#just meant. that. i was overcome w a need to do something

[kitnita]

🦦⭐️

[cxlamarisalxmi]

Being a variant and being on Miles’ side [GN]

[Platonic Headcanons]

c/w: major spoilers, gender neutral terms and pronouns (they/them), no gendered terms used to describe reader, canon inaccuracies? I’m not really sure I’d just gone off what I had perceived from the movie

—

[Unedited]

• Miguel and Jessica had been keeping a keen eye on the teenager spider variant (you) from Earth-2315126 since you’d been bitten at five years old

• Strange thing was your father; Peter Parker was also bit, which meant your dimension had two spider variants as opposed to one— not unheard of but not common either

• It was fortunate for you however because you had someone to teach you, show you the ropes, the fact that it was your father who had become your mentor was only the icing on the cake

• And you were brought up into a spectacular spider variant in his care; strong, compassionate, kind

• Though despite having a father the pair kept a watchful eye on you regardless, seeing promise in your future and believing in your potential

• When you were fourteen your father was killed by Lizard, and for an entire year following you gave up on your heroic persona— hanging up your suit in the wake of your father’s death that rocked your entire world

• Being Spider-Man/Woman is about sacrifice, your father taught that to you when you began and you should’ve expected that you could not have it all

• A loving and doting father and the most badass secondary identity ever, it was always bound to happen and you should’ve prepared yourself for it

• But nobody could prepare themself for the loss of a loved one, and the ache in your chest and the burn in your stomach was something you’d never felt before— nor do you ever wish to feel it again

• So you gave up on the suit and you gave up on being the hero, eventually your Aunt May had stepped in and she scolded you pretty heavily about your state

• You didn’t think she had room to talk and she laid into you pretty hard for that comment because she most certainly did, Peter was her brother after all

• After you got it pretty good you decided that she was right, sulking about and ruining yourself wouldn’t change a damn thing, not only that but you knew your father would hate to see you like that

• You knew he wouldn’t ever force the suit upon you and you accepted that you had the choice to avoid dawning it ever again, but you also knew what he would do in your position

• He would bear the responsibility of his beloved city no matter the circumstances and no matter the heartache, because Spider-Man always gets back up

• So you stood firm upon all the valiant determination you could muster and picked your life back up again

• You got better emotionally and grew stable once more, and in the acceptance of your father’s death you had grown stronger, confident, courageous

• With you back on the streets of NYC the people of Brooklyn often voiced just how much they had missed and needed you

• And you didn’t plan on letting them down again, so despite the lack of a piece of your heart you always showed up when people needed you and you’ve not yet let them down

• Now, back to Jess and Miguel— they had known Peter would die and they had known they could not interfere as this was your canon event, the moment that would make or break you.. turns out it did both

• And they watched as you suffered through the loss, gave up on everything and everyone (including yourself) for a little over a year, worked through your pain and powered forward to overcome your grief, then became one of the strongest variants they had ever seen just before your seventeenth birthday

• Yes, they’ve been watching you for twelve years and yes, you have no idea

• It was on your seventeenth birthday that you had encountered Lizard once again, and this time he had taken enhancement drugs to increase his growth rate to tremendously rapid levels

• To say you were a bit stunned to see Lizard the size of a fucking dinosaur would be the understatement of the entire damn year

• Now, you held malicious and vengeful feelings towards Lizard for a long time in the wake of your father’s murder but it was feelings you had never ever acted upon, not even after you decided to pick up the suit once more

• As mentioned before you knew very well that the angry and hateful feeling brewing inside you at the expense of Lizard killing him could ruin you if you let it

• And that’s not where your morals lie, your beliefs and virtues are straight from those of your fathers— to be strong and courageous, righteous and pure for being Spider-Man/Woman is about hope

• So you did intend to take him down but you’d never do it with sinister intent or threatening tactics— just bring him down is all you wanted to do

• And if you were to speak honestly, it wasn’t as hard as you thought it was gonna be, obviously it was still pretty tough because hello? He’s the size of a fucking house, might as well be fighting a damn dragon

• It was easier because you’d felt at peace with yourself, and when at peace with yourself you worked harder and cleaner, jobs and protecting the city was just.. easier

• The fact the fight was easier than you expected could’ve also been because of your bite, the abilities you had gotten from it were a bit different than your father’s

• See, you’d been bit by a radioactive spider yes but it was a specific species and in accordance with that species you’d gained significantly different skills and traits

• The spider that had bit you was a Northern Wolf Spider, the arachnid gaining that name from it’s behavior of chasing, hunting and stalking prey, and in an odd turn of events you’d gained qualities that were more akin to that of a North American Timber Wolf

• Heightened senses came with the bite for every variant, and your specific qualities included; advanced stamina and strength, increased sense of sight, tremendously keen sense of smell and auditory processing, you had thick and durable fangs meant for tearing and searing

• You also bulked up a whole more more since your father passed, and in gaining more weight in pure muscle you’ve had to make your webs more durable, which helped out a lot with your fight against Lizard

• Speaking of—

“They’ve probably got it handled Miguel, is there any reason to actually go to their dimension?”

“I protect the multiverse which makes anomalies my responsibility, regardless of if that variant can handle them or not. And I’m going to have them join us.”

Jessica didn’t say much after, and she followed Miguel dutifully as he walked into the glowing orange portal. The pair flew through the multiverse for all of two seconds before a portal opened ahead of them and they were dropped onto a roof in your dimension.

“Went a bit too heavy on the ‘roids didn’t ya Doc?” The voice of a young teenager caught their ears. Just off to the side and a couple blocks away. Now facing that way they could see the large head of Lizard standing tall over the lip of the building on the distance.

“Is.. is that?—”

“Dr. Curt Connors.”

You leapt off the metal grail of the fire escape just as Lizard destroyed it with a whip of his massive tail. Using the momentum from your jump you swung a reverse axe kick to Lizard’s chin— putting enough force into it to throw his head back as you flip-jumped from him and landed on the road down below.

“I’m going to rip you apart and feast on your innards!” Lizard snarled as he recovered and glowered down at you with a sinister bear of his teeth.

“Season them well first at least, I’d suggest a nice barbecue rub!” You responded before shooting a web to the corner of the building on your left and swinging yourself into the air. Lizard roared angrily before lunging forward and attempting to catch you between his teeth. They snapped close with a chilling clamp and throaty growl from the beast.

Reaching the corner of the building you had shot your web at you leapt up and backwards flying over Lizard’s head and connecting a web to the side of his muzzle.

“Almost got me there!” You yelled as you swung around and around Lizard’s large scaled snout. “Don’t you know that animals that bite are often fitted with muzzles!” You quipped, enunciating the last word with a firm tug thus tightening the webs you’d been wrapping around his jaws and effectively sealing his mouth shut.

You kept the momentum and attached another web to the end of the one you’d been swinging around his muzzle. Then, you angled your hip to swing towards Lizard’s legs and using the same tactic looped around them several times before you were doing the same thing for his arms. When you deemed him wrapped up enough you landed behind him then tugged hard on the web end in your hand and forced Lizard to the ground by pulling his feet out from underneath him.

Once you were sure he was on the asphalt you were swift to web him up tightly and bind him to the ground. Hopefully, Captain Stacey got your message about the antidote and would arrive soon with it.

Meanwhile, as you waited you playfully walked along the edge of the building. The lip acting as your balance beam as you walked on your toes along it, doing a flip every so often just cause. You’d long since forgone your mask in favor of eating the sandwich gifted to you by the bodega owner on the corner.

Your spider senses tingled before—

“That was pretty impressive.”

You only flinched slightly at the abrupt interruption of your own little world, and turned to see two people. One, a very tall and broad man with wide shoulders and a muscular physique. The other, a woman with dark skin and a styled afro.. and she was pregnant.

“Uhm… thanks?”

“Was that a question?”

“Sorry it’s just—” you shook your head before jumping down and only now standing on the same level as him did you realize how tall the man actually was. “Who exactly are you two?”

“I’d think the suits gave you plenty context.” The woman replied, a smirk tugging up one end of her lips.

“Okay.. and why are you here?” You answered, still on edge about the two variants standing in front of you.

“My name is Miguel O’hara, and I lead an elite strike force dedicated to helping maintain the multiverse.” The man responded and you quirked an eyebrow at him.

“That still doesn’t explain why you’re here?”

“There was an anomaly reading in your dimension and we’re here to retrieve whatever villain has jumped into your universe.” The woman explained, jumping in to answer before Miguel could.

“You mean Kingpin?” You replied pointing to the billboard behind them and they both spun around to find the suit wearing antagonist webbed to it. Thick, white webs covering his entire body save for his neck and head, finally a web over his mouth. And they all watched as he glitched and morphed in colorful and mixed patterns, the board he was attached to glitching out too before changing entirely.

“How did you?—”

“My AP Physics teacher won’t shut up about the multiverse and also he doesn’t look my Kingpin at all so.. I mean you know,” they shrugged.

Miguel turned his head slightly to look at the woman beside him before he jerked his head minutely then he was facing the teenager in front of him once more. You met his masked stare head on (something he was impressed by, not many people can meet his intimidating glare straight on) as the woman walked away from you two before slinging a web up to the billboard and pulling herself up to it.

“You know the whole sinister and dark ‘nobody touch me I’m emo’ vibe you got going on isn’t very heroic.”

Miguel didn’t say anything, didn’t move an inch as he just stared at you. “See that right there isn’t becoming of someone who’s supposed to make people feel safe.”

“I protect the multiverse.”

“Right. But there are ordinary people in the multiverse, in every dimension you’ll find people.”

“The multiverse is my priority.”

“Yikes, saying things like that are not very becoming of a Spider-Man either.”

Miguel turned his observant stare cold as he chose to glare at you instead for the disrespectful responses and jokes. And he figured you must’ve felt he’d changed to glaring heatedly because you awkwardly looked away with a hand rubbing the back of your neck.

Finally, the woman returned with the Kingpin variant at her feet. This one significantly smaller than yours and lankier too, he must rely heavily on his Tombstone and Prowler. You’d rather have this Kingpin as opposed to your Kingpin— who for some reason is built like a fucking overgrown Silverback Gorilla.

She fiddled with the watch on her wrist before a golden portal erupted into life beside her, and you watched as she threw the Kingpin variant in before stepping in herself. But not before saluting you a goodbye with a playful glint in her eye and cheeky smirk on her face.

The portal closed and then your attention was back on Miguel, and your spider senses tingling brought a hand up to catch the watch he threw at you.

“Join us?”

You looked from him to the device in your hand, then you looked behind you at the Lizard on the ground down below. Captain Stacey at his neck and injecting him with a vial of clear liquid. You turned back to Miguel with a smirk and eager look as you slid the watch onto your wrist. “Sounds like a damn good time.”

