#just making myself cry on a random wednesday morning

[sapphoismymuse]

once again thinking about “tell Thorin that I love him. will you do that? will you tell my son i love him?” “you’ll tell him yourself?”

neither got the chance to tell him

[ranhaitanisgf]

guys let me yap for a second on main rq ……

OK SO first of all context to this is that my high school has a population of 4.5k students (💀💀💀) WHICH makes this very strange .

so there’s this guy that i’ve been seeing EVERYWHERE and seriously i’m beginning to be scared of seeing him because let me list all the times i see him in one day;

1. in the morning when i arrive at school and park, i am somehow always parked right across from his banana yellow jeep

2. in first period, where we are in the same group of friends

3. on wednesdays when we have homeroom because i have the same home room as him (he has mentioned that he sees me sitting by myself and that he feels bad bc i look like lonely like why did you have to say this in front of everyone . HE NEEDS TO BE STOPPED .)

4. during lunch because we have the same lunch period .

5. after lunch when we are at our lockers bc lockers are assigned by homeroom so our lockers r close together .

6. after school at the lockers and then we both walk the same way because we parked in the same damn place .

ASIDE FROM the regular times i see him , he also just shows up in random places sometimes . i.e literally this weekend when he was at the target i work at with his mom and brother, (i also am sometimes driving right next to him on the way to school which idk how that’d even possible )

also did i mention HE LIVES IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD . like get out pls this is my territory .

and now let me list the oddities of him and why he scares me :

1. as b4 mentioned, he had brought up THREE SEPARATE TIMES abt how i sit by myself in homeroom and that he feels bad for me like pls . leave me alone , AND WHY R U SAYING THIS IN FRONT OF EVERYBKDY GAWDDD .

2. as normal teenage girl behavior i sing karaoke to myself in the car while waiting for school to start . and then a week ago he said “oh do you talk to yourself in your car ? i always see you talking or something “ Y R U WATCHIBG ME .

3. on friday i was doing my eyeliner in the car and some it dropped into my eye so it stung and my eye was watering and stuff and so then when i got into class he said “were you crying in your car ? lol “ AGAIB Y R U WATCHING ME .

4. for the first three months of school he didn’t ever use his actual assigned locker (the one that’s near mine ) he was using his friends locker . but now he suddenly started using his assigned locker for rlly no reason AND IT STRESSES ME OUT . THIS IS MY TWRRITORY GET OUTTTT

5. it’s not weird but he followed me on instagram on friday and it freaked me out 😭😭😭

i’m gonna call him judas on here which is not his actual name but it’s what me and my friend call him lolol . SO THIS IS THE CONTEXT / BACKSTORY IF YOU SEE ME TALKING ABOUT JUDAS .

[livingasaghost]

september was not great folks, but we're trying <3

in the saddest realization of the season i discovered that my favorite part of the day is my 40m drive to work because it's chilly and i can see a lot of trees and the morning light and i also am in the perfect headspace to listen to Good Music and it's like when i used to make my morning playlists for opening the coffeeshop except soooo much more enjoyable

been listening to lots of holly humberstone and NF's new album and justin vernon stuff (bon iver, BRM, etc) and unfortunately gracie abrams - there's just something about all these artists being like "I AM THE PROBLEM ITS ME IM SORRY" that just speaks to me! that's not concerning at all!

laura and i talked for like two hours last night and it was like old times and god i really do miss when we'd just ride the same bus home and i could walk to her house ):

i've been trying to make taylor's chai cookies for like a week and i realized i absolutely have time to make them today so i'm trying to buck up the energy to do that in the next two hours before i have to be a person and go to a photoshoot

"good day" by olivia barton

i'm trying to get back into crying in h mart because mom finished reading it and we're supposedly buddy reading it so we can discuss it but i haven't felt like reading all month because i've been depressed...but like damn cancer sucks guys

in other news, i think because i've had such a shitty brain month this september i've almost pushed myself so far that halloween season sounds really fun!!! i'm trying to work through my halloween hate bc i think it's kind of silly and all my friends love halloween so i should love it too! and like i wanna watch spooky movies and be chilly and have FUN! god!

i kinda forgot a vital piece of jennalore which is that when i was a kid my mom's college roommate used to send us frosted sugar cookies shaped like bats every halloween and it was actually kinda the best thing ever? so i'm trying to channel that energy this season

work is batshit insane and i'm so exhausted by it i literally slept for 11hrs on like wednesday night bc i was so tired but also......when we're busy i always feel like i'm actually Doing Something and my bosses are so happy with the work i do so like.....it's good even though it's bad!

therapy has actually been really really good? like it Sucks bc it's therapy and i hate talking about my feelings but my therapist is the sweetest NB person ever and they're always just like "uhhh that's emotional abuse my dude!" and i'm so fucking excited bc at the end of october they're gonna have saturday openings which means i can finally go talk to them in person and not on my lunch break in our tiny break room!!!! at this point i have to pretend like my coworker can't hear everything i say during therapy otherwise i'd go insane so i always leave my sessions being like ......did max hear that i'm aroace and i have depression and i might be neurodivergent??? idk!!!

which speaking of, even though max and i definitely aren't like friends by any sense of the word....we are also just like having a time together! it's wild i see him most out of all the people i know but i think we're both going a little insane from the workload and being Depressed so we just spend all day being kinda wacky and for whatever reason i've reached a point where i stopped having a filter with him so i just start talking about the most random shit and he's cool with it lol

i think i might maybe be a little lonely! idk! i've been struggling to figure out what i need or who to talk to and i generally just want to talk to like two or three of my friends or my gc and everyone's just busy ): but then when i have the chance to talk to anyone and i Sit Down to try to interact bc i know some people are probably around i just get a little overwhelmed idk make it make sense!!!

and i realized i don't have a lot of IRL friends anymore bc a lot of the ones i had from the coffeeshop are Not My Friend and the ones i met on instagram are also Not My Friend and the ones i used to live with are Not My Friend and so my list of people to hang with is teeny tiny and idek what i need or want anymore so it's just my brain screaming .

the most frustrating thing rn is that i know i'm in a bad mental place however i cannot distinguish what i need! but when someone asks me what i need i get this intense panic/dread and i spiral real bad and if anyone tries to be kind to me it makes me feel worse and so it's like....i'm stuck in this stand still where i can't get what i need but i don't know what i need so i just eat cereal, listen to music, and go to bed early!!!

i don't wanna watch anything, i still haven't finished this season of only murders, i need a DVD player bc i want to watch the director's commentary of hill house, there's a bunch of shows and movies coming out soon that i feel overwhelmed by at the moment and it's just like !!! this is all so unfair

and i need to make all these appointments like getting my oil changed and going to the doctor for my annual but i cannot bring myself to do those things but also like should i ask my doctor about medication for depression??? surely it isn't that serious but like maybe it is idk!!!!

the depression isn't as bad as it's been in the past (i think?) like i felt a lot more hopeless in 2017 and i think a lot of that is because i do have a support system and a therapist and a good paying job and things to look forward to but like i'm very aware that many days i do just feel that feeling of "everything is meaningless and nothing will bring me joy ever again" so it's like !!! idk!!!! maybe i'm gaslighting myself into thinking i'm not that bad when in actuality i am!!!

i've just been stuck in that space of middle limbo with all my "diagnoses" that i cannot rationally understand if i'm allowing myself to see myself the way i am? like i always felt like i wasn't depressed enough to be Depressed bc i'm not suicidal but like ??? that's silly !!! maybe i am Depressed!!!!! but i don't even know how to go about getting meds and what they would do and it's almost more overwhelming to think about that than to just be depressed ): bc i still am convinced a lot of it comes down to the heat and the lingering effects of summer

but now i'm thinking about 2021 when it was the bad times and i stopped working on creative stuff or literally any year from 2017-2020 when i just spent the early fall Not Creating and having a crisis that i'd never create again and it's like.............is that bc i'm always depressed around this time? it's comforting bc i know life is seasons and i will come back around to making things and doing my silly projects but it's just sort of making me wonder how it would be different if i tried to find a way to get meds ....like would that Fix Me....would that Solve the Problem....what if it doesn't! what if i'm not depressed enough for that!

(this is all just thoughts, i'm fine, etc, just haven't let myself fully think about the depression this month bc i don't think there's a solution rn i'm just trying to get through it)

anyway, "good day" by olivia barton

[missegyptiana]

this week just got a whole lot worse, i always take the subway from this mall back to my school for my 5:30pm class every wednesday cause i have a morning class til 11:30am and then have nothing to do til 5:30pm, so i go to the mall to relax and work. but when i went to take the subway, they stopped all the trains due to an issue and it lasted like 15 mins and there were no buses i could go on to get to school in time, they sent buses to take us to the other stations while the issue was being fixed, but the buses got full and were late so i couldn’t go on. after all this the subway started working again so i was like fine maybe i’ll make it. i wait for the subway, for another 15 mins and then this random kid that used to go to my school starts talking to me and asking me questions about myself and my entire life and i should have just lied abt me and my name but i just wanted to cry at that point. and i didn’t know what to do. and couldn’t think of anything different to say and it turns out he was going back to campus even though he graduated last year. and then keeps talking to me the whole time til the subway shows up, and continues to do so until we get there. i realize i’m gonna miss my class so i’m already overwhelmed, and this rando keeps talking to me and i want to throw up at this point and then he asks for my social media and i lied and said i don’t have any cause he was hitting on me and he is just not it and was just WEIRD so he finally leaves me alone and then i went to go cry in the bathroom cause of all this and i know he’s gonna try and find me on insta and try and message me and i’m literally gonna go jump off a cliff at this point. like is that what i’m worth. this guy? and the other creeps? i’m literally shaking cause i’m stressed and overwhelmed. only creeps and guys who are the complete opposite of my type hit on me or stare while the guys ive liked in my life don’t even care to acknowledge my existence

[causenessus]

MY LOVLINESS <33333333333333 HELLO HELLO good morning evening or afternoon!! i hope you’ve eaten today(MAKE SURE YOU EAT) and i hope your day has been good!! i’m always manifesting a good day for you because you deserve it !! amongst other good good things <3333333333 I MISSED YOU SO MUCH LIKE my whole day i was like I NEED TO REMEMBER TO SHARE THIS WITH NESS like you’re always on my mind like that <33333 right now i’m eating instant pho(which is so funny because my mom is making pho rn but it won’t be ready until tomorrow sooooo…)(SUBSTITUTE!!) ALSO LITERALLY MICROSLEEPING AND WAKING UP IS SO FUNNY BECAUSE LIKE!! one moment it’s 7pm then it’s 7:15 THEN ITS LIKE 9PM AND IM LIKE WHAT?? literally when i woke up this morning my phone was on 30% and i had like keyboard spammed a bit in my response like i did NOT remember passing out so it was so so funny LOL

WE DEFINITELY WORKED IN PARALLELS BECAUSE TODAY AT WORK IT WAS ACTUALLY A GOOD DAY!! which meant you were there in spirit making my work day better <333333333333 my brother came to work and he gave me some snacks which i very much needed and appreciated and i had my favourite manger on duty too! and it felt like such a short and fast day because it was like kind of busy(everyone was back to school shopping so a lot of kids and parents!!) BUT the like thing i was bothered by was how many CRYING KIDS THERE WERE like i don’t know what was in the air but every kid was crying in the store i kid you not!! i wanted to pull my hair out JUST a little bit but overall it was still an okay work day!! and since it’s sunday and we close early IT MADE IT A LITTLE BETTER!! like coming outside and the sky still being bright is always a win! ALSO I GET WHAT YOU MEAN BY THE BREATHING THING DONT WORRY!! like being on autopilots is so weird like especially at work but sometimes it’s scary because ill be doing things so fast and then when i mess up i kind of pause and im like… what… what was i doing??? LMAO IDK IF THATS UNIVERSAL OR IF THATS JUST ME BUT!! literally my brain is just static tv and i’m just MOVING until someone is like “mango anon!” and i’m like OH HI?? like i love out of body experiences idk i think they’re funny LOL ALSO UR COWORKER SEEING YOU GROW UP IS SO CUTE <33333333333 like a lot of my coworkers are moms so they’re all very motherly and lovely it’s so endearing like i love my coworkers so much so i really don’t want to quit but like I NEED TO THINK OF MYSELF !! i have until wednesday i think to decide because then the new work schedule comes out right but THATS SO SOON SO IDK!! IDK IM SCARED!! but i will 100% update you on that if i do decide to quit or i might just take a break and come back during winter time so i can help out but WE’LL SEE! i’ll definitely talk to my manager about it though!!

YES THE GOODBYE MESSAGE LIKE I WISH I COULD SEND IT(i mean i could but it’s basically what you said! like here’s the intro ill copy and paste it)

“Hi team, good morning. I’m pretty sure by now. You might have heard the news that I have decided to resign my position as your store manager. I am sorry that I didn’t have a chance to say bye to many of you. YAP YAP YAP YAP”

(by the way we did NOT HEAR THE NEWS LIKE THIS WAS NEWS FOR EVERYONE!!)

like it just came out of nowhere and i was literally like OH OKAY!! because this was when i was literally thinking of quitting THEN SHE SENDS THAT AND IM LIKE oh!!! oohhhhh!! okay! AND PLS YOUR SISTERS BF SENDING YOU THAT MESSAGE??? LIKE ITS KIND OF ENDEARING THAT HE DID BUT the fact that you heard it from HER BF before HER was actually crazy like RANDOM BIG NEWS OUT OF NOWHERE IS SO FUNNY BECAUSE IM ALWAYS LIKE …. what happened to hello!.. how are you!.. how’s you day! like nope right to the case like if my brothers girlfriend ever sent me that i think i would literally like have a disconnected moment like i would just STARE at the message before properly processing it like…. wdym… WDYM?? WHY IS MY BROTHER RADIO SILENT RN???

OH MY GOD COLD KISSES MENTION??? I LOVE LOVE LOVED COLD KISSES SO MUCH I LOVE KENMA I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVEE AHHH cold kisses was so great like ALSO I DIDNT KNOW YOU WROTE BINARY STARS?? like i didn’t see it on your page until you brought it up again just recently and i was like WHAT!! so you bet i will 100% read it when i have the time because i literally love your writing so much like i wanna eat it and absorb it into my soul because reading it isn’t enough, i need to FULLY absorb it into me!! AND UR SO RIGHT!! i don’t blame him for totally being distracted by your smaus because me too! sometimes i’ll be sitting down then i remember a certain part of one of your smaus and i go back and read it LOL like LOVE NOTES<3333333333333 LOVE NOTES I MISS U <33333333333333333333 ALSO PLS FIGHT HIM OR TELL HIM TO GET OFF MY BACK!!! i unfortunately can not do 20 things at once as much as i wish to!! like i couldn’t even argue back when he was like “wait you aren’t done your main task?” like i was trying to be polite so i was literally like “no im sorry i’ve been busy doing the other stuff” and he was literally like “make sure you finish before you clock out!” LIKE REALLY??? REALLY???? OH NO I WAS JUST PLANNING ON NOT DOING MY JOB!!! like i wanted to scream because im just a girl and maybe stop making me do your side missions!! also i find it so cute how we’re starting to share words or kind of text mannerisms?(if that makes sense) LIKE WE ARE LITERALLY ONE NESS!! WE ARE ONE!!! SOULMATES FOREVER I TELL YOU !!!!

also the way i can totally imagine your manager LOL WITH THE HAIRCUT AND THE CAR WITH THE DUCKS?? AND YES I REMEMBER THE BLACK CORAL THING THAT WAS CRAZY! your manager sounds so unserious like WDYM A POUND OF COCAINE?? like he’s so silly i agree we should have more silly managers like i have my male manager, a silly manager, my fav manager aka the girl manager i was talking about AND THE STORE MANAGER THAT JUST QUIT(still literally FLABBERGASTED BY THIS) ALSO UR CLOSING LIKE UMM PROCEDURES(?)ARE SO DIFFERENT FROM MINE! because we literally just all clean together like there’s not really a department separation? but we do have like a home section but everyone kind of like does their own thing right like the manager will send some people to one section of the store and other sections and stuff like that but overall we all kind of close together if that makes sense??? ALSO YOU SWEEPING THE ENTIRE STORE??? absolutely NO WAY like i was paid to stand here and help little customers NOT SWEEP THE WHOLE STORE?? me personally i would’ve helped you because there’s no way LIKE IDK WE HAVE CLEANERS TO DO THAT AT MY STORE BUT THATS STILL CRAZY! like wdym sweep the ENTIRE STORE?? BY MYSELF??? like i would cry but i hope you were okay! also not being able to take your 15 i would RIOT and i would give myself an extra 15 minute break on my next shift because there’s no way… and to the manager that yelled at you for being on your phone I WILL BITE U !!! NOT LOVINGLY I WILL BARK BARK BARK LIKE HOW DARE SHE?? the nerve after MAKING YOU MISS YOUR BREAK AND SWEEP THE WHOLE STORE?? i’m absolutely FUMING FOR YOU RIGHT NOW!!(also i did find it funny but funny in a way where i’m like THAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED?? LIKE THATS CRAZY) if i ever had to miss my break like that i would literally make it EVERYONES problem like i will be a total maniac about it like “ugh i couldn’t take MY 15 MINUTE BREAK” (like its just 15 min but 15 MINUTES IS 15 MINUTES OF MUCH NEEDED ME TIME!!!)

ALSO PLS I DO NOT WISH CLOTHING RETAIL ON U!! like i’m not saying it’s terrible but i feel like clothing retail workers get disrespected A LOT and like customers are not very mindful and I DONT WISH THAT ON U!! U DESERVE NOTHING BUT THE BEST!! also that manager that made you cry??? i hope he knows i’ve casted a hex on him and that he will not know peace…. i will personally make sure he doesn’t know peace …… i’m coming out for him(not lovingly) and not the compromise LMAOOO like no it’s not a scheduling problem it’s a HIM problem !! also i think i will just like write a letter like hey sorry im quitting because i can’t prioritize work anymore and YAP YAP YAP ty for teaching me how to do clothing stuff and YAP YAP YAP AND UR SO RIGHT!! god knew we’d be too powerful together so he put us in different countries because otherwise?? WE COULD BUILD HOUSES!! RUN A RESTAURANT BY OURSELVES!! TAKE OVER THE WORLD EVEN!! anything is possible with u LIKE WE’D BE TOO POWERFUL!!

WE ARE DIFFERENT TWO PEAS IN A POD BECAUSE WHENEVER YOURE LIKE “i’m sorry idk if that made sense” i’m always like IT DOES!! I GET YOU!! U DONT HAVE TO WORRY!! like we are on the same wavelength we are one in two we are soulmates twin flames lovers and everything in between

NESS UR LITERALLY THE SWEEST LIKE IDK IT FEELS SO ENDEARING THAT YOU THINK OF ME LIKE TELL ME WHY IM KICKING MY FEET AND GIGGLING RN !! i love hearing work drama because it’s so crazy like i have so many old work stories that i swear they sound fake BUT ITS REAL LIKE literally the most random things happen at work and maybe that’s why i like staying like maybe i need that extra drama in my life you know!! AND STOP NESS STOP STOP YOU SAVING YOUR DAY FOR ME?? FOR ME HHHH AHHHHHH i’m gonna give you a big fat kiss like i’m AHHHHH IM SO SOFT AND SQUISHY RN!! you’re making me smile like if people see me smiling at my phone like no it’s not a MAN it’s NESS THE LOVE OF MY LIFE MY EVERYTHING!!! ness i love you like my life is yours i genuinely like every words of endearment will be dedicated to you for the rest of my life like i would catch a grenade bruno mars style for you like STOP IM SORRY I CANT GET OVER THIS AHHH ur so sweet i will bite ur cheek lovingly and give you my heart and soul and body and mind and anything you want <333333333333 just say the word and ill do it for you <3333333333333333 also i will keep in mind the requests thing because that’s so cute like i’m IM SO SQUISHY RN I LOVE YOU SO MUCH AHHH AHHHHHHHHH

ALSO UR RIGHT MEN DONT DESERVE MY POLITENESS!! like i lost my customer service voice a LONG time ago because i can not deal with these customers anymore!! because some of them just don’t deserve it like im not gonna gentle parent you and be like “no sir! i’m sorry that the government made you pay for bags but that’s not my fault! would you like to express how you’re feeling and we can talk it out?” LIKE NO I DO NOT CARE LIKE IM SORRY OUR BAGS ARS 50 CENTS BUT THATS LIFE BUDDY!!! NOT MY FAULT!! like he’s acting like i was sitting with the damn president and making that decision with him like he’s acting like i was like “yes mister president we should get rid of plastic bags and make the customers pay for reusable bags” LIKE IM SORRY MAN I WAS NOT THERE !! u think i like asking you to pay 50 cents for a bag? NO!! but i don’t want to lose my job unfortunately!! but i think i will be quitting which is very bittersweet and sad but we’ll see!! maybe ill try out just working 9-5 every saturday and see how it goes… BUT WHO KNOWS!! my managers are silly so maybe they’ll say yes or no but ill update you on that!!

also omg the cinnamon almond butter i found online is $20 SHIPPING FEE??? AND THE JAR ITSELF IS $17 LIKE THATS CRAZY! the jar itself costs more than what i make in an hour and you want me to pay $20??? FOR SHIPPING?? at this point i will make it myself OR I WILL MEET NESS AND SHARE THE CINNAMON ALMOND BUTTER WITH BAGELS <3333333 we can eat it together like a cute little picnic and talk about how terrible work is <3333333333333333333

ALSO I DECIDED I WILL MAKE A BURNER ACCOUNT FOR YOU !! just because my account right now is so messy like i’ve reblogged a bunch of things from like old fandoms so you’ll scroll and you’ll see like gravity falls, fnaf, fairy tail like LOL A BUNCH OF MESSY THINGS but also just so you have a way to reach out to me and like also i miss you a bunch throughout the day so maybe ill just be like “missing u hours !!!” and also if you ever wanna tell me anything somewhat personal(like the bday thing WHICH IM SO SO SO SO SORRY ABOUT LIKE I GENUINELY CANT EVEN EXPRESS HOW SORRY I AM FOR BRINGING IT UP but ill expand on this more later)(AGAIN IM SO SO SORRY LIKE I FELT SO BAD AND I HHHHH) then ill be there!! BUT I LOVE OUR DYNAMIC TOO LIKE this is literally me sending you LOVE NOTES everyday!!

OMG SCORPIOS AND CANCERS ARE COMPATIBLE?? STOP IT BECAUSE WE ARE LITERALLY MEANT TO BE NESS LIKE EVEN THE STARS SAY SO!! also ness im so sorry like im genuinely so sorry for bringing it up I HAD NO IDEA HHHH I DIDNT THINK ABOUT IT AND IM SO SORRY LIKE I DONT THINK YOURE A LIAR AND YOUR REASONING MAKES TOTAL SENSE but i’m still so sorry like oh my god i felt so bad when i read that like im gonna send you a bit birthday cake and presents right now :((( and a big sorry cake like I FEEL SO BAD AND IK YOULL TELL ME NOT TO FEEL BAD AND TO NOT FEEL GUILTY BUT I DO IM SORRY(if i ever bring up something you’re uncomfortable with please please please don’t feel obligated to answer like i will not mind!! id rather you be comfortable than feel like you have to admit something you don’t want to)(you’re my number one priority so please please don’t ever feel forced to say things!!)it definitely wasn’t upsetting to find out i’m so sorry i was just more concerned that i missed your birthday and i didn’t say happy birthday </3333 i literally love love love you so much please don’t say sorry </3 you’re okay!! i’ll literally give you the biggest hug ever im so sorry and everything is okay you’re okay and you’re doing fine!! <33333333333333333333333

AND OMG I KNEW THE SUNA AND ATSUMU LOSER THING WAS YOU!! i’ve been your guardian angel since day one <3333333 your guard dog and everything! i remember seeing it and i was like if 2020 haikyuu fandom finds this they would grill this poor girl so im going to send in something to make sure she knows i have her back!! ONE MAN ARMY I TELL YOU!! i will literally stand in the frontlines for you and protect you against the suna smoking headcanon-ers(?) like I HAVE YOUR BACK FOREVER AND ALWAYS!! i remember also i kept checking your blog to make sure no one was sending in hate like i was on GUARD because i was like i will literally defend this girl with my life if i see her starting to get hate (i loved you from day one it was love at first sight) AND I WILL PROTECT YOU IN PHAS SO DONT WORRY!! you can stay in the van and watch the cameras while i set everything up!! you can just sit and look pretty and ill enter in the house for you <33333333333

YES THE RANDOM INTERMISSIONS ILL DO THAT NOW TO REMIND YOU TO DRINK WATER !! MYSELF INCLUDED!! because sometimes i forget to drink water since like i don’t get thirsty sometimes but i realize that i haven’t drank that much water… SO ALWAYS REMEMBER TO DRINK WATER!!!

ness im literally on a plane rn flying to the states for you like I WILL BE YOUR SOUND PERSON!! your director sounds kind of mean i hope you don’t have that same stress and everything goes smooth sailing for you </33333 unfortunately idk what a thespian conference is? i don’t think my country does that or maybe just my high school LOL but i hope your stage manager duties goes well because you deserve the best!! and if your director says something to you then i will appear right behind him and kick him unlovingly!! but i know you can do it and YOULL DO A GOOD JOB!! IM ROUTING FOR YOU AND IK YOULL DO WELL!! don’t stress to much and remember that at the end of the day, it’s just tech and you’re more important than the show <333333333333333 please prioritize yourself and make sure you’re eating and drinking lots of water!!

