#ive tweaked it n while i think there can still be some changes; ive liked how its come out :]

[billymarvel]

Day 5 — Favourite AU

I'm not great at drawing humans, but still wanted to draw him, so this is my go to design for him as I am much more comfortable drawing felines :] Take this as my au!!!!

[katsubiatch]

Hopelessly Devoted Part 1

So I tweaked some things and changed a bit around. I changed Shinsou’s character to Arata, just because it didn’t make sense for Shinsou to not be a hero. This is probably going to be 2-3 parts or so, I’m still trying to fill out the middle of the story because I already know the ending haha. Just have to fill in the blanks of the start and middle. I hope you all enjoy. (: 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It wasn’t supposed to be like this.

Your head throbbed as you tried to concentrate on keeping your eyes open, forcing yourself to breath no matter how hard you wanted to just quit. You could feel blood pooling out underneath you and knew you were a goner if no one found you.

No one would find you, no one would suspect you to be here. You'd just decided to take an extra shift in the ER after your latest fight with Katsuki. What a pain that was turning into.

Your eyes traveled around the intake room, it was a mess now after the man had thrown you around it. You couldn't be angry, he hadn't meant to be violent and was passed out again in his bed.

The ER was busy, and this mans vitals were fine. No one was going to find you in time. You'd die here, never to see Katsuki again, never kiss him or tell him about...

Your thoughts were disrupted when the door to the intake room opened and in came an Angel you were sure of it. The Angel of death to take you away. At this point you'd have anyone if it meant the pain would go away.

The Angel dropped down to his knees next to you, pulling out all kinds of equipment and swearing under his breath. He looked a lot like Arata in his white coat. "What the hell happened?" He sure sounded a lot like Arata too. "Sweet cheeks stay with me." He muttered, a gentle hand touching your cheek. At least you'd have a gentle touch to help you through to the other side...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It all started in a bar, isn’t that how most love stories started now a days? It hadn’t been expected, it had just been a regular night after a long shift that required a strong drink. Bloody patients, drunk people needing IV’s to rehydrate and more tragedies than anyone could count all that and more in the long twelve hours you had worked. 

“Oh my God I thought that would never end. You know I had like three drunk guys feel me up while I was trying to put their IV’s in?” You complained to Arata as he sipped on his beer beside you. He wanted to stay sober just in case you got a bit too tipsy and he had to help you home. The two of you shared an apartment but you were just roommates. 

“You should have told me, I’d do something about it.” Arata murmured in your direction as you scoffed and looked over at him.  “Right, right. It doesn’t bother me that much, at least someone is touching it.” You murmured, taking a long sip from you straw. “Kidding, kidding. I’m just kidding. God they’re so gross.” You shivered, remembering the man that had grabbed you and whispered promises in your ear about how he’d take care of you once he got you home. You’d made sure to fish around in his arm a little, pretending you couldn’t find a vein. 

“Well you know how they are.” Arata shrugged as he finished his beer and leaned back in his chair, pushing the now empty bottle around the table. “They think once they’re drunk they are invincible and can’t get in trouble for anything.” The two of you chatted for a while and you were nice and tipsy by the time it happened. When your whole life changed. 

You’d been going to the bathroom when it happened when your hero came to your rescue like you were some damsel in distress. As much as you liked to think you could handle yourself in situations like this it was nice to be rescued sometimes. Now you didn’t really keep up with hero’s much, you only knew their names from the few times that they’d come into the ER to get patched up from big fights. Even then you didn’t fawn over them like some of your coworkers. After all they were a patient just like anyone else. They were still human. 

Either way you were headed back from the bathroom when you were trapped between a wall and a body. You looked up just to see one of the drunk men from the hospital in front of you, even drunker than before. “See I told you I’d find you again, let me take you home sugar.” His breath smelled rancid, like old beer and fried foods.  “How did you get out in the first place.” You wrinkled your nose and pushed back against the man in front of you, sighing a bit when he didn’t move. “Listen I didn’t agree to anything and I do not want you to take me home so please just let me pass.” You shook your head and attempted to squeeze out under his arm that up next to you on the wall but he was quicker. How he was in his drunken state you weren’t sure but you didn’t have the wits about yourself to question it too much. 

“Oh come on now, don’t be like that. I know you were giving me signals back at the hospital. Girl come on I can show you a real good time.” He murmured, dropping his head down to attempt to give your neck kisses.  “Really no I’m good.” You tried shoving again but you were met with resistance. “Please just let me get back to my friend...” You trailed off as suddenly the mans over salivated lips were pulled away from your neck.  “We got a problem here?” A gruff voice grumbled, holding the drunk man by he back of his shirt. He looked familiar but you couldn’t quite place it. He was handsome if you were going to be honest but it could be the alcohol talking.  “Mr. Dynamight sir... uh no. No there is no problem. I was just having a conversation with this girl here.” Ah so that was why he looked familiar. You hadn’t ever personally taken care of him but a few of the other nurses had been drooling over him before.  “Actually... I was just leaving. Would you mind... maybe walking me back to my table?” You asked of the hero as you looked up at him, knowing technically he was off duty but this was the only thing you could ask of him. You were a bit shaken up, that had gotten too close for comfort and now you were nervous he’d grab you when no one was looking. You just had to get back to Arata. Then you’d be safe. “Yeah, sure whatever.” The ash blond rolled his eyes as he let go of the drunk and you moved to his side. Thank you, you managed to whisper as the two of you walked back. “Thank you again. Really. I took care of him at the hospital and he decided that I wanted him or something.” You shook your head once the two of you got back to Arata who was eyeing the two of you suspiciously. “So, thanks again.” You nod, only getting a gruff ‘just doing my job’ from the man before he stomped off to his table where there were a few hero's that you did recognize. 

There were a few snickers and questions from Arata but you didn’t notice the glances from the hero’s table, not only from the hero that had saved you but also from his friends who were curious about the girl who’d caught their friends eye. Though he’d never admit it, he hadn’t even said anything to them. Arata and you decided to leave with one last glance towards Dynamights table not knowing that you’d seen him so soon again. 

It had only been a few days since the incident at the bar but it was a typical night in the ER. Drunks, car accidents and injuries from bar fights or cooking gone wrong all competing for your attention. You’d been stitching up knife cuts, checking temperatures on sick kids and giving fluids to those who needed it before transferring the more severe cases to be admitted. It had finally calmed down enough for you to finally take a drink out of your abandoned water bottle when someone told you stitches were needed in room 3. A small sigh came out of you before grabbing your supplies and making your way to the room. “Hello my name is Y/N I’ll be your nurse this evening. I heard you need stiches?” You asked, setting down your supplies.  “I don’t need any stiches. I told them that I’d be fine but they wouldn’t listen.” That voice sounded familiar and you looked up from setting things up to see the hero from the other night. Dynamight! The name finally came to you.  “Oh? How do you know that you don’t need them?” You asked with a smirk, crossing your arms over your chest as you looked over the hero.  “You’re that girl.” He stated, looking you up and down. “From the bar.” He hadn’t forgotten you but he had come to terms with the fact that he probably wouldn’t ever see you again. He was presently surprised that he was face to face with you again and now he knew your name. 

“Yes, girl from the bar that has a name. It’s Y/N.” You murmured, holding out your hand only to be met with a confused expression. “Where do you need stitches? Hand it over.” You murmured as he sighed and put his lower arm into your hand. “Mmm that does look a little nasty. Just a few stitches and you should be good to go. It won’t heal good on it’s own.” You should your head and started to get everything ready again. “This is going to be a pinch and a small burn but it’ll feel better than the stitches.” You promised as you injected his arm in a few spots. “Okay I’m gonna get started.”

The two of you made light conversation as you worked and Dynamight watched you. Little things, like the weather and how he’d gotten the injury. He was still in his hero gear so you figured he just came from work.  “Well that is that. You’re all fixed up.” You nodded, setting a bandage over it and taping it in place. “Don’t go messing up my hand work Dynamight.” You smiled at the man, taking care of your mess.  “It’s Bakugou.” He murmured, looking over at you. “Might as well be on a real name basis.” He said as he looked at you. “I mean... if you want to go on a date with me Saturday. Unless you and that guy are together.” He murmured, all confidence as he looked at you. He didn’t usually do things like this but it was something about you that he didn’t want to let get away again. He was just glad none of his friends had tagged along with him. He’d get so much shit from them for this. 

“Oh? If I want to.” You smiled as you looked over at him. “Well I guess that could be arranged.” You pulled out a pen and piece of paper out of your scrub pocket and scribbled down your address and phone number on the paper, as well as your full name. “We are not involved, just room mates.” You smiled and looked at him. “I’d love to go on a date. Pick me up at six.” You murmured, taking care of your things. “See you on Saturday Bakugou.” 

You didn’t know then what would happen, how much your life would change and the ways that it would. But if you had known then what you knew now, well you’d go thorugh it all over again. Even the hard parts.

Tag list

mae-foster

[boredout305]

Eric Friedl/Goner Records Update

Photo by Don Perry

Alongside Zac Ives, Eric Friedl is the co-owner of Goner Records. He also plays in The Oblivians and True Sons of Thunder.

           Located in Memphis, Tennessee, Goner operates as both a record label and storefront. Like Shangri-La, Goner Records has been a Memphis institution since the storefront’s opening in 2004. Every year, Goner hosts Gonerfest—a still-vibrant music festival stretching several days. For those outside of Memphis, Goner’s frequently updated online store is a hub for what’s new in esoteric music. The site’s message board is a place to get updates on touring bands, small labels’ releases and anything else music related.

           Like countless small businesses, Goner has been impacted by the COVID-19 pandemic. The storefront has been closed since March 16. I caught up with Friedl to talk about how Goner’s coping with these changes and what their plans are for the future. Goner is and hopefully will remain an important part of independent music’s infrastructure.  

Interview by Ryan Leach

Ryan: How’s everyone at Goner doing?

Eric: We’re good. But like everyone, we’ve fallen into a freefall. Locally, we’ve been doing door deliveries. People have been stopping by to pick up records. We’ve had some success selling online. If we really scale back and don’t spend anything for a minute, we can hang on for a little while. We might have to lay off our staff; have folks go on unemployment. Goner would be reduced to just me and Zac (Ives) as the owners. We could limp through it that way. We’re trying to figure it out.    

Ryan: Like most small businesses in America, Goner’s storefront is closed. How are these alternative strategies like doing door deliveries and having folks stop by to pick up records working?

Eric: One of our regulars just can’t stop buying records. He’ll call me up in the morning—I guess he’s unaccustomed to looking at the site—and I’ll tell him what’s come in. He’ll respond, “Oh, man, I’ve got to get that album.” We then pack his records and he comes by to grab them. We’ve delivered a few records off locally. It’s super informal. But every little bit counts. People have been helping out. It’s been great.  

Ryan: You had mentioned to me a couple of months ago that you were going to relaunch the Goner website. While the COVID-19 pandemic and economic meltdown have been an unmitigated disaster, it was at least fortuitous timing.

Eric: We were getting ready to launch the site when the coronavirus hit. We wanted to fine-tune it a little more and add some things. But once it became imperative that we be able to sell stuff online, we said, “Screw it. Here it is. We’ll fix it as we go.”

Ryan: I went to buy the Aquarium Blood LP you had recently released and it took me to a Bandcamp site initially.

Eric: (laughs) It really is a matter of working out the kinks as we go.

Ryan: While everyone’s situation has changed, in some ways Goner wasn’t a case of just punching a timeclock. Record stores are hubs and hangouts for people. When Trailer Space closed down in Austin, it was a significant loss.

Eric: It is weird. We definitely weren’t a Trailer Space-style of hangout, but people on their regular circuit would stop by and explore the used bin. On weekends, we had a big crew of normal folks buying classic rock albums. There’s absolutely no way to sell that stuff online. We were stocked for those folks and that side of the business completely died. We had a bunch of really cool events coming up. You feel like you’re right in the middle of things and then you’re isolated. That was sort of my idea with doing these video check-ins. I sent out requests for people to give us video updates. I want to show people that we’re still in this. Facebook just makes us feel like we’re on our own little islands, which we really are now. We’re isolated from one another. It doesn’t have that sense of community that you can get from other places online. We’re just hoping to keep people’s spirits up as we go forward into the unknown.

Ryan: That’s a good point. Used bins are the home of the “five-dollar record,” although I’m unsure what people are selling them for now. You’re not going to sell used copies of David Bowie’s Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders from Mars or a Led Zeppelin record online. They’re so ubiquitous that it doesn’t make much sense. However, they’re perfect for a store.

Eric: Sure. People would walk in and buy’em. We’ve had people call up and ask, “Do you have this Allman Brothers record? You do. Great, I’ll pick it up.” They can buy it on eBay. They can buy it on Discogs. But because they live locally, they can stop by the shop, purchase it, and listen to it this afternoon. It still works. The store sold a lot of meat-and-potatoes rock ‘n’ roll records. We needed that balance between selling weird, underground rock records and classic rock albums.

Ryan: Byrds, Bread and Toto records all at the same place without the shipping price and wait.  

Eric: It’s awesome. There is a little bit of that at the store. Speaking of which, if anyone out there is looking for a Sister Sledge record, we’ve got it! Call us up.  

Ryan: Talking about the atomization associated with Facebook—I think of the site’s sort of opposites. Terminal Boredom’s message board was a great place for likeminded people to share ideas about music. The Goner message board, which has been revamped, was a predecessor of sorts to Terminal’s board.

Eric: Yeah. Even for me, it’s frustrating to use the Goner board. It’s such a dinosaur. It kept chugging along for years. We need to tweak it and make it more functional. It’s hard to envision people staying on it now like they used to. But it is there, and it was a big hub for people who were into underground stuff. Terminal Boredom was too. I always felt comfortable reading that stuff up until a point. The squabbles got to be a bit much and I’d lose track of what was going on. Anyway, check out the Goner board!

