#just me musing again

[jadewing-realms]

i don't know if there's a specific term for the thing when... you're so used to being told you're too much? too loud, too quiet, too stubborn, a pushover, too excited, too cold, too close, too distant... so you just kinda give up doing anything without explicitly being told to because you just can't figure out where the balance is?

especially physical affection. what's 'too much'? when is it okay to hold hands? how do you know when you're allowed to hug someone? gods forbid you give someone a forehead kiss at the wrong time and make them uncomfortable. you don't know how to intuit what anyone needs at any given time so... you figure you should just... not move. unless someone specifically asks you to.

whatever That is, it's how i imagine Naven is. stuck in perma-freeze response, unless he has a designated Role to Play. he's been molded into the model support system. he enjoys making others feel good. he likes seeing them smile. feel safe. he always asks how others are feeling; he always asks for their permission before doing anything that might affect them. he's thoughtful, quiet, agreeable. he never asks for things for himself, and he certainly never takes up space... it's been too long since he had permission to. he's always had to be the caretaker, the older sibling, the protector, the adult, mature, rational, self-sufficient, the perfect island content with simply being ground for others to walk on.

i think this is why Astarion catches his attention right away. the vampire seems so... fearless. not in the usual sense, the heroic sense, but in that he's not afraid to be loud. to say what he's thinking. to take up space and a lot of it. and he's funny and confident and charismatic even when he's being an asshole and Naven is a little in awe of it, muzzled and afraid to misstep as he is.

how does one go about being so unapologetically flawed? he wants to know.

then of course... he learns more. glimpses cracks in the mask. learns of the fears behind the facade, learns that what he'd been witnessing wasn't Astarion saying what he was thinking but saying what he believed others expected or wanted and oh, Naven understands. and now he swears he will do anything in his power to help Astarion feel as safe and respected and loved, truly loved, as he can. he's good at that. and... it works. Naven is used to feeling blind to what others want from him, he tries to account for what he can't see so nobody ever feels unheard or unseen. Astarion is used to having any and all his boundaries crossed, he's relearning how it feels to be treated as an individual. he's also not interested in a protector or guardian... he wants an equal. something neither is used to having but both crave like they crave air to breathe.

sitting by the fire at camp, Naven asks if it's okay to lean on Stari's shoulder, maybe even hold his hand. some other time, Astarion is upset and is surprised when Naven asks whether he needs comfort or advice or space. even more so when he asks for space and Naven accepts without question or second-thought and simply waits until Astarion is ready.

at night, a nightmare and anxiety attack leaves Naven a frayed mess and he dares to ask for a hug for himself for the first time in more than a century and gods is Astarion more than willing to give him one. later, Naven feels guilty for being frustrated about something and Astarion tells him to let himself be angry for once. that nobody will hate him for it.

Stari says he needs a little excitement, asks if Naven would like to visit the market street with him; Naven's had a burst of muse and needs to be alone to write. they're both fine with this and hope the other enjoys themselves for the day. Naven asks if he'd like a kiss for luck; Astarion accepts it and gets Bardic Inspiration to schmooze some vendors later, I dunno.

ask and receive. a cycle of love and respect. giving each other the freedom and space to just... be. exist, as they are, together. over time, they get to learn not only about each other, but about themselves, what they like, what they don't. and that it's okay to speak up about both.

[pigeonneaux]

I hear you call my name (and it feels like home)

[khickuwa]

a momentary respite.

[deoidesign]

Thinking about vampires, death, life, and the space they occupy in between

[ironunderstands]

Sunday’s worldview sucks, his outlook and perception of himself and others sucks… and that’s why he’s so interesting

In honor of his drip marketing releasing tonight (or maybe yesterday for you depending on when I get this out), I’d like to talk about why I think Sunday’s beliefs and perspective is very, very flawed and how his own biases rather than the actions of those who oppose him are what led to his downfall.

Sunday is entirely responsible for his own failure, and that’s exactly why he’s incredible.

