#just a bit of venting but nothing negative just yearning

[tainted-sweet-meats]

You know what I miss........ Community. I really miss it. Back when I came online in 1998 (active in communities with my art in the 2000's on the dot) back when art forums, people having personal websites, and archives were a thing. You would think building a community, and finding folks who share similar interests would be hard considering the lack of social media. But it was so easy and so much fun to just babble about art in emails, talk ocs , world building and talking about art in general, what bands you were into, and what new DIY fashion you did to wear to school the next day. Simple times. I feel I took it for granted compared to what the internet is now with art. Hell how the internet treats artists. How it kinda makes it seems like we are just here to be consumed...like we aren't people behind a screen. I feel if it wasn't for the community that is tumblr I would not post socially beyond my website. There is something about tumblr that still has a glimmer of that artist community, communication, and more for me at least , that keeps me here compared to sites I have left. I still yearn for a dead past.. so many claim to want community but tend to only want stepping stones and its deathly sad to see it play out. So many claim to want old internet community and yet it was about participation for the hell of it. It was about commenting, sharing art with friends talking to the artist.. the artist talking back. ( of course we all have lives and not everyone has time) so minus that. Lets just think in when we have time yuh know. but man the yearning for that sense of community what an adrenaline rush it was....it inspired me to do art trades and random gift arts of peoples ocs..... I miss genuine artistic friendships. Where folks would ping me on msn and go hey pal look at this new thing I drew :') MISS IT sometimes I really really want to make a discord fostering that community, so god damn badly so folks have a place to relax away from social media and actually interact. Hell Id love it too. I mean if there is an interest for it Id make it since it would be nice....

[mavcancees]

Have you by any chance taken a look at r/dwt2 recently? I'd really like to hear your thoughts on the posts over there about Dream's interactions (or lack thereof) with the fanbse rn and the big content drought. I think you always have realistic outlooks on this stuff and it would definitely help some people on here that I know are trying not to feel too down about it. (100% /nf)

hello dashboard

this is the longest post i have ever written. remember, this is how i personally see things. you don't have to agree with all of it or at all. still, long as fuck. you have been warned

i do not use reddit and i especially don't visit spaces that are a vent melting pot. not something i want to encourage by giving it clicks

however it is a topic i do have thoughts on, of various kinds, so walk with me on this one. i believe the position is in right now is 1 - one he hates, 2 - one he was forced to be in and 3 - one he's too afraid to get out of

you can understand my second point easily, i don't think there's any argument about it. if it was up to him, the current state of his content would not be like this, not talking quality, but in the general lack of it. he had to reorganise his life around october 2022 to the point he considered quitting. that's not an easy thing, logistically an otherwise, and for dream out of all people to have even think about it, it must have been a tremendous feat to get out of that spot mentally. then he could not make usmp happen. dealing with the hate. gumball. releasing the video. these aren't things that he could predict, and did shape the timeline of content release

i don't want to say i feel a bitterness about it from him, because he's not a bitter person. but when he talks about the things that weren't, i do feel that sad yearn, the-one-that-got-away-esque vibe in the conversation. which is completely understandable, because those are his projects he put time thought money and love in. and then he gets the carpet pulled, and now we're here. i feel people forget that a bit you feel sad about all the content, imagine him. we knew about usmp for tops 3 or 4 days, he had been working on it for months. empathise with him a bit and understand this is not a place he wants to be in either

my general "critique" of him regarding the situation is the third point. i say fear, i don't exactly know if that's what it is, and just as above, i understand why it would exist yes, obviously the face reveal and meeting fans and having the parasocialism hit you in the face changes a lot. i understand, say, walking back from his "Stans" video, i understand walking back on the nsfw, i get those things. but we're a bit past that point now, where denouncing that parasocialism is turning into what i see as becoming the cc he has said he doesn't want to be

and i say this as someone that has been around for a WHILE. he has in the past spoken negatively about the path he is taking. the cc that's removed from his audience, the famous guy that has all his accounts managed, the creator with the over scripted, over hyped, removed of all spontaneous dynamic content that ends up either underdelivering, or not delivering at all. ( note here, i don't think dream will ever underdeliver. not in his dna. simply describing that general persona )

he's not there yet, at all, but he's edging close enough where people are starting to feel uneasy about it. some quietly, some in an understanding tone, others demanding and demeaning. and i feel at every step of walking down this figurative path, my first and second points ring very loudly. he doesn't really want this, he never asked for any of this. he has been forced into this position. but now he's on this weird stasis chamber of sorts, not fully in it but also doing nothing to get out ? i see the absolute love he has for music. i see how much he loves minecraft, and his fans, and the weirdness of it all. but he's alienating himself from it and not particularly putting up any sort of fight. not even raising his voice. nothing at all

no snapchats no tweets no likes no replies no streaming no casual popping into a friend's stream. and i am happy for him ! let me make that super clear ! taking time for himself, chilling, doing things in private. i'm glad he has that space now, and he's enjoying a life he very much could not have for years

but the very overwhelming, and genuinely new type of quiet makes that uneasiness i mentioned before grow exponentially. this isn't a quiet we're used to, and i have been through many. i am personally fine with it, i am not the one to demand content, i can simply do something else. but it does worry me he's kind of just taking the punches, and is taking them so much to heart he has removed himself this much from the public, in a seemingly unnecessary fashion. and here's the real issue for me on that third point, and where that worry comes from, and maybe in part curiosity ?