• You didn’t know if you actually wanted to be there at Miguel’s Spider Society or whatever he’s calling it but you were also a bit intrigued by it

• So you followed them when he offered you that watch, and you grinned as he gave walked you around the building, giving you a small tour of his headquarters

• When you met Peter B. Parker you had an emotional breakdown and refused to return to the society for days following your first interaction with the man

• When you finally went back he was concerned that he’d done something wrong to garner such a reaction but you were quick to jump in and let him know it was in no way his fault before you explained why you had reacted as you did

• He was more than understanding, offering to keep his distance if that was what you wanted and whilst you appreciated the gesture you told him you would be fine

• And spending time in his company had begun to fill that gaping hole in your heart, obviously he’d never replace your father and you didn’t expect that of him either but his fatherly presence made you feel better than you had in years since your father’s passing

• Mayday was just an added bonus to his presence

• Time passed and you were there for a couple months before you met Gwen Stacey, and the two of you clicked almost instantly, it was a bit odd for you since the Gwen from your universe was about three years old and hadn’t been bitten but you got used to it

• And in that time you’d also learned the pregnant woman’s name was Jessica and that she was Miguel’s right hand in his society that he created

• You’d also met Hobie Brown and Pavitr Prabhakar whom you’d come to adore more than you’d ever outwardly admit lest you wish to give them egos the size of fucking Mars (but those two alongside Gwen were definitely your favorites) (behind Miguel ofc)

• Speaking of, you’d also grown quite close to Miguel in your time as part of his society of spider people, which was a huge surprise to yourself, him, Jessica and pretty much everyone involved

• He couldn’t really explain what it was, just something about your energy and the way you carried yourself that had him intrigued and impressed

• Your attitude that alluded to you never giving up was something he admired about you too, and it was those qualities that drew him in, made him want to protect you

• The bonding with you was something he didn’t expect to happen but was shocked when he wasn’t against it, and he ignored the initial reluctance and fear that he felt when you two began to get closer and closer

• Maybe it was the little things, the way you’d check up on him after a particularly harrowing or difficult mission, or the way you’d do anything to see if you could get him to crack a smile, there was something about your mere presence too, something warm and comforting

• Something he hadn’t felt since his young daughter was still a part of his life, and he was afraid of the consequences that would follow if he ever got close to you and lost you

• The same heartache he felt for his daughter would return, and it was pain that he didn’t want to feel ever again, that’s why he kept himself so guarded, those broken and vulnerable pieces protected behind vaulted steel doors

• But you had somehow managed to slip through his barbed defenses and made yourself right at home in his heart, and again he was initially afraid of the possibility that he’d lose you too and he’d face that pain all over again

• He doesn’t remember when or how he got over it, but he does remember the feeling that washed over him when he finally accepted your friendship

• It felt akin to a bucket of cold water being dumped over that fiery and searing ache in his chest, relief and comfort that he felt weigh so heavily on his chest he almost cried

• After that your guys’ relationship developed to much deepen levels, and he’d never admit to your face but you had quickly become his favorite and he would do anything to protect you, protect your bond like his life depended on it

• And just like Peter, his mere presence seemed to make you finally feel whole again… complete

• And as time continued to pass you’d only grow closer with the two men, finding safety and comfort in their arms, safety and comfort you’d been craving since you were fourteen years old

• Then, Miles Morales came along and everything went to shit

• Despite being on his team for months Miguel failed to mention that there was a spider variant that was an anomaly

• And in failing to mention that you had to figure it out on your own when Miles’ scent hit your nose and he smelled drastically different from the other spider people

• He smelt odd, unnatural and unusual… strange

• It didn’t take you long to figure out that he was an anomaly but you still figured it out by the way his scent, and you thanked the stars for that particular gift you got from the species of spider that had bitten you

• After Miles, Hobie and Gwen returned from the rescue they accomplished in Pavitr’s dimension at the expense of Spot is when things went from bad to ultimately worse

• Miguel had hoped somewhere small in his chest that you would side with him but he knew in a significantly larger part of him that your morals would not allow you to stand for him preventing Miles from saving his father

• Miguel knew that if you had known your father would’ve been killed that horrible night those years ago that you would’ve interfered without hesitation

• So he was not confident that you’d agree with him and well over half of the rest of the spider variants that this is something that must occur

• And he feared the confrontation with you, he feared the hate he’d no doubt see in your eyes when you find out this is where he stood on his opinion about the situation

• He wasn’t wrong either, because when Miles had returned and they all had cornered him after Miles discovered that Spot would be the cause, you didn’t take it all that well—

You were conflicted, you cared about Miguel but you’re morals and beliefs were very important to you— defined who you were. They were instilled into you by your father and you truly believed that by following through with them to the end you were keeping his legacy alive.

And they were loud in your ears right now, deafening in their prominent voice as you watched Miles get more and more tightly wound.

The thing was.. you agreed with him. And your father would’ve agreed with him too. There is no way Miguel knows for absolute certainty that Miles’ universe would collapse if he saved his father. And there’s no way any of the other spider variants could possibly know either.

There were facts and evidence on Miguel’s side but again— your values were speaking much louder than him. Because your father would’ve been disgusted by the behavior these spider variants were displaying, and he would’ve straight up hated Miguel. That you were absolutely sure of.

“This is wrong Miguel,” you spoke up and the spider variant you were speaking of turned to look at you. “You’re just going to let someone die when you know you could change the outcome? How could you possibly think that’s okay?”

“[Y/Name]—”

“Spider-Man isn’t about the acceptance of loss and grief yet to come, Spider-Man is about hope, hope and promise of a greater tomorrow. Hope that there will always be someone there to help… someone there to protect those who can’t do so themselves.”

“The security of the multiverse is important!” Miguel argued, his tone aggressive and his expression frustrated as he ignored the ache on his chest. The ache that had erupted into existence at the expense of his theory proving correct— you would be against him.

“No! What’s important is not standing by and allowing someone to suffer or die! If that’s truly what you believe, then you don’t know the first damn thing about being Spider-Man!”

“[Y/Name]…” Peter B. trailed as he got your attention, walking closer to you and putting a gentle hand on your shoulder. “We cannot interfere.”

You smacked his hand off your shoulder and stepped back and away from him several times to be standing beside Miles instead. “You too? Peter this is wrong, so unbelievably fucking wrong!”

“[Y/Name], I can’t let you get in the way. I’m sorry.” Miguel apologized before he was throwing something at yours and Miles’ feet. The device activated and put up a scarlet force field, Miles panicked and beat against the walls. As the variants outside the force field argued you looked to Miguel and Miguel only. And he looked right back. You just stared at him, eyes hard and brows taut and pulled together as he stared right back.

You ignored Miles as he continued to search for a way out, Miguel finally pulled his eyes off yours as Peter B. advanced on him. “Miguel! This is taking it too far!”

“He’ll only do more damage, we all know that!”

As they continued to argue outside the shield you turned your back on Miguel and flexing your fingers extended your thick and powerful claws. You could tear this force field apart if you truly tried, that’s what you were going to do. But before you could even put your hands up your senses tingled and you instinctively put your arms around your head to protect yourself as the shield was destroyed by a powerful electrical surge.

When Miles destroyed the force field he hesitated for but a single moment before he turned, grabbed your wrist and took off.

“[Y/NAME]!”

You distantly heard behind you before you were freeing yourself from Miles to run beside him instead, and you two sprinted through Miguel’s headquarters with you leading him seeing as you’ve already been there for close to a little more than six months.

Getting out wasn’t hard, at least not for you. The variants certainly tried but they weren’t any match for you. A well seasoned and thoroughly trained hero with twelve years of polishing your expertise and craft to a fine point.

Miles had a little trouble keeping up but you didn’t get too far ahead of him in which he couldn’t follow, you two only got separated once. And whilst you weren’t entirely sure where he’d gone off to, you had the absolute pleasure of facing off against Miguel (note the sarcasm).

Your senses tingled as you discreetly swung through the underbelly of Miguel’s HQ, and you pulled yourself up just in time to avoid Miguel’s web. And the two of you fought and danced around each other throughout headquarters. Miguel trying to capture you and yourself avoiding that outcome at all costs by expertly evading him. When you had finally reached outside you met up again with Miles on the train overhead cover that was speeding upon a vertical track at astronomical velocity.

It was hard to hang on, even more so with Miguel on your ass but you made due. Better you than Miles and you’d gladly fend off Miguel for him if it meant he could find his way home to save his dad in time. Maybe it was a selfish part of you that wished something for him that you wanted to have, or maybe you truly just wished only the best for the younger variant.

Either way, Miguel was kicking your ass instead of his and you could live with that.

The 2099 Spider-Man choke slammed you onto the cold, hard metal of the futuristic locomotive and pinned you there by a hand around your neck.

“Can’t you see?! He’s the original anomaly! He’s not meant to be here! He is not Spider-Man!” The man snarled in your face. The anger he was feeling making his fangs appear and he sneered down at you, bearing them ferociously.

“He’s more Spider-Man than you’ll ever be!” You retaliated, attempting any sharp words pointed enough to cut him deep and painful. And you watched as his face turned and grew solemn for only one second before he was darkening his expression and snarling at you again.

“I hate to do this to you, but I can’t lose you over this!” He yelled over the roaring grind of the moving train. And your heart fell to your toes when he beared his fangs again— this time with a wide open mouth. A second later he was lunging forward intent to inject your body with venom.

You thanked whatever god above was listening for your much quicker reflexes as you caught him by the lower jaw and redirected his lunge to the air beside you instead.

Then you were bringing your legs up and forcing him away from you, not wasting a second you shot a web to the top car of the locomotive. You pulled yourself all the way up to where Miles had perched himself, and just before you could get a word out Miguel erupted out of nowhere and tackled Miles down.

You moved to help but got a web wrapped around your wrist instead, whoever shot it pulled you off your feet and then you found yourself under Peter B. Parker and Mayday instead.

“[Y/Name], enough!”

“No!”

“You can’t change destiny!” He argued, just as Miguel had done before, pinning you to the ground— though Peter’s was less of an attempt to capture you and just in a way to get you to listen to him.

“We control our own destiny Peter.”

“This’ll put the multiverse in danger! If you’d known your father would’ve been killed that night would you have saved him even if it meant there was an off-chance of your dimension being destroyed?!” Peter was just trying to reason with you now, and you stared directly into his warm brown eyes as you answered him.

“Without question.”

Peter drew back a bit at your response, then you watched behind him as Miguel flew overhead. That was your cue, so you grabbed Peter’s shoulders and utilized the enhanced strength of your specialty skills to push him off you.

Not enough to hurt him or Mayday but enough to give you space to escape, which you did. Once given enough breathing room to leap you leapt, jumping from the locomotive to fly through the air instead. Miles followed you, and Miguel was right behind.

You didn’t get much of that end of the chase, swinging directly to the headquarters and sneaking in past Kess and standing on the platform the machine usually used to send variants back to their proper dimensions.

It was minutes later when the machine suddenly came to life and you watched as the numerous screens turned on, looking a little closer you saw that it was Miles and that he was using his invisibility power to get the machine up and going.

Seconds later you felt his presence land beside you, and as the mechanical spider above lowered down and began creating the web to send Miles home and consequently you to his universe— Miguel erupted through the glass doors like a bat out of Hell.

And you stood back and watched as he sprinted to the platform’s edge, leapt over the gap and began furiously clawing at the web’s exterior.

Just as he was pulling it apart, the sequence completed and you and Miles were lifted into the air as the portal was created before the machine was throwing the two of you through the multiverse and into Miles’ universe.

• After the exhausting and frustrating chase, and even more annoying escape you and Miles had made.. you decided to follow him to his dimension, if only just to see that he’d be okay

• But he took off the second he was back in his own universe (or so you thought) and you were quick to follow, calling out his name in an attempt to get him to slow down but he did not listen

• So you just followed as he swiftly made his way to his apartment, only upon arrival you decided it might be best if you stayed outside which is exactly what you did, and you listened as he told his mom the truth and she responded with a question of her own not knowing who he was referring to

• When your spider senses started tingling uncontrollably is when you though something might be wrong so you webbed yourself to the roof of the building directly across Miles’ apartment and just observed from there

• As you watched him interact with a man that you assumed was his uncle your senses tingled again only it was too late to react when a muscled arm wrapped around your waist and a gloved hand covered your mouth, and then you were pulled backwards and through the portal into another dimension

• Upon arrival at the new universe you were pinned to the ground on your stomach by a heavy weight much larger and much stronger atop you, holding your arms in the small of your back and forcing you tighter against the ground

• You knew it was Miguel and you knew that unlike back at headquarters this pinch would be tighter to get yourself out of— so you didn’t intend to fight against him, you’d already done more than enough for Miles and on the off chance he still needed you then and only then would you fight for him again

• Until then, you’d accepted the fact you’d been captured, so you slumped to the rain soaked concrete of the building’s roof, and as you lay there you could only hope Miles had reached his father on time

—

a/n: Feel like it got kinda lame at the end but I hope you enjoyed the first post of the blog regardless! I’m super excited to get this blog started! Spiderverse is my hyper-fixation right now so that’s what I’ll be focusing on for a moment! Again, hope you enjoyed! Ciao!