This contains mentions of leaks and spoilers for the Penacony quest line… you have been warned

To start with, oh my lord do Sunday’s preconceived notions kick him in the ass. 

I think the best example of this is his conversation with Dr. Ratio in which Ratio pretends to betray Aventurine, selling out his plan to Sunday. Now, what’s incredibly interesting about this exchange is that Ratio doesn’t fully lie to Sunday once in this exchange, rather he says half truths and makes vague statements which Sunday himself interprets as being in support of him. 

Take what Ratio said the whole, “A scholar knows their position and wouldn’t forsake it for the sake of petty pride.” In retrospect, we know this line is actually referring to Aventurine- aka Ratio is saying he’s not just going to sell him out to Sunday for the sake of information about the Stellaron (which he would get anyways if the IPC attained Penacony, plus Mr. Incredibly Dedicated Knowledge Spreader probably has other means of gaining it then through The Family). 

However, since Ratio answered the invitation Sunday gave him, Sunday assumes that Ratio is on his side, believes his cause is righteous, and that he won Ratio over with offering him information about the Stellaron, therefore making that previous statement of Ratio’s null, because Sunday interpreted it as, “convince me this is worth my time + prove to me you’re correct,” when it really meant, “there is no way in hell I’m about to sacrifice my friend to you, and there is nothing you could offer me to make me do so you crazed lunatic.”

But why did Sunday not weigh the options? Why did he unquestioningly believe his perception of the situation was the correct one?

Well- partly it’s because Ratio and Aventurine were doing their damndest to make it seem like they hate each other and that their plan was going off the rails.

But the more important part is that even without Ratio saying a word or even accepting the invitation, Sunday already believes he’d be on his side. 

Let me demonstrate this through Sunday's perspective:

I am a righteous person, I am doing the correct things, my worldview is the correct one. Dr. Ratio is also a righteous person who seems to be doing the correct things. Therefore, since we are both on the side of good, and Aventurine is clearly not on that side considering his status as Stoneheart and his negative relationship to Ratio, then Ratio will naturally want to be on my side. After all, the good guys work together, do they not?- and together will vanquish this evil villain.

This perspective is a simple one, but Sunday’s unshaking belief (up until the end of 2.2) that he is 100% in correct and in the right, that any and everyone who he also perceives to be in the right (like Ratio) would believe/side with him without truly needing to be convinced. Sunday doesn’t come out the gate offering the Stellaron information- he only keeps it as a backup just in case. 

However, this is complicated because Sunday is also not an idiot, and he’s extremely paranoid, so he’s going to make sure that the way he views the world is 100% correct on the off chance he’s wrong which could foil his plans- which is why he invited Ratio in the first place. Nevertheless, this isn’t him hunting for new perspectives, but rather him desiring to prove himself right again, which is a bad thing because Sunday is very much not right. 

A perfect world is a perfect pris- *gets shot*

Reference that approximately 2 ½ people will get beside, Sunday’s ideology that he is fully confident in.. sucks. It sucks ass, it’s terrible, and let me explain.

I’m not going to try going over all the little intricacies to how the dreamscape works because I a) don’t know and b) don’t particularly care because they aren’t relevant to the argument I will be making- which is that Sunday’s ideology is inherently flawed and immediately falls apart under scrutiny.

Essentially, he desires to create the perfect fake reality, enveloping the whole galaxy in Ena’s dream and fulfilling their every desire and whim within it, with himself as the sacrifice to allow it to exist. The seven rest days, no illness, no pain, no challenge, you get the idea. 

And, this perfect world paradoxically sucks ass because of its perfectness.

Improving society is great, eliminating hardship is great, increasing quality of life is great.

But declawing reality itself- absolutely not.

I’m going to try to explain this through my favorite strangely specific anecdote- the process of obtaining diamonds in Minecraft.

Stay with me now.

You essentially have two options- go out and mine them yourselves the hard way, which takes hours, gives you less diamonds per the amount of time spent on it, and likely with you exhausting some of your resources like food, torches, and tools which you will need to replenish.

