaped you, which embarrassed you even more, but you were so euphoric after the events of the day, you couldn’t bring yourself to care.

So, when Chris held up a finger and twirled it around in a circle while wiggling his eyebrows up and down, you obliged with a good natured roll of your eyes and a smile on your face. And because you felt amazing, you even gave your backside a little wiggle.

'Oh, that’s what I’m talking about.’

'All right big boy, put your dollar bills away,’ you told him as you turned around again, amused. You dropped and straddled him, staying up on your knees as you leaned over him and kissed him again, reaching down between you with one hand to stroke his cock once more, applying a little more pressure this time, drawing a low moan from his throat.

You lowered your hips slowly, connecting with him, surrounding him with heat. You pushed his cock against your clit, sliding his head up and down, coating him with your wetness, spreading it over your swollen flesh.

He sat up then, pushing you so your back was straight, ass pressed into his thighs, your calves tucked under you. You rose up onto to your knees and he gripped his dick, holding your hand in place around him, as you lined yourself up, his free hand cupping your butt.

Your faces were only an inch apart as you sank down on to him, letting him fill you completely in one smooth movement, both of you taking your hands away. He went to cup your other butt cheek, ready to help with leverage when you inevitably began to bounce on him. You placed your hands either side of his jaw, ring glinting in the lamp light, fingertips brushing the short hair at the nap of his neck, foreheads together, panting in unison, savouring the connection.

'I love the way you feel inside me,’ you whispered.

Chris’ only response was a grunt as you pulled up slowly, dropping your gaze down to watch him disappear into you again when you sat back. Then you set your pace, resting your forearms on his shoulders for leverage.

Your bodies were pressed together as you bounced, chest to chest, hips to hips, thighs to thighs. You couldn’t get close enough as a delicate sheen of sweat formed on your skin and Chris pulled out of your grip to draw his lips across your collar bones. You ground into him, trying to get him deeper and deeper, feeling the delicious push and pull of his dick against your walls.

Sensing you’d got your rhythm sorted, Chris’ hands went on a wander, palming your hips, ghosting each ridge of your ribs, skimming up your back to thread his fingers into your hair and hold you to him like you were precious, worshipping you, surrounding you completely with his arms.

You bounced faster as he sucked lightly on your neck and down the smooth plain of your breast plate, feeling your orgasm just beginning to unfurl.

'Chris…’ you practically sobbed, hands wrapped around his biceps, willing yourself to hang on and not shatter just yet.

'I know sweetheart, I know,’ he placated you as one hand travelled down, over your clavicle, dragging slowly through the valley between your breasts, applying enough pressure that you could still feel his touch even after he’d moved on.

He glided down over your stomach and, eventually, finally, his thumb connected with your clit: the lightest of touches but one that made you buck against him. You were so sensitive.

'Is that what you want baby?’

You swallowed thickly and nodded, hoping he would be merciful. You were grinding and bouncing faster and faster, pushing yourself to the edge as Chris’ thumb swirled your clit, setting up a maddening rhythm of light then hard touches. He added a finger and rolled the swollen nub between them.

You were almost there, you could feel it, just out of reach but you clamoured for it, digging your nails into Chris’ taut muscle, losing control of your rhythm and hoping that that would help you lose control everywhere. You were burning from the inside out.

He sped up his manipulations, gliding over you with ease. Two more, three more bounces and your climax finally hit you like a freight train, shattering you as you fell against his chest, Chris’ long groan telling you that he’d come as well with your walls clamping around him relentlessly.

You sat there for a moment or two, catching your breath and coming down from your high until you found the strength to pull your head up and capture his mouth with yours, smiling against him.

'Well, fiancée, that was fucking awesome,’ Chris peppered his words with pecks to your lips.

'Good job at rocking my world, fiancé,’ you quipped back.

He snaked his hands up your back and lay you down, face up on the bed. He pulled out of you slowly, kissing you leisurely all the while, and lay at your side, propped on an elbow and gazing down into your face, one of his legs tucked over yours.

'Shouldn’t you have your legs up or something now?’ He asked, gesturing down your body.

Your brow furrowed, confused for a moment until the penny dropped and a chuckle escaped you.

'Babe, I won’t have even skipped a pill until tomorrow morning, I think it’s going to take some time before everything resets and it works. You’re going to have to be patient.’

'I know that really,’ he placed a hand gently over your stomach and his fingertips began to trace swirly patterns over the skin, 'But you know what they say, practise makes perfect.’

'And we’re going to have a lot of fun practising.’

'That we are.’

But then something occurred to you, 'How are we going to schedule getting married and having a baby. Which one should we do first? Should I keep taking the pill until the wedding?’

'No way! Can’t we just do both at the same time?’

’… you want me to give birth at our wedding?’ You deadpanned, 'I mean, I know the estimations are more accurate these days but I don’t think the best doctor in the world could predict it that closely.’

'I mean, oh Sarcasm Queen of mine, that what does it matter if you’re pregnant at the wedding? I quite like the idea of you waddling down the aisle to me barefoot with flowers in your hair. Like some kind of fertility goddess.’

You gave him a little smack on the arm, 'Christopher, I have never waddled, ever. Even walking into hospital in labour, I didn’t waddle.’

He laughed at your defensiveness and kissed your forehead in apology, 'I take it all back. I say, let’s just not plan to try and work the two things around each other. Let’s just go with the flow, see what happens. It’s going to be perfect no matter what, right?’

'As long as the four of us are there, nothing can possibly go wrong.’

'Four?’ Chris quizzed.

'Well, I imagine Dodger will have an invitation, won’t he?’

The furrows in his brow smoothed out in amused understanding, 'Are you kidding? He’ll be my best man!’

'Can’t wait to hear his speech.’

***

When Chris’ eyes fluttered open the next morning, it was still early. The room had an orange glow where the sun was beginning to come up and his immediate world seemed very still and very quiet.

He remembered the night before and checked under the sheets that you were both wearing clothing. Thankfully, you had remembered to put your pyjamas back on and Chris was wearing his usual soft cotton mid thigh shorts: an addition he’d had to make to his sleeping attire since Annie got old enough to walk into your room unannounced in the mornings, rendering naked sleeping a thing of the past.

