#just directly responding to a message i wrote about antisemitism

[gingerswagfreckles]

Great I just totally blew up at someone online who did not deserve it at all bc I completely misunderstood something and now I want to kms.

[fromchaostocosmos]

Footage has emerged of Khymani James, a student at Columbia University and a leading figure in the ongoing "Gaza Solidarity Encampment" at the college, making incendiary statements—including "Zionists don't deserve to live"—during a video he appeared to have recorded in January. The video was unearthed by the Daily Wire, a conservative-leaning media outlet, after which James posted a statement on X, saying: "What I said was wrong. Every member of our community deserves to feel safe without qualification." On social media, James' resurfaced remarks have sparked a backlash from users, with one writing: "The internet lives forever. We know your true feelings. You are a clear and present danger to all people."

On April 17, students at Columbia University established a protest camp, dubbed the "Gaza Solidarity Encampment," to demonstrate against ongoing Israeli military operations in Gaza. Newsweek has contacted Khymani James and the Columbia University press office by X direct message and email, respectively, outside normal working hours. Thursday, the Daily Wire published a video of James making controversial remarks both during and after a virtual meeting with two Columbia University employees who expressed concern about earlier remarks he had made and indicated the matter could go to a disciplinary hearing.

In the statement James published after the footage went viral online, he said he regretted his remarks. He added: "I also want people to have more context for my words, which I regret. Far right agitators went through months of my social media feed until they found a clip that they edited without context. "When I recorded it, I had been feeling unusually upset after an online mob targeted me because I am visibly queer and Black."

Responding to James' statement, an X user wrote: "The clip is so egregious, you can't qualify it by saying 'well I felt bad and bad things were said to me.' Your statement also fails to say the word 'sorry.'" Another user commented: "What's up with pro Palestinians and their desire to kill? This is Khymani James, a leader of Columbia University's anti-Israel Gaza Solidarity Encampment. Just sick?" Earlier this week James organized a human chain to block a group of what he said were Zionists from entering the protest camp, urging protesters to take "one step forward" in unison and "push them out of the camp."

I'm very much do not like the Daily Wire and do not support their politics, philosophy, or views.

I do think, however, it is worthwhile to share the video they have of Khymani James statements. If there was another source that could provide this video I would use that instead of the Daily Wire, but unfortunately that is not the case.

Warning for antisemitism, Holocaust Inversion, and more.

Edit: (if anyone knows how to post it so the video plays directly in tumblr please either let me know or reblog this with that addition because ppl are more likely to watch it on tumblr then click the link, thank you)

[unwhitewashthebadbatch]

Disney Email Draft 2

(going under a cut because it's much longer. Here is the Google Doc link for anyone who would like to comment directly)

Reminder that we are encouraging critiques and comments regarding this email!

To Bob Iger, Kathleen Kennedy, Dave Filoni, Jennifer Corbett, and the creative team of Star Wars: The Bad Batch:

We hope this email finds you all well. We are fans of color, disabled fans, neurodivergent fans, and Jewish fans writing out of concern for the portrayal of our communities in the Disney+ series Star Wars: The Bad Batch. For several months now, we have been campaigning on social media to spread awareness about these concerns through #UnwhitewashTBB, a movement we began to raise awareness about the ways in which the series has poorly represented several minoritized groups of people.

Just like the creators of Star Wars: The Bad Batch, all of the creators of #UnwhitewashTBB grew up with Star Wars as the backbones of their childhoods, and for many of us, Star Wars: The Clone Wars was crucial to our development as artists, writers, creators, and lifelong Star Wars fans. We are all firm believers in the phrase “Star Wars is for everyone”, and we would like to see Disney support that message by hearing our plea.

As fans of color, as disabled fans, as neurodivergent fans, and as Jewish fans, we’ve seen ourselves on screen in both good and bad ways, but recently it has been more the latter than the former. One such reason is Star Wars: The Bad Batch, a show whose premise piqued many fans’ interest, but whose main cast has left an increasingly sour taste in the mouths of those who watched.

The series follows an elite squad of clone troopers who have named themselves The Bad Batch, due in part to their series of mutations that gives them an edge over regular clones on the battlefield. These mutations drastically altered the appearance of each of the members to a generally lighter, more Caucasian appearance--one that is inconsistent with how the original Jango Fett actor Temuera Morisson looks. Fans take issue with the implications in the writing and design of The Bad Batch: that in order to be elite, special, and better than one’s contemporaries--in order to have a story worth telling--one must also be white or as close as possible.