Ryan: For bedroom record labels like ours (Spacecase), you could sell 15 titles almost right away by going on those boards. And you didn’t need to pay a public relations company a couple grand to do it.

Eric: You were getting your records in front of the right people.  

Eric Friedl photo by Mor Fleisher-Leach

Ryan: Beyond COVID-19 and the global economic meltdown, in our milieu we had Apollo Masters burn down a couple months ago. I use Musicol out in Columbus, Ohio, and I know they’re going to be closed for at least a few weeks. Did the Goner label have anything in the works that’s been put on hold?

Eric: The Bloodshot Bill record is done and is supposed to come out on April 10. We’ve got those shipping soon. We did the preorders on that album, so it is in motion—if you get what I mean. We had this Optic Sink record in the works. Optic Sink is Natalie (Hoffmann) from Nots and Ben Bauermeister from the Magic Kids. It’s really cool, electronic stuff. That’s at the digitally mastered stage. The Ar-Kaics record is up there. So is the new Quintron record. We have a choice of getting these lacquers cut and then wait to press. Or we can try to hang tight and wait. I think we’re going to have to wait to minimize expenses right now. They’re all there. I think once we get through this it’s going to be a clusterfuck of people trying to rush through records. But who really knows what’s going to happen? There are all these Record Store Day LPs that supposedly got pressed or are getting pressed.

Ryan: I read that Record Store Day’s date has been pushed back to June 20, 2020. That might be a little optimistic.

Eric: Yeah. It’ll be interesting. It’s another nail in the coffin for trying to sell records. We’re limping along. If we can get our weekend regulars in to pick up records, that’ll help. But this shutdown is going to put a lot of people—obviously, record stores included—out of business. Labels are going to be in trouble too. If you’ve got records scheduled for a Record Store Day release in mid-April, that’s done. That money isn’t coming back until Record Store Day finally happens. The market was already shrinking before all of this hit.

Ryan: You’re still getting new stuff in. Goner’s site is getting updated regularly. What new records have you been listening to?

Eric: We’re trying. It’s going to be hard justifying it going forward. We were really excited to get that Dadamah record (This is Not a Dream) in. I remember it coming out in the early 1990s. That kind of dreamy, New Zealand stuff is what we want to push. However, the hard part is that everyone into that subgenre already knows about it. It’s difficult to get new people into it. We did that Chubby and the Gang record (“All Along the Uxbridge Road” 7”). That was a street punk-type of chugger. We sold a bunch of records for them. Alec (McIntyre) and Cole (Wheeler) at the shop were really into it. So, we gave it a shot. That’s been interesting—getting into the American Oi!-type stuff. We were trying to put some more of that material out when everything ground to a halt. It’s not really my scene, but it’s been interesting weeding through all of this stuff and going, “Oh, yeah, this is pretty good.” Currently, I’ve been trying to find music for the kids at home that they’ll find palatable. They’re playing really crappy stuff. It’s a constant battle. They like songs from cartoons.

Ryan: I bought that recent Exek record (Some Beautiful Species Left) off the Goner site. It was great. It had a real Neu! and Tuxedomoon feel to it.

Eric: That’s a great record. I appreciate that.

Ryan: It’ll be difficult getting inventory. Just thinking about it now—Revolver (Distribution) is closed for at least another couple of weeks.

Eric: Yep. Because all of the distributors and stores are closing, it drives the people who want those records straight to the labels. It’s bad for the stores, good for the labels. We’re a store and a label, so we kind of benefit. But it takes away from having a centralized place to buy records. Which is fine, but it’s something else to worry about down the line.

Ryan: I always looked at our (Spacecase’s) relationship with Goner as symbiotic. I always knew you were going to buy our releases. The Goner store has enabled us to kick the can down the road for a couple extra years.

Eric: For sure.

Ryan: Any closing thoughts, Eric?

Eric: We’re just another small business caught up in total economic collapse. We’re lucky in the sense that we have a pretty loyal customer base. It’s awesome. But in the end we’re very vulnerable. We have to make tough decisions on how to move forward and keep it going. We’ve always had to do that. It’s just that right now it’s so dramatic. You screw up, you’re done. It’s really heavy. At the same time, we’re not going down without a fight. We’ll see what models develop. If we can get through this—if it’s not too long—we’ll make it. If not, everyone’s going to get wiped out. But we’ll see.

 Website: goner-records.com

Gonerfest photo courtesy of Eric Friedl

[curly-q-reviews]

ROAD TO THE OSCAR MAYER WIENER AWARDS 2K19

A Star is Born, 2018 (dir. Bradley Cooper)

Nominated for:  Best Original Song, Best Sound Mixing, Best Motion Picture of the Year, Best Lead Actor (Bradley Cooper), Best Lead Actress (Lady Gaga), Best Supporting Actor (Sam Elliott), Best Adapted Screenplay, Best Cinematography

(TW SUICIDE, ALCOHOLISM, DRUG ABUSE)

(ALSO THIS IS A SPOILER-HEAVY REVIEW DONT READ IF U HAVENT WATCHED THE MOVIE YET AND WANT TO OK HERE WE GO)

WOWEE TWO REVIEWS IN A ROW IM ON A ROLL BABBIIIEEEE

ok so remember how i said in my intro that i didnt think this movie was deserving of best picture well uuhhhhhh i lied

or rather as ive been thinking about writing this review and the points im gonna bring up i kinda realized that this is actually a very VERY good movie and the reason i was biased against it is that 1. its the latest of four count ‘em FOUR iterations of the same film and im just so fucken done with remakes, and 2. it got a lot of commercial success mainly because of lady gaga who is like not a fantastic actress but she did do a pretty good job in this????  im gonna get into that later but for now lemme slap y’all in the faces with a healthy dose of ~Movie History~

as i mentioned earlier, this movie is a remake of a remake of a remake of a classic 1937 film starring hollywood starlet Janet Gaynor called- U GUESSED IT- A Star Is Born.  the original film is not a musical at all and really has no music apart from the movie score, and is not about a musician but an up-and-coming actress’s rise to fame in hollywood.  i really recommend seeing the original film (u can find it for free on youtube) because it gives a lil glimpse into what hollywood was like for young women trying to make it big from the late ‘30′s all the way into the ‘50′s.  theres this whole scene going over how janet gaynors character esther blodgett has to go through a complete transformation, not just physically but character-wise.  back in those days in hollywood u would have a whole team give u essentially a completely new identity, giving u a new name, changing your hair and eyebrow shape, creating a whole new backstory for you, and pinning down what “type” of actress you’d be (are you more of a pure innocent waifish type?  or the hard-working mother?  or the sexy yet airheaded provocateur a la marilyn monroe?).  its really interesting!  and also shows that hollywood has always wanted to control women so nothings really changed!!!  great!!!!!!!

so the reason the sequel made in 1954 went for a more musical route is because they managed to get Wizard of Oz darling Judy Garland to play esther blodgett/vicki lester this time around.  so now instead of a hollywood actress shes a stage performer trying to get her musical career started, and the musical element of the film is presented as her various stage performance gigs instead of it being like a “the music is the script” type scenario.  this movie has arguably one of garland’s best performances on film, so im surprised that i only just found out about it when i was watching some videos about the history of A Star Is Born, but also i didnt know much about her filmography besides The Wizard of Oz anyways.

the third sequel, filmed in 1976, is the one that no one really remembers or talks about despite it starring the legendary Barbara Streisand (it doesnt even show up on the list of options on IMDb when u type in “A Star Is Born” which is kinda sad).  esther/vicki is still a musician in this one, but this time shes a Rock Musician cause its the ‘70′s and rock n’ roll is god.  her character is also vastly different than the previous two, who dont have a lot of agency in their own lives due to them being women and it being the ‘40′s/’50′s.  this esther is a go-getter, independent and an activist, who plays around with gender norms and hyphenates her last name with her husband’s instead of taking his on fully.  i havent seen this one yet but ive heard its not really the best of the bunch despite having streisand at the helm, but it did still win an oscar for best original song.

ok so now we have the newest addition to the family!  Bradley Cooper’s take on this classic story is kind of a mish-mosh of different elements from each of its predecessors, taking the rock musician storyline from barbara’s and the subplot about changing the lead’s identity from the first two.  one thing that is pretty much the same amongst all four of these however is the real meat of the story: the romance.  esther/vicki/ally’s love interest and eventual husband (a movie star by the name of norman maine in the first two, a rock star named norman howard in the third, and a country rock star named Jackson Maine in this one) stays about the same character-wise in all iterations, with a few tweaks here and there.  he discovers esther/ally performing, is infatuated with her, and helps her in some way to advance her career and propel her to stardom, all while the two fall in love and get married.  norman/jackson has one really big vice in his life however: alcoholism (and in the 1976/2018 versions drug abuse is tacked on).  this provides the tragedy for this love story, as norman/jackson cant seem to get a handle on his addictions, plus he has a hard time seeing his wife skyrocket into fame when his own career is swiftly going down the shitter.  theres a big scene in which he sabotages her acceptance speech at an award show (whether it be an oscar or a grammy), she considers putting her career on hold to take care of him, and due to the overwhelming amount of guilt he feels over all this he commits suicide.  and then the final scene is some iteration of esther/vicki/ally doing a tribute to her late husband, either in a speech with the original vicki or a singing performance with the three others. 

i had planned on watching all of the other three A Star Is Born’s in preparation to write this review but i never got the chance to watch Garland and Streisand’s takes, so all i can really compare this new one to is the original.  but man i gotta say when i watched A Star Is Born 2018 in theaters i cried like a wee baby, that shit was an emotional gut-punch, and the original was really good but didnt give me that same visceral reaction.  im a real sucker for character-driven stories and this movie fits the bill.  this is the most complex and nuanced norman/jackson’s character has ever been, whereas in the other versions hes just kind of a stuck-up jerk who is jealous of his wife and doesn’t know how to handle it.  in this one he has a soul, u can understand how he got to be the way he is, which makes his ultimate demise all the more heartbreaking. 

as far as esther/ally’s character goes, i feel like i’d like judy garland’s take more than lady gagas even though i havent even seen the 1954 version yet.  but from the clips i have seen of it judy really knocks it out of the park, we really get to see how torn up she is over her husbands struggles and she gets real damn vulnerable.  ally’s a great character dont get me wrong, shes independent and self-sufficient like streisand’s esther but with the moments of vulnerability that garland’s esther had, all sprinkled with a dash of realness.  with this ally, we get to see more of her life like where she grew up and what her family’s like, which helps contextualize the kind of person she is.  however im afraid that this new script almost gave jackson a little TOO much character to where hes suddenly the star of the show and ally almost feels like a supporting character when this is literally her story.  so idk man it kinda feels like bradley cooper like hijacked the script so that he’d have a bigger role in the movie

ANYWAYS fuck where do i go from here ive already written so much uuhhhhh ok

ok ok ok ok ok ok

do i like this movie???  yeah its really good!!  i’d say it deserves the screenplay and cinematography noms cause this movie does look fantastic and despite some shortcomings the script is also solid.  as far as the acting noms go, bradley cooper for sure deserves his, he acted the shit outta this role and really brought jackson to life.  lady gaga’s nom im a little iffy on even though i was pleasantly surprised by her turn at this classic character.  i think the script also really played to her strengths and allowed her to shine, cause she was kind of essentially playing herself.  BUT bradley cooper was able to coax out of her the best acting performance ive seen from her so far, so im excited to see where her acting career goes from here and see how she grows in this new facet of her life. 

so lets get back to the whole best picture debate again.  i think the main reason why im so reluctant to say that this really deserves that nom is that im kinda tired of hollywood rehashing the same movies over and over again, no matter how good the remakes end up being.  i want a new and fresh story to get a chance, something that’ll really shake up the industry and get its blood pumping again.  which is why im excited that a movie by yorgos lanthimos has a shot at best picture this year, cause heres a director whos trying something different.  A Star Is Born getting a best picture nom just feels to me like hollywood and the academy going with what they know works, whats safe and tried and true. 

however from a purely objective standpoint, i mean i cant deny this film is really REALLY good.  even the music is fantastic, its been a few months since i saw the movie in theaters and “Shallow” still gets stuck in my head every so often.  so u know, i wouldnt be too too mad if it does end up winning.

wow ive been writing for a long ass time my poor lil phalanges are about to fall off, im gonna end this rant here!  lemme know what y’all think, whats the scoop, whats the dealio, all that jazz

hopefully one of these days ill have time to sit down and watch The Ballad of Buster Scruggs so that’ll probably be my next review, and then i gotta carve out some time to get my lil butt into a theater to see uuhhh everything else!!  stay tuned y’all this movie train aint stoppin anytime soon we’re going ALL THE WAY BABBIIIEEEE YEEHAAAWWWWW

