#ive seen it in more than one textbook

[literaryvein-reblogs]

4 Great Motives for Writing by George Orwell

George Orwell:

From a very early age, perhaps the age of five or six, I knew that when I grew up I should be a writer. Between the ages of about seventeen and twenty-four I tried to abandon this idea, but I did so with the consciousness that I was outraging my true nature and that sooner or later I should have to settle down and write books. Putting aside the need to earn a living, I think there are four great motives for writing, at any rate for writing prose. They exist in different degrees in every writer, and in any one writer the proportions will vary from time to time, according to the atmosphere in which he is living. They are:

(i) Sheer egoism. Desire to seem clever, to be talked about, to be remembered after death, to get your own back on grown-ups who snubbed you in childhood, etc., etc. It is humbug to pretend this is not a motive, and a strong one. Writers share this characteristic with scientists, artists, politicians, lawyers, soldiers, successful business men – in short, with the whole top crust of humanity. The great mass of human beings are not acutely selfish. After the age of about thirty they abandon individual ambition – in many cases, indeed, they almost abandon the sense of being individuals at all – and live chiefly for others, or are simply smothered under drudgery. But there is also the minority of gifted, willful people who are determined to live their own lives to the end, and writers belong in this class. Serious writers, I should say, are on the whole more vain and self-centered than journalists, though less interested in money.

(ii) Aesthetic enthusiasm. Perception of beauty in the external world, or, on the other hand, in words and their right arrangement. Pleasure in the impact of one sound on another, in the firmness of good prose or the rhythm of a good story. Desire to share an experience which one feels is valuable and ought not to be missed. The aesthetic motive is very feeble in a lot of writers, but even a pamphleteer or writer of textbooks will have pet words and phrases which appeal to him for non-utilitarian reasons; or he may feel strongly about typography, width of margins, etc. Above the level of a railway guide, no book is quite free from aesthetic considerations.

(iii) Historical impulse. Desire to see things as they are, to find out true facts and store them up for the use of posterity.

(iv) Political purpose – using the word ‘political’ in the widest possible sense. Desire to push the world in a certain direction, to alter other people’s idea of the kind of society that they should strive after. Once again, no book is genuinely free from political bias. The opinion that art should have nothing to do with politics is itself a political attitude.

It can be seen how these various impulses must war against one another, and how they must fluctuate from person to person and from time to time. By nature – taking your ‘nature’ to be the state you have attained when you are first adult – I am a person in whom the first three motives would outweigh the fourth. In a peaceful age I might have written ornate or merely descriptive books, and might have remained almost unaware of my political loyalties.

Looking back through the last page or two, I see that I have made it appear as though my motives in writing were wholly public-spirited. I don’t want to leave that as the final impression. All writers are vain, selfish, and lazy, and at the very bottom of their motives there lies a mystery. Writing a book is a horrible, exhausting struggle, like a long bout of some painful illness. One would never undertake such a thing if one were not driven on by some demon whom one can neither resist or understand. For all one knows that demon is simply the same instinct that makes a baby squall for attention. And yet it is also true that one can write nothing readable unless one constantly struggles to efface one’s own personality. Good prose is like a windowpane. I cannot say with certainty which of my motives are the strongest, but I know which of them deserve to be followed. And looking back through my work, I see that it is invariably where I lacked a political purpose that I wrote lifeless books and was betrayed into purple passages, sentences without meaning, decorative adjectives and humbug generally.

Published in Gangrel, No. 4, Summer 1946

More: George Orwell

[ao3-rex1223]

Twist Me series: part I, part III, part IV

Pairing: Professor!Leon x fem!reader

Warnings: Smut, Porn, Vaginal, Sex, Blow Jobs, Mildly Dubious Consent, Desk Sex, Creampie, Spanking, One Night Stands, Thigh Fucking

Summary: Sequel to "Twist My Words". You haven't stopped thinking about fucking Leon for a good grade at the end of last semester. One casual hook up with a frat boy ends up in some unintended consequences. When Professor Kennedy comes to the library where you work looking for a textbook. One thing leads to another...

A/N: I'm finally out of Tumblr Jail! I guess this blog got flagged as "spam" somehow? But to celebrate getting released, here's my newest Leon Kennedy fic!

“Fuck! I'm gonna cum!” the frat boy moans as he shoots his load inside you. You're not even sure you remember his name. It's something like Jason or Jeremy or…Jesse? Oh well; who cares? It's not like he even got you close to climaxing….not like with Professor Kennedy back at the end of last semester. God, that was the most incredible sex you've ever had! The memories of that day have been in your spank bank ever since. You had fucked him for a good grade but haven't really seen him since; you're not in his class or anything this semester so you don't really cross now.

The frat boy with the J-name releases your ankles from his shoulders and gets off you, wiping his cock dry with a towel he grabbed from his floor, one that likely has seen its fair share of jizz. He offers you the towel and you silently decline with a wave of your hand and a mildly scrunched face. You quickly dress, trying to suppress a look of disgust as you feel his cum oozing out of your cunt. You slip out of his room and go back downstairs to the party that's still going on, its guests seemingly unaware of but not likely to be surprised by the fact that you hooked up with one of the hosts. It's the Friday night before spring break so everyone is out partying. You grab another Soho cup and fill it with the concoction of punch and whatever alcohol with which it's been spiked then take a big swing, hoping to wipe the disappointing experience Mr J-name called ‘sex’.

Your heart skips a beat as you hear a few students talk about Mr Kennedy. It seems like they're all taking his class this semester. One of them calls your name. “Did you just hook up with James!?” A petite girl asks. She looks like she's too young to be drinking, yet still has a cup with the boozy punch in it. Her tone is accusatory, like she's jealous.

“James! That was his name!” You reply, more so to yourself than her. You keep walking, uncaring of her perturbed state. She doesn't know how lucky she is! She gets to see Mr Kennedy every day! Your mood progressively sours and you decide to leave the party early. You unlock the door to your dorm and dump your keys on the desk. You kick the door closed with your foot and mosey to your room.

As you lie on your bed, you replay your tryst with Professor Kennedy in your mind. Your hand travels along your body, touching and caressing. You knead and squeeze your breasts, remembering the feel of his dick inside you, thrusting hard and hitting your cervix like an aggressive salesman knocking on a door. You moan and kick your pants and panties off, hand trailing south towards your wet folds. You recall the feeling of him bending you over his desk and holding you down roughly as you start stroking your clit, the pads of your fingers doing their best to stimulate you like he could. You start to pant, the tension in your belly building steadily. Slick coats your fingers and leaks down your ass cheeks. You rub faster and faster, playing the sound of his voice in your mind again…

…“That's a good girl.” … “Choke on my cock like a - ah - good little slut. You want an A, sweetheart? Better - mf - suck this dick like your grade depends on it…

You inhale sharply and cum hard on your fingers. You lay there, boneless, for a moment before rising out of bed to clean yourself up. After you wash your hands, you climb back into bed and fall asleep.