[jenomi]

i love you, i'm sorry

pairing: idol!jeno x idol!reader c/w: light physical abuse (reader falls on the floor) a/n: you ask and you shall receive! i got a lot of requests for a part 2, so here it is :3 read part 1 here!! but this can be read on its own :)

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I push my luck, it shows Thankful you don't send someone to kill me

"why??" you cried tears streaming down your face, "just tell me why, and i'll go."

jeno could only look down at his feet as you asked him for a real reason why he was breaking up with you.

you were fully aware how pathetic this looks from an outsiders perspective, crying and begging for an explanation from a man. but it wasn't any man. it was jeno. your jeno.

"is it something i did? tell me, i'm sorry! let me fix it and make it up to you" your knees stung from crouching on the couch and your eyes and throat hurt from the tears you're shedding.

"i don't see a future with you, y/n" jeno whispered.

you looked up quickly, your eyes opened wide in shock. your voice is so small, you weren't sure if he heard you when you said, "what?"

you always talked about your future. in all honesty, jeno would talk about it more than you. how he'd buy a house for the both of you to start a family and a place comfortable enough to stay home and never have to leave. you loved talking about your future with jeno. it brought you so much joy and comfort. so him using this as a reason to break up didn't make sense but it also hit you where it hurt. how could it bring you comfort when it was the same reason jeno was leaving you?

"look at us now!" jeno was frustrated now, "we barely do anything together, we can't even go outside without being scared. you barely have time for me. how would we ever last?"

you sat there stunned. you were at a lost for words. you thought your love for each other rose above all those problems. you talked about them at length with each other, and you would always assure each other that it was no problem. even last week, you had reassured each other. but now, jeno's coming back and saying it was all a lie? and he's not happy?

jeno shakes his head as he gets up off the couch, "i'm going out, when i come back, have your stuffed packed up and go"

you chase after him and grab his hand. "please baby no. i'll tell my company, i'll find a way to make it work please just don't leave right now. let's talk." you were back to begging.

jeno tried to shake your hand off his. overcome with emotion, jeno used too much strength, and when he tried to shake you off, his force caused you to fall on the floor.

you cried out when you landed on your hands and knees. jeno was so shocked and confused. it was an accident, he never meant to hurt you.

you started sobbing but jeno couldn't comfort you, so he left. he left you crying and bruised on the floor of his apartment.

jeno winces at the memory. he couldn't believe he hurt you, both emotionally and physically, at the same time. what possessed him to do that? he was raised to be a gentleman, but in that moment, he was everything but.

he's surprised he's even alive right now. he knows you told all your closest friends, including his best friend, jisung who you were closest to. he knows the only reason his life wasn't threatened was because you told your friends not to come for him.

and now he's at your door. he knows there's a high chance you'll slam the door in his face, but he needed to see you and speak to you to ease the pain in his chest. he hopes with his whole heart and soul that you'll let him in, because if you don't, he doesn't know if he'll ever be able to recover.

jeno takes a deep breath before knocking on your door.

I tend to laugh whenever I'm sad I stare at the crash, it actually works

you open the door only to pause in shock to see your ex-boyfriend at your door with take out from your favorite restaurant.

"hi?" jeno meant to say but it comes out as a question, a scratch of nervousness and sadness in his voice. "did you eat yet?" he raises the takeout to his chest.

your heart throbs at the question. he would ask you that all the time when you were together and would always nag you to eat something. in the end, he would always order the perfect thing for you, exactly what you wanted even if you didn't know yourself.

"no.." you whisper.

"can i come in?"

ashamedly, you open the door further to let him in without any hesitation. relief floods through jeno's veins.

jeno moves through your apartment with ease, knowing where all your utensils and plates are, knowing which drawers have soft close and which don't, it's like he never left. your heart splints down the middle once again remembering that your relationship isn't what it once was. despite that, you let out a small laugh.

"why are you laughing?" he faces you, eyes curious.

"i don't know," you reply, "i guess i'm sad."

now it's jeno's turn for his heart to split, since when do you laugh when you're sad? is he the reason why? he hopes not, he wants you to remain the girl whose laughter is full of joy, not a girl who laughs to cover for her sadness.

jeno doesn't know what to say, so instead he asks, "how have you been?"

you think it's ironic that he's asking you that knowing full well that he saw you cry during your performance last week. your performance dedicated to him. that night brought up a lot of memories for you, happy memories and seeing jeno on the verge of tears there made you think he missed you too.

but then you remember how it ended. how he left you broken on his apartment floor and then told you to stop reaching out to him. looking back at the mess that was the end of your relationship, you found yourself pushing the memories towards the back of your mind yet again as a feeble attempt to move on.

"fine," you lie. jeno only nods in response.

I wanna speak in code Hope that I don't, won't make it about me

jeno pulls out a chair for you and gestured for you to sit down, then takes the seat closest to you. he begins plating the take out food for you. you want to stop him and tell him you can do it yourself, but its been so long since someone's taken care of you that you can't help but just let it happen. jeno's glad you're not retaliating since he wants to take care of you. it's like second nature to him. he wants to take care of you for the rest of his days. but he doesn't want to scare you off. especially after what he did.

"i saw a smiski at a cafe the other day," jeno says before digging into his food, "i thought of you."

you loved smiskis. they were scattered all around your house, with one sitting with you at the dinner table now. you loved how they were little companions representing a silly, comfortable home life. it reminded you of your own life, and your life with jeno as homebodies.

you smiled at jeno before taking a bite as well. it was cute that he saw those figurines and thought of you. "my friend went to watch the f1 race in the UK and I thought of you when McLaren didn't win," you tease.

jeno chuckles, flashing his signature smile making your heart throb, in agony or love? you're not sure.

you fall into a comfortable silence as you share your meal together. it was alarmingly easy to act like this was just another day after work with your boyfriend.

"how have you been?" you finally ask in return. it was only right.

"busy," he admits. he doesn't want to say there was a reason he purposely tried to keep busy. he didn't want to burden you. and he definitely didn't want you to think you were the problem because he knows it's all him.

"are you taking care of yourself?" you ask him.

"not as well as i was when i had you," he looks into your eyes.

you're stunned into silence, yet again, but with hope and not dread like the last time he spoke to you.

he sets down his chopsticks before folding his hands and facing you, "i came here to tell you i'm sorry. i'm sorry for how we ended and how i left you. it was a shitty thing to do and it haunts me every time i close my eyes to sleep. i don't expect you to forgive me, i wouldn't forgive me. but i know i hurt you with the way i treated you, you didn't deserve that. and i just want to say i'm sorry and you didn't do anything wrong. i was out of my mind. please don't blame yourself."

the wind is knocked out of your lungs at his confession. you were overwhelmed by him admitting his wrongs and calling you out to tell you not to blame yourself, because you were. he apologized but didn't do it to make you forgive him, he wanted to help take the burden of wondering what you did wrong off your own shoulders. it was the closure you needed.

the back of your eyes tingle with tears.

"don't cry," he says wrapping his warm hand over yours on the dining table, "i'll go. i don't want to bother you any longer."

he grabs his plate and rinses it quickly in the sink before heading towards the door.

much like the last time, you quickly get up and grab his hand, "don't go."

jeno turns around, eyes wide and looking into your soul.

"don't go. stay. it's late. you can sleep on the couch." you say still grasping his hand with tears in your eyes.

"okay," he whispers slowly. how could he leave when you ask him to stay?

you grab an extra pillow and blanket from your bedroom and bring it to the couch. as much as you wanted jeno to sleep in bed with you tonight, you needed space to think about what he said and sort out your own thoughts. but you wanted the comfort of knowing he was at home. with you.

you and jeno work together to set up the couch, working in silent synchrony and harmony. the domesticity of it all makes you both emotional.

as you stand back up after tucking a sheet into the couch, jeno wraps you in his arms and says what he came here to say all along,

i love you, i'm sorry

[wheredidhiseyebrowsgo]

Hi! Sorry to bother you, but I'm wondering if you could help me? Do you know of any (Sterek) fics where Scott joins Derek's pack? I just really want to see Stiles and Scott interacting w Hale Pack 2.0! Thank you.

Hi anon! @kevaaronday made this list for us.

Turn back time by A _pretty_good_pair (23/23 | 49,715 | Teen | Sterek) There's no one left. No one. Stiles decides in his grief to try and fix everything he did wrong the first time around. Will he be able to save everyone or will he relive the pain of losing them all once again?

True by inatshej (1/1 | 38,760 | Explicit | Sterek) The point is, anything can be believed to be true now. If magic can convince Stiles that he loves Derek – weird, angry, too-many-issues Derek – then how is he supposed to know what is actually true, and what is him being mind-screwed?

And Derek can go fuck this mates concept.

Spaz and the Sourwolf by TheRealDanniX (9/9 | 24,674 | Teen | Sterek) When Stiles comes across something he shouldn't in the Preserve he ends up on four legs. Not that anyone in the Pack knows it's him. He's just hoping they can figure it out before anything else bad happens.

clenching my jagged jaws (over the capture) by Marishna (1/1 | 21,495 | Teen | Sterek) Derek Hale was never supposed to be alpha, but he's a good one. He doesn't need any help and he definitely doesn't need an emissary. 

Stiles Stilinski is Derek Hale's emissary and come hell or high water he's going to see the Hale pack through the impending arrival of the alpha pack, even if it means he can never return to Beacon Hills after.

The Vasov Heir by neil4god (12/12 | 20,665 | Not Rated | Sterek) It was summer vacation. He was supposed to go to bed late and sleep even later, he should not be in a car at the ass crack of dawn (12:30) on his way to who know's where. That was not part of the plan, but then he hadn't planned on introducing the pack to his sort of fiance either or introducing them to his family, but his darkest secrets are being dragged into the light and Stiles may not survive it.

When the Wind Blows (the Grass Must Bend) by V1p3r_Qu33n (9/9 | 17,845 | Teen | Scallison) “Why is it a problem that he doesn’t know I’m here?” Scott was just getting more confused with every sentence she spoke and everytime he asked a question the answer just resulted in even more confusion.

She looked past him to a sleek black car that had just pulled up outside the house across from hers. “I think you’re about to find out.” - - - aka: the packs a dysfunctional family. Scott doesn't have a clue what's going on (though he's starting to figure it out), Derek's just trying to keep his betas in line (though they don't always like his methods), and Isaac's just trying to survive.

Learning Curve by Inell (1/1 | 6,050 | Explicit | Poly Pack) When Scott stops by to check on Stiles after he misses school, he isn't expecting to be introduced to the world of polyamory or to agree to become part of the Hale pack in such an unique way.

Heart Smart by Simplistically_content (1/1 | 3,578 | Teen | Sterek) Scott wasn't book smart like Stiles, he wasn't werewolf smart like Derek (was meant to be), he wasn't genius smart like Lydia, his decision making hadn't really given him the best track record where those kind of smarts mattered. No. Where Scott believed he was smartest, was in his heart, in his good nature. Sometimes he screwed up, but no one's perfect, are they?

A place you call home by TalesoftheEnchantedForest (1/1 | 771 | Gen | Sterek) Derek takes a walk through the newly built Hale house and is suddenly overcome by memories, both older and more recent ones. Then he realizes what was missing all along - his pack. Now with Stiles and his friends by his side, he has a home again.

(This is all flashbacks and feels, my dudes.)