Merriam-Webster defines whitewashing as “to alter (something) in a way that favors, features, or caters to white people: such as to alter (an original story) by casting a white performer in a role based on a nonwhite person or fictional character” The #UnwhitewashTBB movement comes with two carrds explaining the grievances of the fans. A summary for each character is given below:

Sergeant Hunter, the leader, closely resembles Sylvester Stallone’s Rambo character, despite being a clone of a man of color. The importance of his character, the fatherliness he has with Omega, and his centrality to both their Season 7 appearance in The Clone Wars and the series itself sends the message that important people look

Wrecker is the demolitions expert, and he’s the only member of The Bad Batch with features similar to that of a Maori man’s, like Temuera Morrison/Jango Fett. He’s large with broad features, brown skin, and is a stereotype of men of color. His personality as first introduced to the audience was that of a loud, aggressive, impatient, slow man who called frequently for violence/destruction. He falls into the “Loveable Brute” trope, an observation that is supported by statements from supervising director Brad Rau and voice actor Dee Bradely Baker that Wrecker is like a little boy and has a heart of gold.

Crosshair is the sniper on the team, and he’s the most derisive of the “regs”--the regular clone troopers. Taken in conjunction with his appearance (inspired by Clint Eastwood), the various messages being sent by the writing and appearance of the other team members, and his comment about the regular troopers--the he and the Batch are superior and thus should join the Empire--his character pushes forth a message that there is superiority inherent in whitened or fully white features.

Tech, the technology specialist, has incredibly light skin and hair compared to the regular clones. His mutation made him a genius, with an IQ that outpaces that of any other clone in the Republic. Fans of color are upset that Tech’s genius mutation apparently also affected his skin color, as now this creates a direct link between intelligence and appearance/race. Contrast Tech with Wrecker, who is the exact opposite in every way, and this harm becomes only more apparent. In addition to this, many Autistic fans of The Bad Batch have noted that Tech, being “on the spectrum” (according to Dee Bradley Baker) is a popular stereotype of Autistic people: a nerdy-looking white man with a formal way of speaking who’s a genius but dismissive of others’ feelings. Baker also plays Tech with a British accent, further cementing the harmful message that intelligence is in some way connected to ethnicity.

Omega is the newest member of The Bad Batch. Despite being a pure Jango clone, she’s come out looking nothing like Boba Fett--she has lighter skin than he does, as well as blonde hair. Fans are concerned about the connection between genetic purity and light skin/blonde hair, as this is directly harmful to the people of color who don’t sport those features.

Echo is the ARC Trooper of the team, but many fans--disabled fans especially--fear that his series of disabilities have reduced him to the “droid sidekick”. Echo does not have a prosthetic, instead sporting a scomp-arm attachment that allows him to plug into computers but would otherwise hinder him greatly in daily tasks. He rarely is the focus of an episode, and the series has not given him as much attention as it has given characters like Hunter and Omega. Disabled fans worry about the lack of attention given to his medical trauma, and fans of color note that his skin color goes beyond what a brown man who’s been without sunlight for a few months would look like.

The issues do not stop here. Asian fans noticed and were harmed by a Tiananmen Square parallel in 1x10, “Common Ground”--a recreation that was led by an Eastern Asian-coded woman. Jewish fans are hurt by the antisemitic stereotype in Cid the broker, a greedy lizard woman who speaks with an accent commonly associated with New York Jews--and who is played by Jewish actress Rhea Perlman. Black fans were harmed by the whitewashing in Saw Gererra and the one other Black character in The Bad Batch being a Black woman who works for the Empire and burns civilians alive.

The full analyses can be found in the official #UnwhitewashTBB carrd: unwhitewashthebadbatch.carrd.co. We respectfully ask that you read this carrd and give a public statement in response to these criticisms.