he's sure of what he's doing. at least it appears that way. i don't see all the puzzle pieces, and i am concerned at the picture they paint. is he scared ? is he tired ? is he waiting it out even more ? should i be concerned ? is that maybe too parasocial, or am i just so put off by the change of scenery and the lack of explanation for some of these changes ( like i said, i understand some, but others seem out of left field ) , it that it makes me reasonably worried

still. i get it

i criticize some of it, because yeah, i am selfish, i want the content creator that i have been following for five years to be, at least in part, the one i subscribed to. i want some content, any content, at all

i also understand the road to here was not the one neither of us expected it to be, and it changed him more than it changed me

i am a passive onlooker of his life, and i have no right to make demands to what he gives me access to. i only can complain as much as it is appropriate, which is vocalising my feelings of missing him, because he has given me a piece, and now i don't quite get why it's gone. previously he would have told us why, now it's dead lining

but it's his life. it's his time. it's his piece. and it's his choice. he can do with it as he pleases. i can be unhappy. i can have issues with it, i can worry. i can demand explanations. i am not entitled an answer. the second people understand that last part, they will have a much better time dealing with the quiet

i miss him, i really do. i understand why he's gone. i don't approve of how far he's taking it. but that doesn't fucking matter, because whatever the reasoning is, if he is doing it this way, it's for a reason that's enough to him. and i'd say, we have to trust him with his own life

[clockwork-wonderland404]

The Heaviest Blue

TW/ su*cide attempt

Bit of a vent fic Consider reading it on my Ao3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/48564028

Ship: Aoba Tsumugi/Harukawa Sora/Sakasaki Natsume (Romantic or platonic, can be read as either)

Word Count: 1275

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One wrong move after another, not a single one right. Whatever he did, it became worse, worse, worse, until he was afraid to act.

Taking up agency, just one last time, for one more move, surely, this will be the one. The only one that's right.

Surely…

The kind breeze that tickled his cheeks oh so soothingly was perhaps a good sign, the universe showing him his decision is indeed right.

Such a gentle touch. One he so desperately craved but never got.

As he looked up at the night sky above, the stars all shining just for him, he took off his glasses and placed them carefully on the ground. It was an expensive pair, destroying it would be such a waste.

People say it's an impulsive act. But there was no rush in his movements. He enjoyed the gentle noises of the night and the twinkling lights above as he leaned against the railing. A peaceful moment for someone yearning for peace of mind.

Only one thing snapped him out of his trance, which was rushed footsteps, getting ever louder, approaching him.

The calculated, peaceful moment shifted into panic and impulse as he sat up on the railing, fumbling not to accidentally step on his glasses for just long enough for...

For him to be too slow.

He let himself be yanked off by the arm without any resistance. He didn't fight, he never did. For his own good, anyway.

Or it could've been not what he truly desired after all.

Because what he did instead of fighting toward the edge, was sink into the arms of his savior. Melt into the warmth of the embrace. Because it was so warm.

The cold that surrounded him before was melted away.

Even so, the other's grip wasn't gentle. It was desperate. Holding on as tight as it was physically possible.

Both were trembling.

There was no person calm at this moment.

Yet the embrace was still warm.

It was Tsumugi's hand that moved first. Up and down, in a steady motion, caressing Sora's back.

In response to that, Sora gripped tighter. "Senpai, what.." He tried to form a coherent sentence, but in such a scene, there was no place for words.

"Shh... I'm sorry, Sora-kun." And despite the one being on the edge just a moment ago, Tsumugi continued his soft caresses as if there was nothing wrong in the world.

Of course, how badly he was shaking had betrayed that image in an instant.

"Se... Senpai.." Sora lifted his head just enough to be able to look at him, eyes sparkling, who knew if from the reflection of the stars or the tears pooling, but their shine was such a sorrowful one.

The colors that swirled around Tsumugi were suffocating, a feeling so heavy, Sora could barely breathe. He'd never be able to describe it with words. Sorrow wasn't enough. Pain wasn't enough. In no combination would they be enough.

Still, he smiled. Tsumugi continued to smile and cupped Sora's cheek to wipe away the tears that slipped from his eyes. "It's okay now, Sora-kun. I won't do it again."

