#june was super excited and nervous and glad to get to ride again

[dungeons-and-dragon-age]

falling in love with the first horse she mounts in 10 years? more likely than you think!

[danetobelieve]

Weeb Night Two Electric Boogaloo || Rio, Skylar and Winston

Location: Nic & Skylar’s Home

Timing: the evening of the 17th of June

Tagging: @3starsquinn​, @theskyeandsea​ & @danetobelieve​

Description: The gang has weeb night two, Rio and Winston get progressively more awkward as the night goes on. 

Warnings: N/A

Winston would say that uncomfortable was an understatement. It wasn’t that they regretted kissing Orion. Quite the opposite. If anything they wished that they had been able to keep kissing him. But things hadn’t gone that way and Orion had gone in search of a toilet and Winston feeling supremely awkward and slightly rejected had ghosted. Probably not the best move but in their defence they had been very drunk. They’d asked one of Todd’s friends to make sure that they got home okay and everything and they’d waited up in their room to make sure that they heard the door close behind them just across the landing. They’d finally collapsed into bed before eventually waking up with their face stuck to a floorboard. Honestly, they were impressed they’d fallen out of bed without waking up. But as they looked at the front door to Skylar’s place with snacks in hand they wished that they were a better liar. If this hadn’t been pre-planned they’d have said they had to work. But if they tried to lie now they’d just upset someone and they could deal with awkward … right? Swallowing, Winston raised their hand and knocked on Skylar’s door. They were armed with drinks and snacks. “Hey, thanks for having this again, it’s been too long since I’ve got to do something normal like watch anime with friends.” 

While the immediate effects of bliss had faded, Skylar was still ecstatic at the prospect of having Winston and Rio over for their first anime night at her new home. There was so much more space in this house and… even though it felt odd, not having Nic there, it was still nice in other regards. She had space to store all her Pop! Figures and plushes, Dundee was growing on her (kind of like a weed, mostly because he followed her everywhere), and when Nic was here, the house felt like a home. But, it had gotten a bit lonely without him here. Which is why she was happy to have Winston and Rio over! As she checked the fridge to make sure there were a few beers in there for Winston, Skylar saw Dundee skitter past her towards the door. That must be one of them-- shutting the fridge, she hurried to the door and gently nudged Dundee out of the way. “Hey Winston!” She said with a bright smile. “Of course, I’m really glad that we could do this. I’ve been wanting to have you over for a while, but things got busy…” She shrugged before looking behind them, curious. “Did you and Rio come separately?”

Orion had been so excited for their revamped anime night. Things had all finally been good and fixed. Skylar seemed to have forgiven Rio and the two were friends again . Rio and Winston were best of friends, a far jump from when they had first met each other the last anime night. It was like things had come full circle. But of course, Rio couldn’t handle something like that without screwing it up. Things hadn’t been the same since the End of the World party. Just as Rio had feared, the world did not end that night. So instead he woke up the next morning, hungover and terrified that his friendship with Winston had been ruined forever. Maybe worse than that, the two had decidedly not talked about as if the kiss (er-kisses) had never even happened. At this point, Rio was way too nervous about it to bring it up. Now, it was anime night. It really had been full circle, all the way back to Rio being the root of why their time tonight would be awkward. Of course, Rio and Winston came separately but practically arrived at the same time, so Rio shoved himself into the trees to avoid the weirdness of walking up to the door at the same time. He didn’t know how he would handle the alone time with them while they waited for Skylar to answer the door. So he sat, huddled in the woods until Winston and Skylar had disappeared into her ridiculously big and beautiful home and he was able to calm his nerves enough to complete the trek to the front door. He knocked against it, each one sending his stomachs into a fit of stress. “Oh uh, hey!” Rio plastered on a smile and gave a small wave when the door was answered.

Winston decided that they liked Nic���s place. They had thought that they had been lucky to land a place like what Ricky had. But this was something completely different. “Of course, things definitely got really hectic for a minute there but now that me and … Rio have helped solve everything we should be able to chill out a bit. At least I hope so.” Winston stepped into the giant home and looked around slightly awe struck. Maybe Winston would have to reconsider being a hunter as a profession, although they were not actually sure that was what Nic did. Honestly they hadn’t considered that arriving separately might be weird. Lying on the spot was never an attractive option for Winston when they knew they were so bad at it. “I uh - came from work, I guess Rio was at the house before coming over but I had to work later then I thought so I couldn’t get him, I mean I couldn’t bring him with me because I was at work and he wasn’t, he- Rio was at home.” The door rapped at the sound of someone knocking and Winston could’ve jumped for joy. “That must be him.” Thank fuck for that.

As Winston spoke, Skylar realized a bit belatedly that the volume on her hearing aids was too low-- she’d gotten used to not wearing them around the house without Nic here. She subtly tucked her hair behind her ear, rolling her thumbs against the dials of her hearing aids to boost the sound so she wasn’t having to rely on lip reading so much. If she’d been paying attention, she might have heard the pause in their words. As it was, it didn’t register. As Winston continued to speak, Skylar eyebrows knitted together in mild confusion. Was everything okay? But, before she could question them about their rambling answer, she heard a knock at the door. She turned to open the door, beaming as she opened the door. “Hey, Rio. Good timing, Winston just got here.” She said, signing as she spoke. “Come on in. Dundee, no.” She said as the dog attempted to make a break for the door, catching him with the edge of her foot. “Sorry. I hope you two don’t mind him.” Skylar apologized as she led them inside. “There’s some snacks and drinks in the fridge-- I bought some Mountain Dew for you,” She said with a grin at Rio. She was excited to be able to have just a fun night in together with the two other anime fans in town.

The last time that Orion had seen Skylar was probably when they researched Skylar’s lost voice, and he was super excited to get to see her again. It had been way too long, and despite the rocky start the two got off to, Rio considered her one of his closest friends. Winston too, if Rio could ever move past how awkward it was to leave Winston standing there alone on the dance floor. And to come out of the bathroom afterwards unable to find them anywhere. Rio was convinced that Winston was too drunk to remember the kiss even happened, which Rio desperately hoped was true. “No worries! I love Dundee!” Rio assured Skylar, bending down to attempt to pet the hyper little guy. “Uh hey Winston” Rio waves from afar, “Sorry I uh- had some running to do. At the place with books and stuff. So we couldn’t ride together.” Rio lied, changing subjects quickly after to clap at Skylar’s drink menu. “You’re the greatest thank you so much.” Maybe if he just chugged Mountain Dew all night he wouldn’t be able to talk at all and embarrass himself. “So what are we watching tonight?”

Winston was semi flustered by the arrival of Rio. He looked good. Maybe a bit tired. But then again when did either of them get enough sleep? It felt like they’d spent hundreds of hours working together, either in the library or researching a way to beat squidward. It had only been a few days of avoiding and Winston gave them a quick smile as they moved towards the dog. “Hey dude, glad you got here okay.” Honestly, they weren’t really paying as they also crouched down to scoop up the dog, only to gently knock their head against Orion’s sending their glasses skittering to the floor. “Oh, shit sorry I didn’t… see you.” Winston quickly grabbed their glasses and moved to the other side of the kitchen. “I actually don’t know what we’re watching, did you have a plan Skye or do we want to pick something?” Winston stuffed their mouth full of doritos to avoid speaking anymore. They felt like they’d already done too much to draw attention to themselves. Even if there were only three of them.

“And Dundee loves you too.” Skylar said with a smile as she made her way to the fridge. Neither she or Nic really cared for the little dog, so he was enjoying the attention of the others, “Do you want a beer?” Skylar asked Winston from the fridge as she pulled out a can of Mountain Dew for Rio, setting it on the counter for him. “I don’t normally drink it, but Nic has some that he likes, I’m sure he won’t mind you having one or two.” She nodded. He might have a scowly face and reputation for being the gruff alligator man, but he was honestly a really kind guy. Hearing the sound of clattering against wood flooring, Skylar looked over and was surprised to see Winston grabbing their glasses from the ground and hurrying off to the opposite side of the kitchen. Was something wrong? The house wasn’t too strange, was it? She’d been to Ricky and Winston’s home before, all those months ago and while Nic’s was different, she didn’t think it was too too different. A bit anxious, she held out a beer to Winston. “Um-- I had a couple ideas! There’s this one really cute show on Netflix called Cell’s at Work, I’ve got some Studio Ghibli movies, and Rio got me the director’s edition of A Silent Voice for my birthday, so we could also watch that.” She looked over at Rio with a nod, “Thank you again, I love this movie so much.”

Orion accepted the Mountain Dew from Skylar, still rubbing the spot on his head where it collided with Winston’s. Even with hunter speed, Rio couldn’t get to Winston’s glasses to pick them up for them before Winston had already snatched them and retreated to the opposite end of the kitchen. God, this was the worst. Rio really didn’t know if he could make it without Winston’s friendship now. Not only were they roommates, which meant things could only get more and more awkward if they were forced to live together. But Rio had spent so many nights hysterically laughing with them while fighting the exhaustion that came from their lack of sleep. Rio’s eyes widened at the offer of alcohol and actually breathed a sigh of relief when he realized it wasn’t being offered in his direction. Thank God. Rio should probably just not drink. Ever again. Just to be safe. “Oh those are all great options!” Rio grinned in spite of the awkwardness of the evening. He made a heart symbol with his hands and signed ‘You’re Welcome’ before pointing at Skylar. “I’ve heard Cell’s at Work is good but haven’t seen it yet. I could watch A Silent Voice anytime. But no promises that I won’t cry.” Plus, it gave him more opportunities to practice his signing, which he had gotten pretty good at. “What uh-what are you thinking Winston?” Why did his voice crack every time he said Winston’s name? Jesus, this wasn’t middle school. “I mean about what to watch. Not just like... randomly asking you broadly what you’re thinking about. Which I mean you could totally say. You can say anything. But uh- I was directly referring to what we should watch.” Rio facepalmed himself and tried playing it off as scratching at an itch. Could he get more awkward?

Glancing at the beer that Skylar was offering to them Winston was about to turn her down when they decided that they could actually probably do with one beer. Twelve year old Winston would be so disappointed that they were drinking to avoid their problems. “I can only do one, someone’s got to drive us home.” Winston wasn’t sure what was going on between them and Orion but there was no way that they would make Orion get home without Winston driving them. That was cruel and obvious that there was something wrong. Not that they were doing a very good job of hiding that. “Uh, no don’t worry .. Rio, I mean Orion, you, I …” Winston swallowed, “I understood that you were talking about anime.” God Winston wished they had doritos or popcorn or something that they could eat so that they had more time to think about what they were going to say before they said it. But they’d moved away from the snacks and walking to put food in your mouth was super obvious. Swallowing nervously, Winston nodded. “I like both suggestions, maybe the Netflix one if we’ve all seen Silent Voice before and then if we still want to keep going, then we can or you know if someone has a better suggestion then I’m fine with that. I’ve got Netflix at home so I guess I can watch Cell’s at Work whenever I want.” Winston had been inching towards the bowl of popcorn on the counter and quick handful of it went in their mouth. “Do you want me to carry anything through to … wherever we’re going to watch.” 

Grabbing the packet of beef jerky she’d stashed in the pantry, Skylar popped a piece into her mouth and chewed as she listened to the two of them. There was something… a little weird about what was going on. She couldn’t quite put her finger on it, but it seemed like there was some kind of tension? Had they been fighting? Oh no… She hadn’t made things awkward by insisting that they have the anime night? She didn’t want to make things worse for them if they were arguing. Swallowing, Skylar pulled the barn door that separated the kitchen from the living room, with its modern furnishings and large television. “Since none of us have seen Cell’s at Work, we can watch that one? And if we decide we don’t like it, we can keep our options open, okay?” She asked, her voice slightly higher than she meant it to come out. Though the bliss was still running in her veins, she could tell that it’s effects were fading just a bit more every day. The pain lingered at the edges of her mind and her old thoughts were resurfacing, even now. But, she pushed them away, focusing on her two friends instead. “Um, yes, if you want to bring the chips and the popcorn, that’d be great. Rio, can you help them?” She suggested as she began to fiddle with the remote control to the television.

“Cell’s at Work it is! I think this is a great idea. I haven’t started a new anime in forever.” Orion was desperate for some normalcy. Even if things were awkward, once the three started watching the show and got into it, some of that would return. How awkward could things be between Rio and Winston when they weren’t even speaking? Rio didn’t actually know the answer to that, but he was sure it would be less than it was in this kitchen right now. Skylar stepped into the other room to get the TV set up and asked Winston and Rio to grab the food. So the two of them were momentarily alone. Even though Skylar was just feet away, within eye sight of Rio turned his head, that open barn separating them felt like some line of defense being shattered. Rio’s face heated up immediately and he didn’t want to think about how visible the red on his face must be. He sulked over to the snacks, reaching for the popcorn bowl before realizing that Winston was doing the same thing. Rio froze mid-grab and did not move for what felt like a few minutes. He laughed nervously and redirected for the chips only to find that Winston had done the same thing. God, this was absolutely ridiculous. Finally, Rio swiped a few bag of chips and hurried into the room, hoping to gauge where Skylar would be sitting so he could use her as a buffer. He hated this. He hated being so weird around Winston and he hated using Skylar as a shield. It took the focus off of what fun the night was supposed to be. “Welp I’m all settled in and ready to start right now  or uh- when everybody is ready.”

Swallowing back an awkward lump that had crept up their throat, Winston turned to grab the snacks and proceeded to take part in the most annoying dance that they had ever taken part in. Honestly. They went left and Rio went that way too, they went for the pop corn and Rio was there with his hands and then they went for the chips before giving up entirely and watching Rio scamper from the room as if he had done something wrong. They had been about to make a joke about Rio making up his mind but they hadn’t got the courage up to say anything before Rio dashed from the room and honestly at that moment Winston just wished that they could say something to reassure them but now really wasn’t the place and it definitely wasn’t the time. They would have to get through the awkward anime first and then maybe if Winston could build up the courage to address it he might say something. As they stood there in the kitchen alone for a moment, Winston grabbed the snacks and joined them in the living room. Settling into an armchair, Winston placed the bowl of popcorn on their lap and was pleased that this was a good way of avoiding having to obviously not sit next to Rio. “I am all good to get started,” Winston replied with a thumbs up, “I’ve been waiting to watch this for ages … so it should be good.” 

Skylar curled up on one end of the couch with the bag of beef jerky, fully expecting Winston and Rio to join her on the very large cushions. But, when Winston sat on one of the adjacent armchair, she blinked before the oddness of the situation was pushed from her mind. It was nice, this was nice. Even if things were weird and Rio and Winston were fighting… No, she didn’t know that for sure. But, why else would they be acting like this? As the two gave her the greenlight, she nodded enthusiastically. “Sounds good to me! Let’s get started.” Skylar said and watched as a very cute anime girl in all red began to run across the screen, pushing a pallet loader full of sandwiches. As odd as the other two, Skylar couldn’t help but think back to the last anime night they’d had. She’d felt awful, she’d been chugging coffee the entire time and then when Rio had found her skin, it’d only made her feel worse. But right now? Both of them knew what she was and they were still here, sitting next to her. And she wasn’t in any pain, no measurable pain at least. It was nothing she couldn’t ignore. Instead, she focused on the adorable on-screen antics instead. “Aw, the platelets are adorable.” She remarked.

Orion was so relieved when they finally started the show. Even if the show was incredibly boring, Rio was willing to pretend that it was incredibly interesting and groundbreaking if it meant not having to fumble through a conversation where Winston and Rio talked to Skylar and purposely dodged any conversation that dealt with the both of them. Rio just wanted to sink into the couch and disappear from view. Rio just wanted to act normally. Which wasn’t easy to do right now. But it was obvious that Skylar could tell that there was... something going on between the two. And Rio couldn’t argue it. They had been acting like crazy people. “Yeah the art style is really good.” Rio agreed. He was trying so hard to stay completely focused on the show. But he kept finding his eyes roam over towards Winston and Skylar. He just wanted things to be okay. He found his glances lasting longer and long until eventually he was just staring over at Winston. Despite being drunk, Rio had memorized every single marking the group of painters had put on their body. Rio could still picture them, but Rio’s eyes were homed in on Winston’s lips. At least, until Winston must have realized that they were being stared at. Rio practically jumped out of his skin and stared at the screen again. “Wow this voice acting is really good too.”

It was hard to focus on the anime. With everything that they were planning on doing with Bea, with everything that had happened with them narrowly avoiding the end of the world, Winston had to admit that they weren’t really focussed on what was important. They were focussed on the way that Rio’s hair fell around his face. They were focussed on how beautiful his face was, on the way his chest rose and fell as he took breaths. Then they were aware that Rio was staring at them and they had to look away. They were hoping that Skylar wouldn’t have noticed that they were so preoccupied by everything. “This is my favourite thing about anime,” were they talking because they had something to say or just so that they didn’t look like they were being awkward…. “So many amazing ideas that are just imagined via animation, it is really amazing.” 

