#just like... do something with my clothing that isn't dysphoria related but instead try a little and have the euphoria and the style

[cawareyoudoin]

I think, despite all the hardships, right now I am genuinely so much happier than I've been since I was like 13.

I might actually try to be goth/emo. I think it would have helped in high school. I am this close to dying my hair black 🤏

[boydykedevo]

anyway my trans Devo headcanons:

He got a tonewheel for his birthday when he was 16, and that's where he learned what being queer was from Seldom's broadcasts. He identified as a lesbian pretty strongly for a while, but he always kinda knew that wasn't quite it. He was 17ish when he finally admitted to himself he was trans. (and once he started perceiving himself as a man more often, he realized he was bi -- he just hated the idea of being with a guy as a girl)

He's not a binary/monogender trans guy. BUT he is in heavy denial about it. He'll get there eventually...

Seldom gave him guy's clothes when he came to his school, but they're all very basic and colorless and boring. He was never a big fan of them. He didn't really come into his own with masculine presentation until Nermal's Pile; she lets him try out whatever he wants. He's still kinda feeling things out, but he's way happier and has a lot more fun with it now.

Hair length isn't strongly gendered in Founders' Wake, it’s more tied to practicality. Guidance always kept his at shoulder-length and never let him change it at all. He was growing it out after leaving, but after confronting Orlean in the infinite clam he had a breakdown and chopped it all off. Amber helped him tidy it up and he's kept it short ever since.

There's some sort of magic HRT in Founders Wake, but since magic is rationed he hasn't gotten on it yet. Seldom was helping him with it; he's on a waiting list.

His chest dysphoria used to be a lot worse, he did a lot of unsafe homemade binding back at the parish, which gave him chronic back pain. Seldom convinced him to stop and got him a proper binder. Even that he can't wear too often cuz of his pain. It sucked a lot at first, but he's started to make peace with his chest and his dysphoria isn't quite as bad. He still binds more than he probably should though.

He has a decent amount of bottom dysphoria, he packs pretty much constantly.

The name Damian is the one he first picked out when he was accepting himself, as a replacement for his birth name (not Devotion, the Cern one). But he started to really hate being called Devotion, and Devo was something he could spin as a nickname without raising suspicion. Guidance hated it and told people not to use it, but at least a few people did, so when it came time to pick a new name, he was attached enough to it he went with that instead of Damian Cern (also cuz his relationship with the Cerns is. complicated.)

(The Cerns do call him Damian, but Tolliver had no idea, he isn't exactly a part of family dinner. Last he heard he had some little sister who he’d never met. So when Devo was like "my real name is... Damian Cern" Tolliver's response was a cover for him internally going "what the fuck what the fuck since when do i have a relative named Damian hold on????? did i forget a cousin or something????????? oh my god this is humiliating" Devo does not clarify and Tolliver is too proud to admit to not knowing so it's a good couple weeks after that when he finally learns how exactly theyre related)

[uncanny-tranny]

Fingers crossed this is on anon!

Anyway. I think I'm in major denial. Figuring out labels has ways been hard for me and due to me knowing my family is not accepting of trans people, makes it harder.

I've always forced myself to be hyper feminine and it never felt right. Before a lot happened I was a very masc person. I'm learning to embrace that again. All my clothes are men's, I wear mens perfumes and deodorants, lotions, etc. Just those simple things make me beyond happy and euphoric. I dress very masc and it feels so me. I know clothing and such has no gender but you get what I mean. I feel like it's me. I grew out my body hair as I'm very hair for someone afab and I was ELATED because I looked like I had a Cis guys legs. I just want to be a guy. I found out recently that this terrible and sick feeling I get regarding my chest is the wonderful thing known as dysphoria/s. So I have chest dysphoria and I never knew it wasn't normal to get sick and have bad flutters when seeing your chest or knowing others see it...so there's that. I also have extreme dysphoria over periods and the idea of pregnancy horrifies me. Someone calling me a boy makes me have a rush of serotonin, but I'm too scared to use he/him pronouns. I got sad the other day knowing I could never be a biological dad because I'm afab...yeah anyway. I still am nervous to use the ftm label. What if I'm just a confused cis girl? I don't wanna be called a girl though. People saying stuff about how bad men are scares me too..I have a big worry of being a bad person and I've seen people especially terfs say shit like "don't become the enemy" and it hurts because I just wanna be myself and not be hated.

Sorry for the long ask. Any help is appreciated <3

It sounds like you're going through a lot in regards to this, and that can be very stressful to do (especially if you feel alone in it).

