#jfc i just can't deal

[witchysniffles]

the woman was too stunned to speak 😳

[kindahoping4forever]

Calum IG Story

[thewingedwolf]

me: i feel like at every library i've worked out, there's been a patron or two that are clearly struggling with alcohol but aren't quite seeking help. do you have any suggestions for that situation? speaker: well the program is voluntary. me: yeah, but i mean...what do we do in these situations? speaker: if they aren't reaching out, nothing.

[thedeviljudges]

-

[loumauve]

I snapped today at work, and by snapped I mean I politely commented on a help desk ticket by summing up an mess of an (type of) issue that's come up for at least the fourth time in the 2+ months I've been managing user accounts, and asked the person responsible to fix it (himself for once) because last time I fixed his mess-up it took me two whole days to work out the details with at least four other colleagues from different departments and I really don't want to do it again. there's other shit that needs doing, I've been working 10+ hour days for most of this week already, so I need to cut down not add on more.

(good thing tho - at least we managed to fix the issue where the dataset of a newer employee got mixed up with another one of the same name and therefore wasn't able to apply for any of the access/accounts she needed. technically not entirely my area but it does impact us not being allowed to create an account for her so I figured I might as well track that issue down. took three days and at least three other people, but hey - it should all work out now. yay for that)

[e-6000]

°

[timothyslucy]

just a girl that's always forced to bottle up her emotions for the sake of others.

[ghoulphile]

Coop would draw out that feeling of shame for being attracted to him so hard too, making you hold eye contact when he was on top of you OR BETTER YET; you not realizing the room you're in has a broken mirror until his tilts your head up to lock eyes with your own. "You just keep lookin there, darling. And I'll do the rest." Him stopping his hips if your eyes close for even second. "I believe we had a deal. Now you watch yourself get fucked, I want you to know who's making you sing like that."

Him pulling out and finishing on your thighs and not letting you cum bc you couldn't help but close your eyes and hes gotta punish you somehow 👀👀👀

okayyyy but jfc that's 🥵 you are SO right & you should say it

Like, him purposefully thrusting in hard and fast to make your lashes flutter, grinding close and hitting all those tender sweet spots that make your eyes roll into the back of your head because he wants you to fail.

wants to see how far he can push you and how long you can hold out while also knowing its impossible when he rocks juuuust right, drags the fat head of his cock along your g-spot until your hips buck and your thighs tremble.

holds you down and makes you take it while mocking you, gripping your jaw to keep your attention focused on the mirror above you, maybe shoves his fingers inside your mouth just to see you gag and drool.

"so fuckin' messy," he'd grunt. "see, now don' you look prettier than a picture? hanging off my cock, dumb 'n droolin'."

you'd beg and plead for him to stop, to slow down, to stop doing that because he knows you can't take it - it's too much! you can't be good and do what he says when he's fucking you like this; stuffing your mouth full while his cock thrusts so deep you feel him in your stomach, mean fingers pinching at your clit until you whine, pawing at his shoulders.

and every time you look away he does more than pause, he pulls out - slaps the heavy weight of his erection against your abused pussy until you throb, all swollen and needy. drags the head up and down your slit until you're crying, blurry eyes struggling to stay open and on your mirrored image.

when he fucks back in after teasing, it's nice and slow, making sure you feel every inch he feeds you until he's sheathed to the hilt, your walls rippling around his shaft, clamping down so hard he swears.

then the hard, fast pace starts again, your body jerking with every harsh thrust. over and over again (man has stamina) until you're cock drunk, mouth slack and mind hazy after hours of edging. and when you finally cum with a wet gush and shaking hands, he tsks and ruins your orgasm by pulling out before you're finished.

you'll whine, struggling to get your limbs to cooperate as you try to cling to him. he'll bat you away and wait til you refocus on him - the hard glint of his eyes and the cruel smirk tugging at his mouth. swallowing hard when he takes his cock in hand, glistening with your slick.

he'd jerk himself off while you watch before cumming with a grunt, shooting his spend all over your skin. then the real punishment begins... one ruined orgasm for every time you looked away, every time you shut your eyes. by the end of it you'd be a soaked, overstimulated mess - body wrung to its limits and nerves shot, knees weak and head full of cotton.

