#july 8th is my half birthday and this is just so perfect for me

[sunflowers-n-cyanide]

Sunset on July 8th, 2024, by IRB

[nomaxart]

Happy Birthday, Conway!

Happy 1st Birthday to Conway!

Yep! It is the 1 year anniversary of the release of version 0.01 (or whatever the versions were called back then) Let's have a talk, shall we? February 8th is when I uploaded and released it on itch. Why February 8th you may ask? Well, I had only planned January as an experimental month for myself, with the oil painting and the VN test. So I'd release it on february 1st... And then it, naturally, took longer. But I guess it works out so that we don't have the anniversary right on update release days.

The past 

And yeah, what a year it's been! Thank you to all of you first of all for making this possible. Quite simply it wouldn't be possible without the support of all you generous peeps here. As it turns out, developing a game is a fuckton of work, and if I would need to pay the bills through commission work or what have you there would be no way I'd find the time and energy to work on Conway on the side. And I've mentioned it before in a few places, but for a while around May, June-ish it did look really dicey. The first half of the year I was bleeding about 500-700 bucks a month of my savings. The game didn't really pick up and a good amount of my walks were spent contemplating just when I'd have to see a sign before pulling the plug. End of June? Maybe it's worth to stretch it to July? At the lowest point, we were about a month away from pulling the plug on Conway. But right around that time, the trend in people subbing here started to pick up. While it's only in the past month or two that I've reached the point where I'm not actively bleeding money each month, the trend was the bit I needed to see that maybe people are interested after all!

The present

I've attached the itch stats of the past year. So those of you who would like to have a peek can do so. As you can see, Update 10 was a massive success at least in terms of numbers for the game. Update 9 was already the first one to break the record for downloads that the release day set, but Update 10 got picked up by the algorithms and sat in the most popular furry games for a while. Soooo, yeah, quite chuffed with that spike! We'll see what the long-term effects are, but for now I just enjoy the aesthetic of -BIG SPIKE-. And yeah, the game as a whole is just sitting in a good spot. We've had about 12k downloads in total, around 80k page visits, and a rating of 4.8/5 with 127 ratings (which btw, easy way to help, is to leave a juicy 5* rating on itch. Does wonders for the placement of the game in the different categories on the site, plus it gives me a fuzzy feeling in my tum tum.) It's also been such a joy to see that all characters end up having their share of fans judging by comments and that nobody is left in the dry. Of course, some of them have a bit of an easier time, like Samuel and Julian being the more sociable lot they are, and just the screen time they've had so far. While others like Raj or Arthur are slower burns and even they get some mentions as the favorites of some people, and that just makes me chuffed. Naturally, they're designed to cover different interests and preferences, but I'm always nervous if the characters are good, resonate with people and hope that they can be fun to be around. So any time someone mentions a character it just makes me so goddamn giddy. Some of them will be difficult to handle with grace, and I'm not perfect, so I'm sure for at least one of the main cast what I've planned will fall flat, or I mess it up in some fashion. But fuck it, I'll try. Not everything has been peaches and roses recently though, so I have to admit Updates 10 and 11 have been/are a bit of a struggle. I just messed up planning for my support writers, and it's been more or less just me handling everything for both updates 10 and 11. That's why art has been a bit sparse... Because most of my time is just taken up doing writing duty, and I'm not the fastest writer, unfortunately. Like, at this point, with the game having all the branches and 125k in total word count, the story for the characters and how they've interacted on the two initial days. It makes it a bit more difficult to actually get people on board in a timely manner. I can't just go and say, "Hey, write me a scene where this character and that character are involved, and they do that." Since a new writer knows absolutely zero about all the stuff that's been there before, all the stuff that's planned for the characters and all that jazz. So if one support writer is busy or just has writing block or whatever, it may be, my solution so far has just been going, "Well, shit." :') Not the fault of my writing buddies, of course. They've been absolutely invaluable and I can't offer nearly enough to expect to be the highest priority for them. I'm just happy they want to help out AT ALL for what I can pay them in return. I should have planned contingencies but didn't. Simple as that. So, I've made the decision to bring on another writer in Televassi, and also want to hopefully integrate Robert Baird more again going forward. With more of them willing to help out I will be able to assign things to people as they're available. Which hopefully will avoid me having to do whole updates on my own and take the pressure off of wonderful peeps like Rubric. So yeah, I learned my lesson there, but since it just takes time for people to get familiar with the Conway world and characters, it ended up with me being a bit swamped with EVERYTHING for Updates 10 and 11.

The future

Speaking of what's planned, then? Update 10 closes out day 2, and Update 11 starts after our first time skip. I don't know if you've ever looked at how slow these ships were, but if we ever want to make it to Cape Town, then we'll need those time skips. Not only that, but it also allows for characters to just develop in the meantime, and also their relationship towards the player character. While Characters like Nomax and Julian ended up having some raunchy scenes right away, it wouldn't exactly fit to have others throw themselves at you on day 2. So skipping ahead just keeps things moving, keeps things interesting because we can focus on specific parts more, and just show the development of characters at a more natural pace.

So the next sections are this first post-time skip section that subbed patrons already get a taste of in the WIP update, and then next up on the itinerary will be Morocco. Both sections I'm really stoked about! And I hope you are too. :)

Stretch goals? Patreon did away with them a while back, but we'll just make our own stretch goals, with blackjack and hookers. Just instead of blackjack and hookers, how about we talk Animations?! Hell yeah! I'm no animator, and it's not really a discipline I particularly enjoy either from the times I tried. So, since Patreon is currently about break-even, we can start thinking ahead a little, and I think the first point I want to tackle is some simple animations. Stuff like moving tails, ears, and eyes. Stuff like that.

So how about that, we're currently floating at around 1250 USD a month, and if we're crossing the 1500 USD mark, I'll be holding out my feelers to get these small animations into the game. If you like to contribute to making animations possible, consider supporting the Patreon over here: https://www.patreon.com/Nomax

Possibly animations, an exciting new section of the story, some more v2 character art, some more maritime menagerie characters. Sounds good for a year 2 plan?

I certainly hope so and hope that you all will be along for the ride, as it's been an absolute blast, and I can't thank you enough for making it possible. I just want this thing to be the best it can be for all of you. :)

[justcahttingtothevoidcat]

15 years

Well the years start turning and they don't stop turning and now it has been 15 years since my dad died.

We had a pretty tumultuous relationship really from about the time I turned 8 until just a few weeks before he died, I managed to feel like I had some resolution from him but not really the full validation I guess I was looking for.

Looking back I can see he probably suffered from Depression, he had a hell of a time since he broke his back at 18 in the Marines and it never fully healed right, it often caused him pain. He ignored his worsening illness, despite being bright yellow he would snap at us if we pointed it out, I reckon it was just purely fear. God knows what went on with the Marines but it looks like he may have had Hep C that led to his liver getting damaged and then turning cancerous. Blood transfusions in the late '60s were not what they are today and I know that the Marines were often used as lab rats for whatever madness the MOD was cooking up. It may also have been Hemachromatosis but we will just never know, regardless of what caused the cancer he died because he did very little about it and allowed a nurse to tell him it couldn't possibly be Hep C, mum thinks he took that as a sign that he had a clear bill of health...

Dear cat, let me remind you he was a mustardy yellow at this point, his skin, the white of his eyes were tainted of it and he smelled of ketosis which I can best describe as a rank garlicky smell. He was far from the picture of perfect health.

Anyway, I've always been torn when I think of my dad, there is a little girls hurt inside me that still hasn't gone away despite me wishing it would. Having a fat daughter and a fatphobic father was awful, which is odd as we used to get on so well, like he was my main caregiver he gave up working to look after me full time. We got on like a house on fire and most of my memories before the age of 7 are mainly of him.

It all seemed to change when we moved to our home that we still live in, mum reckons he couldn't cope with his little girl growing up, at the time I thought he just plain hated me and I learned to return that hatred, it let to fights, smacking, me hiding in a locked bathroom while mum was away in Lochgilphead on night shift at the Mental health hospital, whose grounds I used to live in, in the nursing quarters. I openly relayed my hatred of him to anyone, I even punched him a few times, those memories bring me shame now of course, he didn't punch me back, he didn't raise a hand to me, I was about 16 then and desperate to move out.

16 is when it became obvious he wasn't right, he had a few hospital appts, I remember vividly having my phone on in maths class, waiting to hear what was going on.

By 17 it was obvious he wasn't well, but by the end of that year neither was I, food poisoning woke up my Coeliac gene which led to medical fatphobia and dismissal, anxiety that spiralled into depression and anorexia (A-typical) and a period of psychosis over a period of 3-4 years, my illness outlasted my dad actually.

I was on holiday from Uni, sitting in my flat with one of my best friends Rowann, waiting on my parents coming back from the specialist hospital in Edinburgh, fully expecting that dad would be on the waiting list to get a liver transplant. They came back and seamed normal, I asked mum what happened, she replied that the cancer had spread, dad was dying. That was the 28th of June 2007.