Our movement has only gained traction since its inception on March 30th, 2021. A few months later, we wrote and released an open letter on Change.org to be signed by supporters of #UnwhitewashTBB, and every day it gains new signatures and draws nearer to the next milestone. A survey we released over a month ago has received over 1,100 responses and also continues to climb. The latter displays a range of opinions regarding The Bad Batch, but one sentiment stands out: Hunter, Crosshair, Tech, Wrecker, Omega, and Echo are written in stereotypical and actively harmful ways. Respondents were shocked at outdated portrayals of Autism, sickened by antisemitic stereotypes, and confused at how, in this current social and political climate, a family-friendly corporation like Disney could greenlight a series that sends a message that is the complete opposite of “Star Wars is for Everyone”. Some sample responses are below:

“I would just like to elaborate on the ableism aspect. As a amputee myself, I don’t like how Echo’s trauma has been ignored. The whole reason he is with the BB is because of what he went through. Losing one limb, never mind multiple, it’s extremely difficult. They made it seem like just because his prosthetic can be of use on missions, that means he isn’t grieving the loss of his actual hand. There is no healing or evolution. It also feels wrong to only address the fact that echo uses prosthetics for the sake of hacking into machinery. Prosthetics are so personal and become a real part of who you are as a person.” - Respondent 130

“...I can't believe Star Wars is still doing this, and that an entire team of animators with a huge budget can't get skin tone right. I didn't even know the clones were supposed to have a NZ Māori accent until a friend told me. That's a big deal, since I live in NZ and hear it every day…” - Respondent 209

“As someone who is neurodivergent myself, Tech and Wrecker just. sting, you know? in a “is that really what you think of us” kind of way. I grew up in an environment where intersectional equality was heavily discussed, and I can still miss things. Having Jewish friends does not mean that Cid’s antisemitic implications can’t go right over my head until someone points them out (thank you).” - Respondent 87

“As a fan of color, its irritating and painful to watch and be brushed off as "lighting issues" and see justifications made by white fans and producers...It also feels very bad to me that TCW spent 7 seasons with several arcs emphasizing that the clones were all as individual as a 'normal' person, but then undo all that with TBB, which centers a group of "special" clones (who are suspiciously white) and have them treat the "regs" as a homogeneous group who are lesser than them, and then expect us to find it within ourselves to put that aside to enjoy the MCs. The way the treat "regs" is very offputting and it made me dislike them since their introduction...Star Wars is no stranger to racist and antisemitic media, but I must say, the blantancy of Sid, a greedy lizard who essentially financially enslaves the protaganists, being Jewish-coded and being protrayed by a Jewish voice actress is really next-level even for Star Wars. As a Jewish fan, it really grates on me.” - Respondent 40

“I’m disabled and autistic, and the ableism is appalling to watch. Watching Echo be treated as subhuman for needing machinery to survive makes me feel like having implants to keep my spine from breaking itself would have me be the pitied member of any group. I am disgusted by the blatant antisemitism, as a fair number of my friends are Jewish and it hurts me to think that people can so easily hate others based on internalized stereotypes. Me and my friends have also critically analyzed the fact that, despite being clones of a character portrayed by Temuera Morrison, for some reason the bad batch look nothing like him in any way. No resemblance in any way: just a bunch of someone’s badly worked characters fraught with disgusting writing decisions and design choices that make no sense. It makes me angry to think that the writers for this show, and to an extent any modern writer, would believe that using harmful tropes to make a story is acceptable and someone brings in profit. I tried to watch it out of fact that my family likes Star Wars and we all grew up watching it, but all of these unhealthy assumptions and terrible choices in terms of writing and design leave a bitter and nauseating feeling.” - Respondent 605

In the survey, various questions were asked about fans’ feelings about The Bad Batch. Before reading the carrd, 34.7% of fans answered that writing was their least favorite aspect of the series, with the next being the main characters. Elaborations in the following free write made clear that the whitewashing and stereotypical writing were huge factors of these opinions. One a 1 to 5 satisfaction scale, 68.1% of respondents rated their satisfaction at a 3 or lower--again, due to the whitewashing and other issues respondents perceived in The Bad Batch. When asked to analyze pre-post carrd-reading feelings regarding the above issues, every category saw a marked increase in awareness of the issue at hand. The perceived prominence of the whitewashing went from 81.3% to 91.4% in respondents. The awareness of ableism jumped almost 30%, from 52.6% to 84.4%. The majority of respondents (59%) were not aware of the antisemitism in the series, but after reading the carrd, that statistic flipped to 80.5%, a near 60% increase from the original 26.7%. Regarding the other racist issues, the respondents went from 63.1% to 83.7%.