I TOTALLY AGREE WITH YOU ON THE KIDS THING!! there will definitely be the annoying menaces but then you find the absolute sweethearts and they just <33333333 like motherly instincts coming in quick because i just want to protect them!! like i wish i adopted a tech theatre kid so i could protect them from the director but unfortunately all of them were so annoying so FREE FOR ALL!! DONT WORRY ABOUT TYPOS BECAUSE I PROBABLY MAKE TYPOS TOO BUT DW!! like i stopped proofreading these so i just wrote and hope for the best and im glad that i get my point across enough LOL BUT SOMETIMES I IMAGINE LIKE “i wonder if ness reads these and thinks im crazy…” AND I WOULDNT BLAME YOU!! you could never do anything wrong and even if you HYPOTHETICALLY DO it would turn a blind eye because i know ness can’t do anything wrong!! AND THE NIGHTMARE WOULD SCARE ME TOO OH MY GOD having tech theatre nightmares are so real because i literally had a nightmare before like during high school where i totally messed up my cues and just started free balling the motherboard and it was a MESS!! it was definitely pre show anxiety since this was like the night before the show or like close to the show (i’m not too sure i don’t remember it was a WHILE AGO) but omg i’m so proud of your kids like THEY DID IT WITH YOUR GUIDANCE <333333333 UR ALREADY DOING SO WELL AS STAGE MANAGER!!!

OMG US COPARENTING YOUR THEATRE CHILD <3333333333 me mango anon being not a step father but a father that STEPPED UP!! us literally being the cast of some tech theatre sitcom LOL WE WOULD TOTALLY BE LIKE HIGHSCHOOL MUSICAL!! and i totally get going back like i would probably go back too (i think i said this already) but the drama i live for!! like i love just sitting back and observing it all like it’ll literally be like keeping up with the kardashians(i’ve never watched that before)(or any reality tv show to be honest)

AND YES BEHIND THE SCREEN IM LITERALLY SUNA RINTAROU!!! NESS UR SO CUTE LIKE THE CUTEST I LOVE YOU SO MUCH LIKE i will be your suna rintarou <3333333333333333333 we are meant to be like i was meant to live during this era in this lifetime in this universe because i can’t imagine me without you now like you’re part of my life forever and always now <3333333 i can’t imagine myself without you and ill literally do anything for you

I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE ILL LITERALLY CURSE WORK FOR TAKING UP MY TIME AWAY FROM YOU <////////3 i’ll be your suna forever, whatever you want ness ill do it for you <333333333 literally the love of my life is you like YOU ARE THE LOVE OF MY LIFE!! don’t overwork yourself pretty i will pay for your ticket <333333333333333333333 i literally love love love you I CANT WAIT TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR DAY AND WHAT YOUVE HAD TO EAT !! you mentioned cooking on monday so lmk how that goes!! make sure to eat and take care of yourself I LOVE YOU TONS HAVE A GOOD MORNING EVENING OR NIGHT!! xoxoxoxo

MANGO ANON I LOVE YOU SO MUCH <3 HELLO I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!!!! AND UNFORTUNATELY THE LAST TIME I ATE WAS AT LIKE 7 AM (it's 5 pm 💀) I'M SORRY FOR GIVE ME I DID MY CLEANING RAMPAGE AND LOST TRACK OF TIME BUT DW I'M DRINKING MY SILLY LITTLE ICED TEA LEMONADE DRINK AND I BROUGHT ALMOND BUTTER TOAST WITH MYSELF TO THE LIBRARY!!! SO I WILL EAT THAT NOW DO NOT WORRY!! THANK YOU SO MUCH AND MAKE SURE YOU EAT AS WELL!!! (and this is so funny bc i was about be like!! AND U SHOULD TELL ME WHAT U EAT!! BC I FEEL LIKE U HAVEN'T TOLD ME IN A BIT!! and then you said instant pho SO WE WERE ALREADY ON THE SAME WAVE LENGTH and omg pho is so good!! lowkey may have to go out to get pho soon bc that sounds so good now </33 AND YOUR MOM IS MAKING PHO???? THAT'S SO COOL I HOPE IT TURNS OUT GOOD!!! and dw everytime i accidentally fall asleep i'm always hitting a key so i'll wake up and it's just a bunch of j's 😭😭😭

AND AA I'M SO GLAD YOUR DAY AT WORK WAS GOOD!! I THINK MINE WAS TOO,, LIKE IT WAS A LITTLE BUSY (and basically at my job like i have to do the production [actually framing things] AND take orders whenever people come in wanting to frame something but I SUCK and HATE TAKING ORDERS) and people kept coming in wanting to frame things but like i'm usually a closer and never have to deal with people wanting to make an order so after the second order i was DONE i was like "please no one else come in i cannot look at this tape measure and figure out which 16th of an inch ur child's first grade art falls on again" so like?? the WORK wasn't good but it definitely went by quickly!! and we close earlier on sundays too SO IT WAS SUPER FAST!! AND I TOTALLY GET THE AUTOPILOT AND DOING THINGS FAST TOO I REMEMBER I WAS DOING A FRAME ONCE AND WAS SO FOCUSED I DIDN'T SEE A CUSTOMER WAITING FOR ME and this is like a middle aged man but he was literally like "oh dw!! i didn't say anything bc i didn't want to bother you when you were LOCKED IN" and i was like "did u just say locked in to me??? who r u???" LMAO idk that was the only thought going thru my head during that interaction i was NOT expecting that BUT I'M GLAD YOUR DAY WAS GOOD AND THAT YOU HAD A GOOD MANAGER ON DUTY AND EVERYTHING!!!

(i just full on dropped my toast container and hit the table in this silent library btw. not a w moment for ness.) ANYWAY DEF KEEP ME UPDATED ON IF YOU QUIT OR STAY!! IK THERE'S LIKE PROS AND CONS TO BOTH SIDES AND IT'S A DIFFICULT CHOICE AND I WILL SUPPORT YOU EITHER WAY!! <33

AND YOUR STORE MANAGER'S GOODBYE MESSAGE 😭😭😭 "i'm sure you've heard the news by now" WHEN NO ONE KNEW IS SO FUNNY AND THE WAY IMMEDIATELY AFTERWARDS SHE WAS LIKE "i'm sorry i didn't have the chance to say goodbye to most of you" i just KNOW that woman left asap like she was running out of that store LMAO 😭

AND YEAH LIKE MY SISTER'S BF IS SUPER SWEET I'M GLAD THEY'RE BACK TOGETHER AND EVERYTHING <3 BUT I WAS DEF SHOCKED WHEN I SAW THAT TEXT IN MY NOTIFS OUT OF NOWHERE WITH LIKE NO OTHER CONTEXT OR MESSAGE 😭

YES COLD KISSES!!! COLD KISSES WAS SO FUN TO WRITE OMG <3 AND PLEASE i can't stop you...but like i would not reccomend reading binary stars....that was my first smau and it was NOT good (there's definitely like an oikawa curse that a few of us haikyuu smau writers have realized...like writing for oikawa as the love interest just NEVER GOES WELL idk what it is about him but 😔😔😔) so there WAS THAT on top of it being my first smau AND someone was like lowkey rb all those chapters and saying things yk like "they fr just need to confess omfg" and ik like!! it was probably lighthearted!! (maybe) but it was very pressuring so literally i cut that smau super short WHICH I'M GLAD I DID but like the entire experience of writing that smau was NOT good AND another bonus thing bc u know him now but like....that was heavily based off of my dynamic with regina george kin man (i love that we call them that) bc UNFORTUNATELY... I DID LIKE HIM FOR A BIT 😔 and we had a very strange dynamic until i finally opened my eyes and realized he was not a good person LMAO SO LIKE THAT'S WHY I NEVER TALK ABOUT BINARY STARS BC I'M NOT PROUD OF THAT SMAU BUT OFC I CAN'T STOP YOU!! 😭 AND I TOTALLY GET WHAT U MEAN MANGO ANON!! WE ARE ONE <33 AND I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!! I WILL TOTALLY BEAT UP UR MANAGER OR JUST START SPAMMING HIM WITH SMAU LINKS BC HE NEEDS A CHANGE OF HEART!!!

AND YEAH ALL OF MY MANAGERS ARE LIKE SUPER SPECIAL 😭😭 IDK MY WORK LOWKEY IS SO SKETCHY AND BAD YESTERDAY ALL OF MY COWORKERS AND ME WERE SITTING IN THE BREAK ROOM WAITING FOR OUR MANAGER TO GET THERE SO WE COULD CLOCK OUT AND WE ENDED UP JUST COMPLAINING AND VENTING ABOUT OUR WORKPLACE (i could not tell u how terrified i was talking in there i was like "???????? what if they have secret cameras in here!! what if we all get fired after this!!" and then we were just talking bc like one of my coworkers has been there for seven years and was telling us about how like she started out at like $18 or something and then over the years it's gone BACK DOWN TO MINIMUM WAGE despite all of her credentials and like time with the company which is CRAZY and then she was talking to me and she was like "and ur a framer. so ur getting paid more than minimum wage, right?" (and my other coworker agreed with that statement) but then i was like ".....no....they're paying me minimum wage....and also never put me in the system as a framer....and also made me start framing when i was still 17.....so...." IT'S PRETTY SKETCHY IDK 😭 AND LIKE I THINK EVERYONE ELSE WORKS TOGETHER?? IT'S JUST BC THE FRAMING DEPARTMENT IS COMPLETELY SEPERATE FROM EVERYTHING ELSE WE HAVE DIFFERENT DUTIES IG BUT YES THANK YOU FOR SUPPORTING ME ABOUT SWEEPING THE FLOORS!! I LITERALLY HATE IT BUT NOW HAVE SO MUCH RESPECT FOR THE PEOPLE WHO HAVE TO DO IT EVERY NIGHT </33

AND UR SO RIGHT!!! WE ARE LITERALLY TOO POWERFUL OF A DUO LIKE LITERALLY CAN YOU IMAGINE IF WE HAD DONE TECH TOGETHER?? WE'D LITERALLY BE BREAKING LIKE WORLD RECORDS FOR HAVING THE FIRST FUNCTIONING THEATRE DEPARTMENT (BC WE'RE SUCH A COOL DUO AND KNOW HOW TO DO EVERYTHING LIKE IF WE WERE TOGETHER EVERYTHING WOULD'VE BEEN FINE YK </33 NOT AS MUCH TRAUMA MAYBE!!) AND BEING THE COOLEST DUO EVER!! but god said no why would i do that </3 BUT PLEASE YEAH WHEN I CAME BACK TO WORK AT THIS RESTAURAUNT AS A HOSTESS LIKE THEY WANTED ME TO WORK FRIDAYS AND SATURDAYS BUT IF I WORKED FRIDAYS I'D BE WORKING WITH THE MANAGER THAT MADE ME CRY SO I WAS LIKE "ummm no thanks!! i'll just stick with saturdays <3" (ALSO an entirely other thing let me rant about this lady OMG FIRST OF ALL no offense everyone is beautiful BUT SHE LITERALLY GOT LIKE EYE LINER TATTOOS SO SHE NEVER HAS TO DO HER EYELINER BUT FIRST OF ALL IT JUST MAKES HER LOOK SCARY BC LIKE IT'S NOT CUTESY OO LOOK AT THIS WING OR ANYTHING IT'S JUST FULL ON LIKE ALMOST EMO EYELINER YK AND ALSO??? YOU GOT A NEEDLE THAT CLOSE TO YOUR EYE???? NO THANK YOU OMG. OKAY SECOND THING I'M SURE A LOT OF RESTAURANTS LIKE OLIVE GARDEN USUALLY DO LIKE SECTIONS FOR THEIR SERVERS YK?? BUT AT MY RESTAURAUNT I STARTED OUT DOING ROTATIONS [i feel like i've explained this to u before i'm sorry] AND IT'S NOT REALLY IMPORTANT JUST KNOW THEY'RE DIFFERENT AND MY SERVERS LIKE ROTATIONS MORE AND SO DO I BUT THIS MANAGER WOULD ALWAYS FORCE ME TO DO SECTIONS WHEN I WORKED WITH HER [and spoke in a way that was always objectifyig and dehumanizing the servers which i HATED. she'd be like "well if we do sections then they have no choice but to make sure their tables are clean so that they can be sat again. if they don't have any more tables in their section, that's their fault. skip them." BUT LIKE??? I'M THERE TO HELP THEM CLEAN THEIR TABLES THEY'RE ALREADY DEALING WITH SO MUCH AND??? THEY DON'T CONTROL WHEN TABLES LEAVES LIKE U CAN'T BLAME THEM IF A TABLE STAYS FOR HOURS. AND LASTLY bc i work there with my mom!! this manager was always scared i was like biased towards her and would constantly PURPOSELY give her bad tables or one time she had a regular come in but like three other of my mother's regulars came in so my manager was literally like "no. you can't have her [my mom] be your server. why don't you try having another server for once?" SO LIKE I HATE HER SM okay sorry i'm done!!!)

AND AAA MANGO ANON I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!! YES I SAVE ALL MY DAYS AND DRAMAS FOR YOU BECAUSE I LOVE TLAKING TO *YOU*!!!!!!! YOU ARE SO SO SWEET I AM GIVING U A KISS BACK <3333 YOU ARE THE LOVE OF MY LIFE!!!

BUT OMG THE STUPID 50 CENT BAG THING 😭😭😭 I'M SO GLAD SOMEONE GETS THAT BC I DON'T THINK EVERY PLACE DOES THAT BUT I'M ALWAYS FIGHTING WITH THAT TOO AND IDK IF I'VE EVER SHARED THIS STORY ON HERE BEFORE BUT WHEN THEY FIRST STARTED ENFORCING THAT AND MY SISTER'S BF DIDN'T KNOW HE WAS SO MAD HE LITERALLY JUST TOOK A SUPERMARKET BASKET he was like "ur making me pay 50 cents for a plastic bag?? THEN I'M TAKING UR BASKET TAKE THAT" BUT AS U SHOULD!! LOSING YOUR CUSTOMER VOICE!! LIKE IF THEY DON'T RESPECT YOU THEN YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE TO RESPECT THEM!! did that guy think you were going to give you the bag for free?? like, "oh i'm so sorry you are so right mr. karen. it is so stupid that u have to pay 50 cents for this bag idek why we started doing that!! here just the take the bag!!" LIKE BRO WHAT WERE YOU SUPPOSED TO DO ABOUT IT AND IT'S NOT LIKE YOU'RE THE ONLY STORE THAT DOES THAT 😭😭😭

AND YES IDK WHY ALMOND BUTTER IS SO EXPENSIVE!!! DEFINITELY DON'T PAY THAT MUCH FOR SHIPPING OR EVEN JUST THE JAR 😭😭 DW!! I WILL SHIP YOU ALMOND BUTTER FROM MY STATE!!! YOU CAN HAVE IT FOR FREE AND MAYBE I'LL JUST LIKE SHIP MYSELF WITH THE ALMOND BUTTER AND THEN ALL OF OUR PROBLEMS WILL BE SOLVED!!!

and omg FAIRY TAIL WAS MY LIFE AS A KID i will not ever be reverting to that era of my life!!! but DW AT ALL LIKE THE WAY I HAVE RESTARTED THIS BLOG THREE SEPERATE TIMES DON'T EVEN WORRY BUT YOUR BURNER ACCOUNT IS SO SO CUTE <33 AND DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE BDAY THING AT ALL!! LIKE I DIDN'T HAVE TO SAY ALL THAT AND I FELT SO BAD TOO BUT LIKE I THINK I MAKE IT MORE DRAMATIC THAN IT REALLY WAS LIKE I WAS MAKING A BIG DEAL ABOUT IT BUT YOU WERE SUPER CHILL ABOUT IT AND I APPRECIATE IT SM!!! BUT I ABOSLUTELY LOVE YOUR BURNER ACCOUNT TOO AND WILL VERY FREQUENTLY BE SENDING YOU "missing u hours </3 dms!!!" ily mango anon!! i'm giving u another big fat kiss rn mwah <3

YES THE STARS SAY SO!!!!!! WE ARE LITERALLY MEANT TO BE (and bc i'm writing this while we're also dming) LITERALLY WE JUST NEED TO MOVE IN TOGETHER!! LIKE MANGO ANON AND NESS MEET UP NOW!! WE WERE ALWAYS MEANT TO BE </33 AND DON'T BE SORRY ABOUT IT AT ALL!! AGAIN IK I DIDN'T LIKE I HAVE TO SAY ANYTHING OR SAY ALL THAT BUT I JUST WANTED TO LIKE BE AS HONEST AS POSSIBLE AND I TOTALLY TRUST YOU AND DID NOT MIND TALKING ABOUT IT AT ALL!! THANK YOU FOR BEING SO UNDERSTANDING LIKE THAT'S ALL I COULD'VE ASKED FOR AND I LOVE YOU SO MUCH AND NEVER FEEL PRESSURED TO TELL ME ANYTHING AT ALL AND YOU'RE ALSO MY NUMBER ONE PRIORITY!!! <33

I'M CRYING THAT YOU WERE THERE TO PROTECT ME FROM DAY ONE OMG 😭😭😭😭 I'M LITERALLY SO IN LOVE WITH YOU!!! THAT LITERALLY MADE ME START KICKING MY FEET WHEN YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT CHECKING MY BLOG TO MAKE SURE NO ONE WAS SENDING IN HATE PLEASE </33 I AM LITERALLY SO HONORED I LOVE YOU SO MUCH MANGO ANON!!! THANK YOU FOR ALWAYS BEING THERE TO SUPPORT ME <33

random intermission!! do not worry i have finished my toast after that embarrassing moment where i dropped it </3 and then some guy who was wearing WAY too much axe spray came up to me and was like "hey can i have this chair?" (the extra one on the other side of the table i'm at) and i was like "oh ofc!! 😃😃😃" AS YOU READ THIS TAKE THIS AS ANOTHER BREAK TO DRINK WATER!! AND I ALSO WILL THANK YOU LOVE <333

THANK YOU MANGO ANON!! PLEASE BE MY SOUND PERSON </3 AND YEAH THEY'RE BOTH A LITTLE CRAZY AND MEAN AND LIKE THEY ARE MISOGYNISTIC HET WHITE MEN SO I DON'T THINK I COULD EXPECT ANYTHING MORE FROM THEM (one of them's usually pretty nice <3 except that one time he made me cry) BUT IT DEFINITELY ISN'T LIKE AMAZING WORKING WITH THEM BUT I WILL GET THROUGH IT THANK YOU!! i will tell you all about it once my duties start up!! (the day is slowly approaching and i am NOT ready at ALL)

LMAOO I LAUGHED SO HARD ABOUT YOUR NIGHTMARE WHERE YOU STARTED FREE BALLING THE MOTHERBOARD 😭😭 it's not funny i totally get it (i am once again trying to hold myself back from always talking in caps SORRY) and i've had SO many of those nightmares too (i'll tell u about them sometime LMAO) but like bc i've literally done that in person before and had nightmares like that i laughed 😭😭😭 AND I TOTALLY GET IT like when i was actually in high school?? yeah there was one kid i loved she was super sweet!! but she was an actor and i didn't really interact with them much and everyone else was SO annoying LIKE I GET U so i also didn't really adopt anyone!! BUT YES NOW I HAVE KIDS AND I'M SO PROUD OF THEM <33 I'M VISITING AGAIN TOMORROW BC I WANT TO SEE MY CHILD LMAO 😭

YOU'RE THE FATHER THAT STEPPED UP LMAO YES FR!!!! JUST ANOTHER WAY WE ARE THE MOST ICONIC DUO!! LOOK AT US COPARENTING TOO OMG <3 AND YES YOU ARE MY IRL SUNA RINTAROU!! I'M ALSO SO SO SO SO GLAD YOU'RE IN MY LIFE I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'D BE DOING RN WITHOUT YOU I'M SO SO HAPPY TO KNOW YOU AND TALK TO YOU ALWAYS!!! <33333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333

YOU ARE THE LOVE OF MY LIFE!! PLEASE TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF AS WELL AND DON'T OVER WORK YOURSELF!!! AND IF YOU WANT DEFINITELY PLS LET ME KNOW HOW YOUR OUTING WITH YOUR COWORKERS WENT NEXT TIME!!! let me rq drop my skater boy and purple heart boy lore AND THEN I'LL BE DONE!!

okay SKATER BOY so sophomore year he was in a tech class with me and actually the year before i had had a class with him but we never talked but i thought he was kind of good looking (BROTHER EUGHHHHH I'M SORRY I REGRET ALL MY CHOICES AND THE FACT THAT I HAVE TO SAY THAT BC I DO NOT KNOW WHAT WAS GOING THRU MY HEAD AT THAT TIME) but ANYWAY the short and long of it is i left school for a month during that year for mental health reasons but he was like worried about me!! so we kept in contact and when i came back to school he stuck close to like make sure i was doing good!! and i was still in a bad place and making bad decisions!! like i think one time i walked with him to his house without telling anyone (bc i was mad at the world LMAO) and that was just the worst night of my life like we didn't do anything yk LMAO 😭 but OKAY NVM UGH I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT SORRY MAYBE IN DMS IF YOU'RE CURIOUS I'LL TELL YOU BUT ANYWAY LIKE BAD MEMORIES BAD TIME FOR ME and he was a skater boy!! and a crazy man who did drugs and then when we were getting close he was like "i've stopped doing drugs for you!!" and then like right before winter break started ghosting me and started doing drugs again so then i was like "okay ig you don't like me so i'm dipping!!" (sorry we're all over the place rn but bacially so like before winter break yk we're all close and cutesy and everyone was like "OH HE DEF LIKES YOU" but then he ghosted me so...) AND ANYWAY so second semester rolls around we're back from winter break we're not talking BUT HE'S IN MY TECH CLASS AGAIN 🙄🙄 but i was one of those kids that got adopted by like all the seniors and so within that tech class we usually make like construction groups yk and so i wasn't in his group BC I WANTED TO STAY FAR FROM HIM AND I WAS WITH MY BESTIES INSTEAD!! (best tech group of my life i tell u mango anon. the only thing that could've beat them would've been working with u <3) BUT ANYWAY so one day he like randomly started talking to me again or would purposely say hi to me so i'd say hi whtvr back or something BC I NO LONGER CARE and then i think he texts me an apology for how he acted and wanted to know if we could be friends again and i think i was still in a bad place so i was suddenly like "allow me to put on my rose tinted glasses so i can block out the red flags bae let's do this" BUT NOT REALLY (sorry i don't remember my thoughts back then anymore) BUT ALL I KNOW (i think i said yes bc i felt bad? or was like "yeah we can be FRIENDS again but that's all) OKAY ALL I REMEMBER IS THEN ONE DAY HE TEXTS ME AND HERE'S THE BREAKDOWN

skater boy: i like you

me (unsure of what to freaking do so i decide to take the let's be a stupid and oblivious y/n route!!): i like you too!