I took on the role of his main carer, we had a Macmillan nurse who wished she had been involved sooner, I liked her well enough, she said dad was very stoic in a way, he had his Buddhist beliefs and they were supporting his through his dying. He never really spoke about his death, he didn't tell his friends, he didn't even tell his mum, which to be honest I was not happy about but I was so busy trying to look after him and really in a state of dissociation half the time so I didn't confront him about it.

8th of July is my Birthday, he bought me a Zen Nano which I loved but I snapped at him on my birthday because he was being a bit of a berk, I still feel some shame at that too.

31st of July, I called mum who was still working and told her I needed her to come home, dad had wanted to go upstairs to bed and needed my help getting their, but I was too weak from the Anorexia and he fell on the stairs, I needed help.

She cancelled the rest of her clinic and told her receptionist she was going to take some time off, she had thought she would maybe get a nurse in to help dad for the next wee while. That night I called my granny and told her dad was really unwell and she should come through and see him, she told me she was really sorry but she couldn't.

its of August 2007, mum and I had gone out to do some shopping and got a curry for tea, mum had bought her favourite chocolates and had just gone upstairs to give dad one, it was an orange cream I think, she called to me from upstairs, "Freyja, I think he's gone".

"what?", I couldn't hear her properly from downstairs but either she repeated herself or the words hit me just as I got to the landing on the stairs, I nearly fell down backwards, I could feel the tears welling up, trying not to breathe raggedly I decided I needed to be there for mum at that moment.

So I walked in to their bedroom and kissed dad on the forehead and said "I love you dad". Then we called the doctor to come out, then I had the most unpleasent task of calling my gran to say that dad was not just really unwell, he was now dead, the poor women was in total shock.

I spent the rest of the night making phone calls and then my friends Leah and Vickie came round and I got drunk.

We had a lovely service, my poor granny got to see her son, well his body at least, I have to say he looked better in death mostly, his skin was returning to a normal colour. If he hadn't have been stone cold and had his mouth sown up horribly he would have looked great.

I did manage to have some sort of "Do you accept me/ Do you love me" convo, it was pretty pathetic really. I asked my dad what he would do if I died my hair bright green and then shaved it off, he laughed and said it would grow back. That was it and it was all I had.

Of course after his death we had some immediate movings about from him, on the 3rd I woke up and felt like this foot that had been pressing on my chest for days had just lifted, there was also the smell of a fry up having been cooked, only no one alive had cooked it. There was also the sound of music and chatting that I could hear for a good few days after I died, just when I lay down to sleep at night, like someone had a radio on in the house next door and I heard it through the walls, except there is no house next door, we have a small field between us and the neighbours and there was no radio on either. Since then we have had phantom food smells and tobacco smoke drifting by us, dad makes his presence known.

One place I couldn't escape him was my nightmares, every night for months I would dream that he came home and died all over again, other times my nightmares told me he had ran off, that he had become a drunk or a criminal but mostly he just came home and died right in front of me all over again. It was rough.

I hadn't had the nightmares in a few years, but I got one on the 31st and it clung to me like smoke. Maybe it was because the date was a landmark in some ways, maybe it's because my jaw has started to swell up and give me searing pain and it had knocked me down a bit, maybe I was just more vulnerable.

Because we have these Olfactory cues that dad is about so often and also just me having had time to work through the grief I really think of my dad in the present, rather than the past, particularly in the past few years. Something about the nightmares though kind of threw me back down a few steps, the grief was much heavier than it had been in a good while and Monday the 1st 2022 was a rough day for me, I tried to remember the good times, honour the hurt little girl who still pops up from time to time and keep in mind that I sense dad now more than I ever saw him as a teen.

Actually I would say the relationship has improved remarkably since his death! I do wish I had got to know him as a person, rather than just "Dad", I wish we could have resolved the pain that we caused each other and that I finally got that word for word validation that I wanted but it is what it is. 15 years has let me see that perhaps he was in pain long before he got sick, maybe depressed too. Hindsight is relatively healing in that sense.

I'm not sure how to end this ramble of mine, about dad and his death. One thing I will say is his reluctance to get treated has meant I put my foot down at ignoring my own health and demanded treatment, long before I could say I had hEDS or Vestibular Migraine and whatever else. I make sure my loved ones do the same too, don't run away from your worries, knowledge really is power when it comes to your body and it's mishaps. It also taught me resilience in the face of overwhelming grief, not that it didn't hurt but I survived it.

[akatsukibandhscenarios]

44. When It's Their Birthday

Itachi It was June 9th, Itachi’s birthday. The whole Akatsuki celebrated and threw a party for the Uchiha. He didn’t seem to care really. Once the dango and other food were gone, it was time for presents. Most of the Akatsuki got him pointless cheap things and some got him nothing at all. Itachi still looked so sad and depressed. He looked at you with hopeful eyes. He hoped you’d make the day worthwhile. “Here Itachi.” You handed him a slip of paper. He looked at it questioningly. “It’s a coupon for free dango for life.” You explained. Everyone watched as Itachi's eyes widened. He looked at the paper and actually smiled. You heard gasps and the sound of Konan fainting. “Happy birthday ‘tachi.” You smiled at him. “Thank you _____.” Itachi stood up and hugged you tightly. “That was the best present.” “You’re welcome.” You and Itachi kissed and held each other. Everyone in the room was even more in shock. You and Itachi couldn’t be happier. Kisame It was March 18th, Kisame's birthday. He seemed enthusiastic about it. The Akatsuki threw a big party. Everyone ate shrimp, crab and cake. When it was time for presents, everyone got him something. Most was things Kisame already had or didn’t want. There was one that confused Kisame. Itachi got him shark food. Kisame questioned it, but Itachi wouldn’t explain. “Come on Kisa. It’s time for your final present.” You told your confused boyfriend. You led Kisame to the pool are. Itachi was following close behind with the shark food. “Happy birthday Kisa.” You said happily. Itachi threw some food towards the water but seconds before it touched the water, a baby shark leapt out to eat the food. “You got me a baby shark?” Kisame gasped before pulling you in for a bear…well shark hug. “This is awesome. I shall name him Sam.” “Sam the shark?” You giggled. It seemed like he was happy about his gift. You just hoped he wouldn’t feed anyone to it. Pein It was September 19th, Nagato’s birthday. Since Pein had been working so much, he forgot it was his birthday. He only remembered when he entered the living room. A surprise party was there waiting for him. After cake and grilled fish, everyone got ready to give Pein his one and only present. “Happy birthday Pein!” You and Konan said together. You handed him a piece of paper. “What is this?” He asked, confused. You and Konan smiled at him. “It’s a vacation to a nice place.” Konan explained. “You and I are both going away for a whole week!” You exclaimed happily. “Away from work, for a whole week?” Pein asked, just to make sure he heard right. “Yup.” You were then hugged by Pein. “Thank you so very much.” Pein pulled away and looked at you hopefully. “When can we leave?” “Now if you want.” Pein then dragged you from the party and headed for his vacation. Pein seemed happy with his gift and you might have even seen him smile. Hidan It was April 2nd, Hidan’s birthday. He loved the attention he was getting. There was a party, cake and spare ribs. He got simple things from the other members. He was disappointed every time he saw his gift. Before his birthday he made it clear he wanted a new Jashin pendant. It seemed like he was never going to get it. “Here Hidan.” You handed him a little box. He sighed and opened it. “You got me a new Jashin pendant?” Hidan’s normal mood fully came back. He jumped up and hugged you. “Thanks bit- I mean thanks _____!” He held you tightly. It was nearly bone crushing. “Hidan you’re killing me.” You choked out. He released you and put his necklace on. “Don’t lose this one. I don’t need to hear your bitching again.” Kakuzu said, in his usual harsh tone. “Shut up Kakuzu!” Hidan yelled. You smiled as the two bickered. It seems like Hidan was happy enough. You did hope he wouldn’t lose the necklace again; it was hard to get a replacement. Kakuzu It was August 15th, Kakuzu’s birthday. He didn’t want a party, since he’s gone through so many before. He was feeling down too, because he hadn’t been able to get any replacement hearts lately so he was down to his own heart. After Kakuzu ate some liver and everyone else ate normal food, it was present time. He got money from most people, but then you set a medium sized cooler on the table. “Happy birthday Kakuzu!” You said loudly and happily. Everyone just stared at it. “It’s from Hidan and I. Open it Kuzu.” “Alright.” Kakuzu opened it and saw all the replacement hearts he needs. “You got me hearts?” “Yup, they are all of the chakra natures you need too.” You said with a big smile. “Thank you.” Kakuzu closed the cooler and hugged you. It was a rare display of affection around others, so you knew he was extremely thankful and maybe even a little happy. You hoped he’d tell you now how old he really was. Zetsu Zetsu didn’t have a birthday and he was very upset over it. Everyone around him was getting a party, except him. You decided that July 27th would be his birthday. You and the rest of the Akatsuki threw him a party. You all played games, ate cake and had a good time. It was finally present time. You and Zetsu left the group to go outside. Once outside Zetsu saw a pile of bodies. “What’s all this?” White Zetsu asked, sounding very excited. “Happy birthday Zetsu. All of these are for you.” You said smiling at your boyfriend. “I get to eat all these people?” The black half questioned. “As long as I���m not around to see it, yes.” “Well I suggest you go away then.” “Alright, have fun.” You rolled your eyes and left. Zetsu was happy to have so many bodies to eat. He wouldn’t be happy after you told him that you won’t kiss him until he cleaned his mouth our 10 times. Tobi It was February 10th, Obito’s birthday. Clearly Tobi decided to not lie about that. He had been bouncing around weeks before yelling about his birthday. Everyone figured Tobi would cry if he didn’t get party, so that’s what was going on. Cake, ice cream and all of Tobi’s favorite foods were eaten. “Rime for Tobi’s presents!” Tobi yelled suddenly. You rolled your eyes and gave Tobi all his presents. He opened everyone else’s first and then got to yours. He got toys and games from everyone. He hoped for something less childish from you. You handed him a bag. He quickly pulled out your gift; a mask. “It’s special.” You informed him, with a smile on your face. “What does Tobi’s new mask do?” Tobi questioned. “It changes colors, designs and shapes based on what you want.” “Really?” Tobi ran off to try it on. He seemed happy enough to have a new mask. You hoped Obito liked it as much as Tobi did. Deidara It was May 5th, Deidara’s birthday. He didn’t really want a party; he just wanted a small celebration. Everyone ate food, cake and other random things. When it was time to give Deidara his presents, you noticed no one got him anything good. You were thankful you made him a great person. When it was your turn, you led everyone outside. Everyone sat down to watch the explosion show. “Is this is?” Sasori grumbled. You rolled your eyes and told him to keep watching. ‘Happy Birthday Deidara!’ was lit up in the sky. Once that faded ‘Art is an Explosion!’ lit up the sky. “Whoa that was true art, hm!” Deidara said happily. He hugged you and smiled. “Thank you, hm!” “You also have another present, but that will be shown to you in private.” You whispered to your boyfriend. He was happy before, but now he seemed to be even happier. Today seemed like a good day. Sasori It was November 8th, Sasori’s birthday. Since he didn’t age, he didn’t think he needed a party or anything. Deidara got him a gift, but other than him, only you got Sasori anything. You and Sasori were in the room the two of you share. He was relaxing on the bed, and you were getting his gift. It was a wooden box. It was carved and looked beautiful. It was about as long as his arm and as wide as his chest. It was pretty heavy. “What is that?” Sasori asked, sitting up. “Your present.” You smiled and set it on the bed. Sasori got closer to it and opened it. Inside there were two puppets. One looked like you and one was like Sasori. They looked a little freaky since you weren’t as skilled with making puppets as Sasori is. “I made those. I know they look weird but-” “They are beautiful.” Sasori said, cutting you off. You smiled at him, thankful for his words. “Happy birthday Sasori.” You mumbled as he pulled you to him for a kiss. He seemed happy about his new puppets. He was even smiling at you.         

