#just kidding it’s not crack! it’s opium

[hawkinsbnbg]

Eddie Munson wasn’t one who knew when to quit.

Eddie Munson was a lot of things, but he wasn’t one who knew when to quit.

He sold drugs when it was frowned upon because he wanted to help his uncle pay the bills. He did drugs because why the hell not?

He loved music that was too loud, he played games that were considered satanic, he wore his queerness as a badge of honor in the town that hated him.

He headed to hell, sacrificed himself for the kid he loved and people he barely knew, and survived the odds.

He graduated high school by tooth and nail, pursued his dream when everyone deemed he was a lost cause. He worked harder when being pushed down. He succeeded.

He made it big, achieved his dream, got fame and wealth at his disposal. He was notorious for the long list of flings left in every city he visited. He despised the snobs, bigots, and paparazzi.

He—

He tried to quit mooning over the beautiful man who had saved his life alongside the whole world. Who was the object of his desire and obsession. His dream and muse, his pain and yearning.

Who was the bane of his existence, the opium to the addict in his core. Dangerous and yet, lovely, irresistible.

Even so, he could never bring himself to ignore the monthly phone calls with Steve, listening to the warm voice that made his heart ache and flutter, checking in to make sure his boy was still safe in the town that he had left behind to go spread his wings.

Yes, his.

The moment Steve kissed him—shaky, tender, sweet—their souls had intertwined, bounded together for evermore.

Eddie couldn’t bring himself to deny it, that he had lost his heart to Steve Harrington since the first time he caught a glimpse of those pretty eyes and soft lips, wishing he could kiss them one day.

And then he did.

Back when their feelings were still new, fresh, tentative. They had done everything any young lovers would do upon having made it through an almost-apocalypse together.

They dove headfirst into each other. Touching, crying, kissing, laughing, and making love. They consumed, they devoured, they ignited.

And they crashed.

Eddie couldn’t stand being the town’s prime murder suspect even after the charge had been dropped.

Steve couldn’t bear leaving the only place he had grown up in, the place he had fought for with his life. He had people, friends who needed him there, who would miss him a terrible amount if he decided to leave.

But Eddie didn’t have such problems. His uncle didn’t rely on him the same way the kids did to Steve. His friends had left long before the ‘earthquake’ took place.

A label had sought him out after seeing his performance at The Hideout, offered him a good deal if he signed with them, and for the first time since his life had been turned upside down, Eddie saw hope.

He had talked with Steve about it. About leaving for a better future. About them making a life together somewhere outside the cursed town they had been unfortunately put in.

But it was a wistful thinking. Because sometimes, love was never enough. And sometimes, Eddie wasn’t the only scared one.

They parted. Tearful but surprisingly civil. They hadn’t been through so much just to lose each other over a mutual breakup.

Because Eddie still loved Steve.

And Steve still loved Eddie.

Simple as that.

"Don’t be hung up on me, Munson," Steve whispered to him, hugging him so tight that his healed ribs might crack again. Eddie didn’t think he would mind if it meant he could stay in this moment forever.

"I should be the one telling you that, Stevie," Eddie sniffled, hugging the boy he loved just as fiercely.

He suddenly didn’t want to leave anymore. Maybe he could apply for a position at the plant, asked Wayne for a recommendation. Or he could make do with the mine at the edge of the town, he heard they were hiring just the other day ago.

"Good luck, Eds," Steve pressed a kiss on his ear. "Don’t do drugs, don’t get in trouble, don’t be–"

"–stupid."

Steve laughed, tilting his head back and offering his pale throat for Eddie’s greedy eyes. The urge to lick, to bite, to leave a mark was strong, but Eddie just tightened his hold around Steve further, because the privilege wasn't his anymore.

"I was going for ‘cute’," Steve looked back at him, arms coming up to wrap around his neck, nails scratching the back of his nape teasingly, eyes light and twinkling with mirth. Eddie wanted to kiss him. "But I guess ‘stupid’ suits you just fine."

"Stop flirting," Eddie chided him half-heartedly, unable to resist it anymore and leaned in to peck the end of his nose.

Steve blushed, pretty and precious, before releasing him and finally stepping back. Too close and too far at the same time.

For a moment, they just stared at each other, and Eddie was thankful that their friends were considerate enough to give them some semblances of privacy after having said their goodbye.

Before Eddie could do something stupid like falling to his knees and begging Steve to go with him, the final boarding called for his flight.

"So this is it," he shrugged on his duffle and gave Steve a lopsided smile.

"Have a safe flight, Eddie," Steve squeezed his shoulder before stepping aside so the others could do the same.

As Eddie turned on his heels, he could feel Steve’s gaze trailing after him until he disappeared behind the gate.

"He kept asking me when would you come to Indianapolis, which was unfair because how could I possibly know that? And the dipshit just rolled his eyes at me with Aren’t you supposed to be his best friend or something? Then I had to set it straight with him that us being on the phone once a month doesn’t mean I’d know every deepest darkest secret about you."

Eddie felt his chest and stomach warm with fondness when Steve didn’t deny that they were best friends, didn’t insist that the position was for Robin only. Because Steve was cool like that. Because why on earth would he refuse to have two best friends who would go to hell with him?

Eddie bet if he looked at the mirror right now, he would see himself smiling like a lovesick idiot.

There was something so endearing about Steve whining to him about their kids and friends every time they talked.

It was as if they had been doing this their whole life. Talking about mundane things, asking about each other's days, chatting about everything and anything.

It would be awfully domestic if they lived together.

Eddie could imagine it, see it clearly in his mind.

Steve sharing the spaces with him, waking up in the same bed as him, standing in the kitchen wearing the Kiss the Cook apron, swaying to the songs from the radio, giggling cutely when Eddie smothered him with kisses, smiling warmly as they did the chores together, getting huffy and bitchy when they bantered, and humming softly to some random tunes Eddie just came up with.

Perhaps, they would all become his new reality if he took that first step.

Eddie Munson wasn’t one who knew when to quit, after all.

And for Steve, he would take a million steps to make them work this time.

"Are you sure, Stevie?" He asked.

"Sure what?"

"That you haven’t already known every deepest, darkest secret of mine."

He heard Steve take a deep inhale. Eddie smiled fondly. His smart boy, always knew him so well.

"Eddie..."

"I’m an adult now, sweetheart," he chuckled. "Gotta be the one addressing the elephant in the room when my boy is too stubborn to look at it."

"Don’t be silly," Steve said weakly, a bit breathless. Good to know Eddie still had that effect on him even after all those years.

"I can’t, Stevie," Eddie lowered his voice, like he was telling a secret. "Been silly for you since high school. Don’t think I can stop it now."

"I told you to move on."

"And I didn’t promise anything," Eddie bit back a laugh, knowing how frustrated Steve must be right now. "I tried. Haven’t you seen all of that?"

There was a reason Eddie did everything in his capacity to appear on the headlines most of the time. He wanted Steve to see him, to watch him, to be there for every little step he took, to be in his life as much as possible.

"... I have," Steve sighed, sounding more tired than dejected.

"So you know how hard it had been for me to find someone who could measure up to you," Eddie twirled a strand of his hair absently. "They always failed at the ‘having perfect hair’ part."

"Bet they didn’t know what Farrah Fawcett is, huh?"

"They just looked at me blankly when I told them to take better care of their hair," Eddie grinned at the lovely sound of Steve’s giggle.

"So," Eddie cleared his throat slightly and braved on when Steve quieted down. "My band’s final destination is Indianapolis. It’s a two-night stop. After that, I’ll take my well-deserved break in Hawkins for a few months, visit my uncle and our friends, and see if you’re gonna take me back."

"Eddie," Steve said pointedly. "We both agreed that it’s better for us to stay friends. And I don’t– I can’t watch you leave again. I’m not made for it."

"Baby," Eddie said softly, his heart breaking at the sound of Steve’s sharp inhale, like it was too much, like the word hadn’t been on the tip of his tongue every time they spoke. "Everything’s different now. Our kids are all in colleges, our friends have their jobs and families, and I think it’s time you allow yourself to live your life, Stevie."

"What are you trying to say here, Eddie?" Steve asked shakily.

"That I need you," Eddie poured out his heart. "I craved for you, missed you so much that it hurts me physically. All of my songs are about you and just for you. I’m obsessed with you, bewitched by you, my love. You’ve been in my mind for years now and I don’t think it’ll stop any time soon."

"C’mon, angel," he went on as Steve let out a small gasp. "I did everything you told me to. No drugs, no fights, no troubles. Haven't I been good enough?"

"Except you’re still hung up on me," Steve laughed softly, warmly.

"Yeah, I’m still an addict, after all," Eddie chuckled. "It’s impossible to quit loving you, baby boy."

"Me, too," Steve said after a while. "I'm still hung up on you, Eddie," his voice cracked as he admitted quietly, "still in love with you."

"Christ, we make quite a pair, huh?" Eddie chuckled, running a hand down his face.

"Tell me about it," Steve let out an amused huff.

In the next several minutes, they discussed what they would do when Eddie got back. And in return, Eddie promised to send everyone at home tickets and backstage passes so they could go see him once the show was over.

"I listened to them all, you know," Steve said amidst their conversation.

Eddie paused, feeling his heart somersault and pressing a hand on his chest to calm it down.

"I’m glad," he said, crooning, "'cause they’re my love letters for you, darlin'."

"Gosh, you’re such a sap."

He could hear the smile in Steve’s voice.

"Your sap," Eddie grinned so much that his cheeks hurt. "Only yours, baby boy."

"Guess you’re right," Steve giggled. "Can’t wait to see you again. My sappy poet."

It had been years since they last saw each other. At least on Eddie’s part, because he knew Steve had seen him plenty on the TV and in those magazines.

Eddie was relieved that they had been too stubborn to let themselves grow apart and still kept in touch to this day.

For being long-distance friends, they didn’t have a lot to catch up with except their pent-up feelings for each other.

Eddie looked at the framed candid photo of Steve on his nightstand.

In the shot, Steve was wearing his signature blue polo and snug jeans. Around his neck was a silver chain that carried Eddie’s guitar pick, tucked safely beneath his shirt.

He was watching the kids fooling around in the pool. Cold beer in his hands as he turned to Robin, whispering about anything he found funny like a cute gossip schoolboy.

Eddie’s boy.

Golden skin kissed by the sun. Hazel eyes sparkled with joy, like gemstones that tasted of warm caramel. Rosy cheeks, pouty lips, freckled nose. All perfect and divine under the bright daylight.

The photo had cost Eddie an arm and a leg when he asked to buy it from Jonathan.

It was worth every penny.

"Soon, angel," Eddie said softly. "I’ll be there before you know it."

Two days later, Eddie stood on Steve’s front porch with his luggage and rang the bell.

When Steve opened the door and saw him, a warm smile graced those pretty features.

"Hey."

There were no questions about why Eddie had returned earlier than planned. Because Steve knew Eddie was never good at the waiting game. And he had waited long enough for both of their sake.

"Hey yourself," Eddie smiled back, taking a couple of steps forward to erase the little distance between them.

As Steve tilted his chin up slightly to look at him, Eddie leaned down to peck the corner of that lovely mouth, resting his hands on the soft waist.

"I’m home, baby."

Naturally, Steve hooked his arms around Eddie’s neck and pressed their lips together—firm, tender, sweet.

Just like their first kiss.

"Welcome home, Eds."

[basic-bamboo]

More mouthwashing thoughts

Some things I love about mouthwashing is the subversion of tropes

I got the vibe that both Curly and Jimmy came from the same disenfranchised (probably economically) background. Their relationship started long before their jobs together at the Pony Express. This is classic, two impoverished kids work hard to improve their lot in life and their bonds if friendship/brotherhood help them do it.

Except it doesn't. Curly works hard and gets to the top of the ladder at Pony Express. But Jimmy? We've seen what it looks like when Jimmy has any responsibility. Jimmy likely needed every good word from Curly that he could get to get where he ended up. It is even stated in the game that he would not have been able to make co-pilot if it were not for the good word from Curly.

Traditionally, this trope is used to show that, actually, everybody has the capacity for good no matter where they come from and they can work hard to achieve anything. In this game, we see something that we don't see often in this type of media- some people are going to act badly and hurt other people and you can't just turn the other check. If you do nothing about the people in your life that hurt others, that bully and abuse, you are failing them- not just the abuser, but the victims. By standing by them, by falling back on brotherhood and the bonds of friendship, you end up complicit in the abuse they cause.

👁️

The other one I want to talk about it Swansea. Swansea is a classic "grumpy old man that talks about how he hates or is annoyed by the young guy he's stuck with, but is hiding that he cares deeply about them and wants better for them than the life he had." I think most people saw this coming a mile away. There is a twist though and I don't know if everybody caught it (or if I'm just making it up tbh). In one of if not the final scene between Swansea and Jimmy, Swansea reveals his backstory, how he saw his future and imminent destruction from his alcoholism and got cleaned up. This is also something we see a lot in media.

But Swansea then says something different. He may have started a family and got a job and done everything he was supposed to do to be an upstanding member of society, but the best times he ever had was when he was drunk. He knew the drinking would kill him, but it seemed like the sobriety was killing him too, just more slowly. Even his description when he cracked into the first bottle of mouthwash, that sobriety was like an angry, red cyst popping, like sobriety was a horrible burden that he was carrying, that was hurting him every day, that he was happy to be rid of it.

