#jk its a running joke with pals

[sanssupremacy]

Get sansed. GET ASSED!!!!

But fr I am dying, i will never recover from walking in heels on a inclined road for more than two hours. BTW, SMALL ASS HEELS, NARROW HEELS, HOW DOES MTT WALK IN BIG ASS HEELS??????

Oh and it wasnt even worth it, we barely got any candy.

[1kook]

kissanime & foreplay

this is part of my netflix & chill collection !

summary; You get a glimpse of the KissAnime screen for a good two seconds before about seven ads pop up. Another tab to a raunchy hentai website opens, and Jungkook groans. warnings; mentions of hentai yes u read right, kook leads most of it, cunnilingus, masturbation (f), oral (f), use of a sex toy, fingering, nipple play, face sitting/fucking/riding idk (f), praise kink, hints of dumbification, cum eating, jk is like passive aggressive in this one, 4 (f) orgasms, this is the kicker: sub kook at the end😳, like 2 sec of dom yn lol, & u get 0.002 sec of adams apple kink misc; more dumb story lines, made up sex stores bc my creativity knows no bounds, Jungkook plays nice but is actually mean for the majority of it, once again doyeon plays a pivotal role in the furthering of women empowerment, internal love monologues about jk best boy<3 wc; 8.2k

notes; back when kissanime was offed I remember looking at this fic in the drafts like what the hell we gone do now.. n almost deleting it but I was like yknow what this isn’t a 1kook fic unless there’s smthn weird going on so here we are. also yes I know ohshc is on Netflix shut up!!!!! 

HAPPY BDAY MY LOVE AND MUSE JEON JUNGKOOK !!!! 🥺💜

—

The good thing about getting your own apartment is that you finally have a place to call your own. There’s no limit on how many potted plants you can squeeze into a one bedroom, one bathroom apartment, and if there was one, you’re twelve in and no one has said anything to you yet. You don’t have to share the shower space with anyone, label all your products with a hastily scribbled name. There’s a bathtub—something you haven’t had the pleasure of using during college—and a fairly open living space. There’s so many empty spots to fill with useless decorations and family heirlooms and that ugly plastic rooster Jungkook won you at the summer kick-off fair last month.

The bad thing about having your own place is that the entire world and their mothers seem to know now. Despite graduating from college, you still keep in touch with your trusted graduate mentor Kim Namjoon, who is still very much in school, and has made it his mission to bring you a new plant every week, hence your growing collection. Your childhood friend comes over every Saturday morning to lounge around after her Friday nights out. Jungkook, although the only one who is ever actually invited, runs through your strawberry scented body wash like a madman.

And of course, Doyeon.

Your beloved college roommate of four years, Kim Doyeon, has been the bane of your apartment experience so far. Unlike you, who had slaved away for four years, saving every penny you made during college for this moment, Doyeon was a big spender. She blew every dollar she ever came across, which is why she’s going to be stuck living at her parent’s house for at least a couple more years.

Nothing wrong with that, of course, if she wasn’t the most maniac online shopper in existence. It hadn’t been a problem in college because she was always good old pals with the students who worked the mailroom. If they saw something questionable, they’d let it slide as long as it was under Miss Kim Doyeon, Room 229.

The reason it became an issue for her now is because it’s poor Mrs. Kim who signs over the package from Sexuality Unleashed: The Best Toys Worldwide! one Tuesday afternoon as it is delivered to their suburban home.

So now she’s taken to ordering all her freaky stuff to your new apartment, where the small cabinet by the door has quickly become home to her impulsive shopping habits. Truthfully, you don’t mind accepting Doyeon’s weird packages, and have long since grown used to the uncomfortable looks the mail carrier gives you.

Jungkook’s supposed to come over today and you really hope he doesn’t ask about the state of your hall cabinet. Now that you work at a small company outside of your degree to make ends meet, time with Jungkook has been significantly decreased. You weren’t in college anymore, so you didn’t have the luxury of dropping by his house whenever you wanted to in between classes. Of course, it’s mostly your schedule that conflicts with your planned hangouts, because Jungkook is still working his dream job from home.

However, because Jungkook is quite possibly the most amazing person on this planet, he’s started coming over every Saturday night to make sure you’re still alive and not dying. And so weekly media binges are a thing, and it’s currently week four.

He gave up on showing you the Marvel movie franchise last week, after you had asked where Wonder Woman was three times in a row. Since the Barbie Movie Debacle of last month, you’ve found a nice medium between who picks when. Jungkook picks most of the time, because most of the time you don’t really care. It’s become a running joke between the two of you that movie binges are usually just terribly masked excuses to go to town on each other, so you don’t mind missing an entire 15th Century French Revolution documentary if it means Jungkook is deep in your guts by the time King Louis XIV gets beheaded or whatever they did to him. Is it too obvious you didn’t watch the documentary?

Occasionally, there are instances where one of you genuinely does want to watch something, in which case you have an intense match of rock-paper-scissors to decide who’s picking that night. Most of the time, Jungkook wins. But for every match Jungkook wins, he promises you’ll pick the next one so you’ve long since stopped trying to actually beat him.

Long story short, last weekend you sat through a two part Ancient Aliens episode on the connection between aliens and American presidents.

It was the most god-awful conspiracy theory you’ve ever heard of, but Jungkook ate up every minute of it. By the time the two hosts announced their conclusion you were just about ready to rip your own ears off and single-handedly fist fight every producer on the channel for allowing the production of such an atrocious show.

Anyway, because you had so bravely sat through the entire evening without complaints— well, no complaints towards Jungkook’s terrible taste; the show, however, was not safe from your wicked tongue —Jungkook has so graciously allowed you to pick the media for this weekend.

You’ve been telling him for the longest time that you were going to hook him on anime. It was one of the few interests you always believed Jungkook should possess, being a weeb and all, because it was only fair that he had one questionable trait to balance out the rest of his perfection. Liking anime isn’t bad— if a hottie like you enjoyed it, then it obviously had its perks. However, you know a lot of other people are turned off by anime-enthusiasts due to preconceived notions of the genre and the viewer-base.

Now, it was a widely known fact that you always had ulterior motives. So maybe turning Jungkook into a weeb was just a ploy to turn other women off from him and keep your jealousy at bay. Sue you, your boyfriend was a walking wet dream, and you’d do anything to keep him to yourself.

After long deliberation, you’ve decided on introducing Jungkook to anime with a classic: Ouran High School Host Club, a god among anime, a true Beyonce among shoujos. The only problem was that you absolutely refused to pay Crunchyroll or Funimation when you could so easily find the entire show on KissAnime.com, home to only the finest of hentai ads and Are You a Robot? questions.

He sends you a text when he’s outside your building, and five minutes later there’s a rap against your door.

“Hi,” you smile up at him, heart fluttering in that same trademark way it did whenever Jungkook was within a five foot radius. He smiles back softly, leaning down to peck your lips as you step aside for him to enter. He’s got on those cotton sweats that you love, the ones that send your brain into a censored frenzy. But he’s also got that soft curl to his hair that lets you know he came here straight out of the shower in his hurry to see you. How you managed to bag a dream boyfriend like him was beyond you.

You bask in the overwhelming feeling of unannounced love for all of ten seconds before Jungkook is lifting up a square package you hadn’t seen at his hip. “Mailman gave me this,” he says, waving around the signature bright pink packaging of Sexuality Unleashed. Jungkook, for all his politeness and respect, seemed to falter in those categories when it came to you. He turns the box over, reading the big fat name of the company on the side. “Since when did you start buying sex toys?” he asks rather loudly in the hallway.

You yank him inside, hurriedly slamming the door shut before any of your neighbors can come out into the hallway and get a peek of this avid sex toy consumer. “They’re not mine!” you hiss, standing still when he uses you to balance himself as he tugs off his shoes. You snatch the box out of his hands, turning it around to make sure it is actually addressed to your home. Sure enough, it’s for you. Couldn’t there have been some other sex toy fanatic on this floor?

With his shoes off, Jungkook wastes no time enveloping you in a hug, the Sexuality Unleashed box tumbling to the ground. “It’s okay, baby, no need to be embarrassed.”

You groan, leaning your forehead against his shoulder as he continues to pat your back like you’re actually embarrassed to be caught buying toys— you’re not. You’re embarrassed he caught you with a sex toy you simply can’t put to use. “Whatever,” you sigh, “your gross popcorn is in my bedroom and it’s probably stale.”

He releases you, not before pulling you into a slow and languid kiss that has you clutching tightly at the front of his shirt. He pulls away with a soft smooch, right eye falling into a wink. “Bring the box, gorgeous,” he teases, before sauntering off in the direction of your bedroom.

You groan loudly. “It’s not mine!” you repeat, but for some reason do as he says.

Not only do you have no idea what’s in this package, but you’re frankly not too keen on finding out. You’re more interested in Jungkook’s reaction to one of your favorite animes of all time. The package is tossed onto the end of the bed, where Jungkook has already stripped himself of his socks and cuddled beneath your covers.

Your laptop has gone dark from inactivity so you slam down on the space bar to bring it back to life. Your first mistake was pressing anything at all. It flickers back on alright, but you forget that you are working with a minefield of ads ready to explode. You get a glimpse of the KissAnime screen for a good two seconds before about seven ads pop up. Another tab to a raunchy hentai website opens, and Jungkook groans.

“What the hell is this?” he asks in a tone that screams he has never had to fight viruses off his computer just to watch something at two in the morning.

You ignore him, cuddling into his side as you hurriedly type in the title of the anime before another annoying ad can intercept you. “KissAnime,” you answer for now, accidentally clicking down on the mousepad with the heel of your palm. Another tab opens up to some sketchy credit site. You huff.

“Baby, I swear I just saw like twelve viruses,” he says. “And what even are these?” he scoffs, jabbing a finger at one of the many ads that lines the perimeter of the website. “Animated teacher porn?”

By the grace of god, you somehow manage to get onto the episode selection screen without having another tab open on you. You smile in relief, turning the power of your excitement onto Jungkook… only to find his eyes narrowed in on the square advertisement for some hentai website. “What? You wanna watch hentai now?” you snort, placing the laptop on his legs as you cuddle into his side.

Jungkook sputters, cheeks tinting red at the mere insinuation he would ever consume such media. “No,” he glares, releasing the arm around your shoulders to huffily cross them over his chest. “I am not going to watch anatomically incorrect illustrations of a woman teacher relieving herself, ___,” he says rather matter-of-factly.

You snort, repeating, “a woman teacher,” mockingly and in a high pitched voice that, honestly, doesn't sound anything like him. You click play on the video box that appears after only about twenty more pop-up ads. “Silence, you nymphomaniac, the episode is starting.” Jungkook pulls you close with a displeased expression, finally quieting down when you put it on full screen and the ads disappear from his view.