Or.

You can just.. get them from creative mode or commands, and you can get as many as your heart desires.

However, despite the fact that option one is harder, gives you less diamonds and takes significantly more time, I, as well as hopefully you, would pick it every time (at least in a survival world, although honestly idk why you would even need pure diamonds in creative).

And that’s because the first option is rewarding. 

You did not earn the diamonds you easily and magically summoned into your inventory, there is no struggle, no journey, no challenge to it, therefore it feels entirely unremarkable, as compared to the feeling you (hopefully) get from mining diamonds, which makes you happy because you earned it. Yeah, it was harder, but the process itself is fun- the anticipation of not knowing when you’re going to find them, if at all, the danger, the fighting and digging and mauvering you will have to do in the process.

And with this unconventional example, the fatal flaw with Sunday’s ideology is revealed- it’s boring. 

It’s boring as shit.

Yeah, for the first few months or even years it might be enjoyable- having everything you could ever want served on a silver platter. However, humans are a) inherently a bit greedy and b) desire challenge, and this scenario fulfilles neither of those things. Naturally having everything means your desire for more can never be fulfilled, leaving the wanter forever unsatisfied, whereas in the real world, things are truly out of your reach, meaning that even if you never end up getting them, they are still a tangible thing just out of reach… as strange at it sounds, we like being tantalilus-ed more than you think. After all, if what you want is so easy to get, you will never run out of things to want, and eventually that gets draining. 

Continually, if everything is easy, if everything is just right there whenever you want it- existence itself no longer has stakes. 

And that’s the problem, because much like how a story with no stakes is extremely hard to find compelling, a life with no stakes feels boring at best and downright pointless and meaningless at worst.

I’m just saying, there is a reason why the Nihility was such a strong presence and problem in Penacony.

Anyways, like with the diamond problem, a lack of stakes means that nothing you do feels rewarding, because you didn’t truly earn it. 

Which is where the Sunday’s idea of a “perfect” reality falls apart, because the most enjoyable reality for humans to live in is not one literally devoid of any possible flaw.

So why does he believe in it? When it’s so clearly flawed?

Well, it’s because Sunday doesn’t think a better alternative exists.

The world made you this way.. and you chose to continue what it started.

I’m sure I don’t need to repeat the story of the Charmony Dove all over again because trust me, we’ve all heard it before. Nonetheless, it reveals something important both about Sunday’s personality and his ideology- he’s fundamentally a defeatist.

He doesn’t believe that there is any alternative for the dove, that it could ever be able to fly again with its deformed nature, so instead of being “cruel” and letting it “inevitably fall to its death,” he’d rather keep it in a cage all its life where it has no freedom, but at least it would he alive and “happy”.

And this is where his defeatism reveals itself- Sunday doesn’t believe reality itself can get better because improving it when there are so many factors and things out of your control is hard at best and impossible at worst. Therefore, he resorts to creating an escapist, false version of it- a perfect golden cage, because constructing that is far, far easier than trying to help the dove fly again. 

The universe has endless possibilities, if Robin and Sunday had tried hard enough, they probably could have found a solution. Sure, they were both children, so the capabilities necessary to even attempt that were likely far out of their reach. However, it was still possible, but Sunday doesn’t believe in possibilities- he believes he’s right above all else, which is where that stubbornness and arrogance comes into play again.

Sunday doesn’t think better solutions than his exists, and he believes everyone would could possibly stand in his noble way are either villains, or horribly misguided; so it’s his job to show them the light.

This is why he lets the Express Crew + Firefly try to change his mind- Sunday wasn’t actually interesting in shifting his perspective, or really what they wanted to say. Rather, he just wanted to let them say there peace, because well, Sunday’s a good, righteous person (at least from his perspective), and good, righteous people listen to others. Good, righteous people will let these poor, ignorant souls offer their foolish words before exposing them to the harsh truth- or at least that’s how Sunday sees it. 