[jamesmcf88]

pt 2 - james mcfarlane

NEW — weird song (2016) the reaper, put the beat on hold, bones dug up just like the sunflowers in the snow, now deeper into the river of sight, if you go in that cave dont turn out the light, white light shines bright, no stars tonight, behind the vox stack, their singin heart is black, subwayswhislting over my head, thank god i climbed aboard instead, reap what you sew 4x (coda) Heart is black ive been had (ive been had) ive gone mad (ive gone mad) ths is war, (this is war) i told you all this before i beg you, i want you too, write me back heart is black face the facts, art is black, heart is black face the facts, art is black, oohicant stay, (ooh icant stay) cant go your way, (cant go your way) i felt you sweet smack, Your smoke is black (smoke is black) i beg you, i want you too, write me back heart is black face the facts, art is black, Beautiful face she thinks shes alright, butshes out of sight, swim in for a bite, underneath the white light, thining of fashons, and still looking smashing appealing to fools, out of all kinds of schools, lo frequency base, mixed with the acid taste, no it couldnt compare, to your beautiful face. you left a hole in my chest, a better shot than the rest, do you have five minutes, for a warhol screen test, at dawn i see a star burning not lie the rest, cant help but sit and wonder where its going next 4x cant help but sit and wonder where shes going next 4x Blue Haired BelleBlue Haired Belle, hangs around the gates of hellMorning stars get lost, in the flow of your blue sky locksDon’t despair, you’ve been on a track please take care, Come fly with me, its your blue sky that’s pure dont you see. Its alright You, me , everybody,we, see, only moonbeams,comets not so high,eathquakes in the sky,lalalight n short in hight and , nananight and it’s alright,lalalight n short in hight and , nananight and it’s alright, You light the way, through tunnels, try not the scrape, the gunnels,on the right a cave in sight, it’s alright not this timeon the right a cave in sight, it’s alright not this timelalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala lalalalaooooaaaaooooaaaaaooooooooooaaaaooooaaaaaooooooooooaaaaooooaaaaaooooooooooaaaaooooaaaaaoooooo Main Street When you called me up hereIdidnt feel like walkin, Now your sayin to me,youdidnt feel like talkinwhy are we so clumsy,so clumsy with our breadnow you tell me honey, how you keep your stomach fed, always lending yourself out, to the freaks that dot our lives,honey when you gunna shout, at those drones in out beehive,take a walk uptown, to the bucket where they drown,gunna tell them when they get out,to get theiur handouts downtown MorningAt the dawn of a new age,Sun comes up, smell the burning sage,take a step foreward, turn the pagesay goodbye to all those dark dark days, MAking a brew I stare a the fire,stir the pot, and then connect the wires,turn on the amp, the music inspires,got to free my mind from all the cheats and all the liars. Morningdrone You, you know what I mean, when isay,that nothings gunna happen today,and you, you know what imean,wheni tell you it’s just not my scene, you, yeees you, what the hell are we gunnado?and you, the only one you listen to, is a man, by the name of, Lou. We, yeees us three, could make it at a defferentpace,I, know that, it’s a discrace, Lord, take us to another place, So grab your stuff, your record albums,you take the wine, and ill take the guns, and into the ocean, we will go, cause you know, were headed, for the coast,so raise up your glasses, for a toast,ha, which one of us can drink the most,the father, theson, or the holy ghost,and you say that this car can race,but can it take us to that other place, a different side of mother natures face. take me to another place. Nothing drones honey comes from lots of work, sticky feet moving berserkpatterns form in crude beauty, drones fulfill a pointless duty, honey drips, from the hive, golden jkelly feeds their wife, pretty flowers messy home, nothing drones on like the cone, back and forth, in and out, dancing like we use our mouths,the pay is small and so are you, results of that sweetens my tooth, the task is never ending, constantly descending, dripping in the mouths of those not worth defending. Oppenheimer park Rolling down the open road, to the end of the line,end of the world, end of the illusion of time,I go down to the water, and feel the cool surf,hear music in the air and take it for what it’s worth, cant understand why people, could live on so little,when so much goes through them, and through the needle, so hasty, with the selling of their saved souls,the western downtown is bright, blunt, and bold. Walk up and down throughout the day, out of your mind,think of your home nevermore, till the end of timethe loop drones on and on like a broken clock,don’t need to climb the montain, cause your at the top Hastngs is not coming for you, your coming for it,like hell it bewccons like the incline of a pit,the east side, sits a nd people come from near and far,to sit, and sink, into the grass, in oppenheimer park oracle so your torched,your hanging by a thread,don’t scorch, your pretty little head,wishing through your lips that it worntpass,feels like your turning from a liquid to a gas, take a trip right to the edge of your mind, consciousness poured out and left behind,take a break from all the flats and all the sharpd,ride a cloud of nothing, and numb your broken heart To thew edge of your mind, distortion blurrs the line bettweenwhats out there and whats inside, deep in the cave, breath in the cold air,see shadows on the wall,… stare bring news just like homing pigeon,come down, and start a new religion, leave now, and speak out, littereally or metephorical,the knowledge you posess will make you the oracle. Pipe Dream A science experiment gone totally wronga weather balloon with some kind of evil about it,all the kids at school could see it above the horizon,my friends and i knew we’d be better off without it, king kong, walked along high street, where the freaks and thugs call home,if he could reach this floating disaster on time,he knew he would never have to die alone,hethough about it and realised the people wouldntunderstandhe knew their alien nation would turn this ape into a man, darkened minds turn on a dime, revolve in time along thin white linesyin and yang drip from a wolfs fang, one pulls the trigger the other goes band why can we get to the meaningof this philosophy of feeling, how do we break the silence of the checkerboard of violence. Darkened fool has lots of toolsd, dead at the deep end of the pool, boring times and pouring rhyme, the question, is this really mine? why can we get to the meaningof this philosophy of feeling, how do we break the silence of the checkerboard of violence. Psych em out Psychem out like rabid vermin, make em shout a phony sermon,see right through their simple game,right to their core their thoughts of shame, watchem blow upon the fire, rocks explode right on the liar, social change brings end to war, housewife trembles on the floor,backwardsforewards, up and downvoisc encircle all aorund, observeprecieve hear see know learn mirror be, identify possible flaws, of the menace with no causethe time is now, so try to learn how to bend the rules they use to keep you down. Rabbit hole Salvage you mind while it is illuminated, a fire out of control,a cabbage in ttime, right now it is fumigated, wired and housing a soul,badhabbits in line, schedualed to be terminated, inspire you out of your hole, A rabbit , redefined and underrated but higher than ever before, drink up while the tea is hot and bright blue, the flesh of the gods makes it so,3 caps and some stems is all i can do, to see shooting stars upon the snow, think sweetly of me, with emotions so true as yu stand and look through the window,think of thinkgs to do when im gone for good now, waving at the bus watching it go, Im down in the southland, with deep curving valleys and bridges all rusty and crumbling, with grasses all dying and rivers of green and subways whistling under me. a spot on the corner , a 30 dollar gutar, a case and a cigarette too, is all that i need to get usedd to my home and bring my mind closer to you. The last of this song, is all out of place, but the pace rings true to the rule, of the verses before i shut tight the door on the patterns lost and misconstrewen,becauseits all backwards and forewards like this, its in shambles but its not a ruin,the end of this 4 verse song has arrived, to the point you might not clue in. Sea of lights Rockj and rave, through the night,on speed in a sea of lights,jump spin contort thrust,black white pain lust,spent a week there last might, maybe more,steal yourself a holy death crouching by the door cause we all live in sin but it makes music sound new, go out on a limb, and let the world surround you, we rave through the atonal thrusts and the booms,tonight the flowers of evil are in full bloom, Standing there all in white, she sings in the spotlight, in darkness and style, we strum all the whilestanding all in black behind the vox stack, from behind sunglasses, we inspire the masses, cause we all live in sin but it makes music sound new, go out on a limb, and let the world surround you, we rave through the atonal thrusts and the booms,tonight the flowers of evil are in full bloom, Walk and talk it through the park,whiplashgirlchild in the darkrun run run, take a drag shoot your speed while you brag i’ve been orchestrating behind sunglasses,immitatingprodogy, and writer, man, tomboy and a throusand fans zeppelin spotlights on my brain exploding plastic in my veinhypnotyic tones as the propellers drone,mind bending sounds, resonate undreground, dak circles never weed, new york 1963, Chcmysic, velvet freak desensitize alter tweak, no money car moon or sun, sell your blood for heroin,if she ever comes now now, moe beat on that drum now now,pink perfume, mantra neumes silk screen factory tunes superstar test only the best wine coffee speed heroin rest,darkcircl;es never weep, new yourk 1963,theyve been up for weeks, in the white light the tweak, in 63 Skeleton Here we are again, moneys all been spent, you don’t know where hesbeen,hes trying to fend off things that dwell within, hes a skeleton. at the end of days hes been here before he says, narrow in mannyways,hes a skeleton,andidont know where hesgoin, or why he thinks itssnowin, he can see the wind thatsblowin, hes a skeleton, Spotlight Reap what you sew,snakes and poppys in her hair,sun flowers in the snow,make you look like your not so old,it had been so long i could not recall her face,she came outside to meet me though iwas’t her case,nowi sit and wonder if I’m out of place,the memories i had of her, are in outer space Standing all in white, she sings in the spotlight, in darkness and style, we strum all the while,on the odd days I could talk to her,harmony and dissonence, a modern venus in furs,up and down that hallway, rotating the earth,waiting there for hours and hours, for her the quench my thirst. Sweet grass summertime,see the star shine, and i don’t mind revisiting those times,although my mind is blown, i play the drone,saying goodbye while you’re getting stoned. Vicious lips oooooo what to do,iwanna see you too,i think imgoin mad, ooooim not that sad noooi wonder sometimes where you are,what moon what planet under what star,id like to think your not that far, but we both know that trip was hard your vicious lips, eard on the airwaves, waking the dead, from their graves,your sweet, but your toxic, been three weeks since you dropped itI found it in my pocket, your trains comin I cant stop it You Made Me the reaper, put the beat on hold, turns to dust when they turn to dope,promises, he couldntkeep,to save a life, only three feet deep,you’re my catalyst, myonliness, decemberbaby,im the creep you made me,you’re my catalyst, myonliness, decemberbaby,im the creep you made me,the reaper, put the beat on hold, turns to dust when they turn to dope,promises, he couldntkeep,to save a life, only three feet deep,you’re my catalyst, myonliness, decemberbaby,im the creep you made me, Come Back Around JAMES MCFARLANE·FRIDAY, MAY 13, 201610 Reads The process as a whole is always a learning experience like no other. Ultimately, like the brain has a recognition and physical atribute that corresponds with most chemicals in nature (possibly even synthetic chemicals) the psychological functions that a person can aquire are almostordaned and recieved in a timely fashion by the organ and im assuming the subconscious effortlessly and for evolutionary purpose. So I will assume everyones own, (however existential), growth experience is interesting. Having the atribute of spiking and deminishing of at least two of the brains most important chemicals related to experience, and behavior… and the awareness of the (most obvious to you) potential for not only chemical related occurances and their ripple effect, but the behavioral methods that the acute brain, manic brain, almost has a natural function to excercise and use usually either for a better survival or further expansion into astonishing existential and soon to be investigated parapsychological, social behaviors that tend to stick as long as they serve in a new type evolutionary (ie “Counter intuative”, productive and humanistic beavior that the mind eagerly draws in like an antennae recieving and storing up valueable energy. Setting this agenda and also surviving the early episodes, of bipolar, (which are usually the most drastic) are two hurdles to get over, let alone the crude, almost sickening archetectural features in our community hospitals, thats purpose cannot be desguised as heathcare to the human eye. A grossly overused assortment of bondage equipment and isolation chambers (not to mention your absence of any dignifying articles of clothing( also to be moved and set in place on occasion) nowadays plate glass walls, a whole dungeon setup designed by those people involved no less, who really probably care wheather the colour they chose or how their design would function better than the decaying sweat soaked ultimately in our home towns case, my favorite case, dried blood stained, apparenty approved for use by some dr, a single hallway, to alk up and down seemingly endlessly, untill not suprisedby the inevitable dread code white, that is the delight for the predominantly, …listen t me… dominated, by your average practicing as ferociously as they can with as little effort as possible, sociopath and more importantly to re ognise, violent violators psychopaths, who pretymch have the real pl working there stressin over what could possibly be these ppls capabilities, and are alienated inside by this evil thay cannot risk their ,,, virtully anything valuable, like a job or who knows, omg… thats why she left,,,,, so, yaa, these ppl rise like cream, annnnnd they have a really good time eeeehm, .. now nurse practitioners or legends, thir former dominator look like theyve aged, well lets say i was convinced they had beeen using prolongued use on heavy stimulents, like crack. iloldrewaout a blueprint with symboldsfr the patient advocate, neaysi mostly wantd to write and its alot of shit thats gone no doubt as home with ,,,lets say u know like fat cat. what, i was 15, and he was fat then, now hes the last one standing up there that i know of. oh yea… so i would say if u want out, and as of late i thing the design is perfect for the right ppl, socios included, fuckers, but, the dr, they are jst as careless as the security guards who cant hide haw stupid the really are and the odd couple who are revealing that their ok, still, idicovered, ,, maybe not in north bay, but in a proper community, like the city, ………..lost my train,,,, i think that i was getting at how just to be fair and …eyea 50 percent of the staff endowd with the ability to weildstrapps, and are encouraged by their no doubt under educated superiors, to always have the wrist ready to be broken if, now this brings me back,,,, they chokeyou, than comes the bondage that betty page would think is very unatractive, idk,,, the thing is,,, ya the drs, oh waut,, ok…. 1/3 of all of them are,,,, exculding the drs, and the janitors, who if ihaventdiscosedya are always there to pile up on a code white, and i know,, listen to me, no janitor ive met would grab my ass so hard on such a numerous a pile up, i have eyes in theback f my head,,,,,,, italalot,,,,,,, ppl that work so hard tp climb so not that far up the ladder in society, yes, sum of them are costume rocking witchcrftprodiges, who, will, 1 take the whole bunch of guys .. it may have been the forensic unit,,, this little thing is known by ,ppl, ive talked to about the psych who are inderectyl told by their others who work it, and ave stories about the oddity of us. iduno,, alot went down, but,, boring s yea she walks me throught e bysantine conduit iup to the floor, and the police have to walk somewhere behind to uncuff me and ta da, , y o iwanna bring up corporeal action when the best times,,, due to the conditios of bondage uuuuuuuuuuh were strictly through plate glass,,,,, ie. rare appearenced that are pretty much the only way. i really was bloody fucking thirsty 8percent and i mea ya,, when i was younngti chewed up braaaaan and drank my watttaaeer, and drew peace sighnsandd 7 days laterrrrr, after she sumhow managed to get an earbud into my head screaming for any colour you like by pink floyd, and playd the fungsonhggg, badassss. straight jacket. prolly day 4,,,,, i still think cough syrop is good for teenagerswhatver,,m took me to the top. ok… to get offf, the ward do as such; by Ultimately drawin on to no apparent end in crayons complete with nicotine gum (smokes,, the only freedom, not yet a right, that is so hard to get,,,,, and i learned to smoke in side the scarborough general hospitol,,, that room soon became the chamber, i would be locked in, for manny weeks, at different times,, thats where alot also hapened, is where the nude bondage asianfemaldr, ..whati mean i s theatwwhatwuldlou reed say… they never forgave us for nagasaki.,,, newaysive never spent more time in a i also a what appears to be and have bben told by assdocter of the north bay pstychwhi took to court at the hospitol and he got yelled at by a panel while my dad defended him and i ate cookies cus ii was really manic,,,, i also was 15 1/2… he later let me try and commit suicide,, thats a story of a different colour,, sounds like sprockets, idk,, idontwafe war with very real religiossympomatic shat, iuuuuuhm , so,,,, hereswahat krb8tujvcklwelbutrin.,,, ya, it istaken orally it shoul get right to work in three ad a half weeks, if suicidal,,,,, pray, oooir if u cant get dxedrine,, or sum speed beane drink a bottle of childrensgeapecoughsyrup once a day,,,, this acts as a seritonin reuptake inhibitor of a differrentcolour. 2 to 4 hours,,,iu get the mental stimulation,, it reall is a mellow buzz butttttyupppidecare fuck cough syrop…… dexedrineisnt out there and i know it couould really bbe used and they aslso do,, ie. jfk, addisons disease, dexedrine/anphetamine. so,, it will make y0ur 90 year old great aunt we all frogot about over in blind river get up from the abyss of alzheimers and dementia and sing thins is the day that the lord hath made,, ,but with real and concious interaction,,, without memory of course. however,,, she does that,,, did that anyway , but,,, im sure every month not every day,, at least one trial of … iuffingadhd adults can take it,,, why cant she. smeared into the grate of every window and the classy bubble rooom which actually was made with enough pride according to the regionnsid say, to have an even more, almost funny, and certainly battered scratched and spat on bubble for the head psychiatrist t poke his head into every few days. Lets not froget how that scene ended. like my father and grandfather before me who conditioned and alterred the correctiona institutions for fifty fife years now a conmfortablevacatin for psychopaths and whoever, not even the hole could stand up to point blank restraints naked, with your flimsy gown around your chest. at least in the bubble room there was lots of privacy, u know, to each institution their own, glass , bubble blood stained, probably 60 years of ppl that somehow said something that attracted the attention of their nurse, who no doubt vollynteered after printing your file which is most likely epic thick, there is no room for any of their creative stylings in that no, i did just smash the wall into pieces and ya all the insulatin is everywhere, high five and respect from my cute transference mistress, (and a couple others.)

