#just middle of a breakdown and one of my fav episodes is cheering me up

[levinson-mannion]

Currently watching Call the Midwife Series 6 Episode 1 and ruining commentary will probably be added.

Under cut and for the first point calling all CTM Turnadette writers XD

1. Omg can you imagine if Sister Bernadette was still in the order and Sister Ursula was put in charge, even before her questioning. Can you imagine her questioning as well??? Please can someone write this as a fic.

2. On the subject of Sister Ursula the way she told Sister MJ hurt and I despise her.

3. SISTER URSULA KNEW THAT SHELAGH WAS PREGNANT. Or at least had strong suspicion, the comment on eating for two, she can’t if not meant any thing but a jab by it.

4. Sister Monica Joans little hitting of the duster on to the chair is both heartbreaking and sweet because of how much she cares at the same time.

5. Little Mickey is so cute.

6. From the first time I watched this I knew Leister was trouble.

7. SISTER URSULA TOOK THE TV AWAY I HATE HER MORE!!!!

8. Love Delia and the radio.

9. Ugh the party.

10. The worry when the lady seen Phyllis.

11. Tom is so enamoured.

12. The fact that CTM show a domestic abuse couple to me is perfect- showing what happens in real life and how anything can happen to anyone.

13. Also I will throw Leister in prison with ‘Dock road’ up where the sun don’t shine.

14. Mickey 🥺.

15. Favouritism shown by Phyllis to Sister Julienne, not that I am complaining- I would as well.

16. Sister Winifred and Shelagh’s conversation sends me into a fit of giggles every time 😂

17. And the face expressions from the two 😂

18. Not bloody boxing mate.

19. Not everything fine Barbra

20. You can not call yourself a father mate.

21. The panic in her eyes 🥺

22. Well he can't throw a good punch if he can't see and is scared.

23. Peter!!!!! :)

24. I mean, what Peter said is not helping but I still like him, he is just doing his job.

25. No Sister Ursula, you are killing the conversation not the television love.

26. Everyone's expressions says it all.

27. The company will never be enjoyed when you are around Sister Ursula.

28. The police really messed up their.

29. She stood up! Not the best decision but I love her for it.

30. Playing a game 😭

31. DON’T YOU DARE TALK TO SISTER MARY-CYNTHIA.

32. She's out!

33. Sister Juliennes ‘Hurry’.

34. Shut up Sister Ursula.

35. They seen the burns. The look of worry on Sister Mary-Cynthia's face in particular.

36. Dr Turner!!!! THE WAY HE TALKED ABOUT HIS KIDS LITTLE DOES HE KNOW HE IS GETTING ANOTHER I’M SQUEALING!!!

37. When she said church bells I thought of Carrie Underwood’s song Church Bells, which fits situation

38. Yet again, SHUT UP SISTER URSULA!!!

39. You go Sister Julienne! You go girl! She is an icon.

40. What the hell is Leister doing here. He can go to hell.

41. Shelagh 🥺 nothing else to say.

42. Tom marks everything.

43. Little insensitive Barbra.

44. Trudy is amazing- she is so brave!

45. You can see Dr Turner really wanted to kill Leister then

46. Sister Mary-Cynthia 🥺🥺 the PTSD is showing so badly 😭😭

47. The hug.

48. Shulienne moment 🥺 it's so serious BUT I WILL LOVE IT IN TWO SECONDS.

49. The sickness!!!!!

50. ‘Breakfasts have been impossible’ EKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!! I am grinning ear to ear.

51. The way the two understand each other and how happy Sister Julienne is for her- I mean the little ‘Breakfasts?’ I'm dying eeek!