He had been facing you in his sleep and he allowed himself now, before he closed his eyes for a few more hours, a moment to admire you. Your hair was swept back on the pillow behind you, your mouth in a perfect Cupid’s Bow (the exact same one Annie had inherited), long eyelashes fanned your cheeks (Annie was also blessed in the eyelash department, thanks to both her parents) and a dusting of delicate freckles danced across your nose.

In the warm glow of the sunrise, you looked positively angelic, and he studied the ring sparkling against your hand splayed on the pillow in front of your face. He thought about how lucky he was to have you, and Annie, how much he loved you both and the life you had made and how now, unbelievably, it was only going to get even better.

There were things on the horizon that were a concern - he’d secretly looked up the chances of post-partum depression recurring after a second birth and the percentages were depressingly high - but you were the strongest person he knew and your relationship could withstand anything now, he was certain.

Although he knew that neither of you were as young as you had been when you first met, he did know for sure that you were both very much in love, and as long as you had that, everything else would work out just fine.

[biofunmy]

Raina Telgemeier became a hero to millions of readers by showing how uncomfortable growing up can be

“I’m proud to tell you at this moment,” Telgemeier said, “I don’t have a stomach ache.”

There was laughter among her ponytailed legions. Over the past decade, the accidental memoirist has grown into a YA rock star by becoming an open book. Telgemeier’s largely autobiographical stories are so accessible and emotionally resonant that there are 13.5 million copies of them in print, as she’s tapped into a largely overlooked comics-loving female readership.

Now, because her fans kept asking, she is getting more personal than ever. The Eisner Award-winning author who launched her publishing empire with 2010′s “Smile,” about her years-long dental adventures as a kid, is prepared to bare new parts of her interior world with “Guts,” available Tuesday, which centers on how fear affected her body.

“This is the reality of my life,” Telgemeier told her fans. She quickly got to the heart and GI tract of the matter: “I was subject to panic attacks and [was] worrying that something was really wrong with me.”

A young girl in a bright-fuchsia shirt soon asked which of Telgemeier’s books was the author’s favorite — from a shelf that includes not only “Smile” but also such other New York Times bestsellers as “Sisters,” “Drama” and “Ghosts.” The author nodded to a few titles before replying: “I like ‘Guts’ because it’s so personal and because people are really getting to know me, the person, when they read ‘Guts.’ ”

On one level, she said in an interview the previous day, the book is about how her anxiety manifested itself. Beginning in fourth grade, she developed a fear of vomit (termed “emetophobia”) and of how her “guts” acted up, which in turn triggered fear about her food choices. On another level, the title refers to mustering the courage to receive treatment and share one’s honest vulnerabilities with people who care about you. (Seven percent of Americans age 3 to 17 — more than 4 million young people — have been diagnosed with anxiety, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.)

Unlike previous Telgemeier books that were dedicated to people close to her, “Guts” is dedicated to “anyone who feels afraid.” That signals the approachable tone of the memoir, which tries to help destigmatize mental illness and therapy and provide paths to discussion among young readers.

Telgemeier notes in the “Guts” afterword that she has employed various therapies and meditation apps and has taken anxiety medication, writing: “They’ve all helped, but I’ve realized that my phobias and worries are just part of who I am. I do my best to manage them!”

It is that kind of comforting honesty that especially appeals to millions of students.

“Kids today are reading more comic books and graphic novels than ever, and Raina is a big reason why,” said Gene Luen Yang, the acclaimed graphic novelist (“American Born Chinese”) and past Library of Congress ambassador for Young People’s Literature. “She’s a true comics superstar who essentially created a brand new category of comics in the American market: middle-grade graphic memoir.

“I still remember hearing discussions in the ‘90s about whether or not girls would read comics — ridiculous, of course, but Raina’s work has proven just how ridiculous,” continued Yang, a longtime schoolteacher. “Not to say that only girls read Raina’s work.”

During a photo op session at the recent festival, Telgemeier’s fans lined up by the hundreds while clutching her pastel-color-covered books, hungry to know more about how she once coped with irritating siblings and bullying classmates and a changing mind and body. She draws her life stories, and they feel seen.

One young festivalgoer asked Telgemeier how she finds inspiration for her stories. The author replied that she sometimes asks herself: “What was the weirdest thing that I experienced in middle school?”

It took Telgemeier many years before she was ready to share from her own experience. Between ages 11 and 25, she kept a private diary created in comics format. She was inspired by such strips as “For Better or for Worse” and “Calvin and Hobbes,” as well as the book series “The Baby-Sitters Club.”

In 2002, shortly before graduation from the School of Visual Arts in New York, she created a short comic about the power of reading the Hiroshima graphic novel “Barefoot Gen” — a gift from her father when she was 9. It caught the attention of the publisher Scholastic, which soon hired her to illustrate “The Baby-Sitters Club.” It wasn’t long before Telgemeier pitched her own story to Scholastic editors.

Telgemeier said some people had doubted whether a memoir about her braces could be popular. But her breakthrough “Smile” is not just about her nearly five-year saga of facial reconstruction after accidentally smashing her front teeth in 1989 but also about the fragile nature of friendship and stirring insecurities in middle school. Students read; critics raved.

Even after the success of “Smile,” though, it was a long personal journey to “Guts,” her third memoir. “I don’t think I was ready to come out of the gate and just start writing about poop,” she said with a laugh. Besides, there was some personal work to be done.

Five years ago, she began cognitive behavioral therapy because anxiety “was starting to impede my life,” she said. But, “When I went to tackle the thing in my life, I started to see the story in it and started to tell the story — because when you go into a therapist’s office, they want to know why you’re there, and where you are. They want to see how it all connects.”

Telgemeier was already 80 pages into a different story at the time. But then she developed writer’s block. While she was stuck, a friend asked about the author’s passing anecdote about anxiety — that “stomach story.” Telgemeier had never written it down, but the friend’s question immediately sparked inspiration.

