#jessie gender fuck off challenge

[fdelopera]

Bigoted white Karen with a large online platform produces an overly long YouTube video where she spreads lies, conspiracy theories, and slander against an ethnic minority group that has been persecuted for over 2000 years. When she is called out for her bigotry, she doubles down and produces a four-hour hit piece against this ethnic minority group, which is riddled with disinformation, mistakes, and more lies.

Then when she's called out again on this four-hour rant, she pulls the "I have a ____ friend," and she claims that she consulted with two members of the ethnic minority group that she is slandering. Like a fucking coward, this white Karen hides behind the two people she claims to have spoken to. Moreover, she refuses to see the bigotry in tokenizing the two members of this ethnic minority group who agree with her white Karen ass.

Then when this white Karen is called out even further for spreading bigoted disinformation, she pulls a James Somerton, and she starts deleting parts of her videos without apologizing for the harm she has caused. And like James Somerton, she also deletes comments from people who point out her lies.

This is a clear-cut case of a bigoted white woman with a large online following trying to slander an ethnic minority group.

.

What I am describing, of course, is Jessie Gender's recent Jew-hate diatribes on her YouTube channel, but I have written it in a way that YOU, dear reader, get to find out if you are an antisemitic bigot too.

Read the above paragraphs knowing that I am talking about Jews, and see how you react.

Do you acknowledge that Jessie Gender's videos are filled with antisemitic bigotry and disinformation? Or do you equivocate and make excuses for her, once you know that I'm talking about Jews?

.

Dear reader, I am giving you an opportunity to learn from Jessie's mistakes. The best way to combat bigotry is to do exactly the opposite of what Jessie has done. Here are five suggestions:

1) Acknowledge that you are engaging in antisemitic bigotry. Admitting your own deeply rooted prejudice against Jews can sometimes be the hardest part. The very first step in combatting bigotry is to say (and mean!) five important words: "I'm. Sorry. I. Was. Wrong."

2) Don't tokenize Jews. Don't just look for two Jews who agree with your bigoted viewpoints. Instead, actually talk to many different Jews, including many Israeli Jews, to get a nuanced perspective of the struggles that Jewish people face.

3) When Jewish people (who are not the Jews you've tokenized) tell you, "Hey, you're being a bigot," actually listen to us! Don't discount us. Strive to learn from us. Don't double down on your prejudice.

4) Combat your own egotism. If you are an egotistical asshole like Jessie, when someone tells you, "Hey, you're being a bigot, and your bigotry is putting Jewish people's lives in danger," your first response may be to say, "No I'm not! How dare you call me a bigot!" This is a knee-jerk reply, and it comes from a place of hubris. Instead of doubling down, learn how to apologize. Then do the active work to listen to Jews so that you're not contributing to the Jew-hate that we face.

Remember, the five words that an egotistical person like Jessie struggles to say are: "I'm sorry. I was wrong." Don't be like Jessie. Be better.

5) Look at the company you are keeping. Maybe you're hanging out with Leftists who have secretly been watching Neo-Nazi videos, and they've been feeding you antisemitic talking points that actually come from far-right white supremacists like David Duke and Richard Spencer. Or maybe your Leftist friends have been scraping their Jew-hate rhetoric from Protocols of the Elders of Zion, which is still used as a textbook throughout the Arab world. Or worse, maybe your Leftist friends have stolen their ideas word-for-word from Hitler's Mein Kampf.

If you spout Nazi rhetoric (and so many of you Hamasniks sound EXACTLY like Hitler), then guess what! Congratulations! You are a Jew-hating bigot!

This is a quote from Hitler's Mein Kampf, from 1925. And it could just as easily come from the mouth of a Hamasnik as it could from a Neo-Nazi today. Next year, it will be 100 years since Mein Kampf was published, and it feels like the Hamasnik movement has dragged us full circle, back to Nazi Germany:

The Jews domination in the state seems so assured that now not only can he call himself a Jew again, but he ruthlessly admits his ultimate national and political designs. A section of his race openly owns itself to be a foreign people, yet even here they lie. For while the Zionists try to make the rest of the world believe that the national consciousness of the Jew finds its satisfaction in the creation of a Palestinian state [aka a Jewish State in the British Mandate of Palestine -- 99 years ago in 1925, when Hitler published Mein Kampf, Jews in Eretz Yisrael were called Palestinians], the Jews again slyly dupe the dumb Goyim. It doesn’t even enter their heads to build up a Jewish State in Palestine [again, Palestine was the word Hitler was using for the British Mandate of Palestine, aka Eretz Yisrael] for the purpose of living there; all they want is a central organization for their international world swindle, endowed with its own sovereign rights and removed from the intervention of other states: a haven for convicted scoundrels and a university for budding crooks. - Adolf Hitler, Mein Kampf

Yo Jessie Gender! Guess what, there's a cure if you find yourself sounding like Hitler! It's called EDUCATE YOUR DAMN SELF, YOU FUCKING BIGOT.

In conclusion, if you find yourself being a Jew-hating bigot on main, just remember this: the first step in overcoming your antisemitic prejudice is ADMITTING that you are a bigot.

Use Jessie's example as a warning. When people call you out for spreading Jew-hate and putting Jewish lives around the world in danger, don't double down. Instead, begin by saying these five vital words: "I'm sorry. I was wrong."

[occasionally-gives-a-damn]

BASICS.

full name.   Jessica Campbell Jones pronunciation.  phonetically. nickname(s).  Jess, Jessie, Jones, Freak, Super-lady, Sherlock, Time-bomb, Super Joan Jett, Top-shelf pervert. gender. Female height.  5ft 9 age.  31 zodiac.  Scorpio spoken languages. English, some Spanish.

 PHYSICAL CHARACTERISTICS.

hair color.  Black

eye color.  Dark Brown skin tone.  Fair body type.   Slim / Athletic accent.  New York Metropolitan Accent voice.  Dry, monotonous, sarcastic, flat. dominant hand.  Right posture.  Could be better scars. Scar running along the back of her left ear, scar on abdomen from surgery, numerous other smaller scars from fights/car crash across her body. tattoos.  None birthmarks.  None most noticeable feature(s). Smells like she bathes in bourbon. Judgemental stare.

CHILDHOOD.

place of birth.  Forest Hills, Queens, New York City  hometown.   Forest Hills, Queens, New York City 

birth weight.  unknown. birth height.  unknown. first words.  ‘No.’ siblings.   Philip Campbell- Younger brother (deceased) parents.  Brian Campbell (deceased), Alisa Jones (deceased) parental involvement.  Both believed to have died in a car crash when Jessica was 14 years of age, Jessica was later briefly reunited with her mother who had actually survived but was severely brain damaged. She was later killed in front of Jessica.  

ADULT LIFE.

occupation.  Private Investigator close friends / family. Trish Walker (adopted sister), Dorothy Walker (adoptive mother), Danielle Cage (Daughter/ AU dependant), Matthew Murdock, Luke Cage, Danny Rand, Malcolm Ducasse, Roman, Foggy Nelson.

relationship status.  Varies by verse financial status.  Not as good as it could be. driver’s license.  No criminal record.  Yes

MISCELLANEOUS.

character’s theme song.  Smile More- Deap Vally hobbies to pass time.  Drinking, Getting drunk, meaningless sex, getting engrossed in a case, avoiding therapy like the plague, drunk facetimes with Danny Rand. mental illnesses.  PTSD, Depression physical illnesses.  Alcoholic (listen alcoholism fucks you up physically), somewhat immune-suppressed from not having a spleen. left or right-brained.  Left self-confidence level.  Middle of the line

SEX & ROMANCE.

sexual orientation.  Straight romantic orientation.    Frayromantic – (Someone who experiences romantic attraction towards strangers/people you are less familiar with, which fades away when you get to know them more) preferred emotional role.  submissive | dominant | switch preferred sexual role.  submissive | dominant | switch libido.  High. turn on’s.  Powered people, Suggestive flirting, Sparring, Affectionate gestures turning rough, Genuine expressions of love and affection, Kissing, Healthy competition, People who are able to handle her strength/challenge/compete with it. turn off’s.  Dirty talk, Degradation, Being told to smile, Drug usage, People not taking ‘no’ for an answer, being totally overpowered. love language.  Jessica’s Love Language: Acts of Service.

Love language that appeals to Jessica: Acts of service/words of affirmation

relationship tendencies. Very much a closed book for a good portion of time, there will always be elements of herself, her past, her secrets that Jess will keep regardless of the person. Jess has a tendency to be hot-headed, particularly with people who demand the honesty and closeness that comes with a relationship. When the going gets tough, she struggles with asking for help or working with people, often opting to shut others out and isolate herself. Despite these negative traits she expresses ferocious loyalty to those she eventually places her trust in and will put her neck on the line to stand by them.