Madara

It was the day before Christmas, December 24th and you were busy preparing all your usual traditional decorations. You were also baking cookies and other various foods. Your friends were coming over the following day and you wanted it all to be perfect. However, there was one who was clearly not in the holiday mood; Madara. He was sulking on the couch, half watching bad Christmas movies.

“Madara, what’s your problem?” You asked, pausing your decorating for a moment.

“Who cares? Tomorrow is what’s important.” His tone was bitter, alerting you to an issue and not just him being his regular bitter self.

“Tell me, please?”

“Today is my birthday.” Madara mumbled a moment later.

“I had no idea. I’m sorry. I would have celebrated it with you.” You sat on the couch with him, a sad look on your face.

“Don’t worry, it isn’t a day to celebrate.”

“Well, come on. Let’s get ready for tomorrow together. Maybe that will cheer you up.” You pulled Madara into the kitchen to help with decorating cookies. He ate a bit more than he decorated, but it succeeded in cheering him up. Overall, he was just happy to finally have a good birthday, all because of you.

[michael-weinstein]

Upon starting 12th grade

So, today I started 12th grade at my high school (Hartman Boys' High School in Jerusalem), and my feelings are quite mixed.

I officially finished 11th grade less than 2 months ago, on the 8th of July, with a retake of my math final. The first exam was so awful I barely passed. I just barely knew anything, and frankly at that moment I didn't care what my grade was. I was just trying to get out of the school building as soon as I could, eat something for dinner, and walk all the way home in the cool fresh evening air. Which is basically what happened. Whatever rough beginnings I made, were put on to official paper, and so, 5 hours after I started my exam (because of my autism, I am granted additional time), I left to eat a kebab for dinner. Turns out that most of the students in my math group had to redo it (for various reasons), so as soon school was sort-of over on 25th June, we were (in our ways) preparing for that new math final. I didn't want all of that, and apparently I was so convinced of my failure that 2 days before the exam, I had one of my nervous breakdowns. What might have seemed like a surprise months ago, and that I now understand as completely normal, is that I just needed that space to vent and curse the entire universe, because as soon as that was clear, I could go on doing something without serious care, and perhaps even scoring good in the process, which is what happened. In the few months, before all those exams, I don't get nervous on the day it happens, and rarely on the day before. It's always within the 2 or 3 days before that I explode and become utterly sociopathic. The moment I vented, the following day I'm either in better spirits, or I'm resigned to my fate, but I'm not so heated. Well, I arrived in very good spirits to the exam and, including breaks and rewrites in better handwriting (that's another of my privileges, especially since my handwriting is typically unreadable), it took me nearly 3 hours, less than an hour than the regular timetable! Every time I have one of these finals, the second I finish it, it's as if somebody has automatically given me a dose of cocaine out of the middle of nowhere. Even in my failed first math final it happened. I was relieved to be through it. At that time I just wanted to put everything behind me. I've had enough 10 months of this year trying to ruin me completely (they might have succeded, I don't know). But wow, I was seriously happy after that exam. When afterwards, I went to the same kebab restaurant and I met some of my fellow math-classmates, they said they had never seen me as happy I was that afternoon.

However, that was not all. Apparently, my "little class" teachers decided that since 10 "official" months was not enough, I was supposed to waste 2 weeks of my summer vacation with my friends to keep coming to the same building I was trying to avoid from now 4 days a week. Eventually, by the time of the second week, it actually kinda worked out. I was able, for the first time able, to go bowling and not act like a bipolar (I mean, it could be that I have bipolar, but it at least was far less extreme). And I actually came to, probably the first time in my life, to seriously appreciate these people. I think that what might've helped, was actually that something that was good in my life collapsed. The Discord server I used to hang out with basically fell apart, due to miscommunications, bad feelings, and deteriorating mental health. It actually happened at the height of my exams period, but I'm currently surprised at how much I was able to keep myself going forward and not just have a middle-life crisis while all of that was happening. That lack of friends online and abroad probably made me focus on the friends that were in my hometown, in real life. And boy, so far, I'm having more respect and admiration for my 4 friends and 3 teachers than I've ever had before in my life.

My vacation wasn't that settled though, because as soon as I came back home we had tensions in the family regarding a vacation in Cyprus (thankfully, it was cancelled due to the Delta variant). Those got healed over the vacation, but it took sometime. The first big push in that direction was the wedding of the nephew of my grandmother. I've seen too much of this world to believe that marriage, and even monogamy, would be for me. But these two, they seem to be perfect, and the reason for this (as for everything in life) is humor. The one seeming to go along with the other's dumb jokes is, for me at least, the ultimate sign of monogamous chemistry. By the time their wedding ended, I could tell that even if this would not cure my depression completely, it was at least a fantastic diversion from it (it was also the second wedding which I attended since I was a baby, and I'm sorry to say that I absolutely forgot the first one). In Jewish traditions, there is a tradition of family members spending a weekend with the newlyweds, showing up for their meals and having a good time with them. That weekend immediately followed the wedding, and it was quite good. What made the whole thing somewhat bizarre though, is that the locations of events (the places for the meals, and where we as a family were staying since we don't live in the area) was exactly the same locations of my school and conservatory. (My conservatory has always been close to my school. The recent difference is that due to location exchanges regarding various institutions, instead of the distance being 3 minutes in one direction, it's now a minute and a half in the other direction.) It was only when I went for an afternoon walk around the area when I finally grasped where I was.

The week after the wedding, my 17th birthday came and mind you, I wasn't that excited this year, but also not as existentially conscious as the pervious year. My reason for annoyance at the retake of the math exam (however succesful it was) and the summer camp activity-whatever (yes that's what it was), is that after this hell of a year I wanted to go completely off, and do whatever I wanted to do. It's also why I didn't feel like going to Cyprus, but it mainly had to do with the fact that family vacations had been, in my experience, a half-succesful compromise. However, instead of the planned Cyprus flight, it was decided that we spend a night doing family camping. The very beginnings of the day were rough (we were all depressed and uncaring), but the moment we got going, it was actually great! That camping worked out really well (I never thought I would say that as well). Also, later that week, I went laser-tagging for the first time (which was totally worth it).

Probably, my spirits are at the highest they've been in a long while, because this was also the first time in a long while (if I did before at all) that I felt that my summer vacation was slow, and not very much wasted. Every recent vacation, however satisfying it was (the summer of 2019 was very good, and I've always kept a note to myself to tell about it in greater detail on this platform), always felt too short. This one didn't. Today, as I was getting ready for school, I felt that I've had more or less the right amount of vacation to be ready for this year. Ironic and mysterious are the ways of the world, aren't they?

