#just me going about my life
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"we know how to move our bodies, but i didn't know how to manage my heart, so you need help for this"
hi we need to talk more about judo gold medallist christa deguchi.
#maybe i need her#that video about her battling mental health woes in 2021... ;___; i love her#she's all over the japanese forums the past few days#and the wlw community is going feral shfgshjfk#some of them call her “the one who got away”#and “my wife who was too hot for japan judo to handle but is now thriving under canada”#and today i just saw a post that just says:#i just learnt about deguchi-sama and then i rolled over in bed and looked at my husband#and thought to myself: maybe he's not the love of my life#in love with her actually#incredible things happening ;___;#also she has the three cutest cats........... please let me raise them with you....#long post#christa deguchi#team canada#olympics#paris 2024#cats#cats of tumblr#wlw#wlw post
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I wish we could have met in some other way.
Lawlight Week Day 2: Soulmates
If you saw me repost and re-edit this several times uh No you didn't </3
Still frames/Individual gifs:
If you know what every frame is from you get a free cookie. by the way
#death note#dn#light yagami#l lawliet#lawlight#oh god here we go#death note jdrama#death note 2015#death note 2006#death note musical#lctw#l change the world#dntm#lawlightweek2024#my art#collapses i am NEVER putting this much effort in one piece ever again /hj this was the Only one i had mostly prepared in advance#ironically the most painstaking part about making this entire thing was converting the images into an animated file#that wasn't either horrifically compressed or just. wouldn't loop. why do gifs have to look so BAD it's so inconvenient#and THEN i realized I had to forcibly Stitch the two animations together so they would actually be synced and it wouldn't look dumb#and the end result is STILL so compressed. because Tumblr. uhhh just don't click on it it'll look so scuffed LOL. anyways#this is what i get for watching Every Adaptation of Death Note. i am a death note multiverse truther#usually i'd have something clever to say in the tags but. this drained the life out of me just uh.#yeah. they're doomed in every universe. this is the only way they could've met. they are doomed by their own natures and the#circumstances that surround them. there is no universe where light tries to prevent L's death. and even in the cases where L Doesn't die#there is no universe where L can save light. there is no universe where he can truly “catch” Kira and make him see where he went wrong#(<- if you read LCTW you know. :) )#in every universe and adaptation L will call Light his first friend. in some universes they'll take that notion more seriously than others#no matter what one of them will die due to the other. its the only constant. it's the only way it can ever be. they are the others downfall
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last one i promise(<—lie)
#let’s as a society think more about why adrien wanted to go to school#and what. perhaps. he thought school was#i think the way chloe describes it she really is just a beautiful rich girl with too much time on her hands#and no one at school is treating her accordingly.#abby got so mad at me today because she thinks it’s too cringe that i keep taking about adrien liking ohshc#which is like. how are you gonna know me my whole life and then be disappointed when i’m cringe.#i’ve never hidden who i am. it’s cringe all the way down#anyway#ml#my art#miraculous ladybug#adrien agreste#chloe bourgeois#ohshc#wait i am gonna tag this thirteen actually. just go with me#thirteen
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at some point it's just like. do they even fucking like the thing they're asking AI to make? "oh we'll just use AI for all the scripts" "we'll just use AI for art" "no worries AI can write this book" "oh, AI could easily design this"
like... it's so clear they've never stood in the middle of an art museum and felt like crying, looking at a piece that somehow cuts into your marrow even though the artist and you are separated by space and time. they've never looked at a poem - once, twice, three times - just because the words feel like a fired gun, something too-close, clanging behind your eyes. they've never gotten to the end of the movie and had to arrive, blinking, back into their body, laughing a little because they were holding their breath without realizing.
"oh AI can mimic style" "AI can mimic emotion" "AI can mimic you and your job is almost gone, kid."
... how do i explain to you - you can make AI that does a perfect job of imitating me. you could disseminate it through the entire world and make so much money, using my works and my ideas and my everything.
and i'd still keep writing.
i don't know there's a word for it. in high school, we become aware that the way we feel about our artform is a cliche - it's like breathing. over and over, artists all feel the same thing. "i write because i need to" and "my music is how i speak" and "i make art because it's either that or i stop existing." it is such a common experience, the violence and immediacy we mean behind it is like breathing to me - comes out like a useless understatement. it's a cliche because we all feel it, not because the experience isn't actually persistent. so many of us have this ... fluttering urgency behind our ribs.
