#ive wasted so much of my life thinking about a partner

[urdtarah]

ugggggggggghhh

[flight-freedom]

Me: Gee, I should really be in bed or doing something productive but I lack the motivation, to do either..

Unfortunately Also Me: guess it's time open innumerable tabs of Wikipedia pages about an obscure topic:

[prettyboykatsuki]

oliver talking his partner through it and calling him d**** god your brain is so huge my stomach hurts thinking about this. he’ll never tell you he loves you to your face and tries to fuck you more like he hates you because he doesn’t want to get too attached but as you’re getting close he’s all in your face and your neck, teasing you, biting your ear and softly begging you to tell him how you feel, how it’ll be better for him if you tell d**** just how close you are and how much you need him. takes you over the crest so sweetly, and continues rolling into you, chasing his own. his kisses are nonstop and so overwhelming, and he knows they are but he just really needs to connect with you like this. never the first to say “i love you” but unfortunately (in his opinion) he expresses it in so many other ways. sorry.

but i crumble completely when you cry | a. oliver

✮ tags ; DADDY KINK, afab + fem!reader, situationship!oliver, hooking up, unresolved romantic tension, p in v, praise, soft sex, it gets emotionally strange, riding, creampies, unprotected sex, under-negotiated kink in a sense though oliver is very careful

✮ wc ; 2.2k (i dont want to talk about it)

✮ a/n ; anon im going to haunt your dreams for putting this absurd image into my head when i dont even go here im crying screaming throwing up ive been thinking about it for hours. hours of my life wasted on this guys dick. upsetting!!!!!

also i do not write this often and do not plan too again any time soon so if ur seeing this and thinking about following me for content like it i would not recommend!!!

✮ synopsis ; you don't trust oliver with your heart or your feelings. nor do you expect anything from him.

but it's hard not to lean into him when he decides to cradle you so gently.

Your relationship with Oliver is both very ambiguous and very clear.

There's a line drawn, and you both steer clear of crossing it in your interactions. Oliver is fun. He's attractive and charming, a massive flirt but just genuine enough to be interesting.

It helps that he's hot. Physically, he's got an unreal build.

He's an athlete, so he's big. Wide chest and strong arms, thick thighs and the height to top it off. He's 6'3, and he's sexy (and his dick is huge) - and you sleep with him because of that. You don't date him explicitly because he's a womanizer. If you'd met when you were a little younger, a little more naive - you might've tried to dog-train him into being your boyfriend.

Because on top of the immaculate dick, he's fun to be around. He's funny, he drinks well, he's not a scumbag in the ways that turn you off.

You're old enough to know better. You have a career. You're too busy, and too jaded about love to try and fix whatever weird shit he has going on. So even if the two of you harbor some sort of emotional or romantic feelings for each other, you're smart enough to not get invested in those feelings and smart enough to have no expectations.

Oliver is your fun. He's your sneaky link, your weekend off. You come to him to blow off steam. You have rough, fast sex and it's good. Sometimes you chill afterwards, and you'll indulge each other in some physical affection but other times you take your shower and leave. It's a good time, and you know well enough not to ever ask him for any of your emotional needs. You have your therapist and girl friends for that.

Normally, when you're having a rough week - it's prime time to go to him. He'll fuck you a little harder than usual, and sometimes he's nice enough to kiss it better. But it's still, very distinctly, never crossing that boundary.

But some weeks, like this week - shit is bad. Not just stressful bad, but everything in the fucking world that could go wrong, is going wrong bad. It's not the kind of thing you can get over by compartmentalizing and even when you try to do your usual thing it doesn't really work.

You're trying right now - to get over the fucked up week you had. And you're turned on, but somehow - it's still not enough to get you completely out of it.

Oliver pauses mid stroke, in missionary - hetero-chromatic eyes staring you down as your thoughts are somewhere else completely. You don't notice the first time he stops, or the first time he calls you.

And he only gets your attention by cupping your face and making you look at him. You startle as you cast your glance his way.

"What's with you?" He asks, though he's not pissed or anything "Not feelin' it? Want me to stop?"

"No, you don't have too."

"Not what I asked," He chastises, letting go of your face "Not having your full attention is making me go soft,"

This makes you laugh, and Oliver cracks a smile seeing the tension melt off your face if only slightly.

"I'm cool with stopping." He assures. You let your hand reach up to his shoulder.

"It's not like I want to stop, necessarily? Like I wanna do something to get my mind off it and sex feels like the best option, but you know how it goes sometimes," You say, trying your best to avoid the emotional baggage of your words "We can stop though. I'll pay you for your wasted time," You tack the joke on at the end to ease the tension.

You're expecting him to pull out and stop, or maybe challenge himself into fucking you so good that you forget. Something more quintessentially Oliver than what he does do.

He gives you a blank look first, than a laugh that is a touch too sincere for you to be comfortable "That bad of a week?"

You're suddenly in dangerous territory. Somehow, this strange intimacy makes all the hairs on the back of your neck stand up. You swallow thickly, the emotions coming over you so quick you end up looking away.

"Yeah. You know. It's fine, but you know."

"Mm," He says. He leans into your space. His breath is warm and his stubble tickles your skin as he whispers in your ear. You feel your breath hitch. And the air feels heavy "Wanna try somethin' else?"

"Like what?"

"A surprise," He says first, and find your stomach tightening. A hollowness in your nerves "Gotta trust me."

"You're scaring me." You joke.

"I'm a sex expert, you know?" Oliver says, humming against your skin "If I can't remedy your little problem with my dick, it's bad for my street cred. My yelp reviews will tank."

"You're such a dumbass."

"Do you trust me?"

You don't know how to answer. Yes, for the most part. Not with everything, but with your pleasure at least. Whatever this is, it doesn't feel the same. But you say yes, anyways. Oliver kisses your jaw in reply, then he pulls out.

He flips position easily. He ends up on his back, then he grabs you to rest on top of him. You're not sure what you're expecting. He holds you by your hips as your sex hovers over his cock. His thumb is rubbing circles into your skin as he sinks you down slowly onto him.

You only stare at him, mouth opening as you feel him stretch you open for a second time.

You're more aware of it this way. He's so thick, and so intrusive - and normally, you're feeling that in hard strokes. Fast and rough, like something knocking into your cervix. But like this, he's hitting a deep angle. You can feel every curve, every inch, as you come down slowly.

He keeps you there. For longer than you'd expect. Just keeps you, settles you, holds you gently. You stare at him as he grabs your hand, locking your fingers. Your first instinct is to panic, or crack a joke - but there's an intense look in his eye that shuts you up.

Uncharacteristically gentle, you find yourself frightened. Oliver's hands reach for you again. They hold your waist and slide up the planes of your body. He holds your tits in his palms and squeezes.

He does this a lot, but there's not usually this much touching. This much foreplay. It's grabby, a deeper pressure. He doesn't...feel you, in the way he is now. You stare at him, and he looks back at you so fondly you feel a strange urge to pretend it never happened.

"Play with your clit," He says, though there's no urgency in his voice.

Deep and smooth, the timbre in it has you shaking. You listen, on auto-pilot as you play with yourself clumsily and build a slow pressure. He just watches.

"C'mere, baby. And don't stop touching yourself."

Another pause. It's not the first time he's called you that. He likes to call you all sorts of things when you're fucking, and baby is one of the few. But not like that. Not like this. He gives you a lazy, self satisfied smile and encourages you by placing a hand on where he can reach on your low back.

You lean down, and Oliver tucks you into his chest. He's warm, and strong - and smells so good, like musk and cologne. Your free hand is on his chest, as he grips your hips and fucks up into you.

