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Scream Bloody Murder (2003)

2003's Scream Bloody Murder is yet another crappy horror film that doesn’t have a Wikipedia page, meaning I have to do a whole bunch of homework to accurately tell you how much it sucks. On the upside, this film is not a zero-effort waste of everyone's time. At least it’s got some self-deprecating humor here and there - unlike pictures like Wedding Slashers or S.I.C.K.: Serial Insane Clown Killer.

The students from the all-girl Cherry Mount Academy are on their way to a dance with the nearby all-boys school when their “bus” (actually just a van) breaks down. While they kill time waiting for the creepy mechanic to get it fixed, they are stalked by a mysterious killer.

This movie is almost good. From the beginning, you can tell it’s terrible. The performances are abysmal. It’s clear the actresses were picked for their ability to look good rather than any promising futures in the film industry but that’s ok, there are some decent jokes here and there. Nicole Elane Andris as Star has some funny lines as she makes it clear she'll be welcoming the boys at the dance with open legs. There’s promiscuous and then there’s this girl, whose every line is about sex, but in a manner that’s so outrageous, you laugh.

The camera work is shoddy, the special effects unconvincing, and the story predictable as the hands on a clock. About 5 minutes in, I predicted (correctly) who the killer was going to be. There’s a character whose actions clearly label them as the killer immediately and the idea that you won’t be able to guess is ludicrous. Everything about the film sucks so bad you can see Scream Bloody Murder digging its own grave at an inhuman speed. Then, suddenly, it goes ALL THE WAY with its idiocy. That grave it’s been digging bursts through to the other side of the planet. It works as a horror-comedy… but then it keeps going. Up and up, defying all logic, it keeps shoveling air and propelling itself forward until it breaches the atmosphere and lands on the sun, where it suffers a horrible (but deserved) fiery death.

This film wants to make you laugh, but the acting is so awful it becomes insufferable. People are usually exaggerating when they say “I’ve seen better acting than this in a porno!”. I’m being serious. For nearly 10 years, I worked in a video rental store that carried adult films. I had to check a number of them when customers complained that the discs skipped. When I say that the scenes in which the obligatory sexually confused student discusses her curiosity with Miss Beaver (Tara Thompson), you'll be begging them to take off their clothes so they can just shut up.

For years, a friend of mine swore up and down that Scream Bloody Murder was the worst movie ever. It isn’t, but anyone with any sense of self-preservation would turn if off within 10 minutes. Even with the intentional laughs Scream Bloody Murder is not worth it. Sure the ending is so crazy it becomes fun, but they don't compensate for the scariest part of this horror-comedy: the performances. If you’re curious, like so curious you’re tempted to see it no matter what I saw, just watch the trailer instead. The plot is so simple you’ll be able to fill in the blanks while it shows you every single death scene, the best jokes, the worst jokes… and the ending too! That's a much better use of your time. Scream Bloody Murder is a bucket of vomit on your doorstep, but there are a few quarters at the bottom. (On DVD, August 23, 2016)