[abovethesmokestacks]

Like Sleep To The Freezing

Title: Like Sleep To The Freezing Pairing: Bucky Barnes x reader Rating: G Warning: none Word count: 2.3k

This is for my darling JinAh @viollettes, in anticipation of things to come and for being such an amazing person. I may have set the pairing as Bucky x reader, but it was always you when I wrote it. All of my love.

This fic can also be found on AO3. It is not to be reposted without my express permission.

Bucky starts awake, his eyes immediately going to you, holding his breath until he can hear your shallow inhales and exhales. You don’t really sleep, not truly. It is medically induced, the result of a chemical cocktail because even though the treatment leaves you exhausted, sleep evades you save for cat naps that do little to give you the rest you really need. He wishes he could give you what you need, that the life force flowing in his veins, however bastardized, could help you. He even asked Stark and Banner, ready to brave the medical facilities of the tower, to sit in a chair and be poked and prodded like all those times before he broke free. He hasn’t been there since his last check-up after Wakanda, the room sterile and intimidating, making him break out into cold sweat. He swore he’d only go back if it was absolutely necessary. You fall into that category.

“Spa- Barnes, I… It doesn’t work like that. I’m sorry. Trust me, I’d want it to work, but even I have my limits, much as it pains me to admit.”

Of course it doesn’t work. He’s got something potentially life-saving in him, and it can’t be used. Between him and Steve, the world could probably be saved a few times over, if only someone could truly understand the properties of the serum that has saved them again and again. His own serum is too unstable, tweaked and reshuffled to shit by HYDRA. He is a fluke to have survived it. Hell, when HYDRA wanted to make more of it, more of him, they didn’t even try to extract the serum from him. They had him kill the man in possession of the last pure sample of the original, extracted from Steve’s blood. Now all the scientists who understood it are dead, the new Winter Soldiers are all dead, any and all leads are dead, and he’s helpless.

Rubbing his eyes, he lets out a sigh, stretches in the uncomfortable chair. He’s not sure how long he’s been here now, the days have all blended together. Steve tried to get him to go home a few days in, that much he remembers. Something about the staff and visiting hours and regulations. It doesn’t matter. Bucky doesn’t want to leave you. He sits faithfully by your side so you never have to be alone, a solid presence even when you’re asleep. The doctors and nurses have stopped asking him to leave. Sometimes, some open their mouths as if to berate him and order him out. On a good day, they get a glare and quickly shuffle out of the room. On a bad day, they get the pleading look of a man desperate for a break, for the small token of kindness that is pretending he’s not there.

Your arms lie prone by your sides, pale in the dim light of the room. He remember going to see Snow White back in ‘37, his parents making him take Becca because they were busy. He thought it was embarrassing, he was 20 for gosh sakes, but Becca had looked at him, so eager to go see a picture that Bucky didn’t have the heart to say no. Seeing you now, in bed, lying still with barely your breaths to show you’re alive, it makes him think of that scene in the movie, with Snow White in her glass coffin, pale and beautiful and de- no, just sleeping. You’re just sleeping. You’re Snow White, and you will wake up and all will be well.

It pains him to notice how you’ve changed, how colour has drained from your cheeks, how your limbs have thinned despite efforts to keep your body fed and your muscles from atrophying. He’s careful, oh so careful, when he gently takes your hand in his, your dainty palm like spun glass against his rough one, and lifts your covers to tuck them inside. The treatments take their toll, messes with circulation, makes your hands and feet cold.

Sometimes, when there’s a really good day, when you spark and fill with energy, you’ll coax him into crawling onto the bed so you can burrow up next to him.

“Come on, Bucky, you’re a walking space heater, and I am in need of heat, you’re not doing any good sitting there like a statue!”

You always have to cajole him and tease him a little before he gets over his fear of crushing you, and then it’s all gentle coaching to get him just the way you want him, shifting tubes and cables out of the way, making sure none of you are hanging with half their ass off the side of the bed. It’s a logistical nightmare, but god, does he love it when he can hold you like that, wrap you up in his arms and pretend he’s actually being helpful and making things better.

Mostly, you’d just lie there, content in his embrace, savouring the warmth and letting it seep into your bones. Once, you fell asleep, truly and well, and Bucky thought he’d never seen anything so serene and beautiful. Your eyes blinking lazily, jaw tensing to suppress a yawn, and then finally a few soft words that he couldn’t make out if they were actual words or just sleepy murmurs before you drifted, relaxed and content. It’s his single source of comparison for knowing whether you’re asleep for real or not. There was softness in your features, your body curled up and your breaths irregular in a way that could never scare him. It’s the way it’s supposed to be; by turns soft and almost like little huffs, by turns long and deep, interspersed with little breaks of snores or holding your breath for no damn reason. The medical sleep scares him. It’s monotone, too even, forced.

A nurse comes in, a new face, and Bucky barely even flinches, his reflexes too dulled from not enough sleep. He sleeps in short lurches, not able to find the time. He doesn’t want to sleep when you’re awake, because he wants to spend every waking moment committing you fully to his memory, wants to be there when you’re up and smiling and goddamn fighting to win. He doesn’t want to sleep when you sleep, too afraid that he’d wake up and you would be gone, and he would be all alone without a proper goodbye. The threat is there, hovering like a mirage that sometimes makes it seem a lot closer than it is.

“She’s responding to treatments.”

“It’s hard to say, but she’s young and otherwise healthy.”

“We’re very hopeful.”

Bucky wants there to be more than that, but he’ll take it. He’ll take every guess and every hypothesis and every tentative expression of hope and weave it all into something that looks and feels like real comfort to wrap around you two. This is a fight and he’s always been good at those, but suddenly all of his strength, all of his enhancements are for naught, and all he can do is hope and hope and hope and hope and-

“How long have you known each other?”

The question takes him by surprise, not because he’s lost in thought, at least not fully. No, it causes him to hesitate because he’s not sure what to say. Objectively… He looks over at you, giving you a small smile. Objectively, he knows it’s been less than a year. The months he’s known you can be counted on both his hands, and yet they stretch on every time he thinks about you, about the way you have fit yourself into his days, into his life, into his heart.

Subjectively, you’ve been here for longer. Subjectively, you’ve been the echo of laughter in his mind since he broke loose from HYDRA, a beacon to lead him home. Subjectively, you’ve always been there. A comforting presence in a corner of his soul.

“A while.”

It’s the best he can manage, treading the line between what he knows to be true and what he feels is true. The nurse nods, looks through your chart, checks your lines, your IV, your readings. At least she’s not asking him to leave. Bucky briefly wonders if they’ve circulated a memo. “Don’t poke the almost-Avenger.”

“Something funny?”

He must have failed to keep his smirk internal. Biting the insides of his cheeks for a few seconds helps with composure, and he quietly shakes his head.

“She’s lucky to have you. Many want to stay, but few would actually do it,” the nurse points out.

She looks like she’s done with her round, but she lingers. Bucky’s not sure what to think about it.

“Most people don’t have a metal arm that intimidates the shit outta hospital staff,” he answers, doesn’t mean to sound that threatening.

The nurse starts, her eyes widening minutely. She doesn’t want to show him she’s scared, but he’s trained too well, has seen this reaction too many times. Fuck.

“Sorry,” he mutters, bringing his hands to his face to cover it, an appeasement, a sign of non-aggression. “Tired.”

Then, predictably: “You should get some rest.”

“Maybe later.” More appeasement. She doesn’t need to know the details.

The nurse nods, slipping quietly out of the room without another word. Bucky sighs, leaning back in his chair, pulling out his phone to check the time. It’s still early morning. You will be sleeping for a couple of hours still before the drugs wear off.

Every second is a sluggish drop into an ocean so vast he doesn’t know where it ends. The 70 years he spent tethered to HYDRA could be a blink of an eye in comparison to how long the hours feel, waiting for you to open your eyes again, to come back again, to live again. He hasn’t given up on you getting better, he never will, but sometimes… sometimes it’s better to wish for living and then rejoice when it’s a day of more than just that, when it’s smiles and jokes and a blush to your skin so lovely he goes a little moon-eyed.

It’s an hour later when his phone chimes.

>> Go to sleep Yasha, you’re exhausted. - N

Bucky furrows his brow before shooting a text back

>>How the hell did you know I was up Natalia?

The reply is almost instantaneous:

>>You squirm. - N

>>Did you bug the room???

>>Not that I doubt your abilities, Yasha, but you think I’d leave her completely defenseless? Seriously. Go. To. Sleep. - N

>> Tell me where it is so I can give you the finger.

>>You mean so you can remove it and be her solitary sentry? I think not. - N

Bucky shakes his head, muttering to the quiet room: “Пошёл на хуй.”

Nat is quick to admonish him.

>>You kiss her with that mouth? - N

>>Go to sleep now, or I will come in there and sedate you. - N

>>And before you ask, yes. I absolutely can. And I absolutely will. - N

Bucky heaves a sigh that comes out more like a groan, typing out an unusually nice reply.

>>Fine. If there’s even a beep that’s not normal, you hack the fucking security and call code to her room.

>>Спокойной ночи, Яша. - Н

Even with Natasha’s reassurance that she is keeping an eye on things, it still takes him a full hour to relax, to trust in his ally and to fall asleep. His mind fights him, wanting to stay vigilant, but his body steadily relaxes, pulling his addled mind along until it drifts into dreamless sleep.

He awakes to slender fingers combing listlessly through his hair. It’s a soothing sensation, the light drag of nails against his scalp and the occasional tug when the fingers snag on knots that have formed in his hair. Bucky allows himself five seconds to indulge, to linger in the darkness he has created for himself, his head turned down to the mattress and resting on his arms.

Five (it’s Sunday and you can sleep in, tangled in sheets and limbs)

Four (the nightmares have plagued him and his pulse only calms down when you pull him close)

Three (he pretends to sleep when Steve comes in to tell him to gear up, and he can almost hear your smile when he makes the world’s fakest snore)

Two (it’s any day, the world isn’t ending, he has nowhere to be, so he spends it with you)

One (it should be every day)

Rolling his head to stretch the muscles in his neck, inadvertently leaning into your touch, he’s rewarded with a muted giggle. Looking up, he finds you propped up against your pillows, a book propped open in your lap and the most glorious little smile playing on your lips. Bucky hums contentedly when you push a stray lock of hair behind his ear, your fingertips trailing down his jaw.

“Morning,” he greets you, voice still husky and rough with sleep, catching your hand with his to press a kiss to your knuckles.

Your smile widens, your bottom lip getting pulled in between your teeth. Bucky kisses your hand again, repeating until you duck your head and pull it away, trying to suppress your giggles.

“Getting tired of me already?” He feigns surprise and indignation. “Damn it, I knew it. Find myself a girl and I blow it.”

“You’re a dork. A great, big dork who can help me with my homework.”

“Now that wouldn’t be fair,” Bucky argues, letting go of your hand and settling back in his chair. “‘Sides, you’re the expert on…” He tilts his head in an attempt to get a look at the title, failing to catch it. “…whatever that is. I’d probably bring your grade down.”

The look you give him tries to be stern, but there’s that unmistakable spark that can’t be hidden, a joy that refuses to stay undercover. Bucky can feel his heart soar a little. You’re scheduled for another bout of treatments today, but at least there’s this; a good start, your smile and knowing you’ll be here to fight another day.

