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soleilnomoon · 1 year ago

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Prompt: “I don’t like them; I can barely tolerate them.” for Abarai Renji. Once again, I leave it up to you what you wanna do (but maybe enemies to lovers) Yes, I might be on a little Bleach binge right now but it's okay you like it. kiss kiss

*hides face* ok, ok, ok, hear me out, let's pretend i didn't take *insert accurate length of time here* and say i wrote this in a few days. i am so sorry i took forever and ever with this but as u know i can only give u top quality work or else i'll never forgive myself. renji is.......well *motions to him* yk how that man is, he made me suffer!!!! in a good way!!! but still i suffered!!! yk how much i love enemies 2 lovers u big brained beauty 🤭 so ty baby❤️️ also this is my first renji fic and i can't belev it.

5.2k words (don't look at me, just don't), fem reader, nsfw, 18+ mdni, enemies 2 lovers, angst city, angst angst city biiiitch (yk the vibez babey), smut obviously, no fluff bc who do u think i am? feat. renji being a mean petty bitch (i guess that makes him a mean dom maybe yes), sub reader bc that's what i want; there's a party with alcohol, ichigo and co. make brief appearances, bathroom sex, choking (he's sf romantic), a lot of cursing bc they're grown that's why, renji is a beast when he's jealous, reader is a lil bit of a brat but lbr who wouldn't be in that situation; mutual ""unrequited"" pining, lots of tension, fingering, rough (consensual) sex, lil bit of degradation, lil bit of a size kink, lil bit of praise kink, idk there's probably more stuff but i'm so tired rn i can't think; um renji obviously comes w his own gd warning; reader is determined to not let this man win but, hello, it's renji he always comes out on top wink wink. (if u see spelling errors/mistakes no u didn't hottie)

“when i write about all of this it becomes its own kind of violence. / i retell the story as myth, as if it were my own body devoured.” — caitlin scarano & “so much of love is violence. the desire / to be split open, invaded, mangled / and made new.” — erin slaughter

HATRED X TASTES X SWEET

you’ve never been cut out for this line of work, but your insistence on eliminating all your shortcomings is commendable. brave, even. it’s something you don’t really think about unless you want to spend the night half-drunk, rambling about the things you should’ve done but never had the courage to do.

like telling a certain red-haired, bullheaded lieutenant that he’s the most ridiculous and excessively arrogant man you’ve ever come across. all in all, you’re pretty sure telling him off won’t phase him; nothing ever does, not really anyway.

at first you try politeness; your grandmother would be proud of how well you’ve learned to bite your tongue. it’s ungraceful, but you fake it well enough that others think your emotional maturity is far above theirs. little do they know, you actually have to literally bite your tongue; simply remaining silent isn’t easy for you anymore. so, when you bite, it’s with rage, months of unshed tears and accumulated spite; you bite your tongue so hard you bleed more every time.

your unsaid words bunch together — tiny soldiers determined to strike in unison without fail — and sit heavily in the back of your throat, ready to launch forward at your command.

but you never say them, and you choke more than once; an unbearable shame to carry with you as he continues to slash at your patience, thin ribbons cascading off you like confetti. you wonder if your anger will lead to your death— or if it’ll lead to his. you intend to keep all of that hidden, though, and keep reminding yourself that eventually he will tire from berating you, from talking to you as if you’re the most incompetent being in all of soul society, from looking at you like your very being disgusts him.

that’s what you tell yourself these days. you like to conveniently ignore the way his dark eyes linger on yours during meetings — you’ve noticed that people have taken to describing them as soulless, cold and critical, unimpressed at everything and anyone.

but you see him — all of him; the raw, feral, powerful and severe side that not many have the misfortune of knowing. they think they get the real version of renji whenever they deal with him, but they never do; you know that now. you doubt it’s even intentional on his part, or maybe — just maybe — he really does hate you.

to put it plainly, as you’ve told rukia and rangiku, the sixth division lieutenant has the biggest fucking chip on his shoulder. despite the walls he continues to put up to keep others from carving out a place for themselves in his life, despite the way his words roll around his mouth, clumsily coasting down the length of his tongue before they pierce the air around you with their toxicity — you’re tired of the way he purposely singles you out time and time again to point out your inadequacies without remorse.

abarai renji is also sick of dealing with you. whenever he thinks he’s found a means of scaring you off, you scurry right back more determined and more obnoxious than ever. which is rich, coming from him.

he claims you’re inconsequential, a nuisance — a pest, even — one that he intends to get rid of permanently. it’s harsh and he’s more than aware of that, but he finds that this is the most appropriate solution to his problem. he could easily ignore you; he could try to keep his comments to himself and try to be somewhat cordial whenever you cross paths. but he won’t. and he has no damn idea why.

“no, no come in, i have plenty of snacks for everyone.”

rukia’s voice is a constant in his life that he’ll always be thankful for. he watches her glide into the room, grinning at the friends she’s invited over, her laughter like soft bells that is easily recognizable even with all the conversation happening. when he feels his chest constrict, an uncomfortable, yet familiar warmth stretching over his skin, he decides to drink so that he can ignore the sensation and forget.

a feeble attempt, because he knows how this will all end — with him drunk off his ass in an even worse mood than he started.

mouth opening, renji prepares to tell rukia to get better sake, when rangiku leads you into the living room where he’s lounging comfortably. the bottle in his hand grows heavier by the second and suddenly he’s not very interested in drinking anymore. already, his foul mood from earlier returns, and every step you take only fuels his irritation; it bubbles underneath his skin, making him frown and grip the bottle tighter.

you don’t need to look at him to know that he’s glaring at you — he always is. rangiku feigns obliviousness as she encourages you to go make yourself comfortable while she fetches snacks with rukia. you stare at both of them, wide-eyed, confused — a pleading look sliding onto your face after a few moments, but they assure you both that they’ll be back shortly.

with a sigh you sit on the armchair adjacent to him, determined to just remain quiet in the hopes that he’ll just ignore you for once. sitting up straight, discomfort finds its way to the pit of your stomach, swirling around as you fidget with the bracelet around your wrist. his eyes watch your movements with an obsessiveness that startles him; there’s no reason why he should be interested in the shape of your fingers, there’s no reason why he should be interested in the way you keep brushing stray curls away from your face, and there’s no reason why he should be interested in possibly fucking you when he knows for a fact that he is absolutely uninterested in you.

his disinterest runs so deep it spoils the taste of the sake, but he takes another swig anyway. the alcohol burns as it travels swiftly down his throat, and it just so happens that you glance over at him — innocuous, an attempt to gauge his annoyance level — as his throat bobs and your mouth dries at the sight.

you turn your face away quickly, a traitorous flush crawling slowly along your skin, unjustly warming your cheeks. inhaling deeply, you do your best to will the blush away to no avail. where the hell are rukia and rangiku? surely it can’t take that long to grab snacks. you’re tempted to go find them, but you have a sinking feeling that it would turn you into a coward.

and you refuse to give that man any more ammo against you.

IT’S X (NOT) X YOU

what initially starts as a small get-together, quickly turns into a party; leave it to rangiku to liven things up, her laughter infectious and whimsical, flitting about like a persistent hummingbird as she encourages everyone to play drinking games with her. experience taught him better than to engage because despite his high tolerance, there’s really no beating rangiku when she’s on a roll.

but when you emphatically agree to play with the rest, fury rises in his chest; your audacity, it seems, knows no bounds — and, yes, he understands the hypocrisy in his critique. he just doesn’t care.

the games are every bit as simple and ridiculous as you thought they’d be, but as everyone seems to be in relatively good spirits, you play along. not normally competitive with things like this, you get into the swing of things when you win round after round.

cheers resound nearby at your success, but throughout the evening, you feel renji’s stare and do everything in your power to not give in and look back at him. a tough feat to say the least, as you are always acutely aware of his presence; and when you do happen to sneak another glance, his legs are spread and you curse under your breath for finding that attractive.

foolish, you chide, so fucking foolish.

renji sucks his teeth as he feels a heaviness in his head; groaning loudly he swirls around what little sake he has left in his glass before finishing it.

“you lose again,” rukia’s voice is soft and teasing, but he’s annoyed and can’t be bothered with talking to her right now. she pats his shoulder gingerly before standing up to head to the kitchen. his mind is a mess and he blames you for it completely.

