#janaposts

[csjana]

27.09.24

Great news! Out of 6 applications for a****n 1 of them moved forward 1 of them still pending. The meeting with the professor was very enlightening too.

But this was all too much for lando norris. I am feeling very overwhelmed. Got back to dorm maybe I will squish my weekly reset chores (laundary, ironing and cleaning) to rest of the day so I can spend the weekend for uninterrupted work. I feel extreme guilt for every moment that I dont study now. Its gonna be okay. If I postpone this chores I wont be able to study with this mood anyway. So I will clean up my to do list. Yes. God help me

[csjana]

9.7.24

Its been almost a month since I wrapped up the term and quit my internship. To be honest.. it was a torture to be this jobless. And naturally my attention span got fucked. So i made a reading + study list and have some project ideas incase I do not get a new internship.

Currently reading Man & His Symbols.

Continuing Datacamp Associate data scientist course. (21% percent completed but may quit and start studying pytorch)

Will start studying ee circuits (bc its gonna be a massacre next semestre)

Also I should (must) start solving interview questions but thats the last thing i want to do.

[csjana]

21.09.24

Kinda get over the sickness and the menstrual pain. I managed to get myself out and got a coffee. Found a new local library and Its amazing how as soon as I step into the library my mood gets better. I did light study on algorithms and my goal for this semestre is to go through and through with the books attached to this post. In the past I studied parts of them in surface level but never in detail.

I am eliminating small chores rest of the day so I can spend the whole day at the library I found tomorrow. Its also really close to me. I feel like I find a gold mine

[csjana]

10.01

One last exam left for this term to finish completely! I want to focus on this Google course on data analytics and the certificate programme Im attending. My goal for this winter break is to build up a productive studying routine I enjoy without the stress of being tested.

Also I started working out again! Its nice to remember how refreshing it is to be physically active.

[csjana]

19.11.24

3 am in the morning. Later in the day we are gonna submit the project proposal. Rest of the team doesnt know I will give them the most prestine/precise presentation ever in the history of this lecture and also our dataset is kinda fucked up.

[csjana]

3 days of reset attempt is over. I saw a tiktok that some chinese students stay in a hotel to refresh themselves a little bit, so i tried that, slept almost 1 whole day, ate a lot and bought the watch that I wanted. I feel like, want to believe, that it gave me alittle push. Getting out from that state of relaxation was hard. I procrastinated a few hours and just jump to work without thinking. Like getting into cool water.

Today was the end of my reset and got back to work. In order to not crash completely in the middle of the finals, my goal is to remove some work ahead of me. Notes for the next 3 weeks

— be financially responsible, do not relieve stress by spending or over eating.

— have little progress but every day. Be consistent no need to have panic attack everytime I have a new responsibility.

— You are not saving lives. Enjoy the process. Everyday I wake up with a privilege of having my own space and studying what I want. Make a good use of it. Do not be avarage

— do not complain about your workload. Its a blessing

[csjana]

1.11.24

First day of october. Done with the first critical midterm of this season. Many more to go but at least it went well. If I didnt have a meeting tonight I would sleep for the rest of the day. In the midst of the week I got accepted for an interview as a researcher and couldnt even react to it because how hectic the week was.

I dont need to rest too much. Just gonna lay down and get up 4 hours prior to meeting so I can prepare and have dinner.

I feel lonely a little bit. Probably because this is a financially tight month. You might not see the causation but I actually satiate the feeling of loneliness by spending money.

[csjana]

27.10.24

Always wanted to be one of those cracked engineers that also struggles but get things done at the end. Here i am at the 9th hour of my study session living off of caffeine and supplements, trying to fix the code that was working better before i started working on it. At least i can still continue scraping, but it needs a clean up.

Its over for today my brain cant handle something more challanging than going over lecture slides right now. So i am gonna finish my lecture notes on database management systems, leave the code running and deal with the rest of the problems after sleeping a little

[csjana]

13.10.24

October is passing like someone is chasing behind her. I have midterms ahead of me this week and got included to a senior design project by one of my professors. I send the online assessment for the internship too but have no results yet. Everything is exciting and time I have is not enough to master everything. I just want to sleep less. My sleep is so heavy and I have vivid dreams every night. I dont know what to do about it just hoping this period will pass quickly. I am so excited to meet the project group members. These are the times I wish I could control my physical needs more, like sleeping eating and smoking.