Moreover, this also explains his arrogance. If he believes his worldview is the sole correct one, then why listen to anyone else? He’s this world's savior, or at least he’s been raised to believe that- so why not relish in it? He enjoys punishing Aventurine, enjoys the bastard who stood in the way of Sunday’s plans, shrinks away in “defeat” and get what he “deserves.” Despite how miserable it sounds, Sunday also takes pride in having to be a martyr to bring about his beautiful dream. The belief that he is a selfless, good person is a selfish desire of his, even if a genuine one, and it’s what leads to his downfall.

Sunday could have actually listened. He could have reevaluated his loss to Aventurine and realized it was not through the others clever deception, but through his own biases. He could have actually taken the Express’s and Firefly’s advice. He could have looked for other avenues to help the people he truly does care about. 

Despite Gopher Wood’s manipulation- Sunday’s decision to go forward with the pain is entirely his own, because he truly believes- even with all the evidence for the contrary- that he is correct.

And that’s why he fails. Not because of the Express. Not because of Ratio. Not because of Aventurine. Not because of Gopher, or even the rest of The Family.

No, Sunday fails because he is flawed, and he is wrong, and he is the arrogant, selfish and biased one, and his worldview is wrong.

So what now?

This might have seemed like I think Sunday is pure evil and irredeemable, but I think it’s quite the opposite.

He has very good intentions, and he does genuinely care about it the well being of other people around him. He gives Aventurine a chance to prove his innocence, even if he never intended on changing, he does listen to what the Express + Firefly have to say. He pauses when Robin shows up, as she’s the one person (until the very end) he’s actually willing to accept the perspective of. The whole reason he ended up here in the first place is because Gopher Wood twisted Sunday’s good intentions into a fatal arrogance and utmost belief in a flawed worldview. 

However, what really sells me on Sunday’s goodness is when eyes widen at that final moment, the light draining from him as he realizes he is wrong. 

And once Sunday realizes he is wrong, those flaws that bind him can finally be examined and improved upon, as they all stem from that worldview he no longer believes in. 

His whole life, Sunday has been enacting out someone else’s plan for him, even if he’s come to internalize it over time, at the end of the day- it was never his, and without it, he’s empty.

Which is exactly why the only place he can go now is the Express, and the only thing left for him is redemption and growth.

Dan Heng is right- Sunday has a noble soul, and now that he has stopped believing in himself, he’s no longer shackled by the past either. Improvement or utter demise (in a likely nihility-flavored manner) are his only options remaining.

I understand a lot of people want to see him become a Stellaron Hunter, but imo, that just does nothing for him. He’d still be following someone else’s path/script, and Mr. I Will Sacrifice My Whole Existence To Become The Sun To Illuminate These Wandering Souls probably wouldn’t be so on board with the whole.. terrorism part of being a SH. Like yeah, they are our friends (kinda), but they absolutely kill innocent people and cause millions of dollars in property damage to people who don’t deserve it. 

Also, being on the Express Just Makes Sense. This is a game about choices, a game about accepting the mistakes of your past, but not letting them define you in order to move on and forge a better future for yourself and others- with the Astral Express + Trailblaze as a concept being the literal embodiment of it. There’s a reason when you switch to the Trailblazer’s POV in stories, it includes Kafka’s most important words to us- “When you have the chance to make a choice, make one you won’t regret.”

Therefore, I hope the choices Sunday will make in 2.7 are ones he’s proud of, and I can’t wait to see how exactly they get him on board with the crew, because there still is a LOT of development he needs to do before then. 

Anyways, thank you so much for reading, and if you have any thoughts I’d love to hear them. This was a stream of consciousness mess, but I hope it was still valuable nonetheless! Also if you are reading this on the day it was written, I hope we don’t get disappointed by his drip marketing!