Monday morning you stroll into the library to work the front desk; your student job since you've been going here. Since it's spring break, it's very dead on campus. There's maybe one or two graduate students scattered about the whole building. You lean your head on your knuckles while you sit completely bored, staring at your computer screen with the list of overdue books. It's your job to send out reminder emails to everyone who needs to return what they've rented. No one is going to read them today, you figure. Everyone is on vacation…except you. You decided to stay behind and make some easy money.

“Hey!” You hear a voice sharply rip you from your wandering thoughts. It was harsh, like the owner of that voice had already tried at least once to get your attention. You look up to see him on the other side of the circulation desk.

Your jaw briefly drops, followed by a quick recovery. You swallow hard and straighten up. “Professor Kennedy! What can I do for you?” you ask, a little too eagerly.

He smirks meanly. “I'm looking for the Litigator's Handbook of Forensic Medicine, Psychiatry, and Psychology. Volume 2,” he states, as if he's pissed off that it's not already in his hands.

You nod and quickly type the name into your computer to find where the text is. Shit. “I'm sorry, Professor…all our copies are out right now.”

The professor glares at you, like it's somehow your fault. You look into more detail on who has the books and realize one is due back today. “There should be one available later today,” you add, but know very well there's a high chance it just won't get returned. Still, you're willing to say anything to make him happy.

His glare neutralizes into an unreadable expression. Then, with just a hint of a smirk he replies, “great. Bring it to my office then.” He turns and walks out before you can protest and tell him the library doesn't deliver.

But an idea pops into your head and sends a jolt of arousal to your sex. Maybe he'll be grateful for that delivery…

After trying numerous times to contact the professor who has the book you need, you finally get a hold of her and retrieve the book. With a big, dumb grin on your face, you high tail it over to Professor Kennedy’s office. You knock eagerly on his door.

“Come in,” he calls from inside his office, his tone neutral. You open the door and see him behind his desk typing into his computer, his expression unreadable.

“Professor Kennedy, I brought you the textbook you were looking for,” you announce. His office isn't much different than when you were in it last time…naked and getting deliciously fucked by him. Your pussy throbs at the memories that come rushing back.

He gestures with his hand to come toward him without looking up from his computer. You walk to him, holding the textbook.

“Desk,” he commands, still engrossed in whatever he's working on. You set the book down and turn to leave, convinced you're not going to make any worthy progress with him. You let out a silent sigh and head for the door. “Did I say you could leave?” He asks. You spin around. He's finally looking at you.

You stare back at him, mouth agape. “Wh-what?” Your heart starts to race; your palms sweat.

He lets out a snort. “Desk,” he repeats with the slightest smirk. His eyes flicker to the surface of his desk, the very same one where you just dropped the book.

You don't realize you're holding your breath as you walk toward him. Before you can even hop up on his desk he grabs your hips tightly and pins you between his body and the edge of the desk.

“Open your fucking mouth,” he demands.

Your lips part only just slightly and his tongue is inside your mouth, attacking yours. Your rational thought is quickly slipping away as your fingers tangle into his hair. His hands slip underneath the hem of your shirt, rubbing your bare waist with his thumbs. The tingles shooting through your body could make you jump out of your own skin. You suck on his tongue, the memory of his dick in your mouth rushing back into your mind.

He slides his hands up further, pushing your shirt with it. He breaks the kiss only for a second to pull your shirt over your head and toss it to the side before roughly grabbing your breast through your lace bra and claiming your mouth again. You reach behind yourself and unclasp your bra. Before you can move your hands, he grips your wrists tightly and holds them behind your back. He kisses, licks, and even bites down onto your neck. “Did you think I wouldn't fucking find out?” he asks with a gruff whisper in your ear. He nips at your neck again.

“Wh-what?” You manage to gasp out. Your head falls to one side, giving him better access to your neck.

He laughs meanly. “I have eyes and ears all over this school, sweetheart.” He gently kisses your neck. “Don't think for a second that you could get away with fucking some dumb ass frat boy without me knowing.” He nips at your pulse, dragging his teeth across your neck. “Don't move,” he commands darkly and lets go of your hands long enough to remove his tie and use it to secure your wrists behind your back. He cups your face, kissing you hungrily again. One hand slides down and cups your breasts. You feel his erection straining in his pants and pressing against your hip. “I think I need to teach you another lesson, sweetheart.” He breaks the kiss and smirks wickedly.

He pushes you down to your knees and slowly unbuckles his belt then tosses it aside. He unzips his pants and frees his cock - God, it's bigger than you remember. He strokes it a few times and shoves it into your waiting mouth. Hands grip the sides of your face, pushing you further onto his shaft. He combs your hair with his fingers, holding it all back with one hand fisted tightly, forming a handle with which he can control your head. “That's my good little slut. Suck my fucking cock,” he growls as he fucks your face. “You love this don't you? Letting me fuck you again and you're not even in my class. Fuck. I've been waiting to fuck you again for months. Can't stop thinking about your sweet mouth and your tight pussy,” he coos and gently runs a finger down the side of your face. You fight to hold back the tears pooling in your eyes as you resist gagging on the fat dick in your mouth.

But he's right. You do love it, you crave it, you need it. You suck him greedily, ecstatic to even have the chance to gag on his dick. Precum coats the back of your throat and you moan loudly. Your pussy is throbbing, aching to be touched but with your hands tied behind your back, you can't touch it. His grip on your hair tightens and it makes you wetter. You can tell he's close, but before he can cum, he pulls your face away. He pants, looking like he wants to say something but is at a loss for words. He growls and pulls you up, spins you around and shoves you over his desk. You feel your pants and panties being yanked off of you together. His chest presses against your back, holding you in place against his desk, still covered with papers. You glance to the side and see the textbook you brought; your ticket back to Professor Kennedy and his magnificent cock. He slides his cock between your thighs, gliding under your cunt. He's teasing you. His shaft is coated in your slick, so much so it's about to start dripping down his balls.

“You're so fucking wet, sweetheart. Gonna cum all over my cock before I've even fucked you?” He runs his hands all over your naked body, reminding himself of what he believes belongs to him.

“Please! Please! Please! Fuck me, Professor! Please! Fuck! I can't take it!” You beg, a few tears leaking from your eyes. You feel like you'll spontaneously combust if you don't feel his cock fill you up soon.

A loud smack fills the air followed by a stinging on your ass cheek. More slick gushes from your dripping wet sex. “Ah, ah, ah, sweetheart. You don't call the shots. I do. And you still need to learn your lesson. So, for now, I'm gonna fuck your cute little thighs…nice and slow.”

