#janaki to me: HE HAS ZERO SELF PRESERVATION

[cupcakesandtv]

i would like you to expand on the idea that Paxton loves Devi, please?

The thing is that Paxton loves Devi.

I just don’t see any other reasonable explanation for his behavior over the two seasons. Even when I disagree with the writing, I still think the case can be made that he’s in love with Devi. Paxton has been around. We know now that Devi is his first real girlfriend, he said as much when he told her she’s going to do his homework. “I thought we were-” (We’ll come back to this later too) He thinks “labels are cheesy” or whatever. We know Devi is his first real girlfriend/ boyfriend interaction.

There’s no shame in that, but he has been around. He’s hooked up with lots of people and he thinks dates should involve friends and video games which is wild but clearly, this has worked for him.

When Devi asked him to have sex with her no strings attached in 1x01, he agrees and then in 1x02 he’s ready to go through with it, but by the end of 1x02 it’s clear he understands Devi likes him and if they have sex, there will be strings on her part, so he sets the boundary that they aren’t going to have sex. But we all know by the look back, he’s intrigued. He’s trying to figure her out. 

Their friendship grows, but then he finds out she’s lying about them having sex and he’s hurt. He thought they were friends. He trusted Devi but she was using him for clout. She apologizes and makes amends and Paxton starts to see her as somebody he actually likes. He also didn’t correct anyone who asks about him having sex with Devi which seems in direct opposition to him in s2 saying he’s embarrassed of her, but whatever. He goes to Ben Gross’ party because of Devi. He wants to go because she’ll be there. She invites him, he’s down to go. Devi at this point is back to thinking she has a chance and she’s not reading that signal wrong. She does have a chance, Paxton rescues her, they have a smokin hot kiss where I think it was sealed for Paxton that Devi is different from the other people he’s hooked up with and he LIKES THAT SHE’S DIFFERENT. He likes her. All her weird and awkward and he genuinely is concerned about her and her feelings and everything that happened to her. He’s invested.

That kiss was technically pretty tame, but the build up, the way they both acted, before and after, Paxton converted to the Church of Devi. (literally quoting my own fic but lmao it’s the vibe!!!!! “If you kiss me again, I’m gonna have to admit that I don’t like kissing anybody else.”) He did not expect the kiss to go like that and he was pleasantly surprised. Instead of seeing her Monday, this dummy took her dress that he’d definitely laundered to her house the next day to see her. OF COURSE her mom rips him to shreds for the second time despite him only ever being kind and polite to her. (he gives good parent) So he blows Devi off for a while. Nalini hit at his biggest insecurity, his intelligence. I think she likely didn’t do very well with the comment about knocking Devi up either because Paxton is generally Mr. Responsible so I feel like that definitely hit him in a point of pride, he’s having sex but he’s not stupid, he’s safe. He tries to rebut with “we only kissed” not knowing that was just as bad to Nalini. Paxton got roasted by an adult that he will have to spend more time with if he decides to keep seeing Devi so he blows her off. His sister calls out his douchery but she gets that Devi is different to Paxton too, I think that’s why she called him out like that. He told Becca they kissed (another point for Paxton really thinking that kiss was top shelf, new bar to meet, the gold standard. God is a woman, her name is Devi Vishwakumar) So he apologizes. He braves Nalini’s wrath and spends his whole afternoon/evening waiting for Devi to get back from Malibu so he can make good and ask her out. Because now he’s solid. He likes her. She’s different. He’s opening himself up to what could be with Devi. But the date is bad because he doesn’t know what a real date is and when she tells him she’s going to India, he’s like whoa I’m all in, this is happening, “gotta make it count.” However the show wants to backtrack, Paxton was clearly into Devi. He was dating her. He wasn’t embarrassed of her. And even if labels are cheesy or whatever, by the time he finds out what she’s done, he’s deeply hurt.

This is a big turning point. He opened himself up, he knew she was different and instead of doing the regular hookup, hang out, bail, he was with Devi. 

