#joel miller x femme!reader

[ay0nha]

Lament of My Heart | Joel Miller

SUMMARY: “Tommy…”  Joel let out a breath of frustrated laughter. He disappointingly shook his head, leaning over you, “That boy doesn’t know what he’s lost.”

Set pre-episode four & post-episode five w/ moments of pre-outbreak

PAIRING: Joel Miller x femme!reader

WORD COUNT: 5.1K

WARNINGS: SMUT (hand job), mentions of blood, mutual pining/slow burnish, skinny dipping (of sorts), canon-typical things, mentions of Tommy x reader, etc.

A/N: Need to post this before it sits in the drafts to collect dust. Joel is just on my mind all the time, so this is the product of that. Thank you as always @from-the-clouds​ for listening to my blabbering and entertaining all my ideas! Much love.

“No more questions, Ellie,” You reprimanded her lightly, trying to cover the warmth she was discovering you felt. “Get some rest.”

Ellie was a hard-headed person with the responsibility of society on her shoulders. She carried the weight well, but she was still human, still young. But her questions revealed her growing creativity and sharp wit.

“Not tired.” She hated Joel’s coffee, but the stolen sips still coursed through her veins. You knew it was partly due to the anxiety ahead of them. They all felt it, that tense air of the unknown. “You two don’t seem to get along, though.”

Your eyes flashed to the rear view mirror on instinct. Settled on the truck’s dirty cushions and the supplies being used as a pillow, Joel was asleep. But you weren’t sure how long it would last.

“Ellie-

“It wasn’t a question!” She defended quickly, toying with the edge of her sleeve. She’d been dying to know just exactly why you got under Joel’s skin the way you did. “Tell me about Tommy, at least.”

“Ask Joel.” Your eyes were everywhere. You checked the mirror as if there was traffic, but it was the only thing that kept you occupied. She was making you squirm.

“C’mon, you know he won’t-” Ellie’s own frustrations were building up. In her shoes, you’d be just as curious. “Please.”

Through a thoughtful sigh, you resigned, “Before-We just- We’ve known each other for a long time.” You’d been intertwined with the Miller brothers since before everything. You rarely said it aloud, and now, you struggled to put all the history into something coherent. “I met Tommy when he returned from deployment-

“In Texas?” Ellie hung onto every word, mind spinning tales faster than you could keep up with. “Were you in the military too?”

“I said no questions.”

The comment made her smile. Ellie always appreciated a good game. Loopholes were her specialty.

“Fine, then.” She settled in the passenger seat, knees to her chest as she faced you, “You were discharged with Tommy with more medals than you could count!” Her posture then changed with inventive excitement, “Or maybe a bad-ass sniper with too many confirmed kills to count.” You wished your life was as exciting as she made it sound. “You’re going to have to stop me before I start thinking you led an elite hit squad.”

“Close.” You quipped, “I worked on the military base in town.” It was the first job that hired you and offered some stability for someone your age. “I’d help get soldiers back on their feet once they returned…”

“Then you became friends with Tommy,” Ellie encouraged you to continue. She couldn’t stand the lulls.

Too many years passed for you to remember clearly how you became close to Tommy, but at the time, he considered you his soulmate. Not that either of you really knew what that meant.

“Then I became friends with Tommy.” You nodded. You kept your eyes steady ahead, adding, “Joel, too.” Glancing at Ellie, you finished,  “Then we all just…stuck together.”

Separation wasn’t ever questioned, even on the eve of all the destruction. That memory was vivid; the way your bloodied body held onto Joel, dragging him away from it all, Tommy trailing behind, surveilling every move. It was how you moved together for years, protecting each other as much as possible.  

“He doesn’t talk about it; before,” Ellie commented lowly. You knew she wished for more from Joel. But she couldn’t see what you saw in the way he softened for her.

“That hasn’t changed with time.” Your words felt too bitter. This time you indulged in a glance at Joel. Still settled. “I’m surprised he’s even talking to me now.”

You always described the Miller brothers as a whirlwind. They may not have necessarily meant it, but they had a knack for sweeping you up and consuming you. When Joel came to you with Ellie, there was no question of whether you would help or not, just when and where you were needed.

He’d never leave without you.

“Tell me something about them...” Ellie pleaded. She was a clever girl who picked up on the weight of his misery. But it wasn’t yours to share. “Before they…before this.”

Your shoulders relaxed while your hands moved to the bottom of the steering wheel as you allowed yourself to filter through only the fond memories.

“Alright, well…” You hesitated with your words. Only because you knew, Joel would tell the story differently. “He and Tommy were wasted…I mean…Absolutely hammered that night.”

Your words had their desired effect, and Ellie’s giggles encouraged you to continue. But it felt strange to make Joel’s drinking habits sound so lighthearted when you know how the habit haunted him now.

“Tommy called me.” The phone in Joel’s kitchen woke you up that night well past the witching hour. “The brothers always got into all kinds of mischief, usually Tommy's fault.” You were typically by his side, provoking him. “Always Tommy’s fault.”

“He sounds fun.” Ellie joined in. You knew in another world, the two would get up to all kinds of mischief if they had the chance.

“He can be, when he wants.” You glanced at the map on your lap. With the sun getting low, it meant you needed to find a safe place to stop soon. “That night, though, the two of them had the bright idea to pretend to be bouncers, only to get into a fight with the actual ones.”

“I knew Joel wasn’t a total hard-ass.”

As you continued to retell the story, you hadn’t realized how much nostalgia you carried with you. Nor were you able to see how you talked so warmly of Joel. Ellie knew exactly what to say to get the information she wanted. But you waited a long time to reminisce freely.

“...When I finally got them home,” You blew a raspberry at the unforgettable effort it took. The stench of alcohol and smoke still made your nose scrunch. “Thank god Tommy had enough sense left to make it to the couch.”

Ellie loved how you teased Joel’s hiccuping that he blamed it on being over-served tequila. It was hard even to imagine he had any of that humor left in him. You embellished the story just enough to entertain yourself. But the story's core provided fertile ground for understanding that nothing you added was too far-fetched.

“They remembered nothing the next morning,” You said. “Tommy found all these numbers written on his arm, said he’d close his eyes and pick which to call.”

“....And Joel, he must have been so hungover…”

“You’d think…” You reflected flatly.  “He just got up and went to work.”

From your side, you knew Ellie could sense you holding back.  She’d gotten more than she asked for, so she left it. She could see how the echo of that night still felt fresh, doubting you provided her with the detailed ending you lived.

----

“You alright?” The question was slowly processed by Joel, who was trying to steady his breathing before the contents of his stomach came up.

“Yeah, yeah…” Joel held onto you every step, arm slung over your shoulders, making you sway with him with each step to his room.

He was mumbling while you settled him on the edge of his bed. You got every few words while focusing on preparing him for the next day. The brothers had work, and doing this would save you the headache of hearing their complaints.

“B-been thinkin’...” His Texan drawl was heightened as he slurred.

“That so?” You half-heartedly replied, rummaging through his medicine cabinet. You looked for something for the morning.

“Mhmm…”

You could hear him shuffling around in his room. Assuming he’d been pulling his boots off and discarding his jacket, you were surprised to find him leaning on the bathroom’s door frame.

“Then you’ve been hanging around Tommy too much.”

“Tommy…” Joel let out a breath of frustrated laughter. He disappointingly shook his head, leaning over you, “That boy doesn’t know what he’s lost.”

You still held love for Tommy, but you had mistaken it for something that it wasn’t. The two of you functioned better as friends; you were his confidant and partner in crime. Neither of you would change that for the world.

“And you do?”

Your relationship with Joel had a natural ebb and flow that could be but never got to the point of being volatile. But that didn't stop you from stepping on each other's toes, constantly being on the brink of an argument that neither of you knew the point of.

“Darlin’...” You melted his resolve, helping him the way you were. Joel’s eyes flickered down. Nothing about your outfit was seductive, but the way his eyes loitered told you maybe it had been. Covering his tracks seamlessly, Joel continued, “...The things you deserve.”

Your laugh bounced off the bathroom walls, resonating deep within Joel’s chest.

"What?" Joel asked lightly, his smile starting to mirror yours, but not understanding why, "Why are you looking at me like that?"

“Shit, Joel,” Your laughter lingered, “You must be really drunk.”

“C’mon now.” He tried to stop you. He wasn’t sure he could handle any level of ridicule from you.  

But you pushed passed him, drawing his sheets back for the night to be over, “Let’s just get you to bed.”

He stumbled to you willingly, but you could see his mind turning. There was something he wanted off his chest, but you knew you weren’t ready to hear it.

“Come on now, Miller,” You tried again. “We’ve both got work in the morning.”

“What is it you do again?” Joel’s words played with chords of tension. “Besides eat all my food and sleep on my couch.”

"Get by." You joked more for your sake than his.

Joel’s eyes shifted between your own, pupils entirely dilated.  Blaming it on the alcohol helped settle your stomach.

“I know y-you don’t stick around for my benefit.”

"God forbid we enjoy each other's company, Joel." Your eyes burned into his. You enjoyed your ability to make him bashful in his stupor. Just a look, and he was crumbling.

You saw it coming. You could have stopped it, but it wasn’t even the length of a decent kiss. It was soft and fleeting because you pulled back to never speak of it again. You doubted Joel remembered, but you could never be sure what he’d admit to.

----

“Did you ever-

“Ellie…” You said her name slowly in warning.

She retracted fast, “Joel and you-

“No.”

Your answer came off harshly. You knew where she wanted to go; she’d circled the topic for hours.

“Can I ask one question?”

“That was a question.” You looked at her again pointedly, “Shoot.”

“Why’d you stay in Boston?”

Sitting with the statement, you focused on the road. Most around you was barren and destroyed but offered an unconventional peacefulness. Sometimes you imagined if you’d be better off in isolation than in a QZ. But you could never bring yourself to just disappear like that.

“As hard as you might try,” You started, pulling the car to the side, “You can’t be alone in this world. With a purpose or not, it just doesn’t work.”

The sudden sway of the car disturbed the sleeping figure in the back. Joel attempted to hide his jolt as he sat up but was already looking out the window for trouble.

“We stoppin’?” Joel’s voice filled the car while the engine cooled.