It's torture as you feel his length slide back and forth between your thighs, ghosting your clit and sending jolts of pleasure through you but not nearly enough to cum. Your moans fade into whimpers and crescendo back into moans.

He plays with you for a while, never increasing his pace. You're crying, you're so desperate for release. “Tell me, sweetheart, was it worth it? Fucking that worthless frat boy?” He slaps your ass again. “Did he make you cum?”

You bite your lip. “...no…”

He laughs, as if he already knew the answer but it made it that much sweeter to hear it from your own lips. His hand rubs up your back and slides around your throat, squeezing gently and turning you on even more. “Did you let him cum inside you?” He asks, his voice dark and devoid of any humor. You know he's not going to like your answer.

“...yes…” you confess; you're certainly in no position to lie to him. Another smack hits your ass cheek along with that delicious sting. You don't need to see his face to know he's pissed. He rubs the spot tenderly then slaps it once more.

“Learn your lesson yet, sweetheart?” He asks, delivering another slap. His hips continue to move his dick between your thighs at a snail's pace.

You cry out for release. “What!? What is it!? What am I supposed to learn!?”

Leon stops moving and positions the head of his cock at your entrance, locked and ready to fill you with one thrust. He grips your waist with both hands, tightly, to keep you from pushing your hips back and impaling yourself on his cock before he decides to give it to you. He leans in slowly and gently whispers in your ear, “that you're fucking mine.” With that, he slams his cock inside you, fucking you ruthlessly. Your eyes roll back into your head. Finally, the addicting sensation of being filled by him is yours to savor once again. His fat, long dick hits your cervix over and over, rubbing your g-spot perfectly. It doesn't take you long to cum, screaming his name, panting, and gasping as you catch your breath. He doesn't slow his pace; instead he maintains, fucking you hard and fast as your walls contract and relax around him. He draws out your orgasm, reaching around to squeeze your throat again with one hand and rubbing your clit with the other. Where you were just parched for pleasure, you're now overstimulated, between his hard and fast thrusts and his rough circles on your clit, you're about to combust yet again. He leans forward once more, biting and sucking on your neck, leaving deliberate marks. “In case any other fucking frat boys get any ideas about touching you,” he growls. You cum again, the pain and pleasure enough to send you over the edge a second time. You're covered in sweat and your body is sliding easily on his desk.

Leon slams his hips forward hard, sheathing himself balls deep inside you as he cums, his dick exploding with jizz all over the entrance to your womb. He holds you on the desk with his hands as the last globs of cum shoot out from his tip. Then, he leans down and tenderly kisses your neck. He helps you up from the desk, releases your hands from his tie, and even helps you dress.

“You know, if it's any consolation, I don't even remember that frat boy's name,” you admit.

“James C. Harold,” Leon rattles off without hesitation.

Your eyes widen. “How did you…?”

He leans in closer, looming over you. His smirk is nearly audible. “I had him expelled.” He hooks his finger into the waistband of your jeans and pulls you to him. “You. Are. Mine.” He growls then kisses you possessively. “Is that clear?”

[moondal514]

I loved reading your twins fics! Do you have any Aaron fic recs? Andrew ones welcome too but Ive seen more of them so Aaron is who I’m really looking for hahaha

Do I have Aaron fic recs??? BOY do I have Aaron fic recs:

blood everywhere by timeloops/ @billdenbrough

Tap. Tap. Tap.

“I’m going to throw this at you,” Aaron threatens, brandishing his textbook at Neil and his offending fingers.

Neil just scoffs. “I’m faster than you,” he says dismissively.

It’s funny, the things that can spark a memory. Neil says I’m faster than you, and it’s true, except for the time it isn’t. Neil says I’m faster than you, and Aaron is leaping forward, swinging. Blood everywhere.

-

There is no risk-free way to crash a car, and other things Aaron Minyard knows.

—it's a casual saturday afternoon, neil has a hypothesis, and the monsters have a bet to settle / aaron, on trauma, mirrors and memories

I’ve called this fic before a bunch of character and relationship analyses stacked in a trench-coat disguised as a fic, but this fic truly is some of the most insightful Aaron character analysis I’ve ever read and it was a major influence on my own Aaron fic

Dialing Numbers Till I Get It Wrong by sambutwithbooks

Aaron knows in his bones that Neil wouldn't have his number in any other circumstance. Their current forms of communication involve pointed silence, cursing, and exy terminology only- if they ever willingly started up a textual conversation the world might literally fold in on itself.

This is why, when his phone buzzes with a text from Neil on Thursday afternoon, Aaron's first response is annoyance at Neil for breaking the status quo. They’ve got a vibe going and this is harshing it, thanks.

--------

Aaron gets a confusing text from Neil one afternoon and proceeds to have a crisis about it.

This is one of the funniest fics I’ve read in the fandom and it’s a great look at Aaron and Neil’s relationship

in my life i have seen people walk into the sea, just to find memories plagued by constant misery by errantgods

Aaron hates this; he’s supposed to be the one with the shitty fucking coping mechanisms. This particular shortcoming isn’t supposed to be another thing that points towards the constant neon sign "Twins" between them.

It’s almost a miracle that they met at all. There are a million scenarios where Andrew and Aaron didn’t make it even this far. And the idea that Andrew maybe doesn’t, even in some small way, want to be alive, is almost too much.

One of my favorite versions of a post-canon twinyard reconciliation I’ve read in the fandom

eight seconds left in overtime by ilgaksu/ @ilgaksu

Katelyn tells him that her friends bet her a six-pack that she wouldn't talk to him. She’s there in her cheerleader skirt and he says, “Well, now you have.”

He tells himself he doesn’t notice how the skirt cuts across her thighs. The feeling in his chest, he tells himself, is not disappointment

“Yeah,” she says, and bites her lip.

The fic that turned me into an Aaron Minyard fan

It’s in the Jeans by Paradoxolotl/ @paradoxolotl

As a man of science, Aaron knows exactly how to solve his current problem. Crisis. Ground shaking, sky shattering, panic inducing crisis.

But it’s fine, he’s fine, everything is fine.

He just needs Neil to kiss him. For science.

Another one of the funniest fics I’ve read in the fandom

genesis' wane by kairospy/ @kairospy

“Why were you in the car with mom, Andrew?”

“You know why,” he answered. But that was simply not good enough.

:*:*:

Or, the twinyards’ backstory and most pivotal moments of their relationship but using fancy words

This fic is like the twinyard Bible to me; I can’t emphasize enough what an impact and influence it has had over how I interpret Aaron and Andrew’s pre-canon relationship

-

I hope you enjoy these fics! And thank you for the compliment to my own twinyard fics <3

[thelikesoffinn]

hiiiii so have you heard about astarion actually having DID? (dissociative identity disorder in case you don't kno) ive seen that a few times on tiktok now and i thought i finna ask you about it because that shiz is wiiild to me. like girl wtf.