So, with regards to how you feel, I certainly empathize and really relate to everything you've said. For me, I was hyper-feminine in order to convince those (and by proxy myself) that everything was "normal" and that I was happy to be their little girl - even at my own expense. It was my tool and my shield, and it was really alienating. I truly disregarded how I felt in order to please the people around me and to keep them comfortable - I didn't want to rock the boat, after all. I get how you feel, friend, and honestly? All of my experiences taught me just how vital it is to live for yourself. And I think this is something you're starting to do. By doing the things that make you happy (such as wearing mens' clothing), I think you'll find that it's a little easier to accept who you want to be and who you are inside.

Something else I learned is that if you aren't comfortable in an identity, it most likely isn't who you are. If you're uncomfortable being seen/having to identify as a cis girl, that probably isn't the label for you! I get the paranoia surrounding this, though. I understand and empathize with how you feel, though I believe that you deserve to just let that fear go. If you find something that makes you happy, then that's more likely who you are! It made me so much more happy and calm and mentally well when I realized that I could just... be who I am instead of trying to force a round peg into a square hole by conforming to others' ideas of me.

And finally... nobody is "the enemy" with regards to being a man or being masculine-identified. That's a completely transphobic idea which honestly feels like a bad-faith interpretation of what it means to advocate for minorities' rights. Men aren't inherently predisposed to being awful people because that isn't how being an awful person works. Gender essentialism is not how we combat oppression, and it'll only come back to bite minorities. And it'll bite hard. We must advocate for each other, especially trans people. You aren't inherently a bad person because you recognize who you are. That is simply not how this works. You have a right to be you, and if that means you're a man, then that is okay.

And because I believe this is the same person who sent this anon:

I'm really proud of you! That's really special, and I hope this name is something that makes you happy! Never apologize for staying true to what makes you feel seen.

[queerrambles]

Hey, I saw that you gave advice about writing genderfluid characters some days ago. I am also writing a genderfluid character and that post was very useful, but I have a couple of more specific questions, if you don't mind.

Does the gender presentation also change with the gender? A genderfluid person may be very comfortable wearing a skirt and then suddenly feel the urgent need to change into a pair of jeans? Stuff like that?

This question is more general, not necessarily specific about genderfluid people but, since I rarely experience any dysphoria, I'm really not sure here. In this case it's a secondary character so, would it be okay if the MC casually mentioned something related to their agab? Nothing explicit, just, for example, say that this character usually wears turtlenecks to cover their Adam's apple?

You mentioned that there must be some scenes when the character doesn't know what gender they are/what pronouns are they using at the moment. I was thinking about maybe make this character wear something similar to pronoun pins. I'm writing a story with a large number of characters, so it would definitely be easier for everyone to know how to refer to them at every moment. If the character isn't sure what pronouns they prefer at the moment, then they would not wear any of this until they figure that out, correct?

Thanks and sorry for bothering you.

Hey! No need to be sorry, I love answering questions (especially when they have to do with one of my own queer identities!)

To help organize this post I'm going to do a little question-and-answer format just to keep my own thoughts in order.

Question 1: Does the gender presentation change with the gender?

Answer: It depends on the person! Some genderfluid people like changing their gender presentation to match their gender, but others just wear the same thing no matter their gender. I fall into the latter category. My day-to-day outfit, no matter my gender, is either sweatpants and a t-shirt or men's athletic shorts and a t-shirt. There are little things that I like to change about my appearance when my gender changes, such as maybe wearing a padded bra instead of a sports bra on my more feminine days, but otherwise my gender presentation is pretty consistent. I do occasionally paint my nails, but I will do that on boy, girl, and nonbinary days.

There are other genderfluid people that try to change their gender presentation to match their current gender, though, so you could really go either way with your character. If you do decide to make them change outfits to match their current gender, then I would recommend having them have a backpack of sorts with a change of clothes in it for when that happens.

Question 2: Is it okay for another character to casually mention another character's agab?

Answer: Yeah! As long as it's done in a respectful way and seems relevant to the conversation.

Question 3: If the character doesn't know their current preferred pronouns, then would they just not put on a pronoun pin?

Answer: Sounds good to me! That's what I would do when I have those moments (if I had pronoun pins, which, sadly, I do not). I basically do something similar on my main Tumblr blog, under my ✨currently✨ section. I'll put ✨currently hell if I know✨ or something similar :)

Let me know if you have any other questions! If any other genderfluid people want to add their thoughts, feel free to do so!