Joel looked to you for reassurance. Ellie pointed that out to you, the way he valued you despite his resentment.

“We’ve gotten far enough today.” You tossed the keys back to him. “We need food and rest.”

“Alright.”

Your exchanges were clipped.

Yet, you valued the journey with Ellie. Selfishly, the task provided a reason to see Joel again. It had become easier to spend time apart. It became a habit. But even with a quiet meal shared and conversations led by Ellie, it felt good to be with him again.

The pressure shifted. No longer were ration cards on your mind, nor were the curfews you struggled to follow. Something about the night felt freeing despite the heavy responsibility that it meant. Maybe it was the privilege of feeling safe with Joel since he created a protective bubble, sacrificing his rest for yours.

You heard Joel get up when he thought yours and Ellie’s breathing steadied. You were going to leave it, but sleep was hard to come by with your mind racing.

Joel saw your shadow first. But the hand that brushed between his shoulder blades still made him flinch. He spoke in hushed tones, looking to ensure that Ellie was still asleep, “I hope you didn’t come over here to tell me we’re safe.”

“Didn’t say that.”  You frowned. He knew you well; you wore your concerns on your face. You just wished he didn’t hold such defiance for them.  “But we’ll be alright for the night-

“Don’t.”

Joel wanted to be in control of everything down to the smallest detail.

You knew it was a way of coping, his way, but it never sat right with you. Especially now, as you watched Joel scrutinize the area you chose, you could feel the criticism he was holding back from the moment you parked the car.

Did you even survey the terrain?

Too much open space. No clear route out.

You know better than this.  

“We’re the perfect targets.”

“Joel-

“We know how this works,” He voiced over you. Even with you there, his surveillance didn’t change as he remained on a swivel.  “It was exactly what we did.”

Joel’s emotions were catching up, but he still held onto a forced restraint. He was expecting resistance, an argument from you. But you heard what he said, how Ellie needed to hear it, to believe him.

No one’s gonna find us.

It was a promise. Something Joel was determined to control.

The wind was picking up the later the night became, and any rustle was faced with a gun barrel.  It caused chills to litter your arms out of apprehension. You tried to comfort yourself with your arms tucked to your chest, but it only shifted Joel’s attention.

If you tried hard enough, you could guess what he would say to you. We need to stay sharp. You could feel Joel’s hesitation, though. It happened every time he pushed you away.

There was merit to your diversion, but Joel only allowed it for so long.

“Get some rest.” He nodded toward his forgotten sleeping bag, “No good if both of us are tired.”

----

The car was gone. The brief companions too. Your heart felt permanently caught in your throat. Adrenaline replaced everything. But it was wearing you thin.

“Where are you going?” Respite clung to Joel’s question as his eyes followed your figure up from his crouched position.

Like a cat, you stretched until something deep within your spine popped. You moved towards the shore of the small body of water you all settled by.

Time was at the forefront of Joel’s mind. Time was no longer on your side, meaning the sooner, the better pressured every minute. Daylight became the most valuable thing. And by the looks of it, you were on your way to wasting it.

“We smell, Joel.” You state as you discard the knife strapped around your waist. You were meant to be cleaning them in the water, preparing them for the next fight the way he had.

But your body was sore. You could imagine the pain Joel felt was much worse, physical or not. He put his body first rather than having you or Ellie be the brunt of it all.

Mornings were sacred to you. It was when the birds sang at dawn because the crisp, moist air carried their songs and their meanings farther through the same air that filled your lungs in fluid refreshment.

 You pulled your shirt over your head and looped your thumbs in the waistband of your pants as you wiggled them over your thighs and down your legs.

For the moment, Joel’s eyes lingered. He looked for bites. He knew he wouldn’t find anything, but he had to be sure. Instead, Joel found deep hues of bruises still healing from Kansas City.

Almost wholly above the horizon, the sun highlighted the mist rising off the body of water. It veiled your body the closer you were to where the water and the rocks met. Yet, Joel watched on until your arms maneuvered behind your back, searching for the clasp of your bra.

As if the sun was directly in his eyes, Joel looked up, avoiding seeing something that wasn’t meant for him. Except, it didn’t stop him from passing along a warning, “Don’t go out far.”

The dirt from the past days felt like a second layer of skin had embedded into your own, suffocating you. You finally waded into the freezing water to rid yourself of it.

But not before throwing a comment over your shoulder, “Join me, then.”

Your words were like an idle threat that was only met with silence. You knew he was contemplating the offer. Always thinking.

The water was cold, goosebumps littering your skin within minutes and creating peaks where Joel refused to look. He scolded himself for the way his cock twitched at just the idea.

You leaned back so you were nearly floating on your back. Above, a bird glided hypnotically in a wide circle.  It seemed you weren’t the only one seeking to rid yourself of a sense of weariness. The cool water swallowed you whole, caressing your skin and relaxing your muscles.

“Someone’s gotta stay with Ellie.” Joel voiced his decision. It was an excuse, what he was supposed to say.

There was no point in fighting it. Instead, you submerged yourself completely; the water consumed you. The longer you stayed under, the closer Joel edged to the water, ensuring you’d come up for a breath.

When you finally reemerged, you held a wicked grin.

“Don’t do that.” Joel frowned at your teasing. His eyes remained downcast, avoiding your eye. The rocks seemed more fascinating than how you became more siren-like by the minute.  “I’m gonna find Ellie.”

“She deserves some privacy.” Despite her continuous puns, you were receptive to the fact that she was still impacted.

You all were.

Hyper vigilance became the enemy that threatened to consume Joel whole. Sleep was no longer negotiable. Every movement dragged worry, invited agitation, and controlled his violence. Joel’s chest was tight, and breathing felt hard to come by. He was moments away from unraveling.

“...There won’t be another invitation, Joel.”

Joel’s loaded gaze burned right through you as he took off his clothes. While he was busy shrugging out of his shirt, you took the opportunity to tread out further. Your back was to him, but you heard the swishing of disturbed water.

You reveled in the way your skin burned for him. He’d seen you naked years ago. But not like this, never like this.

----

Joel’s eyes followed the curve of your body. Your chest swayed as you moved around freely. His pounding heart clocked how too much time had passed for him to sneak out. He was frozen.

“You’re not Tommy.” You let out a breath of relief despite your surprise.

The lace rode high on your hips, accentuating your natural curve. Your chest was perked at the sudden attention of being caught so bare.   Regardless of the incessant ringing in your ears, you stayed stone still, giving him a chance to say something.

Yet, he shook his head, backing out the door he’d come through, mumbling expected apologies.  Joel used the key under the fern and let himself in.

For days he’d been asking Tommy for his tools back. And now, they were forgotten with each hurried step.

You threw on the closest shirt, chasing after him. “Wait!”

“I didn’t mean to-

“Joel, let me explain-

“No, I shouldn’t have-I-I’ll just-”

You found a way to stand before him, blocking his escape route perfectly. “Let’s just slow down…” Your hands were up in defense, mirroring his own. “It’s not what you think.”

Of all people, you wanted Joel to hear you. But the silence was heavy and lacked a proper explanation. You could see the flush that took over his coloring. It was sweet in a way, but you were too mortified to know what to make of it. It wasn’t exactly taught how to handle these sorts of things in school, so you stalled.

“Can I make you some coffee?” An invitation to linger.

Joel looked at you and saw your bare feet moving toward him with hope. He hadn’t meant to, but his eyes scanned your bare legs; the picture of the intricate fabric underneath the oversized shirt made his skin prick. It took him a moment to realize the shirt was his, one Tommy most likely nicked under his nose.

Doubting you knew what that did to him, Joel shook his head, “I don’t think that would be a good idea.”

“One cup.” You promised.

The air was tense when you made it to the kitchen. You insisted on a fresh pot, but the drops felt like they took ages to fill it enough for its purpose. The hem of the shirt skirted the boundary of indecency, but you thought nothing of it. Your focus was on the longing stare Joel was giving you.

“Tommy and I…” You started with a shaky breath. You were sure Joel knew all about the drifting relationship. “I thought maybe this would…” It felt strange explaining yourself the way you had. But you wanted it to be known that even to you, it felt out of character. “He doesn’t look at me the same anymore…”

Your words feigned a sense of yearning. But neither you nor Tommy could keep up the act. Your words seemed heavy, but it was so alleviating to say aloud. To be listened to.

But the smell of coffee pulled you back, reminding you to be a good host. Filling the mugs just below the brim, you broke the small barrier of the kitchen island. You held the mug close to your chest, the warmth working as emotional support while Joel toyed with the ceramic handle.

You lifted the mug to your lips, blowing lightly over the piping-hot coffee, “...But neither do I.”

“I can talk to Tommy if you…” No matter how much it made Joel regret the offer, Joel said the right thing. He couldn’t meddle where he didn’t belong. “I’m sure he’d understand.”

You laughed into your mug. “I’d rather this stay our thing.”

“You say that like this is going to happen again.”

“Joel Miller.” You said his name after a pause. He looked like a child in trouble. “Are you flirting with me?”

“No, no, I-

“Joking.” You cut in just as awkwardly as he flushed.

You wanted the mood to lighten, needed it to.

But there was clumsiness in every movement, between your ongoing jitteriness and Joel’s restless fidgeting.  So, you moved to the window. On the sill held your half-empty carton of cigarettes, the ones you were trying hard not to touch these days.

With a soft glance back to Joel, you asked, “Mind if I?”

Joel could spot the influences of Tommy in you. Or maybe you had passed along your habits. Either way, it was your home of sorts. Who was he to tell you no?

You had such dexterity with the process. It was like a ritual how you rolled the cigarette over your lips before lighting it. Then after a deep exhale, you utilized the perpetually open window to tap the beginnings of ash.  

“I don’t mean to drag you into all of this…”  You trailed off through an exhale of smoke through your nose. Joel could see the appeal now. “I just don’t-…Tommy’s my friend, and if I…I don’t know what’ll happen if we’re not…”

The end of something always hurt everyone around you. You all were just playing your roles in delaying the inescapable. But the questions of the future haunted you. You weren’t sure if you were ready to let it all go.

“I’ll let you leave…” You toyed with the lit cigarette that was on its last limb as you spoke. Joel’s silence was becoming deafening. “Promise I won’t hold you up any longer.”