[csjana]

30.09.24

All I am gonna say is Im pushing this. Just pushing and studying for the sake of studying. I am in pain. Brain wants to take nothing

[csjana]

28.09.24

I had a hard time waking up today. Yesterdays chores finished at 2am. Incredible. On the good side I have everything ready for the next 2 weeks. I just need a sharp 8 hour focus study routine. Im basically starting from scratch and going step by step since Im very afraid of missing out simple questions. Again if I think about it I have nothing to lose. This is my first serious recruitment process. Whether I get accepted for interview or not I will definitely see the benefits of my work.

While I prepare for the assessment Im trying to not to miss out on classes. Just enough to keep up with the lectures and rest of the time will be fully reserved for solving questions.

Unrelated thought: sometimes I stop and think how come I have no romantic interest/relationships. I feel kind of empty when I think about it. Not like it disrupts my general peace or anything but like how? Maybe this is the "normal". I have people that I admire or I find attractive but the premonition of never finding anyone that I connect with sexually or romantically depresses me. I examine people that are in relationships and compare myself to them to find out what am I missing. I have no motivation to improve whatever I am missing tho, just curiosity.

[csjana]

26.09.24

Couldnt make it to the class today. The prof of this lecture has an attitude and it bothers me a lot so I spend the rest of the day in the cafe and in the library.

Tomorrow I have a meeting with one of my professors. I will discuss the study abroad options with her and this will kinda determine how I will spend the next 2 years. Hoping for the best.

[csjana]

25.09.24

Applied to bunch of things booked an appointment to apply some other things.

Networking class will be amazing. I plan to take full advantage of it and learn how to hack sattelites.

I ate two portions of amazing desserts (cherry brownie and san sebastian). Today was 5/10 lots of uncertainities and underperformance.

[csjana]

24.09.24

Finally started understanding something from differential equations. Tomorrow will be the first comp networks lecture and I did not prepare at all but im happy I manage to get a seat at the class. Honestly Im verry happy with how things are going. But i also know these are the months that I am more productive in I need to focus on keeping up the routine in a reasonable tempo so I dont burn out by december

I also started integrating working out to my routine I hope it works out well. My only goal is to feel a bit strong and sleep better. Today was about 30mis beginner cardio and some core and leg exercises. I really dont want to do this. I just hope I will get used to it.

[csjana]

22.09.24

Nice day at library. This terms lectures are actually interesting and I want to take my time in all of that. I feel like I wont be able to dive in this theoretically when I actually join the workforce. My airways are a little clogged, I cannpt breathe from one of my nostrils at all, other than that today was very fine. Not very productive but a solid 6/10 in these conditions

[csjana]

16.09.24

I tried to skecth something after a very long time. Its from the comic The Veil which warms my heart a lot.

Freshly finished my second internship and school is starting tomorrow. I didnt had much time to study just went over the lecture 1 contents of tomorrows class.

I had a lot of time to think about what i did wrong or what I could have done better in past semestres. I realized the subjects of the courses I have already taken were actually really interesting and I could not be able to enjoy them without stressing. I know the stress is inevitable but this time I dont want to caught up in the current and miss actual enjoyement in learning.

About the stress management… I have decided to completely limit a persons accessibility to me. For the past 2 academic years she was acting parasitic. Both in terms of freeriding my labor and sucking up my spirit.

We have 2-3 common lectures. You are completely alone this time. I will be watching you from afar getting lost on simplest tasks, listen you cry about the same things over and over until you burn yourself out and I will take enjoyement in this. I regret letting you ruin the one thing I want to dedicate my life to. I regret letting you into my life so much that I have become this hateful of a person.

This semestre I will enjoy my work in private. Create a support system where I can geniunely share my joy without piss fight. Find people that I will be happy to help and vouch for.