“I’m sure you’ll do your best,” you finally say, and it feels like you’re talking about more than just helping out with school.

“Yeah,” he replies, knowing he is definitely not just talking about your assignments. “I always will.”

[starlit--dreams]

What’s Bred in the Bone: Part I

Mass Effect: Andromeda

Jaal x Sara Ryder

A 600 year nap and a 2.5 million light-year journey to find out the answer: are humans and angara genetically compatible?

Rated M for strong language, some sexuality and violence. Alien-human pregnancy fic.

Spoilers for Jaal's romance and loyalty mission, and end of game.

Part I of ??? - Part II - Part III - Part IV - Part V

“Sara, Doctor T’Perro would like to see you in the medbay as soon as possible,” SAM’s “voice” came over their private channel. She murmured an acknowledgement.

Sara didn’t stop to consider the oddness of it at first. Gil was already pulling her out of her armor when it hit her. Why didn’t Lexi just comm her herself? Why was SAM using their private channel? She kept her face as impassive as possible, but she must have tensed.

“Alright?” Gil asked Sara, dumping the last piece onto the table. He would be cleaning it up and doing any minor tweaks he felt it needed to give her an edge out there; his way of feeling like he contributed to the fight.

“Yeah,” she breathed out, startled from her thoughts. “Just, uh, a little sore from the mission. Those Remnant Breachers hit hard,” she lied. “I’ll go see Lexi and see if she has anything I can take for it.”

More than anything she wanted to walk past the medbay to the showers first, coffee second, but something tugged at her gut. It was too unusual. Something was up, and when she headed into the medbay and the door shut behind her, she knew it.

“Sara,” Lexi greeted, her smile tight. It was her worried look.

“Uh oh. Am I in trouble again, doc?” Sara said, putting a hand on her hip. “I swear, I didn’t do anything this time. Barely a scratch!”

“For once,” Lexi said, and while the tightness didn’t leave from the corners of her eyes, her smile was warmly genuine. “A good thing, too. Sara, why don’t you sit down? SAM has told me that you haven’t been feeling well lately.”

Sara bit her lower lip. “It’s… nothing big,” she said slowly, and wondered by SAM hadn’t mentioned this. “Just… I’m pretty sure it’s about the time the reproductive blockers wear off naturally, and my cycle is coming back. That’s all.”

Lexi picked up a datapad, studying it for a moment. “And you haven’t gone back on them? Unless you’ve decided to have children and didn’t tell me?”

“N-no.” Sara blinked. “Well… considering I’m dating an alien from another galaxy, I didn’t think to go back on them. And… well… we were discussing --”

“Just discussing?” Lexi said, interrupting and looking up at her. To Sara, it seemed that she was trying hard to keep her face as neutral as possible.

Sara was quiet for a moment. “Lexi, what is this about?” she said, voice low, but fear creeping into her.

“Please, lie down on the medical bed for me, Sara. I’m going to take a scan full body scan. Just to check on a few things.”

Doing as she was told, protests dying in her throat, Sara took a deep, shuddering breath. The lights of the scan flashed over her once, twice, three times. “Lexi --”

“Goddess, SAM. You were right,” came Lexi’s disbelieving voice.

Fear and frustration finally built up enough in Sara. “What’s going on?”

“Sara,” the doctor said, appearing at her side. She took her hand and gently squeezed it. There was a look on her face that the Pathfinder had never seen before. “I need you to remain calm. But SAM and I have both done thorough scans of your body, and… well, Sara, you’re pregnant.”

“What?!” she practically screeched out, sitting bolt upright on the bed. “No, no, no, no no no, that’s impossible, I’ve only slept with Jaal -- “

“Sara, please remain calm,” SAM’s voice came, and Sara’s protest stopped short. She felt steamrolled. Pregnant… how? Unless it was somehow weirdly delayed since leaving the Milky Way, and gotten past every single medical scan since she joined the Andromeda Initiative. Or sat on something, or some mad scientist drugged her, did something, and put her back before her crew noticed. Or something weird happened with the Remnant tech they poked around. Or --

Wide-eyed, she looked at Lexi, who sighed.

“Our scans indicated that they are, in fact, human-angaran hybrid. The first of their kind, unless I’m mistaken. You’re six weeks along, although that would be only four weeks gestation.”

“Wait -- they?” Sara asked faintly.

“You are carrying twins,” SAM answered simply.

Lexi smiled at her. “Congratulations, Sara. You carry two scientific miracles in your body.”

She didn’t want Lexi’s congratulations. She looked down at her hands in disbelief, heat flushing her face and body. Tears stung her eyes. Some of her symptoms were starting to make sense: moodiness, increased libido, increased hunger, bloated feeling, a mild cramping feeling a week or two back. And mild bouts of nausea she attributed to a number of things.

Tears fell onto her hands and her body shook. Hybrids, either in animals or in the rare cases between sentient species, known weren’t for their perfect health.

“Lexi,” Sara’s voice broke getting her name out. “Please tell me that they will be okay. Won’t they?”

Lexi put a gentle hand on her shoulder. “Right now, Sara, they are so tiny. They are about sixty centimeters long. I can detect them, and their heartbeats, but I have no way of knowing if they will become viable later in your pregnancy. I don’t want to crush your hopes, but neither do I want to set you up for heartbreak later. In truth… I don’t know what will happen. And if that makes you rather terminate, I can do that for you.”

No! her brain screamed at her, and reflexively her hand went to her still-flat stomach. But Sara didn’t want to be so hasty.

“If they aren’t viable… then…” she stopped short. “I need to talk to Jaal before I make any decision. I can’t do this without him.”

“Of course, Sara. Please know that whatever you decide, as your doctor, I will provide you with the best care I can.”  She gave Sara’s shoulder a gentle squeeze.

“Thank you, doctor.”

“Sara, I wish to explain something, “ SAM said over their private channel as she made her way back to her cabin. “I wish to tell you that I was the one who picked up the initial change in your physiology, and alerted Dr. T’Perro.”

“Yeah, I got that,” she responded through gritted tear.

“If this was the incorrect way to handle it, I apologize. I had detected the change in your hormones early on, but chose not to take action until I detected a heartbeat. I thought perhaps that if there was no early viability, it would pass and it would be unwise to trouble you with that knowledge. When I did detect the heartbeat, it was during your last mission, and I did not think it was prudent to interrupt that. I alerted Dr. T’Perro instead, who agreed that she should be the one to explain as soon as you were available.”

Sara sighed, stopping in her tracks. She really couldn’t be annoyed with SAM over this, anyways. “Thank you, SAM. It was nice of you to consider my reaction to this sort of news. You’re right; I wouldn’t have wanted to know in the middle of a fire fight.”

“To know what?” came a voice behind her, and Sara spun around quickly, nearly startled out of her boots.

“Fuck, you scared me Jaal!”

“One of those things were my intention,” he said pointedly. “But not the other. I am sorry, darling one.”

“It’s okay,” she replied, “but you’re not laying a hand on me until I’ve showered first. And maybe gotten some coffee… and maybe a light dinner.”

He cupped her face in his hand, and she closed her eyes, relishing the touch. It made her push back the fear and anxiety still bubbling within her.

“Go and have your shower,” he said, his voice a purr. “And I will provide the rest in your cabin.”

Sara stretched out lazily, her mind hazy and body still pleasantly buzzy from lovemaking. Jaal was holding her close, his face buried in the crook of her neck.

“I love the very smell of you, dearest,” he murmured against her skin.

“Mmmm,” was all she could answer back. A shower, coffee, food and time in bed with her lover had done wonders for her mood. Her body was happy and relaxed, still tingling, with Jaal pressed against her, snug and warm. Once, he had asked her where her favorite place in the galaxy was. Her answer was changing from the one she had given him.

But the creeping coldness of the recent news was only held back temporarily.

“Jaal, I need to talk to you about something,” she said softly.

“Ah,” he said, propping himself up on his elbow. He ran a hand over her still-naked body fondly, his mind obviously still on something else entirely. “Is this what your were muttering about before?”

“Yes,” she said slowly, and there must have been something in her tone that caught Jaal’s attention. He looked up at her, eyes focused on her face and watching carefully -- they both still had trouble at times reading the others’ expressions -- and his body tensed against hers.

“Jaal… I -- well… I went to talk to Lexi after the last mission.”

“I had wondered where you were,” he said slowly.

“And, well… I know you and I had discussed having children in the future.”

His mouth quirked. “Yes,” he said, a little more of an edge to his voice at the memory of that. He wanted children, very much so, and many more and much sooner than Sara had been ready for. It made a sore spot between them at the time.

“I guess the reproductive blockers ran out a little… earlier than expected… and also… apparently, humans and angara are genetically compatible.”

She cringed, waiting for… something; she didn’t know what. And it took a moment before the full weight of what she said to sink in.

“Dearest,” he said, voice thick with emotion. “Are you telling me that you’re pregnant?”

“Yes,” she breathed out, the tears welling up faster than she expected.

“Oh! You beautiful, brave, clever girl!” he roared with excitement, pulling her into him arms and holding her tightly, though carefully. “My darling Sara, you have made me the happiest man in the entire galaxy -- dear one, why are you crying?” he said suddenly as she began to sob. She couldn’t answer him, not all of the bottled fear and anxiety was let out. He held her, stroking her hair and kissing the top of her head until she calmed down enough to talk.

“Does this make you so unhappy?” he asked, and she could hear the heartbreak in his voice at that thought.

“No!” she said quickly. “No, it’s not that, Jaal. I’m scared. I’m terrified. What if -- what if they aren’t viable? What if they are, but born very sick? What will everyone say? What are we going to do?”

“Oh, Sara,” he said, kissing her tears away. “What will we do? We will love and support each other. What else is there to do?”

“How can it be that simple?” she asked him, looking into his blue eyes.

“How can it not? We have faced so much together just doing that. We will face this the same way.” His hand went to her belly, rubbing it gently. “Whatever happens, we must have hope. Isn’t that required of a pathfinder?”

“Ha-ha,” she said bitterly. “Jaal, even if everything works out fine for the babies, there will be others who won’t like this. What about your people? Your family?”

He smiled at her. “Whatever privately certain individuals might feel about this in my family, as a whole, they will be supportive. It is still their family. My people… well, some were reluctant about you showing up with your ship on fire at Aya, and yet look at what you’ve done so far, hmm? And...” he eyed her. “You said they. As in… you carry more than one?”

She smiled weakly through her tears. “It’s twins.”

“There’s a little bit of that smile I love,” he said, kissing her gently. “I can’t promise that I can make everything right, but I can promise you that I will do everything I can for you and our babies.”

A small spark of hope lit in her heart at that. Regardless of what would happen, she had him. Maybe that was all she needed to find her strength in it.

[totalfanfreak]

My Sweet Pup Pt. 7

My Sweet Pup Pt. 7

You felt the sheets under you as you were put back to bed again, you hated it, you hated being dependent on people like this. It wasn’t as bad as it had been before, not even close, within that first week you couldn’t lift your head from being so frail, which had sickened you more. You hadn’t lost your hair, not much of it anyways, not enough to be noticeable.

But there had been enough strands in the brush after one stroke to know it was the medication. You knew you had to go to the bottom before you could climb up and be strong again, but wasn’t it time yet? Carson had stopped with the IV’s a month in, and now it was a month later, you should be feeling a little better, shouldn’t you?

You were doing a lot better than you were, the past few weeks you had started to move around more, even allowed to sit in the common area for a while. But you still felt terrible. You weren’t a doctor and would never claim to be, but you did know you wanted this over with. If you had known what it would entail you might’ve forgone the whole damn thing. You felt your stomach start to churn again, and you made yourself sit up.

“You okay?”

No, Sherry, I’m not.

The nausea was the worst part; it never ebbed, your stomach always gurgling. You didn’t want to eat, you had tried to avoid it, but Negan caught on, the swirling and moving food around your plate, spitting it in a napkin. Yeah, the trick was caught straightaway, he sat down at every meal he could after that, checking every crevice you could hide something in. He was actually doing well with it, better than you, then again he wasn’t going through the same things you were. But every complaint you had, every time you tried to cause trouble, or gave criticism he took it with a smile.

He kept you mostly in his room, cradling you at night like a glass doll, softly as not to bruise or break, but firmly enough to let you feel him. It was those little things that made such a difference to you. Like how he’d cut up your food, talking about whatever came to mind, as though you couldn’t see him do it if his mouth was moving, or how he would rub lotion on your patchy skin every morning and evening, or the times he’d bundle you up and take you to the greenhouse to sit, reading softly to you.

But he wasn’t here now, no, and when he wasn’t here Daryl had been allowed to fill in, making you a grateful wreck. He had wanted Sherry or one of the girls to do the bulk of handling you when he was away, and have a male guard nearby in case you needed to be carried. But you didn’t want them to, and by the way most turned green at the sight of you retching they didn’t want to either. After a whole list of potentials had been crossed off, it had been left to Daryl to pick you up and down.

You weren’t sure where he found the strength to do so, him being beaten for his escape attempt. But he had, and it was a mess, Daryl being just as sweet as Negan in caring for you, the whole thing making you burst in tears at spontaneous moments, causing whichever one was with you to draw back in alarm.

You were about to start crying now, as you felt him beside you, moving your hair back while a bucket was placed on the bed for you. You waited for the hiccups the onset of the purge your eyes barely opening to look at the bottom of the bucket. It came on all at once this time, a small burp and the discharge. You groaned, tired, there wasn’t anything left inside you to belly up.

“Maybe I should get her some crackers.”

Oh, God no. Anything near your stomach would tear it to shreds right now. You tried to breathe the pain back, shaking your head while you did.

“You need something in your stomach Y/N, you’ll start dry heaving again if you don’t.”

She was right, and that was far worse than this. It was then you felt small circles being rubbed on your back, and you tried to give a sheepish smile to Daryl, knowing you were failing you placed your head on the rim of the bucket.