52. She's the first to know 😭

53. Sister Julienne is so not afraid 😭 she is to happy.

54. She never stopped praying!

55. I KNOW HOW YOU ARE GOING TO TELL HIM!!!

56. You tell her Phyllis!

57. That mother is a pig.

58. Dr Turner and Sister Mary-Cynthia 🥺

59. Patsy’s letter omg.

60. Phyllis said that so aggressively I laughed but I shouldn't 😂

61. Oh no Patsy.

62. She is brave, so so brave.

63. I yet again say shut your mouth Sister Ursula!

64. North field! I mean it works.

65. IDIOT SISTER URSULA! You sent her away and I promise that won't help.

66. Unscheduled is one word for it.

67. Patsy and Delia is so cute.

68. Phyllis and Trudy!

69. A ring! 

70. The voice over!

71. Almost time for telling Patrick!

72. Angela watched Shelagh!!!!!!!!!! Also, if Laura can draw in real life I want to see

73. Special is the understatement if the century.

74. Yay for Trudy!

75. AHHHHH SHELAGH US ARRIVING I’M DYING

76. THEIR LOVE LANGUGE IS LETTERS AND NOTES

77. From me and someone else.

78. He opens it so fast 🥺

79. Please will you be/marry my day I'm crying 😭😭 their relationship is so pure

80. The smile and nod!!!!! ��

81. The spin and holding each other!!

82. The way she is wearing her Nurses uniform shows so much development. (I mean if you want to go further she was in her postulant clothes when she probably first read anything of his) She first read the letters in her Habit, she read the proposal in her new lay clothes, she did not really have a place at that point, then she signed Angels adoption papers in her housewife clothes, kind of stuck between jobs, and know she has a husband, a family at Nonnatus and a family which is expanding and a job- as in a nurse with full character development (well there is still more to come but whatever)

83. Phyllis wave is everything 😂

[icharchivist]

perso-rant underneath and at first i intended it to be more light hearted but welp cant dive into myself without digging the bad stuff so just ignore this as rambling.

(idk if the cut works on mobile so as usual blacklist #ichapersonal to skip it , its quite long)

its night and im noisy and all but yknow part of the reason m/lb is such a healing show for me and i rewatch it every couple of days?

i cry everytime M.arinette's family is on screen pretty badly bc i get so envious all the time. i hate my shitty family (and often can relate to A.drien's ressentment) so just seeing such a /healthy/ family being often shown litterally brings me to tears. im like C.hat in the animan episode when he stares at the family picture with a sweet smile (another detail that stupidly make me cry who allowed th i s)

like. i dont relate to A.drien's relation to his family but some of the emotional effects is often a moment of "welp. mood." and being kinda sad /for him/ even if i can feel it for myself too. but then with M.arinette's family everytime they get to be on screen i realize how happy this sort of dynamic makes me and it makes me /so envious/.

like my mom is an artist and an excellent cook but she always barred those interests from me bc it was /hers/ and it was for /her ego/ and this attitude just killed every curiosity i had and remplaced it with a complete unability to care.

i used to bake as a kid but my mom was always shutting down everything i was doing, and if i was asking for help or recieps she would just tell le "it's a secret just watch " and never letting me know tf she was doing so i stopped lmao. everytime ive tried meals since it was only for myself and with a hard mocking from family and mom saying she had a better recieps and i should just let her do so i dont even try it often. (moreeven now that the kitchen is opened to the living room and they're super judgemental when im in it)

i was messing with drawings and paints in her workshop when i was a kid but she would always point out flaws and take my tools to correct it without telling nor showing me how and it killed it, it took me until my 14yo to start doing mindless doodles and then my breakdown when i was about 20 to seriously try back to draw and do art and try different tools (until my right hand made it impossible for me to hold a tool and the failure still feels yknow)

i wanted to sew things and make clothes (at the time for my dolls) but my mom was never letting me touch the tools (that we HAD since not only she made clothes but her mom actually had a fabrique shop. like. right next door. i think it became part of my mom's trauma hating her mom and refusing us to connect with her, more so with what happened when i was 7 and we lost contact with them but still, the damn irony. and i cant remember if my grandma ever let me close her sewing material but i was a damn kid after all) so this is another thing i didnt pursue

i wanted to pick up music (piano mostly) bc my uncle is a musician but my parents never wanted to invest in that because they already gave a piano to my sister (that i wasnt allowed to use) so ye that was dropped lmao

and i started to write when i was about 11 and it was that /one thing/ i didnt need help for from anyone, completely self taught, with my own ways and tools, and my parents were always dismissive of it, never listening to me, always telling me it wasnt important, that i should focus on something else, and after other circumstances that added to that i dropped writting around my 17/18yo and it had been painful to even try to write again since.(i came back to writing around my 20yo a bit before my breakdown but after it happened it started to die out and i felt exhausted and stopped after a few months and since then i've never been able to pick up writing again ay.)

