#just because i cannot always convey it flawlessly in english

[shararan]

Literally the only reason I'm loud about being an ESL speaker is because of how cruel people were to me once I started out later in life than what's deemed ""normal"" and like... the amount of shit people would give me for miniscule things such as using 'were' two times in a sentence while simultaneously telling me I'm "better than native speakers" supposedly, not to mention the neverending infantilization about how I must not be very smart because they assumed I couldn't convey complex thoughts in english even by the time I very much could and did. It annoyed me so much just how rude people can get away with just because you're not perfect at the language you're using, especially because they don't know yours...!!! Fortunately this has gotten wayyyyy way better in the last 5 years IME but I can't help but still feel like I need to have my guard up even now.

[adacarisi]

Can you do something where Barba loves rough sex but the reader really doesn't but she doesn't say anything cause she loves Barba too much and then he finds out and super sweet smut ensues? 😊😊😊

Honesty about sexual preferences is very important, you don’t see that kind of open communication a lot in the media, but in real relationships it’s very important. That being said, enjoy.

You had never met anyone like him. He had a presence that dominated any conversation, and when you were in a room with him you couldn’t tear your eyes away from his fashionably clad body. Lucky for you he seemed to have the same predicament with you. Rafael Barba had asked you out the night you met, despite wanting to play the long game with you, as was his specialty. He had strode over as soon as he saw another handsome ADA begin chatting gaily with you and interrupted your conversation with his introduction. 

Rafael treated you in glorious fashion, as you continued to date he became more and more attentive despite his busy schedule. He adored you, it was all he could do to not tell you so every minute of the day. You never left his thoughts, he would find himself smirking at his legal pad in court, envisioning the next time he would see you.

You were gentle and kind, he was strong and firm. You matched and complimented each other so well. Except for one thing, Rafael was a bit rough in the bedroom, at first you assumed it was just pent up anticipation or anger from a trial, but he was consistent. Everything felt wonderful, and he never hurt you, you both even had a safe word, but you wanted everything to be softer, slower, closer. 

You hesitated to bring it up because you were terrified of shaming him, making it seem as if his sexual preference was out of the norm, or deviant. Especially with his line of work prosecuting sex crimes you feared that he would think the sex you had was non consensual. It wasn’t, you just wanted him, Rafael, you wanted the sweet man you had come to know so well in the last few months. 

You planned to tell him when he got home from court, you had exchanged house keys a few weeks back and would wait for him to come home at his apartment. You took it upon yourself to make him dinner, or at least pick something up seeing as he would never find the time. You cared for him deeply, you might have even loved him. So now you were waiting in your sweatpants and his Harvard Law t-shirt, laid on his couch watching his press brief from earlier in the day.  

His keys sounded loudly in the door as he jangled them about and your first worry was that he was drunk. It happened more often than you would like. Rafael could hold his liquor, but on his worst nights he would drink more than he could handle and stumble home, frustrated and drunk. He always apologized profusely as you helped him out of his suit and into bed. It was hard. But every time it happened you would forgive him with a kiss before tucking him in next to you. He would pull you hard against him like a doll and roughly nuzzle your head with his cheek before falling fast asleep. 

You sat up on the couch as he fell into the apartment, dusted in snow that had been falling all day. He paused and smiled at you before taking off his coat and dropping his briefcase with a thud. 

“You would not believe the day I’ve had…” He started as he approached you, kicking off his shoes in the small hallway off the living room. 

“Wanna talk about it?” You asked, already knowing most of it having watched his press brief a few times before he walked in the door. 

“Not right now…right now…all I want to do…is fuck you until neither of us can stand.” He pounced on you, growling as he bit at your neck and sucked along your jaw. 

“Raf…”

“What’s our word?” He asked gruffly, his hands slipping underneath his Harvard t that clung loosely to your body. 

“Raf…Raf…Rafael!” You pushed him off of you and stood, heart pounding and eyes filling quickly with tears you desperately did not want to fall. 

He sat up quickly with wide eyes, reaching a hand towards you as if trying to calm a skittish animal. 

“I don’t want…”

“Hey…hey, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.” His voice trembled and he looked so shocked it broke your heart.

You started to cry, and Rafael didn’t know what to do. He wanted to pull you into his arms and comfort you but he was still confused at what had happened. Did you not like him anymore? Did you want to end your relationship? Had he done something? Said something?

You could almost hear the thoughts pounding away on the inside of his scull so you sat yourself in his lap and wrapped your arms around his neck as you cried softly. His hands were hesitant but they found their way to your thigh and back. He took a few sharp inhales, obviously trying to keep himself from crying too. You had to say something now, you had panicked him. 

“Raf…I…I really care about you, and I really like being with you, but…but sometimes…I just wish…you weren’t so…so rough.” You spoke slowly, worry and caution coating every word.