i'm not doing it for the money. for a star on the ground in some city i've never visited. i am doing it because when i was seven i started taking notebooks with me on walks. i am doing it because in second grade i wrote a poem and stood up in front of my whole class to read it out while i shook with nerves. i am doing it because i spent high school scribbling all my feelings down. i am doing it for the 16 year old me and the 18 year old me and the today-me, how we can never put the pen down. you can take me down to a subatomic layer, eviscerate me - and never find the source of it; it is of me. when i was 19 i named this blog inkskinned because i was dramatic and lonely and it felt like the only thing that was actually permanently-true about me was that this is what is inside of me, that the words come up over everything, coat everything, bloom their little twilight arias into every nook and corner and alley
"we're gonna replace you". that is okay. you think that i am writing to fill a space. that someone said JOB OPENING: Writer Needed, and i wrote to answer. you think one raindrop replaces another, and i think they're both just falling. you think art has a place, that is simply arrives on walls when it is needed, that is only ever on demand, perfect, easily requested. you see "audience spending" and "marketability" and "multi-line merch opportunity"
and i see a kid drowning. i am writing to make her a boat. i am writing because what used to be a river raft has long become a fully-rigged ship. i am writing because you can fucking rip this out of my cold dead clammy hands and i will still come back as a ghost and i will still be penning poems about it.
it isn't even love. the word we use the most i think is "passion". devotion, obsession, necessity. my favorite little fact about the magic of artists - "abracadabra" means i create as i speak. we make because it sluices out of us. because we look down and our hands are somehow already busy. because it was the first thing we knew and it is our backbone and heartbreak and everything. because we have given up well-paying jobs and a "real life" and the approval of our parents. we create because - the cliche again. it's like breathing. we create because we must.
you create because you're greedy.
#every time someones like ''AI will replace u" im like. u will have to fucking KILL ME#there is no replacement here bc i am not filling a position. i am just writing#and the writing is what i need to be doing#writeblr#this probably doesn't make sense bc its sooo frustrating i rarely speak it the way i want to#edited for the typo wrote it and then was late to a meeting lol#i love u people who mention my typos genuinely bc i don't always catch them!!!! :) it is doing me a genuine favor!!!#my friend says i should tell you ''thank you beta editors'' but i don't know what that means#i made her promise it isn't a wolf fanfiction thing. so if it IS a wolf thing she is DEAD to me (just kidding i love her)#hey PS PS PS ??? if ur reading this thinking what it's saying is ''i am financially capable of losing this'' ur reading it wrong#i write for free. i always have. i have worked 5-7 jobs at once to make ends meet.#i did not grow up with access or money. i did not grow up with connections or like some kind of excuse#i grew up and worked my fucking ASS OFF. and i STILL!!! wrote!!! on the side!!! because i didn't know how not to!!!#i do not write for money!!!! i write because i fuckken NEED TO#i could be in the fucking desert i could be in the fuckken tundra i could be in total darkness#and i would still be writing pretentious angsty poetry about it#im not in any way saying it's a good thing. i'm not in any way implying that they're NOT tryna kill us#i'm saying. you could take away our jobs and we could go hungry and we could suffer#and from that suffering (if i know us) we'd still fuckin make art.#i would LOVE to be able to make money doing this! i never have been able to. but i don't NEED to. i will find a way to make my life work#even if it means being miserable#but i will not give up this thing. for the whole world.
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I like to think breaking the canary curse via dying in the void had some effects on Lizzie
#ldshadowlady#wild life smp#secret life smp#technically since she broke the curse there#trafficblr#smth smth breaking the curse means taking it upon yourself- smth smth the miners need a bird so they'll catch another one#I've been wanting to draw pink canary Lizzie ever since she broke the curse and the urge to combine void and shadow creature made me go ins#I wanted to draw BAM or as i would have caption them: Team Canary. But I had too many thoughts on Lizzie design so its just her#Can you tell I am very normal about Lizzie shadowlady? yes i draw her a lot and made her creature but thats normal behavior trust me trust#it was either canary seablings or aquatic seablings w/ whale Lizzie but idk how to work in whale so bird she is#my art#the whole breaking the curse means becoming the curse is very beast!wirt to me but its october so its fitting ig.
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I think if I could be the kind stranger in someone’s memory, that’d be enough.