(and im not touching the obsessive elements bc like- the fact she does it for her crush makes it different, but the sort of things she does? taking pictures and putting them everywhere in her room when she hyperfixates, making overcomplicated schedules and such? i litteraly do that with fiction. i made a freaking timeline for this show. i am currently working on organizing codex from d.a and an approval guide for christ sake. and im not talking about my multiple fandom shrines in my room and the fact i legit have one for m/lb made from pictures found on merchs.

or also the fact i have a lot of passions i'd love to share and seeing M. play video games with her dad for exemple makes me so bitter when all i get is backhanded insults from my parents when i bring it up.)

So sometimes i see M. and part of me is just in awe, loving everything about her. the other part of me tho... i feel... a bit robbed? like she's such a creative kid, she's incredible and she inspires me everyday, and i cant help but think how i would have adored her when i was a kid. (im not even kidding, as a kid i requested my mom a costume of black cat for h.alloween and a l.adybug costume for the carnaval. i have pictures of that at my dad's place sadly it kills me. also my room when i was a kid used to be covered with l.adybug stickers like. HELL my mom doesnt care about my interests but last year she bought me a M/LB winter callendar (bc its been years i was mentioning i wanted one, a selfish whim but oh well) and i had a huge double take bc i was certain she didnt remember me talking about this show- and she did not. when i asked her why, she legit told me "because she reminded me of you as a kid with your pigtails your obsession for l.adybugs". like!! i cant even stress how kid!me would have adored this show and especially LB./M.) (the pigtails too this time i have proofs around there i used to carry them all the time until i was bullied for it at school. (bullying at school instead of good friends also adds to the difference in question tbh lmao))

there is something so... weird into seeing the parts of yourself that you cut yourself from in a character, and see that the main difference is because of how the family (and bullies) treated those elements so drastically differently.

my family was always neglectful but differently than A.. the things i relate to with him is how he specifically still holds on hope that his father will do better at least just for one day and his reaction when he's left down saying he's just used to it. and like normal, not every kind of abuse are the same and all but i still relate enough to feel sad.

but M. is always a whiplash of feelings like i could have been this sort of girl in a better environment.

at 13/14yo she was already making stuff up, baking, designing clothes, doing art, she was doing so many things, even forgetting the superhero part. she was being happy being a creator at her pace and with encouragement. at 13/14yo i was starting to show concerning signs of d.epression because i was trying to handle my parents's divorces and the multiple trials that followed that /i/ had to handle by finding middle grounds, allowing some of my father's blackmail to avoid worse, and by litterally having to collect infos from mails everytime to prove against some of his arguments to the judges. and my sister refusing to talk to us for a year, which caused us basically to feel very bad thinking of the eldest sister who ran away from home, and having to handle my father's harrasment and emotional abuse of constantly belittling me (fuck this was the age he legit told me i would probably end up a p.rostitute so ye!!! fuck that!!!) andd the fact my mom was also falling apart from all of it on me and i was always supposed to cheer her up while i was having a hard time in a new school and new environment away from the very few friends i had and again feeling abandonned by my sister which freaking sucks after already had suffered that from our eldest one.

but M. makes me cry every. goddam. rewatch. its like maybe the ultimate wish fufilling story of just how i would have loved my family to be. of how i think i could have turned up.

and that realization hits so badly everytime.

there's a thing with my hyperfixations where i'll always find a way to tie it back to my traumas. i dont know if im pulling straws, or if the things are there. for having watched m.lb when it came out unfazed and only got hit with that realization upon rewatching- i feel it was more me realizing "there is something there that is touching me more than before" and having an introspection to get it.