(which i mean as "i like you as a friend"

skater boy: oh thank god i've been so scared to tell you

me: oh

I LITERALLY SAID OH. I SAID OH MANGO ANON BC I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO SAY AND HE DIDN'T GET THE HINT. HE KEPT YAPPING ABOUT HOW HE DITCHED ME DURING WINTER BREAK BC HE LIKED ME BACK THEN BUT DIDN'T WANT TO SAY ANYTHING (WHICH ALL MY FRIENDS SAID SOUNDED LIKE BS BC WHY WOULD YOU STOP TALKING TO SOMEONE YOU LIKE AND WAIT MONTHS TO TALK TO THEM AGAIN BUT WHATEVER) so like nothing happened from there LMAO we never talked about it again he left me a bag with fake flowers and rings from florida on my doorstep during the summer (very weird and made me uncomfortable. i had no idea what to say) and i had a friend tell me to "✨ take a chance at love ✨" BUT LIKE THAT WAS NOT LOVE BRO THAT WAS TOXICITY AT ITS FINEST AND SO ANYWAY THE REASON I AM TELLING YOU ALL THIS BESIDES BC IT'S FUN DRAMA AND I LOVE TELLING YOU EVERYTHING IS IT'S ALSO A GIANT REASON WHY I WILL NEVER WRITE SUNA AS A SKATER BOY OR ANYTHING HAVING TO DO WITH DRUGS (and mainly why i don't write about drugs anyway bc THAT MAN TRAUMATIZED ME OMG) bc it will always remind me of skater boy™ 😭😭😭😭

OKAY PURPLE HEART MAN!! JUST A SILLY THEATRE STORY I THOUGHT OF WHILE DOING LAUNDRY YESTERDAY AND I WANTED TO TELL YOU LMAO but anyway so i think this was actually also my sophomore year how silly!!!!! that was such a wild year for everyone ig but ANYWAY so my theatre was doing this one play and it was like a farce and a fixed set and only like six actors but anyway OUR MAIN LEAD WAS JUST LIKE BEING HEXED OR SOMETHING so man literally got a concussion bc there was this one bit where he dove into the audience and had to be carried off by a stretcher by techies as a bit but one night at rehearsal one of the techies tripped over a rock so he fell and bonked his head (WHICH ALSO RANDOMLY REMINDS YOU ALSO DURING THIS SHOW WE LITERALLY HAD A TOXIC FREON LEAK IN THE BOY'S DRESSING ROOM AND SOMEONE WENT MOMENTARILY BLIND) AND he like twisted his ankle i think!! another time he dove off the stage?? and then another actor accidentally stomped on his toe and that got injured too LMAO SO HE WAS REALLY GOING THROUGH IT AND ALMOST DIDN'T MAKE IT TO THE LAST SHOW BC HE WAS IN SUCH BAD CONDITION (if i remember correctly on like our second show day immediately after the show he went to the er??? and also when we were striking the set and tearing down posters one of them tore in a way that like yk some of the paper was left on the wall and it LITERALLY SPELLED OUT 'DIE' IDK WHY THIS SHOW WAS SO CURSED) and so at the end of the play he was awarded a purple heart as a joke bc that's what they give people who serve in the army yk 😭😭 if they were injured during their service

SORRY THAT'S ALL AND SORRY FOR THE LONG YAP!!! I HOPE THIS MAKES YOU LAUGH A LITTLE BIT THOUGH AND THAT YOU ARE DOING WELL!! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH MANGO ANON!! TELL ME ABOUT YOUR DAY AND YOUR OUTING WITH YOUR COWORKERS AND WHAT YOU ATE AND MAKE SURE TO EAT AND DRINK ENOUGH WATER I LOVE YOU SM!!! <33

[tangiblejournal56]

8/12/11

Thom & Racha departed yesterday morning, worn out & sunburnt.  After almost a week of constant activity & a full house, our apartment is dark, quiet, & solitary to Jacob & I.  It was my first day off in awhile where I wasn’t experiencing a magnitude of pain, & so my only desire was to do absolutely nothing, to go nowhere & move as little as possible.  My mind was at first as lethargic as my body, but it soon would not shut off, glowing bright & flashing like neon bar lights.  Too many thoughts, too many feelings, all coursing through me, & I was trying to put the events of the past week into some discernible order so that the pieces might make some kind of sense.  Instead, they all kept flying through my mind at random, leaving me bewildered as before.

Racha & I, thick as thieves, walking down the street a distance behind the boys so we could gossip in private.  I told her my game of secretly watching Jacob when he is unaware, how attractive I find him to be simply doing whatever task he is immersed in.  Thom & I, sneaking off at 9:30 with Josh to breakfast at Kerby Lane, without Jacob because Thom didn’t want Jacob to know he’s no longer vegan (as if Jacob would be surprised).  Jacob climbing into my bed & curling around me & I was happy.  I was very happy to be in his arms, & I was forgetting why that was a bad thing.  Why I’m not supposed to like that as much as I do.  I was upset at having to get up for work that morning, I’d wanted to stay with my head on his chest, his beard tickling my forehead.  Then Wednesday night, as Josh & Racha slept in my bed, Thom in the living room.  Jacob offered me his bed.  We didn’t touch, though I would’ve liked to.  “Last night was…” I started, lost for the right word.  “Yeah, it was…” he repeated, trailing.  “Strange,” I said finally, & he agreed.  “We thought you might enjoy it,” I said lamely, unable to say what I really wanted, which would’ve been hard to translate from the jumbled mess in my head to a clear, sane statement.  So we slept.

Thom & Racha left soon after we woke, & Jacob asked me to walk to the gas station with him.  I was quiet & contemplative all day long, lost in my head & unable to concentrate.  Every once in awhile he’d look at me, “You okay?” & I’d smile, “Fine.”

At the end of the night we started a round of dice, & I must’ve looked pretty bad off because he became more persistent in asking me if I was okay, concern written all over his unlikely green eyes, boring right into my own blue eyes.  I told him I was fine, that my mind goes all wonky sometimes, & asked if he ever had that, where his mind won’t shut off?  “Maybe I’d know what you were talking about if you told me what you were thinking about?” he suggested.

Tell him?  Spell out for him how confused I am, how I could be in love with Max, constantly thinking of Max, & yet develop these feelings for Jacob I’m not supposed to have, how I’m pretty much unbearably attracted to him, how I just want to sit & watch him for the thrill of it.  How it actually pleased me, yes, that bad place in me, that when Racha sat astride him he seemed uncomfortable, how more & more I am bothered by the image of them kissing in my mind, how I hoped Jacob’s attraction to her ceased the moment she cheated on her boyfriend with him.  How awful I am for that.  How happy it made me that when she left the room he became animated, vocal, he emitted pleasure from only me.  How it saddened me that he is like Max in that he doesn’t care for physical contact after sex, how it bothers me that I miss that in Ryan.  How, after all of this time, it hurts still not to have Ryan, & it hurts that something exists in the world tying him to myself for all of time.  How I miss Max with an intensity that scares me, that causes me to start crying at bus stops, how I need to be around him like breathing, how he keeps me going, makes me forget all of this other bullshit.  Does Jacob like me?  Could he?  Do I really like him now or is it the sex haze, now that we’ve had good sex finally?  Am I really just finally losing it, unable to mask the crazy anymore, or is everyone like this at some point in their lives?  Will it ever cease, or am I doomed always to jump headfirst into catastrophe?

Tell him all of that?  Uh.  No.  No, thank you.  Worst thing is, I wanted to.  I wanted to be able to spill out everything in me that troubled me.  He looked worried, genuinely wanting to help me.  I told him I was sorry, that I wasn’t trying to play games or get attention from him, & he said he knew that.  I believed him.  I almost said something to him, but Josh came in & whatever might’ve slipped out was slammed shut behind the doors of my mind.  He knew something was wrong.  That’s all.

Josh leaves in the morning for Iowa, flying out for Sammie’s birthday.  Leaving Jacob & I entirely alone for a few days.  Watch my imagination roam.  What I want, nights of Jacob & I together in my bed, not being alone.  He was interested by my telling him I’d never been on a real, out-on-the-town first date, dinner & movies kind of thing, that it had always been just hanging out at someone’s house.  If there even was a date.  We had been laughing at my bothersome work hat & the idiotic button on the side declaring I’d passed my register training.  How much I hate it.  I smiled sadly, said “Yep, that’s my worth in the world.  I can pass a register training test & I’m the girl you take to Cici’s on your first date.”  Referring to where the Caveman had wanted to take me, the McDonald’s of pizza buffets.  I’d thought him joking when he said that’s where he’d take me on our first date, then I’d wanted to cry when I realized he was serious, & followed it with telling me he wanted to get high beforehand.  I thought, that is what I’m worth?  The realization stung.  Jacob refuted this, “Oh come on, that’s not your worth!” he protested.  I shrugged.  Apparently this was my lot.  And I wanted to cry.  Am I doomed forever to never be the girl men want to commit romantic, dulcet acts for, just for the pleasure of seeing me smile?  I don’t want Ryan to be my only adult relationship in which I was treated like a real woman, it makes me miss him & that I don’t want.  No one else can see this?  Or cares enough to do it, I guess.

Like an Al Green song on repeat, I am so tired of being alone.  I really am.  Not physically, sex is increasingly becoming something I care less & less about.  Physically, emotionally, I want someone to be there with me, someone to hold my damn hand when we walk down the street, someone to lean my head against in the night.  A boy to share the true world with me.  Someone to tell me I’m not going crazy when I most feel I am.

I wish I could go up to Jacob & ask him to pretend, just for one day, that I was loved & cherished by him, to do this so I can remember again what it is like to mean something to someone, to be a part of something, not just this singular shape hurtling around with no armor, no end.  I don’t want to be alone in my night anymore.  It’s too much.  I am tired & weak & cannot keep my head above the water.  I don’t even want to.  It all seems pointless.  I’m in the dark cave, searching for a light that went out a long time ago.

And among all this longing & coveting of thy roommate, I am awash with guilt toward Max.  I know I am not his, or at least, that I am not his girlfriend, & yet I feel it is a betrayal whenever I am with anyone other than him.  I know that if I were his I could be entirely faithful, no one else would even catch my eye.  I wish I could do that now, but some inner stubbornness won’t allow me to ignore opportunities that present themselves, when he purports again & again to not feel romantically for me.  Self-preservation, I guess, but even that sounds like exaggeration.  Most of the time it feels good to garner that attention, to be made to feel pretty for a little while.

This great gaping hole at the center of me, that dead spot Max & I talked about.  How it grows.  I call him just to hear his voice, to curb my loneliness for a few moments, knowing the conversation will be short.  My growing fear that he no longer needs me, that he is becoming totally independent of me, that he will no longer need me to talk to, to show his work to, to gain confidence & strength from.  What do I do then, if the only person who needs me no longer has a use for me?  I have no purpose to serve of my own, & I don’t know how to just exist on my own.  I feel lost, I want to cry.  I don’t know how to deal with these feelings.

How to admit to myself that I sometimes am the girl who confuses sex with feelings.  Not with Max, I would love him & find ways to pretend he wants me even if our relationship were platonic.  And Jacob, I longed for him for what, four years now?  Since the day I met him, his moptop of curls he’d had then, that casual way he’s always physically comfortable with an arm around me, how upon meeting we laid across Thom’s bed together, his arm behind my head thoughtfully, how I’d felt he was attracted to me even then, before he knew I was with Ryan.  My curiosity, had I not been with Ryan then if something would have transpired.  So many months of emo turmoil while he was with Brooke, wanting him, wanting him to want me.  So often he seemed like the only one who saw me, really saw me, was interested in me as a person.  He has a way of making you feel good bout yourself, how he gets excited to hear what you have to say.  The only sign you’ll get if he doesn’t like you is a certain indifference, a distance.  He won’t care what you have to say, he will be distracted & looking for something to catch his eye.  I’ve never been on the receiving end of this, but I’ve witnessed it happen to others, including Brooke.

Sometimes it does feel like I can see him unraveling parts of me like a ball of twine, pulling here & there to discover who I am.  I can read his pleasure when he discovers something he likes about me, something he hadn’t known & endears me to him.  It’s in those moments that I wonder if there’s enough of those happy surprises to create something tangible from.  Though I know, right now Jacob just wants to meet girls, nothing serious, & I am not his physical type, not very skinny & pretty (I cling to the times when he says different, like that first time we slept together, “What, I mean, you’re attractive!” or when he insisted I wear my white skirt because of how good I looked in it), nor am I vegan, or willing to become.  But I do surprise him occasionally, & I know our friendship makes him happy.  Those cards I make him, he tells me how much they mean to him.  Always willing to play board games, to adhere to silly plans.  I wonder what he will do on my birthday, he’s never once celebrated mine, the same as Thom & Eric.  That always stung a bit, how Racha & I would always do something to make their birthdays special, & though they would do something for her, my birthday would drift past with no acknowledgment further than “Happy birthday Jamie!”  If even that.  It’s trite, & childish, but honest.  A feeling of being less loved.  Like when I spent all night helping Thom & Eric make their Boy Meets World merchandise & yet on the album inserts, they thank everyone but me.  Not pointedly, it was as though they simply forgot me.  Like I was air.  I was never important to them.  To Thom now maybe, because I am always there for him, but he’ll never forgive my years-long crush on Jacob & not on him.  Not really due to any feelings he may have for me, but because, like Shawn, he does not like for anyone else to be more important or desired than himself.  I knew I was never an important friend to Eric, but it did bother me that neither Thom nor Jacob would ever care enough to make my birthday memorable as they do for each other & Racha.  The outsider feeling.  I worry he will disregard this birthday as well, cementing my loneliness.  He did more for Josh’s birthday, his first one since they became friends, than in the four I’ve had since we met.  Childishly, that hurts.  So many stupid things anymore.  I feel constantly on the edge of crying.  I am tense & jumpy & irritable, & I hate those feelings.  I can’t trust myself these days.

I don’t want to be so alone anymore.

[ciellebys]

hello. i am a dedicated hanner. as such, here are my reactions to every husband!han point 😇🙏 thank you so much for this ate keisy ily <3 to the others, pls take this with a grain of salt and look away 👉👈

first of all, CHOKING HAZARD???? but second of all, thats ☺️ so ☺️ cute ☺️ i ☺️ might ☺️ bash ☺️ my ☺️ head ☺️ into ☺️ a ☺️ wall ☺️

i would actually bawl my eyes out if my husband made me a whole song for our wedding day so liKE JISUNG BABE PLEASE GIVE ME A CHAN-

stop ,,, im a bit bossy when im tired so that would be lowkey my dream but oh 💔 someone doing stuff for me bcs they want to is so endearing 💔 hannie ilysm 💔

CUDDLES !!! HOME BUDDY !!! my brain is WIRED to like that stuff. in conclusion, jisung should marry m-

PLEASE HE WOULD BE SO SMUG ABT IT TOWARDS THE MEMBERS I FEEL LIKE... go on and brag about me bb im urs 😚💓 lets be clout chasers together jk

me and him could have a karaoke battle on a random wednesday morning (afternoon maybe .... idk if we're willingly awake so early oof) and i'd be the happiest person on earth. therefore, i would be a great wife to ji-

ngl i lowkey feel like hyunjin could be a parasite in our house (endearingly) 🧍‍♀️ like in a way i could see him being at the living room at the most random hours just being like hey glad ur here. anw i ate ur leftovers btw (i would let him tbf)

I AM SO SCARED TO FIGHT WITH JISUNG TBH. it would be so heated but then become cold af right after ... then we end up crying together bye

dw baby i'll let myself lose if its u 🥰 so lets actually get marri-

DAWNT PLS.... CRYING JISUNG IS MY WEAKNESS LIKE I WOULD FOLD RIGHT AWAY 😓😓😓😓

what i would give to experience this. just cuddling in comfortable silence. with jisung. oh my head 😵‍💫

OK BABE THATS 2/3 OF MY LOVE LANGUAGES THIS CAN WORK OUTTTTT

"be bbama's mother" he said. "i wont get jealous of our child" he said.

i would do that. i would totally do that. that sounds like something i would actually do. jisung i will get down on one kne-

CHEESECAKE WARRIORS RISE !!! 💯💯

he triggers my cuteness aggression so bad whenever i see him eat i just want to take care of him and actually LEARN how not to be a menace in the kitchen just so i can feed him and watch him eat and fawn over him and compliment him and admire him and see him happy and see him full-

he has oversized clothing too... king thats OUR wardrobe now 😎

I LOVE. I LOVE LOVE LOVE. HIS DEEP VOICE SO MUCH. IT SCRATCHES SOMETHING DEEP INSIDE MY BRAIN THAT JUST MAKES ME HAPPY WHENEVER I HEAR IT. I GO FERAL OVER DEEP VOICE JISUNG.

with that face? oh babe i would find ways to kiss u all the time u dont even know my confused quokka. fuck pls marry m-

nooooooo 💔💔💔💔 napping with jisung 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔 im in shambles that i cant do it irl im gonna pop a nerve

HING. IM GONNA SOB. YES PLS PLS PLS I WANT IT SO BAD HNGGGHHHH 🥹🥹🥹

i feel like i would spoil him a lot too 😓 i like giving gifts... let's just spoil each other jisung

IF ITS U???? LETS HAVE A SOCCER TEAM IF U WANT BAE !!! but my thoughtful king 😿💗 oh ilysm

tbh jisung's vows to me feels like they would be so poetic yknow??? im actually getting jealous of who he ends up w irl cz wow if i dont get that hozier vow level treatment im gonna commit a katy perry hot and cold mv.

ok bae, thats supposed to be MY lines 🤨🫵

this is so perfect. imma sob myself to sleep. thank you ate keisy.

husband!han

✰ notes: posting this a day early since i’ll be out of town please enjoy <33 not proofread. REBLOGGING, COMMENTS AND LEAVING TAGS are highly appreciated! thank you <33

chan | lee know | changbin | hyunjin（ han ）felix | seungmin | jeongin

ꔛ

Husband Han who asked the baker and chef to put the ring inside the cake. You thought it was kind of old school and yet you cried when you saw the ring. He went down on one knee in front of the crowd as the waiter/waitresses came for assistance. “Will you be the mother of Bbama?” “Yes!” 

Husband Han who wrote a song that he’d use on the day of his wedding proposal. The lyrics consist of words about his feelings, how deep his love is for you, how thankful he is, and how you are his favorite person apart from his Minho hyung. He went on the small stage of the restaurant and grabbed a small piece of paper so he wouldn’t forget what he had written. 

Husband Han whom you can order around. He complains but still does whatever you ask for. Sometimes he just obeys quietly or if he’s in the mood, he looks like a kid who’s happy to help his parents with that adorable and proud smile plastered on his face.

Husband Han who loves to stay home and watch your favorite movies then proceeds to cuddle you all day. He also buys things that will serve good for your convenience and cause less effort. He is a home buddy for a reason. 

Husband Han who is happy as a clam when you visit him while he’s at work especially when you bring him and his members with a ton of food.

Husband Han who is a loud introvert and hits high notes effortlessly on a random Wednesday morning. 

Husband Han who overreacts, and screams at any small inconvenience when he gets a chance. Hyunjin would be the one to cover his mouth because his ears suffer the most. 

Husband Han who has a lot of feelings and takes everything to heart (playfully) during a nonsense argument and will say some things nonstop until both of you just laugh them off. Yet also the type to be calm and straightforward that would pierce your heart if it’s serious especially when he does have a point. 

Husband Han who sometimes doesn’t listen to you and is stubborn. 

Husband Han who apologizes hours later after thoroughly thinking of what he did or said wrong during the fight. He would hug you tightly when he sees you crying and say “I love you” instead of  “I’m sorry.”

Husband Han who listens attentively to your worries and gives you useful advice. If he feels like you don’t want to hear anything and just sit there in silence, he will hold your hand or bring you into his arms while kissing the crown of your head. 

Husband Han whose love languages are physical touch, quality time, and words of affirmation (through the songs he wrote). 

Husband Han who gets jealous when you pay too much attention to BBama instead of him. He would sulk at the corner and refuse to talk unless you baby him until he decides to forgive you. 

Husband Han who gets sentimental when sad so you let him lay on you and bury his face on your neck while you hum his favorite tune or just play with his hair while whispering some things that he needs to hear. He loves it when you do that. 

Husband Han who loves cheesecakes especially when you’re the one who made them. He’d devour them immediately with some iced coffee he got from Seungmin.

Husband Han who gets round when he eats something or just mainly his cheeks are the cutest that you want to kiss, pinch, or suddenly goes nom nom nom. 

Husband Han who doesn’t mind you wearing his clothes. He loves them on you. 

Husband Han whose voice you want to listen to all night after a long day because it’s soothing to hear and brings you comfort, especially when he is talking softly and in a gentle manner. 

Husband Han who gets undeniably shy when you kiss him, especially when you’re in public. He is all giddy and a blushing mess, expect to make out with him when you get home.

Husband Han who can sleep everywhere that you get jealous but he would ask you first if you want to cuddle until you fall asleep in whatever comfortable place you’re at. 

Husband Han who texts or calls you before going home from work just to ask how your day went and if you want him to buy something. Sometimes you do it the other way around. It’s a must in this marriage. 

Husband Han who spoils you a lot. 

Husband Han who respects whatever decision you make, especially when it comes to the thought of having kids. Just like anyone else, he doesn’t pressure you and wait until you’re the first one to initiate the topic. 

Husband Han who promised to love you and never leave until death do you part.

Husband Han who thinks that having you in his life is the greatest gift he could ever have and the best thing that ever happened. 

Husband Han whom you love, protect, and spend the rest of your life with along with Bbama. 

✰ taglist: @notastraykid , @ameliesaysshoo , @l3visbby , @reignessance , @lix-ables , @skzfelixlove , @rachabreathing , @hyunverse , @minluvly , @sleepyleeji , @starseungs , @midsoulz , @oddracha , @armystay89 , @lashaemorow

©️ 𝐒𝐓𝐀𝐑𝐋𝐎𝐒𝐓𝐒𝐄𝐔𝐍𝐆𝐌𝐈𝐍 , 𝟐𝟎𝟐𝟒.

[bitsandbobsandstuff]

The Midnight Coconuts

Summary: Bucky and his girl take a trip to the grocery store. Several things are involved, including coconuts, a 25cent gum-ball machine, Avengers branded Jell-O, chocolate milk straight from the jug, and tampons.  Characters: Bucky x Reader Words: 3k Warnings: Some swearing. Insane levels of fluff. Dangerously adorable Bucky. One (1) random reference to Not Another Teen Movie. 

A/N: Listen, I will never be over silly domestic Bucky! I originally started this story before TFATWS came out and when I imagined Sam had a niece, so just go with it. Part of me wrote this, because I needed to convince myself that I love grocery shopping (one can only eat takeaway and Trader Joe’s Orange Chicken for so long) and the other part wrote this because I firmly believe domestic routines can be the most romantic adventures out there.

When the doors to the grocery store whoosh open with a gust of stale manufactured air, Bucky skids to an abrupt and dramatic stop.  

“WAIT!”

Behind him, you stumble in panic, fumbling with an armful of reusable grocery bags. Instantly you’re imagining spilled blood and stab wounds and clean ups on aisle three and god dammit, how can there be a problem? This is a grocery store at midnight on a Wednesday. Shouldn’t the forces of evil be sleeping? Why is it so impossible to get a day off work? Don’t they know you need rest? And peanut butter? And that you’re dangerously low on toilet paper?

The forces of evil are the worst.

Raising weary fists, you huff.

“What? Where is it?”

Bucky sidesteps toward a row of small red and green machines beside the entrance, falling to his knees and smushing his nose eagerly against the glass. Reaching a hand behind him, there are several impatient grabby motions, before he glances back.

“Babe, can you give me a quarter? I need a gum-ball.”

Planting a sneaker clad foot on his ass, you shove. Hard.  

“Bucky, we talked about this. Remember how you agreed to lower the drama and keep things in perspective? I thought we were under attack.”

“If I don’t get a green gum-ball,” he declares dramatically, “there will be an attack.”

Throwing the cloth bags at his face, you stomp off to retrieve a shopping cart, plunking your purse in the front and hunching over the handlebars.  

“I thought you said you were a millionaire now. Buy your own gum-ball.”

Bucky rolls his eyes.

“Like I carry loose change,” he scoffs. “C’mon, just one quarter. Please?”

This time, he gives you the Look. That patented Bucky Barnes stare, with the wide eyes and full pouty lips and faux innocent expression, and if this man wasn’t the love of your life you’d quite happily stab him in the heart.

Instead, you open your purse and fish out a quarter, flinging it at his frustratingly pretty face. It bounces off his forehead and he scoops it up with a grin.

“So just to clarify. You came to the grocery store covered in knives, but you forgot to bring money?”

Giving you an indulgent smile, he jams the quarter into the slot. With a twist and shake, a gum-ball rattles free, and Bucky crows with delight when he sees the green candy. He pops it in his mouth. 

“I didn’t forget. I made a conscious decision to remove the temptation. If I bring cash, I’ll spend it. You know I ain’t great with that whole self control thing.”

“How encouraging to hear, from the man with knives pouring out his ass.”  

Jumping to his feet, he throws an arm around your shoulders. 

“Ass knives sound painful.”

“Depends on how sharp they are,” you mumble, pulling a carefully folded sheet of paper from your jacket.

“Excuse you? My knives are always perfectly sharpened, thank you very much. What kind of expert assassin runs around with dull knives? Damn baby, it’s like you don’t even know me.”

Ignoring him, you flatten out the paper and smooth the edges, sighing happily at the block letters and structured diagrams drawn in deep blue ink. 

Here it is, your masterpiece. A monument to productivity. The gold standard by which all optimization models should be benchmarked. This isn’t just any list, this is The List.

Everything is grouped, first by aisle, then by product location within the aisle, and then from top to bottom shelf order, to maximize efficiency. This is the dream list. The kind that inspires jealousy. The kind people hold up at TED talks when they talk about time management techniques. Marie Kondo wishes she had this list. 

Bucky snorts when he sees the carefully printed boxes.  

“God, you’re such a square,” he says adoringly. He plants a sugary wet kiss on your temple and you grind an elbow into his ribs.

“We discussed this, Bucky. Don’t mock my lists.” 

“Sorry babe, I ain’t mocking. Your lists are beautiful, they always get me all hot and bothered,” he agrees, dipping lower to lick behind your ear. “And I really love that list you keep with all those dirty, filthy, sex things you wanna do to me.”

“I don’t have a list like that.”

“Yeah, I know,” Bucky sighs, “and I don’t know how many more hints I can drop here.”

Reaching under his shirt, you rub his belly consolingly. “Okay then. This weekend I’ll sit down and make you a special list. One so disgusting and dirty and depraved, it would make Wade Wilson cry.”

Bucky laughs and squeezes you tighter. 

“About damn time honey. I’m equally parts terrified and horny. So where’re we headed first?”

“Produce,” you answer promptly, plowing forward, Bucky still chuckling beside you.