TW: Dissociative Identity Disorder He's got...what. Just what.

What in the world is TikTok cooking up now? Like, what in the world? I myself don't use TikTok, so I've never heard this before but damn. Damn.

Flower, I'm not gonna lie, this confuses me more than the 'his crying is a sign that not ascending is the bad choice'. Because this? This is wild, you're so right. This is more than wild, this is the wildest shit.

DID is such a highly specific disorder, why would anyone get the idea Astarion could have that? (Once again, I'm not standing in the way of anyones headcanons, play around as you like, but heavens, no. I don't see that at all.)

Over the entire game, I haven't seen a singular sign that could point towards DID. And yes, sure, one could say 'well Alters are meant to protect the system to the shift is not obvious so Astarion's alter called Astorian could just be hiding it really well' which...yeah, okay, that's true I'll hand them that but there's other signs apart from the shifting alters that Astarion simply doesn't display.

He might have some common comorbidities, but if we go just by that he could have pretty much any other disorder known to man because so so many of them come with the same comorbidities. That is why diagnosing people accurately is so difficult.

Also - DID is developed in early childhood. Mostly in children before the age of nine who experienced extreme trauma. And yes, while Astarion WAS abused and his abuse would definitely be enough for that, he wasn't a child. I mean, come on, he was 36. And yes, that is young for elves but it's still a blown arse adult. It just doesn't make sense.

And, can I just step away from my social worker self and into my writer self for a hot second? I usually try not to, but it's necessary here.

Astarion's trauma and the resulting behavioural patterns exist to add complexity and depth to his character. They are devices used so that he isn't just the campy cunty vampire. We are supposed to see his layers, to see that he is more than just the rude pretty boy. We are supposed to make connections between his behaviour and how Cazador treated him, which is why his behaviour is as obvious and textbook as it is. It's a glaring neon sign made for us so that we understand the character and endear him to us.

That is why they are there.

Anything used in a story is there for a reason. Everything is used to drive the story forward and carry it into the authors chosen direction. It would make absolutely zero sense to give Astarion a disorder as rare, as misunderstood and as interesting as DID and not mention it. That would be so. much. wasted story telling potential.

It just doesn't make sense, absolutely not.

And I'm not saying DID wouldn't make for an interesting story - quite the opposite. I think the community could thrive on some destigmatisation because all the DID characters I've ever seen were crazily homicidal maniacs and it'd be nice to see a character that is displaying DID in the proper way, but Astarion simply isn't it.

He really really isn't.

TikTok is throwing around wild theories every day it seems, I'm really truly baffled!

[shiikiyun]

ive never seen people talk about the potential of the futa/mu dynamic (outside of milgram, normal au if u will) even though there's a fair amount of fanart of them? it makes me a little sad cause theyre very dear to me

Mostly think of it like. Something that stands out to me from Futa in t1 is how he seemed to eb trying very hard to take care of the younger ones (explicitly so with haruka, scolding amane for not eating her food) and from what we know he's the only younger brother in his family. Both this things (and the fact that hes so easily amazed by anything cool yuno does w tricks she shows her little brother as some sort of. parallel that he probably was like that w his sister too sjfkfn) always made me believe he just really wanted to be an older brother and it just never happened... cue Mu, only child, incredibly spoiled but with no real familial connection beyond (what we assume was) an bond based on material things with her parents

In general, theyre just a funny duo, she annoys the hell out of him and hes reactionary, textbook of generic sibling bond in like any media. But theyre both caring, and although both have heir flaws, Futa's (canonically described as) kindhearted nature despite his embarrassment on being anything emotional would probably help Mu understand that bonds arent a transaction, and people (herself included) dont become worthless or disposable if they cant meet that transaction (seriously stress on herself included). As well as helping with guidance, which sure futa is not the best example in a lot of things, but hey, its more genuine than what it seems to be the case w mu's parents

Idk its 4 am and theyre in my brain just wanted to ramble a bit lol

[mxrtified777]

okay, i completely switched gears to somewhat coherent ideas, thoughts, and rambling instead of an essay. this doesn't really have anything new or groundbreaking, its more or less just me thinking out loud about nevin; so here, take what ive written in the last 2 hours

☆ I don’t believe that Nevin has the textbook-definition of a victim complex; he’s obviously going to be more complex than the first google result of a Victim Complex/Mentality, but he absolutely shares behaviors and tendencies with said textbook-definitions. He has been shown to deflect blame (“I’m sorry you feel…” / “I-I… It wasn’t a fight, I didn’t hit him, he…”), as well as (seemingly) having a tendency to catastrophize (“...No… but Nevin tends to assume the worst,...”). A key difference between him and a typical victim mentality is his optimism. He believes that things can and will get better and that he has control over elements in his own life. (“I wouldn’t say it’s too late.” / “The only way to go is forward. As someone who has lived in four different states, things aren’t going to stay the same forever.”) He’s hyper-vigilant about possible threats due to negative past experiences, particularly about people (loud coughing Edward). This is shown through Nevin complaining about Drew’s choice of friends, both being people that Nevin actively dislikes and doesn’t trust. (“Is that fucking Quinton?” … “Where the hell are you going with him? / “I said, I'll tell you later,” … “I can’t talk about this right now.” / “Have you been hanging around him behind my back?”)

☆ Nevin doesn’t actively use his trauma to elicit sympathy from others. The thing that separates Nevin from a victim complex the most is intention. He isn’t like “boohoo im so traumatized no one likes me let me do what i want im so damaged”. When he’s talking about his personal hardships and emotions (a rare occurrence) he’s not doing it to manipulate others into feeling sorry for him, he’s literally just sharing how he feels. So his feelings of being a victim are internal for the most part, but. I mean. Yeah, he was the victim

☆ Chris’s tendency to be blamed for things paired with Nevin’s tendency to deflect blame is. It's not going to be fun. Because yes, Chris is a pushover, but he didn’t hesitate to call out Nevin for being unreasonable in their bathroom screaming match. What I'm wondering is how/if this will alter as their relationship develops; will Chris become more tolerant of Nevin’s unjust behavior? Will Chris call him out for outbursts like this in the future, and will Nevin take offense to it?