and i think the difference is that- before my breakdown the characters and stories i related to where the eternal optimistic-yet-damaged "never give up!" type of characters. When things started to go downhill to my breakdown and since then the fictions that talked to me the most were all dealing with guilt coming from toxic environment that werent your fault per se but you pierceved that way. my way to relate were to characters who felt deeply connected to their guilt (peak being c.loud of f.f7 that even topped it with the deadly skin disease making him lose will to live (because ye that happened. still hate to watch out for that so ye), and memories issues, you would have told me at 13yo when i first watched that movie that this would be what i would relate to him about 7 years later i would have laughed at your face.), which translated with pushing people away and self destructing habits.

and i know i watched m.lb the first time around that time, when i was 20/21. and that may be why i didnt feel that. that my concerns were too elsewhere to realize that. That i was too focalized on how i felt like i failed by suddenly breaking under the pressure, having all the things i've kept burried kicking me out at once, and that i couldnt afford to be a burden to anyone. and it translated with me loving characters like that because in most cases their friends ended up reminding them of what was important - and sometimes just getting frustrated about your fav being as dumb as it forces you to pull yourself back together lmao. not always working but it was there.

now im 23. i cut ties with my father for about 3/4 years now, with all the shitty things that ensued out of the last trial where he sued me and his still-happening harrasment (sometimes silly sometimes scary). My mom and step dad are suffocating me more and more everyday. my health had become so disastrous i cant even manage to go school or find a job. And more than ever im frustrated and angry.

and i think it may be a shown of recovery? perhaps linked to therapy? of while i still have guilt of falling apart- /they/ are the reason i fell apart. and I'm yet to have proper apologizes for it. i grew furious at my family. of how much i feel robbed.

lately im so angry at everything i lost, was taken of, stolen childhood all of that- because of my parents, mainly. (hell even the bullying at school - in primary school it apparently started bc of gossips about why my eldest sister ran away from home, and in middle school it was first bc my parents insisted on sending me to private school where i was an outcast. which then had me truly embrassing the outcast persona that had made it impossible for me to be at peace in the two others middle schools i went to. highschool saved my social life tbh).

i think it's therapy and recovery that is making me shift the blame and feel so angry at them. so bitter. and suddenly i see in an innocent kid show a "what could have been". same starting personality, different people to channel this.

and this is. frustrating.

but it makes me love it even more. idk if its driving anything else than ressentment but at least for the time of an episode I'm in a bubble of a.lternative universe where i can forget about my life and feel satisfied at once.

like finding a piece of myself that i deliberately broke and burried to never think about it again, and realize far later how it missed to the whole, and how damaged this piece is now, but still is.

and there is something incredibly healing about that. i would never have thought there would be this much healing out of this anger and yet satisfaction. what a strange feeling.

fiction is funny that way. the things people can get out of it to deal with their own psyche are so different one person to the next.

it's just so weird for me to go from "i relate to the horrors this character went through" to "and fuck those horrors. let me think about what could have been if this didnt happen."

even moreso knowing i had this piece of fiction before and didnt approach it that way. there's a time and a mindset for everything. apparently now was the best mindset for me huh

.......

so ye apparently i cant like something like a normal person and have to go on about how it connects to my deeply rooted traumas lmao.

anyway it's been eating me up for weeks now and it's 4:45am i have absolutly no impulse holding me back. if you sat through this piece of work im sorry. just needed it to get it out of my chest.

i'll go back to hugging my cheap-yet-lifesaving c.laire's l.adybug pillow now

good night o/

[yelenaxxbelova]

i’m writing this for myself. i have so many feelings, i have to let them out.

tvd is the second show i started watching and got really obssesed with. i started watching it in july 2011, i was 16 then, now i’m 22. tvd was a 6 year old journey for me. so it’s huge part of my life. i know it’s “just a tv show”, i know, trust me. but still it’s really hard for me to say goodbye. this show gave me so many emotions through this 8 seasons, so many. i even had a big break, stopped watching for 2 years. i don’t regret that. the show become shitty, weird and i couldn’t stand it any more so i just stopped. i knew watching last episode would hurt, i just knew it. but didn’t know it would hurt me this much. i started crying like a baby more less in the middle of the episode and had bigger and bigger breakdown with time. 

when i realize stefan died, my heart broke in to the little pieces. i hated him lately, i used to love him in first seasons, but now he was pissing me off so much. but i’m super not okay with him being dead. not because i wanted him to be with elena or caroline, i just wanted for him and damon happy ending, that’s it. the relationship between siblings are my greatest weekness and that was the first sibling bond i fell in love with. and not having them their happy ending physically hurts me.

i admit i shipped stelena at first and i was always annoyed by delena shippers (including my sister who used to like pissing me off about that). but i remember how anti delena shippers was saying that damon didn’t deserve elena, i was thinking otherwise. i always believed that elena didn’t deserve damon. now i don’t care that much. i love that delena is endgame, i love that damon could be happy after losing his little brother. 

