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authorivansanchez · 6 years ago

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In Loving Memory of Johnny Torres 2/21/1969 – 3/27/2019

First and foremost, our family would like to thank everyone who has been supportive throughout this very difficult time in our lives, which in all honesty has caught us way off guard.

We want to thank everyone who came out to the hospital to wish Johnny a peaceful transition into his next journey. Everyone who called, wrote messages, donated money to his Go Fund Me. And to everyone who has shed tears over the last 5, 6, 7 days. But more so, everyone who has laughed over that same time period, at some silly memory of Johnny, which surely popped into your head, when you least expected it.

Let’s not forget who Johnny was, as we celebrate his life over the next few days. It’s completely understandable for all of us to mourn this tremendous loss, but please let’s not lose sight of who Johnny was at the core of his soul.

A man who would take the worst moments in life, and find some funny shit to say, to ensure that everyone’s pain was eased, if only just for a moment.

I want to take a second to ask you all to have some patience with me, and to please send some positive vibes up here, so that I can get through this.

Though I’ve written several eulogies for my friends and family over the years. I’ve never had the courage or strength to read them out loud.

However, for my brother Johnny, my lifelong protector, my mentor in many facets of life, and my heart. I must find the courage to honor him by standing in front of you all today and sharing a little bit about what Johnny meant to us all.

There’s a saying by Maya Angelou that states, “One isn’t necessarily born with courage, but one is born with potential. Without courage, we cannot practice any other virtue with consistency. We can’t be kind, true, merciful, generous or honest…”

For those of you who don’t know. I’ve drawn more courage from the Torres family, than I could ever explain. Through that courage, they’ve allowed me to flourish to my full potential. For that reason, I’ll do everything in my power to honor Johnny, and all of his loved ones, properly with my words.

To honor the love his mother Vilma, his father Herman Sr., his wife Mickey, his daughter Alyssa, his son Tristan, his granddaughters Gemma and Geanna, his brothers Herman Jr. and James, and his sisters, Valerie and Tabby, all hold very deeply in the depths of their souls and hearts.

Of course, we’re Puerto Rican, so while I’d love to mention everyone in the family by name, all Johnny’s nieces, nephews, cousins, aunts, uncles, friends, and the list goes on and on…

We would run out of time. Boricuas don’t die… We multiply. There are thousands of us...

I did tell Mickey I needed 6 hours to speak about Johnny today, but she cut my time down to 4 hours, so let’s get into this celebration of Johnny’s life…

Johnny was born in the Manhattan, NY on Feb. 21st 1969, under the zodiac sign Pisces.

For those of you who follow the signs, “There is nothing weak about a Pisces. They have the heart of a soldier, and when it comes to family and friends, they would do anything…”

Let’s pause there for a moment…Because I want you all to process those words...

And let me repeat that last sentence, “When it comes to family and friends, they would do anything…”

Sound like the Johnny we all know and love?

When you talk about Pisces being soldiers. Johnny was born into a world that was surrounded by drugs, poverty, despair, violence, extreme violence, with over 1,000 murders in NYC recorded in 1969.

The Vietnam War was still going on, the battle of Hamburger Hill happened in 1969. And let’s not forget the race riots breaking out Down South, but also in places like Chicago, and even right next door to NY, in places like York, PA, where an African American woman named Lillie Belle Allen was murdered by two white men, simply for the color of her skin.

Why should any of this matter to anyone in this room?

It matters because Johnny, our brother, our family member, our friend. Had no choice but to be a soldier being born into circumstances like these. Being born into a world in which the odds of survival were already stacked against him from the very moment of his birth.

But do you know what Johnny had working in his favor?

He had a mother, like my Titi Vilma. And a father like my Uncle Herman, who were going to raise him to be a man of compassion, empathy, conviction, loyalty and honor.

Did Johnny have demons he had to battle throughout his 50 years here on this earth? Hell yes.

And who amongst us, sitting in this room today hasn’t battled demons, from the moment we realized this world, at times, can be a cruel and cold place, for reasons outside of our control?

But today isn’t about that...

Today is about the fact that Johnny lived his life completely encompassed in love. Walking the earth with a heart so big, he sometimes didn’t know where to direct all his love, or even how to control it.

I can tell you in his early years, if you look at the pictures on the slide show, that he showered his family with unconditional love.