just.... i have a lot of thots 😭

[suzukiblu]

Why did i only just now learn you were doing 30 days of think pink? oh right bc tumblr decided to hide all of it behind a mature content label 😡 anyways I just caught up from where I left of...in june 2024 and I read until the End of That Scene. fucking cliffhangers, man

ok followup thoughts: kon is actually just as crazy as I would be if I had been repressing my feelings about my best friend for most of a decade and we had saved each others lives countless times. And also I died, got forgotten, and came back to the narrative to find out that my best friend was bi now. with a boyfriend. but tim might be crazier. what do you mean my best friend who I was repressing feelings for for most of a decade is into gay sex now because of a plot rock? Is he going to be straight again after this?!? I can have him, but only for one weekend? My best friend is into every fantasy I can throw at him but there's a time limit. that man (tim) can't stop thinking about the implications even when the best boy is in his bed. No wonder he colored look all I'm saying is that if there exists an outtakes chapter with Tim's perspective of any of this I want to see it

rUDE, Tumblr, jfc.

I will say the "mature" label def does seem to cause some issues that way, because I feel like at least sometimes it just doesn't even show the posts as a thing you CAN choose to expand on? idk if that's a filter thing or just a hellsite thing, admittedly, god knows, hah.

. . . so like, you are objectively correct about everyone's crazy and also I understand the desire for that outtake chapter concept, but I am PRETTY sure that if I wrote Tim's perspective of any of "think pink" whatsoever it would take another 50k to get through literally just the phone call, ahahahaha.

Tim Drake has so much crazy to hide and so much to contain over this long weekend and he is CERTAINLY having some THOUGHTS, and then also is having to deal with Kon, like, being into or ASKING for those thoughts, occasionally unprompted!! FREQUENTLY unprompted, in fact!!!!

Also, like:

"oh, Kon's into D/s too.

oh, Kon's a sub, that's convenien--

. . . oh, Kon's REALLY into D/s too.

. . . . . . oh.

. . . . . . . . . O H ."

That was CERTAINLY a thought process that Tim Drake got to experience in real time. It certainly, certainly was.

[queenlua]

i'm generally a pretty even-tempered gal and i've been trying to ride out this stupid "ai" craze without getting my feathers too ruffled

but

it's just legitimately enraging see STUPID BAD WRONG DUMBSHIT pop up FRONT AND CENTER of my search results so goddamn often. was dealing with some medical shit this week and i swear to god fully 90% of the time when i was googling shit there was [stupid fuckshit that SOUNDS awfully plausible but clearly is not], listed DIRECTLY BEFORE an article from, like, the Cleveland Clinic that directly contradicted it. legitimately makes the finding-and-seeking of information a headache in a way that used to be seamless. who the fuck decided every notion of provenance is just something to be ignored. who the fuck decided you can't turn this shit off. when will the VC jackasses and fucking CEO sheep find some new bullshit to jack off over. dump your money into space bullshit or something, i don't give a shit if you're shooting rockets toward dead space rocks, just leave fucking consumer tech alone jfc

[top-pleng]

I don't think I've ever encountered a lesbian couple as deranged as Wanpleng in fiction before like they really take the trophy for how toxic and messed up they are and they're only 17 right now! I just know it's gonna get so much worse 😭

but already we have absolutely insane levels of jealousy and codependency issues as well as fucking astronomical levels of romantic friendship intimacy and blatant gay denial. like they just took a casual bath together and Pleng gave her platonic bestie a massage while they were naked in a bath tub together like it was no big deal! Yes, Pleng has a "holy shit I'm gay" realization shortly after that but the fact that the bath even occured in the first place ... like how gay and oblivious do you have to be.

And like I know standards of skinship are different in a lot of Asian countries and these two characters in particular grew up together in the same household because one is the daughter of the maid and the other daughter of the rich ppl, but still!!! that shit ain't normal or typical!!!

and then there's the fact that they're so codependent attached that they're both fucking terrified of the idea of being "left behind" by the other but they both seem to think of it as inevitable. So, Wan semi-seriously semi-jokingky, I think, suggests that she should get a boyfriend before Pleng does. In Wan's mind, this is how she can combat the fear of losing Pleng. She quickly realizes this wouldn't work, of course, but not before Pleng realizes she's in love with Wan and that realization utterly terrifies her.