“I want this over with.”

“I know, it will be, you just need time.”

You looked up at Sherry then, her brown eyes full of sincere concern, and you wanted to thank her. But your stomach rebelled and you burrowed your face again like an ostrich.

“Knock, knock!”

You could hear Tanya’s chirpy voice, and you cringed from the volume.

“I brought lunch.”

“Ugh.”

“Aww, you’re welcome. It’s just soup and oyster crackers, but it should fill you up.”

She sat the tray on your lap, taking a seat at the end of the bed.

“I have some gossip while you eat.”

“You act like we’re in grade school, Tanya.”

She rolled her eyes at Sherry before turning back to you.

You shrugged. “I don’t mind, nice to know what’s going on.”

Tanya smirked. “See? A kid tried to ambush us.”

You looked up from pushing around the crackers. “What?”

Tanya nodded her head excitedly. “I know, right? Of course he didn’t get far, but he’s like barely sixteen or something and he shoots down two guys, how screwed up is that?”

You could feel Daryl bristling beside you, listening intently.

“Did he say why he was here?”

You both turned to Sherry then, and Tanya shrugged. “Why do you think?

Apparently Negan killed some of his group and he wanted revenge or something. But like I said he didn’t get far, Negan’s taking him around for now; don’t know what he’ll do with him yet. He’s a cute little guy though, has a cowboy hat and an eyepatch.”

You could feel Daryl stiffen fully now, and you put your hand on his shoulder.

“You okay?”

He grunted but didn’t answer. He never did when the girls were in the room, but you knew without words something was wrong.

“Do you think Negan will let him go?”

Tanya looked at you like you were crazy. “He shot down two guys, Y/N.”

“He’s a kid, though.”

“If we had a jury they’d try him as an adult and put him on death row.”

You were getting restless now. “If we had a jury we wouldn’t be using the flippin’ iron.”

You’d talk to Negan, you were sure he wouldn’t hurt the boy, but you had to hear what he was going to do with him. You felt hands trying to push you back to the mattress and you looked to Daryl sternly.

“I’m not sitting this out. I want to make sure he’s okay. It means something to you, I can tell, so let me do this.”

He stepped aside on that, and though the girls protested you grabbed for some clothes in your dresser.

“Well, looky in here, we got ourselves the making of a slumber party. But then again, aren’t they meant to be spent in bed?”

You looked to your husband who was glaring at you, agitated that you had gotten up from bed.

“I wanted to see the boy that’s here.”

“Ah, you heard of our guest, sure darlin’, after we have a chat with the doc here you can dress and sit in the common room. As long as you’re not saying you have a thing for younger men now.”

“I heard he shot –“

“We’ll talk about it after the doc, now everyone else can leave.”  He pulled a pistol from his belt, cocking it, before handing it to Tanya. “Dovey, Logan’s waiting downstairs to take Daryl to the playground for some exercise, you take our beloved canine down to him and if he acts up you put a bullet in his head.”

“I could –“

“No, darlin’, sit down. Bye-bye folks. Private meeting in session.”

You watched them leave, knowing Tanya was nervous to be holding a gun on someone, hopefully it’d be okay since Sherry was with her. Negan sat across from you on the couch with a wide grin on his face.

“You want the great or better news?”

You shrugged. “Great, works for me.”

“Tell her doc.”

You cocked a brow before turning to Carson who was giving a gentle smile.

“Your blood count seems to have improved significantly, Y/N.”

“Do you think that means the chemo worked?”

“We cannot be a hundred percent, but I do believe it has increased your odds of survival. I’m afraid with the spirometer your lungs haven’t improved much, but I’m optimistic. We are going to sit back for a little while and just observe how you do. You’re still very fragile right now, Y/N, and if you’ll need more of the medication, to see if there’s anything we can tweak here and there to help you along.”

You were going to cry. “Oh my God, that’s great, that’s wonderful. I know, like you said it’s not a for sure thing, but it feels good. I might get to stop feeling sick and be normal for a change.”

You went to Negan, letting yourself fall into his lap. “I get to live! Maybe I can go out with you now, not necessarily on runs, but we could go riding somewhere. We could –“

You could do anything now. For now, whatever, who cared? You were overwhelmed by the giddiness, and were brought back by the Negan’s beard on your neck.

“You might want to give her the other news doc before she decides she want to dig to China.”

Carson cleared his throat, obviously pleased to bring you good news. “Well, you see, Y/N, we should have caught this a month ago –“

You looked up to Carson in fear. “What, something else is wrong?”

“No, sunshine, just listen.”

“It is a good piece of news, I think, but we’ve been keeping such an eye on your blood count and trying to use what we can to see if your white cell count is in balance we never paid attention to your hCG’s.”

“Which are?”

Carson grinned. “You’re pregnant, Y/N.”

Time seemed to tilt. “I’m what?”

You could feel Negan’s arms wrap around you, his palms pressing onto your stomach. “You’re gonna be a mommy, sunshine. And I’m going to be a dad. A FUCKIN’ DAD!”

Gif by mypapawinchester

“But we haven’t…not since, how?”

Carson smiled. “Like I said I’m afraid we weren’t looking for it, but I’d say when looking back at the charts you’re about two months along.”

“Two months?”

“About that.”

Two months? Two months ago you had been with Negan, but you had also been with…Oh, God.

“I don’t feel so well.”

“It’s a lot to take in I’m sure.”

You nodded to the doctor letting your head fall to your knees to stave off the nausea. You felt Negan’s hand on your back, rubbing in his standard up and down, Negan in lines and Daryl in shapes. You kept bringing them each in your mind and you wanted to bang your head on a brick.

“This is all completely natural; the nausea will subside within the fourth month usually. With the medication given we cannot be too sure of what all is the pregnancy and what isn’t but we’ll do our best to help you manage it.”

“Thank you, both of you, it is good news. I just…it’s so much…I can’t…”

You had started to cry, the inside of your chest going cold. You felt yourself being pulled in Negan’s arms, him pressing your head to his chest.

“Is this fucking normal too, doc?”

“Afraid so, with the chemo and the pregnancy her hormones will be all over the place for a long while. But she won’t always be crying, mood swings include anger too –“

“I wish you both would stop talking like I’m not here.”

“Well, there she goes.”

You could hear the grin in his voice, and you wanted to smack it off him. But you knew he had wanted this, for such a long time he had, and you had wanted it for him. But if it wasn’t his, if it wasn’t…All you could think of is Negan’s lip curling in disgust when the baby looked up at him with blue eyes. But all babies had blue eyes when they were first born, don’t they? You were sure you had read or heard that somewhere. But what about Daryl? Didn’t he have the right to know? In a way, did it matter; there was no way to do a paternity test. There was no way…

“Come on, darlin’.”

“Where are we going?”

“The common room, you said you wanted to meet the boy and there’s some things I need to take care of with one of the girls so you can play hostess while I deal with it. So let’s go, make sure Dave hasn’t killed him yet.” You were still tired, fatigue coursing through you, but you worked through it. Not wanting Negan to see and have to be sent back to the room.

“What will you do with him?”

“Hmm?”

“The boy, he is a boy, a child right?”

“I ain’t going to kill him darlin’.”

“Not really an answer.”

“You got enough to worry about right now, than to worry about him, just relax.”

“Ladies! And how are we this fine afternoon?”

Negan didn’t wait for an answer, craning his head to the corner of the room where David was ready with his gun.

“Alright Davey, stand down. Come here, kid, got someone you can meet.”

Tanya had been right, he couldn’t be over eighteen, he had gauze wrapped around his head to cover his eye and, well, you knew it wasn’t a cowboy hat but it was a hat.

“Carl, meet Y/N, my sunshine, light of my life wife. Kind of sing songy, isn’t it?How about you two go sit over there and get acquainted. And kid, you may want to be extra nice to her, because how you treat that one is how I’ll treat you. Now Sherry, may I talk to you, dear wife?”

You motioned for him to sit on the loveseat, he seemed anxious but was making a desperate attempt to not show it. You gave him a kind smile, gesturing to the checkerboard that was laid in the middle.

“You play?”

He nodded, not looking up at you. Putting the pieces in place you let him go first.

“I like your hat.”

“Thank you.”

“It’s not a cowboy hat, is it?”

He snorted. “No ma’am, it’s a sheriff’s hat.”

Your eyes lit up in recognition. “Oh, a super trooper hat. Haven’t seen one in so long I never would have gotten figured it out.”

“Yeah, I guess my dad may be one of the few still left.”

“Your dad’s a cop? Does he know you came here then?”

He looked up, skeptic distrust in his eyes. “Why? Is your ‘husband’ making you ask me?”

You ignored the tone, shaking your head at him. “No, just if I was your parent and you went off to a place like this I’d probably scream at you until every walker in the state came on us.”

His posture relaxed then. “Yeah, he probably will. If I make it out.”

“You will, Negan won’t hurt you. But you shouldn’t have killed those men.”

“He probably shouldn’t have killed my friends.”

“I know it doesn’t help, but I’m sorry about your friends.”

“It doesn’t, but thanks. You don’t look like them, you know?”

“Huh?”

He tried to fight a smile. “The other women here, you don’t look like them, the way you dress and stuff.”

You looked around the room, yeah, Negan usually preferred black, but it made things dreary. Usual you had settled for pastels, today a sunny yellow long sleeve dress and boots, it was warm and comfortable, bright, and not showing much skin. No, you didn’t look like the rest.

“I suppose I don’t. That bad?”

“Guess not, does that mean you’re his favorite or something?”

Your lips parted on that. You had no idea. “I don’t know, perhaps. I think there are traits in each of us he likes best.”

“Talking about me I see.”

Looking up you saw Negan smiling coyly at you, holding a hand out for yours. Letting him have it he thrust a brown bottle into your palm before going across the room. Taking a sip you started to spit it out.

“This is diet!”

“Why I didn’t want it, sunshine!”

You snorted, looking back to Carl who was looking at the bottle. “Diet beer?”

You smiled. “Root beer. I can’t have alcohol.”

“You that young?”

You laughed, shaking your head again. “No, just not a good idea for me. You want it?”

“Sure, haven’t had any kind of soda in a while. You know, he looks at you different too.”

“What do you mean?”

He shrugged, taking a chug. “I don’t know, he always looks like he’s scheming something, trying to tear someone apart and analyze them. He just doesn’t with you.”

“That’s sweet, in a way. I think. Carl, do you somehow know someone named Daryl?”

The boy’s head cocked up with the name. “Daryl, you know Daryl?”

“Yes, how do you know him?”

“He lived with us in Alexandria, I’ve known him even before that…when this all started. He’s –“

“Family?”

“Yeah, he is.”

“He said the same thing about the people there. But I don’t understand, are you, did they make you a soldier there?”

“A soldier? What do you mean?”

“I-I was told that most people from Alexandria were soldiers that took over other neighborhoods, Daryl told me that one of his friends had a wife, but I heard not many women live there. That it was male oriented –“

“Where did you hear all that crap?”

“Around, things circle around here, it’s not like Negan will tell –“

”THAT’S RIGHT! YOU DO NOT…cheat on me.”

You went rigid at the words. Amber. She had been caught.

And it could’ve just as easily been you.

The way he whispered the words, the subtle hurt behind them. It may as well be you. You had hurt him just as much without him knowing, but…You were numbing up, squeezing your eyes shut to drown out the words.

"You okay?"

"I'm fine, Carl, but thanks."

His eye scanned you over, he could tell you were lying but didn't press it.

"Sunshine, will you go get Carson for me in a minute?"

"Sure, why?"

"Somebody needs to be punished darlin' that's all you need to know."

"With Amber...did you - were you hard on her?"

"Now why is everyone asking me that? No, darlin', I wasn't though I can be very hard in general."

"Don't talk like that in front of Carl."

"He's an asshole, why does he care?"

Negan spun around to Sherry who was filling her tumbler. "And I know that too, dear, but funny thing is you like it. Which is why is stuck around this long. You know the truth just like the rest of us here."

You held your breath, watching them stare the other down before you saw Dwight drag Daryl in with a tray.

"Why is he back in that sweat suit?"

"Because I want him to be sunshine, doggy needed a little exercise, didn't want to get those nice clothes you got him dirty, now did we? Carl, grab this tray for me."

Taking the try you saw Carl whisper something in Daryl's ear, Daryl's eyes flicking to yours briefly.

"Why you got him here?"

"Whoa! What we talk about when you're not here is none of your business."

He looked back to Sherry then who nodded sourly before going back to her drink.

"All this damn glum in here, how about you congratulate me Dwighty boy!"

"Congratulations."

Negan snickered, making his way behind you and placing his hands softly on your shoulders. "You don't even know what the fuck for. You see this one right here, all you girls better be looking at her. This is the only one here who has a fucking clue. All of you might have your own goddamn agendas here but this one is the only one who gives two shits for me. Don't know what the hell exactly I'll do with you yet, but it's over, this girl here is the one. Always has been I'd say. But she...she is going to make me a daddy."

You could hear the girls gasp, as you blushed, looking down.

"Yesiree just found out today. Even going through all the shit she's going through she was still able to give me the best gift someone could ask for. Which isn't hard compared to the rest of you."

"Congratulations, sir, to you both."

"Thank you, Dwight."

Raising your head up you could see Daryl staring you down, his eyes wide, nostrils flaring as he tried to fight Dwight from dragging him away.

{BuckyBarnes107, I hate you in the best possible way lmao, I actually thought about dropping the story because I was like I knew I was too predictable but I said fuck it. I love you though :D. But you guys can guess the next chapter then the endings YAY!} Taggies!: @halluciel​​ @its-bri19​​ @elinyaes​​ @bubble-dreamer123​​ @straigtestgay-voice

[qwertsypage]

RisingStack in 2019 - Achievements, Highlights and Blogposts.

🎄 How was 2019 at RisingStack? 🥳 - you might ask, as a kind reader already did it in a comment under our wrap-up of 2018.