I think it's honestly a refreshing character choice. Sober characters, specifically characters that used to have active substance use problems and are now abstaining, are relatively new in media. There used to be the drunkard and the opium addict (which morphed into whatever drug was en Vogue at the time), caricatures of temperance, and "normal" people- people who maybe drank or whatever but it wasn't a problem for them and they certainly didn't cause problems for others. Now we have characters that used to drink/use, but they're sober now or they're trying to get sober and it's often one of the most important things about them. And it's been very important to have those characters! Taking the first step in showing that alcohol and drug users are multifaceted human beings

Swansea takes it a step further. Swansea is real and raw. He got sober. He did what he was supposed to do. He got a job, he started a family- and it all sucks. The world is awful and it's better viewed through drunk goggles. Sober life isn't all it's cracked up to be. People use for a reason.

But he still cares about Daisuke. The world has been awful to him, but if he can do something for this kid on his first real job trying, to make the world a little softer and gentler for him, he will. He won't do it for himself (why would he? He doesn't deserve it (not my opinion, the opinion of someone deep in the throes of substance abuse)), but for Daisuke? He will.

[nullbutler]

haiiiiii please talk to me about cielois because my dumb sleepy ass accidentally took THE WRONG TRAIN in the OPPOSITE DIRECTION and now i'm gonna arrive an HOUR LATE to my courses so how's your day going 💀

OH NOOOOO you are zooming away from where you're supposed to go!! hope you get home safely!

my day is going wonderfully! I just got back from meeting a mutual irl and we had a very nice time. as for Cielois....hmmm well!! I really do like the pairing for the classic 'golden retriever x annoyed cat' dynamic...but the main draw to me at least is the fact that they...understand each other better than anyone else ever will. And for that reason, these two kids who have been nothing but liars towards themselves are forced into this sort of genuine honesty. it creates this kind of bond...this realization that 'I'm not the only one going through this', and that's something both of them really need.

I also love the nuance of Alois being a little possessive over Ciel/having a hard time forming a healthy relationship. While I think an older version of their relationship, where they're both more mentally healthy, would be much more 'wholesome,' I kind of revel in Alois being desperate for Ciel's fleeting attention, and Ciel accidentally manipulating him. It's a bit present in my fic, Moth Wings (HUGE WARNING FOR LIKE..EVERYTHING, THIS FIC IS DISGUSTING), where Alois wants nothing more than to be Ciel's one true love, and Ciel is literally catatonic/having a trauma response. Here's a brief passage of what I mean.

“Mmph-” his sleepy face contorted, ripped from its dream, and after a beat, he cracked open his eyes. One of them still throbbed a distant light, while the other was glassy and clear and maybe vaguely annoyed. But not hateful - Ciel would never ever hate Alois, right?

“Sorry for waking you! I just wanted to say I’m back, so don’t worry about me,” Alois said with a quick smile, knowing this was absolutely unnecessary. But he needed it. By god, after such a horrid night, he needed it the way an addict needed a swig of opium. Something to cleanse the taste of that old man from the inside of his mouth. He just needed someone to affirm that the pain was worth it.

Ciel, oblivious to Alois’s plotting, mumbled, “Welcome back.” And that, those two words, Alois decided, was enough. It was absolutely enough. With that, Ciel started falling asleep again, his face sinking into the pillow. Taking that invitation, Alois sorely laid on his back, and stared at the ceiling for a while.

--- Moth Wings, Chapter 8

I think the most important part of Cielois is the emotional intimacy and the revelation that 'I'm not alone, I have you.' thats what they can give each other.

in other words

'these two kids really need a hug and because their only legal guardians are literal Hellspawn, they're going to hug each other'

[freddyfreeman]

Preview of unfinished fanfic:

Early morning in Fawcett City. Freddy was setting up his newspaper stand, nursing a cup of tea before opening for the day. He had figured out the routes for his newsboys the night before; but anyway, he liked to get up at the crack of dawn just to have a few moments of blissful peace and quiet. That would be interrupted, soon. There was one newsboy he was waiting on, presently…

On the stand was a folded newspaper. With his free hand, Freddy straightened the newly formed creases until the title was fully visible: it read – “CAPTAIN MARVEL JR AND KID ETERNITY HIT LOCAL CRIME RING!” – A wry smile played upon Freddy’s lips, as he remembered the incident at the docks. He and Kit had taken out a gang of opium smugglers. It was standard fare for Captain Marvel Junior, who was known for cracking down on illegal trade…not all of which involved substances.

Some of the things Freddy had seen as Junior made his blood boil. As unassuming a place as Fawcett could seem to outsiders, its crime could run surprisingly…dark.

[rametarin]

How about those addicts have some compassion and stop being a problem?

The reason they don't get actual genuine help is because they do not want to live in a reality where they have to keep themselves clean, pay for their own bad habits and hold down a job. They want a society that just gives them their crack pipe, or fentanyl, or methodone, and pays for their house, and buys them their food, and takes care of their kids, while they just do the modern equivalent of marinate in an opium den and occassionally squeeze out another sickly, drug poisoned baby they expect everybody else ("A decent, COMPASSIONATE society!") to raise, for them.

The, "Bourgoise" could never even imagine to plot such an inconvenience as a bunch of entitled assholes that expect everybody else, from working class to rich, to pay the tab for their fucking worthless lifestyles that aren't just harming themselves, but deliberately harming everybody around them. Where rather be contributions to society, they conspire to be burdens on the social safety net while caring about nothing but partying and fucking. Partying and fucking EVERYBODY ELSE could be doing more of, if not for society having more and more people that think it should be an everybody problem to finance taking care of the most selfish, worthless people on the planet.

It's not the billionaires that are leaving tens of thousands of hypodermic needles on the streets of San Francisco. It's not the billionaires shitting in the streets because they don't WANT to move somewhere that real estate can be bought and toilets can be secured safe from the muggers claiming they own property they do not legally own and trying to charge tolls to their fellow vermin.

I have family that are or have been nurses. Some of the most selfish, disgusting people on the planet are kept afloat and enabled to be the most selfish, disgusting people only because of this false, ideological compassion. People that won't stop having babies because they believe they're so important, despite being ugly pieces of shit with severe congenital recessive diseases that burden their kids with. One of these assholes, I've seen, caused two people be born with a muscular disorder that meant by the age of 6 they were trapped in their own bodies. One of the kids died because a crackhead rival of the asshole broke into his house and brutalized his son, the other died because she inherited the 'body shuts down at 12' disease.

And that asshole's babymama went out and syphoned gas out of their state-appointed nurses car. SYPHONED GASOLINE OUT OF THEIR STATE APPOINTED NURSES CAR. Refusing to be the source of the wealth the children are raised on and instead deciding to be a consumer of everybody elses hard earned wealth.

Miss me with that, "class disparity and injustice by the bourgoise." The disgusting masses of worthless shit that conspire to make themselves as worthless as possible and then open their mouths like baby birds for the time, efforts and surplus of everybody else do more damage to society than a million, billionaires could ever do.

For some reason we can't talk about how much those flailing, rag wearing muggers living out on the street subtract from society or the safety of our communities, but we can pretend Randall McOldblood living in his mansion is somehow stealing living space from people because he has empty bedrooms he's not using. We can't talk about how much money gets vacuumed up by assholes that think they're smarter than everybody else by virtue of getting to go without a day job while they find sources for their drug habits, but we can talk about how someone whom has a billion dollars, "didn't earn that money legitimately and shouldn't be allowed to have it."

How about this take: If all you do is smoke crack, do fentanyl or ketamine and harass people for change or mug them like a rabid animal, you should be taxed of your time and freedom by being put in a prison cell and society should make as sure you get clean of your habit, as it makes sure people are taxed of their income. Because making yourself a worthless, no-good sucker of public resources means maybe after a certain price point, society should consider ways to extract that productivity back out of you. Or, if not, you should be allowed to die.

The dude that invests a few thousand dollars and gets back ten thousand dollars and goes on to do that for a while, is not "stealing" from society. It is inarguable that if you're becoming such a collective burden by your own subcultures decisions that people you've never even met are being forced to pitch in JUST to enable your ass to continue to make lifestyle decisions that just take from other people, YOU ARE THE PROBLEM. Just having money and property is not hurting society, and simply having that (no dodging and saying the real estate moguls or tax cheats- they believe ALL property ownership and ALL wealth is harmful to the poor) does not mean they're stealing it from the poor. The poor are not entitled to something just because it exists.

i don't care if you live in new york city get normal about drug addicts sometime soon or jump in front of the trains

[ceebiejeebiess]

inspired from one of my friends but idk which one

[turnerchic]

GUNS & ROSES

Summary - Y/N is trying to help Tommy get through his ptsd which led to drinking problems and substance abuse but he won't cooperate which leads to a very frustrated y/n.

warnings - alcohol mention , drug mention , mention of war/violence, sex (whores) , miscarriages, suicide/suicidal thoughts, language

not proofread!!!!

As usual Y/N was stood at the kitchen sink of her shared home peeling potatoes to prepare for another likely lonely dinner, like every other night the only thing to be heard in this large house was the footsteps of the maids, and the door at early hours in the morning when your husband finally arrived back home to you.

at first when Tommy came back from the war he was silent he's speak but not alot, he'd eat but not alot, he'd sleep but not alot but as time went on it's seems as Tommy didn't need anyone he didn't speak at all unless it was business, he didn't much eat at all, he didn't sleep at all without opium, the last time he spoke to you was a lost count the last time he looked at you actually without it being a case of him catching your eye had been months, instead of trying he just went cold and dismissive and deal with it on his own and his way of dealing with it was sleeping with whores, drinking and drugs. you couldn't blame him it was war it could've been worse he couldn't have come back at all but you think about it and he might as well hadn't in this case. all you could do was try but years of trying with no results broke your heart.

peeling the last of the potatoes and moving on to making the pie you heard the door open and in walked Tommy his hair and clothing drenched from the rain outside, not even looking at you "forget something?" kneading the dough with your hands watching his movements through the room, no reply "i'm making pie your favourite recipe remember when my mother used to bake this for us when we were kids and we sat on the doorstep eating it and you always asked he- you know what! tommy cant you just fucking speak to me" slamming your hands down on the kitchen side with tears in your eyes and spilling down your cheeks "what do i need to do for you to speak to me? why am i being punished? it's not my fault you were sent to war and im the one who had to suffer like in the one to blam-" , "what do you know about war woman? he shouted storming over to stand in front of you getting in your face his nose almost touching yours "you're the one who has to suffer y/n? you're suffering? go on tell me how you're fucking suffering, laying around at home all day making fucking pies" he screamed "i didn't mean it like that Tommy..just why wont you speak to me m..what did i do wrong to you. i am so alone Tommy and you put me here" your voice cracking the first time he'd spoken to you in months was through anger "you haven't touched me you won't even look at me tommy! look at me!" you cried grabbing his face to look at you

and in that moment you could see his face flash with an ounce of remorse towards you, he walked back around the kitchen counter and sat in a chair facing you you could see the regret in his face if there was any, he sat there staring blankly "tell me y/n tell me everything, what you want from me what you wanted after the war what you want now" he whispered "i want to know the life i took from you y/n"

"i knew after the war you'd be a changed man we all knew tommy" and you meant each word war wasn't easy not one bit "and i tried to help you snd i almost had it tommy i almost got some of my tommy back and.. it's like you don't care anymore" "it's because i don't care about anything anymore when you saw what was out there whats to fucking care about when you've already seen the devil there's no fucking God y/n so why do i need to care?!" he interrupted you "because what about me Tommy?! what..about... me!" you broke down this was probably the first time he'd seen you like this, this broken and vulnerable infront of him although you didn't go through the war and you couldn't decide when he recovered it was a 2 way job and he wasn't trying "you want to know what i wanted tommy! i wanted you to come back and i wanted you to be home and finally be at peace after those four years and i wanted to try have a child with you Tommy, i wanted to have a family instead i was reunited with a man who just abandoned his wife and chose whores and drugs over her..i might aswell be your fucking maid"

"don't act like you didn't sleep with any other man while i was gone for those four years y/n i mean you probably still do since i've abandoned you i mean where do you go every friday eh? same time every friday where d-" he knew about your disappearances and still never asked why or where instead he accused you of the same sin he committed to try feel better, and now you were the one staring at him. "i visit our son Tommy" he furrowed his brows and made his way over to you "what are you talking about y/n- we dont have a son" grabbing your jaw looking at your pupils "are you taking something-" "no. the son i lost when you were at war" then all he did was step back and stare like he always did look around the room and blink "did Polly not tell you?"

"polly knows about my son..and i didn't who- y/n you didn't tell me why wouldn't you tell me about my dead boy"

"because you don't care Thomas, and i tried to tell you but you wouldn't listen i had to suffer alone in this house because you didn't care you don't have to suffer alone tommy, because i do care!"

"i even thought about telling you in a suicide note but you probably wouldn't of even read my letter" he grabbed your face softly "don't say that y/n..i do care okay i didn't know i shouldn't of pushed you away i'm sorry for saying all that shit before okay, i love you y/n and i don't deserve you but i'm going to make this right okay i'm going to stop the fucking whores i'm going to be a proper husband no more drugs no more days without asking my wife how her day was okay! no more carelessness"

"thank you Tommy. i should've told you about your son"

"you shouldn't have suffered that loss alone it was mine too, we can try again y/n if that's what you want"

"it would heal me Tommy to have a child.. but would it heal you"

"yes i'd love to have a child with you, another reason to care, i held your life back so much y/n i promise to never be selfish like that again, i promise"

"i love you Tommy i always have"

"i love you too y/n i still always did"

[theoriginalcarnivorousmuffin]

After reading your opinion on Molly Weasley, i want to know: What are you're opinions on the Weasley family? Besides Ron & Molly that is.