You were sure he had more pressing matters than to comfort you through an inevitable breakup.

“Tommy’ll get over it.” Joel sat back with more relaxation now that he spoke his mind. “It’s you I’m worried about.”

----

Joel kept his distance deliberately. He made the venture into the water seem like another task. In and out.

“I don’t bite, you know.”

He knew you wouldn’t be able to stay quiet for too long. He knew what it meant to join you, but he made an effort to seem detached.

“Just giving you some privacy.” Joel echoed your words.

“Right.”  Your frustration was clear. You carried it with you for the handful of days that passed. Your frustrations didn’t lie with him like Joel chose to believe.

Instead, guilt filled Joel’s chest. It had been gnawing at him since he left Boston. He should have left you there if he were as reliable as everyone claimed he was. You’d be without bruises. You’d be without his burden. Leaving without you meant there would be no return.

But you knew Joel. You had to remind yourself.  You knew what he was thinking, what he wanted. That’s how you knew moving towards him would benefit the both of you.

You moved gradually, leading the interaction by brushing his hair behind his ears. The greys of his hair darkened with the water you carried on your fingertips.  He looked younger. He looked like your Joel.

You reached for him, pulling him through the cool water to you. Joel was stiff when your chest met his warmly. He thought of pulling away, but you felt so peaceful that it swallowed him. Your arms wrapped around him with comfort. Your body settled in front of his, gently pressing your hips against him, giving him only an ounce of pressure to entice him.

He noted every twitch. Shyness wasn’t questioned; that barrier was broken years ago. It enabled you to trace his face. Every detail was already committed to memory.

You imagined what he’d say to you all those years ago—anything to make a smile crack.

Careful, now.

All you’re gonna find is a whole lot of ugly.

The scar above his eyebrow marked when your feelings for Joel first latched on. You were blinded by anger then, but the blood scared you. He promised you it was a graze and that he still had his life. But that wasn’t enough proof for you.

When your thumb traced over the faint line, Joel finally found his voice again, “Your shooting’s still sloppy.”

The look Joel held was intimidating, scrutinizing, but you knew he was trying to be witty.  

“See now, when you say things like that…” You whispered softly due to the proximity, “I don’t regret shooting you.”

He hummed, appreciating your touch that ventured to his shoulders. You could feel under your hands the tension he held. You wanted nothing more than to provide relief.

“Joel.”

Just his name made your desire clear. He wanted to touch you all those years ago, but he’d never betray his brother like that. But now you invited him to you without any barriers. There was hesitancy in the hold Joel found on your hips. His mind wandered; wavered between the need and the want.

Starting at the swirl of hair on his chest, you followed the trail down until Joel’s breath hitched. Joel felt like he was about to lose it when your hand wrapped around him.

“This feel okay?” You moved your hand against him, slow and soft.

Water dripped from his nose to your shoulder as he nodded eagerly.  His groan rumbled deep in his chest, vibrating against your own. You tread in dangerous territory but recognized the privilege of his trust.

This was for Joel. You needed this just as much as he did. You didn’t worry if it functioned as a thank you for keeping you alive, an apology for the trouble you’d caused him, or a confession of your own.

It didn’t matter when you indulged in your own lust.

“Do you think of me when you’re on your own?” You asked, fingers wrapped around his shaft, squeezing him until you felt his pulse in your grip.

“Oh- Fuck-” He cut himself off before he let a pet name slip. Joel’s fingers dug into the soft flesh of your hips, imprinting his touch into your skin, burned to your very bone.

“Hmm?” You edged him further. Gently, you continued to pump him and move your thumb over his tip.

Joel’s ragged breath fell on your pulse point with each moan as you continued to pump him rhythmically. His hand came up to your throat in a tender hold. His lips hover over yours but refrained from connecting.

It would be too intimate if you had.

“Do you want me to?” The hold gave him dominance even as he shuddered under your touch. Always desiring control.

The water around you rippled with your continued movements. With his free hand, his thumb rubbed gently at the sensitive skin that was near the pebbles of your breast, but he made no effort to touch it just yet.  His words and touch were a deadly combination, the kind that made you ache.

“Would that be so bad?” You spoke on his lips, feeling the tickle of his mustache. The more you worked on his release the more you felt his warm pants turn into deep moans. “Come on now, Miller,” You coaxed softly, moving up and down his length with a lively pattern, teasingly and tauntingly. “Tell me.”

Joel’s words were caught in his throat as ecstasy flowed through his veins as the pleasure crashed. His hips jerked against you as his breathing became ragged and his moans became filthy.

He sighed with relief, abandoning himself. He groaned into you, nuzzling his nose in your neck as the aftershocks made him tremble. He could feel your hand threading in his hair, keeping him in your tight embrace.

“Yes.”

[tookthe-405]

VBS

Chapter 1:

“VBS” ~ Lucy Dacus

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rebel!ellie x fem!reader

a/n: this one’s more fluff and for every gay baby still in a church, thinking they don’t belong.

summary: you grew up religious without questions and in summer you would get send to vacation bible school. The camp always felt like prison to you, until a very interesting girl appeared.

c/w: smut in future chaps!!, religious trauma (obviously)

7/20/2007 (friday, week 1)

Readers pov:

2:34 p.m

You're sure you've never been asked. Never. It was always natural that you believe and pray. For everyone, for your family, your church friends, the pastors. The doubts also started very early. At 6, if you remember correctly.

You felt so guilty back then that you prayed and read the Bible all night long. The fear that demons could possess you, as soon as God left you, made you almost manic. But you thought that it was meant to be, that this was the price you needed to pay for being a child of God. But it began to feel more like a curse than a gift.

Of course you never told anyone this, you weren't crazy after all, but the thoughts followed you everywhere. You were waiting to be saved by someone, by God or just a person. No one ever appeard.

Until you turned 18. Until it was the summer of 2007.

Everything still looks pretty much the same, the youth hostel that had 3 floors and looks worn out, the church made of wood that stands here all year round, the lake only a few meters away from the big fire place where you gather every evening. The sun was almost shining in your face and it feels like a warning.

You're 18 now and this will be your last year here, although after that you'll probably work as a worshipper. But you and your friends wanted to spend one last summer here, like you have done for the last 4 years. There was a certain relief in you that it was the last year, but you would only confess that to God. He already knows it anyway.

It always amazes you how many people were here. It starts at the age of 14 and goes up to 18. Then there are a few „leaders“ who prepare programs and prayer sessions for you, and check every now and then whether everything is in order. That was your future, God was your future and the reward for it would be given to you at the end of your life.

Your mother talked so much during the 2 hour drive about how happy you are that your church welcomes you so lovingly even in the summer, and that's not a given because there are many other churches that don't give opportunities like that.

You noticed that all the church employees give up their summer to talk about God and that at some point you have to do the same thing as your mother, who donates every Sunday and volunteers in the kitchen for 6 hours.

That made you happy again, that you didn't have to do that until after the summer. Your mother kissed you on the forehead and said goodbye with God's blessing, you looked after the car for longer than necessary, and you tried to dig some poetic reason out of this feeling but there simply wasn’t one.

Now You're standing in front of the big building. All the teenagers are happily rushing from side to side and you feel guilty that you're the only one standing still and staring at the big cross above the door.

Hazel and the others aren't there yet, but you've been sent your room number per SMS and you feel ready to look for it on your own. Normally you follow Hazel around all summer, she always seems to know what was right and which way you should go. physically and mentally.

You would be here for 6 weeks, like every year, the rest of your family would spend their summer in Greece. You snort at the memory and continue to try to carry up your suitcase, which contains a 6 week supply of clothes and sweets. The boys' rooms are on the second floor and the girls' rooms on the third floor, it's always been that way and it still annoys you.

Room 26

The rolling of your suitcase leaves behind a noise that mixes with the many giggles,of the girls from the many rooms. You go through the many doors and check the numbers.

24, 25, 26

There will be 6 girls in each room and you know them all, but to your surprise the door is slightly open. But when you enter the room you don't find anyone. The familiar bunk beds greet your eyes and your mouth turned into a thin line, because you were both disappointed and unmotivated. There were enough cupboards on the wall for all of you, and they are still the same as last year.

A big, wide window at the end of the room showed the large meadow and the church, the lake was difficult to see but you know it’s there. There is a small table and a few chairs right in front of the window, you were lucky with the room this year, it could have been worse. You stand in front of the wooden table and enjoy the view.

The others should be there soon too. You decide to choose a bed, since Hazel loves to sleep on an upper bed, you put your suitcase and backpack on one of the beds below. Just as you were about to start unpacking, you heard the rushes of pillows.

"hey"

You let out a little scream.

There is a girl lying on the bed opposite, someone you don't know and have never seen before. Not even in church.

You're pretty sure you're both scanning each other at the same time. She is beautiful. Her face looks almost perfect. So far you can only see her head and her legs are hanging out a little over the edge of the bed, which you should have noticed when you came in. There was something different about her, different from the other girls you know. She seems to notice how scared you are and lets out a small and breathy laugh.

Her voice gives you goosebumps and you hope that she'll say something else very quickly. She jumps from the upper level of the bed down onto the floor, she doesn't seem to care about the ladder, and the wood makes a cracking noise. She lands deftly on the floor. Now you examine her properly again.

The sleeves of her flannel are rolled up to her elbows, revealing a tattoo that extends across her entire forearm. You couldn't catch the color of her eyes before, but now you can see it clearly. Green. She has short auburn hair in a half pulled back bun. She is wearing gray baggy joggers and black converse.

"ellie"

She extends her hand to you and you wonder how long it has been since someone had made that gesture towards you. You say your name and carefully take her hand. You notice freckles on her pale skin as your hands touch. Your heart feels like it's tied up in strings that you have to untie as quickly as possible.

When your hands separate again, they feel cold.

"I've never seen you here before," you remark and turn back to your suitcase with red cheeks.

"Yes, um... I'm new? I think you could say that."

With a few t-shirts in your hand, you look at her one more time. She looks out the window a little unsure.

"okay...?"

not a lot of information but you can handle it, you probably won't talk much anyway. You hope for her that she knows someone here and doesn't have to be alone.