"That's it," His voice is pleasant to your ears. It feels funny to you "Just gotta listen to me."

He starts fucking you slowly. It's a familiar feeling, a pleasant stretch that dulls into a euphoric fullness. But it's never been this slow before. Each thrust is slow, and punctual, and so deep you feel yourself gasping. It's not enough to push you over the edge, but it's enough to make your mind feel a little numb.

You think he's going to keep at you like this, maybe edge you to take you out of it. But he doesn't. He keeps his pace.

"Had a hard time this week, didn't you, tough girl?" He mumbles, so low it doesn't feel real. You feel your heart start to race. You feel your throat start to close around something, choking "Did a good job and came to me. Gonna let me take care of it?"

You stumble. You aren't sure what to say, you nod and hope he feels it. He laughs a little. You can't be sure if you're fucking Oliver or not.

You know it's him but he's never been like this. Not once. Not ever.

"Gonna let daddy take care of you?" He says, though it's tentative. Your breath hitches. Something strange overwhelms your senses "Tell me, baby."

"Uhm," Your first reaction is a sense of resistance, an immediate pull away. Not that you hate it but you aren't sure how to adjust. You squirm, but you don't tell him no. You feel like you can't in this state "Uh-uh,"

He keeps surprising you, pressing his lips to yours where you hover over him, tender as he ups the pace of his thrusts.

"That's what I like to hear," He almost sounds proud "You'll hurt your head if you think too much. And I'd be a bad daddy, letting that happen, yeah?"

A vulnerable, foreign sensation drives you to speak "You're not bad in that way."

He laughs "Just in other ways, right?"

You giggle "Uh-huh."

"But not in this one," He repeats, very carefully. He fucks into you harder now, pays extra special attention to you. It's all for you, is what he's saying in a language completely foreign yet somehow so known. One only the two of you will ever know fully, confined in the four walls of this room "Daddy is good at taking care of you like this, so you should let him do just that. Tough girls always need their daddies, hm?"

It's what ends up tipping you up over the edge. You cling to him, succumbing to whatever weird space the two of you have fallen into you. Suspended in this odd sense of comfort that Oliver has thrust you in unannounced.

You don't trust Oliver with a lot, and this is more than what you should ever find yourself giving. In the back of your head you think you should pull away.

But he's comforting. It feels good, and strangely feels safe - and even for all the ways he's awful, you trust he'd never do anything bad to you. Even if it's a blip in the timeline, for now it's what you need. A blurry cross into your emotional needs that translate into your physical ones. Too much and so overwhelming, you hug closer to him and take a deep breath.

"Mm," You let yourself lean into him. Just this once, you promise yourself. "I wanna cum."

"Want it a little harder?"

"Mhm,"

"Then Daddy will give it to you a little harder, yeah? Anything for you." He says, and you try not to think to deeply on what that really means. Because even in this state you know it's not nothing, but you should never pry "Daddy can give you anything you want."

"Yeah?"

He chuckles a little as he fucks into you hard. Fucks into you how you need. You're wet enough, and wondering if you were always so into being doted on. Or if it's just the fact that it's Oliver. Another thing you decide to overlook as you zero in on the sensation of being pistoned from underneath. You're soaking. The room noisy with the sticky noise of Olivers cock penetrating you over and over, skin hitting skin as his hips press against your ass. His grip is bruising but not intentionally, his chest huffed in pleasure.

He's just as close as you are, you know all of his cues. You play with your clit faster, sensitive bud throbbing hard as all the blood rushes south. Your mouth has fallen open as the slow, thick desire coiling and culminating into something cosmic. Something big and heavy, but not too fast. Not a crash landing like you're used to.

But a single weight, the force of a star dropping to Earth. You figure Oliver is the gravity in your universe, holding you down so you don't float too far. You want to cling onto him for much longer.

And somehow, you're inclined to think he would let you.

"Oliver," You say his name as it builds, then decide on something else "Daddy,"

"I'm here, baby," He says back, like it's all he has to say for everything to make sense when nothing about this does "I'm right here. Let go."

So you do. You cum hard, and it comes in long never ending waves. Too much. It makes you collapse in Olivers arms, both arms coming around his neck as he continues to fuck you through the aftermath.

"Gonna," He voices, rasping as his thrusts become sloppy "Shit. Cumming, shit."

He cums with you, cums deep inside like usual and you mewl at the feeling of being filled with hot, sticky seed.

When it's over, you're almost afraid to look at him. When the tensions settled, and his chest goes back to it's steady breaths - you wonder whats going to happen next.

"Wanna stay like this for a while?"

You nod.

"Mm. Sleepy."

"Stay like this, then. I'll wake you in a little."

"So you can kick me out?" You joke, trying to pretend nothing is different. He pauses.

"Just to shower," He whispers, hand resting on your lower back "Sleep."

There's too much to think about. Tomorrow will be strange. You let yourself succumb to your own exhaustion.

"Okay."

[kichikichiko]

Hello! I hope you're having a good time,I would like to request Kazuha and scaramouche with a gender neutral reader Who almost died protecting them?

If you don't feel comfortable doing this, don't do it. Thank you so much!

Don't you dare leave me!

HELLO HI EVERYONE! HAPPY (BELATED) NEW YEARS! 😻😻😻🌟🌟🌟

I've had this request in my ask box for MONTHS and Ive planned to write it when I got it but ykkkk life happens.

Ty Anon for sending this in and sorry it took me this long to write your request 💔

Synopsis: How your partner would react to when you risk your life to save them.

Pairing: Kazuha x Gn! Reader and Scara x Gn! Reader

Cw: Semi proof-read, Fluff, headcanon, slight blood mention, cursing for Scara, Established relationship (Kazuha), kiss at the end (Scara)

──────•❥❥❥•──────

KAEDEHARA KAZUHA ¤ Scarlet leaves pursue wild waves

It was around the time the Raiden Shogun declared the vision hunting decree, and right after Kazuha's dear friend Tomo passed trying to withsand the musou no hitotachi.

You were away for training with your teacher. And as you walked home you heard of the commotion on the streets

"That guy died from the Shogun's strike" "what was he thinking?! He is obviously no match for the Shogun"

Hearing all of the whispers made you a little worried. And something told you that it was terrible news. What if that was someone you knew personally?

Assuring yourself that it's probably just some stupid samurai off the streets is what you did. Trying to block out all the whisperd and worries of the city folk.

Until you heard his name from a group of people talking about what just happened. "...Kaedehara...."

Your boyfriend who you haven't seen since this morning. You stopped on your tracks and turned around hoping you heard that wrong.

"What did you say?"

"Pardon?" The person asked.

"The name." You repeated "the name you mentioned before, what was it again?"

"Kaedehara. Kaedehara Kazuha?" The person said confused by your expression growing more and more distraught by the second

"What happened to him? Did he..." you couldnt even get yourself to finish that sentence. You didnt want to believe that HE was the one who challenged the Raiden Shogun

"No dont worry (miss/sir) it's not him who died. Its another guy, but Kaedehara was seen on the scene taking the dead vision and running off. From what I've heard he's running away right now"

Without wasting another second you booked it to the nearest port. You had no idea if he was going to be there as he escaped but it's worth the shot anyways.

Panting and gasping through the bamboo forest while thinking about the fate of your boyfriend isn't the best combination.

"What if he got caught?" "What if he already left?" "What if that stranger was mistaken?" The what if questions were not helping you at all.