“It’s like a cute version of Osmosis Jones.” Skylar remarked as she focused on the cartoon on screen. It was easier to watch this than try to muddle through whatever was happening with Winston and Rio, so that’s what she decided to do. It was just simpler this way and felt better than asking them what was wrong. Chewing on a piece of jerky, she nodded along with Winston and Rio’s comments. “Mhm! Yup, agreed on both of those. Like… who would have thought that anime could make learning about… red and white blood cells interesting?” She commented. As she spoke, Skylar ran her palms ambiently along the material of the couch. It was so soft. It felt really nice against her skin, fuzzy. Focusing on that feeling, still basking in the joy of being able to have a fun night like this, Skylar continued to watch the show.

It felt like the three were just talking about random, unimportant things just because they thought that they needed to be talking to each other. They had buzzwords. Basic, surface level things that they would have said to a stranger that was watching the same show. So why were the three of them, who were good friends and had been through so much together, talking about such shallow things? Obviously, Orion knew that he was the one to blame. He just wished he hadn’t been so stupid. “I uh- I heard that it’s actually pretty accurate too.” Rio interjected, happy to provide some sort of dialogue, “I mean of course it’s over dramatized and stuff. But I’ve heard the creator of the manga did a lot of prior research and had help to make it as medically accurate as possible.”

The tension in the air just felt wrong, Winston couldn’t help but hate it. Skylar and Rio, Winston had individually and collectively been through so much with both of them. They were some of their closest friends and because of their idiocy they had of course made things awkward. Forcing themselves to relax slightly, Winston chewed through a mouthful of popcorn before turning. “Hey, I know things have been kind of … well they’ve really sucked recently. For all three of us, but I’m really glad that we could do this again. There’s no one else that I would rather be with tonight then the two of you watching this. Which, is really awesome by the way, this was a really good choice.” 

Skylar didn’t immediately pick up on Winston or Rio speaking, too caught up in the animated characters to register that they were saying things. “That’s really cool that they did that sort of research!” She nodded enthusiastically as she continued to watch. At Winston’s words, her smile only grew. It was really nice for them to do this. And she was really, really happy that they were here. There wasn’t much that could make this better, honestly. Maybe if Remmy was here, or Shiloh, or Ricky, or Morgan, or Nic, or any number of the other people in her life who were going through some rough times. But, this was still good. Rio and Winston were some of the best people she knew and it just felt nice to be around them again. “For sure! I’m glad that we could do this too, I’m really happy you both came.” She beamed. “And I’m glad you like the show.”

Hearing them, it almost made all the anxiety that Orion was feeling go away. Even if things were weird and sort of messy right now at least they all still cared for each other. That was the important thing, right? That they were all friends and got to do anime nights like this? Growing up, it was all Rio had ever really wanted. Friendship. Maybe Rio didn’t want to pretend the kiss never happened. Because he knew how he felt about Winston. But… things apparently weren’t meant to be like that. Rio had ruined everything or Winston didn’t feel the same way or… the specifics didn’t really matter. As long as he could try to forget and move on so things could go back to how they were a few weeks ago. “Me too. Uh- Ditto on all that. You’re both the best. I can’t believe that I actually have friends to watch anime with. It’s weird to think about but I’m really happy. Regardless of anything else going on.”

Frowning gently, Winston settled down and glanced in Rio and Skylar’s direction. Except for the first time in the evening their not so subtle glance had not been directed at Orion. But Skylar. They’d noticed that she had seemed a little bit out of sorts. When they’d been messaging the other night and even today, it wasn’t that she didn’t seem like Skylar, she just seemed so much more joyful then they had ever seen them. Which was absolutely not a bad thing, but it seemed a little odd. “I don’t get how someone came up with the idea of teaching us about Cells and how they work via the magic of anime.” Winston popped a kernel of pop corn in their mouth and crunched through it. 

“It’s really, really nice.” Skylar agreed with Rio, bobbing her head emphatically. She’d never thought that she would meet people this nice, this good, or this fun to hang out with when she moved to White Crest. But, here she was, in a big giant house with an amazing roommate and wonderful friends, watching a cute new anime and just having fun. It felt good to have fun. Laughing at Winston’s comment, she nodded. “Right? Some people are just super creative. I never would have thought to do something like this at all.” She said with another nod.

Things seemed marginally less awkward now. Orion kept noticing his eyes drift over to Winston but overall, the show was good enough that it worked well to keep his attention focused. Thank god, considering how terrible things could have been if they had decided to do something other than quietly watch a show. Trying to imagine the awkwardness of a board game or just dinner with friends made Rio cringe. But the three just had a fairly normal conversation. Rio and Winston spoke in the same vicinity without being entirely awkward, and honestly this was this most enthusiastic Rio had ever seen Skylar. He didn’t put too much thought into it, figuring she had just been super excited to finally be watching this anime or to get the gang back together for a marginally less dramatic anime night 2.0. Either way, Rio was happy to see her seem so... happy. She hadn’t had the best of luck recently. With the vampire watermelon attack and losing her voice she had seemed so... out of it. And who knew what else had been going on that Rio hadn’t been around for. “I’m gonna grab another soda... anybody want anything while I’m in there?” Rio asked, hopping up from the couch and shaking his empty can. It was like a weird case of deja vu ran through him “And I’m totally just going to the kitchen. Nowhere else. I promise. No more weird stuff. You both know about me now. Um... so yeah. sorry again for ruining the first anime night.” And the second, but at least this one still had potential.

“I don’t know Skye,” Winston replied with a shrug, “I’m sure you’ve got your own creative outlet.” Everyone did. Different strings for different things and all that. Raising an eyebrow at Orion’s frankly forced confession, Winston did not really know what they could say in response. They were still sure that there was something different with Skylar. They couldn’t put a finger on it but Rio had done enough to distract Winston from that for now. “Are you sure? I think that Nic would love it if you went through his things.” Winston hoped that the joke would be well received. Honestly, awkward humour was a close follow on from Winston doing something awkward and they couldn’t help but burst out laughing a second later. “I’m good on the soda front though,” Winston flashed Rio a smile. It was things like that which worked for Winston. So genuine to apologise for something that had been left well in the past. 

As the episode ended, Skylar focused on the closing animation. The music was a little high pitched and it rang a little too harsh in her ears, but it didn’t hurt her ears. Nothing hurt anymore. At Rio’s words, she offered an enthusiastic thumbs up in his direction. “Oh like when you went in my room and totally dug around and found my skin? You won’t wanna do that here, Nic’s got a lot of guns and stuff just kinda hiding all over the place. But, I’m all good here, I don’t need anything.” She said with a grin. Turning to look at Winston, she tilted her head. “Mhm, I don’t know about that. I mostly just do ASL and read.” She said with a blithe shrug. 

Orion absolutely deserved any roasting that came his way from that night. He had clearly not been in his right mind when he decided to go through her things out of some misguided delusion that he was protecting her. Still, it was a bit off the way she phrased it. Rio didn’t mind, it was mostly meant as a joke and Skylar didn’t sound mad or anything. It just sounded very... different from how she had reacted to it in the past. “Yeah uh I’ve very strictly minded my own business since then. Scout’s honor.” He almost launched into the explanation that he had only been in the boys scout for a couple of weeks before quitting but it seemed excessive. Besides, Rio got distracted when Winston was laughing and smiling at him again. It felt like it had been a while since the two had gotten to laugh together. He really missed their laugh. Rio giggled along with Skylar and Winston, moving forward while keeping his eyes focused on the two of them. He misjudged his path, tripping into the table and just barely catching a lamp from tipping over. “Sorry! Sorry. My bad” Rio laughed again, correcting the lamp and waving his arms around as if probing his safety to the two. Finally, he disappeared into the kitchen to grab his drink.

Laughing gently at the roasting that Skylar had provided Rio, Winston found a grin slowly dancing across their lips. “You’re good dude,” Winston replied with the same grin, “oh shit, you okay?” Winston couldn’t help but giggle. How was it possible that Rio was somehow more clumsy then them? Winston wasn’t sure and they didn’t really care. It was cute and endearing as fuck. “ASL and reading is pretty cool either way, have you ever thought about writing?” they weren’t really going for anything, they were just curious. They were sure that Skylar had a few good stories to tell. 

The sound of Winston and Rio laughing filtered in through the lingering lightness that filled Skylar’s head and she laughed alongside them. Her laughter only grew as she watched Rio stumble and nearly knock over a lamp. Leaning further into the cushy material of the couch, she continued to smile even after the small fit of giggles petered away. It was all just… so much better. Everything about this was better than how it had been. All thanks to Felix and the little vial tucked away in the desk of her room. “I don’t think I’d be any good at writing.” She said with a shake of her head, her choppy hair flowing around her shoulders. “I don’t think anyone would want to read anything I came up with anyways.” She said with an offhand shrug. At her words, Dundee hopped up on the couch between her and Winston and began to stare at her guest, his beady eyes unblinking. 

After grabbing a second Mountain Dew, Orion stood in the kitchen for a bit longer, welcoming the moment to himself to collect his thoughts. This was okay. This was good, even. Things could go back to normal soon. Winston used magic, maybe they could whip up some spell to make both of them forget the kiss even happened. The only problem was that Rio really, really didn’t want to forget it. While staring at the countertop, Rio’s hearing picked up on the conversation in the other room. He finally popped the tab on the can open and took a drink before heading back in to join his friends. “I’d totally want to read anything you wrote.” Rio interjected, hoping that they did not take it as him intruding in their conversation. And redound his seat on the couch, taking notice of Dundee staring at Winston. Rio found himself staring at the dog, “Your dog is very strange.”

Raising an eyebrow gently as their laughter subsided, Winston glanced at Dundee and then at Skylar. Then Rio walked in and Winston had a brief moment of eye contact and then back to the dog who still had his beady little eyes fixated on Winston’s. Suddenly Winston could understand why maybe Skylar wasn’t a dog person. “Uh, did I do something wrong?” they asked as they shifted their feet from underneath them and tried to get Dundee to look at something else. “Why is your dog being so weird?” It was a little unnerving honestly and Winston wasn’t sure that they really knew how to make it stop. 

“I don’t know, I just don’t think anyone would care about what I think!” Skylar said with a cheery shrug, her legs swinging over the edge of the couch as she spoke. As she did, she noticed that Dundee was still locking eyes with Winston. “Oh, he’s not my dog. He’s not really Nic’s dog either. He just came with the house.” Putting a hand on Dundee’s head, she gave the small dog an awkward pat on the head, her fingers unused to giving an animal physical affection. “I dunno, he just kinda does this sometimes.” She said before blinking as Dundee began to shiver for a moment, the fur on his back rippling strangely as the dog appeared to be vibrating with energy. All the while, his eyes remained trained on Winston. Before any of them could do anything, Dundee let out a sneeze, his face spinning in a whirlwind of fur. 

Orion would happily read anything that Skylar wrote, but Skylar didn’t seem bothered by the discussion anyways. She was definitely acting differently, right? Rio would ask Winston about it afterwards… if the two were really talking right now at least. Instead, the conversation seemed to shift entirely over to their dog. Which apparently wasn’t really their dog at all. That was only a bit unnerving. “Oh. So like he was the previous owner’s? That’s strange, right? To leave their dog?” Rio was very confused right, his eyes still staring at the dog that was staring at Winston. Dundee broke the stare first, erupting into a sneeze way more intense for it’s tiny little body. Rio’s eyes widened as the dog’s entire body shook in the aftermath. After a long moment of staring, Rio found himself giggling until he was erupting into full blown hystericals. “Oh my god, what was that?” He tried asking midlaugh, wiping at tears that had escaped his eyes.

Giggling to themselves and their friends, Winston felt their sides ache gently from all the laughter that they had been indulged in. It was nice that despite everything that had happened between Rio and Winston, this was something that they could still share together. Honestly, if anything it made Winston feel kind of better about the whole situation. Like even if everything went the worst possible way that it could there was still some hope that they wouldn’t be awkward for the rest of their life. Winston exploded in another fit of laughter as Dundee sneezed. “That dog is officially the cutest thing that I have ever seen,” Winston said as they reached behind their lenses and brushed a stray tear of joy from their eyes, “was that a sneeze?” 

With laughter ringing through the large, empty house, her friends beside her, Skylar joined in with the other two. Her shoulders shook with mirth as she looked at Dundee, who was now busily licking his paw. The strange energy she’d felt on him when she’d touched his head had vanished and he seemed to be back to normal-- or, whatever kind of normal passed for the strange little dog. “I think it was.” Skylar managed with a final chuckle, shaking her head. Everything about this moment, it was more than she had ever imagined would be possible for her. To be surrounded by friends, laughing, joking, just having a nice normal night in? She wished it could last forever.

[thathonleygirl]

The Beginning

November 2019 – June 2020 Background

I decided to start this documentation of my journey into motorcycling for many reasons, mainly because I want to work on my writing skills and sometimes it’s nice to take a break from the mindless scrolling. I also think I’ll enjoy going back and reading this when I’m less of a rookie I’ll be recreating the timeline from the MSF course to the present from memory. I decided to dive into motorcycling as a hobby for myself, and also as a hobby for me to share with my boyfriend of 2+ years, Chris. Ultimately I can confidently say he inspired me to ride on my own and has been so supportive every step of the way.

November 2019 – MSF Class & getting my motorcycle endorsement I remember this weekend like it was yesterday. It was a freezing weekend and I’m out in the parking lot of RCCC bundled up from head to toe. I was happy it was cold because I was super nervous and excited, and heat stresses me out. There’s about 15 of us in the class, and right off the bat everyone is super friendly because we’re all here for the same thing – there was defiantly a wide range of skill levels and reasons for taking the class – but we’re all there for the same class. The two teachers of the class were AWESOME, and I’ll remember them for the rest of my riding career. They took us through the basics – controls, friction zone, etc. and soon we were riding through the first set of drills. My bike was a Kawasaki Eliminator from the 1800’s and it kept shutting off due to the cold weather. It also was impossible to find neutral, even the instructors couldn’t find it – I was just relieved that it wasn’t operator error. At the end of the 1st riding day they both told me they were impressed and proud of how I did – which meant so much to me considering I had never touched a clutch before, lol. The second day was a little rough, but still a success, mainly because I began to overthink every little thing because I knew there was going to be a test at the end of the day. This is when I first learned the importance of your headspace when on the bike, and how too much anxiety can be catastrophic. That being said, I still passed the class and got my endorsement the next week I really wish I had gotten the contact info for the people in the class, but the excitement of passing the class got the best of me.

March 2020 – Meeting Jolene I’d be lying if I said the process of bringing Jolene home was smooth, and the truth is I have a newfound hatred for dealerships and salespeople, LOL. But it was all well worth it. I went to Team Charlotte Motorsports with the intention of buying a Honda Rebel 500 in all black, but was disappointed when they didn’t have the right colors, and the bike just didn’t feel right when I first sat on one. But oh boy, when I first sat on Jolene I knew she was the one and I knew I had to have her. I’ve always been super laid back but when my mind is set on something, I get DETERMINED. After leaving the dealership because the price was too high, I began to obsess. After a week of negotiating and an extra fiery in-person negotiation, I finally got the price I wanted and Chris rode her home the next day. The whole process was rewarding in the sense of getting what I want and not backing down!

March-April 2020 – Attitude Adjustment I was off to a ROCKY start, and a few times I lost a lot of hope and had a lot of “WTF did I get myself into?!” moments in my first few loops around our neighborhood. My bike felt 100x heavier and harder to maneuver than my Eliminator, and my nerves were getting the best of me. I was scared to even let out the clutch at first. But after a few times stalling, I was doing loops in first gear around the neighborhood. On the third round of neighborhood loops, I was having a moment overthinking a left turn from a stop sign, and dropped the bike after it stalled and jerked in the middle of the turn. It was a devastating moment because my immediate reaction was that I just ruined my brand new bike in less than 100 miles, and the salt in the wound was the fact that I couldn’t pick the bike up. Luckily, a good Samaritan neighbor was close by with help, and the bike was totally fine (just wasn’t in neutral so it wouldn’t start). Not even a scratch, I’m a lucky girl. I spent some time feeling sorry for myself and hopeless but that was getting me nowhere. In that moment, I realized one theme in all my “practice” – I was scared of my bike, and was not taking control over her like I should be. I began to try and change my mindset, and just love the fuck out of her like she was my best friend. It’s crazy how much your mental state affects performance, especially on a motorcycle. As my attitude shifted, so did my confidence and success. After endless neighborhood loops and sideways stares from the neighbors, I finally made it out on the road (just down the street to the nearest park, but out of the neighborhood nevertheless! That was a game changing feeling for me. That is what it’s all about.