Even if she's a little odd, that doesn't mean she has to have a hard time here. After putting your shirts away, you went to grab the rest of your clothes when you realized what was so different about her. Ellie is now laying back on the bed and appears to be drawing or writing something.

“Are you even Christian?” you ask her. The question seems so absurd here. Sometimes it seems as if the holiness of the church next door, extends to the youth hostel. You really shouldn't have to ask a question like that here.

her green eyes turn to you.

"Not really"

She doesn't wait for your reaction and you are very happy about that, because your face definitely shows your puzzled head. It doesn't make sense, and you’re having a really hard time finding one. Why should a non-believer do this to herself?

"Why-"

The door bursts open and Hazel and her other friends come into the room laughing loudly.

"Hey, sorry we're late, everything's fine" Hazel appears in front of you and hugs you tightly, the smell of fresh roses touches your nose.

"It's all good, up there Ellie, she's new"

The eyes of the 4 girls meet those of the new one. Ellie seems a bit surprised that you introduced her so quickly, but it would have been awkward if it had taken 5 minutes to notice that there was another person in the room.

"oh, hey ellie I’m hazel"

the other girls introduce themselves to her as well. Mia, Kate and Naveah. You know them all from church and they’re nice.

"Which church do you go to, Ellie?" Mia asks and you can already guess the answer, but don't say anything.

"I don’t really go to church only on Christmas and thanksgiving, my aunt and uncle sometimes drag me to our city church Center in San Francisco. They're the only reason why I'm here."

Okay yes, she was very clear that she didn't want to be here, everyone in the room can read that.

"OK!" Hazel claps her hands together almost hysterically. "Then it's our job to bring you closer to God, I'm sure you were sent here for a good reason."

Even if you grew up with such talk, you can’t hide your embarrassed expression. You're pretty sure that someone who didn't grew up in a religious household would neither like to hear something like that nor really want to enforce it.

"Oh you don't have to, if God has something planned for me, he'll definitely figure it out himself." She whispers the last part, not too inconspicuously.

You briefly pray that she has a few friends here because after that, Hazel definitely doesn't want anything to do with her anymore.

Hazel sighs vexed and loudly places her backpack on the table, which again attracts Ellie's attention. She looks away from her journal and stands herself up with her elbows.

"I believe that God often tries to spread his word through people, as it so often says in the Bible. Mark 16:15 says: Go into all the world and preach the gospel to all creation"

“Jesus,” Ellie whispers quietly.

“You can really leave me out, I’ll hear all your sermons anyway,” she adds.

"You can be happy about that, many people turn away from God and don't even hear his words," explains Kate.

"They’re lucky," murmurs Ellie, you're thinking about hitting her in the face , the next time she wants to say something.

Hazel's face showed a lot and it all goes in the same direction: anger and also responsibility. She believes that everything happens in God's will and that it is her job to convert ever human on earth. Unfortunately she also knows no limits.

"Do you at least have a Bible Ellie?" she asks, louder than necessary.

The other girls sit tensely at the table and watch the desputed interaction between the two.

"Yes, my aunt packed one for me"

"That's something"

"Um hazel" Naveah's voice was quiet and she looks like a frightened mouse. "We're about to have a get-to-know-you evening."

Hazel slowly comes out of her madness and smiles softly, just like you're used to.

"Right-"

"Ellie can go with us, she definitely doesn't know where to go."

You hate to interrupt your best friend, but you are sure that she would have just left Ellie here. Hazel's face looks a bit dazed and that only confirms it, Kate and the others also look at you with question marks on their faces.

“yeah I’d like that”

Your looks exchange and you smile at her in understanding.

Ellie is one of the most original girls you've ever had the pleasure of meeting, and you promise yourself not to succumb too much to the urges inside.

"Yeah whatever" Hazel storms past you without another word and the others follow her like dogs on a leash.

You could say that Hazel has always been more reverent and connected to God than most and this has made her both popular and well-known, especially in the church. The adults and pastors always spoke of her in the best terms.

It's every parent's greatest wish, that's clear to everyone. And that's one of the reasons why so many people want to be like her. The love and recognition of parents is not always self-evident, at least not in your church.

You realize that Ellie was your job now and that's why you stand there and wait until she jumps off the bed again.

"I don't actually want to do this, you know that?" She says.

you snort.

"Yes, you made that clear, Ellie."

As much as you try to be consistent and strict with her, you can't help but smile. You quickly follow the others, you can hear the footsteps of the other girl behind you.

The short path to the church across the meadow passes very quiet. Your gaze scurries over to the many other people, who are hurrying like bees making their way the bee queen. That's how it feels too, like a call from a higher society.

The church looks bigger from the inside, than you would think. It has a stage where preaching takes place and many benches, arranged in rows in front of it. A large wooden cross has been hung on the back wall near the stage, the sight of it gives you a cold shiver down your spine, even though you have been here so many times.

Ellie's figure appears next to you. She doesn't look too happy to be here either, but you can obviously hide it better. Her hands are tucked into her jogging pants and she has something masculine about her that you have never seen before.

But you find it brave and impressive how she didn't care what others thought of her. Hazel and her group had sat down in the second row and you tapped Ellie shoulder to make it clear to her that, whether she likes it or not, she will be sitting next to you.

She groans slightly for a moment, but follows you.

The church is very ordinary, except it’s made of wood it but other than that it looks like any other. As you and Ellie push your way forward through the crowd, you also see a few familiar faces from the last few years. You sit down in silence next to Naveah, who pays you no attention, just as Hazel.

Ellie lets out a sigh as she sits down and stares at the large cross. She looks a bit… charming?, but overall you can only tell that she has no interest whatsoever in being here. Ellie leans slightly toward you.

"What's going to happen here? Do we have to swear on the Bible or something?"

Your eyes widen and you can't help but laugh.

"No, the pastor will introduce himself and we will discuss what topics we have this week and what our daily routine looks like."

“Okay” She screws up her face and you smile.

When you turn back around, Hazel's stare pierces your soul. You didn't even have to turn towards her, the energy of her anger was strong enough, that it could’ve reach you in another state

"Okay children, sit down" Pastor Tobias walks through the hall and the crowd becomes quieter.

The fact that he still calls you children was not only embarrassing for you in front of Ellie, but it generally puzzled you a lot. But as mentioned, there were also 15 year olds here, but it still annoys you.

As soon as he stands on the stage, it becomes completely quiet.

"Welcome, it's nice that you're all here to serve God and praise the Lord."

Your chest slowly tightens and you fidget a little with your fingers. Ellie nudges you with her elbow. Surprised by the gesture, you turn to her, and she looks at you with so much concern and confusion at the same time that it disturbs you a bit.

Her look asks you if you're okay, but it also shows that she understands if you're not.

"This week we're tackling the topic of conversion and the rewards for it. Then on Wednesday you'll go on a hike in the forest."

The children all groan because everyone knows how shitty such hikes are and how long they were.

"Yeah, yeah, I know, but it's going to be brightened up with a little scavenger hunt. Later, the staff will give you your tasks here on the camp and , yes still today, there will be a Bible lesson. Every morning and afternoon."

You actually like Bible lessons, you were good at reciting facts that you read in a book, it wasn't as bad as having the words of a preacher tattooed into your brain.

Pastor Tobias drives ahead.

"You have free time in the morning until breakfast and then the bible lessons and workshops begin. There are many different selections where you can register straight away, and then you have free time again for a few hours. The youth hostel's sports hall is now open again And you can use it again this year. In the evening the sermon will takes place at 8 p.m. You then have the choice to watch a film in the large hall and there will be silence for bedtime at 11 p.m.."

“Shit, that doesn’t sound so bad.”

Ellie's honesty appeals to you like iced water on a hot summer day.

unfortunately it’s also a very loud call im such a quiet room and a few people laugh in the back rows.

The pastor's eyes land on the girl and he seems to have remembered something because he doesn't drive forward.

"ellie..." a quick glance at the list of many names.

"Williams?"

The call doesn't surprise Ellie, she just nods, unconvinced.

Pastor Tobias nods and you can read a kind of... anger that makes your hands sweat.

"Yes, I remember you, young girl"

Ellie grimaces briefly at the nickname, he gave her.

"I see there has been no progress?"

You frown, but again it seems to be expected for Ellie.

"None that you would like" she grins at him, if you couldn't hear her words it would pass for a warm, even playful, smile. The room seems even quieter now and now you feel really cold.

All of this makes you incredibly nervous in the worst possible way.

"yes I see, well I hope this will finally help you"

After the sermon and after everyone has unpacked their things, the Bible lesson begins. There, everyone is divided into groups and you can talk about God and the world either in your room, the common room or sometimes even outside.

Your group decides to go outside and the grass under your fingers feels nice and comforting cold somehow. Hazel and some of the others have changed and you are also wearing much more comfortable clothes now.

"I don't really trust her? Sounds weird but that's how I feel."

You nod to every syllable Hazel says about Ellie.

Hazel fidgets with her long, holey sweater and you look up at the sky, watching the clouds. The lesson should start in a few minutes but Ellie is nowhere to be seen.

"I don't think she's coming," Mia murmurs.

"Yeah, as if she'd care." Kate laughs.

Hazel shifts a bit.

"But she should, even Tobi said that. I knew there was something strange about her.”

It bothers you how they can speak so badly about a complete stranger.

“Pastor Tobi may be a pastor but he’s not God, we don’t know anything for sure, Hazel.” Your stern voice surprises the others.

Most of the time you prefer to listen and observe, rather than add to the something conversations yourself.

Most of the time.

“But we can trust him, at least I do. Don’t you?”

It was a bet, without a doubt, one that you wouldn’t take up.

“Okay girls,”

a young woman in her mid-20s appears in front you with a smile and a Bible in her hand.

“Where should we start? Any concerns?”

You look at her without any real thoughts, no memory of her.

“Must be new,” Hazel whispers, saying what you’re thinking.

“Oh yes, I’m Louisa, but you can call me whatever you want, Lou, Louise, I don’t care.”

A small smile, blinded by the sun, hits your face as you notice how authentic and nice she seems. Ellie would definitely like her too if she would be here… it’s strange how familiar she already is to you. how much you outvote her.

"I am both your carer and your contact person, because I know that many of you do not see the two as one and the same."

She smiles lovingly and sits cross-legged in front of you so that you form a small circle.