Five characters? In one post? Well, alright, here we go.

The Weasleys as a Whole

I’ve mentioned this before but JKR writes the Weasleys to clearly be a believable but ideal family. They’re all fiercely loyal, progressive per wizarding world standards, love each other and Harry deeply, and have this wonderful off-kilter joyous house where there’s always some rambunctious thing going on. 

Harry comes to associate the Weasleys with family and, personally, I believe a large part of him marrying Ginny boils down to it will make him a Weasley for real. 

That said, they’ve got some major issues. They’re very righteous people who, as a whole, will ice you out the moment they even suspect you do something that disagrees with them. You don’t even have to do it, what you did or didn’t do doesn’t even have to be something terrible or something bad, but god help you if the family decides they’re done with you. 

They’re very resentful of people like the Malfoys. This isn’t just because Lucius is a smarmy, pompous, ass (he is) or that he indirectly almost murdered Ginny but seems to mostly be because Lucius has so much money. All of their interactions seem to boil down to the money. More than this though, the Weasleys seem fully supportive of laws that... well, used against themselves would be a travesty but used against the likes of the Malfoys it’s about damn time.

They’re unquestioningly loyal to Dumbledore. Granted, most people we see in canon are, Dumbledore’s very very very good at convincing people he’s a saint. However, these guys are practically his cult member to the point where they do things like refuse to have Harry over the summer, even before Voldemort returned, because Dumbledore told them not to. 

They also never really adopt Harry into the family. Oh they give him a nice sweater, he comes over every once in a while to the house, he’s very good friends with Ron but he’s mostly treated just like that, a good friend. Now, there’s nothing wrong with this, except the way JKR sets it up we’re supposed to believe this is the family Harry found. It’s just that the family Harry’s found let’s him stay in a house with bars on his window where twelve-year-old Ron tells them, “Harry’s muggle family is really really awful” in a way that should have been raising red flags. Hermione practically lives at the Weasleys, Harry never does.

Now, are the Weasleys evil? No, far from it, they’re ordinary people who act in ways I’d expect ordinary people too. Technically they didn’t have to do anything more for Harry than they did, they didn’t have to hate Lucius Malfoy for better reasons, and they don’t have to be even slightly less worshipful of Dumbledore. They’re people, and they’re fine characters, but the overwhelming worship and love of the Weasleys we see across fandom does get on my nerves.

But you asked for individuals, so here we go.

 Arthur Weasley

Arthur is the epitome of “Pretty Fly for a White Guy” in the worst of ways and is, frankly, a giant awful joke to me. He’s the white kid you see going around with dread locks, a beanie the color of the Jamaican flag, smoking weed, and attempting to speak like Bob Marley 

Only, because he does it with muggle things, we’re supposed to find him funny and progressive.

Arthur is absolutely, albeit unwittingly, condescending in his love of muggle knickknacks. He has no idea how any of it actually works, not limited to how muggles could possible survive without the gold standard, but ardently believes he does because he can enchant the car to fly. Seriously, that he believes he’s an expert on muggle culture, as a pureblood wizard who heads an office in the ministry on it, is the worst part. His love of toasters comes across as, “Wow, look how cool it is that these poor little muggles made all this neat stuff. We should absolutely love the muggles because of it!” And that he heads an office in the ministry called “The Misuse of Muggle Artifacts” which is all about catching down Jackass style pranksters who think it would be hilarious of they enchanted toasters to bludgeon muggles to death...

Goddammit Arthur, why do you exist?

Right, otherwise, he’s got some pride issues going on. Part of the reason Percy is excommunicated is not so much that Percy doesn’t believe Harry, but because Percy dared to do better than Arthur in his own career. Arthur is stuck in his position as head of a joke of a department, he is an underling at its finest, and frankly likely only has that position because he’s a pureblood and the idea of putting a halfblood or even muggleborn at the head of a department dealing with muggles just made the higher ups shudder. (Don’t tell Arthur that though, he likes to think he’s not benefitting from nepotism). 

Arthur goes so far to accuse Percy as Fudge’s secretary as spying on him. Arthur, the guy who heads “Misuse of Muggle Artifacts”. Yeah, Arthur, I’m sure Fudge is really wasting his time using his straight laced secretary to find out all your dirty secrets. 

He also tends to see the world as very black and white. When Skeeter in book 4 writes an article after the Quidditch World Cup disaster complaining about the ministry’s lax security in enabling domestic terrorists to enter (something completely valid and true by the way) Arthur is so personally offended that both he and Percy go straight to the ministry to complain about Rita Skeeter and her daring to assume freedom of speech! HOW DARE SHE CALL THE MINISTRY’S NON-EXISTENT SECURITY AT THE WORLD CUP LAX! (To be fair, she also cited Arthur as having been in attendance at the event, a ministry employee, and having done nothing but, well, this is also true Arthur. You’re in a guerilla, underground, resistance movement. If I didn’t already think the Order was a joke this would kind of highlight it for me).

He’s also very resentful of Lucius Malfoy, and it seems to mostly be about the money. Arthur and Molly have a severe spending problem and actively resent that Lucius is swimming in money. That Arthur is ardently pleased about a law being passed in which the ministry without warrant can ransack Lucius Malfoy’s home... 

Well, Arthur, imagine the slippery slope if the government decides that it would like to search the Weasley home without warrant? In fact, he doesn’t even have to imagine it, as the beloved government in a few short years turns against him and then it’s all about how corrupt the ministry is. 

Arthur’s delightfully narrowminded, basically, and reminds us at nearly every opportunity.

Percy Weasley

Mostly, I just feel bad for Percy. Percy’s the son/brother that nobody likes and he’s painfully aware of that fact. He doesn’t fit in with the others, he has far too much ambition for the Gryffindor family and they resent him for it, and then he dares to say things like “I don’t know guys, Voldemort resurrecting from the dead after decades doesn’t sound plausible, we know Harry’s a little off kilter, and Dumbledore’s one shady dude”. Percy happens to be wrong about Voldemort resurrecting (and admits as much when the evidence is plainly visible), but he’s pretty on the money with the rest of it.

Regardless, growing up we see Ron constantly hating on Percy along with the rest of the siblings. I’m sure Percy is obnoxious, and certainly full of himself after making prefect and head boy, but he’s very clearly even before Order of the Phoenix the Least Favorite Brother (TM).

Then the Weasley family completely ices him out for a) getting a very high ranking position very quickly as Fudge’s secretary and b) not being gung ho about Dumbledore saying crazy things in the paper. Remember that to Percy Harry is Ron’s weird friend who seems to get into highly illegal activities every other week. From Percy’s point of view, it’s probably a matter of time before Harry becomes a crack head in Knockturn Alley (or given how behind the times wizards tend to be, an opium den). 

He’s constantly getting Ron into not only trouble but life threatening situations, is erratic and apparently a parseltongue of all things, and now Harry’s flipped his lid and saying that Voldemort has been resurrected after having gone through a very traumatic experience of watching a classmate somehow die. 

While we see Percy kind of (sort of)  make up with the family it’s clear that for Percy to have any relation with these people he’s the one who will always, ALWAYS, have to come crawling back on his knees and begging for forgiveness. It’s the Weasley way or the highway and I imagine, at some point probably a little after/during that epilogue, Percy will just slowly drift away because it’s just not worth it anymore.

Percy’s very much the black sheep of the family.

Fred and George Weasley

You all are going to kill me, but I actually don’t care in the slightest about Fred and George Weasley. This is because they basically have no personality aside from “funny”. 

They just have their weird, tandem, twin act and are either playing jokes on the school or else serving as Deus ex Machina in giving Harry magical items such as the Marauder’s Map for no apparent reason. The plot told them it was time, I guess. 

Their jokes, while not as bad as Sirius and James’ “Let’s sexually harrass Severus Snape by pantsing and beating him at the edge of Hogwarts lake” or Sirius’ “Let’s get Snape eaten by a werewolf!” are still often needlessly cruel and... kind of pointless. They harass Slytherin house constantly just because they happen to be Slytherins, they’re acceptable victims (which of course makes house tension that much worse). Harry gets sent a toilet seat in the hospital because... that’s funny? Har de har? 

They’re so indistinguishable from one another I routinely see people mistake which one got his ear chopped off and which one died. Because the point is, that we can’t tell the difference! It doesn’t matter who lived and who died because all we know is that Freorge is dead! 

Similarly, you see tons of fics around where character of the day ends up in this weird twincestuous relationship with Fred and George and it’s not only for a) that delightful twincest but b) because they’re such a singular unit that any attempt to pair one with somebody else feels weird. So you just get these porn fics about Fred and George being weird rapey teenagers who seem like they’d be more interested dating each other. 

Charlie Weasley

I really have no thoughts on Charlie. He raises dragons in Romania, the family loves him. Now, dragon raising feels like one of the most dangerous jobs in the Harry Potter universe, like Charlie had just gone and signed up to be a lumberjack but he seems to like it?

We really don’t see much of Charlie, he’s just the obligatory older Weasley son so that the Weasleys can be this ridiculously large family.

Bill Weasley

We see slightly more of Bill, but again, not enough to really leave an impression. We know that his marrying Fleur sent Molly into a complete state, and that they’re going to have awkward Christmas dinners forever because of it where Fleur just sits there and pretends not to loathe every second of Molly’s presence while Molly notes how bad it is that Victoire got stuck with that ugly pink hair instead of the Weasley red. 

Bill doesn’t seem to really do anything about this. He still marries Fleur, but we don’t really see a major confrontation where he tells the family “Look, I’m marrying her, so grow up.” So, I imagine he just tries to smile pleasantly and tells Fleur to just endure it for another few hours. He loves his family, his family’s great, but they only have to see Fleur once a year at Christmas.

Ginny Weasley

Ginny is weird. She’s this weird, frankly, almost personality-less void whose sole obsession in life seems to be marrying Harry. She and Harry end up in the world’s weirdest relationship and I honestly have no idea how people ship it other than canon told them to.

Ginny’s... well, first off, she’s very much in love with an idea. She had always worshipped Harry Potter but then he personally saves her life in what was a horrifically traumatic year and so that feeling just grows even more. Despite being Ron’s sister, she barely seems to know Harry, and everything she seems to like about it are just things she made up.

I imagine her and Harry’s marriage will be littered with affairs on her end. Not divorce though, because Harry would never admit his wife is having affairs on him all the time even if someone directly confronted him. Harry also won’t admit he’s gay. 

More than though we get hints of a personality. Ginny’s a fiery red-head tomboy with a temper. But... Well, it’s only ever hints. She never felt like a real person to me. She has I think one throwaway line about the Chamber of Secrets incident and how it personally affected her. We’re told she’s great at the bat boogey hex so we know she’s a fiery independent woman.

She feels more like a character sheet than an actual person. 

Whenever she’s around I always had this nagging question in my head where I ask why Ginny’s here. She has a lot of potential but nothing’s ever done with her. And when something is, it’s to get her into this bizarre relationship with Harry where he imagines there’s a green rage monster in his chest that loves her skin.

Okay Harry, if you say so. 

TL;DR: The Weasleys aren’t evil or anything, I’m not on Team Bash Them All, but they are shortsighted, ordinary, people who don’t deserve to be worshipped as all that is good in this world.

[killerandhealerqueen]

Beautiful Scars

Inspired by prompt: Zhan Junbai gets hurts and while Yu Tangchun is taking care of him, he notices his body covered in scars 

There were many reasons as to why Zhan Junbai never joined Jiang Yuelou in his crime crackdowns or his raids of opium dens but one of the main reasons he never joined was because he wasn’t particularly fond of how hurt Jiang Yuelou constantly got.  Like, he knew that police officers got hurt, like that was a given, but never to the extent that Jiang Yuelou tended to get hurt.  Yet, here he was, standing at Jiang Yuelou’s side outside a worn-down building, gun in his hand. “You didn’t have to come, Zhan-xiong” Jiang Yuelou murmured, glancing over at Zhan Junbai, who huffed. “Then you shouldn’t have asked for my help” he replied, giving Jiang Yuelou a look and a playful smirk.  Jiang Yuelou smiled. “I just thought you’d might like to stretch your legs” he replied innocently.  Zhan Junbai scoffed. “Bullshit” he murmured.  Jiang Yuelou chuckled before his smile fell away and he looked at Zhan Junbai. “You find the kids; we’ll take care of the rest” he declared.  Zhan Junbai nodded as he pulled the slide back on his gun. “Let’s go” he agreed.  Jiang Yuelou nodded before he looked over at Sun Yongren, Song Rong, and his other officers and nodded again, all of them nodding in return as he turned his attention back to the door.  He then lashed out, kicking the door open before storming inside, Zhan Junbai right at his side.  The moment they stepped inside, gunshots started firing at them, causing them to duck behind crates to give themselves a shield before they began firing back.  As they were firing at the kidnappers, Zhan Junbai looked over at Jiang Yuelou. “Cover me” he ordered.  Jiang Yuelou glanced back at him before he nodded, both men standing up at the same time, Jiang Yuelou letting off shot after shot as Zhan Junbai ran through the warehouse, searching for the kidnapped kids from the orphanage he was funding.  He searched high and low for them and as he was searching, a few kidnappers came running towards him, their guns drawn, but he was a soldier; nothing scared him.  He calmly raised his gun and fired with insane precision, watching as they all went down like bowling pin, bullet holes in between their brows.  He continued to mow down kidnappers who continued to come running towards him, dodging their bullets before retaliating with his own.  After he had mowed down the kidnappers, he continued to search for the children, soon finding them hiding in a corner of the warehouse by some old crates, all of them huddled together.  The minute he found them, he let out a sigh of relief as he knelt before them. “You’re safe now.  You’re going to be okay” he promised, just as a searing pain shot through his shoulder, causing him to cry out in pain and make the children scream in fear.  Zhan Junbai then slowly reached behind him and touched his shoulder, his hand coming back covered in blood.  He stared at his bloody hand, his eyes blowing eyes as he let out a harsh breath before he collapsed, the children screaming again.  As he laid there on the warehouse floor, Zhan Junbai heard the crunch of footsteps getting closer and he closed his eyes, waiting for the final gunshot when another gunshot rang out, causing him to flinch.  However, he felt no pain, causing him to frown and crack open an eye, just in time to see Jiang Yuelou kneeling before him, reaching out to grasp him by the shoulders. “Zhan-xiong.  Zhan-xiong, just hang on, we’re going to get you help, you just gotta hang on.  Zhan-xiong.  Zhan-xiong!” he exclaimed but Zhan Junbai didn’t hear him as his eyes slipped shut and he fell into unconsciousness.

