#jgy loved and cared about jin ling. that is WHY that moment in guanyin hits like a fucking truck

[thatswhatsushesaid]

i mean you’re right about one thing, literally no one asked for this

but also imagine being this close to recognizing how trapped by his circumstances jgy was, recognizing that the key to changing his life would be changing his childhood, understanding that he didn’t receive love and support from anyone around him, and coming to this conclusion about his character. amazing.

[veliseraptor]

if you're still doing the five headcanons meme, how about character-defining quotes for a character of your choice from the untamed/mdzs? (I know I said your choice and IT IS!!! but personally I'd love to see JC or JGY, or hardmode maybe Jin Ling)

oh man, anon, you’re giving me hard mode regardless purely because I can’t...look up quotes, so I have to go off my memory and then go hunt them down episode by episode. 

decided to go with Jin Guangyao because I love him and I feel like I don’t write enough about him myself (as opposed to just reblogging other peoples’ writing about him and yelling about it in the tags).

Two things that came out of this: 1. this got really long, so sorry about that if that’s not what you wanted, and 2. I now have so many Jin Guangyao screencaps. (This is not a problem.)

finally I am coming at this as a certified Jiggy Apologist™ so heads up there.

(Using Viki subtitles because I can’t screencap from Netflix anyway.)

1. "How can I be the same as you? You want me to not be afraid of the sky or afraid of the ground? I am exactly afraid of the sky, afraid of the ground, and even afraid of people!”

I mean, okay, this whole speech is one big Jin Guangyao Manifesto, but as I was going through it to pick a specific bit for this response this was the part that stuck with me - because in many ways Jin Guangyao is a man driven by intense and inescapable fear. The entire world feels as though it is against him and always has been against him, or at least as though it is just waiting for an excuse to tear his throat out the second it sees weakness. This ties in to #2 (and Jiggy’s ‘then bite first’ instinct, but this one I think is particularly defining because of the way it emphasizes specifically fear. 

“Afraid of the sky, afraid of the ground, and even afraid of people.” Set against Nie Mingjue’s earlier words, too - listed as a bonus on this post - this is also Jin Guangyao confessing to what he knows Nie Mingjue will judge as cowardice. 

There’s this great post about how this whole scene is very Jin Guangyao Speaking His Truth - to the person he knows will reject it. He admits this - this fear that drives him, that is his constant companion, the fear that quickly becomes paranoia as his world spirals out of control (control, that he hangs onto so tightly because either he has all of the power or none of it, and without power he can’t protect himself) - with at least some knowledge that it won’t matter.

Because of course it doesn’t matter. How can I be the same as you, he asks, and his entire answer to that question will always be I can’t - I have to make my own way, however ugly that looks.

2. “In this world, everyone began with no grudges. Someone will always come forward with the first stab.” 

I wrote a bit of a post about this one the last time I watched this episode! Basically how he’s talking to Wei Wuxian here, but I think he’s also talking about himself - and, obliquely, explaining himself. He began with no grudges, like everyone else here. Someone was always going to strike first - as his father did, to him, when he kicked him down the stairs of Jinlintai. He went there to get his acceptance, grudge-free, and limped away having come off the worse. It didn’t matter that he hadn’t done anything to Jin Guangshan. 

Everyone begins unstained, but nobody stays that way. It’s sort of a race to the bottom way of looking at things, maybe, but given how much time Jin Guangyao has spent with people stepping on him, it’s pretty understandable that he looks at people with fear (see above!) as those who will potentially kick him down a flight of stairs. 

Eventually someone will hit first, and in Jin Guangyao’s experience if he doesn’t do it then the other person will. Why lie down and let them go for it? Why not at least try to fight back?

3. “'Abhor evil as one’s deadly foe...’ Am I exactly that evil then?”

So this is in response to Lan Xichen’s attempt at being comforting by telling Jin Guangyao that it’s not him! Nie Mingjue is just like that about people he thinks are evil!” and Jin Guangyao is like. “So let’s examine that for a minute.”