“i don’t fucking care,” he says gruffly to her retreating figure, not bothering to elevate his voice as he’s sure she heard him. and he really doesn’t care; he’s trying to tell himself to calm down, but he can’t.

the fault completely lies with you — of course it does, everything you do agitates every cell in his body. the reason is simple, and he hates that he doesn’t want to admit it — he’s so undeniably attracted to you that it pisses him off. he takes in your appearance for the twelfth time that night, admiring the softness of your cheeks, the fullness of your lips, the way you seem entirely too animated as you laugh at someone’s lame joke — and yes, he can tell it’s not funny from how your laughter dies down after a few seconds.

if he had better sense, he’d stop looking at you, but he can’t now; he might blame the sake for this later.

the intensity behind his gaze is enough to bring an inextinguishable heat along your skin. it’s only unpleasant because it travels down to your lower abdomen and brings about an agonizing ache between your thighs. at first, you do the sensible thing and ignore it; but the longer he stares, the more you want to look over, until finally you can’t take it anymore.

“i’ll be back,” you mumble to the other guests, although you doubt they hear you with how rowdy everyone is being; the noise isn’t unwelcomed, the distraction serves to mask your footsteps when you scurry from the living room to the back corridor, turning corner after corner until you find the bathroom.

a coward — that’s what you are.

you barricade yourself in there without thinking, heart pounding loud enough to disorient you. after several long minutes, you splash water on your face and take a few deep breaths.

“i can’t believe i ran away,” your voice is so soft you barely hear the words — almost as if you’re still in disbelief over the entire situation. there’s something off about renji tonight; the tension between you was more palatable and tangible than normal.

even though you feigned nonchalance as best as you could, there were so many moments where you couldn’t help but watch him too. pitiful. absolutely pitiful. there’s no excuse for it, and yet you struggle to find one anyway.

as you look at your reflection in the mirror above the sink, you try to convince yourself to head back out there. sooner or later, people will realize that you’ve gone missing — and rangiku is nosy enough and like a bloodhound when she’s drunk. your time is incredibly limited now.

there’s no reason for you to continue to avoid the inevitable, so you sigh and give yourself a small pep talk before heading back outside.

TRUTH X OR X …

renji’s mood doesn’t improve at all; in fact, it worsens the moment ichigo sits right next to him. he’s not even sure why this sets him off, but even closing his eyes and counting backwards does nothing to keep him calm.

with slight difficulty, renji grits out, “what do you want?”

undeterred, ichigo stares at renji pointedly, voice steady as he says, “you could go after her, you know.”

again, renji sucks his teeth loudly, arms folded against his chest, right leg bouncing slightly as he taps his foot on the floor. punching ichigo would be pointless, and then rukia would get involved and he doesn’t have time to deal with the fallout from that so he keeps his hands to himself.

besides, his anger is obviously misdirected right now. he knows — he knows —but he doesn’t care, so he doesn’t mince his words when he responds with, “go after who?” through his peripheral, he can see ichigo’s patience has also reached its limit.

“you’re not that stupid, so stop acting like it.”

normally, renji would take the opportunity to mes s around and argue back and forth, but he might actually fight his friend if he doesn’t walk away. so, he does; abrupt and without looking back, footsteps heavy on the hardwood floor.

maybe he just needs to change his approach with you, maybe talking things out would work in his favor; or maybe he needs to fuck you hard enough to purge you from his mind.

he lies to himself when he considers the first option, because it’s the second option that drives him to walk a little faster, head full of impossible thoughts as he wonders just how far you’d let him go.

when renji finally finds you, you’re in the middle of rebuffing the advances of an unfamiliar guest — they’re drunk, handsy, and keep oscillating between giving you cheesy pick-up lines and berating you for rejecting them. but you stand firm, and your voice is relatively loud when you tell them, “for the last fucking time, go away.”

under normal circumstances, renji would let you handle this yourself; he has no desire to play prince charming or be a knight in shining armor. you’re more than capable, and he’s seen the way you fight and argue to defend yourself — but, it’s when they place a wandering hand on your hip that he loses sight of all of that.

a brief moment passes, where your blood boils as you contemplate how best to kick their ass, but you never get the chance. a rather large shadow hovers over you both, but you already know who it is without having to look properly.

renji is a force to be reckoned with on a good day, but he’s at his fucking limit right now.

he doesn’t ask, doesn’t give any options for retreat, doesn’t say a word when he yanks them off with a brute strength that surprises even you.

now, can he really be blamed for throwing them into the neighboring wall hard enough to make a noticeable hole? and is it really his fault that the drunk can hardly walk as they clutch their broken arm while murmuring something unintelligible, something that renji takes as a sign of them wanting a repeat demonstration?

consequences be damned, he gives the drunk a lethal look before they scramble away in fear.

“loser,” he says loud enough for them to hear, but they don’t double back or even try to go toe-to-toe with the hot-headed lieutenant. you watch, half-amused and half-impressed with the unnecessary machismo, but still, you know better than to chastise him right now, especially when your heart sputters out of control from his proximity.

“…thanks,” you say, a faint flush on your cheeks, voice soft, head fuzzy when you realize that renji — aka mr. “i’ll fight you on everything any day of the week unprovoked for no reason other than to drive you crazy” — saved you. unprompted at that.

you make the mistake of looking up at him, your nerves prompting you to take a small step back when you realize that the usual hostility that renji reserves for you specifically is nowhere to be found. in its place is something more unreadable — or, rather, you don’t want to read into it for fear of being wrong.

renji steps closer, which makes you back up again until your back hits the wall and you’re no longer able to escape.

“we need to talk,” he says suddenly, but you shake your head, non-verbally objecting to the idea, curls bouncing wildly with your exaggerated movements. since he knows he’s pressed for time, he grabs your face with his large hand and stops you from moving. “that wasn’t a request.”

swallowing rusty nails would be better than dealing with your conflicting feelings over renji right now, because he’s much too close to you and now you’re forgetting why it is you hate him in the first place. ironically, he’s in the exact same position. so far, he’s acted on impulse over you more times than he can count tonight, but he supposes that’s to be expected — you are a wildcard, after all.

“what if i don’t want to.” your response is clumsy, the words tumbling one after the other. “what if i want you to leave?” you don’t actually mean that, but you throw it at him anyway, to see if maybe this was all a fluke, and maybe, just maybe he’ll remember himself and you both can go back to fighting like usual.

he considers your question, goes so far as to release your face to wrap his hand around your throat instead. your sharp inhale and parted lips tell him all he needs to know.

with a slightly raised brow, he asks, “well, do you?”

because if you do, he’ll walk away right now. but he knows what your answer will be, he just has to drag it out of you. he squeezes your neck to remind you to hurry it up, and before you can answer him properly, he places his leg in between yours, pressing close enough that you roll your hips forward while whimpering softly.

he really didn’t think any of this through, but luckily the adrenaline from it all won’t wear off anytime soon, so he’ll improvise along the way. he spent most of the night dealing with a semi-hard cock that wouldn’t listen to reason no matter how many times he tried to stop thinking about you. but now? all of that restraint goes out of the window, and before he can question it, he kisses you.

you’ve kissed plenty of people in your life — some good, most were mediocre and uninspiring — but renji actually takes your breath away. everything about him commands all your attention; from the way his lips move against yours greedily, leaving behind burning kisses that make your nipples harden underneath your clothes — to the way he thrusts his tongue in between your plush lips, licking inside of your mouth hotly, igniting an inextinguishable flame deep inside of you.

he grabs your hip with his free hand, squeezing hard, fingers digging firmly. all the irritation from earlier dissipates completely, leaving you feeling lightheaded and needy; you grind against him recklessly, arousal dampening the front of your panties, clit sensitive as it rubs against the delicate fabric. his cock presses against you — thick, long, and hard — and you wonder if this is why he’s so angry with you all the time.

was it always that simple?

if you asked the question aloud, he wouldn’t know what to tell you — it’s a combination of things, but mostly he’s an idiot; he knows that now, but likewise you’re an idiot too. you just don’t realize it yet.

it’s renji who pulls away first, lightly panting, breath warm against your lips as he releases his hold on your neck. he doesn’t know where he finds the strength to string together a coherent statement, but his voice is low and husky when he speaks. “answer my question.”

you blink at him, completely in a daze, lips slightly swollen from all the kissing. “wh-what?” you don’t remember what he asked you, and you don’t care.

“do you want me to leave?”

for some reason, you completely forgot that you told him that. you rub your lips together and run your hands along his chest. “no.” the answer comes out automatically, without hesitation, and that’s all the encouragement he needs.

“good.”

