#just because they stuggle a bit with a few things doesn’t mean they struggle with everything

[noname-nonartist]

Just something I’ve noticed in a couple fandoms…

[dionysianfreak]

some spicy things I do in my practice because of ADHD

given that it's literally my brain, adhd takes over a lot of things in my life. it finds a way to wiggle into everything I do in both bad and good ways. it's just how it is being neurodivergent and it's just how life goes for me, but that doesn't mean it doesn't aid me in many ways. growing up we aren't taught about mental divergency. we're taught the abled and neurotypical way and that's it, but in truth neurodivergent people only struggle due to not having the resources to do things the way that'll let them work efficiently. so here is a list of ways my personal adhd effects my pagan practice and ways I incorporate it into my worship !

stimming

stimming ! i stim a LOT and sometimes, if the emotion I feel is strong enough, they turn to uncontrollable tics. this also means that when during things like rituals, I'll have to pause so I don't tic and ruin something. this is totally normal and okay ! I've never once had a problem with it, and the Gods just patiently waited for it to pass as it always does. we both know it's just something that happens and it's apart of me, it isn't something to be ashamed of or hide.

accepting stimming once I was diagnosed was also something I did as a devotional act to Dionysos ! instead of trying to mask or push down the urge to stim, I'd allow myself to just let it out. my stims vary between very overt to covert, and accepting the overt ones as normal was a feat worthy of devotion imo. you can also keep stim toys on your altar when you're not using them, if you wanted to.

time and schedules

consistent worship ????? never heard of her. same goes for offerings. sometimes I give 294894 offerings in a day and sometimes I've given one offering in a week, it just depends on my ever changing behavior. there's no need to be stuck on a schedule if you don't want to or even make one to begin with. when I first started out, I asked Hermès, Apollon, and Dionysos (who I worshipped at the time) if I should make a schedule and the no was so hard I haven't asked since. my worship is a part of my daily life, as just like I don't drive places every day I don't worship every day. both are still important in my life regardless if I'm actively doing it or not. if you stuggle with consistency, I urge you to speak with the Gods you worship and see if making things more fluid would help !

hyperfixation is also a pain in the ass sometimes, especially when it becomes something other than paganism. due to the free nature of my practice and that I've chosen to devote, it sometimes translates into "well I don't haveeee to do this" and suddenly poof, all the motivation is gone. it's VERY hard to come back when your brain is so wired on something else entirely, and I understand the feeling. during these times I personally do very small things to keep up. if I make dinner for myself, I'll offer a portion and eat with the Gods just to show that I'm participating even when I'm struggling to. the small things count.

RSD - Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria

my RSD is crippling in my life, and it's reach extends to paganism sometimes as well (if you're unaware, RSD is the extreme sensitivity to perceived rejection in any form). sometimes during readings I receive a card that I believe is saying something "negative". sometimes it's criticism, sometimes advice, sometimes it's a slap on the wrist, but no matter what it is in reality I'm at the mercy of my brain to interpret it. so this has lead to meltdowns, long depressive/anxious episodes, and crying fests when I think a deity is angry with me. it has gotten so bad before that delusions have appeared and made me believe false memories or feelings of hatred from the Gods.

it's so hard and I'm so sorry if anyone else has to deal with it. to help with this, I have to fight to remind myself that advice is not an attack. the Gods are trying to help me and, even if They were angry at me, I've made mistakes before and They've allowed me to grow from them. i also have a checklist of questions I ask myself to allow logic and reality back into my head. a few questions include "have i done anything recently that's worthy of anger from a God ?", "is this something that will last forever ?", and "is this a message that has something to teach me ?".

impulsiveness

ask most people with ADHD about being impulsive and you'll probably receive a nervous side glace. we're impulsive often, which can do a multitude of things in paganism. one, starting a devoting and never finishing it. i am SO guilty of this one, and it make me feel bad even now. i have plenty up unfinished plans, drawings, and other devotional items that look around and guilt me. I've been in this cycle for a year and I don't think I'll ever grow out of it, but from what I've noticed the Gods don't mind. doing some of a devotion is a wonderful feat, and the energy that took is a wonderful offering even if you don't finish it.

I'm sure other adhd people and probably some autistic people have been in the position of "I just discovered this new Deity and oh my god I NEED to worship them RIGHT NOW or I'll DIE". They're just SO COOL and you automatically feel a connection. then three weeks later you feel demotivated to worship Them and now you feel terrible about it. don't worry, me too. to help with this nowadays I personally honor for a bit then worship if the worship relationship doesn't involve any help between us. this is what I did with Pan, and it worked VERY well for me. i recognized our connection but I didn't feel the pressure to consistently worship Him.

back to the start of the second paragraph, if you're stuck in that situation just communicate with the Deity. it can be hard to admit you're wrong, especially with adhd. however, just sitting down and calling to Them to let them know how you feel and that you think you made a mistake is a huge communicative step !

demotivation

this. one. sucks. inbetween hyperfixations, being stressed out or anxious, going through a depressive episode, and more can cause very deep demotivation and loss of energy in people with ADHD and other disorders. sometimes I'll just lay in my floor with my headphones on for hours because I literally can't find the energy to get up. a lot of people worry that this directly conflicts with Paganism and would slow progress. i understand why it seems that way, especially since adhd is a very "GO FAST, DO THIS THING N O W" disorder. there's actually a few solutions here I can think of

devote your personal healing to the Gods as this can give your brain a "reward" and can help you personally feel better in many ways. after weeks without a shower, devote a bath to a Deity or maybe eat breakfast at Their altar if you haven't been eating much. allow Them to be your motivation

take a break entirely. paganism certrainly isn't a 24/7/365 commitment and your practice molds to your needs. if you're just absolutely knocked out and need rest, take a break. I've taken MANY breaks before. I've been forced on breaks too because the Gods noticed my mental health declining before I did. never feel ashamed for needing time for yourself

do multiple small things rather than big things. a little bit of your dinner when you eat, redecorate Their altar or space, listen to music that reminds you of Them, think of Them when you're out and about in case you see something. you can weave devotion into daily acts in order to reinforce mundane things you need to do and calm your mind about paganism.

and finally, miscellaneous list of other things I do that are too small for their own section.

if you need to keep track of divination readings, no need to write down every reading you've ever had in detail. you can voice record them as you go, take photos of the cards, or use apps like Labyrinthos that can act as a tarot log.

your altar doesn't need to look perfect, it should reflect your worship and your devotion to a Deity. this means if your altar looks like a mess, as mine ALWAYS do, it's perfectly okay ! clutter aesthetic altars are the most beautiful altars in my eyes, and they're so worthy of adoration. I've never once heard of a Deity disliking an altar, They appreciate our work to put in a space just for Them. let your altar look messy and wild as you want, altars don't need to be aesthetic or color coordinated

you see everywhere that many of us are devoted to one deity in particular or multiple, I fit in here too. i just wanted to say that you never have to devote to any Deity if you don't want to. you could worship when you need help from a specific Deity or worship a different deity every month. never feel like you have to tie yourself down just because other people feel comfortable doing so.

you don't have to celebrate every festival. it's okay to skip celebrations that don't really apply to you or are at an inconvenient time ! you could also reschedule if you find yourself wanting to celebrate but burnt out or busy.

[hyrule-kingdom-updates]

...Little bird...

Yes? Oh...sorry, could you help me gather more parts? I apologize...Terrako’s parts are scattered everywhere on the forest floor...I worked on him all night.

Hmm, of course. Have at it.

Thank you...

...

...

Little bird...I think you would like to vent to me right about now.

Is that right? What makes you think that...

You’ve been passive agressive to Link this whole journey, as far back as the Woodland Tower...

Really? Well, gee. I wonder why!

Zelda...

I apologize if I haven’t been the nicest possible person to that, t-that hero! That picture perfect hero—

Little bird...

Perhaps I should bend the rules a bit further to suit him then? Start calling him, “Your Highness” and such? Would that be more suitable?

I’m not asking you to like him.

Then what are you trying to say?

I am asking you to let it all out, and tell me what’s really wrong.

What’s wrong is that he...he’s—

You haven’t called him a traitor to the crown this entire journey. I imagine if that was the true root of the issue, you would be mentioning it more...And this isn't just about him, but others have noticed it as well.

...

Don’t keep it inside. Let it out, and out through you.

...I understand Link’s actions. More than you could possibly know...

...

...I...but I......I just don’t understand everything else! Even when he was just my guard...I liked talking to him. I liked having...a friend. Someone that was just normal...

...

You know, we had this peculiar conversation, back in Zora’s Domain. It was the night after we had recruited Mipha. I was outside, dangling my legs over the balcony and watching the stars, and it seems I had awoken him, as he came outside to keep me company. “Must always watch your back,” he said.

...and it was mostly quiet, as it always is with him. I think that’s another reason I liked him. It’s not that I liked to be one hogging conversation, but he just had this...understanding of how comforting silence can be.

So anyhow, eventually, I asked him, a bit spontaneously for the moment, “Link, are we friends?” And obviously he was a bit surprised, he does this cute little thing where he scrunches his eyebrows up and down for a few moments, as if the movement would do the sign language for him...but eventually he said, “Why do you ask?

I teased him a bit for the response, like, “Oh, well. I suppose that answers the question,” but he immediately started waving his hands frantically and backtracking. It was funny to see him react like that, most knights just say something like, “If that’s what you wish,” or “Of course!” because, you know...I’m a princess. So it quite fresh to see someone openly ponder the question.

So he says...he says, “Princess, it is of my humble opnion that you know better than anyone what you desire. That you make good judgement when it comes to your company. I think that I’m just a knight, making sure that an important someone is able to get home safely at the end of the day.”