It doesn’t just function as pointing up to Lan Xichen what he just said/implied, though (and Lan Xichen clearly realizes he said something wrong, as he stumbles over responding to this question), but it’s also, I think, to some extent a genuine question - both internally and externally directed.

I think about this great breakdown of this scene, and how Jin Guangyao is trying to balance three powerful people and keep them all happy(ish) with him. He is, here, about to do something awful - possibly unforgivable. And I think there is a hesitation, a desire to know (am I evil or am I just doing what I have to?) but also to be reassured. Jin Guangyao isn’t someone where questions of right and wrong, good and evil, don’t matter or don’t concern him. And especially here, it matters very much in the context of Lan Xichen, specifically.

Am I evil? And if I am, what does that mean: for me, for you, for us?

But it’s not just about Lan Xichen, either. It’s posed at himself, too. Is this the line that’s too far? Is this the place where I cross a point of no return? Is it?

Does it matter, if evil is what I already am?

4. "”Under the circumstances, doing one more or doing one less, what’s the difference?”

This one...oof. I resist, to a certain extent, the retroactive “Jin Guangyao was responsible for literally every bad thing that happened after the end of Sunshot” that the Guanyin Temple scenes present. It feels a little too neat. And I’m not quite saying ‘I reject this canon and ignore it because I want to’ but I do feel like...this line interests me because it illustrates not just where Jin Guangyao is at this point (’there is nothing I can say, you’ve made up your minds about me and there’s no point arguing details anymore’) but also, more generally, how he got here.

Because it’s very easy to see how incremental Jin Guangyao’s actions are. Starting out doing things for his father - following orders, getting his hands bloody on Jin Guangshan’s behalf. And escalating. Because once he’s done one bad thing - once he’s already crossed one moral line...what’s another? Or another? Once he’s already stained, how much of a difference does it really make if he does worse?

And besides...he was never going to be virtuous. He was never going to be clean.

5. “In my life, I have lied countless times, killed countless times. Just like you said, of all the evil deeds in the world, what haven’t I done? But I...I had never thought about harming you.”

So I like pain! And this is very. Very ouch. I feel like I see a lot of people arguing about whether this is sincere, or how sincere Jin Guangyao’s feelings for Lan Xichen were, or whether he was just lying to/manipulating him all along - but I think this is a very real, truly honest moment. Because he’s admitting to everything - admitting to a kind of hideous monstrosity that he avoided claiming before this moment, even as he was truthful about what he’d done and why. And he’s doing it to contrast it with that last line: I had never thought about harming you.

Lan Xichen was the cleanest part of his life. Lan Xichen was the person with whom he got to be his best self - the self he wanted to be (at another point in this scene he says it’s not that I didn’t want to be a good person). It’s not his truest self because Jin Guangyao doesn’t really have one of those (who does?), but a self that he doesn’t get to be with anyone else (to a certain extent, also with Qin Su, but there’s a different kind of reserve there however much he cares about her; a consequence of what he knows to be true about their relationship, particularly after Rusong’s death). That’s precious to him. That’s priceless. And here, after everything else is ripped away, their relationship shredded, there’s still this to lose: he never thought about harming Lan Xichen (he did, of course, but never directly). But Lan Xichen is killing him.

BONUS: “A real man can stand up straight and do what’s right. The more these people spout a stream of rhetoric nonsense behind your back, the more you must do things to the point that they have nothing else to say.”

So this is a bonus instead of one of the five because it’s Nie Mingjue speaking and not Jin Guangyao himself, but the level to which this is - how Jin Guangyao approaches things for a long while is really...pretty intense. And in some ways the tipping point for Jin Guangyao is the realization, constant and unending, that it doesn’t matter what he does, or how much he does, or how hard he works - people will always have something to say. There will always be more insults, more snide comments, more judgment. There is no possible way for him to be a real man; the opportunity to stand up straight is, as far as Jin Guangyao is concerned, one he lost the moment he was born in a brothel. 