You’re beginning to wonder if Jungkook really is the script and plot dissector he claims to be, or if he just lives to get under your skin. He doesn’t make it three minutes without finding something to critique. First it’s the quality of the frames, and then it’s the characterization of the lead character. He nitpicks everything about the best anime in existence, and by the end of the first episode you’re considering breaking up with him.

“Oh my god,” you groan, tearing yourself away from him. He’s all laid up against your mountain of pillows, tongue prodding at the insides of his mouth in that ridiculously attractive habit of his. Usually, you’d be tripping over yourself to kiss him, but you’re about two seconds from ripping his head off. “I mean this in the nicest way possible, baby,” you sigh, picking up his hand in yours. “You gotta shut up.”

Jungkook rolls his eyes. “I have to shut up?” he asks in a scandalized tone. “You sang through the entire intro, off tune may I add.”

At this rate you’re getting nowhere, so you just snatch the laptop back up before you actually hurt his feelings. You escape the full screen, met with those hentai ads that are slowly becoming the bane of Jungkook’s existence.

“Who actually watches those anyway?” he mumbles, covering the sidebar full of naked cartoon ladies with his palm for you, a real gentleman if you ever saw one. “Really?” he says, knocking his pointer finger against a particularly raunchy ad with the caption Be a Good Boy and Let her Play beneath it.

You snort. “You are such a baby,” you tease, pinching his cheek much to his annoyance. “What? Can’t handle seeing some anime titties?”

Jungkook shoves your hand away, leaning back to become one with the pillows as you continue onto the next episode. “They’re just weird,” he admits. “And make unrealistic faces.”

“Unrealistic,” you repeat, finally giving one of the ads the time of day. There’s an adorably drawn character making the most perverted expression, knees hiked up to her chest. Her face is twisted up, drooling like a dog and with her eyes crossed in ecstasy. You shrug. “Just because you can’t get those faces out of me doesn’t mean they’re unreal.”

The second the words leave your mouth Jungkook is letting out a scandalized scoff, sitting up to level you with another glare. “First of all, I can get you like that,” he defends, tapping his finger against the ad on screen. “In fact, I can get you like that without even trying, so let’s not say anything too drastic now, okay?”

His sudden bout of defensiveness makes something playful in you switch on, laying back down beside him with a smirk. “Oh, you can make me all stupid like this?”

Jungkook scoffs. “Yes.”

“Uh huh,” you drawl, tracing a finger up his chest teasingly; Jungkook knocks your knuckles away, obviously still butt hurt about your comment. That’s fine, because a slightly riled up Jungkook was always the best Jungkook. You sit up and lean in close, letting your hand slip beneath his hoodie, palm running over his bare shoulder and around the top of his back. You give his nape a light squeeze, lips pressed against the shell of his ear. “Why don’t you prove it to me, Jungkookie?” you purr, before pulling away.

His jaw twitches at the nickname, one shapely brow unconsciously arching as he regards you with a calculative expression.

The thing about Jungkook was that, after almost a year of dating, you know just how to push his buttons. He has a rather calm and collected exterior to him, the same one he’s had since the day you met him, but beneath it all was a childish competitiveness that raged with the heat of ten suns. He disliked being taunted like you were doing now, especially when his credibility was at stake.

Honestly speaking, you don’t doubt Jungkook can make you look as goofy and messy as those hentai ads. In fact you’re rather confident he can. Either way, him being right or you being right, you would still get some fun out of it.

“Hm?” you add, tracing your hand up to dance over the skin of his cheek, pads of your fingers running over that stiff jaw. “Are you scared I’m right and you’re wrong?”

A hand snaps up to catch your wrist, fingers tight around your skin until you’re shivering against him. “Oh baby, I can make you cum until you cry,” he murmurs, his usual sweet and lilting tone dropping to a low vibration that makes your pussy throb beneath your panties. Your heart leaps in your chest, lips falling open when he ducks down to brush them against yours. It’s too light, just a simple touch that makes you follow his mouth when he pulls back.

With one firm shove, the laptop is tumbling off the bed, thudding loudly against your bedside rug. Jungkook leans over you, his usual trademark doe eyes zeroed in on you with the focus of a laser. “Have a little faith in me,” he teases, and when he presses close you can feel his fattening cock flush against your thigh. Your body is begging to be touched, every brush of his fingers against your skin searing trails in their wake.

Suddenly, he’s drawing back. “Kook?” you frown, barely biting down on a childish whimper when he snuggles back into your mountain of pillows, one arm stretched behind his head.

He flashes you a smile. “Go on,” he says, arms behind his head. “Show me how to get you like that.”

“By myself?” you ask, shifting onto your knees anyway. Jungkook nods, a soft jut of his chin as he gives you another one of those easy going smiles of his. His goal seems a little unclear, but you had a ridiculous amount of trust in your boyfriend that whatever he had planned was certain to be good. With one final skeptical glance his way, you sink down onto your bum, knees spreading and giving him a clear view of your little pink boy shorts, elastic band hugging your waist.

The material of your t-shirt is guided away, held to your chest by the hand currently not traversing the length of your stomach, gliding across soft skin, over your belly button and past that band until it slips beneath. You chance another look Jungkook’s way, only to find his eyes wonderfully downcast in the direction of your core. That smile is gone now, replaced with a somber look as he watches your hand move mysteriously beneath the fabric of your undergarments.

The first brush of your forefinger against your swollen button makes you twitch, back arching at the sensation that is magnified by his watchful gaze. “Mmh,” you bite down, hand twisting in the material of your shirt. Jungkook’s eyes glare a molten path across your skin, from the comfy bra that peeks out from beneath your rumpled shirt to the wrist slowly working beneath your panties.

A hand falls over your thigh, tattooed fingers giving the skin a light squeeze as you get to work swirling your bud around. The sight of his inked skin on yours makes something warm blossom in your lower abdomen, your eyes following the inky swirls up, up, up. They lead you to the face of your very handsome boyfriend, long lashes fanning across his cheekbones as he watches you play with yourself. “Wanna take these off for me?” he says, the tip of his pointer finger wiggling beneath the fabric of your shorts.

You nod hurriedly, wiggling around on the bed until you’re on your back, legs bent in front of you. The shorts come down your legs; the simplest press of your thighs makes something quiver in your abdomen. You toss them off to the side, and just as you go to sit back up, Jungkook places a hand on your knee. “Stay like this for me,” he says, sitting up from his mountain of pillows to glance down at you. You melt into the plush mattress beneath you, staring down at him between your legs. He’s got that adoring look in his eyes, the one that makes you feel so warm and in love, it’s only natural your hand slips down to play with your bare clit again. “That’s my girl,” he smiles, rubbing a hand down the outside of your thigh, urging your legs to fall open.

There’s this overflowing vat of arousal that builds up inside of you everytime Jungkook is around, like the moment your eyes land on him you’re reminded of every position he’s ever had you in. You remember the soft brush of his hands on your body, the way his lips feel on yours, the soft tickle of his hair when he gets too close. It makes your heart lurch in your chest, like if you don’t grab onto him tightly this feeling will slip through your fingers and out of your life. So you were crazily in love with your boyfriend— now what?

A puckered set of lips meets the inside of your thigh, the action ripping you from your overly gooey, overly soft inner rambling. Your hand trails down your quivering pussy lips, collecting your dripping wetness as you go. At the same time, Jungkook kisses down the inside of your thigh, soft smacks of his lips against your skin filling the air with an emotion that makes you bite down a whimper. Your hole puckers at the brush of your fingers, anticipating an entrance that you yearn to give into soon.

His mouth is on you before your finger can go deeper than a centimeter in. But Jungkook doesn’t brush your hand off, doesn’t shove you away to prove his mouth was undoubtedly better. He places a kiss over your knuckles, before swallowing up your significantly smaller hand with his, that of which he clasps together over your navel.

You groan, head rolling from side to side. “Don’t be so soft with me,” you whine, leg twitching when he presses a kiss against your engorged bundle of nerves. “Push me around like that one time, you know I like it.”

Jungkook grins, mouthing over your clit with practiced ease that has you releasing all kinds of whimpers and sighs. He’s got his other hand wrapped around your thigh, strong arm pulling you closer to that devious mouth and tongue that lavished attention on your clit. “Need me to be mean to you, baby?” he purrs, curling his tongue in such a way that it makes your entire body tense up, muscles pulled tight. “Want me to push you around like the stupid little girl you are?” You moan, head bobbing up and down at the ideas he stuffs in your mind. As he moves down the length of your cunt, that round nose you love brushes against your bud, and the cheeky shit takes an obnoxiously loud sniff of it, a soft groan breathed against your lower lips. “But isn’t this better?” he hums, languidly molding his lips against your lower ones, much in the same way he does with the ones on your face; he moves slowly, slips his tongue in every few seconds before eventually diving in head on. “Slow... and so easy.”

“Kook,” you mewl, getting this overwhelming urge to cover your face with your hands. But you can’t, because he’s knotted one hand with yours and his fingers only tighten when you try to yank them apart. Instead you’re left pressing one knuckle against your mouth, brows pinching as he begins slowly fucking his tongue into your cunt. “F-Faster,” you beg. He, of course, ignores your plea.

The wet mass moves past the clenched muscles around your hole, nose brushing against your lips with every intrusion. Every few cycles he stops to press a kiss against your pussy, so hard and wet that it hurts when he pulls off. You’re left writhing and moaning, your heel knocking against his shoulder when he pushes your leg up closer to your chest. “It’s enough,” you cry, your entire body shivering.

Jungkook pulls off with a loud pop, lips glistening with your arousal. He’s got this glint on his eyes, like he’s thoroughly entertained by your reactions. He shuffles around to get comfortable, finally releasing that grip on your hand. Immediately, your newly freed hand jumps forward to tangle in the hair above his ear, tracing down the delicate curve of his cheekbone. Jungkook turns his head, pressing a soft peck against your open palm that makes your heartbeat thunder in your ears.

As he moves around, his leg bumps against something that has both of you pausing. It sounds out of place next to your shallow breaths, and both of you glance down only to catch sight of that stupid package from Sexuality Unleashed teetering on the edge of the bed.

The moment you see it, it’s like you’re transported into an omnipresent view of the scene, the next few hours flashing before your eyes as Jungkook snorts. You know he’s going to reach for it in two seconds, and you know he’s going to tear the hot pink packaging apart with his bare hands. He does so with a scary amount of power, the industrial tape not standing a chance against him. A box roughly the same size as the package falls out, and before you can kick it away and save yourself from suffering beneath Jungkook’s teasing antics, he’s snatching up the box.