April 2020 – Real Deal At this point, im still having pretty intense nerves before every ride, but I have made it out of Edison Square (finally). The first ride ALL THE WAY out of the neighborhood was me following Chris who was driving his truck, leading me on what would become my trusty loop. We wanted to take some pictures for Instagram, which I’ve been trying to grow since I got Jolene. The biker community on social media is AWESOME, it’s incredible how many other riders around the world I’ve gotten to share experiences with and learn from, most importantly being able to “meet” other girl riders. Anyways, during that first mini trip following chris I finally made it into 5th gear and got into some twistys, I was smiling so hard in my helmet the whole time. I feel so close to my bike now and with every ride I feel more in tune, and less intimidated by her. I almost feel like she’s a horse or something, lol. We stopped to take some pictures in front of some office building which was empty because Covid – I felt so uncomfortable taking pictures but Chris was such a good sport in trying to get the best angles LOL. The whole Instagram thing has defiantly taken me out of my comfort zone – but so has riding as a whole – and I never want to go back. After this trip, I started going out on the same trip as much as I could, but still was having intense pre-ride jitters – but with every ride, I felt less anxiety and I could actually enjoy and have fun while still learning and practicing the basics. The post-ride bliss, however, was always an amazing feeling and I noticed that on the days I did get out to ride, I felt more at ease and generally better for the rest of the day. Meanwhile, we are still waiting on chris’s bike to be done getting worked on.

May 2020 – First Group Ride We finally got chris’ bike back after SUCH a long time. It’s crazy how much I worry when he’s riding his bike with me driving the car; but I don’t worry at all about myself when I’m riding lol. Side note – I’m such a lucky girl to have chris and he amazes me on a daily basis. I love how he set up the group ride, knew the route we were going to ride and also planned out how we would meet up with our two friends along the way. Before this ride, I finally just felt excited for the ride, and less nerves in the pit of my stomach. I found myself agonizing over which placement in the lineup I wanted to ride in, weighing out the pros and cons of each – I had to keep reminding myself that I don’t know shit, there’s no point in worrying, and just to trust chris (that option hasn’t let me down yet!) Side rant – im realizing as I ride more and more miles that most of my fears have been irrational. It starts with me conjuring up a situation that I feel would be dicey on a motorcycle, then I obsess over all the possible negative outcomes in those situations, and then I obsess over when I will come across them in my journey. So far – I have not been right a single time. For example – left turn at a yellow blinking light – I wanted to actually reroute my ride to avoid this, but when I was forced to do it, I rode through it with NO issues. It’s crazy what a whirlwind our minds can conjure up with little to no reason or backup to support our fears. Long story short, I need to get over myself and go with the flow, and take each learning experience as just that. Again, chris’s patience is remarkable. Back to the group ride – it was awesome. I was again, smiling so hard in my helmet as chris and I chatted through the turns, as he’s telling me how proud he is of me and just having all the good feelings along the way. So glad we went with the Cardo systems, I can’t imagine the ride without them. We rode over 100 miles through the country around Midland and hit a bunch of turns. I got to practice things I don’t necessarily enjoy, like stoplights, a LOT which was great. I still need to work on speeding up my starts especially turning starts. Getting home from the ride was a great feeling, it’s such a high – the post ride bliss. We got to head to the beach right after for a long weekend, which was much needed. We came home from the beach and chris surprised me with a longboard, which I had been talking a lot about wanting lately. Words just aren’t enough to describe how grateful I am to call him mine.

May 26th 2020 – 2nd Group Ride It’s been raining for the past two weeks, pretty much ever since we picked Chris’s bike up from the shop. Side note – Chris and I are doing a watermelon cleanse from Tuesday through Friday, and we were at the end of day 1 at this point. I didn’t realize how much of a toll the fast had taken on me until I started riding, I was overthinking every move I made and just felt unstable overall. Everything just felt harder, and it was such a reminder of how much your mental state affects your riding. Overall the ride was great and I’m so glad we got out and rode though, the country roads were beautiful and the temperature was just perfect at around 70. I guess I need to focus on the positives here – that the ride was beautiful, we didn’t get caught in the rain and I got to experience new roads. And of course got some great pics. I’ve officially become that girl who takes pictures in the parking lot for Instagram, but I really don’t care because it’s been fun building my social media presence.

May 31st 2020 – 300 milestone Well, I finally did it – I hit 300 miles on the bike, the halfway mark to my first 600 mile service, lol. Last night’s ride was absolutely perfect, I couldn’t have asked for better weather (mid 70’s, not humid at all) and feeling the crisp air as I was passing my previous top speed at 60+ mph was an unmatchable feeling. Every time I have a ride like this, I always think to myself, “This is what it’s all about.” My headspace was at a great spot and I felt confident and smooth throughout the ride. My starts were quicker and more fluent, my turns were smooth and I had less anxiety and anxious thoughts about shifting gears and going through the motions of riding in general. It’s crazy what a few days of healthy food and relaxing will do to your mind – this ride compared to the last entry was like night and day. We took the bikes to Mac’s Speed Shop for dinner – I was excited to ride my own bike there. Once we pulled up and Chris quickly whipped around to back his bike into his spot, I was reminded of my severe performance anxiety yet again, lol. I really need to get over the thought of people watching me and get over myself, people are going to watch what’s right in front of them, and a girl on a bike is sort of a rare occurrence. I feel like when people watch me, specifically men, they are just waiting for me to mess up because how could a girl like me be on her own bike? In reality, I’m sure they are barely even thinking about me at all, LOL. That brings me to something I really need to work on in general. I get really anxious when people watch me and I really need to make a conscious effort to work on getting over that. People are not worried about me – I know this – but rational thoughts get tossed out the window when I’m placed in front of a crowd. This trait of mine exists in every avenue of life – whether it is work, play, whatever; and I need to take time to grow out of this. I think it will help me have less social anxiety and will probably help my confidence which will have residual effects like an improved posture and overall sense of stability. I just wonder if this is a habit that can just naturally be broken with practice/repetition or is this something that requires more attention and effort to fix. Wow – such a rabbit hole, lol, but I doubt anyone will even read this. Back to the ride – I have absolutely loved the feeling of making it home from a successful ride, or “post – ride bliss.” Chilling on the couch with my honey after a perfect ride (for both of us) is my ideal Sunday evening. Chris’s longboard finally came in so we were able to skate over and get ice cream before we called it a night. I just love our life together and think that we truly have the perfect relationship that is a mixture of best friends and lovers that just keeps getting stronger and better with time. I am so happy. With our economy tanking due to a virus in our country that’s being burnt down all around us, he is my peace. To work on –faster upshifting –downshift through EACH gear when approaching a stop (stop banging down all the gears without releasing the clutch in between) –get over performance anxiety –work on maneuvering the bike when off (in and out of parking spots, getting gas, backing out of garage, etc) –ride the bike into the garage myself! I’m so blessed to have Chris to help, teach and support me on this journey. He reminds me I don’t need to be able to do everything immediately but still pushes me to learn and become a better biker when he knows I’m capable of doing something.

June 11 – Making Progress Two big milestones this week. The first is installing my mini floorboards, the second being my skills improving on the bike. Last night Chris and I rode to Gamestop to pick up a Tony Hawk game, and I was nervous for the ride beforehand given the newness of my floorboards along with the general nerves I get before a ride. The ride ended up being AWESOME. I made sure to pay attention and downshift completely through each gear when coming to a stop, and I was able to do it successfully most of the time, lol. Also had way faster starts, and beat Chris out of the stop lights a few times. The feeling of just riding with no traffic or light in sight is unmatchable, especially in 5th gear when it feels like nothing can hold Jolene back. During these stretches of the ride, my thoughts are always revolving around THIS being what it’s all about, THIS is riding, and this is freedom. It’s an unmatchable feeling. I also felt good when we pulled into eastfield for dinner because I was able to smoothly maneuver around the parking lot that was semi-full without issue. Also I didn’t need help when leaving the parking spot outside of gamestop. taking rides after work used to be kind of a fear of mine, and I was usually reluctant to take them in fear that I would be too braindead after a full workday. The ride last night, however, proved this fear wrong. I think no matter the time of day, day of the week, temperature, WHATEVER it may be, it’s all about your headspace and that is the greatest determinant for the outcome of the ride. I’m glad that I’m starting to feel less and less anxiety prepping for and starting out on each ride, the stomach aches and general feelings of fear are melting away with every mile in the seat. Soon I’ll be scheduling my 600 mile service To work on be more gentle when downshifting, especially to first. Stop stomping on the poor shifter ride the bike into the garage myself keep improving engine breaking/downshifting completely through each gear to 2nd or 1st

June 13 – Passing 500 on my first real trip So many milestones (literally) passed this weekend! 1 – passed the 500 mile mark & 2 – first 100+ mile trip! Minus one close-call, the whole trip/day was amazing with my love. We first headed out to Asheboro Harley Davidson dealership, stopping at a couple gas stations along the way. I passed my previous top speed and managed to hit 65+ mph, and I don’t know if that was Jolene’s limit or if it was user-error. Aside from the wind feeling like it was going to blow me off of the bike, it felt exhilarating to ride fast on the open highway. After we left the second gas station, I was following Chris (a little too closely) and the left turn we were supposed to take snuck up on us so I locked up my brakes and skidded (loudly) down the street, fishtailing straight down the street, missing the turn. Mid-way through the skid, the only thought running through my head was “fuck, we’re going down.” Somehow either my reflexes or my guardian angel, or a combination of the two, were looking out for me and Jolene stayed upright. Somehow I knew to kind of let go of the breaks and handlebars and let the bike do its thing, and sure enough I was able to straighten out and stay upright. It was a sobering experience for sure, and it took a little while to gain my confidence back for the rest of the ride. Chris is a patient angel though. We made it to the Asheboro Harley dealership to pick up our poker chips and chill for a little bit, and we were surprised to see it was crowded. It’s such a nice dealership though, they had a food truck serving Greek food, free beer on tap and the MSF course happening in the parking lot that we could watch while eating our lunch. Chris and I talked about how we always feel like outcasts from the “Harley crowd” but the people we talked to were nice. It started getting late so we headed out to the next stop, the Moonset general store near Uwharrie and Badin Lake. The rest of the ride was uneventful, and Chris and quickly became exhausted lol. I kept wondering to myself if I would always feel this tired from riding. It’s just such a mental thing that takes your full attention and effort at all times, and being hyper-aware of your surroundings at all times. There’s also the physical side of riding that involves every extremity in unison just to work the bike controls. I think that’s what makes coming home from a trip feel so rewarding. Once we made it home, we got burgers at Eastfield and called it a night after we both fell asleep on the couch lol. We took a short ride to pinky’s after detailing the bikes on Sunday and that was also a great ride. Short and sweet.

June 23 – Ready for 1st Service The more experience and riding I’ve gotten, the less I feel the need to write and blog which is a good thing more time spent actually riding. Passed the 600 mile mark and trying to schedule my service appointment this week after I install my new Vance and Hines pipes on Wednesday, so pumped for the new sound and look. I’m feeling so much more comfortable now riding, still have a few things I want to work on but when I think about the first few times I took Jolene out and compare that to how I feel riding now, it’s almost like I’m a whole new person. The things that used to scare me to death are things I can do without thinking twice now. I’m learning that the faster I go, the more comfortable I feel, and that the fears I used to have are pretty irrational. Over the weekend Chris, his mom and I went on a ride through the country before it got too hot outside. It made me happy to see how happy Chris’s mom was after the ride. We talked about how great of a teacher he is and how supportive he is every step of the way. The next day, Chris, his brother and I went on a ride to Statesville Harley and got lunch at Grouchos (Chris chose for me because I always talk about how ive always wanted to eat there, hehe). It was a great ride, minus almost running over a snake haha. One other biker that was at Grouchos joined in with us for part of the ride home, then another biker on the road joined in too. It was cool to hold up the middle, lol. Chris said I did a good job. The sense of community in the biker world is something amazing and it makes me so excited for the future, and how many cool people I will meet along the way.

[3monthsineurope]

June 1, 2019

Ingvar and I woke up at 4 am Saturday. Wowowowo that’s early! Ingvar and I had spent the week moving his stuff out of his old place, and some of it into mine. He’s spending a few weeks with me in my room, before he leaves for Hawaii for the summer. It’s really nice that he was taking me to the airport! I had packed almost all of my things the night before (and rather well, I might add! I only had four outfits for the weekend packed!), so we left my place around 4:20. We stopped and got gas, and then wanted Starbucks, but all of them were closed in Bellingham!

We hit the road to Everett. I was so excited to try out the new airport! There was no traffic that early, and we ended up stopping at Starbucks in Burlington. Ingvar got a $75 gift card when he left Bank of America (Wednesday was his last day!), so it was his treat. We got to Everett around 5:45, an hour and fifteen minutes before my flight. You can’t do that when you fly out of SeaTac! I said “see you tomorrow” to Ingvar (it was such a short trip but I was happy about it), then checked out the airport.

Security took about five minutes and there are only two gates. The airport felt very much like a lounge! It had fireplaces and a bar and nice couches. I did my make up, then got assigned my seat, 19a. It was a smaller plane, only two seats per row, and only about twenty rows. I boarded the plane, and we took off around seven. I tried to sleep the whole flight, since I slept only about four hours the night before, but the plane was really chilly! I probably got an hour of sleep, which is better than nothing, I suppose.

I landed at LAX around 9:30. I grabbed Starbucks for Haley and I, then she picked me up. It was a good to see her, but the cruise was only about two weeks prior, so it hadn’t been long. We had a busy day planned! We called and talked to Mom and Dad on our way to Haley’s place, where we changed and got ready to go to Universal Studios! I was seriously amped to go to the Wizarding World of Harry Potter! Dad paid for our tickets, since we didn’t go to Universal Studios Orlando, which was really nice! Thanks Dad! We took a Lyft to the theme park, since Haley lives so close, and then we wouldn’t need to deal with parking.

Universal Studios has an area around the park with restaurants and stores, called the City Walk. It’s kind of like Downtown Disney in Anaheim and Disney Springs in Orlando. We saw butterfly mural that was done by the same artist the Taylor Swift commissioned for her butterfly mural in Nashville, so that was a cool surprise. The weather was pretty chilly for LA—65! We were wearing sweatshirts, haha. Our main goal was to see Harry Potter World! We went right there and I was amazed! It really felt like I was in the movies! Haley and I got in line for the 4D ride, Harry Potter and the Forbidden Journey. I was a littler nervous because I don’t love those rides, but I wanted to try! The line was almost an hour and a half! The ride was pretty scary! Haley and I thought it would be like Soarin’ Over California at California Adventure, but it was must more interactive! I had to close my eyes for some of it, and I’ve basically decided that I don’t want to do 4D rides anymore, haha.

We had a bathroom break, then tried butterbeer! I had the slushee version and Haley had the cream soda version. It was actually so tasty! It was butterscotchy and super rich. We were hungry, so we shared a hot dog and chips, then went for the next ride, the Flight of the Hippogriff. It was a small roller coaster but it was actually really fun, and a much shorter wait! We checked out Olivander’s wand shop, and some other shops. I ended up getting a Griffandor shirt and a Hufflepuff keychain (I’m a Hufflepuff, so I was in disguise in the shirt, hahah). Haley and I took photos in front of Hogwarts, then wandered around the rest of the park. There were Simpson’s, Minions, and other areas. The Jurassic Park ride was closed, otherwise we would have done that! Haley got a hat and some candy, and we took photos with Shrek! That was so funny, haha. We walked around the whole park, then decided to go home to take a quick break and change for the reason I was in LA—Wango Tango, a music festival!

We took a Lyft home and saw Andy for a bit. He had bought a ticket with us, but couldn’t get his shift covered, which was a real bummer, since we saw Taylor Swift in concert at the Rose Bowl, last year, the three of us. I laid down for a half hour, then Haley and I changed and waited for her friend, Alexandra. Andy gave her his ticket, isn’t that nice? The three of us took a Lyft to Carson, where the concert was, at Digital Health Sports Park, formally StubHub Center.

The ride took about 45 minutes. The line for Wango Tango was insane! It took us about half an hour to get in, even though the doors had opened an hour earlier, at 5:30. I had wanted to arrive early, to see some of my swiftie friends, specifically the ones I went to Pittsburgh with, last August. It was almost seven when we got in, so we decided to get some logistics out of the way before getting to our seats. We got our wristbands to access our floor seats and took photos with the Wango Tango sign. We went to the bathroom and got drinks and food. Haley and I shared a mini cheese pizza and it was actually so good! We made it down to our seats and they were pretty good, I was so happy! We had the isle of row 9, in the second section back from the stage! I had better seats for the reputation tour, but they were still really close! Haley and Alexandra has never had such good seats, so that was really cool!

The concert was amazing! 5 Seconds of Summer was first, and I knew a few of their songs. Next up was a kpop (Korean pop) band, called Tomorrow X Together. They were really good dancers! I went up to the food area and met two girls from Twitter, Lee and Jordan, and that was really fun! Fletcher went next, with her song, Undrunk. It was so fun to be dancing and having fun with everyone! Alexandra is trying to make it in the music industry, so she was really fun to be around at, at a concert. Next up was Ava Max, who has a really popular song, Sweet But Psycho. My friends Matti and Bianca came and found me, and it was good to see them!

Ally Brooke came on next. I didn’t know any of her music, but she is a former member of Fifth Harmony. It definitely seemed like she was lip syncing, which was a bummer. She brought out Tyga, a rapper, for a song, and then it was onto the next, Halsey. Halsey has a ton of radio hits, and she put a really good show! Near the end of her set, we ran upstairs and went to the bathroom before the final acts, got a churro and some carne assada fries to share, and Haley and I both got Wango Tango long sleeves. It was a successful trip!