Fans of color, neurodivergent fans, disabled fans, and Jewish fans have been waiting for the day where we can see ourselves on screen a level of attention and care that makes us feel even more at home in the Star Wars community . If Disney’s message is truly family-friendly, if Star Wars is for everyone, then Disney needs to support these views with not just words, but with actions. Resolve the racism in Star Wars: The Bad Batch, take out the antisemitism, and treat your nonwhite, disabled, and neurodivergent characters--and fans--with the respect and dignity they deserve.

This will not be a benefit solely to the fans who are asking to be represented properly. In today’s time, popular media is facing a reckoning; media that is inclusive of and respectful towards minoritized groups ends up with leagues more popularity, high ratings, and good reviews than those that don’t. A recent and prominent example is Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings, a movie for which the inclusion of Asian-Americans at nearly all levels of production boosted its image and aided in its successful box office release. Black Panther is another prominent example--a movie spearheaded by Black people that completed its box office run at more than five times its initial budget in total revenue. The proper representation of people of color is a two-fold benefit.

Star Wars: The Bad Batch already has beautiful animation that reminds many longtime Star Wars: The Clone Wars fans of their childhood.

It is our hope that you will take our concerns as well as the concerns of others into account, and address the issues that we have outlined in order to better reflect the Walt Disney Company’s commitment to inclusive, diverse entertainment for audiences of all ages. Thank you for your attention to this issue.

Respectfully,

Fans of The Bad Batch

[a-queer-seminarian]

Edited March 30, 2020

__________

currently thinking about how Jesus’ entrance into Jerusalem was hailed and celebrated by the people -- how they shouted “hosanna,” an exclamation of adoration and praise; how they waved palms and spread their cloaks for his arrival........and then turned on him. let the Romans take him and torture him and brutally execute him.

and how because this happened to Jesus, he knows intimately what it feels like when similar things happen to us. when we are welcomed at first and then, when we fail to meet expectations, we are vilified and thrown out -- Jesus gets it. God really, truly, has been there.

a Black woman is employed by a church as part of a diversity initiative, and is welcomed by all -- until she starts pointing out things that need to change, pervasive issues of racism and misogyny and cissexism that should be addressed. excitement sours into resentment, openness into anger; she is ostracized, treated rudely, isolated until the environment becomes so toxic she leaves. she is blamed for the way things “didn’t work out.”

parents promise their son their love is unconditional; he grows up hearing the promise to “love him no matter what.” but these parents are also not quiet about making their anti-gay views known. he has to wonder -- will that unconditional love survive him going out?

a trans person comes out to their loved ones, who express support, a willingness to learn and a promise to work on the new name and pronouns. but months pass by and those loved ones are still misgendering them and growing more and more frustrated, not at themselves but at the trans person -- “Why are you making life so hard?” “Why can’t you just be normal?” “Why would you even want to change your body like that?”

a congregant comes out to her pastor and some of the elders of the church, who respond with compassion and a promise that she’ll always be welcome at the church. the congregant is relieved, and even emboldened to bring her girlfriend to church a few weeks later. but the pastor and some church members confront her, horrified -- “you can’t hold hands with another woman in a place of God!” “This is not okay! If you’re going to act on your desires, we will have to take severe action.” She realized that when the pastor promised her welcome, he’d assumed she would remain “celibate”...she goes home disillusioned brokenhearted. Church will never feel safe again, she tells her girlfriend.

i and people i love dearly have lived through some of these scenarios, and that kind of pain seeps into your psyche and nests in your bones.

but i do find comfort in knowing that my God has been there too -- that the God who throughout the scriptures professed to know, really know the pain and suffering of Their people (e.g. Exodus 3:7) did experience it firsthand. it breaks my heart that Jesus, whom i love, knows this pain too....but it also brings me comfort. because he gets it -- he really, really gets it.

and the God who knows, who sees, who feels with us, is a God whose power is compassion, suffering with and being moved to act -- God does not leave us alone when faith communities abandon us; God shares our pain when others afflict us; and God will act to make things right.

as we enter Holy Week, i plan to meditate more on Jesus’ pain -- the pain of rejection, of having loved ones turn on you, of being handed over to torture and death -- and offer my deepest gratitude for that ultimate act of solidarity with all whom the world rejects and tortures.

thank you, Jesus. you share our suffering always -- give me the courage to try to share your suffering with you, so that i may be moved to act for all who suffer today.

________________

So. I wrote this little reflection during Holy Week last year. We are now approaching Holy Week once again. I will be preaching (via the internet) at my home church this Palm Sunday, and so naturally I remembered, “Oh, I wrote a little something about Palm Sunday before, let’s dig that up and see if it was any good!”