#sometimes I really sit and think about how much impact the sweet strangers in my life have had on me#thatve helped me keep going without ever knowing just how fucking miserable I was before them#like how can I ever repay the family that drew pictures and left them at my door as an apology for all the noise#the man who held the train door for me even after I slowed down bc I didn’t think I’d make it#the girl who held my hand at the beach because the waves were too strong for both of us to stand on our own#the nurse that charged my phone when I was at the hospital#like????#humans are good actually#hopecore#hopepunk#the indomitable human spirit
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mornings in the desert
#desert duo fanart#desert duo#scarian#kelddaa#kelds art#keld make a desertduo piece without excessive warm lighting challenge IMPOSSIBLE#it’s fine tho I love warm lighting#prob could’ve spent more time on this but eh oh well#took me a long time toiling with their expressions#eventually ended up with these… grimaces#maybe bc it’s so early in the morning#maybe bc it’s just these two fools#and they’ve got… whatever it is they’ve got going on in third life#third life Scarian is so special to me#agh sorry I’m falling back into my desert duo phase and rambling about them#1k
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mourning black and the death of ideals
#i haven't moved on from this yet. btw. i'm still here#finally decided to draw the thought i've been ruminating over for days on end bc it's like a parasite eating away my brain#stated this on the initial post i made days ago but there's just smt so gut wrenching and sickening#about how dazai will have worn black exactly twice in his life: once as a member of the mafia and now at kunikida's funeral#a color that initially signified devotion to the mafia and his demon prodigy alias now signifies his grief#him having to wear black again at the funeral of another doomed fatalist who chose his heart over his survival. his own partner.#kunikida's death being so reminiscent of the tragedy that initially caused him to defect and flee#and everything tying together full circle and effectively breaking him#asagiri rly said fuck knkdz it's doppover we lost gang 😭😭😭#why did bro leave that fucking notebook behind#fool. do you know that angst potential you have left me to work with?#love never won in bsd. it lay dead and festering#i don't know how much longer i can keep saying i miss them. i'm going to kill myself if he doesn't come back#i've never wanted something to be death bait so desperately#bungou stray dogs#bungo stray dogs#bsd#dazai osamu#osamu dazai#kunikidazai#knkdz#kunizai#(??? technically. its implied anyway)#lotus draws
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ENG PLAYERS I BESEECH YOU
I have been informed that you guys are getting part 4 of episode 7 tomorrow, which means we are FINALLY going to get the official romanization of Revaan's name, somebody please tell me because I need to know what it is.
like, yes, it's probably just Revan/Levan, but look, I'm sitting here with my finger over the button of all these Laverne and Shirley jokes and just waiting for the opportunity to deploy them --
#art#twisted wonderland#twisted wonderland spoilers#twisted wonderland episode 7 spoilers#twisted wonderland book 7 spoilers#twisted wonderland episode 7 part 5 spoilers#twisted wonderland book 7 part 5 spoilers#(not me realizing that meleanor doesn't actually appear non-silhouetted until part 5 so uhhhhh. whoops.)#(i know a bunch of you read the spoiler-tagged stuff though so i'm putting my life in your hands)#revan would be the funniest one i think because it's just raven but with the vowels switched and i'd be over here going WHAT COULD IT MEAN#anyway i'm here to give the people what they crave and it's obviously references to 70s american sitcoms that spun off of happy days#mork and grimdy. i-is that anything.#the problem of course is now that i might have to actually come up with a bunch of laverne and shirley jokes#when i haven't...actually watched it in a million years#(my personal pool of media i consumed growing up is a good 60% made up of random things i found to watch at 3 am because of insomnia)#(this probably explains a lot about me) (the opinions about zorro adaptations anyway)#hold on let me marathon all eight seasons and -- wait i'm just now finding out there was also an animated series#in which they joined the army and their sergeant was a literal cartoon pig but also they went to space and fought giant gorillas?#but how does boo boo kitty factor into this
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i miss them a little if im gonna be honest
#mp100#mob psycho 100#kageyama shigeo#kageyama ritsu#hanazawa teruki#tome kurata#tsubomi takane#shou suzuki#deliart#i meant for the image to be like. after the end but i also didnt think about the hairstyle changes. sorry......#also i know i was like shou 100% has dwarf hamsters since he got 2 but u know what i dont care. golden hamster stan for life#im planning on getting one i've been checking out breeders near me so i can get a proper healthy one. there are so many good ones here too#i already am thinking on what color im gonna go for..getting picky even. something like offwhite.. silver pearl.. silver dove.. silver mink#jurys still out on wether im gonna get another female or not#i do love how big ladies get and their intense energy and work ethic. truly the most passionate creatures i've ever come across. inspiring.#but a lazy fluffy guy that just sits around and washes his balls all day does seem easier. less likely to climb my curtains.#i got distracted i love hamsters so much. look at my mop drawing now everyone
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okay but like. I just had the weirdest thought about that ‘don’t look I’m naked’ comic. Which is that that’s essentially the same thing Adam and Eve did after they ate the fruit of knowledge of good&evil. So I feel like the theological implications of that could kneecap Gabe if he doesn’t think V1 is a being with free will.