"Then… then why are Senpai's colors still so sad?!" The gentle boy raised his voice, both hands grasping onto Tsumugi's shirt as a soft sob left his lips. "Stop! Don't smile, Senpai! Don't smile when it's so painful! How can... How can Senpai say it's... It can't be okay! Sora almost... Switch almost.." As his initial wave of emotion faded, his voice quieted down once more. Overtaken by the negative aura all around, he lost control of his own feelings for just a couple of moments.

"Senpai still has the colors of farewell…"

Sora let out a sigh. A word attached to that horrible weight, it allowed him to breathe just a tiny bit easier.

"Sora… Sora really.. Really…" With another wave of tears, he couldn't look at Tsumugi, he tried to hide from the sight on his shoulder and in his arms. "Really hates that color!"

No matter the emotions attached, every color had its own beauty. A reason for their existence. But this… This color almost took Tsumugi away from him. It served no purpose other than to hurt. And though Sora vowed to find the beauty in every single shade he may encounter, this one he could not forgive.

"SorA!"

Both people flinched at the new voice, accompanied by footsteps just as hurried as the ones before.

"Senpai, what have you done to him? Why is he cryiNG?"

Harsh as ever, Sora was quick to shut him down this time. "Shisho~ Be kind to Senpai, okay?"

Sora's words caused Natsume to pause and observe the scene before him just a little better.

The glasses on the ground, in front of the railing, the way Tsumugi's entire body shook, the pale complexion of his, and most importantly…that absent gaze. Clouded, gray.

He wasn't dumb. He could put two and two together.

But by God, he wished he could have remained ignorant this time.

Because the pain that pinched his chest was unbearable.

"YoU- What have you tried tO-" Dropping to his knees beside the two of them. "IdiOT!" Hitting Tsumugi on the arm first, then pulling them both into his arms second. "I've never met someone so duMB…"

"Shisho-"

"We need you, alright? So tell your stupid head to finally shut up."

"Natsume-kun, Switch can-"

"Switch is the three of uS. Remember thAT. Rely on us."

Instead of trying to say anything, Tsumugi wanted to believe. Just once. Believe those words. And melt into Natsume's arms. With his head laid gently on his chest, with his heartbeat singing right under his ear. His shaking has stopped. The fog over his gaze had lifted. And…

"It's brighter…"

"Hm? What's brightER?"

"Senpai's colors… Sora doesn't feel so overwhelmed anymore."

"What else can Senpai's color teLL?"

"That he feels safe… It's a calm shade of blue.."

Tsumugi chose not to comment. He tried to tune out the world. To get lost in these comforting feelings. Warmer and gentler than the call of the abyss had been.

Instinctively, Natsume began to brush his fingers softly through his hair and even went as far as to give him a kiss on the head. "We love you…" he mumbled, just audible enough to reach Tsumugi's ears.

Time has passed. Nobody knew how long. The embrace of the three lasted until Tsumugi's breathing regulated. His body stopped trembling completely and his eyes regained their sparkle.

Only then did Natsume pull back, but just enough to reach for his glasses and place them on for him. "Now you can come with us and see the TV screEN. We're going to play gamES."

Tsumugi couldn't help but nuzzle against Natsume's fingers as they brushed along his jawline with the motion he put the glasses on. It was the gentleness he craved. And it was enough.

Getting up, he just whispered a soft "Thank you." Without any elaboration. It held everything inside. Thank you for saving my life. Thank you for being by my side. Thank you for loving me. Words that would uselessly pollute such a beautiful moment when they can be expressed so simply.

"SurE. Come on nOW." Taking hold of his hand, Natsume dragged him along.

Sora lagged behind just enough, to observe. Observe as the colors around shifted. That one horrid color didn't disappear. It couldn't. Not so easily. But it did blend away into a beautiful mixture of blues and purples as his two seniors chatted along the way.

Though it may never disappear, perhaps it will continue to be overpowered by such beautiful shades.

[onlyswan]

hello! tulip anonie came back from the dead 🪦

i’ve just been catching up on your posts and why am i seeing people saying you’re leaving?!? 😭 but i’m so glad you clarified that you just need a break and i’m so sorry you have to go through that my love ♡ i just want to say if you really need a break then take it. you don’t have to write anything, and you don’t owe anyone anything. i think sometimes a slump is what we need to make us feel the yearning to do something that we love again because we’ll miss it eventually.

i guess may was a rough month for everyone. take your time to do selfcare for a whole week because may was an ass and i -too- wanna kick it in the butt for being the toughest and longest month so far. i know the ‘lack’ of interaction / appreciation for your writings lately can be discouraging and i totally get that. like sometimes it can feel as if a negative comment would be better than nothing, because at least ‘someone is acknowledging something that i made’. but i’m so happy so many people came to give you the love and support and it proves that you’re so loved and appreciated because your works really helped people to find comfort and have a peaceful time even just for 10 minutes of their (mine too) 24 hour long and tiring day.