“The Bullet Bestie,” he reads aloud, dark eyes flying across the text with lightning speed before that box is also being ripped open. (Briefly, there’s a voice in your head that thinks of Doyeon, but you’re not sure why.) Out tumbles a little pink bullet with a strap on one end that bounces against your thigh and an even smaller remote.

“Baby,” you rush out, the sight of the tiny toy making your heart thunder in your chest. “We can look at it another time,” you try, hands coming up to brush against his face again. “Why don’t you finish off here?” you ask, a sickeningly sweet politeness dripping off your tongue as the knot in your tummy fades into the background of his attention.

Jungkook ignores you, picking up the remote with a wondrous look in his eyes. Before you can try to persuade him back between your legs, a quiet click cuts you off and the little bullet whirls to life. You yelp at the sudden vibrations against the inside of your thigh, so close to your throbbing core. The jump of your thighs has it falling onto the mattress below you, wide eyes snapping back to the smirk that grows on his face.

“No,” you say slowly, sitting back up, “no, no,” you try, your usual assertiveness melting into a whiny cry as you try to wiggle away from him and the nefarious ideas infesting his lust-addled mind. You’re barely turning, ready to make a run for it and hand him his victory by forfeit, when Jungkook is catching you by the waist. Your hips get pulled up, arms clawing uselessly at the sheets beneath you as he drags you close to him. He’s fast, already having moved onto his knees behind you, and when he yanks you up, you can feel every hot plane of his body aligned with your backside. “Kook, please just make me cum,” you gasp.

There’s a smile pressed against your shoulder, lips still wet from before, kissing along the side of your neck. “Look at my girl,” he murmurs, and you nearly jump out of your skin when something smooth is traced along your thigh. One hand slips beneath the material of your shirt, soothingly rubbing circled against your skin. This hand also holds the tiny remote between two fingers, and every nerve in your body is on edge waiting for it to be used. “Where’s that smartmouth now?”

“Jungkook,” you try to warn. But there’s no bite to your words, only an anticipation that grows the closer he moves that damned toy between your thighs. “Baby, we-we can play another time, okay? Just please—“

A soft click, and suddenly your spine is giving out on you, upper body flopping forward as Jungkook runs the vibrations over your clit. Of course Jungkook follows, never letting you slip far from his reach. A loud moan spills from your lips, lower lip wobbling at the unreal amounts of pleasure he bestows upon you with such a small toy. “W-Wait,” you sob, the coil from before suddenly magnified tenfold. It makes your orgasm loom over you bigger than ever, a wave that threatens to spill over and drown you in one go. “No-please.”

His mouth presses against your ear, hot breaths fanning against the skin there. “Hey pretty girl, does it feel good?” he husks out, kissing just below your ear. “Aw fuck,” he groans, something stiff pressing against the cleft between your cheeks, “can’t even see if you’re making that stupid face right now.”

You are, but you don’t even have the words to tell him that. The moment the vibrator had made contact with your already ravished clit, your eyes had rolled into the back of your head. You don’t doubt you look like those silly ads you’d laughed at earlier, mouth opening and closing every few seconds as he circles the toy around your bud. You settle on a high-pitched whimper that has Jungkook laughing meanly against your ear.

It ends too soon, the stimulation from Jungkook eating you out for a few minutes combining with the bullet to form a powerful duo that swallows you whole. An embarrassingly loud moan rips itself from your throat, hands twisting in the sheets beneath you as it washes over you. It’s so powerful, it blinds you, pussy spasming. Jungkook’s name is repeated about a thousand times in between, your body eventually melting back into the mattress as the final shocks run through you.

The vibrator clicks off just as quietly as it turned on, your harsh breaths filling the room in its place. “Good girl,” Jungkook praises, raining down a parade of kisses against your shoulder. You mewl in appreciation, still awkwardly shoving your face into the mattress, and your hips in the air. From the corner of your eyes, you watch him set the glistening toy off to the side, and you’re just about ready to thank the heavens for such an experience with your boyfriend, when said boyfriend hits you with a curveball.

The gentle pecks against yours shoulder dissolve into harsh kisses, rough hands trailing up your waist. The t-shirt gathers around his knuckles, pushed and pushed until he’s got those same hands cupping your breasts. “Did you like that?” he asks, biting down against your shoulder; the sensation is dulled by your shirt being in the way but it still makes you whine. You moan softly, nodding against the mattress as he gets to kneading your breasts over your bra. “Mm,” Jungkook sighs, “my pretty girl was so good for me, wasn’t she?”

Those deft fingers run back down, crawl beneath the elastic of your lounge bra and push it away until your breasts are bouncing out of their cage. “Kook,” you sigh, eyes fluttering shut as he traces circles around your nipples. “W-Wait,” you whimper, suddenly reminded of the swollen cock pressed against your backside when he leans closer.

“Shhh,” he soothes, tweaking your nipples. “Relax for me, sweetheart,” he coos, flicking your hardened nipples with his fingers. You can’t relax, not with your body still so sensitive and him playing with you. Still, the low intonation makes something soft and warm settle in your chest, the kisses against your jaw making your eyes fall shut. “That’s it,” he says, giving one nipple a playful twist that draws a high-pitched moan from you.

Just as you’re beginning to fall into the rhythm of Jungkook’s caresses and voice, he releases one breast to traverse his hand down and over your tummy, to your sensitive pussy. You gasp, biting down on your lip as he teasingly flicks your clit with his fingers. “Bet you could come again now,” he murmurs, taking the tip of your earlobe into his mouth and nibbling softly. You groan, shoving your face into the sheets as if that will save you from your doom. “Bet your pretty little pussy can cream itself just like this, isn’t that right, sweet girl?”

You whimper, hips bucking back against him when he begins nudging your bud, lewd sounds reaching your ears. His other hand remains on your breast, no longer toying with your nipple but simply holding it almost comfortingly. There’s a smirk pressed against your skin, that pearly white smile you usually adore so much teasing you as he circles your nub.

“Come on,” he encourages quietly, kissing up the column of your neck again. You moan, thighs quivering as he strokes a second orgasm out of you with no struggle. Your eyes and throat burn at the heat that washes over you, and you release a hoarse scream into the mattress— Jungkook chuckles at the sound, egging you on with that low voice until your muscles go limp a second time.

When he rolls you onto your stomach again, you try desperately to cover the tears that blur your vision, turning away from him like a child when he tries to look. “Crybaby, crybaby,” he sings teasingly, prying your hands away to capture your mouth with his for the first time that night. “Lemme see those tears, baby,” he purrs.

He tastes like you, tongue dripping with that sweet tang of your pussy, and he smells like you too. It strokes the flames of you ego, arms eventually wrapping around his shoulders as he settles above you. He pulls off with a curl of his tongue against your swollen lips, brown eyes lazily staring down at you. It’s embarrassing how well kept he still was compared to your half-nude state of dress. His skin is all glowy and pretty, not a single tear track in sight, and his grin is still too relaxed for your liking.

Jungkook’s body feels so warm and comforting against yours, muscles keeping the heat trapped between your bodies. You go to brush a hand through his hair, needing to feel the familiarity of those silky locks, before he’s suddenly leaning away. He shuffles onto his knees again, glancing down at your thoroughly abused cunt with a quirk in his brows.

“God,” you groan, knocking your foot against his side. “Just fuck me already,” you huff despite your earlier fatigue. You could only go so long without feeling Jungkook’s fat demon cock inside of you.

He snorts at your snappy tone, cutely tilting his head to the side to move his hair out of his face. His jaw looks sharp from this angle, facial features covered in shadows the lamplight behind him can’t touch. “Can’t,” he announces, and you could pull your hair out from all this unnecessary build up.

Truth to be told, you and Jungkook were both equally as unrestrained when it came to each other. Most of the time, the lead up to actual, penetrative, key-in-lock sex included a couple minutes of heavy petting from his end, and maybe a half assed handjob from you. Sometimes if you felt extra attentive, he’d eat you out and you'd him off. But for the most part, the two of you jumped straight into it after an orgasm, like horny teenagers despite the two of you being twenty-three now.

The most adventurous you’d ever gotten up until the point was maybe two orgasms bestowed upon you by a crazed Jungkook. And, well. You had hit two orgasms now. You were ready for his monster cock.

“Kook,” you whine childishly.

Jungkook shakes you off, placing a palm on both your knees. Slowly, he spreads your thighs apart again, eyes zeroed in on the glossy folds that come into view, the sparkling pearly cum that leaks out of your hole. “I can’t, baby,” he says, almost pained. “I gotta clean you up first,” he insists, and before you can tell him how counterproductive it is to lick you clean of your arousal before fucking you, he’s diving face first into your cunt.

But the biggest surprise doesn’t come from Jungkook going in for thirds, but from the hands he clasps around your thighs, the sheer strength he uses to roll you over (ignoring the shriek you let out) to sit you on his face. “No, no,” you yelp immediately, “I-I‘ll break you,” you cry, trying to escape from his hold.

From beneath your thighs, dark eyes peering up at you daringly, you can see the clear warning on Jungkook’s face. It’s a look that loudly says don’t you dare fucking move, shapely brows sending a jolt of genuine fear down your spine for a moment. “Jungkook,” you fret, trying to ignore the arousal that only continues to blossom as his tongue laps against your folds for the second time that night. “I’m, I’m,” you stammer, hands burying themselves in his hair as he ignores your cries. “I’ll break you,” you try again, spine arching when he slurps your clit into his mouth. “I-I’ll—“

He pulls off with a pop. “Fuck my face, baby,” he says, as if he hadn’t heard a single of your concerns at all. His nose nudges against your clit, a whimper catching in your throat. Briefly, his hand disappears from around your thigh, and when it returns, that tiny bullet vibrator from earlier is pressed against your thigh. “You got that?”

You nod, internally torn apart by your fear of crushing him and your need to drag your cunt all over your boyfriend’s handsome face. You glance down at him, watch him slip that vibrator into his mouth for just a second and lewdly coat it in his saliva, before he’s reaching around to shove it past your pussy lips. They’re still swollen and puffy, but have long since relaxed enough for him to slip it in. “B-But what if—“

“You won’t,” he cuts off, readjusting himself closer to your cunt again, “come on, pretty girl.”

The reason you think you and Jungkook click so well was because he was able to bring that vulnerable side out of you every now and then. He knew you liked to parade around with that huge superiority complex, and he loved it. But he also knew there were things you liked and disliked, and sometimes it took a little pushing for you to reveal them.

For a second, that horny cloud over his irises lifts, and he gives you one of those cute, sloppy winks as he taps your thigh gently. “Fuck my face, sweetheart,” he whispers, “drag that pretty cunt all over me until I can’t breathe.” A gasp catches in your throat, hands unconsciously curling against his scalp. He notices, and flashes you a lazy smirk. “You can do that, can’t you?”