Tagged by: @holyxdefender

Tagging: @obsessionsarenotforheroes (Kilgrave) @huntingbounties @exanxmo @sheeradrenaline

[jjcnesarchive]

► GENERAL INFORMATION

FULL NAME: jessica campbell jones NICKNAME(S): jess, jessie ( by kilgrave only ), the sandwich, p.i. lady, superhuman joan jett CURRENT TEAM(S): alias investigations  AGE: 33 DATE OF BIRTH: june 23rd, 1985 GENDER IDENTITY: cisgender female SEXUALITY:  bisexual NATIONALITY:  american ETHNICITY: caucasian 

► APPEARANCE

FACE CLAIM: krysten ritter HEIGHT: 5′9″ RECOGNIZABLE FEATURES: none HAIR COLOR: black EYE COLOR: hazel ACCENT: americaan SCARS: one on her abdomen from her spleen removal, one on her hand from a knife TATTOOS: none

► BACKGROUND

HOMETOWN: caldwell, new jersey ( higgens drive // birch street ) CURRENT HOME: hells kitchen, nyc FINANCIAL STATUS: business owner able to sustain an alcohol addiction EDUCATION LEVEL: high school, dropped out of college CONVICTION(S): one uncharged count of murder, aiding a fugitive SPOKEN LANGUAGE(S): english PAST OCCUPATION: defender, sandwich sign shaker,  CURRENT OCCUPATION: alias investigations p.i. RELIGION: atheist  SNAP STATUS: snapped

► RELATIONS

FATHER: brian jones ( deceased ) MOTHER: alisa jones ( deceased ), dorothy walker ( legal guardian - deceased ) SIBLING(S): trish walker ( adopted sister ) PARTNER(S): luke cage ( ex ), erik gelden ( maybe more than a fling ) CHILDREN: n/a BEST FRIEND: trish walker - it’s complicated. ADVERSARY: kevin kilgrave ( deceased )

► EXTRA INFORMATION

HOROSCOPE: cancer JUNG TYPE: istp ( the virtuoso ) ENNEAGRAM: 8 ( challenger ) MORAL ALIGNMENT: chaotic good SIN: wrath VIRTUE: humility MOTTO: occasionally, i give a damn THEME SONG: she used to be mine - sara barellies

► PERSONALITY

POSITIVE TRAITS: determined, anticipative, empathetic NEGATIVE TRAITS: secretive, forceful, moody

► HEADCANONS/FUN FACTS

she won’t admit it to herself, but jessica was beginning to think that maybe, just maybe, she could be a hero when kilgrave came into her life. after that she realized she couldn’t save herself, let alone anyone else

jessica became pregnant with kilgrave’s child but ended it after she escaped from him, a difficult choice that she was never certain about. she later envied how easy the choice was for hope even though she supported her. the full meta on it is here.

after she got away from kilgrave, jessica felt like she had to cut ties with trish. she hadn’t been a hero, she’d been a failure, and she couldn’t stand to see the pity on her friends face. she had always been the one to protect trish, help her get clean, and she couldn’t bear knowing that trish would know about what had happened to her. so, she shut her out. she didn’t let trish see how she fell apart after she had tried to help trish get together. she planned on calling one day when she was ‘over it’, but the more she drank the longer time stretched on and eventually she was too embarrassed and didn’t know what to say

jessica was a social drinker before kilgrave. after she walked away from reva’s murder in a daze and didn’t know what to do. she walked into her apartment that had been sitting empty and drank the only non-expired thing in here: some alcohol. she didn’t stop after that. even though she became a functional alcoholic, jessica never considered other drugs

she struggled to call herself an alcoholic, even when she was one. she was just ‘coping’

after escaping from kilgrave, jessica would stand for hours in the shower trying to wash the feeling of him off of her but she never could

the p.i. thing kind of just happened it was a welcomed distraction for jessica to focus on how ruined everyone’s lives were instead of her own.

post kilgrave she threw out all dresses she owned and bought two pairs of jeans, a sweatshirt and a few other basics from a thrift store to get as far away from the dress up that kilgrave had forced her into

she has a strong aversion to the color purple

jessica breaks a phone cord at least once a week

jessica jones loved patricia walker more than she loves herself. it’s not a romantic love but platonic, one coming from two people who grew up defending each other. she would shoot herself in the head if it meant keeping trish safe. trish always saw the best in her, even when she couldn’t see it herself.

she still loves trish, but it’s harder now. different. she sees trish and remembers how she killed her mother and jessica feels like she’s lost all of her family now. she didn’t quit on trish and refused to kill her, even though it meant trish attacked and injured her.

upon returning from the snap jessica tried to hunt down trish but the two haven’t reconnected yet

she thinks her anger management treatment is stupid so she has not yet attempted to get any kind of help for her ptsd

fighting ninjas was the dumbest shit ever but she knew she had to

the anniversary of hope’s death is one of the hardest times of the year for her

losing matt murdock had a strange effect on jess: she realized she should have died as less people cared about her and he was actually doing good for others. now the asshole is back. whatever.

she didn’t know what a spleen was until she lost hers and she’s really fucking pissed about it.

► WANTED CONNECTIONS

trish walker

matt murdock

luke cage

[neilmillerne]

{#TransparentTuesday} Boy Jessi + Girl Jessi: What Gender Identity Has to Do With Body Image

Today we’re going to talk about gender.

Something I’ve noticed coming up a LOT in my webinars and coaching calls lately is the question of what it means to be female, and what to do when being “female” doesn’t quite feel right.

Now, I (like you, probably) grew up in a gender binary system. Our options used to be male, female, or “transexual.” Some men liked crossdressing and some lesbians liked looking butch, but gender and sex were basically the same thing and we were expected to like it.

In recent years, culture has changed to reflect a different understanding of gender, and I’ve changed along with it.

It is now widely recognized that sex is assigned at birth based on genitalia, while gender is the identity a person resonates with. That no longer means each person has to check the box next to “male” or “female,” either.

We have only begun to scratch the surface of recognizing intersex people, non-binary individuals, gender-fluid and gender-queer people, and more.

Gender identity and gender expression have created a whole new landscape for us to consider ourselves, our identities, and our bodies, as well as our beliefs about how things “should” be and where we have hang-ups. (Note: If you find this whole conversation ridiculous, offensive, or annoying, I humbly suggest you have some major hangups.)

So what does this new gender landscape have to do with body image?

Fucking EVERYTHING.

When I look back on my life, having been born into an unambiguously female body, I can see that the vast majority of my personal body shame and hatred came from the fact that I did not want to be female.

I had an older brother, and I was always EXTREMELY aware of how differently we were treated. From a very young age,I felt existentially cheated, and angry. He could run and show off and be difficult and get dirty and be forgiven for being an entitled dick sometimes (sorry Ben), while I was expected to be helpful, nice, calm, pretty, and polite.

Before I could even read or write I was aware that being a boy was indisputably better, and being a girl was indisputably worse. I was mad that I had to be a girl just because my stupid body said so, and I was mad that everyone treated me like one as if they couldn’t tell it didn’t suit me.

Questions I’ve asked myself a lot, as I process this experience within our new non-binary gender landscape:

How much of my resentment came from living in a sexist patriarchy, and how much was my inherent gender identity?

How much of my resentment came from an intuitive (and accurate) understanding that girls are more vulnerable targets, and that I was unsafe?

I’ll never know the answers.

My parents didn’t buy into gender roles the way some people did, thank goodness, so many of the messages I got about gender roles came from elsewhere, but they came nonetheless. My parents proudly empowered me to do and be whatever I wanted, which was great, but what I wanted was to be a boy, and that wasn’t on the table.

Examining and choosing my own gender identity wasn’t an option at the time. So a girl I stayed, and then I hit puberty and became a “woman” and I hated every fucking second of it.

I hated my breasts. I hated my vagina and the fact that I had periods and could get pregnant and had to take birth control. I hated that I was supposed to like girly stuff and supposed to want to get married and grow babies inside my body (NO THANK YOU) and generally just be something I wasn’t.

I hated the gross attention from men.

I hated the unfairness of how we females got treated, and the stories from history of how women had to work so hard to convince everyone that we were worthy of the vote, or physically capable of running a marathon. I hated that even today sexism and misogyny are alive and well, but also completely invisible to most straight men, who have the privilege of not being affected by it.

I hated how boys were taught to be entitled dicks whose only job in life was to convince girls to put out. I hated the fact that I had been initiated into my sexuality at the age of 7 by an older boy who felt like my female body existed for his pleasure.

I hated myself for being female, I hated my body for being female, and I was in an enormous amount of pain.

I was, however, way too others-conscious to do anything about this.

My boobs were huge, and I was a good kid from a good family in a hyper conservative town who wasn’t about to screw up my whole life by calling myself a boy when I obviously wasn’t a boy. No fucking way. Even if I’d had the language around gender expression we have now, I wouldn’t have risked being seen that way.

Instead, I learned to wield my female body like a weapon. I learned how to control everything, especially boys and men. I tried to find an identity that fit me while living in a body I resented, and the parts of my body that I hated the most were the ones that gave away my femaleness: my curves, my softness, my breasts.

I obsessively focused on my flaws, distracting myself with the wild goose chase of pursuing “body perfection” while trying to harden, tighten, and erase all the most female parts of me.

Looking back, I can see that many of these feelings were the result of terror and rage. Crushed under the weight of centuries of unequal treatment, I was afraid for my safety, and angry at the situation.

Being female in this world is scary, and unfair, and painful.

I’ve done a lot of work to heal my relationship with my body and my gender since then, and I’ve even come to love being a woman in some ways.

But I do so wish I’d had the freedom back then to NOT identify as female, without stigma, as I sorted through the experience of being in this body.

I’ve never felt a need to talk about gender identity before, although I’ve been slowly processing my own for years.

However, someone recently asked if my coaching program was open to people who weren’t sure if they identified as male or female or what, and I realized I’ve been doing a major disservice to the conversation on body image by not discussing gender.

So I’d like to make a few things clear:

Your sex is assigned at birth, and your gender is how you identify, based on what feels right for you.

Gender is no longer a male/female binary.

If everyone agrees respects everyone else’s gender identity without judgement than more people can explore themselves and their identity in a way that makes them feel safe, authentic, and accepted for who they are.

Body image and gender identity/expression are deeply interconnected, and for many women (even if they identify as fully female) this is a topic that needs to be discussed, considered, explored, and healed.

Please understand, this is absolutely terrifying for me to write, but I believe in transparency and I believe we need to talk about this.

Years ago, I told my best friend I was a boy sometimes.

I had been consciously exploring my own femininity for a while, and had committed to wearing dresses for an entire summer to see if I could face my distaste for female-ness head on.

I told him that I was doing it because deep down there is a boy Jessi and a girl Jessi, and that I was trying to get girl Jessi to show up more by making her feel welcome.