“I said: ‘You know what? I’ve got to go!’ ” she recounted. “I just sat down, and 11 hours later I had the first couple of chapters sketched out. So it was all in there.”

The Bay Area-based author set out to write the kind of book about phobias and anxieties that she wishes had been available to her as a kid. “Reading is where you find your common ground with others,” Telgemeier said. As a child, “Sometimes you might not know another kid who’s in therapy or tackling a really heavy thing in their life, but you might read a book about it and find yourself.”

This year, Telgemeier published the creative guide book “Share Your Smile,” to prompt her fans to write and draw their own tales. Now, as she goes on tour in support of “Guts” — which has already charted as an Amazon top-10 bestseller — she continues to encourage her readers to express their feelings: “You can’t connect unless you open up.”

Telgemeier hears from adults whose children identify with young Raina on the page and see Telgemeier now as a peer to their parents. Such connections spark healthy family conversations. “I think,” she said, “we could all stand to be emotionally healthier.”

The author believes in addressing many aspects of grade school head-on, including LGBT representation. Her book “Drama,” inspired by her high school theater club experience, features a gay character whose sibling is coming to terms with his sexual identity. The graphic novel won a Stonewall Book Award while also being banned multiple times in Texas.

So will Telgemeier end her memoir series as a trilogy? “I feel like three is a really good number,” she said at the festival.

She then noted playfully: “But I have one or two more stories from my childhood that I might want to tell. So maybe I will.”

Raina Telgemeier will appear Saturday and Sunday at the Small Press Expo at the Bethesda North Marriott Hotel & Conference Center in Maryland.

Sahred From Source link Entertainment

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[anothergirlrecovering]