☆ This is why you do your research, kids. So you don’t prepare for 5 hours for an essay and then you realize your topic makes no sense and can’t actually be proven

☆ Nevin lashing out when offered help by Drew (“What do you think you’re doing?... / “I’m healing you. What do you think?” / “You shouldn’t have. I did this to myself.”) is also considered to be a common behavior for people with a victim mentality. This scene also makes me wonder about how Nevin reacts to being helped/assisted, and a step further than that, being coddled/babied. He’s been the caregiver all his life. He’s been the protector; suddenly, having the tables being flipped on him where he’s the one being cared for is gonna be fun to watch. Like don’t get me wrong, Grandma Jovel is an awesome parent, nothing but unconditional love for her, but it’s obviously gonna be different coming from say Drew or Chris, and it’s also gonna be different between those two as well. We’ve already seen Drew be kind of that way with Nevin, at the end of their argument (“You’re not alone, Nevin. You have me,” … “Even so… I do need to be a part of this because I love you, and I don’t want you to feel alone.” / “Drew, stop that…” … “You’re going to make me cry, too.”)

thanks for coming to what i spent a collective 6 hours on today, im gonna return to being Silly with my boys now

[clownsalot]

yea ok i know im not the only one voicing concerns over amane getting forgiven this trial but. i am actually so worried for what'll happen if she is so im going to talk about it anyway

longish post?? i think?? so uh. read more

- on the one hand, the one everyone talks about: shidou's physical safety. this one's obvious

you can argue that amane is 12 and shidou is a grown ass man more than twice her age but also;;;; a lot of theories ive seen of amane also include her victim being an adult. 12 years old or not, there's a lot you can do with a weapon when you catch someone off guard, and shidou isn't exactly fit to fight someone off, even a 12 year old on adrenaline. also given how he's working himself to the bone keeping mahiru alive and taking care of fuuta he's probably not going to be all that alert to his surroundings either. though with kazui once again innocent leaning, hopefully this concern can be set aside for a while.

- on the other hand, what worries me more (ie making me shit my fucking pants in fear) is that there's another real threat amane poses that can't be solved by kazui being forgiven: amane is trying to convert fuuta.

(from fuuta's 2023 birthday timeline on the wiki)

shidou's safety can be accounted for, but whay about fuuta? fuuta, whose mental health is going to shit and at an all time low; fuuta, desperate for anything that'll give him a sense of safety and security? right now fuuta is a textbook example of someone vulnerable to cult indoctrination, which amane will happily provide. there was also @vampuppyy 's post (that i agree with and also makes other good points) that mentioned this could be compounded if amane is forgiven as well. hell, fuuta's second trial voice drama is even named BAPTISM OF FIRE.

if amane is forgiven this trial, someone is definitely getting hurt.

- the threat amane poses aside however, i do have my own reasons for voting her guilty this round beyond her potential to hurt someone. and it's that i don't think forgiving her is actually going to do her much good??

(amane's second trial voiceline, also from the wiki)

she says she'll forgive us for trial 1 and to think about our verdict again carefully with the implication that she expects to be forgiven this round. i think forgiving her this round will do nothing but just tell her 'we were wrong to not forgive you the first time, your cult beliefs are right actually. thank you for your generosity, please take this as an apology for our mistake' which does nothing but reinforce her belief that she's righteous in her cult mentality, especially if we're right about her murder being partially motivated by her believing her victim also broke one of the cult's tenets. she's going to turn out like muu singing about how 'it's not my fault' won't she?

i get why people are forgiving her this round and im not saying it's wrong (honestly good for amane for killing her abuser!! you go girl slay), but imo it's not the best decision to make right now given the circumstances. of course milgram's strict innocent/guilty system doesn't allow for any kind of nuance, and i do realize a guilty won't be good for her either, but i think doubling down on the guilty and not forgiving her this round might be the better decision in the long run. if we still want to forgive her, we always have trial 3 to do it anyway

(honestly i think if we wanted to forgive her it should've been in trial 1—but there's nothing we can do about that anymore, all we can do now is play damage reduction trying to fix what went wrong after the trial 1 results)

so uh. yeah that's all the reasons im guilty voting amane this trial 👍 i hope this was coherent

[stilettomafiosas]

If you don't mind my asking; how did you develop your art style? I've been trying to work on developing my own style but I don't know where to even start. Your style seems so well developed, and I utterly adore it.

;w; its so kind of you to say so!! thank you!! I wish I could offer some insightful or exciting advice haha but I do have a short and a long answer!

the short answer: its the boring yet tried and true tip youll hear from everyone 😭😭 it all comes from a lot of practice over a lot of time!!

i kind of hate hearing that too because it seems dismissive BUT the practice isnt just drawing as much as possible, its also looking at art from other people, paying attention to the colors n shapes n composition around you, and at times just Thinking...

the long answer: style is ... hard to pinpoint! and in some ways, aiming to have your own very distinct style (and that being your main goal) can be restricting. focusing on that can keep you in a box of what's recognizable as Yours and hesitant to experiment or make changes. Ive seen some people who get hung up on making themselves a Brand draw no differently today than they did 10 years ago because they admit making changes or venturing into new subjects/styles "flop".... (and if your livelihood comes from selling art or merchandise and you rely on engagement to pay your bills thats another thing but as a hobby artist myself im talking more about a goal of just getting better at your craft in a way that makes you, personally, happy and satisfied and proud of it vs making what an audience wants to see and feeling rejected in pursuing other creative endeavors)

a lot of style development just progresses naturally over time as you absorb more art around you and train your mind to distinctly pick out what you like about other artwork and why. :] its all about the influence and how you incorporate that into your own work! so many of my artistic choices come from other artists, and the more you draw and the more you study other art, it becomes something thats a unique blend of You, even if not necessarily something immediately and strikingly unique that anyone could recognize as yours, its You cuz of the choices made in it and all the influences you enjoyed enough to pick up.

for me, it was pretty much doing studies + compiling an "inspiration/reference" folder (for doing studies) :3 ive been doing that since I was in elementary school and just drawing on loose leaf college ruled paper... I started out copying drawings in the funny papers we got on sundays, going to the library to get those "history of disney" kinda books that show a lot of cels or concept art, googling looney tunes screenshots to copy... it was So much copy, copy, copy. in my teen years it was shonen jump, i'd trace panels from naruto and one piece and shaman king, i'd freehand it, i'd redraw pages in my own way... and more recently ive kept it up with other interests (opening a catalog of model cars and filling sketchbook pages with car drawings... taking photos of cool scenery or bugs i see and blocking out the composition to figure out Why it looks appealing... going through an invertebrate zoology textbook and drawing creatures to understand their shapes/distinguishing features so i can anthropomorphize them in fun ways)

it might seem contradictory that spending a lot of time copying stuff leads to something thats your own but it does!! so much of art really does come from that internal library you build up, and building it up happens thru all that observation and exercising your hand to match up movements with the images in your head, and gaining experience + refining memory of how certain things are built or shaped or constructed. thats probably the number one tip i'd give to anyone who wants art advice... get a little sketchbook thats JUST for your eyes, and fill it totally up with stuff you copy. youll learn SO much and feel really refreshed for your own original works!

and if you feel discouraged, keep in mind that things tend to look better from an outside perspective! you see my art as having a developed style, and i very much appreciate that comment cuz to me, it's jumbled haha. i can draw the same character in very different ways in the same day... even the way i draw hands varies depending on what set of ocs I'm playing with. each of my stories presents some different artistic choices, and draws from a few different inspirations, so even if all the characters and the ways i draw them are recognizable as my art, they would still look a bit strange if they were all together because I have multiple "styles" ehehe

so in short, rock on with making art thats enjoyable for you and dont let an idealistic goal of a distinct style hinder you from having fun with the process & being proud of what you make. cuz honestly if you hold out waiting for the moment of realization that youve developed a style, you might never have that moment! not for lack of having anything distinct about your art, but just because its natural to be more critical and lost in the details of your own work than an audience would be. you likely already have aspects in your art that are recognizable as yours! consistency is good in some regards (like animation or comics) but dont be hesitant about trying things that are new or drastically different from your usual!