And she acts as any lesbian with extreme internalized homophobia would ... she runs away from her feelings. She avoids Wan, puts the distance up, and she decides to get Wan a boyfriend so that in her mind Wan isn't leaving her ... she's leaving Wan! 😭😭😭

These two lesbians are so fucking crazy.

And Wan, of course, sees Pleng acting insane about the whole boyfriend situation and rightly calls her out for it! She's ecstatic when Pleng is jealous, but utterly horrified and upset and heartbroken when Pleng tries to force her and Ek together.

That was probably the first time Wan had ever told Pleng that she hated her. Granted, I'm sure they probably had some toddlerhood spats but this was probably the first serious time in their young "adulthood" where that was said.

And Pleng reacts as any young lesbian who is desperately in love with her best friend who she is too intimately attached to would ... she tries to kill herself.

Like holy shit.

Wan says "I hate you" one time—after Pleng very smugly declared that Wan was basically incapable of being annoyed with Pleng after Pleng's extremely controlling behavior, like seriously look at this smug ass face no wonder everyone hates her

this is the face of a girl who gets whatever she wants especially when it concerns her friend! the face of a girl used to always being in control!

but anyway! that's kind of the point isn't it? everyone hates her. her personality is kind of toxic and everyone, including her own parents, points it out to her. everyone hates her. except Wan (and her family ofc but they're not important rn). Wan doesn't hate her. and that relationship is so special to Pleng.

she wants to distance herself from Wan in an attempt to avoid her own feelings (and in effect avoid rejection from her feelings) but she also doesn't actually want distance or separation. not really. what she wants is to feel in control of herself and her feelings.

and Wan telling Pleng that she hates her—rejecting her when Wan is the ONLY person that sincerely loves and cares for Pleng—is fuckinh devastating and takes all that control away from her...

and she attempts to kill herself to escape that feeling and heartbreak.

like jfc these two girls are so messed up!

talk about your feelings goddammit!!! y'all can touch each other constantly and press your foreheads together and be naked in a tub together but you can't talk about your feelings???? fucking emotionally constipated lesbians

[theallianceofcelestials]

Okay, so apparently people have been harassing Kat, Earth's VA because they... don't like the characters she plays and how she writes for the show? The actual fuck?

Like don't get me wrong, perfectly fine to look at a character and decide you don't like them, even hate them potentially, but you don't go and harass the people responsible for making the character. That's just plain dumb. I hate/dislike characters from some of the shows (Bonnie from Moon and Sun Minecraft for example), but that doesn't give me the right to go and harass their VAs. BECAUSE IT'S JUST A CHARACTER FOR A SILLY LITTLE SHOW PEOPLE MAKE FOR FREE! IT'S NOT THAT SERIOUS! Sure I may rant about the character, but NEVER badmouth the actor, because them being able to achieve such a visceral reaction out of me by just looking at the character, makes them so incredibly talented.

Like how can you be so fucking terminally online, that you decide to harass someone because "I Don't LiKe ThE chaRacTeR"?! Like that's no valid reason to do that! Go and touch some god fucking grass, my god! I swear it's actually good for you!

Like this is just straight up disgusting behaviour in general. It's unacceptable, and shows just how much of a coward these people actually are, because there're no consequences for THEM. And well, they clearly don't fucking care about their fellow human beings, so like jfc.

And like the shit Kat does is for FREE! She doesn't charge us money for her services! She just went and did some amazing stuff for us, and now some idiots're feeling butthurt because they hate female characters or something.

I sincerely hope it was only a couple of individuals at worst, and a single person at best, because my faith in humanity is already rather fragile, and this is just ridiculous and pathetic.

So like, if by some miracle the person/people who harassed Kat is/are reading this, I want you to know this says more about to how sad and pathetic you actually are, and how you peaked back on the playground as a bully and didn't manage to develop into an actual fucking person, than it does anything about Kat. I hope you realise just how stupid you are, but I know you likely won't. Because people like you lack brains, so you can't comprehend basic fucking concepts like how the sky is blue, and 2 + 2 is 4. Or how grass is not your fucking enemy.