SAY X IT X LOUDER

he picks you up with ease, almost as if you weigh nothing; a small squeal spills out of you as you wrap your legs around his waist, and renji gives you a sly smile — one laced with mischief and an unspoken promise of what’s to come.

you’re back in the bathroom again, this time sitting on the counter with renji standing in between your legs. his hands coast along your curvy hips and down your thighs. he’s touching you but he’s not touching you and it’s driving you crazy.

with hurried, eager hands you both undress, and for the umpteenth time you internally curse this style of uniform; still, it doesn’t take too long before his hands are on you again, calloused palms rough and warm against your skin. he places a kiss on your jaw, then another on your neck right underneath your earlobe; each kiss he leaves behind distorts your common sense, makes you feel irrational and impatient. your hands are soft and well-practiced, stroking his stiff cock as his hips jerk forward from your touch.

he can’t remember the last time someone had him this worked up, which pisses him off a little; because that means him fucking you once won’t settle things. at that thought, renji bites your neck and your startled yelp quickly morphs into a moan when he runs his tongue along the mark. he dips his hand in between your thighs, rubbing his thick fingers against your slit. a loud banging on the door has you looking over, and you can’t remember if he bothered to lock it once you both were inside.

your attention nearly falters, but when he pinches your clit you buck your hips, a shiver shooting down your spine at the slight pain.

“eyes on me,” is all he says, seemingly annoyed that you would dare to focus your attention elsewhere, “always keep them on me.” what he means by that, he doesn’t know, but you take the command at face value and nod while swallowing. he slides a finger inside of your wet pussy, and while you initially wanted to keep quiet to avoid suspicion and to prevent anyone from intruding, but you can’t now.

“renji,” you breathe, fingers trembling as you hold onto the counter for support, he thrusts his finger in and out, quick and hard, before inserting another. you clench around him, hips rocking forward as he fingerfucks you and grinds his palm against your clit. you close your eyes and moan louder than you mean to, chest heaving, thoughts jumbled and incoherent. he scissors his fingers inside of you, but quickly removes them without prompting.

“fuck!” you open your eyes again and stare at him in disbelief. “why did you stop?”

he laughs darkly and grabs your face roughly, fingers pressing into your soft skin without remorse. “what did i tell you earlier?” everything about this situation is laughable. he gave you very specific instructions, ones he thought were easy enough for you to follow. for some reason your movements are sluggish, mind in a haze as you scramble to remember but nothing comes to mind.

as you open and close your mouth, looking every bit as adorable as you are alluring, he decides to show you a bit of kindness.

“get down.” his command comes swift, his patience practically nonexistent; precum glides down the head of his thick cock, but he ignores it for the sake of teaching you a lesson. you don’t bother waiting for him to repeat himself and slide off the counter. “turn around.”

like a doll, your movements are dictated by renji with simple, short statements. nothing about that phases you, though; it’s all very exciting, so when you do turn to face the counter, you bend forward and lean over the counter. renji admires the roundness of your ass and slaps it hard.

again, you find yourself moaning loudly, without shame and not caring about the volume of your voice. surely the others won’t pay attention, as they’re still very drunk and are entertaining themselves with more games. another slap on your ass has you grabbing onto the counter again, legs shaking, arousal dripping between your thighs in anticipation. if renji doesn’t fuck you soon, you might actually die.

he knows he’s taking too damn long, but it’s much more interesting making you work for him. he rubs the tip of his cock against your puffy pussy, gliding it in between your slick folds, your moans sweetly wrapping around him once he pushes inside of you slowly. someone bangs on the door again, making you look over, anxiety quickly filling your head with unnecessary what ifs that almost command your full attention.

with narrowed eyes, renji grabs onto your hair, curls soft in his hand, and yanks hard.

“the fuck did i say earlier?”

goosebumps travel down your arms as a different kind of awareness and clarity surges through you quickly. you blink at your reflection, watching the way he towers over you, his muscles hard and defined — sculpted from years of training and dedication to honing his skills. it hits you then, what he’s really asking you.

“to,” you swallow thickly, throat dry, “to keep my eyes on you always.” you say it all in one breath, gasping when he runs his tongue along the curve of your ear. you don’t know how much more you can take, but you know if you complain, if you say anything he might stop altogether.

renji’s smile is wicked and dark, his lips graze your earlobe, voice deep and gravelly, a huskiness that wasn’t there before as he thrusts into you, burying his cock deeply.

“good girl.”

he refrains from kissing you properly, instead pushing you down so you can lean over the counter again. your mind melts from it all, and you’re panting, heart beating faster and faster as he firmly places a hand on your back.

“you’re squeezing me so tight,” he remarks thoughtfully, although you note the slight strain in his voice; as much as he tries to act like he’s not that affected by you, you know that isn’t the case at all. your pussy is every bit as enticing and heavenly as he knew it would be; he pulls back and slams his cock into you all over again, filling you completely. you try to keep watching him in the mirror, but he’s fucking you like he’s angry with himself for being so attracted to you.

and he absolutely is. it’s a truth he fought against for so long that he’s given up on denying it now. your moans drip onto his skin like caramel, sticky and sweet, and when you say his name like that — your voice going higher and higher from the ferocity of his thrusts — he nearly loses his mind.

“fuck,” he says out loud, grabbing your hip roughly, your wetness coating the length of his cock, “you’re taking me so well.” he knows you can’t really answer him, and he likes that; you’re beyond caring at this point, instead focusing on the way his cock reaches a spot that has you bouncing your ass and fucking yourself against him. normally, renji would play around and edge you in retaliation, but he’s too far gone, completely under the spell of your pretty pussy, with how soft and tight it is.

you’re not sure how you got here, but you’re drowning in ecstasy right now. he instructs you to lift your leg to rest it onto the counter, pulling out momentarily to help you position and spread your legs further apart. he plunges his cock into you again, keeping his hips closer as he gives you shorter, frenzied thrusts. your head spins and you can’t think straight, but that doesn’t matter. all you care about is the way renji is angling his hips, rolling them forward to pound into your cunt roughly, balls heavy as they smack against your ass.

“oh, oh, oh.” you swear your life flashes before your eyes, because something possesses him, his strokes shorter, brutal, and frenetic. drool slides down your chin, your voice hoarse from how loud you’ve been. you’re sure someone’s heard you by now, but you don’t care.

how can you?

with renji fucking you like this — merciless and possessive, fingers brusing your skin, almost as if he wants to make sure you’ll be as obsessed with him as he is with you — your common decency, your morals, everything that makes you you, they don’t exist.

all that’s left is this burning desire to let him have his way with you for as long as he wants. thankfully, you have enough sense to not admit that out loud; who knows what kind smugness you’ll be subjected to if renji knew.

but you’re pretty damn transparent about it, he can tell from the way you can’t stop clenching your pussy around his cock, from how your pussy makes loud, lewd squelching noises — ones that he’ll commit to memory so he can revisit them from time to time.

tears roll down your cheeks and you sob as you hold onto the counter as best as you can, back arching, hips rocking against him with a neediness you never knew you had. there’s a tightening in your stomach and your pulse skyrocketing as a flash of white practically blinds you. he watches the way your pussy keeps swallowing the length of his cock, and you finally fall over the edge, orgasm suffocating you with its intensity.

your cunt flutters around him, gummy walls soft and hypnotic, an addiction he never thought he’d have; breathing heavily, his muscles tense and renji groans something that suspiciously sounds like your name. the thought alone makes your face burn and warms your chest in a way that doesn’t make sense. and when he finally cums, he humps into you, cum thick and hot as it spills inside your pussy, mixing with your slick wetness. a completely messy affair, but he doesn’t care — it’s not his bathroom, after all.

legs trembling, you’re limp and incapable of movement, whimpering and whining until he finally pulls out of you.

renji runs a hand down his face, feeling spent but more than satisfied. suddenly his shoulders aren’t so tight and tense, and his mood is much more tolerable. you do your best to stand but almost fall — your legs are useless, turned to jelly because of the man behind you. he chuckles at that, then clears his throat once he realizes. he fully expected there to be a moment of awkwardness after, but it never comes. when he sees your face — lips bruised and swollen, face flushed, eyes glazed with a faraway look — he feels compelled to kiss you again. so, he does. it’s not sweet, nor is it tender, but it still makes your heart swell all the same. he holds you close as you wrap your arms around his neck, doing your best to keep standing, even though your legs are ready to give out.

you don’t know exactly what any of this means, but you do understand him a bit better now. he’s terrible with expressing himself, but you kind of like that about him; and maybe this isn’t the healthiest relationship, but life was uncertain and you’d take renji fucking you like it’s his last day alive over him openly hating you any day.