The next act was Zedd. Zedd is a DJ, and really famous. He put on a fun set with a ton of poppy songs mixed in. For some reason John Stamos introduced the next band, the Jonas Brothers! They recently got back together and haven’t put on many shows since then, so the crowd went wild. They played their new songs, Sucker and Cool, and some old ones, like Year 3000, which was so fun to dance to! Also, Hannah B., the current bachelorette on ABC was there and did an introduction, which was cool.

Finally, Taylor Swift was the final act. The reason I was in LA! She came out in a super cool rainbow outfit with a ton of fringe. It was amazing to see her again! The last concert I saw was in Pittsburgh, in August. She opened up with Shake It Off, and I was so happy! She played eight songs: Shake It Off, Blank Space, I Knew You Were Trouble., Love Story, Delicate, Style, We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together, and Me! Me! is her newest single, for her seventh album, but that’s all we really know! We don’t have an album name or release date, yet. Brandon Urie, the singer of Panic! at the Disco, is featured in that song, and she brought him out to sing with her. It was amazing to see her preform Me! for one of the first times live. A couple times a camera crew was filming me during Taylor Swift, especially when she was surprising us with We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together. I hope I can find that footage sometime!

After Me! Wango Tango was done. Of course, she ended the show with confetti. There were so many swifties that it felt like a Taylor Swift show, which was really cool! During Delicate at the reputation tour, the fans would scream “1, 2, 3, let’s go bitch!” in a pause (don’t ask, haha), and everyone did that at Wango Tango, which just shows how many swifties were there!

After the show ended, we waited for Sergio. We went to Pittsburgh together, so it was so good to see him! He had seat filler tickets, and was lucky enough to have pit tickets near the cat walk! That must have been so amazing! He was taking a Lyft home with us, so we could catch up, since I didn’t get to see him during the show. There wasn’t a designated ride share lot, so a security guard told us to go to the nearby 7-eleven, so that’s what we did. I guess Carson isn’t a great area, so I’m glad it was close by. Haley’s phone was the first to connect to a driver, so she took care of that for us. The ride back to Haley’s was much shorter than the drive to Carson, and we didn’t even have to wait long at the 7-eleven. Sergio and I got to catch up, which was so nice! He is a really genuine guy that I truly consider a friend.

There was some drama on the way home, though. Alexandra found out that her boyfriend had been lying and possibly cheating on her. Alexandra and Haley had been blocked for a social media post, but using my phone, she was able to see her boyfriend “dancing” with a “friend”. Alexandra is a big personality, so she called her boyfriend and his friends and her mom, and broke up with him. Wow, that’s really sad! We all got out at Haley’s, and Sergio took a short ride home. I’m so thankful that I got to see him!

Alexandra came up with Haley and I, and was definitely going through some hard stuff. Haley and I got ready for bed (I was sure tired!). We tried to console Alexandra, but there wasn’t much we could do to make her feel better. Around 1:30, she took a Lyft home, and Haley and I immediately fell asleep. Honestly, it was an amazing concert and I’m so glad I flew down for it! :]

[considertheturtle]

The Handmaid’s Tale Episode 5: Faithful

“They didn’t get everything. There was something inside her they couldn’t take away. She looked invincible.”

SOOOOOOOO many thoughts guys.

Have I talked about how show commander is so much more creepy than sad book commander. He was also a creep. But Joseph Fiennes is really taking it up a level. The way he lustfully watches her read a trashy women’s magazine.

Flashbacks to Luke are revealing. June was so light hearted and playful. 

Moira: “Oh, hey, (points) you look heterosexual.” LOL, Samira Wiley is the perfect Moira.

Invincible. 

I am so glad we get to see life before as a reminder of all that these women have lost. Dystopia can often feel otherworldly unless it’s grounded in the real world.

That kitchen flirting scene is the cutest thing I’ve ever scene. Nick doesn’t even try to be subtle.

“Don’t you have somewhere to be?” “Nope.”

And the adorable, schoolgirlish way she looks at him while eating her breakfast. So adorable. Show JunexNick are much cuter than the book version.

Only to be followed by that awkward conversation about trying to conceive with another man, mainly Nick. Oh crap. In the books there is no Nick ceremony. The show created kind of a rapey scenario for them which I didn’t like. But it also felt realistic for this particularly crazy world. This Serena seems like she would want as much control as possible. And I wonder if she ever knew about the additional, much more enjoyable time later on (more on that later). What would she think if she knew June was able to take ownership of her body and have a consensual closeness with someone.

Emily – You’re so not fine. Watching these women having to pretend to be fine when they are internally screaming. One more form of abuse in Gilead.

The flashback to Luke in the café. The flirting was really cute, but I struggle with people making infidelity sexy. So I’ll leave it at that, it felt sexy but wrong.

Ok, so the Nick ceremony. My discomfort with this scene is made a little less by how nervous and uncomfortable Nick is. If he had been excited or commander like I would have hated him, but he’s super jittery. Cuz you know, this is still rape too, and a decent human wouldn’t be comfortable with it.

Also, my how Serena is losing faith and taking things into her own hands.  “Should we pray first?” “No there’s no time.” That actually happened in the Bible too and led to additional problems. 

What a horrible way to have a first time with someone you’re actually interest in.

Well, at least Nick thought to make the bed. But watching Offred walking slowly towards it was a reminder of how she has absolutely no power over her own body. Serena can just decide to pass her off however she wants to as long as she gets what she wants. 

When he’s undoing his belt and the music was blurring, ugh, it felt really rapey. Except they both are really being raped here, in a way. By Serena. Or at least violated He didn’t have a choice either and I’m pretty sure he didn’t want it to happen this way. Does that make it better? I don’t think so. Except maybe this gives him a little insight into what her experience is like.

The eye contact, it’s like “is this okay? Are you okay? Crap, WTF am I doing?”

OfSteven (Emily) new family. Her wife seems to be kinder, more understanding of her situation. I don’t now that it does much good for Emily, but it lets us know there are some semi-decent people in Gilead.

Ugh, that poor girl, two ceremonies in one day. The level of abuse is ratcheting up, especially with the commander breaking protocol. His look of power and ownership and his touching of her leg. The sound of her internally telling him to “stop it” but not being able to say anything. Ugh, I’m shaking.

“I didn’t mind it. I don’t think you did either.” 1. Rapist. 2. Doesn’t the fact that she just told you never to do that again, means she did in fact “mind it”. 3. Creepy Rapist.

And then to pacify her  he provides her with a magazine. She is not 12. Ugh this scene makes me hate men for a second or two.

“We had choices then.”

“Now you have respect.” WHATTTTTTTTTTTT is that what you call respect? What the literal F? I cussed so much this episode.

“Fulfill your biological destiny in peace.” Why don’t you stop deciding for other people what their destiny is or how they go about peace?

Explaining the FGM on Emily, “We’re not without compassion.” I AM SOOOOOOOOO MAD! “It’s such a small problem”  Please please use those garden shears Offred.

This show makes me ssoooooooooo mad.

“We only wanted to make the world better.”

“Better never means better for everyone It always means worse for some.”

Time for garden shears.

That kitchen scene between Offred and Nick is so powerful. She was just forced to have sex with him. Had this awful encounter with the commander and then finds out Nick is an eye. 

But it's the words, “please don’t tell me what to do” that broke me. And I think it broke him to. There is so much guilt written over his face. It doesn’t make it better, but I like seeing that he’s not one dimensional. But ugh, the power dynamic. It’s just appalling. Even watching someone I like have that much power over her and then have him reveal he has even more. This world is so ugly.

Alexis Bledel’s eyes are just amazing. Finally getting to share her name with a friend. If Offred never gets to tell Emily her real name I’ll be pissed.

And then the most powerful melt down. I hope that ride felt really good. She found a way to seize some control. Praise be.

Offred in the study with Ms. Waterford and the garden shears. Perfect for clue.

“They didn’t get everything.”

Never have I ever been so excited for someone to have sex in my whole life. That scene at the end is the most triumphant  use of intimacy I’ve ever seen. Two scenes earlier she told him, “Please don’t tell me what to do.” And in that scene you can see she is completely in control. Nick’s hands remain at his sides. There’s even a moment where he goes to help remove a garment and then he pulls back.

You could feel the tides turning a bit this episode. And after so much utter oppression, some are starting to stand up. To claim whatever freedom they can find. 

[scurvgirl]

Something Cute, Something Unexpected

The news has been terrible every day for a very long time now and I just wanted to write something happy. I saw a video of a caracal and it was so cute and someone made a comment on the video about a fennec and well, I thought how cute it would be if a caracal kitten and a little fennec played, which of course made me think of Mealla.

So, here’s something cute and fluffy.

Mealla and Aili belong to @lillotte17

Uthvir belongs to @feynites

Set in a GL AU

Lasvala’s family is visiting their aunt who works for June. She’s nice, they guess, she likes to wear some weird things, but there are lots of pillows in her apartment and Lasvala loves pillows. Babae is happy too, he hasn’t seen his sister in forever, he says, but Nenae says it’s just been ten years. That seems like a long time to Lasvala though, so they think Babae can be melo-dra-ma-tic like Nenae says. Papae couldn’t come though, and they’re sad about that. He said that he has some important pieces to make and that’s why he has to stay, he told them to still have fun, so they’ll try.

On the fourth day of the visit, Babae and Auntie Veneth decide they want to go to this special park. There are big fountains that go whoosh which sounds very exciting. Nenae lets them ride on their back all the way there. They love riding on Nenae’s back, they’re so tall so Lasvala can see everything. They have to be careful to not pull on Nenae’s hair, so Lasvala pushes it over their shoulder so they can lean up to look at the surrounding area.

It’s different from Mythal’s area, that’s for sure. It’s less fancy but lots weirder. Not a bad weird, but it reminds them of when Nenae surprises them coming home and jumps out from around a corner.

They make it to the park and Aunti Veneth sets out a blanket while Babae works on taking out all their lunch food.

“’M hungry,” they say and Babae nods.

“Yes, baby, I know. Here, I brought you grapes,” he says and hands them a small box of grapes. They’re Lasvala’s favorite! The light green kind that are nice and sweet. They try to fit as many as they can into their mouth and squish’em all at once.

“Lasvala, you are making a big mess,” Babae clucks but it makes Nenae laugh. They reach in and grab an orange wedge and hold it in their mouth to make an orange mouth!

“Hahaha!” They laugh. Their nenae is so silly!

Auntie Veneth sighs but Babae chuckles as he hands them their sandwich. Peanut butter and banana! Their favorite!

After they eat and rest a bit because Babae says that’s important for die-ge-shun. Auntie Veneth plays her little harp for a bit and it’s very pretty. Lasvala reaches over to see how she’s doing it but she pulls it out of their reach.

“Veneth, let them look, they won’t hurt it, right Lasvala?” Babae says and Lasvala nods.

“I can be gentle! Like with Papae’s turtles,” they say. Aunti Veneth slowly lowers the harp to show them how she plucks at the strings to make music. They are very careful touching it. Like a big turtle.

It’s really neat, they think. The wood is smooth and the strings make really pretty noises, but it’s also a little boring after a moment. Nenae knows, because they always know, and directs them over to the grass.

“Irathar, my heart, come play with us,” Nenae says and Babae stands up, turning all pink.

“Very well. What would you like to play, little one?”

They giggle and run up to him, pressing their hand to his knee.

“TAG!” They scream before turning and running.

“Oh you got me!” Babae says.

“BABAE’S IT!” They shout, continuing to run as fast they can towards a small copse of trees.

“Eee!” Nenae shouts making Lasvala laugh and stumble into the trees. They quickly pick themselves up and continue to run through the bushes until they come to the other side.

They’re breathing heavily and very excited but when they turn around they don’t see Babae or Nenae. They blink and walk back into the trees, trying to remember where they were running so they can retrace their steps. Papae says that retracing steps is very important, they should know how to do it. But they were running super fast like Nenae taught them.

“Where’d you go, baby?” They hear. It doesn’t sound like their Babae, but it also does. They walk towards the voice, stepping over leaves and larger sticks.

“Nenae!” They shout, climbing over a log.

“Babae!”

“Who you shouting for?” Another voice says – and it’s coming from the log they’re on!

“Who’s that?!” They ask, shimmying up to edge of the log. They peer over the edge to see…someone like them, but also not like them.

“I’m Mealla,” she says, emerging from the log, “wa’s your name?”

“Lasvala. Are you a forest person?” They ask. They’ve never met a forest person before, but Mealla laughs and shakes her head.

“No! I’m a girl, you’re silly.”

“You’re in a log!” They say, to assure her that she too is silly.

“And you’re on top of one!” She says back. It’s a good reply.

“Okay, we’re both silly.”

“There you are, Mealla. Who’s this?” A grownup appears out from behind a tree and Mealla wiggles out of the log to run up to them.

“Tha’s Lasvala. They’re silly.”

“I’m sure they are. Lasvala, where are your parents?” They ask and Lasvala shrugs.

“I don’t know. I was running and then I stopped and then I didn’t hear them anymore.”

The grownup inhales and holds out their hand.

“I’ll help you find them. Can you point to where you last saw them?”

They scramble off the log and take the grownup’s hand then point to where they came from.

“Over there.”

“Alright, let’s go over there and look for them. What are your parent’s names?” The grownup asks as they begin to walk towards where Lasvala pointed. Mealla holds onto their other hand.

“My Nenae’s name is Courage ‘cuz they’re a fierce warrior for Lady Mythal. And Babae’s name is Irathar. Papae’s name is Mystery ‘cuz he works for Lord Dir…Dirf…D-ir-fa-men.” They say. Their ears twitch and their bracelet starts to make a very loud noise. They yell and shake their hand. Nenae always said that if they got lost the bracelet would make noise, but it’s so loud!

“LASVALA!” They hear and it sounds like their Babae.

Soon enough Nenae emerges looking very upset. They run over to Lasvala who lets go of the other grownup just in time for Nenae to pick them up.

“I’m here, little one, I’m here.”

“’M okay, Nenae.” They pat Nenae’s shoulder and soon Babae shows up. They wave at him and he places a hand on his chest before rushing up to them, touching their cheeks.

“Oh thank goodness you’re safe,” he says, running his hands through their hair.

“I’m okay!” They say again but Nenane doesn’t let go.

“I know, baby, you’re so brave. But you give us such frights when you do this,” Babae says softly. They begin to squirm to look back around at the other grownup and Mealla.

“They helped me! And that’s Mealla! She’s a log person,” they announce.

“Am not! A frog jumped in there, I went after it!” Mealla protests. Nenae keeps Lasvala close, their strong arms securing them to their chest.

“Thank you for assistance,” Nenae says and the other grownup nods.

“Of course, children should not be lost.”

And then another grownup shows up! She stumbles in through the brush, small like the other grownup and looks like Mealla.

“There you two are, I was getting nervous – oh, hello.”

“That’s Lasvala, and their parents!” Mealla says, being helpful. Lasvala waves and she waves back.

“How exciting!”

Nenae shifts their hold on Lasvala to shake the new grownup’s hand, “Courage, I take it you are Mealla’s mother?”

“Er, yes, what exactly happened?”

“I ran too fast and got lost,” Lasvala says, then points to the other grownup, “they found me.”

The new grownup smiles, “I’m glad everything turned out well. I am Aili and this is Uthvir, you already know Mealla.”

Babae steps forward and smiles a little weird, “I am Irathar, pleased to make your acquaintance.”

Lasvala begins to wiggle again but Nenae holds them fast. They flop against their parent’s shoulder and huff.

“Nanae, can I play with Lasvala?” Mealla asks softly.

“I don’t know, it sounds like they gave their parents a scare –

“I wanna play too!” Lasvala says.

Nenae sighs but doesn’t let them go, “We have a little picnic set up, if you would like to join us?”

There is a pause and Lasvala wriggles around to look back at Mealla and her parents.

“That could be nice, we can gather our things and have a little impromptu playdate,” Aili says and Mealla raises her arms.

“Yay!”

Nenae and Babae lead Mealla and her parents out of the trees and to the field. Nenae still doesn’t put them down though, but at least they get to feel all tall and stuff.

“We’re up there, by the fountain,” Babae points.

“I’ll go get our things,” Mealla’s Nanae says and walks back towards the trees.

“Nenaaaae,” Lasvala whines, but they don’t put them down until they get back to the blanket. Auntie Veneth runs over from her spot by the fountain and cups Lasvala’s face.

“Oh thank goodness you’re alright,” she says and they push her hands away to stand up and walk over to Mealla.

“Babae says it’s polite to give food, are you hungry?” They ask and she shakes her head.

“No thank you. There’s a bunch of cool bugs over there,” she says, pointing towards a lone tree.

“Can we go?” Lasvala turns to Nenae and they smile.

“I will go with you.”

Babae and Mealla’s Mamae also come with them, walking very closely to them.

“I’m seven,” Lasvala says. They think Mealla must be really young because she’s so little but she perks up.

“I’m six!”

“But you’re small!”

“So? You’re big and not a hundred,” she says and that’s true. They are big. But not as big as Nenae. But Nenae is huge.

They make it to the tree and Mealla goes to her knees, “Look!” She lifts a large piece of bark to reveal lots of shiny green bugs crawling around in the muck.