This isn't about just just Kat, because from what I've heard, other female characters' actresses get similar bs, and their characters get tremendous ammount of hate compared to male characters that potentially did incredibly horrid stuff, but I don't really follow the other TSBS to know what's going on. But my gods. That's so disappointing.

Why are fandoms nowadays so toxic? Back in my day, and I'm not that old myself either, and joined fandoms later than most people in said fandoms, since I'm a not native english speaker, but back in the day fandoms were so much more positive. Sure, there was the toxic minority, but they were just that. Loud small group of jerks. Like when did we start catering to these people? When did we decide that these toxic people were whom we should listen to, and explain every little thing we do to them? Like why do I have to explain why I like villian characters or whatever to internet strangers? I think people are more than smart enough to realise morality should not be taken from media!

And when did fanart and fanfic start becoming expectation, something the fanfic writer has to do, the fanart artist has to do? Instead it being the expression of joy and feelings the consumed media gave them? When did shipping become life or death? When did a headcanon or an AU become so fucking serious that lives apparently depend on it with how people jump eachother? Why can't we just relax and have fun? Like do what fandom is meant for?

This is obviously not for the people who didn't do any of this shit, but the fact I need to clarify that or someone will get offended is disheartening. Like people please deal with your anxieties! If it's not your shirt, don't put it on as a saying in my native tongue goes!

Sorry for the angry rant, it's just so disappointing, especially because Kat is such a talented person! I really enjoy how she plays these characters and I love her writing! So I thank her for deciding to not just quit altogether, no matter how understandable that would have been! I hope stepping back will make things better!

I just hope her mental health doesn't have to suffer more, because this shouldn't have happened to her in the first place. She's been doing amazing work, for free I'll say once again, and I'll forever cherish it! I hope things get better for her!

If by some miracle this reaches Kat, thank you for sticking with us for as long as you have! I hope things'll get better for you! Take care of yourself! :)

[linkyu]

tell me about your defense contract pleage

Oh boy!

To be fair, it's nothing grandiose, like, it wasn't about "a new missile blueprint" or whatever, but, just thinking about what it could have become? yeesh.

So, let's go.

For context, this is taking place in the early 2010s, where I was working as a dev and manager for a company that mostly did space stuff, but they had some defence and security contracts too.

One day we got a new contract though, which was... a weird one. It was state-auctioned, meaning that this was basically a homeland contract, but the main sponsor was Philip Morris. Yeah. The American cigarette company.

Why? Because the contract was essentially a crackdown on "illegal cigarette sales", but it was sold as a more general "war on drugs" contract.

For those unaware (because chances are, like me, you are a non-smoker), cigarette contraband is very much a thing. At the time, ~15% of cigarettes were sold illegally here (read: they were smuggled in and sold on the street).

And Phillip Morris wanted to stop that. After all, they're only a small company worth uhhh... oh JFC. Just a paltry 150 billion dollars. They need those extra dollars, you understand?

Anyway. So they sponsored a contract to the state, promising that "the technology used for this can be used to stop drug deals too". Also that "the state would benefit from the cigarettes part as well because smaller black market means more official sales means a higher tax revenue" (that has actually been proven true during the 2020 quarantine).

Anyway, here was the plan:

Phase 1 was to train a neural network and plug it in directly to the city's video-surveillance system, in order to detect illegal transactions as soon as they occur. Big brother who?

Phase 2 was to then track the people involved in said transaction throughout the city, based on their appearance and gait. You ever seen the Plainsight sheep counting video? Imagine something like this but with people. That data would then be relayed to police officers in the area.

So yeah, an automated CCTV-based tracking system. Because that's not setting a scary precedent.

So what do you do when you're in that position? Let me tell you. If you're thrust unknowingly, or against your will, into a project like this,

Note. The following is not a legal advice. In fact it's not even good advice. Do not attempt any of this unless you know you can't get caught, or that even if you are caught, the consequences are acceptable. Above all else, always have a backup plan if and when it backfires. Also don't do anything that can get you sued. Be reasonable.

Let me introduce you to the world of Corporate Sabotage! It's a funny form of striking, very effective in office environments.

Here's what I did:

First of all was the training data. We had extensive footage, but it needed to be marked manually for the training. Basically, just cropping the clips around the "transaction" and drawing some boxes on top of the "criminals". I was in charge of several batches of those. It helped that I was fast at it since I had video editing experience already. Well, let's just say that a good deal of those markings were... not very accurate.