So all you did was to hope. Hope that he is still alive, hope that he is still in Inazuma

Your legs were killing you and your lungs feel like they're about to explode if you don't stop running. But you can't

You need to see Kazuha.

As if the Archon's heard your prayers, all of a sudden you hear a guard shouting in a distance "Kaedehara Kazuha you're under arrest under the vision hunting decree!"

"It's him! He's still here!" Relieved he hasn't made it out of Inazuma yet, you started running even faster to the scene.

When you got there you saw Kazuha fighting a bunch of the Shogun's guards left and right. "Kazuha!" You shouted out in relief, as you drew out your katana (sword) and began helping him fight.

You bear no vision, but the adrenaline was pumping into your veins you didnt give a second thought and dove into the fight.

"(Name)??" Kazuha turned around to look at you for a split second. Honestly if it werent for the current condition youre both in, he'd hug you real tight

"How did you find me?" He asked before turning his head around and defend himself from the guards.

"I heard from the city folks hat you ran away after a man died from the musou no hitotachi" you responded, blocking a strike from another guard.

He made a mental note to explain to you the story after the fight is over.

Speaking of which, the fight lasted for quite sometime until all of the shogun's minions were down.

You turned around and hugged Kazuha, throwing your weapon onto the ground.

"I'm so glad youre safe Kaz" you burried your bead into his shoulder, still panting from all that fighting, adrenaline and running.

Kazuha was panting as well, hugging you tighter like never before and kissed your forehead softly "Me too (name), I'm so sorry I didn't come to you sooner and told you anything. Everything happened so fast, I had to leave before I got caught."

You pulled away from the hug and smiled at him softly, your breathing becoming more stable after a while "That's alright, I found you just in time-"

Something was moving behind Kazuha and you couldn't make it what it was until you could.

It was the Shogun's guard again, with a bow and arrow... aimed at Kazuha's back. Your heart dropped

before the guard should release the arrow you pushed Kazuha away and took the hit.

The arrow ended up piercing your shoulder which earned a shout from you. It hurted like hell and blood started flowing out of your shoulder by the minute.

At first you felt dizzy from the blood loss and then everything went dark. You were going in and out, Before you blacked out completely, the first time you saw Kazuha charging up to the guard and fought him. The next time you saw him picking you up bridal style

And the last thing you heard was " (name) Don't you dare leave me!"

♤

The first thing you saw when you woke up was a wooden ceiling above you. "Where am I?" You sat up and hissed from the pain on your shoulder. You took a look at thr soirce of the pain and to your surprise, the wounded area had been wrapped with a compression bandage.

Looking around at the area you realised you ended up on a ship. But how?

Before you could ask more questions, the door in front of you opened, and standing there was Kazuha. The man saw that you were awake and sped walk towards you.

"You're awake! Thank goodness. Don't worry everythings alright. We're on a ship of a pirate captain from Liyue and she got her crew to help stop the bleeding on your shoulder."

Ah, he basically just answered the questions that were popping up in your head. "Looks like we'll have to thank this pirate captain for her hospitality"

You looked at the current condition of your lover. His shoulders were tense and his lips forced into a small smile.

You could tell it was so that you wouldn't be alarmed. And you could tell he was still shaken up by the stunt you pulled earlier.

"I'm sorry my love, for scaring you like that." Placing your hand on his shoulder, then slowly making your way up to his cheek. "I'm safe, youre safe. That's all that matters."

You could see his eyes softening and his shoulders becoming less tense

"Youre right... youre right. You just got me worried back there. I was afraid I might lose you too." He whispered softly, cupping his hand over your hand.

Subconciously he gripped your hand hard enough to make you notice but not hard enough to hurt you.

He didn't have to elaborate any further for you to realise that his dear friend was the one who died.

"I won't leave you here alone dear. That's a promise." pulling him into a hug, which he reciprocated quickly

"What now?" Is a question you both will figure out later.

Right now, the only thing that matters is the two of you.

SCARAMOUCHE/ KUNIKUZUSHI ¤ The Balladeer

Being the Balladeer's assistant was no easy job

Literally.

Having to deal with his yelling, degration, mocks, (tantrums) and bad temper required patience. Lots of it

But no matter how many times he left you out in the snow to freeze, or mocked you in front of everyone, you stayed by him. Honestly no one understood how and why (and neither did Scara but he would never question it)

Partially because the pay is good (the harbingers decided to pay you extra because youre dealing with Scaramouche), partially because you don't get treated as half as bad as his subordinates and because sometimes he isn't so bad in general.

What I mean by "not so bad" is that sometimes, barely, but once in a blue moon. He shows that he cares and appreciates your help and loyalty.

When he was sent out on a mission to Inazuma, you couldn't come to help him due to unfortunate circumstances. He was pissed to say the least

surprisingly not at you but at the higher ups for not allowing you, his assistant to come

he brought you a souvenier from Inazuma. Nothing much and nothing grand, but it is something from your boss so you treasure it.

Another time you got sick with the flu, at first he was pissed (when is he not 💀🖕) but then at night, he came over to give you some soup

By the Balladeer's words it is to "Make you get better soon so you can work again. I can't manage all this shit by myself"

Which you translated it to "I miss your company and I need your help with my tasks"

Either way you appreciated his kindness.

♤

Scaramouche and you were sent out on a mission together to the chasm. Usually they wouldn't send the harbingers down there, but an important relic from an unknown lost civilization was found, and the fatui wants to study it.

As the 2 of you were down there, all you (other than trying to find the relic) did was listen to his occasional rants and curses to the other harbingers for sending him on this mission.

"Annoyed as always" you rolled your eyes.

When the relic was found and secured safely, the two of you nodded at each other as a sign that you both should head out as soon as possible

Luckily Scaramouche and you didn't run into any enemies which was....

"Strange" you mumbled to yourself, brows furrowed and eyeing the caves

"What is?" taking a glance behind to look at you as he was right in front of you

"It's just that we haven't bumped into any monsters or enemies during our time here." You started

"There's always enemies down here at the chasm"

Scaramouche shrugged at you "Maybe theyre taking a nice long nap, or maybe they know their place and not to mess with us." He was half sarcastic and half serious. Either way, he wasn't bothered by this at all

You nodded at him. Not necessarily because you agree with him

But mainly because you're quite unsettled about the whole situation to the point where you'd just hope he was right

Something must be wrong with the universe because not long after, a mob of hillichurls showed up

Scaramouche groaned, getting ready to fight "Great you jinxed it."

They were just a bunch of hillichurls so it really didn't take long for Scara to handle it while you guard the relic

"Let's just get out of here before I have to deal with those i-" before your boss could finish his sentence an abyss herald showed up

When it showed up, you drew out your weapon getting ready to fight. He was no easy foe and even if you knew Scara could handle it...

Something was telling you thing's were about to go south.

You and him started fighting the Abyss enemy

Scara with his electro powers and you with your (vision of choice)

"Hey (name) fuck off I can handle this myself you know?!" He shouted at you

"No you can't Scaramouche!" You retaliated, not listening to another word he says because you were getting more and more pissed by his antics "Just shut up and let me help!"

With the way you disobeyed his orders AND talk back at him got him taken aback and angry at you

"Why this little bitch!" He wanted to say

Scara just gave the abyss herald an opening to launch an attack at him

"Scara watch out!" Luckily you saw right on time and threw yourself in front of Scara to protect him

The attack was so bad you started coughing out blood from the impact. Everything started to become blurry and you lost your balance and strength, dropping your weapon in the process

Before you blacked out you heard Scara scream out something you couldn't quite make out and then... total darkness.