“Okay…I can do that…of course I can do that, cariño, why didn’t you tell me this sooner?” Rafael took a deep breath to calm himself and rubbed a hand up and down your back in a soothing motion. 

“I…oh Raf…I…” You struggled for words, not knowing how to tell him why you had waited without revealing the depth of your emotions for your man.

“You’re not…afraid of me…are you?” He lightened his grip substantially as you broke away to face him. 

“No baby no…I just…I want you to be open with me, I don’t want you to think I don’t like what you like in bed, because I do, I just want you to be softer, more gentle.” 

“I’m sorry.” He whispered, his voice low and eyes lost. 

“Sweetheart you didn’t know, baby all that matters is we’re talking about it now.” You reassured him with a light kiss on his brow. 

He looked devastated and it broke your heart in two. All Rafael could think was that he had hurt you, every time you had sex, he had hurt you.

“Are you okay…I mean…” He didn’t know the words to express how sorry he was, suddenly a montage of your sexual dalliances flickering before his eyes, wondering how he had missed your discomfort. 

“Raf you didn’t hurt me, I’m fine, I’m more than fine, I’m with you.” You ran a hand through his hair but he flinched slightly as if somehow trying to distance you from further harm.

“But now I’ve ruined it. I’ve ruined us.” His voice was dejected and his expression one of total despondence. 

“You have not! Rafael the last thing I want to do is have you blame yourself, or somehow think that I haven’t enjoyed our time together. Being with you is, god, so wonderful, please don’t think I’ve been hurt or…traumatized.”

He fell silent and the look on his face worried you, you could physically see the mask fall over his features as his eyes returned to yours in an expression of neutrality. 

“If you would like to…go. I understand.” His voice betrayed his emotions, as his arms left your body entirely.

“Rafael, I’m never going. Never. I love you. And I’m going to stay by your side for as long as you’ll let me.” This was the only thing you could have possibly said to heal him, to save him from himself. 

There are moments in life, terrible situations of loss or grief in which one is totally and utterly at a loss for words. One cannot know what another needs so desperately to hear, the many or few words that would soothe and suffice. But sometimes, sometimes those words are spoken into the heavy silence, by chance or by a bond so deep they seemed the only words that could be spoken, and they heal, salve and reconstruct. 

These were the words Rafael needed to hear. The words he had been waiting to hear for decades. Though he would have no one think so, he had felt horribly, terribly, miserably, desolate…for so many years. Left in the cold by one lover and then another, his trust fading until he no longer trusted anyone, unable to relinquish his guard he had constructed so flawlessly. 

But here you were, saying the only words that silenced the screaming congress in his head, the only words in the entirety of the English language that would allow him to forgive himself. 

“I’m never going. I love you.” You repeated and his mask fell, melting like a cascade of silk ribbons into your hands as you caressed his face, pulling him from deep within himself where he had retreated. 

“I’m so sorry.” He repeated once more as you stroked over his brow and nose, placing delicate kisses in a path as you went. 

You took one of his hands and placed it on your chest so he could feel the calm beat of your heart as it pulsed against your ribcage. That seemed to soothe him, his fingers flexed and pressed against the fabric of his t-shirt. 

“Rafael Barba, you have nothing to be sorry for.” His eyes flicked up to yours and you couldn’t help but gasp softly at the total lack of inhibition in them. 

He was relaxed and at peace, the weight of you on his lap and the beat of your heart under his fingertips. Rafael Barba surrendered himself to you, to your scent, to your voice, to your words. 

“I trust you.” He spoke, his voice light at this admission. 

You took his other hand and kissed each finger slowly, taking his middle finger into your mouth with a light suck and brush of your tongue. 

“I will never betray that trust.” You spoke after removing his finger from your mouth and pressing his palm to your cheek in a tender motion.

“Did you mean it?” His voice was small and so unlike him it gave you pause. 

“What baby?” 

“You love me?”

“I’m afraid so.” You smiled softly trying to return your usual humorous rapport to the moment.

He brushed his hand over your cheek, feeling the rise of the bones in your face as he moved over them. 

“If you’ll let me, I’ll show you how you can love me too.” You moved forward on his lap to convey the physicality of your intentions. 

He nodded and you rocked your hips over his a few times before standing and pulling him with you towards his bedroom. 

It was dark, you didn’t turn on the lights, you didn’t need them. Light from the city flickered in and out, street lamps below and headlights acted as candle light, soft and seemingly natural as you pulled him down beside you on the bed. 

He hooked one leg over yours and kissed you so lightly you wondered if your lips had made contact at all. You moved your hands along his suit clad body and helped him push off one layer at a time until his chest was bare. Rafael slipped you out of his t-shirt in one smooth motion, kissing at your upper arms as they were revealed to him. 