Also, did you know that some video encodings are very slow to process by OpenCV, to the point of sometimes crashing? I'm sure the software is better at it nowadays though. So I did that to another portion of the data.

Unfortunately the training model itself was handled by a different company, so I couldn't do more about this.

Or could I?

I was the main person communicating with them, after all.

Enter: Miscommunication Master

In short (because this is already way too long), I became the most rigid person in the project. Like insisting on sharing the training data only on our own secure shared drive, which they didn't have access to yet. Or tracking down every single bug in the program and making weekly reports on those, which bogged down progress. Or asking for things to be done but without pointing at anyone in particular, so that no one actually did the thing. You know, classic manager incompetence. Except I couldn't be faulted, because after all, I was just "really serious about the security aspect of this project. And you don't want the state to learn that we've mishandled the data security of the project, do you, Jeff?"

A thousand little jabs like this, to slow down and delay the project.

At the end of it, after a full year on this project, we had.... a neural network full of false positives and a semi-working visualizer.

They said the project needed to be wrapped up in the next three months.

I said "damn, good luck with that! By the way my contract is up next month and I'm not renewing."

Last I heard, that city still doesn't have anything installed on their CCTV.

tl;dr: I used corporate sabotage to prevent automated surveillance to be implemented in a city--

hey hold on

wait

what

HEY ACTUALLY I DID SOME EXTRA RESEARCH TO SEE IF PHILLIP MORRIS TRIED THIS SHIT WITH ANOTHER COMPANY SINCE THEN AND WHAT THE FUCK

HUH??????

well what the fuck was all that even about then if they already own most of the black market???

[magpiefngrl]

2024 Book Review

In 2024 I read 80 books (including my current read); sort of average for me. My challenge this year was to 1. read the Vorkosigan saga, and 2. To read no (or very few) US authors besides Bujold, and I succeeded in both. The word I'd use to describe many of the books mentioned below is unusual. It wasn't intentional but a lot of these reads were weird (complimentary). I also reread a lot of books, such as CaPri (again!), Dark Rise/Heir, the first two novels of Lymond Chronicles and a great deal of KJ Charles romances.

The Vorkosigan Saga

A sci-fi space opera series of 16 novels plus several novellas, published from the 90s onwards. I read all of them, except one novella. Go me! It's a fantastic series and its reputation is well deserved. Some books were more exciting or to my taste than others, naturally, but they were all easy to read, well paced and well characterised. The stretch of books from Brothers in Arms to Civil Campaign was my fave. I tore through those novels in a few weeks. Mirror Dance, Memory and A Civil Campaign are some of my fave reads of the year.

9 other books that stood out

Vita Nostra by Marina and Sergey Dyachenko. JFC. What a novel. What a mindfuck. I didn't know what was happening most of the time but it sure was compelling. The story was weird as fuck, incomprehensible at times, with trippy magic, full of body horror and a menacing mood and dark academia vibes, and it was unlike anything I've read. It's a fantasy but not a typical one; it resists defining and needs to be experienced.

The Saint of Bright Doors by Vajra Chandrasekera. The second most exciting book of the year. An unusual, mesmerising fantasy with incredible worldbuilding and lush prose.

The Master and Margarita by Mikhail Bulgakov. Finally read this celebrated novel and it was nothing like I'd expected. Though, idk what I expected. Definitely a book that stays with you. I'm sure a lot of the references to the time period flew over my head. One to reread.

Faithful Place and The Secret Place by Tana French. Grouping these together as they feature the same characters. Tana French is a huge favourite of mine and I can't imagine reading a novel of hers that doesn't end on my fave-books-of-the-year list. Gorgeous prose and a deep dive into characters make her books less than typical murder mysteries.

Swimming in the Dark by Tomasz Jedrowski. An atmospheric, mesmerising read about young queer love, with beautiful, lyrical prose and a hefty dose of history. I loved the portrait of Poland in the 70s-80s.

The Will of the Many by James Islington. A fantasy novel I devoured within days. Some of its elements are very traditional fantasy (secret identity of main character, tough academy to attend, end of graduation big event to complete, Roman inspired architecture and names) but the worldbuilding with the Will as a measure of power and the Pyramids is unique and fascinating. This is a hefty 600+ page novel, but easy to read and briskly paced. I'm looking forward to the next installment.