However, this evening, as I'm typing these words, I'm already getting the feelings that going forward this might be the same toughness, and I'm now probably more prepared to deal with whatever depression might hit me now.

[kosmicdream]

Temp. FFAK Official Timeline

This is a very rough, temp timeline for FFAK. It mostly covers events that have already happened or at least have been mentioned. I dont really cover anything that is happening in the present day timeline lol. I might make edits to this in case i fucked up in places or maybe ill just do a totally new one at some point! you dont even know how messy my actual one is like my god its an ever worse horrible clusterfuck of text. (Also remember, the ffak story has no time travel so dont be worried about that sort of mindfuckery!) enjoy

Years before 1414: Whenever was 600 million years ago i dont want to do the exact math: Evil Mother is born but shes not called that at all cuz she adopts that name later in life but just know she is here and readt to party Lots of stuff happens. like idk. evolution and life. 600 mil years is a long time ok -LALALA -HUMANS AT SOME POINT COME TO BEING.and form civilization and.. all that -modern human society exist! ppl have tvs and such. -Mandragora Worms have gone ‘extinct’!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ooooo -??????????? a ton of other stuff. isnt history cool?? kicks legs, yells -mysterious worm break outs all over dmtia. bombs fall. wars. despair!  -Grant Lumberman gets a doggy at some point and loves it but then it dies and so does his family and friends and his whole city he is relocated to the Auseklis moon colony (on Dmtia’s moon!) along w/ other Vena Cavian kiddos !!!! (in yr 1414)

YEAR 1415 [Scene From Ch. 11: Pages 3161-3196, 3400-3401] Characters: Randall Aiguille - Age 20 Mr. Rotten (Which was named “Aeschylus” at the time, created by Randall) Crosshatch Unit (sort of) Rembrandt Aiguille - Age 22 Grant Lumberman (Aka, ‘Good Leadman’) - Age 14 Octavian “Otto" Silverberg - Age 15 (I was gonna type up every referenced scene like this then i was like fuck it thats too hard! lol)

Years 1416-1425 ?????????????? (most events likely will be mostly covered in a prequel series.) YEAR 1420: Crosshatch Unit first programmed/built by Randall/Rembrandt Aiguille leadman and evil mother fall in lurv at some point

YEAR 1426 Miracle Baby Crimson is Born (From Good Leadman/Evil Mother worm fuck action yeehaw)

YEAR 1427 -Crimson’s 2 eyes are removed + Evil Mother Believes they are dead and leaves Leadman to work with Tricend -Canary is Born (From Evil Mother, and a King Worm) -Hekatons are made (From The King worm that made Canary, concept of Hekatons is from Evil Mother) -July 8th: Perkons Hatches and will not let anyone near the other 4 eggs!! stay away

YEAR 1428 - Good Leadman (Age 27) and Perkons (6 months old) Meet (Happens in Jan) (Multiple scenes in ch10, continued in Ch11) Perkons turns 1 in July. -Perkons gets a hold of 1 of Crimson’s eyes at some point, turns it into a Knife.

YEAR 1429 - Perkons turns 2 in july and is a fully matured adult. Rest of the 4 hekatons eggs hatch sometime after in that year. -Dievas assumes protective guardian role for his siblings.  -Dievas meets Aeschylus. (ch11) YEAR 1430 Perkons turns 3. The rest of the first hekatons are one. During this year they mature to an adult. YEAR 1431 Lauma meets Velns, who is imprisoned. Then shortly after, Perkons confronts Lauma, she is 2, he is 4. So It took place after July 1431. He transforms the 2nd crimson eye into a Spoon in front of her.

Years 1431-1448 (specific dates not all disclosed sry): -Velns/Lauma, Dievas/Laima begin making children. baby baby baby! YEAR 1438 - Crimson (Age 11) is eaten by a Hydragora Queen worm - loosing her human body in the process but gaining a worm one instead. -Crimson runs around in a destroyed city, holding a corpse. Meets Velns who taunts them. -Lauma and Dievas make up, and have their first nest together- a Batch of A/B hybrid eggs. -Lauma is killed by Perkons -Velns is killed by Perkons (Which was also on Dmtia’s Moon, so the moon is destroyed.) -Laima is “killed” by Perkons. (Actually survived, as part of Dievas’ plan.) -Perkons confronts Dievas with the Crosshatch Unit and mention they fight for Peace and under the “Thumb” alliance. Perkons kills Dievas. (scene in ch11) -Laima escapes with A/B Eggs, as well as other hekaton eggs. (and will later form the Ghost Kingdom, which she rules as queen.) ????? many other things happen????? these were some busy years folks

YEAR 1449 -Crimson meets a Helper, Galore the Hekaton, and a Bunny worm (who will later grow up to be agent Paper) in the forests of DMTIA (Ch9) -Galore “meets" her first parents, Lauma and Velns, in some mysterious coma dream thing from listening to crims sexy magical heartbeat (also Ch9) ??????????more events happen??????????? -Galore “Dies” by exploding. Crimson witnesses it. -Bunny wormed named Cirrus “Dies” and is buried in a grave. However, she was only injured she later climbs out only to witness Crimson and Celadon leave in Crimson’s truck and it was the saddest thing ive had to draw ok. i am crying even remembering it ??????????more secret events this was yet another busy and traumatizing year for crimson????????????? -Months later, Crimson (age 23) has a conversation with her third mandragora heart, and ends up having a period sex masterbate-y fantasy that made many readers scream in terror when they read it.(Ch11)

Years 1450-1904 god so much stuff happens during this time, lays on the ground. i mean just fucking look at how much time that is. thats over 450 years lol nbd right

YEAR 1905 -Agent Knife is sent on a remote mission (back to Planet Dmtia) to hunt down one of thumbs most wanted criminals, a man named “SIMON MCGOLD” -After months of searching/failed attempts at locating him, Knife confronts and is stung by Simon’s close personal bodyguard, a queen worm named Nail who is famous for killing over 50,000 Hekatons. (Gaining him the nickname “Hekaton Hunter.” (CH12) -?????????? more stuff happens like you dont even know????????

Years 1906-1924 ??????????? lots of stuff??????? lets laugh at some spoon stuff together tho -Spoon thinks Knife is stupid but weirdly interesting i guess -Spoon tries to pretend hes not in love w/ knife cuz thats like??? g...ay??? -Spoon realizes he’s totally hot for Knife and decides hes gonna totally seduce him -Spoon realizes flirting isnt going well with knife and is actually rly deeply hurt by rejection and so he tries to sleep around w/ other ppl  to pretend hes fine cuz w/e!! who cares -Spoon realizes hes totally in love w/ Knife and is devastated by Deeply Gay emotions -Spoon moves in w/ Knife and spoon tries to pretend he is fine w/ just being Knife’s obsessively devotedly loyal but not romantic/sexual partner. just ttly... platonic.. best dude pals..!!! who murder together -Spoon realizes he cannot handle just being friends and attempts to move out cuz he just is having a meltdown -Knifes like chill we’re already dating and Spoon is like “wtf we are?” and knife’s like “why else would i let you move in w/ me” and spoon just stares at a wall for like 12 hrs in shock -They start to officially for real date™ after spoon regains contact with reality -???????stuff??????? -Spoon dresses up as AGENT BEE!!!!!!!!!!!! THE MOST IMPORTANT EVENT IN ALL OF HISTORY HANDS DOWN MARK UR CALENDARS 

YEAR 1925 July 8th - Simon (now Agent Spoon) has been in a relationship with Knife for 20 years. He meets Celadon #1. Location is the forests on the moon THUMB HQ. who is rightfully pissed as fuck at him. kick his ass, girl (she does btw) (ch11)

YEAR 1926 -Knife Adopts a tiny perfect adorable fluffball c-type and names him Kurt. -Spoon hates it like more than anything ever -Spoon and Knife end up having to live separately, causing a huge strain in their relationship.

Years 1927-1936 -feeling neglected, Spoon starts to sleep around, including the Crosshatch unit and becomes p close friends w/ them! its actually a positive thing for once. wtf (ch11) -Kurt becomes Agent Fork and works alongside Agent Knife on missions and its adorable and great but knife’s depression is also growing bc he misses spoon

YEAR 1937 Cash Leadman is born! :D

YEAR 1938 Rome Aiguille is born! he doesnt even hate worms at this point! Years 1939-1955 more stuff. ect. 

YEAR 1956 -Locket confronts Knife. Knife is so traumatized from meeting a surprise biological child that he has a meltdown and vanishes. he is then believed to have died. -Spoon Explodes from sadness of the news, but does not die. Half of him leaves to Cash Leadman’s house, who convinces him to keep living. He becomes “Scissor”, using her former crosshatch robot body. (ch11) -The other half meets Locket and has his Spoon stolen from him. very sads. Also cant wear thongs anymore (ch11)

YEAR 1957 -At some point during this year, Spoon kills Agent Rock’s dad and also prevents Fork from being able to enter Wibbleworld (his dream). (Scene in ch8) -Fork goes back to prison (guess what, it wasnt his first time goin’ there!) 

