#ive went through way worse shit why should this even matter ykwim

[gothgarbageboy]

hi kinda personal stuff this may get long (old post below)

i was contemplating not posting this but i wont tag it and most probably nobody will see so doesn't matter also it's my blog i do what i want but i was scrolling through older stuff on my blog to appropriately tag them and saw this, it is getting me thinking. at 6 am. waking up from a restless sleep. lmfao.

it was most definitely not "healthier" keeping it to myself. i only said that so i don't worry people. anxiety is one hell of a bitch and to say i don't struggle right now and am not actively fighting this mindset i've drilled into my head all my life for no reason, it would be a lie. but man i'm glad it's not as bad as it was. not even a few years back i did this shit so often, even when (or especially when) i had a bigger following. this one was even worded way more nicely than other times i did it. idk why there's just this intense shame w making and posting any sort of art or just saying things in general or being seen. i used to always delete everything on my profile n go "yea everything i make is shit please unfollow me" and started sharing less and less art and feeling like my entire self worth was hanging on by how i felt about my art. even when i made something i felt looked good i'd think "surely i'm overlooking how bad this actually is" n i did this for YEARS... and for what. it did nothing, just upset my friends. idk, i still fight this actively but it's bizarre and also a relief to see that i've made progress. i don't think making bad art should be this big of a deal anyway, even if i make the worst shit known to man and everyone hates it, so what? no really what happens? its always been this hypothetical of "someone out there is gonna despise this secretly and i need to see it from their point of view whether or not they actually exist, just in case." i cant believe millions of years of evolution led to this. are we forreal. i still delete stuff sometimes but it doesnt feel like its as much of a big deal. yea like i'll make and post dogshit art, and? okay, and? there's always this delete this "OR ELSE" but i have got to realize there's nothing after that. or else what? nothing. just the or else is scary, it shouldn't be. i will be cringe that is a promise. more in tags lol