♤

"Don't you dare leave me here!" Echoed in your mind before you awoke in a bed in a strange place. This wasn't Snezhnaya and you know it.

"Where am I? And who said that sentence when I was asleep?" You asked yourself, slowly sitting up from the bed with a groan.

The door on your right opened and in came your boss

"Scara..!" You managed to say. Your voice came out soft and sort of like a wheeze. The impact of the attack seemed to affect your ability to talk as well

"Shh. Don't talk. The doctor said your vocal cord needs rest." Making his way to your bed, and sat by the edge

You closed your mouth but it was clear you had many questions. Scara frowed a little but started answering the questions he knows you'll anyways

"We're still in Liyue. I managed to carry you out of the chasm and the relic I handed off to some fatui members I saw on the way to the doctor.... and you've been out for 3 days now. I was..." he paused and looked away

"Starting to get worried." You didn't have to see his face to know that his expression softened.

Now it all makes sense, you now know what Scara said before you blacked out.

"Don't you dare leave me here!" It was also the sentence that echoed in your mind while you were asleep.

You knew long ago that the all so scary Balladeer had developed feelings for you. It was the little things he did for you that made you question but today, this whole incident made it clear to you that the 6th Fatui Harbinger harbours feelings for his assistant.

You did as well of course. Even though he was a pain in the ass sometimes, it feels as if no one understand you more than he does, and likewise.

Scooting closer to the harbinger, you brought your hand up to his cheek and made him face you.

He saw your expression and even though you said nothing, he knew what you meant. "I'm not leaving you here."

You both slowly moved closer and kissed each other, removing all the tension in the balladeers shoulder.

──────•❥❥❥•──────

Request

Masterlist here!

[xkaidaxxxx]

Electric Future

Denki x Reader

Mentions: Virgin reader, Nsfw, angst, fluff AGED UP

reblogs are appreciated <3

As a Pro Hero you always considered eventually settling down by 24. You thought it's a good age. You want to do it with someone you’re in love with and someone who loves you just as much in return. The man you’re with is Denki. He’s your partner in crime. You’re best friend and someone you love unconditionally. 

The pair of you worked so hard to become Pro Heroes. You both sacrificed so much. When you go on dates you’ve caught yourself looking at couples with babies or toddlers having fun. You’re 25 and ready, to be married, have a warm and beautiful home, and become a mother, however, you don’t want to ruin things with Denki if he disagrees. You’ve been dying to tell him, but you’re not even engaged. He never mentioned getting married let alone be a dad. You’ve been with him since the 2nd year of high school. 7yrs. 

“ Can we talk? It’s serious. It’s something I’ve been wanting to tell you.” You said sitting down with him on the couch. “ Yeah babe. What is it?” he replied, giving you his undivided attention. “ I-Ive been thinking abo- about redecorating my room!” you said. You turned into a fucking chicken. “ Babe, I'll definitely help. Don’t stress about it.” he replied, handing you a slice of pizza. It was movie night. Not a good time, then again life isn’t rainbows and  butterflies. There won’t ever be a perfect time. The following morning it was girls day. 

“You need to tell him Y/n, otherwise you’ll be wasting time.” Uraraka said drinking coffee. “ I agree with her. If you’re ready to settle down you need to let him know and see how he truly feels about it.” Mina said. “ Try to tell him again and keep in mind that no matter what happens everything will be okay.” Momo said. You love your girlfriends and they love you too. You nodded. 

A month passed and you finally put yourself together. You ate dinner with him. “ Denki…I need to tell you something important.” you spoke up. He nodded as he took a bite of his chicken. “ I love being a Pro Hero but I’ve always wanted to settle down at 25. Be engaged or married, have a home and be a mother. I’m ready to do that. Before you say if i’m sure, I am 100% sure. I’m ready to settle down.” you said to him.  You braced yourself for any type of reaction. He stood up. “ I can’t give you that Y/n. I’m not looking for that.” he replied. You gripped the ring box in your hand. “ Denki, we've been together for 8 years. What have we been doing then?” you asked, crying. “ 7years I get it. You don’t have to remind me!” he yelled. You felt sick to your stomach. “ I can’t do it. I love being a Hero. It’s always been my dream and I’ve achieved it! If I get married and have a child it will only hold me back. Being a boyfriend is what's best.” He said. “ I’d hold you back…being your girlfriend is alright though.” you said crying. “Yes. I’m sorry but if you’re ready to settle down, look for someone else but don’t forget I love you.” he said. His words hit you like bullets. You threw the box at him. He opened it and saw a great ring that it's meant for him. “ You told me we’d be together forever. Get out of my house.” You cried. He grabbed his things and left. You broke down.

It’s been 2 weeks since the breakup and you were a mess. You haven’t showered, your hair is a mess, all you ate was takeout food from Uber eats. You put your phone on DND. You went online to see if there’s any news on him. You checked his social media and even your friends to see if he was with them. You checked to see if he’d message you or called. Nothing. Your friends thought you were missing, so guess who showed up on your front door. You went to the door thinking your food was finally there. “What the hell!?” Mina yelled. “ We’re worried about you idiot!” Kirishima yelled. “ What smells?” Uraraka questioned as they entered. Yeah you had all the take out food and snacks on the ground. Not bothering to throw it away. You were rotting on that couch. “Jesus, you need help.” Momo commented ,making face masks and handing them out. Bakugou was judging you and HARD. “ I’m sorry for making you all worry and thanks for stopping by.” you said. “What happened to you?” Sero asked. “ I got dumped and rejected by Denki.” You said drinking apple juice. “ Rejected and Dumped? Denki is in love with you. He’s head over heels. He’d do anything for you.” Bakugou said. “ Well he didn’t love me enough to even say yes to my wishes. We could’ve come to an agreement.” You spoke, grabbing a bottle of wine. “ Again what the hell.” Kirishima said. “ Yeah so my wish of getting married, having a home with him and being a mom was a big no for him. If we were, I'd be holding him back.” You cried. Sero took the bottle out of your hand and set it down. “ Let’s get you cleaned up.” Momo said gently,helping you upstairs as you cried the pain away. The guys started to clean the nasty mess. 

Uraraka turned on the bathtub to make sure the water was hot. She knows you like showering with hot water. Mina struggled to brush out the knots in your hair. “ C-Chop it off.” you said sniffling. Momo made a detangling spray and creme.She added it onto your hair. Mina brushed and it worked amazingly. Hair did fall off but it wasn’t anything crazy. “Alright y/n. It's just how you like it.” Uraraka said smiling. They helped you undress and get you into the tube. They let you take your bath. The water turned into a small shade of brown. After a bath you took a full on shower making sure you were 100% clean.

“God have mercy.” Izuku spoke as he helped pick up a pizza box that was spoiled. “This idiot is dead when I go to his place.” Bakugou spoke as he washed the dishes. “ She’s going through it…I can’t believe Kaminari would turn her down.”Kirishima said, wiping down the coffee table clean. “Maybe he was scared?” Sero suggested. “No. He’s serious about y/n.” Izuku replied. About 3 hours passed. Your house is all clean. “ We’ll talk to him.” Izuku said. “No. He’ll come to me if he wants to talk to me.” You said. “ We’re having a sleepover. You guys can leave.” Momo said. The boys left. 

A year had gone by. You’re 25. During that year you balance your life as a hero and a teacher at a U.A high school. You’re still in love with Denki. You had faith and hope he’d come back, even though it didn’t seem that way. Denki was having what looked like his best life. In reality he was a mess. You never left his mind. 