I can tell you that in so many of the pictures I’ve been looking at over the last few days, that his smile is infectious. It’s ever-present, it never leaves his face, even when we all know he had an underlying pain he was dealing with throughout life...

It’s as if he believed his jokes, his smile, and his laughter, would erase any and all pain he had. While at the same time erasing the pain of anyone and everyone around him.

And guess what, that shit worked a lot. It worked more times than not.

And that’s why I don’t want to cry all day today. I will cry, when the pain becomes too great. But I’ll also laugh and smile as Johnny would’ve wanted us all to do...

So, we’re talking about Johnny. And we’re talking about love…

So, who do we need to speak about next?

His partner of almost 33 years. Michelle...

Johnny and Mickey met on August 1, 1986. She told me it’s hard to put into words why she fell so deeply in love with him.

But she recalls when she first saw him at a party, she was like, “Wow, he’s so fine…”

Mickey made it a point to say, “Fine,” was a 1986 term most of you young bucks might not remember. It means gorgeous, hot, cute, adorable... Basically Johnny was litty two titty...

When Mick found out that a mutual friend, Myrna, knew Johnny, she asked her to introduce them…

They started talking, and one day Johnny walked her home...

And if any of you know what taking that long ass walk up suicide hill was like; you’d know immediately Johnny must’ve really thought Mickey was just as fine…

Cause all the guys in here who grew up in Kingsbridge, will attest to the fact, that we did not, I repeat we did not, walk girls up that damn hill unless they were worth it…

Anyway, during that first walk home, Mickey gets the courage to tell Johnny how “fine” he was.

She told him she was attracted to him and she wanted to see if this “thing” could go somewhere.

Mickey shared with me that when they got to the top of that God forsaken hill, Johnny gave her the most amazing, most beautiful spearmint flavored kiss she’d ever experienced.

And the story of Johnny & Michelle was born. She fell in love with him at that very moment. She never looked back. She never questioned her heart... For her it was unexplained, but it was just right... No words needed!

For me personally, hearing a story like this, tells me, this was more than just love. It was more like, “I’ve known you in another lifetime kind of love.” It was more of a, “No matter how hard life may become along the way, I’m going to have your back, and I need you to have mine…”

It’s the love only soulmates share.

There’s a saying by Emery Allen, which reads, “I feel like a part of my soul has loved you since the beginning of everything. Maybe we’re from the same star…”

In my heart, and the hearts of most in this room. We all know that Johnny and Mickey certainly came from the same star.

And I promise you Mickey, when it’s your turn to transition back to that star. Your soulmate Johnny will be right there waiting for you with open arms, with his warmth, his love, his familiarity and most importantly with his spearmint flavored kisses.

We all know there’s good and bad in every relationship, right?

But again, we’re here today to focus on the good.

And for Mickey, the good was Johnny’s heart, the fact that he could always make her laugh. The fact that he was thoughtful, nice, loving and that she could never get enough of him. Even after 32 plus years, she could simply never get enough of this big hearted man. A man we’re all sitting here honoring for that very same reason… His heart.

Johnny taught me a lot in life. But he never taught me how to ensure a woman could never get enough of me. Shit, my last wife had gotten so much of me she stabbed me four times to get rid of me... So, I’m a little upset with you Cuz. You should’ve taught me how to keep em’ wanting me... Not wanting to get rid of my ass… Regardless, I forgive you for that one.

Michelle, I don’t think anyone in this room can love or appreciate you more for loving Johnny as you did! We all thank you for loving him so unconditionally, so unapologetically, so wholly and so perfectly, like only his true soulmate could have.

I know from what you’ve written to me and our conversations that you feel robbed right now. That you feel cheated, out of the time you still feel owed, to have shared so many more memories on this earth with Johnny. And if anyone deserved that wish to be granted it would be you.

I wish I had answers for you on why God chose to take Johnny at this time. But remember, he’s a soldier. In life. And now he’s a soldier in the afterlife.

I have no doubts, as he makes this peaceful transition that he’ll be pushing every other angel out of the way to stand right behind God. In true Johnny fashion he’ll say, “God listen. I don’t have time to stand behind all these other soldiers and angels you have up here. I’m built for this. So, if you don’t mind, I’m just going to stand right here next to you and fight whatever evil we need to fight together…”

I’d like to repeat to you Mickey, that this is not the end. It’s the beginning of his transition back to that star.