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shannonsketches · 1 year ago

Text

Thinking about Restorative Justice AUs this morning and I'm gonna copy/paste from the friendchat

part one:

Like yes okay I did listen to the apology song from book of life recently and after a moot posted something about the producer interview where zelda might’ve dismantled the monarchy after seeing how kingdoms are formed but didn’t have time in the game and I had feelings about it but imagine an TotK au in which the sages wanted to make gan human again because the circumstances of his corruption were also rooted in evil and the power of friendship means sovereign states full of love or something whatever you get me but like, they do the thing where they’re working on reigning gan in by seeing him (tm) and when it starts to work sagebody rauru is like ‘what are you doing he’s a monster No restorative justice (/personal grudge bc yknow he killed his wife)’ and light arrows him which makes him get monstrous again and goes after rauru and the kids have to figure out how to stop two stupid dogs from ripping each other and the whole world apart again

part two: (Re: That ^⁠ )

because I got hit with Apology Song from Book of Life AND I Know Who You Are from Moana -- Restorative Justice AU in which Riju is the one that can reach him because she knows what it's like to be a kid in a position she didn't ask for (in fact the exact same one he was born into) who is doing her best and she knows how angry and scared he must've been because she is also angry and scared and she knows he must be loyal to the darkness now because he felt betrayed and forgotten by his people but they still remember who he was before and she knows he used to be a hero and she knows he just wanted to keep his people safe and she can forgive him if he can forgive her but his enemies are her friends now and his people are okay they're okay and he doesn't need this power anymore his people are safe his war is over and he can come home to rest (die, finally)

and what if rauru light arrows him but hits riju (she's okay) and gan gets beasty and fights rauru and zelda splits them up and chains gan and rauru is like 'good chained like the beast you are' and goes to kill him and finds out he is also trapped by Zelda's light magic and she's like 'no this is fucking over goddammit i've seen how a kingdom is made and all of this is wrong i'm dissolving hyrule' and rauru's like '>:0 princess zelda-' and she's like 'QUEEN ZELDA. I AM THE DAUGHTER OF HYLIA'S LIGHT AND YOU WILL HEAR ME' and she banishes him back to the sacred realm so he can see his wife and be at peace whether he likes it or not and she destroys the malice/gloom on Gan and fixes Riju's injury with one like big untapped power boom she's been trying to reach this entire series and Gan can just sit with Riju and get to see her, this strong young Gerudo who is so brave and loves her people so much, and he can just idk crumble into sand and be part of his desert again

there was a Whole Movie in my head this morning

Bonus:

So Riju gets the closure of knowing she did destroy the evil that killed her mother and also gets to see and know and bury a legendary gerudo king and help his soul find the peace he clearly couldn't get on his own and Zelda gets the closure of knowing the cycle has ended and her power was ultimately used for good and Link gets the closure of just getting to hug all of his friends after a supernatural war

now he can go be babygirl to his boyfriend and his boyfriend's wife

and zelda can go be a hippie communist like her great great great great great x100 grandmother before her

and Baby Teba whose name escapes me can go be a great archer and Yonobo can go back to doing mining and capitalism

inevitably pissing off a dragon in the depths who will come out and eat them all

#riju #ganondorf #lozhc #i'ma call this the uhhh gerudojusticeau #gerudojusticeau #might draw stuff at some point maybe #idk no promises

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aleksa-sims · 11 months ago

Text

RL Simself Story ( 18+)

CW: Pregnancy, Babies, loss, blood

Another day at my grandparents drew to a close. After Dilek made her way home, N. and I got in a discussion. Not about her, it was about Alex, Daniel's Brother. 😔

Alex wrote me a letter, bcs he couldn’t call me. Daniel was against it! However, Alex mentioned a date in his letter. He wanted to see me! He said/wrote, he will wait for me in front of my and Daniel’s apartment on that particular day. I really wanted to see Alex!! I wanted to know what’s going on with Daniel and why he left me??? But as you can imagine, Nico was against it. Which was totally understandable!! That’s why I tried to talk to Nico about it. N. didn’t forbid me, but he let me know, he was disappointed in me. 🙁😞

He didn’t want to start a fight and just went over to M.’s room, while I cleande up our dishes in the kitchen. Nico asked M., what's wrong with Ana?? Why's she avoiding me?? So my Cuz told him what happend between Ana, Adam, Dennis & me in their dorm a few weeks ago. Yup! "Agh, thanks, bro!" 🤦‍♀️😒Such a moron!

Anyway! Now I'm gonna tell you about the dress I found in my room this afternoon. I thought it was my Mom’s! I really loved that dress! I felt so pretty in it. But my Grama seemed to hate it? I had the impression my Grama didn’t want to tell me exactly what she had against the dress I was wearing? She just said it's hers, not my Mom's!! And well, before I went to bed, I wanted to try to talk to her about this thing again in peace. She just came out of the bathroom. My Grampa was still sitting on the couch in the living room, watching a western movie. 😄He and his bloody, old, western movies. 😆😆Agh, I hated them!

Back to that dress. I entered the bedroom. My grandma was expecting me. She knew I had questions and was ready to talk to me about it.

My Grams was born and raised in Italy. She had three siblings! 2 Sisters and a Brother. When my Grams was 16, she went to Greece with one of her sisters, who's 2 years older than her, to work there. They worked in a hotel. And just a year later, she met my Grampa. My Grams was able to learn some Greek. But together with my Grampa, she learned the language relatively quickly and so they fell in love with each other. After spending over a year in Greece, my Grama decided to marry my Grandpa. He asked her and she was also pregnant. Her parents agreed, as long as my Grams had someone to take care of her. My Grandma's family didn’t have much money. My great-grandmother had lost an arm while working in a factory. That’s why she couldn’t work anymore.

Anyway, my Grandma was happy in Greece with my Grandpa .They lived in my Grampa's house which belonged to his Parents, who also lived there. My Grama and Grampa wanted to save money together to move out, so they both worked a lot. Even though my Grandma was pregnant, she worked 12 hours a day. She wanted to, and she felt good, so she just kept going. But when my Grams was 8 months pregnant, she suddenly got contractions during her shift at the hotel. She had to go to the hospital immediately! Something seemed to be wrong. She was bleeding. At the hospital, my Grandma found out she was having twins!!! She didn't know! No idea how her gynecologist could miss this, but my Grama told me that she was not often at the doctor at that time. She only had an ultrasound once! She didn’t take this so seriously. She was only 18! And her doc just said, she is young and strong, so it's all gonna be fine. However,my Grandma lost a lot of blood during delivery. She almost didn’t survive, she became unconscious, she said. She doesn’t remember what happened? She only knew, she was in a beautiful place, while the Doc's struggled to save her life. Everything felt so peaceful and wonderful. She wanted to stay there. She walked through a green meadow where two small kids suddenly ran towards her. She immediately hugged and kissed them. The three of them had a wonderful time on this beautiful meadow. They laughed, danced and played. My Grams was so happy. She didn’t want to leave this place. But after a while, the two Babies had to say goodbye to her. They told her, she had to go back home. My grandma didn’t want to, she asked, if she could stay there?... The Babies hugged her one last time, telling her not to worry about them. One day, they’ll see each other again, right here.

Then my Grama woke up and found herself in a bed in the hospital. She knew, her Babies didn’t survive 😟😢 ...... She told me, that she was not immediately sad as she woke up. She was rather disappointed, because she had to leave that beautiful meadow. A few days later my grandmother was back home. At home, she realized what had actually happened. She lost her Babies. 😔

And this dress I found, my Grandma loved when she was pregnant. Seeing me in that dress scared her, because I was pregnant too. She didn’t want to tell me, not scare me. And secondly, she knew that when I learned that she had twins, it would only make me more insecure. My pregnancy was unplanned, what if I have twins too?? So yes, it actually worried me.

Me: Was Grandpa nice to you? I mean, was he good to you? 😟

Grams: Yeah, he took care of me. Don’t worry about me, it’s been over 40 years.... In summary, I can say.... yes, your Grampa was a good man. It wasn't allways easy with him. You know how much he loves his beer. But thanks to me, your grandpa is not a drinker! No matter how long he was out at night with his 2 brothers and buddies. Every morning, I kicked him out of bed to go to work. But when it came to you kids, I could always rely on him... I know you’re still sad about Daniel. I heard you and Nico talking, but ask yourself a question, A.! How will it be in a few months? How do you imagine your future, not your present!! Now everything may seem uncertain and you are sad. You miss & love him. And if you weren’t pregnant, I’d advise you to wait and see about your marriage. Fact is, you don’t know why Daniel decided to leave? Maybe he didn’t see another way? Daniel is a calm, introverted guy. I think he kept a lot of things that bothered him to himself. In addition, he has never learned otherwise. He never really had anyone to... take care of him. Now it’s too late what his parents are trying to make up for. He doesn’t trust them, he generally has difficulty opening up. I think that’s why he couldn’t talk to you. I just want you to understand, that it wasn’t your fault. You can't fix in those few months you were with him, what went wrong for him in the past. And now that you’re pregnant, I doubt you and Daniel have a chance anyway. This will make it all the harder for him, to trust you. That's how things are rn. This is your current situation and you have to decide how you want to continue. Of course, I can’t tell you what to expect with Nico. But one thing I think, I can tell you! No man, no matter how much he loves you, will love your child as much as his Dad does. Daniel would probably try, and if he makes an effort, maybe he’ll be a good Dad for your Baby. But it’s Nico’s Baby. I know you had your struggles with him. But I talked to him last night. And in my opinion, you can rely on him. He’ll give you everything and he loves you. But most importantly, Nico doesn’t do drugs, bella. I know you don't wanna hear that, but this one important detail, is actually enough, to make the right decision, for you and your Baby.