Something akin to adoration blooms in your chest, and before you can blurt out something embarrassing—like I love you��there’s a soft click that has The Bullet Bestie revving up inside of you. You gasp, the sudden vibrations deep inside your pussy making your hips snap forward, clit rubbing against Jungkook’s nose.

“O-Oh,” you cry, and that’s all it takes for you to lose it. Your hips start off slow, at first just savoring the wet drag of his tongue against your lips, his nose against your clit. He sticks his tongue out for you, and part of you wants to tell him he’s a good boy, that corny hentai ad flashing in your mind, but you doubt you’ll survive the aftermath of that. Once you find that perfect pace, your hands are practically yanking at his hair, pushing him further into the mattress as you ride his face like he’s nothing but a toy. “Kook, Jungkook,” you pant, grinding your lower lips against his all too eager mouth.

It feels oddly weird being over him like this, using him like this. You like to think you and Jungkook have equal power in the bedroom, but you will admit that more often than not, he assumes control by default. You’re not particularly bothered by that, because you doubt you’d ever come up with the crazy ideas Jungkook did when he was horny (okay, a lie, because you definitely have thought of crazy sex schemes before).

But, this moment…

The power was quickly going to your head. “Fuck,” you sob, roughly dragging the length of your pussy over and over his face. The hands around your thighs are pressing against your skin with a strength that would hurt were you not blinded by arousal. His eyes are shut, lids fluttering open every now and then as he watches you buck wildly over his face like he was a pillow in high school and your parents were gone for the weekend.

It doesn’t help that the rhythmic pulses of the vibrator inside of you are doing their job well, the tongue that slips into your pussy joining together to form a powerful combination. It’s ultimately what has you halting your manic thrusts, instead falling into a slow grind over him. Your hips circle, eyes squeezed shut as you lose yourself in the lapping of his tongue against your dripping hole. “Mmmf,” you mewl, biting down on your lower lip as the wet muscle prods against a delicate spot within you. You hear feels light, view of the gorgeous man beneath you obstructed by the eyelids that can't seem to stay open. “N-No,” you cry, pulling his hair more roughly than you intended to in order to redirect him. “There, there,” you whimper, holding him tight against your pussy.

Beneath you, Jungkook exhales harshly against your lips, hands moving frantically over your thighs as he works his tongue inside of you alongside the bullet vibrator. If you weren’t so caught up in your own pleasure, all kinds of sounds spilling from your lips, you would have heard the quiet moans that fall from his. Alas.

It takes a few more pulses from the toy and a few more licks from Jungkook until you’re coming for the third time that night, features twisting up as your pussy clenches around his tongue before spilling down his mouth. Your back arches, a defeated moan escaping you as you release the same mess he’d claimed to clean up onto his lovely face. You can barely breathe afterwards, mouth dry and head dizzy when Jungkook finally pops back out from between your thighs. You barely have enough time to lift yourself up, pussy lightly brushing across his Adam’s apple as you stop yourself from crushing his windpipe. It makes you twitch.

“Good girl,” Jungkook praises with a cheeky smile that distracts you from the bullet toy he retrieves from your quivering cunt. His face is absolutely glistening from your arousal, skin warm and flush. He’s looking up at you like you’re some mythical goddess and he’s but a humble villager coming to pay his respects at the temple that is your body. Fuck, were you okay? You don’t think you’ve ever felt this good in your entire life, and Jungkook’s mushy gaze was doing things to your heart.

He presses a kiss against the inside of your thigh before helping you off of him, laughing meanly when you flop limply down beside him. He’s still fully clothed, a fact that irks you when he leans over to kiss you with that glossy face of his. “D’you like it?” he mumbles, kissing softly down your face. You nod, legs twitching from the aftermath of that wild ride. “I saw it, y’know,” he says suddenly.

“Saw what?” you mumble, mindlessly rolling your head to the side and exposing more skin when he begins kissing along your neck.

Jungkook says nothing, just rolls over you. Part of you thinks he’s crazy, but you’re suddenly hit with the realization that while Jungkook’s drawn three orgasms out of you in the course of an hour, you hadn’t done anything for him. Before you can dive head first into swallowing his cock, he’s kissing you softly. “That stupid face,” he smirks, slotting his mouth against yours. “That weird, now realistic face,” he tacks on.

You huff out a laugh, throwing your leg around his waist comfortably. Jungkook smiles, kisses you one last time before settling in your arms, face cutely pressed in between your boobs. “Hey,” you call, “don't you wanna cum too?”

He shakes his head, a soft sigh filling the air. “Nah,” he says, cuddles closer into you. “Rest now, baby.”

You roll your eyes. “I can feel your dick against my thigh,” you point out, wiggling your pelvis upward to brush against his throbbing erection. Jungkook holds you down in an effort to stop you. “Fuck me.”

He groans against your collarbone. “No, you’re tired,” he tries to convince you, but his skin is warm and flushed in the way it always gets when he’s riled up. “Sleep.”

With the leg around his hip, you pull him closer. “Fuck me, Jungkookie,” you purr, using the hands in his hair to turn his face up towards yours. His dark eyes are drawn down cutely, pouty lips too. “Use my body,” you suggest, “I’m yours anyway.”

His eyes flutter shut, a quiet whimper falling from his lips. “Don’t say that,” he sighs, “makes me wanna do very mean things to you.”

You smile. “You can do whatever you want to me, don’t you know that?” Another groan, his head falling forward until he’s hiding in your neck. Still, there’s movement from below, he sweats slipping down at his hips until that throbbing cock is pressed into the tiny crease where your thigh meets your pelvis. There’s a moment of hesitation, and you wonder if this is what he felt like earlier when he’d managed to get you to sit on his face. “Inside, Jungkookie,” you murmur, reaching down to line him up with your sensitive entrance. He whines softly, arms wrapping around you as he pulls you close. “Good boy.”

Despite your earlier belief that you’d never survive an encounter with Jungkook after using such a term on him, the result is much different from what you had anticipated. He visibly melts into your arms, cock slipping past your folds easily. “No,” he says, his voice feathery and whiny against your ear. “I can’t.”

You soothe a hand down his back, eyes fluttering shut as he begins slowly rutting against your swollen lips. “That’s it,” you encourage, tugging softly at his wavy hair. Jungkook moans wantonly against your neck, rolling his hips harshly against you until his arms are the only things keeping you from jostling out of his hold. “Do you like this pussy?” you ask, purposefully clenching around him, tummy tightening at the stimulation you keep packing on.

Jungkook shudders, pace growing slipping inside of you. “Yes,” he pants, “s-so wet… creamy.”

“Yeah?” you huff, pressing a smiley kiss against his forehead. “It’s yours.”

“Ffffuck,” Jungkook chokes, picking up his pace as his well-deserved orgasm reaches its peak. He’s breathing harshly now, and it’s taking everything in you to keep your pussy tight around him. But after the night he’d given you, the sounds and faces he pulled from you, it’s the least you can do. Besides, your body, after being so thoroughly pleased, still rears up for one final orgasm with him. “Mine,” he growls, bucking his hips into you. “You’re mine, baby, mine,” he seethes, ending his little tryst with a piston of his hips that makes you gasp, body almost unconsciously spasming around him. It’s painful, but so, so delicious how he manages to pull this last orgasm from you as he finally busts inside of you.

He comes with a stuttering garble of words, none of which you catch as he collapses into your hold for the final time that night. “Fuck,” he pants afterwards, leaning into your touch when he finally registers the soft combing of fingers through his hair. “That was evil.”

You laugh, pulling him closer. “As evil as you making me suffer through three orgasms before putting your dick in me?” you tease. Jungkook slips out of you, and you know it’ll be a hassle to clean your sheets tomorrow but it’s worth it.

“It’s called building the scene,” he weakly defends, blindly tugging the puffy blanket over the two of you. “I was gonna rhyme it with that horrible website you made me use but I already forgot it’s name.”

“Rude,” you snap, “it’s called KissAnime.”

“And fore-play,” he suddenly says, and you almost yank his eyeballs out of their sockets for doing that stupid thing again.

—

epilogue 

Two weeks later, your favorite website and home to hentai ads is shut down after years of piracy. Jungkook laughs at your demise, sits and actually cackles at your heartbreak, until he eventually comforts you with his flaming demon cock and a subscription to both Crunchyroll and Funimation. Doyeon spends weeks tracking down a missing package, apparently some freebie she’d gotten for being such an avid customer on Sexuality Unleashed: The Best Toys Worldwide! before eventually finding it in your drawer. And because her and Jungkook have some awkward life-long rivalry for your attention, he doesn’t pay for that. 

—

Copyright © 2020, 1kook on tumblr. absolutely NO reposts allowed.

[border-spam]

(Featuring @godkingsanointed ‘s amazing OC JK)

  Mid COV

   “There’s a H… there." 

Seifa tapped a black nail into the paper Jak-Knife was staring at so intently their mask’s front grill brushed against the page. They let out a rumbling groan, slowly shaking their head side to side as she reassuringly patted their hand, leaning pressed against the length of their back so she could peer down at the scrawled letter splayed on the table in front of them.

"A H? Why??” they whined, cupping the sides of their head in calloused hands with a dejected sigh. Words were stupid.

It had been a long day for both of them.

Sei had only just made it to her ship after a night of red tape and managing delays in her office below. Tyreen’s Saints had incredible skill in somehow making sure their daily business ended up impacting Troy’s in some way. Missing shipments, deadlines shifted far shorter than possible with no warning, the usual shit. She’d sat for hours after her shift, gritting her teeth while pouring through their condescending e-coms, pausing every now and then to distract herself from the frustration by catching flashes of today’s arena stream.

The Blight Devil had ripped through raiders on the flickering office screen as her papers shuffled. Heretics who’d led an assault on a protected settlement and refused to repent now faced the Holy Father’s executioner, a fitting end to parasites sucking lifeblood from the isolated villages the COV kept in food and medical supplies.

She’d found them after the fight as she left her office that night, leaning silently against the elevator gate in the lower workshop that lead to her ship docked above the Mechanicum. Head bowed and tilted to the side, ankles crossed and arms folded across their chest. They were spotless as usual, arena blood expertly removed from their skin, but the weight of the fight was visible on their frame - tired and quiet.

They’d perked out of their doze as she approached, and lifted a bag filled with something hot and spicy from the Slums as a greeting. JK was always like this. They had as much an open invitation to her home as the others, but while she’d retire some nights and find Ven and Eli already smiling cheekily from her kitchen table and expecting dinner to appear now that she’d gotten home, or Troy curled up asleep in the same tiny wall cot that she’d told him was his years ago, JK never entered without her.

Always waited by the elevator with offering in hand, a gift of food or beer like an olive branch. Habit, she figured. Something from a life of survival in Pandora’s roaming clans she’d maybe never understand, but she could appreciate even though she reassured them it wasn’t needed every single time.