That same star you both emerged from, as light and energy, before you ever met here on earth in the physical form. And I promise you that your soulmate Johnny, will be right there waiting for you, with open arms, with his warmth, his love, his familiarity and most importantly with his spearmint flavored kisses.

To the rest of my family here today. Please know the same is true for all of us. Johnny will be right there, with big golden wings on, which he may or may not have earned just yet. Waiting for all of us, when we’re called on to enter the next phase of our journey.

With all of that said, I’d like to share a few of my memories, that I have with Johnny. So that those who don’t know what he meant to me, can understand that our relationship was just as special as his relationship with everyone in this room.

He loved us all the same. Even when he might’ve been a little upset with us at times. His love still managed to shine through it all.

So, Johnny taught me how to drive stick shift in his RX7. I think I was about 16. After about a 30 minutes lesson in Hunts Point, he gave me the keys to go to Fordham Rd, with one of my little Kingsbridge girlfriends.

After spending like an hour on Fordham, I had to call him because I couldn’t figure out how to turn the car back on. Something about holding down the clutch, break, whatever, whatever, at the same time. Stick is still confusing to me. I didn’t get that gift from Herman or Johnny…

Next, he gave me the keys to his Cutlass. I think it was white, had a system and rims. And I took a ride with one of my first true loves (another Kingsbridge girl) up to Riverdale. I never told Johnny, I ended up driving his car down the wrong side of the street… I smoked a little too much weed that night. And yes, I inhaled. Thank God I didn’t crash his prized possession…Not sure he would’ve forgiven me.

Another thing I think everyone in here can attest to, besides Johnny having a heart of gold, was, DO NOT COMPLIMENT JOHNNY ON ANYTHING FOR ANY REASON…

Do you all know why?

It wasn’t that he didn’t like compliments. It was that if I complimented Johnny, on anything. anything, anything, anything, and I do mean anything he’d want you to have it…

If I said, “Yo Cuz, I love that sweater,” He’d take the shit off and give it to me.” “Yo Cuz, I love that Yankee fitted hat,” Same thing, he’d take it off and give it to me.

“Yo Cuz, the sound system in your car is ridiculous…” And what do you think he did?

Yep, he took my purple Jeep Wrangler, and came back a few hours later with it. He’d taken the entire system out of his own car and put it in my Jeep.

His response, “Yo Cuz, we can’t go to the PR parade with a Jeep and no system…”

Poor Mickey. She probably went to get in the car to drive to work that Monday morning, put a CD in, and ended up watching the CD drop into a hole into the dashboard…

I’m sorry Mick…

Johnny also taught me how to take a punch. Herman did, my brother Will did, Big Rich did, they all did… To this day, you can hit me with a baseball bat and I’ll just look at you like, “Was that supposed to hurt?”

So, we all worked down on 42 Broadway, printing stock exchange reports. Big Rich thought it would be funny to write in the girl’s bathroom, “For a good time call Johnny…” And Richie wrote Johnny’s real beeper number on the message…”

Later that morning, some girls from another office come into our work area and say, “Hey Johnny we’re gonna call you later Papi…”

And when he found out why they were saying that, he was not very happy… He didn’t think that shit was funny…

Since I was always the one running around writing graffiti on everything. Big Richie got me punched in the eye that day, real hard. But almost as soon as Johnny saw my eye grow to the size of a golf ball, he hugged me and told me he loved me. And I loved him too. So, it was what it was. I just walked around for a week telling people I got jumped… Followed up by, “But you should see the other guy…”

We learned a valuable lesson that day. 1. You can’t fight at work, even if it’s with family. And 2. You can’t tell the boss, “Go fuck yourself, mind your business, this is family business…” Because that might get you fired.

I took the blame for a long time for Johnny losing that job. But I’m here to set the record straight, “Richie, that ones on you my brother…”

There as another time, I was on Creston Ave, and Johnny picks me up in the most beautiful, light blue, 4 door Toyota Camry, with rims and a system.

We drove back to the block and met up with a fleet of cars. Spent the night driving all around the city. Herman was in a Toyota 1.8, I think, blasting Keith Sweat. Me and Johnny were blasting Al B. Sure… These tough guys from C.Y.C (Crazy Young Criminals), blasting slow jams, and tearing up the highways of NY, with like 5 or 6 cars with the hazard lights on so we wouldn’t lose each other in the nighttime traffic.

I remember complimenting Johnny over and over about how proud I was of him for getting such a nice car.