[helixcraft]

the fish that keeps appearing all over my recommended only that he's out of jail and happy

[moonchild-in-blue]

If you choose to look at Sleep as an allegory for depression/mental illness, the romantic and co-dependent nature of Vessel's lyrics hurt that much more.

"I hate you and you're bad for me" "I don't know who I am without you" "Please set me free" "Please don't leave me" "You're an intrinsic part of me" "I must become someone new".

Ya feel me?

[inafieldofdaisies]

[acommonanomaly]

I realized I haven't drawn Essek yet and that is just unforgivable here have some floaty hot boi

[cornerstoreclown]

Ugh, now I can’t help but imagine where in that ask about Art and reader being childhood friends, child Art drawing, painting or crafting you this weird super weird thing (not out of materials that would like, decompose or smell rotten after a few years, surprisingly) and then after reuniting with him in adult hood, he’s over at your house exploring while you’re cooking and sees that thing he made for you years ago in your room on display. Idk, I think he’d be so happy to still see you have it

Love this. (:

I think he might have definitely made some really weird shit. I have no doubts your first gifts were something more… temporary. Liable to rot. Perhaps something with bugs and rats. But you INSISTED to him that you wanted something that could last a little longer. Something that wasn’t prone to the throes that came with being part of the life and death cycle. And he copped an attitude about it at first until he relented. Because you basically went the flattery route with him. You WANTED something from him that had longevity because you value him as a person (god rest your soul) and so he yielded for that reason and ONLY that reason alone.

After all. You catch more flies with honey than vinegar.

In truth it was probably some sort of makeshift weapon he gave you. Which was concerning! Actually quite concerning! And he drew fucked up pictures of hurting people that he gave you, too! It was often of him brutalizing and killing people, and you were also in some of those pictures, but you were never maimed in them. You were just smiling right beside him in those crude childlike drawings, looking like two pals.

Suffice to say when you left Miles County as you got older he wasn’t a happy camper because you both were supposed to be together forever. Like buddies. Then you came back … I dunno, a few years? A decade? Maybe two or so, however old you are, he wasn’t THRILLED that you left him. And he might have even considered literally stabbing you in the back for that shit because that was foul, how DARE you leave him—but then when he’s back at your place and has seen that you kept that makeshift weapon visibly out and displayed like a threat to any guests, or maybe like out on display like it’s a sculpture, he … starts to forgive you. You’re not off the hook yet. He’s still a wee bit salty you left, still hurting that you left in the first place. But a part of him is touched.

And you can see that when you catch him with the book you stored his drawings in, pristine and neatly kept in a drawer holding a variety of things from your childhood. You see him thumbing through it with his bloodied hands after a fresh kill that night. Staining that book and all the pages within it. His eyes far too focused on the contents before him as he relives various memories of you two together all snugly protected between the pages.

All the while you’re just out here cooking dinner for the two of you. Hoping maybe he’ll eat it. And he might. He might not. But if he doesn’t, you know he won’t turn down your dessert you got waiting in the fridge.

That’ll surely continue to help you make up for the time you’ve been away from him.

[ssluggart]

my contributions to the sonic magma tonight with @guiltypandas and @alvalorenzz :]

[shima-draws]

Soooo twirls my hair out of pure curiosity and not for any other reason tee hee. What fandom would y’all like to see me do more art of 👉👈

[wavesoutbeingtossed]

You cinephile in black and white, all those plot twists and dynamite / Said “forever,” then he blew it up

[hana-bobo-finch]

realizing i haven’t really been posting art much uh oh errrmrmmm quick here’s a leif and muse that I drew a couple days ago and then forgot about before I could finish it

smoochin his lil hand awww they make me ill 🥰

[pondhue]

i love reading people's replies and tags and comments but not in a "obsessed with numbers/placing my value on interactions" way. i mean it in a, "wow. i love this thing so much. and people also love this thing. and they love the thing i made out of love and appreciation i have for said thing and we can love and appreciate it together" way.

[marstonsboy]

(stumbling in, covered in claw marks and blood) have you thought about jack marston today