#jesus fucking hris

[un-dead-alchemy]

Can somebody who has never seen Hunter X Hunter explain what the fuck is happening here?

[kthynes]

the caller you have reached (chris evans x reader)

pairing: chris evans x fem!reader

summary: chris was trying to drunkenly call the woman he loved and wanted to get back with but instead he reaches you, a shrink.

warning: swearing (sailor level), brief mentions of mental health

**IMPORTANT disclaimer: I won't be dabbling into the hard hitting topics of mental health in this short only because I'm not a certified health professional and so I can't be providing a written, unbiased, often characterized diagnosis towards any sort of mental health disorder because really, those types of sensitivities need proper care and output. With that being said, I do want to emphasize the notions of seeking help and not being afraid to seek help when needed. It's hard, but we all fight a battle and no battle is big or small or better or worse.

If my followers or readers do feel the need to privately chat with me, I'm here and I can you lend you an ear. Otherwise let's be kind and uplift another while we can. No harm in doing good and being better, that's for sure!

-end rant-

This short is dedicated to the following lovelies:

@princess-evans-addict

@mrs-djokovic

@slut-for-chris-evans

@saltyflowermakertaco

@bitchyslut99

@patzammit

@itskikiyooo

@maximeevansblog

Being a working adult is dreadful but the work you do is the most fulfilling kind of anarchy. You are a therapist, you work to heal and you work together with people who willingly reach out to you and your facility of care. There is that balance, the altering nuances in between that allows you to do what you do best. You advocate for good prosperity of mental health and accolade of teachable moments that fosters a safe space for your clients, not patients, but the people who deserve to be heard and not be medically categorized.

Your salubrious passion keeps you grounded. In your lifetime, you've seen the imperial impacts of poor mental health and it has been a detrimental drive in how you retreat and give back to a small found community.

"Okay." You exhale to yourself while leafing through another client chart. You're working off the clock, stuck in the renaissance of your homey office space while the outside world turns pitch black.

In the appropriate fields you jot down important takeaways from your last sit in session with heavy concertation and reasoning, you try to congregate a treatment plan all before you cellphone cries for you in venturous fashion.

"Hello?" You answer without checking the caller ID, tucking the device between your ear and shoulder so that way you could work and talk.

"Jenny!" The man boisterously shouts. "Jenny baby please talk to me! Let me make it up to you, let's just do this right, please. I'm fucked up here."

"I'm sorry but you have the wrong number." You infringe sounding like the posh, automated answering machine lady.

"Oh what the fuck Jenny — oh cah'mon don't do that, don't be like that baby." You re-verify a local number and it doesn't belong to anyone you know of. So you wonder who this man is but choose not to press further instead you tell him what is right from the knowing wrong.

"I'm not Jenny."

"Seriously?" He yells, forcing you to hold the phone away from your ear. "That can't be... This is—" He recites the number that is similar to yours but the last two digits are off.

"You got 42, not 53." It's an easy mistake to recall, a swipe of a drunken thumb could've mixed that up, so this time around, you're forgiving. Not that it happens often.

"Oh no. That's—" The mystery man trails, something about his voice discerns you, it's familiar but in a hindbrain way that you can't put a finger on. "Fuuuuuuuck."

"Wait hold on, hold up, is this Jenny's assistant, Nina?" You exhale sharply sometimes it takes more than one try and a side of convincing to get your point across and your passiveness was certainly to blame.

"No I'm not her assistant either."

"Then who the hell are you?" He exasperates. You make the snide mistake of telling him your name and he buffers for a bit.

"Oh. So you really aren't anyone of my concern then?"

"No." You mildly retort. "I wouldn't want to be anyways."

"Okay well I'm not sorry then because I'm here trying to reach my girlfriend and I can't get to her because I have you on the line being a smartass." With that accent of his you can tell he's a patriotic Bostonian. One of your own kind and that furloughs your need to engage in this mindless drivel, it wouldn't get you or him anywhere. At least that's what you tell yourself before shutting him down.

"Well then maybe you should learn to listen first, how about that?" You snap, dropping your pen before you note down angry nonsense into your actual work.

"Hey nowwww!" He yells as if he's trying to be Hank Kinsley.

"It's clear that you're drunk."

He brushes you off on the other end, enigmatic in what he wants you to know. "This is Chris Evans, you're talking to Chris-motherfucking-Evans, you hear?"

"I do now." You say tersely.

"Good." He huffs. "Good... Cause you know I'm in the middle of bumfuck nowhere and this is what I get. This is what I seemingly deserve, god you women I swear..."

Your face changes. You don't agree to be a lending ear but somehow Chris forces you to hear him out.