So I think to myself, “Ah, so that’s that,” but he continues. He says, “But the thing about me, is that I think I’m a pretty good knight. A pretty good guard. Because there’s something that I can understand that most old guys don’t. When you protect something, when you guard something...the first step isn’t to pick out the best sword, or to practice your stance. You have to start by caring. You have you care, and understand, on some level, why you’re doing what you’re doing. Otherwise, you will never perform your best when the time truly calls for it.”

Then he says, “I won’t pretend to know everything about you. I won’t say that I know enough to call myself a friend, that’s your decision, obviously. But I don’t consider myself a simply a guardsmen on duty, if that’s what you were asking.”

...

We chatted some more, that night. Then the night after, and nights, and nights, and nights. And as we talked, and I talked, and he talked, verbally, mind you, we gain...I thought we had gained this mutual trust and understanding. He said that my stuggles were valid, he talked to me about how he wanted to please his family, and he said that, “In the end, I believe you can save us. Even if you don’t think it yourself.” And then he would stupidly add, “but hey, I’m just a little knight. So take my opinions as you please.”  

That was so, so... That was basically everything I needed to hear. It felt so nice. That for once I didn’t need to question whether someone was just probing me, picking me apart to see what was wrong. He was just...he was just trusting.

How much of it was real, Urbosa? How much of it was...was him? Did ever actual care? Did he ever actual trust me? Because the fact that he had held his true self back this whole time...it just means...I wasn’t good enough for him wasn’t it? I wasn’t someone he could have placed his faith into. I would have helped him, had he told me. I would have protected his father, and his father’s father, and every damn Hartell in this kingdom, because he was my friend! He was one of my only...friends.

I understand the guilt that comes with casting aside duty, how in the world was a child supposed to make these decisions? How was I supposed to be able to make these decisions? Oh but it’s not that, I’m just mad. I’m just frusterated because now I don’t know for sure if he was lying. If he was just saying that to throw me off the scent. He said he believed in me, yet doesn’t trust me with the knowledge necessary for me to fulfill my destiny?! What...What am I...?

...And now, now he walks the same path as I. Yet, he takes it all up with ease, as if any struggles were just an act, a fake limp to be on the same level as the hier to the throne of nothing. Now, he has no reason to hold back, now he can look down on me all he likes. As soon as all his desires are met, as soon as the coast is clear. He excels. Higher than ever before. And I’m still left in the shadow of the greater hero, who told me he was “just caring for a someone.” I look like a fool. 

...

I have Impa, I have you all. And I love you all, dearly, yes I do, but it’s not the same. I must—I have to lead you, I have to light the way, but him? He was supposed to be my equal. He was supposed to be someone I could confide in without bias, and now he’s placed in the perfect position to look down on me? And I even helped him! I placed him there...why am I so stupid. What’s wrong with me...Why couldn't he believe in me like he said...

Why did my friend have to lie?

...

...

...

......Is that what you wanted? It’s out of me now. It’s not out and gone, but at least it’s out there.

... Zelda, I will not pretend to understand everything your going through. Even Hylia herself lives in mystery. 

But I can offer you this. You shouldn’t give up on trust so easily, your time together clearly wasn’t worth nothing.

I tell you this, little bird.

That boy...is a terrible liar.

I think, if anything he said was false, you would know immediately. 

...

It hurts to be betrayed, but it’s worst to let it fester, to let it plague your judgement for the rest of your life. Life isn't always a pattern.

I think you know that too, deep down, that Link isn’t like that. I think you know that you both could still repair what you had, but you’re acting like this because you’re scared. And that’s alright. These things take time. But you must understand, even casting aside the fate of the world you both have...you, you don’t deserve to walk alone, no matter what it is. 

...

You don’t have to be nice, but you know this isn’t the right way.

... It’s like bad advice.

Hmm?

Sorry, not you. This isn't...I know where not to go. I guess if I really want and answer...I should talk when I'm ready, but...that's not yet. You’re right as always, Urbosa.

Haha...well I wouldn’t say that. Wisdom only comes from years of foolishness.

Is that so?

Heh. Well, perhaps I’ll bear the Triforce of Wisdom, yet.

[okaybutlikeimagine]

Since the quarantine started I've been trying to keep myself in shape, and I started to do exercises every day, feeling completely incapable. 😂😂😂 Imagine Billy trying to be some sort of personal trainer for Jonathan, mostly because he noticed that he doesn't move enaugh, but also because it's funny to watch him stuggle while Will and El laugh their asses off.

first of all: i FEEL it!! dude i keep trying to do things and then my mind is like: you’re real funny to think i’m ever doing anything physical ever again

I’M CACKLING i absolutely cannot!! Billy and Jonathan's relationship w/ each other makes me laugh and this??? has me rolling. you just know Jonathan would NOT want this. he'd push so hard against this. (also sorry i kind of gave this a plot WOOPS)

Okay, if this was a modern AU/if i ever could rip my absolute love for the 80’s away from myself enough to WRITE a modern AU, i think this would make the PERFECT ONE. like….. Imagine Billy filming shitty little videos on his camera/phone for social media (snapchat or instagram or like……. Vlogging for his fitness youtube channel or some shit, idk, i don’t use social media enough but you get the idea) and being like: “Alright guys… day one of turning local twig into more than just skin and bones.”

And he’s sauntering to Jonathan’s room as he talks and turns the camera around to find Jonathan’s door open and him laying on his bed like, reading or going through his camera or something looking at and deleting pictures he doesn’t like/need/whatever and Jonathan looks up, just barely perturbed bc it’s just Billy and his door is open so he kind of asked for this and the camera catches the exact moment that Jonathan’s face switches to -oh shit oh no Billy has his camera out- and he just goes: “What are you doing?”

And Billy turns the camera back around to him and you can see Jonathan’s little head and scared little face in the background behind Billy’s shoulder as Billy says: “Training day!” with the biggest, widest, most malicious grin on his face as he fucking trust falls back onto Jonathan’s stretched out form.

And Jonathan starts scrambling trying to get up but he’s really just flailing his limbs, eyes going wide as the camera gets blurry and there’s a thump and an-

“Ooof!”

And then Billy’s cackling.

And Jonathan’s voice is strained- sounds like someone’s practically choking him- as the camera focuses on Billy’s grinning face and skinny hands that are pushing at his broad shoulders and his cheek (which makes Billy grimace bc he doesn’t like his face being touched thank you) and Jonathan says: “Get off, you’re heavy.”

“First exercise! Push me off yourself.”

“What?” Jonathan squeaks. “No! I can’t! You’re like, a million pounds.”

“Million pounds of pure muscle, baby.” Billy says as he lets all that muscle go and becomes absolute dead weight onto Jonathan who is struggling.

“I hate you so much.” Jonathan wheezes, shoving at Billy, pinching him a few times until Billy smacks Jonathan’s hand hard enough to make him whine, laughing about how that’s cheating, jackass

You’re the one who won’t get up, asshole.

Yeah, well maybe after this we need to work on your reflexes, slow poke.

And it goes on like that. At first Billy does it randomly bc it’s kind of just a joke, like: “I think I wanna mess with Jonathan today. Let’s go.”

But then he gets kinda serious about it and it becomes an actual series of videos like: “Day 5, cardio day! If he can do it, then you can do it.”

“Ha ha, very funny.”

Billy shrugs, grinning at the camera with an: “I think it’s pretty funny...”

Jonathan shoves at Billy, who in turn shoulders the boy back and makes him lose his balance.

The curly haired boy sends a knowing look to the camera.

“And this is why we’re doing this.”

“Whatever.” Jonathan mutters.

And it’s kind of fun for both of them, honestly!! Jonathan gets into it (even though Billy’s a little aggressive in his ways…) and absolutely does NOT look at any of the comments. Billy does though, and likes to tell Jonathan all of the ones that 1. Playfully make fun of him and 2. Are like…… really oddly and kind of grossly horny for him (bc Jonathan’s face gets red and he always tries to run away as quickly as possible bc our boy is a Shy Lil Bean who does NOT want to hear about how some random girl or guy on the internet thinks Jonathan is “just cute enough to eat the fuck up”) there are also some extremely rude people who shit on Jonathan constantly but they’re bullies and Billy always tells them off right before blocking them completely.

ANYWAY enough of that, let’s get back to the 80’s please!

No vlogging, no comments, just Billy walking out of basketball practice to his car to go hang out with Steve, heading around the back of the gym so he can avoid as many people as possible, when he hears a very familiar sound.

He looks over, out of instinct and curiosity bc yup, it’s a body being slammed into the chain link fence that surrounds the school. And his sauntering slows, curiosity fully taking over because hey, he must know the dudes that’re fighting, and gossip is one of the only interesting things in this town and-

Shit.... Shit, he knows that floppy hair.

It’s Jonathan. Billy doesn’t have a good view of the guy who’s pushing him but the two boys behind him are Jacob and Trevor so he figures the dude acting as the aggressor must be that jackass Zack Olson. The boy’s a punk. Billy keeps a careful watch of the scene in front of him, wondering what the occasion is.

And then the boy, with a hand still on Jonathan’s jacket, reaches his fist back for a punch. Billy does all he can to keep himself from going over there. Something about the need to “fight your own battles” or whatever filtering through his head when-

The boy punches Jonathan’s stomach. Billy’s mind is racing, blood starting to boil, shifting his weight.

C’mon, bud… fight back… I know you can-

He gets shoved back against the fence again, before his shin is getting kicked and-

Nope nope nope-

Billy’s kicked into gear. He’s stalking over there, getting faster with each aggressive move and the assholes are goddamn cackling and Billy’s blood is boiling and it seems like Jonathan’s had enough at this point bc he ducks out of the way quickly and then Billy’s veering for the hole in the fence and he’s stepping through it and he slams his hand against the fence, the rest of it shaking noisily as all 4 of the boys swing their heads over to him.