He gave me a look I’ll never forget, nodded supportively, and said “Wow… how does that feel to say out loud?”

It felt… liberating. Embarrassing. Exhilarating. Ridiculous. Glorious.

There is a Boy Jessi and a Girl Jessi!! It felt so hilariously and obviously true. I couldn’t believe I’d never let myself say that before.

In the years since, I have welcomed Woman Jessi, too. (Interestingly, I never feel like a Man. Just a Boy, Girl, or Woman.) Some days I feel more one or the other, and most days I feel like a blend.

When I started to write this, I had no intention of getting so personal or vulnerable. I actually had to stop midway through, to tremble and cry and come up with a thousand reasons not to send this. (It might not feel like a big reveal to you, but it sure as hell feels like one to me.)

But here you are reading it anyway.

My hope is that this helps us all open up a better, more nuanced, and compassionate conversation about gender, identity, and our relationships with our bodies.

There are SO many ways in which gender identity (and expression!) can affect your relationship with your body. Even if you don’t resonate with my story, I challenge you to think of ways in which traditional gender roles, expectations, and “norms” have helped you create (or reject) your identity, and the possible relationships between gender, safety, beauty standards, and feeling like you belong in your body.

I cannot believe I’m about to hit send on this.

I love you.

<3

Jessi

The post {#TransparentTuesday} Boy Jessi + Girl Jessi: What Gender Identity Has to Do With Body Image appeared first on Jessi Kneeland.

http://ift.tt/2E5yqOD

[joshuabradleyn]

{#TransparentTuesday} Boy Jessi + Girl Jessi: What Gender Identity Has to Do With Body Image

Today we’re going to talk about gender.

Something I’ve noticed coming up a LOT in my webinars and coaching calls lately is the question of what it means to be female, and what to do when being “female” doesn’t quite feel right.

Now, I (like you, probably) grew up in a gender binary system. Our options used to be male, female, or “transexual.” Some men liked crossdressing and some lesbians liked looking butch, but gender and sex were basically the same thing and we were expected to like it.

In recent years, culture has changed to reflect a different understanding of gender, and I’ve changed along with it.

It is now widely recognized that sex is assigned at birth based on genitalia, while gender is the identity a person resonates with. That no longer means each person has to check the box next to “male” or “female,” either.

We have only begun to scratch the surface of recognizing intersex people, non-binary individuals, gender-fluid and gender-queer people, and more.

Gender identity and gender expression have created a whole new landscape for us to consider ourselves, our identities, and our bodies, as well as our beliefs about how things “should” be and where we have hang-ups. (Note: If you find this whole conversation ridiculous, offensive, or annoying, I humbly suggest you have some major hangups.)

So what does this new gender landscape have to do with body image?

Fucking EVERYTHING.

When I look back on my life, having been born into an unambiguously female body, I can see that the vast majority of my personal body shame and hatred came from the fact that I did not want to be female.

I had an older brother, and I was always EXTREMELY aware of how differently we were treated. From a very young age,I felt existentially cheated, and angry. He could run and show off and be difficult and get dirty and be forgiven for being an entitled dick sometimes (sorry Ben), while I was expected to be helpful, nice, calm, pretty, and polite.

Before I could even read or write I was aware that being a boy was indisputably better, and being a girl was indisputably worse. I was mad that I had to be a girl just because my stupid body said so, and I was mad that everyone treated me like one as if they couldn’t tell it didn’t suit me.

Questions I’ve asked myself a lot, as I process this experience within our new non-binary gender landscape:

How much of my resentment came from living in a sexist patriarchy, and how much was my inherent gender identity?

How much of my resentment came from an intuitive (and accurate) understanding that girls are more vulnerable targets, and that I was unsafe?

I’ll never know the answers.

My parents didn’t buy into gender roles the way some people did, thank goodness, so many of the messages I got about gender roles came from elsewhere, but they came nonetheless. My parents proudly empowered me to do and be whatever I wanted, which was great, but what I wanted was to be a boy, and that wasn’t on the table.

Examining and choosing my own gender identity wasn’t an option at the time. So a girl I stayed, and then I hit puberty and became a “woman” and I hated every fucking second of it.

I hated my breasts. I hated my vagina and the fact that I had periods and could get pregnant and had to take birth control. I hated that I was supposed to like girly stuff and supposed to want to get married and grow babies inside my body (NO THANK YOU) and generally just be something I wasn’t.

I hated the gross attention from men.

I hated the unfairness of how we females got treated, and the stories from history of how women had to work so hard to convince everyone that we were worthy of the vote, or physically capable of running a marathon. I hated that even today sexism and misogyny are alive and well, but also completely invisible to most straight men, who have the privilege of not being affected by it.

I hated how boys were taught to be entitled dicks whose only job in life was to convince girls to put out. I hated the fact that I had been initiated into my sexuality at the age of 7 by an older boy who felt like my female body existed for his pleasure.

I hated myself for being female, I hated my body for being female, and I was in an enormous amount of pain.

I was, however, way too others-conscious to do anything about this.

My boobs were huge, and I was a good kid from a good family in a hyper conservative town who wasn’t about to screw up my whole life by calling myself a boy when I obviously wasn’t a boy. No fucking way. Even if I’d had the language around gender expression we have now, I wouldn’t have risked being seen that way.

Instead, I learned to wield my female body like a weapon. I learned how to control everything, especially boys and men. I tried to find an identity that fit me while living in a body I resented, and the parts of my body that I hated the most were the ones that gave away my femaleness: my curves, my softness, my breasts.

I obsessively focused on my flaws, distracting myself with the wild goose chase of pursuing “body perfection” while trying to harden, tighten, and erase all the most female parts of me.

Looking back, I can see that many of these feelings were the result of terror and rage. Crushed under the weight of centuries of unequal treatment, I was afraid for my safety, and angry at the situation.

Being female in this world is scary, and unfair, and painful.

I’ve done a lot of work to heal my relationship with my body and my gender since then, and I’ve even come to love being a woman in some ways.

But I do so wish I’d had the freedom back then to NOT identify as female, without stigma, as I sorted through the experience of being in this body.

I’ve never felt a need to talk about gender identity before, although I’ve been slowly processing my own for years.

However, someone recently asked if my coaching program was open to people who weren’t sure if they identified as male or female or what, and I realized I’ve been doing a major disservice to the conversation on body image by not discussing gender.

So I’d like to make a few things clear:

Your sex is assigned at birth, and your gender is how you identify, based on what feels right for you.

Gender is no longer a male/female binary.

If everyone agrees respects everyone else’s gender identity without judgement than more people can explore themselves and their identity in a way that makes them feel safe, authentic, and accepted for who they are.

Body image and gender identity/expression are deeply interconnected, and for many women (even if they identify as fully female) this is a topic that needs to be discussed, considered, explored, and healed.

Please understand, this is absolutely terrifying for me to write, but I believe in transparency and I believe we need to talk about this.

Years ago, I told my best friend I was a boy sometimes.

I had been consciously exploring my own femininity for a while, and had committed to wearing dresses for an entire summer to see if I could face my distaste for female-ness head on.

I told him that I was doing it because deep down there is a boy Jessi and a girl Jessi, and that I was trying to get girl Jessi to show up more by making her feel welcome.

He gave me a look I’ll never forget, nodded supportively, and said “Wow… how does that feel to say out loud?”

It felt… liberating. Embarrassing. Exhilarating. Ridiculous. Glorious.

There is a Boy Jessi and a Girl Jessi!! It felt so hilariously and obviously true. I couldn’t believe I’d never let myself say that before.

In the years since, I have welcomed Woman Jessi, too. (Interestingly, I never feel like a Man. Just a Boy, Girl, or Woman.) Some days I feel more one or the other, and most days I feel like a blend.

When I started to write this, I had no intention of getting so personal or vulnerable. I actually had to stop midway through, to tremble and cry and come up with a thousand reasons not to send this. (It might not feel like a big reveal to you, but it sure as hell feels like one to me.)

But here you are reading it anyway.

My hope is that this helps us all open up a better, more nuanced, and compassionate conversation about gender, identity, and our relationships with our bodies.

There are SO many ways in which gender identity (and expression!) can affect your relationship with your body. Even if you don’t resonate with my story, I challenge you to think of ways in which traditional gender roles, expectations, and “norms” have helped you create (or reject) your identity, and the possible relationships between gender, safety, beauty standards, and feeling like you belong in your body.

I cannot believe I’m about to hit send on this.

I love you.

<3

Jessi

The post {#TransparentTuesday} Boy Jessi + Girl Jessi: What Gender Identity Has to Do With Body Image appeared first on Jessi Kneeland.

http://ift.tt/2E5yqOD

[ruthellisneda]

{#TransparentTuesday} Boy Jessi + Girl Jessi: What Gender Identity Has to Do With Body Image

Today we’re going to talk about gender.

Something I’ve noticed coming up a LOT in my webinars and coaching calls lately is the question of what it means to be female, and what to do when being “female” doesn’t quite feel right.

Now, I (like you, probably) grew up in a gender binary system. Our options used to be male, female, or “transexual.” Some men liked crossdressing and some lesbians liked looking butch, but gender and sex were basically the same thing and we were expected to like it.

In recent years, culture has changed to reflect a different understanding of gender, and I’ve changed along with it.

It is now widely recognized that sex is assigned at birth based on genitalia, while gender is the identity a person resonates with. That no longer means each person has to check the box next to “male” or “female,” either.

We have only begun to scratch the surface of recognizing intersex people, non-binary individuals, gender-fluid and gender-queer people, and more.

Gender identity and gender expression have created a whole new landscape for us to consider ourselves, our identities, and our bodies, as well as our beliefs about how things “should” be and where we have hang-ups. (Note: If you find this whole conversation ridiculous, offensive, or annoying, I humbly suggest you have some major hangups.)

So what does this new gender landscape have to do with body image?