yeah ok. i dunno man. is this anything
((side note. this isn’t necessarily meant to be in-character or story-accurate or take place at any particular point in time, just a way to explore some Thoughts. i was also imagining more that V1’s words aren't actually spoken, more like Gabriel’s more articulate interpretation of whatever garbled mechanical noise V1 is using to communicate. I think an angel could do that.))
and then they fucked nasty the end
#my art#my writing#who fuckin sent this. fuck you. come off anon so i can kick your ass. (the thoughts this ask sparked consumed almost 3 days of my life)#i dont know what this even is#i just work here#disclaimer i don't come from a particularly religious background so like.#most of my knowledge of christianity comes from when my mom sent me to vbs for cheap babysitting in middle school or absorbed via osmosis#so i have no idea what im talking about except for when i do! hope this helps#i love how i say that like i expect biblical scholars to tear apart my ultrakill gay fanfiction#if you are a biblical scholar and you want to tear apart my ultrakill gay fanfiction please know i am not going to read the bible for this#ultrakill#v1 ultrakill#gabriel ultrakill#gabv1el#blood#love tagging ultrakill stuff with blood. hmm yes the floor here is made out of floor
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the twins and their jelly genes 💕💢 ((from the newest chap of my fic! ao3/wattpad))
#just 2 more chapters to go and the fic will be done🥲#part of me is looking forward to having it done and under my belt BUT ALSO BIG SAD..... ill still keep drawing them tho#and will probs write some oneshots/a small series about their adult life as curse breakers and will also defs DRAW more of it#hogwarts legacy#sebastian sallow#ominis gaunt#sebastian sallow x mc#sebastian sallow x oc#anne sallow#ominis#ominis x anne#hogwarts legacy sebastian#hogwarts legacy ominis#clora clemons#choccyart
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got an urge to design ponies oops
#If people like this I'll do the rest of the life cast... No cutiemarks though cause Im really bad at those#geminitay fanart#pearlescentmoon fanart#jimmy solidarity#martyn inthelittlewood#scott smajor fanart#zombiecleo fanart#bdubs fanart#ethoslab fanart#impulse fanart#joel smallishbeans#he was difficult lol. I tried all sorts of green + brown (sometimes borderline red) colors but none felt quite right#so I just. made both the body and hair both green and brown. I think theres definitely a better design to be had here but I did my best#ldshadowlady fanart#Impulse ofc mostly inspired from that one skin where he has a beard#seeing people do fan designs for lifers is the only thing that gave me the urge to draw this#I wanted to see how much the colors could be played around with without making the ponies unrecognizable#and also like. pleasant to the eye. Again as if they could fit into the show itself#there arent a lot of skin toned ponies walking around equestria for a reason... it's uncanny unfortunately#that often makes fan ponies all follow the exact scame scheme of light body + dark hair#they get really indistinguishable so go wild!!!! mix things up!!!#sorry Im passionate about animal character design and ponies#tubby art
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something bad happened to you, and you died, and you came back wrong.
not wrong all the way. the little ways. you forget important dates, stopped going out with friends. it's harder to make you smile. you're apathetic towards things you used to love, afraid of places you used to go to cheer up. quieter. flinching. different.
you came back for love. you're still here for love. what pulled you back was a brightness so loud that even death couldn't outshout it. death heard the call and smiled at you and said okay. go home. somebody is waiting for you.
but you came back different. like lot's wife; you've turned into salt. you used to chirp through life in hops and skips; but now you lose skin just standing up. you have to move slower, skimming across this world without-touching-it. most things feel dull - until they're suddenly all-too-much. life, and being alive just rushes up and over you and you get hopelessly crushed.
you try to explain it to them: it is ugly, but this is what you are, now. the huge golden hoop of your halo now a little bronze ring. you are still watering your plants and wearing the same clothes. after all, you worked hard to come home. this life; so odd and off-color, now that you are wrong.