The whole scenario was ironic, actually. There was no need to grocery shop - automatic ordering mechanisms  across the Avengers tower rendered the task meaningless - but sometimes it was a welcome relief to partake in such an ordinary thing. Unable to sleep after one particularly terrible mission, you found yourself wandering the aisles of your 24-hour supermarket, dressed in pineapple adorned pajama pants and one of Bucky’s rattier sweatshirts, searching for ice cream. The unexpected symmetry of products arranged along the shelves, the rainbow hued produce, the hint of baking bread wafting from the ovens, all those everyday trappings of normality, they washed over like a soothing balm. Soon enough, the boiling bad thoughts simmered to nothing more than a cache of blurry memories.

When you got home, sleep came fast, deep and dreamless.

One month later, the idea struck again.

After 36 hours of Bucky tossing and turning, dark shadows bruising beneath weary blue eyes, you took his hand and led him down the dark street for a midnight adventure. He was skeptical, disbelieving that something so simple could chase away the insomnia. But he dutifully followed you, strolling aimlessly through the aisles, throwing odds and ends into the cart. 

The tension gradually eased, he began to relax, and suddenly? 

He was hooked.

An hour later, after arguing the health benefits of frosted Cheerios over oatmeal, poking each hunk of cheese in the display, and loading the cart with every single flavor of spaghetti sauce on the shelf, the heavy weight of remembering began to ease. When he collapsed into bed, he slept for eight hours straight.

I don’t know what that was, he swore the next morning, munching through his third bowl of frosted Cheerios, but it was magic.

And with that, a midnight ritual was born. Sometimes you make the trek alone, sometimes Bucky does the same, but whenever life permits you go together. This small slice of domesticity brings a warm comfort to this strange life.   

There is no doubt, this is your favorite area of the entire store.

Barrels filled with tart oranges and smooth red apples. Tables piled high with bananas, some just shy of yellow, others sunshine perfect, and a few with speckles of black (which are the best). Shelves lining the walls, overflowing with bundles of herbs and lettuce, all coated in a fine layer of mist. 

Bliss. 

Heading straight for the apples, you plunge into the Gala pile, rummaging until you come up with ten perfect ones. Peaches follow, fingers rubbing along the delicate pinky-orange fuzz. Squeeze, smell, squeeze, smell. Five are chosen for a pie (Sam pleaded shamelessly until you agreed to make him one), and in the cart they go. Heading toward the wall of herbs, you’re reaching for the basil when a metallic bang makes you jump. Spinning around, you find Bucky lobbing coconuts into the cart.

“We need these.”

“We really don’t, Buck. I hate coconut, it tastes like suntan lotion.”

“They’re not for eating,” he grabs an apple, wipes it on his shirt, and takes a juicy bite. “They’re for security.”

Sticky juice drips from his lip, catching in his beard. When you reach over to swipe it away, he nips your finger with a grin.

“Explain please.”

“See it’s like this. We’re just here shopping, doin’ our thang -”

“Don’t say thang.”

“- when someone attacks. What happens? BAM. One of these furry beauties breaks their face. Problem solved.”

Giving him a slow perusal, you raise an eyebrow.

“Were the 47 knives you’re carrying not enough to deflect this attack?”

Finishing off the apple in three sloppy bites, he carefully tucks the price sticker in his pocket so he can scan it before leaving and sets the mangled core beside your purse.

“Babe, these are my back-up plan. A good soldier always has a back-up plan.”

While you grab a bottle of extra-pulpy orange juice, Bucky picks two jugs of chocolate milk, snaps one open and takes a swing. Ever the thrifty shopper, he pulls a familiar bag from his back pocket, fishes out a crumpled piece of newspaper, and dangles it before you.

“Found a coupon for this,” he says gleefully. “Buy one, get one free. It’s called a BOGO. A BOGO. Hilarious, right? Fuck me, I love the future.”

Still laughing, he takes another long drink of chocolate milk and smacks his lips.

It was a lazy Sunday morning when you discovered this particular habit. Walking into the living room, you found Bucky buried in a sea of Sunday newspaper, tongue between his teeth and scissors in hand while he clipped coupons. He wasn’t picky, if it was remotely interesting, it went into the YES pile. It was one of those random things that brought him inordinate levels of joy, so of course you encouraged it. On his last birthday, you gifted him with a green zippered bag decorated with angry looking owls and official looking letters stitched across the front:

Bucky’s Coupon Bag  Thriftn’ Machine Since 1917

He laughed for five straight minutes and then stuffed it full. The bag accompanies you on every trip and the sight of Bucky excitedly rifling through his wad of coupons still makes your heart swell.  

Setting aside his BOGO, Bucky continues down the aisle, leaving you to pause in front of the yogurt. While you contemplate the merits of blackberry vs strawberry, Bucky slides over holding three cans of Reddi-Whip. 

“Are you actually planning to eat that? I thought you said whipped air is for, and I quote, ‘spineless, tasteless trash heathens’?”

Bucky shakes the can of spray whipped cream and wiggles his eyebrows, leveling you with a sultry stare. 

“Hell no I’m not eating it. This is for the bedroom. Last week I watched this god-awful movie where some blond guy - who looked exactly like Steve, by the way - made himself a whipped cream bikini for his girl. Decided I’m gonna do that for you. You’re welcome.”

“That sounds gross and unsanitary.” 

“If by gross and unsanitary you mean spicy and sexy, then yes. Yes it does.”

Whistling what sounds like the theme music from a bad porn, he adds two tubs of honey swirled Greek yogurt, pats your butt, and strolls ahead, throwing a roughish wink over his shoulder. Imagining the melted whipped cream soaking into your bedsheets, you mentally add more laundry detergent to the list.

“Hang on, turn here.”

Tugging the cart behind him, Bucky stalks toward the feminine hygiene display. It takes him a minute to scan the products before squatting down to the bottom shelf. Grabbing two jumbo boxes of tampons, oddly enough the brand you prefer, he pops back to his feet.  

“Dare I ask why you need these?”

A faint pink flush crawls up his neck.  

“Well, you know, two reasons. They’re really great for stopping bloody noses, you know? Just poke ‘em up there and they soak it all up.”

 He mimes the execution and adds a thumbs up.

“And the second reason?”

Squinting at his boots, he shuffles his feet a bit. The pink flush deepens. 

“Um, you know - I know you’re out, since I stuck the last one up Steve’s nose last week, and yeah. Anyway. It’s about that time. Of the month. For you.”

Clearing his throat, he reaches for his chocolate milk, but you grab his wrist.  

“You know when my period’s going to start?”

He shrugs self-consciously and fiddles with a loose thread on his shirt.  

“Well yeah. You think it’s just a coincidence when all your favorite candy shows up every month?” Looking up, he shoots you a crooked smile and leans over the cart to kiss your forehead. Grabbing a fistful of his shirt, you haul him in for a real kiss instead and his startled laughter tickles your lips. When you break away, those bright blue eyes are shining. 

“Thank you, Bucky,” you murmur.

“Anytime, sweetheart,” he whispers. 

This is the aisle where the cart officially explodes.

Lasagna noodles.

Egg noodles.

Spaghetti noodles.

Penne.

Linguine. 

Fettuccine.

Literally one of every noodle is selected, because Bucky Barnes is a self-proclaimed noodle slut. 

As you organize the boxes and search for orzo, you see him furtively add an extra bag of elbow macaroni. A quiet cough hides your laughter.

The last time Sam’s four-year-old niece came to the tower, she and Bucky spent hours making glittery elbow macaroni necklaces, which they ceremoniously gifted to everyone. When Sam casually mentioned her enthusiastically telling everyone at pre-school about her friend Bucky and how much fun she had visiting him, Bucky ran to a craft store and bulk bought supplies of glue, string, paint, and glitter, just in case she comes over again.

Months later and the entire team are still finding puddles of glitter all over the tower, but the delight on Bucky’s face anytime someone mentions that arts and crafts afternoon? 

It’s worth the mess.     

Gathering up brown sugar, instant oats, and chocolate chips, you turn to drop them in the cart when Bucky makes a strangled noise. Glancing over, you find him bouncing on his toes, vibrating with excitement.

“Babe. Babe. Are you making monster cookies?”

Adding a can of raisins, you search for the good vanilla. The kind that actually tastes like vanilla, not a cheap car wash air freshener. 

“I promised I would,” you remind him. Bucky plasters himself against your back, wrapping you in an enthusiastic hug and nuzzling his face against your neck.

“I love those fucking cookies,” he declares. “They’re my favorite thing ever. Next to you I mean.”

Finding the vanilla, you spin in his arms and return the squeeze.  

“I know you do. But you have to share them this time, okay? You can’t just eat them all yourself like the last two times. Agree?”

“Agree…to disagree. They’re wasted on other people, no one else loves as much. It’s for the best when I eat them all, it’s proof how much I love you. I’m doing it for you. I’m supporting you. Because I love you.”

“You’re completely full of shit,” you reply.

“I swear I’m not! Just listen!”

The excuses grow longer and wilder as Bucky outlines his rationale against sharing, walking backward and dragging the cart with him as he pleads his case. He’s diving into the science of super soldier metabolism levels and caloric requirements and the fact that his sister never shared anything with him, when he bumps into a tall display. 

He pulls up short, eyes narrowing. Plunking his fists on his hips, he growls a disgruntled sigh and glares at the rows of packaging. 

“You’ve gotta be shitting me.”

Lined up in neat rows, you see boxes of Jell-O organized by color and flavor. On the cover of each are an assortment of familiar images.  

“Are these Avengers themed Jell-O?” you ask, picking up a box with Sam’s image and the words Wild Berry Wilson. The rows extend further, filled with Lime Green Hulk and Blue Raspberry Rogers and Black Cherry Widow and Strawberry Lemon Stark. Exasperated, Bucky grabs the Sparkling Orange Spider flavor. 

“Is this for real? The kid gets one and I didn’t? Someone in PR is getting fired.”

“Well there’re only so many flavors, Buck,” you point out practically, but Bucky’s not in the mood for logic. Instead, he swipes an entire shelf of Jell-O flavors into the cart.  

“I swear to god, I have to do everything around here. Fine then. I’ll make my own flavor, Blackberry Kiwi Soldier or Winter Watermelon Rainbow, or something.” He pauses thoughtfully. “Anyway, I’ll work on the name. But I’m bringing it to dinner tomorrow night and everyone is gonna eat it.”

He dumps in a bag of mini-marshmallows and grabs sprinkles for topping, before marching down the aisle. Cringing at the volume of sugar in the cart, you make another mental note to schedule a dentist appointment.

“Go do your manly duty and find the meat. We need two 5lb rump roasts.”

“I like your rump roast,” he instantly responds and reaches over to smack your butt again. Anticipating the move, you catch his arm and twist it behind his back. He barks out a breathless laugh and you slap his ass in return.

“Your innuendos are tragic.”

Releasing him with a gentle shove, Bucky snatches up his three coconuts and ambles away, laughing while he juggles them. When he returns, he has the requested rump roasts, several packages of bacon, and a bundle of cocktail shrimp.

“If my innuendos get better, then can I touch your butt?”

“Maybe. But they better be real good.”

An added benefit to shopping at midnight? Not a soul in line.

Loading everything onto the conveyer belt, you automatically organize for bagging. Boxes together, produce together, meat together. Bucky adds a pack of batteries, a tin of mints, and some trashy magazines.

The last three items in the cart are his coconuts. They rattle around until you toss them at him, motioning back to the produce department. 

“We made it out alive. Go put them back.”

Still chomping his tasteless green gum-ball, he shakes his head and plops them down. 

“Nah, I have another idea for them. Got all those craft supplies at home, I’m gonna make you something.”

“Should I even ask?”

Bucky blows a huge, wet bubble and looks you up and down.

“Have you every worn one of those coconut bras? Like on TV, with the ladies in grass skirts? I’m gonna make you one. I already have string and glue. And glitter.”

“I think you may be overestimating your crafting abilities.” Digging out your credit card, you wait for the final tally. 

“Well, if it’s terrible then you’ll just be naked. Either way, I win.”

Shaking out your grocery sacks, he packs everything with Tetris-like efficiency and slides all of them up the vibranium arm.   

“How about I make you a deal. I’ll wear a coconut bra, if you’ll make yourself something to wear as well.”

Bucky blows another sugary bubble, pondering the idea.

“Like a coconut man thong?”

“Exactly like a coconut man thong.”

“Deal. Add it to that special dirty list you’re making me honey. We got loads to do.” 

Outside, the night air smells sweet and cool, the barest hint of a spring rain and fresh grass lingering on the breeze. Already, your eyes are feeling heavy, tonight’s quiet adventure ushering in that sought after peace. 

In your right hand, the three coconuts swing gently in their plastic sack. Humming under his breath, Bucky yawns, reaching for your other hand. His warm, calloused palm squeezes tight, his thumb stroking lightly over your skin.

He turns to you with a sleepy, lopsided smile.

Midnight and coconuts.  

It always does the trick.

***

[breesays]

I don’t know about you - but this is 2022

We moved. I studied Spanish. I got sober curious. I put color back in my hair (purple). I screamed IM NOT OKAY when I saw MCR @ The Forum and also when they did it for karaoke at my office end of year party. I did a lot of "hurry up" hikes in the morning - at Wildwood and Wisdom Tree. I kind of love that I can see Wisdom tree from my place. Sometimes on a cloudy day I show Desmond and say, "If mama was hiking right now, I'd hike right into a cloud!" Never underestimate your book club. Not only did my witches of echo park assemble like the gd avengers after I got asked for a divorce, I also have the promise of some new friendships in my 2nd book club. I really look forward to digging into a good book attached  the end of a day, and my favorite book of 2022 was Pet by Akwaeke Emezi. 

I spent a good chunk of time (while driving?) digging to identity but some of it made me angry and some of it made me sad so I refocused on meditation and philosophy a bit. I've felt ambivalent about my body - recognizing I've been a jerk to it for many years despite its strength, despite all it did for me. I am not in the best shape of my life but I've been working on getting my mind in fighting form as a priority. It actually has a heavier workload than my body. I'm also hyperaware that I'm a 24/7 role model. My attitude toward food, toward movement, toward myself is perpetually radiating outward onto Desmond's malleable mind.

I saw Paramore at the Belasco and just wanted to BE Hayley Williams. I screamed "Brick by Boring Brick" at the top of my lungs. I put in my ticket request for their 2023 tour. Remember when I saw them at the (now dead) Knitting Factory? And also at some random phone store? I also crowdsurfed out of one of their pits with like thousands of dollars of camera equipment in my backpack. Good times.

I realized Lorde may have quietly outranked so many other artists, personally. I interviewed her in 2013 and saw her live and loved her then, but I felt a few of her songs very deeply this year, and wish I would've seen her on tour. Fortunately, she's not a legacy artist (yet) and her touring future is bright.  

I think. It felt really good to be a part of a few group chats. Thank you to my bestie for inviting me. It's a small thing but it made me laugh a bunch and made me think and it felt so much better than throwing thoughts and questions into the abyss that has become Twitter and FB. Am I unintentionally promoting Mastodon here? IDK.

I haven't had any themed birthday parties in years, and I do miss it. The opportunity to dress up (even weirdly) the curation of the theme and its photobooth and party favors.... but most of all, the warranted request that all my favorite people gather in one place. In my 2022 state of mind, the level of connection I could have with each friend in a 4-hour window while probably drinking... with the COVID precautions, not entirely worth it. But  I would love to hike with you, talk books with you, get coffee with you, watch Wednesday with you, go to Emo Nite with you, make fancy popcorn with you, spill our guts, find our flow, laugh cry, write and talk about it, share a meal, throw some axes, share some space.

HMU

[pun-master-logan]

Building A Family

Summary: When Dot and Larry decided to become foster parents, they never imagined a year later they’d be caretakers to six, filling their house with angsty teens and rambunctious kids

***

“Dot! Larry!” Remus screamed off the top of his lungs.

The couple came rushing into the room.

“What’s the matter?” Dot asked, kneeling down to console the crying eight year old.

Remus sniffled. “Roman stole the toy I was playing with.”

Larry sighed. “Roman, come here, now.”

Roman trotted in, very clearly aware he was about to get in trouble.

“Remus wouldn’t share,” he said before any punishment could be dealt out.

“I was playing with it first!”

“You were only playing with it because you knew I wanted to.”

“Stop it, both of you,” Dot said, standing up. “There will be no fighting in this house.”

The twins quieted down.

“Now Roman, you can’t take a toy-“

“I didn’t take it,” Roman said. “Patton gave it to me.”

Dot and Larry shared a look.

“Patton,” Dot called. She looked back at Larry. “Can you take care of these two?”

“Yeah,” Larry said. “Come on boys, we have a lot to talk about.”

“This is your fault,” Remus muttered as they followed Larry out of the room.

Patton passed them as he walked in.

“Is something wrong?” He asked.

“Come sit with me,” Dot said as she sat down on the floor. “Look, Patton, you can’t go around parenting other kids.”

“I was just making sure they shared,” Patton said.

“I know things were hard at your last home-“

Patton stood up. “You said we never had to talk about that.”

“I’m sorry Patton,” Dot said.

Patton stared at his feet. “It’s okay.”

“If the other kids are having an issue, let them sort it out or tell Larry or me, you need to stop trying to solve it yourself.”

“I was just trying to help,” Patton said, his stare not moving.

“I know sweetie, but we don’t need you helping us parent, you’re eleven, we need you to be a kid.”

“I’m trying.”

“I know sweetie, I know,” Dot said. “If you want to help with something, you can help me up, I didn’t think this through.”

Patton took Dot’s hand and helped her up off the ground.

“WHAT ARE THOSE!” Larry yelled from the other room.

“I am not getting a break today.” Dot sighed and walked out of the room, Patton in tow. “Patton, go finish your homework.”

“It’s finished.”

“Go have fun then, let me take care of this.”

“Right, sorry,” Patton said, walking away.

Dot walked into the living room to see Larry standing in front of Janus, their newest foster kid. She walked up next to Larry to see Janus sporting some snake bite piercings he didn’t have when he went to school that morning.

“Oh my G-where did you get those?” Dot asked.

“My boyfriend did it for me, what’s the big deal?” Janus crossed his arms.

“Boyfriend?”

“The problem, young man, is that a random teenager put metal in your face,” Larry said.

Janus rolled his eyes.

“It looks nice though, doesn’t it Larry?” Dot said.

“It-I-wha-”

“Doesn’t it Larry?” Dot gave him a look.

“Yes?”

“I’m going to my room.” Janus walked past them and down the hall.

“Metal...in his face...he could...infections Dot,” Larry whispered.

“I know Larry, but he’s fifteen and going through more than he should have to, I’ll remind him to clean it properly and we’ll keep an eye on it, if it looks like there’s an infection, we’ll take him to a doctor,” Dot said.

“None of the others did anything like this.”

“They all tested us in their own way.”

Larry pinched the bridge of his nose. “You’re right.”

“You know what, let’s go out to dinner tonight,” Dot said. “It’ll be a bonding experience.”

“Are you sure, restaurants can be overwhelming for the twins,” Larry said.

“We’ll go to Dino’s, they have coloring pages to distract the twins and it’s a Wednesday, not a lot of people will be there.”

Larry grabbed his keys. “Alright.”

“Boys! Get your shoes on, we’re going to dinner!”

In a couple minutes, five kids made their way out the door and into the car.

“Larry,” Dot said.

“I’m taking care of it.”

Larry walked back into the house and into the room Janus and Virgil shared. Janus was on his bed staring at his phone.

“I’m not going,” he said, not looking up from his phone.

“Dinner isn’t optional,” Larry said.

“I’ll make myself something.”

“You’ll make yourself get into the car and enjoy a family dinner.”

Janus sat up. “You aren’t my family.”

“You want to be with your mom, I get it, I want you to be able to go back too, but until then, you’re stuck with us.”

Janus looked angry. He stared at Larry, but Larry didn’t budge.

“Fine.” Janus got up and followed Larry to the car.

“Alrighty then,” Dot said as they shut their doors. “Seatbelts everyone.”

The restaurant only had a few patrons. They were seated right away and Roman and Remus were given crayons and a coloring menu.

“Anything look good to you Janus?” Dot asked.

“Not particularly,” Janus said.

“Larry, why does Janus have piercings on his lips?” Patton asked.

“Mind your own business,” Janus said.

“I like it,” Remus said as he scribbled green across his menu. “Can I get my lip pierced.=?”

“Uh...” Dot and Larry shared a look. “How about we start with the ears and see how that goes sweetie.”

“Cool.”

“If Remus is getting his ears pierced, I want my ears pierced,” Roman said.

The waiter came over to the table. “Are you ready to order?”

Dot looked around the table. “Everyone?”

There were shrugs and nods of agreement.

The waiter took everyone’s order. It wasn’t long until before their food was brought out, Dino’s was always quick with service.

“How are your classes going Logan?” Dot asked.

“Excellent,” Logan said. “My AP astronomy teacher assigned us to choose a planet and write an essay about it.”

“That sounds like fun,” Dot said.

“Sounds lame,” Virgil said.

Dot glared at the seventeen year old.

“Which planet did you choose?” Larry asked.

“Haumea.” Logan took a bite of broccoli.

“That’s not a real planet,” Roman said. “You made that up.”

“It’s a dwarf planet, and it’s fascinating,” Logan said.

“It’s dumb,” Roman said.

“Space is cool, stupid,” Remus said.

“Remus, we don’t say stupid,” Dot said.

“How about you Virgil, how’s classes going?” Larry said. “Your last report card showed improvement.”

“School’s school.”

“Janus-”

“Pass.”

Dinner went by a bit awkwardly. When they got home, the kids all went straight to their rooms, not talking to Dot or Larry.

“That could’ve went better,” Larry said, sitting down on the couch.

“Yeah.” Dot joined him on the couch. “I don’t know what’s going on with Virgil.”

“He’s not going to tell us.”

“Never does.”

Larry rubbed his face. “I knew kids were going to be hard, but not this hard.”

“Remember what Dr. Picani said: be patient, this kids are hurting and we need to be here for them, but we can’t push them.”

Dot put her hand on Larry’s leg. Larry held her hand. They looked at each other, finding calm in one another.

“We got this Dot.”

That moment was one of those rare moments of peace they occasionally got. It was nice.

“Larry! Dot!”

***

I might write more for this if people like it, I have ideas, but no coherent story in mind

I take constructive criticism

[wendystales]

Memories - lrh (Chapter Eighteen)

Memories (also on Wattpad)

Chapter Seventeen ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ Chapter Nineteen

I remember the first time I really wanted to see New York. I must have been about 12 years old and was watching a random episode of Friends that was on TV. I saw those flashes of the city between one scene and another, and I thought it was amazing, the great stone jungle.

When I turned 16, my dad gifted me with a trip to New York, not because it was my favorite place in the world, but because it was on sale. There were 10 days where the only time I stopped to rest was bedtime. We went to almost every tourist spot, took thousands of photos and it was definitely one of the best trips I've ever been on.

Now, the city that I once wanted to know and live in, like the characters in Friends, felt like a prison. I wasn't there of my own free will or for a truly irrefutable proposal. I was there out of fear and passion, the most dangerous mixture.

I believe that at some point, a few months from now, I'm going to start loving New York, but right now, I can only feel contempt.

I pass through the arrivals gate, looking at those millions of unfamiliar faces, waiting for someone. I'm looking for a sign with my name or the logo of the Hastings Agency.

I find my name in the hands of a boy a little taller than me. Dark hair and fair skin, he needs sun. In an impeccable suit, but fumbling with his cell phone and notepad.

I approach slowly, able to hear his voice, replaying a million things. He said something about waiting for me to arrive and taking me to the hotel. Something about treating me kindly and not asking questions. I stop in front of him with a sympathetic smile, watching him widen his eyes and quickly turn off his cell phone.

“Miss McGonagall, welcome to New York.” he takes my hand, squeezing it and shaking it quickly. “I'm Edward. I will be responsible for your schedule.” I can't control the smile, noticing him nervousness. In other words, he was my Noah.

“Hi! Yeah, you can call me Marnie, that's fine. I prefer, actually.”

“Oh! Of course.” his cheeks turn pink. “Well, I'll drop you off at the hotel to rest and tomorrow at 8:00 am you should be at Valentino's studio for the rehearsal of the new bag collection. At 2:45 pm you should already be at Chanel's studio, they want to take your measurements and do some color and fabric tests for the fashion show at the end of the month. Then, at 5:00 pm, you will participate in the E! podcast, and I believe that after that you will be free for the rest of the day.” he passes it on to me as we head out of the airport.

“OK!” that's all I have to say.

“Sorry if I'm being nosy, but were you the one who required a lot of work for the next two months? I mean, you have a really busy schedule. If you don't want something, I can try to help.” he flips through the calendar while we wait for a car.

“No! It's OK. I was the one who asked. I was down for a while and I need to get back to work.” I give a slight smile, debating. "Hm, was the doctor I asked for by any chance be marked?"

“Yes! Wednesday at 3pm.” he smiles proudly, making me smile too. Edward seems like a nice guy.

We got into a silver car and went to the hotel. Along the way, Edward answers a few calls, closing in on his tasks. I seize the moment and close myself in my own world. I get my cell phone, turning it on and seeing that tsunami of people looking for me. Missed calls, messages, dm on twitter and instagram, everyone looking for me, but not him.