“Hargrove!” calls one of the boys.

“Get out of here.”

“C’mon… we’re just having some fun-”

“Get… out... unless you want your nose broken in multiple places.”

Fear fills their eyes, but they don’t leave without a scowl.

And then Jonathan is there, coughs a little bit, and Billy’s mad.

“Hey.” Jonathan mumbles, pushing off the fence to walk past Billy but Billy grabs his wrist before he can get away.

“What was that?” He asks, teeth clenched because he’s confused and is trying to make sense of this. “You just let those guys beat you up like that?”

Jonathan shrugs.

“I don’t understand you.” Billy continues, sitting in his hip, still keeping hold of the thin wrist. “Those guys are punks… You beat up my boyfriend, didn’t you? What are you doing letting those guys do that to you?”

“I don’t like to fight.” Jonathan mumbles and Billy thinks he needs to clean out his ears.

“Don’t like to fight?” Billy laughs disbelievingly. “From what I hear you beat Steve up to a fucking pulp and you don’t like to fight? Don’t give me that shit-”

“Yeah, because Steve was saying stuff about Will and… and my mom. So.” Jonathan looks Billy in the eyes but Billy’s too busy being shocked by the words.

He knew Jonathan beat Steve up in an alley. He knew Steve did some pretty shitty stuff leading up to it. He knew Steve incited it. He knew Steve was sorry sorry so sorry... but he didn’t know it got so personal. He didn’t know Steve said shit about the Byers. Steve never wants to talk about it and, frankly, Billy never wants to ask. But this seems important. Maybe he will. Because… well-

“.... He said shit about Joyce? And Will?” Billy’s grip loosens.

“Yeah…�� Jonathan mumbles, hanging his head again, shaking his wrist out of Billy’s hand. “But he- he didn’t mean it. He was just mad. He apologized. A lot… it’s fine.”

Billy’s gonna have to ask about that. But for now he’s got a shaking boy in front of him that for some reason he like…. Actually cares about now and it’s weird but it’s not horrible and… and he doesn’t wanna see this boy get hurt when he knows the boy himself can prevent it.

“Huh…. well you’ve got reflexes obviously. Don’t tell me it’s some ‘monster’ side of you or something- you’ve got practice.”

“Yeah well…. I used to….” Jonathan’s voice gets far away. “I used to have to fight my dad off...”

“Oh…. huh.” Billy knew that too. Vaguely. Knows Jonathan’s dad was an absolute asshole and Jonathan used to have to keep him at bay so he wouldn’t hurt Joyce or Will. Still doesn’t make it any less shocking to know that their little family has roots in so much pain and fear. They’re such a good family now. They didn’t let it break them apart. Joyce fought for them and… and Billy can’t think about that too much. “So what, you’re one of those guys? Hero type, won’t fight unless you need to or whatever.”

“You do the same thing.”

“Do not-”

“Most of the time you do.” Jonathan says with an eyebrow raised. “C’mon Billy, you can cut the tough guy shit. I know you now.”

Billy’s not having it. “Yeah, whatever, this is about you. Maybe if you had some more meat on your bones they wouldn’t be able to push you around like that.”

“It’s not that, they’re just jerks-”

“Yeah, and you’re not exactly intimidating-”

“It’s fine, Billy, stop pretending like you care-”

“I do care, you asshole.”

“Then quit worrying. I’m fine, I’ll take care of myself, I can handle it… it’s fine. I just don’t like fighting.”

Billy’s irritated, but he’s too tired to fight because he already knows the two of them could go at it forever. He just watches Jonathan shrug his shoulders harshly as he backs up before he turns, slips through the hole in the fence, and stalks away.

Billy rolls his eyes.

But when he’s with Steve, he brings it up. The fact that he saw Jonathan after school (Steve asked how he’s doing), the fact that he saw Jonathan getting beat up (Steve sat up with concern and asked if he stopped them), the fact that Jonathan told him he doesn’t like to fight (Steve nodded with understanding, like he knew that already), the fact that-

“Jonathan said you said shit about Will and Joyce.”

“Hu-... oh…”

“That’s why he beat you up.”

“I… I didn’t mean it. He knows I didn’t. I swear I didn’t, I was just… it was a lot that was happening and-” Steve is stammering. Billy starts to feel bad about it. “-there’s no excuses. No no, there’s no excuses, I shouldn’t make excuses, I was an asshole and I shouldn’t have said that shit no matter how angry I was because they… they didn’t do anything and Will is such a good kid and Joyce is like… one of the only people that actually ever seems to care and-”

“Babe.”

“And I didn’t mean it, I swear-”

“Babe.”

“H-huh?”

“I know.” Billy says, grabbing hold of Steve’s face to get him to calm the hell down. Steve breathes.

But Billy still doesn’t know what to do about Jonathan. And Steve tries to reassure him that- “He knows what he’s doing. We know he can fight them off he just… doesn’t want to. Can’t make a horse eat the hay or…. Whatever it is. What is it? Can’t get an old dog to… drink from a river?”

Billy rolls his eyes, but his heart beats a little faster.

“You’re such a dumbass.”

Steve tries to be resentful but he’s being kissed so he doesn’t exactly have the opportunity.

But Billy isn’t okay with this!!! He truthfully doesn’t know how Jonathan even has the reflexes he does still bc Lonnie’s been gone for a while and all the boy does nowadays is lay around the house…. Literally that’s it. At any given moment of any given day he’s laying on the couch, laying in his bed, or running around with his camera- and by ‘running’, he really means ‘ambling’ bc the boy has absolutely no sense of urgency.

He likes to say that he had “enough urgency back when I thought my brother was dead. I’d like to take a break now.” but Billy likes to say: “That was two years ago, you lazy fucker.”

So.

And Billy can’t really be lead to believe that sex with Nancy is that much of a fuckng cardio work out. Billy doesn’t know hardly any details of the two and their sex life because he doesn’t want to know but Billy can bet the two of them are the most vanilla people on the planet. And Nancy is tiny, it’s not like lifting her would be that much of a physical strain. For anyone.

So...

He’s like…. upset about this. Jonathans carries himself very differently when he’s at home than when he’s at school but it still bothers Billy bc why. And he figures it must be bc the boy just isn’t physically capable of being confident in a place with so many people. Figures maybe Jonathan just wants to be invisible when he's at school and so he shrinks but Billy just doesn't understand. And now all I can think about is Billy being a really fucking aggressive version of Glinda from Wicked and Jonathan is Elphaba and Billy just stands in Jonathan’s doorway, large and intimidating presence that he is, and says: “Jonathan, I’ve decided to make you my new project.”

And Jonathan, who’s laying in bed eating popcorn and flipping through his photo album as he listens to R.E.M. just gives a very disinterested look in Billy’s direction and says: “You really don’t have to do that.”

And Billy sits in his hip and raises and eyebrow and rolls his eyes and says: “I know…” on a sigh, with a vaguely exhausted and yet somehow cocky “That’s what makes me so nice.” tagged onto the end.

“Think I’m gonna have to disagree-”

“No time. C’mon. We’re going for a run.”

And Billy tries not to give the boy much of a chance, but he makes it so difficult. For as thin and lazy as the boy seems to be, Jonathan has a lot of fucking endurance. He can fight Billy on this forever and Billy really just wants to pick him up and throw him in front of the weights and make him lift them but like… he knows he can’t so he gives up for the day.

But then one day he catches Jonathan asleep on the couch.

So he scares him awake.

“Shit!” Jonathan jerks, sitting up and looking into Billy’s face and sighing harshly. “Billy! Are you trying to kill me?”

“Did that get your heart rate up?”

“Yeah, you nearly scared me to death.”

“Great, we’re going for a run.”

“No.”

“Yes, we are. 5 laps around the house and then we’ll see where you’re at, c’mon.”

“Billy I said no.” And Jonathan pushes himself up and starts heading to the kitchen but Billy just isn’t having this because… because he knows Jonathan was getting smacked around again yesterday. Knows he got harassed after gym class. Billy saw it. He’s mad about it and he thinks he can do something about it so he’s gonna and…

Billy grabs hold of the back of Jonathan’s shirt and yanks him back.

“Billy!”

“You think you’re good? Fine then, fight me.”

“No.”

And Billy keeps hold of Jonathan’s shirt even as he struggles out of the way and Billy knows the boy used to be able to hit and take a punch in return but he just… he needs to really know. If Jonathan can get away from him then he’ll leave him alone but only then.

Jonathan struggles. “Let go of me.”

“You get away yourself.”

“Billy-”

And Billy pulls Jonathan back some more so he can pin him against the wall aggressively and Jonathan shrinks and Billy’s got him against the wall, hand to his chest, arm’s distance away from him, waiting for Jonathan to fight back and-

“Fight back.”

“I don’t want to!”

“Do it. Try and get away.”

“No!”

“Why not?”

“Because I’m at home! I don’t… I don’t wanna fight in my house! Not in the house, just-stop. What if Will walks in?”

And the words strike Billy harshly. Like he’s the one that’s taken a blow, like Jonathan just punched him and-

And suddenly Billy feels like an absolute asshole. Because he’s being a bully. He’s bullying Jonathan in his own home, even when he’s being asked to stop. He’s an aggressor. He’s being their fucking father and maybe the intent isn’t malicious but that doesn’t change a whole fucking lot, now does it? He knows it doesn’t. He loosens his grip, unsure how he could have let himself get this far. He tries to convince himself that it’s not like that... but he knows that Will wouldn’t see it that way if he were to walk in.

He lets go of Jonathan. They stand there in silence.

But Billy’s still just not okay with this.

“I just… I don’t wanna see you get pushed around anymore.”

Jonathan rolls his eyes.

“Then look away.”