I re-read what I wrote below, and was aghast. embarrassed. ashamed.

Because what I wrote has the same kind of antisemitic tinge to it that has enabled hate crimes against Jewish communities across the centuries.

“But I didn’t say ‘the Jews killed Jesus’ -- I made it clear that Romans are the ones who executed him!!” Sure, but I clearly imply that his Jewish community “let” the Romans kill him; I literally used the language “they turned on him” and rejected him.

When I wrote this piece just last year, I was so sure I was a Good Christian who Knew About The Dangers of Antisemitism In Christianity -- I patted myself on the back for knowing that the Romans are the ones who actually tortured and crucified Jesus. But I wrote this! Even while checking over everything I wrote and thought about Passion Week in particular, being aware of the horrific violent history of this week, this not-even-subtle antisemitic thinking completely flew past me.

What antisemitism continues to lurk in my theology, unchecked?

I think I’m ~so good~ at noticing antisemitism and other dangerous bigotry embedded in my beliefs and language. Clearly, I’m not.

This post spoke to a lot of people, you can see in the comments on it. Last year, I was happy to have moved them with my words. Now, I blush, knowing I let antisemitic thinking spread.

Now, I have no clue how to rethink the Passion narrative that is so central to my faith but so corrupted by antisemitism. How do we read the stories of Jesus being handed over to death without being antisemitic? We can remind the listeners that “The Jews” of Jesus’s days don’t = the Jewish communities that came after them and that continue today. We can remind the listeners that Jesus and his friends were also Jewish, and his was an intra-community struggle. But I don’t think that’s enough.

I have to preach in just six days about Palm Sunday -- a Triumphalist passage if there ever was one! How do I preach it without indicting “the Jews”? Especially now, in this time of pandemic, when people will be expecting my message to be about that very immediate crisis, rather than the timeless crisis of antisemitism in our scripture.

If anyone has articles for me, thoughts for me, I’m all ears. Here are a couple resources I’ve got so far:

I just downloaded an ebook called Jesus Wasn’t Killed by the Jews: Reflections for Christians in Lent

An article about the “Moneychangers in the Temple” that Matthew’s Gospel shows Jesus “driving out” directly after the Palm Sunday scene

A church’s reflection on Passion Week

“A Note on ‘The Jews’ in Palm Sunday’s Passion Reading”

I especially appreciate any Jewish person’s perspective, but don’t expect it -- I know y’all don’t owe me anything. I am deeply sorry for my role in perpetuating antisemitism, and I’m going to be working on doing better.

[butterflyinthewell]

I hope you listened to why people where upset with you and learned from it, rather than just freaking out and then brushing it off. Learn something from this, better yourself.

Let me be brave...let me be brave...let me be brave....

Putting trigger warnings here in case people don’t tag them in reblogs.

tw nazi mentiontw hitlertw death threatstw rape tw murdertw suicide baitingtw sex mentiontw gunstw violencetw anxietytw abuse tw emotional abusetw cyberbullyingtw anon hate (not for THIS anon, but for the kinds of things I mention anons sending to me.)

Hello, anon.

I didn’t brush it off at all. I apologized, but I don’t know if it ever got acknowledged.

I freaked out because the way I got attacked by anons triggered a flood of emotions related to being emotionally abused and bullied. I had no control of the response other than to delete the cruel messages and type out how I felt to contain my panic. 

The only anon I really responded to publicly was the one who said I was being manipulative for posting how scared, confused and upset I was. I was deliberately trying to avoid using tags that people surf or not tagging at all except for triggers so only my followers would see those posts. I used ‘actuallyautistic’ occasionally when I did panic. 

If I want a post to get attention, I make sure the first five tags are popular ones that get a lot of visits.

I made a mistake. I fucked up. I blew it. Yeah, I get it. It was not intentional at all, but people wanted to make sure I felt as bad as I could possibly feel about it over and over. It’s the exact mob mentality that terrifies me on this site.

I don’t resent being educated. I’m glad for that. I’m grateful and thankful for that. Somebody very kindly explained why the comparisons made people angry instead of saying “don’t compare these things” without further explanation. I can’t learn if I don’t understand why something is wrong. My brain works in specifics, if thing A is wrong, I need to be told that thing B and thing C are also wrong and why they’re also wrong, or I may not connect those dots. It’s autism brain, it’s been that way since I was a kid. That is not an excuse, it is an explanation. An excuse would be “it’s autism, I can’t help it and I don’t need to change my behavior” and I never said that about this incident.