I lock my cell phone, trying to focus my mind on the new beginning I sought for myself. I admire the city through the car window, trying to find a piece of home there. I feel the phone vibrate in my lap with Kyleen's name, but I just decline the call. In seconds, the screen lights up again and several messages come in, I believe they are hers, but I don't even bother to look. I have no courage.

The car stops in front of the Intercontinental, and just like that, Edward jumps out of the car.

“Your loft, unfortunately, is not ready yet. So you're going to have to stay here for a few days.” he explains, heading towards the reception desk.

I stand behind him, taking in the details of the hotel. Before long, I'm entering a room on the 14th floor, with a beautiful view of the city. The bags are left in the small room before the bedroom.

I smile at my new “Noah” showing that everything is perfect.

“Good! I'll let you rest for tomorrow. Anything, these are my phones.” he gives me a card. "And you can call me at any time. I live near here, I will come in a few minutes.”

“Thank you so much, Edward. You are very kind." Again, your cheeks turn pink.

As he heads for the door, I start rummaging through my bags for pajamas.

“Hm, sorry if I'm not being professional right now, but since I believe we'll be working together in the next few months, I imagine a good relationship is essential, so you can call me Eddie.”

I open an even bigger smile, seeing that Eddie was willing to make a friendship, which is perhaps the thing I need most at the moment.

“Thanks, Eddie!” he smiles and this time he walks away, leaving me alone again.

I go back to looking for a more comfortable outfit, ignoring my cell phone blinking on the table as I muted it. I grab my clothes, heading to a shower and stay there for a long time, letting the water take everything.

When I get out of the shower, I pick up the bedroom phone, dialing my mother's number, I don't want to take the risk of answering any of my cell phone calls.

"Hello?" her lost tone makes me smile weakly.

“Hi Mom!”

“Hi, my love. How are you? Marnie, what's going on? Leah came here to say you left without saying goodbye. I called Luke, but he did not answer me and Noah said something about you being to move to New York, you told me it would be just a month.” I cover the phone, not wanting her to hear my cry, letting the tears fall. "Marnie?"

“I'm sorry, Mom.” I can't control my voice and pretend it's okay.

“Honey, what's going on? You can tell me. Mom will help you.” I realize she wants to cry too, and that hurts me more.

“I needed to do this, needed to get away from him.” the revelation comes out before I can see it.

"He who? Luke? Why? I thought everything was fine.” her desperate tone returns.

“I'm sorry I can't talk.” I close my throat, holding back tears. “I just want to let you know that I arrived well and that everything is fine.”

“Fine? Marnie, just look at your voice, your condition. I saw what you did to the apartment. Honey, things aren't fine.” now she was angry.

“Mom, please just trust me. I know what I'm doing.” Do I? I clear my throat, holding back the emotion. “I just wanted to call to say I got okay. Later we'll talk.” I hang up the phone before she asks anything else.

I head to the bathroom, drying my hair. I notice that yesterday's anger is still in me as I can't face my image in the mirror, refusing to look deep into my eyes.

With dry hair, I go back to my room, thinking about taking a nap, since I haven't slept all night and even less on the flight. I close my eyes, trying to focus my thoughts on something else. I think about that taxi I saw earlier, trying to park. Or people crossing the street without looking at the sign. At the cookie shop I want to see.

I manage to evade Luke's, my mother's, John's, and Noah's voices, giving myself more and more to the sleep that finally came. Far away, I hear someone knocking hard on the door, but I ignore it, as I had the same thoughts yesterday morning. But I wake up when the pounding comes back stronger and Leah's voice enters the room.

“Marnie Elizabeth McGonagall, open this shit now before I drop it and you know I'm capable of it.” I leap out of bed, running to the door.

She can’t be here.

I open the door, revealing Leah with perhaps the worst expression I've ever seen in the world. She was furious, if not more so. As she storms into my room without waiting for an invitation, I quickly look down the hall, seeing a couple look at me startled. I smile awkwardly, closing the door.

“What are you doing here?” I question, still not understanding.

"What are you doing here? And without warning anyone. Fading in the morning. Breaking up with Luke. What the fuck was that?” she screams.

For a second, I see that my amnesia was an issue with my plan. By not remembering my friendship with everyone, I really believed that I just left and everything would be fine. I didn't imagine anyone would cross the country for me, to understand what was going on.

And if Leah did it, it's a matter of hours before someone else does. They weren't going to leave me alone, they weren't going to forget me, and they weren't going to let this story pass. I need to push them away, but I don't know how.

"Go on, Marnie. What the fuck is going on? And if you tell me it's a job offer, I swear I'll fly at you without pity or mercy, and I'll slap the truth out.” she cross her arms.

I consider the last option a lot because I know she can do it. But I won't tell her the truth, that's not an alternative. I want to believe that if I don't back off, she'll see I'm not lying and won't attack me. And even if she tries, I just run away, I'm closer to the door and there's an armchair between us.

"But it is what it is!" I shrug.

“Stop it!” she screams. “Stop lying, Marnie. Everyone. Everyone knows you're lying, so why don't you tell the truth?” she waves her hands through the air.

“Because there's no other truth, Leah. Will I have to draw it for you?” I make the same moves she does.

“Be my guest!” she sits on the couch. I sigh wearily. I haven't slept for hours, I'm angry with myself and the world and now that I thought the situation was resolved and I just had to go on with my life, she comes and messes everything up.

“Why are you here?” I stay upright.

“I do not know! It must be cause you went crazy and disappeared without saying anything. Didn't answer my calls, no one had any answers about what was going on. So I took my father's jet and came to resolve this situation and I don't leave here without an answer at least.”

In the same way I laugh at Noah, I laugh at her, thinking it will fix everything. Leah carries the same expression as her brother, neutral, mocking.

“Why did you break up with Luke?” she asks quietly.

The mention of his name makes me shiver. I notice how my stomach turns and try to ignore it. I wonder if I can subtly extract some information from his state, but I don't want her to think I still care about him.

"Cause I wasn't in the mood anymore." I shrug, walking through space.

“My God, you've actually lied better.” I glare at her. “You know you're in trouble here, I know you better than anyone. I know you are lying and that you are going through some difficult situation. I even have my theories. So you're going to have to work a lot harder to trick me or get me out of here.” she cracks a smile, feeling victorious.

"Oh do you have? What are your theories?” I mock her.

“The first is that you really freaked out with amnesia and you can't handle it. The second is that you can't handle your feelings about Luke, it happened once before. And the third is that someone put some shit in your head and made you believe that everything would be better if you were out of the way.” I feel her gaze burning into me, looking for any reaction.

I let out a laugh, not forced, nervous that she got it right. Leah raises an eyebrow.

“You really traveled on your theories. Sorry, none are right.”

As if by magic, the answer appears to me. The only way I was going to get rid of everyone and go through with the plan without a hitch was to make her hate me. Make everyone hate me, just like I did Luke.

Just considering their hate for me makes my heart ache. But I need to do this. For Luke. For the boys. It's for their success.

“You know, a few months ago you were asked to be in a movie and you didn't take it cause you said you were a terrible actress. Isn't that right?” she gets up again. “Noah told me you said you were doing this for Luke, because you loved him. Marnie, what are you trying to hide?” she comes closer.

I feel dirty because of the attitude I'm going to take. It's low, very low, but I need her to hate me.

"Look who talks about hiding." I give a cynical laugh. Leah looks at me confused. "Don't you have anything to tell too?" she still doesn't understand. “You and Kyleen?”

Hastings freezes. The bitter taste of my act starts to fill my mouth. I’m sorry, Leah. I’m so sorry.

“How do you know?” she takes a step back.

"Who do you think closed the bathroom door on Ash's birthday?" I raise my eyebrows.

“Is not the same thing.”

“It isn’t? Aren't you hiding something from all of us?” I force a smile like hers a few minutes ago.

“No! Cause I'm not pushing everyone away, I'm not telling lies. And if you asked me, I would tell you the truth. Deep down, you know why I didn't say anything. You know my dad hasn't accepted Noah yet, that this is a problem in our family, and you know he wouldn't accept me either. You know that deep down I'm trying to protect both of us.”

“Oh! Do I?” I debauchery more. Right now, I feel horrible when I see your eyes water. I'm so, so sorry.

“I know what you're trying to do and I'm not going to stage it.” she walks past me to the door.

"Didn't you want to talk? I am talking.” Leah turns to me, straining the knife I carried in my chest, letting me see her crying face.

“You're trying to make me hate you.” now I'm the one who freezes. She laughs. “See how I know you? You are very predictable, Marnie. And as much as I know of your intention, I will not allow you to reach your goal. I hope that one day, not too far away, you realize what a big shit you're doing.” she opens the door, going. “Oh, and before I forget, since it's meant to hurt. Congrats, since your little chat with Luke, he's been locked in his room, needing Michael to keep an eye on him.” so Leah slams the door and strikes the final blow.

I bite the inside of my mouth, letting the tears fall. Honestly, I didn't even have the strength to hold back anymore. The rage burning inside me gives way to pain. I imagine Luke locked in his room, lying on the bed, hating me. Hating what we had and what we thought we had.

I walk over to my suitcase, pulling out a package, with the photos I'd taken from the box and the little white box he'd given me. I open it, holding the necklace with his name on it, the one he gave me.

Even knowing what I had to do, I wouldn't get rid of this necklace, I don't have the courage. It was easier to buy an equal one and put it in his hand. What he did to me would be kept with me forever.

““Closed eyes.” he fights.

"I have my eyes closed." I rebate. “Lucas…” I chide him, when I feel his lips on the back of my neck.

“Sorry, I got distracted.” I hold back the urge to laugh. “Closed eyes.”

"If you say it one more time, you'll get hit." I threat.

"How, if you can't see me?" right now, the urge to hit him is so strong that I follow the sound of his voice, trying to kick him. “Hey! No rudeness, otherwise you'll be left without a gift.” the false authoritative tone makes me angrier. “Good girl!”

“Go!” I kicked.

I'm startled by the icy touch against my neck. It's a necklace. Eagerly, I touch the pendant, recognizing the shape. He didn't do it.

“You can open it.” his hands move to my hips, hugging me.

With my eyes open, I run my vision to my neck, finding there a necklace just like his but blue.

“Happy Birthday!” he drops a kiss on my cheek.

I hold the blue quartz, seeing Luke's name engraved on the back. I let a stupid smile spread across my face, glaring at my boyfriend with the same.

"Want to explain why we're wearing practically identical necklaces?"

“It's a little obvious. Couples wear rings and I know what a problem you have with rings.”

“It’s not a problem.” I try to defend myself.

“It's just Alzheimer's. You know, in some people, it starts before they're 70 years old.” I hit him, and he laughs, before he hugs me. "Like I was saying, I know you're not into wearing a ring, so since I already had my necklace, I thought you'd have yours. That way we'll always be close to each other's hearts.” I rest my hands on his shoulders, standing on tiptoes.

"Have I told you I love you today?" I whisper, moving closer.

“Not after 5 pm.” he pouted, looking at the clock on the wall.

I don't know how I managed to kiss him with such a stupid smile on my face.

“Why do I like you, huh?” I question, stealing a little kiss.

“Because I'm cheesy and romantic. And even if you deny it, I know you get attached to it.” he opens a victorious smile.

"Don't ever say 'get attached' again." I beg laughing.

"What is it, bae? That was awesome.” he laughs.

“No!” I scream, laughing.

"What is it, babe girl? Don't you stick to my way of get in?” he keeps teasing me.

I place my lips on yours, determined to shut your mouth and thank you that it works. My mental reminder of “we're late for dinner” evaporates when his hands reach under my shirt. I scratch the back of his neck, pulling him closer.

“We're late for dinner.” he says against my mouth as I start to unbutton his shirt.

“Just say the traffic was like hell.” I suggest kissing his neck.

Luke accepts the idea, picking me up and walking me back to the bedroom."

It's not hard to know that we were late for dinner that day. But I didn't care, I had been given a necklace with his name on it, a necklace that showed how our relationship was getting more and more serious.

I also realize that the two times I got this necklace, at least once I ended up in bed with him. In fact, in both, but only one made it to the end.

“I hate myself.” I say tiredly, going to the minibar to get anything containing alcohol that makes me forget everything.

I call the front desk for two bottles of champagne and the biggest snack they have. I pick up the small whiskey bottles, turning one after the other, as if they were shot. I shake my head, wanting the effect to start faster.

“I hate myself. Leah hates me. Kiki must hate me now too. Just like Noah and everyone else there. Everybody hates me.” I turn the last one over, shaking my head once more. “Luke hates me. Hates me too much.” I comment, hugging the pillow.

I pick up a Polaroid of ours, staring at our happiness marked there. What am I doing?

I throw my head in my hands, lost. I wonder what might happen if I crawl into bed and don't go out for the rest of the month. Probably more people will hate me, but who doesn't hate me now? I mean, just get in line.

Awakened from the thought, when someone knocks on the door. For a second, I wonder who it was, then remember I ordered room service. I walk to the door, feeling the weight of the six small bottles.

My stomach churns and I feel an overwhelming urge to vomit as I land my eyes on the redhead in front of me. Red-haired?

"Bethany?"

[dcbbw]

Would you ever 📝 AU Romance. Riley having a pregnancy scare or how would Liam would react?

@gkittylove99!!! THIS ASK! THIS.ASK. I have to thank my pre-readers and idea bouncers @sirbeepsalot, @burnsoslow, and @ao719. And to all the folks I sent random snippets to, thank you for not thinking I was crazy!

Warnings for this full-blown fic: Slightly NSFW, Frank discussion of pregnancy termination

I awaken to feel Liam’s weight pressed against my back. His palms cover the backs of my hands as his cock sits in my center, throbbing and twitching.

“Are you awake yet?” His breath, warm and stale, tickles the back of my neck.

I respond by arching my hips upwards; I feel his groin  grind against me as he alternates his thrusts between teasingly slow and hard and rough. His teeth scrape my skin between groans of: “Throw that pussy at me,” and “You like how this dick feels?”

The head of his cock is pressed against my spot and I cry out as I release over his shaft; the pillow muffles it. Shortly thereafter, I feel his orgasm splashing against my still clenching walls. He pulls out and rolls over onto his back.

We start every morning with some form of sex. Sometimes it’s oral for me, a blowjob in front of the bedroom mirror for him, or intercourse. It’s always vanilla; we save the kinky for the nighttime.

I stay laying on my stomach; I have been tired lately. And unfocused. I think I need vitamins, maybe an iron supplement. Liam’s voice rouses me, and I turn my head to look at him.

“You need to get up, Riley. It’s time for your shower.”

“I don’t feel good,” I say.

He raises an eyebrow. “Do you have a cold?”

I shake my head. “I just don’t feel good.”

He gives me an odd look before speaking. “I’ll make you some tea and arrange to telework today.”

And then he rises naked from the bed, leaving me alone in the room.

One Week Later

It’s Wednesday, and I am in the office. Chase and Penelope have gone to make the Starbucks run before staff meeting. I didn’t order anything; I am still queasy and it’s strongest in the morning. I feel even more rundown, and there is some heartburn. I am booting up my laptop when my desk phone rings. It’s Lynn, my boss.

“Hey! Come back here and talk to me,” she requests in her signature cheery tone.

I tell her to give me two minutes and hang up. The phone rings again. “Need me to bring you anything?” I answer, sure it’s her again. But it’s Liam.

“Don’t order a car this evening. My car will pick you up at 4:30.”

I stare stupidly at my screen. “Why?”

“You’ll find out.” And the call is disconnected.

I feel uncertainty twist my already roiling stomach as I head into Lynn’s cubicle. She looks up at me, a bright smile on her face. Her hair is in loose waves and falls just past her shoulders; her skin is clear with a rosy glow.

“You look great!” I compliment her. “How do you feel?”

Lynn is entering her fifth month of pregnancy. It’s her fourth; she’s carrying twins.

“Thanks! I feel like I’m hauling around a pod of whales. Sperm whales,” she giggles at her pun.

I offer her a weak smile as I sit in the only empty chair in her cubicle. She frowns slightly. “Was that HR offensive?” She waves her hand dismissively. “I don’t know and too fat to care.”

I shake my head slightly. “You’re fine.”

She begins to dig into a styrofoam container that holds her breakfast: corned beef hash, sausage links, grits, potatoes, toast, and sunny-side up eggs. The sights and smells turn my stomach even more. As she eats, Lynn prattles about her weekend, possibly hiring a new person to help Coco in IT, and maybe putting together an employee handbook.

I say nothing because if I open my mouth, the water and yogurt I had earlier may come up. Noticing my silence, Lynn looks up me; her eyes are critical as she studies me.

“Riley, are you okay? You look … listless.”

“I’m fine!” I force myself to respond cheerfully. “Just a little tired.”

One of her hands rests lightly against her burgeoning belly; the other firmly grips her fork as she drags it through hash, grits, and egg yolk. “Go home. Get some rest for the remainder of the week.”

“I’m fine,” I protest.

“Then go home and get even better. Answer a couple of emails, take a call and you won’t have to use your leave.” She speaks around mouthfuls of food.

My eyes fall to her belly. “Do you have names for the babies yet?”

“Peanut butter and Jelly.” She sees my surprised expression. “There’s a story there, but it’s definitely NSFW. I’m not dealing with HR today.”

She waves her hand at me in a “shoo” motion. “Go home! See you Monday.”

I rise from the chair and make my way slowly back to my desk. I shut down the laptop. I pick up my desk phone and call Liam.

“What?” His tone is curt. I wonder if he’s busy or doesn’t want to hear from me.

“I’m leaving work now. I’m off until Monday.”

A pause before he speaks. I hear papers being shuffled and him typing on his keyboard. “Call the car, go to the penthouse. Shower. Don’t answer the door for anyone, don’t be a Nosy Parker, and I’ll be there shortly.”

And he hangs up.

Once inside the penthouse, I wander around before I shower. It’s rare Liam leaves me alone here; I find it feels strange without his presence. The quiet sounds different, the sun slants through the windows at an altered angle. The stovetop and counters gleam in the bright kitchen; usually both are filled with pots and pans and food in various stages of preparation. I open the refrigerator; there is a platter of homemade meatballs, perfectly rolled and shaped and filled with onions and peppers, ready to be cooked for our dinner tonight. I wonder what else we’ll have.

As I cross back through the living room, I look up at the staircase; only when Liam requests me in his study do I venture into the upper level of the penthouse. There’s a study, home gym, full bathroom, guest room, and the only ingress/egress to the outdoor space upstairs.

I keep walking until I reach the bedroom. I pass Liam’s chest of drawers and frown; one of the drawers isn’t fully closed. I set my phone on top of the furniture and place my palm against the gleaming wood to push it close, but I hesitate. I wonder what’s inside. I look around, even though I know I am the only person in the house.

I’m going to be a Nosy Parker.

I pull the drawer open cautiously and peer inside: neatly folded stacks of boxer shorts in white and black greet me. Next to them are wife beaters, also in white and black, and short-sleeved undershirts in white. There is a wooden tray on the right-hand side of the drawer; it’s mostly cufflinks and tie clips, but I see two photographs, face down. I look at them curiously; just as my fingers reach out to touch them, my phone rings.

I jump and let out a small yell before pushing the drawer shut and looking at my caller ID. I don’t recognize the number; I toss the phone onto the bed before stripping and entering the shower. By the time Liam arrives home, I am wearing his robe and wrapped in a blanket on the living room sofa. There is a talk show on the television. He stands in the doorway looking at me, carrying a brown paper bag. It smells delicious.

And I am now starving.

His eyes look me over as he passes me the food; it’s a grilled cheese sandwich and cup of tomato soup with basil. I look at him gratefully before I bite ravenously into the gooey, melted cheese and hot buttered bread. The cheese melts against my tongue; a droplet of butter rolls from my lower lip down my chin.

Liam sits next to me; he turns the television off.

“You’re feeling better?”

I am drinking savory soup directly from the container. “I’m still tired, but my nausea has passed.”

He nods thoughtfully. “You haven’t used your supplies this month, Riley.”

The sandwich is at my lips, but my mouth does not open. I’m trying to calculate the last time I had my period. Liam watches me for a few seconds before speaking.

“You’re 10 days late, Riley.”

I stare at him, struggling to come to terms with what this meant. Or could mean. Even the most regular women were sometimes late due to hormones or something.

But I was sick in the mornings. I was fatigued constantly.

The image of Lynn’s hand on her pregnant belly flashes through my mind.

I set my food down; my mouth is suddenly dry. “What … what if I am?”

“Pregnant?” Liam asks as he stands, then makes his way to the television set. He stands there, arms folded across his chest. His burgundy tie is blood against the crisp, white shirt he wears.

I nod slowly.

“You’ll get rid of it.” His tone is calm, matter-of-fact.

A coldness spreads from my belly to chill my entire body. I feel goosebumps rise on my skin. “No,” I whisper. “IF I am, it’s my body!”

“But my child. I don’t want children, Riley.”

“Then you should’ve taken better precautions!” I yell as I stand and get in his face. The robe falls open. I am naked beneath it, but Liam isn’t looking at my body.

“YOU said you were on birth control!” His voices thunders throughout the apartment. He takes a deep breath as he composes himself.

“However, I should have ensured that no … accidents could occur. I’ll be rectifying that situation.”

My eyes search his. He returns my gaze, his eyes steady. How could he be so callous, so cold towards a possible life he helped create?

“I’m not getting rid of our baby. This isn’t something you can throw money at to make it go away, Liam!”

He looks at me incredulously. “It’s a BABY! I will ALWAYS BE THROWING MONEY AT IT!” He shakes his head. “Best to make a one-time payment and be done with it.” He looks at me with hard, dark eyes. “And you either get rid of it or give it up. Those are your only options, Riley. You can’t have us both.”

He steps around me, headed for the stairway that leads upstairs. “Finish your food before it gets cold.”

The heels of his shoes tap against hardwood as he jogs up the stairs. And I am alone.

All alone.

I look around and my glance falls on my lunch. I gather it and take it into the kitchen; I watch red liquid splash against the stainless steel of the sink as I pour the soup out. I wrap the sandwich in its paper, put it back inside its bag, and ball the whole thing up before tossing it in the trash.

Back in the living room, I straighten the sofa cushions and fold my blanket; I carry the blanket with me to the bedroom. I place it back inside the closet; I look at my clothing. Clothing that Liam bought. My fingertips run across the various fabrics: silk, wool, cotton; it causes the hangers to tinkle against each other.

I am standing at the window, the robe belted tightly around my waist, when I hear Liam’s voice behind me. He says I have a doctor’s appointment Friday morning to determine if I am indeed pregnant. I say nothing as my eyes stay fixed on sunlight glinting off the East River, barely visible behind buildings of stone and steel.

I feel him behind me; I smell his cologne and hear his breathing. I feel tears prick my eyes.

“Why do you hate me so much?” I whisper.

“I don’t,” he answers softly.

His arms come around my waist and I feel his face drop into my hair. Then he steps away. “Dinner in an hour.”

“I’m not hungry.”

His footsteps pause. “You should eat.” And then he is gone.

That night, we do not have sex, but we do the next morning. We then spend the remainder of the day avoiding each other and not speaking.

I sit on his ridiculously oversized bed, chin resting on my knees, wondering what I will do if I am pregnant. I have my job; I have the alimony from Maxwell. I would need to find a bigger apartment, a two-bedroom at least.

I would not ask Liam for any child support, nor would I accept it if offered.

Friday morning, we are sitting in a doctor’s office. I fill out paperwork and give the receptionist my insurance information. Liam sits in a chair, an ankle resting on a thigh while he reads a magazine. When my name is called, he walks with me into the examination room.

The nurse is cheerful; she asks me questions that I answer in a dull tone.

No, I have never been pregnant before.

My period is now two weeks late.

The nausea is worse in the morning. I also have heartburn.

No pain.

Liam’s eyes stay fixed on me.

The nurse draws blood; I go to the bathroom to pee in a cup. And we wait.

The doctor comes in 20 minutes later. I am not pregnant. But she wants to do an ultrasound. I feel relief, sadness, and fear. I look at Liam, but his expression is stoic, giving nothing away. I agree to the ultrasound.

There is cool gel. Pictures of my insides show up on a screen. There are white spots on my right side.

I have gallstones; that is why I am nauseous and have heartburn and fatigue.

My surgery is scheduled for a month from Monday.

Liam asks if there is anything that can help relieve my discomfort for the next month. He inquires about foods and drinks to avoid. But he doesn’t look at the doctor when he asks his questions.

He is squatting in front of me, his thumb brushing my cheek while his eyes hold mine captive.

The doctor answers as she scribbles on paper: Ibuprofen to help with pain, and I need to limit my dairy, fats, grease, and fried foods.

At the reception desk, Liam pays the co-pay costs. The receptionist smiles at him. “Dr. Marion will see you Wednesday. Did you receive your paperwork?”

Liam nods, and tells her he will return it no later than Monday before he takes my hand as we walk to the elevator. I want to pull away because I don’t think he would be holding my hand if I were pregnant.

He won.

But I let my hand stay wrapped with his.

“Who’s Dr. Marion?” I ask.

“My urologist.”

“Is it a routine visit?”

I feel my stomach sour even though I haven’t eaten anything.

The elevator car arrives, and we board. He pushes the button to take us to the lobby. His eyes stay fixed on the metal doors as we begin our descent downstairs.