YEAR 1958-present -the death of rock’s hot dad springs a chain reaction of all his sons trying to kill spoon and getting revenge. Spoon successfully kills them all though lmfao. dont fuck with the leg.  -fork breaks up with dollop and she starts stalking him

YEAR 1961 -Dylan and Agent Knife meet in Wibbleworld moon, on July 8th (his birthday) He reveals secrets to her. (ch11) -Dylan/Celadon and Antony believe they are successful at killing Agent Knife on this same day.

YEAR 1962 -Feb 2 - Aeschylus wakes up in LEVEL K of the Crosshatch Colony (The Aiguille Moon) and is escorted by Antony Aiguille (Age 21) and Celadon #1, #2 and #3. Dylan and Barfy show up. (Ch 11) -Dylan tries to convince Antony not to get eaten (and fails) (ch12) -March - A mysterious earthquake and worm outbreak kills 20,000 residents in the Crosshatch Colony. O_O  -July 7th - Fork meets Dylan for the first time. :3 (Another serving episode one!) -July 8th: This is where the present timeline begins! Canary wakes up on a platform. Hooray! we made it. i dont feel like typing out the events u can just read the comic i guess lol. farts! 

YEAR 1963: Hasnt actually happened yet, but the final feast is said to occur this year!!!!!!! O_O ooo  EDIT: one of the events were out of order, but this has been fixed (8/19/2017) 

[wheresrina]

london

oh hello, it’s been like a month and a bit since we have returned home and found this blog, i didn’t write about london! ah!

so here’s the london spiel. so weird because i remember writing about Amsterdam in our hostel the night before we left and thinking about that is kinda surreal.

18th of July

We travelled on the bus from Amsterdam to London, half of our topdeck group didn’t continue on with us but continued their travels from Amsterdam and even though we’d only been with them for 5 days, it feels strange leaving them. 

We navigated from the hostel in London they dropped us off to St Pancras train station at around 5pm. So in the middle of rush hour with our massive bags, it was pretty chaotic! We jumped on the Piccadilly line, en route to Bob and Soo’s place. Bob is Mum’s cousin on Grandma’s side of the family, we know them pretty well as they have visited us in Melbourne numerous times over the years!

Jumping off at Southgate we met up with Bob and Soo,  Soo greeted us with her gorgeous smile and we were so happy to see familiar faces! 

19th of July

We spent the morning doing all of our washing and little chores that Boo and Soo helped us navigate, Sam got a haircut in town and nearly ended up with a “Manchester cut” after the barber found out where his parents were from, very funny he was.

Went into London around midday, checked out the National History Museum and it was so packed full of families but it was so amazing. I swear, you could spend days in there! because it was so busy and you kinda had to shuffle through the exhibitions, we picked our battles and just checked out the stuff we wanted to see.

Next stop was Harrods, I’d heard a lot of cool things about Harrods from people I know that had been there. It was pretty cool but not as rad as i thought it would be? It was essentially an English, spruced up version of David Janes/Myer. Dunno, the way people spoke about it: it sounded pretty magical.

Ah well, definitely was worth going for the souvenirs and whatnot.

Decided to check out Hyde Park afterwards, saw more squirrels and i will not lie: I still get a little excited about seeing squirrels!

Caught the train and got off at Oakwood i think, met up with Lisa and Geoff for dinner. Lisa is Bob’s daughter and I remember meeting her when she visited us in Melbourne years ago. So it was nice seeing her again!

20th of July

Alright, leaving Southgate today. Boo and Soo offered to drive us to Bermondsey, where Linda’s apartment is. Which was wicked kind of them, we drove through Edmonton and Boo pointed Grandma’s high school; Laytmer School and where she used to live and some of her old haunts, we passed by the Tottenham Hotspurs new massive stadium as well. 

There was a nice Italian restaurant across the street from Linda’s place, so we treated Bob and Soo to lunch as our way of saying thank you. Thank you for looking after us and helping us out in any way possible, our gratitude is immense.

We had a very chill afternoon, Sam was coughing a lot and sounded pretty damn sick, Soo really helped in looking after him. We thought it was just fem on his chest, but apparently, it was bronchitis (learnt that when we got home in Aus). So we just chilled and chilled our last two days in London.

21st of July

Tower of London today! Was so awesome, perfect weather for it too. We rolled up and had a wander around, then realised that the beefeater tours were free, so waited a few minutes for that. the beefeater tour was incredible and so so invaluable, the guy taking it was really funny and very knowledgable. learnt all about the tower of london’s past but also it’s present. like all the beefeaters have had at least 20 years of military experience; either in the navy, airforce, seals or army in general. and they all live onsite, pretty damn cool.

we checked out the crown jewels, pretty amazing history and all the other exhibits about the grounds, pretty awesome start to the day and we love a good museum!

did buckingham palace, i mean the outside it pretty amazing to look at but idk, we were towards the end of the trip and there wasn’t too much going on, so we moved on pretty quick.

had dinner and then hit up the london dungeons, it was an amazing experience. it was like a performance going through all the rooms and it gave you a rough history of london but it was very entertaining. definitely not for the faint hearted, as there were rides and a lot of spooks during the performances from room to room. 

22nd of July

last day of our trip and in london :( (that’s a sad face), wicked sad but we made the most of the day, we trained it to Camden Town! if you know me, you know i LOVE a market and had heard about Camden market and just knew i’d love it, and i damn well did.

i loved camden market so damn much. i bought a few gifts for poeple back home and tried to find ange a 21st present but couldn’t find anything of really good value to warrant a 21st birthday present, you know?

anyway, loved that and had lunch there. we then followed the canal around, the sun was shining and i loved seeing the boats go past and all the every day life going on around us in paddington’s basin. We eventually found out way to regents park and damn, i remember being really hot and trying jump from shadow to shadow. Regents Park is so beautiful, like ugh, so beautiful because it’s huge and the grass goes for miles and there were so many dogs running around, we missed Tilly and Keji quite a fair bit at this stage as we’d beena way for more than a month at this point. 

We ended up at a tennis club, unsure how or why we ended up there but it was lovely. Got ice creams and just chilled,  just lounging around in total holiday mode. Decided on riding bikes to the Victoria and Albert Museum, So we rode from Regents Park to Hyde Park and riding, as we’ve learnt on this trip, is the best way to get around. No joke, that’s one of the biggest things i’ve taken from this trip: best way to travel around.

Walked into the Victoria and Albert Museum and I wasn't vibing it, you also had to pay to get it which I found weird as all museums in London had been free up until this point. Ah well. We headed home to Bermondsey, dropped by a Sainsbury’s (so British damn) for dinner and had a chill night of Netflix, packing suitcases and checking into flights. 

23rd of July

I was determined to have our last meal in London be at the Borough Market, so walked there in the morning and bought Linda some hand creams and whatnot from Aesop (appropriate as it’s from Melbourne, Aus heyo), right next to the Borough market, so that worked out big time. Had some brunch at the market and then walked home, the was really full-on at that time of day and won’t lie, we weren’t really handling it all that well.

Headed back to the apartment and took off to the airport, on the train of course. Because London is a great city and has a train to the airport, Melbourne should really start taking notes honestly. How on earth did Melbourne do the Commonwealth Games in 2016, no train from airport to city: ridiculous. 

Anyway, we got there fine and we were pretty much airport experts at this point of the trip. All over it. So many people on our flight were going back home, to Melbourne. So weird hearing an Aussie accent, hadn’t heard it for a while. 

Landed safely, in the very early morning of the 25th of July.  Got home at about 6am, just in time for Dad to be getting up for work and Mum had woken up as Dad did. Really missed them, after all that time. 

8th of September

I was pulling together the video for our trip and remembered about this blog and thought i’d update it!

It’s really crazy to think about all the things that have changed since I started planning this trip. I started planning about two years ago and I had a few things in place: see the people you want to see and the places they live in, that was about it. So my trip would’ve been: London, Denmark and Geneva really.

The whole “go overseas, to find yourself” worked out for me, it’s a strange feeling but I’ve come to terms with my place in this world and I know more about who I am now. It’s a bit strange that a month of holiday and life experiences. Even though I did a lot of self-discovery of sorts, I’m glad I had Sam with me. We learnt more about each other and vibed each other's boundaries because being together 24/7 was a thing we’d never really done before. With him joining me, it went from “my trip” to “our trip” and I’m so thankful for that. All the amazing people I met and all the amazing places I saw, wouldn’t have happened without Sam, he expanded the trip and we supported each other along the way. So I guess this trip brought us closer together, we have so many memories and now that I reflect, I couldn’t have imagined this trip alone, let alone without Sam.

My family here have had these amazing experiences as well, going to see Ged in Balgo and visited El Questro and a few other places.

I am forever grateful and so so lucky for this trip, all the opportunities I was able to experience. 

If you asked me: would you do it again?

Yes, in a heartbeat.

[writingthingsisdifficult]

Sam Winchester

Here’s all the Sam x reader stories I’ve written so far.