Ice(d) Cream by LizzieLance (1/1 | 500 | Gen) “This is indoor snow, baby. Dodgeballllllll.”

“ Throw it, throw it!”

“Stiles, no!”

“Stiles, yes!”

“Over here!”

Whap!

“Ohhh shit.”

Wait, what?? By hugs4saturn (1/1 | 424 | Gen | Sterek) Scott isn't the Alpha.

[wooahaes]

struggle

pairing: non-idol!s.coups x gn!reader

genre: dark yet also fluff...? mentions of married au.

word count: 0.8k~

warnings: depictions of violence (reader being pinned roughly against the wall by their neck), cheol being a dick. mentions of reader having a gun at one point. not proofread in the slightest. teehee its an actor au tho, reader just gets into character. writer also knows little about making movies.

daisy's notes: hes in his villain arc rn (also sorry for no taglist im exhausted, will rb w taglist tomorrow sometime)

All within a moment, your back was slammed into a wall and Seungcheol was staring you down.

"Pathetic..." He spit the word at you, cold eyes indifferent as he curled his fingers around your neck. "You really thought you'd get away with this, didn't you?"

You swallowed hard, hands tugging at his grasp. "I... I didn't--"

His hand grew tighter for a moment, pushing you harder against the wall. "I should kill you right now," he growled. "But I won't. We deserve an audience, don't we?" The cruel smile that tugged at his lips terrified you. Fuck, if only you hadn't lost your knife earlier--you wasted your last shot while he was pursuing you, and you'd dropped the gun when he grabbed you. "He'll be here soon."

You started shaking your head, tears brimming. "No. Nonono--Not Chan. Don't you fucking dare touch him--"

His hand grew tighter for just a moment. "Do you really think you're in the position to make orders?" He clicked his tongue. "You truly are stupid. Tell me," he grabbed your hands, pushing them above your head. "Why shouldn't I let him watch as I tear you limb from limb? You made this deal for him."

"I didn't!" You barked, tears running down your cheeks. "He doesn't have anything to do with this, you fucking monster--"

Another slam, and you let out a whimper of pain. Yet he was still cold, tilting his head curiously. "Humans are always so feisty," he clicked his tongue. "All of this just to save his soul... Maybe I should keep you alive. Let you watch as I devour him whole--"

With one swift kick to his abdomen, he lost his grip on you, recoiling from the pain. Immediately, you heard a "cut!" from offstage, and you immediately rushed over to the bent-over Seungcheol while the director said something about getting your doubles back in for this next fight scene. There'd be moments the two of you would need to simulate, but that could wait for when your husband can actually breathe again.

"Oh my god, I told you I didn't need to kick you for real!"

"No, no, it looks better--" He chuckled, straightening up. "Trust me--"

You smacked his arm, already pulling him off set, passing by your doubles. Yours gave you finger guns, calling out something about how that take looked pretty damn good from where they were sitting. To your dismay, the director agreed: the real kick did look better on camera in terms of Seungcheol's legitimate surprise. It fit the moment better, since his character was meant to be shocked at your character overcoming their fear to save their love. So the two of you retreated off set to rest for a minute and hydrate, and you caught the way he was pouting at you.

"I don't like the way Seokjin gets to have so many romance scenes with you." He sighed. He paused, eyes falling to your neck. Sure, the two of you had been walked through the scene plenty of times before on how to make it look real without him hurting you...

Before he could actually touch you to check you over, you swatted his hand away. "I'm fine, Cheol," you said. "Are you really jealous of him?"

"No!" He huffed. "I just hate how we don't get to play romantic roles. We should try to find a romantic role next."

The way he was frowning at you earned a snort from you, and you leaned against him. "Aw, my Cheollie's jealous."

He rolled his eyes, smiling as he settled in. "I'm not. I'm the one who gets to go home with you. I just... I like the idea of playing romantic leads with you. We could play something silly. I think we'd be good at it."

"Yeah, sure--"

"I do!" He pressed a kiss onto the top of your head. Even in his dark contacts and sullen makeup, he still looked handsome. You dreaded the scene where you killed him later: he'd never let you hear the end of it. He took your hand, playing with your fingers as he continued to muse aloud: "I think... It should end in a wedding. So I can marry you all over again--"

You swatted at his arm. "You sap."

He chuckled. "Just for you." He glanced back to where the two of you probably should start heading back in. Seokjin had already been on stand-by since he'd burst into the scene after your one-on-one fight with Seungcheol, and the two of you still had to film more for that for the close-ups...

Yet Seungcheol turned you to face him, kissing you hard and fast. "There." He chuckled. "It's out of my system."

(Although you were positive Seungcheol would steal another after the next scene you had with Seokjin...)

[mermmarie]

The Red String of Fate: Ch. 3

Pair: Donatello x Reader

Word Count: 3.9k

Rating: T?? (Characters depicted are adults)

Content/Trigger Warnings: Uuuh... I wish tumblr had a "mark as spoiler" option like discord, but depiction of physical assault.

Authors Notes: I'm sorry this took me so long to get out, but I hope you like it! ;w; The fourth chapter should be the final one (which I have not started yet, lol).

||Chapter 1|| ||Chapter 2|| ||Chapter 3|| ||Chapter 4||

—————————————————–

CHAPTER 3: GUIDING LIGHT

To say you were disappointed when the magical red string hadn’t reappeared on your ring finger when you awoke in the morning was putting it lightly… 

You had tried to convince yourself the night before that it wouldn’t have been a big deal if it hadn’t returned, but really, you were devastated. You canceled all the plans you had for the day and relinquished your responsibilities for the time being. Feeling numb to your mental and physical needs, it was easy to stay in bed for the majority of the day. You just couldn’t be bothered to do anything after taking such a substantial blow like that. 

Somehow, you had squandered a seemingly foolproof opportunity at finding your one true love. Although the myth did insinuate that you were ‘soulmates’; perhaps it meant you would get another chance in another lifetime but you couldn’t be certain. Even if that was the case, it didn’t make you feel any better about losing your shot in this timeline. 

It just wasn’t fair… There was no guide on how to approach this situation. No fairy godmother had presented herself and instructed you on what to do. You didn’t suddenly receive clairvoyant insight along with the mythical thread. How were you possibly supposed to know how to go about it? Yeah, now that you had time to reflect, the string did give you a small indicator of direction, but it had been the middle of the night and you lived in New York. Any sane person knew better to go out after dark, alone, in the crime ridden state. 

And it wasn’t like the string had GPS. You had no clue how far away your soulmate had been last night. They might’ve been somewhere you physically couldn’t have commuted to, hell, they could’ve been outside of New York for all you knew! It was rational to be cautious about going out and finding them right away… At least, that’s what you were telling yourself just to ease your mind. You did your best to fill your head with reasonable excuses to keep the demeaning thoughts out. 

It was difficult to not be hard on yourself, but there was nothing that could be done about it now… Nothing other than to let your sadness flow, which you had been successful with as your pillow was thoroughly wet with tears. Still, as much as you wanted to let the magical occurrence go, there was still the smallest spark of hope within you that it would show itself once more. If it were to give you one more chance to find your soulmate, you wouldn’t hesitate. It wouldn’t matter how far you’d have to travel or what obstacles you would have to overcome, you’d find them. —————————————————– It was a small relief not having to worry about hiding the red string of fate from his other two brothers when Donatello returned to the lair, but it didn’t outweigh the worry he had for it not reappearing. Normally, he’d run multiple tests when he was trying to validate the credibility of something, but he hadn’t wanted to alarm anyone by returning late to his home. He could trust his cool colored brother to not be overbearing about his predicament, but the other two warm colored brothers?…Raphael probably wouldn’t bother him too much about it, but Mikey would surely be insistent. 

He’d tell them soon enough, but after he had scouted you out on his own. Because even if you were his soulmate, there were many things to take into account, for both your sake and his families. The main factor being that you were more than likely human. It was easy for him to grow and maintain an interest in humans, especially when his father had appointed him and his brothers as protectors of the species. But most humans did not share the same interest for them. Sure, they eventually came across a handful of humans who liked and trusted them, but it was still a very small handful. After all–

They only had six fingers as opposed to the human ten. 

Having been accustomed to life at night, the daylit hours were generally spent sleeping, however Donatello knew the task would be pointless. There was no way he could shut off his mind and fall into the rem cycle of sleep when this kind of phenomenon had happened to him. He couldn’t stop thinking about when the red string had first appeared to him tonight. All the articles he had read about the urban legend. You…

Were you man or woman? Or did you prefer to not identify as such? What was your current occupation? He supposed you shared the same or similar interest considering that you were soulmates. He could also assume that you lived relatively close by the information he had learned and how the string tried to direct him to your location, but he wondered if you had always been a New Yorker? Perhaps you had been born and raised elsewhere and recently moved to the Big Apple. 

Were you thinking about him right now like he was thinking about you?... The idea stirred butterflies in his stomach and he felt silly. But also– happy. There was someone out there in the world for him. A seven-foot tall, genetically mutated box turtle who practiced ninjutsu and loved pizza. Being what he was, he never thought he’d have the chance at a relationship, and when his father had said he was destined, he figured it was only to serve the human race. Not to be loved.  —————————————————– You would think that with all the crying you had done you wouldn’t have any fluids left in your body to have to use the restroom, and yet your bladder had been nagging at you for the past thirty minutes to go. It was easy to ignore your appetite and thirst as you napped the day away, but you weren’t depressed enough to self-inflict a kidney infection. Begrudgingly, you got your ass out of bed and did your business. 

Not-so-surprisingly, getting up had motivated you to tend to other needs. After having stretched your back and limbs, you made way to your kitchen. Downing a full cup of water in a matter of seconds before finding something in your pantry to nibble on for a snack while you placed an order on a delivery app for food. Pizza had always been a great comfort to you every other time your problems came crashing down. Surely it would be able to lift your spirits in this scenario as well, at least a little bit.

You had instructed your delivery driver to leave your order at your front door, but when the application informed you that they were dropping off your food a message followed shortly after. 

[Can’t find your door. Can you meet me outside?] 8:58 PM

A low frustrated sigh hissed out of your nostrils. How hard was it to fucking read? You grumbled internally but walked off to the front of your residence. There you had realized you hadn’t flipped on the switch for the outside light after putting in your order and you winced at your passive-aggressive remark. At least you hadn’t said it out loud, so no real harm done. However, opening your door and finding the delivery driver standing right outside it made the corner of your lip twitch in annoyance. 

Couldn’t find the door, huh?

“Sorry about that.” They held out a pizza box for you to take. 

“No problem,” you lied and took the cardboard container into your hands only to feel a tug of resistance from the other end. Confused, you arched an eyebrow at the delivery driver, but their gaze didn’t meet yours. 

Their attention had been pulled below. “What’s that?” They pointed to your hand with a single digit.

You declined your head, following their direction until you found the source of their curiosity and your heart jumped in your chest. 

Red shimmered brightly in the reflection of your glossy eyes. You lifted your ring finger hand, bringing it closer to your body for inspection. You held your breath as you carefully wiggled the digit, testing the authenticity of the apparition as to not get your hopes up. Your chest seized anxiously when the crimson lace around your finger didn’t waver and seconds later you wheezed out a shaky breath. 

It had returned.

“Are you okay?” The delivery driver leaned into your view, snapping you out of your thoughts. 

Your other hand let go of the pizza box, and it slipped out of their hands, falling to the ground with a loud thud. They flinched in surprise and startled again when you slammed your front door shut behind you.

“Uh–” Was all they were able to get out before you thanked them for their service and pushed past them. 