The day finally came. You were watering your plants. “ Excuse me… Y/n.” he spoke, trying to keep his voice from being shaky. You turned to him, setting down the watering can. “Hello Denki Kaminari.” You replied. He grabbed your hands. You missed his touch.“What are you doing here?” you asked. “I’ve never stopped loving you y/n. I need and want you. I can’t let you go. I’m sorry. I want eternity with you.” he said, begging god to give him a second chance of making the love of his life happy. “ That’s all I’ve been wanting, Denki.” you replied. He held you close. He had a tight grip and you didn’t mind it knowing you were holding him just as tight. “ I have something for you,if you want it.” You said walking inside with him. Your home was redecorated just like you’ve been wanting it to. You went into your closet and grabbed the special box. His eyes lit up as you showed him the ring. “ Sparky ma-” he cut you off. “Hell Yes!!!! Fuck Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.” He said aloud. You put the ring on his finger. He carried you and kissed you. Your heart melted. He was so happy and excited he released a spark shocking you.“Sorry about that.” he apologized. You smiled and kissed him. You didn’t mind  it. In fact you love it. If let you know that he’s actually there with you. “ Y/n…are you still ready to settle down?” he asked, setting you down. He held your hand. “Yes I am.” you replied smiling. He placed the other hand on your cheek looking at your beautiful face. The face he wants to wake up to for the rest of his life. “ I’m in love with you y/n.” he confessed. “I’m in love with you, sparky.” you replied. You held onto each other like never before. 

The wedding happened 5 months later. It was crazy how fast the wedding happened, especially since there's so many things involved. The honeymoon was so romantic and fun. Believe it or not you saved your 1st for when you’re married. Denki only had sex like 4 times during his 1st year of highschool. He was a perv. During the time you dated you guys did a few naughty things but never had your 1st time. 

“Gentle please.” you pleaded. Denki pressed a peck on your forehead. “ I’ll try my best.” he replied as he rubbed your clit. You let out a breathy moan. He smirked. When he got down your cunt he spread your folds. “ s’pretty.” he said. You blushed up. You gripped the sheets as he sucked on your clit. He held your thighs sending a small shock wave. You yelped, enjoying the shock. He was devouring you. When you released all over his mouth,he licked you clean. He hovered over you. You looked at him shyly. “ I’ll wait for you to adjust. Okay my love.” he said as he penetrated you. It was a bit painful for you. He noticed your facial expressions and to distract you from the pain he rubbed you pretty clit. You moaned out. Denki started off slowly then gradually sped up. “ Feel s’good!” you yelped, scratching his back. He groaned, thrusting deeper. “ You're so tight, baby.” he grunted. He loved hearing your moans and whimpers. He loved the pain he felt when you scratched his back. “ more pl-ease.” you pleaded but it sounded more like an order. Denki decided to snap and made sure you’d cum so many times. He made sure to pump you full of his thick white cum. He made sure to fill you up very well so that you can eventually come to him with amazing news of you being pregnant later on in the future. That 1st night of your honeymoon was a crazy ride. You and Denki were at it until both of you passed out together. 

You and Denki had agreed to things before getting married. You’d stay working as a U.A teacher and stay at home to which you agreed with. He’d still be a hero however he won’t take any night shifts and have weekends off. Let's be realistic, Denki will always make time for you. He’ll work faster to get home earlier than his normal time before getting engaged to you. If you guys did get pregnant he wants your pregnancy leave once you’re 5 months and he’ll take the leave from work with you. You guys came to an agreement. You talked things through. 

Finally being married to Denki was a wish come true. You did get pregnant and you both must have overdone it during the honeymoon. The surprise was definitely huge. Twins. A boy and girl. 

“ Double the fun, don't ya think?” Denki asked as he set up the cribs. You didn’t answer. He turned to look at you. He stood up and walked over to you. “Hey. It will be hard the 1st few months but we have each other. Better together, remember.” he said, pecking your forehead. You nodded, giving him a smile. You felt reassured. Your husband is wonderful. “ Better together.” you said rubbing your bump. “ Hopefully they like their nursery,” he said, finishing with the cribs. “They will after all their daddy decorated the nursery and built  the furniture.” you said smiling. “ I’m a total badass.” he said. “ Hey, I was thinking we should name our baby girl, Hikari. You know, light like lightning..electric.” he said hoping you’d like it. “ Yes it's cute. I love it sparky. For our baby boy I want Kousuke.” you replied, whimpering as the twins kicked. He placed his hand on your bump feeling their kicks. “They like their names. Hey little ones be nice to mommy. That makes her uncomfy.” he said, speaking to them. They kicked hard one final time and then stopped. 

You and Denki are so happy. This is all you’ve ever wanted and all Denki wished to have when he regretted leaving you.

[sweetchaosbabe]

I hope this isnt trauma dumping or sm but i just needed to get this out and also get some advice and i think i really like ur advice. So i have been jn a relationship w my bf for 2 years now and i love him with my heart and soul and we plan to get married ( ee are still young but we see that as the futuregoal) so up tntil a few months back i used to just go to random s*x chat groups and something and would share my nudes nd just stuff like that and would also watch p*rn .. these are both things that me and my bf would a 100% consider cheating and if he did this to me i would kill myself out of sorrow. I absolutely hate myself and am disgusted at myself i was distracted for a little while with my exams but now they are over and now im crying all the time again just thinking about what i did to the boy i love the most. At the time i didnt think much of it and at first i would just talk w people but slowly i started sharing nudes and i did this a couple of times until i realized a few months back how wrong it is. I have no idea how i didnt realise how wrong this is?Up until this i was a really good person i dont think ive ever hurt anybody and i am very nice also but now idk i just hate myself and everything about me .Every day whenever i think aboyt this i cant help but cry and think there really isnt anything else i can do. Of course i have changed and wouldnt think of doing such a thing again but still the fact that i did it in the first place makes me want to die.

Ik its so selfish but i cant keeo thinking that he will do sm like this to me also and that ill get my karma. Does karma really even exist and how do i get myself to atop thinking this now i always suspect him of cheating and talking to other girls. Hes done sm similar to cheating to me but nothing on this level. What he did is nothing ckmpared to what i did.

And in the context of manifesting, should i manifest that none of this ever happened and for me to be a really nice person or shoukd i manifest that this completely gets erased from my memory or what?? This also messes up my manifestion so much i cant helo hut tell myself that i dont deserve good things as im a bad person . Please help. If youre not comfortable answering this then im sorry for wasting ur time

Hey babe, I’m really sorry you're feeling this way. First, let me say this: you are not a bad person. We all make mistakes, and what you did doesn’t define your worth. What’s important is that you recognize the situation and want to grow from it—that shows you have a lot of self-awareness and care.

As for manifesting, this is a beautiful opportunity to shift your mindset. Here’s what I’d suggest:

Forgive Yourself: Manifesting starts with how you see yourself. If you keep telling yourself you’re bad or don’t deserve good things, you’ll stay in that cycle of lack. Start affirming that you deserve love, you are forgiven, and you are enough. We all do things we’re not proud of, but holding onto guilt keeps you stuck.

Focus on the Present: Instead of manifesting that it “never happened,” focus on who you are now. Say things like, “I am always loyal and honest,” “I am growing every day,” and “I create beautiful relationships.” Don’t manifest from guilt or fear—manifest from a place of love for yourself.

Karma and Fear: Karma doesn’t mean you’re doomed to be punished. It’s more about energy. If you keep focusing on fear or punishment, that’s the energy you’ll bring into your life. Instead, shift to trust and positivity. Affirm, “I trust my partner fully,” and “My relationship is healthy and secure.”