She could tell they were struggling to keep going now still, heavy muscle shifting under her ribs as they groaned at the letter covered in smudged ink between their elbows on the kitchen table, muttering about the rogue “H” through their mask’s respirator.

Words made no damn sense, even less when they were marked down in writing.

 Bandit cant had always served JK well, icons, symbols, communication scratched into rocks and dirt and corpses with the tips of jagged blades. Writing was pointless, they’d been told that for as long as they could remember. Adults in their clan had mocked newcomers to Pandora, said their big words and fancy letters were just to hide behind. A mask without a mask, so they could pretend they were better, stronger than the salt and blood of the earth that crawled across the planet’s dusty wastes in scavenging mobs.

You didn’t need to write or read when your family could respond like a singular pack unit to bird whistles or rhythmic pounding on dry rock. Learning would be a waste of time and resources better used to serve the marauding horde.

This H was a waste. The flimsy, golden pen clutched in their calloused fist was a waste, a symbol of wealth, education, of weakness on Pandora. If it hadn’t been a gift, they’d…

“Because without the H it says tanks. Like, war-machines, you know?” Seifa laughed, pushing against them to her feet and shooting a deadeye finger gun at their chest with a silent pow as she back stepped to her side of the table.

“But gotta say, that looks like a love letter, JK” she grinned, lowering herself into her seat with an ungraceful thump.

“..She a fan of tanks?”

They huffed quietly, refusing to meet the shit-eating grin they knew she was aiming at them as she shuffled the papers in front of her and leaned back into her chair with a creak of wood.

“She likes tanks, yeah. She.. likes all weapons. All machines. Makes ‘em, fixes 'em..” they murmured as Seifa clicked her tongue in response, wolf whistling.

“Sounds like my kind of woman.”

“She’s… my kind of woman.” Jk replied through a crackling laugh, scratching the pen against the paper with practiced concentration. “She should have nice things like.. letters. She should have poems, songs.. chants… and thank you.” they looked up, catching Sei’s inquisitive gaze “Thank you for helping me.” She followed their hand, gesturing towards the paper with a blunt finger.

Sei laughed, smoothing loose hair back over her shoulder. “Don’t thank me, pal. I think if anything, I’m using you as a distraction..” she sighed, expression turning somber as she dropped the stack of papers to the table in front of her, grimacing. 

“This jank is terrible.”

“Words?” they offered, lenses catching the light as their eyes followed her when she stood. 

“Nah JK, numbers” she scoffed, rolling sore shoulders as she stepped towards the kitchen counter to their side. “WAY worse. Listen, want to try something gross?” the chair struggling to support their bulk squeaked behind her as JK turned to face the cupboard she was rooting through. “I got this new coffee..-somewhere.. where is..- Ahh!”

“I like coffee, sure!” they chuckled with a nod, thumping their fist onto the little table the pair had been sharing in her ship’s kitchen

“This coffee though - ” she corrected smugly “This coffee has been shit out of some horrible little monkey thing on Eden-2” she smirked, stifling a giggle in response to the barking guffaw that erupted behind her.

“WHAT” they yelled through the muffle of the mask’s filters, deep voice cracking in amusement.

Sei turned, waving the foil bag towards them playfully as she leaned back against the counter.

“I’m not joking, gift from an ore dealer me and Ven had to sweet talk into very generous trade agreements on Astrensis a month ago. I don’t know if he was trying to impress me or what, but this is basically worth its weight in platinum and it’s-”

“ - It’s shit juice!” JK gasped between rolling belly laughs.

“It’s fuckin’ shit juice pal, you’re not wrong!” she chuckled, smile wrinkling across her nose as she flipped the coffee maker’s switch, grinning softly as the clunky hiss of the machine filled the little kitchen quarters.

Jk sighed happily behind her, twisting to stare at their paper again. “Rich people are so wrong. They don’t belong, not here, waste everything. Just walking sacks of ego thinking their paper money will stop this place taking its due from 'em”. They grunted thoughtfully, then continued in a quieter tone.

“I thought you were a rich person when we first met, another off-worlder.”

Seifa turned, wide-eyed in surprise at the comment.

JK was someone she’d known for years now, but even with so many hours of quiet time together in this ship, a quiet hiding hole away from the Holy City’s heaving bustle and fame both their titles reluctantly carried, even after all this time, they rarely spoke of their own feelings in this manner. JK’s thoughts were something they held deep in their chest, opinion’s they’d share, advice they’d willingly give, but their thoughts? She wanted to hear more, it was an unusual glimpse into an incredibly interesting mind.

“You thought I was rich?” she balked, pointing towards her chest. “How? You seen the way I live?”

Their head tilted, turning slowly to glance around the cabin. Clean, homely. Plants and textiles covering cracked wall panels… repaired and well-maintained kitchenware, the coffee machine behind her newer than nearly anything else surrounding it. They shifted, looking down at the polished and well loved table, the stains and scratches buffed but still visible in the finish. Years of love and use.

They made a noise somewhere between a grunt and a laugh, tilting their head slowly to the side. “Not about what you own, Seifa. It was how you carry yourself. You’re the only person in the room till you don’t want to be, then you were never there at all. Eyes miss you.” they rumble.

“Don’t belong here. Don’t belong out there either, in the city. Covered in gold, thought you were like the others. You aren’t though.” JK hums, shifting their eyes to the scrapped together coffee machine behind her.

“..You’re like him.”

She’d laugh if that wasn’t such an insult, rolling her eyes and huffing a chuckle into her fist.

“Thanks. What a compliment.” she groaned, flashing a quick grin before lifting a finger to scratch at her jaw thoughtfully. "… I’m not rich though I fleece the twins for all they are worth, sure, but that’s just good business.“ the homemade machine behind her whistled quietly as she paused, breathing deep the acrid aroma of roasted coffee wafting through the room.

"My clan might not be called that, but it’s still what they are. We’ve a creed of support. One of us does well for themselves? Strikes it rich? Lucks a factor as much as skill. There’s 10 bad deals for every good one.. some get a real bad streak, JK.” they nodded, understand her meaning if not her experiences.

“There were times before the twins where I needed help from family, care packages and donations to keep my ship running and fuel tanks full, now I repay that debt with what I earn here, spread the wealth to others who struggle now like I did then.” Seifa shrugged, uncomfortable in sounding anything close to generous regardless of the truth. “ It’s our creed, like I said. Family first.”

Jk grunted, nodding to themself as they stared at the table in front of them, the scrunched letter in shaky lines.

“Family first..” they echoed, not quite to themself, and not quite to her either.

Family.

They let their eyes rest on the pen gripped in their hand, tilting it slowly. The solid gold barrel reflecting light the same way the gilded fangs in his crooked grin had as he pressed the box into their open palm. Troy had been so happy when he handed them the case, blushing and shifting his weight from foot to foot as he waited for them to open it. They’d not known what to do with the contents, looking back and forth between the solid gold pen and him awkwardly. Waiting for him to explain how they should react, anxiously hoping he’d guide them as always.

He’d laughed, plucking it from the case and pointing at the name etched into the bodywork.

“It’s for you, see, it’s your name like we p-practiced. J.a.k-.k.n.i.f.e, see it?” his hand had been trembling with excitement, cheeks flushed and smile squinting his eyes as he loomed over them, pressed close enough to hear his ragged breaths.

“Now when you write you’ll know I got your b-back, yeah? I’ve got your back, understand? 'Cus you’ll know that I know you can do it, and I’ll keep teaching you.”

They hadn’t known what to say, the words that felt right were choking in their throat. They knew Troy often compared himself cruelly to them, would emasculate himself by placing aspects of who they were on a pedestal then berate himself for not reaching. It was hard to communicate their awareness of it with him. He was so easily hurt by his weaknesses being recognised, it was easier to pretend they didn’t notice and insist on complimenting him when they spotted him sinking under his own detrimental thoughts. Lift him up when they saw him flag.

But this, writing? Reading? Troy was excellent at this. It was something he could help them with, and as soon as he’d realised they could do neither, he’d jumped on the opportunity to teach them. They understood it was a repayment of his own volition, even if they couldn’t understand why God King Calypso would feel like he’d owed them in any way. They were his guard. They shielded him. They didn’t need to be thanked, you don’t need to thank a brother…

Seifa waited for as silence fell between them, giving JK the chance to continue, but they said nothing, nodding almost imperceptibly as they continued to stare at the pen.

They got lost sometimes in the depths under that mask, but the people close to them understood, and it was easy enough to bring JK back into the current. Wait a moment, give them a chance to snap back, then pull them back into the conversation.

She cleared her throat to break the quiet.

“So, is this lady rich then? If she likes poems and songs… and weapons?”

It snapped them out of their daze immediately, turning snake quick to glare through the mismatched lenses at her instead.

“She… she has money yes, she works hard. Very hard. I don’t know if she even would like a poem. It’s just something.. I see sometimes on the echonet, those movies Troy watches.”

“You give poems to great women, don’t you…?” their voice caught on a question towards the end, something they weren’t wording but clearly needed an answer for.

Sei stepped towards them, reaching out to lay a hand on their shoulder as she carefully arranged the words that felt most right for them.

“Maybe..” she started tentatively, leaning down a little to meet their eyes through the mask’s glass. “..if that’s what she wants, sure. But it sounds like this woman doesn’t need fancy things, JK. Sounds like she’s plenty good at seeing the truth of what things are, huh?”

They nodded emphatically, the quiet choking sounds from under their mask emphasising their eagerness to agree.

“Thought so” Sei grinned cheekily. “Why not write how you see her then, huh? No poems, just the truth of how things are.” They rumbled as she patted their shoulder, turning back to the small kitchen to prepare their drinks.

She smiled triumphantly to herself as the welcoming sound of the pouring coffee mixed with the scratching of their pen behind her, before it was interrupted by a stern grunt.

“Seifa, how do you spell refuge?”

[askthetotallynotcampcamp]

jaspvid for the s o u l

michael: oak aye

————

Jasper: *first day working at the camp 😳😳* *vIbES near the entrance lmao*

David: GOOOOOOD MORNING JASPER! READY FOR YOUR FIRST DAY?

Jasper: Totally!! Is the camp still the same as when we were younger?

David: yup! Obviously different kids, they can get crazy so be prepared!

Jasper: Oh jeez, okay.

The b u s: *i am alive*

David: ah! They're here, oh you're gonna love them Jas!

Max: *walks off the bus* who the hell is that?!

Nerris: yeah I've never seen him before! Hello sir I dont know!

David: well kids, this is your new counselor, Jasper!

Jasper: Hi kids-! I hope I can make your summer great!!

Neil: *😒😒*

Harrison: Oh cool! A new person to show my magic to!

Space kid: howdy do Jasper!