Billy growls.

“No, you idiot. Don’t you… you affect Will too, y’know!”

Jonathan eyes Billy darkly. “Yeah, what are you talking abou-”

“What do you think he would think if he saw you getting pushed around? He’s gonna think it’s okay to let people do that to him!” Billy’s getting riled up and really he feels kind of stupid being so affected by these people he gave absolutely zero shits about a little over a year ago but… but now.

Jonathan’s mouth screws up in thought and irritation. Billy’s trying to hit it home.

“He’s not gonna stand up for himself because you don’t.”

Jonathan slumps against the wall. Billy thinks he’s got him.

“I still don’t see why you care.” Jonathan mumbles, eyeing Billy with a curiosity that’s colored with disdain and Billy’s a little sick of that face.

“Because you guys are my family now, jackass.”

Jonathan scoffs disbelievingly. “I really never would have pegged you for being such a ‘family guy’, Billy.”

The words leave something bitter in Billy’s system. He licks his teeth . “Yeah, well, maybe I don’t wanna be like those assholes.”

Jonathan sizes Billy up for a second… and Billy knows he’s got him.

“Fine.”

Billy’s grin becomes shark-like. If that scared look on Jonathan’s face is regret… well it’s too late for that.

And so Joyce comes home from her shift at the store to find her son…. Running…. Around the outside of the house……

“Uhm… Hi honey.” Joyce climbs to the porch, turning around as Jonathan stops in front of her.

“H-uh… huh… huh… huh…h-uh-”

“Don’t stop! Who said you could stop?!” Comes a voice that makes Joyce jump.

Billy jogs up, looking up at Joyce and giving a polite smile.

“Hi!” He says, hands on his hips, slightly out of breath but looking rather unbothered compared to Jonathan who’s currently bent over wheezing.

“Uhhhhhm…. What’s going on?”

“Jonathan’s my new workout buddy!” Billy says triumphantly, patting a large hand harshly on Jonathan’s back and causing the boy to cough in response.

Joyce looks concerned. Billy’s not too worried about it.

“Uh huh. Alright then… well, I’m just gonna start on… dinner…. Then….”

“Sounds good.” Billy pats Jonathan’s back harshly, barking again once Joyce has her back turned. “Alright, 5 more!”

“B-but! We just did 5!”

“Yup, and we’re doing 5 more. C’mon, the longer you stay standing the harder it’s gonna be, now move!”

And Jonathan’s getting shoved and then the two are running, Jonathan flailing a bit more with every step he takes but hey…. All that stuff about Rome and taking time and whatever… Billy thinks that applies here.

And so the two of them work out and Jonathan kind of 100% wants to quit every time they start (esp bc Billy seems to know exactly when it’s inconvenient for Jonathan to start working out and picks that exact moment to bug him) but…. It kind of feels good... he guesses.

And Billy pushes hard at first. And he makes Jonathan eat more. Like… a lot more. So much more, in fact, that the boy vomits and Billy realizes he may need to pull back because: Hey…. maybe he can’t force too much too quickly. He’s just trying to get the boy to carbo-load so he gets some kind of muscle.

He wants to track it too (because maybe this is his calling or something), so he asks Jonathan for his camera and pulls him in front of a wall.

“Uhhh… please just… just be careful with it.” Jonathan insists, holding onto his camera until the last possible second but eventually having to concede to allowing the camera to lay in Billy’s large hands.

“It’s fine.”

“Put the strap on. It can’t fall if you-”

“I’m not putting on the stupid little strap, I’m not trying to look like a loser, I’m just trying to get a picture.” and then he’s twisting and flipping the camera around in his hands, mumbling: “Now how do I…?”

“Be careful.”

“I’ve got it!” Billy barks, eyebrows furrowing. “I’m just looking for the-shit!”

“Ah!” Jonathan cries, moving lightning fast towards his camera and catching it before it hits the ground. His breath is labored from his fear. “What the hell! Be careful, asshole!”

Billy’s heart is racing too, fear flashing in his eyes as he watched the camera start to fall to the ground. He takes a second to collect himself.

“Cool. Good. I was just testing your reflexes.”

“Yeah, it has nothing to do with the fact that you’re a clumsy piece of shit.”

“Hey.” Billy growls, reaching to grab for the camera again but Jonathan holds it away. “Keep that up and I break it for real.”

“Yeah yeah.” Jonathan says, completely unconvinced, flopping the camera strap around Billy’s neck and catching his head a bit.

“Hey, watch the hair!”

“Woops.” Jonathan mocks like a piece of shit and Billy’s gonna fight him just for being irritating. Jonathan steps back up against the wall once he’s satisfied that the strap is on properly.

“Alright, say cheese.”

“Cheese.” Jonathan mumbles and the flash goes off.

And the two of them work out every day!! And every week Billy pushes Jonathan to stand against the wall and takes some pictures, some with him flexing (I feel stupid, Yeah well you’ll feel less stupid once you’ve got something to flex, now shut up and stay still).

And Jonathan is sore. Like… all the time. El laughs about it when she tries to mess around with him and he winces in pain. Will is a little worried but it makes him giggle.

One day the two kids are sitting in the room, eating lunch and watching TV, when Billy decides it’s time to lift weights in the living room. And so they do. And Jonathan’s just lifting the bar and it’s difficult. And Billy likes to show off so he’s lifting a shitton and yelling at Jonathan to keep up and it’s hard and the kids start laughing.

Jonathan whines a bit, setting the bar down and asking Billy quietly if maybe they can do this later because…. Well… he’s embarrassed.

And that just won’t do. He’s not okay with that. Because he’s having Jonathan do this so that they can both be good examples for these kids and they’re laughing?

So Billy sets his weights down and walks in front of the kids and El glares him down bc he’s “in the way” and Will seems kind of nervous bc Billy has that glint in his eye and then-

“Ah! Wait! Billy!”

Billy scoops Will up and carries him over to Jonathan and shoves a squirming Will into Jonathan’s arms.

“Weight training.” Billy supplies by way of answer, and Jonathan is laughing bc Will is wriggling and he’s hard to hold like this but Billy’s too busy walking over to El who’s so busy cracking up over on the couch that she doesn’t notice Billy is currently headed towards her on a mission… until he picks her up and then she’s squealing and he turns to Jonathan with a: “Get to it!”

And Billy starts curling with El is his arms and she’s squealing and wriggling and all 4 of them are laughing and Hop is most definitely confused when he comes home in his break between shifts.

But progress is made! And one day Jonathan comes home from work to find Steve lazing around on the couch with Billy, the both of them in crop tops and short exercise shorts, and Jonathan knows this is nothing good. Because there’s a bag next to the couch and Jonathan thinks maybe he should just turn back around and try to hang out with Nancy or something because-

“Finally! We’ve been waiting around for you!” Billy calls out, rolling himself off the couch and picking up the bag and oh no.

“Hey Johnny!” Steve calls from the couch and Jonathan is supremely uncomfortable whenever Steve calls him that but he does it so often and he can’t think too much about it bc the bag is being shoved into his chest.

“Put these on.”

Jonathan peeks into the bag and closes it quickly.

“No.” Jonathan whines.

“Shut up just put them on.”

“Why?”

“Because you wear the same sweats every time we work out and they’re gross, now put them on.”

And now the kids are really laughing…. Like REALLY laughing…. Bc the the three boys are wearing crop tops and short exercise shorts as they work out in the living room and Billy took one of his hair ties and tied up Jonathan’s fringe so there’s a little tuft at the top of his head bc: “We’re doing burpees and your hair is gonna get in the way, dummy.”

And it’s just funny.

Jonathan can’t say he agrees. he also can't really laugh while he’s busy wheezing.

But he’s doing well! And he starts getting some muscle and he didn’t think it’d feel this good but like… gym doesn’t totally suck anymore. And he’s not as tired 24/7. And his body like… starts feeling good when he and Billy start to exercise. To the point that when they take a day off he feels bad... almost empty.

And Billy is so proud of him! And yeah, it’s not like Jonathan’s gonna try out for the basketball team or anything, but when guys try to push him around in the hallway now he’s surprisingly sturdy. He plants his feet and he’s practically a rock and guys are confused by it. When guys try to push him against fences they just can’t. People stop bothering him. They murmur about how “the freak got like… strong all of a sudden”

And Billy couldn’t be prouder. Really, he feels like he should do this professionally.

Although… Nancy is pretty confused when she walks into the dark room in search of her boyfriend (who is absolutely fed up with her nonsense of not listening to him when the light says to stay out) and she hugs him from behind and asks: “Uh… what’s that?”

Bc Jonathan is developing all the pictures they’ve taken and… well…

“Who took those?” She asks, grabbing for them no matter how much Jonathan protests that you’re gonna ruin them, be careful

“Uh… Billy took them.”

“Billy? Hargrove? Took pictures of you… shirtless? And flexing?”

Jonathan’s about to melt to the floor in embarrassment. Nancy is giggling.

“Did you guys take them for me, or what?”

Jonathan’s head is in his hands. He’s gonna die.

“Y’know how I told you we’ve been working out?”

“Uh, yeah?”

“He wanted pictures to... document the progress. He gets a power trip off of it or something.”

“Oh my god, Jonathan, are you wearing a crop top in this one?!”

Jonathan is absolutely going to die.

[marzeline]

So i heard y’all like religious symbolism in She Ra, so i decided to offer my own knowledge from 17 years spent in a very strict Orthodox household.

I’m gonna talk particularly about one specific moment in “Save the Cat” because I haven’t seen anyone pointing it out before.

When I was first watching this episode, devastated and overwhelmed by emotions, I still felt a bit of a... déjà vu? I have definitely seen these images before, but where? And then it hit me.

Everywhere. I have seen these scenes all my life. Glorified them even. Let me give you a little bit of context...