Lastly, please take care of your mental health, too. Talking to someone you trust or seeking professional support can really help.

You deserve to feel good and live fully. Sending love your way

[qumiiiquinnquin]

im scared to tell my psychiatrist i tried to end myself twice within a month (sep-oct). i dont know why i am. i have to call the office myself since im an adult now, but im really scared making phonecalls. i have to do it because its been since april that ive seen my psychiatrist but i have to do it. i dont know when ill do it, im too scared. that fear frustrates my family a lot. i feel like im already a failure of an adult and will continue to be like that forever.

today was mostly good, just uneventful until this evening. but now im feeling depressed and i want to cry until i cant anymore, but i cant cry, so i just feel bad. i dont feel tired so i dont want to sleep, but its almost midnight so i should soon. im feeling stressed out about needing to call the psychiatrist's office, so i dont feel like i can relax at all.

ive just been feeling bad a lot lately but thats not new, i say think that to myself every other week or so. whats making me sad the most right now is hating my art. i dont have any confidence in my art but i want to get better, but i dont think i ever will. i will always have mediocre talent, no matter how hard i try. i keep thinking about burning my physical art and either deleting my digital art or just even destroying my laptop, though the latter is very excessive, but i still think about it every now and then out of frustration. i want to give up but i really dont know what else id do, ive always drawn since i was very little, its always made me happy. i really want to not care how upset stopping would make people, including myself, but if i dont stop out of just purely giving up, i probably will stop because i k!lled myself.

every day is feeling the same, it even felt that way when classes were still going. i got so used to the schedule that i got used to the systematic cycle. i partially dont want classes to start again because of that, its boring and the amount of work is stressful, im just going to go back to breaking down and nearly attempting from stress and lack of confidence that i can really do this, that i can really power through and get the degree i want. i keep getting told im smart and always work hard, but that really doesnt mean anything now. being and doing those things doesnt suddenly mean that because of those things, ill survive the stress. it only actually makes it worse, like im ridiculous for feeling the pressure and have the mental health collapses that i do because of college, that im not trying hard enough and am lazy.

for some reason the desire for love has been on my mind and i dont know why, youve seen the pathetic longing things i say about romance. right now i feel like i am missing out and am a failure by societal standards for not even have dated in my life, and i still dont have a partner at 18 years old. i feel extremely lonely to the point that seeing other couples makes me depressed, which is probably selfish of me. i feel like and believe now that i will always be alone. i know i am not beautiful to anyone, i know i am not funny, i am not interesting, im a pain in the ass, im too much to deal with and am just unlovable in general. i hate feeling this way, i never cared about romance or relationships and have always been repulsed at the idea of me ever being loved romantically or being in a relationship. i feel stupid. i feel like a jerk. i feel like i deserve to be alone forever, and i really do. or maybe, just end myself, if im so unlovable in every way, then why not just weed myself out? whoever takes my place will be much more worth it than i ever could be. its so stupid thinking about myself d*ing from a broken heart. "just grow up, sad excuse of a grown adult." (in quotes because its a direct thought to myself towards myself, nobody else)

i really doubt everything will get better, ive felt this same exact way for 3 years now. sad, burntout, stressed, like im nothing but a problem for my family, a burden and waste of time to be around or talk to or care about. i did attempt once in 2021 but failed, obviously im still alive. i really want to try again. im really scared of pain, so im trying to find the quickest way or the least painful option. if i just call, i can get different meds or a different dosage and i wont feel this terrible. im so childish for an adult to be unable to make a fucking phonecall. i feel like next year might be it, im not sure why i get that feeling, but i dont have any reason to keep going. im not looking forward to anything. nothing is really that fun or exciting, i just try to distract myself. i know im not wanted, and im too difficult for my family.

its now a half hour after midnight because im incapable of shutting the fuck up. i might just lay down and watch youtube or cry myself to sleep, whichever happens first

[r0ttenb0gb0dy]

i know nobody will see this but i think that's what i need

a nice place with no IRLS to judge me

im going through a weird period in my life rn where i realized that i am fully able to finally really do some self discovery and after a long talk with my husband, might be exploring my odd experience with gender at long, long last. ive spent a long time running from it and i really always felt like i abandoned a better part of myself because i thought nobody could love me if that was how i was but im lucky to have the best partner in the world that loves me deeply. he's helped me so much to recognize that, if transitioning would make me happy, then i should do it. obviously to a degree that makes me happy and comfortable still, but if it's going to improve my life then i should go for it. whether it be top surgery, hormones, or whatever. no sense in wasting time being sad about something i CAN change and DO have control over!

so. um. hi universe. at least here in the confines of my tumblr sphere, im going to use he/him :) just to sort of...test it out. play with it. see how it feels.

ive been a they/them for a long time but i haven't used he/him since highschool (the last time i tried to socially transition and eventually reverted back because of an abusive ex) so this is kind of new territory but me and my mostly formed frontal lobe feel ready for it.

let's have a go at this, shall we?

[goth-oatmilk-latte]

it really bothers me to see other women my age having bridal showers or pretty weddings or even getting married. i cannot imagine having close, supportive friends and family in any endeavor, much less my failed attempt at marriage. again.

i never wanted a wedding, but it would be nice to have enough friends to have a bridal party or a wedding or even to pick out a dress with. when i thought i was going to have a small wedding, i tried on dresses alone for about ten minutes before i handed everything back to the attendant and told her sorry i lied no one else was coming and i didnt want to take up her time trying on dresses no one will even care about. i never have true friendship from other women and i know i never will. all of my girlfriends end up not being friends with me for one reason or another, or we are still "friends," but they very loudly with their actions let me know im not worth their time to be around. they find the time for others but not me.

theres not a real comparison for the loneliness you feel with a dozen dresses and hearing the bridal party next to yours all talking about how pretty their bestie looks while you try to imagine someone being out there for you, but knowing theres no one and that it doesnt even matter. what was even more embarrassing was the lady asked if my mom or mother in law was coming and if I wanted to wait for them, and i had to also tell her neither of them gave a fuck and i really did lie i didnt have anyone else, it was just me, and i didn't want to waste a perfectly good fitting room and party area for no one, that i just wanted to try on some stuff to see if i looked okay enough to consider a wedding.

and i didn't. i didnt even fully try anything on i just held it up to my body and decided i was going to look hideous so what was the point anyway. i think i got one like almost fully on before i decided it was enough. i could just order something cheap off shein if i wanted bc no one would care.

i wish i wasnt always everyone's stepping stone to their perfect partner or friendship, but i always am. ive never once been good enough to be "the one," im the one everyone abuses and fucks up before they find their one. it is exhausting to know i dont hold any significance to anyone that theyd stop abusing me or cheating on me or wouldnt do it to begin with bc they just love me for me. i get it though. im not pretty, im not interested, im not smart, im not funny, im just mentally ill. so im like a trial version of a wife, you can decide what about me youd change and find the woman who fits those and boom. your perfect woman!

that is my role. i am lifes stepping stone.

im tired of it.

[fcknstar]

for the request.

My name is mia.

I want amazing spiderman 2 version of Harry.

Doesn’t have to go into much detail about appearance but if you do, I have brunette hair, with some blonde highlights, and I have green eyes.

I thought a nice cliche plot would be something like Harry meets my parents for the first time or something?

Thank you so much!

hi! i hope this its okay if i posted it like this! if youd like i can js reupload it as an annon request! this is shorter than intended so sorry, might do an extended ver. if able to.