“COOOOOL!” Lasvala shouts, crouching down next to her. They reach out and gently touch a particularly large beetle. The shell is smooth but there are little grooves in it that catch the light and turn a different color. It kinda looks pink?

Mealla pokes at a longer bug with a bunch of legs and the entire thing lights up as it skitters away. Mealla giggles with delight and both of them follow it through the dirt and around a large protruding root. A dragon fly with glittering wings takes flight off the root.

Mealla watches the dragonfly while Lasvala gets distracted by a chipmunk dashing out from under the root. They don’t think, they just jump, their body vibrating with magic. When they land it’s on four paws instead of two feet and they chase after the chipmunk.

“Hey!” They hear Mealla shout, and their Nenae shouts and so does Mealla’s Mamae. They chase after the chipmunk and the air vibrates again. They turn around to see a fox with the biggest ears they’ve ever seen! They know the chipmunk got away but a fox is much more fun.

They jump back and the fox forward. They laugh and run around and the fox follows. They’re bigger and they manage to jump to the fox’s side and they pat at it.

“Hey!” That’s Mealla’s voice! Oh!

“You’re fox!”

“You’re a…kitty!” Mealla says and then their nenae walks over to them. They look so much bigger from down here.

“A caracal, the most amazing little caracal I have ever seen,” they coo and lean down, gathering Lasvala in their arms. Their giant hand comes down over Lasvala’s had and apparently very tall tufted ears.

They look up at their nenae who looks like they’re about to cry but they’re smiling so big, the kind of smile when Lasvala had finished their first book by themselves.

“Let’s go show Babae!” Nenae declares and promptly heads over to the blanket.

No! They want to play with Mealla!

“Nenae!”

“You can still play but let’s show Babae first,” they amend. When they squirm and manage to look behind them, Mealla’s Mamae has her in a similar hold.

“What in the world – Courage, what are you holding?” Babae asks, rushing over to Nenae.

“Babae, it’s me!”

His eyes bug out and Lasvala laughs because he always looks funny like that. He reaches out and touches their fur and his face goes soft.

“Oh look at you, baby!” He coos and takes them from Nenae’s arms. They let him hug them for a moment before they squirm.

“I wanna plaaaay!” They cry and he sighs but he puts them down.

“Fine, but be careful!” He warns just as Mealla pounces and wrestles them to the ground.

For the next hour of play, Lasvala thinks that Babae almost faints like five times. By the end, Lasvala can’t help but shift back into their original form. They are so tired and they promptly flop into their Nenae’s lap. They look over to see Mealla do the same with their nanae.

The grownups talk a bit, all boring stuff that they’re too tired to listen to. They feel Nenae pick them up and they turn to wave at Mealla.

“Bye-bye,” they say on a yawn.

“Bye-bye,” she replies, sounding already half asleep.

“Let’s get you to your nap, little one,” Nenae says and for once, they don’t protest.

[hope-for-olicity]

Always a Bridesmaid 2/4

Felicity must return to her hometown for the first time since high school to stand in her friend Sara’s wedding.  While many things have changed for Felicity some have not and she has begun to wonder what happened to her old high school crush Oliver Queen.

This is for all, who like me, have had the privilege of being a bridesmaid.

Thanks so much for all the lovely comments and reblogs on Chapter One - I am beyond flattered and grateful for all those who took the time to read my story.

Thanks so much to @mel-loves-all for the beautiful edit and to @almondblossomme for proofing!  Also available on AO3 where you can also find Chapter 1.

                                  Chapter 2: Feels Like Home

June 2017

As Felicity stepped off the train in Star City, she thought how crazy it was that she never bothered to visit. It really was only a couple hours by train but she had not been back since her high school graduation.

As she pulled her weekend bag into the train station terminal she expected to be greeted by a very excited Sara. She looked around. Alas, no Sara.

“Felicity Smoak?”

Felicity looked. She was surprised to see the one and only Oliver Queen walking toward her. Panic set in. “I can do this.”

“You can do what? Whatever it is I’m sure you can.” Oliver teased her.

“Oh, I didn’t mean to say that out loud. I just meant this weekend. I’m a little nervous to be back in Star City after all this time. Speaking of long time, it’s nice to see you Oliver. I’m just waiting for Sara Lance, she must be running late.”

“She’s actually not going to make it. She called me to pick you up as she’s having car trouble. I know I’m a poor substitute for Sara, but I hope you’ll accept a ride from me.” Oliver had to admit he was nervous.

Gone was the goth computer girl he knew in high school. Here stood the CEO of her own successful tech company and her hair had gone from black to blonde and did he see a pink streak? Maybe there was bit of the old Felicity still in there.

“Oliver, you are starring.”

“Oh sorry, it’s just you look very different.”

“Yes, I forgot you wouldn’t have seen this, she touched her hair. I began dying it blonde after college. Thought it made me look more professional and then I grew to like it”

“I like it too.” Oliver blushed.

“Thanks. And of course, I’ll accept a ride from you Mayor Handsome.”

“Oh not you too!”

“Come on, someone gives you a nickname like that it has to be used!” she teased.

“Can I take that for you?” Oliver gestured toward her weekend bag.

“No worries, it has wheels. I’m all good.” When Oliver looked a little disappointed, she said “Thanks so much for offering though.”

They began walking side by side toward the parking lot.

“No problem. Need to show you some Star City hospitality so you will come back and visit, all the way from Central City.”

“Yes, no need to tease. It is ridiculous that I haven’t been back when I live so close. Oh well, I’m here now and I will be back in July again.”

“That’s my jeep over there,” Oliver gestured toward a black jeep.

Felicity followed a few steps behind him and could not help but admire the view. The years had been kind to Oliver. There was a reason for the Mayor Handsome nickname.  For a moment, she thought maybe Sara’s car trouble was a ploy. But no, Sara didn’t know about her crush on Oliver. That was a secret she even tried to keep from herself in high school - lots of denial.

“Hey, you alright? You suddenly got very quiet.”

“Oh fine. Sorry, just tired.”

Oliver put her bag in the trunk and walked over to open the passenger side door for her.

“Wow. You really are trying to impress me with this city’s hospitality. I think you will make a great Mayor Oliver.”

“Thanks,” Oliver blushed.

“I’m not surprised you know. Remember when we did that project back in high school? The one on Alexander Hamilton?” God, she hoped he remembered or she’d feel like a fool.

“Of course, and I remember you running away after. I wondered if I’d done something wrong.”

“Oh God No, Oliver! You did everything right. I mean, you did everything right, but  it wasn’t what you did, because you did good things, like the presentation, that was good, are you going to stop me?”

“No,” Oliver smiled. “I always loved when you babbled. Although, I usually just observed from a distance. But what did you mean it wasn’t what I did?”

“It was so long ago, and believe me it would not have gone down this way now, but Laurel threatened me. She told me to stay away from her man and I was scared. Thinking back I don’t know what she would have done, but she had been a dominating figure in my life for a number of years so I just kept my distance. I actually thought you were nice. It was your girlfriend I feared.”

“Oh Felicity, I’m so sorry!”

“Don’t you dare apologize for Laurel Lance! It was almost twenty years ago. At this point I don’t even need an apology from her. I just wanted you to know why.”

Felicity had been looking out the window as they had been talking. “Boy, this place has changed. More big buildings then I remember.”

“Yeah, I’m on the Chamber of Commerce and we have managed to attract some pretty big companies to settle here in Star City. It’s close to Central City but cheaper.”

“Good to know.”

“I actually own a cafe here in town with my partner John Diggle. Maybe you will get a chance to swing by while you are here. Sara and Nyssa are regulars.”

Felicity was a little shocked. “No Queen Consolidated?”

“No, someone told me long ago to think bigger and I kind of took that to heart.” Oliver held his breath for a moment, hoping he hadn’t given too much away. He didn’t want her to think he was creepy remembering their one conversation from high school so well.

“I’m glad you did what makes you happy Oliver. I hope I’m not presumptuous but you seem happy.”

“I am happy.”

“Well that is great.”

“What about you Felicity? What do you do in Central City?” He knew the answer but he had to ask. It’s not like he could say I Googled you as soon as Sara said you were coming home.

“God, there is no way to say this without sounding pompous. I run my own tech company.” She looked away as though embarrassed.

“I would have expected nothing less for you! You always were a genius. Didn’t you start college early?”

“Yes, I’m surprised you remembered that.”

But Oliver remembered everything.

Olive pulled up in front of Sara and Nyssa’s house. It was a quaint bungalow built in the 1970s. “We are here. It was nice seeing you again Felicity. Don’t be a stranger while you are in town, okay?”

“Thanks so much for the ride. I hope to see you again before I leave but if not I’ll see you at our wedding.”

Oliver watched Felicity’s turn pinker as she realized what she said.

“Not OUR wedding...I don’t know why I said that! Sara’s wedding. No need to get out I’ll grab my bag from the back.”

Oliver smiled and waved. It wasn’t until she said it that he thought what it might be like to marry someone like Felicity Smoak and all he could think of was not bad, not bad at all.

*****

Felicity didn’t even get to knock on the door before Sara opened it “YOU’RE HERE!!!!”

“I’m here and ready to party! So sorry, to hear about your car.”

“My car?” Sara looked confused.

“You know that it broke down? It did break down, right?”

“Oh! Yes, my car! Totally car problems!”

“Sara...did you lie about car problems to have Oliver Queen pick me up?”

“Maybe...don’t be mad. It’s just that he’s so nice and you are so nice and you asked about each other and being in love is awesome.” Sara shrugged her shoulders.

Felicity raised her eyebrow and tried to give Sara a glare but she wasn’t really mad. “Okay, I see you were trying to do good. So you are forgiven. Why would you think I like Oliver Queen?”

“Well, I knew probably before you did, that you liked him in high school.” Felicity opened her mouth to respond. “Don’t even try to deny it. I’m your best friend and sometimes I know you better than you do. Besides he was dating Laurel so I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable by bringing it up. But Laurel was super worried about you. She honestly thought Oliver was going to leave her for you. Apparently, he talked about you a lot.”

“Wow. I have to sit down.” Felicity sat on Sara’s sofa. “That’s a lot to digest.”

“Here let me get you a drink, what would like? Water?”

“Do you have anything stronger?”

“Yep, I’ll be right back.”

As Felicity sat and waited for Sara to return, she tried to process what Sara had just said. Sara knew about her crush on Oliver AND Laurel said Oliver talked about her!  Then she kindly reminded herself this was all almost twenty years ago. Calm down. Remain calm.

Sara returned carrying two large glasses of red wine. “Okay, I know you are freaking out. Let me have it.”

“I’ve actually contained my freakout by putting it all into perspective.” Felicity hoped that she sounded so logical and mature.

“And this perspective is?”

“Basically, this is all old news and has no relevance in the present.”

“Okay...so there was no sparkage when you saw Oliver today. You had no interest in him?”

“I mean he looks good. Like REALLY good. I can’t believe you didn’t mention how good he looks!”

“Hey! I told you they were calling him Mayor Handsome.” Sara smiled.

“You did.” Felicity blushed a little.

“So, there was sparkage?” Sara prodded.

“Look, I don’t know if there was sparkage for him, but I’d be lying if I didn’t say I hoped to see him again. Did Laurel really think I was a threat to their relationship in high school? That’s just unthinkable.”

“She did.” Sara nodded. “And now Oliver and Laurel are long over, so tell me Ms. Smoak are you interested?”

“Maybe.”

“Maybe?!” Sara squeed!! “This is so awesome.”

“Calm down Sara. We live in different cities and if there was a chance he thought I was nice in high school, we don’t know what he thinks now. He could have a girlfriend.”

“He doesn’t.”

“How can you be so sure?”

“Trust me I know. And I would never have done this if I didn’t think there was a chance.”

“Honey I’m home,” Nyssa walked in the door. “Oh Felicity, you made it!” Felicity got up to give Nyssa a hug.

“Congrats to you Nyssa. I know I said it on the phone but this is the first time I’m seeing you in person.”

“Thanks so much! I’m a lucky lady.” She smiled shyly over at Sara. “So, what were you two talking about? I see I need to get some wine.” She quickly went into the kitchen to get herself a glass.

Felicity didn’t say anything and Sara looked over to see if she minded if they clued Nyssa in on their conversation. “You are going to tell her anyway, don’t look all innocent at me Sara Lance.” Felicity tried to sound angry but she really wasn’t.

Nyssa walked back in with her glass of wine.

“We were talking about Felicity’s sparkage with Oliver Queen.”

“Oh this sounds delightful!” Nyssa took a seat next to Felicity on the sofa. “So do you like him? He really is a nice guy. He works a lot between the cafe and running for Mayor but I’m a little shocked that he’s single.”

“I would say…” Sara and Nyssa were hanging on Felicity’s every word. “I’m not not interested.”

“That’s a double negative - makes a positive!” Sara exclaimed.

“Well Sara and I usually go to Oliver’s cafe for brunch on Saturdays. No need to change our regular plans. And you are more than welcome to join. You are our guest after all. And when it comes down to it we should eat before all the drinking! See, I’m just looking out for your well-being.” Nyssa smiled.

“Wow. You are really rubbing off on her Sara! I’m sold on brunch - with or without Oliver Queen.”

“Sounds like a plan. Now that we have solved brunch. How about some dinner? I made my Dad’s famous spaghetti and meatballs. I’ll put the spaghetti on if you are ready to eat?”

*****

Felicity woke before Sara and Nyssa the next morning.  

She really liked their two bedroom bungalow. It was small but cozy. Filled with lovely art, knick knacks and books that were a lovely combination of Sara and Nyssa. She was so happy for her friends. They really did compliment each other.

Luckily Sara had the same Keurig as her own so she was able to quickly make her own cup of coffee. She used the time to herself to catch up on the news and her social media sites.

Maybe it was because she was thinking of him but when she decided to check the Star City Chronicle site a profile on Mayor Handsome was the first thing she saw. She could not help but read.

She was so engrossed in the story that she didn’t hear Sara come into the kitchen until she made a quiet “ahem” over her shoulder.

Felicity practically jumped out of her seat. Not that she was doing anything wrong. She was just learning about local politics.

“Anything interesting?” Sara said with a smile.

“I was just looking at the local news site and the profile was there, so I read it, I mean it would have been weird if I didn’t read it. I mean I went to highschool with the guy so it’s good to find out what your classmates are up to.” Felicity started to blush.

“So, what is your classmate up to?” Sara teased.

“Well it says right here that he is a successful businessman and community leader.” Felicity points at the computer screen.

“No comment on his love life?”

“The article implies that he is single but that could just mean not married.” Felicity says pointedly.

“It could. But it’s a good think your best friend knows better.” Sara winks. “I’m going to go see if Nyssa is up, once she is, are you ready to head out to see Mayor Handsome himself?”

Felicity chugs the rest of her coffee and closes her laptop. “Yep, I’ll go get ready now.” She wouldn’t admit it to Sara but she was looking forward to seeing Oliver again.

By the time, Felicity came out of the guest room, Sara and Nyssa were sitting in the living room ready to go.

“Well, don’t you look pretty.” Sara said checking Felicity out.

“I saw that.” Nyssa teases Sara. “Good thing I know you are going to marry me.”

Sara leans over and kisses Nyssa. “Yes I am.”

“Aww so sweet! Sara, were you teasing or is this okay?” Felicity looks down at her outfit. She is wearing a pair faded capri jeans with a few strategically placed holes, paired with a pale pink sweater with chiffon underlay peeking out from the bottom. Felicity thought it looked cute. She topped the outfit with a pair of charcoal grey converse ballet flats. Her hair was in a ponytail and she wore her glasses. She’d worn shiny lip gloss instead of lipstick to keep with her casual look. She knew she might be trying too hard to look casual.

“You look great. It’s only brunch, right?”

Felicity blushed and nodded.

*****

When they arrived at the cafe, Sara and Nyssa walked to their regular booth and Felicity took a seat opposite.

A man, who was not Oliver, came over to take their order.

“Hey John, this is Felicity Smoak my bridesmaid. She went to high school with us.”

“Hey Felicity, nice to meet you.” John gave her a kindly smile and then turned back to Sara and Nyssa “I know what you guys want, grilled cheese and fries with Diet Cokes.” They nodded.

He turned back to Felicity “What about you?”

“I’m totally in for the grilled cheese sandwich, fries and Diet Coke but can I also get one of those yummy muffins you have on display over there?”

“Sure thing. Those muffins are one of the things the cafe is known for.”

John walked away from the table and Felicity tried to casually look around for Oliver.

“He’s not here.” Sara stated.

“Oh.”

“If Oliver were here, he’d have come over by now.”

“I see.” Felicity looked out the window. It was hard to hide her disproportionate disappointment.

“Hey, let’s talk about tonight. It’s going to be a blast!” Sara sounded seriously pumped.

“Can’t wait!” A party with her friends was exactly what she needed to forget this silly crush.

“We’ve asked everyone to come to our place first for some drinks before we head out to a few bars for some dancing.” Nyssa began to dance in her seat next to Sara.

They talked a bit more about which bars to hit and who else was coming.