Me: Why do you think I didn’t decide? I'm so happy with N. rn. I really want this with us! But..... yes! I'm still very sad about Daniel. I’m afraid to divorce him. I don’t wanna hurt him. I always feel like I’ve done something wrong, Nico and I, it feels like cheating.... You believe in God. Do you think someone wants to punish me for all I’ve done wrong? I don’t want my Baby to pay for my mistakes.

Grams: God does not punish, he forgives! That’s what it’s all about! Forgiveness. You have to forgive yourself, A.! But you did nothing wrong, honey. You were sad, felt abandoned, alone & broken. And Nico was there. You might think, he was there at the right moment. Where would you be now, if Nico hadn’t come back to your life? You can be honest A.! I’m not gonna be mad. I think I know what happend.

Me: I-....I’d probably be high with Dennis somewhere.

Grams: Who's Dennis?

Me: I met him at Ana's dorm.... We did drugs together. I even almost slept with him, even though I only met him a few hours before that. 😢

Grams: Come here.... You'll be fine. I'm gonna take care of you and your Baby. You're not alone... I'm there.

Me: Yea...... thanks... I'm going over to N.

Grams: Don’t tell Nico what you just told me. He doesn't need to know that.... You two have to get along with each other now and not fight. I think N is the guy for you. I'm pretty sure. And don’t forget what I said, think about the future, not the past. Tomorrow morning, I’ll remove all your wedding photos, you do the same thing in your room. That's rude to N. He didn’t do anything wrong, he was only there for you and I’m glad he’s back with you.

Me: So sorry about your Babies. I won't keep that dress. 😭

Grams: Oh, honey. It's ok. Please don’t think about my twins anymore. It's.... all fine. Afte all, just 2 years later, I got my boys and so you, your sister and M. That’s more than I ever dreamed of.

Agh, this was a lot! Sorry. But everything that has now been mentioned in the conversation between my Grama & me, will become a topic soon.

Previous/Next

#ts4 #sims 4 #sims 4 story #rl story #myrlgameplay #cw addiction #cw pregnancy #cw blood #cw loss #cw babies

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nitazenes · 4 months ago

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lmao you mad?

idgaf who sees any of my messy BS at this point. There's no way I could restart or anything because everyone who has ever stalked me has found my socmed

but it's my turn to vent

you have the gall to get petty and vague me and say that you are frustrated when, let's take a look at the facts, shall we?

We were together for over a year and not once did you try to get to know me. Never asked questions. Do you even know how old I am or what gender I identify as? Like the bare minimum bc i dont think you do.

The whole time I felt like you loved your husband more than me and i was just a side piece

I took time to actively invest myself in your interests, researching things you were into, following every blog you made because despite getting nothing in return I still loved you.

You abandoned me in the middle of me being controlled and abused when you were in the exact same predicament previously. Would you have wanted that when you were going through your abuse? Me just walking away to let you deal with it instead of being supportive and understanding.

When I came back to you after that horrible relationship ended you said you still wanted me to be part of your life and you wanted to take time and not rush but you left me believing that you were my supporter.

2 months pass and it's the same shit "good morning" "goodnight" being our only messages through the day. And sometimes i didnt even get that.

I come back to you to tell you that I want to be your partner again and you tell me youre no longer attracted to me. I don't blame you for that, in fact, i kind of suspected you were only into men

Which confuses me because I'm NB/gender fluid/have male alters. i identify as a man sometimes. i still grow my facial hair out sometimes. my legs havent been shaved in years like im not a girl dude so i felt that was a little transphobic

I may look feminine and i may embrace that feminine look currently but im not a girl

None of your alters ever really spoke to me. If we spoke at all that day

Ultimately we dated for over a year and you still didn't know anything about me. In fact In the end there, I was trying to be more of an initiator for you and was even getting pushy about wanting to tell you about my past bc that's how I bond with others. I show them my trust by knowing something that makes me vulnerable but you would give me weak responses to things i was passionate about.

Then I tell you I don't want to be your friend. After all of the above, if i did that to you, would you have wanted me as a friend? No. in fact it kind of felt like you just wanted me to kiss your ass while your real relationship was with your husband.

"We never got over you" BULL.

I wasnt going to post anything about this but yknow what, if youre going to bitch and complain about me, when I tried to give you everything. I was going to send you fabrics that ive saved and kept bc my grandmother gave them to me but I knew you had an interest in sewing so I cut up that fabric to send you pieces. I have a whole box of shit ive gathered over the past year I was going to send to you. I made Kandi bracelets for every alter i met or knew about

and what did you do for me?

take. take. take. But you'd never give.

That's why I dont want to be friends with you because even in your silence, you were hurting me. And at this point, people who hurt me have to go. Im too old for this shit anymore and I have a lot more to worry about than being practically ignored by my "partner" and causing my BPD to split every time I saw you posting about how much you were romantically invested *in a character in a video game* yes, i got jealous over a video game character because you would give that character more thought and attention than your own fucking partner.

So block me on everything, go ahead, everyone does.

I hope you get help. I hope you get everything you've ever wanted, but I don't want to hear a word about it.

This is me closing your chapter in my life. I'm sorry it had to be this way.

-Rey

#Musings #'at least i got my feelings out'#RY #/vague #you know who you are

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missazura · 2 years ago

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I really don't appreciate people who say you don't try hard enough to recover, I really look up to you as a person every time you leave a good bye here, I hope that you will not really go away, I keep up with you for a long long time, and every time you decide to stay, I get insanely happy.

I am sorry about your family, I just know about what you say to us in your vent posts, I would really like to believe they did what they did, because even before you were in the picture, they were already broken.

Not every one is cut out to parent, and the kids always pay the price, my dad left the moment he thought he deserved better,and never looked back, it hurts but it's not my fault, just like it's not yours.

We are not responsible for the pain and misery of people who were there way before us.

Thanks for being here, through better or worse, I hope you have a wonderful life ahead of you.

thank you. and yeah it's really hard to separate my self worth from my parents approval since that's what they (and society, culture has embedded within me) and it's just. it hurts a lot.

I've been working on accepting that my mom just didn't have the means to be a mother despite what my relatives think (they blame ME for being a bad daughter hence why she got fed up and left) but I think the newest revelation about my dad, the parent that I highly looked up to commited suicide in the end- after years of blaming myself for not being able to save him, hurts even more.

He was a kind and loving person who taught me to be the kind of person you see now, so it just feel like an ultimate betrayal to me. I know even long before that he has a history with depression (I'm starting to think it runs in the family). It contradicts the picture I had of him in my head about witnessing his death was almost poetic, theatric... how I spent the whole day engulfed with dread and anxiety as he gave me the papers to claim insurance and even said "thank you" as his true last words before he died in his bed. Everyone in the family thought he was a saint bc he was granted a peaceful way to die. Everyone said "it's like he knew he was going to die that day and prepared himself for it, what a miracle of god!"

Turns out he was actively neglecting his medication for his chronic illness a few weeks and refused to do anything about it. He KNEW he was going to leave behind two daughters who were still in school and highly depended on him since our mom died a year before. I blamed myself for a decade bc I was a teen who didn't know what to do and how to help him. He gave up. My mom gave up. She sent me an "apology" letter in my 16th birthday card- that conveniently she died TWO DAYS after my birthday in a car accident with no other casualties.

In the end, both of them committed suicide. Leaving me to be taken in by my aunt and grandmother who sees me (verbally stated from time to time) that I'm a burden they did not want to deal with.

So yeah. I don't really know how I'm going to recover from something this level of fucked up. I thought I had it bad before but this is just disappointing. Like I thought I had, at least a parent who unconditionally loved me. I was content about his death knowing that he loved me.

Now I'm not sure what to think about it anymore. I'm angry, I'm more than pissed and I will never have the closure I want because they're both long dead.