[geodetojoy]

ALRIGHTY i am no longer busy so heres my full thoughts on Newsies :DDD

tagging @royallygray and @mysteriouswolf if yall wanna read :D

ok this shit got LONG so the rest is under the cut

GOD where do I even start its beautiful its wonderful its emotional i love it so much

Ill try not to copy my intermission thoughts too much (if you havent seen those here they are)

Ok lets talk about the history of it. A quick google search says its based on a strike in 1899, and Roosevelt ran for presidency in 1901, so we'll just say the musical takes place in 1899 too (correct me if theres a different confirmed time).

During this time, work conditions are absolute shit, monopolies and trusts are on the rise, and the concept of a union has recently emerged. I really didnt need to say much of this bc its apparent in the musical, but i love historically accurate stuff so deal with it /lh

And in the musical we see the beginnings of Roosevelt's trust-busting and ideas of social equality that he acts on during his presidency (it also kinda ties into his environmentalism stuff a bit too!)

And after reading up a bit on the strike the musical was based on, a lot of the effects of the strike in the musical were historically accurate too! the newsboys could sell back papers they werent able to sell on the streets, but the price was unfortunately not yet lowered. (also, the names of the publishers in the show are historically accurate as well!!! makes my little history brain happy :DDD )

SO whats the point of all of my rambling here?

people make historical art all of the time. we see it in musicals like Annie, Hamilton, and so so many more. obviously this goes beyond musicals here, but since newsies is a musical ill try to stay with that topic.

anyway, we learn about history to learn from it. we see these past issues that our previous generations struggled with, in these art forms as to be easily digestible, and we discover their solutions. we get to see the humanity behind the issues and the conflicts they faced to overcome them. and ofc its not the only reason, but one reason these stories are told with art is to bring attention to them. people are way more likely to listen to music than study a historical textbook. so, they make it entertaining. they make relatable and lovable characters. they make people care about the show and subsequently the issue itself. all of this is to explain how and why things that happened in history are bad as to never repeat them again.

We see these topics of worker mistreatment, corrupt businesses, child labor, gender/sex inequality, and the class separation all brought to the spotlight in this show, and it does a damn good job of showing the pain and suffering they cause. the story of this show is incredible and so very important to learn about.

OK now onto the actual musical itself im done nerding out

ive done a lot of charater analysis already in that intermission post bUT WHO SAYS I CANT DO MORE HAHA

im saving jack for last bc theres so much to unpack there

KATHERINE MY LOVE <3333

Everything about her being a girlboss absolutely remains the same shes INCREDIBLE

and holy shit PULITZER'S HER DAD???? i love her even more. she directly ran away from an easy life to follow her own dreams and pursue her own passion from scratch. incredible. inspiring. mwah

i also just love her personality. shes so bubbly and happy and passionate and bright and optomistic shes the best <3

oh god crutchie. hes absolutely my favorite btw im sorry everyone else i adore him <33333

GOD his prison song actually killed me. im fully dead. deceased.

THE NEWSIES ARE SUCH A FAMILY GAHHH THEY LOVE EACH OTHER SO MUCH RAHHHH

the sheer ecstasy i felt when he came back and hit Snyder with his cane i could not stop stimming MY BOYYYY

the absolute definition of sunshine character. he sees everything as glass half full and wants just the brightest future he deserves the absolute world

and ik i talked about it earlier but i adore how they take such a neutral opinion about his leg. people give him shit for it, and his brother beat them to a pulp. its just a part of him and they love his whole being, so why would they not love that about him too?

Les only got better as the show went on. i thought he was a smartass before LMAOO

AND THE DATE BIT??? WHERE THE HELL DID THAT COME FROM???? AND IT JUST NEVER GETS BROUGHT UP AGAIN LMAO WHAT

i think the biggest change i felt towards a character was Davey

he grew on me soooooo much his character growth is everything to me

he went from trying to stay out of their business to teaching them what a union was to helping them start it to running it himself when jack ran off to convincing jack to come back when times got tough he is sooo important to the story

and to me. hes important to me <3

OH AND RACE

i saw people mention the name before but i didnt know which he was until they addressed him directly I LOVE THAT GUYYY

especially in king of new york hes got such a big personality what a silly guy

OK now for the guy the silly the mc jack

At the beginning he is entirely driven by both his love for his family and ofc his dream of living in Santa Fe, but atm hes just trying to get by so hes more focused on the newsies. but a boy can dream

then he gets all caught up in the strike business and only focuses on that for a while bc he wants to protect his boys

then shit goes south. they get essentially jumped, and crutchie gets hurt and arrested.

and he thinks, what was it all for? if he couldnt protect his brother (never living that down btw), whats the point of even trying to strike anymore

so he changes his focus back to santa fe. the one thing hes still got going for him.

and he gets confronted by katherine, les, and davey, and they knock some sense into him. stopping the strike isnt going to take away any of the harm done. the danger is expected, theres no way any of this could go down without some form of a casualty. so why not try to do something about it. the only way to make this situation better is to get back in the game and keep pushing for change.

and ofc the thing with katherine which ill talk abt a bit more later

in all of this, something in him changes. he dreamed of santa fe, a simpler life, one where he didnt have to worry about having to afford food and clothing for the next day.

but what he never considered was the loneliness. sure, he offered to bring crutchie and katherine with him, but hed be leaving behind so many more. and thats when he realized he never needed to get out, he just needed things to change a bit. and they did! because of the strike, living became so much more affordable. no it wasnt perfect, but it was enough to be safe and secure, just like he wanted. and he had his family beside him the whole time.

ill admit that before i sat and thought about it for a while, this ending was really unsatisfactory to me. i mean we got how many santa fe reprises? all for naught?

but in reality, santa fe would never be enough for him. hes just so used to this life surrounded by the people he cares most about and doing everything in his power to protect him, hed just be so bored, so understimulated, and hed just continue to yearn for more. that path of wanting would never come to a conclusion and hed live his life never truly being happy. so i really do thing he made the right choice in staying, because new york became his santa fe. he didnt need to seek it out, it came to him.