“I think this is going to be a great night. I’m ready to start drinking right now.” Felicity laughed.

“I thought we didn’t sell alcohol in this establishment.”

Felicity looked up surprised to see Oliver. She knew she probably didn’t do a good job hiding her happy.

Oliver smiled down at her. He had campaign stuff to do this morning but he’d asked John to text him if Sara came in. He didn’t want to miss a moment with Felicity Smoak.

“No alcohol yet...breakfast first, then alcohol!” Sara cheered!

Oliver motioned for Felicity to move into the booth so he could slide in next to her. She did but they were now sitting so close she could swear she could feel the heat coming off his body. Oh my she had it bad.

“So ladies, how much trouble are you going to get into tonight?” Oliver looked directly at Sara.

“Hey!” She held her hands up. “I don’t always cause trouble.”

“Besides she has me to help her with it or out of it now.” Nyssa put her arm around Sara.

“And where does that leave you?” Oliver turned to look at Felicity.

God were his eyes always that blue? “Having fun.”

“Well, that sounds like a plan. I see John on his way with your lunches ladies. Maybe I’ll see you around.” Oliver stood up from the booth. He turned to leave and then turned back. “Enjoy your muffin Felicity.”

Sara and Nyssa waved, Felicity looked back at them. “What’s with the muffin comment?”

“Oliver makes the muffins.” Sara smiled as Felicity blushed.

*****

Sara and Nyssa bachelorette party was EPIC. Felicity knew this because they shouted it many times throughout the night.

She tried to hide it but she was spelling herself off a bit throughout the night with water. She wasn’t a big drinker anymore and she wanted to last for the whole party. That is not to say she was sober - far from it.

As the bachelorette crew entered what Felicity suspected would be their last bar given the hour she heard the song Like a Prayer by Madonna begin to play. She dragged the girls onto the dance floor. They were all dressed in black with bright pink boas. Felicity was wearing fitted short black dress with heels that no amount of alcohol made her forget she was still wearing.

She was busy standing laughing at one of Sara’s dance moves when the song ended and a slow song began. She felt a tap on her shoulder and turned around to see what she could only describe as a drunk frat boy.

“Do you, you want to dance?”

“No thanks, I’m here with my friends and we were about to get a drink.” Felicity turned to walk away and the guy grabbed her arm. Felicity was a little surprised and was about to shake him off when she felt his hand being removed. She looked up to see Oliver.

“The lady said no. Walk it off.” He gave the guy a look that had most men peeing in their pants. The guy quickly took off.

“Oliver Queen are you crashing the bachelorette party?” Felicity smiled as she tipped a little.

“Why yes I am. But it was more like the bachelorette party found me. I didn’t know you guys would hit this bar.”

“It was my suggestion. I always wanted to see what this place looked like inside and when I lived here I was far too young.”

“What about these,” Oliver tugged on her boa, “your idea too?”

“Yes, actually. It’s so we don’t lose anyone. There are ten of us so I count nine boas before we leave each bar.”

Oliver raised an eyebrow in that sexy way of his.

“Hey, I can count to nine.” Probably not twenty, but he didn’t need to know that.

Another slow song started to play. This time Felicity recognized it as Feels Like Home by Chantal Kreviazuk. She had loved this song when she was younger.

“Will you dance with me Miss Smoak?” he held his hand.

Before Felicity could think better of it she took his hand and let him lead her to the floor. As she danced and listened to the lyrics she realized how much they rang true for her in this moment. Boy, was she in trouble.

The song ended and Oliver kept holding her. Truthfully, he didn’t want to let go. It felt so right to have her in his arms. The good news was Felicity didn’t let go either.

The lights came on in the club to signal it was closing. The ugly lights they used to call them. But Felicity looked anything but ugly.

“I guess I should gather my pink boas up!” She pulled back from his embrace. It was nice seeing you Oliver. Maybe I’ll see you again in July?

“Definitely.”

So hope you enjoyed. Below are the lyrics and a link to Feels Like Home in case you are interested.

Feels Like Home

Lyrics by Randy Newman

Performed by Chantal Kreviazuk

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t-ouxPhYy7Y

Something in your eyes

Makes me want to lose myself

Makes me want to lose myself

In your arms

There's something in your voice

Makes my heart beat fast

Hope this feeling lasts

The rest of my life

If you knew how lonely my life has been

And how long I've been so alone

If you knew how I wanted someone to come along

And change my life the way you've done

It feels like home to me

It feels like home to me

It feels like I'm all the way back where

I come from

It feels like home to me

It feels like home to me

Feels like I'm all the way back where I belong

A window breaks down a long dark street

And a siren wails in the night

But I'm alright 'cause I have you here with me

And I can almost see through the dark there is light

If you knew how much this moment means to me

And how long I've waited for your touch

If you knew how happy you are making me

I never thought that I'd love anyone so much

It feels like home to me

It feels like home to me

It feels like I'm all the way back where

I come from

It feels like home to me

It feels like home to me

Feels like I'm all the way back where I belong

|| @almondblossomme || @emmaamelia95 || @mel-loves-all || @coal000 || @stygian-omada-fan || @vaelisamaza || @tdgal1 || @laurabelle2930 || @lalawo1 || @oliverfel4 || @felicity-said–yes || @geneshaven || @nalla-madness || @captainolicitysbedroom || @pleasantfanandstudent || @spaztronautwriter || @dmichellewrites || @memcjo || @charlinert || @marytagus || @miriam1779 || @mammashof || @wherethereissmoak || @bringbackianto || @jaspertown || @scu11y22 || @chachurka ||

[rplam]

Goodbye, 2018!

You were kind of… intense, to say the least.

January:    Started the year off kind of… rocky. I wasn’t talking to Matchy at the time and I had just gotten into a relationship with egg boy– I moved back into the dorms and started my spring semester with 17 or 18 units!!! :D. I was really in love, to say the least. I thought I’d found someone to spend the rest of my life with, tbh.

February:   I broke down crying because I couldn’t finish my first CS61B project despite having stayed up all night working on it– I was so disappointed and I was so stressed out that I wouldn’t be able to do pass the class if it continued at that rate. I remember crying and crying and some girl approached me and asked if I was okay, gave me a hug. Thank you Olivia from the fourth floor! I’m doing okay now! This month was also Valentine + egg boy’s birthday! Woah dude the excitement that came with running home to gifts and having egg boy visit Berkeley. It was really surreal, living out what I saw as my dream date at the time and being able to spend time with him and be cuddly. It was really bittersweet when he left, and unfortunately I was too nauseous when he started crying on me before he left to actually do much LOL. Also the first time I got tipsy! Lots of fun!

March:    Things got a little bit rough and intense. Egg boy and I argued over space and such, and we broke up. I really tried super hard to work things out because it was sort of left on ambiguous terms, and I wanted to help him figure out what was going on in his life. Classes went okay! I probably had a breakdown over midterms but I can’t really remember at this point. I reconnected with Matchy! It was very fulfilling and things were a bit difficult but I definitely am glad I did so.

April:    Spring break! I came out to my mom which did not go well, but it was nice to feel the support of my siblings. Things kind of just blew over at this point, and egg boy and I hung out again and sort of made up. We watched Love, Simon and I cried on him like the 12 year old I am. We went shopping and had korean bbq, it was really good; and then we kind of talked about what the future might be like for us. And then a few days later we broke up for real– blocked me and everything. I think my baby girl passed this month as well. It was really rough for me and I kind of couldn’t really hold it together. I think I tried going on a date with waffle boy but that was… not great. I think I just took myself off dating at that point.

May:   At this point, I had been pretty active on my finsta. I’d been slowly trying to understand things. I made it through finals and did well enough! Egg boy wanted to come back into my life and me, not being over him entirely, allowed this and explored the idea of getting back with him. He hit me with the “I don’t want to lose you but I’m not ready for a relationship” over and over and over and over and started calling me baby and stuff. It was– a tad frustrating. I played lots of smite!

June:    We hung out again– within minutes he was being cuddly and affectionate and constantly mumbling “I don’t want to lose you but I am not ready for a relationship” and I was so so so so hurt. I wanted so badly to understand what he was going through– figure out why things were so hard for him. What I didn’t realize was how much of myself I was losing in the process. I went to Gina’s 18th birthday and looked really fancy (took hella selfies LOL)

July:   I finally cut connections with egg boy. It was really hard of course, but ultimately I think it was the best decision for me. I finally had space to breathe and start focusing on the things around me. I spent a lot of time playing siege with Mikey and Matchy and enjoying my summer.

August:    KCON! I had such a wonderful amazing time with Makenna & Erica at KCON and I got standing tickets and I just– I want to have the confidence to let loose a little bit more. We went to LA and drove around a bunch; I started packing to move back to Berkeley and things went swell. I got back to Berkeley! And I met… someone particularly interesting.

September:    I got super close to his dogs! It was really cool and I am so glad I got along well with Sydney! I left my stinky bracelet and kind of pushed my way into his life oops. Classes at this point were going alright– a bit hard but normal. I started my tumblr, and began posting Instagram stories!

October:    Things got a bit problematic when I realized that I liked him a bit more than I should. I discovered maple cookies and wanted to share this wonderful little thing with him so I ran across campus to get boba and bring maple cookies. That was the most interesting uber ride oh my god.

November:   I told him I liked him, like a big smelly dummy. I got a sort of weird reply, so I think at this point I took it as ambiguity for a while– and then I sort of began to take it as rejection and tried to move on. I met tea egg kiddo and thought he was cool! He played siege and league and seemed to get along well enough with my friends. Chiyu passed away this month, and I put the butterfly emoji in my bio in honor of that. I really– I really miss her and wish I had been more present in her life. Tea egg kiddo became dangerously attached and I realized painstakingly that my crush was not going away. I had a straight up anxiety attack and stayed up all night to make sure he was okay, and to this day I can’t help but blame myself. I spent a few weeks with my babies and they made me feel a lot better, and I snuggled with them and woke up to them and oof what a wonderful week. I asked about my crush and it turns out it wasn’t entirely rejection, so I decided I would just stay by his side and help him figure things out before I worry about how I feel. I came out to my dad and began arguing with my parents. He and I spent Thanksgiving together! I kind of wanted to the whole time but didn’t say anything until the day of because I was being stupid and playing the whole “if he doesn’t invite me he don’t WANT me” game which is… in retrospect so childish…. Regardless, it was nice even though the beef was rather shitty, hopefully I can make it better from now on!

December:    My birth month! Finals went kind of roughly despite me having studied pretty hard. I really fell behind this semester because of what has been going on– and a slight bit of lack of motivation. I was really upset that I wasn’t getting enough time with crush and the dogs because of my busy final schedule, and I felt like the distance was making things rough. I argued with family more and it was still super hard, but I made it home for New Years! I had an amazing birthday and got to go shopping in SF. In retrospect, I checked off everything on my list except the cafe– even belting karaoke in a onesie, albeit alone in my apartment. I had been super worried about how my crush felt about me that whole time– I was worried about bothering him with my feelings or something and tried to make him comfortable by putting up barriers, but then realized that it was something that was hindering our friendship. I worked really really really hard trying to figure out a gift. At first, I wanted to make him a blanket like I do with all my friends– but then I realized that he might not really care for it. I saw a guitar ad and it kind of dawned on me– so I went out and found a guitar. I hit up guitar center and lugged it around in the rain, trying to keep it dry and had it restrung and bought a strap! And then, with only a few days left I went and bought a ton of art supplies and went to town on that strap. Honestly, I was nervous giving it to him because I didn’t know– how he would feel or if he wouldn’t like it or whatnot. I was absolutely TERRIFIED. We had Christmas lunch together and decided to spend less time together and to be a bit more firm in our boundaries. Egg boy gave me a really hard time and kind of pulled the “I never loved you” act on me, and peach boy kind of also friendzoned me.

[andy-abroad]

Bangkok_03

June.20.2017 Hello, hello! Today was a much better day than yesterday. A little shaky, but much better. In the middle of the night, I was woken up by a large crash. Apparently someone fell down the stairs, which much have hurt a lot, as the stairs are concrete. I'm not sure if they were drunk or not, but I heard a lot of moaning and scrambling to help him. It sounded crowded so I didn't go out to investigate. After that I found it hard to sleep - a good sign. I was hungry! Planning for this, I actually had a smoothie juice by my bed. I drank it slowly, and then went to bed, a little fuller. I woke up for good in the morning, and got ready. Brushed my teeth and all of that. My time in the bathroom still wasn't very pleasant, but all I had to eat yesterday was juice and a granola bar, so I wasn't expecting much. I went downstairs and ate a bunch of bread. 1, because I was hungry, and 2, because I knew it would help settle my stomach. I had a long day planned and I didn't want to take any chances! I left the hostel and decided to give the busses one more chance. I waited for what seemed like forever (30 minutes) and the bus never came, so I gave up and called and Uber. I figured this was the day to spoil myself and Uber around because I was taking it easy. The Uber took just as long to get to me, but then we were on our way! First stop was wat arun - temple of the dawn. I heard it was under construction, but I still wanted to check it out, and I'm glad I did. The white ceramic tiles were really beautiful, and it being on the water made it pretty special. I walked around and found their souvenirs shop and picked up some post cards. The woman was trying to charge me 100 baht, so I left and found a stall two from hers that charged me 10 for 2 of the exact same cards. Go figure! I exited the temple and then called another Uber. While waiting, I went to a 7-11 to find some Gatorade. I didn't actually find Gatorade but I found a sports drink with some vitamins and some sodium in it. I figured it would help hydrate me. I also picked up a plain croissant and a water. I ate the croissant while waiting and then hopped into the Uber. Next stop was the jam factory! The jam factory was by recommendation of mama. It was this old warehouse that was restored and turned into this design collaborative. It was really cool and super hip. There was a store, a shopping area, cafes, restaurants, a gallery, and even an architecture office! I wasn't brace enough to ask if I could go in, but I looked through their windows, haha. I wandered around and took some photos, and then sat at a cafe to have a drink. I wanted a cup of tea, but for some reason they were all out? So I got a San Peligrino sparkling water instead. I sipped on my water and read my book to cool off and enjoy the fun atmosphere. They were playing jazz music! I could also see a lot of foreigners around. If I was hungrier I would have definitely ate, but I was still a little turned off by the smell of food. When the water was done and the bill paid.. you guessed it, I called another Uber. I had really wanted to see the golden spire and the jade Buddha, so I waited and got into my car. What I didn't know is that the temple housing the jade Buddha is within the walls of he grand palace. I had really no interest in going to see it, as it was very touristy and expensive, but when I got there, I felt like it'd be a waste not to go in. I almost wish I didn't. First of all, the traffic situation around the grand palace is extremely annoying. They basically cut off all traffic in a one block ring around the palace. It's huge and you have to walk all the way around! So annoying. Also, it costs about 15 USD to get in, which isn't s terrible amount of money, but for what you can see, it is. You can't enter the palace or see up close, you can only kind of walk around it. Also, it's so overrun by tourists is claustrophobic. I ended up really speedily going through all of it and leaving disappointed. I will say that what's interesting is how these sites are tourist attractions but also operate as normal temples. The people come and use the temples for prayer and for blessings. In the grand palace, locals wear all black and a silver ribbon to honor the dead king. It was really interesting to see the royal family on postcards and posters. There was even an exhibit about the king in one of the buildings. Although this was interesting, the worst part is that there was a sign advertising a postal service, which I was excited about since I wouldn't have to look it up, but they were "closed". I left and walked to get out of the palace. I actually had to wait about 15 minutes as they were preforming their "changing of the guards" and no one could leave or enter. Again. Annoying, as it wasn't even that impressive! I finally got out and to my surprise found a post office. I mailed my postcards, again, more hopeful for this one, and rewarded myself with an ice cream! I sat down and took a break, drank some sport drink, and called yet another Uber. This Uber was to take me home, where I would then go on a train to my final destination. The Uber took a really long time to come (not his fault, the traffic pattern is weird, like I said), but when he pulled over, it was strange. I opened the back door like normal to confirm his identity and for him to confirm mine, but he was nervous and told me to get in the front seat. I was confused and hesitated, and he closed the back window. I didn't realize my thumb was in the window until it was pinched between the glass and the frame. I yanked it out and got in the seat, really annoyed. He apologized a lot and explained that Uber is banned in that district and the fines are really crazy. I was trying to be understanding, but in the moment I was really angry so I just kept quiet. I really don't like sitting in the front seat, and it was clear he felt really badly. Just a very awkward ride. He got me to my hostel safely, and I said goodbye. The last place I wanted to visit, again, a mama cho recommendation was Benjakitti park. I had to take a short metro ride there (thankfully) and before I knew it, I was at my stop. The metro is so clean and has A.C. The people are really polite on transit (waiting for everyone to get off before entering, offering seats to the elderly and to monks). It was a quick walk to the park and entrance was free! I thought about doing an entire loop, but it was about 2.5k, and I didn't think I had it in me - hot and I was tired. I found a little bench to sit and enjoy some time. I read my book, drank the rest of my sports drink, and people watched. It was amazing to see how many people used the track to actually exercise. The adults ran, the kids hung out, and the elderly chatted and walked around the park. It was a park to break up how busy the city is, and it did just that. A great spot to kind of get away. While on the bench, I researched some places to eat. Originally, I had wanted a big, juicy burger, but they were all far away and not reviewed positively. I just googled 'restaurants' and there was a Korean BBQ restaurant close. I didn't really want KBBQ, at least in Bangkok (will save for Korea!) so I searched other Korean restaurants. There was one close to a stop on the same line, so I got on and went hunting for some food. The sky opened up while I was on the train - poured for a few minutes and then switched to a drizzle. I scurried to the restaurant which was only a block away, and was seated immediately. I was a bit disappointed in the menu. I really wanted 된장찌개, but they didn't have any. I didn't want any of the other soups so I got 돌솥 비빔밥 which came with miso soup. It was pretty tasty, and I talked to the owner who is Korean! He was really nice and so was the food when it came. The rice was so hot! I usually like plain, because I can eat it faster, but oh well! I am hoping this food will help get me back into the swing of eating food. Am kind of nervous. Maybe should have eaten something more plain! Haha. I paid my bill and went back on the train home. I got to my room, said hello to everyone. The guy from India actually has a sore throat now. He came yesterday when I was really sick. Maybe my throat thing started in India? He is from Mumbai. Anyways, I cleaned up my area, packed, and then showered. It felt good to wash the humidity off, as always, and climb into bed. I'm here now and going to sleep soon. Trying to get as much rest as I can before the beach, as it's a party beach! And plus, I still want to take it easy on my body. Looking forward to calling mama and papa when I wake up! Until whenever --

[sumergosuigeneris]

June 11, 2019

The rest of the trip home was not uneventful. It was raining in old state, so I walked around to where I needed to be in fewer layers, so I’d have dry layers for later. Boy was I excited I’d ended up bringing my new rain boots. But I also kicked myself for not bringing an umbrella. It was a warmer rain, so it was nice. I just worried about my bag/pizza getting soaked.