“I’m getting a vasectomy.”

And he says nothing else.

Tagging: @sirbeepsalot @jared2612 @katedrakeohd @jovialyouthmusic @hopefulmoonobject @amomentofsinclairity @ao719 @burnsoslow @bbrandy2002 @janezillow @marietrinmimi @annekebbphotography @merridithsmiscellany-blog @queenjilian @texaskitten30 @glaimtruelovealways @indiacater @forthebrokenheartedthings @kingliam2019 @bebepac @zaffrenotes @liyanin @liamxs-world @choiceslife @ac27dj @the-soot-sprite @gnatbrain @sanchita012 @anotherbeingsworld @atha68 @hopelessromanticmonie @amandablink @cmestrella @iaminlovewithtrr @cinnamonspongecake @lifeaskim @starrystarrytrouble @liamandneca @liamrhysstalker2020 @alyssalauren @queenrileyrose @ladyangel70 @yourmajesty09 @gkittylove99 @neotericthemis @twinkleallnight @umccall71 @ritachacha @marshmallowsaremyfavorite @cordonianroyalty @superharriet

   #tw discussion of pregnancy termination #tw slightly ns*w #dcbbw answers #UnRomance AU ask #liam x riley #this isn’t Cordonia

[managedmischiefs]

chapter eighteen

genre: angst

warnings: prison, solitary confinement, kidnapping, ptsd, hospitals, car accident (no description, just mentions), Cat Adams, allusions to sexual assault

word count: 12.4k (sorry friends)

summary: amelia comes to terms with spencer coming home. spencer needs to save his mom and catch scratch. it's too much for 24 hours.

pairing: season 12 spencer reid x oc

AMELIA

Being woken up by banging at my door was not how I expected my day to start. I'd barely even slept. All my friends came over to my apartment when I told them I needed support, and we wound up staying up until the early hours of the morning watching tv.

But Frankie shook me awake, telling me that someone had been knocking on the door for a few minutes and they weren't going away. I pushed Frankie away at first, murmuring for him to answer it himself.

"Lia," Jenna took her turn in shaking my shoulder, "it's Penelope and JJ! You have to open it. Go."

And so I pushed myself off the couch, falling onto my knees but dragging myself away from my sleepy group of friends. Penelope and JJ burst in the door as soon as I opened it, and in the past, the tear stains on their cheeks would have made me panic. But they're smiling and hugging me and grabbing my hands and the excitement confused me but didn't make me wonder what happened to Spencer.

"We're going to get him." Penelope blurted out, holding my shoulders too tightly and beaming at me and JJ. "You didn't want updates so I didn't give you any but now that we know about Lindsay and that she drugged Reid, we found evidence that put her in Mexico and we also found partial prints and we got them to a judge just in time and she agreed to release Reid!"

"It's over, Amelia, he's coming home," JJ added, pulling me into another too-tight hug.

I didn't believe them. Penelope and JJ seemed elated and ready to bring me to the prison, and even my friends gave me hugs when I moved back towards the living room for my shoes. But it didn't seem real. It didn't seem like reality. Almost five months without Spencer and receiving bad news after bad news after bad news, I should have believed that all of a sudden he's coming home? It wasn't possible.

The girl's ushered me upstairs and told me to change as quickly as I could. And if I believed them, maybe I would have dressed better. Maybe I would have throw on a dress and my signature boots and put my hair up and thrown in my piercings and slapped a smile on my face. Maybe I would've made myself look presentable. But none of this seemed real and so I didn't even care. I just threw on a new pair of pajamas and my glasses and ran my fingers through the knots in my hair. When I returned to the girls downstairs, I just grabbed my backpack and shrugged.

"I'm gonna take my own car," I had picked my car keys up from the bowl as we left my apartment. I insisted that I wanted to drive my own car and not ride with the girls and Luke, but Penelope insisted that she drive my car. Something about me maybe not being in the right mindset to drive. I didn’t have the energy to argue. So she snatched the keys out of my hand and dragged me to my car, making sure I got in the passenger seat, and then drove off.

The silence loomed over us as she drove and I just stared out the window at the passing sights. I tried to keep my breathing regulated and my tears at bay. A few slipped out and rolled down my cheeks but I didn't let them stay for long, I couldn't let that type of weakness linger.

"Hey," Penelope eventually broke the silence, "why aren't you more excited? Spencer's coming home."

I shook my head, biting down on my lip. "Because I don't believe it."

"You don't believe it?" She asked, glancing over at me. "We’re going there now, Amelia. Going to go get him."

"Penelope." I turned to her, my throat tightened to stop the flood gates from opening. "Every time I came to the BAU, there was some horrible news waiting for me. Spencer's arrested, Spencer's going to prison, Spencer's trial was pushed back, Spencer got beat up, Spencer stabbed himself to get into solitary confinement. I know you guys are amazing at your jobs, you're the absolute best at your jobs and I'm sorry if I'm being harsh, but I'm not gonna believe it when you and JJ come knocking on my door on a random Wednesday morning to tell me that Spencer is coming home after he basically tried to start a fight with someone in prison. I'm not getting my hopes up."

Penelope didn't say anything after my tantrum. She just kept her eyes forward and she drove, and when the prison finally came into view, I had to look away. I had bitched and moaned and cried and screamed about Spencer not putting me on his visitor list but as I finally laid eyes on the building where Spencer was being trapped and tortured, I knew I'd never be able to step foot inside. I knew I couldn't force myself into a building where Spencer went through the worst moments in his life.

"I can't go in," I said to Penelope, and she didn't even ask why. She didn't ask why, she didn't try to convince me to go in, she didn't complain.

The three of them rushed inside the prison and I was left in the parking lot. I eventually migrated outside my car, leaning against the driver’s side and staring up at the clouds. I couldn't see any shapes at that moment. I wonder if Spencer was able to see any yet. The last time I'd asked, he couldn't. I wonder if he could look up at the sky and see a hair bow or a tree or a bird.

Time ticked on, and on, and on, and my heart sank closer and closer to my feet. I knew it was too good to be true. They went in there to get Spencer and now they won't let him out. Why else would it have taken so long? How long does it take to get someone out of prison? Surely not the hour and a half that I stood out in the cold, trying to bring my sweater closer around my body to keep me warm.

I just stared at the clouds and wished with every fiber of my being that this would be over soon so I could go home and curl up in bed. I didn't want to be trapped in my stuffy car, or stranded at this horrible prison, or anywhere near the BAU team.

I reached into my pocket, pulling out Spencer's sobriety medallion. There was never a day that I left my apartment without it. I traveled every single step with it on my body. It didn't serve the same purpose to me that it would for a recovering addict, but it did do something similar. It reminded me that Spencer would come home to me. Every time I looked down at the circular metal, at the engraved N on the back, it reminded me that whether it be tomorrow, or next month, or next year, or next decade, Spencer would come home to me. He would, like he promised so many times that he would, remember to keep going north and he would come home. He would do what he believes is right and he would come home to me in one piece.

I twirled the cold metal in my hand and tapped my foot, waiting for this torture to be over. And maybe it was privileged of me to have that thought. I had all the privilege in the world to be sitting outside of a prison with car keys in my hand and a car full of gas that could take me anywhere, while my boyfriend was trapped inside, wasting away and serving time for a crime that he didn't commit while serial killers roam free and taunt the BAU with what they've done.

When you're younger, you memorize the sounds of your family members. I could always tell by the sound of a set of keys if it was my mom or my dad walking in the front door. By the pressure and amount of knocks, I could tell if it was my brother coming into my bedroom to play or my dad coming to hit me. I could always tell who was screaming louder downstairs by the frequency, and I quickly learned who was my mother and who was my father, even if their voices were muffled.

I only started to cry when I heard footsteps. I heard Penelope's heels clicking against the pavement from a mile away, but the moment I heard Spencer's dress shoes against the pavement, I relaxed and let the tears fall. I'd heard him wear those shoes for the entirety of our relationship and I knew the sounds of those just as well as the sound of my own voice. That was the moment that I knew it was real. This was happening. It was over. He was coming home and I would have him in my arms again.

He didn't say anything for what seemed like the longest time. Even as I sniffled and wiped my tears, he just stood and stared. I knew that the moment I looked at him, I would lose it, but not exactly how. I'd yelled and I'd cried and I'd lost my cool at the team, but how would I react towards Spencer? Would I do the same? I was pissed at him, that's for sure. I was pissed and hurt and scared and angry, and I wanted nothing more than to scream at him for putting me through this pain and for leaving me by myself for so long.

But I knew that I'd give anything to hug him, to kiss him, to comfort him, to have him in my arms. I wanted to cry and tell him that, despite his mother's abduction, he's safe. He doesn't have to fight for his life anymore and he doesn't have to watch his back. I just wanted to love him endlessly. But I didn't want to look at him. I didn't want to see what he looked like and face what he had been through and see the physical effects. So I kept my eyes up at the clouds, searching for clouds that I could distinguish to be a shape.

He moved closer and I swear, I could've screamed. Screamed, why? I'm not sure. My chest was so tight, I needed to get some sort of emotion out. But I just clutched the medallion as tightly as I could and zeroed in on a cloud that could possibly, maybe, only a little bit look like a square.

"I'm sorry," he said, but I had no clue what he was apologizing for. Honestly, there are so many things. Was he sorry for approaching me? Was he sorry for going to prison? Was he sorry for getting arrested? Was he sorry for going to Mexico? Was he sorry for bringing his mother to live with him? There are so many things that, in Spencer's mind, he could apologize for. Why now? But I still didn't look at him. "I tried to see dinosaurs and cars and lamps like you told me about, but I couldn't. I need you to teach me how to see shapes in the clouds because I can't do it without you, baby."

The fucking clouds. He apologized for not seeing shapes in the fucking clouds. He apologized because of one conversation we had after I dragged him to the park after he came home from a rough case. But somehow, I understood what he meant by it. He thought that he failed me and that he disappointed me because of this whole ordeal. Not being able to see a fucking dinosaur in the cloud is just a metaphor for his inability to keep himself out of harm’s way and out of Scratch's way. But I never saw it like that, and I wish he knew that.

And in my horrible effort to silently communicate to him that he didn't need to apologize, I looked into his eyes. I love this man with all my heart, but he looked absolutely horrible. His hair was significantly longer than I remembered and looked like it hadn't been brushed in years, his facial hair, while I was right in predicting that it is undeniably sexy, was unkempt, and he had the darkest circles under his eyes that I'd ever seen. I'd seen him deprived of sleep before, but at that moment, I wondered if he ever actually closed his eyes for the duration of his stay in prison.

He reached out for me, and just when his fingers were about to brush the fabric of my coat, he retracted his hands. I wished he hadn't. I wished he grabbed me as tightly as he could the moment he walked over here and kissed me with every bit of strength he had left in his body. I trembled with desire, just needing to feel Spencer on me. But I didn't want to rush him. I knew he went through a lot in those walls and he was clearly a bit unhinged, and I didn't want to set him off.

"I--" he hesitated, it seemed, stumbling over his words. He gulped, choking back tears. I wanted to reach for him, to hold him, to kiss him, to hug him like I'd been craving to do for months on end. But I reminded myself to breathe through my tears and not accost him. "Lia, I need you."

That was all it took. We broke down after that. We broke down crying, and hugging, and kissing, the way we had both been longing to do so badly for months. It was an outpouring of love and emotions and tears and part of me thought that it still didn't even feel real. It was just a moment of relief and happiness before Spencer would be ushered back inside and stolen right from me again.

Even now, it doesn't seem real. Even now as JJ comes to put her hands on our shoulders and grins at us, telling us that the other three are going to head back to the BAU. Penelope and Luke give us hugs and head back to the SUV, leaving Spencer and me alone again.

It doesn't feel real as I pull my keys out of my pocket, turning to my boyfriend with a slightly tired smile. "I know I shouldn't try to convince you to go home and shower, or change, or just-- go home and rest."

Spencer gives me a tight-lipped smile, shaking his head no. "I know you want me home, but I gotta get my mom back."

"I know. I knew that answer already. Get in," I gesture to the passenger side of my car and climb in, starting the engine. I watch the SUV pull away in front of us and put my car into drive, double-checking that Spencer has buckled his seat belt before I pull away from the prison. I catch Spencer's eyes lingering on the building as we pull away, and I wish I could know what's going on in his head. "Hey," I whisper, and his head slowly turns to me, "it's over, dove. You don't have to go back ever again."

Spencer starts to nod but his gaze travels out the window again. The silence in the car thickens and it makes me nervous. It scares me, to be honest. I've heard stories about inmates being institutionalized, but I have no idea what that means. I know of the major events that happened to Spencer in prison but I don't know what he saw, or experienced, or what's going on in his head. I don't know if he's changed and I don't know if he's stayed exactly the same. But if I'm getting the answer based on this car ride, I would bet that he's changed exponentially. Spencer always filled our car rides with stories and facts and statistics. We've never had a silent car ride.

"Amelia?" He's, surprisingly, the one who breaks the silence. "Um--"

"Yeah?" I encourage him to keep talking, looking over at him when I stop at a red light.

Spencer looks down at his lap, fiddling with one of the cuff links on his jacket. "This seems sort of, um, silly, I guess, but, um, could you, um--"

"Lovey, just ask. You don't need to be afraid," I turn my head to him and smile. I try not to let my mind wander off and question how maybe smiles he's seen lately. I try not to let my mind wander off and question how many times he hasn't been afraid lately.

Spencer chews on his bottom lip as he stares back at me, still wondering if he should even ask what he wants to. And I'm not sure what it is that finally calms him enough to ask, but he nods after a moment. "Could you, um, if you could still drive, could you, just, hold my hand?"

It's such a simple request. It's a question that, in the past, would have never even needed to have been asked. Spencer would have just reached over and grabbed my hand at a red light without asking. Maybe he would have kissed me too, and he probably would have even had his hand on my thigh by now. But now he seems so hesitant to touch me, and I don't know if I want to know if it's my fault or his fault.

I retract my right hand from the steering wheel and hold it out to him. "Of course. You know you don't need to ask, Spence."

Spencer nods wordlessly, intertwining our fingers and dropping our hands into his lap. He holds them there, staring straight forward when I start to drive again. I soon feel his other hand covering my knuckles and it brings goosebumps to my skin.

"You got another tattoo," he observes, and then runs his pointer finger over the black ink, "and it's for me."

"I got it after your court hearing," I say softly because even though he brought up the tattoo, I don't necessarily want to bring up things like his arrest and when he was sentenced to go to jail. "Everyone came out to tell me what happened and I just dragged Penelope out and got it done right away. I wanted a reminder of you."

Spencer lifts our entwined hands, pressing his lips to the back of my hand. "I love it." His lips are soft and warm and I never want him to pull away, but then I remind myself that his kisses aren't going anywhere. He's out of prison and he's not leaving me again and he's coming home.

I glance down at our hands and a small smile comes to my face. But he doesn't say anything else and he just moves his gaze back out the window. So I keep driving and I don't say anything else until we arrive at the building where I've spent all of my time lately.

I'm starting to break again as I throw my car into park, leaning my one hand against the steering wheel as I choke back a new wave of tears. "Spencer," my voice cracks pathetically, and I can't even bring myself to look at him, "they're gonna find your mom, and everything's gonna be okay."

"You don't know that," Spencer scoffs and he drops my hand from his grasp. "She's been taken by serial killers who put me in prison just because they wanted to have some excitement in their lives. They could--" he shutters, digging the heel of his hand into his eye, "they could just kill her and-- and-- I'll never see her again."

When I look over at him, something just makes me realize how much he's changed, but I'm not sure what. Maybe it's how he's speaking to me and how he let go of my hand. Spencer never used to let go of my hand if he had the chance to hold it. He would always be making some sort of physical contact with me. I see how he's changed in the way his hair curls, and the way his suit lays on his broader shoulders, and the way his eyes dart across the new environment he's moved into. I suddenly don't even know how to talk to him. I suddenly don't even think I should be in the same car as him, sitting next to him, and then more tears are streaming down my cheeks as those horrible thoughts come to mind.

I tug the keys out of the ignition and reach for the door handle. "Ready to go in?" And without another word or a glance towards me, Spencer pulls open the passenger door and strides towards the entrance.

I always thought that when Spencer got out of prison, it would be an absolute relief. I thought once we cried and hugged and kissed, we would spend some time with the team, and then I'd be able to take him home. I'd be able to take him home and shower him in love and tell him how much I missed him and how much I love him and start dishing out all the affection he missed out the last few months.

I didn't think that he'd hug the team for two seconds upon his return to the BAU, and then they'd go running off in their kevlars. We had gone to his apartment to grab a few things but that was a quick stop and we came right back.

I didn't think that my first day back with Spencer would consist of me watching him pace insistently in the round table room. But here I am, sitting with my legs crossed in the of the rolling chairs while Spencer mumbles to himself and walks the length of the room, back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. It's making me crazy, honestly, and he's never paced before. I've always hated pacing. But I know he's anxious about his mom and there's nothing I can do to help.

"Spence?" He barely even acknowledges when I say his name. "Spencer," I say his name a bit sharper, and that's when he stops pacing and looks at me. His hair is disheveled and his eyes are swollen from how he keeps rubbing them.

I beckon him over with a slight wave of my hand, turning the chair beside me towards him. Spencer's chest deflates at my simple and silent request and that hurts, but nonetheless, he throws his body into the seat beside me. "What do you need?" He forces the question out, trying to sound somewhat polite despite his utter panic and stress.

I reach into my pocket and pull out his medallion, staring down at it for a moment before handing it over to him. "I've been carrying it around with me since you got arrested. Haven't taken a step without it in my pocket. Maybe it'll help to, I don't know, ground you? Maybe it won't help at all but I figured it wouldn't hurt you to have it right now."

Spencer reaches forward the grab the medallion from me, and when his fingers brush against mine, it sends a shock up my arm. Gosh, it's like we're touching for the first time all over again. He stares down at it, flipping it around in his fingers a few times before he lets out a long breath.

"Amelia," he practically whimpers, and the sound hurts more than his hostility. He makes a fist around the medallion around me and looks up at me, his eyes rimmed red. "Will you hold me?"

I quickly scramble out of my chair and onto Spencer's lap, wrapping my arms around his neck and resting my head on his chest. We sit like that forever, it seems, just waiting for any word from the team or for them to arrive back here. Spencer stays silent though and just holds my waist, his forehead resting against my shoulder. We stay so still and so silent that I fall asleep in Spencer's embrace. After all, I was woken up at the crack of dawn after a late night with wine and my friends.

I'm shaken awake, though, when Spencer quickly ushers me off his lap and back into the chair I was previously in. He's on his feet in a minute, spewing out a million questions to the team that is filing in with their kevlars still on.

"Where's my mom?" He asks hastily, glancing around the room. When nobody gives him an immediate answer, he slams his hands against the table with every bit of strength he has, and the force is enough to jolt me completely awake and alert. "Tell me! Where is my mom? Is she dead?" I stand, placing my hand on Spencer's arm, but he quickly and easily shakes it off. "Don't touch me!" He shouts, barely even looking at me before returning his attention to his team. "Where's my mom?!"

Everyone in the room is utterly shocked by his explosive behavior, especially me. I'm so shocked that I cower away from him, all the way until my back hits the wall and I'm across the room from him. But nobody pays any mind to me, they're all staring at Spencer.

"Spence, she wasn't there," Emily speaks first, quietly and gently. "We have reason to believe that she's okay, but, um, we got more insight from the house that we need to tell you about. And Amelia, I'm sorry, but I'm gonna have to ask you to leave."

I don't need to be asked twice. I flee from the conference room. I tangle my fingers in my curls and hurry down the ramp, falling into the chair at Spencer's desk, pulling my knees up to my chest again. I pull in deep breaths through my nose and close my eyes, trying to forget the image of Spencer yelling at me and rejecting my comfort.

He's never, ever yelled at me like that. We've been together for two and a half years now and in the two years that we were physically together, we never fought. And in the times that we argued, it was over little things. We argued over missed dates and forgotten chores and broken household items. But Spencer never once raised his voice at me like that and he never pushed me away from him.

I don't know how to deal with him. I've only been in his presence for two hours, at most, and I've already had countless moments of confusion and bafflement. He's different. I should have expected that. But he's so different and I don't know how to help him. I don't know how to calm him down and what I'm supposed to say to him to remind him that he's safe. Am I supposed to say anything at all?

I only lift my head when I start to hear shouting. My eyes dart back towards the conference room where it seems like the team is arguing all amongst each other, shedding their kevlars and throwing them aside. Their anger seems to be mostly towards Emily, but then it momentarily turns to Spencer when he starts speaking, and then it's back to Emily. Rossi is pacing, Penelope is on the verge of tears, and the rest of the team just looks outraged. But oddly enough, Spencer looks calm. He's looked calm this whole time.

And then he lets his gaze linger out to me. He lets himself look out of the conference room to my curled up body, watching helplessly from the outside as the team argues over a matter I can't be involved in. His face softens and even from here, I can see that he sighs. I try to muster up some sort of smile, one that's surely weak and not comforting in the slightest. But at least I offer him something other than crime and arguing.

Spencer turns away from his team and leaves the conference room, taking his time in wandering over to me. I watch his every step, wondering what is going on and why everyone is so up in arms. Maybe I don't even want to know. I'm sure it will just make me mad anyways, especially if it's making Penelope so upset.

Spencer gets to his desk and leans against the edge beside me, breathing out a sigh that's tense and rigid. "I, um--" he clears his throat, putting his hands in his lap and looking down at them, "I'm sorry I yelled at you like that."

I nod at him, reaching forward to wiggle my fingers into his intertwined hands, and he resists at first but lets me hold his hand after a moment. "It's okay, dove. What's going on?"

"Do you remember," he keeps his gaze away from me, "when we first went cloud watching?"

I furrow my eyebrows at him, cocking my head to the side. "Uh, of course I do. We went on a picnic after you had a hard case."

"Do you remember the case?" He asks next like he’s trying to draw out his questions to avoid what he really needs to tell me, and his grip on my hand gets tighter.

"Vaguely," I murmur. "You had to go on a date with a hitwoman and pose as a married man who wanted to kill his pregnant wife. What does that have to do with this? I thought she was in prison, Spence."

"She is," Spencer starts to nod continuously and breaks one of his hands away to rub up and down my arm, a stiff attempt at comfort. "She orchestrated this from prison. Scratch was never involved apparently. She had an accomplice in the free world who did all her dirty work for her, but she ultimately called all the shots. It was her, Amelia," he sighs, and when his hand stops moving, I hear him sniffle. "When the team went to that house just before, they found a message from Cat, she's the hitwoman. She said that if I want my mom back, then I have to go and talk to her."

My eyes widen at his words, and I'm utterly stunned. "What?"

"Me and JJ are leaving in ten minutes. I just came to say goodbye to you, and to tell you I'll be back in a few hours," Spencer never meets my eye. He hasn't this whole time and I don't know if I prefer it that way.

"No!" I exclaim, ripping my hand away from his. The action stuns him and he reaches for me as I pull away, but I'm already standing. "You have to go back to prison? Absolutely not! You just spent three months locked up and going through hell! Send someone else! There's a whole team in that room that's just as smart as you and they can deal with her. I'm not letting you go waltzing right back into prison!"

I turn on my heel and go bounding towards the conference room, but I feel Spencer hot on my heels. He grabs my arm before I can get too far, holding me back. "I know you're upset about this and it's not ideal, but I have to do this to get my mom back."

I turn to him, my eyes filled with tears that I refuse to let fall. "Send someone else." I hiss through my clenched teeth.

"We can't," Spencer responds, and when I try to get out of his grasp, he holds me tighter. "It has to be me. She wants to play her stupid game. I've outsmarted her before and I can do it again--"

"I know you can outsmart her!" I exclaim, pushing his chest, sending him stumbling back a few steps. Our yelling brings the team out of the conference room to check on us but they don't intervene. They just watch us standing on the ramp. They watch me break down for the millionth time.

Spencer groans, running his hands through his unruly hair. "Lia, I--"

"I know you can outsmart her, Spencer!" I shout, hot tears streaming down my cheeks and down my neck, wetting the collar of my tank top. "That's not what I'm worried about! I know that you're smart enough to outsmart every goddamn serial killer that gets on your radar. I've known that since the moment I met you. But I don't--" I choke my words, bringing my hands up to cover my mouth.

I've admitted my feelings to Jenna and to Penelope and somewhat to Dave, but I haven't gotten the chance to speak to Spencer. I haven't been able to tell him how I spent every single moment of his incarceration in fear for his life. Now, I know he had it worse because he was actually experiencing it, but I was in the dark. I couldn't see him and I couldn't talk to him. I was only getting secondhand information from a team of profilers who could have lied to me with ease.

"I can't-" I drop my hands and breathe in a long breath, but it doesn't do anything to slow my rapidly beating heart. "I've spent three fucking months walking around and not being able to see you. I spent three months crying and screaming and cursing the universe for putting you through such intense pain that you don't deserve, because you deserve the motherfucking world, Spencer! And now you just wanna go right back to prison and face some psycho who landed you in a place that had you beat and broken and taken away from me. So I'm sorry that I don't want you to go," I pause again, just staring at Spencer's face. He's giving me a blank face that I can't entirely read. He's never looked at me like this. "I'm sorry that I don't want you to go back to a place that has clearly traumatized you and I'm sorry that I just want to have you here, in my arms so I can hold you and promise you that everything is going to be okay. I'm sorry, okay?"