The Vegetarian by Han Kang. A Kafkaesque novel, layered and deep, with an ambiguous ending. The kind of work that leaves one unsure, full of questions and barely-glimpsed thoughts like silent things swimming in dark water. I'm keen to read more from this author.

Dark Heir by CS Pacat. Last but not least is the sequel to Dark Rise. I enjoyed it a lot more than the first novel; and in fact, I immediately went back and reread Dark Rise and enjoyed that one more the second time round--and then I read Dark Heir again, just days after my first read. To say I'm gagging for the third novel is an understatement. This one got under my skin, guys.

KJC Sad War Boys reread

On a discord I used to belong to, some fans took all the characters KJC has created that used to be soldiers and ranked from least sad to most sad. I thought that was a perfect idea for a reread, and so I started with the Henchmen of Zenda (what a fun novel! And Jasper isn't much cut up about his army service) and moved on accordingly towards the one with the saddest war boy, which is also, as it happens, possibly my fave KJC romance.

Other Notable Reading Accomplishments

Finished The Witcher series! Hooray!

Finally read Aliette de Bodard's Dominion of the Fallen series, which I'd bought many years before. I can't say I loved the 3 main novels (though the worldbuilding was interesting) but I did enjoy the two novellas featuring a fab new ship: Stab Husband and Dragon Husband. I love these two so much. (The novellas are: Of Dragons, Feasts and Murders, and Of Charms, Ghosts and Grievances)

Read THREE new KJ Charles novels. We've been blessed this year.

I read 6 novels by Keigo Higashino, who writes murder mysteries unlike any I've read. Superbly plotted and always unusually structured.

Finally got around to reading my pal's (and former drarry author) YA novel, Tim Te Maro and the Subterranean Heartsick Blues, which was as delightful as I'd expected.

Some stats

I might have read 80 novels but not by 80 authors. I went over my spreadsheet and saw a lot of the same names popping up. I thought I'd make a count, so here goes: I read 19 books (novels and novellas) by Lois McMaster Bujold, 15 books by KJ Charles (mostly rereads), 6 by Keigo Higashino, 5 by Aliette de Bodard (plus a short story), and 5 by CS Pacat.

Onwards to 2025!

Previous years:

2015 2016 2019

first half of 2020 top 5 books of 2020

2021 2022 2023

[bloedewir]

few more times I read really strange posts about people getting mad because of certain da-stuff. that's kinda confusing because those people are spreading unholy energy everywhere they go. no, really, what's wrong with those who are: "ah, the game will be garbage because it's all about solavellan and Solas fans. BIoWARe EveN TAkE Da-KeEp AWAy BEcaUSe oF THat!!!".

are you freaking serious, delusional souls? there's literally nothing confirmed about solavellan content just the hopes of tired people who're looking forward to check if 10 years of their otp waiting would pay off. yes, Bioware making hints and winks to solavellans but it means ✨nothing✨ because they need to sell the game any way it's possible. there's no such thing as "canon romance" or "canon worldstate", nobody gonna make you build the Veilguard world around Inquisitor's romance you didn't choose. and yes, Solas has a great deal about the plot because - guess what? - he's freaking Fen'Harel. but game itself is not about him, he's just a known name Bioware using in promos because they can't spoil the whole plot entirely just to calm you down.

jfc.

23 days left

[theageofsims]

I'm having a really rough time and I really don't want to say anything, but at the same time I feel like I want to say something and I have like nowhere I can really say it because I feel like I don't know people personally in the community, but I also know I spend most of my time on Tumblr, some of the time, blogging my Sims so I felt like I could post this here rather than my personal blog.

I don't know how much more I can actually take.

I am doing the best I can with my diabetic and high blood pressure diagnosis after losing my dad to stomach cancer. And I get talked to like I'm a fucking idiot by my doctor who I have only had since September, at my physical today.

I am just sitting here at home like crying my fucking eyes out on and off since 11am this morning.

But I'm just fucking tired. I am mentally and emotionally tired after losing my dad in 2022, and dealing with my diagnosis for one year now.