oooh… and i want to tell you about a bit of my life lately… remember that i was going to yoongi’s concert and it was my first ever concert and you told me to forget everything except my ticket and powerbank? yea… my powerbank broke and i had to borrow this lovely lady’s 💀 i got a vip soundcheck and practically a barricade 🥹 i still can’t believe i got to see 1 of 7 of them right in front of my eyes 😭 i had so much fun and as an introvert -i hate crowded places so much and meeting so many people makes me anxious- i never thought i’d love concert as much as i did! but i’ll give it to yoongi and the lovely people i met, army 🫶🏻 because they’re the nicest people on earth istg. talking with armies online is so nice, but meeting so much of them in real life was soooo much better. the whole time i saw them, my brain just went “wow… we really love the same person / band huh. the tannies are so loved. i love it here”. speaking of concert… i got tickets for coldplay too! 😭praying that they will perform my univers live 🕯️🪐✨

and here we are in june! let’s have fun with tannies because it’s our month! i started this month still with a neverending college final project *booing and throwing tomatoes*. but i’m so happy because i finally found the type of pencil i’ve been searching for soooo long that i got out of my year long drawing slump… and i’ve been practicing again with drawing jungkook’s nose because i love it so much and i wanna *boop* it. and as i was sketching, i was watching the festa livestreams the whole day. a therapeutic experience :’] i miss them soooo much ❤️‍🩹

as i’m writing this, i’m eating unripe mangoes with salt and chili. reminds me of that drabble where jungkook, his abs, and oc went on a beach vacation ♡ OH! and the latest drabble!! i wanna be loved that way sooooo bad 🥲 and so steamy😮‍💨 and the bathtub scene… oh artemis i love how you can always always make the most out of the very intimate places in the house of lovers… the kitchen, the bedroom, and the bathroom. EVEN THE WALK IN CLOSET FFS. it’s just how good you are with what you do and you use your heart to dictate the words to your fingers.

buuut how are you feeling now? how are you doing? you can vent if you want to, i’m all ears! i hope good things happen ♡ have a great day artemis!

-🌷

hello my tulip anonie! i missed you so much! aghhh you got to see yoongi so close?!?!? i’m so happy 🥹 you deserve it so much !!!! 🥹 and thank god the lovely lady let you borrow their powerbank lmaooo. so nice to hear you had a wonderful experience at your first concert :") hopefully it’s the same for the next one too! coldplay is amazing!

and omg you draw??? you’re so cool <3 jungkook’s nose is my favorite nose ever if i was an artist i’d totally spend all my time practicing how to draw it. hehe

stop now i’m craving for mangoes 🫢 and maybe a jungkook. the latest drabble!! the bathtub scene… rips me to shreds when i think about it until now tbh. every room, no matter how small, can hold an eternity of memories 🥺 i guess is what i’m trying to say.

thank you so much for your understanding and endless love my beloved <3 life has just not been very kind, like everything that can go wrong is going wrong? i’m ok with challenges, but maybe only one at a time? 🤣 but you’re right! hopefully june will be a better month. with festa and pride month, i think we deserve that much !! hopefully i get to finish the next drabble soon too, which actually been helping me release my heartache little by little <3 i hope you have an amazing week my love! ☁️

[mcyt-amber-tftsmp]

ˏˋ°•*⁀➷ 𝐑𝐚𝐧𝐛𝐨𝐛 𝐀𝐧𝐠𝐬𝐭 𝐀𝐥𝐩𝐡𝐚𝐛𝐞𝐭

A— Abnormal (what makes them different?)

What makes Ranbob different from you is that fact that you are human while he is not. He is a literal semi-half enderman while he he is also a semi-half unknown hybrid. He finds himself pretty dangerous to you since he thinks that one day he will harm you in some way and it's just gonna make him fill up with so much guilt.

B— Bad Habits (what bad habits do they have?)

Ranbob has a bad habit of scratching his arms which results in many new scars and sometimes he would actually scratch so much that it will start bleeding. This would actually worry you a lot about him thinking why he does it but you do know it pains him a lot and would help him patch it up.

C— Crying (what makes them cry?)

The only thing that makes Ranbob cry is when he has nightmares about you dying in different ways which could either be by his own hands or by something or someone else. This does cause him to wake up with a jolt and there was a time when he accidentally woke you up by jolting too much from a nightmare and this made you worried and comforted him.

D— Death (How do they die? With family or alone? How does their partner find out?)