I complimented him hard on that car. Hoping he’d give me the keys.

Long story short, at one point the cops were onto our fleet of cars, trying to find out what the hell we were doing in Manhattan, driving around like lunatics.

Johnny turns to me and says, “Yo Cuz, if they pull us over ruuuuuuuuuuun…”

“Run, for what,” I said, mad confused.

“Nigga you know this car ain’t mine…”

It still makes me laugh to this day. That I’d been complimenting him all night on a car he “borrowed…”

Cause everyone in here knows, we never really stole anything. We “borrowed,” a lot of shit. But we almost always gave it back when we were done with it. Or at least left it somewhere to be found.

I seriously thought a screw driver was a key to a car, until I was like 18 years old.

Again, we NEVER stole anything. We just borrowed things along the way…

I don’t want to mention any names of the guys involved in us “borrowing,” cars all over the Bronx. But you all know who you are. My brother Will, Frankie, Herman, Joey, Big Rich, and a bunch of the other guys from the neighborhood.

Kingsbridge was our playground. And we played a lot.

And Johnny, my sweet Cousin Johnny… Man, did he live his life his way.

There are 8 million stories in NYC. And Johnny lived through about 7,999,999 of em. So, I’m only going to share one more with you that happened outside of the City.

In order for you to all understand that Johnny did leave the block once or twice in his life.

Johnny comes to visit me in Virginia Beach with Mickey. I get my boy Joe Q to take us out on his boat. Johnny wants to swim, and my boy tells him it’s not a good idea. There’s mad Jelly Fish in the water. What do you all think Johnny did?

Yep, he stripped down to his underwear, he dove off the back of the boat, and the second he hit the water, I heard him screaming for his life…

As many times as Herman and Johnny saved my life throughout the years. I wasn’t going in the water. So, I just rooted him on while laughing uncontrollably. “Johnny, swim for your life, swim faster, swim faster… Hurry up…”

By the time he got back on the boat, he had Jelly fish stings everywhere. We cracked a beer and laughed our asses off. On the drive back to the house, he said, “Yo Cuz, I love you, but I gotta get back to the block tonight…”

I was confused, hurt, angry… He was only in Virginia Beach for a few hours and he was leaving. He called Mickey and told her to be ready. Ran into the house, changed and hit the road, right back to the block. To his home. To his place of comfort.

It seems like Johnny was always afraid he was going to miss something in the neighborhood. And we had to understand that about him, and we had to love that about him.

If there’s anything we all need to leave here with today. It’s this……… For all the demons he fought in this lifetime. Understand this man’s heart was straight gold.

Whether him and Big Smooth were behind PS122, buying out the entire ice cream truck, to give all the kids in the neighborhood a treat. Whether he was giving his last five bucks to a homeless person, or anyone in need. Whether he was taking the shirt off his back just because you made the mistake of saying you liked it.

Johnny’s heart was pure fucking gold… The purest of the pure… Puro!

When he talked about Alyssa and Tristan his eyes lit up. When he spoke of his grand kids, his eyes lit up. When he spoke about Mickey, his eyes welled up with tears sometimes. Knowing he’d made mistakes, that he could never make up for. But his eyes equally lit up with love, knowing he’d found his one person in this lifetime, who he’d also met in his last lifetime, and who he will meet again in the next.

When he spoke about Mommy, Pops, Herman, Val and everyone else in his family. It was always love. Even when there were tough times, arguments, disagreements, fights. He was always going to lead us all right back to a place of love… Because that was his heart.

He did that today. For many of us. Led us right back here. To each other… To love!

Whether he was putting on a devil mask, to scare the shit out of Herman, and make him run from the showing screaming butt naked. Or putting some nasty shit in your sandwich when you weren’t looking, or doing anything silly to make his family and friends laugh… That was Johnny. That was Johnny. That was Johnny…

I was thinking about him the other night. And for some stranger reason this movie-like vision popped into my head. I could hear him arguing with whoever gives out wings to the angels when they first arrive in Heaven.

Johnny was literally arguing with the Angel. Telling him or her that he didn’t want the little baby wings, the wings all the newbies get. He didn’t even want the medium sized wings, which the angels who have put in work get. He wanted the big joints. He saw them. He saw that they were large, golden, powerful and beautiful. And he knew he deserved them, so he argued with the angel in charge, to at least let him try them on.