This is part of my past that I have to accept no matter what.

#suicide mention tw #vent #long post #death tw

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willowsallen · 1 year ago

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let me just talk about it.

i ruled an poc rp only once and we had that family that should be indigenous, exclusively. it was a fantasy roleplay, we weren't using anything from cultures but creating some inspired on this show that we liked a lot. so we had this indigenous family, this spanish family, this brazilian family, this black families and this argentine family. we were hanging out. i'm from peru, lived in south africa for 6 years, peru for 8, brazil for 7 and argentina for 5. currently here now. all bc of my dad's job.

i'm not indigenous myself. my grandfather was mixed, half indigenous man, but we were never proud of it once my great-grandfather literally stole my great-grandmother from her family and tribe, so we were never connected about it. we never talked about it. it IS HARD.

but once i created this roleplay and i wanted to make sure that i was doing right at least roleplaying. and i reached natalie out for having some help, because i didn't want to offend anyone. and i think it was for the worse.

i was talking to natalie on anon and i felt like trash. i don't have any experiences as an indigenous, i do not consider myself indigenous once my family was mostly made by white people and this died with my grandfather and his lands, because i don't feel like I have priority on this, so i wanted to make sure that I was doing it right.

natalie really did made me feel guilty for not "rescuing" my ancestors or my story, but how could i if the first indigenous was kidnapped and the only person that could talk to me about it died when i was 12??? and then, when i took bravery to talk about it and explain the indigenous characters we had this massive anon hate for not being truly indigenous. i wasn't understanding if i was supposed to put this diversity inspired on a tv show, or if i shouldn't because I'm not indigenous???? what was more offensive???? IT SHOULDN'T BE THAT PERSONAL. another famous gifmaker was also shading me but I'm not bringing this up. they were friend if I'm correct.

the rp was closed before we could even open. and i played this indigenous fc for a CANON character and i gave me so much anxiety that i literally stopped roleplaying for months. and i hated indigenousrph, i hate everything you were creating. I do apologize for that, I am really sorry. but I feel, for real, that natalie was a great piece for this massive hate and avoiding of indigenous faces and games: we were afraid and panicking all the time.

i don't know if this is making any sense I'm nervous and terrifying of being recognized. I just want to finally talk about how I feel. I'm sorry for causing this trouble, and I'm sorry for not being aware of my ancestors. but honestly I shouldn't be sorry. this is shit.

i want to start this off by saying that i understand the reasoning why you don't consider yourself indigenous, but if that's ever something you wanted to explore or learn more about, please know you have every right to do so. before i actively started reconnecting, i would only ever say i was native if i was specifically asked, but usually i would tell everybody i was irish and italian. it was something only mentioned every now and then in my family. (granted, my grandpa's house was decked out in dreamcatchers, photos, plaques, etc. but we just didn't actively talk about it!) but when i decided to make the leap into simply learning more about where i came from, my mindset on it switched. that's just MY experience, though. i wanted to open that up for you if that was ever something that crossed your mind! you have every right to do what's best for you, of course. now onto the natalie shit. simply... fuck her. such an ugly soul, like truly horrible. i apologize that she put you through that and ever made you feel that bad. especially to the point of not even wanting to write anymore. this is just a note for ANYBODY in the rpc but: play indigenous muses! it's nothing to be scared about (now)! all you have to do is not give them some tigerlily greywolf name, and not give them all the indigenous stereotypes (lives on a poor rez, gambles, drinks, etc.) and you're good! same with any other ethnicity, you just... PLAY THEM. but back to you - thank you for sending this in. i hope saying this give you a little bit of comfort, and heals you! nothing was your fault, your family's history is not something you are to blame for? what she did was not fair to you or to other people trying to learn more and ensure they're being respectful.

#anonymous #olivaraofrph #long post /#drama /

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pricklepicklepie · 2 years ago

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It might be hard to ask for faves… so who is the oc you’ve had the longest?

OH EVAN, thank you bless you i love you. Let's open this can of worms together -

(forgive me, this got LONG. I mean LONG. It should be a simple answer but NO)

So, my oldest OCs, I didn't even post yesterday. This is a group of some of my oldest. I'm sure there are older ones, but these are the ones I remember/have images of. Lucis is probably the oldest with Katey being the second. There were piles more with this crew. Pretty much anytime I drew anything that wasn't transformers fanart, I added them to this "world". Which was nothing special, none of these guys ever had solid backstories or even interests or jobs. They were just designs that I returned to. Zoi and Lucis eventually got a little more developed (but not a lot lol) and got pushed into my "second gen" OCs. I don't really draw these guys anymore accept occasionally or when I want to make something new, sometimes I revamp an old OC and insert them into whatever story I'm making. Here are some of their more recent designs. I think these are all I've drawn of them in like, ten years or more lol.

Eventually, I made Zoi an office worker who plays bass in a band with Lucis and another OC, Elliot. SPEAKING OF ELLIOT

Elliot is kind of my oldest OC with a 'story'. SORT OF. First, I had all those loose OCs, not in a story, not doing anything. Then one day I make Elliot and Adrien and I decide they're going to be in this angels and demons type story where Elliot dies and comes back to life and they encounter evil angels, etc etc. Joel was a villain, Lucy was like, 'the girl', lol.

This whole plot didn't stick and I eventually just made Adrien human and now they sort of exist in a nebulous, melancholy, dreamy, sorta real-world setting. Elliot is roommates with Zoi and Lucis and the three of them are in a band. Adrien is a guy who just happens to be at their show. Some of my other OCs are in the background of this world, but I don't really think about them lol.

Here's kind of the transition period between the original, fantasy-type story, and the normal world story.

This was late in high school/college that I started calling Elliot's story Elliot's Sword. And it was going to be like Elliot going into a fantasy world from the real world and becoming a god-like figure. But after college, I made them the normal, real-world story. Here are some drawings from the modern era of Elliot and Adrien

It's hard for me to even find drawings of them bc I don't draw them so much, which is a shame! I really like the way they had become. I want to do a story with them where they meet at a show (or reunite since they went to college together) and Elliot eventually helps Adrien through the loss of his Grandmother who is his family's matriarch. And this brings up a lot of feelings for Elliot about his mother who died when he was a child. And together, they sort of explore this half-waking/half-dreaming world of grief. I had this idea that Elliot is like, a dream hopper and goes into people's dreams. And it's a story I really want to write one day, but ALAS. time will tell.

The Oldest Oc I posted about last night, is Puck! OOOHH BOY DO I LOVE PUCK. BUCKLE IN.

These are some of my first drawings of Puck, along with Richard and some other OCs in her setting. I made Puck for a character design class in college. I think my Junior year. She and Richard were basically Fallout rip-off OCs - they came from a post-apocalyptic world with Puck from the country and Richard from a large settlement. They were kind of 'Prince and the Pauper'. And I had this whole thing where they meet, dislike each other at first, have to work together to rebuild Puck's hometown, grow to love each other, adopt a girl named Tommy and raise her in the town, and eventually, Richard does something to betray Puck's trust when they're in their late 50s and they spend the rest of their lives in this bitter divorce arc. Here are some comic pages I made for various college assignments. This was a story I called The Town of Shilo.

Their story now is a little different than it used to be. Now, the idea is Puck comes to this large, sci-fi-ish city and meets Richard and all these other people and helps them maintain their little community by keeping robotic police off their turf. Puck's mother and sister are the CEOs of this large pharmaceutical-turned-weapons company, (though she has been sort of cut off from them and is their unknowing test subject, so she's not involved in whatever they've been up to). And Richard is the son of some politian and is trying to play double agent and use what he finds out from his nepotism job to inform his friends. There is SO MUCH MORE to it that I need to write down and nail down. But that is the basic idea.