The thunder rolls Inspired by the song “Thunder rolls” by Garth Brooks. It’s a sad drabble. (Posted 18th March 2019)

I’m here We all have those days where we need a Sam to hold us, right? (Posted 29th April 2018)

The man in my dreams Dreams, heartbreak, and soulmates. (Posted on 3rd April 2018)

‘Tis the season to be jolly Working in retail before Christmas can be hell. (Posted on 29th December 2017)

Softie Being tired of pining after Sam, you decide to call in a favour from Crowley. (Posted on 26th November 2017)

Perfect afternoon A drowsy summer day with ice cream and Sam. Inspired by For Forever from Dear Evan Hansen. (Posted 10th September 2017)

Lame Daydreaming in a bar after a stressful hunt can lead to some interesting results. (Posted 8th July 2017)

Spirit bear You have a secret you’ve never told Sam and Dean. (Posted 4th June 2017)

The spell - the teaspoon girl pt 1 When Y/N turns tiny, the Winchesters have to help her and at the same time try not to squish her. (Posted 26th May 2017)

The teaspoon girl part 2: Calm down (Posted 27th May 2017)

The teaspoon girl part 3: The Bog of Eternal Stench (Posted 1st June 2017)

The teaspoon girl part 4: Half a noodle (Posted 15th June 2017)

The teaspoon girl part 5: Shrinking (Posted 18th June 2017)

The teaspoon girl part 6: Pretty dolly (Posted on 22nd June 2017)

The teaspoon girl part 7: Flying high (Posted on 15th July 2017)

Shifting perspective One Norwegian woman, one pining Sam, and a bunch of asshole shapeshifter. (Posted 15th April 2017)

Hiding no more Sam catches the reader hiding from her ex in the Impala. (Posted 12th March 2017)

Secrets What happens when both parties in a relationship keeps the same secret? (Posted 20th January 2017)

The death stare What to do when a thoughtless hairdresser makes you feel horrible about yourself? (Posted 6th January 2017)

Scribbles A small drabble where Sam finds you sleeping in the library. (Posted 3rd January 2017)

Scribbles part 2 - the next day (Posted 29th January 2017)

Have yourself a merry LITTLE Christmas A case involving a witch ends up with a small child. (Posted 20th December 2016)

Two-pounds-sugar solution Jealousy and baking. Perfect combination. (Posted 11th November 2016)

I’ve a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore The reader gets to do something many of us are dreaming about daily. (Posted 9th October 2016)

Breakfast Sam is behaving weird. What is he up to? (Posted 2nd October 2016)

Wish me luck The reader is gathering courage to ask Sam out - counting the reasons why he is wonderful. (Posted 26th September 2016)

Fury The reader doesn’t want to be angry, but don’t want to accept Sam’s comforting. (Posted 21st September 2016)

Here, kitty, kitty, kitty…  Sam + cursed object = adorable kitten. (Posted 19th September 2016)

Long overdue I think we all want to make Sam smile from time to time. (Posted 18th September 2016)

Popping the cork Two people get the same idea at the same time. (Posted 11th September 2016)

Murphy’s law - Popping the cork part 2 (Posted 26th October 2016)

Stay safe Sam sees the reader’s tattoo for the first time, and she tells him the story behind it. (Posted 15th August 2016)

As always Running errands for Crowley - not as fluffy as I usually write. (Posted  7th August 2016)

Hopeful visions and dreams The reader’s superpower is the ability to lull people  to sleep without nightmares… (Posted 7th May 2016)

A kiwi is more than a bird When you experience a particularly heavy period of homesickness, you turn to Middle Earth for comfort. (Posted 1st May 2016)

No chance of sleep Sharing a motel bed with Sam. (Posted 19th March 2016)

When she loved me Sam tells the story of how the two of you met. (Posted 21st February 2016)

The children are our future A spell gone wrong leaves two seven-year-olds and an eleven-year-old to try to fix everything. (Posted 11th January 2016)

The children are our future - part 2: Forever young (Posted 19th January 2016)

Sleeping arrangements Jealous!Sam is behaving like a jerk… (26th December 2015)

Home for Christmas Christmassy Sam fluff. (Posted 13th December 2015)

Four things and a lizard A super short one where Sam does stupid things in Y/N’s dreams. (Posted 2nd December 2015)

Get out! What happens when our beloved reader is possessed by a demon who wants to use her as the weapon to kill the Winchesters? (Posted 19th October 2015)

Remind me again You just want to be reminded that you’re wanted. How hard can it be? (Posted 14th October 2015)

To the rescue In which Sam is a perfect gentleman. (Posted 4th October 2015)

Phone call Sam overhears the reader’s phone call while he hides in her room. (Posted 14th September 2015)

Phone call - part 2: The game (Posted 19th September 2015)

The perfect life - part 1 The perfect life with Sam, Dean and Dog. (Posted 3rd September 2015)

The perfect life - part 2: Wake up (Posted 4th September 2015)

The perfect life - part 3: A new dream (Posted 6th September 2015)

Love to watch you leave In which Sam gets jealous. (Posted 29th August 2015)

Riddle me this A birthday treasure hunt. (Posted 21st August 2015)

Tattoo you Let’s get inked up. (Posted 17th August 2015)

Moment The moment you realise you’ve fallen for Sam. (Posted 16th August 2015)

Playing favorites Someone thinks the reader is behaving childishly… (Posted 10th August 2015)

A little celebration - main story Badass reader - self doubt. Written to celebrate 150 followers, and you choose between Dean, Sam, Castiel, and Crowley. (Posted 29th July 2015)

Sam (Posted 29th July 2015)

Yarrow Witches can be a pain in the ass. (Posted 9th July 2015)

Candy and vampires Being made fun of is never, well… fun. (Posted 3rd July 2015)

Never good enough Nightmares and dreamwalking. Warning: emotional abuse. (Posted 27th June 2015)

Drunken confessions They say that you always hear the truth from drunk people and children, and this time, the reader has had a lot to drink. (Posted 20th June 2015)

Dean: baby Who knew hunting with the Winchesters could be so hard? (Posted 13th June 2015)

Shut up Never hide your diary in your bed. (Posted 3rd June 2015)

Frozen A friendly reminder to always dress according to the weather. (Posted 31st May 2015)

Frogs and fairytales How many frogs would you be willing to kiss? (Posted 23rd May 2015)

Mare of the night Night terrors in the bunker. (Posted 15th May 2015)

Mr. Sandman Singing and dancing. (Posted 14th May 2015)

Carry me Adrenaline strength. (Posted 10th May 2015)

Scar You’re still the most beautiful girl I know. (Posted 6th May 2015)

Under ground Trolling taken to a whole new level. (Posted 3rd May 2015)

[Exit, pursued by bear] Shakespeare can be surprisingly hot. (Posted 8th April 2015)

Hurt Picking fights with drunk dudes might not be the best idea. (Posted 5th April 2015)

Switched You did WHAT to my body? (Posted 4th April 2015)

Kitten Life on four legs isn’t all that. The very first SPN fan fiction I ever wrote and posted. (Posted 25th March 2015)

[amyrizz]

2017

A Late Snow Day Reflection on 2017. I didn’t want to put this on my facebook, twitter on instagram where a lot of people follow me so here we go, a tiny bit more private. 

2017 Definitely had its ups and downs. I had some really good days, some really shitty days and some okay days. My Mental Health and anxiety weren’t fantastic. I left my therapist in February planning on finding a new one ASAP but I never did. 2018 I plan on finding a new therapist sooner and hopefully find one that clicks with me better. I experienced some new challenges at my job. I love my job but man it’s been harder this year. I have been tested at my job and it’s been making me question things a lot more than I did before than I started in 2015. I still figuring those things out in this school year(since i’m a para) and hopefully they will be figured out when the school year ends in June. I learned that money is a huge problem for me. I am not very good with money and I definitely need to figure out a way to make more money, spend less and save more. I definitely need to also learn how to save for big events that I really want to attend so that when they come up I’m not struggling to figure out how to afford them.(Long weekend cons and traveling mostly). I learned that a lot more things make me emotional than they used to and that’s okay but it’s just a bit newer and different for me to handle. (Hopefully a new therapist can help with that). I learned that I REALLY have a tough time with change(of any kind) but that sometimes it’s necessary. I learned that time is so fucking precious. You really have no idea how much longer you have left with people, animals, where you’re living, etc( all kinds of things). I’m not just talking about deaths but also friendships ending, people moving away, etc. 

 I gained a lot more confidence with my singing voice. I have been singing my whole life but I used to be really shy and more nervous about singing in front of people by myself. I got to have some vocal lessons and a workshop from two Broadway Actors, Jeremy Jordan and  James Snyder, who I look up to. Jeremy Jordan, my favorite Broadway Actor of all time, actually told me that I have a Very Nice Voice. That was a HUGE confidence booster and special moment for me.  I also returned to the stage in July, first time since college,  and got my own solo song in the show. It had been a dream of mine for almost 20 years to have my own solo song in a show and it finally happened. I gained SO much confidence from that show. It was an amazing experience for me. I really developed a strong bond to the Supernatural Family. I am in it for life now! My friends who I met at SPN Con in 2016 and I gained even closer in 2017. I talk to a few one of them every day. I also met some of my SPN Family in person who I have been talking to online for a while at SPN Con in September. And of course I met totally new people who are fucking amazing people as well. Speaking of Supernatural, I learned that some things are worth waiting for even if it’s for a REALLY Long time. (waiting for cons are AWFUL but always worth it). I learned that being selfish is okay in certain circumstances. Your mental health and taking care of yourself is so fucking important. And you don’t need to say sorry for your feelings, those are not something you should be apologizing for. I’m still catching myself for say sorry about my feelings but I’m trying to correct it every-time it happens since it’s been a habit for so long. I learned that being on my phone and social media all the time isn’t extremely mentally healthy and it’s been affecting so many of my relationships. I learned that if you are in a negative environment do whatever you can to ignore it and escape it if you can. That whining and complaining is not attractive, just like it’s not with the preschoolers I teach. 