They’ve changed the bus numbers since last I rode. Went down to the go-home bus pickup, which was at a mall. Got my star bux! And I’d already drunk my leftovers from the day before. So I had to pee. A lot. Drinking that much coffee appears, in hindsight, to have been a bad mistake. Even at the time. Because I peed 3 times in just over an hour. And, I spent the first 2 hours of the trip needing to pee. And then the last 3 hours needing to pee. Etc....

While I was at the mall, a mall walker wished me a good work day. I thought maybe she’d mistaken me for someone, but she did it again when we ran into each other in another location. Not sure if she’s got some memory issues or not, but it was sweet of her. I also took the opportunity to try one of those mall massage chairs. lol. Those chairs are not made for short people. Nothing was in the right spot. And I don’t know what the point was re: the pressure thing on my legs. But I’m glad I tried.

I thought the internet wasn’t working, and I definitely didn’t see any plugs until our rest stop, so I mostly snoozed on the first half. Then, I wasn’t in the mood the second half. I don’t know why I always think I’ll be productive during travel. I rarely ever am.

Got back to town and I forgot we weren’t gonna be dropped at the train station b/c we weren’t on the train. It wasn’t a problem, I walked to the train. I had an hour till mine came in, so I went to a bar and got much-desired beer. Get on my train to go home. Man, I felt so sophisticated. I’d finally ridden the train enough to be an expert. So I’m playing around on my phone which is super low on battery, bc it doesn’t matter b/c I’m almost home.

And then I look up and the view doesn’t look right. We skipped my stop. Completely. I really wasn’t sure where we were. And there was no conductor near me. So I got off at the next stop. And discovered on a posted map that I’m a fucking idiot. It had been sooo long since I’d ridden that I forgot that the train doesn’t go to my stop every single ride. And. And the stop that I got off on? It’s on the opposite schedule.

Coincidentally, it turns out there’s a brewery nearby, so now I know.

Oh and I had to pee. So my choices were to run to the brewery and pee. Maybe give up and have a beer. Take the train back in an hour or two to the train station then start again. At least 3-4 hours. Or, take the bus that was idling nearby, and potentially taking up to two hours. Holding it. That’s what I chose.

The bus driver, who was black, was concerned about me, given some of his usual clientele. It made me nervous. But on the ride, it was just normal people. Maybe it’s because he thought I’d never riden a bus before. Maybe it’s because I look white and everyone else on the bus was black. I don’t know, but letting myself fall into that thought trap, even for a minute, was disappointing Anyway, I was gonna stop at star and pee then stop at the pool on my way walking home. But I realized the bus went a lot closer to home so I just went home. I was so tired. I debated going to the club for a sail, but I’d basically spent all day having to pee every few minute it felt like, and I suspected I’d never make it on the boat. And did I mention I was tired?

Today, I got to work at an okay time. Fucking deputy douche, and I don’t know what to call him, how about team leader schmuck? We three were supposed to have a meeting on Monday. I said I couldn’t b/c I’d be out. DD said to have the meeting without me. Yesterday, the room we were originally scheduled in was busy (I forgot to change the location) so they didn’t meet. Instead of finding a new room. So we met today, and it was stupid. DD and TLS were supposed to figure out this transport problem and I was tasked with helping with drawing up the policy. Instead, I’m doing all the work, and I think but am not sure I’m doing the draft of the policy. I’m grouchy about it. But on the other hand, aren’t I also grouchy that I want more responsibility?

I saw on the calendar that the hr lady is scheduled to spend a full day in our offices in August. So really, what is this all about?

I had a meeting with the pm I sort of envy. Maybe she’s more competent than she comes across as. She acts so overwhelmed. And maybe trying to guilt me into continuing to help after June 30. Fuck that shit. I’m looking forward to the cut happening, if it does.

Anyway, I hadn’t brought lunch. Told myself if I left at 3pm ish I’d eat (leftover pizza) at home. But I was starving and unable to think through. And I wanted meat. I wanted a burger. So, I left work around 1pm, bought a burger and fries and went home. And slept. And wasted another complete day.

I see the shrink tomorrow. I’d really really like to get my damn brain on some ad er hall again. Not sure if it worked last time, or if we were going through the process to get me to a dose that would work.

[livinganddyingatdisneyworld-blog]

First Week+

Hey ya’ll.

So my first week here has come and gone. Monday morning was more hectic than I would have liked. I was so tired and was running late, I had to pack up my bags very quickly and I had my Mears driver waiting for me. He had texted me about 8:30 and I didn’t see that til 9, and I got down to him at like 9:15. 

My check-in was at 9:30, and there was a line of cars this time, so my driver had to patiently wait til we got to the front of the pack. I don’t think anyone ever looked at my Boarding pass lol (Just my itinerary). Check-in was quick. I had a nice lady help me with my documents and they took my picture for my housing ID. (Patterson’s are yellow this year, meh) Being back at Patterson feels pretty good. It feels like home (aw). I had feared I might be triggered into some negative feelings but nope. If anything being back makes me realize how much time has gone by and that time heals all wounds, things here have changed and moved on and so have/(or should) I. 

So this girl gave me my new program guide with my apartment configuration on it. It said 1 bedroom/3 person. I’m in building 3 on the first floor. I met my two roommates later in the day on Monday. It’s only been about a week and a half but so far we get along OK, there are still some things that will need to be worked out, but we’ll get there I think. I get along better with one than the other too. The nice thing is that again I do feel very comfortable here already so it wasn’t hard to adjust. My roommates are both very like me, mid 20s, white, American, etc so we’re pretty similar, they are both straight though. Which might be a good thing as long as they aren’t the “toxic” kind of straight I tend to keep at a distance. 

Casting at 11 was confusing because of the way they scheduled the buses and because of the construction around the casting building (yay third parking garage!) I had to figure out what bus to take and when to walk down to Chatham (my least favorite part of Patterson) but I got there eventually. I was like 20 min late to both my check-in and casting but no one said anything, I did the best I could! This lady at casting asked me for my Blue ID and I said I turned it in to my leaders and she said that was the correct thing to do so that made me feel good. There was a nice girl they checked my documents for me and then a guy there to do the “Disney Look” check. My fingerprints still didn’t work and they guy that did them was a little aggressive about it but whatever hopefully it will be like last time as far as that goes. Going back in the casting building is definitely an experience lol. Afterwards a group of us had to wait for the bus so I talked to them for a bit. I got back to Patterson and met my roommates.

Our apartment is nice, fresh and has new carpet. I wasn’t keen on the the 3 in 1 and I ended up taking the top bunk, which works for me but again isn’t ideal. It was funny because it took the confusion out of trying to pick a roomie/room/bed away. I like the building because it’s still close to the main area but kinda off in it’s own space too, just have to walk a bit further than last time. (laundry and garbage won’t be fun, it’s a walk over there). At least I have less roommies and still manageable rent. 

Monday night I made my return to Disney Springs and had Yesake, it was so good to be back finally! I also went to Walmart that night and got supplies. Tuesday I had the day off and went the Boardwalk Bakery(the food has changed, prob won’t go there again). but I still love walking that area at night. 

Wednesday I had my housing at 3 meeting which was the same as last year pretty much. Not a big deal. I stopped in the Grid afterwards and was surprised how low on stock they are. I ended up going back to Walmart for more supplies and went back to Disney Springs for dinner. I went to Earl of Sandwich and tried the wine slushie at Amorettes - it was so good! 

Thursday I had the day free and used it to stay in and rest. I had considered this being a resort day since I couldn’t get into the parks yet but I was tired and it was raining so I stayed in. 

Friday I had my Traditions class. I counted 9 other guys in the room and I sat with 3 of them. The ones I remember are Arvin, JT, Diego, and Steven. We were all Merch which was cool. The class felt pretty fast/tracked and went fast. There were some awkward moments but I knew there would be. I was nervous about going back to Magic Kingdom but it ended up raining and so we played games instead and didn’t have to go. I was relieved. I was nervous about getting my Blue ID but it was there for me. The pictures on both my ID’s are...OK. I changed my pic on The Hub though. They gave me another name tag but I plan on using my old one with my hometown on it from my last program. Overall I did get emotional at certain points in Traditions, (at one point my eye would not stop watering) but it was pretty quick and painless. I was glad to have a later in the day time (mine was at 2:40 and I had to be at the bus/stop by 1:15). I will always prefer a later in the day time. No one in my Traditions seemed to be going to Epcot which was interesting, maybe like 2 others that I heard. 

I decided not to go to the parks that night and instead went to Disney Springs for another slushie and more Yesake! 

Saturday I had free which was nice, I decided that my first park entry would be Epcot of course, and then later in the day I would have my first ride be Flight of Passage. I went to Epcot just to check-out Mousegear and get a feel for it. I felt indifferent to be honest. Like not super-excited but not scared or nervous either. Everything in my program was what I wanted or asked for basically. The Commons would have been nice, maybe I should have been more open to other roles, I probably would have picked the May 21st arrival date if it was offered to me. But Fall Advantage/Merch/June 4th/ and Patterson are all great with me. When I found out I was going to Mousegear I was surprised and happy. Like I just didn’t want to be in MK again, and getting to learn more about Epcot sounded like a great way to spend my 2nd program. (I did not spend much time in Future World last year, I always walked quickly through it to get to World Showcase). Mousegear is one of the biggest shops in the park which is intimidating but I do not claim to know what is best for me (lol). It actually has great reviews from other Cps/Cms that it’s a great location for alot of reasons, it seems very well orgainzed and staffed and it’s an AC/inside area only. You still rotate positions but you only have to learn one store versus several locations. 

After my sneak peak at my new home at Epcot I got on the bus to Animal Kingdom. When I got there I went straight to Flight of Passage, the wait was long and my phone had died (having trouble with the battery). Also I want to note before I forget that the bugs this year seem to be bad (gotten several bites so far, last year not an issue) and when I first got here I had this itchy rash on my arms and neck and apparently I must have done something because the skin basically died and peeled off in those places. Weird! I thought it was a reaction from a bug bite or something. These are just things I was struggling with the first week. As well as figuring out my to-do list and where to put my stuff and trying to stay organized. I definitely spent more than I needed to but I figure it’s my first week and I want to be happy and start out strong and hopefully continue that way. I want to be better about time and money management and this program is a great way to focus on that. I need to figure out how best to get food when I don’t have a car. It’s a struggle. I spent a lot of time before this week getting my body in a good place and I have to keep up with what I’ve been working on. Traveling took so much out of me I was worried I would regress and get to busy to take care of myself but I’m really trying to stay on it. Appearance is everything and then that helps my confidence! I tried to make my hair blonder before coming here and that was another nightmare - I probably wasted like 50+ dollars just on my hair color lol, but whatever. As long as my acne stays in a good place that’s the main thing for me. My spray tan is wearing off and I need to have a pool day still. Shaving everyday is a nuisance and keeping up with it but that’s what you have to do.

Anyway so I went to Animal Kingdom and waited for Flight of Passage - worth it obviously. I really wanted to do at least Everest but didn’t have enough time, so I had dinner at the Canteen, which I’ve been wanting to do for awhile (it was..OK. I mean I love Tofu but I was still hungry after) and I spent 10$ on a tiny little Sangria that I didn’t need....but whatever. I can say I did it and now I know I don’t need it again lol. 

Overall it was a good night at Animal Kingdom, still much more I want to do (I tried to make fastpasses but realized that wasn’t going to work). 

Sunday was my Discovery Day, I had to get up really early and be there by 8am. I was so tired this whole day because I didn’t sleep much that night. It was a really magical day. I won’t go into detail but the boat ride, the welcome, it was all very magical. When I was riding SpaceShip Earth for the first time, I realized some things (lol). It just made me realize how great it feels to be in a place that I feel like this is where I am SUPPOSED to be. How during my last program especially at the end how I said goodbye forever (maybe to MK yes;) but to be at Epcot and realize that maybe I had never done these things before because the universe had plans for me later. (I honestly don’t think I’d ever been inside Mousegear, I just walked past it). My group leaders (4) were very fun and made the day special, I got emotional with alot of things they were saying. Most of my group was people from other countries, very few Americans (my small group was all Asian) It definitely makes me feel a type of way when the only country I’ve been to is Mexico and I don’t speak other languages, but these people are world travelers and speak several languages. One thing that did stick with me was the notion that even we as Americans are considered “international” by tourists from other countries. They look at us (maybe sometimes anyway) with the same interest that Americans look at people from other countries. After my Discovery Day I went home and went to Disney Springs. Here I really splurged and got Yesake AND Earl of Sandwich. I also tried to go to Morimoto Asia but I won’t be doing that again. When I went to Earl the cashier kept complimenting me on my eyes and said I was pretty. It was nice! At this point it had been two weeks since I left Younkers (my last day was Sat May 26th) and one week since I left Sioux City (Sat June 2nd)

Monday I had my first day of training. My trainers name was Casey. She is a former CP and has been at Mousegear for about a year. She is leaving to go work at Toy Story Land which is exciting. I was surprised to find out that they were considering me a “Transfer” and that I would not have to go back to DU for anything. Traditions you have to redo after 6 months (I’m at about 10 months) Dday makes sense since Epcot is new to me, but one day of training? I’ll take it as a vote of confidence but I am not sure I remember everything on the register, and it’s still a new location, things work differently. Casey was great with me through the day and I was so tired and probably not always coherent but I learned alot and got to ask her alot of the questions I had. We ended up arranging for me to have another day of Training on Thursday (her last day is Friday) and then my first regular shift will be on Friday. It kinda feels like I’m her replacement in some type of way. hmm...I’ve met two leaders so far and they seem nice, I also found out one of the coordinators is from MSE (Hi Catie) so I’ll be seeing her. I got HUB access, still deciding if I want to do Food&Wine, took the days off my mom wanted me too, looked at Rostr and took note of the CPs currently staffed at MG. There are currently 30 including myself that are listed as American Cps so that’s cool. Very few guys.There are 5 other guys (Dalton, Grady, Aaron, Charles, and Raul) and one former CP also named Aaron. I do not know how many Cps are new or old or extended or leaving soon (SA, Spring Extenders, Summer Alum etc) I hope I can find some people that can be my work friends but we’ll see....I’ll know soon enough who my allies are and who is not. I’m sure there will be new Cps coming for the Fall program too. On Sunday I decided to try to open Grindr and see who’s out there. I will keep it open for a week and see how it goes. If there’s no one of interest I’ll probably just delete again and wait til August when there’s new people here. I’ve had some of the same guys hit me up which is pretty funny. It’s super disappointing about the lack of guys and options but I will not let guys bring me down. I know they are missing out on what I have to offer so it’s really there loss. (and once you’ve turned me down, do not thing I will give you second chance, I will ignore you)

The main thing is that the people you see most are the people you live with and work with. I’m sure I’ll be getting to see some familiar faces of other castmembers at Epcot, Cps and non Cps, which I am excited about because there’s a lot of cool people that work there! Getting on a routine and figuring out the timing of everything is what I need to work on. Casey showed me that path from the Cast building (I got a locker) to sneak out by Test Track and then walk into the CDS. (the only place you can clock-in) The tunnel is super interesting but the break area is ...underwhelming. Very few selections for food. I never used the temp lockers before but I might here, we’ll see. If it’s raining I might have an umbrella with me. The only bathrooms are down there as well. Another weird thing is that you can’t have water bottles on stage, you have to leave them backstage which might be hard for me, we’ll see. I’ll like the fact that the store doesn’t stay open as late as MK and CPs usually get 2 days off per week. I still need to get new shoes, more socks, and trading pins (I’ll wear the “Earning My Ears” badge as well I suppose. I got my costume and it’s cute! Had a hard time with the pants but found my size. The shirt can be awkward but you just kinda of have to let it hang I guess. I have Tuesday and Wednesday off. Tuesday I had a headache and stayed in all day, later I went to Epcot and watched Illuminations for the first time and got some yummy fishNchips at the UK. I did not know there was extra magic hours so I hung out there til about 11, even though you can’t do any rides. I still need to make a “Disney Do” list but I’m slowly working my through. I don’t plan on picking up shifts ever but we’ll see. I should be open to that I suppose. Not until I have Mousegear down anyway. One more day of training which I’m sure will be alot and then my first days of work will be Friday, Saturday and Sunday. with Tuesday and Wednesday off. We’ll see how it goes! Fake it til you make it I guess. I obviously don’t want to look stupid or awkward, I don’t want to bother anyone with a bunch of questions, or have a bad attitude or have a bad experience with guests. I’ll just do the best I can! So far here has been pretty good, my first week has come and gone and week 2 is fastly moving! My main goals here are to have fun, do a good job, be on time, not let myself get sad or lonely, do more things that I didn’t get to the last time, and try to focus more on the future and my career. I want to use the program to build myself up, not let it tear me down. A fresh start and a second chance is just what I needed, I will miss my mom and Sioux City but this is where I need to be. I can work on keeping my money in check and use my time wisely. My goal is to slowly get on a routine by July 4th ish, one month mark. For sure by the time the transition period happens in August. Summer is my favorite time of the year though so I really just want to enjoy June and July and see what the future has in store. I am sure there are many twists and turns in the road between now and January. 