"If there is anything on your mind, you can talk to me."

Hazel speaks up, finger in the air, her body completely stiff.

"Oh, you don't have to-"

Hazel interrupts Louisa quickly.

"Ellie didn't show up,"

you almost hiss through your teeth.

"Yes, I noticed that too..." she looks at her note and seems to be thinking about what exactly she should about this situation.

"I'll talk to her later."

A smile that doesn't really show love and attention appears on Hazel's lips.

"You should do that."

You don't see or hear anything from Ellie for the rest of the evening. You keep catching yourself looking around, hoping that she might be behind you. Your ears waited to hear the girl's rough voice or bright laugh, but that just didn't happen.

At the campfire, the clouds of smoke and the big fire banish your view and you just don't dare to get up and look for her. It would be too conspicuous and Hazel is already angry enough.

Hazel tells you about the many fireflies she saw last week and that she got an instant camera before camp. You turn over your stick of bread in silence and lean back on the bench, then you feel a warm, familiar hand on your shoulder.

"Are you okay, darling?"

Louisa’s eyes examine your face worriedly. She looks almost as old as you in the dark, but the fire shows that she actually isn't.

"huh?"

"are you alright?"

When Hazel notices that you are no longer participating in her conversation she turns the other way to Kate, finally you hear silence in your head for the first time this afternoon.

"yes, I'm fine," you whisper.

She almost didn't seem to hear it, but nods slowly.

"are you looking for someone?"

she whispers back with a grin, either to accommodate your gesture or because she realizes that your other friends probably shouldn't notice.

"me? no."

You wave your hand in the air, distracted. Louisa didn't really seem to buy it.

She takes the bread from her stick and looks into the distance, behind the fire. You wonder what is going on in her head.

"she's behind the yard."

You turn to her, shocked, because she knows full well that Ellie is actually some kind of problem case that you should maybe probably stay away from.

The woman notices your gaze and looks at you amused.

"I know how it feels to want something you shouldn't want, a friendship especially. A lot of people don't mention it but group stress and pressure doesn't end at 18."

her words bring you both comfort and sadness.

"when will it end?"

you're not sure why you're talking to her about it, much less why you feel comfortable enough to do so. Louisa was silent for a few seconds before answering.

"depends. maybe never. only we can make a difference, even though we're not the cause of the problem."

You gently pull your bread off the fire and set it aside so that it rests on the stick, in the air.

"thank you Louisa" you stand up, smiling, and turn to Hazel with a little more determination.

"i'm going to the bathroom for a minute."

hazel's eyes drift up from her conversation with some brown haired guy.

"okay.

without listening to anything else, your feet lead you away from the fire, until it is just a memory and a red light in the distance.

You feel immediately relieved.

But the closer you get to the youth hostel, the more nervous you become. you don't understand why and that only frustrates you more until it feels a little like your whole system is about to fail.

In the back yard, Louisa told you.

Louisa said it was okay to talk to Ellie, to want to talk to her, no reason to feel bad about it. Nevertheless, you stop before the turn to the back yard and look at the pebbles that make that crunching sound, which reminds you that you really want this.

But why do you feel so bad about wanting this?

new friendships are a good thing? yes, Hazel doesn't like her and she is probably a problem case in the church, but that is nothing world-changing.

your back finds the wall of the building and you breathe in and out quickly.

you are worried that if you turn here now you will just walk past her. Out of fear of her, of you, and of the rejection. Your breathing becomes heavier in your lungs. Panic, which you know all too well, spreads inside you and your hand goes to your chest.

"What the fuck is wrong with me?“

"yeah what is wrong with you dude"

you flinch and worry whether you have broken something, even though that is impossible in any universe.

"fuck"

you support yourself on your knees, immersed in shock, and eye the converse of Ellie, who is standing next to you.

"you good?"

"yes, jesus"

That came out a little harsher than you intended and the girl's eyes narrow for a second.

"sorry- you just scared me"

you lean against the wall again. you are sure that Ellie will go away now, but you hear her shoes stop right next to you.

"sorry, it wasn't intentional, what are you doing here?"

you don't know that either.

"I don't know"

you put your hands in your cardigan and look the auburn-haired girl in the eyes.

She is now leaning against the wall next to you.

"That's cool" the silence and the eye contact almost kills you, until you notice that Ellie is experimenting with something in her hands.

"Ellie, you can't smoke here! you shouldn't smoke at all"

Ellie giggles loudly and licks the paper to finish rolling the cigarette. Your gaze falls on her tongue and its movements but you quickly turn back to the front, feeling dizzy now.

Okay? That was... weird?

you thought.

"Nobody dies because of a little smoking"

"You would be surprised" you say and watch as she lights the cigarette.

It looks relaxing. Not as scary and evil as you always imagined, it almost looks magical.

"You never smoked before?"

Disbelief in her voice.

You giggle and relax your shoulders.

"not so common at a Christian school, I once went to a party with Mia. There were lots of joints and cigarettes, but I never got any closer to the stuff"

"it's awesome, and you can buy it if you want. 18 and your parents can't really tell you shit"

Your mother's face appears in your vision and the feeling of shame spreads again.

"yes, they can..."

Ellie takes a drag on the cigarette and looks at you again.

Softer and more curious.

"fuck, you take this actually serious"

"yeah, what else should I do? A lot of people aren't here for fun, Ellie"

"yes, I can imagine, Dina takes it serious too"

Now she looks like the same person you remember meeting. Much more serious and proud. A little brave too.

"who's Dina?"

Ellie kicks a few stones with her shoe and her expression doesn't really tell you much.

"nobody. isn't important, but she takes it seriously."

You nod and respect her boundaries even if it's the last thing you want to do.

"You don't?"

"Fuck no" she laughs, but the wall that she has built up for herself for so long and with so much effort, is crumbling.

You could see and hear it. Her eyebrows frown and her voice was like a silky purr.

"Ellie- I know it's none of my business but why-"

"What do you think, doll? Ha, you remind me of a doll"

That distracts you.

You turn to her with a grin. "How do I remind you of a doll?"

the physical openness surprised Ellie, but she happily accepted it. she turned around and grins at you.

"quiet and pretty. but like, porcelain pretty as if you had been painted."

Holy shit.

you curse yourself for having said that, but it is the only thing that does justice to your feelings right now. your face gets warm and you can’t help but smile at that. You probably look dumb with that stupid grin on your face. No one ever said something like that so casually to you and your not sure if you wanted anyone else, but Ellie to be the one who does.

But it is a nice tingling sensation.

as if soft feathers were brushing against your skin.

"so what do you think I'm doing here?"

The nervous feeling visits you again but it is more caring than before, less careful.

"I'm sure you did something. I'm just not sure what exactly, but it must be bad, right?"

you actually just wanted to joke but Ellie's face turns gloomy again and she takes another puff of her rolled cigarette.

"maybe? I'm not really sure myself, it didn't feel wrong."

Confused, you watch her, her face, her tousled hair and her hand holding the poison, she is probably addicted to but cannot resist.

"Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak."

"What?"

You giggle at her confusion, but immediately explain what you mean.

"Temptations are common in the Bible. And in the world too. They are everywhere even if we cannot see or feel them."

You both look forward now instead of at each other because that seems more pleasant. The green trees were barely visible now. At least not the leaves. The trunk was still there.

"But how do you know it's a temptation?"

Lost and maybe even confusion appear in Ellie's deep voice. Your heart breaks a little, like the first time you saw your grandpa cry.

"I believe that if it harms you or others, it is a clear sin. biblical and moral," you explain.

"There are rules... many." You add uncomfortable

Ellie nods at your words, not like you do with Hazel. She means it seriously and she listens.

"I know."

"So what did you do?"

She seems confused for a moment, but then memory flashes across her face and she looks straight ahead again.

"I kissed someone."

"You kissed someone?" You repeat slowly, grinning slightly.

That's not so bad.

"Well I kissed someone and got caught... doing something else. But it's related."

You nervously play with the fabric of your cardigan.

"Okay?"

So she had sex?

Sin before marriage, But we can let that slide.

God, you could fill a damn library with all the stories you heard in your class, about girls who were caught with boys in their beds.

"She didn't get into trouble. I'm the only one here."

your brain clicks it all together quickly. God in heaven, you are naive. naive, stupid and careless.

"oh"

Ellie chuckles breathy.

"oh"

she emphasizes in the same shocked tone as you.

you swallow, noticing how dry your throat is. your back feels cold and hot at the same time for the first time in your life you understand what Edvard Munch meant by his god damned “the scream“ painting.

if Ellie wasn't standing right in front of you, you probably wouldn't look any different.

“Ellie I- that like a very big sin"

the pebble dances beneath her feet, as she turns away from you.

"no shit"

"wait I didn't-"

what didn't you? you said what you were supposed to say.

why the fuck do you feel like you need to add something to that. To have another conversation with her.

To look at her and pray that she's already looking at you. She stops with her back to you.

You've never been sure how to deal with irritable people. You couldn't do it with your sister or brother, with Hazel or anyone else.

"I-I don't know what to say. but I don't want you to leave"

Truths

Truths

Truths.

that's not a sin.

if you were to say something different to her now, Things you should normally say, you would be lying.

you wouldn't be any better.

7/21/2007

Reader pov:

6:40 a.m

The air is stuffy. Grossly stuffy and thick.

Before you even open your eyes you notice how bright it is and look at your clock on the bedside table.

6:41 a.m

You let out a sigh and you can hear the snoring of a few of the other girls. Even though you don't have to get up until 7:30 it's not worth going back to sleep or even trying.

The chances of it working are slim. You unintentionally go over last night again.

Ellie confesses that she kissed a girl. You reacted like a good Christian girl, but after a few seconds you felt so bad that you stopped her from leaving and pulled her back. You said that you don't hate her, but that it's not right according to God. Ellie seemed to find that a bit annoying, but she was no longer in rabies mode.

Then you ran. well, not really ran, but you quickly turned around and went back to the fire.

It all became too much and it happened too fast. Ellie look after you touched her arm and she reacted to your words.

Your face turned red out of shame and the thought, that she might notice, bothered you.

When you came back from the campfire, Ellie wasn't in bed or in the bathroom. You were a little worried, apparently Ellie is the kind of person who sometimes doesn't let herself be seen for a while.