Fucking EVERYTHING.

When I look back on my life, having been born into an unambiguously female body, I can see that the vast majority of my personal body shame and hatred came from the fact that I did not want to be female.

I had an older brother, and I was always EXTREMELY aware of how differently we were treated. From a very young age,I felt existentially cheated, and angry. He could run and show off and be difficult and get dirty and be forgiven for being an entitled dick sometimes (sorry Ben), while I was expected to be helpful, nice, calm, pretty, and polite.

Before I could even read or write I was aware that being a boy was indisputably better, and being a girl was indisputably worse. I was mad that I had to be a girl just because my stupid body said so, and I was mad that everyone treated me like one as if they couldn’t tell it didn’t suit me.

Questions I’ve asked myself a lot, as I process this experience within our new non-binary gender landscape:

How much of my resentment came from living in a sexist patriarchy, and how much was my inherent gender identity?

How much of my resentment came from an intuitive (and accurate) understanding that girls are more vulnerable targets, and that I was unsafe?

I’ll never know the answers.

My parents didn’t buy into gender roles the way some people did, thank goodness, so many of the messages I got about gender roles came from elsewhere, but they came nonetheless. My parents proudly empowered me to do and be whatever I wanted, which was great, but what I wanted was to be a boy, and that wasn’t on the table.

Examining and choosing my own gender identity wasn’t an option at the time. So a girl I stayed, and then I hit puberty and became a “woman” and I hated every fucking second of it.

I hated my breasts. I hated my vagina and the fact that I had periods and could get pregnant and had to take birth control. I hated that I was supposed to like girly stuff and supposed to want to get married and grow babies inside my body (NO THANK YOU) and generally just be something I wasn’t.

I hated the gross attention from men.

I hated the unfairness of how we females got treated, and the stories from history of how women had to work so hard to convince everyone that we were worthy of the vote, or physically capable of running a marathon. I hated that even today sexism and misogyny are alive and well, but also completely invisible to most straight men, who have the privilege of not being affected by it.

I hated how boys were taught to be entitled dicks whose only job in life was to convince girls to put out. I hated the fact that I had been initiated into my sexuality at the age of 7 by an older boy who felt like my female body existed for his pleasure.

I hated myself for being female, I hated my body for being female, and I was in an enormous amount of pain.

I was, however, way too others-conscious to do anything about this.

My boobs were huge, and I was a good kid from a good family in a hyper conservative town who wasn’t about to screw up my whole life by calling myself a boy when I obviously wasn’t a boy. No fucking way. Even if I’d had the language around gender expression we have now, I wouldn’t have risked being seen that way.

Instead, I learned to wield my female body like a weapon. I learned how to control everything, especially boys and men. I tried to find an identity that fit me while living in a body I resented, and the parts of my body that I hated the most were the ones that gave away my femaleness: my curves, my softness, my breasts.

I obsessively focused on my flaws, distracting myself with the wild goose chase of pursuing “body perfection” while trying to harden, tighten, and erase all the most female parts of me.

Looking back, I can see that many of these feelings were the result of terror and rage. Crushed under the weight of centuries of unequal treatment, I was afraid for my safety, and angry at the situation.

Being female in this world is scary, and unfair, and painful.

I’ve done a lot of work to heal my relationship with my body and my gender since then, and I’ve even come to love being a woman in some ways.

But I do so wish I’d had the freedom back then to NOT identify as female, without stigma, as I sorted through the experience of being in this body.

I’ve never felt a need to talk about gender identity before, although I’ve been slowly processing my own for years.

However, someone recently asked if my coaching program was open to people who weren’t sure if they identified as male or female or what, and I realized I’ve been doing a major disservice to the conversation on body image by not discussing gender.

So I’d like to make a few things clear:

Your sex is assigned at birth, and your gender is how you identify, based on what feels right for you.

Gender is no longer a male/female binary.

If everyone agrees respects everyone else’s gender identity without judgement than more people can explore themselves and their identity in a way that makes them feel safe, authentic, and accepted for who they are.

Body image and gender identity/expression are deeply interconnected, and for many women (even if they identify as fully female) this is a topic that needs to be discussed, considered, explored, and healed.

Please understand, this is absolutely terrifying for me to write, but I believe in transparency and I believe we need to talk about this.

Years ago, I told my best friend I was a boy sometimes.

I had been consciously exploring my own femininity for a while, and had committed to wearing dresses for an entire summer to see if I could face my distaste for female-ness head on.

I told him that I was doing it because deep down there is a boy Jessi and a girl Jessi, and that I was trying to get girl Jessi to show up more by making her feel welcome.

He gave me a look I’ll never forget, nodded supportively, and said “Wow… how does that feel to say out loud?”

It felt… liberating. Embarrassing. Exhilarating. Ridiculous. Glorious.

There is a Boy Jessi and a Girl Jessi!! It felt so hilariously and obviously true. I couldn’t believe I’d never let myself say that before.

In the years since, I have welcomed Woman Jessi, too. (Interestingly, I never feel like a Man. Just a Boy, Girl, or Woman.) Some days I feel more one or the other, and most days I feel like a blend.

When I started to write this, I had no intention of getting so personal or vulnerable. I actually had to stop midway through, to tremble and cry and come up with a thousand reasons not to send this. (It might not feel like a big reveal to you, but it sure as hell feels like one to me.)

But here you are reading it anyway.

My hope is that this helps us all open up a better, more nuanced, and compassionate conversation about gender, identity, and our relationships with our bodies.

There are SO many ways in which gender identity (and expression!) can affect your relationship with your body. Even if you don’t resonate with my story, I challenge you to think of ways in which traditional gender roles, expectations, and “norms” have helped you create (or reject) your identity, and the possible relationships between gender, safety, beauty standards, and feeling like you belong in your body.

I cannot believe I’m about to hit send on this.

I love you.

<3

Jessi

The post {#TransparentTuesday} Boy Jessi + Girl Jessi: What Gender Identity Has to Do With Body Image appeared first on Jessi Kneeland.

http://ift.tt/2E5yqOD

[almajonesnjna]

{#TransparentTuesday} Emotional labor.

I recently spent a few hours with a dear friend who was in town, and we got onto the topic of relationships.

My friend never ceases to astonish me with his wisdom and thoughtfulness, and I found myself understanding a big topic with absolute clarity for the first time.

At one point, I actually wanted to stop and take notes.

The topic was something I have both experienced personally, and in my coaching practice, about the growing pains in a relationship when you shift from assessing your partner simply as a human (amazing! sexy! perfect!) to assessing them as your future life partner (too messy! workaholic! their family is bad shit crazy!).

Here’s the gist of my friend’s message:

In the beginning of a relationship, it’s easy to be accommodating and accepting. While wearing your lust-and-optimism new-relationship goggles, you can see your partner’s behaviors in a very flattering and forgiving light. Sure, you might hear a little voice telling you that this particular behavior wouldn’t work for you in the long term, but you don’t say anything, because it’s not a big deal right now.

But then later on, when those new-relationship goggles come off, and you’re planning a future together, you might suddenly realize that there’s a ton of shit you wish was different, but your partner doesn’t know this. So you start telling them– hey this doesn’t work for me. Hey, that needs to change. Hey, I need you to do this differently.

Your partner is shocked, and offended. Things were good enough before, after all. What changed? The relationship has been fine and easy, and they don’t *want* to do all that work now.

Does any of this resonate for you?

It sure as fuck did for me.

I was struck too by the understanding that women need to learn how to assert their needs and desires right from the beginning of a relationship. While this could apply to any gender, and any type of relationship, this seems to me to be most salient among women who are in relationships with men.

In general, given the programming we learn as girls and women (to be happy, nice, polite, pretty, small, and giving) it makes sense that so many women enter new relationships with men with the goal of making themselves “easy to love.”

Typically this means not asking for much from our partners, accepting them however they show up, and just being grateful to be chosen.

In the early days, we typically try really hard to play it cool, and be laidback and casual, in order to not scare our partners off. We hide our emotional ups and downs, we hide how messy and needy we are, we hide what we really want, and we try to just be grateful that we “found a good one.”

Worse still, many women pride themselves on being “different than other girls,” meaning we demand even less from our partners, we express even fewer needs, we hide even more of our feelings… and we’re proud of it.

The problem is that “making things easy” on your partner in the beginning is a sure-fire way to end up unhappy.

Our male partners get used to relationships being suuuppper easy and undemanding, and after a while he may be perfectly content with how things are, while we have a list a mile long of our unmet needs.

Many men might try to convince you that the problem is you– that you’re too demanding, or too needy, or you’re overreacting, or you just “need to relax.”

Other men would be devastated, and unable to handle hearing all the ways they’re making you unhappy without feeling like you were attacking their personal character.

But this isn’t about you, and you don’t need to “relax.” It’s not even about him, or his personal failings.

Trust me, this is much bigger than that.

This is about the roles we are taught to play in heteronormative relationships, and who those roles benefit (hint: it’s not women).

Can you imagine if, overnight, every single woman agreed to be 100% honest and upfront about her expectations, desires, and demands in her relationship from now on?

At first, I suspect there would be a lot of breakups.

Most men would be like UMMMM THIS IS ANNOYING, I’VE NEVER HAD TO WORK THIS HARD AND I DON’T LIKE IT.

That’s because most women would demand more emotional labor, more emotional intelligence, more foreplay and sensual sex, and more of the other stuff we have all taught men they don’t need to do, in order to come off as easy and laidback and likeable.

“It’s true what they say about women: Women are insatiable. We are greedy. Our appetites do need to be controlled if things are to stay in place. If the world were ours too, if we believed we could get away with it, we would ask for more love, more sex, more money, more commitment to children, more food, more care. These sexual, emotional, and physical demands would begin to extend to social demands: payment for care of the elderly, parental leave, childcare, etc. The force of female desire would be so great that society would truly have to reckon with what women want, in bed and in the world.”