“Come on son, let me try em’ on… Just for fun…”

But in true Johnny fashion, he wasn’t giving them shits back. He just walked away with the big boy wings and bounced back to the Astral Plane.

He did not steal them, my people… He just borrowed em’… And guess what, they belong to him… He earned em’ in life, and he’ll earn them as he moves on into the next phase of his spirits existence.

For those of you who have never heard of the Astral Plane, Google it. It’s basically, “The world of the celestial spheres, crossed by the soul in its astral body on the way to being born and after death. And is generally believed to be populated by angels, spirits or other immaterial beings…”

This isn’t to disrespect any religion here. But this is more about spirituality. The greatest minds to ever walk the earth, Steve Hawking’s, Steve Jobs, Bill Gates, Einstein, Tesla, they all believed in the Astral Plane. And that’s why I’ve studied it. And that’s why I believe in it…

What it means is, our spirits use this place as a meeting space, before we’re given life, and after we’ve moved on in the physical form. It means, our journey never ends.

And for most of the people in this room. I think you can understand that Johnny has only moved on, in the physical form, but his spirit is everywhere. Everywhere that he needs to be right now. That’s where he is.

He’s with his grand baby Geanna, talking to her at night, letting her know he’s OK. And trying his best to bring her comfort. He probably keeps asking for soda, that’s why she’s leaving some out for him at night.

He’s with Mommy when she needs him most. With Pops, with Mickey, Herman, Val, Tabby, Alyssa, Tristan and Gemma.

Please believe me when I tell you… He’s with us all…

He’s already sent messages. He’s already let us know he’s sorry. Sorry for what exactly, those who need to know, know. The rest of us can assume, perhaps he’s sorry we’re here in pain. Or sorry he didn’t go to the doctor a little sooner, or sorry that he’s not here in the physical, any longer, to help comfort us.

Regardless of what it is he’s sorry about, in true Johnny fashion. He wanted us all to know that he is sorry for some things. This will allow him to find his peace. The peace he needs to transition on, and play his new role, as an angel, to the best of his abilities…

When you feel alone, just speak to him. He hears you. He hears us all right now, in this very moment. He’s here with us. And he is finding peace in the fact that he brought us all back together… Because that’s who he was. And that’s who he is!

I want to thank my Uncle Herman and Titi Vilma, for raising him with that amazing heart. And for passing that heart on too many of us, even myself, in many aspects of my life.

I tell people a story all the time. If Titi Vilma had 4 pork chops, and 12 guys from the neighborhood upstairs hungry, she’d cut those pork chops into 12 pieces, so that everyone could eat.

If we all needed a place to sleep, it was about grabbing a pillow, a sheet, a blanket, use your coat as a pillow, find a corner in her living room, or one of the bedrooms, and rest your weary head down…

No one was every excluded from being a part of the family. If you came with love and respect, you were treated with love and respect in their home. And many times, that became home to so many of us, throughout our journey in life.

I’m sorry I haven’t said this enough, “But thank you for giving me the courage to live my life to its fullest potential…” Never scared that if I had to stick up for myself in corporate America, especially in the beginning of my career. That if I lost my job and ended up homeless, I could find that corner in your living room to rest my weary head.

Thank you, Big Rich, Herman, Johnny, my brother Will, and many of the guys from the old neighborhood, for allowing me to write 100 checks my ass couldn’t cash.

And by that, I mean, when 20 guys surrounded me, I’d just say C.Y.C. I’d say Herman and Johnny are my blood. I’d say wait until my cousins, and their crew get their hands on your mother fuckers… And they’d part like the red sea...

Forever my protectors. My brothers. My everything.

I just want to leave you guys with this…

Johnny was something to everyone. But to some… Johnny was everything. Everything to everyone… Especially in their time of need.

Let’s wish him a peaceful transition. And let’s find peace in our hearts knowing we’ll all be back together again with Johnny, someday soon… When it’s our time.

And in the next lifetime, in the next universe, on the next star. Let’s get it more right than wrong… Let’s share more love than pain. Let’s all follow Johnny up to the window and ask for the big wings… The big ass golden angel wings, which we all work daily to earn, when it’s our time to do God’s work.

I love you all. I love you Johnny. Until we meet again Cuzo… I will walk in your shadow forever… We all will…

Sleep now Cuz… And be at Peace knowing how loved you are!

- Ivan Sanchez

#eulogy astralplane life death family love authorivansanchez kingsbridge bronx newyork johnnydangerously

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