My family (and my country predominantly) is part of the Christian Eastern-Orthodox Church. The western world is not that familiar with this specific part of the church, but it’s basically presented as Christianity as it was preached in the beginning. In 1054, the East-West Schism happened, when the institution of the Church and Religion as a whole split into the Catholic Church and the Eastern Orthodox Churches. It happened from various reasons like changes in the doctrine and political reasons but I will not go into details here.

Since their departure, the Catholic and Orthodox Church developed even more differences - one of them being the decoration of the church.

While Catholics use mainly statues and mosaic, Orthodox practice allows the use of only icons (there is no exact term in English from what I have found, but think Icoană in Romanian or Икона in Russian), which are basically pictures.

And you have probably seen pictures or icoane as well - here is an widely used image in the western world of Jesus Christ

The images that you’re used to seeing have realistic details, but this isn’t what I’m used to seeing. Because in the Eastern Church, we use the byzantine style of art (Greek), the one used in the old times. The artist’s goal isn’t to portray the characters and scenes realistically, but to have a symbolic sketch that dehumanizes them (ig you won’t look at an icon and fall in love with the face, you won’t be distracted by earthly things).

With this out of the way, let me show you what I meant when I said I have seen those scenes before. There are 3 of them, the last one being the most important, and while you can find so many other icons, these are the few that I have selected:

Now here me out: Jesus is Great. My views on religion have changed a lot, but I still think Jesus was the greatest man to ever live. His lessons were revolutionary at the time, and his teachings are still passed on.

In Orthodox traditions, we believe God has three personas that are different and independent, but one in God: The Father, The Son and The Holy Spirit. The Church is raising you as a family, with the priest addressing the community as “brothers and sisters (in Christ)” and we pray to our divine Father.

Now let me tell you why I have selected these specific icons: The Baptize of Christ, Jesus saving Adam from Eternal Damnation, The Apostle and Jesus AND the last one that I’m gonna talk about a little bit later.

In scene one, we see Catra coming with the clones. Her hair is wet and later we find out that she has been “purified”. When undergoing this same process, Horde Prime told Hordak that his fault was his pride: how dare he think he is worthy to stand besides Horde Prime, Hordak was a mere clone created “in his image”

“So God created man in His own image” Genesis 1:27

Hordak forgotten who he is. He shall be reminded.

The Orthodox Church has 7 great rituals, but the most important ones are considered the Baptize, the Eucharist and The Ceremony that you undergo at Death.

Let’s talk about the Baptize because they look wildly similar to me. We believe that everyone is born carrying the original sin - that’s why it doesn’t matter how good of the person you were during your life, you go to Hell. But when Jesus came to Earth, He taught us how to be baptized in the name of the Lord. The process of The Baptize reclaims you as one of Lord’s sheeps and saves your soul (doesn’t guarantee you’re going to Heaven either; just opens the possibility). It purifies you of the original sin and makes you reborn, ready to join the big family that is the Church. Sounds familiar?

The Symbol of the Baptize is easy to spot, definetly out there for a reason, a scary, twisting interpretation of a ritual that is viewed as sacred by the community.

Catra kneels 2 times in front of Horde Prime. The second time she does it in Adoration at HP’s altar, when she is brought for Adora to see (see the first image), but the first time she does it when she is brought defiant after helping Glimmer escape. That’s the moment of her Judgement.

In the second image, Prime is holding her hand and Catra lovingly accepts it while being raised from the ground. It’s sickening to see because you know the character, you know her desires and history and holding HP’s hand while being embraced by him doesn’t really hit her persona.

Now let’s look at this in detail again

Here is the moment when Jesus, dead, is lowering to Hell (like I said, before Jesus, no one could go to Heaven) to save the worthy ones (like Abraham and David and Adam - the first man, the one that lived almost 1000 years). Yes, Adam sinned in the Eden, but in the Bible we’re being told that he had lived a righteous life overall. Adam was a good man and he deserved to go to Heaven after he died. But he didn’t, so Jesus could come and free him. He raises him from Hell and saves him. Heaven is now opened for Adam. HP is doing the same for Catra here.

And last, but certainly not least, we have the third image. I have rewatched this episode so many times since its release and I always, always stop at that scene with my blood frozen in my veins. The resemblance it’s terrifying. That frame alone, shows you every Christian’s biggest dream. Jesus and the Apostle. You being saved. God accepting you. Loving you even. It doesn’t matter how much you love God, He always loves you more. How could you not stare in adoration? All your adoration will never be enough for He is just That Great.

Catra does it, the clones do it, and we do it as well - we’re content being in His Graces. I don’t think I will ever be able to explain how much that scene scares me. Because we, as the audience, know that is wrong. That is not Catra. She’s so many people’s favorite character for a reason! She’s obnoxious and loud and mischievous and disrespectful and cunning and fast and mean but caring and she loves Adora! We know that and we expect to see that every time she’s on the screen. Seeing the complete opposite of her... is wrong.

“Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.” Matthew 19:14

The last icon: the one where Jesus greets the kids into his arms and promises them heaven and peace. That is how the clones and the ones being chipped are looking at HP. This is what they think they will find under his protection. Spinerella always mentions how happy they are under his rule and Catra?

“My place is with Horde Prime, I don’t want to leave”

“Prime has given me peace. Something you could never do.”

“Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through him we have access by faith into his grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God.” Romans 5:1-2

I’m gonna tell you from my own experience: I came out as bisexual to my mother (who is definitely the most religious person you’re ever gonna meet) at 13. She wasn’t mad. She tried to deny it but I stopped her cold. You know what she said? I will pray for you. Everyone has their own stuggles and the devil tempts us in many ways. You’ll have to fight these urges all your life and never act on them, but you’ll be rewarded. You will find peace in God.

For my mother, God is the giver of peace and my attraction to the same gender is what actually troubles me. My struggle is because of my sins.

I’m sure that conversation remained forgotten in her memory, but I will never be able to forget it. For the Church (Horde Prime here representing organized religion) homosexuals are sad, confused and unhappy - because they don’t know the peace of the Lord. No one can be happy, if not in the light of Horde Prime God.

I don’t know if there is ever gonna be a time in my life when that scene won’t terrify me. It’s reminding me of everything that I was for others, for everything that I thought I wanted for myself. At 14 I would wake up praying to be killed just so I can die in God’s light before sinning. Catra is also a victim of abuse, and you could never never never understand what is that about unless you have experienced it first hand. In the episode she is being mind-controlled, not far from others have experienced due to indoctrination. But to be so codependent, to Adora first (and probably always - that’s just how childhood trauma works) Shadow Weaver and then to HP?

This breaks my heart in so many places, but it also gives me hope. You can still get the chip out. You can still open your eyes. And you can still love! There is no fear in love.

[thedragonflyandthereed-blog]

Struggles Seem To Sting More With Experience Posted on August 23, 2018 Reed and I have been ‘at this’ for a long time, though I suppose that is a relative statement.  Let’s just say more then 5 years, less then 10 if you need a calendar timeline. An emotional timeline is far more difficult.  I’d say some days it seems like forever, and other days it seems like we are still wet behind the ears. Only, we are not wet behind the ears, those days seem to have been easier in comparison to now.  The first few years were a real eye opener personally.  There was a great deal of inner growth, realizations of why I hid, or didn’t recognize who I was.  Revelations flew at me at a rapid pace back then.  Things were and still are a bit slower in that department for Reed.  Perhaps it is a male/female difference, or perhaps it is the fact that I had time to prepare for my outing and his every move has been scrutinized since day one, thus leaving him very little time for self discovery because his concentration has been on leading.  But, I digress….. I have come to realize many of us are in similar situations with our dynamic..  The longer we live this life, the more we come to rely on our significant other to provide what we expect from them, based on our history within this dynamic.  This isn’t to say we shirk all our responsibilities.   Self improvement, and drive still has to exist, for both parties, but at least for myself the expectation is so much greater now for him to be proactive, to maintain, to alter the course.   The satisfaction of shooting for the moon and landing on a star seems to diminish when you have landed and walked on the moon.  I don’t believe this means those of us who feel this way are all ungrateful or demanding, it merely means our expectations have grown due our life experiences with this.  Once upon a time many  might have read about others and wished/hoped/desired for a life  like that.  After experiencing it, whether in pockets or constantly, longings change from what others have to what we had, (even if the time has only been a week or so at a time) when we struggle.  Once awakened to a better relationship, or perhaps just a deeper connection in an already good relationship, speaking from a female subs point of view anyway, you can’t unfeel that. Gone is the hoping we could be that some day – changed to knowing we have been that. And quite frankly for me it is like an intoxicating drug.  The freedom found in living such an unguarded existence is too incredible for me to accurately express in words. So, where do Reed and I find ourselves currently? Hoping the cloud cover will blow past so we can even SEE the moon to shoot for.  Sometimes the upheaval of schedules due to summer vacation is to blame – but our expectations are that we have lived this life for so long, that should not happen.  Now we find ourselves in a spot where the reason  for this endless loop ( it has been a few months now) is more important than where we are.  There are still stand alone instances of D/s but it doesn’t feel like it is an undercurrent running through our relationship at the moment. HOW did this happen is  the burning question.  There were no outward distractions, greater than normal anyway.  There was no illness, or life getting in the way.  It appears it was just US.  Pressures,  and  expectations….one feeling they need to rely on a person for something they feel they are refusing to deliver upon in a meaningful way….the other feeling fearful for reasons the first does not comprehend. Communication they say is key.  We communicate so differently now then we did 2 years ago, and completely differently then we did when we began. The depth of communication, and yes expectations from communication has changed.  Both of us  expect more and instantaneous results from our conversations.  Sadly that doesn’t always happen. Some days it feels like there is little point to conversing, afterall haven’t we both said the same things a hundred times before?  Reed’s answer to that statement, ” Then we shall say them 101 times”. It has been my experience that this dynamic doesn’t get easier as we cross off days on the calendar.  The struggles or the reasons behind the challenges  on the surface appear to be similar to ones we started out with in the first few years , and to a degree they are.  What is different is knowing; knowing you can live, feel, experience a different degree of life with your significant other.  There is a longing to reach back into the past and relive that time.  There is a confusion on how on earth you stumbled AGAIN.  It is so much more than merely opening Pandora’s Box. There is a part of your soul that has been touched so deeply you cannot deny its existence.  You hold the key to that, but you need the other person to turn it; to unlock the final piece.  And the thing about this dynamic which many don’t realize, you need them to unlock it over and over again. For some that may mean every day.  For others once a week, or month.  I believe our personal histories before our relationships and within the context of the dynamic plays a pivotal role in how often we find our lock needs to be opened.  I know personally I do far better if Reed props the ‘door open’ but honestly often he has to pull me through it in order for me to feel it is okay to be there. Once there I am generally good for staying put…until I am not. Lately I have felt as if I have been pounding from the inside of a vault and the other side can’t make out the sound. I just want to get back to the track we  were on.  It wasn’t ever perfect, but it was heading in a direction of great promise.  When we are where we find ourselves now I begin to question whether what happened was real, or if I read too much into it, to make it what I needed it to be. I suspect we will be fine, we always end up having another pocket of connection.  I just grow weary of all of the time clinging to the memories of our past and waiting for them to be our present again.