-Naomi Wolf, The Beauty Myth

Here’s the thing though.

If every single woman agreed to be upfront about her desires and demands, then after all those early breakups occurred with the men going off in search of “easier” relationships, they would all eventually discover that there was no such thing.

Can you imagine if we all held men accountable for recognizing and dismantling their own privilege, for examining and healing their own traumas, gender role expectations, and personal narratives? If we held them accountable for recognizing and communicating what they were feeling, and for showing up to do exactly half of the emotional labor in every relationship?

Most relationships would look shockingly different, and this hypothetical change would likely feel terribly unfair to men at first.

After all, for thousands and thousands of years, we have taught them that it’s totally ok for them not to do any of that, that they get a free pass because it’s “not in their nature.” (False.)

We have taught them that we women will take responsibility for most (if not all) of the emotional labor so that he can have a good life with lots of connections. We’ll remind him to call his mother on her birthday, bring up problems in our relationships that he “didn’t know how to talk about,” and keeps lists and schedules in our heads about everything that needs to be done to run a household and maintain strong connections to our friends, family, and communities.

It’s no wonder marriage disproportionately benefits men.

We’ve taught men that they don’t need to work hard to learn these skills, they don’t need to really listen to us or take our needs (or feelings) seriously, and they don’t have to change or better themselves.

We’ve even taught men that we’ll agree with them about how difficult/crazy/emotional/needy we’re being… and apologize for it.

So what do we do?

Well for a start,

what if we stopped praising men for doing tiny fractions of the emotional labor in their relationships?

What if we stopped thanking men for tolerating or “handling” our emotions?

What if we stopped applauding every time a man is an active father, does chores at home, talks about his feelings, or sacrifices career success for his family, the way women have been doing for centuries?

What if we demanded that all this (and more) became a baseline of expectation, rather than a reason to celebrate?

This might sounds crazy (and you might be freaking out imagining being even more difficult or demanding in your relationship) but the point is that eventually there would be a shift.

With an “easy relationship” taken off the table, the only option for men would be to step up and learn how to navigate the “difficult” part of a relationship.

Perhaps you’re sitting there thinking “but men just aren’t good at that stuff!”

I hear this excuse a lot, that men and women are just born with different strengths. The same argument has, until very recently, been used to justify men cheating, raping, and sexually assaulting women.

This same line of thinking has also been used to oppress women by saying that we are the more naturally virtuous and chaste gender. (Again giving men a free pass to be sexual and misbehave, while leaving the work of getting everyone to be “good” to whom? Women.)

I don’t buy this.

Yes, men and women are different, but a lot of this stuff is the result of social conditioning, gender role expectations, and unexamined privilege. Rather than lacking some biological gift, all men are lacking is practice and motivation.

(Wow this email really turned into a rant.)

In summary:

We must not allow our male partners to get away with having “easy” relationships, for fear of chasing them away. We must find ways to challenge these deeply ingrained gender roles around emotional labor, and loudly voice our expectations, desires, and needs from day one.

I don’t want an “easy” relationship, and I don’t want to live in a world where we are teaching men that an easy relationship is even an option.

We all deserve better than that, my sweet sisters.

If we all start demanding more, the men will eventually catch up.

<3

Jessi

The post {#TransparentTuesday} Emotional labor. appeared first on Jessi Kneeland.

http://ift.tt/2ibHaJE

[albertcaldwellne]

{#TransparentTuesday} Emotional labor.

I recently spent a few hours with a dear friend who was in town, and we got onto the topic of relationships.

My friend never ceases to astonish me with his wisdom and thoughtfulness, and I found myself understanding a big topic with absolute clarity for the first time.

At one point, I actually wanted to stop and take notes.

The topic was something I have both experienced personally, and in my coaching practice, about the growing pains in a relationship when you shift from assessing your partner simply as a human (amazing! sexy! perfect!) to assessing them as your future life partner (too messy! workaholic! their family is bad shit crazy!).

Here’s the gist of my friend’s message:

In the beginning of a relationship, it’s easy to be accommodating and accepting. While wearing your lust-and-optimism new-relationship goggles, you can see your partner’s behaviors in a very flattering and forgiving light. Sure, you might hear a little voice telling you that this particular behavior wouldn’t work for you in the long term, but you don’t say anything, because it’s not a big deal right now.

But then later on, when those new-relationship goggles come off, and you’re planning a future together, you might suddenly realize that there’s a ton of shit you wish was different, but your partner doesn’t know this. So you start telling them– hey this doesn’t work for me. Hey, that needs to change. Hey, I need you to do this differently.

Your partner is shocked, and offended. Things were good enough before, after all. What changed? The relationship has been fine and easy, and they don’t *want* to do all that work now.

Does any of this resonate for you?

It sure as fuck did for me.

I was struck too by the understanding that women need to learn how to assert their needs and desires right from the beginning of a relationship. While this could apply to any gender, and any type of relationship, this seems to me to be most salient among women who are in relationships with men.

In general, given the programming we learn as girls and women (to be happy, nice, polite, pretty, small, and giving) it makes sense that so many women enter new relationships with men with the goal of making themselves “easy to love.”

Typically this means not asking for much from our partners, accepting them however they show up, and just being grateful to be chosen.

In the early days, we typically try really hard to play it cool, and be laidback and casual, in order to not scare our partners off. We hide our emotional ups and downs, we hide how messy and needy we are, we hide what we really want, and we try to just be grateful that we “found a good one.”

Worse still, many women pride themselves on being “different than other girls,” meaning we demand even less from our partners, we express even fewer needs, we hide even more of our feelings… and we’re proud of it.

The problem is that “making things easy” on your partner in the beginning is a sure-fire way to end up unhappy.

Our male partners get used to relationships being suuuppper easy and undemanding, and after a while he may be perfectly content with how things are, while we have a list a mile long of our unmet needs.

Many men might try to convince you that the problem is you– that you’re too demanding, or too needy, or you’re overreacting, or you just “need to relax.”

Other men would be devastated, and unable to handle hearing all the ways they’re making you unhappy without feeling like you were attacking their personal character.

But this isn’t about you, and you don’t need to “relax.” It’s not even about him, or his personal failings.

Trust me, this is much bigger than that.

This is about the roles we are taught to play in heteronormative relationships, and who those roles benefit (hint: it’s not women).

Can you imagine if, overnight, every single woman agreed to be 100% honest and upfront about her expectations, desires, and demands in her relationship from now on?

At first, I suspect there would be a lot of breakups.

Most men would be like UMMMM THIS IS ANNOYING, I’VE NEVER HAD TO WORK THIS HARD AND I DON’T LIKE IT.

That’s because most women would demand more emotional labor, more emotional intelligence, more foreplay and sensual sex, and more of the other stuff we have all taught men they don’t need to do, in order to come off as easy and laidback and likeable.

“It’s true what they say about women: Women are insatiable. We are greedy. Our appetites do need to be controlled if things are to stay in place. If the world were ours too, if we believed we could get away with it, we would ask for more love, more sex, more money, more commitment to children, more food, more care. These sexual, emotional, and physical demands would begin to extend to social demands: payment for care of the elderly, parental leave, childcare, etc. The force of female desire would be so great that society would truly have to reckon with what women want, in bed and in the world.”

-Naomi Wolf, The Beauty Myth

Here’s the thing though.

If every single woman agreed to be upfront about her desires and demands, then after all those early breakups occurred with the men going off in search of “easier” relationships, they would all eventually discover that there was no such thing.

Can you imagine if we all held men accountable for recognizing and dismantling their own privilege, for examining and healing their own traumas, gender role expectations, and personal narratives? If we held them accountable for recognizing and communicating what they were feeling, and for showing up to do exactly half of the emotional labor in every relationship?

Most relationships would look shockingly different, and this hypothetical change would likely feel terribly unfair to men at first.

After all, for thousands and thousands of years, we have taught them that it’s totally ok for them not to do any of that, that they get a free pass because it’s “not in their nature.” (False.)

We have taught them that we women will take responsibility for most (if not all) of the emotional labor so that he can have a good life with lots of connections. We’ll remind him to call his mother on her birthday, bring up problems in our relationships that he “didn’t know how to talk about,” and keeps lists and schedules in our heads about everything that needs to be done to run a household and maintain strong connections to our friends, family, and communities.

It’s no wonder marriage disproportionately benefits men.

We’ve taught men that they don’t need to work hard to learn these skills, they don’t need to really listen to us or take our needs (or feelings) seriously, and they don’t have to change or better themselves.

We’ve even taught men that we’ll agree with them about how difficult/crazy/emotional/needy we’re being… and apologize for it.

So what do we do?

Well for a start,

what if we stopped praising men for doing tiny fractions of the emotional labor in their relationships?

What if we stopped thanking men for tolerating or “handling” our emotions?

What if we stopped applauding every time a man is an active father, does chores at home, talks about his feelings, or sacrifices career success for his family, the way women have been doing for centuries?

What if we demanded that all this (and more) became a baseline of expectation, rather than a reason to celebrate?

This might sounds crazy (and you might be freaking out imagining being even more difficult or demanding in your relationship) but the point is that eventually there would be a shift.

With an “easy relationship” taken off the table, the only option for men would be to step up and learn how to navigate the “difficult” part of a relationship.

Perhaps you’re sitting there thinking “but men just aren’t good at that stuff!”

I hear this excuse a lot, that men and women are just born with different strengths. The same argument has, until very recently, been used to justify men cheating, raping, and sexually assaulting women.

This same line of thinking has also been used to oppress women by saying that we are the more naturally virtuous and chaste gender. (Again giving men a free pass to be sexual and misbehave, while leaving the work of getting everyone to be “good” to whom? Women.)

I don’t buy this.