~*~*~*~*~*~

When Zhan Junbai woke up later, he found himself in a hospital bed with Chen Yuzhi standing beside it, his arms crossed in front of him with a stern frown on his face.  The minute he saw the look on his face, he let out a heavy sigh. “Dr. Chen” he croaked.  Chen Yuzhi’s eyes widened when he realized that Zhan Junbai was awake and he quickly uncrossed his arms as he sat down in the chair next to his bed. “Executive Zhan” he breathed.  Zhan Junbai hummed before he hissed. “What happened?” he asked.  Chen Yuzhi huffed. “You got shot” he deadpanned.  Zhan Junbai gave him a look. “I know that” he replied.  Chen Yuzhi then raised an eyebrow. “Then why’d you ask?” he inquired.  Zhan Junbai huffed and gave him a look as he smiled slightly before his smile fell. “Junbai…” he started, making Zhan Junbai raise an eyebrow and frown slightly; he didn’t like Chen Yuzhi’s tone.  It sounded like he was about to get scolded. “Your back…what happened?” Chen Yuzhi asked, looking at Zhan Junbai with worried doe eyes.  Zhan Junbai frowned before his eyes widened in realization as to what Chen Yuzhi was referring to.  He then took a deep breath before he looked over at Chen Yuzhi. “It’s—” he started when Chen Yuzhi held up a hand. “You can lie to everyone else, but you can’t lie to me.  I’m the one who did your surgery.  I saw.  So just tell me, what happened?” he asked.  Zhan Junbai looked at him before he sighed. “My uncle” he answered.  Chen Yuzhi’s eyes widened. “Your uncle did that to you?” he whispered.  Zhan Junbai nodded. “He was a war general you know…a very powerful one at that.  And he liked things done a certain way.  And if things weren’t done a certain way well…I was punished.  Sometimes it wouldn’t even be my fault, he just needed someone to take his anger out on and I was the closest target” he murmured.  Chen Yuzhi clenched his jaw and shook his head; he never understood how people could be so cruel, especially to their own family. “They were also from when I was in the military.  Drill sergeants are quite cruel, you know?” he continued.  Chen Yuzhi looked at him and Zhan Junbai sighed softly. “It’s all in the past, Yuzhi.  They don’t even hurt anymore” he murmured.  Chen Yuzhi made a face before he sighed. “Who knows about them?” he asked.  Zhan Junbai shook his head. “No one.  Not even Qiu Ming knows.  You’re the first” he stated.  Chen Yuzhi hummed before he sighed. “And Boss Yu will be the second” he murmured.  Zhan Junbai frowned. “What do you mean?” he asked.  Chen Yuzhi gave him a look. “Who’s going to help you change your bandages?  And help you shower?  And change?” he asked.  Zhan Junbai continued to frown before his eyes widened and he reached out, grasping Chen Yuzhi’s hand. “Boss Yu can’t know.  Yuzhi, he can’t” he pleaded.  Chen Yuzhi gave him another look. “He’s going to find out one way or the other, Junbai.  You can’t hide them forever” he stated.  Zhan Junbai shook his head. “He can’t know” he declared.  Chen Yuzhi frowned. “You know that’s not really an option, Junbai” he argued.  Zhan Junbai sighed. “Can’t you…I don’t know…come to the mansion and change the bandages so that Tangchun will never have to see the wound?” he asked.  Chen Yuzhi huffed. “If I came to the mansion every time your bandages needed change, Boss Yu and your servants would think something is up” he argued.  Zhan Junbai groaned. “What if you teach me how to change my own bandage?” he suggested.  Chen Yuzhi frowned. “Junbai, do you know how difficult it will be to change your bandages without assistance?” he exclaimed.  Zhan Junbai shook his head. “I don’t care; I’m not letting Boss Yu see my scars” he declared before he pointed at Chen Yuzhi. “Jiang-xiong can never know” he ordered.  Chen Yuzhi sighed. “I won’t tell him” he assured before he let out a groan and ran a hand through his hair. “I’ve never had a patient so stubborn before” he grumbled.  Zhan Junbai chuckled. “Not even Jiang-xiong?” he asked, raising an eyebrow.  Chen Yuzhi huffed. “He listens to me, if he knows what’s good for him” he replied.  Zhan Junbai chuckled again as Chen Yuzhi stood to his feet. “Fine.  I’ll teach you before I discharge you later tonight and I’ll have Jiang Yuelou drop you off so that no one will be suspicious” he stated as he headed towards the door of Zhan Junbai’s hospital room before pausing and looking back at Zhan Junbai. “Get some rest” he instructed before he stepped out, quietly shutting the door behind him.  Zhan Junbai stared at the closed door for a moment before he sighed heavily and shut his eyes.  He couldn’t let Yu Tangchun know about his scars…he couldn’t.

~*~*~*~*~*~

After Chen Yuzhi declared that Zhan Junbai was clear to go home, he made sure to teach him how to change his bandages by himself without any help, a deep frown on his face the entire time.  Once he had taught Zhan Junbai, he looked at him with a frown. “Are you sure Tangchun can’t see your scars?” he asked softly.  Zhan Junbai shook his head. “I don’t want anyone to know about that part of me…” he replied.  Chen Yuzhi raised an eyebrow. “What, are you afraid of being vulnerable?” he sneered.  Zhan Junbai’s eyes widened in shock and Chen Yuzhi huffed. “There’s nothing wrong with showing vulnerability, Junbai.  You know that right?” he asked.  Zhan Junbai tsked. “Being vulnerable is what got me these scars in the first place” he replied as he finished buttoning up his suit vest.  Chen Yuzhi sighed. “But—” he started when Zhan Junbai turned to look at him. “Thank you, Dr. Chen.  I’ll be heading home now” he declared as he turned and headed out of the hospital, walking over to Jiang Yuelou, who was leaning up against his car, a small smile on his face. “Got lectured?” he asked.  Zhan Junbai chuffed. “Yes” he grumbled.  Jiang Yuelou chuckled. “You can’t avoid it, unfortunately” he replied.  Zhan Junbai sighed as he got into the car, Jiang Yuelou walking around to the driver’s side before getting in as well.  He then turned on the engine and drove towards Zhan Junbai’s mansion.  As they drove towards the mansion, Jiang Yuelou looked over at Zhan Junbai. “You okay?  Your shoulder, I mean” he asked.  Zhan Junbai nodded. “Your husband did a damn fine job…of course I’m okay” he replied.  Jiang Yuelou smiled and nodded. “I’m not surprised; Yuzhi is the best damn in Jing City” he agreed.  Zhan Junbai smiled slightly as they continued towards the mansion and once they arrived, Jiang Yuelou put the car into park as Zhan Junbai got out, dipping his head to Jiang Yuelou before he walked over to the front door and pushed it open, stepping inside.  Jiang Yuelou waited for the doors to close before he drove out of the courtyard and headed back to the hospital to pick Chen Yuzhi up.

~*~*~*~*~*~

As soon Zhan Junbai stepped into the mansion, he was immediately greeted by Yu Tangchun, worry in his big brown eyes. “Executive Zhan!” he exclaimed.  Zhan Junbai looked at him in surprise. “Boss Yu” he murmured as Yu Tangchun looked him over. “Are you alright?  Are you hurt?” he asked.  Zhan Junbai blinked and thought about his shoulder injury before he smiled and shook his head. “I’m alright.  Why do you ask?” he inquired.  Yu Tangchun huffed. “Well, you didn’t come home last night and I was…I was worried that something bad happened” he explained.  Zhan Junbai chuckled softly and reached out, giving Yu Tangchun’s a gentle squeeze. “I’m alright, Boss Yu.  But thank you for your concern” he murmured.  Yu Tangchun nodded before he tilted his head to the side. “Were you able to find the children?” he asked, as that was the whole reason why Jiang Yuelou had come to ask for Zhan Junbai’s help.  Zhan Junbai smiled and nodded. “We found them.  They’re all safe” he assured.  Yu Tangchun smiled slightly. “Good, good” he breathed before he looked at Zhan Junbai. “Would you care to join me in the garden?  I haven’t…really been able to relax since you weren’t home” he explained, a slight blush on his cheeks.  Zhan Junbai’s eyes widened before he smiled and nodded. “That would be nice” he agreed.  Yu Tangchun smiled as they headed out to the garden, both men walking over to one of the benches and sitting down.  As they sat on the bench, Yu Tangchun leaned over and rested his head on Zhan Junbai’s shoulder causing Zhan Junbai to look over at him in surprise before he smiled and let out a soft hum as the sunlight shone down on him and Yu Tangchun.  After a while, Zhan Junbai heard soft snoring coming from his left, so he looked over to see Yu Tangchun, his face soft and relaxed as his chest rose and fell slowly.  Zhan Junbai smiled fondly and shook his head. ‘He must have been really worried about me’ he mused as he scooted over slightly to make things a little bit more comfortable for Yu Tangchun.

~*~*~*~*~*~

Later that evening, after dinner, Zhan Junbai decided to take a bath and rid himself of the hospital smell, so he removed his clothes in front of the mirror before carefully undoing the bandages around his torso, not even realizing that he left his bedroom door open.  He then twisted his body so that he could look at the healing wound and let out a soft hum when he saw that the wound was red but not angry or infected, which was good. “E-Executive?” a soft voice called out, causing Zhan Junbai’s eyes to widen. ‘Shit’ he hissed before he spun around to see Yu Tangchun standing in the doorway of his room, his eyes wide with horror. “Boss Yu” he breathed, just as Yu Tangchun quickly walked into the room and over to him, looking at him with big eyes. “You told me you weren’t hurt!” he exclaimed.  Zhan Junbai made a face before he sighed. “Boss Yu—” he started when Yu Tangchun grabbed him by the arm and spun him around so that he could look at Zhan Junbai’s back. “Boss Yu, don’t—” Zhan Junbai started again when Yu Tangchun reached out and gently touched his back, his slender fingers lightly touching the numerous scars that littered Zhan Junbai’s back.  Zhan Junbai sucked in a breath; no one had ever been this gentle with him or his scars, save for Chen Yuzhi, but he was a doctor.  His touch was always gentle. “Who did this to you?” Yu Tangchun whispered.  Zhan Junbai frowned before he slowly turned around to face Yu Tangchun, the young opera singer’s eyes full of tears.  Both men stared at each other before Zhan Junbai sighed. “It’s nothing” he replied when Yu Tangchun shook his head. “It’s not NOTHING!” he exclaimed causing Zhan Junbai to look at him in shock as tears began to stream down his face. “It’s not…nothing” he whispered.  Zhan Junbai stared at the young man for a moment before he reached out and gently wiped the tears away with his thumbs. “Let me take a shower first and then I’ll explain it to you” he murmured.  At this point, he might as well just tell the truth…he was certain Yu Tangchun wouldn’t leave him alone until he did. “Let me help” Yu Tangchun offered.  Zhan Junbai shook his head. “That’s not—” he started when Yu Tangchun grasped his hand. “Junbai” he interrupted, causing Zhan Junbai’s eyes widen as Yu Tangchun looked at him. “Let me.  Please” he whispered.  Zhan Junbai stared at him before he sighed. “Alright” he agreed.  Yu Tangchun nodded and quickly let go of Zhan Junbai’s hand before turning and heading out of the room, heading towards the bathroom.  Zhan Junbai watched him walk away before he let out a heavy sigh and ran his hand through his hair; he could have avoided all of this if he had just closed his bedroom door. ‘Could you have avoided this though?  Sooner or later he would have found out’ a voice sounding very much like Chen Yuzhi stated.  Zhan Junbai scowled. ‘I would have preferred later’ he grumbled, just as Yu Tangchun poked his head into the bedroom. “I drew a bath for you…go ahead and get in, I’ll get you some clothes” he instructed.  Zhan Junbai sighed before he nodded obediently and headed out of his bedroom, heading to the bathroom while Yu Tangchun slipped inside Zhan Junbai’s bedroom, heading for his dresser.  