https://thedragonflyandthereed.wordpress.com/2018/08/23/stuggles-seem-to-sting-more-with-experience/#comments

[just-a-writer-here]

From Above

Part Three

Summary: If (my mom) wanted me to play music again, why wouldn’t she just tell me herself? Maybe she can’t! Maybe she has to do it another way. You know, through signs!

Word Count: 2630

Warnings: talk of death, hints at child neglect, Rose breaks down crying, hints of homophobia (Alex’s Parents)

Note: I stuggled with the ending of this part - if felt both too little and too much, but I decided that if my gut says the ending was a good point to stop, then I’m gonna trust it. That’s why it took so long to get this out there.

It’s also mostly about Alex in the beginning. It’s another part I struggled with, but while I was writing it instead of when I was done. Rose’s reaction may seem a little... out of character for how I’m writing her, but you guys should remember she’s in a situation that is far from normal, she’s allowed to have her moments and reading Alex’s book/story just pushed her into reacting and thinking about certain things.

Also, yes, a side plot decided to create itself as I wrote.

You can also find it on AO3 here. (It leads to Part One.)

Part One / Part Two

The page breaks were made by @julieatpstuff​ (or over on Twitter: @reggieshada).

Alex’s story was a sad one, Rose decided as she pushed the book away, tears falling like molten drops of emotion. She wasn’t yet finished with it; there was a lot that Rose had learned that was personal, and yet it made her feel closer to him. Made him human to her after having been nothing more than a faded ghost, a memory only half there.

Her heart broke for him. Well, it broke more for him, taking the healed over cracks from when she’d heard about his death and reopening them, driving the damage deeper. He had been such a brilliant, kind young man. The friendship he had had with Bobby, Reggie and Luke - he had met Luke as a child and had followed Luke when the lead singer had dragged Reggie into their fold at the beginning of middle school with Bobby falling in within moments after Reggie joined the initial duo - was remarkable. Inspiring in the way people loved to read about, the found family trope that warmed Rose’s heart every time she came across it properly done. Because then, at the very least, Alex hadn’t been alone when his life started to turn.

Reaching her hands up to palm at her burning eyes, Rose let herself sob for the child Alex hadn’t been allowed to be for very long. Not with the indifference his parents had when it came to him, to his sisters, that had begun to turn into disdain when he and Luke met Reggie and Bobby. No child should have to experience a parent's disgust aimed their way; it was worse than if the Devlins had been disappointed in their son’s choices, because disgust showed him he wasn’t pleasant to be around. And if what Rose had finished reading said anything, Alex felt that way. He thought that his parents didn’t want him anywhere near them, because they hated him.

(It probably didn’t help the situation when the disgust started around the same time they had found out about Alex’s interest in men over women. Rose was half tempted to ask for his parents’ books, just to see if it did have anything to do about it, but it wouldn’t truly help her in what she was expected to do. So Rose remembered their names - Margaret and James Devlin - and promised to herself that if they came up as things unfolded, she’d worry about them then.

For now, she just sobbed into her knees, palms creating starbursts behind her eyelids as they pressed hard into them.)

Rose took a moment after she’d finished shedding tears to just sit in silence. Much like other times, she lost track of time, feeling it flex around her like a living being as she thought about what could be done to help Alex. Because that was her job now, apparently.

His story wasn’t finished - or, at least, Rose wasn’t caught up to current events - but she needed a break from reading. So she considered what she knew of her daughter, what she knew of Alex and the few glimpses into Reggie’s and Luke’s lives, and tried to come up with a few possible options. Rose had easily decided that dealing with them separately would be too much, and all of them could benefit from being brought together. The question was how to do that.

Death’s presence wasn’t as surprising as it had been previously. Mostly because Rose had caught sight of them as they walked down an isle towards her, but still. She considered it a win to not jump when they came close enough to be heard.

“Are you alright?” The entity hesitated upon seeing her face (did they have trouble with their eyes? They were almost to the seat across from her before they noticed anything was off with her), light eyes wide.

“I’m just… invested, is all.”

The being winced. “Ah, right. Current situation would say that wording is a bit… lacking in compassion, huh?”

Her face twitched, and even she was uncertain if it was because she wanted to smile or frown at Death. She sniffled sharply in place of verbally replying, watching the frown spread across the pleasant face - she probably hadn’t actively realized it between the two times she’d spoken to them previously, but their skin tone changed. When Rose had first met them, they were a brilliant white, like bones picked clean, and had been ashen-looking after she had met Nature. And now… Well, now Death looked a touch green, like poorly contained decay and chemicals - as the entity lost themself to their own thoughts.

Their expressions shifted, darkened, the longer Rose kept her silence. But there was no danger behind the look, just an ingrained loneliness that opened its jaws wider the longer she watched.

“I don’t blame you for anything that’s happened,” she found herself saying. Rose eased herself into smiling when blue eyes darted into focus upon her face, knowing it wouldn’t do much but be on her face right then. But something was better than nothing, yes? “Nature mentioned how humans can keep their stories going even without someone writing it out, which means none of you really has control over what we do. What we believe in, what we say, what we think - that’s all on us.”

“It upset you.”

Rose shook her head and smiled again, this time it slid onto her face like water on tile. But it felt bitter, brittle. “Humanity sucks sometimes,” she returned with a shrug.

“That is… true.” Death glanced over the two books Rose had yet to touch, curiosity clear in his eyes. “But those that… suck tend to bring out the beauty in others as they come together to tear into them.”

“Very true.”

“What do you think…” Death started before shaking their head. “No, never mind. Do you have any questions for me?”

Rose took a moment to stare them down, taking in the solemn resignation etched deep in their posture before humming. “How… involved am I allowed to be when dealing with all of this,” she asked, one of her hands waving to reference the four books she’d asked to read however long ago.

The being sat up straight, as if the question hadn’t been part of whatever list they’d been thinking of. It pleased Rose to see how easy it was to surprise something older than herself by more than a hundred-fold. “As involved as you can be, depending on what you have in mind.”

“Okay.” Rose spent a few moments to just… be; she refused to let her thoughts get dragged anywhere important as she watched Death watch her. It was an interesting feeling, like stretching after sitting still for too long. Eventually, she brought herself to ask, “How does time work for the dead?”

“It technically doesn’t,” the being said with a soft laugh. Without a prompt from her, Death leaned forward and continued explaining, “Time really only holds onto the living, so when something dies, time just moves around them like water and oil. You could focus yourself and experience each second without missing something, or you could wind up skipping about like a broken record player without completely realizing it until it happens.”

“That’s what’s happening to the boys,” Rose recalled.

“Somewhat, the place they’re in also has a weird effect on time as well. They’d still be as they are now had they been alive and stuck in that room.”

Rose considered that, her face pinching together at the realization that something was off about that. “So, someone wanted them there, no matter what.”

Death nodded. “That’s the most likely case.”

That didn’t… settle right. Death’s own expression - the uncomfortable hesitance that filled in the shadows on their face created by a wince - had Rose’s chest puttering, as if with a faltering heartbeat. Nothing about their situation made sense to the immortal across from her. And that was beyond terrifying. Because did that mean one of them was trying to do something without telling the others? And was that normal?

“Death!”

Both of them jumped at the excited shout, Rose letting out a slight laugh when the being sitting across from her let out a pained noise as Nature jumped up into their lap, a mess of multicolored curls and giggles. The woman watched as the two entities situated themselves comfortably with a calm smile. Despite how different they looked, with how Death calmly curled an arm around a wiggling Nature, and the excitement that the smaller being exuded at being around the older entity, the two of them were close. Which was a bit odd to see, since Nature was supposed to be full of life and Death was supposed to keep track of the dead, but it worked. Almost like how everyone says life and death worked in balance.

“Hiya, Miss Rose!” Nature grinned when they were settled, tucked into Death’s side and beneath an arm. “How’s the reading goin’?”

“She was crying when I first showed up,” Death mentioned softly, eyes focused away from Rose’s face. The human spirit blinked and felt a bit of warmth at the thought that the being had given her some time to gather herself before coming to sit with her. “She’s on Alex’s story currently.”

“He’s the one with a brain cell,” Nature acknowledged. They grinned at Rose when she breathed out a laugh. “I like the new way to use that.”