Max: okay just another person to make fun of!

-all the kids are in the mess haul now-

David: I told you to be prepared! Dont let max get to you, hes always like that

Jasper: he’s just a little, uh, insulting. kinda rude, I can handle it though! Don’t worry about it

David: alrighty!

-time skip bc I'm lazy-

David: *getting ready for sleep time* do do dooooo

Jasper: ughhh, I do not understand how you deal with those kids all day *😔*

David: I've gotten used to them, maxes words hurt sometimes but I'm fine with it. And you dont have to work here ya know, if it isnt fun for you

Jasper: I wanna work here because I miss being with you all the time, homeslice- I’ll get used to it eventually

David: awe that's sweet, but you can always tell me if you want to leave because this place can stress you out! Now you, should get some sleep mister

Jasper: *😳😳😳* ah yeah, you too homie *bed time bro*

David: goodnighttttt!

Jasper: goodnight-

Time: smellbert day time

The camp: i am going to burn down

David: OH GOSH THE CAMP!

-after they fix the camp bc I'm lazy and tired-

David: *collapses against a tree* now that, that was a workout

Jasper: *collapses nexts to mr tree* is that how it’s like everyday?

Neil: *a p p r o a c h e s*

David: yeah basically *jumps up* hello Neil!

Neil: Hey can I show you something I’ve been working on? *is neil*

David: ah yes of course! *grabs Jaspers hand and walks over*

Jasper: *😳😳😳😳*

Neil: Okay, so, this is my science stuff, and this right here is a calculator

David: very...interesting! Right Jasper!

Jasper: I like the uh, bottles?

Neil: The test tubes?

David: *tries not to laugh*

Jasper: I mean- I guess? I don’t know, I never did science

Neil: Literally everyone knows what a test tube is-!

David: oh come on Neil cut him some slack, hes not all about science

Neil: david, literally everyone knows what a test tube is!

David: well Jasper isnt everyone! Keep up the good work! *walks back to the cabin*

Jasper: *taps david’s shoulder 😗✌️* hey hey hey, quick question

David: hm? *turns around* yeah Jasper?

Jasper: Can I talk to you alone for a hot sec

David: yeah of course! What's up buddy pal

Jasper: uh, so, since I was a kid i thought you were super cool-?

David: wow really?! Youre really.. what's the word you use..radical!

Jasper: Wow thanks! Anyway, I was thinking and like- I like you??

David: well duh, we're best friends!

Jasper: yeah, but, like-like you homie

David: *very red* oh gosh- i- um-

Jasper: *😳😳😳* uh- yeah-

David: a-are you sure? Out of a-all people?

Jasper: *nodnodnodnod*

David: well uh- lucky for you- *kisses his cheek😳😳😳*

Jasper: *😳😳😳😳* oh dang-

David: *smiles at him*

Gwen: well that was lovely

Jasper: Wow gwen okay

David: oh h-hi Gwen..*v red*

Jasper: *😳😳😳😳*

Gwen: I saw the whole thing, it was WAY better than trash tv

David: well is this good for your trash tv? *kisses Jasperteehee*

Jasper: *is a red*

Gwen: *:0* Oh damn!!

David: oh wait I actually did that-

Jasper: jesus- *lmao covers his face or some shit*

Gwen: 👏👏👏

David: okay uh toodaloo! Bye! *runs to the cabin*

Jasper: uh, i’m gonna go too-! *fOLLOW*

Max: they're so gonna makeout

David: *in the bathroom* WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH ME

Jasper: *kNocKs oN tHe dOoR* uhh, davey are you okay?

David: AH! oh Jasper, hello! Uh yes I am completely fine why would something be wrong what

Jasper: you ran away really fast, are you sure you’re okay-?

David: yes of course! *comes pit of the bathroom and is like face to face w/ jasper bc he was standing right outside of the door??*

Jasper: *😳👉👈* *s smooch*

David: *😳😳😳😳😳😳*

Jasper: i’m uh, sorry *😔👉👈*

David: nononono it's okay! *hug*

Jasper: *hug 😔👉👈*

David: hey, you okay? *ruffles his hair and laughs*

Jasper: *:) 👉👈* of course!

David: that's great! *smiles at him*

Jasper: we should uh, leave and see what the kiddos are up to *walks out backwards???*

David: okay! *kicks the door open* owie

Jasper: oh dang are you okay-

Nikki: What SPICY DRAMA happened??!

David: nikki what do you mean??

Nikki: Max said you were gonna make out!

David: nothing happened! *😳*

Jasper: *holds onto david’s arm or smth lmao oop*

Nikki: hmmmm

David: nikki nothing- uh- nothing happened!

Max: Likely story DAVID!

David: fine, what do you think happened?

Max: you two made out or some gross shit and then you came out like nothing happened!

David: well you are incorrect!

Jasper: very incorrect!

Nikki: Oh damn it!

David: well anyways, since it's getting to sunset now, its campfire time! *skips over to the benches*

Jasper: come on children!! *follow*

Children: kk *follow*

Max: jasper I seriously dont understand how youre in love with HIM

David: *making a fire*

Jasper: I mean, he’s really nice, Max- I’m sure you’ll feel the same way about someone eventually

Max: pft- yeah, no

David: *stands up* okay and we are ready for action!

Jasper: oh come ON max, stop being so heartless *walks over to the f i r e*

David: *sits down on a log and puts on his sweatshirt* (I LOVE DAVID WEARING A SWEATSHIRT)

Jasper: *sits next to d a v i d* oh dang, are you cold?

David: eh, it's just summer night air

Jasper: yeah but i wanted an excuse to do this *puts his arm around david 😳*

David: *goes wide eyed 😳😳*

Jasper: *forehead smooch 😳😳*

David: *hides in his sweatshirt😳* Jasper not in front of the campers!-

Jasper: Oh dang i’m so sorry *n not*

David: *rests his head on his shoulder* hmph

Jasper: oh no, am i in trouble now? *hug teehee*

David: *shakes his head no*

Jasper: cool cool cool *😘😘😘*

Gwen: *👀👀👀*

David: *sleep*

Gwen: I think you need to go tuck your boy in

Jasper: Righto, Gwen make sure nothing burns down *picks up mr tree mans and cArRiEs hIm To tHe CabIn wOwIe*

David: huh..oh hi jasperrrr

Jasper: hola *drops mr tree mans onto his bed lmao rekt* you fell asleep

David: oh sorry *laughs tiredly?? Is that a thing??*

Jasper: go to sleep, you sound tired *forehead smooch 😳😳*

David: *pulls him down to....hug him duh*

Jasper: oh dang- *hug hug hug*

David: what? I love youuuuu (he ain't gonna remember this-)

Jasper: *😳😳😳* shoot- i love you too homie *s sits on the bed or smth*

David: *sits up and hugs him* thank you for working here, now I get to see your adorable face everyday

Jasper: jeez- calm down- *😳😳😳*

David: I'm just saying! *smiles at him*

Jasper: *😌😌* okay go to sleep now- it’s late, homeslice

David: okay *kisses him* goodnight *:)*

Jasper: goodnight weirdo *escape*

-morning-

David: *wakes up and sits up* best sleep I've ever had

Jasper: *uhh already out watching el children*

David: *gets dressed and walks outside* GOOOOOD MORNING JASPER

Jasper: hello hello, how did you sleep?

David: very good actually! I just dont remember anything from the camp fire

Jasper: oh great, you were hella tired last night man

Nikki: *f fire*

David: GOSH DARN NIKKI NOT AGAIN WITH THE FIRE!- *runs*

Jasper: *ahaha just vibes honestly lmao* righto children, who wants to go do something cool

Max: what do you consider cool

Jasper: dunno, what do YOU consider cool?

Max: I dont know that's why I'm asking you!

Space kid: how are babies made

Jasper: okay, we’re not going over that today- what if we uh, go to spooky island and find cool stuff

Nerris: david said we arent allowed over there!

David: I heard my name! Wassup

Jasper: we’re going to spooky island because i almost died there so we are allowed

David: *:0* ooooo adventures okay! Boat time! *walks to the boats*

Jasper: alrighty everyone get in groups of threes to go in the bOaTs and then don’t get lost

David: *gets in the boat in front of thy jasper* is Gwen coming?

Jasper: I don’t think so-

Space Kid: *is on their bOaT now because he asked how babies were made*

David: *starts paddling the boat* weeeeeeee

Jasper: *lmao also pAdDlInG*

Space Kid: David how are babies made?

David: uh well- *😳*

Space Kid: because neil told me that-

Jasper: okay okay okay let’s not talk about this today

Space kid: do you and jasper make babies?

David: NO *😳😳😳*

Jasper: *w heeze*

Space Kid: hmmmm, well do you want to make babies?

David: SPACE KID JUST STOP TALKING *😳😳😳😳*

Jasper: *literally sobbing* this is COMEDY

David: JASPER DONT ENCOURAGE HIM

Jasper: It’s so funny-!

David: uh-uh! Its embarrassing!

Space kid: you guys have definitely made babies

Jasper: *FIDNKSNSKSK* OH MY GOD *teeheehaw*

David: OKAY WOW LOOK WE'RE HERE *gets off the canoe*

Jasper: *escaped canoe* kk kids stay in your groups and find something cool

David: I guess space kid went with harrison and his group, so that's leave us alone *😳*

Jasper: *😳😳😳* *👀👀* *smooch 😳*

David: *😳😳😳* *kiss:)*

Jasper: *:)))*

Nikki: GUYS IT IS HAPPENING

David: NIKKI I SWEAR TO GOSH IF YOU DONT GO AWAY-

Jasper: *😳😳😳* Woah Davey chillax

Nikki: Everyone wanted to know!

David: well I think it's pretttttttty obvious that I am deeply in love with Jasper!

Jasper: 😳😳😳

Nikki: WOAHH!! Like my mom and Carl!!

Neil: nikki pleeeeeease dont bring that up

David: oh god-

Nikki: Why not! That was true love Neil!

Jasper: what even- who?

Neil: that was sex! Theres a difference Nikki!

David: their parents hooked up on parents day-

Jasper: *elbow nudge ;))* *LMAO WHEEZE JK JKING*

Nikki: There is no difference!

David: JASPER NO

Neil: they only did it for pleasure!!

Jasper: I was joking homie!

Nikki: oh REALLY? how would you know!!

Neil: beacuseeeeee that's why people do it nikki!

David: okay....homeskillet!

Nikki: have YOU ever done it!!!