I push past Spencer and go running off, furiously wiping at my cheeks, but it's a useless attempt. The tears won't stop and I know that. My monologue was also another useless attempt and I know that too. Spencer is going to do absolutely anything in his power to get his mother back. And if that means going to see a serial killer in prison who's clearly obsessed with him, then he'll do it. He's always been that selfless and I used to admire that. But right now I just wish he would listen to me for once.

I throw myself into one of the interview rooms and curl up on the couch, sobbing into my hands. I've just gotten my Spencer back and now he's leaving me to go back to prison. He's getting taken away from me yet again and, after three months of psychological torture, he needs to outsmart a serial killer to save his mother. Can he handle that? He could barely handle asking me to hold his hand in the car. Can he handle a criminally sophisticated serial killer?

The door opens slowly and quietly and then I hear the sounds of Spencer's shoes again. They're dense and heavier than I remember them to be a few months ago. I'm covering my eyes with my hands but I hear him sit down beside the couch I'm on and then his hand reaches out to push my hair behind my ears. My curls bounce back into my face and it makes Spencer chuckle, and that simple sound makes my heart flutter. I want to hear his full-fledged, loud, obnoxious, unhinged, head-tossed-back laugh. I'd do anything to hear that.

"I'm sorry," he whispers, pushing my hair back again and holding his hand on the back of my head. "I know you're unhappy, and I know you're upset and worried and panicked and that you missed me. And I--" he scoots closer to the couch, resting his chin against the cushion, his face right in front of my covered one, "I don't want any of this to be happening either. I wanna go home and finally sleep, and eat something good, and just hold you and-- and cry out my emotions. But I can't do that. I need to do everything I can to save my mom right now. JJ is going to the prison with me and she's gonna make sure everything goes smoothly."

I drag my hands down my face, revealing my tear-stained face to him. Spencer gives me a sad smile, using his free hand to wipe my tears. "Baby?" I whisper.

He hums softly in response, and for a moment, the old him starts to shine through. His tender touch and his soft smile remind me of the person he was. It reminds me of the times we would lay on the couch at night, tangled in a blanket as we eat take-out. Or the times we sit on a freezing cold balcony and shares stories of our days. Or the times we would meet every morning at the same cafe and I could send him off to work with a kiss and a pinky promise to return home safely. This moment gives me just a little bit of hope that the old him is still in him, and that it's just buried deep down.

"Are you gonna be allowed to have your phone?" I murmur, and Spencer nods a tiny bit in response. "Will you just-- can you call me if you need me? I'll keep my phone on me with the ringer on. I know you'll be busy but if you need me, just call me. Even if you just wanna hear my voice, don't hesitate."

Spencer smiles, and I swear, it's the most beautiful sight I've seen in my life. "Of course. I'll always need you, sweetheart."

I grab the hand that's on my face and bring his knuckles to my lips. "I love you so, so much, okay? You got this, dove."

Spencer moves our hands and presses his lips to mine in a gentle kiss. "I love you too. I'm gonna be back as soon as I possibly can be. But, uh, before I leave, can you just do one more thing for me?"

I sit up and look down at him on his knees, running my fingers over his jawline. "Anything."

Spencer reaches into his suit jacket and pulls out a thin, black sharpie. "It's a weird request, I know. But, that tattoo on your hand, could you draw it on me?"

I raise my eyebrows, glancing down at my hand, a small smile playing on my lips. "Seriously?" He nods, thrusting the sharpie in my hand. "Sure, of course. I wouldn't imagine you want it on your hand, where I have it. On your arm? Just on your forearm?" I gesture to my Starry Night tattoo right under the crook of my elbow, for a reference of placement. Spencer starts to push up his jacket and sleeve, leaving me room to draw an identical symbol to the one on my hand. "Spence, you won't even be able to see it."

"I know," he mumbles, watching me draw the little N, "but you can't see the butterfly on the back of your arm. But you know it's there and it makes you think of your mom. I know this is here and it'll make me think of you."

I cap the sharpie and toss it aside, smiling at him. "Be safe, Spencer," I grab his cheeks again, stroking his skin with my thumbs. "You're smarter than her, you know you are. I meant what I said before. You can outsmart every single serial killer out there and you've already outsmarted this one. You can do it again."

He searches my face for something, but I can't quite tell for what. He reaches for my waist, squeezing tightly. Spencer takes in a long breath and closes his eyes. "Please tell me you love me," he whimpers.

"Oh, my darling," I lean forward and rest my forehead against his, closing my eyes too, sinking onto his lap so our bodies can be as close as possible, "Spencer Reid, I love you with every fiber of my being. I love you more than I love myself. My heart beats for you, Spencer. Please, don't ever forget that. I love you and I'll say it until I'm blue in the face. It'll be the first thing I tell you in the morning and the last thing I tell you at night. I just-- I love you."

Spencer doesn't even respond to my second, yet equally dramatic, monologue of the day, but he just presses his lips to mine. The kiss is the fervent and needy we've shared, but that's what we need right now. This is how I would have kissed Spencer if I had the chance to kiss him goodbye before he went away to prison, and even though I know he's going to come back to me, I have so much time to make up for and I need to start now.

"Say it back," I murmur against his lips, turning my head and kissing him again. "Say it back and promise me that you're gonna come back to me in one piece,"

Spencer wraps his arms as tight as he can around my waist and draws me even closer to his body. "I'm gonna come home to you, just like I am right now, I promise," he presses one more long kiss to my lips before pulling away breathlessly. "I love you."

///

"Amelia," Penelope comes bursting into the interview room I never left, a smile on her face, "Spencer and JJ are on their way up."

I jump to my feet, following her out, walking beside her to the elevator. "Is Diana okay?" I ask quickly, pausing beside her when we reach the doors.

"Yeah, Diana is, you know, physically okay. The team got there and we did our magic and Lindsay betrayed Cat and gave up Diana and the team is on their way back with her now," Penelope throws her arms around me, weeping with joy. "Amelia, it's all over. Diana is safe, Spencer is home, everyone is good. It's over."

I sigh into her shoulder, smiling. "Yeah, it's over."

"Whoa, I wanna join in this hug!" We hear JJ's voice from the elevator, and in just a second, she's joined our hug and thrown her arms around the two of us. We laugh, hugging her waist and accepting her into our circle. "Oh, I love you girls. And I can't wait for when things settle down and we can get Tara and Emily and Lisa and Monica and all go out for a girls night. But for now, Amelia, go get him."

I lift my head and I immediately lay eyes on Spencer. He's sitting on the floor beside the glass doors of the bullpen, knees pulled up to his chest and his sobriety medallion in his hand. I give a smile to the girls and unravel from them, heading over to my solemn boyfriend.

I sit on the floor between his bent legs and cross my own legs, grabbing his free hand and intertwining our fingers. He barely even responds to my touch and he just keeps his eyes on the floor. I reach forward and tuck my fingers under his chin, lifting his gaze until it reaches mine. His eyes look dull and he's truly never looked more exhausted. I thought he looked utterly exhausted when he got out of prison this morning, but now it's the middle of the night and he's been working and stressed all day, and the exhaustion is settling in.

His eyes meet mine and I try to give him a smile. "I'm proud of you," I tell him. "I knew you could do it. You saved your mom."

Spencer just stares at me for a moment before he looks down again, and when he shifts his body a bit, my hand falls from his chin. "It was really hard," he whispers. "She was working with one of the correctional officers at my prison, and he managed to get my FBI file with confidential information in it."

"I'm sorry," I whisper back, placing my hands on his knees. "I'm sure that--"

"And she brought you up," he blurts out. "You're in my file because we've been together for an extended time so you’re required to be in there for protection purposes and she brought up your name and I just-- I like, I freaked out. She spoke so horribly about you. She said terrible things about you to throw me off but she doesn't even know you! How could she say those things?" He rambles on, getting more and more worked up.

"Sweetheart," I keep my voice quiet and calm, "you just said it yourself. She was saying it to throw you off. She doesn't know me. She knows absolutely nothing about me. You surely don't think I'm horrible and terrible and that's all that matters. So ignore what she thinks, okay? She's a psychopath."

Spencer looks up at me with red eyes. "She's pregnant." He states a bit too abruptly. "She told me the baby was mine to try to get me to break.”

My eyes widen. "Excuse me?"

"And she tried to tell me that when Lindsay dosed me in Mexico, that Lindsay, you know--" Spencer gulps, "got my DNA. And Cat tried to tell me that she had Lindsay pose as you to get me in the mood."

"But that's not true. That didn't happen," I shake my head, moving closer to him, wrapping my arms around his shoulders. Spencer buries his face in my neck, hugging my waist.

"But I have no way of knowing that. I'm still missing time. She still might have tried to do that. Lindsay might have posed as you," Spencer whimpers and that's a sound that will always break my heart.

"Spencer, listen to me," I pull away again and hold his face in my hands with a delicate grasp. "Cat's ass is still in prison. Lindsay's ass is on her way to life in prison. You're out of prison and you're going to be able to live the rest of your life as a free man. And you saved your moms life and you're about to see her. Those women are out of your life forever, okay? I know it's really hard, but you should try to not even think about them," a small smirk comes to my face. "The only woman you should be thinking about is me."

Spencer chuckles lightly, shaking his head. "You're incredible."

I hold my hands out in a shrug, grinning. "Which is why I should be the only woman you have on your mind. And also the only woman you're having babies with. Spence, we'd have the cutest babies."

He laughs again and lets his head fall back against the wall, staring me up and down. "We would have some cute kids, wouldn't we?"

"The absolute cutest! Genius babies who can read eighty thousand books a day while painting a landscape with their right hand and drawing a bowl of fruit with their left hand. And they--"

"They're here!" Penelope exclaims, running out of the bullpen and waving her phone in the air. "Emily just said they parked and they're coming for the elevator!"

Spencer jumps up to his feet without a second thought or hesitation, and with a second thought, he holds out his hand to help me off the floor. And I keep my hold on that hand, squeezing tightly. JJ and Penelope move to either side of us, and when the elevator doors pop open, I feel Spencer's body tense up.

It's obvious that as Diana steps out of the elevator, she doesn't recognize Spencer. She doesn't recognize any of us, even though JJ has visited her many times and I've visited Diana countless times over the years I've been dating Spencer. And so I squeeze his hand tighter but I know that this is not how he wanted this to go. He wanted to just hug his mom and get the physical affection that he didn't really get as a kid. But she isn't lunging at him and now he's starting to tremble in my embrace.

Emily leans over to Diana and whispers, "It's Spencer," and that's all it takes. Diana looks once more at her son before gasping and the moment she does, Spencer releases my hand and throws his arms around her.

It's the most relieved I've seen him since before this entire ordeal, and I can confidently say it's also the most relieved I've been. I see Spencer smile over Diana's shoulder, his eyelids squeezed shut. "Hi, Mom."

The team starts to disperse to give them their space and to relax after the ridiculously long day. I give everyone tight hugs, thanking them for all their hard work and giving half-assed apologies for how horrible I was acting towards them. I know that no apology will excuse how I acted while Spencer was incarcerated, but I have to try, right?

"Amelia," after a while, Diana comes to give me a hug, letting Spencer breathe for just a split second. "It's good to see you, honey."

"It's good to see you too," I hug her waist. "How are you feeling? Is there anything you need?"

Diana glances between the two of us, shaking her head slowly. "I'm just-- I'm tired,"

"Okay, Mom, well, why don't I get you back to my apartment so you can rest?" Spencer suggests, reaching to wrap his arm around her waist to support her weight.

Diana gives me a side-eye and I return her look. "Actually," she says, putting her hand on his shoulder, halting him from walking her towards the elevator, "Amelia and I had something we wanted to talk to you about."

Spencer narrows his eyes at me and when I wave the two along to one of the interview rooms, he doesn't put up a fight. Maybe he's too tired by now, or maybe he's genuinely interested in what we could possibly have to say. But either way, he ushers his mom onto a couch and then stands a few feet away as I fall into an armchair. He glances between the two of us, then crosses his arms protectively over his chest. "What's this about?"

Diana immediately looks to me to explain, clutching the cardigan around her shoulders. "Okay," I breathe out, turning my head to my confused and concerned boyfriend, "it's no secret that a lot of people, me included, were not fond of Diana living at home with you. So while you were away, I spent some time looking at facilities around here that would take Diana in, and there's one that's ten minutes away from here. I called them when you were working and they said that they would be happy to let Diana move in tonight."

"Spencer," Diana reaches for Spencer's hands and he happily gives them to her, "this is going to be good. I've always wanted to be close to you. This way, you can visit me more often and you don't have to spend money on flights and hotels. Maybe I can get out to see one of Amelia's art exhibits. I don't want any more experimental medicine, honey. I wanna be close to you and to be comfortable and to be happy."

Spencer pouts and he starts to tap his foot on the floor. He's nervous, and rightfully so. He's about to give his mom up again, right after she was abducted by a serial killer team. He looks from his mom to me, then back to his mom, and then to me again. "Did you go to the facility?"

"Yes, sweetheart. Me, Diana, and Cassie went a while ago and we all liked it," I tell him. "She'll be a ten minute drive and a six minute train ride away instead of a five hour plane ride. You can see her every single day if you wanted to."

"And," Diana grins, glancing between us, "when you two get married and have babies, I'll be right here to help you with it."

Spencer lets out a shaky breath, nodding his head hesitantly. "Okay. Let's go."

///

Spencer and I wave goodbye at Diana and then go heading off to my car, hopping in and I start the ignition. I let out a loud yawn, covering my mouth as I buckle my seatbelt. I feel Spencer's hand in my hair and it makes me smile, and as the ridiculously long day comes to a close, I find myself more and more excited to crawl into bed. And then upon further thought, I get even more excited to crawl into bed with Spencer at my side.

"Do you want me to drive?" Spencer asks, dragging his hand to my jawline. "You look exhausted."

"Oh, you should see yourself, bub," I quip, turning on my headlights. "I'll be fine. It's just a ten minute drive back home."

"Hey, wait," Spencer says, reaching for my hand on the wheel. I turn my head to him, smiling tiredly. "Um," he returns my tired smile, "I just wanted to say thank you for doing this. For, you know, finding a facility for my mom. It means a lot to me to know that you care so much about her."

"She's your mom, Spencer. Of course I care about her. I just wanted to help out and make everyone's lives easier," I shrug gently.

"And also," Spencer drops his voice to a whisper and looks down at his voice, "I wanted to thank you for not abandoning me. I don't-- well, I don't have a lot of people in my life and people have a habit of leaving me after they've been around me for a while. But you've stuck with me through the craziness with my mom and through my arrest and through prison when I'm sure there's plenty of guys who are banging down your door and you could--"

"Oh god," I grimace at the thought. "Dr. Reid, I don't wanna be with anyone else but you. I thought I made that clear before. Remember? Sitting in the hallway? We're getting married and having babies, remember? You're my first and only boyfriend and I don't want any other asshole guy who's gonna swoop in and think they're a Know It All. Why would I want a fake Know It All when I have the read deal Know It All right here?"

Spencer chuckles and he turns his hand to intertwine our fingers. "Thank you for waiting for me. And thank you for even coming to the prison. JJ said you were a bit too scared to come in so I appreciate you coming at all."

I choose not to comment about that. It's not the time to talk about this. It's not the time and not the place. We're exhausted and Spencer is fragile and while he needs to eventually talk to someone about his time in prison, it probably shouldn't be me and it probably shouldn't be at 3 am in a parking lot.

"I'll always be waiting for you," I smile in an attempt to move on from that topic of conversation, and when my phone buzzes in my pocket, I quickly pull it out to find Penelope calling me. I just miss the call and see that she already called me three times. "Oh, that's weird."

"Call her back," Spencer says, leaning over my shoulder. "And put it on speaker."

I dial Penelope's number and put my phone on speaker. She picks up after only half a dial tone. "Thank god!" She exclaims. "I feel like I've been calling you for my entire life!"

"My phone was in my pocket, sorry. What's up? Is everything okay?"

"No!" She shouts, and just her sharp tone of voice makes me panicky. "Are you with Reid?"

"I'm right here. On speaker. Garcia, what's going on? Is the team okay? Is it Lindsay or Cat?"

Penelope goes on the explain how Morgan got a text from Penelope about a safe house Spencer was supposed to stay at. It was all completely fake and due to Penelope's super skills, she figured out that her phone number was duplicated by none other than Mr. Scratch himself.

"The team drove out there but it was a trap!"

"Scratch's traps have traps, Garcia, we know that. They should've been prepared. Are they okay?" Spencer's voice gets louder as he gets more nervous.

"Not really. The house wasn't rigged. The street on the way was. There were road spikes and he was watching for when they came. And after they hit the spikes, a truck came and hit them. They all have to go to the hospital. Luke is okay and he's driving me to the hospital right now, and Matt Simmons is here too. But Tara's in shock, Rossi hurt his leg, JJ has glass in her forehead, Emily dislocated her shoulder, and Stephen is-- he's--"

Spencer and I exchange a downcast look as we understand what she can't say. Stephen is dead and it's all Scratch's fault. This man has been terrorizing this team for years and now he's killed a member of their team.

"Okay, Penelope," Spencer murmurs, "we're on our way to the hospital now. Keep us updated." Despite the fact that my phone is in my hand, Spencer hangs it up. He takes it from me and places it into the cup holder, then replaces my phone with his hand. "Amelia," he whispers, "do you want me to drive?"

Silently, I nod. I climb out of the driver’s side and practically waddle to the passenger side, sinking into the seat that Spencer was just in. He starts the engine and drives off, calmer and gentler than I had imagined he would be.

"I'm sorry," Spencer eventually breaks the thick silence, glancing over at me. "I know you liked Stephen and I'm sure you guys got really close the last few months."

My head slowly swivels to him, and I find that, as he should be, he's not looking at me. His eyes are locked on the road and focusing extra hard since it's the middle of the night. But I'd rather have it that way right now. "I'm--" I hesitate before I speak, but I know that now I've opened my mouth, I've sealed my fate, "I'm a horrible person."

I see Spencer furrow his eyebrows. "Huh?"

"I'm a bad person, Spencer, because I'm only kinda upset that Stephen is dead. I'm upset because--" I hiccup, my eyes widening as I try to speak. "Every time I see a dead cop or a dead agent, all I think about is how that could've been you. That dead agent could've been my boyfriend, dead in the field and I'd have to be the one called in to identify his body. I can't imagine how Monica and her kids are going to feel but I just always think about how I'd feel if I was woken up by that call that you were killed in the field.”

"You won't," Spencer answers with a stubborn shake of his head. "I'm careful in the field. I don't want you to worry about me, Lia. I’m gonna be fine.”

///

I can't remember spending much time in emergency rooms. But in the time that I have, they were never this chaotic. There are people everywhere and I'm surprised it's this busy on a Wednesday-into-Thursday at 4 am. But Spencer grabs my hand and takes charge, marching right up to a doctor and demanding he knows where the Behavioral Analysis Unit agents are. And I have to admit, despite how distressed I am, he looks incredibly sexy taking charge like that. But the doctor answered him and pointed to a certain section for the BAU.

"Amelia," JJ sighs of relief as she sees me, reaching a hand out and I quickly grab it, giving her the support she's looking for, "thank you for coming. I'm sure you're so tired--"

"Shh, shh, stop, don't worry about me," I coo, taking on her usual role of the mother figure. "Are you okay? Do you need anything?"

"Um," a few tears fall down her cheeks and she quickly wipes them away, "I haven't called Will yet and--"

"I did that in the car on the way over here, don't worry. He's on his way over," I tell her, fixing the wrapping on her ice pack so it isn't falling off anymore. JJ nods, relieved, and relaxes more into my touch. "Me and Spencer are both here so if you need anything, you just ask either of us, okay? Don't hesitate."

JJ nods, wrapping her free arm around my waist to give me an awkward side hug. "Thank you so much. Go check on everyone else. Emily is right over there and Rossi is refusing treatment, I think."

"Okay, I'll check on you later," I give her one more smile before heading off towards Emily's gurney. She's laying down and her shoulder is covered by a pile of dressings and her face is full of little cuts and bruises. Her eyes widen when she sees me and she reaches her uninjured arm for me. "Hi, Em. Do you need anything? Are you okay?"

"Amelia," Emily chokes out, and just from the way she speaks, I can see that she's in an intense amount of pain. "You should--" she hisses in pain, "should take Reid and go home. He deserves to go home and so do you. You're both exhausted and just got out of prison and you're--"

"We're here to help, Emily. We're not going anywhere until we know you guys are okay," I adjust the ice pack that's on her head and her eyelids flutter, and as badly as I do wish I could take Spencer home, I know that we need to be here to help everyone.

"Go help Rossi. He's being a little bitch about this," Emily responds, making me laugh. "I've got more balls than him. I'm fine. Go."

I laugh at Emily, shaking my head at her stubbornness, but nod nonetheless. I turn on my heel and start to head towards Rossi's little room but before I can get there, I run right into Spencer and Luke.

"Is Dave okay?" I ask, glancing between the two men who tower over me. "JJ and Emily are beat up but they're pushing through."

"Rossi needs us to go back to the BAU to get something for him," Luke says, holding up his car keys. "Me and Reid are heading back now."

My head snaps over to Spencer, eyes widened. Of course, I should have expected this. Why did I think that we would just show up here to help Spencer's teammates and not expect him to get roped into some kind of work? It was a stupid expectation, to be honest. Almost the entire team is down and Scratch is clearly very close to them. They need all hands on deck.

I just nod slowly, letting out a sigh. "Okay. Just be careful, please. Be really, really careful."

"We will be," Spencer nods back at me. He turns to leave, but before he can leave, I grab his wrist. "Amelia," he swivels his head, "we need to go."

"Just," I hold out my pinky, "humor me."

Spencer smiles softly, wrapping his pinky around mine. "We're just going back to the BAU. We're gonna be fine."

"Please let me know when you get there. And if you leave the building," I squeeze his pinky in mine before releasing him completely, waving him away with Luke. And so, I'm left with four injured FBI agents after an attack from an escaped serial killer, and a boyfriend who clearly has PTSD and hasn't slept or eaten in almost two days. I sigh, turning to look in Dave's room, then at JJ and Emily. "Great. Just great."

///

"Will just got here?" Emily asks, adjusting the strap of her sling, her arm now popped into its socket.

"Yeah, he's with JJ now. I think they said they were gonna--" I'm cut off when my phone starts ringing in my pocket. How is this thing not dead yet? I see that Penelope is calling and I swear, for a moment, I don't even want to pick up. She never has anything good to say. "Hi, P. How's it going?"

"H--Hi," she stumbles over her words, sounding a bit distant. "So, um, I'm at the BAU with Matt Simmons and Spencer is here too and Luke went to get Monica, but, um, I think you should come here."

Emily can hear my phone and she gives me a confused look, which I immediately return to her. "Why? Is Spencer okay?"

"He's just--" Penelope pauses. "We all got to work when we got back and he took on a lot of work and then he kicked me and Matt out of the conference room so he could be alone because he said he couldn't focus and he's just getting really frustrated and he looks so angry and-- Amelia, I feel like you're the only one who can bring him down to Earth."

Emily nods in agreement, gesturing towards the door as if to tell me to go. I feel bad leaving the team in the hospital without anyone to help them, someone who's not a nurse, but Spencer is my main priority right now. So I tell Penelope that I'll be there as soon as possible and go rushing out of the hospital and out to my car for the millionth time today.

///

The elevator doors open and the first thing I notice is how quiet the sixth floor seems. I'm so used to it bustling with people who have agendas and schedules and meetings. But now it's the middle of the night and everyone is home resting, where I wish I could be with my boyfriend.

I pull open the glass doors and find Penelope working on a desk with a man beside her, someone I've never seen before. She looks up when I enter, sighing a breath of relief. "Thank god you're here," she gestures towards the conference room where Spencer is furiously pacing and is clearly talking to himself, waving his hands back and forth. "He's only gotten more worked up since I called you."

"You're Amelia?" the man steps forward, holding his hand out. "I'm Matt Simmons."

"Yeah, Amelia," I nod, shaking his hand politely with a tight smile. "I'm Spencer's girlfriend. I believe I've heard him mention in the past before actually. You have four kids, right? Bless your--"

I'm completely cut off by a loud banging, and the three of us look up in time to see Spencer hurling a book at the glass panel in the conference room. There isn't even a moment of hesitation before we're rushing towards him, pushing open the door and approaching him.

"B-CAP," Spencer states, his hands digging into his eyes. He starts rattling off something about what this plant is, where it's from, and how to find it. Matt responds and Spencer nods, and there's no chance I'll understand what they're talking about, but that's not my main focus. Spencer drops his hands from his eyes and then glances between the three of us. "Why are you staring at me?"

"You," Penelope whispers, "you throw a book at a window. It was jarring."

"Yeah, well," Spencer scoffs, turning his back to us, "it took me thirty minutes to deduce what should have taken me thirty seconds. And if Scratch gets away and more people die because of it, then I'll be throwing a lot more than books," He leans his hands against the conference table and hangs his head, taking labored breaths.