Ranbob's death was basically a cause of his enderwalk state which he couldn't control and he was slightly out of control but one side of him was fighting to escape it and the only way was to kill himself off which you didn't want but you had to let it happen. It would be a pretty selfish act for him considering he will be leaving you but the one thing he will know is that you are safe and that's what matters the most but you wouldn't even leave his dead body and just continue crying in place.

E— Emotion (what's the emotion they tend to push away the most?)

Ranbob tends to push away his fears the most. He doesn't want you to worry and there are times when he would let fear come back to him and he hates showing it a lot in front of you but you keep telling him not to considering we all fear something but Ranbob has his reasons.

F— Frustrated (how much would it take to push them off the edge?)

If you annoy Ranbob when he's not having a good day to the point he breaks, he will lash out completely and would attack without thinking and when he sees you hurt his anger will wash away and get replaced with fear and regret and would apologize so many times that he would just start crying.

G— Gullible (who are they most gullible to and why?)

Himself. Ranbob has changed for the better because of you and he thinks he can just let go off his past mistakes and move on. But that's where he is wrong considering he has voices sometimes saying negative things and reminding him off his past wrong doings. He knows he did those things and he has no excuse for it. He hates himself for this.

H— Humiliation (someone says something humiliating about them)

"Freak!"

He basically knew that it was directed at him but he looked like he didn't care on the outside but on the inside he was slightly hurt. He doesn't show it. You on the other hand who was with him and heard someone yell this out to him were not having it and gave out a snarky reply to the man that legit shut him up. Ranbob's happy that you stood up for him but deep down he's still hurt and you can tell he is behind that indifferent expression.

I— Insecure (what are their insecurities?)

How he looks. Honestly he looks like he doesn't care but his insecurities have a way of crawling back to him about how he looks. I mean he is slightly scary at first which he isn't a fan of but he's actually a nice guy once you get to know him but it's still a thing for him which he can't let go at all.

J— Jealous (what makes them feel jealous?)

When someone flirts with you. He will literally glare down at the person by holding your waist and standing behind you while he looks at the person flirting dead in the eye and he is like a few seconds away from killing them too if they don't hurry up and run.

K— Knife (how do they feel about hurting others?)

Ranbob used to hurt whoever came to Mizu cause he did kill a lot of people who previously came before you did. Now he just doesn't like it but there are times when he looks at a sword he gets weird hallucinations of it being slightly covered in blood and it will really throw him off and make him drop it before picking it up later on.

L— Love (who was their first love? Was it returned? How did it end?)

Well his first and last love would be you and yes it was returned and you guys are still in a relationship with each other. Ranbob loves you dearly but fears he will hurt you. You love him a lot more than he knows.

M— Mindfulness (what calms them down when they're feeling anxious or depressed?)

When Ranbob holds onto you or when you hug him, all his anxiousness goes away and it also helps him come from his depressive episodes. Usually it would sometimes be the other way but it also come in this way too.

N— Nightmare (do they have them? How often? What's their reaction, and what are they about?)

Ranbob has nightmares most of the time but not all the time and they would mostly be about you either leaving him or dying in his hands or some other way and he always jolts awake with small tears forming in his eyes and would look around to see that you are safe and not harmed and that's what calms him down but he is slightly scared to fall asleep again but he does anyways with zero nightmares.

O— Obsess (what they're obsessed with that you might judge them for? What's their "weird" obsession?)

The fact that Ranbob legitimately looks up to Dream and that Dream is his idol he just thinks that the way he worships him may weird you out but you don't find it weird at all but he just thinks otherwise without your knowledge. I wouldn't say he's obsessed but it looks like it in front of other people.

P—Pressure (what stresses them out to the breaking point?)

Blood happens to stress him out to his breaking point cause it always reminds him of how he killed people with no mercy and it just makes him lose it sometimes that he would break down at times with his negative voices throwing in things altogether.

Q— Quirks (what's one of their quirks they consider a flaw that you like?)

Sometimes Ranbob feels like having heterochromia is a flaw considering not many people have them and the fact that's it's pretty uncommon but you seem to love them and would always find them pretty which would make Ranbob smile knowing you love them and he tries to like them too.

R— Repressed (what memories do they repress or they wish they could forget?)

Ranbob wants to forget his wrong doings from the past where he killed off the many people that came down here but it just seems to come crawling back to him and he hates it and just wants it gone for good.

S— Sorrow (would they feel empty after the death of a loved one?)

Ranbob would completely shut down after he sees you die in front of him. He would just cry for hours and would blame himself for not being able to help your nor protect you at all and the guilt happens to increase and eats him up bad.

T— Time (what if they had a limited time to live?)

Ranbob would make the most out of it by being with you. He would do anything in his power to do the things you love and go on out for walks and other things you both love doing together. He would hate to leave you alone when his time is up and you would just be felling empty without him.

U— Umbrage (what pisses them off? What offends them?)