Dietician day 12

- [ ] I went into my last session with Peggy not sure if I was going to cry or be angry except I ended up being neither. When I went back to her office she was like do you want to do your weight first or have you been weighing and I just kind of looked at her dumbfounding and I was like I’ve been waiting and she’s like OK let’s just go to your weight and I said OK and she was like I don’t know how the treatment center works some of them want to talk to the dietitian and some wait until they’re discharging you kind of just depends on the program I said I wasn’t sure either but she took my weight anyway and then when we got back and I got immediately distracted by a quote that she had on her desk that said something like trying is what saves you or something and I was like that’s an interesting quotebecause I think my husband would say that I’m doing is what saves you and she was like well you can’t do without trying and I was like that’s fair but it just reminds me that trying in and of itself isn’t really enough and I told her about how in group therapy the therapist had ones from the keys on the floor and told Kelly to pick them up and when she went to get them she would push her hand back and say but you’re trying but you’re trying and she couldn’t do them and she said that’s what recovery is like you have to be doing not trying. She said she understood but that she really love the coat because she loved this book that she told him which I wrote down the name of the book she said maybe I could read it while I’m in treatment and she said you see throughout the book that trying is what saves her and it’s a really cool story and she said you have to first try before you do so trying is kind of what saves you combined with doing. and she asked if I had seen Lynn and said that they had talked. I said I knew and then I had just seen Lynn and she asked how that went and I said it had gone well and she asked if we had talked about my parents coming in preparing for that and I said a little bit but not really because my husband will be there and he’s a bit of a buffer but I said that my cousin overdosed and he’s still currently in the hospital but it’s unclear if he will make it and if he does pass away then my parents will be going to Florida for The funeral and I don’t know how that would impact things. Peggy was like eat your breakfast and she laughed and was like I feel like there was one time when I forgot to tell you and you didn’t do it and I was like yeah and I was kind of glad because it meant I didn’t have to actually sit there and eat and be anxious and she was like well I didn’t forget today and I was kicking myself for forgetting that one time. She said if my parents aren’t for sure coming what is stopping me from going to treatment like now and I was like because I need to finish things up at work and there’s a chance they may come and she was like why don’t you just cancel all of that and just go tomorrow and I was like my flight is booked for Tuesday and she was like I don’t think we can wait that long and I was like Peggy I’m not going to die if I wait six more days and she was like you don’t know that and you don’t know how hard your body is struggling right now and I don’t see it being beneficial to wait and just continue seeing your weight plummet in the process. She said how sad it was to hear about my cousin but essentially that she doesn’t think it’s helpful to wait around on my parents to come when she was like you know that they’re triggering and they say things to you about your body in about food in the instill all of this fear.She said I really wanted to go like last week and really weeks before that but really I mean I’ve just wanted you to get home and now I’m really worried and concerned because your weight continues to drop and it is dangerous. I didn’t really say a whole lot and she said that she is just so so thankful that I’m actually going to go and she is so happy for me and again just how thankful she is that it’s like oh yes You are finally taking the time to really start your healing and I think I must’ve just had a look that was kind of like what the heck because she was like waiting on me to say something and I just didn’t and she was like you know I got a text message yesterday from someone who was in similar shoes is you where they didn’t really want to go to treatment and they didn’t think was a big deal and then they went and they were just so thankful and she said thank you for your diligence and pushing me to go because I just feel so different now. She was like not that I’m expecting you to come back and have to tell me any of that you don’t never Omie anything and she didn’t tell me anything either and I was like don’t worry Peggy I’m totally that person who will contact you years down the road and remind you and thank you for the work that you’ve done in my life because like literally I even contacted my old therapist in college and also the therapist I had while I was in treatment the first time around to thank them and update them on my life it just sucks that currently I am you know, right back in that same place and she was like well it’s not entirely the same place because this time around I’m sure you will be working on very different things. I said yeah and apparently I took in a very big breath because she was like what are you thinking and I looked up at her and she was like I saw the body language the big deep breath and I was like honestly I was just thinking about the food that I’m going to have to eat when I’m there and she was like well food doesn’t have an agenda and the nice thing about food is that there’s no surprises food is always going to fall into the three macro groups of a carbohydrate a protein and a fat there are no surprises with them they all fall into that one category and I must’ve made another face because she was like what are you thinking and I was like even with that I’m thinking like but there are surprising food because one time I found a bone in my tunafish can and what if I bite into a Barito which is why I don’t buy burritos anymore and I bite into a weird text your me and that’s it then I lose my mind. She said if it’s a bone it’s probably made up of mostly protein and calcium and whatever your body doesn’t need it will just poop right now that’s the nice thing about your body and knows what it needs and when it doesn’t and it will just push it on through just like when dogs eat plastic and then it comes out in their coop. I said that the thought of having to eat a plate of shrimp makes me want to cry and I can’t fathom even doing it and part of that is the texture and then the other part of it is because I’ve always been told that shrimp are bad because their bottom dwellers. She was like well, as far as I know no one has ever died from having a weird text or chicken or biting into a shrimp so I think you’ll probably be OK. I couldn’t help but laugh and she was like is it really a bottle and I was like yeah I can just hear my parents voice over and over not need the bottom dwellers it’s even in the Bible even the Bible says it’s bad and she was like I guess I just never really thought of it that way with them being bottom drawers and I was like that’s why they have like the van with their shit literally that you have to pull out before you even cook it and she was like I would just be thinking that whatever they are eating is sustaining their little bodies and so it probably is some form of a protein carbohydrate or fat and she was like now I’m curious and I need to look this up she’s like the next time you see me I’m going to be able to educate you on crustaceans and I was like perfect I might even ask my husband because he loves lobster is which is a Nother food that I won’t eat she was like well you probably don’t have to worry about that because I would assume they have a budget and I Can’t imagine that lobster made the cut. She mentioned something about allergy and basically the food chain with eating things and why she would think it would be a protein carbs and fat. She said she had to maintain thing on timing should someone right after me and she took out the goal sheet and was like I’m going to write down that if your parents don’t come at you will call the treatment center and see if you can go earlier. I didn’t actually even say anything back to that and thankfully she didn’t bring up the whole discharge plan and seeing therapists after and maybe that was because she realized that I would have been overwhelmed and cried if she tried to push me to see and eating disorder specialist again and maybe last week she felt like she explained it enough I don’t know. She was like if they have a bed available I really think you need to go sooner because you’re losing weight at a rapid weight and I was like I didn’t lose nearly as much this week as I did the week before and she was like yeah well at a point your body starts to fade to hang on to everything to keep you sustained and I was like yeah and I feel fine which is why it’s so annoying and she was like I’m sure you do feel fine and I was like I mean physically like they’re literally feels like nothing is really wrong I don’t feel terrible and she was like that doesn’t mean that your body isn’t struggling. I brought up how someone through work knew exactly where I was going and she was like yeah I saw that in the app and I was like you know and it wasn’t like it went poorly and I explained how she had brought up that that makes me a therapist that she would want to see you because it means I’m aware when enough is enough and when I need to take care of myself and she was proud of me and Peggy straight up slack both of my knees and was like I told you so I told you everyone would think that way. I was like you know I literally sat there that whole time and getting freaking Peggy said the exact same thing. She laughed and was like I do have some wisdom up in here you know maybe just a little bit but I do have some. I said I knew and I didn’t doubt it. It’s just so hard to believe sometime. She brought up my parents again and re-emphasize the fact that she thinks her and Lynn and my husband would all be on board with me going sooner and I said she was probably right about that but my parents may come and she asked me if I had a plan for coping with them being there and I said well my husband will be there and he’s a pretty good buffer I kind of feel like they probably won’t say anything to dumb in front of him and if he does he’s already said that he’s going to snap. Peggy laughed and was like honestly there’s a part of me that kind of hopes that they will say something dumb and he will get to snap. I told her about my parents grocery list of things that they wanted to be in the house and I was like I already had most of it because I eat pretty crazy like them but they asked for gluten-free bread and I just said no because I’m not buying a loaf of gluten-free bread when my husband and I definitely don’t eat gluten-free and she was like yeah and I was like I think they’ll survive and she was like yeah they don’t have celiac so I’m pretty sure they well. She brought up the fact that I need to be eating at least three meals a day and I just sort of stared at my feet and she was like right? And I was like yeah and she was like so we need to figure out we have a few more days if you don’t go any earlier and she was like what about breakfast where is your husband and I was like he’s already at work and she was like OK what about your dog and I was like he’s with me wherever I am and I explain that he’s my little shadow and my heart breaks thinking about leaving him because he literally will sit at the door missing me when it’s bedtime because he doesn’t wanna go to bed until I come home because he waits for me and she was like a perfect use that as motivation to get better and I was like that’s just so sad and she was like it is sad but he’s a dog he will be OK you will be back for him and we need to use him as support with breakfast right now. She was like I’m drying a picture of him which I thought was really funny and I looked and I was like wait Did you put his ears up or down and she was like crap he looks like a bunny hang on she was like I’m drunk at your dog with a bunny and I was like perfect for Easter and I was like seriously my dog loves food literally if you ask him about a snack or food or anything and I showed her a video of him spinning in circles because of how excited he gets about food and she was like that’s all dogs they all love you and I was like he’s like extra fat and the extra loves it and she was like that is so cute. She was like OK so we are going to use your dog for support at breakfast time look at him sit with him and look him in the eyes remind yourself that you need to eat that breakfast good with him she was like you love breakfast and I didn’t Seney thing and she was like maybe you don’t think you do right now but she was like you always pack really good breakfast and it always looks really good and I feel like you really like the food to bring and I was like I mean yeah I actually do really like breakfast food and she was like OK so why would you be skipping breakfast and I did have a moment of anxiety where I kind of freaked out and was like you know exactly why Peggy everything feels overwhelming because now it’s like I don’t want to be that fat person in treatment who doesn’t need to be there and she was like so it’s the I’m not sick enough and I was like yeah and you know how that goes it’s probably a universal feeling that everybody gets before they go to treatment where they don’t think they are sick enough to need to be there and she was like you know there’s a whole book written about that and I was like I have the book sick enough and she was like I want to read it but I don’t have it yet it’s on my to do list of books to pick up and I was like I know that it’s stupid but it makes it so hard to actually eat when it comes down to eating and she was like OK will that’s why we are going to enlist people so she was like who are you around for lunch time tomorrow. I was like I’m working and she was like OK which of your people can you eat with around lunchtime I start laughing result like I mean it’s a teenager and they would not mind at all and she was like OK perfect will go without one and what about Friday and she was like you know that if you are trying to finish her last days out of work and see everyone that no one is going to mind are you eating with them and I was like I know that you’re right it’s just hard to feel like I can push through all of this anxiety about going and really do it. She was like well you need to do it because you are currently dropping weight rapidly and I’m worried. I was like well I’ll have to even my parents are here at least for lunch and dinner and she was like well I don’t think it’s acceptable for you to skip breakfast with them and I was like they’re not going to be there for Saturday morning breakfast on Sunday morning they’re going to eat breakfast on their own because I’ll go to church without them and Monday morning I’ll tell them to have breakfast alone again because I will be stopping by work to make sure all of the paperwork is done and she was like I don’t think that’s a good reason to be skipping breakfast. I was like I’m not saying it’s a good reason I’m just saying I have a lot of anxiety right now and I will try To do more and it just gets so hard in that moment when I’m staring at the food and feeling overwhelmed and she was like I know and I know it’s a common thing and that’s why I’m pushing you to try to go sooner because I don’t want you to keep dropping and it be harder and harder to get out of it. I asked her how much weight they typically want you to gain a week at three minute she was like honestly I don’t know and it’s probably individualized and depends on the person and me guessing probably isn’t really going to help any either way it kind of doesn’t matter cause you have a long way to go now. She asked about other behaviors and I was honest about purging and that there really hadn’t been anything else. She was like we need to absolutely hold off on that do everything you can to avoid it even if it’s putting the toilet seat down making it one step harder to do. I said I understood. She was like you need to eat and I was like right now. She wrote on my goal sheets to eat breakfast lunch and dinner and then She wrote I can versus what if because she talked about how I always catastrophize Ing think the absolute worst case scenario is about everything and she was like your parents instilled so much fear-based thinking and I was like I don’t what if they’re right and I don’t want there to be that moment where I was like you know Christmas Yves where I’m getting ripped apart for getting fat and my parents are like well we told you had to eat right and they had and it was my fault and then with this I’m like what if I stop eating all these crazy organic foods and then I end up with Cancer or something and there’s going to be that I told you so moment and it’s like what if it’s all really true what they think and she was like all of that stuff is small study based only none of it has been for actually proven none of it is for sure none of it is guaranteed but what is for sure is that all of this stress and fear is not good for your brain or body. She pointed i’ll bet being so afraid a few minutes are really good for me either and then I don’t want to live a life where I’m constantly afraid of literally everything and she was like you want to be able to have a baby one day and be able to nourish your body so that the baby is being nourished and not having to pull it from your body and being able to actually take care of that baby and so you need to be taken care of you and that’s gonna be hard to do if you’re so filled with fear about everything. At a point I was like Peggy I want to be so mad at you but it’s so hard because you’re so freaking nice. - [ ] Also, I forgot but with the talk about changing my flight and going to treatment sooner I was like I’m literally already paid for my flight and I didn’t pay for the travelers insurance to switch my flight if something were to happen antd she was like OK but it’s still not that much money and I was like it might be and she was like in comparison to what and I was like I mean I guess not in comparison to the thousands of dollars I’m about to spend on treatment and she was like well your insurance will help and I was like I still have to pay the out-of-pocket max so several thousands of dollars so I guess compared to that it’s nothing and she was like well the alternative is the hospital and you’re gonna have to pay that amount anyway so that’s your two trajectories LOL I was like OK that’s fair. She said she wants me to take care of myself and get better and she’s really excited for me to go to treatment and then she would see me when I get back so we wouldn’t schedule again. We went to go make copies of the release of info. She was like I’ll be in touch with them or whatever when you call and I was like well do you need me to sign the release of info here and she was like well they’ll have one there and I was like OK I didn’t know if you had to have me sign onto because like for therapy purposes I always have to make sure that I have my own release of info and she was like maybe I should look into it but we may have different Ethicsor I may be unaware and I was like either way it would only matter if I was trying to sue you and I was like don’t worry I will literally never sue you and she was like well that’s good thanks and she said that she often worries about getting soon and she told her husband that he’s always like Peggy you’re literally trying to help people no one‘s going to see you and she was like but I just always worry about that and I was like that’s understandable I do too. She asked me which coffee I wanted purple or black because I had joked about her riding in purple pen and I said I wanted the black copy because it matches all the other ones that I have and she laughed. We stepped back into her office and I picked up my things and she said I’m proud of you for going and it’s going to be OK and she said she will be sending prayers and positive vibes as her non religious therapist says lol and she opened her arms for the hug and I hugged her and she said goodbye. And I headed out. Also I looked at my goal sheet from her later and couldn’t help but laugh because under were she said to call remuda if my parents don’t come to go to treatment earlier than next week she wrote sooner than later. Lol whatever.