Well, it was an intensive year with a lot of new challenges and major events in the life of our team!

Just to quickly sum it up:

We grew our team to 16! All of our engineers are full-stack in the sense that we can confidently handle front-end, back-end, and operations tasks as well - as you'll see from this year's blogpost collection.

We launched our new website, which communicates what we do and capable of more clearly (I hope at least). 🤞 Also, a new design for the blog is coming as well!

This year ~1.250.000 developers (unique users) visited our blog! 🤩

We just surpassed 5.7 million unique readers in total, who generated almost 12 million pageviews so far in the past 5 years.

We have now more than 220 articles on the site - written by our team exclusively.

We had the honor to participate in JSconf Budapest by providing a workshop for attendees on GraphQL and Apollo. 🎓

We delivered a 10-weeks-long online DevOps training for around 100 developers in partnership with HWSW, Hungary's leading tech newspaper.

We kept on organizing local Node.js meetups here in Budapest, with more than 100 attendees for almost every event this year. 🤓

We had the opportunity to work with huge companies like DHL, Canvas (market leader e-learning platform), and Uniqa (insurance corp.).

We met with fantastic people all over the world. We've been in LA, Sarajevo, Amsterdam, Prague, and Helsinki too. 🍻

We moved to a new office in the heart of Budapest!

🤔 Okay, okay... But what about blogging?

Blogging in 2019

You might have noticed that we did not write as much blogposts this year as we did before.

The reason is simple: Fortunately, we had so many new projects and clients that we had very little time to write about what we love and what we do.

Despite our shrinking time for writing blogposts, I think we still created interesting articles that you might learn a thing or two from.

Here's a quick recap from the blog in 2019. You can use this list to navigate.

Stripe 101 for JavaScript Developers

Generating PDF from HTML with Node & Puppeteer

REST in Peace. Long Live GraphQL!

Case Study: Nameserver Issue Investigation

RisingStack Joins the Cloud Native Node.js Project

A Definitive React-Native Guide for React Developers

Design Systems for React Developers

Node.js v12 - New Features You Shouldn't Miss

Building a D3.js Calendar Heatmap

Golang Tutorial for Node.js Developers

How to Deploy a Ceph Storage to Bare Virtual Machines

Update Now! Node.js 8 is Not Supported from 2020.

Great Content from JSConf Budapest 2019

Get Hooked on Classless React

Stripe 101 for JavaScript Developers

Sample app, detailed guidance & best practices to help you get started with Stripe Payments integration as a JavaScript developer.

At RisingStack, we’ve been working with a client from the US healthcare scene who hired us to create a large-scale webshop they can use to sell their products. During the creation of this Stripe based platform, we spent a lot of time with studying the documentation and figuring out the integration. Not because it is hard, but there's a certain amount of Stripe related knowledge that you'll need to internalize.

Read: Stripe Payments Integration 101 for JavaScript Developers

Generating PDF from HTML with Node & Puppeteer

Learn how you can generate a PDF document from a heavily styled React page using Node.js, Puppeteer, headless Chrome, and Docker.

Background: A few months ago, one of the clients of RisingStack asked us to develop a feature where the user would be able to request a React page in PDF format. That page is basically a report/result for patients with data visualization, containing a lot of SVGs. Furthermore, there were some special requests to manipulate the layout and make some rearrangements of the HTML elements. So the PDF should have different styling and additions compared to the original React page.

As the assignment was a bit more complex than what could have been solved with simple CSS rules, we first explored possible implementations. Essentially we found 3 main solutions we describe in this article.

Read: Generating PDF from HTML with Node.js and Puppeteer

REST in Peace. Long Live GraphQL!

As you might already hear about it, we're the organizers of the Node.js Budapest meetup group with around ~1500 members. During an event in February, Peter Czibik delivered a talk about GrahpQL to an audience of about 120 ppl.

It was a highly informative and fun talk, so I recommend you to check it out!

Case Study: Nameserver Issue Investigation

In the following blogpost, we will walk you through how we chased down a DNS resolution issue for one of our clients. Even though the problem at hand was very specific, you might find the steps we took during the investigation useful.

Also, the tools we used might also prove to be helpful in case you'd face something similar in the future. We will also discuss how the Domain Name System (works), so buckle up!

Read the blogpost here: Case Study: Nameserver Issue Investigation using curl, dig+trace & nslookup

RisingStack Joins the Cloud Native Node.js Project

In March 2019, we announced our collaboration with IBM on the Cloud Native JS project, which aims to provide best practices and tools to build and integrate enterprise-grade Cloud Native Node.js applications.

As a first step of contribution to the project, we released an article on CNJS’s blog - titled “How to Build and Deploy a Cloud Native Node.js App in 15 minutes”. In this article we show how you can turn a simple Hello World Node.js app into a Dockerized application running on Kubernetes with all the best-practices applied - using the tools provided by CNJS in the process.

A Definitive React-Native Guide for React Developers

In this series, we cover the basics of React-Native development, compare some ideas with React, and develop a game together. By the end of this tutorial, you’ll become confident with using the built-in components, styling, storing persisting data, animating the UI, and many more.

Part I: Getting Started with React Native - intro, key concepts & setting up our developer environment

Part II: Building our Home Screen - splitting index.js & styles.js, creating the app header, and so on..

Part III: Creating the Main Game Logic + Grid - creating multiple screens, type checking with prop-types, generating our flex grid

Part IV: Bottom Bar & Responsible Layout - also, making our game pausable and adding a way to lose!

Part V: Sound and Animation + persisting data with React-Native AsyncStorage

Design Systems for React Developers

In this post, we provide a brief introduction to design systems and describe the advantages and use-cases for having one. After that, we show Base Web, the React implementation of the Base Design System which helps you build accessible React applications super quickly.

Node.js v12 - New Features You Shouldn't Miss

Node 12 is in LTS since October, and will be maintained until 2022. Here is a list of changes we consider essential to highlight:

V8 updated to version 7.4

Async stack traces arrived

Faster async/await implementation

New JavaScript language features

Performance tweaks & improvements

Progress on Worker threads, N-API

Default HTTP parser switched to llhttp

New experimental “Diagnostic Reports” feature

Read our deep-dive into Node 12 here.

Building a D3.js Calendar Heatmap

In this article, we take a look at StackOverflow’s usage statistics by creating an interactive calendar heatmap using D3.js!

We go through the process of preparing the input data, creating the chart with D3.js, and doing some deductions based on the result.

Read the full article here Building a D3.js Calendar Heatmap. Also, this article has a previous installment called Building Interactive Bar Charts with JavaScript.

Golang Tutorial for Node.js Developers

In case you are a Node.js developer, (like we are at RisingStack) and you are interested in learning Golang, this blogpost is made for you! Throughout this tutorial series, we'll cover the basics of getting started with the Go language, while building an app and exposing it through a REST, GraphQL and GRPC API together.

In the first part of this golang tutorial series, we’re covering:

Golang Setup

net/http with Go

encoding/json

dependency management

build tooling

Read the Golang for Node developers tutorial here.

How to Deploy a Ceph Storage to Bare Virtual Machines

Ceph is a freely available storage platform that implements object storage on a single distributed computer cluster and provides interfaces for object-, block- and file-level storage. Ceph aims primarily for completely distributed operation without a single point of failure. It manages data replication and is generally quite fault-tolerant. As a result of its design, the system is both self-healing and self-managing.

Ceph has loads of benefits and great features, but the main drawback is that you have to host and manage it yourself. In this post, we're checking out two different approaches of deploying Ceph.

Read the article: Deploying Ceph to Bare Virtual Machines

Update Now! Node.js 8 is Not Supported from 2020.

The Node.js 8.x Maintenance LTS cycle will expire on December 31, 2019 - which means that Node 8 won’t get any more updates, bug fixes or security patches. In this article, we’ll discuss how and why you should move to newer, feature-packed, still supported versions.

We’re also going to pinpoint issues you might face during the migration, and potential steps you can take to ensure that everything goes well.

Read the article about updating Node here.

Great Content from JSConf Budapest 2019

JSConf Budapest is a JSConf family member 2-day non-profit community conference about JavaScript in the beautiful Budapest, Hungary. RisingStack participated in the conf for several years as well as we did this September.

In 2019 we delivered a workshop called "High-Performance Microservices with GraphQL and Apollo" as our contribution to the event.

We also collected content you should check out from the conf. Have fun!

Get Hooked on Classless React

Our last meetup in 2019 was centered around React Hooks. What is a hook?

A Hook is a function provided by React, which lets you hook into React features from your functional component. This is exactly what we need to use functional components instead of classes. Hooks will give you all React features without classes.

Hooks make your code more maintainable, they let you reuse stateful logic, and since you are reusing stateful logic, you can avoid the wrapper hull and the component reimplementation.

Check out the prezentation about React Hooks here.

RisingStack in 2020

We're looking forward to the new year with some interesting plans already lined up for Q1:

We'll keep on extending our team to serve new incoming business.

We have several blogposts series in the making, mainly on DevOps topics.

We'll announce an exciting new event we'll co-organize with partners from the US and Finnland soon, so stay tuned!

We're going to release new training agendas around Node, React & GraphQL, as well as a new training calendar with open trainings for 2020.

How was your 2019?

RisingStack in 2019 - Achievements, Highlights and Blogposts. published first on https://koresolpage.tumblr.com/

[endowarrior877]

Introducing me and my Endometriosis.

Greetings! I'm going to spend a little time today telling you a bit about me. This is the second attempt at writing this after I didn't like the first copy so I scrapped it and started again, hopefully I can get off to a better start this time. After I read this back I thought some readers might find some parts upsetting and hard to read. This isn't an overly happy story. I do apologize as always if I upset or offend any more. It's never my intention.

So my name is Charlie and I'm 28 years old. I was born in Bradford, England but I've lived in Scotland most of my life until moving to Holland, 6 months ago. I'm the eldest of 5 and have 2 younger sisters and two even younger brothers. I didn't have the childhood I would have liked and after the abuse from my mother took its toll I ran away at the young age of 15 and never really looked back. It was the hardest but best decision I've ever made. I had no idea how to handle life but it was better than the mental and physical abuse I suffered at home. I haven't had contact with my mum for at least 6 years now and I'm totally happy with that.

The one person I am most closest to is my dear gran, my mums mum. I love her to pieces and I miss that I'm not close enough to go round and help her with things and just spend time with her. We speak on the phone regularly but I normally leave each call sad because she is old and alone and I can't be there for her. She isn't well with a number of health issues so in an ideal world I would take care of her but that isn't possible. She's understanding about my disease and gets upset when I tell her I'm in pain. I try to not tell her what's really going on back here because she will worry and I don't want that for her.

I started my period when I was 13. Right from the first one Ive always experienced really painful cramping and heavy bleeding. This would be the start of things to come. I didn't look forward to that time of the month. I continued on with life having super heavy killer periods that seemed to last for well over a week and a half sometimes. On occasions the cramps, sickness and bowel issues would be so bad I would have to miss school, college and social events. I never really went to the doctors as I just thought this was typical of being a woman plus it only really happened around my period and then I'd be okay. Using over the counter medication, the bath or hot water bottle I'd manage my pain at home and get through my period and things would go back to normal for a bit.

I fell pregnant at 18 and I suffered badly with hyperemisis which is when you experience sickness all day, unable to keep food and fluids down and you loose 5%+ of your body weight. I lost a lot of weight and was continually sick for all of my pregnancy. I was admitted into hospital for days having to get IV drips and anti sickness meds on a few occasions. I also suffered extremely bad cramps, it was a pretty miserable time, but me and hubby stayed positive and made it through a natural delivery which only lasted 4 hours.

The cramps I felt back then are the same as what I feel now on a daily basis. It is the same pain. I know endometriosis is meant to go away when you're pregnant but it didn't for me. I am one of the small number of people where it doesn't get better. I still didn't know what endometriosis even was at the time or that something was wrong with me so wasn't able to recognize the pain like I can now.

During my first pregnancy I would also notice the first, still here to this day, bowel symptoms. My apologies because it's kinda gross but, well I noticed my stools were covered in mucus. And loads of it too, sometimes that's all I'd pass. I know so gross. I'm sorry!! This can also be a symptom of IBS and this has always been put down to this, though after doing lots of research I don't agree that it's IBS causing it. I do however believe it is to do with me having endometriosis in my bowel. My bowel movements also changed and I wasn't digesting food which creeped me out! It was going in whole and coming out the same way. What the hell?!! Still I didn't really have any pain that overly concerned me but i was worried about passing big balls of mucus. That didn't sound too healthy.

I've always followed a relatively good diet for a while now and I cook most things from scratch. I also love baking and my favorite thing to make, pies! When I noticed the change in my bowels I tweaked my diet again to make it a bit more healthier. I was still noticing the same things happening and would think about it constantly spending countless hours worrying, thinking about what was causing this. It freaked me out and I didn't feel normal. In fact I felt like a freak. When my eldest was about 3 I started getting my first signs of pain when I opened my bowels. It actually felt like I'd gone in to labour. I started sweating loads, it was dripping of my head. What was happening? The pain didn't last any longer than 5 mins, then I was completely fine. A little shaken up but okay.

This happened just before my period. It happened again the following month but lasting a bit longer. The pain was intense. I couldn't understand what could be causing it. I wasn't constipated in fact more the opposite so it couldn't have been that. It kept happening and getting worse and would last longer each time. On one occasion i ran a bath and got in to see if that could ease the pain as it had lasted about 20mins. I got in and the pain gradually settled. I would now run a bath at the same time as moving my bowels and then jump in the bath of the pain was at a crazy level uncontrollable level. This had a massive impact on everyday life because if that happened anywhere but home I was screwed. I also had to drop everything because i had to deal with my pain before I did anything else.