Here’s more of a breakdown now of my 2017 by month and numbers:

January 2017:

15th- Matt and I went on a staycation to Rye Brook, NY over MLK weekend even though I was getting over the stomach bug. 

20th- I FINALLY saw Waitress with my friend Tara. I even got to see Jessie Mueller before she left. It was incredible and extremely emotional.

26th-29th- Broadway Con weekend Year 2 with Nicole! I got to meet James Monroe Igleheart and Adam Jacobs after seeing Aladdin. I got amazing photos with Ben Cameron and Anthony Rapp. I learned how to do musical improv. I met amazing friends, stalked Darren Criss and many other amazing memories!

February 2017:

4th- FINALLY saw Dear Evan Hansen with my family. Holy shit Ben Platt is a god, that is all. I sobbed throughout most of the show.

6th- Saw Lacey Sturm’s solo show also with Stitched up Heart. It was an incredible show and worth it staying up late on a Monday and going into work the next day :P

10th-12th- Surprise trip from Matt to go to Providence, Rhode Island. We saw my favorite play on tour, The  Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nighttime, which was amazing to see again. We went to another favorite of mine, the Bodies Exhibit, which was fucking amazing and so cool again! We went to Monster Mini Golf, which Matt introduced me too, and had a blast. We watched the Grammy’s. And we met up with my Grandma in the snow to have lunch. 

13th- Had an online Galentines Day Celebration with Ashley, Rose and Tessy. We made waffles and watched the Galentines Day episodes together on Rabbit. Matt also surprised me with a celebration dessert for my half birthday. 

18th- Saw Newsies the movie, Jeremy Jordan version, with Rachel, Nicole, Matt and Rachel’s boyfriend in New York City. TONS of fangirling was involved! 

19th- Met up with Audrey in Trumbull. We hung out for the first time since meeting at SPN con 2016. We went to the Trumbull Mall and went to a trampoline park.

26th- Yearly  Watch the Oscars with Matt. 

March 2017

8th- Saw Amaranthe’s headlining tour in NYC with Matt and Veronica. I also fell in love with their openers, Citizen Zero and Smash into Pieces. Totally worth also going on a Wednesday and then going to work the next day :P

18th- Saw Amelie with Nicole. Phillipa Soo and Adam Chanler Berat were awesome! We also bought last minute tickets to see Phantom of the Opera at the box office and got box seats! It was super spontaneous and fun! 

23rd-Saw Enter Shikari’s headlining tour in NYC with Veronica and Matt. My 3rd or 4th time seeing Enter Shikari live, they’re always fun and crazy too :P

25th- FINALLY saw HAMILTON after  buying tickets nine and a half months in advance. Taran Killam was hysterical as King George.  Matt and I went to Ninja NY after to eat, it had been a long time since we had been there too. 

April 2017: 

1st- Saw Chanticleer in Westport with Matt :)

7th-10th- Went to Boston with Alec, Nishant and Matt. Nishant got his first pedicure with me. Nishant and I drove the boat on the duck tour. Had a blast at the Edward Kennedy Museum. Stayed in an Air B and B for the first time( 2 actually), sleepover!

10th- Won the Lottery to see In Transit for the second time. I found out at the stagedoor that they had announced closing for that weekend before our show started :(

12th- Met Christian for the first time when we went to see Your Name together with Matt, Keela and Brendan. 

15th- Spontaneous trip to New Jersey with Matt. We had really good food on the water front and played mini golf. 

19th- Won the Lottery to see Groundhog Day, even though Andy Karl was not in it. Fell in love with the show. Worth going on a weeknight :P

21st- Had a Voice Lesson with Eliana from Leave’s Eyes before their show. Nishant cooked us a meal in his apartment, so proud of him. Saw Sabaton’s headlining tour with Leave’s Eyes opening for them. 

29th- Saw Charlie and the Chocolate Factory on Broadway with Matt. 

May 2017

1st- Reunited with my cousin Bobby years later and met his wife and daughter for the first time. 

9th- Saw my favorite band The Classic Crime after waiting a REALLY long time to see them live again. I also took a very nice and deserved personal day.

15th- Broadway Bakes at Schmackary’s and saw Jeremy Jordan preform in a Classic Stage Company Benefit Song at Lincoln Center. 

21st- My Baby Sister Graduates from College!

25th-29th-  Visited Ashley in Brockport, NY with Abby for Memorial Day weekend. Went in the Lockport Caves where they had a boat ride inside! Ashley got her first professional pedicure with me. We went go karting, garbage plates, dave and busters, RIC roc fest, etc.

June 2017

4th- Did my second annual Kidney Walk with Matt in Hamden, CT. Nishant came to CT for dinner later that night. 

6th- Finally Met Donny for the first time. Me, Christian, Matt and Donny had dinner at Bar Taco. I met my spirit animal :)

9th-11th- Anniversary trip to Shelton, CT. Went to Pride in the Park in Norwalk. We rode the waterslide in our hotel so much! We found a really cool sports arcade where we played mini golf and arcade games. Also the Tony’s were this weekend too!

25th- NYC Gay Pride Parade with Amy. And did a workshop with JEREMY JORDAN where he told me that “You have a very nice voice”. I later had dinner with my Uncle. 

July 2017

2nd- I took Audrey to her first broadway show, Chicago, Then we saw The Station Breaks in NYC. 

11th- Lost my sweet, sweet guinea pig Coco Bean Marie :(

14th-15th- Returned to the stage in Perfect the Cabaret at the Carriage House Theatre. :)

23rd- Saw Korn, Stone Sour and Skillet in Hartford, CT with Matt, Brendan and Shute. 

25th- Saw Citizen Zero’s first headlining tour in NYC with Matt.

27th- Matt and our first wedding of the year. Jay’s wedding in NJ. Stayed over with Jamel and Pat, sleepover and a gorgeous hotel. We had a BLAST at this wedding!

28th- Explored NJ with Matt, Jamel and Pat. 

29th- Vocal Few’s Living Room Tour in  NYC with Matt. 

August 2017:

3rd- Broadway in Bryant Park with Nicole. Found a Sing a long in Byrant Park after. 

5th- GISHWHES starts, my first time!

10th- Broadway in Bryant Park with Nicole and Danielle. Sing a long in Bryant Park. Saw Bandstand. 

11th- Breaking Bad RV Bar with Matt in Brooklyn.

13th- My 27th Birthday. Went to Medieval Times for the first time to celebrate my birthday with Matt, Veronica, Christian, Pat and Kate. Had a fucking blast!

19th-20th- Flame Con in NYC, first time. I also went to 54 below for the first time to see Jeremy Jordan preform! He recognized me too, oh boy:P 

22nd-26th- Summer Vacation to Seattle with Matt for our first time. Went to a Cat Cafe for the first time. I also did a yoga class in the cat cafe. Went to the top of the space needle. Museum of Pop Culture. Amazon Bookstore. Saw Idina Menzel in concert. Kerry Park. Went to the first Starbucks store ever. Rode on a monorail. Gum Wall. Museum of Science where we saw Terracotta Warriors. 

September 2017:

1st- Saw Flamingos at the Maritime Aquarium with Matt and Brendan

9th- The Play that Goes Wrong with Matt followed by Groundhog Day, which i won the lottery for again. I finally got to see Andy Karl in Groundhog Day.

17th- Saw Miss Saigon with Nicole. I couldn’t stop sobbing at this show. Fell in love with Eva Noblezada and I got to meet her too after.

21st-24th- SUPERNATURAL CON in New Jersey, FINALLY! Met Thor the Impala. Met Ruth and got to ask her a question at her panel. Got a shower cap from Ruth and a hug after. Won the lottery to ask Jared and Jensen a question. Got to ask Misha a question when he did a last minute panel. Saw Jensen sing at Saturday Night Special. 

29th- Alec visits! Went to the View taping with him and Nishant. Met Adam Scott after he taped on the show. Epica/Lacuna Coil show with Alec, Matt and Veronica.

30th- Walked the Brooklyn Bridge at night with Alec and Nishant. went to the MET museum with Alec. 

October 2017:

1st- saw  A Bronx Tale with Alec and Nishant

7th- New York Comic Con with Nii, Matt and Christian. Met Robbie Thompson :)

8th- Elsie Fest with Nicole. Got a beautiful photo with Darren Criss before.

14th- Scott’s birthday celebration with Rebecca and Kate. Went to see Rags at the Goodspeed Opera House in East Haddam, CT.