but they waited for you - it's just that they wanted the "you" that happened before this. the "you" that could sing in the show and hug people tight and look at a blade without breaking down to cry. the you with a smile in pictures. god, holyshit, it's like looking at a completely different person, isn't it. that other-you; the one they actually wanted.
you are the consolation prize. you are the body that forgot the ghost. you are the memory of the bad thing, and the death after; like you are wearing that memory as a banner. you are a fragment, an assembly. simulacrum. you don't make eye contact in mirrors, afraid the light will glance off and your true nature will flash back at you.
you hear them talk about it in their hushed, desperate whispers. sometimes they even admit it to your face; harsh and violent, acid thrown at christmas dinner. god, can you just fucking be normal again. you do not remember what normal is. you had to climb so far to get back here; you are far too exhausted. you want to open the glass door of your heart and show all the gears. can you help resolve whatever got messed up?
you try so, so hard. you came back for them. because you believed they would love you, even when you were so horribly broken. because you believed they would be patient. because you believed unconditional meant "without exception." you cannot do things the same way. you just get tired too quickly these days.
you want to put them on a couch and pour them the tea with hands that shake more than they remember. you want to line them up and draw them a map of where you have had to wander. you want to show every bruise in a backsplash; the little helpless ant of your soul carrying all that weight, over and over. you want to say: yes! it is different! but i did it for love!
you want to say: "i'm not the same, but i'm yours and i'm here. can that be enough?"
#this is very obviously about my battle with#ptsd#but i think it's also like a pretty apt metaphor for a lot of things like setting boundaries or going to therapy or choosing recovery#i was thinking about the 'comes back wrong' trope and i was like. oh no i have feelings about this bc i have mental illness#and once i stopped masking - i was WRONG. i was different#here's the good news: i am now INNUNDATED with love. fucking swimming in it. excelling at it. the people who stayed#learned my new self. my new different body and how i am different but i am trying. they have held me so tightly#and my life no longer feels quiet. it is not based in my suffering. it feels like i have been growing a tree in my chest#and now it is flowering.#it is so lovely to be surrounded by people who have said - oh! you cut off so many branches i was worried you weren't the same. but now...#... this is just a new you. and i love you. and i love that you're different and happy.#(but yeah also im nb so i was absolutely influenced by Trans things)
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you open my Super Important Documents and its just pictures of charles xavier
#xmen#mcu#xmen movies#xmen first class#charles xavier#professor x#snap sketches#todays schedule has been ruined by my ever occurring need to practice drawing movie charles its horrendous#i started this sheet last night but then i kept adding to it and i keep wanting to add to it but i MUST stop myself#in an ideal world i get paid to draw charles xavier and erik lehnsherr but no i live in this baka society#sleepless charles WAS inspired by me starting this at 1AM and forcing myself to sleep at 4AM#and then here i am picking i up still later .... i need professional help i fear but i aint got time for that#NEVERTHELESS I THINK IT GOT IT NOW. I THINK IM OK. i think i know how i wanna go bout drawing him now ...#chat can i confess that like. .5% of the reason i barely draw FC charles i because of his hair#for some reason some demonic entity prevents me from drawing it easily i am in STRUGGLE CITY#the only thing that gets me is that whenever i draw him i can only think of the likes of a disney prince but man thems the strokes ig#i also drew a quick dark phoenix charles but i figured id just keep this first class oriented#anything else i want to say ? uh. hm. its funny i never do any of these sheets for erik#genuinely On My Life made One (1) sheet and was like 'no yeah i got it. i got it down'#literally not my fault his head is So Shaped and defined but anyways. this aint about him.#i mean it could be. i still wanna do a doodle page concentrated on drawing how his powers show#more specifically how do i wanna draw the glow cause i cant decide on it ... also i wanna draw the 'levels' ...#but thats for another time. for right now i should probably eat i havent eaten all day#bye bye !!!!!! here's to hoping i draw something thats not a doodle sheet one of these days
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how do transmascs not want to kill themselves all the time honestly
#i experience transphobia and hardship in my daily life#and then i go home and go on my computer and learn that i dont experience any of that actually#im just pretending. and i shouldnt talk about it because im just a fake trans#who wishes his experiences could even measure up to a crumb of what real trans people (women) have to go through#ok cool.#testosterone is a controlled substance did you know that. my state is actively making it harder for people my age to access hrt#but i guess since im transmasc i dont actually have to worry about any of that! im fine!#i didnt have a 3 month time limit before it would be illegal for me to access hrt! im transmasc im too privileged to worry about that!#transphobia#transandrophobia
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