Jasper: oh jesus- we should stop that before something bad happens

Neil: NIKKI I AM 11

David: yeah-

Jasper: *picks up nikki or some poopoo* Nikki, just listen to Neil on this one

Neil: THANK YOU

David: *giggles*

Nikki: this isn’t over NEIL

Jasper: okie dokie kids- Nikki you’re coming back with me because I don’t trust you with neil

Neil: NIKKI YOU LITERALLY EAT DIRT SO I DONT THINK YOU WOULD KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT SE-

David: OKAY ENOUGH OF THIS

Jasper: alrighty everyone we’re going back- david go back with neil

Nikki: *g rowels*

-when they get back-

David: *flops on to his bed* well that was a experience

Jasper: *s sits on david’s bed* oh god it sure was

David: *sits up and leans against the pillows* I haven't been that stressed in awhile-

Jasper: *😳😳👀* *smooch*

David: *smooch😳😳😳😳*

Jasper: *😳😳😳😳smooch*

David: *hug* hiiiii

Jasper: *hug 😳😳😳* hello hello

Dsvid: not to be that weird person but you are way better at kissing then I thought you would be- *giggles*

Jasper: *😳😳😳😳*

David: okay soryyyyyyyyyyy

Jasper: you’re so dorky

Space Kid: *knocks on the councelor cabins door*

David: ugh can we ever be alone! *opens the door* oh space kid! Why are you up?

space kid: i had a nightmare that space wasn’t real can i stay with you :(

Jasper: ughhhhhh

David: yes of course! *picks up him* where do you wanna sleep?

Space kid: uhhh in space

David: let me rephrase it, where do you want to sleep in the cabin?

[eversall]

tagged by @claudiia--lightwood who is awesome go check her out!!

rules - copy and paste this in to a new text post, delete my answers and put in yours. when you’re done, tag up to 10 people!

a - age: 18

b - biggest fear: small enclosed spaces

c - current time: 10:56 pm

d - drink you had last: lemonade

e - every day starts with: coffee and me summoning up a ridiculous amount of willpower to get out of bed

f - favorite song: idk im in an ed sheeran mood rn

g - ghosts, are they real: sure, but i try not to think about them because i like sleep?

h - hometown: los angeles (catch @softjimon saying its london though)

i - in love with: summer break!! 

j - jealous of: the cities where my friends live now because now i have to wait until they visit from that city

k - killed someone: no thanks, way too much effort

l - last time you cried: may 5th, long story about why i remember the date exactly

m - middle name: i wasn’t cool enough to get one :(

n - number of siblings: i have one little brother who’s like my best pal we have great times together

o - one wish: to have a million wishes. jk - that all my friends and family and i are happy

p - person you last called/texted: while my little brother was sitting right next to me i dictated google voice to text him ‘you’re a poophead’ which about sums up the level of maturity we have when we’re together

q - question you’re always asked: you’re really 18??? to which my answer is ‘i understand the basis of this question but like do you think i’m really going to say oh no you got me i just lied for no reason?’

r - reason to smile: stupid jokes i love them so much

s - song last sang: move together by james bay

t - time you woke up: 8 am

u - underwear color: why though? did we run out of words that start with u? 

v - vacation destination: europe tour!! i really want to see scotland i hear it’s beautiful

w - worst habit: i’m perfect! jk i’m really slow to respond to people

x - xrays you’ve had: one time for my hand when i got a tiny fracture in my finger from playing basketball. maddie, you say, you’re so short, why would you be playing basketball? to which i tell you this was in seventh grade when i was taller than half of the boys in my class. 

y - your favorite food: my mom’s biryani

z - zodiac sign: scorpio

tagging: @softjimon @raphsantiagay @herondaleslewis @sunlewis @mxgnxsbane @simonlewhiss @annadalee @wellsyaha @winestainedflannel @earlsleg

[news-mashable-yahoopartner-blog]

The essential list of Trump trolls, from the NSFW to the out of this world

There's one thing you can say about our current president: It's definitely easy to troll him. It's almost harder not to troll him at this point. 

SEE ALSO: Watch Trump's ridiculous tweets transform into poetry before your eyes

And there have been some great ones over the past few years, like when Gawker's Ashley Feinberg managed to get Trump to retweet a Mussolini quote. Or the time Deadspin just went all in with some 🔥🔥🔥 .

Since the inauguration, the troll train has been full steam ahead, with the most recent in the line catching our attention in — ahem — entirely new ways. 

What better time to look back on the best trolls of our 45th president since his inauguration than now, as we head into the Independence Day holiday?

1. Pressing the Fleshlight

Buzzfeed writer Jesse McLaren gets points for being super subtle with this one. A quick glance and you wouldn't even notice the sex toy hidden on the shelf behind Trump's Oval Office desk, casually blending in with assorted trophies and knickknacks. 

I photoshopped a flesh-light into the background of this photo please RT so one day it accidentally get's used in an article. pic.twitter.com/HdDNMTYkDu

— Jesse McLaren (@McJesse) June 27, 2017

2. Getting real about Time

That fake Time magazine that the Washington Post discovered on the walls of Trump golf clubs is sure something. A lot of people got in on the trolling action, including one Virginia congressman, but nothing tops a cartoon from the New Yorker, a publication that's been pretty clear on its stance on Trump from the beginning. 

Today's daily cartoon by John Mavroudis. See more cartoons here: https://t.co/y2VewFsZHF pic.twitter.com/mRyREUDgTA

— The New Yorker (@NewYorker) June 29, 2017

3. "Real Fake" is really real

An easy way to troll Trump is to hit him where it hurts, like in front of his gleaming tower along the river in downtown Chicago. Fake news? Real news? What is life anyway? Life is strolling along the Chicago Riverwalk near the Trump Tower and happening to run into a sculpture that says "Real Fake" which doesn't have anything to do with Chicago Mayor (and Obama ally) Rahm Emanuel. Not at all. 

I believe we've hit peak-level trolling. pic.twitter.com/Zvc5lm1FDT

— Anthony M. Kreis (@AnthonyMKreis) June 27, 2017

4. Turning Trump into a poet

To celebrate how truly bizarre most of Trump’s tweets are, Reddit user Darby Crash recently created "Poet in Chief" — an algorithm-run generator that turns President Trump's 140-character messages into literary masterpieces. Users can click on individual poetry lines and be transported to Trump’s original tweets. Try out the trolling yourself!

Image: MASHABLE COMPOSITE: TOM PENNINGTON/GETTY IMAGES AND EMOJIPEDIA

5. Macron, thy mortal enemy

It took a few months, but Trump finally has a nemesis willing to go one-on-one with him on a global stage. It's France's new president Emmanuel Macron, who won't just out-macho Trump's handshake, but will also recruit action film legend (and former GOP governor!) Arnold Schwarzenegger to troll Trump on his decision to remove the U.S. from the Paris Climate Agreement. Note the high-level troll-appropriation of Trump's own (silly) slogan.

I was truly honored to meet with President @EmmanuelMacron about how we can work together for a clean energy future. He's a great leader. pic.twitter.com/MSoxjIruup

— Arnold (@Schwarzenegger) June 23, 2017

6. JK Rowling and Stephen King tag team POTUS

JK Rowling brings pure magic to Twitter feeds with each and every Trump troll. The Harry Potter author never holds back, and on occasion, even joins forces with another awesome human, like — oh, say — Stephen King, to take down the U.S. president. When King discovered Trump had blocked him on Twitter, Rowling stepped in to lend support. If you want more epic shade from these pals, here’s a scathing selection of J.K. Rowling's most brutal Trump burns, and Stephen King's. 

Trump has blocked me from reading his tweets. I may have to kill myself.

— Stephen King (@StephenKing) June 13, 2017

I still have access. I'll DM them to you. https://t.co/MhibEYDBTg

— J.K. Rowling (@jk_rowling) June 13, 2017

.@StephenKing On a sliding scale of Annie Wilkes to Cujo, what level of delusion do you reckon we're at today? pic.twitter.com/vmPwdS47Ks

— J.K. Rowling (@jk_rowling) June 15, 2017

7. A glass of shade on the rocks

Smirnoff’s icy-cold new ad campaign trolls President Trump in the least subtle of ways. In the aftermath of former FBI Director James Comey’s testimony, the company decided to promote its American-made vodka by sending up Trump's alleged ties to Russia. Trump claimed several of Comey's accusations (made under oath, BTW) were completely false and said he'd be 100 percent willing to share his account of what happened under oath. Smirnoff then created the following ad:

Smirnoff's new ad campaign pic.twitter.com/IPEwbLJFlq

— Robbie Gramer (@RobbieGramer) June 11, 2017

8. "Cryin' Chuck" weighs in

Don't think that Trump's political opponents are holding back, either. Senate minority leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY) certainly had some fun at Trump's expense after the absurd pageantry of that first big Trump cabinet meeting in which Trump was heralded as a glorious leader. Schumer and his staff decided to hold their own little ceremony of praise. 

GREAT meeting today with the best staff in the history of the world!!! pic.twitter.com/ocE1xhEAac

— Chuck Schumer (@SenSchumer) June 12, 2017

9. Tim Cook takes a bite out of Trump

Sure, Tim Cook might act (mostly) diplomatic at those tech summits, but he's thinking the same Trump Twitter jokes as the rest of us. Like this zinger he delivered while making the commencement speech at MIT's graduation. 

10. An out-of-this-world Trump troll

Yes, Trump got trolled from space because the limit does not exist. A French astronaut who lived in space for 196 days had a lovely tweet to send Trump upon his return to Earth. He threw shade at the president’s decision to withdraw from the Paris Climate Agreement by sharing a photo of the agreement floating on the International Space Station (ISS), and referencing Trump’s slogan in his hashtag.

I took the #ParisAgreement to the ISS: from space, climate change is very real. Some could probably use the view #MakeOurPlanetGreatAgain pic.twitter.com/0AuMTr9J39

— Thomas Pesquet (@Thom_astro) June 6, 2017

11. Raining on Trump’s climate-change denial parade

Ahead of Donald Trump's declaration that the U.S. would be withdrawing from the Paris Climate Agreement, Weather.com’s forecast called for heavy shade. The IBM-owned Weather Company transformed its homepage into a scorching hot message for Trump about the reality of climate change. Headlines like "Still Don't Care? Proof You Should Care Now" put climate-change deniers in their places in a refreshingly unique way.

Hey @weatherchannel — I see you. Wow. pic.twitter.com/wOWEop67Qj

— Scott Gustin (@ScottGustin) June 1, 2017

12. Pay bribes here!

We already know trolling Trump at his places of business is one sure way for publicity. Another target was his posh D.C. hotel that coincidentally hosted a big re-election fundraiser for Trump on Wednesday. D.C. artist Robin Bell, who would subsequently target Jeff Sessions, projected phrases like "Pay bribes here!" and "Emoluments Welcome" onto the Trump hotel. 