These are all the OCs I think about who aren't DnD related. So I kind of have two worlds (elliot's and puck's) that I revisit from time to time and fuss with. The thing is, I never write anything down and never try to world-build or nail anything down. I just draw them with non-specific ideas in mind lol, which definitely has to change. With DnD ocs, it's just so much easier to make a quick guy who has a flaw and then his story is just figuring out that flaw and you get to do that with your friends and it's EASY. But I have a hard time getting back into my other OCs bc I can never settle on a story for them. But I do have dreams of making comics of them, so who knows, hopefully soon I will actually build out their worlds and be able to be more specific about what they can do/what happens to them. lol. BUT I UH NEVER GET TO TALK ABOUT THEM REALLY SO I SORTA TOOK THIS CHANCE TO SAY EVERYTHING EVER ABOUT THEM. HOPE THAT'S ALRIGHT??

tldr: I have this OC, Lucis, who is probably my oldest Oc who I don't draw anymore LOL

#ignore #asks #evans-endeavors #dude evan I am so sooryy i fucking wrote a book here I'm so sorry #prickle pickle art tag

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loumauve · 1 month ago

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all in all I had a somewhat productive day. went to get some groceries and drop off some Pfand in the process. bought everything I needed for a proper salad and then made it, too, which is a big step considering what a mess my kitchen still is, but progress!

managed to sort through all the fabric and the yarn and put it into the transparent bins so none of it is in cardboard boxes anymore - super big step forward. especially because I finally managed to let myself throw some things away that I'll never use even tho some of the fabric was given to me by my brother's ex-wife's grandmother who sadly has since passed away, so I never had the heart to let go of any of it until now.

but yeah, that corner of the room is finally mostly sorted. there's one big bin which I'm still trying to decide what to do with, at the moment it's got a bunch of crafting stuff in it, but it's also heavy as hell because of it, so lifting it in and out of that corner is crap on my back and I don't really like the big plastic bin the yarn is in atm because it doesn't close tightly. so I might end up switching those two and getting rid of the crappy one eventually.

that's a task for another day though, but I managed to convince myself to take out the trash that accumulated through all of that right away which, also progress. taking out the trash and feeling like people will judge me for how often I do so is one of the big struggles for me, which is stupid. my dad put it quite nicely years back: isn't it better they see you take it out a little more often than never see you take it out and assume you like in a garbage heap, which tbh is how I used to live back them because I couldn't make myself go out for most things, much less to take out the trash. so yeah, progress. my old therapist would be proud, I'm sure.

more sorting out tomorrow tho I might go for the living room next. or maybe the crafting stuff overall, because it's the biggest point of annoyance to me atm since it's spread throughout the entire flat and I barely even remember the things I have whenever I get ready to make something.

maybe I should also give myself two cardboard boxes total for sentimental pieces of paper bc it's getting out of hand. OR maybe I just put it into a scrap book of some sort. could be nice to have something to look through even if it might take time to fully put it together.

anyway. the one good thing about being stuck at home with a horrid cough is that I had some additional time to get around to this stuff because I haven't really been able to take the time the past two or so years. between the travel back and forth between places and the general exhaustion from being around certain people - both at school/work, I just didn't want to add more emotional stress on top. and the sad thing is that letting go of anything, even the smallest bits of paper is so damn emotionally charged for me that it generally sucks to even think about. but I guess I've been making some progress.

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thurisazsalail · 2 months ago

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Tumblr people, do you know how lucky I am?

Today is 9/9/24

Around september 2004, i was about a year from graduating high school

It was so hard. I am lucky I graduated at all. What good is hyperlexia at a college level when *entering kindergarten* if your surroundings and finances prohibit education

I think that was the year i had begged my way into a mostly-black, very socially segregated F-rated school in one of the worst states in the US for education. The teachers (and classmates) were awesome, but what can they do under No Child Left Behind defunding them to institute the Air Force recruiting (and less stated, school to prison don't got a pipeline there. It's the pond that pipeline dumps out at before prison, like a moat.)

But it meant 2 hours of transit across town. I'd get up around 5am, walk blocks to a dark bus stop near a semi-wooded private road by 5:20ish to meet the 5:30ish bus (*usually* it came. Not always.) The bus transfer didn't always get to school on time, so i often missed breakfast and sometimes home room period, which meant fighting absences I didn't have. When I got home, it would be 5:30pm or later. I had homework, sometimes HOURS of it to compensate for the learning disabilities everyone said I definitely didn't have. I also babysat siblings, cooked, did laundry, unloaded dishes, and had animal care duties. Depending on the day, I also had assorted under the table jobs. I might get to sleep by midnight or 1am. Normal for years. And all the damage that comes with it.

While fighting worse and worse anaemia and whatever was making me bruise to the touch since about 12-13. Docs kept saying it was nothing. I couldn't ride my grandmother's bike anymore, not even for one whole street. My lungs felt like I had been hit in the chest. The more air I tried to get, the less oxygen I felt like I had.

In Sept 2014, I was getting ready to quit a job. It was that or die. I thought that then, I think so now. I wanted to keep working it though.

In Sept 2013, my partner was working full time and I had 3 part time jobs, but ome wasn't scheduling except rarely (off season for catering) and wages in this area were abysmal. This was the beginning of the housing investor crisis, before anyone but the poorest were paying attention to it. Rent had almost doubled, too much to pay but moving cost first and last month's rent, plus security deposit (up to a month's rent) plus pet fees, plus moving costs like paying to change both our driver's licenses (mandatory in 30 days,) electric bill transfer fee + new deposit (often $200-400 at the time,)... pet fee + pet rent, etc. Oh yeah, and each application could be $50-80 PER PERSON for a new apartment. Non refundable. Also requirements are a surprise! And if they got your identity wrong (they did w my partner, twice) there is no recourse. :)

So when a guy in a new-new bmw decided that traffic laws weren't for him, slammed into my car, and drove off, i didn't *just* have a severe concussion + injuries he didn't pay for. Witnesses didn't stay, of course. The car was wrecked. The cops *eventually* found him- because he reported that I hit HIM amd drove away.

I lost all 3 jobs. No transportation. When my partner's boss found out, he was fired. Even though he was literally 15mins single bus trip down the road. That's legal in Florida.

So that day, we had nothing.

It takes months to collect unemployent and Florida had recently been held by the DOJ for violating federal rules on that, too, for illegal employment tests. So that was out. And my jobs wouldn't qualify anyways. And they only pay a few hundred a month, if that. And we wouldn't qualify for food stamps (SNAP/EBT) bc of minimum work requirements.

Oh yeah, injuries and no car.

Also the cops gave the guy a moving violation ticket, which he fought in court, sparking a lawsuit that took years. At the end, it barely paid for a other 10 year old used car.

So I got the only job that would hire me within that 2-3 weeks: a restaurant that didn't care how I got there or ask questions. Or do paperwork, really.

It saved us. They saved us.

It paid below wages but I ate for free, unlimited soup + salad, and whatever the kitchen made for employees at lunch and dinner. Often that was what I could get. Sometimes what customers sent back, if it wasn't picked over or 'wet,' like a soup or something. Whatever. I have eaten flowers and moss, long before this "foraging" trend. I do not care.

But the hours were often long. Up around 6:30, walk to the bus by 7:15 (i think?) Get to work by 9, prep food, stock, clean my area of the kitchen + front. Double shifts until close. I preferred that anyways. Take the money, and lower bus:work ratio. Sometimes I hauled laundry with me so I could do it nearby between breaks. We didn't have a washer or dryer.

There were 2-3 of us for the floor, but by 2014, it was just me. Some people came and went, one went back to another state, one I fired while the boss was gone and learned enough mandarin to explain "heroin," and another lied for weeks to get paid and not show. Things were as bad for the boss. Their partner had a very bad pregnancy, and he couldn't afford to hire people to run the place. The remaining 3-4 of us did what we could. I learned kitchen stock, appetizer cooking, did all the dishes, prep for front + inventoried/ordered beer, figured out how to make it work with vendors (wonderful people) and more. Another financial devastation cropped up when Walmart bought the space. Landlord made everyone move BUT refused to pay for adequate, up to code restaurant space. Shut down or pay up.

Soon, I went from working 4-5 days a week, open-close, and then getting home to do chores and run the etsy shop, to doing the same but working 7 days a week with a few days off a month. My partner was in the middle of a total breakdown while looking for work (while over 45. Not looking good.) No mental health or medical services in Florida. So... just die.

Pretty soon, the body couldn't take it. I was having panic attacks when getting dressed. My feet felt like they were broken, and worse if I put weight on them. I couldn't afford a day off. Literally, couldn't afford it.

What rare time off I'd had months before, *of course* I'd applied for other work. All kinds. Duh. Minimum wage jobs like Barnes + Noble told me that they'd had SO MANY BA grads apply, they wanted someone with a Master's in lit or english. For $9/hr or less. This was normal.

Also the mold in my apartment, courtesy of a slumlord, was causing me to lock up if I was home too long. I spent hours in a cold shower to breathe again. The vents were black. The A/C caught fire- good thing my partner didn't have a job! He was home to stop it! In weeks, I broke into hives and was hospitalized.

I had to find something physically easier.

In Sept 2024, yeah I'm on SSD. No, it pays nothing. Less than $1000/mo to cover all meds, doctor appointments, MRIs, transportation, etc. So less than medical alone costs. I get nothing else. My partner's job is in-person in FL and supports his health issues without a problem.

I eat every single day now.