What pisses him off the most is when people flirt with you cause it makes him jealous and would be on the verge of killing them. At this point nothing offends him but if someone says something offensive about him, he won't hesitate to bring out that netherite sword and scare the person off.

V— Vent (how do they let things out after a bad day?)

When it comes to venting out things after a bad day, Ranbob would stay away from you as far as possible so he doesn't hurt you at all considering the way he lets out his anger is by punching things like the wall or sometimes throwing something which won't break. It does scare you a bit but you would cautiously come up to him and hug him to make him calm down which works well.

W— Weakness (what is their personal weakness?)

Ranbob's weakness would be you but not in a bad way or anything. If something were to happen to you, he would become pretty vulnerable. He would do anything in his power to protect you even if it meant sacrificing himself in order to do that.

X— X-Double-Minus (random sad headcanon)

One time, Ranbob was venting out his anger like a lot like he usually does but this time it was a bit too much. You on the other hand tried to calm him down but he was slightly blinded with anger that he accidentally pushed you away by clawing your cheek made you fall backwards on the floor slightly hard but not so much. Ranbob's anger immediately washed away once he saw what he did and all that got replaced with fear, regret and guilt which cause him to apologize so many times and a panic attack. You came up to him and hugged him to calm him down and tell him that it's alright and that you know he never meant it which slightly helps.

Y— Yearn (what is one thing they want that they know they can't have?)

The one thing Ranbob wants is to reverse time and fix his mistakes but he knows that it's impossible and he has to live with the amount of guilt and regret he has with him. But he knows he has you that will help him along the way.

Z— Zoophobia (is there any animal/bug/creature that scares them?)

Ranbob is legitimately an enderman hybrid and what bugs do endermen despise or gets scared off? The answer is endermites. He's not a huge fan of them in general and is kind of glad that they don't exist anywhere near him cause if it did he would lose it.

[seanpenaaaaaaaaaaaaaa]

Pretentious.

Man, was I such a pretentious person waaaaay back when. But whatever, how about another one for good times’ sake?

Seems like I’m back again huh? Really thought the last one was the last one. The difference this time is that you’re no longer venting feelings. The circumstances are different now. Well, for the most part anyway. But that’s a story for another post or maybe at the end of this one. 

Geez, I can already tell I’m gonna be all over the place with this one. I can’t even decide if I’m gonna talk in first or third person.

Anyways, I’m finally feeling content with the actions that I’ve made. Albeit all of it was recent, I still think that the steps I’ve been taking are helping me improve myself. I no longer have such strong emotions that drive me full of thoughts that I feel like I should bottle up and spill all over in a post in tumblr. Sure things aren’t as good as they could’ve been had I just made certain choices or taken more opportunities earlier in my life, but you live and let go I guess. There’s some areas that I should improve on though. Like I don’t know, the fact that you’re so socially awkward and inept that you can’t get a girlfriend even if they were right in front of you? Maybe I need to let down my ego just a little bit and stop being afraid of a few things in life.

I keep writing you so I’m just gonna switch to third lmao.

Before you get too down on yourself, let’s switch to another topic. YOUR SCHOOL?!?!? Get off your ass and study. I know you seem confident that with proper studying habits, you’ll be able to pass that test but habits are only good if you DO THEM.This test is probably the single most important test you’ll take for the foreseeable future and yet you’re sitting here reminiscing about a past that you even started to participate in again. Well to be fair, you’re just trying to get your thoughts back together so that maybe when you read them laid out in front of you some goals will finally be conceived. But please study, your future not only for the next 3 years are on the line, but possibly your whole life! You’re literally staying up until 4:30 am typing this when you should be establishing a proper sleep schedule. So please get your shit together before we both lose this opportunity to create a stable life that will allow you to finally find the success that you have been yearning for.

Well whatever, I’m just glad you’re at least stepping out and trying to do something with your life. I’m proud of you you know that? Before you’ve set goals and you never really tried to reach them but rather just hoped that they fall right onto your lap. Sure there are some things that you would’ve loved to stay with you. Things like your personality, generosity, or straight up just selflessness. But things are different now and people change. Some people change for better and some for worse. The difference is the circumstances in which they were forced by. Your circumstance was a positive one. Take advantage of that. You need to take this opportunity to propel yourself to greatness and be satisfied with nothing less.

Lastly, please try not to be so damn awkward. I know you’ve been trying to talk to people and that you’ve even made some more friends. But try to talk to strangers and get used the that uncomfortable feeling because not everything is going to be a breeze. 

Another long post huh? I guess it was deserving due to the fact that it has been a while and so many changes has happened. I still do think that there are some residual feelings from the past but they no longer affect you negatively. They’re just merely memories that you kind of cringe at every once in a while. But you more or less have moved on. Well maybe except for that part where you have MAJOR trust issues and can never seem to let that go. 