She hurts him. He is hurt because this was his moment knowing she’s different and he acted differently, but he got played. And to boot, he breaks his arm, meaning she’s spun his whole life out of control by putting his swim scholarship chances at risk. His whole future is at risk now.

It’s reasonable for him to want nothing to do with her. He’s hurt for a while over it. His friends mock him. His future is in limbo. Paxton is upset and done with Devi. Different or not, she’s not worth it. No matter how much he liked her. No matter how vulnerable he was. 

Paxton takes his homework to Devi and lets out a little of that anger at her, he slips and says “i thought we were-” but it doesn’t matter. He’s not going to let her in anymore. He’s not going to show her how deep he was to begin with because clearly she and people around her (her mom) are adept at hitting him where it hurts so he’s using her for his grades and he doesn’t give a shit. Except very quickly he does give a shit. He feels bad. She’s doing her best to make amends and he feels like a jerk and Becca reminds him again, he’s taking the easy way out. Nobody deserves to be treated how he’s treating Devi and the thing is, he knew that. He already knew it as he was doing it. It didn’t make him feel better to treat her like shit. (We can compare this to Ben enjoying tormenting her but that’s a different discussion.)

Paxton turns the corner. He’s going to learn this stuff. He’s going to ask Devi to actually help him. She’s running herself ragged trying to do it for him and he can’t let her do that. It’s messed up and if his mom knew, she’d be horrified not because he’s cheating, but because she’s more concerned about kindness and he’s being far from kind. 

OKAY SO NOW almost immediately, once he’s asked Devi to actually help him, he shifts entirely easily and quickly into friend mode. He loves hanging out with Devi. He’s reminded that he loves hanging out with her even if she’s weird or awkward or says whatever pops into her head. He enjoys spending time with her. She’s fun and oh no when he’s close to her she’s cute and he’s reminded he was all in and when she’s smiling at him he can forget that she cheated on him. He likes her that much. He even floats the idea. “Isn’t that weird because we used to hook up?” They have that sweet heart eyes exchange but Devi pulls back and this puts Paxton on the end of “I gave my best smolder and she rejected it. We’re just friends.”

So he doesn’t move forward. Even more, the next time a moment like that hangs, he tries the opposite float “we don’t make sense” and she agrees. 

She’s upset about it but I think from his POV, she’s agreeing and he’s remembering that she hurt him BAD. She hurt him bad and her mom hates him and thinks he’s an idiot and his friends still fuck with him about getting played and they’re debating his place in the group. Who cares if Devi is pretty and he never kissed anybody like her, all these things add up to being friends and not putting himself out there for her to hurt him again. But unlike in S1, Devi takes the information, takes the friend boundary and respects it. She’s not reading between the lines anymore because she’s busy with Aneesa and thinking she wants Ben because it seems like he wants Aneesa. (WHAT I WOULD HAVE KILLED FOR PAXTON TO DROP SOME LINE LIKE “she’s not devi 2.0, there’s only you, Aneesa’s her own thing and you’re not interchangeable, even if Ben thinks so.”) So Paxton is struggling because up to this point the thing that actually kept him academically interested was Devi. He was doing his own work but he got to hang out with Devi and he had a reasonable excuse to feed his friends and anyone else about why they were hanging out and he LOVES hanging out with her. He’s tied his academic success to Devi. He’s not wrong for being upset that she ditched him several times but she’s not wrong about holding his hand through this. He has to grow up and do it for himself. 

He’s mad at her again. And I wonder if she had come around to apologizing quicker or if it had only been one thing (Just being suspended because of the Aneesa thing or JUST being mad about Aneesa and Ben) he might have jumped to accept her apology quickly. But I think that even just the fact that it took her a minute to remember he existed hurt him again. He likes Devi. He likes hanging out with Devi. Loves hanging out with her. He loses his excuse to do it because she blows him off and he can’t possibly sink to just let that go easily because he likes hanging out with her. This is like the third or fourth or fifth time she’s hurt him and he’s not fucking around. He’s done. 

Until she’s crying and walking home and he LIKES DEVI.