“Humans are very creative, yes.”

The child rolled their eyes, the smile turning stiff for a few moments before they wiggled some more and waved at Rose. “What about ideas! Have you come up with something?”

“A few basic ones,” Rose admitted. Her throat closed slightly as she remembered what had made her decide, wholeheartedly, to work on both issues together rather than tackling them like separate problems. “The most concrete part of them is that I… I want to help the boys the same way I want to help my daughter.”

Death tilted their head. Rose felt that pressure on her chest from when she’d first met them - where their stare seemed to reach deep and cover her so fully, searching and judging. Had she been living, Rose was pretty certain she’d be choking on the oppressive presence. It was Nature that pulled the two of them out of whatever had been happening, the noise loud and sharp and amused.

“In what way would that be?”

“Duh, silly! She’s wantin’ to use both of them to help one another,” Nature got out around a rather impressive cackle. The little immortal leaned forward, their grin wide and inhuman, “Why, is my question? Most would want to deal with whatever problems they put on their own plates in, in, what’s that-”

“-sections, Nature-”

“-in sections rather than all at once! So why are you combining them?”

Rose was the one to tilt her head then, her thoughts racing at the implication that those who had been in the Hall before her had… what? They hadn’t thought trying to help someone through a situation would be to, essentially, bunch them up with others who could help them once the influence of the dead was gone?

“That’s such a half assed way of doing it though,” Rose found herself saying, anger bright in her words at the thought of anyone taking on a problem and leaving the chaos for their self-appointed charge to deal with once everything was said and done. “I want both those boys and my daughter to be able to continue forward without feeling lost or adrift without my influence keeping them together. For them to have no regrets about this point in their lives, or afterlives, in the boys’s case.”

Nature’s grin, once Rose fully clocked the emotions behind it, stopped her from continuing. It was an incredulous, happy sort of grin that edged on the manic side. Death, beside the small being, looked shocked, blinking their eyes quickly while a grin steadily overtook most of their face.

“Had people who passed your tests never...“ Rose didn’t know how to finish that question, her hands coming up to encompass their current situation.

“No,” Nature answered, hair bouncing about their face as they shook their head. “The tests don’t look for compassion, just force of will. Most of those who seem promising in that area tend to get overwhelmed by the cluster of doors just before the end of the Hall and wind up failing because of it.”

“But those tests were created to make sure no one would have…” Death tilted their head side to side as they attempted to figure out how to word their thoughts in a way Rose would understand, which she appreciated. “I guess mental breakdowns are still possible for the dead, so that’s what the tests in the Hall are for. Because the doors give off impressions of emotions that might be experienced when they read the books and solve problems we either couldn’t figure out or hadn’t even known were there.”

Nature nodded, the motion slow compared to other times. “And then the whole, for you, fake-studio bit was to see if people had the patience and understanding for being misled and confused. Because that’s obviously going to happen, even if it’s on accident most times.”

“We’re still learning how human minds work,” Death added, nodding in agreement.

Rose… understood that. All of it, really; they wanted fresh eyes and new opinions on problems they both did and didn’t know existed, but didn’t want to just give the power to manipulate lives to just anyone. And they wanted to make sure no one would get overwhelmed or break beneath the knowledge they would likely have to learn to do anything close to fixing something. When it comes down to it, compassionate people had two very massive extremes, especially when forced into a situation like this. (Even if force isn’t the exact method used here. If Rose understood the process right, people who were possibilities had the choice to not want to deal with it and move on, which was what the other hall Rose had ignored could have led to. So none of this was forced on any of them. Didn’t mean everyone understood that, which was why the two extremes of compassion could lead to some… not so great mental situations.

Especially if they got swept up in the emotional reactions of the doors leading to the end of the hall. They didn’t have to look inside them, just build upon the emotional toll again and again as they kept walking…

Rose shuddered at the thought to have gone through that as she walked and pulled away from that line of thinking.)

“Maybe you could find a way to find out,” Rose suggested, feeling unsettled at the thought that people who were determined but not connected to whatever issues they took on could have done without anyone knowing.

“Maybe,” Death agreed.

Nature tilted their head. “We could ask Chrony or Sonny,” they murmured.

Rose blinked at how that seemed to pull an animated urge to talk out of Death before chuckling slightly to herself and pocketing those names for later. In case she met either of them while she worked. As she grew used to the fast pace of the conversation between the immortals, Rose slowly returned to reading, the saddened anger from earlier now a warm ball in her chest. At some point during her own conversation with the two, her emotions had solidified into something easier to handle - she was going to help Alex, and that had to be enough for her, since the past had already happened.

(The traitorous thought about what Death had said about time was forcefully shoved back. One thing at a time, please.)

[angelkurenai]

Imagine being in a secret relationship with your father’s best friend, Dean Winchester. (Part 2)

Read Part 1 here!

Being in love with an older man was one thing. But that man being your father's best friend? That was actually hell. Why? Well, other than how wrong it was on every possible level, you just couldn't even hint a thing to your father about it because his said best friend spent more time in your house than was appropriate and just didn't make things any easier for you.

“Princess?” you heard a rough voice and you blinked, looking up to meet his blue eyes.

“Wh-what? Yes dad?” you frowned, fidgeting with your hands.

“Are you alright? I asked you if you wanted something to eat but you didn't seem to even realize I was here.” he tilted his head to the side, pushing the door of your room open wider and getting in.

“Yes, dad. Yes I am alright.” you whispered, avoiding to look him in the eyes.

“Honey-bee” he sighed and a small smile formed on your lips at the stupid nickname he used on you ever since you were a little girl. He knelt in front of you and took hold of your hand “Is there something you want to tell me?” he asked with a tilt of his head.

“No, I- I- There- Why are you asking dad?” you frowned, shifting in your seat.

“I just-” he pursed his lips for a moment “I am not trying to pry, I don't want to. But I am your father and you- you are the most important and precious thing I have in this world, so when I see you like this I can't help but feel worried about you. I don't have to force you to tell me if you don't want to but- but I need to know you are alright, princess. That's the least I want.”

“Dad” you sighed, feeling your eyes sting with unshed tears. You hated lying to him, always did. Growing up without a mother, not even a photo of her, ment you were exceptionally close to him. You always told him everything from first crush when you were in kidnergarten and first boyfriend again around that time. Childern's loves, yes, but still you never kept a secret from him, not to mention lie about the truth. So now guilt was eating you out on the inside because not only could you not tell him about your relationship with Dean but also lie to him all the time about where you'd go or with whom you'd be. You wanted to say something but what could you even utter in this case?

“You don't have to tell me if you don't want to, really.” he hurried to say, shaking his head “I just need to know if- if you are really fine, if... you're happy. That's all that's always mattered to me.”

“I know, dad. I really know that. You've made so many sacrifices for me all over the years I will never doubt how much you love me. I- I love you too, daddy.” you felt tears well up in your eyes “It's just- this is no something I can talk so easily about. You- What you'll think of me, what others will think- I can't take that.”

“(Y/n)” he cupped your face “I am your father and I love you. No matter what this is, nothing can change how I think or feel for you.” he emphasized “I am only worried. You- you are always in a world of your own and I don't mean in the good way. You get carried away easily by your thoughts and sometimes it feels like you hardly hear what I or anybody else says. And I know that it's probably about college, a new life and everything but sometimes I- I think that you are just keeping it all to yourself about something that's bigger. Something that-” he paused in thought, looking down for a moment.

“Is not right.” you whispered, completing his sentence. It obviously caught his attention and with a frown he looked up at you again.

“What?” he asked in a rough voice and you bit your lower lip, contemplating whether you wanted to go on with this or not. But you just needed to let at least some of it out, just a little bit.

“Something that is not right. I am doing something I shouldn't and- and is actually forbidden.” you said, your eyes still not meeting his.

“Not right? I- I don't understand. (Y/n) what could you possibly do that is so forbidden it has you crying sometimes at night?” he asked and your eyes widened for a moment.

“You've heard me?” you whispered and he let a small sigh, obviously he didn't want to say it.

“We live in the same house, princess. It was bound to happen at some point with my lack of need for sleep.” he shrugged and you couldn't help a giggle at how simple it sounded for him and you actually.

“You're so weird dad, figures I'm your daughter.” you shrugged and he gave you a small smile.

“But you didn't tell me: what is so important and so forbidden?” he asked and for a moment you had almost forgotten it, you almost thought you didn't have to talk about it. But now your heart only dropped.

You closed your eyes, head bowed as you took in a shaky breath and dared yourself to whisper the small word “Love”

“Love?” his eyebrows shot up and you bit your lower lip, nodding your head “But... love is not forbidden.” he said with a shake of his head.

“Some kinds of love are, dad.” you sighed, looking up at the ceiling as you tried to fight the tears.

“Honey, no.” he insisted with a shake of his head “Love can never be forbidden, not if it pure and true.”

“You hang out too much with uncle Gabriel.” you shook your head letting out a humorless laugh “Dad, you can't understand. Some kinds of love are just... wrong. They shouldn't happen but they do because we- we all have this dark side in us.”

“You know I agree on that but not on what you insist, (Y/n).” he shrugged “If someone... if you are so in love with this person-” he smiled softly “-then there's nothing wrong with that. As long as you truly love him... Do you, (Y/n)? Are you in love with someone, honey?”

“I- I'- I am- No- I mean- I- Yes, dad. Yes I am and- it hurts like hell.” you choked on a sob and he didn't wait a second to gather you in his arms and hold you tightly as you clenched your teeth to fight back the tears.

“Honeybee, that's something wonderful. Why- why would you ever say this? If you're in love with a boy- or girl, I don't care about that, then you should be happy. What could possibly be so bad that-”

“Dad” you cut him off “His age, there's... there's a difference from mine.”

