#jace calls tessa aunt tess and jem uncle jem fight me i’ll win

[occasionally-good-authoring]

surviving and living, a thin line

@indigothemuse, because i finally remembered i have a taglist (you). is max lightwood technically dead? yes. will i listen to canon? fucking never

summary: Surviving is all Jace needs. All anyone ever said he needs. But life creeps in, who is he to stop it?

Surviving. It’s what Shadowhunters do, what they learn to do as children and are expected to do until they don’t. Survive, survive, survive. 

But nobody ever says anything about living. Or Jace just didn’t hear anything if they did. So he learns his runes, his weapons, the languages, the democracy, the strategy. Survive, survive, survive. That’s all he ever hears. 

Life was an afterthought, something he didn’t really need. What needed was to survive, and one doesn’t need to live to survive. So he didn’t. He survived in broken bones, bleeding knuckles, chipped teeth, healing runes. Survive, survive, survive. That’s all he ever does. 

Nightmares wake him up stifling screams, dry heaving, heart pounding, fingernails digging in. He dealt with it, living off caffeine and desperation at the age of ten. Maryse and Robert never wonder who’s drinking the cups missing from the pot. Getting better is living, and that’s not what Jace has to do, and Jace only has to survive. Survive, survive, survive.

He becomes parabatai with Alec, the rune heavy on the inside of his wrist. It’s about survival. A parabatai is a promise of safety in the field, it’s a vow of your back being watched and an extension of yourself in another. It’s survival. It’s a battle. It’s war. Survive, survive, survive.

Max is there, following Jace. He wants to learn, but not to survive. Because he wants to live. Jace doesn’t understand, yet finds himself teaching Max anyway, giving Max the toy soldier, the only thing left from his father. It’s about survival, he tells himself, when Max is old he will be another watching my back. Survive, survive, survive. That’s what he tells himself.

Izzy teaches him how to dress, how to do makeup, how to dye hair. He tells himself it’s survival, if he needs to hide he can, change his appearance in a moment. But Izzy laughs and maybe he smiles, and maybe it’s for real. No, it’s gaining her trust. It’s survival, another pair of eyes who are trained on his back. Survive, survive, survive.

Clary and Simon come along. Clary’s angry, Simon’s a wonder. They’re both laughing and neither of them are of any use to him. But then Clary can make runes and she brings Simon along. It’s about survival, not the growth in his heart when Clary smiles or Simon laughs. Survive, survive, survive.

His father’s alive, really alive and really not Michael Wayland. Valentine. Valentine Morgenstern, Jace Morgenstern, Clary Morgenstern. One survives, two live. Jace tries to escape, tries to kill Valentine. It’s about survival, he tells himself. With Valentine alive, he’ll never survive. But the bile rising in his throat when the man smiles isn’t about survival. He swallows it down. Survive, survive, survive. That’s all this is about. 

There’s something odd about Simon. In the way he smiles, laughs, talks, moves, dances, sings, yells, screams, cries. In the way he wakes up screaming, crying, checking for a pulse he can’t feel. There’s a fire behind all of it, a fire that’s not just survival. It’s living. Survive, survive, survive. That’s what Jace wants to do, right?

Magnus drags him out of the gym, a quick healing spell on the knuckles he has never wrapped. There’s not mention of Alec, who always tries to get Jace out. He gets Jace a new wardrobe, makeup of his own, a dye job so good it looks real. The pink looks odd, leaving a flutter in Jace’s heart, tears stuck in his throat, a hug on his arms, dancing in his fingers. He doesn’t. That’s not survival, so Jace pushes it down but he knows Magnus saw that smile. Survive, survive, survive. Is that all he’s doing?

Maia and Simon drag him to Simon’s apartment, putting on a movie they call a slasher, telling him he hasn’t seen a movie until he’s watched a two star horror movie. They laugh and talk the whole time. Jace lets a small laugh out, and maybe his fingers dance a bit. Maia and Simon don’t just survive, not like him. Survive, survive, survive. Maybe he wants more.