I have had a fear of doctors since I literally came out of my mother's womb. She and my dad had the roughest time with me all through my youth and teenage years about going to the doctor while my older brother put them through NO hell about it.

I don't know where this fear came from, but I don't see it going away any time soon and each visit I have had since my diagnosis has been a terrible experience. And I have to go back every 3 to 4 months to check my sugar levels and my blood pressure and every last fucking thing.

I am tired of pricking my finger every single day. I am tired of taking my medicine. I am tired of the side effects. I am tired of the fucking blood pressure monitor. I am tired of it all.

Now it's off to the fucking eye doctor, then there, then here. I can't stand doctors and now you are forcing me to go to more doctors outside of my PCP office because "diabetes can mess with your eyes" and "check your feet because diabetes could take your limbs" -- I fucking know this. My mother's been a diabetic since I was 3 fucking years old. I've known how to deal with diabetes since I was 15, until at age 37 I now have to deal with it for myself and for the rest of my life.

I am just so fucking bent it's not even funny.

I am the lowest I have ever been in my life and honestly, I've felt pretty low during moments in my life for the amount of shit I've gone through. No matter how much effort I make, nothing is working. I try so fucking hard and nothing even moves in the right direction like I'm fucking cursed or something.

I feel lost and I feel alone and that's NOT the fucking person I am so that kills me inside. I never ask for help, I'm always there helping others.

Like literally everything, I blame myself for everything. It's like it's my fault I'm sick with these things. I know that's stupid and totally not true, but that's what I tell myself.

I am doing the best that I can do, but some days I just don't want to do it. Some days I'm just so slow going about everything.

I eat healthy. Sure I splurge like others, but since I've gotten sick? If I splurge for one meal once every month, it's a lot. I can't even fucking eat a piece of bread with a can of tuna without thinking what the bread might do to my sugar level.

It's like I love food so much and suddenly I'm like developing a fucking eating disorder over what every single piece of food could be doing to me.

I can't eat salt, I can't eat sugar. I can't eat fucking oatmeal. I can't eat cheerios. I can't even eat fucking wheat chex which is full of fiber. I can't eat fucking dairy. I can't eat fucking fruit.

I'm eating green veggies every single day and I can't seem to just be at normal fucking numbers or down to what they want me to be.

I've got side effects from the medication. I have to eat something with the medication. Now my entire system is slowing down so fiber up, but it still does nothing to move things along. Then I have to make sure I'm taking vitamins to supplement for all the shit the meds are depleting.

I'm fucking just tired of it all like JFC. I'm doing the literal best that I feel that I can do and I've got people coming at me like scolding me for shit that's not even my fucking fault and judging me.

Even my dad was a diabetic, but later on in his life. He was the one with the high blood pressure since he was like 29 years old -- and even that didn't kill him, the fucking stomach cancer did. The man ate healthier than anyone I knew once he hit like 55 years old -- and he fucking died of stomach cancer. Go fucking figure.

It's like you walk into the doctor's office and you get diagnosed with 5 things. They literally size you up and add shit to your chart you don't even want on there or you don't even know what they are.

It's like the dumbest shit to even say, but I sometimes feel like I've just been forgotten about. Like I'm being tested to see how much I can take before I just fucking crack and it's like I can't take any more. Maybe I could years ago or maybe I could before my dad died, but I can't take any more right now. I just want space and a fucking break so I can breathe and I feel like I'm being constantly monitored and forced to do shit that I don't want to do.

Anyone that knows how I blog here knows I'm a pretty silly and upbeat type of person -- and sarcastic as hell some of the time, too, but I'm really having a really tough time these days. I just try to put my best foot forward, but clearly, that isn't working at the moment.

I also hold a lot of stuff inside -- I always have since I was a kid so it's extremely painful for me to admit to how I honestly am feeling, but I'm just really down because I'm trying so fucking hard and it's like life just is like let's just fuck with her a little more and see how she does.

And through it all I can't call up my dad and be like hey Dad, can you believe this crap?! Or hey Dad, what should I do? Or hey Dad, how's the weather? I can't call him for any fucking thing anymore and that's a feeling I never expected to feel early into my life, and so suddenly.

I'm doing my best, but I'm also just fucking tired. Like something's got to give, but fucking when? I'm the most patient person in the world, but fuck -- when is something finally gonna fucking give?