My health is much worse, so I routinely freak out over how much food I wasted money on, only to not be able to make it or if I wasted precious money and energy making it, I can't eat it.

But I could eat every day. Without working in restaurants and "stealing" fries or pieces of leftover meat. Without relying on free tea and soup. If I don't eat all of something, I don't even have to think about the exact number of calories I got today and what I lose by not eating that thing. I can *even* just throw it away. Something I could not do for years.

I eat a sushi lunch special probably once a week now. Some of it is luxury. Some is because certain fish seems to be one of few things that doesn't make me bloat or itch, and I cannot stand the smell of cooked fish *at all.* Even if I don't/can't eat it in one sitting, I can finish it in a few hours or so. I still eat the soups and salads. I can eat miso soup again without having the "american college student reaction to ramen." My partner insists, even if we need to save the money.

My apartment is pretty nice now, actually. It's older than I am but inside, it's nice. I don't need to do flights of stairs now and the outdoor space is very green. I haven't worried about paying rent in a few years.

What a completely different life than 2014 or 2004.

Idk what the point of all this was. Except that I'm lucky. And I definitely couldn't forsee any of this, except how disabling the body was going to get. I didn't think we'd get this far.

Stay tuned y'all. Everything sucks and the world is on fire.

For right now, the lunch special is $17.

#lucky #florida

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hislittleraincloud · 5 months ago

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Flirting aside, your love for language is admirable. Makes me want to actually apply myself and learn more than English. Until then, google translate (though not nearly as reliable as understanding myself) is my friend.

Might try and take a few classes though, see if being able to speak or write in multiple languages gives me some of that charm you've got. But then again, maybe the charm is entirely your own? I mean, I gotta say, you're oddly... is there even a word for it? I guess the closest would be intriguing. Something to be proud of for someone I've never seen before.

I guess I can't just crush on you in your inbox and not sign off, huh? Especially if I plan to hopefully make you smile with these occasional asks in the future.

-😇 anon, if you haven't got one yet. (😇 because this is the most well behaved I've been in a minute, my self restraint really is umatched)

Am I supposed to be crushing on someone that only exists to me on Tumblr? I dunno.

Will I continue to do it anyway? Yes!

I have loved languages for as long as I could remember. My parents were hideously selfish and self-absorbed, so they didn't care to teach me Spanish (my grandmother's language) or Thai (my mother's language). Ask them why they didn't and they'll make up some excuse or blame it on me, misgendering me in the process ("[Tor] didn't want to learn" is more than likely something my father would say, and I can tell you that that was 1000000000% bullshit, because I loved learning Spanish from my grandmother, aunt, and Sesame Street). Learned plenty of dirty and swear words in Thai from my mother, though. 🙄

Yet I was forced and expected to learn French, Italian, and German on my fucking own at 11 years old bc we were moving to France (and would be visiting Italy, Germany, the Netherlands, Austria, Switzerland, and Spain...ETA: He didn have us learn any Dutch bc we didn't stay too long). Father handed me a pile of travel phrase books and told me to learn them (though in addition to the French, Italian, German, Spanish (for my mother again...always for her) phrase books I made him buy me a Romanian one, because I wanted to learn "Dracula's tongue" 💀 I was a weird ass child).

I took to French easily enough since it was the main one father had us focus on (and I even tagged along to my mother's classes...I did better than her, she got mad and stopped bringing me to them). Ma amavo la lingua italiana e oggi la amo ancora di più, anche se sono più brava in francese. I would much rather have lived in Italy than fricking France. It was about this time that I was also interested in Russian, since I had a huge crush on Maxmillian Schell from Peter the Great:

youtube

(You can tell what my tastes were even at 11 and 12 years old... 🫠)

But, Father said it would be too much/too difficult and we weren't going to Russia, so he didn't buy me any of those phrase books. 😓

I've collected several of my favorites in French, but I do have other non-English books as well (particularly the Potter books... I've got the whole series in French but am still collecting the Italian versions, as they were hard to find; I won't put $ in her pocket anymore, so anything I do pick up is second hand, and I have them because it's an easy way to refresh). I also have copies of Lolita in Russian and Hebrew. (Definitely not the same. The gorgeous English that Nabokov used does not necessarily translate well at all.)

Reading is how I learned. Reading the phrase books, then être jeté aux loups en France...et en Italie, en Allemagne, en Suisse, etc. Je devais survivre seule, comme je l'avais fait pendant 12 ans.

You could take a class, or you can start small on your own. Duolingo gets a bad rap, but if you're curious about a language other than English, Duo is a pretty cool toy to start out with. Bored out of my mind, I tried it out a little over ten years ago, starting with dansk. Jeg begyndte at lære dansk, men det var for nemt. At the same time (after zipping through the first few Danish lessons), I tried Irish and took to that somehow (and annoyed the Hell out of my ex, who still lived with me at the time, by speaking nothing but Irish to her...I wanted her gone since she was just using me for the cheap rent and never, ever cleaned up after herself or the dogs/cats that were hers). The speed of my lessons went by real quick bc I seemed to have a natural ability to figure out how a language works (shifting from SVO to VSO wasn't that hard for me...though I had/still have some confusion with SOV languages like Turkish, I still got by okay whilst in Istanbul).

But Duo is really just a starting point. There's also Memrise (which is okay...they recently cut off our access to 'community created courses' on the app...that means I can't refresh my Georgian Alphabet (გამარჯობაjo! LOL That's all I remember of that one, I'm trying to stick with the Latin Alphabet ones, though Russian and Ukrainian Cyrillic is 🔥 and I can read it) or any of the smaller languages that I found on there, I have to go to the website for that). Clozemaster is a really neat little tool too, and as far as I can see, they make up for the Memrise deficits with their rarer languages:

(Finished the easy reviews, but I have a lot to keep going on some of these, and I need to combine some Duo with this for the alphabets; I'm just a starter in Greek. I love Catalan** since it's the language of my ancestors, but I also love the other regional languages like Occitan and Piemontèis, and they're fairly easy if you already know French and Spanish. Yes, my streak is only a day on this bc I'm BUSY WRITING 😭 but normally I'll go in and play around if I'm bored. Euskara (Basque) can suck my ass, though. (ETA again: The Russian course does have sound, I must've had my sound down LOL) Oo! And the Clozemaster Italian course has dirty phrases. 👹 Lastly, one thing I rlly like about Cloze is its interface and sounds. It's all 8 bit and has 8 bit gaming sounds when you finish your section/review. VERY retro, A+++)

The great thing is that all of these are free, though Duo's free can be annoying if you lose a lot of hearts/make a lot of mistakes. All three are great aids, but if you're just picking up one language, a class is cool too. You can find language classes on YouTube, or on the Open Culture page that lists almost 50 free places where you can learn a language. I also suggest immersion in the language that you want to learn. Watch your favorite shows dubbed in it, so you can learn how to pronounce/inflect things correctly (and so you can have a good laugh at the bad voice actor casting that sometimes happens). Listen to the radio and read newspapers in your target lang. It's all FREE, young Jedi. Free knowledge for the taking. You just gotta pick it up.

I think if I weren't writing, I'd still be immersed in language sharpening/learning (and drawing, probably). I suppose that's part of what incensed me about Teacher Boy's shitty reblog, since the OP's post mentioned languages. One never stops learning about the world and its people/cultures. I may hate people (like Wednesday does), but I do like to know how they think/why. I'm also imperfect, so if/when I have mistakes in the written language part, it's probably me mixing up rules or forgetting accents/where they go.

Christ this is long. 🫠

The charm thing, well...

I'm just a writer. A weird one, who tends to be the first and only for many people and things. I sure wish I could share my other accomplishments here, but one of my bigger ones has my real name attached to it and through that I can get stalked (not afraid of you per se, but it would be really annoying if those who hate me harassed me...I have senior/elderly dogs that need their peace). I will say that the accomplishment I'm thinking of would change each and every 🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍⚧️ person on this Hellsite's perception of me, regardless of my writing.

Now it's my turn to be mysterious. 🌚

Hi. Hello. Bonjour. Bounjou. Cerea. Ciao. Hola. Bom dia. Hallo. Salut. Hej. HEI! прибет. Halò. Mora duit. გამარჯობაjo. Non lo so. Mi stai già impressionando con la tua eloquenza, ed è piacevole vedere questa positività nella mia Inbox. 🫴🏽🎀💕🫠✨

**ETA 2: Speaking of Catalan, something interesting popped up on my Google feed re: prenatal exposure to multiple languages: Babies in the womb exposed to two languages hear speech differently when born. Maybe I had an advantage, since my mother spoke English and Thai when I was in there.

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