But I think there is a period of time where he wants to believe in this kind of merit-based success. That if he pushes himself hard enough, he’ll be able to better himself, to make enough gains that he can stand up straight, to make good of himself. That’s an encouraging thing to believe! And for someone like Jin Guangyao who prizes his control - the idea of having that much control/agency is a very appealing one. But he keeps running into the fact that in a rigid, hierarchical society where rumor is king, there’s no real such thing as merit-based success, or at least not the kind where they’ll let you forget where you came from. 

I think that’s a big part of Jin Guangyao’s breaking point, actually - not just the knowing he’ll never be good enough to be more than the son of a prostitute, but the disjunction between people claiming that if he just tried harder then it would be better (notably, Nie Mingjue, here, who I think does believe it to some extent), and his lived experience of trying very, very hard all the time and always eventually running into the ‘son of a prostitute’ glass ceiling. 

There’s no way out, he says in Guanyin Temple; I think in some ways Jin Guangyao’s life has been a succession of closed doors and narrowing paths where it feels, again and again, like there’s no way out - or at least, no right way. No clean way. 

The only way to win was to do terrible things.

[grandmasterofwangxiancultivation]

MDZS ch.106

okay wow

Lan XiChen, “What letter?”

Jin GuangYao, “A letter of threat. The letter said… those things would be publicized for the world to see in seven days. They wanted me to either turn myself in and apologize, or… wait for the day of my death.”

(it’s pulling-the-strings-from-behind-the-scene’s guy merit, right? RIGHT? the letter was from them, i know. who is it? COME OUT AND LET ME HUG YOU

though really... if it’s not lxc, then who? a jin sect’s member? or nhs? i don’t think mxtx would put him in the scene with nothing to do for fun. he has to have a purpose. and it would make sense, since jgy murdered nmj...)

Unfortunately, it was all wrecked by Wei WuXian and Lan WangJi.

(yeah, a true pity... but not a coincidence, maybe? their investigation started with nmj’s arm, after all, and everything is linked to jgy. TOO CASUAL TO BE CASUAL. OMG. O M G. DON’T FREAKING TELL ME-)

EDIT: lxc and jgy’s scene is one of the reason i love this novel. the characterization is so good, it feels right for lxc to be unable to totally let go of his affection for him and wanting to know his reasons. i love this and i hate jgy a bit less than i did, but since the beginning i knew that i wouldn’t be able to totally hate him. he lives for reputation (his mother’s life taught him that) and he doesn’t want his to be stained.

mdzs is about love and family as well as about forgiveness (or lack of it). it makes so much sense for lxc and jgy to be like this, at this point.

I AM IN PAIN

EDIT 2:

With a sigh, Lan XiChen continued, “Third, do not try to avoid it and answer me—did you plan the death of Jin ZiXuan on purpose?!”

Hearing his father’s name, Jin Ling, who’d been holding Jiang Cheng, widened his eyes.

[...] Jin GuangYao knew he wouldn’t be believed if he denied it no matter what. He clenched his teeth, “… I indeed didn’t run into Jin ZiXuan by accident.”

Jin Ling immediately clenched his fists.

my son is hurting. My SoN iS hUrTiNg. *tries to breath deeply* I KNEW IT, BY NOW, BUT I READING IT MAKES ME WANNA CRAWL IN THERE AND HUG JIN LING TO MY CHEST AND SEND MY BEST DEATH-GLARE AT JGY

EDIT 3: yeah, keep hitting me! one moment he insults wwx and jl, the other jgy seems like the victim, STOP TOYING WITH MY HEART, WOULD YOU ALL?

EDIT 4:

Pain flashed before Lan XiChen’s face, “Even if your father… you…” He still couldn’t find an appropriate comment and gave up, sighing instead, “What is the use of saying all this now?”