Yes, men and women are different, but a lot of this stuff is the result of social conditioning, gender role expectations, and unexamined privilege. Rather than lacking some biological gift, all men are lacking is practice and motivation.

(Wow this email really turned into a rant.)

In summary:

We must not allow our male partners to get away with having “easy” relationships, for fear of chasing them away. We must find ways to challenge these deeply ingrained gender roles around emotional labor, and loudly voice our expectations, desires, and needs from day one.

I don’t want an “easy” relationship, and I don’t want to live in a world where we are teaching men that an easy relationship is even an option.

We all deserve better than that, my sweet sisters.

If we all start demanding more, the men will eventually catch up.

<3

Jessi

The post {#TransparentTuesday} Emotional labor. appeared first on Jessi Kneeland.

http://ift.tt/2ibHaJE

[johnclapperne]

{#TransparentTuesday} Emotional labor.

I recently spent a few hours with a dear friend who was in town, and we got onto the topic of relationships.

My friend never ceases to astonish me with his wisdom and thoughtfulness, and I found myself understanding a big topic with absolute clarity for the first time.

At one point, I actually wanted to stop and take notes.

The topic was something I have both experienced personally, and in my coaching practice, about the growing pains in a relationship when you shift from assessing your partner simply as a human (amazing! sexy! perfect!) to assessing them as your future life partner (too messy! workaholic! their family is bad shit crazy!).

Here’s the gist of my friend’s message:

In the beginning of a relationship, it’s easy to be accommodating and accepting. While wearing your lust-and-optimism new-relationship goggles, you can see your partner’s behaviors in a very flattering and forgiving light. Sure, you might hear a little voice telling you that this particular behavior wouldn’t work for you in the long term, but you don’t say anything, because it’s not a big deal right now.

But then later on, when those new-relationship goggles come off, and you’re planning a future together, you might suddenly realize that there’s a ton of shit you wish was different, but your partner doesn’t know this. So you start telling them– hey this doesn’t work for me. Hey, that needs to change. Hey, I need you to do this differently.

Your partner is shocked, and offended. Things were good enough before, after all. What changed? The relationship has been fine and easy, and they don’t *want* to do all that work now.

Does any of this resonate for you?

It sure as fuck did for me.

I was struck too by the understanding that women need to learn how to assert their needs and desires right from the beginning of a relationship. While this could apply to any gender, and any type of relationship, this seems to me to be most salient among women who are in relationships with men.

In general, given the programming we learn as girls and women (to be happy, nice, polite, pretty, small, and giving) it makes sense that so many women enter new relationships with men with the goal of making themselves “easy to love.”

Typically this means not asking for much from our partners, accepting them however they show up, and just being grateful to be chosen.

In the early days, we typically try really hard to play it cool, and be laidback and casual, in order to not scare our partners off. We hide our emotional ups and downs, we hide how messy and needy we are, we hide what we really want, and we try to just be grateful that we “found a good one.”

Worse still, many women pride themselves on being “different than other girls,” meaning we demand even less from our partners, we express even fewer needs, we hide even more of our feelings… and we’re proud of it.

The problem is that “making things easy” on your partner in the beginning is a sure-fire way to end up unhappy.

Our male partners get used to relationships being suuuppper easy and undemanding, and after a while he may be perfectly content with how things are, while we have a list a mile long of our unmet needs.

Many men might try to convince you that the problem is you– that you’re too demanding, or too needy, or you’re overreacting, or you just “need to relax.”

Other men would be devastated, and unable to handle hearing all the ways they’re making you unhappy without feeling like you were attacking their personal character.

But this isn’t about you, and you don’t need to “relax.” It’s not even about him, or his personal failings.

Trust me, this is much bigger than that.

This is about the roles we are taught to play in heteronormative relationships, and who those roles benefit (hint: it’s not women).

Can you imagine if, overnight, every single woman agreed to be 100% honest and upfront about her expectations, desires, and demands in her relationship from now on?

At first, I suspect there would be a lot of breakups.

Most men would be like UMMMM THIS IS ANNOYING, I’VE NEVER HAD TO WORK THIS HARD AND I DON’T LIKE IT.

That’s because most women would demand more emotional labor, more emotional intelligence, more foreplay and sensual sex, and more of the other stuff we have all taught men they don’t need to do, in order to come off as easy and laidback and likeable.

“It’s true what they say about women: Women are insatiable. We are greedy. Our appetites do need to be controlled if things are to stay in place. If the world were ours too, if we believed we could get away with it, we would ask for more love, more sex, more money, more commitment to children, more food, more care. These sexual, emotional, and physical demands would begin to extend to social demands: payment for care of the elderly, parental leave, childcare, etc. The force of female desire would be so great that society would truly have to reckon with what women want, in bed and in the world.”

-Naomi Wolf, The Beauty Myth

Here’s the thing though.

If every single woman agreed to be upfront about her desires and demands, then after all those early breakups occurred with the men going off in search of “easier” relationships, they would all eventually discover that there was no such thing.

Can you imagine if we all held men accountable for recognizing and dismantling their own privilege, for examining and healing their own traumas, gender role expectations, and personal narratives? If we held them accountable for recognizing and communicating what they were feeling, and for showing up to do exactly half of the emotional labor in every relationship?

Most relationships would look shockingly different, and this hypothetical change would likely feel terribly unfair to men at first.

After all, for thousands and thousands of years, we have taught them that it’s totally ok for them not to do any of that, that they get a free pass because it’s “not in their nature.” (False.)

We have taught them that we women will take responsibility for most (if not all) of the emotional labor so that he can have a good life with lots of connections. We’ll remind him to call his mother on her birthday, bring up problems in our relationships that he “didn’t know how to talk about,” and keeps lists and schedules in our heads about everything that needs to be done to run a household and maintain strong connections to our friends, family, and communities.

It’s no wonder marriage disproportionately benefits men.

We’ve taught men that they don’t need to work hard to learn these skills, they don’t need to really listen to us or take our needs (or feelings) seriously, and they don’t have to change or better themselves.

We’ve even taught men that we’ll agree with them about how difficult/crazy/emotional/needy we’re being… and apologize for it.

So what do we do?

Well for a start,

what if we stopped praising men for doing tiny fractions of the emotional labor in their relationships?

What if we stopped thanking men for tolerating or “handling” our emotions?

What if we stopped applauding every time a man is an active father, does chores at home, talks about his feelings, or sacrifices career success for his family, the way women have been doing for centuries?

What if we demanded that all this (and more) became a baseline of expectation, rather than a reason to celebrate?

This might sounds crazy (and you might be freaking out imagining being even more difficult or demanding in your relationship) but the point is that eventually there would be a shift.

With an “easy relationship” taken off the table, the only option for men would be to step up and learn how to navigate the “difficult” part of a relationship.

Perhaps you’re sitting there thinking “but men just aren’t good at that stuff!”

I hear this excuse a lot, that men and women are just born with different strengths. The same argument has, until very recently, been used to justify men cheating, raping, and sexually assaulting women.

This same line of thinking has also been used to oppress women by saying that we are the more naturally virtuous and chaste gender. (Again giving men a free pass to be sexual and misbehave, while leaving the work of getting everyone to be “good” to whom? Women.)

I don’t buy this.

Yes, men and women are different, but a lot of this stuff is the result of social conditioning, gender role expectations, and unexamined privilege. Rather than lacking some biological gift, all men are lacking is practice and motivation.

(Wow this email really turned into a rant.)

In summary:

We must not allow our male partners to get away with having “easy” relationships, for fear of chasing them away. We must find ways to challenge these deeply ingrained gender roles around emotional labor, and loudly voice our expectations, desires, and needs from day one.

I don’t want an “easy” relationship, and I don’t want to live in a world where we are teaching men that an easy relationship is even an option.

We all deserve better than that, my sweet sisters.

If we all start demanding more, the men will eventually catch up.

<3

Jessi

The post {#TransparentTuesday} Emotional labor. appeared first on Jessi Kneeland.

http://ift.tt/2ibHaJE

[neilmillerne]

{#TransparentTuesday} Emotional labor.

I recently spent a few hours with a dear friend who was in town, and we got onto the topic of relationships.

My friend never ceases to astonish me with his wisdom and thoughtfulness, and I found myself understanding a big topic with absolute clarity for the first time.

At one point, I actually wanted to stop and take notes.

The topic was something I have both experienced personally, and in my coaching practice, about the growing pains in a relationship when you shift from assessing your partner simply as a human (amazing! sexy! perfect!) to assessing them as your future life partner (too messy! workaholic! their family is bad shit crazy!).

Here’s the gist of my friend’s message:

In the beginning of a relationship, it’s easy to be accommodating and accepting. While wearing your lust-and-optimism new-relationship goggles, you can see your partner’s behaviors in a very flattering and forgiving light. Sure, you might hear a little voice telling you that this particular behavior wouldn’t work for you in the long term, but you don’t say anything, because it’s not a big deal right now.

But then later on, when those new-relationship goggles come off, and you’re planning a future together, you might suddenly realize that there’s a ton of shit you wish was different, but your partner doesn’t know this. So you start telling them– hey this doesn’t work for me. Hey, that needs to change. Hey, I need you to do this differently.

Your partner is shocked, and offended. Things were good enough before, after all. What changed? The relationship has been fine and easy, and they don’t *want* to do all that work now.

Does any of this resonate for you?

It sure as fuck did for me.

I was struck too by the understanding that women need to learn how to assert their needs and desires right from the beginning of a relationship. While this could apply to any gender, and any type of relationship, this seems to me to be most salient among women who are in relationships with men.

In general, given the programming we learn as girls and women (to be happy, nice, polite, pretty, small, and giving) it makes sense that so many women enter new relationships with men with the goal of making themselves “easy to love.”

Typically this means not asking for much from our partners, accepting them however they show up, and just being grateful to be chosen.

