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adamwatchesmovies · 4 years ago

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The Cat in the Hat (2003)

In 1991, Theodor Seuss Geisel died of cancer. His ashes were scattered in the Pacific Ocean but if he had been buried you'd hear him rolling in his grave every time someone brings up 2003's The Cat in the Hat. It’s the stuff of nightmares; an ugly, unfunny, badly written film that rambles as it suffocates your soul.

Conrad and Sally Walden (Spencer Breslin and Dakota Fanning) are sitting bored at home when a talking cat in a hat (Mike Myers) comes in and tells them that it’s time to play! With the help of his assistants Thing 1 and Thing 2, the fun turns out to be a bit too much for the children to handle.

Who was clamoring for The Cat in the Hat to be turned into a full-length film? At 82 minutes, you’re padding out the story so much it isn’t even the original work anymore. The cracks are filled by the lame gags courtesy of writers Alec Berg, David Mandell, and Jeff Schaffer and director Bo Welch getting on his knees and praying that Mike Myers' comedic stylings will keep the audience engaged long enough for them to reach the end credits.

Watching Myers' performance is like swallowing a sheet of sandpaper. Just thinking about it makes you wince. Not only does he look incredibly creepy - more like a man sticking his face in a painted wooden panel of a cat with a hole in its face than an actual believable creation like Jim Carrey’s Grinch - he's hardly ever funny. Three laughs. That's what you get. They're nearly ruined - but not quite - by the way he makes those phony, self-deprecating laughs of his. As though he knows we're sitting through gags that were rejected both out of his Austin Powers and Love Guru films.

My mind is swarming with half-thoughts. I’m just going to list some of the other things I disliked in no particular order. Alec Baldwin’s character, an unnecessary villain you can't even cheer for despite his hatred of Conrad. The boy and his sister. Could you find more worn-out characters than them? They're as phony as Mike Myers’ tail. Even the minor characters fill you with disdain, like Mrs. Walden's boss, played by Sean Hayes. He's another made-up character far removed from reality.

What were they thinking? Who thought the racist Asian babysitter was a good idea? Why the Paris Hilton cameo? Why the pop-culture references and obvious product placement?

Everything feels fuzzy and watered down, like a haze has engulfed my mind and I’m lost trying to feel my way through my own thoughts. Here’s another criticism: the rhyming. They don’t even try. Literally, you think they're going to but then the Cat says “I can’t do this rhyming thing”. Drawing attention to your bad screenplay doesn't suddenly make it good.

There’s just no other way to put it; The Cat in the Hat is an abomination. It’s an abortion that somehow made it through the procedure. Someone should've pulled the plug and cut their losses. Its only value is as a way to give you an out-of-body experience. Your mind will be so desperate to escape you may suddenly realize your has shifted from the screen to yourself, sitting on the couch slowly decaying. Even if you’re a fan of Mike Myers, forget about it. I bet Myers wishes he could. (On DVD, February 20, 2015)

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