"I told her Y/N. I TOLD her that I wasn't ready to take the next step but that doesn't mean that I don't want to be with her. And now she throws it back in my face by getting with some other guy she once dated back in high school. And somehow, I'm supposed to be ok with it and move on, as she tells me. How the hell am I supposed to do that, huh?"

"I, um, I don't know what to tell you." You sigh somberly.

"Of course you don't!" His Boston twang begins to nerve you as there some remitting frequency of it. Hearing him obnoxiously go off, reminds you of all your shrewd New England exes who were his exact counterpart when soused. A ludicrous memory that you relive again with time and perfect harmony.

"Listen lady all I'm saying is that I fucked up. I know I did alright? I mean it doesn't take much denominational math and the plot of Lost in Translation to get that. I get it!"

Jesus. You whisper the lords name in vain as you lean your forehead against the palm of your hand while your elbow rested on top of the desk.

"So, let me get this straight, you think yelling at a random woman will help get further?" You question a little acutely for his liking.

"I don't know but it sure as hell takes off the heat, sweetheart." Something about a man calling you sweetheart grinds your gears and now your molars.

"Okay, alright, let's talk." You begin, sitting up a bit and tearing out a blank page from your memo pad; you were doing a late night consultation, a small hash out.

"Schuwaaaaa." Chris enunciates the word sure and to much of his mayhem, he’s sprawled out on the curbside, somewhere in the nowhere land of L.A. He contented but also upset and you were simply crashing his little pity party.

"What is it that you want from Jenny?" You professionally prod. "How about we start there."

"Wooooah, what is that we're doing here?” Chris gets mildly defensive with you. “I dunno you like that. If we're gonna talk then you'll have to get through my publicist first because right now I plead the fifth.”

You exhale a deep and fulsome breath. No one troubles you like him. It's sanctimoniously unnerving.

"I'm a shrink, my job isn’t meant to incriminate my clients well-being, or anyone else’s for that matter.” You address calmly. “So, if you do require some solicited advice then we can keep this call under strict confidence. You have my word, Mr. Evans and the paperwork that will follow shortly after this call.”

Silence. There is some shocking silence which is brief before you're catapulted with disbelief and more cackles. "Holy mother fucking shit. You're kidding me?"

"I can run you by my credentials if you’d like?” You mention stiffly.

"God I’ve reached a cuckoo hotline!" Wrong. That's a horrible thing to say and you'd think a man like him would've been more sensitive about his choice of words, inebriated or not.

"Far from it."

"Tell me something, alright? How many grown, adult men come crying to you?" Chris is edging with curiosity even though his eyes are betrayingly reddened after crying into a bottle of Dewars 18. He doesn't make that known to you and you never cared to ask.

"Enough to know that they cry." You simply state.

"Huh. So this is just another Tuesday for you then.” Chris scoff, the bottle making it to his lips and then swishing back down again.

"Comes with the territory except I don't tolerate drunkenness." You motely add. "Can you keep the bottle aside for the time being? Just until we're done here."

"That's understandable and oh yeah sure, sure, I won't touch it." You can hear the glass bottle 'clink' when coming into contact with the pavement.

"Now tell me about Jenny." You softly inquire.

"What do you wanna know? How we fuck or how we met?" Chris giggles like a naughty school yard boy.

"How did you two meet?" You slam the words urgently, nearly spelling out the cause.

"Oh! Oh. We met on the job." Chris chuckles punitively.

"Okay and did you guys connect instantly or was there a slow build up?" You involuntarily took notes for any PR rep of his that wanted solid evidence that would preside this call, cover your bases and your poor ass along with it.

"Instantly. Our chemistry read was off the charts." He explains with a slight hiccup. "Sorry."

"Great. So it was more so a work relationship that later grew into something more correct?"

"Pretty much."

"So when did you start developing feelings for her?"

"Um I'd say..." Chris tucks his chin, burps and then excuses himself before continuing. "Just before we wrapped up filming. But then I think somewhere in between all that I realized that she was my kind of girl, my... better half."

"And what made you come to that realization?"

"Well for one she has this infectious laugh that would have you laughing with her, there's that sound of beauty and pureness to it. And then with that, there were all the little things she'd do for me that made me think, like damn she's the one, she's it for me and that for better or for worse, I'd need her more than she'd ever need me."

Chris gets sad and you feel for him. Your pen stops moving when you were about to prescribe him some mind memory exercises. He was human. Humans hurt. Humans make mistakes. Humans stray but they also love. That's all Chris did. He loved with all of his heart to not expect the same love in return.