~*~*~*~*~*~

Once Zhan Junbai entered the bathroom, he quickly stripped off his clothes before he walked over to the tub, carefully sinking into the warm soapy bath.  Thankfully, Yu Tangchun had filled the tub up just enough that it didn’t touch his wound, and as he sat in the warm water, he let out a soft sigh, feeling his muscles relax.  Once he was in the water, Yu Tangchun walked back in, carrying a change of underwear and pajamas, placing those on the sink counter before he walked over to the tub, rolling up his sleeves.  He then stood behind Zhan Junbai before he reached out and took a towel, dipping it into the water before he began to gently clean Zhan Junbai’s back.  Zhan Junbai froze and sucked in a breath again, causing Yu Tangchun to look at him with wide eyes. “Are you okay?  Did I hurt you?” he asked, concern in his voice.  Zhan Junbai shook his head, reminding himself to breathe, before he cleared his throat. “I’m fine” he assured.  Yu Tangchun made a face, not exactly believing him, but said nothing as he continued to clean Zhan Junbai of the smell of the hospital, careful to avoid his private parts as he cleaned his chest, abdomen, back, and legs, making sure to be extra careful around the bullet wound.  After washing Zhan Junbai down, Yu Tangchun carefully rinsed him off before he scooped some water from the tub and poured it onto Zhan Junbai’s hair, wetting it.  After his hair was properly wetted, Yu Tangchun squirted some shampoo into his palm before rubbing them together and placing his hands in Zhan Junbai’s hair, beginning to scrub gently, making sure that his hair was clean while also giving him a massage in the process.  As he scrubbed and massaged, Zhan Junbai let out a soft sigh and shut his eyes, feeling his entire body relax.  Yu Tangchun looked at him and smiled softly as he continued to scrub his scalp and once he was done, he rinsed it out and cleared his throat. “I’ll wait for you in the bedroom, Executive” he murmured before he turned and walked out of the bathroom.  Zhan Junbai turned his head and watched him leave before he stood up and stepped out of the bath, toweling down, careful to not aggravate his stitches before he slipped on his pajamas and headed out of the bathroom and back to the bedroom.

~*~*~*~*~*~

When he entered the bedroom, he found Yu Tangchun sitting down on the edge of the bed, his bandages sitting on the bedside table.  The minute he saw them, he sighed heavily before he walked over to Yu Tangchun and sat down, facing the opera singer.  Both men stared at each other before Yu Tangchun reached out and unbuttoned Zhan Junbai’s sleep shirt, carefully removing it and placing it to the side before he looked at Zhan Junbai. “Turn around, please” he murmured.  Zhan Junbai nodded obediently and spun around so that he was barring his back to Yu Tangchun.  Yu Tangchun stared at his scarred back for a moment and took a shuddering breath before he reached out and placed a non-adhesive wound dressing over the wound and wrapped gauze over the dressing and around his chest so it wouldn’t fall off before securing it.  Once he had dressed the wound, he gently reached out and touched the scars, his touch as light as a butterfly’s kiss. “How did this happen?” he asked softly.  Zhan Junbai was quiet, tears coming to his eyes as the stinging, searing phantom pains of the lashes came back to him. “My uncle” he whispered after a while.  Yu Tangchun’s eyes widened and he pulled his hand away in shock. “What?” he whispered.  Zhan Junbai nodded. “My uncle, as you know, is a very decorated war general who…likes things done a certain way and has a certain way of thinking.  If things are done his way or you don’t share his beliefs, you’re punished” he murmured.  Yu Tangchun looked at Zhan Junbai’s back in horror. “Your own uncle did this to you?” he whispered.  Zhan Junbai nodded again. “Or if he was having a bad day and needed someone to take it out on…well, I was always just within reach or within his general vicinity” he answered.  Yu Tangchun shook his head. “Junbai, that’s awful” he whispered.  Zhan Junbai chuckled mirthlessly. “My life has never been easy, Tangchun” he admitted.  Yu Tangchun looked at him for a moment before he leaned forward and pressed a gentle kiss to one of the scars on Zhan Junbai’s shoulder, causing Zhan Junbai’s eyes to widen in shock. “Boss Yu, what are you—” he started as Yu Tangchun kissed another scar gently, almost lovingly.  Zhan Junbai sucked in a breath and before Yu Tangchun could kiss another scar, he spun around and cupped Yu Tangchun’s face in his hands. “Why are you doing this?” he whispered.  Yu Tangchun looked at him before he smiled softly. “You may think your scars are ugly, but I think they’re beautiful he replied.  Zhan Junbai’s eyes widened. “Beautiful?” he repeated.  Yu Tangchun nodded. “Your scars make you who you are.  They make you Zhan Junbai” he declared.  Zhan Junbai looked at him in awe before he surged forward and kissed Yu Tangchun soundly.  Yu Tangchun’s eyes widened in surprise but Zhan Junbai pulled away before he could say anything and instead rested their foreheads together. “No one’s ever called my scars beautiful” he murmured.  Yu Tangchun smiled softly. “But they are.  They are as beautiful as their owner” he replied.  Zhan Junbai chuckled softly. “You flatter me, Tangchun.  But I am not beautiful” he declared.  Yu Tangchun smiled fondly as he reached up and gently touched Zhan Junbai’s face, stroking his cheek with his thumb. “You’re beautiful to me” he whispered.  Zhan Junbai pulled away and looked at him with wide eyes as Yu Tangchun just smiled at him fondly, his hand still on his cheek. “Your scars are beautiful and so are you, Zhan Junbai” he declared.  Zhan Junbai felt tears come to his eyes and this time Yu Tangchun was the one to reach out and wipe away his tears before they threatened to fall.  Zhan Junbai then removed his hands from Yu Tangchun’s face and took Yu Tangchun’s hand instead, giving it a gentle squeeze. “Thank you” he whispered.  Yu Tangchun smiled softly. “You’re welcome” he replied before he grabbed Zhan Junbai’s sleep shirt and held it up. “Let me help you put this on” he stated.  Zhan Junbai nodded and turned around, allowing Yu Tangchun to help him into his sleep shirt before he buttoned it up.  Once he had buttoned up, he stood to his feet,  Yu Tangchun standing as well.  Zhan Junbai then took a step forward, reaching out and grabbing Yu Tangchun by the waist, pulling him close.  Yu Tangchun’s eyes widened and Zhan Junbai smiled before he leaned in and kissed Yu Tangchun on the lips softly. “Goodnight, Tangchun” he bid.  Yu Tangchun blinked before he laughed. “Goodnight, Junbai” he replied.  Zhan Junbai then released Yu Tangchun and watched as the young opera singer walked away from him and towards the door, pausing to look back at him. “Goodnight” he bid.  Zhan Junbai smiled and dipped his head. “Goodnight” he replied.  Yu Tangchun then stepped out of the room, closing the door behind him as Zhan Junbai smiled softly at the door.  He then turned and slipped into bed, turning off the bedside lamp before he shut his eyes, a small smile on his face.  He had never been called beautiful before nor had his scars been called beautiful before but if Yu Tangchun thought that he and his scars were beautiful, then he would believe him.

[murderousginger]

Good Night

Tommy Shelby x Lizzie Stark (Shelby)

Word count: 1229

Warnings: Vulgarity? Angst. Light Smut. They're criminals guys, they do bad things.

This song requested by @sighonahurricane

She knew Tommy married her for appearances and ease rather than love. They had mutual respect and care for each other, true, but love was something Tommy had tucked away many years ago before the war and obsession had left with his late wife. She knew he needed a dependable and loyal woman as a wife when he began politics and she had proven that in spades over the years as his secretary, his typist, his whore. So when she became pregnant with Ruby and he asked for her hand -- over dinner, dabbing his mouth and asking like a business proposal -- she knew it was a good match. It made sense for both of them.

Lizzie also knew that Tommy was always searching for his next pleasure. Opium, whiskey, women, whatever let his mind relax from business and the memories of war.

She didn't expect him to stop fucking other women when he married her. She didn't expect it to hurt so much that he came home late at night smelling of whiskey and sour smelling perfume.

Sour is harsh, she thought as she laid in their bed alone staring at the ceiling in the dark. But the smells weren't her perfume. They were sickly sweet. Rotted fruit. The signs of cheap perfume. Or perhaps really expensive perfume. Was she from a whore house? Or was she a proper lady that fucked him for the thrill?

She had seen her fair share of both around him. The whore house she could manage. It was a transaction.

Lizzie could not stand the elite women that chased Tommy. They were enamored at the thought of fucking a man who started in stables and gained power. A man that was respectable in title but had a seedy undercurrent of danger because of the whispers of his gangster empire that helped push him to become Thomas Shelby, OBE. They only wanted the thrill, the taste of danger to invigorate their boring high society life. To have something scandalous to giggle about to their friends before their inevitable boring marriages to some rich, insufferable man that would impregnate them and return to their hunting trips and whore houses. No, she had no taste for elite women.

Tommy had been coming home late into the night for weeks. She had tried staying up for him, only to fall asleep from exhaustion after putting the kids to sleep.

Lizzie would wake up with her hair a mess and her arm slung over Tommy as the light shone through the curtains. Tommy would kiss her hand and give her a "good morning" as he slid out from under the covers and make his way across the room to dress. Soon after he would return fully dressed to move her bangs from her forehead and place a kiss upon it before saying a quick "goodbye." Lizzie could barely give him a tired smile before he was out the door to start business, whatever that may be.

Tonight she drank black coffee instead of tea. She waved Mary away and told her that she would wait up for her husband, that the woman should go to bed without a worry. Lizzie slipped out of her stiff beaded dress and into a silk slip from Paris. She placed a single strand of pink pearls along her long neck -- knowing that even in a state of undress, Tommy would appreciate a little decorative flair.

She waited hours, sitting in his study, looking through his papers, his books. Nothing of other women there, but Lizzie knew that Tommy was smart enough not to document any of his conquests. Not when he was such an important public figure.

Finally she heard the front door open and someone step in. She froze on the edge of the desk, her heart beating rapidly as she waited for the footsteps to get louder. Instead, after a few moments, they led away and up the creaking stairs toward their bedroom.

She opened the door, following the noise of his steps quietly. She knew every step, every board, and she treaded lightly behind him in the dark like a ghost. When she reached the top of the stairs she saw their bedroom light on, the warm lighting illuminating the hallway through a crack in the door.

"The nights are getting cold without you," she said.

Tommy jumped slightly but continued removing his cufflinks and unbuttoning his vest.

"Are they?" He said, assessing her form in the beige silk slip she wore as she leaned against the doorway. "I'll have Mary add more to the fire from now on."

Tommy placed his cufflinks on the nightstand beside the bed and made his way to the closet as he she'd layers of the clothes from the day.

"That's not what I meant and you know it," she said, kicking off the door frame and walking toward him.

"Isn't it?" He asked absentmindedly as he continued removing layers.

"You've never been a dumb man, Tom," Lizzie sighed. "Don't start now."

"Why is my charming wife still awake at this hour?" Tommy said tiredly. "To admonish her husband for too many late nights? You know what I do, Liz. This isn't new."

Lizzie ignored his jab and the underlying implication of his words. Instead she loosened his trousers before pushing him back into their bedroom until he sat on the bed.

"Wash your hands and your mind of your deeds before you step into this house," she snapped as she settled into his lap, breathing hard into his ear as she reached for his trousers. "I'll not have filthy hands touch me or the children. And it's not fair to any of us if your mind is filled with muck."

"Should I give all my deeds to the Blinders then?" He taunted through his panting lips. "Let my hands grow soft with unuse?"

"No," she rasped as he gripped her thighs through her silk nightgown before pushing the fabric up. "I like your calloused hands."

Tommy's laugh bubbled from his throat, low and cut off as he hissed when her tongue swirled the lobe of his ear.

"You prefer a working man, Liz?" his voice boomed, deep with lust as she rolled her hips against his. "Don't you like what your politician husband provides? A big warm house. All your jewels and clothes."

"You know all those things are for you," Lizzie whispered into his ear as her hand expertly snaked around his length, earning a gasp from his lips. "You wanted the big house and fancy things to decorate your wife and children. It's all status to you."

"And you don't like any of it, is that it?" He laughed as he pulled the nightgown over her head and trailed kisses down her neck and onto her chest.

"I'm not asking for the world like you are," she said before she gasped as he entered her. "Just a few nights with my husband. My hands are cramping."

"We can't have that," Tommy chuckled as he laid her on the bed.

...

She heard his breath even beside her. She bit her lip as she realized that he had fallen asleep before her for the first time in weeks. Her body relaxed as her heart rate slowed to match his breathing. Her Tommy was home with her. If only until the sun rose.

[queen-mihai]

Yeah this right here is the reason for the misinformed "slippery slope" arguments.

And in a wider sense, I think a lot of these things really are connected.

OK I'm gonna put on my tinfoil hat for a moment:

When the US wanted to take over a government, they would infiltrate that government with people who sound supportive of the cause, but wanted to cause division and ultimately, collapse. Historically, you can see that this has worked many times.

It has also been documented that they're not afraid of pulling the same type of tactics domestically. It's so well known that the US disseminated crack among black communities that there's songs that just HAVE that as a part of the lyrics.

Historic political precedent to that too: China and the opium trade.

BUT the LGBTQ community has tons of the type of people that... let's just say they wouldn't serve the correct purpose being shown on the 24-hour newsreel.

So what do they do instead? Bring pedophiles. Pedophiles who try to make their arguments sound reasonable. Oh they’re not just torturing and abusing vulnerable children? No no... they're, uhm, developing relationships with them. Right? Yeah. Yeah. And they'll totally marry them when they get older not just dump them off to the side of the road when they stop being the age they see as "attractive" 🤮

And another side of it, but with the same awful intention, is to associate every single attribute that doesn't align with their world view to the most vulnerable group.