You bend your head out of bed and look at the top bunk opposite. still empty.

"Fuck," you mumble, stressed now.

You slowly get your legs out of bed and for the first time in years you are glad that you always have to sleep in the bottom bunk.

The floor is ice cold, but the sun outside gives the room warm air.

As you try to get up, you stupidly bang your head on the wall of the bed above you.

"Shit!"

You hear a few pillows and blankets rustling for a moment, but then the usual morning silence returns.

You quickly grab your slippers, a cardigan, your MP3 player and your Nokia. You wash your face and teeth and try to tame your hair. When you're done, you standing lost in the hallway. Nobody seems to be awake.

You put your headphones on and play your playlist. It was a mix of The Killers and Coldplay, since luckily your parents didn't just show you 80s music.

All these things that I've done. You love this song.

You try to go down the stairs at the beat, but quickly realise that it's much too loud. You scurry past the boys' hallway and there isn't a soul either. Kate's boyfriend should have arrived last night. You hate Kate's boyfriend.

There are a few more people awake on the first floor, but you don't really want to start a conversation, so you try to scurry to the end of the hallway, past the common room and the dining room.

you've almost reached the door to freedom, when someone says your name.

Pastor Tobias. great.

"good morning, young lady" it always confuses you that he talks like he’s 50. he's only in his mid-30s.

"Hello Pastor Tobias, how are you this morning?"

the pastor comes closer.

"I feel especially blessed today"

you both laugh uncomfortably at his words.

"Are you on your way to pray in church? The church is already open, my morning prayers are very important to me."

"um..." actually that's not the reason, but then he would definitely not let you out. you make a mental note to stop by the church later. "Yes, exactly. Isn't that how you'd like your morning to start?"

The man nods in agreement and also... proudly?

"You could be a great worship leader one day… I don't want to hold you up. But please be back for breakfast, You know how time flies when you're praying."

Another unpleasant laugh and then you're through the door.

You arrive in the cold air, wearing only your short striped pj shorts, a spaghetti top and a green knit jacket. Your gaze glides over the large meadow.

Everything is exactly like yesterday, only with a lot more fog and a lot fewer people.

You love this hour of day. Everyone is about to wake up and you get a last look at the world, without loud noises, lots of people and tasks. As you walk across the meadow towards the lake, your non-waterproof shoes soak up the water from the meadow. Your legs start to freeze as well.

You pray that you won't have a cold tomorrow. You walk past the large church and the fireplace. Just as you are almost at the lake, you see a figure emerging from the grass walking towards you.

You recognize him immediately.

Caleb Thompson. You have known each other for years and your churches are very close to each other. Every year he is here, just like you, and every year Hazel tries to get a date with him or a phone number, anything.

You have the urge to either run back and pretend you never saw him or hide in the grass. Both are out of the question, as he is already far too close and has probably seen you.

"Don't come too close to me, psycho" - yes, you were expecting a reaction like that, but he likes to exaggerate. He takes two steps away from you.

"I haven't forgotten how sick you are, girl. Don't do anything stupid or I'll tell everyone what happened, I promise, bitch".

Your eyes widen, he walks past you with his arms protectively outstretched.

"It wasn't that bad, motherfucker"

- he stops and turns around.

"What did you just call me?" You stop too.

For years you've wanted to tell him how much of a fucked up person he really is, but for Hazel's sake you never did. But now you’re sure that they won’t end as a couple anyway.

"Motherfucker, Caleb. You're a real asshole"

- you say with your arms crossed.

His long, blonde hair lies in his face and looks pretty unkempt, as if he's been swimming at night and hasn't showered. "You cunt-"

He comes at you, you mentally prepare yourself. But an arm separates you and pushes him away.

"Jesus Caleb, calm down." You know that voice.

Her short reddish, brown hair is in a little braid this time and she still seems to be in her sleeping clothes.

"the fuck Ellie you don't know shit-"

"yeah but I also don't care about shit, I just know you shouldn't hit a girl. so please piss off"

he lets out a loud, annoyed breath like men always do and turns around, and if he wasn't walking on grass you would probably hear his stomping pretty well.

"you didn't have to do that"

Ellie's eyes meet yours for the first time since yesterday.

"yeah, but I still did. No matter how sweet your little ego is, that guy would have ripped you to pieces. no offens"

how much you want to tell her that that's not true and how shitty he is, how much he deserves it, but you don't.

"whatever"

"where are you going?"

the question surprises you. up until now you were obsessed with starting a conversation with Ellie, up until now it wasn't based on reciprocity.

If you weren’t nervous before, you sure as hell are now.

"to the lake" your voice is a bit quiet but she seems to have heard it, her gaze wanders behind you to the lake and she shrugs her shoulders.

"okay" then she walks past you towards the lake. you frown.

She looks over her shoulder.

"are you coming?"

"yeah!" you quickly try to keep up with her pace.

"what are you doing here so early?"

you ask her while walking quickly.

"actually I wanted to swim, but the water is so fucking cold"

"you swim? Like, professionally"

"when I was little I was in the swimming club for 3 years, but now I only swim when I want and can" she grinned at you.

your stomach tickles nervously.

"were you good"

she chuckles at you. "yes I was really fucking good"

a smile spreads across your lips and you follow her to the jetty. You sit down at the end of the long wooden path. you take off your shoes and put you legs in the water. "cold!"

Ellie giggles next to you. "told you"

you grin back and nudge her with your elbow. you are sitting so close that you can feel the warmth of her body on your arm.

Something’s not right. Something’s different. Different from when you talk to Hazel or Caleb or anyone. This feels like you belong somewhere. With her, as weird as that sounds since she’s someone who likes the same sex.

But then you remember, Your sister once spent a year abroad in Germany and brought you cactus popsicle. The tip of the ice, made a crackling sound in your mouth that was funny, unreal and ticklish. you laughed the whole evening at the reactions of your family members. that's exactly how it feels right now.

like German cactus popsicle.

You dare to look at Ellie.

she is also wearing pjs pants and a white tank top with a grey hoodie jacket over it. her hair is imperceptibly and tousled probably from being limp, but you find it kind of cute.

Ellie is always so serious and sarcastic, but you are sure she is a bit softer and more sensitive, than she likes to show.

This "look" shows you that again. She’s just a girl too, a very complicated and chaotic girl.

"why don't you swim anymore?" you ask her.

"Joel said I took it too seriously back then, now that I think about it, he was probably right."

Ellie's playfully kicks the water like a stone on the road.

"who's Joel?"

she gives you a quick glance to the side.

"my adoptive father."

"oh" you try to suppress the surprise in your voice but it doesn't work.

"did he send you here?"

you hope you're not asking too many personal questions, but Ellie doesn't seem to mind.

"no, that was my aunt and uncle, I'm here for the summer while Joel is enjoying his life on the coast of Malibu . Oregon really sucks compared to Malibu."

you nod thoughtfully.

"what is he doing in Malibu? … and what are you doing here and not in Malibu?"

"Honeymoon. my old man is just married, but Tess is really sweet, I like her"

"Tess, pretty name" you reply.

"yes, the wedding was nice, I even got to play the guitar for Take on Me" another fulfilled smile appears on her face as she watches the water.

Ellie has lots of things that make her happy and feel good. No matter how broken the pastor thinks she is, it's not true. She is one of the most complete people you have ever seen.

"I can play the piano" you grin at her surprised reaction.

"Piano, huh? I tried to learn it once, but it's too complicated for me, I'll stick with guitars. Huge respect though doll"

the nickname she gives you, makes you feel warm, your heart jumps excited and the trust you give her feels good. Safe.

"yes, my mother forced me to learn it as a child so that I could play for the choir, so please don't laugh at me if I have to do that here too."

"I would never laugh at you. Especially not because of something impressive"

now you obviously turn your head towards her. For a few seconds you just look at each other, as if you had to upgrade each other's bodies and faces all over again.

"You’re very Sweet Ellie."

The girl's freckles are affected by the redness of her face and she looks away again. You want to talk about yesterday, you can't really get last night out of your head.

"About yesterday..."

Now she shakes her head quickly.

"Just forget it. I know what you think about it... but I don't want it to stand between us. You're much too nice, please just forget it."

You can hear her impatience but also her fear.

"It doesn't bother me." You reply softly

"What?"

It breaks your heart how surprised she is. How much she expects the hate and rejection.

John 15:12: My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you.

"I don't really mind it. however you feel about this or about yourself it doesn't matter. you are made of love Ellie."

You have never felt this wise in your entire life, and never more like yourself too.

"that was so cheesy holy shit"

you bump your shoulder hard against hers, laughing.

"fuck you"

just as you were about to sit down a bit more comfortable you fidget a bit trying to find a comfortable position, as Ellie bumps her shoulder so hard into yours, at such a wrong moment that you were in the water in three seconds. You fail and try to hold on to her, but pull her in with you.

The cold water embraces your body unexpected. Your clothes absorb the water so quickly, that as soon as you reach the surface your cardigan is as heavy as stone.

Luckily you put your phone and your mp3 player out of your pocket before whatever this is happened.

You gasp loudly and the cold that takes over your face turns your cheeks a fiery red.

"Ellie what the fuck-"

You admit, you actually intended to be mad, her clumsiness got you into cold water but she just laughs loud. Your arms slide slowly in rhythm to your sides and keep you above water.

"I'm so sorry really but-"

she starts laughing again.

You are sure that she will wake up the whole camp with her laughter. Grinning, you swim over to her.

"Okay Ellie calm down. You’re gonna drown from Laughing-„

Splashes of water land in your face and you let out a little scream. The other girl looks you over teasingly and moves away.

"You're so done"

In a matter of seconds a shaft of water starts and all you can hear is the loud splashing of the water and the screaming of two girls.

splash

Water in Ellie's face, but she manages to protect herself with her arms.

splash

Water hits your face for the third time and you laugh and squeeze your eyes shut.

"Okay, I give up," you gasp.

"Yeah, you better,"

Ellie Chuckles, also completely soaked.

You look at her.

Her wet hair is stickt to her cheeks and she has this grin that would make you do anything. And she's funny, so damn funny. And beautiful, especially now. She's like salt water. She's like the sea. Wild and grumpy and salty. When you're with her, you feel the way you do when you hear a really good song for the first time.