Hopefully the next time you read this you finally have moved towards a goal that you set and just as happy, if not a little happier than when you typed this up. 

Most importantly, welcome back.

[teejaydeetrip]

WE LOVE HATE. WE HATE LOVE. WE LOVE LOVE. WE HATE HATE.

For the first time in my entire life, I’ve been really happy lately. I woke up one day, a month ago, and had one of my good days, after dealing with a situation that would usually fuck me up really bad. In a nut shell; I tried to kiss a girl I liked and it didn’t work out but I tried this weird total honesty thing and it was the right person at the right time to make me walk away feeling good and ok about rejection. We still talk.  Instead of just coasting on that good feeling and trying to enjoy my day, I got into D O I N G T H I N G S. I got more involved with a lovely group of activists and together, we helped make a small difference by putting on a big event.  I thought more about girls, because I’m a hopeless romantic who happens to be romantically hopeless. I addressed, internally, some unresolved issues with the way I treated myself and how I reacted to love and sex and admiration and the necessary distinctions between them that I’ve always felt #normalpeople are supposed to have.  I stopped caring so much about the alienation I have felt for a long time from lots of my real friends and embraced the appreciation and love I got from -of all fucking places- a shitposting meme group. The group is a whole other story that deserves it’s own entry so I won’t get into that. But they are literally always there to listen and to listen to and it’s fantastic.

I stepped up my game at the bar I work at and drastically reduced my alcohol intake. 

I started an instagram blog thingy with a friend, and we make stupid, fun, experimental cocktails based on music we love. It’s a weird contradiction to the aforementioned addressing of my alcoholism, whilst embracing a small part of it and using it for good.  I started writing fiction again, and for the first time ever, I truly genuinely love what I’m creating. It’s fucking brilliant. I take pride in that and I can’t wait to show people.  I’ve been putting on some cool little events. They haven’t been successful, but between them, and a few random friends reccomendations, I’ve been llistening, like really listening, to music again. New music. Exciting music. Music is doing that thing to me again where I get little goosebumps sometimes and I scream lyrics out loud while walking around the house. I’m also writing music, which is weird and cool.  But. All this stuff. Has resulted in a severe lack of sleep and a severe lack of proper eating habits. I don’t have the time to sleep or eat, because I’m busy creating. Henry Rollins did this bit once about how the moment he stops working on something, ANYTHING, he just starts negging on himself.  Lots of my friends told me I would burn myself out real quick. But why would I stop, and how can I stop? If I stop, for even one fucking second, I fear I will fall back into nothingness. I need to keep going. But it is killing me and I am feeling it. The burnout is real. How I wish I had the resources Henry does.

The last few weeks have been fuelled by a genuine love for life. And last night, after a little argument with my boss -who I now know see’s me as an incompetent nobody despite all the extra work I put in- the fuse blew. I was fuelled by hate again. I used to thrive on it. And look where that got me? Doing nothing forever. The Anti-Henry. An Ouroboros of hate. I spent my entire walk home from work -my zen time, my singing time- fantasising about accidentally running into two specific people from my past. Either one of them would do. These two people were once good friends, and it turned out they were using me, and they sucked me dry and destroyed my life. I thought about how good it would feel to have them run into me and try to attack me; which they certainly would do if our paths ever crossed.  I thought about S**** or C*** king hitting me in the face and how, yeah, I could probably  take it. I could laugh it off. But what if my laptop broke in the process? Or my phone? What would I do? All my hard work is on these little patchworks of steel and plastic. Maybe if they broke my shit, I would chase them down, I thought. I don’t care how small or weak I am. I would chase them down and I would fucking annihilate them with my fists and my feet and my teeth and my voice and my rage. I would chew the flesh from their fucking faces and pull their teeth out one by one with my fucking fingers and it would feel so goddamn good. I know none of this is real. I know I would never do that. I would go home nursing my broken laptop and never find my “novel” again because I can’t afford a data recovery service. I know I would never do it because it would ruin my life. You don’t live on the razors edge of mental instability like this and truly think you would last a week in a prison or a mental institution. I know I would never do it because as much as I yearn for The Apocalypse, I’m a pacifist and I like seeing people healthy and happy. I woke up feeling like shit today. Because those kinds of thoughts, and the fact that I can think them, they scare me. I want to put it down to primal human nature, but it feels more like narcissistic toxic macho culture or some bullshit.  While I’ve spent the last few weeks fuelled by a love for life and shit, I have still felt hate, and anger and resentment and sadness, but it’s been worth it. The cycle was broken, and a balance was formed, and there was some parts of life worth living. I didn’t think about how sometimes I secretly want other people to hurt as much as I do. People want to talk to me. I refuse to believe them, but lots of people keep telling me I’m actually really great. Which is really nice.  Today, I’m typing this fucking nonsense because I hope it will help me vent my shit. I want to nap. It is way too early for me to be awake. I hope that when I wake up, I can find that perfect balance of hate and love again. Just, y’know, allocate them to the appropriate parts of my mind. I’m gonna nap.  And when I do wake up, I’m gonna smoke a cigarette and if I can, maybe work on that writing. I might even try and believe I am a person of worth. But maybe that’s just wishful thinking. Or narcissism. Or maybe it’s deserved. You can’t not give equal opportunity to any possibility and still have a nap and hope for the best. I feel like that would most certainly be ignorant and antithetical.