So in this case it would be:

Crossdressers=trans in the right wing view

Drag=trans in the right wing view

Murderers in disguise=trans in the right wing view

Pedophiles=somehow trans in the right wing view

And make no mistake, they will be, and probably are, trying the same shit with animals too.

And they're not just coming after trans people, it's the entire LGBT community.

Associate LGBT needs and rights with the act of sex. Always. Talk about sex all the time, every time an LGBT topic is brought up. Women should be able to hold hands in public? Yeah sure but the right wing wants to know what you think about SEX. Trans women need to pee sometimes? Isn't this just a nice time for a GOP politician to remind you of SEX? Women should have bodily autonomy? Conservatives need to know if that's because they've had SEX

So it would follow, that yeah, drag performers in their eyes are the same as real trans people who aren't performing in any way.

They think there's a direct line from drag performances to sex because that's how conservative brains are wired. And because in their world drag=sex then of course it also HAS to mean that trans=sex too. They will LITERALLY draw that association in an interview if you let them. They'd be like "you wouldn't bring your kids to a strip club, would you? And then be like "Well a drag show is basically the same thing" (it's NOT) and then be like "and since these people are just men wearing dresses, wouldn't you consider them a part of the trans community?" And there you have it, bringing a kid around ANY trans person is, in the stupid and wrong conservative view, akin to bringing them into a strip club.

It's an attempt to collapse what is a growing and strengthening community from the inside out. And it's the very reason they're trying to shoehorn pedophiles into the community, because THEY would only be happy to agree with those conclusions.

Do not let them. See through the bullshit and call them out on it. Be who you know you are. You know this community is good and kind and protects people of all ages and all types. We need to stick together. Also, drag performers are awesome and deserve to be appreciated

YOU know that drag performers aren’t usually trans people. *I* know that. Right-wingers don’t. The attacks on drag shows are anti-trans attacks.

[giingers]

I have a second request, “I can’t sleep, can I stay here?” with Tommy.

Enjoy my love!!

17: “I can’t sleep, can I stay here?” 

Insomnia seemed to be a horrid and clinging side effect of war, and the wretched spell of sleeplessness had clung itself to Tommy Shelby completely. His mind never rested without the sultry lull of opium, and even then it was short lived, the deep metal clack of shovels against dirt echoing deafeningly through his surroundings and breaking up any temporary peace he could find.

He had spent the last few hours tossing and turning tirelessly, his limbs aching in that bone deep way, but still his mind would not delve into the promise of sleep. He had sat by the fire and had hoped the heat would swaddle him in a comforting embrace, one that would eventually cause him to droop into slumber. But that hadn't worked either.

So now he was confined to an insomniac's prison; mind springing livily with each step while his body screamed at him with an unrequited request for sleep. But he knew no matter how much his tired limbs needed the peace, he didn't really welcome the thought of becoming vulnerable and allowing himself to be a vessel for his nightmares to materialise in.

He couldn't bare the thought of waking up sweating profusely and grappling for an anchor that would bring him back to reality. He couldn't bear to see Freddie's face behind his lids, dirt scattered across his cheeks and a terrified look in his eyes. He didn't want to see Danny's face contort with fear or hear his dull screams again.

So the empty streets of Birmingham became his distraction away from war torn night terrors, and he focused solely on the click of his shoes against the cobblestones and the soft drip of the gutters that the nights flash of rain ran through. Tommy walked for a while, long enough to see the sky change from obsidian black to a dull navy, the world changing with the promise of sunrise. But he walked on, not really knowing where he was heading to, but when the front door of your house loomed towards him he knew exactly why he'd come here.

He knocked gently after a moment of hesitation, but he could tell you were awake since there was a dim glow coming from the window where the fire was lighting and a flicker of movement caught his eye behind the eyelet curtain.

The door was pulled open, and there standing in a ruby red robe, hair cascading down her face and eyes widened as she took Tommy in, was the only person who could dispel all thoughts of France. Shovels digging against dirt, the ripping sound of bullets against flesh, the cries of men and the smell of blood dissipated with one look at you.

"Y/n" Tommy sighed wistfully as if he was only meeting you for the first time. But in truth he'd known you since you were a girl, nothing but a slip of a thing with a wild look in your eye and a talent for mischief. But now before him stood a woman who had his heart completely even if you didn't know it.

"Tommy, is everything alright?" you asked him, checking behind his shoulder for any other infamous members of the Birmingham crime gang but no one else was stalking the shadows.

"I can't sleep, can I stay here?" he asked you in that rough voice of his, his words trickling with a deep sadness that caused the muscle in your chest to twitch.

"Come in" you held the door open for him, knowing full well you'd never deny him the comfort he so often found in you.

Nothing romantic had ever happened between you and Tommy, but there was a naive hope buried within you that told you he felt the same way. But men like Tommy weren't actively in touch with their emotions so mixed signals were often a barrier in your relationship. You'd known him most of your life, since you'd been Ada's best friend for years, but something about Tommy had always caused you to gravitate towards him. And he to you.

Before he went to France a moment between you two had happened that had caused you to believe there would be an abvious shift in your relationship; but the tolling bells of war had rang out clearly, and with them all the men you cared for deeply had been shipped away with the promise of gallant glory bestowed on their shoulders.

Not all of them had returned.

Tommy stepped inside and took off his hat as soon as he walked into the parlour, the flickering glow of the fire casting itself against his face. You took a step closer to him then, your eyes taking in the pale pallor of his skin and the ghostly look in his eyes.

"How long has it been since you slept last?" you asked him caringly but like always Tommy deflected from the conversation, instead turning his eyes towards the stack of letters that were strewn against the table.

He could make out his own scrawl and he fingered the crackly paper as he picked a letter up, one of the many ones he had written to you while he was away. He had written you countless letters during his time in France and you had kept him updated about business back home and all the seemingly mundane affairs that were happening in Birmingham. Your letters had kept him sane, and he had hunkered down in the trenches, holding your letters close and wishing he had told you he loved you before he left.

But perhaps it had been for the best, since the man that had loved you was long gone. And all that was left was a traumatised shell of a man who's violent nightmares were taking control of his sanity.

"You kept all these?" Tommy asked you softly and you slid up close beside him, your warmth soothing him more than you'd ever know.

"Every one" you smiled at him "I think I read each of them a hundred times the day I got them. I felt close to you somehow, like you were still here in England and not.....there"

Your voice cracked at the end and as Tommy shuffled through the letters on the table he came across one that caused his heart to still.

My dearest sister, it began, the men grow weary in this camp, and talk of being home for Christmas is all that can rouse them. I hope that what they say is true and that I too will be home in Birmingham before then, perhaps by then this war will be done with and I will be back home......

"He was a good lad" Tommy stopped reading the letter, placing it down on the table with the others and turning to you. He noticed then for the first time that your eyes were rimmed red and your face pale. You'd been crying, he could tell.

"Yeah, he was" you whispered, your eyes falling onto the signature of your brothers name that rested at the bottom of the letter. It bore into you like a hot iron of red, and pierced you with cuts that stung achingly in the place your heart beat.

This war had been hard on all of the men that had trekked to the front lines, but the women who were left behind to mourn their families were torn with anguish too. You had lost people you'd loved, and with that thought, Tommy brought you close to him with strong arms.

"He was a brave kid. Braver than most men twice his age, and he did all of England proud" Tommy told you softly, running a hand through your hair as you cried against his chest.

"Brave and stupid" you almost laughed, wiping tears from your face harshly as you looked up at Tommy, his beautiful blue eyes piercing into you.

"Aye, us Birmingham lads are all a bit stupid" Tommy said with a smile, his hands coming to cup your face.

"I don't sleep so well either, you know. I just found myself sitting here reading these letters and thinking of everything and I've tried to sleep but I can't seem to" you told him, pulling away from him to fetch a cotton handkerchief that lay on a chair to wipe your eyes.

"I don't think I've slept properly in a year" Tommy confessed to you, his shoulders drooping with the weight of everything that has been weighing him down "but you've always helped me feel better, no matter what"

"I'm glad you came home, Tommy" you said to him, the pricking of traitor tears stinging your eyes.

"You're the reason I came home" he said softly, his eyes shyly meeting yours to take in your reaction, but you just stood there motionless for a minute as you took in his words.

"What do you mean?" you whispered to him, your voice shaking as you spoke.

"Every time I felt like giving up I'd think of you, or read your letters, and I knew I wanted to come home to you. I should have told you before I left how I love you, but I'm saying it now because when I can't fucking sleep or when things get too much its you I go to" Tommy confessed to you, a rare look of vulnerability in his eyes when you didn't answer right away ".....ah I don't know what's brought this on, just forget I ever said anything. I haven't been sleeping so I'm not thinking straight"

"You love me?" you asked him in disbelief, staring at him across your dimly lit parlour.

"Ever since you burst into our house, giggling with Ada on your arm" he said "we were kids, but I knew I loved you as sure as I know I love you now. If you don't love me too, I won't pursue you or torment you. I still want to be your friend, and hope that you don't feel like this has to stop you being a part of the family"

"Oh Tommy! I love you too" you rushed forward into his arms, and when he caught you against him it didn't take him a moment to place his lips on yours.

He kissed you softly and lovingly at first, but more passion was ignited in his lips when his rough hands came to your face. You clung to him desperately, never wanting to let him go, but he pulled away gently after a minute and allowed himself to take you in. His eyes studied every crevice of your face up close, and how your eyes sparkled with the light of the fire.

"Let's go to sleep, my love" he whispered to you, his thumb tracing the red jut of your bottom lip. You nodded, taking his hand in yours and leading him towards your room.

He lay in your arms that night, weightless with the peace of sleep that had eventually clouded over him. You just watched him as he slept, stroking his handsome face gently while not knowing how each loving caress of yours dispelled any nightmares in Tommy's head, replacing them with dreams of you.

[ifitlookslikeaduck]

The Legalization of Drugs

Most every consciously aware American has heard of “The War on Drugs” at some point in their life. Unfortunately, most even have at least one personal encounter with the adverse and negative affects of this “war”. Over the years there have been changes as to which narcotic garners the most attention, examples being the crack epidemic of the 80’s and the current opioid crisis of the last decade. Being born in an inner city and growing up around a tri-state metropolitan area, I was no stranger to the harsh realities of drug usage. Even more so now living in the most impoverished county in the state of Maryland, which is sometimes called the heroin capital, I have a very personal understanding of the negatives of use as I have encountered many users throughout my time and lost many friends to their addiction. The pain of these losses often makes us jaded in our understanding of narcotics use, but I believe a deeper look is warranted into what is to blame for our current predicament. Is it the use of narcotics themselves, or is our society’s approach to combating narcotics the true cause of such negative results? Are there any alternatives that may yield a positive outcome? And how does the current state of our society’s relationship with narcotics affecting our overall culture?

Although many would cite prohibition of alcohol to be the beginning of drug regulation in the United States, these measures actually began in San Francisco, California in 1875 as a way to control the spread of then popular opium dens (DEA Museum). While this was a state level action it laid the groundwork for these kinds of bans and legal actions to be taken on a federal and therefore national level. In 1906 with the passing of the Pure Food and Drug act national drug control measures began to combat the abuse of prescribed medicines by forcing drug manufactures to publish the ingredients used to make their products effectively killing the industry of patent medicine (DEA Museum). The Harrison Narcotics act of 1914 was the initial legislation that began a chemical scheduling of substances which was followed up by the Marijuana Tax act of 1937 (DEA Museum). Each of these federal actions set up our current system of drug control which is established through the Federal Comprehensive Drug Abuse Prevention and Control Act of 1970, better known as the Controlled Substances Act (NCBI). Under the provisions of this act narcotics and chemical agents are separated into five classes or schedules varying depending on the medicinal applications of the substance and its level of addiction. In this system, schedule 1 narcotics are considered to have the highest potential for abuse whereas schedule 5 are considered to have the lowest. A more elaborate explanation can be found on the website for the National Center for Biotechnology Information website which describes schedule 1 as “high abuse potential with no accepted medical use; medications within this schedule may not be prescribed, dispensed, or administered", while describing schedule 5 as “medications with the least potential for abuse among the controlled substances" (NCBI). Examples of schedule 1 narcotics are marijuana, heroin, and LSD, with mid-level schedule 3’s such as anabolic steroids and ketamine, while schedule 5 includes items such as Robitussin. 

The government in part serves a paternalistic function of creating structured laws and rules to ensure the safety of its citizens. For instance, wearing a seatbelt is mandated by law as a measure to ensure the safety of motorists and this same logic is applied to the scheduling and criminalization of narcotics. However, in the text The Legalization of Drugs philosopher Douglas Husak introduces two compelling arguments that counter the current system of drug control. In the first Husak speaks on the value of drugs as they apply to a recreational activity, and in the second, he addresses the counterproductivity of drug enforcement. The first argument contextualizes narcotics in comparison to legal drugs such as alcohol which is regulated and sold throughout the Unites States. Alcohol has adverse effects not only on an individual level, but also socially as the drug is highly addictive and is a leading cause of death yearly whether by vehicular accidents, alcohol poisoning (effectively an overdose), or a plethora of other related deaths. Further comparisons can be drawn to other life-threatening activities such as scuba diving, sky diving, racecar driving, and even combat sports which are all legal recreational activities. Through this lens banning narcotics is an egregious affront to personal freedom and liberty as it takes away an individual’s right to their pursuit of happiness. 