19th-22nd- Gilmore Girls Fan Festival in Kent, CT. Audrey also came over the day before to watch the SPN episode with me. Got a Jet Tub in my room. stress tap dancing class. Todd Lowe preformed with his guitar for us. Coffee Monologues. Face timed with Lauren Graham.

26th- Rocky Horror at Avon Theatre with Matt and Rob.

28th- Brian and Ashley’s wedding in Long island, City. Our hotel had a beautiful rooftop view. 

November 2017:

2nd- Saw A Perfect Circle with Matt at Barclays Center in Brooklyn

3rd- Tom and Stephanie’s wedding in Long Island.

10th- Finally saw Evanescence with Veronica and Matt in Brooklyn.

18th- Anime NYC with Nii, Matt, Brendan, Christian, Pat and Jamel. First year ever. cosplayed as L from Death Note. Sleepover at an Air B and B in Weehawken, NJ.

22nd- Macy’s Balloons with Nicole. Saw Kinky Boots with OBC members Stark Sands and Billy Porter.

29th- Saw Anastasia with Matt, Rob and Ashley

December 2017:

1st- Chanticleer in NYC with Matt

2nd- Trumbull Mall, Matching Leggings, Milkcraft and Wonderland at Roseville with Chris and Audrey :) First time hanging out with Chris outside of Con!

10th- NYC- Museum of Natural History with Nicole and Matt to see Mummies! Beautiful with Nicole to see Kara Lindsay. James Barbour’s Christmas Show with Kate at Birdland.

17th- First Annual Darien Carols by Candlelight. Such a magical and special time.

23rd- NYC Tourist Adventure with Matt to see Bryant Park, Rockefellar Tree, Saint Patrick’s Cathedral and Saxs Fifth Avenue. 

24th- Brunch at Greenwich Hyatt with Matt and his Mom. Christmas house adventure in the hail to a Milford house and Wonderland at Roseville.

31st- Shute’s house to celebrate with Pat and Matt before they move away :(

Summing everything up:

I traveled to:

1.) Providence, Rhode Island

2.) Boston, Massachusetts

3.) New Jersey- various towns

4.) Brockport, NY/Rochester, NY

5.) Seattle, Washington

6.) Kent, CT

7.) Shelton, CT

Shows I worked on:

1.) Baby at DAC

2.) Sylvia at DAC

3.) Perfect Cabaret with Lipstick Project

Shows I saw on Broadway:

1.) Waitress

2.) Aladdin(second time)

3.) Dear Evan Hansen

4.) Amelie

5.) Phantom of the Opera(not the first time)

6.) In Transit(second time)

7.) Groundhog Day(saw it twice!)

8.) Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

9.) Chicago(second time)

10.) Bandstand

11.) The Play that Goes Wrong

12.) Miss Saigon

13.) A Bronx Tale

14.) Anastasia

15.) Beautiful

16.) Kinky Boots(second time)

Concerts I saw: 1.) Lacey Sturm/Stitched up Heart- NYC

2.) Amaranthe/Citizen Zero- NYC

3.) Enter Shikari- NYC

4.) Chanticleer(saw them twice!)- NYC and Westport, CT

5.) Sabaton/Leave’s Eyes- NYC

6.) The Classic Crime- Hamden, CT

7.) The Station Breaks- NYC

8.) Stone Sour, Skillet and Korn- Hartford, CT

9.) Citizen Zero- NYC

10.) Vocal Few- NYC

11.) Idina Menzel- Washington

12.) Epica/Lacuna Coil- NYC

13.) Elsie Fest- NYC

14.) A Perfect Circle- Brooklyn, NY

15.) Evanesence- Brooklyn, NY

I went to 3 weddings: Jay, Tom and Stephanie’s and Ashley and Brian’s

Conventions I went to:

1.) Broadway Con- January 2017 in NYC

2.) Flame Con- August 2017 in NYC

3.) Supernatural Con- September 2017 in NJ

4.) New York Comic Con October 2017

5.) Gilmore Girls Fan Festival October 2017

6.) Anime NYC November 2017

Here’s to 2018 I cannot wait! :)

[doxycideme]

A story of why my life sucks right now

Alright, well its 3am right now, and I’m incredibly down as usual, and I wanted someone to talk to. I know at this point my friends are tired of it, so its okay if ya don’t read this. I’m venting as my life as become a literal angst fanfiction.

I kissed a girl at her 8th grade birthday party/sleepover while everyone else was asleep. (for privacy sake I’ll call her Miranda, and as a reference I am also female). She was my first kiss and i was so happy/excited/scared. I had always shown an interest in her privately, and when she said she wanted to be together, I was over the moon. But then I got scared and backed out because I had no idea what my family would’ve thought and it was the first person I had ever liked. 

So fast forward to end of our sophomore year. We are in theater together and The Breakfast Club was being shown in theaters. Someone from the club asked me on a date to it and I said yes without knowing it was a date. Miranda found out and told me and when I explained I didn’t know she asked me out. I still liked her loads so of course I said yes.

Within the span of less than 6 months I was head over heels in love. We spent every second we could together and I even got in trouble quite a bit for staying out past curfew just to see her longer. When I told my parents it was most terrifying but freeing thing I had ever done in my life. We spend a year and a half in absolute bliss (obviously with still fights cuz what couple doesn’t at some point?). 

Then we had to face college. Even though we both were attending the same school, we were terrified that we’d grow apart, and on June 24th, 2016 she proposed to me. We didn’t tell anybody because we were so young (both at 18) but god, I was the happiest I had ever been in my life.

I had problems with depression ever since I can remember, but with her it all just… went away. Sure, I had bad days but I was so much better emotionally with her around. Anyway, we live together for a school year in a tiny apartment and it was the best year of my life. We planned our future together- kid names, jobs, where to spend holidays, we had it all figured out. At the end of the school year, she found out she didn’t get into the program she wanted to be in, and planned to transfer. Even though my family didn’t like it I planned to go with.

And then came summer. During the summer I had to have a full time job to be able to pay for school, so we didn’t see each other nearly as much, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t go and see her before and after shifts so much that I was barely ever at my home. She started spending time with her friends from high school since she was a little lonely, and I understood that.

On May 28th of this year Miranda got really drunk and cheated on me with a mutual friend. It didn’t go too far, but there was kissing and touching and obviously I was devastated. When she came to my house the next morning she was bawling her eyes out and was apologizing and saying she deserved to be left. But I didn’t leave her. I was supposed to be engaged to this person, I wasn’t gonna leave when times got tough. 

A little less than a month after that, on June 15th Miranda asked for a break to figure things out. She wouldn’t tell me what she had to figure out (I still don’t know) and that was that. 

On July 11th, 2017, on the same day I ended up with a speeding ticket, she left me. She broke up with me at a park around 5pm. She just kept saying that she still loved me but she just couldn’t do it right now. And something inside me just died. She followed me home to make sure I didn’t crash and that was it.

I had to cancel my transfer and figure all that out but everything just felt pointless. Like I was trying to go up an escalator that was set to go down. We were talking right after we broke up, because I didn’t want to lose her, and I wanted her as at least a friend.

Skip a few months and we are both at separate schools. Miranda still says she loves me but can’t do a relationship and I get it. I mean it sucks, but I get it. I’m seeing a therapist because I can hardly get myself out of bed, since my depression took a nosedive over the summer for obvious reasons. 7 days before my birthday I find out she deleted almost all of the pictures she had of us on social media and when I ask why, I get a “its just too hard”. 

4 days before my birthday, her friend somehow got a hold of her phone password (Miranda said she had no idea this was happening since she was out getting food, but she never gives out her password so idk) and played a prank. She texted me and said “i’m Miranda’s girlfriend now so you need to f-off” (keep in mind me and Miranda are talking as friends). Obviously I’m upset because I feel like I’ve been lied to, as she told me she didn’t want a relationship. So because I’m stupid I called to ask her whats going on. Her friend puts me on speaker in front of Miranda’s roommates and all her friends and I ask that question since I was told she didn’t wanna talk but would listen. I get laughed at and then hung up on. I then proceed to be a mess in front of my roommates, had my parents drive up to see me, and am just generally really upset.

Once Miranda tells me she didn’t know what was happening I was angry. I knew she didn’t ever give out her password but who knew now, since we’d been broken up for like 3 months at that point. Anyway, she gets upset at me for being angry and then says that we shouldn’t talk anymore. (She is still friends with all people involved btw lol)

We haven’t talked in exactly a month and that’s where I’m at. I’m scared to text her because she might have been involved but I miss her so goddamn much I think about doing it every 2 seconds. I went from thinking I was gonna marry my best friend to not talking to this person at all in less than 5 months. Tonight I saw she has officially deleted anything about us from all social media.

Ultimately I hate it all. I hate that this happened to us. I hate myself for still loving someone that clearly doesn’t love me back, and I hate myself for feeling like there’s still a chance. I’ve always felt a string of fate connecting us and I still do. I hate it. I want that feeling to go away so I don’t hope for something that won’t happen. I don’t want to feel like I need her anymore, or like I need to text her.

So that’s it. I am absolutely, devastatingly, soul crushingly in love with my ex-fiance, ex-best friend, and a now perfect stranger.