[draconicprcvidence]

The Princess’s Scars, the Dragon’s Aching Heart

@rcsesthcrns Hopefully you like it :D

 Scarlet’s chest heaved as she rushed down every street of Windmire, a letter clutched in her hand. The Dragon Lord had searched the castle, the capital’s hidden market, made a return trip to the castle once more and was now sprinting as fast as her human form could possibly carry her. All of this rushing and hurrying was because Camilla and Elise were missing. 

 Anger and heartache swirled and danced in her mind and heart as she searched every corner shop and alleyway the dragon found. The magic of her heritage was ablaze her irises while tears threatened to start streaming. Embers were let loose with every pant and though Scarlet was tired, she couldn’t bring herself to stop. Every time she was ready to take a break rereading the Princess’s goodbye letter encouraged her to keep going. Camilla had left. She was finally tired of all the suffering and agony. Tired of the way she was being used and abused. The fact she could do nothing to mend the heart of the first human she’d come to love in centuries angered Scarlet to no end. The Dragon Lord was angry with herself as well as Camilla.

 There was little time to wallow in the pain the dragoness felt though as she wasn’t the only one searching for the missing princesses. What soldiers that were worth expending for this search were sent out and much like Scarlet they were looking in every building and alley. She hadn’t considered their involvement to be much different than the ones who were searching for the King’s daughter during the War of Scales. For the first time since dawn the frantic woman paused in her hunting as she overheard a conversation that only rattled her more.

 “Word from higher up is that the King’s been convinced that this is treason.” One soldier in a nearby alleyway remarked.

 “Really? I don’t see Princess Camilla as woman who’d betray Nohr.” The other asked in surprise.

 “Neither do I, but the orders are to detain her by force if necessary.”

 “That seems a bit harsh.”

“I know.”

 Though they were reluctant very few in Nohr didn’t fear King Garon. They were considered brave, foolish, or both. In Scarlet’s case it was prejudice and malice that made her unwavering in the distrust she had for the man. This situation pushed Scarlet over the edge. It wasn’t enough that she transformed into a dragon, but she went as far as shifting to her true form while wrapped in a blazing fire.

Her destruction called many soldiers to her attention. Some fled, others watched in awe, but the brave fought. Fought for the protection of their home, the innocent or simply because a threat had appeared. The dragon had snapped. Losing Camilla in the span of the night, her broken heart from the letter, feeling abandoned and alone after allowing herself to yearn for another. A web of negative emotions was being spun and it got larger by the second. This maddening heartache brought pain and death to soldiers and citizens alike and Scarlet had given no quarter in her rampaging. One thing made her hesitate; the only thing that could. Between the beginning of her destruction and the current time Xander and Leo had made their way to the scene. It was their arrival that made her realize that she didn’t even know how much time had passed since the conversation was heard and now.

All that I could hear was my own voice ushering for them to die. Scarlet thought to herself. It was feeling so good to kill them all again. To eradicate their filthy race. Just when I started to love again... Now it’s been ripped away by that very person once again!

 Her mounting anguish forced Scarlet to let out a powerful, ear-splitting roar to vent out the pain. Though they could understand the cause, the Princes’ hands were tied.  Even the Dragon Lord understood what the pair were here for and why. Just like with Camilla leaving Scarlet could only seem to blame herself only this time it was rightfully placed.

“Why... Why did you leave? Why didn’t you let me go with you!?” Scarlet shouted. “Am I this expenda-” The dragon cut herself off. Neither her feelings nor her pride would let that word be finished. “Kill me.” She demanded of the Princes. “I’ve been alone and abandoned far too many times. I’ve been cut far too deep this particular time. I can never love your kind. You’re selfish, entitled, greedy destructive and pay little respect to any other life around you. None of this would’ve ever happened if humans weren’t such detestable beasts.” Despite her words, only pain could be found in her tone.

 I’m sorry Camilla... I love you, I’m sorry. Please forgive me.

 Such were her last thoughts before Scarlet took a human form. It’d be easier for them to mortally wound her like this. With a tearful expression the Dragon Lord greeted her public execution. Thus the rampaging dragon had been slain.