I quickly usher Penelope and Matt out of the room, closing the door behind them. Penelope gives me a concerned look over her shoulder but I just give her a smile in return. Nothing can provide comfort right now, but I'm really trying.

Spencer hasn't moved when I turn back to him so I creep forward and reach for his waist. The moment my fingers make contact with his body, he completely jumps out of his skin and cowers away from me, as if he hadn't even realized it was me touching him.

I retract my hands as he backs away from me, holding them up in the air so he can see there's no foul play going on. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry," I apologize quickly. "I just-- I just wanted to help. I'm sorry, I didn't think you'd--"

"I can't let him get away!" Spencer is shouting again, waving his hands around frantically. "He's been getting away for too long! He's so close and I can let him--"

"Dove, I know it's hard," I step closer to him and when he doesn't cower away again, I move closer again. "I know you wanna catch Scratch and you absolutely will. But you need to rest. You haven't slept in who knows how long, you haven't eaten, you haven't showered, you haven't changed your clothes. You--" I let out a breath and just gently hold my hands out to him in the hopes that he'll grab them, and when he doesn't, I keep them there as a silent, continuous invitation, "you're a little burnt out, Spence. I know you wanna work and that you wanna help your team, and I admire you for that, but--"

"Rossi reinstated me," he tells me stubbornly, a switch flipping him back to seriousness and away from fear as he walks back over to the whiteboard. "In the hospital, he said I'm fully reinstated for right now and that I need to help out. I'm doing what he asked."

"Spencer," I snap, crossing my arms over my chest, "Rossi was fucking delirious. JJ told me that he told you to get tickets for a baseball game."

"It was code," Spencer retorts, picking up the book from the floor like it wasn’t the object he took his aggression out on and starting to read. "I'm not stopping."

"Fine," I give up, marching over to him, taking the book out of his hands and putting it aside, "keep working then, but I'm not leaving."

Spencer's face solidifies and he gets serious again. "You should leave. You haven't slept or eaten either and--"

"I'm not leaving until you leave. So I'm gonna get on this fucking table and go to sleep and you can join me if you'd like. But I'm not leaving you, Spencer, I told you that. I'm not abandoning you," and with that, I strip off my coat and climb on top of the conference room table, balling up the coat like a pillow and laying down. And with the crazy events of the day, I fall asleep right away, despite being on a table and despite having my unhinged boyfriend in the same room.

When I eventually wake up again, I'm in a different room. I'm not laying on a hard table but instead, I'm in an interview room on a couch. It takes me a moment to get used to my surroundings, but when I do I realize that I'm covered by Spencer's suit jacket and that my hand is clutching his sobriety medallion.

His absence quickly dawns on me and I gasp, sitting up and rubbing my eyes. I search for my phone to check the time and realize it's not on me so I stumble out of the interview room and towards Penelope's office. But before I can even get there, I find her wandering towards the elevators with her heels in her hand and her phones in her other.

"Amelia! You're awake!" She exclaims, grinning. "Come! The team is just coming up."

"What did I miss? What happened? Where's Spencer?" I ramble on tiredly as she drags me away.

"We got a hit on where Scratch was. Spencer, Luke, Matt, Emily, and JJ all went to the warehouse that he was at. They're coming back," she says as we pause in front of the elevators.

"Did they get Scratch?" It wasn't a necessary question. Penelope would have led with that information if it were true. I knew they wouldn't have captured Scratch. It's too easy. She doesn't answer.

The elevator doors open and the team files out in their kevlars with their guns on their hips, and Spencer comes out last. He gives me a tiny smile, his hands tucked in his pockets. He doesn't even make an effort to hug me when he approaches me, just stands close enough that I can feel his breath on me.

"Don't you ever," I sneer, pointing my finger at him, "leave to chase a serial killer without telling me. Don't you ever do that again."

Spencer nods shamefully, chewing his bottom lip. "You were so tired that I thought I could get there and back without you waking up. I almost did."

I breathe in a long breath, shaking my head. "You were close. I woke up two minutes ago," Spencer nods in response, staring down at the floor. Everyone is walking away now, discarding their vests and guns and reaching for their car keys. "Can--" I gulp, "can I hug you?"

Spencer nods and pulls his hands out of his pockets, sliding them around my back and pulling my body flush against his. I hug his waist tight, and despite the harsh lines of the kevlar, I melt into his embrace and close my eyes. Spencer rests his head on the top of mine, starting to hiccup as tears stream down his cheeks. "Amelia?"

"Yes, my dove?" I quip in response.

"Can you bring me home now?"

I let out a breath. A breath that releases all the bad energy and all the horrible events of the past few months. Because even though Scratch has escaped, the BAU will catch him, there's no doubt of that. But my Spencer is coming home finally, and he's here to stay.

"It would be my absolute pleasure."

  TAGLIST

@babybloodstonebones @bxnnywriting @blameitonthenight21 @feralreid @anepiphany @reidscardigan @itsmyblogandillreblogifiwantto @4x24 @whollytaciturn @thegingerfairchild @yasminwashere @shrimpyblog @anamelessfacelessnerd​ @wonderlandhatter​ @whxt-to-write​ @inkandexchange​ @just-call-me-non​ 

[remmyswritings]

Knots for Nott// theodore “teddy” nott x reader

HELLO MY BEAUTIFUL PUFFS! I figured I’d share with you my first of two requests that I wrote/will be writing today. Thank you @booksmusicteaandanimals​ for the AMAZING IDEA!!! The main idea: Theo and the reader communicate through knots. Anyway, I hope y’all enjoy this!!!

tag list: @booksmusicteaandanimals​, @curious-curios​, @summer-writes​, @willowbleedsonpaper​, @strawberriesonsummer​, @jenniweaslee​, @cherrycolakxsses​, @peeves-a-legend​, @heart-of-tempered-steel​

*Not my image, found on Unsplash*

Even after being with Theo for the past 7 years and having been engaged for the past year, you still couldn’t quite believe how it is that the two of you got together. You could still remember how you first caught Theo’s attention all those years ago.

It was already the middle of your 5th year and to help keep yourself calm with all the changes Umbridge was making you started tying different knots on small pieces of string and making braids with them. You had first started making them for yourself, but then your roommates saw them and asked if they could have some, which then led to other students (some who you didn’t even know) asking for you to make some as well. You couldn’t really say that you had created a business since you never made students pay but sometimes you were given something in return, whether it was notes, handmade items, even food (especially from Honeydukes… you had a HUGE sweet tooth). One day, however, you decided that you would share your special knots with even more students, you couldn’t help it with your Hufflepuff nature. And that, gals and guys, is how you meet Theodore Nott.

You had packaged up the knot which was all green and told the owl, “Send this knot to a Slytherin.”

Turns out, the owl hadn’t heard the word “knot” instead they heard the name Nott. At least that’s what you think occurred. Which resulted in Theodore Nott receiving a random package one Wednesday morning, with a little note attached, “I hope you enjoy this knot as much as I enjoyed making it! - The Knot Puff”

Theo pulled out the ivory green knot and couldn’t help but admire the design. You had made a simple knot, one typically used to start braids, and wrapped one string around the other in an infinity design until you close the design with a bowline knot. There was still some string left over, just enough for him to tie the design to his bag, which is exactly what he did. Then Theo went on his way, looking down at the way the green knot stood out against his caramel colored bag. For the next week or so, he waited hoping for another knot from you. He no longer cared if you had sent it to him by mistake, he just hoped that another package would somehow make its way to him.

Blaise, noticing the change in his behavior, tried to figure out why he cared so much about the post. That is, until he saw the design hanging off of his bag. Unlike Theo, Blaise had the chance to partner with you in class before and knew exactly who the knot belonged to. So as to bring more smiles to Theo’s face, Blaise decided to send you a letter… only he sent it to you under Theo’s name and not his own.

While he knew that you were rather smart and observant, he didn’t realize that you would recognize his handwriting. So he couldn’t help but be shocked by the response that you had sent Theo, along with another knot.

“Dear Blaise,

Yes! I know it’s you, don’t think that just because we were only partners for the first couple of months in Potions I wouldn’t recognize your handwriting when I saw it. I mean, honestly, I’m a bit disappointed you didn’t recognize a fellow observant person. And while I appreciate the sentiment of your letter, please don’t you ever do that again, because I swear to god I will stuff a quill up your ass and make sure it stays there. 

Now Theo, I’m happy knowing that you enjoyed my knot. And while I’m sad you never sent me a letter in response, I could understand why. I don’t typically share my identity with students who receive my surprise knots, but I will with you. My name is Y/N Y/L/N, I’m a fifth year Hufflepuff, and sadly enough I had to deal with your friend Zabini for the first half of the year in potions. I will happily make you more knots if you want, just send me a letter!

Love,

The Knot Puff”

Theo couldn’t help but slap Blaise on the back of his head lightly, “Why’d you have to go and write to her?”

“Please, I was doing you a favor,” Theo continued to glare at him, “Ok, it was more like I was doing myself a favor. You wouldn’t stop moping when you wouldn’t get a package so I figured I’d make sure that she’d send you one.”

Theo looked down at the small knot that you had sent him and couldn’t help but smile. This time it was a golden yellow, the color typically associated with your house. He went and tied it next to the first one he had received from you and couldn’t help but feel giddy at the fact that he’d be able to receive more from you.

He thought about it and decided to write to you straight away. The letter was rather simple, but then again so was he. All it said:

“Thank you for the yellow knot. It complements the green one I got very well. I was wondering if you had any light pink colors that you could use to make the next one. That was my mother’s favorite color. -Teddy Nott”

And that’s how your relationship started. It was slow but extremely sweet. You weren’t sure when, probably another time when Blaise pushed Theo, but it went from sending letters and knots to getting Butterbeer at The Three Broomsticks and teaching him how to actually make all your designs at night in either the Slytherin or Hufflepuff common room. There were times when the two of you would act, as Blaise called it, all “lovey-dovey” to the point where he would groan in frustration at the two of you. 

When that would happen, you would merely send him a look, “You know, if I remember correctly it was your idea to send me a letter in the first place so you can’t go around and complain about us being in a relationship now.”

You couldn’t wait to finally be able to call your Theo your husband. You fixed the knots that you had made for today, wrapping them around your wrists as bracelets. There were three: a yellow, a green, and a light pink. The best part was that Theo didn’t even know you were doing this, you got to surprise your love once again on your wedding day. 

As you stared at yourself in the mirror, you saw a head pop into the room through the reflection. It was the man who started this relationship in the first place.

“You ready to go darling,” Blaise stepped into the room with his black suit all prepared and a little pink rose sticking out of his suit.

You could only nod feeling a rush of emotions go through you as you realized that it was time for you to walk down the aisle.

Blaise saw straight through you, “Y/N I know you are probably feeling a lot right now, but I need you to hold those tears in till later because Theo would probably kill me if he saw you crying before you finished walking down the aisle.”

“Oh please,” you sniffled, “We’ll both be sobbing by the time we get to the altar, and besides I know for a fact you are going to shed a few tears yourself.” You smirked.

Blaise walked you out of the room you were in and down the stairs, leading you to the backyard of the house you were in. After everything that had happened, you and Theo had decided on a small wedding consisting of close friends and family. Your friends like Hermione, Ginny, and Luna had come alongside their partners and Theo’s friends like Draco and Daphne Greengrass had also come with their partners. If anyone had told you years ago that your two completely different friend groups would be all together in one venue, you would have laughed in their face. But the war and the pain that you all shared made you learn to move on and forgive one another for everything that happened. 

Just like you told Blaise, Theo and you had started sobbing before you had even finished walking down the aisle. Theo couldn’t help but cry harder at the knots that you had wrapped around your wrist. To him, they were so much more than just pretty designs, they were a symbol of how your relationship started and how much you loved one another, nothing could break the bond between the two of you. And in a way, it was all thanks to that fateful letter Blaise had sent that random Wednesday. 

[thisisthestoryofanotherus]

It’s Different 

Part 10 of Crash and Burn 

SERIES MASTERLIST

Summary:  You and Ashton were never on the best of terms, maybe since you guys were so similar: sarcastic, stubborn, protective and had a true love of art. After a misunderstanding and $200 on the line, you find yourself (fake) dating the campus’ most adored (and drooled after) art student… with friendships at risk and feelings emerging it was only a matter of time until the inevitable crash and burn

A/n: This can be read by itself or part of my Ashton social media au! This is nearly 2000 words but after being gone so long figured I needed to do something to bring this series back to life. And what better way to fix this series than with a long drabble hopefully tying things together? Next part will be up Wednesday! My goal is to have this finished by the end of the year so expect frequent updates! 

Also with this title couldn’t help but this of THIS SONG (and learn more about Jae lol) that I highly recommend! 

 As always lmk what you guys think and thanks for reading! -Lydia

You had never been so out of breath from one flight of stairs, unable to control your heavy breathing as you kicked Lisa’s door as your only means of knocking. One flight of stairs should be nothing (even if you could use more time at the gym, pssshhh like that was going to happen) but going up the stairs with the balancing act of snacks filling your arms made things difficult. Kicking the door one more time, your best friend finally opened her door.

“Would you not kick down my door? Gosh-OH you brought snacks!” Lisa practically screamed. She may act like a bad bitch, but it did not take very much to make her happy. Sometimes you just needed several bags of hot cheetos and some ice cream.

“Do you see any available hands? Move! My arms feel like they’re falling off from walking with all this! You just have to live on the second floor…you just thrive on my misery don’t you?”

She giggled as she held the door open, watching as you threw the various boxes and bags across her kitchen counter. Arms finally free, you collapsed onto the floor trying to catch your breath.

“Ugh I’m gonna die” you exclaimed, stretching your arms out above you.

“So overdramatic” Lisa simply rolled her eyes, organizing the snacks you so oh graciously brought. “So what are we watching?”

“Oh I’m fine with anything” you said, quickly standing and heading over to the couch, making sure to grab a handful of items with you.

                                                 ____________

You were now 6 episodes into the latest Netflix drama and before the next intro is able to start Lisa presses pause.

“WHHHAATTT ARE YOU DOING?!!” You scream. “It was just getting good!”

“We need to talk…” Lisa says, placing the remote on the coffee table and turning face you.

“About what? What is more important than finding out-“

“Y/n….we need to talk about Ashton”

You pressed your lips together and sat up, small remnants of the junk you devoured all night falling down your shirt onto the blanket in your lap. You knew this would come up eventually, just not after a cliffhanger like this. But even that shock factor wasn’t enough to distract your friend’s curiosity. Ashton, of course she wanted to know. Lately things have been…different. It has been nearly a month of your so-called relationship with Ashton. You guys had agreed on two weeks. Two weeks tops of letting the entire campus think you guys were “dating” after he kissed you at that party, saving you from the embarrassment of having your crush all over another girl while you stood there trying not to cry. You thought this might show him what he was missing out on, but the irony is you never even saw (or thought) much of Jae anymore.

Instead your time was spent almost exclusively with Ashton, not that you’d ever admit that. Both of you looking for small excuses to spend more time together. Something needed to be done with the project, studying for class, getting coffee, just wanting to see each other… All leading to hours of just enjoying the others company. The random drives to new restaurants he wanted to try, his dumb jokes, his smile, the way he would stay close, often grabbing your hand, all for show of course until his small touches became something natural… Now, it was weird if he didn’t grab onto your hand or pull you closer, even if you were sitting alone on the couch at his place watching a movie or painting. After the two-week mark, neither of you acknowledged this deadline. As you were approaching three weeks neither of you pulled away or called this off…whatever this was. Because honestly you had no idea. Any outsider believed you guys were the happy couple you pretended to be. In reality you knew this was nothing but pretend, but it felt so real. You almost wished he completely ignored you when he wasn’t forced to put on a show. Maybe then you wouldn’t be lost in this idea that maybe you guys were actually together.

The lines were becoming blurred, more obscure with every moment. Like last night. You didn’t notice the time as you both were crouched over your project, enamored in the painting to notice the sun had long gone down. Ashton refused to let you wander the campus at 4am to get to your place. Said you could just crash in his spare room. You didn’t miss how his hand lingered a little to long against your own as he handed you some clothes. How his bright eyes seemed to be screaming something as he gazed at you…saying something he refused to say aloud, before quickly saying goodnight and leaving the room. How sweet he was the next morning…waking you up with promises of pancakes and waffles from the café down the street.

With moments like this… you had no idea where you stood. How were you going to explain this to even your best friends when you didn’t know yourself?

“What’s going on between you guys y/n?” she asked you. Voice free of judgement, just concern.

“I-…..I don’t know” You sighed, lying back against the couch.

“What do you mean you don’t know?” She asked, placing her hand on you shoulder. “You know you can tell me anything. And I know there’s more going on than what you’re telling me-“

“Honestly Lisa nothing has happened! Without all of this I see him all the time between classes and our project..”

“Y/n you have known him since freshman year… meaning you have had dozens of classes together with him and you never saw him this much. I mean sure there was the whole ‘I hate you Ashton Irwin’ thing but-“

You laughed at this. If someone would have told you a month ago you would be “dating” you long term enemy you would have told them they were on crack. No one, especially you, would have expected the two people who couldn’t even be in the same room as each other without arguing would end up spending nearly every second together. Did you still find him infuriatingly annoying? Of course. BUT you also couldn’t help the feelings you had for him freshman year from slowly creeping yet again into your heart. And that was the most frustrating part of it all. Because just like back then, this was all bound to blow up in your face.

“Look Lisa you’re right. Things are different. Even more so than when he kissed me that night-and before you ask yes it was just the one time. I just don’t know how to explain it…it’s almost like it was back then when he was just there. Always. How I craved his company during the few instances he wasn’t there and just lost myself in him…but now it’s so much more complicated… I don’t know where we stand and I don’t want to know because once I do I know it’s me who’s going to be hurt.”

“Y/n that’s what I was afraid of when you said you were doing this. Last time you guys were this close it ended up with him hooking up with Chelsea and you heartbroken in bed for days. I don’t want to see you go through that again.”

You looked up at your best friend. Really you did not deserve her. Seeing the love and concern in her eyes made you feel the start of tears in your own.

“Give me some credit. I’m much more mature than I was back then…”

“Mmhmm. Says the same person who recommended this be a Disney marathon.” Lisa said, rolling her eyes.

“Hey! You are never too old for Disney movies” you laughed, hitting her shoulder.

“Just be careful ok?” She said giving you a serious look. You nodded and she picked up the remote pressing play once again.

                                              _____________

 You woke up to the sound of your phone ringing. Wondering who dare disturb you after staying up all night finishing season one of your new favorite show. About to turn the phone off, you found yourself sliding the answer button when you saw the word Ashton flash across your screen.

“Hello?” You said, voice quiet yet obviously laced with sleep as you turned to Lisa making sure she was still asleep.

“Are you still sleeping? You do realize it’s passed noon right? Even if it is Saturday” Ashton said sarcastically. You could nearly see his smirk you’d bet he had on right now.

“Shut up had a late night. What do you want?”

“You and Lisa party hard with them movies or what?” he chuckled. “Are you home? I forgot some of my brushes at your place and I need them.”

“And here I thought you missed my voice. Fine. I’m not home yet though give me a bit-“

“I have to drive over to your place anyway. I’ll pick you up. Give me like 10 minutes.”

“Well okay then…” you said to yourself as you stared at your now blank screen.

Sure enough ten minutes later you were climbing into the passenger seat of Ashton’s car.

“Good morning beautiful” Ashton teased.

“Shut up” You said, hoping your blush didn’t show just how affected you were by those words, even if he was obviously joking. I mean-your hair was a mess, clothes disheveled from sleeping in them and you barely had time to swish some mouth wash in your mouth to appear somewhat human.

Ashton simply chuckled instead of replying as he pulled the car into drive.

As you walked to your apartment you felt the familiar grasp of Ashton’s hand in your own. And when you reached your door, you couldn’t miss the small pout he had when you let go of his hand to search for your keys.

“I meant to take your brushes with me yesterday, even moved them over here…” You said, walking over to your shelf as Ashton locked your door. You crouched down, opening the bottom drawer searching for the bag you put his stuff in. “Ah! Found them!” You exclaimed as you quickly stood up, turning to show the prize in your hands.

However, you did not realize he was behind you, and just how close you turning around made you guys. Maybe it was the surprise of finding him right next to you. Maybe it was your sleep deprived state. Regardless you found yourself unable to move, breath escaping your lungs as you simply just stared up at him. His hazel eyes shining with the same question he had the last time. Your hand against his chest, his against your hip. You both slowly moving closer together, eyes moving from his deep gaze to his lips…

As quickly as it started, whatever trance you found yourself in abruptly ended with the sound of your phone ringing. You both jumped away from each other, surprise in both your expressions.

“I-um…should get that” You said, quickly grabbing your phone off the counter.

“Ya um, thanks for letting me get my things…I have this project...I’ll umm catch you later?” He said, running a hand through his hair and already walking towards the door.

“Sure” you said with a forced smile, answering the call of your best friend who no doubt was mad you left without telling her anything.

He gave you a small wave, closing the door behind him.

You released the breath you didn’t know you were holding as your friend screamed “where the fuck did you go?!”

[jayladankiah]

OKAY🌻-(long mental health post)

On October 10,2021 I woke up knowing that day was not going to be a good day for me. My spirit was really low. My mind instantly flooded with random questions and things that I was currently worrying or stressing about. Instant anxiety.

This whole year I had been fighting a losing battle with my anxiety and bipolar depression. This year I have really been tested as an adult out here without mom and dad. I’ve had so many L’s after L’s. I’ve cried entirely too much and kept everything too myself. I have lost bonds and grew away from people that were closest to me. This year has whooped my ass and molded me into a brand new person.

I was completely lost dealing with a lot of things by myself and it was only so much that my family or my fiancée could do for me. I thank the universe for abundance because I have been in and out of work all year dealing with my anxiety. I honestly don’t function around people and that bothers me because I like to call myself a peoples person when I work. I couldn’t do it. Anxiety attack after anxiety attack at every different job I got. I thought maybe it’s the job and I’d get another one but everything repeated.

I’d tell everybody that asked me was I okay yes every time. And every time I said it I made myself believe it even more. My mind allowed me to honestly believe that I was so I kept on pushing and lying and trying to be strong and figure a LOT of shit out on my own. Big mistake. Now mind you I was diagnosed with anxiety and bipolar depression in 2015 so this battle is not new to me. I am a cutter and was once on medication that I currently was not taking.

October 10,2021 I got so overwhelmed and so low that for the first time in years I picked up something sharp and actually wanted to cut myself. I stopped to think, where could I cut myself where my fiancée wouldn’t see it. Nowhere actually lol so I held onto the blade that I had. I was home alone fighting every demon that was in me at that very moment. I knew that if I stayed in that house by myself that blade would have pierced my skin somewhere. Too much on my mind,the emotional pain, I was never strong enough to bare it.

No I’m not suicidal,never have I been but the physical pain always took away every worry, question, doubt and pain on my mind. It was too much. I called my mom and told her I needed help. In all honesty I knew I just needed to finally get back on my medication and to vent. Not even just to anybody but finally to myself. I had a lot a childhood trauma that followed me into my adulthood. All of this trauma followed me along the years in cycles that I repeated many times so far in my life. I realized that I could not do this alone anymore. I admitted myself into a mental hospital on Sunday night.

I say that going there was the best and worst thing I could’ve done. I swear I felt like I was going crazy being “trapped” in there only 3 days lol Tuesday morning I snapped once again. This time I said some things to some people that I shouldn’t have. These things that I truly meant but not in the way that they came out.

I prayed so much and so hard that night. I did apologize but snapping out like that made me realize exactly what my issues were and why I was the way I was. Being there freed me from my mind in a way I didn’t know I needed. I allowed myself to soul search and answer all of the questions I had been avoiding. All of the things that didn’t necessarily happen directly to me really were the things that affected me the most. I acknowledged everything and everyone from my past that held a mental bondage over me… I let that shit GO !

I could no longer cry. I prayed and hoped that the way I snapped didn’t make them choose to hold me longer than Wednesday. I was released Wednesday evening and everything that was weighing on me when I entered no longer bothered me. I was back on my medication and was ready to talk to a therapist and the source of my trauma.

I wrote a letter and passed it on in hopes to soften the blow once the face to face conversation came up. It has yet to happen. I feel so much better today than I did on Sunday. I plan to take it one day at a time. All of my healing starts with me and I don’t expect anyone to acknowledge it or even understand it. I’m stronger today because I no longer run away from my problems. I know that everything that has happened to me this year has been sign after sign to face my problems and finally heal.

I can only move forward from here. I no longer have time for toxic relationships, family or friends. My mental health is more important than anything. Everything or anybody that is for me will be for me. I will never go without and I will never be alone. I am loved and I am moving on into discovering my true purpose.

Never have I been ashamed of myself in any kind of way. My battle with mental health has never been and will never be a secret. I have never been more sure of the woman I am growing into as I type all of this. Don’t mistake who you once knew me as for who I am today. I hope that this little story and the things I have experienced can help someone else. You never know what somebody is going through. You always should be kind to people, for their minds can be very fragile. Every day is a challenge but it’s not in me to give up. I wish anybody dealing with mental health issues nothing but love and light as you live each day.

🌻✨💜