,, the meeting "

harryosborn x fem!reader

a.n : i love love this request. im vv sorry if i become less active. this year is a vv impt year for me, for those who live in sg, im currently taking my olvls this year. and its like a ntional exam and its like the start of my working journey technically. but i will post once in a while. im thinking abt making a taglist. anyone interested? and i will post updates on my igs cfl so if anyone would like, ycan go to my ig(same handle as this one) and probably can request for me to put you in my cfl. there will be polls and more interaction with me and my life.

warnings : none. js fluff.

** lowercase intended **

when dating someone, you would think that the relationship would hardly last. how negatively vulnerable one can because of love. but with harry, you were sure that you didnt need to worry about that. youve often thought about letting your partner meet your parents and vice versa. so when your mother couldnt help but continuously pester you about meeting harry, you had to give in. youve been dating harry for at least a year and it about time to talk to him about it. when dinner time came, you internally itched, not knowing when the best time to start the said conversation. harry, on the other hand, sensed that something was wrong. 

“ you okay, mia? “ harry placed his used utensils down, looking at you. 

“ you dont look fine..something bothering you? “ harry continued when you didnt answer.

“ well, i uh..my parents wants to meet you..? “ it sounded more like a question to you. “ and im not sure whether you would want to agree to dinner with them..” you lifted your hed up to see harry smiling. sorry, not smiling but beaming with joy.

“ id like that. “ you nodded in response, letting his words sink in.

when the day came for you two to meet your parents, you saw how harry fidgeted. 

" you know we can arrange for another time? " you suggested. 

" no no, i want to meet them. im just excited.. and worried? i dont know how theyll react. " harry whispered. harry was always confident, he knew he was able to just impress everyone even if it was just him walking into the room. but with your parents, he felt worried. felt worried to mess up and make your parents disapprove you two together. because who knows how parents are like, especially yours. upon reaching the entrance door of your parents home, you rubbed harrys back comfortingly, receiving a kiss on the temple from him. 

knocking on the door, you were surprised to how quickly your parents answered the door with big smiles pasted on their faces.

" mia! oh my, ive missed you " your mother didnt wast anytime grabbing your face, planting kisses of affection. harry then stood behind you, bowing. 

" mrs and mr (last name). " acknowledging harry, your mother laughed. 

" just call us by our names, boy. " your father tapped harry on the shoulder. 

the dinner seemed to be going well. your parents interacting with your boyfriend relatively well. you would take notice to how harry would tense up when certain questions were asked, taking his hand and hold it under the table or rubbing his thigh comfortingly. 

after dinner, you four would sit in the living room, chatting more about work and life, having jokes passed around. it was surprising to see your father click so well with harry considering how cold your father can be. it was as if harry looked up to your father within hours of just meeting him. it warmed your heart seeing harry communicate with your father well, after seeing that harrys own biological father practically left him for some science fair experiment. 

" you guys should come again soon. we will miss you guys. " your father voiced out to you and harry. 

" drive safely! " you heard your mother from behind.

" we will, (m!name)! " harry replied for you, " its weird calling your parents by their first name.. " 

" youll get used to it, harry " you laughed. while walking back to the car. 

your parents watched you both drive away, smiling as if they won a trophy. 

" those kids were like us back in the day.. " your father laughed, side-hugging your mother while pressing a kiss onto her temple. 

" they are.. they are " your mother replied. she felt like she was whole again. she remembered those times where she would tell stories about her marrying your father and how magical it was, wishing itd happen to you. it was definitely hard to find the right one, when you know that love is not for everyone. 

[markets]

Honestly, read your post about nice in the long run and man. Feeling called out, because like, as much as it stings I'd prefer for them to say it from the beginning u know.

At least they're not wasting your time when they straight up go "Listen I don't think i can care enough about your problems, you deserve better." Like. Yes i do. Also be better. Also thanks for at least saying smth instead of randomly breaking it off and dipping. Also fuck you

Like... I feel like i CAN'T be mad, but. Still am that i wasn't important enough to warrant change and care from ur life. Hope you're better for your next partner bro bc eventually you'll have to care abd be better if you want somebody for the long run

RIGHT???? RIGHT?????????//???????/????????????/? like anon u get it COMPLETLEYYYYY. i cant be a good boyfriend for you so instead ill be nothing at all. i cant be a good friend for you so instead watch me be a good friend for everybody else. god when does it end genuinely. and then they tell you that they still care for you and its like well do you really because this really does not fit my definition of caring. not being able to handle a romantic relationship i can get but if you cant even be my friend well i dont think you care at all. the worst part is ive been on the opposite end of this situation before where ive had to end things with someone who i cared about because i wasnt what they deserved but that was because i straight up had no romantic feelings for them no attraction nothing. so its like ok is that really what i am to you. manwhateverr

[prettyboykatsuki]

I. Hope this isn't weird or intrusive but I love when you talk about your partner. It's so sweet. All the relationships I've been around are so different that everyone makes it seem like my relationship is weird. I've been with my partner almost 10 years since middle school too and I know everyone thinks it's weird (they say it) 🤣. But it's genuinely so cool and sweet hearing you say how much you love him and vice versa and it just seems so positive. I love it.

i dont find it weird at all!!! thank you!!! i probably talk about him too much but i yap about everything on this blog so its inevitable in a way.

ive never had anyone tell me its weird outright but i do get a lot of questions of like... dont you think your wasting your twenties being held down and im like.... No. Not Really. sdkjjdfs so i understand the woes. my life is weird but i found the loml at like 12!!! its nice!!!

[anicekidlikeme]

What's a nice kid like me doing here?

What I want to do today is be mad.

I am sitting here full of anger- I feel my feet on the floor, the painful arch of my back, and all the discomfort it causes me when I sit in stiff chairs. In a moment, I know I will start noticing the intensity of my breath. The space around my skull and neck feel like they are filled with hot lava ready to be poured on the first person i talk to, and I just want to cuss somebody out. Fucking shit. fuckety fuck.

Today, I am mad about having no time. I got cranky at my boyfriend this morning because he asked if he could go play golf (which felt extremely bitchy by the way, especially in the presence of his lovely blue puppy-dog eyes). I wanted to shout at him, and say, its a SUNDAY! A Sunday that you promised to spend with ME! Today is your Vai day, and I want Vai day. But I did not. I instead said he should do what he wants, while my little heart was screaming so loudly I want you to want to be with me!! Please don't leave me alone!

After years of focusing negatively on my sentimentality, I have started to find comfort in my moments of anger. That is how you create space for new, happier shit. I used to never let myself feel that, complaining is easier. Whats a nice kid like me doing here? In this fucking shithole I'd think. I know Drew and I will be okay, and I know all this anger will instantly work its way out the minute I see him smile and tell me about how his game went.

Trust me, if you saw how much he works, you would share my desperation of wanting to spend one entire, interruption free, work free, relaxing day just laying with him. But I don't get that this weekend. Although I know we will have so many more weekends together, moments like these cause a sharp spike of pain in my chest. Time sometimes feels so limited. Like, something could happen at any moment and I could lose this warm love we share. I want as much time with him as I can get, and when I dont, it feels like time being wasted. So, I am choosing to waste it on this silly online journal that I have had since 2018.

I don't know if I will ever tell him that, although if I did, he will say Babe! Why are you worrying about that, we have all the time in the world!

Ugh. It hurts, it sucks. I feel bad and lonely. Its alright. Feeling angry is a perfectly normal bodily reaction. I should let myself feel it. We just might have all the time in the world.