Someone made the time to give me the “why” that I was missing. I felt like an asshole even though I had no ill intent, and I wish more people would acknowledge that my intent was not to cause harm rather than throwing me into the same box as people who are purposefully cruel. People have come to me with kind messages saying they know I wasn’t being offensive on purpose and I appreciate them very much, but I feel like the people who I accidentally hurt won’t ever acknowledge my apology or that I didn’t have ill intent.

Again, I don’t resent people educating me. I took it in and listened to them.

What I resent is the flood of people telling me that I should die, that I’m an antisemitic bigot, that I suck Hitler’s dick and that I’m a Nazi whore. People told me I should get murdered and thrown in a ditch. I had people telling me that I should slit my wrists, jump off a bridge and get raped. I had people saying I deserved every bit of hate I got and that I don’t deserve any of the friends I have on this site. I got called a “basic bitch” (whatever that means), a fraud and homophobic. 

Then I got told I was going to be shot and I wasn’t going to see it coming, which led to me being afraid to open my blinds or leave my house between Monday and Thursday. For my Holy Week stuff at church, I kind of sat or stood slightly away from people so if those shots came, they would only hurt me and not anyone near me. I acted more fine than I felt. I kept watching peoples’ hands for any sign they were taking out a gun. I only felt safe when in enclosed areas away from view of large crowds.

I kept it quiet while it was happening because I didn’t want to call attention to those kind of messages. It’s been about a day and a half since I last got something nasty in my inbox about the whole mess, so I guess people are tired of the whole ordeal. I sure am. 

I got the mob that I’m deathly terrified of. All for a mistake. I came very close to deleting my Tumblr. I got as far as my cursor over the button, but couldn’t click it. Deleting would disappoint more people than my mistake ever did. I remembered all the people who say my blog keeps them going, and I would be letting them down if I vanished totally. I thought of all the nonverbal autistic people who need lots of daily help and can’t make their communications understood who would go totally unacknowledged except as caregivers’ scapegoats without my posts telling the world that they exist and deserve love.

I never set out to intentionally hurt anyone, but I got treated as if I had. I apologized for what I said and adjusted the video to reflect why it’s gone so that people see the issue is dealt with and won’t feel the need to slam me all over again. I really wish people would delete their reblogs of the post, but I know that’s asking way too much.

I didn’t brush anything off. 

I really hope people didn’t brush my apology off. It’s really not fair to keep shoving a mistake at someone when they make it clear they learned from it and have been beat up enough for it. I get it, I fucked up and I’m sorry for the pain I caused.

But once you fuck up on Tumblr, there are people who see you as always a fuckup no matter how hard you try to do better after setting off the hate mob. 

Again, I don’t resent being educated. I appreciate that people educated me. What I do resent are the people who repeatedly shoved the mistake back in my face as if I’m not allowed to pick myself up and move on after learning from it.

That is the one downside about Tumblr. Mob mentality is a terrifying thing. 

Unfortunately, it’s one of my triggers when it’s aimed directly at me because the bullying I got in high school involved being publicly humiliated in front of crowds of other kids and being taunted repeatedly by members of the crowd afterward. 

There was a boy who threatened to rape and murder me daily, and nobody did shit to stop him. I was told “He’s just being a boy. Ignore him. He probably has a crush on you.” So messages about “you’re gonna get shot bitch watch your back cuz you won’t see it coming” had me going back to the thinking patterns and defense mechanisms I utilized in high school. I freaked out and made myself small for awhile.

Having my feelings dismissed as ‘manipulation’ are exact words my emotionally abusive dad uses on me whenever I’m not emoting “properly” according to some esoteric rules he never bothers to explain to me. That made me get even more confused and scared that nothing I said or did was going to be right and that everyone was going to hate me forever.

I’m not seeking pity, here. I’m explaining these things to you so that you can understand why I behaved as I did in response to the situation. I was taking measures to prevent catastrophic panic attacks that would’ve led to me deliberately getting cruel in attempt to scare everyone away. That would NOT have gone well, and I’m glad I recognized I was falling back into a pattern and wrote it out instead of being silent until I blew up completely.

For the record, again, I am sorry for the harm the Shatner letter post caused and I hope people acknowledge that yes I know I screwed up and I learned.