It felt as if everything were moving in slow motion, the kisses were long and languid, his touches even longer and softer. You moved his hands to your breasts and demonstrated on top of them how you liked to be squeezed and fondled. He observed carefully and repeated your motions exactly before he brought his mouth to your nipple. He rolled his tongue around the raised skin, sucking ever so softly before dragging his tongue wetly down the swell of your breast towards your ribcage. 

You moaned softly and he watched as you pressed your head into the pillow behind you, rolling onto your back from your previous position facing him on your side. 

He continued downward, kissing your stomach softly and then wetly, sucking along the plump area around your belly button. Rafael looked to you, not taking his eyes from your face as you watched him move even lower before waiting for your approval. 

He wrapped his arms under your thighs and anchored himself to you before kissing your center once, twice, three times with the upmost tenderness. You reached for his face and caressed where you could make contact as he licked you slowly, his tongue tasting your arousal more strongly than ever before. 

Rafael hummed and moaned as he moved agonizingly slow, working you with the tip of his tongue before lapping at you even more slowly. Just when you were almost over the edge he gave you a final kiss before moving his body over your own. 

You pressed against his chest with your hands until he landed on his back, your faces maintaining the same distance apart as you moved. You sucked on his jaw in the spot you knew he loved and listened as he moaned quietly. Ghosting a hand down his torso you let a finger fall and drag along his center, chest to pelvis before unbuckling his belt and removing his pants. 

He looked painfully hard when you eased his briefs down, so you rewarded him with a few kisses of your own before taking him into your mouth. He whimpered a few, “Oh God’s” before collapsing back onto the pillows with a hand on his forehead. 

You moved gently and carefully, extending every pleasure you gave him tenfold. Your tongue tasted him as he had tasted you, and it sent sparks through your stomach and spine. He fought to keep his hips in place as you took him further, nearly his entire length in your mouth and throat. You saw his hands clench his sheets and he cried out, meaning if you wanted him inside you you had to stop now. 

You laid on your back and he rolled on top of you, taking care not to press too hard against your body as he did. Now he was afraid, afraid of losing control and being too rough with you. You saw this written across his features and pulled his head towards you to kiss him, firmly and surely. 

“I love you.” You spoke tracing a finger down his cheek. 

Rafael lined himself up with you and pushed inside of you slowly. He watched every motion of your body as you took him in, observing for any hesitation or pain. You were in raptures as he bottomed out, throbbing inside of you as he stilled. 

He still hadn’t moved after a couple of moments so you placed your hands on his bare hips and urged him with the motion of your hands. You instructed him silently with your legs, moving along his back and thighs in tandem with his slow thrusts. Rafael cried and whimpered at the intimacy of the moment, you joined him delighted by the sounds he was making. You urged him a little faster with a nip on his ear and he obliged while moving a hand to your clit, his fingertips brushing along his cock as it slid in and out of you.

Rafael moaned your name, his eyebrows knit together in concentration, his jaw slacked and open at the pleasure he didn’t know was possible. The pleasure of intimacy, slow, undistracted intimacy. 

He rolled your clit softly and you kissed him hard before sobbing into his open mouth, that was his cue that you were seconds away from your climax. Rafael repeated the motions and you reached for his hands, pulling them up to rest in yours beside your head. He tented over you as he continued thrusting, the both of you whimpering and sighing, groaning and gasping at the strength of the sensations caused by such soft and tender ministrations. 

His eyes fell shut and he choked as his own climax began to eat away at his synapses. 

“Look at me baby…look at me.” You moaned, his grip on your hands even tighter as his body began to contract. 

The second his green eyes flashed open you came, focusing all your energy on keeping them open to maintain the bond of eye contact. He gasped loudly as you squeezed around him with the force of your climax. Rafael fell further onto you pressing your breasts into his chest as he came, every bone in his body melting away into an array of glitter that burned like fire. 

He couldn’t stop moaning as he recovered, only pulling out of you minutes later. As he struggled for his breath and words you laid your head gingerly on his chest and purred.

“I love you.” He managed, the words sliding from his tongue as if they had been on it’s tip for months. 

“I love you too. Thank you…for being so…gentle.”

“Was that…” He tried before taking a deep inhale.

“Very…I’d say the–” You almost finished before he stole the words from your lips.

“Best?” You could almost feel his smile as his arm wrapped around you and pulled you closer.

“Yes.” You chuckled softly, stroking his chest hair with the tips of your fingers.  

“You know…we can do the rough stuff sometimes, I don’t mind. Just not…all the time.” You spoke truly, genuinely wanting to indulge him every once in a while. 

“Whenever you want.” He closed his eyes and you knew he was about to fall asleep so you kissed him once more with a hand on his cheek. 

“Thank you…for understanding.”

“Of course…I love you.” The words made him feel warm, warm and safe. 

They had a similar effect on you as well. You whispered the same to him with a smile before drifting off into sleep, blissfully at peace in Rafael Barba’s strong arms knowing this was only the beginning of something truly wonderful.