Jin GuangYao shrugged as he smiled, “I can’t help it. To seek pity even after doing all the bad things—that’s the kind of person I am.”

At the word ‘pity’, he suddenly flipped his wrist. A red guqin string wrapped around Jin Ling’s neck.

Tears still hung at the corners of Jin GuangYao’s eyes as he spoke, voice low, “Don’t move!”

i am crying for jgy but IF I SEE EVEN JUST A DROP OF BLOOD ON JIN LING-

EDIT 5: what a freaking liar, i can’t believe i felt pity toward him -i still do!!!- while he holds my baby hostage and tricks lxc again. WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE LIKE THIS JGY, UST FUCKING SURRENDER-

EDIT 6:

Just as Jin GuangYao was about to speak, a thunder of unprecedented volume roared. It was far in the distance, but sounded almost as if it was right next to one’s ear. He couldn’t help but shiver and swallow what he was about to say. Immediately after, three strange thumps bellowed outside the temple’s doors.

SOMEONE IS HERE

EDIT 7: WEN NING CAME

The figure didn’t fly in his direction, but instead in Wei WuXian and Lan WangJi’s. Calmly, the two parted for an instant before naturally standing side-by-side again. Turning around, Wei WuXian called, “Wen Ning?”

Wen Ning crashed into the Guanyin statue within the temple. With his feet above his head, he hung for a while before he plopped down and answered, “… Young Master.”

HE IS SO CUTE, HE CRASHED ON THE STATUE UPSIDE-DOWN, AAAAAAH I LOVE HIM

EDIT 8:

Seeing him, both Jiang Cheng and Jin Ling grew darkish in their faces. On the other hand, Nie HuaiSang cried, “Brother!!!”

AND HE FREAKING BROUGHT NIE MINGJUE?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?! ALKEFOJWEHGOIWHJROGIIOR I AM SCREAMING

EDIT 9:

Lan XiChen, “… Brother.”

Jin GuangYao also murmured, “… Brother.”

THIS IS ACTUALLY HEARTBREAKING BYE I WANNA DIE

EDIT 10: LWJ CHOPPED OFF JGY’S HAND AND SAVED JIN LING! THAT’S WHAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT!

EDIT 11:

Lan WangJi peeled open the fingers of the severed palm. The guqin string loosened, and Jin Ling was finally out of danger. Just as Jiang Cheng was about to rush over to see if he was hurt or not, Wei WuXian moved faster than him and grabbed Jin Ling’s shoulders, examining carefully. After he’d determined that the skin on his neck was unscathed, without a single scratch, he finally let out a sigh of relief.

wwx caring for jin ling is what gives me life and wakes me up in the morning and wishes me goodnight when i go to sleep -something i should have definitely been doing by now, it’s 2 a.m. lol

EDIT 12:

Wei WuXian, however, pulled him into a tight hug, “Stand farther away from dangerous people next time, you brat, why did you go so close?!”

If the only son of Jiang YanLi and Jin ZiXuan died in front of his eyes, Wei WuXian would truly be at a loss as to what to do.

Jin Ling wasn’t used to being hugged by someone like this. Blood immediately flushed to his pale face as he pushed away from Wei WuXian’s chest. Grabbing him, Wei WuXian hugged a couple more times, with more force, slapping his shoulder hard before he shoved him towards Jiang Cheng, “Go! Don’t run around anymore. Go to your uncle!”

Jiang Cheng caught Jin Ling, who still felt a bit dizzy. Looking across at Wei WuXian and Lan WangJi standing together, he hesitated for a moment before he turned to Lan WangJi, lowering his voice, “Thank you.” Although his voice was low, there was no vagueness.

wwx being best uncle and jin ling blushing at being hugged by him and jc saying thank you THE WORLD IS SUCH A BEAUTIFUL PLACE O M G I AM ALIVE AND THIS? THIS IS SO PRECIOUS. THIS IS ALL I NEED. THIS IS ALL I WANT FROM NOW ON.