Husak’s second argument is the most pertinent to our current situation. As it currently stands our methodology for drug prevention and enforcement creates a variety of issues which are counterproductive to the original intent. According to the RAND corporation, an organization dedicated to researching and addressing issues of public policy, in 2016 American spending on marijuana, cocaine, heroin, and methamphetamine reached almost 150 billion dollars which is comparable to what was spent on alcohol (RAND). RAND also states that the sale of marijuana increased from 34 billion to 52 billion, a 50% increase between 2006 and 2016 meaning that marijuana sales are comparable to both cocaine and methamphetamine sales combined (RAND). The report details that heroin sales through the decade increased at a rate of almost 10% each year now making the heroin market closer to the market for marijuana than any other illicit substance (RAND). This is one of the most concerning facts as opium has been a target of drug control since the inception of these measures in the U.S. Recalling the action taken in San Francisco which initiated drug control, how is it that the longest regulated narcotic is the one with the highest increase in usage? If these current measures were working shouldn’t there be a steep decline in this area by now?

Between 2008 and 2020 there have been 324 fatal overdoses in Allegany County with 52 of those being in 2020, accompanied by another 715 overdoses being non-fatal (Prescribe Change). These numbers are continuing to rise here at home and are much more severe in areas like Baltimore City which totaled 1,028 fatal overdoses in 2020 (PC). In a 2018 survey conducted by the organization 67, or 4.9% of middle school students in Allegany County responded that they have abused prescription medications in a way other than intended and this number jumps to 212 or 13.4% of high school students who responded in kind (PC). In context to the earlier statistics, the trend is continuing with kids beginning opioid usage at a young age with the number of users increasing as they get older. The current methods just are not working. If the goal of these drug control measures is in fact harm reduction, what other options are available? 

The most common answer to the current epidemic seems to be a new method of harm reduction. Understanding the reality that people will always find a way to use if they truly wish to, safe injection sites have been authorized in some places around the world to help with the regulation of use and decrease the chances of fatal overdoses and overdoses in general. The largest majority of these safe injection sites (SIS) are located in Europe, Australia, and Canada and according to a group of 75 studies conducted in 2014 it was determined that SIS allow for better access to healthcare for marginalized users, reduce overdoses, and promote safer injection practices (NPR). The largest amount of research stems from two locations, the Medically Supervised Injecting Centre in Sydney, Australia, and Insite which is a location in Vancouver, Canada. Insite opened its doors in 2003 and has had over 3.6 million supervised injections take place at the facility whilst dealing with over 6,000 overdoses, all with no fatalities (NPR). If the goal of harm reduction is mitigation, these numbers tell the story alongside the facility reporting that there has been no statistical data to allude to an increase in drug usage. It was also discovered that within the first four years of operation Insite’s presence averted about 50 deaths, safer needle practices were used averting HIV, and more people were likely to begin drug detox than those who hadn’t had access to a SIS (NPR). Applying this information to the earlier numbers about Allegany County, a program such as this could have a substantial effect on the death toll.

There are an ever growing number of subtopics related to potential drug legalization and decriminalization including the dangers of creating a black market, however safe injection sites are so far a proven methodology to help combat the harms created by the restriction of narcotics. This method offers a significant reduction of harm to society by regulation and education which should always be the main goals when addressing societal issues at large, 

[kikistjames]

I usually do not like to discuss politics, conspiracy theories, or religion because it can get nasty very quickly. Usually everybody feels very strongly and refuse to entertain any other narrative but their own. However, I have been binging on documentaries the last few days and anyone that knows me would not be surprised that I I lock on a subject and exhaust it you could say. My current fascination... The War on Drugs. I started with “Cocaine Cowboys” and “ The Fall of Pablo Escobar and El Chapo” and then moved through “Crack”, “The Business of Drugs” and “America’s War on Drugs” etc. After my brain recovered from information overload, I was left with... BUT WHY.

Anyone with kids remembers that annoying phase every child goes through where they ask WHY, WHY, WHY! I have long believed that legalization may be a viable route to go. We are born with free will and if someone wants to put something in their body it’s their own business. I know that viewpoint is probably not the popular viewpoint, but making drugs illegal hasn’t stopped the use. Drug use is higher than ever, but now you don’t know what you are getting. You have to hope it’s safe.

I suffer from chronic pain due to fibromyalgia and osteoarthritis in my hips and other areas. I used to use opioid prescriptions to manage my pain. Due to the opioid hysteria, I am unable to get them any longer. My quality of life has deteriorated because I am not able to dull the pain. Anyway, I used to not understand how people could use heroin. Now I understand. My pain medication was a synthetic not even raw opium. It was a regulated prescription so I could count on it being the same every time. After watching all those documentaries my eyes have been opened about some things. The amount of government deception and involvement is appalling. I’m not going to get on a soap box, but you should watch for yourself. You would be surprised at exactly who is doing what. I can say that “Just say No” is the public face of the war on drugs, and the reality is “look the other way”!

[bangtansflower]

Opium Chapter 3

A/N: After redoing it many times I have finally finished the chapter It may seemed rushed? But that because I just want it to finally start moving! I do Hope you guys enjoy it as much as I enjoy writing it! I have also been very ill recently which also contributed to the delays.

Warnings: Drug abuse. Underage drinking. Suicide. Angst. Tons of it! Heart break. Lying BTS. Light smut! And I mean light! Just want to point out there that this is entirely fictional and that BTS and other characters in this fic are not based on real life at all.

Summary: You couldn’t believe it. He was back. Now that Min Yoongi is back in your life, it takes a turn for the worse. How could he just up and leave then waltz back in? And how could the guys you trusted with all your heart betray you like that. Struggling to cope with it all you turn to drugs and the comfort of Yeonjun and his older brother Sejin. Falling into a deep pit of despair is there any hope of you managing to climb out of the hole that just gets deeper each day?

Word Count: 2,583

Taglist: @babyjaebumie /  @i-am-a-teenage-dirtbaggg /  @cristi-loves-you​

Masterlist / Previous / Next (Coming soon)

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Groaning you sit down at the back of class, hood all the way up eyes squinting from the sunlight. You did not want to be here, especially since you knew Jungkook was going to be in class. A week had passed since you found out that Yoongi was back, and it was a whole week of avoiding the guys and their constant messaging asking how you were and worry about your well being. Scoffing you shake your head and check your mobile seeing more messages, ignoring the majority you scroll down to see if there's any worthwhile checking. Heart racing your eyes widen, tightening your grip on the phone you tap on the message from the unknown person. Oh how you wish that he was unknown.

Unknown: I know you have read my messages. I really do want to talk. It’s been a while.

Laughing to yourself in anger at the message you decide to reply. Just this once.

You: A while? A fucking while? You have got to be kidding me. Two years come back after you up and left and you think it's okay to waltz back into my life with a new girl in tow? Don’t kid yourself. Leave me alone and do me a favour, just disappear again.

Shaking in anger you decide to message Soobin and Yeonjun about the matter deciding that after classes ended for the day a night out was needed. You needed to forget and you didn't care how you did, placing your phone down on the table in front of you a wave of tiredness laced with sadness came over you. Sighing you rest your elbows on the table and place your hands on your head, eyes focused on the phone. You didnt realise a quiet Jungkook take a seat next to you. He observed you and concluded that something was truly wrong, you looked like shit and he couldn't help but feel he had some part to play in it. Reaching out Jungkook went to pat your back but froze midway, your phone buzzed catching both of your attention. Looking over at the message that popped up guilt overwhelmed Jungkook.

Unknown: Don’t bring Suran into this. This is between us. And I really do want to meet. I am sorry for leaving you like that. But I'm back now and it's not fair to the guys either. They are my friends too!

You finally broke. Tears started streaming down your face, leaning into the warmth of Jungkook. “I hate you” you whispered to Jungkook, tears falling down his face now too. Nodding he whispered back “I know”. Tightening his hug briefly before standing up he looked down at you and offered a hand. Taking it you gathered your stuff and the two of you left, class could wait another day.

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Silence surrounded the two of you, looking down at your coffee you bite your nails wish Yeonjun would hurry up. Jungkook took a sip of his iced lemonade before sighing sadly. “How long have you known?” The question made you jump slightly, looking up to him you lick your lips before darting your eyes away from his. “A week now” At this Jungkook nodded, he thought so, it has been a week since you stopped talking to them all. “I wanted to tell you. The first moment he came back I wanted to tell you straight away. I am so sorry. I should have told you.” Bending his head Jungkook started to cry silently. “Why didn't you then? You of all people should know what he did! What him leaving did to me!” You couldn't help but snap at him, anger bubbling deep inside. “Your supposed to be my best friend Jungkook yet you keep something like this from me! How long?” You stared straight at him. Confusion marred Jungkook's face at the question you gave. “W-what?” His eyes widened. “How long has he been back and how long have you known.” You could tell the questions threw Jungkook off even though he was prepared for it all. Gathering himself together Jungkook rubbed his eyes “A year he has been back. I was the last to know out of all the guys. I have known around 3 months.” Jungkook hung his head shoulders slumped, “I wanted to tell you sooner but Yoongi didn't want you to know yet, I don’t know why before you ask”. Your jaw dropped, a whole year he was back and most of the guys knew for the majority of it, you couldn’t believe it. “So much for being my friends” you scoff and look outside hoping to see Yeonjun soon. “We are your friends! We all wanted to tell you” Jungkooks voice cracked as tears started to fall down. Watching him you knew how sorry he was, you could always tell what he was feeling, tears falling down your own face you reach out and grab his hand. “You are stupid Jeon Jungkook” Laughing a little at this Jungkook nodded “Yes I am”. Looking at each other laugh escapes your mouth. “Y/N…” you jumped, not letting go on Jungkooks hand, and looked to the voice, smile growing wider through your tears you shift in your seat to allow the familiar faces to sit down. “Yeonjun! Soobin! What are you both just standing there for?” you joke before ushering Jungkook to make space too for the tall boy. The two boys glanced at each other before settling down in the boothe, you didn't miss how the boys kept glancing at Jungkook and how the latter shifted uncomfortably in his seat. Sighing you clear your throat addressing the three boys “So Jungkook is a dickhead” “Hey!” Jungkook shouted sitting up straight looking at you and your shrugged looking back at him. “What it is true” you stated which made him sulk and nod murmuring to himself something that sounded like “it could be worse”, rolling your eyes you carried on “But we have made up. He still is debt to me for lying but no beating him up please” You give your best puppy dog eyes to the two younger boys. “I mean, i still think he needs to be punched in the face but if your okay with it Y/N then I am too” Soobin answered leaning back in the seat stretching his arms out. Beaming at Soobin you take a glance at Yeonjun and see the boy still really tense. Sighing your rub his arm which catches his attention, noticing how he relaxes a little. “I am just worried about the whole thing. I won’t beat Jungkook up but i cannot promise for the others, and I cannot talk about the others in our group” He stated. “Sejin may look like he is the calmest about it all but he legit will go kill one of them if he saw them, especially Yoongi” he bit his lip avoiding eye contact with everyone. “Well we just need to keep them away from each other, I mean I have no plans to go and see any of them any time soon” taking a sip of your coffee you realise how calm you have become. It must be because you have your best friend back and the two boys who you think of as your little brothers. “Well tonight we are gonna do another night of forgetting” Soobin smirked glancing at his phone, you perk up at this news “Wait did you get some?” Jungkook tilted his head feeling a little left out and confused, “get what?” he thought to himself. Even Yeonjun who was tense before seemed to have relaxed a ton at this news “How much did you manage to get?” he questioned eyes lingering on Soobin. Chuckling “Enough for us three and more, much more”. Yeonjun let out a groan that sounded oddly sexual “Soobin, if you weren't a guy i’d kiss you right now” making you laugh. “Y/N what do you mean get some?” you jump a little and shift your attention back to Jungkook, the two boys slipping into their own conversation to leave you to explain. You glance back down at your coffee. It suddenly looked more interesting than the boy in front of you “Um well…it means get some” You look up at him and urge him to figure it out himself, you were in a public place after all even if you were in your own little corner. You could see the gears working in overdrive in the poor boys face, sighing you lean forward and he does the same “It means we have some drugs for our outing later on”. Shock glazed over Jungkooks face and you leant back eyes shut tight waiting for the shouting to begin. “I want in.” Eyes open wide you look at your best friend in pure shock, even Yeonjun and Soobin stopped their conversation mouths open at his declaration.

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Yoongi looked at his mobile seeing the message was read but no reply ever came. He was tired, he was tired of having to sneak around. He could tell that it was taking a toll on his friends, especially Jungkook. He wasn’t stupid, he could see the tiredness on all his friends faces, especially this past week, Y/N ignoring them is breaking them. Leaning forward on his desk he hid his face in his hand mind on overdrive thinking of all the possibilities to fix this situation he was in. Delicate hands went to his shoulders and started massaging, since when was he so tense? Relaxing he let out a big sigh and leaned back basking in the warmth. “What are you doing here so early? Don't you finish at 6?” he leaned all the way back to look at the woman who has his heart. Suran giggled and kissed his forehead “Yes I was meant too but I got let go early, it was really quiet” A smile graced her features making Yoongi smile too. “Besides its good I finished early because you are tense still and the guys are coming over later before we go out” She leant down and gave his forehead another kiss before leaning away “Now go start getting ready they will be here in 2 hours”. She turned and made her way to the kitchen “Hey! Shouldn't it be the other way round” He laughed whilst her laughter joined. A ding of his phone brought his attention back to the situation at hand. Staring at his phone sadness engulfed Yoongi, he knew what he did was wrong, and he feels guilty for it, but what could he do? All he hoped for was Y/N forgiving him and him being happy with Suran, but it looked like that would ever happen. More dings of his phone went off causing Yoongi to reach for it with shaking hands, since when was he shaking? Gathering himself he checked the messages.