[mikeyd1986]

MIKEY’S PERSONAL BLOG 96, March 2018

On Monday morning, I went to see Dr. Mah Mah at Narre Gate Medical Center in Narre Warren. I was running late as usual having slept in this morning, that classic Beatles song “A Day In The Life” could be a running monologue to describe most Mondays for me (Woke up, fell out of bed. Dragged a comb across my head. Found my way downstairs and drank a cup. And looking up, I noticed I was late...).

The issues with my ears from the infection to blockage and soreness through the glands and sides of my face was becoming like an episode of Days Of Our Lives (Previously on Michael’s auditory health issues). I was doing everything possible to treat myself, even spending my actual birthday resting up in bed and giving myself regular doses of pain killers and antibiotics. And yet it still hadn’t cleared up or stop hurting.

Being a Monday morning, the waiting room was packed with mum, dads, tradies and annoying screeching children running around (luckily I could only partially hear them). I wished that my doctor could simply prescribe me with a new set of ears (maybe an ear transplant?) but alas that’s not realistic. She advised me to stop taking the Ciproxin ear drops and instead put 10 drops of Waxsol in each ear for the next two nights and came back to see her on Wednesday. I’ll seriously do anything at this point just to get rid of the pain and discomfort. https://1800bulkbill.com.au/medical-centre/narregate-medical-dental-centre

After my appointment, I had birthday shopping to do as it’s my Mum’s birthday tomorrow. Truthfully, I wasn’t in the best state health wise nor in the mood to be shopping but I didn’t really have a choice. Plus it’s my Mum and she’s important to me and I’ll happily put up with an ear infection for her. My first stop was JB HI-FI Narre Warren where I bumped into my friend Tom Armstrong who happens to work at the store. I briefly caught up with him and he helped me out with getting a powerbank. Tom is an absolute sweetheart, no joke!