"You okay?"

You quickly leave your thoughts behind and nod at her.

"Never been better,"

she laughs. To your surprise, she then lets herself float on the surface of the water. Her arms outstretched and her eyes closed. You do the same and the both of you lie next to each other.

Her pointed fingers lightly brush against yours.

She’s Like salt water. As soon as you notice it, it starts to burn and you want to wash it off straight away.

To all the closeted queer people in church; you matter and you’re a real icon. There are more gays in religious spaces than you think!!! Try finding each other, it helps a lot!! Spend time with the people who love and enjoy who you are ❤️ ( GAYYYY)

SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG FORGIVE ME

Taglist: @elliewilliamgfooc @a-little-bit-of-everybody @vqxen @hersuniverse @nelzooo @shiimer @bready101

[saintgoths]

ᴄᴀᴛᴡᴏᴍᴀɴ

DEALER!ELLIE X READER - CATWOMAN. [COLLEGE/UNIVERSITY AU].

WORD COUNT - 3,282.

RATING - 18+. [use of alcohol, use of marijuana, oral sex reader!receiving].

SUMMARY - smitten with a woman she’s never seen before, ellie is willing to give free weed to the femme fatale with nothing in return, but you too stubborn to leave ellie empty handed, you come up with an idea both you and ellie are attune about.

if this reaches more than 75 notes maybe i'll do a part 2?? feedback, liking and reblogging would be appreciated!

if you want to join a the last of us discord/joel miller discord here you go! 𓆩♡𓆪

Ellie had wished she had been born different, she had silently requested she wasn’t as easily obsessed as she was during this current life; it was Halloween and Dina and Jesse had dragged Ellie to a frat party after numerous of pleads for Ellie to get off her ass and celebrate with them. Ellie hated Halloween, she never told anyone why but she despised it, she had only accepted the invitation because she did not want to hear Dina complain any longer.

Currently, Ellie had backed herself up to one of the corners of the walls, she had her hand around one of the red cups that was offered to her the moment she entered the area. She had also been offered much booze, and she didn’t deny any of them, anything to get herself out of the grumpy mood was accepted. Moreover, aside from the beverages she had downed herself with, your appearance had to take the cake, you had strutted into the party with fierce confidence, the Cat Woman outfit you had worn had caused your provocative display to be even more appealing and arousing.

Ellie had noticed you had worn the Cat Woman outfit from the newest Batman movie, Ellie had watched your every single move, she was sweetly captivated by your allure and figure, she had observed that others had recognised the risqué attitude and appearance you had and it had commenced people to immediately attempt to offer you drinks, Ellie had found it funny with the way people had drooled and surrounded you. Yet, it had made her curious, she had never seen you before, and if she had seen you prior to this event, she would’ve indubitably remembered it.

Ellie had presently turned to look at her best friend, Dina who had currently been talking to one of the people in the party, but the moment Ellie had nudged her, she twisted her gaze towards Ellie, “Dina, who is she?”

Dina had then curved to observe who Ellie was talking about, the second Dina had recognised who her auburn haired friend was implying of, both of her eyebrows had quickly jerked upwards. “That’s [Y/N] du Armani,” Dina casually replied, “she’s a fashion student and she’s the daughter of the top sponsor of the University, she’s like crazy rich.”

“How comes I’ve never seen her before?” Ellie suspiciously inquired, Ellie had never even heard of you and if you had been the daughter of the top sponsor of the University, she would’ve thought she would’ve heard of your name by now.

Dina creepily smiled at Ellie’s question, she could easily tell that Ellie was intrigued by you, and she would’ve encouraged Ellie to come up to you, but she had heard things about you that had made Dina unsure if she’d want to have her friend smitten by you.

“I’ve been told most of the time that she stays in her dorm if she’s not in class, but other than that, Ellie, the girl’s a player, if you don’t want your feelings hurt don’t do anything with her.”

Perceptive to Dina’s information, Ellie gently beckoned her head, considerate of Dina’s short warning. The girl had then proceeded to drag her boyfriend to the dance floor the moment one of her favourite songs had blasted through the speakers; alone, Ellie lightly huffed through her lips and looked at her almost empty cup, she had thought to get a refill but she hadn’t been bothered to push herself off the wall and push through bodies that had pressed against each other.

“Are you the dealer?”

Shit, Ellie didn’t even see you making your way towards her, her eyes were wide and the grip around her cup had stiffened, the moment Ellie had recognised, that you had been talking to her she had blinked a couple of times, embarrassed that you had caught her in a daze motion.

You had laughed at her taken aback stance, it had seemed like Ellie had attempted to look behind her to make sure you were conversing with her, but her green eyes had just met with the wall that aided her balance. “Well, there’s no one behind you,” you lightly joked.

Ellie turned to face you again, she had seemed less surprised as she had tried to make herself seem less like a fool. “How do you know I deal? Are you the police?”

In faux let-down, you had looked down at your feet. “Maybe you’re not the dealer,” you said in error, yet, it had seemed like Ellie had taken your disappointment seriously which had caused her to widen her eyes.

“Oh, I do deal but I don’t have anything on me right now, shit, I’m sorry.”

You had lifted your face to face her, there was a small pout on your face but it was detectable. Your pout was dainty and pretty and it had pushed Ellie to want to help you with your weed problem, “that’s fine, I’ll look for someone else.”

“No, we can go back to my accommodation,” Ellie countered, she had hidden much of her stash there and had barely been detected for some reason, but she did not want to jinx anything and thank God that she hadn’t been exposed.

“Okay,” you had simply muttered, “I found the party boring anyways,” you hadn’t been in the party for more than thirty minutes, but you had just wanted people to see your erotic outfit you had made yourself. You had followed Ellie out of the frat party, she was a couple of steps ahead of you but had consistently checked if you were still behind her. “How comes you haven’t dressed up for Halloween?” Aside from her not wearing any costumes, you had observed that she had looked like a lumberjack.

“I hate Halloween,” Ellie bluntly answered, she hadn’t told anyone why she disliked the Holiday, the only people who knew the reason for her distaste of the event was her family, it wasn’t admittedly a topic she liked to converse about.

You had examined her up and down, humoured that she had hated Halloween but attended a Halloween party. “Then how comes you were at the frat party?”

“Because my friends forced me to come.”

“How would your friends feel when they learn that you left them to give me weed?” You curiously inquired, if she had seen the way your eyes had glistened, she would’ve thought you had a commodity sneaking up your sleeve, but it had actually lauded you that she was willing to take you to her accommodation, mayhap it was because she would be receiving money as an outcome.

Ellie had snickered at your comment and gently waved her hand as a short response. “They’d get over it.”

The entire walk towards her accommodation had been brimmed with the two of you endlessly conversing with each other, you hadn’t thought that you would be engrossed enough to have a long conversation with her. Though, Ellie had actually been an enticing person, she had informed you that she does Music but likes to do Art as a hobby along with reading comics, you had found it cute with the way she spoke about planets and how sometimes her words slurred due to the amount of alcohol she had consumed.

The both of you had eventually ended up at her accommodation, the walk was quite long but Ellie had used Jessie’s car to come to the frat party so there was no way he would’ve allowed Ellie to use his car for her business, and she did not want Dina to see that she had fell into the traps of the Cat Woman who stole everyone’s attention the minute she walked in.

The auburn-haired girl had checked if her roommate was in, fortunately the coast was clear, it wasn’t like Ellie was ashamed to bring you in, her roommate was nosy and loved to gossip. If she saw you behind Ellie she would’ve undeniably typed away. On the other hand, Ellie had been surprised that her roommate hadn’t snitched on Ellie about her weed business, perhaps it was because Ellie was sort of her dealer; howbeit, Ellie had assisted you to the shared sofa before she directed herself to where she kept her stash and decided to pre-roll you at least five blunts. You had been grateful for it, surprised even, people had pre-rolled you weed before but not five.

“Ellie, if I’ve known you longer, I would’ve thought you had a crush on me because of this,” you comically asserted while you had felt the dip of Ellie’s weight press beside you.

“Anything for the pretty lady,” she jokingly replied.

“Wanna smoke with me?” You offered, you had thought it would have been lame to end the night with the two of you not smoking anything together, moreover, the both of you had left the frat party because you had mutually found it disinteresting, the least you could do together is have a good time.

She had been quick to take out a lighter, and during her action you had pulled off the Cat Woman mask that had covered half of your face, as a consequence, the moment Ellie’s eyes had rebounded to you, she had felt her heart attempt leapt out of her chest, she had felt her throat close and her cheeks start to heat up, you were even more sublime than she had thought you would’ve been and it made her nervous.

“Have you ever been caught?” You asked and it took Ellie a few seconds to regain her conscious.

She had begun to hate the fact that you had briskly made her feel this way, because she knew what it would lead to. “Not yet,” she awkwardly replied which had inferred you to breathily laugh at her answer, she had then gestured you to pass one of the pre-rolled blunts for her to light and silently you had obeyed her small task.

“I’ve heard that your family sponsors the Uni,” Ellie stated while she had passed the blunt to you, she had looked at you, impertinent to your background.

It had seemed like the strength of the alcohol had slowly died down in her system, she had appeared more serious and examining, her green eyes clear of prying intent. You had dramatically sighed before you had huffed one pull, people had usually asked you about your family and from time to time you’d get annoyed by it, though, during this circumstance you couldn’t be agitated, this was someone who pre-rolled you weed, the least you could do was speak about your family.

“Yeah, du Armani,” you kindly answered.

“How comes I’ve never seen you before?”

Ellie had been greedy for information, even though she had gotten the information from Dina, she had wanted an answer from the actual woman herself. “I just didn’t want to,” you hastily shrugged, you had then passed the zoot to the freckled face girl who had patiently waited for her turn, before you had given the roll to her, she had watched every movement of yours, her eyes intrusive and enamoured, you had turned to look at her while the both of her lips covered the piece, “why ask?” You inquired.

“I don’t know,” Ellie shrugged, she could feel her ears heat up whilst her eyes trailed to her hand that had held the weed, timid to look at you in the eyes once more. She could see through her peripheral that you had widely smiled at her shy state.