"You know Chris, we don't always get the love we deserve and sometimes its sucks. Sometimes you wanna kick it back with a bottle of Dewars 18 and shake your fists in the air." Chris quietly perks up at your choice of alcohol that you didn't know he was forcefully downing. He fashions a small half smile that you don't see but hear faintly. "But there's also a time and a place and things happen, people come apart, people get together, people do people and there's that fine line of letting life run its uneven course."

"I mean you sometimes have to not be okay to be okay again and I know that from my many years of helpful healing. It gets okay, never fully better and I think that's just how it is. You acknowledge your pain, your trauma and then you go on while being mindful of that transition."

"Wow."

"Hey, um, look, I actually have to get going. But if you can, just down the rest of that bottle and get yourself home."

"Are you sure?" Chris gawks.

"I mean you were already halfway through and it's not like I can physically stop you, right? And besides this is what I'm prescribing to you. I want you to acknowledge your pain, drink away your sorrows and then smash that bottle so you can be relieved from that trauma and hurt. After that you need to fix up and start new, have a mature conversation with her, if you can and then have your feet hitting the ground again. Don't fall into the routine of heartbreak even if it becomes too hard, you hear me?"

"Loud and clear."

"Good." You sniff and start to put things away. "I know you're a good guy Chris, from how you are on TV and in interviews, I'm amazed by how articulate you are. You have the right mindset so I have no doubts that you'll fall back in any way. But if you do, please don't hesitate to reach out, I might have to hand you off to another cohort but nonetheless it can be worked out even if it does feel like you might be sparring on your own. You'll get the help you need."

"Great, thanks." Chris responds in his conscious state of thought. He feels pathetic with himself and that doesn't have you galling over the fact, instead you let him be.

"Do you need me to order you an Uber? Cab? Call a friend for ya?" You laugh easily and Chris hears it clearly, smiling in return.

"An Uber would be nice. I'll try to share you my location."

"Sure, on me and that'd be great."

"Thanks."

"No problem... And your ride should be here in two minutes, just look out for Raul in black Elantra." You inform him after checking your phone.

"Nice."

"You have a goodnight now Chris."

"You too." The line cuts and you're given a piece of your life back. You gather your belongings, flip off the light switch and make your way home. There's some truth and some brokenness in every situation. You knew Chris was going to be OK even if he didn't consult you afterwards. For you, there was no need. He's a smart man and he proves this over a prolonged period of time when he finally finds himself back on the market and then eventually in a relationship with a faceless and very loving woman from his own hometown.

He was finally happy, making you serendipitously glad that you were the caller he had reached.

[liarsweapon]

k ima be stuck in red lights for awhile honestly whAT THE FUCK

this is gonna be spoiler heavy, tbh, thats why its in a read more, so you cant yell atme if you read it

ill do the upside first bc i can

main four actors: gorgeous, amazing, deserved bettter

set design was amazing, honestly, i have some issues but like, majority, great, looks exactly like the games

one good re/dfields sibling moment. Maybe two. But the first was… iffy, honestly.

great cl/eon content, decent c/hris lining for jill content.

thats… all i got

the birkins???? they could have literally just not included them at that rate, they cut william down, made annette.. basically a pointless bystander, and sherry??? barely existed??? THE POINT????

the leon slander… you fuckers, hired a/van j/ogia, a gorgeous specimin of a man, and turned leon into nothing more than a fucking joke???? are you fucking kidding me???

chris and claires backstory… jesus christ, my chris is cringing, claire is angry. They basically said william was dragging child claire to the underground lab to experiment on her (william was??? in charge of the orphanage???? he didnt even know who wesker was??? scuse me????) and she ran away WITHOUT CHRIS???? no, no, no

a: chris telling claire to get out of his life because ‘birkin and umbrella were there for me when you werent’ no, he’d never do that to her. SHE WOULD NEVER ABANDON HIM. THATS UTTER CUCKING BULLSHIT AND I HATE IT

the end credit scene with wesker and ada… i… just dont, just dont, thats, no

the whole ‘jill has eyes for wesker’ shit, i.. no. Like it feels like they did that so when they do future movies based on the games, itll ‘be more emotional’ when he fucking violates her by attaching the device to her chest and making her a weapon, and thats gross.

claire, despite being a badass, it felt like they tried too hard to make her edgy. a d then couldnt even put the made in heaven on ber jacket???

leons relationship as a big brother to sherry, they replaced it with chris. Also, they rescued her int two seconds.

it felt like they tried way too hard to make chief irons not look horrible. it failed, he still looks bad, but i guess hes ‘not hitting a woman and kidnapping a child’ bad, if thats supposed to make him better.