Next stop was Chemist Warehouse to stock up on my drugs (of the prescription variety of course). I’ve made a couple of trips here recently and now it’s not as daunting and overwhelming as it usually is. I guess you slowly get used to where all the products are located plus it wasn’t that busy. I managed to be in and out within 10 minutes or so. I needed more waxsol drops, cotton balls, a liquid inhalant for my Euky Bear vapouriser and panadeine forte. https://www.chemistwarehouse.com.au/

Lastly I dropped into a lovely little shop called the Berwick Curtain Nook located inside the Village Arcade and off High Street, Berwick. Whilst I was feeling a little awkward coming here by myself, I pretty much knew what I wanted to buy Mum. I got her a paperback notebook with an elephant on the front, a ceramic ornament with a beautiful inspirational quote and a grey Scottish Terrier ornament.

The lady went to the trouble of wrapping the ornaments in tissue paper and placing them in a bright red gift bag as I mentioned that it was my Mum’s birthday tomorrow. Thankfully it didn’t quite turn into the scene from Love Actually with Rowan Atkinson going overboard with the gift wrapping (Any ribbon? Cellophane? Rose petals? A box? NO THANK YOU!) but my pain threshold wasn’t letting up. However, I was very grateful for her service considering how last minute this was. http://www.berwickcurtainnook.com.au/

On Tuesday morning, we celebrated Mum’s birthday by each having a much deserved massage at Body & Balance in Cranbourne Park Shopping Centre. We decided on getting the oil neck and shoulder massage plus reflexology foot massage and hot stone therapy. The lady did a really thorough job without going too intense in the pressure department. I could actually relax into it even with the noise of the broken air conditioner above me.

I did get myself a little confused though as the lady said something quickly and left the room. I was left there wondering if she was coming back or if I was supposed to go outside the room. I was still feeling half deaf and she was also softly spoken so it was difficult to hear her. Looking at the digital clock on the table, it read 10:30am meaning that I still had another 20 minutes and my massage wasn’t over. So therefore I trusted my instincts, got dressed and met her outside.

Mum and I both reclined back on these circular rotating arm chairs whilst our female massage therapists went to work on our feet. It’s been months since I’ve had a proper foot massage done so I could feel how tense and sensitive they were in places but it was still a lovely experience all the same. The only thing that bothered me was that the massage staff were all having a conversation in Chinese the entire time which I thought was kinda rude. But I decided to let it go and tried to focus on enjoying the massage. https://www.cranbournepark.com.au/stores/body-balance/

On Wednesday afternoon, Mum and I saw Dr. Mah Mah at Narre Gate Medical Center in Narre Warren. I think I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve been to the doctors in the past fortnight but now I’m getting over it. Thankfully the pain in my ears has eased up quite a bit and the waxsol drops have helped to soften up the ear wax blocking up the ear canals. So it was a huge relief when Mah Mah could syringe my ears so that I could hear clearly again.

I also decided to get a blood test ordered as it’s been over a year since my last one. She added a FBE (Full Blood Count), Urea/Electrolyte/Creatine, Cholesterol/Triglycerides/HDL/LDL, Glucose, TSH (Thyroid Stimulating Hormone) and TES (Testosterone) levels. Over the past couple of months, I’ve noticed that I’ve been having periods of low energy and chronic fatigue so I think a blood test would be really helpful in figuring out what I’m deficient in.

In addition (I literally had a list of things to see her about today, no joke!), I wanted to get the dosage of my antidepressants increased. I’ve been taking Zoloft (Sertraline) tablets at 150mg for about 5 months now and my psychologist recommended that I increase it up to 200mg due to scoring a severe level of anxiety on a recent assessment I did. Plus I have noticed that there are times where the antidepressants seem ineffective when it comes to my mood so it couldn’t hurt to try increasing it.

On Thursday morning, I had my first Employ Your Mind session with my support worker Ally Lamb at Wise Employment Narre Warren. Basically, EYM is “a program that helps build the thinking and social skills that are important for work and other areas of life”. Ally recommended it to be as she knows how much I struggle with communication in social situations and dealing with my mental health issues. http://www.fifeemploymentaccesstrust.com/employ-your-mind.html

The first session was pretty straight forward and more of an introduction to the program. There are four phases in total which each run for 6 weeks with a short break in between. Phase 1 is done individually with the learning coach (Ally Lamb) whilst Phases 2,3 and 4 are run in small groups. We went through what her role as a learning coach is and I also filled in a questionnaire called the General Self Efficacy Scale.

The second part of the session involved the concept of cognitive remediation and going through parts of the human brain (frontal lobe, parietal lobe, occipital lobe, cerebellum, temporal lobe, brain stem). Basically it’s about being able to improve cognitive or thinking skills. Lastly we discussed how mental health issues can affect or impact upon cognitive skills and make it even more difficult to learn, concentrate and retain information. http://www.wiseemployment.com.au/en/community/ndis-supports-and-services/

Unfortunately my ears were still not 100% clear even after I got them syringed/irrigated at the doctors yesterday. It’s hard to explain but they still “feel” blocked even though my hearing is a lot better than it was earlier this week. I could be experiencing tinnitus or that my ear canals are too dry and not lubricated enough. Hopefully it clears up and heals naturally over the next few days.

On Friday morning, Mum and I went to the Morning Melodies social function at the Waltzing Matilda Hotel in Springvale. We were running late (no surprises there!) so we didn’t end up getting to the function room until around 10.45am or so. Thankfully we caught most of the performance though. Today we had Brian Muldoon doing the “Johnny O’Keefe tribute” show. It was partly a history lesson as Brian talked about Johnny’s life back in the early 60’s and 70’s, the television shows we became known for and the downward spiral that followed due to his mental illness.