Ok now with him and katherine

ill start by saying i do really adore them. i feel like a lot of what im about to say might seem like i think otherwise, but i truly do think theyre very sweet

ok so every interaction of theirs in act one was. very uncomfortable to say the least. he honestly seemed really predatory at times and it just really felt like an old-timey romance where the girl doesnt know her worth so she flocks to any guy that shows interest in hr bc she thinks its her only purpose

now obviously that is NOT the truth, those were just my first impressions. Katherine is extremely capable of taking care of herself and deciding what is and isnt right for her, she likes jack purely because she can and does. she knows her worth and just likes him bc she likes him, no strings attached

i will say the first kiss kinda caught me off guard lmao. like i knew they were gonna be a thing but that is NOT how i expected that to go down. its likely just bc of my aroace-ness but i saw no sign of them actually getting together prior to that, aside from them being the main man and leading lady in the show so ofc they have to be together. i mean ig her reaction to him drawing her was a bit of a hint but still. ok maybe its just bc im demi. hadnt thought abt that until now. damn. is this a normal thing? maybe it is. maybe im being too harsh. idk lmao

anyway ill admit the kiss was successful in getting his attention and getting him to listen to her so ill give it that lmaoo but tbh i did tune a bit of their song out bc it started to make me a bit uncomfy but i did liste back to it later on. they really seem to have a healthy relationship where they both care about the other and know the other is strong enough on their own, they just both want to be a part of the other's life. its really sweet! theyre so supportive of each other!!! green flags all around!!!

the bit with him learning shes pulitzers daughter was really interesting to me. at first she tries to talk to him but he kinda brushes her off, but from then on he just kinda has full faith in her? i mean yeah he gets upset about it bc he thinks she lied to him, but i dont think he thought she had any ill intentions. that was a complicated sentence lmaoo damn. i think he really understood that she wanted to help, he was just caught up in a lot of Feelings and was afraid that she wasnt trustworthy despite him still trusting her. and then he let her explain and from then on they fully support the other and trust each other immensely

so yeah first impressions were a bit iffy but i think theyre very sweet <333

OK GOD CAN I GUSH ABOUT THE STAGE DESIGN FOR A BIT???? GAHHH

i mean the moving stairs and scaffolding arent new. i know this. but just the way they frame scenes with the scaffolding is stunning. the chase scenes??? dude. enthralling. the bits where theyre in the city and they have people just up their acting like civilians? SO cool. makes it incredibly more realistic and believable. and the way they projected images onto the curtain-like things they pulled down was extremely creative!!! like in theory its such a simple design. it was literally nothing more than the scaffolding and stairs, and a few tables and wagons and such in certain areas. but they did SO much with it it was hard to believe it took place on a stage. ofc the filming helps with that but still. the start felt like it was on the roof of the building bc of a combination of the lighting and the use of just one of the scaffolding pieces. and when theyre in buildings, the wall of scaffolding works really well as a backdrop!!! and i already talked about the city street scenes, it fits perfectly. god its so inspiring id love to be behind something like that one day

OK AND THE CHOREO??? the sheer ENDURANCE of these people HOLY I COULD NEVER. THE FLEXIBILITY? THEYRE ALL LITERAL GYMNASTS WTF ARE THESE FLIPS AND HANDSTANDS IM SORRY???? holy shit its all SOSOSO impressive

oh my god i havent even talked about the MUSIC yet

if i had to choose a favorite song, a, i would punch whoever told me that in the face, and b, i would simply combust bc i cant choose just one

my top three tho would have to be between king of new york, carrying the banner, and crutchies prison song (idk the name its not on spotify :'((((( ) in no particular order

i havent had them on repeat enough to have any memorized, but i did remember santa fe, carrying the banner, and the world will know from the last time i watched it and i belted along to all the parts i knew this music is so good at hyping me up I WANNA START A UNION

and oh my god katherines voice???? stunning. her song is sooooo good. her part in king of new york is incredible. i love her <3

jesus christ this post got out of control. im still not done lmaooo

ok one thing that really has nothing to do with the musical itself is just the fact that it reminded me of so many other musicals ive seen at specific parts, even some of the songs sound like others i know.

Santa Fe really reminds me of Maybe from Annie, both music-wise and lyric wise. i mean theyre both "i want" songs so it makes sense but i feel like they sound kinda similar too. honestly a lot of the music sounds like Annie, but maybe its just the types of instruments used and thats just how musicals sounded when they were made. i think they were made about the same time. *checks spotify* ok well the newsies i listen to was produced like 40 years after Annie so maybe that just a stylistic choice-

idk why but the beginning of watch what happens sounds like the intro to reginas speaking part in meet the plastics lmao-

oh and brooklyn's here has the same beat as the military from Seussical but thats just bc its a marching song lmao. its also the same beat as the spanish alphabet song my spanish teacher used to use!

ok and this one really doesnt make sense but something to believe in reminds me of the power in me from Twisted lmao- kinda similar message ig? and sound vaguely similar? but idk it really doesnt make too much sense

i should. i should sum it up. this is getting out of hand.

okay i love this musical sm. clearly. do you see how long this post is. i was missing out when i refused to listen to it previously. oh my god.

and for some reason it really makes me wanna go watch my favorite musical so im ending this here TO YOUTUBE I GOOOOO TY FOR READING IF YOU DID AND TY TO ROYAL FOR UNINTENTIONALLY PUSHING ME TO WATCH THIS HAVE A GREAT DAYYYY

[wodenscild]

Gods language exchange is so so sooo much fun & actually so useful for picking up a language! I have recently gotten back into Indonesian & been talking to people from Indonesia, & I have learnt so much & honestly more useful vocab than that found in my textbooks!

Like pria & wanita for laki-laki & perempuan (male & female), & jika (meaning if, or provided that, & is used over kalau when talking about a hypothetical situation from what ive seen). You learn fun interjections like semangat (enthusiasm, spirit: used as a term of encouragement) or astaga (oh my god!). & you learn sweet phrases like “Hati-hati di jalan” (Travel safely!) & “Selalu jaga kesehatanmu” (Always look after your health - this one was said to me after I said how much I work wkwkwkwk). & oh! You learn some interesting constructions! Like for example, to say something looks like something else you use a literal translation of “It’s appearance is like…” - “Kelihatannya seperti…” which is just so interesting!! Then I can extend this to other comparisons! Like using my knowledge of clitics I can say “You look like…” - “Kelihatanmu seperti…”, or I can say “It smells like…” - “Kebuaannya seperti…” or “It tastes like…” - “Rasanya seperti”.

& this is all without saying how language exchange is also to some extent a cultural exchange! In the past week of my exchanges, I have learnt about Indonesian weddings (which sounds super fun & I want to be at one some day!!) or about the five salat! Subuh, Lohor, Asar, Mahgrib, dan Isya (which also explains why a lot of my partners are up so early in the morning XD I couldn’t do Subuh for the life of me I’d be way too sleepy!)