I love damon, okay, i just love him. damon was vilian at first, but come on, he was good, caring, sometimes a murder, but come on, he was a vampire. i love his jokes and his awesome sense of humor. he made me laugh so many times i won’t be able to count. and i love how he used to call caroline “blondie” and bonnie “bon bon”, his a little messed-up friendship with alaric. and his awesome and EPIC friendship with bonnie. i live for that friendship.

most of the time my fav character was caroline. i even have her picture printed and hung on in my room. i used to love the chemistry between her and klaus. i kind of shipped them but never wanted them together (however weird it sounds). i am not exactly happy about this “klaroline endgame” thing. i kind of prefer her with stefan. again, everybody died or will die and caroline? caroline will be left alone because she is the only who stayed being vampire. i wanted for her happy ending as well.

however for the last 2 seasons bonnie became my fav character. i get annoyed every time i think how much writers were shitting on her, come on. i love her with enzo. they were my relationship goal, i thought i had relationship goal before, but no, i didn’t. they are my 100% goal. can’t stand the way it ended. i wanted them to be endgame. but that would be too perfect. but not everything is lost, he’s ALWAYS with her and waiting for her. that’s what cheers me up a little bit.

this show broke me few times. first time (the pain i will remember forever) was when jenna died. every time i hear “birdy-skinny love” i want to cry, it has been 6 years since i watched that episode and this song still breaks me, incredible. the second time was when caroline’s mom died. this parent dying thing (and grandparent) always hurts me the most. i cried my eyes out and then i stopped watching because i got pissed by caroline switching her humanity off, i just thought back then, that it was not what caroline’s mother would want to see, and i just stopped watching.

when i heard nina was going to leave the show i was laughing so much. a tv show without main character??? come on, this is some bullshit, especially previous episode were big jokes. but the first season elenaless was really good, i liked mama salvatore and heretics plot.

this show always had awesome quotes. when i used to play with photography i was using tvd quotes so many times, it kind of inspired me, which sounds funny to me now.

this finale episode was good, really, really good. it was bitter, it was sweet. and it broke me. i really like how writers didn’t put everyone in their happy moments, that would be bad, that’s not how life looks like. everyone can’t be happy, it sounds really bad, but admit it, it’s the truth. also seeing all this character returning crushed me, lexi, vicky, tyler, liz, elena’s parents, john, FREAKING JENNA (I USED TO LOVE HER SO MUCH), i never thought i would see them again. i love the last scene, it was INCREDIBLE. both elena and damon reunited with their families. EPIC. 

watching this episode hurt me emotionally. i cried so much and so loud, i couldn’t calm down. i don’t think i will be fine for a longer time. i know “just a tv show”. but it meant so much too me. i was 16 when i started watching it, i was more less the same age as elena, bonnie, caroline etc in season 1. I GREW UP with them, i graduated high school, went to college, just like them. like i said before, this tv show is a huge part of my life, HUGE, that’s why i just can’t deal with it being ended. i know one day i will wake up and it won’t hurt anymore, but now it hurt like hell. i kind of feel like i had to say goodbye to really good friend, a friend who i had both nice and terrible experience. it’s always hard to say goodbye, ALWAYS, but endings are important, endings means changes and changes are good and needed in our lives.

I just want to say thank you, tvd cast, writers, fans. i’m not stupid or naive and i know no one will read this, but i just felt need to thank you all for creating this and sharing this awesome journey with ups and downs.

i feel so empty and emotional at the same. it’s really hard, i never thought it would be that hard. GOODBYE TVD, MY BELOVED FRIEND. you will forever stay in my heart.

It’s Been a Hell of a Ride,

xx