literally they could have cut sherry and annette entirely. The entire purpose of their characters, and ada tbh she didnt need to be in the end credits at all they already completely disregarded her storyline when they disregarded leons in favor of making him a fucking joke and having her not apprar at all furing the film until the end, it was pointless. Its like theyre trying to say weskers what jill is later on, when thats not how it works

also again, cARLOS ERASURE. They did have Leon quote Carlos, and used a few carlos and jill moments for leon and jill, further telling me that they hired Avan as leon, to pretend leon and carlos are the dame person. Im not chill w that. Enough of the carlos erasure.

i just, idk, i have hundreds more thoughts, some positive, most negative, the bar was on the fucking ground okay. Mabe out of a 10, it can have a 2 because of actors and set design. Maybe.

Also, the entirety of Chris… im mad at. I fucking love R/obbie A/mell and they;; still turned chris;;; into;;; that;;; im mad, im just mad

also, wesker and birkin… they dont know each other suddenly. birkins apparently a mastermind now essentilly, its just, its dumb

theres some ideas they had that could have been great, theu just sucked at executing them.

[fat-rolls-frictions]

jesus on a stick

C HRI ST O N A DIC K

my fave variant of that-one-person-01’s: fuck me sideways in the ass with a fucking cactus

you sENTIENT LAMP

goddamnit you fucking waste of organic matter

honk honk natural selection is coming bitch

creative curses i like using

shut the hell your mouth

billions of bilious blistering barnacles

what the goose

pirates!

bloody hell

slutbags

motherhugger

lord farquaad

great snakes!

crikey

well i’ll be a bitch

flippity flop you’re a cock

well butter my buns and call me betty crocker

dusty doughnuts

kiss my sass

daily doses of dingleberries

[yourbrokenreality]

Chris Cornell Ritually Murdered as Tribute for Bavarian Illuminati’s 241st Birthday + NBA Finals Sacrifice - May 17, 2017

Hanged himself but died suddenly and cause of death was unknown?  That makes absolutely no sense.

So two cases of musicians dying at a Fox Theatre, both deaths connected to The Bavarian Illuminati.  It is impossible for this to be a coincidence.  Who the fuck is Colonel Bruce Hampton?  He is an insignificant musician, clearly his death did not have to be reported.

Died on his BIRTHDAY on the 241st BIRTHDAY of THE BAVARIAN ILLUMINATI

11:08 length of course

Dead at 52 Government = 52 Prophecy = 52

Exactly 43 weeks from his 52nd birthday.  That is 9 months and 27 days.  Ritual = 27.  2+7 = 9 so it becomes 9 and 9, or 99, connecting back to 13.

211 update...211, the 47th prime. That’s also 14:11, which breaks down to 5:11. Saturn = 511 (Jewish)

Look at the CBB, or 322.

And the 50 second video...

347, the 69th prime.

379, the 75th prime.

It is reported Chris Cornell committed suicide.

Saturn = 119 (Francis Bacon)

Col. Bruce  Hampton died on his 70th birthday.

Chris Cornell’s late friend Andrew Wood was murdered by your Federal Government exactly 70 days from Wood’s 24th birthday.

*don’t forget this is a span of 71 days, that death number...

Dog and God have the same exact gematria in every single cipher (unless some unknown one that takes into account the order of the letters).

Mason = 26 = God ��Temple of the Mason”

Date numerology of the release date of their only album.

Death = 20, 4 a number of death, Revelation = 121, Blood Sacrifice = 121, Prophecy = 106

151 the 36th prime.  666 the 36th triangular number. 6*6*6 = 216.

The band toured in 2016 (216) in celebration of the 25th anniversary (Death = 25, Time = 25) of their ‘91 self-titled album.  91, the 13th triangular number.

70 days is also 2 months and 11 days, the 47th prime again.

Mason = 211 (Jewish)

Look at the date numerology of Andrew Wood’s death.

Died in 199, the 46th prime (Sacrifice = 46)

Exactly 43 days before the Bavarian Illuminati’s 214th birthday, a slight reshuffling of 241, just like how both men’s full names have that same last-two-digit reshuffling pattern in Reverse Ordinal.

Died 1 month 12 days (112) from their birthday on a date with 112 numerology. Mathematics = 112 EO Zionist = 112 EO Circle = 112 RO

112, the alt emergency dialing code.

Don’t ignore the 6 weeks and 1 day (61, the 18th prime, God/Jesus = 61)

Counting the end date is a span of 44 days, 1 month 13 days (113 = Dishonest), and 6 weeks 2 days (Sacrifice = 62, Mason = 62)

Writing out the numbers in the Bavarian Birthdays...