He knows she doesn’t talk to people well when things go bad so he offers to drive her home and he gives her space to open up and talk about it and she doesn’t really but she at least takes interest in HIM again and that’s really enough to remind him that he really likes Devi. He doesn’t ice her out anymore, he’s back to being friends with her and he’s back to having an excuse to hang out with her. And along the way he learns something about his family history, his grandfather, he goes above and beyond and he likes the way it feels. Nobody thought he could do that, certainly Ben Gross isn’t out here suggesting anyone can study and do well. He’s just an asshole who wants other people around him to be stupid so he looks better. Devi isn’t the best peer tutor because she is that good at tutoring. It’s because she believes that everybody, if they work for it, can achieve it. Education/teacher language DEVI IS ALL ABOUT THE GROWTH MINDSET. This stuff doesn’t come naturally to her. And actually if we go back to that conversation in the Jeep about Paxton accidentally swimming to San Diego, it sounds like Devi doesn’t have much that comes to her naturally except maybe making messes. She works for everything. That attitude and experience makes her more equipped to believe in others. 

So no matter what his misgivings are about being hurt again, Paxton offers himself up all wet on a platter to Devi. Coming into her window because he likes her. He likes her so much he’s willing to risk Devi hurting him again, the wrath of her mom who hits him where it hurts and does not go easy, AND gravity because remember, Trent recently fell off that roof, Paxton barely got his cast off from breaking his arm! Paxton takes a page out of Steve’s book and crawls through her window ready to be hurt again. 

And he loves spending time with her. He’s spending all that time with her. He’s finally doing what he wants, without judgement from anyone else. He’s dating Devi on his terms, as safe as he can make it. And he likes her so much. 

But Devi is reading the signals and she’s like wait a second, I like you so much I wanna go to the dance. Because you like me, so that’s a reasonable expectation. Paxton hates turning her down and tbh I don’t even know if it would have gone as badly if Trent and Marcus weren’t just behind him ready to kick dirt in her face. She fucked up their guy and she’s “crazy” and they’re gonna publicly humiliate her because she did that to Paxton. (boys are so weird honestly like just go to therapy) 

Devi says she’s not gonna be a secret and that moment when she shakes his hand, he definitely did not think that was going to happen. Devi’s not obsessed with him anymore. She knows him and she likes him AND she’s not willing to be somebody’s secret and she wants more than he’s offering.

Instead of going to the dance, he stays home. All his bros went, he’s been to prom regularly since he was in 7th grade (YIKES) but he’s sitting this out because he’s not interested in hanging out at a dance with anybody else. Except Devi. But he can’t hang out with Devi because she’s asking too much of him and he turned her down. I refuse to believe he was sitting comfortably at home NOT thinking about Devi. The show makes it seem like the counselor calling him reminds him of Devi but he was definitely thinking about her all night. Everybody is at the dance and he’s at home because he didn’t want to open himself up to not just Devi hurting him again, but also to his friends fucking with him. He’s not embarrassed of Devi. He’s worried about his place in the social hierarchy of school and she’s hurt him a lot of times. This is where he decides that Devi’s worth it. Paxton loves Devi. She’s different from all the other hookups. She’s different from his friends. They make a good team and he WANTS to be with her. He wants to hang out with her and he doesn’t need an excuse. He can just open himself up to a relationship with her and that’s all he has to do to get to hang out with Devi. A very “i love josh” moment.

So right after being terrified that he might have hurt her (seriously, if you’re a driver, you’ve prob had that nightmare) she’s okay and she’s asking him to be clear. “Damn, you’re gonna make me say it?” is much less about him thinking he’s too good for her or embarrassed of her, he’s opening himself up to Devi again. Again. And he’s willing to put it all on the line for Devi because he loves her. But he can’t tell her that because he’s not an idiot. He knows he’s been around the block more than she has and he doesn’t want to spook her, so he says “as your boyfriend” and he kisses her and they go into that dance and Paxton looks nervous but I’m gonna say it, it’s less about being embarrassed. It’s absolutely about the fact that he sees this as a big step. This is someone important and he’s growing up. Devi is worth it. Devi is special. Devi is different. Because he loves her.