Brian performed many of his classic hits including Shout!, Sing Sing Sing, She Wears My Ring, So Tough, The Sun’s Gonna Shine Tomorrow, It’s too late she’s gone, The Wild One and She’s My Baby. Most of Johnny O’Keefe’s songs carried a positive, uplifting message to them in order to help people’s moods up and push through the tough times in life. I feel like this is very relevant to the challenges we face in life today. https://www.entertainoz.com.au/listings/brian-muldoon/artist_profile_details

On Friday night, I went to a Vinyasa flow yoga class with Jade Hunter at YMCA Casey ARC, Narre Warren. I haven’t been to a fitness class in nearly two weeks now due to my health problems and being busy with other commitments like my birthday, appointments and my VCAT hearing. However, considering my ears were feeling a lot better, I decided to go back tonight. It’s funny how quickly you miss the gym when you haven’t been for a while.

I also read that certain yoga poses can help to unblock and relieve the pressure built up inside the ear canals so there’s another good reason to do. Tonight was a little more challenging than usual with lots of balancing, twists and binds thrown into the mix. I wasn’t really prepared for all of that nor did I have the flexibility to do everything Jade was demonstrating (Putting my legs behind my head? Yeah right!).

We did our usual Vinyasa flow sequence (Downward Facing Dog, Plank, Chaturanga, Cobra/Updog) plus Standing Poses (Warrior 2, Standing Forward Bend, Half Lift, Chair pose, Reverse Triangle pose), Seated Poses (Boat pose, Staff pose, Wide Legged Forward Bend, Happy Baby) and Inversions (Shoulder Stand, Plow pose). I could hear my ears popping which was a good sign plus my body heated up quite quickly during the class.

Jade does go the extra mile though considering we are doing yoga inside a creche. She added candles, burning incense, beautiful yoga music and some brass Tibetan bowls and chimes to the space which gave it the appropriate atmosphere for a yoga class. https://www.doyouyoga.com/the-perfect-vinyasa-flow-routine-for-beginners-30159/

[mikeyd1986]

MIKEY’S PERSONAL BLOG 64, August 2017

“Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.”                                                                                    The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown (p. 39)

On Monday morning, I went to my Healthy Cooking on a Budget class at Balla Balla Community Centre in Cranbourne East. There were a few people away today which wasn’t surprising considering how wet it was outside and so I ended up working by myself. However, it didn’t bother me too much so I was able to maintain my focus on the task and not get caught up in my usual worries. In fact, I was trying to fully embrace my shyness today because it wasn’t bothering anyone else in the kitchen.

Today we ended up making pizza, pizza fritta and a sweet calzone. Making the pizza dough was actually quite enjoyable and very easy to do. Simply combine flour, yeast and sugar with warm water and olive oil until the mixture forms a sticky ball. Then you place it into a bowl covered with glad wrap and leave it in a warm place to rest and rise. Next we all prepared the toppings including capsicums, onions, potatoes, tomatoes, mushrooms and mozzarella cheese. We also made up a pizza sauce by placing brown onions, tomato paste, passata sauce, salt, pepper and basil into a saucepan with water.

Once the pizza dough has risen, you simply spread a layer of tomato sauce and then add whichever toppings you’d like to the pizza base and bake for twenty minutes. The thing I really love about our cooking teacher Jodie is that she’s really hands on, patient, compassionate, forgiving and easy to get along with. She is basically the polar opposite of all those harsh and nasty TV celebrity chefs such as Gordon Ramsey and Marco Pierre White.

If I had to deal with their personalities, I would crumble in seconds. I’m not very receptive to being yelled at and criticised by other people for basically being human. The good thing is that everyone is in the same boat, leaning the absolute basics about cooking so mistakes should be expected. http://www.ballaballa.com.au/progra...

On Monday night, I went to a Bootcamp session with Mandi Herauville at The Yard Strength & Fitness in Pakenham. It takes a lot to get me motivated on Mondays especially after a busy weekend but I just push through the laziness, get off my ass and do it because I know that it’ll be worth it. This is my second time doing a Bootcamp workout at Mandi’s gym and once again it was really enjoyable. There was a really big turnout too despite the rainy weather outside with roughly 10 other clients

We started the session by playing a couple of games to warm-up. The first one involved playing a variation of chasy where we had to run around and try to untie each other’s shoelaces. The second was about activating the core muscles in a cat-cow like positive whilst the other person was pushing and pulling them. Essentially resistance training whilst not moving much at all.

Next we did 5 rounds of 10 medicine ball squats to overhead throws. This exercise was more about the technique than the weight of the medicine ball we were throwing up, though we did gradually increase the weight after a couple of rounds. It kept me really focused and in control. It kinda reminded me of getting ready to throw a netball into the goal ring.

The workout involved splitting up into teams of 3 and doing three different circuits. The first one included squats, high knee lifts and glute bridge leg lifts. The second one included rolling get ups, tuck jumps, sit ups and a 50m run. And the third one included push ups, mountain climbers, box dips and a 100m run. On paper it seems very overwhelming but when you divide the reps between each of us, it was actually quite manageable.

We ended the session by doing a few yoga stretches on the blue foam mats to cool down after the workout. I met Mandi’s puppy Audrey who is absolutely adorable and had the pleasure of giving her a cuddle before I left. I’ve noticed that whenever I’m in a large group of people, I become even quieter than normal. In the past, this would bother me a lot but tonight I was feeling okay about it. Everyone accepted me regardless of how much I spoke or didn’t speak. It’s reminders like these that I need, to embrace the person that I am. https://www.facebook.com/TheYardStr...

On Tuesday afternoon, I caught up with my friend Mandi Herauville (Long time no see :P) for coffee at Nomadic Berwick. As expected, Mandi was running late but that’s okay because I was enjoying the music and having a browse through the menu. It was my first time visiting Nomadic and I’ve been meaning to come here considering how many times I’ve seen the ad play at Village Cinemas with that iconic boar on the sign.