Within a few steps, your bare feet met the cold hard cement of New York’s’ sidewalks but you barely noticed it. Your pounding heart overpowered all sensations at the moment. There had been a very small voice in your head telling you to turn back. Not to give up, but to be rational about the situation. You were going out into New York, barefooted, in your lounging clothes, you hadn’t locked your door, you didn’t have your phone, and it was nine o’clock at night!! But there was no way you were turning back now. 

It didn’t matter if your feet hurt, if you weren’t properly dressed for the occasion, if someone broke into your home and stole your stuff, or if there was little light to guide you in search. You were not going to miss your chance at meeting your soulmate again.

You felt your heart skip a beat when the tail end of your string changed in directions and your breath caught in your throat. Turning sharply on your feet, you began to pick up pace. The sounds of your steps growing louder and louder as your stride changed from walking briskly to full on running. You weaved between the few bystanders still out at this time at night. Each and every one of them breaking their necks to stare you down as you passed them by. You probably looked like a crazy person, running bare foot through the streets with your arm extended out in front of you, but so what? 

Crazier things had gone on in New York. 

It wasn’t long before your lungs began to burn and exhaustion forcibly slowed your pace, but you kept moving. As long as the crimson string existed and led the way, you had no plans of stopping. However, when the thread began to change in hue your stride slowed naturally due to intrigue. The color faded to an orangish-yellow and eventually shined a bright gold. The spectacle brought you to a full-on stop, to which you realized was very much needed by the hard breaths you were swallowing. 

Suddenly, your red string of fate was now golden. Not only that, but the string itself was shining brighter than it ever had before and the tether of the tail seemed to be getting… thinner. As if you were coming to the end of the stra– Taking a deep breath you lifted your head and looked around you. At some point of your search, you had ended up moving from the public streets of New York to a backstreet alleyway. From what you could see, there was no one around, but your string of fate was still pointing off in the distance. Sucking in another breath through your nose, you continued onward. —————————————————– While he was confined underneath New York during the daylit hours, Donatello spent his time putting a trajectory of possible coordinates of your location using the knowledge he already had. Frankly, it wasn’t much to go off of but with his intellect he was able to narrow down his search to three possible locations you resided at. As long as the string returned to his finger when he resurfaced, he would be able to pinpoint your exact location. 

Fortunately for him, the crimson thread returned before he even breached the ground level of New York. A small smile of content crossed his face seeing its reappearance. You were close, and that filled his chest with tingles of excitement. 

Following the tail end of the lace, he recorded his steps into the multitool on his right arm along the way. In the event that he was unable to meet with you personally; say, you were in the company of others, he wanted to make sure he knew the way back to you for when the time was right. A twinge of concern scratched his mind at the thought of you not being alone. He had risked his chance of not finding you by waiting all day before going out on his search. The possibility of not having a moment to himself with you annoyed him.

However, that worry deepened when he considered the opposing angle. What if you were out at this time by yourself? Even with his prowess and size, he generally did not go out on patrol alone. As much as he loved New York, the city just wasn’t safe after dark. Although, he assumed you had managed to be safe up until this point, that fact didn’t stop him from subconsciously picking up his pace. 

He did as he would any other outing on the surface and traveled by rooftop. It was the safest and stealthiest option for someone like him, even in the later hours of the night. Jumping down from one building to a shorter one, the top of his mask pushed upwards behind his glasses as he noticed a change to the string. The stark red of the magical lace had begun to dull into an orangish-yellow hue. 

Immediately, he stopped in his tracks to record the findings into his multitool and consider what had caused the change. There had been no mention of the string changing colors in all the information he had gathered on the phenomenon, and the two times it had shown itself to him before, it was red. Naturally, he wondered if the shift in color was a good or bad thing. From a scientific standpoint, yellow was often a representation of happiness, hope and spontaneity. Which was certainly the case at this point. 

Having to use the fire escape of the building he was currently on to cross to another, the string flared in vibrance as he descended the stairs. The sudden change in brightness caught him by surprise and he recoiled from the light, shielding his eyes with his other hand. Narrowing his eyes to help them adjust to new source of light, an epiphany came to him. He turned his body to look back at the building he was just on and then to the ground below him in silent thought before moving. 

He traveled downwards until he met the bottom of the stairs and then jumped off of them from there. The bottom of his boots making a loud thud when they planted firmly against the concrete ground of the alleyway. Slowly, he rose to standing straight, and his gaze immediately went to the string on his ring finger. 

Still, yellow. No… Gold actually.

It didn’t make any sense. The night before he had been on the surface it was red, and down in the sewers it was red as well. The sudden change in altitude shouldn’t have had any effect on its hue in theory. 

Turning over his hand for further inspection he noticed the thread seemed to be… thinning? Concern prodded at his mind at the idea of the string vanishing again, but the feeling quickly turned into confused curiosity when he realized only the tail end of the string was slimming out. The band around the base of his finger looked as if it was becoming denser and he swore he could feel a subtle hint of weight where it resided. 

Without thought, he raised his other hand and pinched his thumb and pointer together to touch the apparition, but his test was cut short by the sound of hard breaths and padded footsteps approaching. His eyes grew at the sounds, his glasses amplifying the surprised expression. It was then that he realized that all the current changes in the string wasn’t due to change in elevation. It was because he was getting close… To you. 

How could he be so stupid? Of course, that was it! But by the volume of your approach, there wasn’t time to reprimand himself on his ignorance. You were coming, and fast! 

The excitement he had initially felt going out tonight to find you turned into all out panic realizing that it was actually going to come to fruition within a few seconds. What was going to happen when you came down a dark alleyway and suddenly found a giant mutant beast standing within the middle of it? Surely, the only response you would have would be one of fear. Even if you two were soulmates, it would be a reasonable reaction. Hell, he’d be a little thrown off if you didn’t react that way upon first seeing him, but he didn’t want you to flee entirely. 

Your introduction needed to be taken slow. Carefully and with caution. So, he did what him and his family did best. Hid. 

Not having time to climb back up a building, and not wanting to make any noise with the ascension, he opted for a familiar practice and went underground. Fortunately, a manhole cover was nearby for him to escape into, however in hindsight, he realized it wasn’t the best option. The enclosed space quickly became a beacon of light due to the luminance of the now golden string but luckily, real word physics applied to magical construct and he was able to smother the light with the use of his other hand. 

He silenced his breath but his heart sounded off loudly in his ears as it pounded against his plated chest. The seconds waiting for you to arrive felt like hours, and when he finally heard you come into the alleyway his whole body went rigid. Afraid that the slightest moment would give away his location and you would find him. Which was ironic considering that, that was exactly what he wanted to do tonight except in reverse… This would’ve been much easier to deal with if he had been able to come to you, instead of you to him, but within the flood of panic he felt there was a drop of fondness.

You came out all this way in search of him.

Before he could enjoy the feeling, you were on top of him. Out of instinct, he drew in a silent breath and clamped his lips shut. He didn’t dare to peer through the small holes that had been drilled into the cast-ironed lid, and he desperately hoped you had no inkling to look down either. While it was endearing that you were looking for him, he figured you wouldn’t think it was so cute to find him holed up in a passageway to the city’s sewer systems. 

He tensed hearing your feet shuffle on the covering of the hole and he came to the conclusion that the damn string had led you to his exact location, but you were unable to make sense of it due to his lack of appearance. His suspicions were confirmed when you let out an exhausted huff of air, and he prayed that you would step away from the manhole quickly. He wasn’t religious; his existence kind of went against most laws of religion, but he needed some supernatural force to step in and persuade you to move on. 

Seconds of silence went by as he waited for you to do… anything. But it still caught him off guard when you spoke into the empty alleyway. 

“I’m sorry.” You breathed.

Donatello blinked in confusion not expecting at all to receive an apology. You had done nothing wrong, but as if you were reading his thoughts, you were quick to explain.

“I probably look crazy right now and… you’re probably scared. I get it. I’m kind of scared too, but–” He heard the tone of your voice waver as you spoke. “I’m more afraid of losing the chance to meet you more than anything. So, please. If you could… Just tell me that you’re here?” 

The grip on his ring-finger hand tightened as he considered your plea. You sounded so…lovely, and sweet. 

He hadn’t even seen your face, and yet he was falling head over heels at the sound of your voice. For a second he considered that you might actually be otherworldly the way your words had captivated him. As if you were a siren or something of the sort. Whatever mysticism you possessed nearly compelled him to speak, but his own body prevented him from doing so. A massive lump had formed within his throat, choking back any words from coming out as he parted his lips. 

And then he felt something. Something wet. 

He now realized it was his heart that had inched its way up his throat, because it plummeted into his gut when he heard the soft sound of cries emit from your being. Sniffles and hiccups followed the quiet sobs and his mouth gaped at the realization but he was still unable to speak. He hadn’t even known you for longer than ten minutes and he already made you cry. He was supposed to be your soulmate! Shame weighed on him, pulling his head and features downwards to his feet, but he quickly perked to attention when he heard you move off the iron lid. 

The universe had heard his prayer but now he prayed for you to stay. He had to make up for his cowardice! Just as he opened his mouth once more to try and speak again, a different voice came out. One that wasn’t yours…

“You know it’s dangerous to be out at a time like this?” 

Donatello’s chest tightened at the low spoken words knowing the exact implication this unknown voice was getting at with their tone. By the sound of your own, you were aware of it too.

“Yeah, I was just… Taking out some trash. Gonna be heading back inside now.” You lied, but the stranger didn’t even care to call you out on it.

“That’s a bright little thing on your finger. I’ve never seen gold glisten like that.”

Donatello’s blood ran cold at the observation. His gaze dropped to his hands and he uncovered his ring fingered one to take a peek at the magical apparition, only to instantly regret his hesitancy. 

“Stay back!!” You screamed, and he flinched. 

Throwing all caution to the wind, he grabbed the metal ladder to ascend the unground tunnel but he didn’t move quick enough. Something made of glass shattered and echoed in the alleyway, followed by a loud thud of something– someone– collapsing to the ground. 

Despite the bright gold color that lit the space around him; all he was able to see was red. —————————————————–

Tag: @eveandtheturtles If anyone else would like to be tagged on upcoming chapters, please let me know! I'm happy to oblige! 💖

[mugenloopdalove]

Hey man I'm sorry people are so insensitive about anxiety and stuff, if it makes you feel any better I'm just mow getting my license out of pure necessity and I'm terrified to get behind the wheel (this is not meant to push you to get yours of course, but i find that reassurance that youre not useless or "falling behind" because you dont have x thing or y thing at some age or another hrlps me feel better) and in my opinipn youre just as worthy a human being as anyone else, driving or not

(but Fr this is why we need to push the country to public transit it would make life so much more accessible for people like you and me who can't/hate driving 😔)

Tbh I don't see my not being able to drive as something all that bad. I get that it's bc of severe anxiety and it's something that. Maybe I'd be able to overcome w lessons but like

The other shit I do feel like trash for not being able to do but driving? It's not for everyone and I know that. My mom didn't drive til she was like. 40+

[shopcat]

one thing that's always been so confusing to me for years now is the way people like overexaggerate how deku was treated in middle school and their whole middle school experience in general it's so ... 😭 like in order for them to push their own perception of bakugou (unapologetic villainous sadistic cruel bully who shows no sign of remorse and will never own up for or change his behaviour AKA people incapable of deducing what a character arc looks like and a pretty simple one at that) and sort of like i guess be like SEE... deku is a VICTIMMMM!!! and must be Saved and Nurtured or something. i would say it's woobifying him if he weren't the like protagonist lol.

like this isn't even about he and bakugou's relationship as is bc that's a whole other thing i just mean like. the other kids at their school poked fun at bakugou and didn't take him that seriously EITHER, no one was trembling in fear or letting him do whatever ... he wasn't Top Dog just because he was generally "popular" and to be honest from my perception i don't even think he was popular considering the way people reacted to him i think they all knew he was well. bakugou. they all also called him by his first name and willingly yelled at him and junk which is indicative of a more casual relationship lol not whatever it is ... fanon says. the two friends that were there even made a point to be like "well that was harsh weren't you childhood friends" when he told deku to jump off a roof.

i dunno it's just funny at this point when people act like it was this horrific particularly cruel school full of people who would beat deku every day and make him eat dirt when the whole point is it was kind of an incredibly average school where they all have known each other their whole lives and the casual cruelty of kids words and actions still having an affect on someone and their general self esteem and perception. "kids make fun of me [for being quirkless & wanting to be a hero]" like you don't need to exagerate or just plain make up harsher bullying scenarios just to get people to take deku as a protagonist seriously or something let alone if you're just doing it because you hate bakugou which is just like what the hell ever man. the notion that in order for him to overcome something bakugou needs to have ruined his life from when they were babies (categorically untrue and you don't understand anything going on w their friendship and the way it affects the narrative at ALL!) AND his mom neglects him or something (insane and you're all actually evil) and all might told him to kill himself as well (would have been funny as fuck to be honest but obviously not what happened) is so dumb and offensive to the actual story being told. and i mean above all else at the end of the day this is a shounen and they're a bunch of kids who are meant to be kids And kids act ... childishly. crazy. everyone needs to stop taking it so seriouslyyyyyy can we just be silly please...