Right now at Trump's DC hotel! pic.twitter.com/95cwrUmbmF

— igorvolsky (@igorvolsky) May 16, 2017

13. Bigly ethics violations?

Trump was only in office for a few months before he raised the ire of the Office of Government Ethics (OGE), which has already had its hands full with the Trump White House. The OGE tweeted out a reminder about ethical loyalty shortly after reports surfaced that said Trump demanded loyalty from now-fired FBI head James Comey, a saga that continues to stretch on. 

pic.twitter.com/Cdmlta2ecl

— U.S. OGE (@OfficeGovEthics) May 12, 2017

14. The tweet came from (near) space!

Before Trump upset astronauts by pulling out of the Paris agreement, the president had already been hit with a troll from above. The Autonomous Space Agency Network, amateurs who promote DIY space exploration, released their own shot at Trump via a printed tweet on a weather balloon. It didn't quite make it to space, but it's close enough. 

.@realDonaldTrump: LOOK AT THAT, YOU SON OF A BITCHhttps://t.co/Vu7q2j8g1t pic.twitter.com/EU1obtes4q

— ASAN (@ASANspace) April 12, 2017

15. Trump Draws

One of the best one-stop Twitter accounts that hilariously sends up the president is Trump Draws, which mocks Trump's love of himself, attention, and maybe not having the most bigly intellect. 

tapes pic.twitter.com/EYKHaGE1Lh

— Trump Draws (@TrumpDraws) June 22, 2017

16. Clinton's revenge

Both Hillary and Chelsea Clinton have taken plenty of shots at Trump since the election. Some might say they're being sore losers, while others point out the popular vote totals. 

Of course @HillaryClinton has a theory about #covfefe pic.twitter.com/Dr5rcUCFZy

— Mashable News (@MashableNews) May 31, 2017

17. The best words!

Merriam-Webster’s official Twitter account has become a crucial member of Trump’s die-hard group of trollers. The dictionary continually corrects Trump’s bigly word mishaps by defining the most-searched terms related to Trump. For instance, whenever Trump spells the word “council” incorrectly, Merriam-Webster is there. And when he created “covfefe”? Forget about it. Since his inauguration, the dictionary has also trolled Kellyanne Conway’s “alternate facts” remark, and Ivanka Trump’s use of "complicit," proving that no one in the administration is safe.

'Councel' is by far our most looked up misspelling today.

— Merriam-Webster (@MerriamWebster) May 18, 2017

18. Trolling from the other side of the pond 

Trump's treatment of our allies has been a significant storyline of his presidency, but it's not like Europe is ignoring Trump. Not long after Trump's inauguration, the cheeky Dutch used a parody of a tourism video to take potshots at the new U.S. president. Several countries wound up following their lead. 

19. Late night drama

Late Night hosts take the political shade to a whole other level. Who could forget Stephen Colbert’s Emmy hosting announcement in which he mocked the Trump administration's false claims about inauguration attendance. “This will be the largest audience to witness an Emmys, period,” Colbert said in a statement. “Both in person and around the globe.” The late night show shade has been so strong who could even recall every troll? But recently Colbert and Seth Rogen joined forces to slide into Donald Trump Jr.’s DMs. A family that gets trolled together stays together, maybe?

20. Souza shades like no other

Perhaps the ultimate Trump trolling master is the Insta-famous former White House photographer of Barack Obama, Pete Souza. Souza watches Trump like a hawk with his photo archive at the ready, just waiting to revive the hundreds of stunning shots he’s taken of Obama to show the contrasts in their leadership. Each Souza troll — from Trump’s visit with the Pope to his Paris Climate Agreement decision — includes a fierce caption. Let us admire one of the greatest posts: Souza’s response to Trump refusing to shake German Chancellor Angela Merkel’s hand at their White House meeting.

First time meeting Angela Merkel in 2009

A post shared by Pete Souza (@petesouza) on Mar 17, 2017 at 12:54pm PDT

Additional reporting from Suzanne Ciechalski

WATCH: Are these tweets by Trump or a troll? Adam Pally is on the case.

[erindatesla]

Where I've Been

November 24, 2014

A few days ago an anonymous commenter named 'honey' commented pls post more which was very nice and inspiring. Then, my BFF Eric asked WTF was up with my blog. Last but not least, I had this conversation with my ex.

Hi, I'm back.

I haven't posted in more than a month because I have a LIFE, OKAY?? Well actually, I just haven't been dating, and that was a conscious decision for a few reasons:

1) Self-Preservation

I had another Tinder meltdown and was texting a lot of guys I didn't even want to meet and it felt sleezy and unproductive.

I was stood up and fed up.

Dating lost its entertainment value to me, the one form of payoff I received from bad dates. And I lost my voice, literally (laryngitis) and figuratively. This blog was supposed to be a place to tell funny tales but I was kind of just sad for a while. Instead of finding the jokes in each bad date, dating had become a joke.

I was seeing a guy who was in an open relationship with his girlfriend. He told me their only "rule" was that they remained each other's #1. That made me #2...or #3...or #10, who knows. It took a few months, but I decided I didn't want to be this guy's (or anyone's) side gal, I wanted to be someone's main squeeze or nothing at all.

I was put in the "friend zone" for the first time ever. I'm fine.

I'm slightly unclear on who I am or what I want in life and thus, not in a place to be dating.

2) I hit the road

First I went to Denver to watch my beautiful and lovely friend Bonnie join her now-husband in matrimony. Gorgeous wedding, and they were the couple of the year! In second place were me and one of the groom's best friends (at least for the weekend, rom-com style, OK??). We hit it off the first night and became fast friends. Friends that kiss on the second night while taking a moonlit stroll by the river. It was all very charming and romantic and I'd love to tell you more but I'll save that for another day.

It's really important for you to know that while I was there I saw a squirrel eating pizza at the park. FAVORITE THINGS COMBINED ALL AT ONCE.

Then I was off to Hawaii. I go each year with three girlfriends from college (except last year--leave me alone it's really hard to talk about that dark time in my life). It was really beautiful and delicious and fun. But I was sick for one full day smack dab in the middle of our week, as was my friend Stephanie, who had also been stung by a man o' war jellyfish the day prior. Bedridden in Hawaii: A Nightmare, is the name of a book I made up that would aptly describe that day of my life. Regardless of that mournful day, I'll always be thankful for my favorite shrimp truck and coconut cream pie and funny friends that made it a delight, otherwise. The views weren't so bad either, I suppose.

Most recently I was in San Francisco with a friend from high school, visiting our friend who lives there. This was some good-ol', soul-nourishing gal time. Our San Fran girl trips are always restful, delicious and refreshing. I drank a lot of good coffee, strolled the piers and got some fresh air, ate delicious food, danced to oldies (!!!) and most importantly, got to catch up with my ever-inspiring gal pals. Pictured to the right is a Nutella-stuffed cookie and house-made hot chocolate from Dandelion Chocolate, where you get to TASTE chocolate, talk to a maker (I didn't because I was overeager for a sweet treat) and then...eat a treat. The best. It was so, so good. Go to there if you're in SF!

3) I moved, and then I was mugged

If you've read (m)any of my posts, you know that I live in great fear of being murdered, and I finally, actually almost was! I recently moved to a new apartment only half a mile from my old one (moving sucks!), and I was walking my dog out front when a guy approached me and said something, to which I replied, huh? He repeated, "I have good aim, what you got?" I tried to converse and decipher what he meant, when I finally realized he had his hand in his pocket as if he had a gun and he was trying to rob me of whatever I had. Cue chills toe-to-head (the chills actually started in my feet--very strange) and I knew I had to comply and get the out. I told him I'd give him whatever he wanted but I didn't have much: I only had my phone, my dog and my pepper spray, all of which he could see. (I know you're wondering why I didn't spray him, but I knew if he had a gun he could shoot me even if blinded from some pepper.) He asked for my phone, all the while reminding me he "had good aim" any time he thought I was about to run or pepper spray him. I never saw a gun, but even the threat of one was bone-chillingly terrifying. At the end of the situation we calmly negotiated that he could have my phone and I could keep my life. How sweet. He walked away cooly, and I ran to my neighbor's, pounded on his door, ran upstairs to my apartment before he could answer, heard him say "hello?" and screamed "NEIGHBOR?!" We had never met, and this was our first introduction (CHILL MOVE, ERIN). He called 9-1-1 for me and the police showed up 20 minutes later and nonchalantly took a report. It could have been so much worse, but it really stripped me of my already-wobbly sense of security. Ever-since, I've split my time between my new apartment, which contains an unassembled bed and is hardly unpacked, and my parents house because they love me and feed me and are so nice. The commute BLOWS but the payoff (read: sanity) is worth it, especially during the holidays. Plus it sounds cool to be like, "well I have an apartment in LA so I can crash there when I want." JK...that just sounds financially irresponsible.

4) I was a little bit sad

I've a little bit been wallowing in self-pity. It has kind of been one thing after another: laryngitis, bronchitis, I got stuck in an elevator (which sounds minor, but is my #2 fear in life, behind being murdered), I suddenly had a limp on my right side from hip pain (hi, I'm 26), I got mugged (see #1 fear), I got eaten alive by bugs in Hawaii so much so that I thought I had bed bugs (lol), and on top of it all, a really good friend of mine moved far, far away.

This person was kind of my go-to not-boyfriend. An ex from many moons ago, he had become the person I called after a bad day, bad date, good day, good anything. He's the kind of friend who when my food order is delivered wrong says, "don't freak out, I'll buy you whatever food you want" because he knows that's my third biggest fear. He fixes my technology, tells me about good movies, gets dessert with me upon request at basically any hour and is just really lovely to me a lot of the time. When I found out he was moving, I was a low-functioning catatonic for about a week. I became prematurely nostalgic, unable to imagine how I would function without this person who had played a huge role in my life for nearly a decade. It's been about three months now and yes I miss him but I'm FINE...see next section...

5) I've been having fun

Dating is very time-consuming, so with all this new, free time on my hands I've been doing things I'm usually "too busy" to do like read, see movies and make crafts (yeah, like paint and glue and glitter-type crafts). I read Not That Kind of Girl by Lena Dunham, which both warmed my heart and made me think, among other books like White Girl Problems and Psychos by Babe Walker. Serious literature happening over here!!

I saw some flicks, my favorite being The Tingler (1959) presented in Percepto! at CineFamily. The "Tingler" is a lobster-like creature that can be fatal, and Percepto is a simulation of the creature's attack...a buzzer installed in the theater seat. This has been my favorite old "creature feature" since I was a kidlette, so seeing it like this was super special!

Which reminds me, Halloween came and went, and it's important for you to know that I dressed as my favorite emoji, which I made with my own two paws.

Now it's the holidays and I'm still not ready to date (have you ever been on a first date the day before Christmas Eve? I have, and it's the pits). But I AM excited to start writing again. I'M BACK!!!!!!!!! Talk soon, XO.