I spent the past two hours making sure this little blog got a clean-fucking-sweep. Years and years of feelings, and thoughts, and oh my gosh horrible songs, deleted. Just like that. Gone with fucking time. But it didn't feel so bad (finally, my fear of someone finding a vault of my teenage feelings has been resolved. Now begins a new fear of someone finding a vault of feelings from my 20s).

Drew is the perfect partner for me, and I do not tell him that enough but I sure wish I could go outside and scream it sometimes. DREW!!!! YOU ARE THE PERFECT PARTNER FOR ME!! But I don't usually do the screaming thing, so this is better.

Anger is fine. Fucking duh. My life is filled with so much love and such great things. I can admire how the grass grows, take pictures of silly things, drink a hot matcha, drink an iced matcha, tell my friends I love them, and then go home and have a secret blog. With the way things have been lately, ive been thinking shit. What's a kid like me doing here? In this wonderful fucking life.

Wait till you fucking hear about how school is going.

[annikuh]

bruh my partner said he was worried about me because I’m obsessed with cl*ne h*gh and topher because “obsessions are unhealthy” and he’s acting like this is so bizarre for me & i almost laughed in his face. i was like bruh do you KNOW me???? im literally John UnhealthyObsession.

[[strange vent below, I just need to overshare here bc I have far too much to talk abt in therapy tomorrow and not enough time for all of it & this is so stupid that i literally refuse to waste time on it. this a no-judgement zone, if u judge me, ur ableist and I’m dispatching assassins to ur home]]

man’s talking abt “unhealthy obsession” meanwhile:

i got so obsessed with charles manson & squeaky fromme that they became my entire personality. i dyed my hair red for like four years bc of squeaky. i got a tattoo for squeaky. ive read a disturbing amount of books about both of them. I own handwritten letters from both of them. i can think of two separate occasions when I almost ruined a holiday and started swinging on a family member bc they were talking inaccurate shit about these two.

same goes for the several other similar figures I’m obsessed with. I have an entire WALL of memorabilia from/of them, costing truly hundreds of dollars (this is cool to me but apparently highly disturbing to everyone else). I have a copy of Jeffrey Dahmer’s fucking psych reports. I have a fucking piece of fabric used to make the shrouds the heavens gate cult members put over themselves. I’ve written 10+ page papers about some of these mfs. I turn into a feral animal when any of them are brought up, ready with too much knowledge and a desire to fact-check and rant and soapbox. I literally became so obsessed with all of these people i got a degree about it.

when i was 17 i became so obsessed with this one boy that i would sit at my desk for hours writing about him, just straight up filling pages and pages of a journal about him over and over again (this was actually TRUE mental illness i literally reread the pages later on and cried bc it was so sad and scary how out of my mind I was LOL😬). i bought a similar jacket to one he had so i could pretend it was his (this is actually my iconic army jacket; reclaimed). i literally did nothing but think and talk about him for probably at least a year and a half (& I STILL freak a little on the odd occasion that i see him, just on reflex).

I AM LITERALLY SO OBSESSED WITH MY PARTNER TOO HELLO? I talk about him so much and post so many pictures of him that he doesn’t even have to introduce himself to people bc they already know him from me. I live my entire life based around him in ways far too numerous to list and he knows it.

& there is SO much more. so it’s just a little bit funny that he’s worried that i like CH and topher too much bc i talk and think about it all the time; & bc i like to wear the gay little red hat from my topher costume (bc it’s “unhealthy to cosplay as a character all the time” meanwhile im constantly walking around with the riddler symbol on my army jacket and my clear glasses and he doesn’t see anything wrong with it; girl that’s almost full cosplay). compared to some of the aforementioned things above, im living quite the normal life.

like boy clearly you do not understand the depths of my obsession. i have been crazy for many years. your concerns about this issue here are exaggerated and misplaced. all of what im doing now is 100x healthier than anything else i have done or could be doing, especially given the strange mental state I’ve been in. he needs to thank his lucky stars, imo.

“unhealthy” sir this is highly abnormal at worst, let me cook‼️

[m33pl0v3]

I know its suppose to be an annual thing to meet up

But god sake i did not anticipate yall to bring a plus one, isnt it suppose to be just the three of us? What happen?

You shouldve caught on by now i didnt really want to meet up if yall had a plus one its kinda unfair for well..me

Everything feels like what happen 5 years ago.. i clear didnt miss it at all

Im quite sick, i got a cold i keep coughing off a phlegm and my head hurts constantly the past few days, 2nd i havent done any productive work since i excuse myself from school, 3rd the uniforms..they havent even been wash yet

As much as i think i got my shit together i keep going back to the time 5 years ago my lowest point of my life

My simple advice really if you tell someone something about them and they get annoyed frustrated even when you told them that, probably because they already know, theyre PAINFULLY aware you dont have to keep reminding them..its an insecurity theyre already working on it so just...stfu please

Keep it to yourself.

My mind is all over the place right now..all ive been doing is avoiding the things i needed to do for a sense of pleasure even for a little

Frankly i dont feel good

Physically wise and mental wise

I dont wanna go tomorrow i dont wanna see your partners

I dont want any of you in the house..you should just leave

I frankly dont care if your frail body gives up and dies im just worried about the debt we will get into nce you actually die

Im overthinking about our friendship lately but its mainly me and my low self esteem talking

Youre nuisance to me

I feel like a slob

As much as the thought of death sounds inviting i would never forgive myself for dying over something like this, im just exhausted i wanted a rest

Its overwhelming and if one of the people above me cancels or something happen to them i might be a little less worried

Sounds selfish i know, im painfully aware of what i say and type, im completely sane and in control

Thats the tragedy of it

I just wanna draw this feeling away..but im afraid i dont have enough time

I just wish you dissappear, in that way my mind is little quieter than it was right now

I could write a poem an essay even how much i want you dead or out of my existenxe but id be wasting my time

Thats how much i hate you

[snow-and-saltea]

is there some sort of phenomenon to explain why it feels like every social interaction i have i can literally visualise the options that will get me to have higher friendship points w people

(other than people pleasing. i already know about that)

when someone i know and love gives me well intended advice that i disagree with or can't use practically i feel a compulsion to go "yeah that's quite helpful ill try that thank you!" instead of explaining for like 15 minutes how ive tried that, it doesn't work, here's how it doesn't work, here's what works for me but i'm struggling to make it into a regular thing—

and then the other side of my brain is like. hey they're just trying to be helpful don't shoot them down. they just want a chance to participate in your life and help you somehow. don't take it too literally sometimes people just want to say stuff for the sake of making conversation and they just followed a social cue that they thought was interesting. you don't want them to come out of this interaction feeling like there's no point in talking to you, lest you make yourself look impossible to help, right? this is an opportunity to Bond and Socialise, get your head out of the clouds

and i'm like. yeah you have a point there too i guess. and then the middle part is just me going "mm-hmm that's interesting thanks for bringing it up" and it sounds more dismissive than i intended. so i add onto it by supporting their point/advice to hopefully end it on a positive note and oh my god did i somehow lead them on with this conversation? what am i going to do when they check up on me and i haven't done anything they said to? i feel terrible now.

cus that's been my active state of being for the past 3 months

im kinda tired lmao. id like to socialize and talk to friends more but i read into everything so much and it's so tiring. and i don't want to bother people by saying what i actually think bc then ill be a bad conversation partner and ill waste their time and be a bad friend

therapist has mentioned that not all conversations are a call and response though. sometimes and when the other person has the spoons to listen people can just vent and its okay because no one was hurt just because it wasn't a kind of conversation where you actively seek people's opinions and include them in your talking. but man i feel guilty and embarrassed when i talk just about myself, i feel hella self centered

lies down