Alec and Izzy are there at his next nightmare, where he let himself scream when he woke. They hold him, rub where his fingernails dug in, putting on Batman band-aids Clary bought for Max. He cries into Alec’s shoulder, holds Izzy’s hand, doesn’t talk about the things he saw, and they don’t need him to. Max joins, silent as he joins in, tapping out I-T-S O-K-A-Y in the morse code Jace taught him. This isn’t survival, but Jace does it anyway. And maybe he does it over and over again. Survive, survive, live.

He sits down with Simon, teaching him piano with all the gentle touch and words he didn’t get. Simon messes up, Jace puts his fingers on the right keys, the ache of a snap fading in his own. Simon sees the tears gathering on his brass eyelashes, he waits, cries along with Jace when he talks about what happened in that Manor for the first time. Survive, survive, live.

Game night at Magnus’. The first one Jace goes to. They welcome him with cheers and smiles, act like he’s always come. No touches are given, and maybe for the first time in a long time he would accept them without a flinch first. When Raphael wins Monopoly, he gives Jace a smile and there’s that flutter in his heart that means not-just-survival. Survive, live, live.

Alec, Izzy, and Max listen as Jace talks. Voice cracking, tears falling, fingernails kept from digger by Lightwood hands, body aching with bruises long gone. They apologize for things done by a man so hardly a man. They promise safety. They say wipe away tears and hold him once they make sure it’s allowed. Survive, live, live.

Tessa and Jem tell him stories about Will, hearts aching with bittersweet love lost. Jace feels family grow. Aunt Tess, Uncle Jem. Not blood, but water is better anyway. To hell with the thick red running in his veins, Aunt Tess, Uncle Jem, little Mina, cousin Kit, whose more brother than cousin. Only Kit is blood, but no better than any of the rest. Survive, live, live.

Simon and Maia laugh over a Player’s Handbook he doesn’t really understand. Green dice, numbered in gold are rolled. A sheet of paper is filled, and they help him all the way through creating a character. They teach him the rules, show him what to do. He feels warmth grow up from his stomach when they listen to him talk about the weapons in their game, explain how they work, where they’re from. When his fingers dance, Simon and Maia smiles and Jace realizes his finger dance is Simon’s rock, Maia’s hand flap. Survive, live, live. 

Alec, Izzy, and Max laugh with Jace over too much food ordered at Taki’s. Jace smiles, laughs, talks, fingers dancing when they listen to him talk about Shakespeare. He explains the tragedy of Hamlet, and the jokes they speak are never about him. Max sees his fingers dance and tells Jace how he likes to bounce. Alec and Izzy smiles and know, never mock or try to stop. This isn’t survival, and it’s better than just that. Live, live, live.

Maia and Simon ask him to a movie at Simon’s apartment. Food is tossed into mouths, Jace’s fingers dance, Simon rocks on the balls of his feet, Maia’s hands flap. Maia lays her head on Simon’s lap, asks to put her feet in Jace’s. A yes is said, and he means it. Hesitation when kisses are asked next, they don’t. Simon and Maia don’t ask again. The next week another movie, Simon curled against Maia, hand entwined with Jace. Kisses are asked for, and this time Jace knows he wants it. They make sure, he is. Live, live, live. 

Magnus takes him shopping again, Aunt Tess and Uncle Jem come to. Jem tells him about violin, offers Jace lessons when interest is shown. Magnus knows a place, just like he always does. Aunt Tess shows him her favorite books, Jace shows her his. Magnus buys them, shaking off offers to pay him back with laughs and it’s no problem. Live, live, live. 

Shadowhunters are taught to survive, nobody talks about living. But Jace won’t just survive anymore. He’ll live. He’ll heal, even if the nightmares don’t go away, even if unwelcome touch still causes a flinch. Live, live, live. A lesson he had to learn, but a welcome one. 

Live, live, live. What is survival without the life behind it? Live, live, live. That is what Jace will do.