[triathlonjourney]

Post-Race Thoughts

I'm an introvert, so I process things for at least a few days. Here are the things I've been chewing on. (Posted this in fb group "Women for Tri" also.)

What I Learned Doing My First Tri :)

Race: Aurora Bay Care Triathlon (aka Green Bay Triathlon,) Sprint Distance. Sunday, June 4, 2017.

Quick background: I’m battling Lyme disease (for 7 years at least,) knee, shoulder, and back problems because of it, overweight (I’m 275 lbs,) depression & anxiety, and mild asthma. Sat down awhile ago, because I was in pain, and basically used it as an excuse to stop taking care of myself and gain a ton more weight (I was already overweight.) 12 weeks ago, I bought my first running shoes in over two decades, and got back in a pool for the first time in about 2 years. I am registered for a Sprint on July 15th, but training was going really well, so I decided to do another one, 6 weeks earlier.

So my race report isn’t that special, and my time was pretty bad (2:48,) but I took a few minutes to reflect on some things I’ve learned so far, and thought I’d share that.

- I learned that I really need to stop thinking so much about what other people think of me, and comparing myself to others. This was probably the biggest battle, and the most important. - I learned that if I focus more on what my body can DO, instead of what it looks like, I can get a heck of a lot further. Meredith Atwood had a great piece of advice in her book (Triathlon for the Every Woman,) “…do not care about what you look like when you are moving. Worrying about how you look will undermine your ultimate goal—finishing the race.” It made a huge difference. - I like being strong. I’d like to be thin, but I won’t be anytime soon. But I’m much, much stronger than I thought, and that’s an awesome feeling. - I got really nervous, and I usually don’t, so I should have worked harder on a strategy for that. I know I will probably never be that crazy freaked-out about it again, but I will still need to think about how to deal with the nerves. - Whether or not anyone else puts on their wetsuit, if I feel like I need it (it helps my shoulders stay warm, and that keeps a lot of pain at bay,) I will put mine on. I made a mistake and almost didn’t put it on for this first tri, then decided to and was rushing/sweating/nearly hyperventilating (at least it felt like it.) - I can swim fairly well, so I need to seed myself a bit further up in my heat. I lined up toward the back, and there were a lot of people who didn’t swim well, and were panicky, and I absorbed that energy and started to feel that way too…my asthma kicked in and it was really hard to get on top of it. - I need to get that wetsuit on and get out in open water more. I swim fine, but I was never a lake swimmer, so I need to expand the comfort zone there. I bike slowly, but I could push it a little harder. I was working out pacing on this one, and trying to preserve my knees, which I am glad I did, but I could’ve done just a little more. - I really needed to focus on building my endurance/cardio at the beginning of training, and had really just begun to hit the weight room again (it’s been a couple of years.) Now it’s time to get going more on my strength training. There were parts of the bike that I just didn’t have what I used to, and I really want to get that built back up…and my anaerobic fitness just needs to be increased in general. - My idea of “plenty of aid stations along the course,” and the race directors’ might be very different. I did not take a water bottle on the bike, because I did not want to try to juggle mine and any that were available. There was not a single aid station on the bike. (There was actually only a table with water at the beginning of the run, and one at about mile 2 ½, total.) I now know I am capable of biking 16.5 miles in 84 degree full sun, on only 3 sips of water (in T1,) but that was not something I wanted to know. - Tri shorts are diabolical things once pulled down in a porta-potty.  They rolled inside themselves or some crazy thing, and would not cooperate going back up! The sweaty, lube-y, shaky-leg half-squat twerk-fiasco I ended up having to do to get the shorts and my tank top and the race belt all sorted WAS hilarious, but I really don’t want to do it again, lol. - Even in the middle of a race, I’m still a Mom. I drank half a cup of water before going into the porta-potty, and set it on the table. I was so relieved when I came back out and they hadn’t tossed it, so I didn’t have to take another one and waste a cup! Lol! Some things never stop, do they? - I need to watch out for thieves/pranksters in the transition area. Somewhere between exiting the bike, and starting the run, someone apparently took my legs, and strapped a pair of clubs onto my lower body in their place. “Brick” is an incredibly generous term for this feeling. Luckily I knew about it, and could just laugh, but staggering down the path (thinking “I probably look like a wino,”) because my legs would not do what I wanted them to do was quite the experience! - Actually I got through all of that ok. I jogged a bit to get the blood flowing, then tried to listen to my body, and it seemed to want to walk a bit, with LONG strides to stretch the back and hips a bit. Then a few seconds of bent-over stretching to get the calves, etc, and I was good to go. I don’t know if that will work every time, but that’s what did it this time. - I can run further than I thought. I had gone into this without enough training, and I knew that, and fully expected to have to walk about half of the run. But, by my estimation, I ran all but about a ¼ mile. By run, I mean sloooowly jog…but that’s where I’m at, and I am still happy. Just 12 weeks ago, I was struggling to get through the 1 ½ minute run segments in the couch-to-5k program! - There were people who were coming back in (on the run) as I was going out, who encouraged me and cheered me on. (I cheered them on too, as much as I could.) If ever there comes a time when I’m not at the back of the pack, I’ll remember how good that felt to have that encourgement from them, and I will definitely be enthusiastically doing the same for other people. - It was really, really nice to have family there at the finish line (and to cheer me on as I left out on the run.) I certainly don’t think I’d have felt the same excitement about it all if there were no one there. I also don’t expect them to come to every race, but it was huge, for the first one. - My mom still cries when proud of us kids. :) - Triathletes are, on the whole, super nice. I met and talked with a number of kind people, and it made the whole experience just a lot better. I deflected snide remarks overheard and focused on the cool people. - Racing adds a fun element! I had not thought about that. For example, out on the bike, as I came around the loop and started heading back in, the wind was then to my back and there was a nice long flat stretch, and I was able to grind out a few really awesome miles. Knowing that the clock was ticking, and that I’d found at least a small “sweet spot” to be able to push it a little harder and make better time, was a kind of fun I hadn’t experienced since track in high school. I think it still would be “satisfying” on a training ride, but just not quite the same. - A number of people told me “you need to run YOUR race.” I thought I knew what that meant, but of course one never can until they actually go and do a race. I DO need to learn that it’s OK to focus on ME for a little while. This will be a process. - A new friend, who is a total triathlon rockstar, told me to picture my “A,” “B,” and “C” scenarios…“A” being the perfect race, and “C” being the not-so-great day. And NOT to get my heart set on “A” but think how I was going to deal with the B and C scenarios. I did this and it really helped me stay calm during the moments that were rough. (I’d classify this race as mostly B, just for the record.) - This was really hard because I was in really, really bad shape and I live with constant pain…but I can do a LOT more than I ever would have dreamed of just a few months ago! It’s been really exciting, and I’m looking forward to getting stronger and healthier! - Last but not least….I deserve to try to be healthy. I deserve to take care of myself. I do not have to do anything to merit that. I am worth it, now.

[letterstochristopher]

Letters to Chris. May 30th. Day 52.

Hey Buddy,

My grief has been evolving. I feel it changing into something else, something darker and harder to deal with. I think the reality of losing you has begun to set in, and it's too much. It's so weird how grief morphs over time...It's not like at any point I ever believed you would "come back to life." I think I was still in the denial phase. Since we haven't lived in the same state for a few years, it has been easy to believe you were still in Minnesota...waking up for work in the mornings, hanging out with little Carter, grilling your amazing steaks, hanging out with friends, looking forward to coming home again to visit...living. Breathing. But the reality is, you're not. You're not doing any of those things. I don't know what you're doing now. And that's so f*cking terrible. I want to know what you do during your days, what you think about, what you laugh about. What your world looks like. I hate not knowing, not being able to be a part of your new life. You feel so far away and it destroys me. You've done so much to show me you're okay, and I'm so grateful. So I'm sorry that I complain about you being gone. But it's just the way it is. You're gone and I miss you. I just can't wrap my mind around the fact that you were here and I took you for granted. I always thought I had tomorrow to call you and say I love you. I just can't fathom it. How the hell did I not call you every single day to make sure you were doing okay? What the f*ck was wrong with me?

God, I suck.

The past few days have been some of the hardest yet. I know of the "stages of grief." They are by no means linear, but more like a squiggly line that has no end and no beginning. Mom actually sent me a meme about that the other day. Two side by side depictions of grief, one "normal," with the linear line going through the five stages, and then ours, a squiggly mess. Of course it was a joke. There's no such thing as normal when it comes to grief. Knowing that helps. Nothing is normal, yet anything and everything is normal. Because it's easy to be down on myself about how I'm doing. Some days are better than others. Some days I think I'm processing healthily and will be okay. I work out, take the dogs on long walks, care about how I look, laugh a lot. Other days I struggle to motivate myself to do anything. Cleaning? Forget it. Cooking? Hell no. Taking the dogs out? Clay can do that. If I didn't have a job that forced me to get out of bed, I'm sure there are days I just wouldn't. Today would have been one of them. I didn't need to be in until 2:30, so I stayed under the covers cuddling your clothes until 1:30. It doesn’t help that the stress is still destroying my skin. I feel like I have aged 10 years. Confidence issues on top of everything else blows. I want to hide all the time. As you can see, I'm super productive. 

Pretty sure this is the depression phase. I want to go back to denial.

I actually didn't cry Friday or Saturday night. I know...wow, right? We were in Chicago celebrating a dear friend's wedding, and it was a much-needed reunion with our Kansas City friends. I love Chicago. I have been there twice before, but the last time was 2010 when Clay and I first started dating. I absolutely fell in love with it, and have always wanted to go back. You would love it. Probably not to live in, but to visit. And you would LOVE Garrett's. It's a popcorn place that makes the best damn caramel popcorn you'll ever eat. Yes, better than movie theater popcorn. Clay was a skeptic until he tasted it. There's a reason there's always a crazy long line every time. But anyways (sorry...always getting distracted by food), in the days leading up to flying out, I was honestly dreading leaving. Not because I didn't want to see everyone, but because lately the thought of being around a lot of people overwhelms me. And I've lost my ability to celebrate right now...it just feels weird. How can I celebrate anything when you aren't here? How can I laugh and be happy when my little brother has left me? I know this is normal, but it makes me feel like an asshole. Yet I'm so so glad we went. It was such a beautiful wedding. The bride has been such a wonderful friend for several years, and I was so grateful for the privilege of seeing her walk down the aisle. We got to hang with our friends and explore Chicago, which I know was good for me. I ate Garrett's popcorn and chocolate gelato (which was as good as the gelato I ate in Italy, I sh*t you not), went on an architecture boat ride, visited Millennium Park and the Navy Pier, got caught in a crazy down pour, shopped Zara with Court (a tradition whenever we visit big cities together). It was a wonderful weekend. I just adore all my girlfriends that were there. They all know what happened to us, and have been so very supportive. It wasn't until we were leaving that I opened up about my struggle with coming, how I don't know how to be around people anymore. I used to look forward to hanging out with people. Now I feel so alone even when surrounded by friends. Remember my island analogy? Yeah. Everyone is way over there, laughing and happy. Enjoying their life, looking forward to their futures, planning, excited. And over here is me, trying my best just to get out of bed in the mornings, clutching my brother's clothes because it's all I have left.

The day after we got back, I became this ball of absolute and unstoppable fury. Without warning. Clay and I went to our cousin's BBQ, which was a good time, and I was excited to learn that a Trader Joes was right down the street. That was my favorite store back in KC, and I have only been to one a couple times since we moved. So we decided to pay it a visit on our way home. For whatever reason, I lost my shit when we walked in. I just became so angry. I always know why, but I don't know what the triggers are. I wanted nothing more than to fight with Clay. He knows better, and won't take the bait, which made me even angrier. By the time we got home, I was a mess. I climbed in bed and held your shirts close to my chest and couldn't stop crying. I haven't cried like that yet. Where I couldn't breathe, couldn't think...where I want nothing more than to make it stop hurting. I get scared when I get to that point. I worry about what steps I would take to make the pain go away. At this point, I think it's the people in my life keeping me here. I couldn't do anything to put our family or Clay through any more heartache. 

I feel like I've lost myself. Who am I without you? Will I figure this out? Will I ever feel like myself again?

Mom and Dad sent me an email about free counseling through the Guard. So I reached out to my contact person yesterday. I haven't heard back, but am hoping she'll get back to me this week sometime. I need someone to help me process this. I also was going to the Heartbeat Support Group tonight. Clay picked me up from work and we showed up to an empty parking lot. Apparently they moved the meeting to last week, but failed to update their website. I was pretty upset about that. Even though I was nervous, I was looking forward to being surrounded by people who know exactly what I'm going through. So now I'll have to wait until the last Tuesday of next month. Disappointing, but it is what it is. I'm grateful to have a group even if it is only once a month. I had brought one of your shirts with me to work so I'd have it tonight in the meeting. I think I'm just going to start keeping it in my purse so I have it with me at all times. It helps. Katrina said she wished she could fly me out next week to go to her support group. If only! Maybe one day. That would be so awesome. (By the way, she's hoping to come out in September to visit for the Walk Out of the Darkness walk. Fingers crossed.)

Tonight, I put your clothes away. It was so f*cking hard. I honestly hated it...I felt like I was burying you. They have been sitting in a folded pile on top of our dresser on my side of the bedroom. I just had to, though...the constant reminder just destroys me. I keep using that word. Destroy. But it's the only word that seems appropriate. I kept a few of your shirts out to sleep with. And while half of your shirts are in my dresser, in the drawer closest to my side of the bed, the other half are in your military backpack right by my pillow. That was the hardest thing I've had to do in a while. Clay had to remind me that it's not like I'm moving on...I just need some order. That helped. 

Nikea and I talked yesterday. She said she and Mom put your stuff in tubberware containers to keep it all safe. I had organized it all, but many of the boxes didn't have lids so your things were sitting out in the open. Mom had already been crying when Nikea showed up to help...she had just finished a load of your laundry. I think she's been doing laundry ever since I left. It helps her to feel like she's taking care of you. It's been hard on Mom...a lot of your things are missing and we aren't sure what happened. They may have been tossed, or maybe still in your old camper. It makes her hurt that you didn't have a ton of stuff. So Nikea and I remind her that you were a bachelor...a 25 year old guy doesn't want a bunch of stuff. Clay didn't have any real fancy things before I showed up. Besides, if you wanted something you would have bought it. That made her feel better. But she's your mama, and will always be protective of you. As we all will be. I'm so glad we get to keep your things. Mom will never get rid of anything. When I come home in June I will be getting your old coffee maker, toaster, uniform and that huge firefighter blanket. I may grab a pair of your pajama pants, too, since I cannot for the life of me find the ones I wore of yours while home (seriously, wtf happened to them??). I'm going to love having something of yours in our kitchen and living room. And Clay's happy, because he has wanted a toaster forever. So we can think of you every time we brew coffee or make toast. Not like we don't...I mean it when I say I think about you every single second. Still. Brushing my teeth, talking to patients, watching TV, walking the dogs, cooking, cleaning, sleeping...you're always there. 

I heard your voice this morning. It may have been a dream, but you said, "hello," and it woke me up. It was your voice. I've never had a dream wake me up like that before. Was it you?

Anyway. I love you, Buddy. So f*cking much. Every second of every minute of every day I am missing you. I love you. I love you. I love you.