Everytime I have a one on one conversation with Mandi, my head becomes that much clearer and I’m also about to just relax and let everything go. I can display my authentic self to her (thank you Brene Brown!) because she understands me on a mental and emotional level. Some people will never get what’s going on deep inside of me and that’s just the way it is. I’m a very empathetic person and so I can pick up on other people’s emotions and moods also well as understand what they’re going through.

Mandi is both brutally honest and very compassionate and I need both of these qualities. Sometimes wake up calls are necessary evils but so are general reminders about the positive things that I possess within me. I am too hard on myself, get caught up in my own thoughts and worry too much about shit I can’t control. But these things can always be worked on and I’m slowly moving towards creating more happiness in my life.

Later that afternoon, I drove down to The Hunt Club for a Full Body Chinese Massage at Top 1 Therapy in Cranbourne East. This place is fast becoming one of my favourite massage salons. For $39, they go all out with hot stones, oils and warm towels and do a thorough job of releasing stress and tension from almost every part of my body. It’s also a great opportunity to work on my mindfulness skills, directing my attention to all the external sounds inside and outside of the shop.

Some people love conversing with their massage therapist but I’m not one of them. Thankfully the Asian therapists at Top 1 only ask a few questions and then remain silent during the massage. I’d rather just enjoy it without having to worry about making conversation especially when they don’t really know me and vice vesa. And I’m not saying that to be rude either. I’m incredibly grateful for how skilled and dedicated they are hence why I’ll always give them a high recommendation. http://www.top1therapy.com/

On Thursday night, I attended a Pilates Mat class at YMCA Casey ARC in Narre Warren. So I haven’t done a pilates class for probably a couple of months and tonight, I was very much thrown into the deep end. Our fitness instructor Anita didn’t mess around, she made us work really hard. Most of the poses involved core activation and switching on the various muscle groups and it didn’t take long for me to feel the burn.

We did a mixture of standing and seated poses including Single Leg Raises with Double Pulse, Straight Leg Lowering, Crunches, Double D and Bow & Arrow. As tough as Anita was, she was also quite sarcastic and made sure that everyone’s bodies were aligned in the correct position. We all had a good laugh throughout the class which is always really important. Exercise should always be enjoyable no matter what class it is. https://www.fitnessfirst.com.au/fin...

On Friday morning, I had my Strength Training session with Luke Davey at Breakaway Fitness in Berwick. It’s been a fairly rough couple of weeks for me, particularly last Friday when I was on the verge of making a really foolish decision...leaving Luke as my personal trainer. But self-reflection and hindsight are both wonderful things. Looking back, I was clouded by my fears and insecurities with Luke being a mirror (I don’t belong here at UFT. He thinks I’m boring. I’m not good enough. Have I done something wrong? I can’t handle this awkward silence).

Airing how I was feeling inside via social media whilst crying in the car clearly wasn’t a wise decision. Many of the things I wrote last week were so irrational anyway. I had no clarity at all and I basically pushed myself to a cliff edge, about to make what I thought was “the right decision”. But in actuality, I was running away from the problem like I always do. It wasn’t so much being able to connect and click with Luke as my PT but rather how I felt about myself.

Thankfully, this week I was able to re-group mentally and prepare to give both myself and Luke another shot at this. Change starts from within and I really needed to make some pro-active choices to make this work. Things such as waking up half an hour earlier and leaving for my training session 15 minutes earlier so that I wouldn’t have to stress out over the morning peak hour traffic on Clyde Road.

I also decided to look into some helpful tips and advice on how to improve my conversational skills and feel more confident in social situations. I flooded my mini-journal with some of these points so I could refer back to them during my training session. I was determined to make more of an effort with Luke, not just with the training but building a rappore with him. Asking questions about his life, making eye contact, engaging, being present...all of these things really helped.

I didn’t do all this as a social experiment either but rather to practice, develop and improve my social skills which have clearly been lacking in the past couple of weeks. But also because I genuinely do care about Luke. I want him to be successful as a PT, coach and an athlete. I felt like that effort was reciprocated back to me as he asked many questions about my life. Now I feel like we’re in a better place, that he does care about me and wants the best for me. It’s just that my mental illness and emotions got in the way. But now I’m seriously working on it. https://www.facebook.com/breakawayf...

WARM-UP...Today I started by doing some scorpion stretches on the mat by bending each leg over the opposite side of my body before doing some back stretches using a foam roller and the bar overhead. It was actually had making conversation during this as the discomfort was pretty intense and I really had to breathe into it. Finally I did 3 rounds of 12 kettle bell dead lifts.

DEVELOPMENT...I saw today’s deadlifts as a chance to redeem myself. I walked in with a positive mindset and a fierce “I can do this” attitude. I did 4 rounds of 1 rep at 100kg plus a final rep at 105kg which is a personal best for me. I felt really good about my form and technique despite some apparent leg wobbling during the lift. But otherwise, I smashed it today and felt really good about my performance.

Later that day, Mum and I decided to start looking to adopt a cat at the Australian Animal Protection Society in Keysborough. Of course, seeing as there were many cats to choose from, this was going to be really difficult to make a decision. However, I did have a few preferences in mind...female, young, low maintenance, indoor/outdoor and placid. Having an immediate bond with the cat was also very important.

In the end, I narrowed down my selections to two cats named Lotus and Pepper. I was able to hold and pat each of the cats to see if there was any connection there. So far I’m leaning towards Lotus who has a black and white coat, is female and 2 years old. She practically leaped up to the front of the caged door when I walked past and really enjoyed my company so I saw this as a really good sign. http://www.aaps.org.au/Adoptions/lo...

“Don't leave me here with all these critical voices. Cause they do their best to bring me down. When I'm alone with all these negative voices. I will need your help to turn them down.” Alanis Morissette - Spiral (2012)

“Thank you for seeing me. I feel so less lonely. Thank you for guiding me. I hear your bide, you empathy. Ha-a this intimacy ha, ah, ah, ah. There were some days when the trusting was the last of me. You’re quiet too much, you see too less. Except you’re generous, see? To love myself enough, to let you help me.” Alanis Morissette - Empathy (2012)