[incandesang]

some thoughts on iwtv episode five. blanket warnings for discussions of trauma, domestic violence, and sexual assault.

maybe it’s just me but i really do not understand the people saying that enjoying horror means you have to enjoy drawn out scenes of domestic violence? i think that take is incredibly stupid, and it undermines a lot of the more nuanced feelings people can have towards the genre as a whole.

horror is a genre that often allows for people to see the worst of human nature, and by extension the worst of themselves. you see all your dark potential laid out in front of you, and the consequences of that darkness, whether they be good, evil, or something in between. i’m not going to pretend that domestic violence doesn’t pop up A LOT in horror media. we have all seen the it movies, and read enough stephen king (honestly this is a weird thing to look into w this guy but i’m not getting into it here i’m just using it as a har har moment to lighten up the post) to know that it is very deeply engrained in the genre; whether it should or shouldn’t be is another discussion entirely, and one i’m not going to attempt in this post. the thing with the characters portrayed as abusers is that, at the end of the day, they are still bad people and audiences aren’t meant to identify with them. beverly marsh’s husband is terrible and we are meant to hate him, carrie’s mother is awful and we are meant to hate her. the only two examples i can think of off the top of my head being from stephen king’s works, again, says a lot about stephen king and his sort of consuming role within the horror genre, but i’m just gonna save that one for another day.

this probably isn’t the best example, but one of my favourite fictional characters of all time is john constantine, who is the protagonist of the contemporary horror comic series ‘hellblazer’. john constantine is, on the surface, not a good guy, and his comic isn’t about him getting better. he doesn’t. he is just as much of an asshole in the 2018 run as he was in the original 80s run (which ran for 300 issues and went well into the 2010s) but despite how much john sucks, audiences are never turned off from him. we see all the awful things he did, with a particularly harrowing issue being dedicated to the horrors he committed as a child to try to force his father to love him, and the consequences that had on his family as an adult. despite john being a professional occultist and exorcist, he’s still a man who is trying to do right by himself, but doesn’t know how to push past his deep self-hatred, or overcome the very literal ghosts of his past that haunt him throughout the series. he’s the reluctant antihero and our point of view character. we see john as a man fighting his demons (which are given physical form throughout the series) and trying to reach for redemption that he doesn’t believe he deserves. john constantine sucks. as a person, he sucks. despite this we still identify with john and want him to succeed, despite all the terrible things he has done to the people he loves and cares about.

in the 2018 run of hellblazer, john’s arc has him giving victims of unjust, oppressive systems, and domestic abuse the tools they need to get revenge against the people and systems that have hurt them, all the while neglecting his son, or actively traumatising him. themes of domestic violence and abuse follow john throughout the series. he is the traumatised son of a traumatised father, who then passes his trauma onto his own son.

he’s a morally grey, very complex character written extremely well.

the vampire chronicles are very heavy in those themes as well. generational trauma plays a huge part in the series, and a lot of the characters come from toxic family environments, or toxic environments in general. to the best of her ability, anne made sure the characters carried the beliefs and views of their times in regards to religion, sexuality, and etiquette, which made for a very fun cast! to see people who lived through the rise and fall of the roman empire talking to a guy who was born in the 1950s is really incredibly fun and this difference in time-based cultural influence opened up a lot of paths for interactions and relationships between the characters, whether they were explored in canon or not. these characters are so extreme and do terrible, terrible things to each other, all the while trying to be better in their own eyes (i can’t just say ‘better’. marius exists and this man continues to get Worse). a lot of these guys suck! they are awful people! but we enjoy reading about them and hearing about their worldview because at the end of the day, they’re trying. their wants and desires are relatable, and so are the things that hold them back from that. armand may be a little freak gremlin but he’s OUR little freak gremlin goddamn it!

i’ve noticed that one of the things that draws people to the vampire chronicles is that every single character is very morally grey. you can either back and forth for hours about if they are good people or not, and that sort of discussion can be a lot of fun to engage in! my feelings towards lestat are very similar to my feelings towards characters like john constantine. they are people who, for better or worse, love in a way that is very all-consuming, and gets destructive very fast when that love is not reciprocated. there is nothing wrong with characters like that. they’re fascinating, and this idea that they love so much that they destroy is always really fascinating to see on page, or on screen, but this, being a destructive trait, needs to be handled with a certain degree of care and nuance, and that was certainly missing from ep five. there was nothing grey about that. regardless of if it ‘really happened’ or not, that scene was put there for shock value alone, and it wasn’t good shock value, it was a lazy ‘bran the broken’ way out of things. even if it didn’t happen, we were still made to watch a very violent scene of domestic abuse that ultimately could’ve been replaced with a nasty verbal argument, or even just the gradual resentment of lestat for his ignorance, his cruel parenting, and dismissal of louis and claudia’s problems that they face as black people in this time period. this didn’t need to happen. there are signs that it didn’t happen, or at least that it didn’t happen the way that it did, but it’s still there. if it didn’t happen it serves no purpose other than to serve as shock value traumaporn.

unlike in hellblazer, the domestic violence is handled with no nuance. there is nothing that can be done to ‘fix’ this, fans are not going to want to see louis and lestat together again after this, and they probably won’t want to see lestat at all. it was very jarring, both as a horror fan, and as a vc fan. your protagonist can be a shitty person. they can destroy their own lives, push their loved ones away, and hurt the people they care about. but there’s a line that shouldn’t be crossed, and it was crossed here. it was irresponsible, and it was unnecessary, and whatever route they take to try patch things up, it opens up room for more controversy. i really feel for the people with mental health issues who identify with lestat (myself included) and have spent years re-contextualising his behaviour, just for all your hard work to be undone like this.

it was evident from that episode that rolin jones wrote himself into the same hole that anne did in her 1994 film draft script, wherein making a more sympathetic lestat, claudia’s attempt at killing him felt unjustified. i don’t think he understood that it didn’t need to be justifiable to the audience, only to claudia; provided she had a reason to do it that she believed was concrete, it could’ve been done in a way that worked. rolin jones was not intelligent enough to write himself out of his hole, and didn’t understand the source material well enough, so he slapped this scene in as justification for claudia’s actions in the coming episodes.

the thing is: he had done more than enough to warrant that sort of reaction from a teenage girl. when i was fourteen i remember hating my father and having (admittedly terrifying) vivid dreams where he was dead, so his absence wouldn’t hurt me anymore, because it wasn’t a choice he made. i remember hating my stepmother and my stepsister because they were closer with my dad than i was. children are jealous. teenagers especially, are jealous. claudia takes after lestat, she ‘doesn’t like sharing’, and she doesn’t want to have to share her father with his shitty boyfriend, and to be honest!! i wouldn’t want to either!! anyone who has been in a situation like that would understand where she was coming from, and there would still be grounds to say that what she did was ‘right’, or we would at least be able to understand why she did what she did, and how she got to the point where she believed that was a necessary course of action. again, we don’t have to relate to her, just understand that she is a traumatised, terrified child who loves her adoptive father very much, and that she has the physical strength and instincts of a vampire.

i think i will make a seperate post about claudia in this episode, because what was done to her is awful, and follows a really concerning trend of sexual assault portrayals in hollywood and the idea that sa is needed for personal growth, especially in teenage characters.

but idk. that’s maybe all i wanted to say about this particular thing. maybe.

[captawesomesauce]

Thoughts at 2pm..

This is not a complaint... this is just my attempt to understand and get the thoughts out of my head and make some sense of something. 

W is an amazing woman, an amazing partner, an amazing friend. I’m lucky to have her in my life, so what I’m going to say isn’t a criticism... 

She’s really bad at organization at times. 

She gets overwhelmed, she gets frustrated, she shuts down. 

And it’s important to acknowledge that it has nothing to do with being messy, or lazy, or any of that shit that parents scream. Some people have real difficulties with this kind of thing. 

As far as I can tell, she just cannot look at stuff and space and figure out where to put stuff IN space. There’s often too much stuff, and even if there’s enough space, there is a barrier to her being able to function in a way that leads to accomplishing the job.

An example is packing of boxes. My brain tells me to keep like items together, to pack them in a way that protects them and to go slow and steady until it’s done. 

Watching her, it’s just a matter of throwing in as much stuff as she can, without regard to what, or how, just to get it done! The more time goes on, the more she has to just throw and go faster!

With unpacking, it’s pretty much the same. She did the kitchen, which meant the counter tops were all covered in stuff, the drawers were full, the cupboards too. The problem was... it was unusable throw and go. Nothing was stacked nicely, nothing was where it should go for convenience, things weren’t even taken out of bags or boxes. There was a great big bag of “snack food” just sitting on the cupboard. I asked her why? She said she didn’t know where to put it, so... it went there.

There were small plates mixed in with big plates, stuff just shoved in drawers without any rhyme or reason, and it... was bad. 

It was unfunctional as a kitchen.

And I’m not saying this to harp on her, I’m saying this because I am learning how to work with that.

I’m learning that when she told me she never ever unpacks, she just leaves things in bags and boxes when she travels/moves... I’m starting to understand why that is. 

If you ever saw my rooms, you’d know I have a minor issue with that as well. I get overwhelmed doing things because of my dysgraphia and other issues. 

What I do that overcomes that is that I have to make piles. I have to sort, and sort, and sort some more. Because if things are with like things, I can find them later! I need there to be some sort of pattern/grouping or I’m fucked. 

What also helps is to have a runner. I can sit in one place in make my piles, while someone else grabs stuff for me, or moves stuff, or packs/unpacks. Because when I start moving, and getting up/getting down/moving left and right, and stuff... i get so exhausted, I hurt, and I can’t function. I end up just throwing and going too. 

But with help, I don’t reach that mental breaking point.

And I’m finding with her, we work well as a team where she can turn off her mind and just sort of follow directions. 

Things really go well when I say, put that stuff in that drawer, take that stuff out of the bag, put it on the second shelf in the far right cupboard. Take all of the cleaning stuff and put it under the sink. She just does it, and it makes sense and it she doesn’t feel overwhelmed and neither do I.  Same with cleaning... you wipe down the counters, I’ll clean this stuff... boom... done. If I don’t give those directions, she walks into the room, sees everything... and hits that mental crash.  So i’m working harder to work with her... to give those directions, to help her not hit that crash, without me having to do everything which leads to me crashing... we’ll just do it together!