A frown set on his face and he blinked, looking down at you “Difference? What do you mean?”

“He's- He's older, dad. Like really older than me.” your voice shook as you said the words and as much as you hated it, as much as you knew your father wouldn't like to react this way himself, stiffened at what you'd just said.

“It's-” he stuggled, taking in a deep breath and relaxing “It's ok, princess. We'll figure this out, together. I'm always here for you, always. Don't worry about that.” he gave you a squeeze and although you knew he would need time to accept that you knew that there was no way he would accept said man to be Dean. He struggled with this – your father that was always open-minded – you didn't have to imagine to know he wouldn't have it being his best friend.

Oh you were certainly not going into detail.

~*~

“Uh and a beer along with that- oh and don't forget the pie! Yes, I'll uh take apple.” he said with a a wide almost childlike grin that just had you entranced for a moment.

“Alright.” she mumbled, taking the menu – if you could call it that considering the state it was in – and writing down hisorder. Dean turned to you and grinned more at your expression, winking with a smirk when he realized you were staring – you would defend yourself saying it was mere gazing – and you blinked several times, clearing your throat and looking down for a moment. You heard him chuckle and you gave him a small glare.

But you couldn't help a smile anyway. He loved teasing you about all of this, it was his thing, but you knew that he was always really sweet about it as well. He'd take you out any chance he got, doing all the cheesy couple-y stuff he claimed to hate just because he knew you liked them. Maybe you had to lie to your father once more about your whereabouts and maybe the drive was sometimes long but: 1) you loved just getting in the Impala with Dean for hours and 2)you didn't have to pretend here or look around all the time in case someone you knew would take notice and tell your father.

Not that there weren't drawbacks, though.

“And what about your daughter?” she asked, politely and at least not flirting with Dean, but your smile completely vanished and you felt your heart tighten inside your chest. You looked at Dean to see his smile vanish and a serious expression take over.

He clenched his jaw “She's not my daughter.” he said in a rough voice and you only chewed on your lower lip.

“Oh I'm sorry I assumed that-” she blinking, stuttering.

“Well, she's not!” Dean's voice rose and you jumped in your seat. He let out a frustrated sigh, clearing his throat.

“She's my girlfriend, not that it matters to you. And she'll have the same, she's legal alright? Thank you.” he said – or more like growled – and the only thing you did was give her a tight smile before she nodded her head and took your menu and left. Silence fell between the two of you for a few seconds, only Dean's heavy breathing being the thing to break it and in the end you let a heavy sigh yourself, deciding to speak.

“Do I look that young?” you whispered and his eyes met yours.

“Don't pay attention to that.” he said, taking hold of your hand and squeezing it.

“Shouldn't I?” you frowned and you could see him struggling with it as well “I mean we- we practically run away every time we want to go out on a date to avoid some people and even that is not enough. If it isn't you being my father's best friend, it is the age gap. No matter what we can never really run away from our problems.” you fell back in your seat, reluctantly taking your hands away from his grasp.

“Don't do this to me now, (Y/n).” he pursed his lips “I don't care about it, alright? I've made it clear to you so many times but I need to say it again: Just because I look like I could be your father and I actually am friends with him doesn't mean I actually am! So no, I am not supposed to feel the least bit fo guilt for feeling this way for you! Lying to Cas and Sam? Sure. Hell yeah! I am, you have no idea how much. But this-” he motioned between the two of you “Not in a million years.”

“I'm just- I'm tired of people judging me... judging us, Dean.” you whispered “I'm tired of having to defend what I feel for you even if it really is the most beautiful thing in the world. I'm tired of having to pretend at times that you are just a friend- family even, when my dad or someone else is present when really all I want to do is- is grab you and kiss you and tell everybody how much I- I love you. I hate having to hide how I feel about you.” you glanced out of the window “And I hate having to put up with everybody telling me, even with their looks, that this love is wrong. Did you-” you looked back at him “Did you see the look that woman gave me at the bar last night? And now the waitress...” you trailed off, biting your lip.

“Hey, she was just jealous I ignored her. I can't help if I have eyes only for you! Sue me but I am smitten!” he shrugged, giving you a small smirk that just looked so innocent it made a giggle leave your lips “Besides-” he let a small sigh and you let him take hold of your hand again “They can judge all they want, I've dealt with that pretty much all my life and never gave a single fuck. And now, for this- for us, I'm not going to give up so easily. If I have to fight for it I will... even your father.”

“Yeah, you've shared your fair amount of punches in the past anyway.” you mumbled, smirking softly but you didn't feel the smile at all when repeating his words in your head. You wished so bad this fight didn't have to come.

“Plus-” he gave you a fuller smile “You know I'd risk everything for you.”

“Trust me, that-” you smiled softly, squeezing his hand “I have come to know very well.”

He chuckled, a mischievous smile forming on his lips “Come on, I told you that was an accident!” he exclaimed and you managed to relax in your seat.

“Yeah, I bet.” you chuckled, looking down at your hands as you locked fingers with his and the memories started rushing back.

-Flashback-

You were with your dad in a trip, it was mostly for business but you found it as the perfect opportunity to run away from your problems and relax a little bit. If only you knew you'd run into that very beautiful problem you wanted – or maybe not – to run away from. Dean was in town with his brother, taking some time to themselves and by some miracle they were in the exact same motel as you.

So as expected, one thing led to another and just because you could never say no to the man and those lips of his you were a mess in his bed in just half an hour after running into him at the bar you'd went, luckily, without your father. You managed to get out his brother's sight, who again luckily didn't notice you were there, and made it back to his motel.

“D-Dean” you moaned as his hands frantically moved on your body, trying to get rid of as many pieces of clothing as he could and as fast as possible. They left a hot trail behind them and of course you a panting mess. You fisted his hair in your hands, tugging at them and eliciting a growl from him and of course a bite in the neck.

“No- no marks, pl-please.” you closed your eyes and threw your head back despite everything to give him more access.

“Too late.” he mumbled, his lips and tongue moving across your neck, down to your collarbone and just the upper half of your chest. You heard him let out frustrated sigh before grabbing your shirt and lifting it over your shoulders to take it off.

“Damn” you heard him say in a husky voice as he pulled slightly away and looked down at you. You bit your lip when you saw him lick his own and shifted in your place which was a bad decision seeing as you didn't help in the situation that he actually had going in his pants.

“Careful” he growled, tightening his grip on your bare hips; yes your pants were the first thing he removed once you got in so now you were only in your underwear while he had his jeans on. Luckily shirtless.

“Sorry” you looked down and then up, biting your lip to keep the smile off your lips but you found it nearly impossible.

“Oh you're enjoying this, aren't you?” he growled, lowering himself slowly “You fucking tease. I'm gonna make you pay for that.” his eyes darkened and you took in a shaky breath.

“D” it was really the only think you could breath out before the air left your lungs when you felt his hand on your chest.

“Lace hm?” he asked in a low voice, looking down at you and letting out a small growl “Naughty girl.”

“I- I thought you'd like it...?” you asked with a small smirk and he grinned up at you, his eyes filled with lust but above all love. There was always love in them, and you could see it.

“Oh trust me, baby. I do.” he leaned down, and slowly started kissing between them, it was all a little too sweet you shivered at the thought of what could possibly come next. You knew Dean all too well, you could read him like a book and sweet was not what he was going for tonight. You had not seen each other in over two weeks, he could barely keep his hands to himself when you were at the bar not to mention now.

“It was fucking amazing.” he growled and you frowned at him.

“W-was?” you stuttered and he pulled slightly away to give you a grin before he did the very thing you expected him to but hoped he wouldn't. He tore it apart with just one simple move.

“Now, much better.” he said before diving down to capture your lips with his, kissing hungrily as if his life depended on it. His teeth grazed over your lips as he kissed you almost a little sloppily, his tongue fighting with yours for dominance but you already knew he would end up winning. Your hands went to his back and dug into his skin, you knew he'd have some pretty nice marks tomorrow but you had to get him back for it.

Your bare chest pressed on his, your legs wrapped around his waist and as he rubbed himself on you you almost didn't realize it when you heard the door creak open but you sure as hell heard the loud “Holy shit!” and a some things falling.

You and Dean pulled away as if you were on fire and you grabbed the bed sheets to cover yourself up, Dean blocking you from his brother's sight. Although you didn't know if there was any point in it anymore. Your heart was hammering in yourchest and only when you heard the door slam shut did you peak from behind Dean to see Sam was not in the room. You fell back on the bed, panting as you stared at the ceiling with wide eyes. Dean let out a sigh, running a hand through his hair.

“Sorry about that, baby.” he whispered and you bit your lip.

You closed your eyes and placed a hand over them “Just- please make sure he didn't see it was me at least. Please.” you whispered, pursing your lips.

“A-alright, yeah.” he cleared his throat, leaning down to press a small tender kiss on the side of your head before getting up from bed. You only heard him get up from bed and make his way to the door. You turned your back to it, eyes still closed as your heart hammered in your chest.

“What the hell, Dean?!” was the only thing you heard Sam say before their voices became muffled. You didn't expect him to get back so soon, Dean sai he was probably going to sleep at the waitress's place since she had been hitting on him all night but that didn't seem the case.

-End of Flashback-

“I swear I almost forgot how to breath until you told me he didn't see who I was.” you mumbled, playing with his fingers.

“We were lucky.” he shrugged and you gave him a pointed look.

“Very. But we don't know for how long this said luck will keep going Dean, and we can't keep risking it.”

“Well, your father has not suspected a thing yet. Has he?” he asked almost rhetorically but you didn't answer because you knew the answer would scare him just as much as it did with you. He didn't know a thing, no but suspect?

How could he not, when he saw you return in the middle of the night in your motel room, covered in love bites and hickeys that time?