“You haven’t told me your name,” Ellie muttered in hopes to get the apprehensive circumstance off her.

“[Y/N].”

You had then sat up during the moment Ellie had redirected the blunt towards you, you could tell that she had wanted to inform you of her name, but you had, as of now been knowledgeable of it. “I know who you are,” you cut off, your eyes were slowly hazed, although, you had remembered that you still had to pay for her services. “How much for the weed?”

Silent, Ellie had contemplated about the prices, she had carried her face to view the ceiling and blew a soft smoke from her lips. You had smiled at her little action and smoothly giggled, content that she was able to make you briefly laugh, with her head rested against the face of the sofa, she had turned to face you. “It’ll be free this time.”

“No!” You loudly gasped, taken aback you had slapped her shoulder, ready to deny her free price once more if she had offered it again.

Ellie quickly sat up, just as dismayed as you. “You’re denying free weed?” She loudly exclaimed and you briskly nodded your head, within this scenario you had viewed Ellie as a mad woman, chiefly due to the fact that she knew you were a rich woman, and most dealers you went to would usually take advantage of that.

“I have to at least do something,” you stubbornly counteracted but Ellie adamantly shook her head, her decision final.

You had pulled back, both hands on your lap briefly upset that Ellie’s services were free, you didn’t want to make it seem like you were taking advantage of her, still, it was her that offered the free prices. Regardless, an idea struck your mind, you had felt a light bulb glow above your head and Ellie could tell you had been up to something, an impish idea running through your mind, giggly, you had pushed your bottom lips behind your lips ere you pressed your lips against Ellie’s ear.

It might’ve been the alcohol and the herbal influence, but accompanying Ellie in her accommodation, alone, had stirred erotic feelings in you. “How about I let you eat me out?”

Surprised, Ellie looked at you, the nerve and audacity you had, her pleasuring you for exchange for her giving you free weed? Your boldness was striking and it was moving for her, “do you usually ask that for people who give you free stuff?” Ellie brazenly challenged.

“No, only the pretty ones,” you mockingly countered.

Smitten, Ellie quickly gave into your proposal, her eyes vulgar, already randy for your taste, pleased, you had pulled yourself closer to her and clasped your lips against hers, her hands fast and eager to take off your Cat Woman outfit, you two had quickly transformed into keen rabbits, your tongues petting each other and lips swelling due to each other’s pressure, you had easily moaned into her mouth while her hands had rubbed over your breast after she hastily unclasped your bra, you had aided the girl to peel off the rest of your costume which had left you to only be in your underwear.

Ellie had then pulled away to view your body, enticed she had placed her hands against the side of your upper waist, her green coloured orbs had examined the beauty spots, the small freckles and the tattoos that had been embedded on your skin, “your body is so fucking perfect,” she lustfully whispered just before she had pressed her lips against your mouth, taking you in again you had moaned while you had wrapped your arms around her and allowed the auburn haired girl to rest you against the sofa.

Her fingers had quickly slid into the inside of your underwear, eager to slide them off your legs, the moment her eyes were set on the divine grail, she commenced to press her lips against the inside of your thighs, the scent of your tangy heat had aroused her, but she had wanted to keep herself tolerant, she had become lenient and restrictive to touch herself as she had wanted all her focus to be on her devouring you.

Hungry, her lips had lapped around your heat, her tongue moving in circles around your nub, her short nails dug into the skin of your thighs holding you into a tight and fixed position. You had moaned, your head had rested flat against the sofa and all you could see was the light that had shone above you, your eyes blurred while Ellie had occupied herself with consistently licking your pearl and sucking it till your body had twitched and ached.

“Fuck,” she murmured, her mouth full with your flesh ere her tongue had attacked your cunt, her fingers from her right hand sneakily made their way up to your pussy, motivated to rub against your clitoris and charge you into a numb and blissed circumstance. Your hands had reached to her hair, eager for the girl to quicken the pace, you had commenced to rub your cunt against her frame, randy and aroused, you had begun to wail in pleasure the moment she had fell into your desires.

Her fingers that had curled and twisted inside you were quick were keen to rub against your lump, Ellie’s eyes that had been focused on your heat had rolled up to view how gratified and content you were. Moaning her name and rubbing your nectar against her face, Ellie’s tongue, long and starved continued to flick against your clit, “you taste so good,” she softly whined, hastily obsessed with the taste of your jolt and relish, she had enthusiastically gathered your cum the moment you had loudly moaned and climaxed in her opening, Ellie had gasped against your skin, ardent to have more of you.

“I need more,” Ellie fervently moaned, her eyes now shut as she began to hump the sofa, her mind had disappeared to the erotic plane that had opened up to her, and she felt like she could cum with just having your taste in her mouth, having you moan her name and rubbing your pussy against her lips was enough to send Ellie into a frenzy.

“Oh God!” You whined, your hand had pressed against Ellie’s head, motivated to push her off but she had been too dominated with the taste of your cunt that she had been willing to send you into another orgasmic burst, “Oh God! Oh G—”

“Oh God?!”

Abruptly, the two of you had quickly pulled away from each other, you were quick to cover your naked body with your hands while Ellie’s roommate, Doris, had shortly covered her eyes with her hand. Embarrassed, you had hastily pulled your underwear and bra back on, your cheeks flustered during the moment you slid on your Cat Suit.

“Shit!” Ellie shortly cussed, she had wiped your ambrosia off her lips, flustered and disconcerted, Ellie had stood to her feet as she had watched you foolishly attempt to put on your clothes. “I’m so sorry,” Ellie abashedly apologised to Doris who had slowly recognised the femme fatale that had sat on the shared couch.

Her mouth slowly parted while Ellie scratched the back of her head, flustered she had known that there would be much apologies that had to be delivered to Doris as she had been caught eating out a student on a couch Doris had also used aside from Ellie. Howbeit, that was the last thing that was in Doris’ mind, her priority was in this case was that fucking [Y/N] du Armani was being eaten out by her roommate.

During the scenario, you hadn’t said much, you were focused on leaving the property so much that you had forgotten your mask on Ellie’s and Doris’ sofa, you had found the situation quite funny but you were still contrite and chagrined that you quickly turned to look at Ellie before you had left the accommodation with the see-through bag filled with pre-rolled weed she had made for you before the disaster.

song[s] that fit this song ⬎

⟶ shakira - she wolf.

if you want to join a the last of us discord/joel miller discord here you go! 𓆩♡𓆪

masterlist

♆

[aphrvdisiac]

TYPING… https://aphrvdisiac/guidelines.com

— writer demands all rules and guidelines are respected and understood. failing to comply will result in being reported and blocked.

✎ᝰ you must be eighteen years old or older in order to be interacting with my work or account. if you are not or an ageless blog, you will be reported and blocked.

✎ᝰ my work is not meant to be taken lightly. though i will be properly tagging my works and it will vary from fluff to smut, i will also be writing any dark content. dark content may be triggering and/or upsetting.

✎ᝰ i will be writing for ellie williams, abby anderson, joel miller, and sam carpenter. if i decide to write for anyone else, this section and my masterlist will be updated.

✎ᝰ my works will consist of character x fem!reader only, and though the reader insert has no specifics, they will consistently have femme preferences. this is due to the fact i am femme presenting myself and it is what i am more comfortable with writing, even with the fact that i do not want to unintentionally stereotype mascs/gender neutrals. in the future once i have done proper research and ways to go about writing mascs/gender neutrals in my works, this section will be updated.

✎ᝰ i will not write for EDs, self infliction, anything to do with underage characters, piss or scat, necrophilia, r*pe, extreme kinks, extreme pet play, age play, mlm content, foot fetish.

✎ᝰ any and all hate will not be tolerated. if you are pro-israel, racist, homophobic, transphobic, ableist, misogynistic, or a plain a-hole, you will be immediately reported and blocked. my account is meant to be safe space for everyone.

✎ᝰ my inbox is open for requests or chatting. if you are to send a request, please make sure it is with a character i write for and be specific with details and the plot.

✎ᝰ i take any and all criticism for my works, but please do not be overly harsh or rude about it. criticism does help me approve my writing in plenty of ways, so thank you for any feedback.

[naviaknell777]

Fandoms/Characters I Write For

This list will change over time when I discover new shows/movies/games!

- The Last of Us (show):

- Joel Miller

- Undertale (video game):

- Sans

- Papyrus

- Toriel

- Asgore

- Undyne

- Mettaton/Mettaton EX

- Alphys

- Napstablook

- ROTTMNT (2018 show and movie):

- Donatello Hamato

- Raphael Hamato

- Leonardo Hamato

- Michelangelo Hamato

- The Owl House:

- Edalyn Clawthorne

- Hunter

- Luz Noceda

- Howl’s Moving Castle (movie):

- Howl Pendragon-Jenkins

- Demon Slayer (anime):

- Tanjiro Kamado

- Zaniysu Agatsuma

- Inosuke Hashibara

- Tengen Uzui

- Kyojuro Rengoku

*Note: as of 7/24/23 I’ve currently watched up to the end of the season with the entertainment District Arc, and I only go off the anime, not manga! I will catch up with the series soon, and when I do I’ll write a note here when I’m caught up*

- Ouran High School Host Club (anime):

- Haruhi Fujioka

- Kyoya Ootori

- Hikaru Hitachiin

- Kaoru Hitachiin

- Takashi Morinozuka

- Mitsukuni Haninozuka

- Tamaki Suoh

- My Hero Academia (anime)

- Katsuki Bakugou

- Izumi Midoriya

- Mirio Togata

- Tamaki Amijiki

- Shouta Aizawa

- Toshinori Yagi

- Hizashi Yamada

*Note: I’m only caught up to season five, and I only go off the anime, not the manga! I I will catch up with the series soon, and when I do I’ll write a note here when I’m caught up*

- Miraculous: Tales of Ladybug and Chat Noir

- Marinette/Ladybug

- Adrien Agreste/Chat Noir

- Gabriel Agreste/Betterfly/Hesperia (from the Miraculous World: Paris special)

- Transformers One (2024 Movie)

- Orion Pax/Optimus Prime

- D-16/Megatron

- B-127/Bee/Badassatron

*Note, I’m doing only x bot reader for TFO (mech or femme, whichever faction idc) only, not human readers because there’s no humans in the movie