Jungkook: Not coming out. Not feeling well. Think I have a cold coming on and don’t want to make myself worse. Have fun.

J-Hope: Yah Jungkook! Are you okay?

Jiminnie: J-Hope is right...you don’t sound like yourself…

RM: Jungkook you rest well okay?

Jin: We shall have a drink in your name! And Y/N! But in seriousness do rest well. And Y/N too...if she ever replies.

Suga: Have any of you actually heard from Y/N?

J-Hope: No we haven't but we will be going round her tomorrow. We all are worried.

V: Ever since Suga hyung left she would go into hermit mode once in a while so it's okay. Let's just think of tonight and have fun. We all need it.

Jimin: Wow V way to hit it where it hurts...Suga hyung already feels bad enough

V: What? It’s the truth. I’m gonna go grab some beers let me know if you want anything.

RM: V chill it down not tonight

Jin: Geesh everyone is so tense it's like the calm before the storm lolol

J-Hope: Aghhh hyung dont say that! Bad karma!

Locking his phone Yoongi’s heart raced, shaking he slowly stood up and went to the bathroom, leaning on the sink he looked at his reflection. At some point he broke into a cold sweat, his hair slightly sticking to his forehead, he was pale, too pale. Hermit mode? Did him leaving really break you that much? He was broken too but slowly started to mend himself together. The realisation of how much he hurt you slowly sinking in deeper and deeper, silent tears fell down his face. Hearing footsteps coming towards the bathroom he spun quickly locking the door and turning on the shower. A knock. “Yoongi you okay?” Clearing his throat he replied with a swift yes and that he was just getting ready and wouldn't be long. The footsteps of his love signalled she has left, stepping into the shower Yoongi let his mind wander again. He does love Suran, he believes that they are made for each other. But underneath his heart pulls him to think of Y/N. He did love you. Shaking his head he wondered, not did...does.

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Bright lights flashed all around you, arms in the air you throw your head back letting the vibrations of the music overtake you. With glazed eyes your spot Jungkook grinding on some random girl, ecstasy all over his face, smirking you know its not from the girl. He catches you watching and smirks back before ditching the girl to come over to you, slipping an arm around your waist you guides off the dance floor towards the exit of the club, you notice the evil look the girl Jungkook left behind and you decided to rile her up some by leaning up and nibbling on Jungkooks jaw. He paid no attention knowing your game, he only laughed and brought you outside the club. The two of you headed towards your spot, the spot where it all happens. Seeing Sejin already smoking away, you run and back hug him making him jump a little before he grunts and wraps an arm around you. Yeonjun is already puffing away eyes glazed more than ever, Soobin laying on the bench, eyes closed, revelling in the feelings, he truly was on cloud 9. Reaching into Sejins pocket you take out a small container and take a spliff for yourself and Jungkook, making Sejin roll his eyes “I swear you only love me for this” He joked a small smile on his stoic face. Giggling you peck his cheek before lighting your own, inhaling your bathe in the feeling, not noticing Jungkook taking the lighter out of your hand lighting his own. All five of you were too busy in your own worlds to notice a lone figure walking up to you.

“Y/N. Jungkook.” Jungkook was the first to notice, his back straightening but face neutral, he didn't put out his smoke, after all it would be a waste. Noticing Jungkook paying attention to something you follow his line of sight as best as you can from Sejins hold, you and him cuddling was something you both did when high, and you pout seeing figure, well there goes our fun, you think to yourself. Noticing the other presence Sejin decided to break the silence “If it wasn’t for Y/N hugging me right now you’d be on the floor with a broken nose by now”. Yeonjun laughed along with Soobin tears falling down their face from how hard they were laughing.

[johnshelbysbabygirll]

Lost without you - JOHN SHELBY X READER

Words: 2323

Warnings: angst, cursing

i’m back with a new one and i hope you like it 

and also, i hope tonight i will be able to post another one about Christmas. i’ll try my best!! xx

Today is an awful day. For you, at least.

You decided to stay home and not go to the betting shop, even if you know that Polly and Linda needs help. You didn't find the strength to face anyone. Especially John. He didn't came home in the last two days, but he is more than fine with fuckin Lizzie having a bloody affair.

The kids are outside with the nannies and the house is quiet.  You sink in the tub and you close your eyes, thinking and not wanting to think at all. But you don't understand what you did wrong. Why weren't you enough? Since the first day of marriage, you worshiped John and the ground he walks on, you always trusted and loved him. It was your mistake.

Back then, three years ago, he didn't loved you. He married you because that meant peace between your families, but days passed by and he started to love you. Or so you thought. You love his four kids with Martha as much as you love Mia, the only child you have together. But that wasn't fucking enough for him.

You were angry a few hours ago when you found out, but now you are just empty. And that it's worse. You keep your eyes close, trying so much to keep your calm and to not cry anymore. Your eyes are bloodshot enough.

But just a few moments later, you hear noises downstairs and you know that the nannies are not back with the kids yet; they just left. You try to ignore it until you hear his raspy voice calling you.

- [Y/N]? Where are ya love?

He keeps calling for you and you hear his voice and steps closer to the bathroom.

- Piss off, John! You scream when he try to open the bathroom door.

- What are you doin 'ere? Open the door, [Y/N]!

You don't move a finger.

- [Y/N]! He shout again and his voice was threatening.

Your heart jump off your chest when you hear a loud kick and in the next second the door was on the floor. John casually enter the room with a big proudly grin on his lips. He is bloody handsome only wearing a white shirt with the sleeves raised on his arms; he had just took of the tie and the vest. But you try not to think at that anymore cause he is a liar.

- Have you lost your fuckin mind?! You scream but you still try to keep your mouth close. Of course you can help it when he is smirking, knowing what he did.

- What's with this attitude? He simply ask and you don't answer. You don't even look at him.

- Do you think I'm a stupid-...He started his angry speech, but stopped in this tracks. Just fuckin answer when I talk to you, [Y/N].

- Can you give me my robe?

He is left speechless at your disobedience. Sometimes he loves that about you, but sometimes he just wants to fuck the stubbornness outta you. "Sometimes" meaning most of the times like right now.

- No, I can not. Stay naked.

You roll your eyes in annoyance, but you walk out of the tub anyway. You feel John's glare all over your body and your clit quickly start pulsing, but you remember the reason behind your attitude.

- Why are ya like this? Wha did I do again?

In the last months you and John argued a lot, but you always managed to figured it and ended up having angry sex and make up sex. Not this time.

- You forgot how to speak with that big mouth? He grab your hand and spin you around to face him. His face changed from angry to sad when he saw tears on your eyes and cheeks. Tell me what's wrong, love.

- You forgot you have a wife?! You scream in his face and pull your hand out of his touch.

- I had bus-...

- I do not give a fuck! You think I am stupid? You think that I don't know that you just started a war with the Changrettas? All for Lizzie? Think again, John cause I fuckin know and I am fuckin leavin for good.

John looked away from your pained face. He argued all day with Polly and Arthur because of what he did, but Tommy at least was on his side. He didn't expected you to know and he was caught up off guards.

- Of course Polly told ya.

- Ya, as a matter of facts, she fuckin did! Of course she fuckin did! If not, I would still wait home for ya lying ass!

You walk out of the bathroom with the robe on, but as soon as you enter the bedroom you start to get dress, John following you right back.

- I didn't lied to you and I didn't cheated. He says with a frown when he saw the bags on the bed.

- Then explain me. What the fuck that meant?

You can't look into his eyes, not when you can barely see cause of the tears. Your heart it's broken because of what you have to do, but you can't live with him knowing he cheated. You will miss him and the kids so fuckin much and it will hurt like hell, but...Maybe this it's not the end of the world.

- I just protected her.

- Why?! You screamed and you gesticulated with your hands, still crying.

He stay silent.

- Because you still love her. But you are so stupid, John. She is fuckin Tommy and you are right there, risking your life for a whore while I'm staying home all alone with our kids!

- She's not a-...

You glare at him with your eyes full of rage as you pointed your finger at him.

- Don't you dare, John.

You push him into his chest and you scream in his face, not wanting to keep your mouth shout anymore.

Don't you fuckin dare took her side in front of me!  

You want to push him once more, maybe even slap him, but he grab your wrists to keep you in place and you can see that he is angry as well, but you are angrier and you don't wanna behave anymore.

- I don't love her, [Y/N]. I'm not even sure I did, not the way I love you now.

- Then why did you do it, John? You whisper and you take a step back when he come closer to you.

He hesitate a few moments while looking at you. He talked again after he poured himself some whiskey.

- I guess I just didn't like the view of her with that worm.

- Jesus Christ...You don't love her, but you want her for you? Bullshit.

That's all you can say with a puff and a sad smile on your lips. You're clothes and things are already packed, so now you just have to left. But that was the hardest part. You grab the two bags, but of course he stop you by holding your arm. You are with your back at him and you turn around to face him, dropping the bags and angrily wiping the tears away from your cheeks.

- What do you want from me? You already took everything you could! My stupid innocence, my fuckin heart and soul! Now, do me a favor John and let me leave.

You cried in front of him once again, you're voice cracking at almost every sentence. John can see the youth dried off your eyes and body because of him. When he realize that, he let go of your arm a little and was now just holding on your fingers, not ready to let you leave for good.

- You want a divorce?

The words stuck into his throat, but he has to know what you wanna do. When you nod with tears in your beautiful but sad eyes, something inside of him just broke. You always had fights over stupid or not so stupid things, but you never wanted to leave until now and John never considerate it until this finale moment.

- When you marry a Shelby, you stay fuckin married [Y/N].

John speaks as you reach the door. He is pouring himself another drink, trying to look just sad at your decision, not broken as he really is inside. He only felt like this when he found out that Martha died. He glare at you and his voice sounds like a threat when he speaks, not being able to control him when he thought about you with anyone else.

- You won't be happy with another man, [Y/N]. I won't let you.

- Wha'?

You frown and you are shocked. You hear it from the first time, but you can't believe he actually said that.

- You heard it. No one's gonna touch what's mine and a divorce won't change shit.

You look away from his eyes; they make your skin burn even across the room.

- You know damn well I'm gonna have their eyes for even lookin in your direction.

- You're outta your damn minds, John.

That was the last thing you said to John one month ago. You never really saw him since that day and you don't want to. He didn't tried to talk with you once and that hurt you again.

The kids were staying at Polly's and you visited them a few times; they were fine, but they asked about you and their dad since he was never there to see them. You were furious, but you didn't showed that to the kids. You smiled at them, lying that their dad it's fine, just busy.

Back then to that day, he looked just a little sad about you wanting a divorce and that was all, he looked like he didn't care about you at all.  But that's what he wanted you to see. In fact, he was at the ground. He was in a awful state and his family started to get worried about his health. But somehow you didn't know; until one day, when Tommy told you to talk with him, to get a decision together and maybe to put him on his feet again.

So, here you are at the Charlie's dock since John was here for you don't know what reason. They were standing by the fire, drinking rum as you hear Charlie speak.

- You have to get her back, boy. Cause if not you are a dead man.

You closed your eyes and sighed. John just looked at him as he puffed on his cigar but his eyes laid on you even at this distance between you and them.

- [Y/N]? John asks with big eyes, blinking a few times to make sure he is not hallucinating from the opium.

You come closer to them and you say hello to Charlie; he says back smiling at you as he left you two alone to talk, already knowing you're coming from Tommy and Arthur. You stand by John on the log and a few moments you both are quiet until you softly speak.

- Why you didn't went at Polly's to see the kids? They miss you.

His head was falling in the front, he tried his hardest to keep his eyes open as he looked at the fire, taking with a tough voice. You never saw him this drunk before.

- Cause they would ask me about you...They love you more...Than they love me.

- That's not true, you say and sigh.

- What should I say to them? That you want a fuckin divorce, [Y/N]?

He stand up from the log and he wasn't stable on his feet. He was getting nervous as well, but you try to keep him calm. You hoped you two can talk peacefully without a fight, but it's impossible when it comes to the Shelby men.

- I do not want a divorce, not at all.

He turned to look at you, confused.

- Then?

You stand up and as you reached him, you tried to take the bottle from him. You grab his chin to make him look into your eyes and his fingers slowly let go of the bottle. His beautiful blue eyes are tired, bloodshot and troubled. You thought that he was fine with the idea by now, but you can see into his eyes in how much pain he really is.

- Then wha' do you want, [Y/N]? Cause I know I don't wanna lose you. I am...I am dead without you, I am losin myself.

His voice was raspy as he whispers, too drunk to talk without pauses, but you understand anyway and you know that he is honest about this. He is always open up to you when he is drunk.

- I spoke with Lizzie. I know you did it to protect her, but...Why you never talk with me? I wanted to hear it from you, John. Not from her.

He is trying to keep up with your words.

- I love you, John, I really do. But...Do you still love her? Cause if you do, I can't...

He stays silent and you close your eyes, scared because you don't really know what his silence means.

- No. I care...I care about her. You? You are the only one I love.

He grab your cheeks, leaning into you at the same time.

- I love you. I can't and I...I don't wanna lose you.

He softly kiss your mouth and you kiss him back, not being able to resist him. He let his forehead on yours and you were looking on each other eyes, you trying to keep him still. You smile at his words and you press a little kiss on the back of his hand.

- You won't. I'm yours.