In the early days, we typically try really hard to play it cool, and be laidback and casual, in order to not scare our partners off. We hide our emotional ups and downs, we hide how messy and needy we are, we hide what we really want, and we try to just be grateful that we “found a good one.”

Worse still, many women pride themselves on being “different than other girls,” meaning we demand even less from our partners, we express even fewer needs, we hide even more of our feelings… and we’re proud of it.

The problem is that “making things easy” on your partner in the beginning is a sure-fire way to end up unhappy.

Our male partners get used to relationships being suuuppper easy and undemanding, and after a while he may be perfectly content with how things are, while we have a list a mile long of our unmet needs.

Many men might try to convince you that the problem is you– that you’re too demanding, or too needy, or you’re overreacting, or you just “need to relax.”

Other men would be devastated, and unable to handle hearing all the ways they’re making you unhappy without feeling like you were attacking their personal character.

But this isn’t about you, and you don’t need to “relax.” It’s not even about him, or his personal failings.

Trust me, this is much bigger than that.

This is about the roles we are taught to play in heteronormative relationships, and who those roles benefit (hint: it’s not women).

Can you imagine if, overnight, every single woman agreed to be 100% honest and upfront about her expectations, desires, and demands in her relationship from now on?

At first, I suspect there would be a lot of breakups.

Most men would be like UMMMM THIS IS ANNOYING, I’VE NEVER HAD TO WORK THIS HARD AND I DON’T LIKE IT.

That’s because most women would demand more emotional labor, more emotional intelligence, more foreplay and sensual sex, and more of the other stuff we have all taught men they don’t need to do, in order to come off as easy and laidback and likeable.

“It’s true what they say about women: Women are insatiable. We are greedy. Our appetites do need to be controlled if things are to stay in place. If the world were ours too, if we believed we could get away with it, we would ask for more love, more sex, more money, more commitment to children, more food, more care. These sexual, emotional, and physical demands would begin to extend to social demands: payment for care of the elderly, parental leave, childcare, etc. The force of female desire would be so great that society would truly have to reckon with what women want, in bed and in the world.”

-Naomi Wolf, The Beauty Myth

Here’s the thing though.

If every single woman agreed to be upfront about her desires and demands, then after all those early breakups occurred with the men going off in search of “easier” relationships, they would all eventually discover that there was no such thing.

Can you imagine if we all held men accountable for recognizing and dismantling their own privilege, for examining and healing their own traumas, gender role expectations, and personal narratives? If we held them accountable for recognizing and communicating what they were feeling, and for showing up to do exactly half of the emotional labor in every relationship?

Most relationships would look shockingly different, and this hypothetical change would likely feel terribly unfair to men at first.

After all, for thousands and thousands of years, we have taught them that it’s totally ok for them not to do any of that, that they get a free pass because it’s “not in their nature.” (False.)

We have taught them that we women will take responsibility for most (if not all) of the emotional labor so that he can have a good life with lots of connections. We’ll remind him to call his mother on her birthday, bring up problems in our relationships that he “didn’t know how to talk about,” and keeps lists and schedules in our heads about everything that needs to be done to run a household and maintain strong connections to our friends, family, and communities.

It’s no wonder marriage disproportionately benefits men.

We’ve taught men that they don’t need to work hard to learn these skills, they don’t need to really listen to us or take our needs (or feelings) seriously, and they don’t have to change or better themselves.

We’ve even taught men that we’ll agree with them about how difficult/crazy/emotional/needy we’re being… and apologize for it.

So what do we do?

Well for a start,

what if we stopped praising men for doing tiny fractions of the emotional labor in their relationships?

What if we stopped thanking men for tolerating or “handling” our emotions?

What if we stopped applauding every time a man is an active father, does chores at home, talks about his feelings, or sacrifices career success for his family, the way women have been doing for centuries?

What if we demanded that all this (and more) became a baseline of expectation, rather than a reason to celebrate?

This might sounds crazy (and you might be freaking out imagining being even more difficult or demanding in your relationship) but the point is that eventually there would be a shift.

With an “easy relationship” taken off the table, the only option for men would be to step up and learn how to navigate the “difficult” part of a relationship.

Perhaps you’re sitting there thinking “but men just aren’t good at that stuff!”

I hear this excuse a lot, that men and women are just born with different strengths. The same argument has, until very recently, been used to justify men cheating, raping, and sexually assaulting women.

This same line of thinking has also been used to oppress women by saying that we are the more naturally virtuous and chaste gender. (Again giving men a free pass to be sexual and misbehave, while leaving the work of getting everyone to be “good” to whom? Women.)

I don’t buy this.

Yes, men and women are different, but a lot of this stuff is the result of social conditioning, gender role expectations, and unexamined privilege. Rather than lacking some biological gift, all men are lacking is practice and motivation.

(Wow this email really turned into a rant.)

In summary:

We must not allow our male partners to get away with having “easy” relationships, for fear of chasing them away. We must find ways to challenge these deeply ingrained gender roles around emotional labor, and loudly voice our expectations, desires, and needs from day one.

I don’t want an “easy” relationship, and I don’t want to live in a world where we are teaching men that an easy relationship is even an option.

We all deserve better than that, my sweet sisters.

If we all start demanding more, the men will eventually catch up.

<3

Jessi

The post {#TransparentTuesday} Emotional labor. appeared first on Jessi Kneeland.

http://ift.tt/2ibHaJE

[joshuabradleyn]

{#TransparentTuesday} Emotional labor.

I recently spent a few hours with a dear friend who was in town, and we got onto the topic of relationships.

My friend never ceases to astonish me with his wisdom and thoughtfulness, and I found myself understanding a big topic with absolute clarity for the first time.

At one point, I actually wanted to stop and take notes.

The topic was something I have both experienced personally, and in my coaching practice, about the growing pains in a relationship when you shift from assessing your partner simply as a human (amazing! sexy! perfect!) to assessing them as your future life partner (too messy! workaholic! their family is bad shit crazy!).

Here’s the gist of my friend’s message:

In the beginning of a relationship, it’s easy to be accommodating and accepting. While wearing your lust-and-optimism new-relationship goggles, you can see your partner’s behaviors in a very flattering and forgiving light. Sure, you might hear a little voice telling you that this particular behavior wouldn’t work for you in the long term, but you don’t say anything, because it’s not a big deal right now.

But then later on, when those new-relationship goggles come off, and you’re planning a future together, you might suddenly realize that there’s a ton of shit you wish was different, but your partner doesn’t know this. So you start telling them– hey this doesn’t work for me. Hey, that needs to change. Hey, I need you to do this differently.

Your partner is shocked, and offended. Things were good enough before, after all. What changed? The relationship has been fine and easy, and they don’t *want* to do all that work now.

Does any of this resonate for you?

It sure as fuck did for me.

I was struck too by the understanding that women need to learn how to assert their needs and desires right from the beginning of a relationship. While this could apply to any gender, and any type of relationship, this seems to me to be most salient among women who are in relationships with men.

In general, given the programming we learn as girls and women (to be happy, nice, polite, pretty, small, and giving) it makes sense that so many women enter new relationships with men with the goal of making themselves “easy to love.”

Typically this means not asking for much from our partners, accepting them however they show up, and just being grateful to be chosen.

In the early days, we typically try really hard to play it cool, and be laidback and casual, in order to not scare our partners off. We hide our emotional ups and downs, we hide how messy and needy we are, we hide what we really want, and we try to just be grateful that we “found a good one.”

Worse still, many women pride themselves on being “different than other girls,” meaning we demand even less from our partners, we express even fewer needs, we hide even more of our feelings… and we’re proud of it.

The problem is that “making things easy” on your partner in the beginning is a sure-fire way to end up unhappy.

Our male partners get used to relationships being suuuppper easy and undemanding, and after a while he may be perfectly content with how things are, while we have a list a mile long of our unmet needs.

Many men might try to convince you that the problem is you– that you’re too demanding, or too needy, or you’re overreacting, or you just “need to relax.”

Other men would be devastated, and unable to handle hearing all the ways they’re making you unhappy without feeling like you were attacking their personal character.

But this isn’t about you, and you don’t need to “relax.” It’s not even about him, or his personal failings.

Trust me, this is much bigger than that.

This is about the roles we are taught to play in heteronormative relationships, and who those roles benefit (hint: it’s not women).

Can you imagine if, overnight, every single woman agreed to be 100% honest and upfront about her expectations, desires, and demands in her relationship from now on?

At first, I suspect there would be a lot of breakups.

Most men would be like UMMMM THIS IS ANNOYING, I’VE NEVER HAD TO WORK THIS HARD AND I DON’T LIKE IT.

That’s because most women would demand more emotional labor, more emotional intelligence, more foreplay and sensual sex, and more of the other stuff we have all taught men they don’t need to do, in order to come off as easy and laidback and likeable.

“It’s true what they say about women: Women are insatiable. We are greedy. Our appetites do need to be controlled if things are to stay in place. If the world were ours too, if we believed we could get away with it, we would ask for more love, more sex, more money, more commitment to children, more food, more care. These sexual, emotional, and physical demands would begin to extend to social demands: payment for care of the elderly, parental leave, childcare, etc. The force of female desire would be so great that society would truly have to reckon with what women want, in bed and in the world.”

-Naomi Wolf, The Beauty Myth

Here’s the thing though.

If every single woman agreed to be upfront about her desires and demands, then after all those early breakups occurred with the men going off in search of “easier” relationships, they would all eventually discover that there was no such thing.

Can you imagine if we all held men accountable for recognizing and dismantling their own privilege, for examining and healing their own traumas, gender role expectations, and personal narratives? If we held them accountable for recognizing and communicating what they were feeling, and for showing up to do exactly half of the emotional labor in every relationship?

Most relationships would look shockingly different, and this hypothetical change would likely feel terribly unfair to men at first.