[septembersghost]

Jess should I watch Elvis?

yes, if for austin's kinetic performance alone! (i might be in love w him, though that's not entirely new, just elevated.) and also good music. i've been listening to so much of elvis' stuff and the vintage music/artists i love in general for the past week and it's nourishing to my soul.

biopics can be a tricky thing, and for me the importance lies in centering/revealing the subject's humanity amidst their unique qualities and flaws, and exploring the story in a way that feels empathetic and not exploitative (hence the screaming i did over a different movie, which doesn't even deserve to be labeled as a biopic, that shall not be named this summer), which this did. i was telling a friend, and my mom and i have discussed this many times over the years, but there's something heartbreaking and haunting to me about the fact that certain artists become so indelible in pop culture, so larger than life in that way, that the image of them takes over from the person, even from the artistry, and they become a caricature or a cardboard cutout of themselves. an icon, but no longer remembered as flesh and blood. there are a number of legends from those golden days of hollywood that this has happened to, most notably perhaps being marilyn and elvis. the tragedy of their respective stories comes into play there too, fixing them forever as that ending, those specific images. how do you overcome the iconography, so detached from agency and personhood, to re-center a human being? to not re-victimize them or overly distort what happened, and yet still tell it in a way that's a compelling narrative and can take some fictional license? it has to be measured so carefully. what got me with austin's performance is - you can go to vegas and find an impersonator on every corner if you want. he wasn't doing an impersonation, he was finding the vulnerability and electricity in the actual person, and that makes all the difference.

i will say though, i've been sitting here contemplating - what does baz luhrmann put into his films that very specifically alters my brain chemistry, but always in a slow drip, sneakily inescapable way? i'll be like, well, that sure was a movie, and think i moved on, but then days later be obsessively tantalized about aspects of it. this has happened three times in my life, and previously i might've thought it was more of a symptom of my teen years, but no, it still apparently rings true. i don't even entirely understand why he made some of the frenetic directing choices he made or certain moments of the framing or whatever tom hanks was doing, but the themes it touches on regarding the power and influence of music and the social upheaval of the time and what creates an indelible legacy, and that center of humanness i mentioned that's existent in the portrayal, can i stop thinking about it? no, i cannot. so be warned it might make you feel unhinged <3

edit, 2/3/23: over a month later and two subsequent viewings, including on the big screen (gorgeous showstopping spectacular) and i just have to remark that my thoughts on the editing and on tom hanks' performance have radically changed, but i think it's because you need to see it more than once to even begin to absorb it. now that i fully understand those aspects of the film and have seen it in all its grandeur and its empathy, i appreciate the framing, and the art direction/editing/costuming/everything is so breathtaking. it's so clearly a work of love and passion on everyone's part and the pinnacle of baz's particular vision as a filmmaker in many respects. it has elvis' spirit in all of its essence. i stand by everything i said about austin (and then some, he is phenomenal), it's like he was meant to embody this, but as a whole i underappreciated the movie as a whole during this first viewing, and now...it's impacted me deeply and i'm grateful for that, i love it very much.

[psychedddd-out]

𝐁𝐥𝐨𝐠 𝐏𝐨𝐬𝐭 #𝟖: 𝐌𝐲 𝐃𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐥𝐨𝐩𝐦𝐞𝐧𝐭 𝐟𝐫𝐨𝐦 𝐚 𝐏𝐬𝐲𝐜𝐡𝐨𝐥𝐨𝐠𝐢𝐜𝐚𝐥 𝐋𝐞𝐧𝐬 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐅𝐮𝐭𝐮𝐫𝐞 ♡

It has indeed been quite a tough journey, not just for my experience in my Psychology 101 course with Teacher Nette, but also as an individual that has developed quite a lot over the years of the course of my existence. For my last blog post, I am tasked to analyze my own development and I believe that one of the best ways I can do this is to adapt the cognitive development theory of Erik Erikson. Individual development in this lens takes place through psychosocial dilemmas that can either positively or negatively impact one’s development (Mcleod, 2023). Through this, there are segments in which I can integrate my own life experiences with the virtues and values that I have developed from each stage of development. 

A. Infancy (0-1 year old)

The first stage of infancy is where I face the issue of trust versus mistrust and if I surpass this challenge, I earn the virtue of hope. Based on the stories I heard from my own parents, when I was an infant, I was never left for one second and since I was the first grandchild of my grandparents, everyone was hands-on towards me and providing me with all of the basic needs that I needed. Through this, as I mentioned beforehand, I was able to have hope and be hopeful.

Being optimistic has always been one of the most important traits I possessed with my personality and hopefulness is something that helped foster that. Hope is defined by three main components: (1) becoming goal-oriented, (2) finding ways to achieve that goal, and (3) believing (Colla et. al, 2022). This was helpful especially for the time when I took the entrance exam for my old high school; it was a science high school so getting in was quite a competitive and tedious process. I worked on the goal of being part of that school so, I took on multiple ways on how I can achieve that goal such as applying for review centers and constantly studying along with people who shared the same goal as mine. Lastly, I would not have passed the exam and finished my high school education without having the power of believing in myself. Until now, I still trust, believe, and have hope for myself and for what I am going through - that I am meant for a lot of greater things and that whatever hardship I come across, I will be able to overcome it. 

B. Early Childhood (1-3 years old)

Next stage was early childhood. I have asked stories on how I was like when I was at this stage, and what I have heard completely shocked me. My parents said that during this stage, I was mostly insisting on doing things independently and trying to figure out things on my own such as wanting to drink from a glass or using a fork independently. This perfectly matched what the early childhood stage is all about - problem-solving and a lot of other processes in thinking (Cherry, 2018). When I used to do these silly things, instead of being put to shame, my mom told me that they often encouraged me to solve those little problems on my own. Therefore, I was able to develop a sense of personal control over my skills and independence - or in other words, will. 

I believe that one life experience I can relate this to was one of the crucial steps I took in my times as a high school student and most importantly now, as a college student - this was learning how to commute and navigate my way around Manila. At first, I was scared of riding LRTs or MRTs in a place that was foreign to me. However, I had a will to learn to do things all for being able to study in my dream university, the one where I am currently. Without will, I would not be able to learn commuting on my own. There were times where I was shy when asking for directions, but since I had this desire within me to learn, I was able to overcome that shyness and not just for asking directions, but for asking and talking to other people in public in general. 

C. Play Age (3-6 years old)

Play age was quite a different experience compared to the ones I tackled before this. In this stage, it is all about interacting with other children, through of course, playing. Being successful in overcoming this stage results in having a sense of purpose, if otherwise, guilt. According to what I remember, I used to always choose what I wanted to play with and most of the time, it was cooking toys or stuffed animals. From my parents’ perspective, this was wrong since I was a male and I was supposed to be playing with more ‘masculine’ toys. At a young age, I was already introduced to strict gender roles and my parents believed that I had to conform to them or else I would not develop well. However, according to a study by Arkoncel et. al (2015) from the University of the Philippines - DIliman, teaching children about the variety of roles from a young age does not impact their development whatsoever. 

On the bright side, I was able to overcome this through still expressing myself and having my own initiative through doing them when my parents are not around or if I am only playing with friends from school and neighbors. Regardless of complications, I believe I was still able to develop a sense of purpose.

Having a sense of purpose has been really helpful in plenty of my life experiences, most especially in times where I had to step up and initiate leadership within a group. I encountered this last semester from my `Self and Society 1` class. We had a group project wherein there were 12 of us in the group and had to create an advocacy page. I noticed that no one wanted to take the initiative of being a leader, so I immediately offered my help for the whole group to lead us into our goal. With enough trust for myself and my groupmates, we were able to accomplish a high grade rating for our project.

D. School Age (7-11 years old)

At ages 7 to 11, I was still a diligent student of elementary school. The most basic conflict in this stage is feeling confident in my own abilities through competence against feeling inferior when this fails. I have never felt a competitive environment from when I was still in grade school except of course, in actual competitions. There was one time when I was in 6th grade, about 10 or 11 years old, I participated in a poem recital competition in our school for the first time and I was competing against previous winners. Naturally, I had my doubts in my own skills, but through uplifting from myself, my family, and my friends, I was able to overcome this conflict. I did not worry about what I could not do, but focused on what I could do and what techniques I could use to captivate the audience. In the end, I was able to win first place in the competition. I realized then that all it takes is just a little competence and hope in my own skills!

Integrating this with my own life experiences, I can relate this very much to what I do as a trainee for the dance varsity I am a part of in our university. As I venture outside of the academic world, I chose to go into the dance world as it is the passion that my heart also burns for. Here, there are plenty of opportunities to showcase my talents, but for an uncertain price of having your own self-confidence destructed. This has happened to me so many times. Seeing my fellow dancers dance better than me has always led me to feeling slightly inferior to them, but of course, I knew how to bounce back and again, just focus on what I can do and do it best. Now, I have let my self-confidence grow and become more competent than ever as an individual and as a dancer. 

E. Adolescence (12-18 years old)

Adolescence is a stage that is full of excitement and surprises waiting just right around every corner. In Erik Erikson’s theory, this stage is where the conflict of identity against role confusion occurs and for me, this really was the conflict that I experienced the most during this time of my life. At age 13, I already started to figure out that I was different from everyone else; I knew that deep inside, I was gay. From ages 14-18, only close friends of mine both in high and college knew about this. Additionally, I think what also helped me to overcome this stage was having various types of people around me that helped me rethink and reassess my personal beliefs and values. One of the most notable results from this was becoming Christian to agnostic after a few years in high school. Overall, going past this stage helped me gain a sense of fidelity within myself. 

A recent personal experience of mine that I can relate to the former paragraph was when I came out or disclosed to my parents what my sexuality was. My father’s instant reaction was that it was okay, but he still insisted that he wanted me to have grandchildren or choose the “correct path”; he was not fully supportive. On the other hand, my mother never changed how she treated me. This was actually proven by one study from the University of the Philippines - Diliman, that mothers are less likely to have a negative change in their relationship with their homosexual son after he discloses it, and will even tend to develop a more protective attitude towards them (Alip et. al, 2014). Moving back into me, I never let what my father thought affect me, but instead used it to even amplify more and take pride in what I am. 

F. The Future

From the start of this journey or the start of the second semester, I was a completely different person. I even mentioned in my first ever blog post that after going through this course, I was going to know myself better and I was very much eager or hopeful to do that. Thus, I really was able to get to know myself better. I got to learn about so many theories that I could deem helpful into analyzing who and what I am as a person such as the developmental theories that helped me navigate through my stages of life, positive psychology theories that let me find ways how I can keep myself motivated, and even personality theories that let me explore myself in different aspects. Compared to before, I am now more confident in myself and even more eager to learn all about psychology. 

From Erik Erikson’s theory, I should now be entering the stage of intimacy versus isolation as I search for love. Indeed, this stage is extremely exciting, but I do not want to think of this stage as just looking for a romantic type of love; but love that is for myself, for friends, and for family. In this journey, I am sure that my future psychology courses would be helpful as well as I traverse the mountains of life.

References:

Mcleod, S. (2023). Erik Erikson’s Stages of Psychosocial Development. SimplyPsychology (URL). Retrieved from https://www.simplypsychology.org/erik-erikson.html 

Colla, R., Paige, W., Oades L., & Camacho, J. (2022). “A New Hope” for Positive Psychology: A Dynamic Systems Reconceptualization of Hope Theory. Frontiers in Psychology. Vol 13. Retrieved from https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2022.809053

Cherry, K. (2018). An Overview of Early Childhood Development. Explore Psychology (URL). Retrieved from https://www.explorepsychology.com/early-childhood-development/

Arkoncel, M. & Perez, M. (2015). Identification of common gender roles and gender stereotypes in preschool children aged four to five. University of the Philippines - Diliman. College of Home Economics. Retrieved from https://digitalarchives.upd.edu.ph/item/46401/971/Cl4D0DHaA63CK41imkfMIMJ9 

Alip, A. & Teves, M. (2014). Perspective of adolescent homosexual sons and their mothers on the changes on parent-child relations after disclosure. University of the Philippines - Diliman. College of Home Economics. Retrieved from https://digitalarchives.upd.edu.ph/item/20151/971/MA46I6483b8cELGd1cm1MeI3

Word Count: 1905

[kitkatt0430]

I posted 576 times in 2022

That's 161 more posts than 2021!