Chris Cornell’s first solo album is Euphoria Morning.

Released September 21, 1999.  9/21 => 9/3 Saturn = 93 (English Ordinal)

Adam Weishaupt, one of the founders of the Bavarian Illuminati, died in 1830.

Order out of Chaos = 84 (Single Reduction) Order out of Chaos = 62 (Septenary)

Look at the ‘New World Order’ gematria too, especially in the Jewish ciphers.

The Bavarian Illuminati was founded May 1, 1776 with 13 families.  A date with 99 numerology.

5/1/1776 => 5+1+17+76 = 99

 This is his last studio album, released  September 18, 2015 9/18 => 9/(1+8) => 9/9 = 99

Also a date with 53 numerology. 9+1+8+(20+15) = 53

Look at the 13 sun rays and pyramid, like the reverse of the USA Great Seal...

Thirteen = 45 (Full Reduction) Ritual = 45 (Full Reduction) Murder = 26 (Septenary) Sacrifice = 62 (Reverse Reduction)

Let’s examine the last track off his final studio album.

419, the 81st prime number.

Chris Cornell born 20/7

May 1, 2017 was the Bavarian Illuminati’s 241st birthday.

Chris Cornell (CC => 33) died on May 17th in 2017, the 137th day of the year.

It was a date with 59 numerology.

5/17/2017 => 5+17+20+17 = 59

He died on the 137th day of the year.  137 is the 33rd prime number.  It is a day with 228 days remaining.

Died in Detroit, Michigan.

Numbers all connecting to killing, 13 (The Bavarian Illuminati), ritual, Blood Sacrifice, The New England Patriots/Tom Brady

Two Hundred Forty-One = 83/250

Died 64 days before his upcoming 53rd birthday.  241, the 53rd prime. Born in ‘64

DM => 44 (Kill)

Primary songwriter and rhythm guitarist of Soundgarden.  Reportedly, he died suddenly right after a Soundgarden concert in Detroit.

Wardell = 42, Nigger = 42

Wardell = 5+1+9+4+5+3+3 = 30, wears #30. Saturn = 30

$1 + $2 + $5 + $10 + $20 + $50 + $100 = $188

*died exactly 101 days (14 weeks 3 days) from Super Bowl 51 which concluded the 97th season.

May 1, 2017 was the Bavarian Illuminati’s 241st birthday.  241 is the 53rd prime, 53 is the 16th prime.  Chris Cornell, murdered exactly 16 days later.

Tweeted at 10:06, which is just 16.

This was also 2 weeks and 2 days, or 22, the master builder number.  As this was also a sacrifice for the upcoming NBA Finals, it must be noted:

Died on 5/17 => 5+17 = 22

The Bavarian Illuminati was started with 13 families.  91 is the 13th triangular number.  Chris Cornell was murdered 9 weeks and 1 day from his upcoming 53rd birthday.

Also 64 days.  46 is its reflection.  Sacrifice = 46

Detroit, Michigan = 64 (Septenary) Stephen Curry = 64 (Full Reduction)

May 17, 2017 is a date with a life lesson number of 32. 5/17/2017 => 5+17+(2+0+1+7) = 32

He died exactly 32 days from Game 7 of the 2017 NBA Finals.

This is also 4 weeks and 4 days, or 44.

Chris Cornell died exactly 607 days from the release of his last solo album, Higher Truth.

This is also 1 year, 7 months, 29 days. 2+9 is 11, giving you the 1711, the 58th triangular number.

The reflection of 241, the ‘age’ of the Bavarian Illuminati.

Higher Truth was released on a date with the following numerology:

Ritual = 27 Sacrifice = 62 Murder = 26 (Septenary)

A date with 53 numerology! Remember, this is all for the 241st birthday of the Bavarian Illuminati, 241, the 53rd prime number!!

And of course, the 42 numerology for the branding.

Freemason = 42

Like Higher Truth

Look at the album cover...13 sun rays with ‘eye’ in middle...and a pyramid...

The Bavarian Illuminati, founded with 13 families.  Look at all the 13 in American history.

USA = 41 (English Ordinal), the 13th prime.

As for the rocket logo...

http://www.cnn.com/2017/05/18/entertainment/chris-cornell-dead/index.html http://www.cnn.com/2017/05/18/entertainment/chris-cornell-led-zeppelin-in-my-time-of-dying-trnd/index.html http://www.cbs46.com/story/35319976/musician-dies-on-stage-at-fox-theatre https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chris_Cornell https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Andrew_Wood_(singer)