After all, for thousands and thousands of years, we have taught them that it’s totally ok for them not to do any of that, that they get a free pass because it’s “not in their nature.” (False.)

We have taught them that we women will take responsibility for most (if not all) of the emotional labor so that he can have a good life with lots of connections. We’ll remind him to call his mother on her birthday, bring up problems in our relationships that he “didn’t know how to talk about,” and keeps lists and schedules in our heads about everything that needs to be done to run a household and maintain strong connections to our friends, family, and communities.

It’s no wonder marriage disproportionately benefits men.

We’ve taught men that they don’t need to work hard to learn these skills, they don’t need to really listen to us or take our needs (or feelings) seriously, and they don’t have to change or better themselves.

We’ve even taught men that we’ll agree with them about how difficult/crazy/emotional/needy we’re being… and apologize for it.

So what do we do?

Well for a start,

what if we stopped praising men for doing tiny fractions of the emotional labor in their relationships?

What if we stopped thanking men for tolerating or “handling” our emotions?

What if we stopped applauding every time a man is an active father, does chores at home, talks about his feelings, or sacrifices career success for his family, the way women have been doing for centuries?

What if we demanded that all this (and more) became a baseline of expectation, rather than a reason to celebrate?

This might sounds crazy (and you might be freaking out imagining being even more difficult or demanding in your relationship) but the point is that eventually there would be a shift.

With an “easy relationship” taken off the table, the only option for men would be to step up and learn how to navigate the “difficult” part of a relationship.

Perhaps you’re sitting there thinking “but men just aren’t good at that stuff!”

I hear this excuse a lot, that men and women are just born with different strengths. The same argument has, until very recently, been used to justify men cheating, raping, and sexually assaulting women.

This same line of thinking has also been used to oppress women by saying that we are the more naturally virtuous and chaste gender. (Again giving men a free pass to be sexual and misbehave, while leaving the work of getting everyone to be “good” to whom? Women.)

I don’t buy this.

Yes, men and women are different, but a lot of this stuff is the result of social conditioning, gender role expectations, and unexamined privilege. Rather than lacking some biological gift, all men are lacking is practice and motivation.

(Wow this email really turned into a rant.)

In summary:

We must not allow our male partners to get away with having “easy” relationships, for fear of chasing them away. We must find ways to challenge these deeply ingrained gender roles around emotional labor, and loudly voice our expectations, desires, and needs from day one.

I don’t want an “easy” relationship, and I don’t want to live in a world where we are teaching men that an easy relationship is even an option.

We all deserve better than that, my sweet sisters.

If we all start demanding more, the men will eventually catch up.

<3

Jessi

The post {#TransparentTuesday} Emotional labor. appeared first on Jessi Kneeland.

http://ift.tt/2ibHaJE

[ruthellisneda]

{#TransparentTuesday} Emotional labor.

I recently spent a few hours with a dear friend who was in town, and we got onto the topic of relationships.

My friend never ceases to astonish me with his wisdom and thoughtfulness, and I found myself understanding a big topic with absolute clarity for the first time.

At one point, I actually wanted to stop and take notes.

The topic was something I have both experienced personally, and in my coaching practice, about the growing pains in a relationship when you shift from assessing your partner simply as a human (amazing! sexy! perfect!) to assessing them as your future life partner (too messy! workaholic! their family is bad shit crazy!).

Here’s the gist of my friend’s message:

In the beginning of a relationship, it’s easy to be accommodating and accepting. While wearing your lust-and-optimism new-relationship goggles, you can see your partner’s behaviors in a very flattering and forgiving light. Sure, you might hear a little voice telling you that this particular behavior wouldn’t work for you in the long term, but you don’t say anything, because it’s not a big deal right now.

But then later on, when those new-relationship goggles come off, and you’re planning a future together, you might suddenly realize that there’s a ton of shit you wish was different, but your partner doesn’t know this. So you start telling them– hey this doesn’t work for me. Hey, that needs to change. Hey, I need you to do this differently.

Your partner is shocked, and offended. Things were good enough before, after all. What changed? The relationship has been fine and easy, and they don’t *want* to do all that work now.

Does any of this resonate for you?

It sure as fuck did for me.

I was struck too by the understanding that women need to learn how to assert their needs and desires right from the beginning of a relationship. While this could apply to any gender, and any type of relationship, this seems to me to be most salient among women who are in relationships with men.

In general, given the programming we learn as girls and women (to be happy, nice, polite, pretty, small, and giving) it makes sense that so many women enter new relationships with men with the goal of making themselves “easy to love.”

Typically this means not asking for much from our partners, accepting them however they show up, and just being grateful to be chosen.

In the early days, we typically try really hard to play it cool, and be laidback and casual, in order to not scare our partners off. We hide our emotional ups and downs, we hide how messy and needy we are, we hide what we really want, and we try to just be grateful that we “found a good one.”

Worse still, many women pride themselves on being “different than other girls,” meaning we demand even less from our partners, we express even fewer needs, we hide even more of our feelings… and we’re proud of it.

The problem is that “making things easy” on your partner in the beginning is a sure-fire way to end up unhappy.

Our male partners get used to relationships being suuuppper easy and undemanding, and after a while he may be perfectly content with how things are, while we have a list a mile long of our unmet needs.

Many men might try to convince you that the problem is you– that you’re too demanding, or too needy, or you’re overreacting, or you just “need to relax.”

Other men would be devastated, and unable to handle hearing all the ways they’re making you unhappy without feeling like you were attacking their personal character.

But this isn’t about you, and you don’t need to “relax.” It’s not even about him, or his personal failings.

Trust me, this is much bigger than that.

This is about the roles we are taught to play in heteronormative relationships, and who those roles benefit (hint: it’s not women).

Can you imagine if, overnight, every single woman agreed to be 100% honest and upfront about her expectations, desires, and demands in her relationship from now on?

At first, I suspect there would be a lot of breakups.

Most men would be like UMMMM THIS IS ANNOYING, I’VE NEVER HAD TO WORK THIS HARD AND I DON’T LIKE IT.

That’s because most women would demand more emotional labor, more emotional intelligence, more foreplay and sensual sex, and more of the other stuff we have all taught men they don’t need to do, in order to come off as easy and laidback and likeable.

“It’s true what they say about women: Women are insatiable. We are greedy. Our appetites do need to be controlled if things are to stay in place. If the world were ours too, if we believed we could get away with it, we would ask for more love, more sex, more money, more commitment to children, more food, more care. These sexual, emotional, and physical demands would begin to extend to social demands: payment for care of the elderly, parental leave, childcare, etc. The force of female desire would be so great that society would truly have to reckon with what women want, in bed and in the world.”

-Naomi Wolf, The Beauty Myth

Here’s the thing though.

If every single woman agreed to be upfront about her desires and demands, then after all those early breakups occurred with the men going off in search of “easier” relationships, they would all eventually discover that there was no such thing.

Can you imagine if we all held men accountable for recognizing and dismantling their own privilege, for examining and healing their own traumas, gender role expectations, and personal narratives? If we held them accountable for recognizing and communicating what they were feeling, and for showing up to do exactly half of the emotional labor in every relationship?

Most relationships would look shockingly different, and this hypothetical change would likely feel terribly unfair to men at first.

After all, for thousands and thousands of years, we have taught them that it’s totally ok for them not to do any of that, that they get a free pass because it’s “not in their nature.” (False.)

We have taught them that we women will take responsibility for most (if not all) of the emotional labor so that he can have a good life with lots of connections. We’ll remind him to call his mother on her birthday, bring up problems in our relationships that he “didn’t know how to talk about,” and keeps lists and schedules in our heads about everything that needs to be done to run a household and maintain strong connections to our friends, family, and communities.

It’s no wonder marriage disproportionately benefits men.

We’ve taught men that they don’t need to work hard to learn these skills, they don’t need to really listen to us or take our needs (or feelings) seriously, and they don’t have to change or better themselves.

We’ve even taught men that we’ll agree with them about how difficult/crazy/emotional/needy we’re being… and apologize for it.

So what do we do?

Well for a start,

what if we stopped praising men for doing tiny fractions of the emotional labor in their relationships?

What if we stopped thanking men for tolerating or “handling” our emotions?

What if we stopped applauding every time a man is an active father, does chores at home, talks about his feelings, or sacrifices career success for his family, the way women have been doing for centuries?

What if we demanded that all this (and more) became a baseline of expectation, rather than a reason to celebrate?

This might sounds crazy (and you might be freaking out imagining being even more difficult or demanding in your relationship) but the point is that eventually there would be a shift.

With an “easy relationship” taken off the table, the only option for men would be to step up and learn how to navigate the “difficult” part of a relationship.

Perhaps you’re sitting there thinking “but men just aren’t good at that stuff!”

I hear this excuse a lot, that men and women are just born with different strengths. The same argument has, until very recently, been used to justify men cheating, raping, and sexually assaulting women.

This same line of thinking has also been used to oppress women by saying that we are the more naturally virtuous and chaste gender. (Again giving men a free pass to be sexual and misbehave, while leaving the work of getting everyone to be “good” to whom? Women.)

I don’t buy this.

Yes, men and women are different, but a lot of this stuff is the result of social conditioning, gender role expectations, and unexamined privilege. Rather than lacking some biological gift, all men are lacking is practice and motivation.

(Wow this email really turned into a rant.)

In summary:

We must not allow our male partners to get away with having “easy” relationships, for fear of chasing them away. We must find ways to challenge these deeply ingrained gender roles around emotional labor, and loudly voice our expectations, desires, and needs from day one.

I don’t want an “easy” relationship, and I don’t want to live in a world where we are teaching men that an easy relationship is even an option.

We all deserve better than that, my sweet sisters.

If we all start demanding more, the men will eventually catch up.

<3

Jessi

The post {#TransparentTuesday} Emotional labor. appeared first on Jessi Kneeland.

http://ift.tt/2ibHaJE