When it started happening at least once a week I went to my GP. I still remember the meeting and I can remember what I told her. I explained that when I opened my bowels I would experience the most excruciating period cramps. I didn't know what I was describing but I'd accurately explained my symptoms which are the same endometriosis in the bowels. Of course not thinking it was anything sinister it was suggested that this was probably irritable bowel syndrome. She talked to me about IBS, gave me some leaflets said to change a few things in my diet. I went away feeling hopeful and read everything.

I would spend the next 6 years back and forth complaining of the same thing being told I had various bowel problems. I tried every bowel/stomach medication because it was thought I had at one point chrons disease, a range of food intolerances, trapped wind, bowel obstruction, perforated bowel, constipation, colitis, IBS, reflux acid, tummy spasms, bowel spasms and IBD. All while the amount of mucus I'm seeing is getting worse and no one can tell me why and the pain is increasing at a crazy rate taking over my life.

At the time my bowel movements were building up to their worst I had the pleasure of having 2 rectal exams to see if they could find anything from with my bowels after no meds worked. Nothing was found for the first one, but the second would find a tiny lump which concerned my doctor. He arranged a sigmoidoscopy have it checked. A few weeks later I found out I was pregnant and the little lump the GP felt was actually my cervix and not a potential cancerous lump. I was over the moon, I'd wanted baby #2 for a while now and the lump was just the makings of teeny so it was brilliant news. It was decided that I would still have the sigmoidoscopy so that went ahead put would only be done on a smaller section of my bowel. He found that I had a torturous colon, slight inflammation and internal hemorrhoids. Other than that there was nothing there. The mystery went unsolved.

Even though it was a really amazing time that I was pregnant and I was buzzing for the 3 of us to be 4, it kind of came at a bad time in terms of my chronic illness because all my symptoms were instantly dismissed as pregnancy symptoms. I vomited around 70+ times a day, every day. My weight at the start of that pregnancy was at 8.5 stone and then dropped to 5.5 stone at around 6.5 months pregnant. I felt sick 24/7 and was in the worst imaginable pain just as much. There were even talks of a feeding tube being introduced because I couldn't keep anything down. I was tested for so many things as my obstetrics specialist didn't believe it was hyperemisis causing all of this alone and made other investigations and she wasn't completely wrong, she just had her own thoughts about what was wrong with me. Some tests included looking for stomach bugs and various viruses and chrons but everything came back negative. No one could fix me or that's how it felt.

Towards the end of my pregnancy I was put on a high dose of steroids because it was suggested again that I had chrons disease. They didn't originally want to do this as I was pregnant at the time but I was so ill the docs were trying anything and everything now. They didn't help. The dose increased again and again. Another upsetting failure. Why didn't anything work? I was pregnant and I was on a lot of medication to try and help with my sickness and pain but everything failed. There was a possibility the meds i was taking would have an effect of teeny so I hated myself for having to take all these chemicals. I hated life and was very depressed and withdrawn at times. I was so sick it literally nearly killed me and teeny. She was born at 7 months by emergency c section. She spent a further 6 weeks in hospital before we finally got to take her home and enjoy her. She is perfectly healthy and although took a few days to adjust to her new surroundings after that she just flourished. I am a very proud mammy to both girls.

When I was pregnant I was also misdiagnosed as being anorexic and crazy. I was informed about the possibility of me just being 'crazy' but I had no idea about being diagnosed with anorexia. I wasn't any of those things just a very sick woman who was in a lot of pain, trying to grow a human inside, emotionally distraught from all of the pain and sicknesses. This is something that will always hurt. I thought after teeny was here the pains would go just like the sickness but that didn't happen. The pain stayed and got increasingly worse. Thankfully the sickness was gone shortly after she was delivered.

The bath was the only thing that really helped ease my pain when it was really bad, I'd sit there until the pain stopped. I'd asked so many times for pain relief but always been refused. I didn't really care what I was given I just wanted the pain to stop. I think the fact some doctors thought that this was in my head made them feel very reluctant to give me anything. And you know as frustrating as it is there were just doing their job. I suffered as a consequence but it wasn't their actual intention. I did however try nerve blocking meds, anti acid meds, anti reflux meds, meds to help digestion, laxatives, anti bowel spasm med, meds to help if it really was my mind conjuring the pain up and various hormones. None of which really helped. Getting no further with the docs and pain relief, I had no choice but to use the bath to stop my flares. That eventually turned into my literally living in a constantly running hot bath and boy does that cost a lot of money. It wasn't ideal and living in the bath and being a mother of 2 is impossible to do within the confines of a bath. I couldn't do anything because I was stuck in the darn hot bath. It's also wrecked my back as a result.

We even spent one Christmas opening presents in the bathroom because I was in too much pain and I had to get a bath for most of the morning. I didn't want to keep the eldest waiting any longer so we did Christmas morning from the bathroom. Everyone was happy apart from me. But even though we were all piled in a small bathroom, we were all together so that's all that mattered.

The doctors that didn't think it was all in my head still thought it could still be a bowel problem, although I wasn't sure now because all tests came back negative and all the meds they tried had failed. I was offered a colonoscopy to test for chrons this time. The test came back negative and I was heart broken. What the hell was wrong with me? Why was I experiencing so much intense cramping now on and off my period and more so when I opened my bowels? Why was I passing huge balls of mucus that felt like I was going into labour over and over again? What was it if it's wasn't chrons? Was it maybe in my head after all? Was I going crazy? All these questions played on my head every minute of the day.

Life continued and I was in the bath one day after a flare doing some more research into Chrons disease. I knew the disease inside out but I didn't have all the symptoms listed and also had some that weren't mentioned. This always concerned me. I was reading a forum and someone had commented about being misdiagnosed with Chrons. They actually had endometriosis. I was curious and typed it in google and started to read about it. Holy cow! There were ALL my symptoms. Not one was missing either way. It was so weird, could this be what was wrong? I showed this to hubby and he thought it sounded promising. I went to speak to my GP about it. It was a locum doctor who I didn't know and who didn't know me. I was so nervous going into the appointment.

The appointment actually went okay and I was put on some more birth control to see it this helped my symptoms. She didn't say I had it but didn't say I didn't. I was to try these pills and if the pain went away then bingo it was endometriosis. I'd taken them in the past so didn't need much info about them and went on my way. It didn't really take much of the pain away but stopped my periods which was nice. I didn't like the side effects and suffered bad migraines. I went back and saw another doctor who told me that I'd been given wrong medication that didn't treat endometriosis and to try Provera. I let my body get used to another new drug. This was okay, it helped a little and eased my symptoms. Bowel moments were still hell though and I was still cramping in between but it was not as painful and i was getting less baths. After a few weeks I started to get terrible sore legs and it was sore to walk. I thought it was to do with the new meds and was told I could take half the dose if I was experiencing unwanted side effects. I did just that but that made the cramps worse and my legs were still sore. I went back to see the GP. They must have been so sick of me. I was sick of going up there at least once a week.

I'd been back and forth so many times that I was eventually referred to the gyne team at my local hospital. They knew me from my last pregnancy and didn't think I had endometriosis. In fact the doctor i saw made it very clear that because I had a c section not that long ago they would have found any endometriosis at the time and because nothing was found it meant nothing was there. She also said that even if I had a laparoscopy and it came back positive for endometriosis, the treatment would be the same so to just go ahead and start that now. It's seemed a little conflicting but she put me on a course of amitriptyline. I didn't enjoy that and was so tired all the time and still suffered just as much pain. After increasing the doses as per instructed by the gyne doc I stopped taking them because I was turning into zombie and they weren't doing anything for my pain.

A previous MRI I had done on my bowels to check for bowel issues was pulled up and looked at for endometriosis, but she couldn't see any endometriosis on it. I still persisted that my pains were so bad I was unable to do normal daily tasks and it had got to the point hubby had to leave work to take care of me and the kids. She referred me to an endometriosis specialist which was good because I was getting somewhere.

My appointment came around for the specialist and for the first time I felt listened to and he said I probably did have endometriosis but surgery would be the only way to confirm. It was so nice to just have a proper, no shit conversation with him. I liked him. There were a few things to discus but one thing that was mentioned was that I'd be booked in for a laparoscopic procedure to see if I did in actual fact have endometriosis. This would be done 12 weeks from that appointment so it felt like things were moving fast which was great because i needed answers to find solutions. If I'm being honest I think I was offered the lap so fast because of all the complaining and trips to the GP. I was relentless because I was experiencing so much pain. I'd lost so much weight from not being able to eat and being sick and my mental health was not great as a result of everything. I'd spent 6 years thinking I had something wrong with my bowels when all along it was something that I didn't even I know about. I'd been labeled crazy and even questioned my own mind at times so I wanted to know answers so pushed for them. I was happy I was going to surgery but wasn't sure what was going to happen.

The date for my laparoscopy came around and I had my pre op just before and it couldn't come quick enough, the pain was mind blowing. It ate away all my happiness and positivity. I hated the world and everyone because they were okay and i lived in the bath going from one pain episode to the next, unable to have bowel movement because the pain was just excruciating.

Surgery day was here and away I went to be prepped. The procedure went well as far as I'm aware, although I'll know more when I have my medical notes from Scotland. They found endometriosis and to my knowledge excised some of it away and left some they couldn't get including some on one of my kidneys because it was too risky for them to remove it. I came around from surgery pretty groggy but eager to know if they found anything. The surgeon came round and spoke to me. I was pretty emotional that I finally knew a few things; I wasn't going crazy first and foremost, the pain wasn't in my head! And that I now had a name for what was wrong meaning I could find a treatment and it definitely wasn't a bowel disease causing all the pain. The conversation with the surgeon was hard and emotional. He basically said "I had to take each day as it comes" and basically stop making a fuss, I was discharged with some dihydrocodeine and instructions to see the specialist for a follow up appointment. I was told things should slowly go back to normal after surgery but after I healed the pain slowly came back, but worse. It was noted on my discharge letter that there was no cause for bowel pain which was very upsetting because that's really what led me to this point. That was one of the main problems. 36 hours was my longest continuous pain episode. I didn't eat or sleep during that time. I couldn't and it nearly broke me.

I continued to complain about the same issues and after my laparoscopy. The GP arranged a second colonoscopy where they would find the same things as they found in the sigmoidoscopy and first colonoscopy but this time a strange red patch that wasn't related back to any bowel problems/disorders but was noted down as a possible cause of pain. This is what I think is the deep infiltrating endometriosis that is stopping me from having any normal bowel movements and causing all the debilitating excruciating pain. The doctor doing the procedure also said my bowels were healthy apart from the red patch which she couldn't identify. Another blow because there wasn't anything to be found in my bowels to explain all the pain i suffered.

I also had several MRIs in between to see if there is endo in the bowels or pelvic area but they always come back negative oh and ive had a negative ultra sound. I'm not really surprised as it hard to pick endometriosis up on either. It can and has been done but really the gold standard way for diagnosing endometriosis is be a laparoscopic procedure. There are fellow sisters out there who have been lucky enough to be diagnosed that way. Chocolate cysts normally show on those types of scans.

Following my lap I also opted in for the coil although that was a big mistake and it didn't do anything but make me bleed constantly and be a angry hormonal mess. Whilst on the marina coil I also had monthly injection to give me the menopause. Another horrific experience to go through at 27 years old. Night sweats and hot flashes are the worst. All this in a desperate bid to tame my endometriosis symptoms although nothing ever really helped.

At the moment I'm waiting for another MRI from the new Dutch specialist due in a week and then hopefully i will be referred to the super surgeon after this comes back negative and there's nothing more this gyne can do. I need a doctor that specializes in endometriosis and that meant to cause no offense to the standard gynecologist that works in the local hospital. I need a doctor that is well trained especially with endo located in the bowel, bladder and kidney.

I am still trying to put my case forward for getting surgery again instead of hormonal suppression treatment which doesn't really work in my opinion especially In terms of my endo. If they can take away all the endo that's left and any that's grown since my first lap, I really believe I wouldn't need pain killers either so it's just a win win situation to me. The problem is no one really wants to just open the human body up because their patient thinks it's the best course of action. I'm unable to work and socialize, be intimate and live chained to the house going from pain flare to pain flare. I'm exhausted and have mood swings depending on my pain levels too. I still to this day am unable to have a bowel movement without being in some extreme pain and still have loads of mucus and undigested food and remain unable to put weight on.

If I follow a strict pain killers routine 3/4 times a day I can really minimize the flares and daily pain but that means I'm on high doses of strong meds throughout the whole day and it's hard to function sometimes. So I try and take it only when the pain crescendos up and doesn't go away after after a certain amount of time. That normally means I suffer more times than I need but I don't want to be dependent on the meds so I do really only try and take it when the pain is at it's worst. I now use a combination of the bath, hot water bottle and pain relief to try and help the pain and when I can't manage it at home I pay the ER a visit. I don't have enough fingers to count how many times that's happened over the last 4 years.

I never thought life would turn out like this. When I do get better there's a lot of things I need to deal with as well as just getting rid of the endo. My mind has changed, my body has changed and now bears horrible scars of deeply painful times, even things like my diet has had to change. I'm under weight, my bones hurt and hair is falling out. I don't and can't drink alcohol anymore because it effects my body so badly. Alcohol produces estrogen which is no good for endo. I'm definitely not the same person I was 5-7 years ago.

Endometriosis is all I ever think about, feel and experience. I feel pain that much that on the very rare days I wake up with no pain I spend it being so angry because Ive cancelled something previously and I could have gone in the end. The pain killers only mask the pain. They don't solve, fix or cure it and it never will. My disease is progressive and throwing painkillers at it will only ever work for so long.

So that's a little bit about me and my history with endometriosis. There's is still a long long way to go but if I stay strong then I can do this, I think. I'm going to try because that's all I can do. If I give up I can't be there for my kids and hubby and they mean so much to me. Endometriosis is a life long condition, I understand I may suffer pain throughout my life but not to this extent. I hope things can get better. This is the hardest thing I've ever gone through In my life and and it's not over yet.

Thanks for reading.

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