349 posts created (61%)

227 posts reblogged (39%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@purpleyin

@hartmonfest

@kitkatt0430

@polyshipweek

@creativepromptsforwriting

I tagged 513 of my posts in 2022

Only 11% of my posts had no tags

#fanfiction - 168 posts

#the flash - 161 posts

#kitkatt0430 answers - 94 posts

#fandom events - 83 posts

#cisco ramon - 63 posts

#writing prompts - 51 posts

#barry allen - 50 posts

#flufftober2022 - 34 posts

#hartley rathaway - 34 posts

#flufftober - 32 posts

Longest Tag: 139 characters

#so there was room in there to see him getting both worse and better as a person but all that remains of him are the echoes of his potential

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

Aromantic Versions of Romance Tropes

Seen a few of these lists floating around out there and thought I'd add my 2 cents. :D

Enemies to Lovers -> Enemies w/Benefits Instead of two enemies falling in love, we've got enemies who fall in lust. Just because they're on opposite sides of a conflict doesn't mean they can't find a little stress relief together and maybe find some common ground along the way. Alternatively...

Enemies to Lovers -> Enemies to Friends All the fun of a redemption arc centered around the relationship between two (or more) characters, with none of the romantic trappings.

Friends to Lovers -> Friends to QPPs These friends already do everything together and share a lot of intimate moments and maybe get mistaken for lovers, but they're not interested in romance with one another. Acknowledging that there's a level of commitment between them or a queerplatonic angle to their relationship that makes them reassess how they want to label their relationship? Turns out that's on the table after all. Of course there's also...

Friends to Lovers -> Friends w/Benefits They're friends who have sex because it's more fun and enjoyable with someone they trust. Adding sex to a relationship doesn't automatically have to change a friendship into something else - it's sex, after all, not alchemy.

Second Chances An estranged former couple reuniting only instead of the cliche of them reigniting their romance, they realize that the spark between them came from platonic feelings and a desire for non-romantic intimacy with each other. Trying to force romance to happen was what wrecked their friendship the first time around, but now they're older and more mature and realize that despite society's expectations... all they really want is a friend.

Pretend Relationship... That Stays Pretend Fake dating to avoid exes, appease nosy family members, or ward off would be suitors who won't take 'no' for an answer. But when the night's over, no romance has bloomed. And why would it? They already have the relationship with each other they both want - friendship.

Forced Proximity Coming in shades of 'trapped in an elevator', 'snowed in', and 'there's only one bed', the romance version of the trope has rising tensions break as romance blooms. But for an aro version, we have two people setting aside their differences to create a friendly bond. And if sex is thrown in, that doesn't change the fact that it's friendship discovered in their enforced confinement.

Destined Romance -> Destined Friends Maybe they're people who reincarnate as best friends in every life. Maybe their friendship is fated by prophecy. They know from the moment they first see each other that they're meant to be a part of each other's lives: an instant, platonic connection.

Forbidden Friendship Two people from opposite sides of a divide who, despite all odds, forge a friendship that overcomes the conflict between them. For them, their friendship is worth the struggle that comes with it.

Co-Parenting Friends who choose to come together to parent a child - maybe it's a choice to adopt a child together, maybe one of them finds they're suddenly a parent and needs help. Works with two or more characters recognizing that they all have something to contribute to help raise a child and recognizing the bonds between them helps them not only give the child (or children) the support they need to grow and flourish, but give each other the support they need too

60 notes - Posted April 6, 2022

#4

the speed with which Worf insists Julian may not hug him implies that Julian has definitely hugged Worf without warning at least once before

Worf knows the signs now; he is alert and wary

99 notes - Posted December 1, 2022

#3

Well, it's certainly creepy knowing Dracula has started in on Mina now and no one - not even Mina - has realized that yet.

It seems pretty clear that Renfield must have given Dracula the invite he needed to get inside the house. Which was, no doubt, why he was so emphatic that Jack and the others take him with them. He knew Dracula would be after Mina now, somehow, and he clearly likes Mina. She was kind to him and didn't talk down to him over his mental illness and, honestly, who doesn't like Mina? But he knew Dracula would use him to get to her and it wouldn't matter that he likes Mina. Renfield will do what the Master tells him to do.

And Mina's account of how she was made unable to move before being rendered unconscious makes it even clearer now what the last moments of the sailors on the Demeter must've been like. Not only were they bitten by a monster and then drowned, but they were made incapable of moving or even making any sound. They were likely not made unconscious the way Mina was either, so in their last moments those sailors were frozen in place, bitten by a monster in the mockery of an intimate embrace, and then flung into the ocean where they could not swim to save themselves. All while unable to shout or scream for help.

114 notes - Posted October 1, 2022

#2

As much as I like seeing Ten again... I do feel like if a previous Doctor had to take a spin at the wheel again before the Ncuti Gatwa became the Fourteenth Doctor (don't care that they bumped the number on him, he's Fourteen and Ten is still Ten) then it probably should have been the Fugitive Doctor.

Her return as the active Doctor makes sense narratively given everything that happened with the Flux and how connected she is to the Doctor's past and lost secrets. And giving her a proper run of episodes, even a short three parter, before handing the reigns to Gatwa probably wouldn't have felt quite so... disrespectful. (Right as a black man has been cast as the Doctor... surprise, we're bringing back a white guy? That was not a decision that was as well thought through as the show runners probably believe it was.)

And it would be fascinating to see her struggle with knowing she isn't actually new, but feeling like she is because she doesn't really remember being this version of herself before. The Doctor being very tempted to open the watch and retrieve the memories that belong to her would probably be a lot stronger as the Fugitive Doctor 2.0 and it'd be an interesting story to tell whether she opens the watch or not.

206 notes - Posted October 27, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

Assuming Miles Edgeworth writes Steel Samurai fanfiction, I'd like to think that Maya is his beta reader. They've been carefully ensuring Phoenix never finds out. Not because they think he'd be judgy or anything, but because they're enjoying making up bizarre excuses for why they're emailing each other so much and it's turned into a game of who can come up with the weirdest excuse that Phoenix just accepts without question.

326 notes - Posted August 31, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[thebendsbyradiohead]

I saw your tags in the friends post and I need you to know that meeting new people alone is not going to give you friends, you have to actively search for similar interests and do follow ups (messages/meet for something/hangout) without that's I hard to make friends, when you practice and learn what works more for you it should be easy!!

For me for example I dont really like texting, so I try to hangout at the very minimum 4 times a year with my older friends (just to keep in touch), for new friends once a month

i'm well aware that maintaining communication is how someone gets friends, the issue is that plenty of the people i meet at these events already have their friend groups & are not looking to expand them (especially if they're dutch, the dutch are chronically resistant to hanging out with someone other than their existing friends lol)

what additionally makes things difficult is hanging out costs money (not always, you can go to the park ig but with the weather being shitty here it's not always a given) & different ppl have different incomes. mine might be good to afford a 20 euro ticket to a museum but it's not everyone's. factor in the cost of travelling somewhere and back, especially if you don't live in the same city (and public transport here costs A LOT) & people are already unwilling to sacrifice so much to spend time with someone they met once

not to mention, it's a lottery tbh. i can find someone that has my interest sure, but then what if they don't have the same politics? i don't want to be friends with someone who's racist or transphobic. & vice versa, i may vibe with someone on opinions but then if we don't find anything to do in common it kinda stays there. also people are just straight up inconsiderate. when my friend of almost a decade was living in the NL i spent hours listening to her whine abt her ex bf & going to techno parties w her & keeping her company until 5 am but she couldn't bring herself to attend a singular poetry reading of mine, why should i expect someone else with no emotional attachment to me whatsoever to do it?

i know you probably meant this as encouraging and i appreciate it but i've been at this for a year and some change putting myself out there and overcoming all sorts of anxieties and not much has changed so i'm bitter lol

[tianazlater]

Apophthegms

A fossil of a word

Autocorrect didn’t recognize it. I struggled alone.

Haste makes waste

Tomorrow is another day

Anger makes people drop things as does any form of excess energy.

My personality N and J are incompatible w themselves. I will always be unhappy and never find a career I enjoy. There are less of us because we are going extinct.

I am meant to add structure to the future…I guess.

How miserable.

This is why I feel like a tuna most days.

Either stuck in a damn can…dead…or swimming up stream like a moron.

Wrong fish. I guess it’s Salmon. They put that shit in a can too, I think.

But not broccoli. Thank you Doug, for reminding me of myself being weird. But I randomly wondered why you can put green beans in a can and not broccoli. And I shared it on social media and then I was like, I really need to just not have social media before everyone gets annoyed w me.

Excel = Salmon in a can

What is a good N job that’s not Engineering or Invention?

I either need to overcome this disdain of Excel…or figure something else out.

I really just want to be a writer. I feel I’ve played around enough w this other crap. I want to retire from it largely, or not make it priority in my life at least…and focus on my creative side.

It just…again…is taking a risk and feels irresponsible. I hate that. I wonder how much of human creativity is missed out on because of it.

Is it going to help me survive?

No. Most likely not and if so…maybe just a little and maybe even post mortem.

Hmm…then don’t do it. There’s no respect and value with it.

It’s always on my mind but it’s all talk rn…

I have a passion I’m not listening to.

I’m looking for a TIME…for CREATIVITY…and I’m coming to the conclusion it doesn’t work that way.

There are worse times than others…but I don’t think it’s something…and I sort of know this…it’s not a Kronos thing.

That’s exactly why it’s so beautiful.

Creativity is an uncontrollable force of nature.

If time can be controlled by man…if time CONTROLS man…

And creativity CANT be…even if when given into it controls man via some force other than man…

It can’t be fit into something we control…like a schedule.

Kronos and Creativity don’t have affinity for one another.

There is opportunity cost between the two.

DOING and connecting to uncontrollable forces.

Or simply put…

Controllable forces…uncontrollable forces.

I am tired of man trying to control me. I want to give in to something else. I much choose the unseen controlling me than man doing so.

[zirielladior]

saying no is not being mean

sorry i js need this to be known

this is either for you, or about you.

dude is it js me or is it that at some point you feel like being mean is equivalent to saying no? like i just realized its not. it's js being mature and nobody should feel like saying no means being mean, it's just putting your foot down and being loyal to yourself.

ex: someone wants to copy off your hw but constantly tries to get into your business.

then:

them: hii did you do the hw from yesterday?

me: yess

them: can i copy

me: ..sure..

(also them): gets into online arguments with me over the pettiest shit ever but acts like they're peachy w me for hw answers?

dont get me wrong i copy off friends too, but i dont treat them like shit, and if they dont want to send it i get help and do it myself. respect boundries.

i also used to lie about it and say i forgot my hw bcz i didnt want to give it to them. then the other day i posted a tiktok ab me feeling a certain way towards a certain someone & then a person friends with the person i'm referring to above asked who. i politely told them that if they dont know its cz i didn't tell them. and if i didn't tell them, its because i wasn't comfortable telling them & that they're not meant to know. then they asked for a hint, i said no, because tbh i already said no i'm not going to say yes js cz you asked in a shorter way.

you don't need to say "yes" or do something for someone if they treat you badly. that is NOT being "the better person" that's letting people walk all over you. being the better person is being mature. which means if someone treats you badly, don't take it.

anyway love you guys, if you're struggling with this problem i've been there too it's not easy to overcome but it's okay.

bye lovelies !! 🎀

ella <33