#just a heads up im schizospec | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

r-pain · 10 months ago

Text

so i have schizotypal personality disorder and one of my closest friends unfortunately usually ends up being the target of my persecutory (?) delusions and other brain gunk, generally they get the brunt of my ire (in my head, at least. i do not express this to their face ever because i know im full of shit & care very much about not hurting them)

but my point in making this post is does anyone know if there's a word or label for this phenomenon? like for people who you care about and are close to but are for whatever reason consistently the person you're convinced is trying to ruin your life when you start to go into an episode? does anyone else with a personality disorder or psychosis or who is schizospec experience this? like is this just a me specific freak behavior or is there precedent for this

#schizospec #schizotypal #stpd #schizotypal personality disorder #cluster a #psychosis #personality disorders #help lol #paranoia #delusions #tagging everything relevant i can think of so maybe someone who knows something will see this #free to rb

13 notes · View notes

glitchdollmemoria · 2 years ago

Text

preemptive warning for discussion of violence, abuse, and sexual assault in the links ahead

one of the many frustrating parts of schizospec paranoia is that, when it comes to more realistic fears, it gets hard to tell whats The Mental Illness and whats actually justified, at least to a degree. people with schizospec disorders are more likely to be the victims of violence, with some estimates claiming those with schizophrenia are 14x more likely to be victims of violent crimes than they are to commit violent crimes and twice as likely as the general public to be victims of violent crimes, and people with "severe mental illnesses" overall have been repeatedly reported to be at a much higher risk of being the victim of violence.

when you account for other factors which can put an individual at further risk of violence and abuse - physical and intellectual disabilities, race, gender, sexuality, or religion for example - you can easily see that theres plenty of fuel for persecutory fears.

when you account for the fact that schizospec disorders, especially their paranoid symptoms, can be exacerbated and even partially caused by trauma such as being the victim of abuse, and the revictimization rate for victims of such mistreatment, even more fuel is clearly being added. schizospec symptoms can easily mesh with symptoms of ptsd, resulting in paranoid fears that are, to some degree, based in factual events in a persons life.

so, with the way schizospec disorders muddle up our thought processes, it becomes especially difficult to know whether our fears are based in any form of fact or not. i experience fears that people are obsessively attracted to me, because ive been mistreated by past partners and by those who i wasnt involved with like that but who still took their own feelings for me too far. its difficult for me to discern whether people are actually attracted to me, and wanting to harm me because of it, or if its all just my synapses misfiring. i simultaneously have a constant feeling that the people around me are scared of me or see me as less than a person, and are therefore planning on causing me immediate harm or working behind the scenes to ruin my life, but these fears draw on actual experiences of being told im scary or pitiful or lesser, having people actually make efforts to hurt me in one way or another, so on and so forth. i am not the only one experiencing this, im confident.

and then you factor in the fact that those of us with schizospec disorders are most often socially isolated to some degree - the dsm even lists social isolation and difficulty maintaining close relationships to be a symptom of schizotypal personality disorder, for one thing i remember off the top of my head. were seen as strange, unnerving, unnatural, our behaviors are abnormal, we dont connect with others the way we "should", we communicate in confusing ways. every day i feel as if i have an aura emanating off of me that other "normal" people can sense, that tells them im a threat. and so it becomes increasingly difficult for us to find support, for our symptoms, or for the aftermath of discrimination and violence. we often arent truly "people" in the eyes of non schizospecs, rather were psychos, crazies, potential killers. we become collateral damage, acceptable targets. and it becomes easy to brush off our concerns for our own safety, because its more convenient to chalk things up to us just being delusionally paranoid rather than putting in the effort to actually examine the situation and the facts of how dangerous life is for mentally ill people.

i know that my thinking is disorganized here, and im doing the "flowery language" thing because its a serious topic and its hard to put into more succinct terms than dancing around what im saying. so i hope that what im trying to say is actually coming across clearly. my point is that im tired of second guessing myself and never knowing whether my fears of persecution are based in fact or not, and im tired of the social isolation that comes with this shit. im tired of feeling like if anything happens to me its going to be brushed off as just symptoms and not a real problem that matters to anyone except me

EDIT 8/19/2023: because i got reminded of this old post, i want to add that since posting this ive realized i also have npd. usually i keep my npd talk to a side blog because im not super comfortable talking about my symptoms on main, but i do want to add the clarification that the paranoia i talk about in this post is ALSO very very heavily tied to my npd in addition to my being schizospec. and in a way that makes me feel even more vulnerable, because people with npd tend to be villainized and treated as if our problems are just exaggerations to get attention. so when you combine the stigma against both conditions... its fucking rough out here, idk what else to say.

42 notes · View notes

snapcracklepop-myjoints · 9 months ago

Text

#HONESTLY#i dont EVER bring up my anxiety and trauma if im getting a physical issue treated. it will be dismissed immediately

I had a doctor once ask my father to leave the room, then proceeded to tell me that my sore throat was all in my head, and I was making it up for attention -- because I was bipolar. I told him no, that wasnt the case, I was genuinely sick, and he rolled his eyes, said he would do a strep test "to make me feel better", did the test, and left. 20 minutes later he came back and told me the strep test came back positive. No apology, nothing.

This was for strep throat. I had similar things happen for much more important stuff that I dont want to get into. I'm in the middle of a very long process for a condition thats giving me progressive spinal cord damage, and all I can think about is that if I had "substance use disorder" on my medical record, how likely is it that I would just not have been listened to about this. If you have anxiety youre a "hypochondriac". If you're an addict you're "drug seeking". if you're bipolar or schizospec you're making it up, possibly for attention. This shit kills people. This isnt even getting into the inherently carceral nature of the psychiatric system in the US (and elsewhere)

Doctors are not, in fact, neutral figures that can be blindly trusted with any and all information, and pretending they are can literally get people killed. Abled people have GOT to do better.

I KNOW THE ORIGINAL QUOTE. This is about how people misquote it, as well as how they view the phrase as meaning "all medical professionals". ALSO! emts are not the neutral figures you think they are. please stop spewing your lack of understanding on the topic all over my tags, its embarrassing.

finally, THIS POST IS ABOUT DRUGS. FIRST AND FOREMOST IT IS ABOUT DRUGS. THIS WAS WRITTEN BY AN ADDICT. the way yall are talking about addicts and drugs users in the tags is so fucking dehumanising. you are part of the problem. Id suggest non addicts shut their traps please and thank you.

i wrote this in the notes of another post originally and am copy + pasting it here because im right but "tell the cops nothing, tell the doctors everything" is such a stupid ass fucking abled take. doctors engage in policing idk how to explain to yall that some people cannot in fact just tell doctors everything without it putting them at risk

like im not gonna go into the myriad of ways this is bs but like a quick example is i cant tell my doctors about my substance use issues because if i get that listed on my medical records it will actively endanger me. It will impact how I'm treated in emergency situations and will get me labeled as "drug seeking" when i try to get other issues dealt with.

i dont say this to scare people but because this is actually important information for people to have. if a medical professional claims this isnt an issue, they are NOT "one of the good ones". they are either straight up lying or theyre utterly unaware, which is frankly not better. doctors are cops. never forget it

like YES tell ur doctor abt being sexually active but stop saying "tell the cops nothing and the doctor everything" before i start killing in cold blood

#lmk if u want me to remove ur tags !#ceci says stuff #this is a doctor hate blog #<- tag both for sorting and because its true #disability

6K notes · View notes