Through this exchange I feel like I am making so much more progress than elsewise! I feel it is one of the most important part of learning a language, because speaking the language with others is the ultimate end goal so it is helpful to get right into it!

[imraespace]

HIHIIHIHI LUNCH TIME CHECK IN ONCE AGAIN 😈😈

im gonna try to eat in the library (even if it isnt .. really allowed..) but i think its fine if im in the corner eating my muffin 💔💔 the spot i chose rn is so hot i should not be here ugh but whatever

NOTHING REALLT HAPPENED TODAY BUT I GENUINELY WILL JUST STAY ALONE BC I CANNOT FUNCTION ON FRIDAYS ☹️ yesterday i took a 4-5 hour nap once i got home and thats legit more sleep than what i usually get HELP and when i tried sleeping that night i legit felt like i was floating the entire time felt like i didnt even sleep???? but its okay

anwyays HOW ARE YOUU and do you like muffins bc i love chocolate muffins 😈🙏

dailf question umumum what bluelock character would be horrified to see what type of ffs people make of them (i feel like the most obvious answer here is rin because of the amount of weird ffs ive seen of him ☹️)

- 🐙

HIIAHQH tsk.. delinquent.. I'm joking I sneak around in my school library as well you're not suppose to use your phone in the library unless it's for studying but all I do is bring a textbook and use my phone just for free ac (I don't use the textbook😊!) my Friday as been boring as well I DIDNT EVEN FELT THE SCHOOL SPIRIT (which is everyday but today was more powerful yk!) the most that happened is with the sigma boys noticing that I'm reading bllk that's all I LEFT MY WALLET HOME IM HUNGRYY AND I CANT TAKE MY MEDS I'm gonna get in trouble.. ALSO SAME after I ate yesterday I didn't even get to change out of my uniform I fell asleep and woke up dumbfounded at 8pm I thought it was the day before and I was already ready for school HELP.E IM GOOD and hungry but STILL GOOD I love muffins I don't like chocolate chip in my muffins or cookies tho I was told I'm a bit weird.. IDK I HATE CHOCOLATE CHIPS I like blueberry muffins bc I like berries my mommy buys berry jam just for me and I literally just eat it sometimes without any crackers(?) there's something called crix here that's like crackers but not salted idk how to describe it but I eat my jams with it bc it's tasty! YKE WHATS WEIRD even tho I hate chocolate chips there's this one local snack here thats chocolate chip cookies that I love idk im a bit odd I hate chips ahoy tho

LMAO yea I was thinking rin as well bc its the sensible answer but I SAID RIN YESTERDAY so um um I'll say barou this time only bc he seems like the type to judge you if you made one of him I can see him giving me a side eye for some reason

[mycptsdrecovery]

To the person who sent this ask:

https://at.tumblr.com/mycptsdrecovery/hi-im-sorry-to-ask-this-really-because-it-feels/fepccd6vfm9e

So first off I want to apologize because this message is probably gonna fuck your shit up a little bit. But for me at least, clarity brought peace. I hope this helps you put the pieces together and can bring you some comfort to know that you are not alone, what happened to you was very real and incredibly traumatic, and that you are incredibly strong for living through that. You’re obviously very smart and you’re asking the right questions- keep it up.

I read your post and I know exactly what happened to you. You had a VCUG. I had it done too, multiple times when I was 3. It took me literally 20 fucking years to figure out what that was and what happened to me. When I read the Wikipedia page, it was like I got hit in the head with a brick so brace yourself before you look it up. The procedure has literally every characteristic of a sexual assault, and I have lifelong sexual trauma from it. It’s used as a tool in research for studying memory related to CSA, because ofc you can’t abuse children to get data- but the VCUG is “medically necessary.” I think it’s almost worse in a way because it’s more like a gang rape WHILE YOUR PARENT IS WATCHING, and you’re not even seen has an object of attraction- it’s dehumanizing, and the denial of autonomy over your own body has serious, long term effects. It set me up for a lifetime of other sexual trauma- by the time I was 6 I was already showing hypersexual behavior. I never learned how to set any boundaries. Period. If you learn as a child that you don’t even have privacy *in the bathroom by yourself*, layered with the confusion and embarrassment of the experience (I was being potty trained, and then all of a sudden I’m in a radiology room and my mom is telling me I have to pee on this table in front of all these people??) seriously fucked me up, at least.

I spent literally my entire life not knowing why I was so fucked up, not knowing why I was so deeply traumatized when nothing (that I knew of) happened to me. It’s agony, and I blamed myself and lost myself in addiction and anorexia. Funnily enough, Ive always gravitated towards people who had serious childhood trauma. I’d hear their stories, and understand the feelings, but I never had a “story” of my own. It made me feel like an imposter, because it wasn’t like I got raped by a family member or something more “textbook”. Nobody talks about VCUG trauma even though thousands of kids go through this every year. It’s a faceless trauma, there’s nobody to blame (which makes it even more difficult to cope with imo)

There’s like one (1) support group on Reddit with 70 members, which is the largest to my knowledge. I was thinking of maybe starting a blog because there’s a lot of older people on reddit (like 5-10 yrs older than me at least) and I think that growing up Online with that trauma and 24/7 access to violent adult content is a totally different experience. But all of the emotions they talk about are the same, I’ve always kinda felt like nobody could understand what it’s like to be in my head, but reading that subreddit made me realize that I’m not The Most Fucked Up Person Who Has Ever Lived. And I learned how the trauma has formed every facet of my personality. Like I’m an anxious control freak who feels no sense of ownership over my body- surely that has nothing to do with this foundational traumatic memory of being denied control over my most basic bodily functions, right? Much to think about lol

You’re not crazy, and what you went through is unfortunately very real. I’m assuming that you’re still a teenager or a very young adult so you may not have gotten a yeast infection since you were a kid, but I think that the white stuff/medicine you were describing was monistat for a yeast infection. It’s a suppository, so there’s a like plastic plunger you put this white egg on, and then you put it in your vagina and push it up to your cervix, and the medicine leaks out over the course of a couple days. So it doesn’t surprise me at all that you would remember that, someone put a foreign object inside of you that was itchy and gross.

And for the record, your parents are *Very* Bad At Boundaries!!! If they can’t be the adults and set healthy boundaries, you have to. Its perfectly okay to say “I don’t want to talk about that” or “you’re making me uncomfortable, please stop touching me”. You didn’t have a voice when you were a kid, but you have one now. Trust me, I know it’s fucking scary and feels impossible- but do it once, and you’ll be hooked on the feeling forever.

I figured everything out last year (I’m about to turn 24), and I’ve been in therapy which has been super helpful. For me at least, EMDR has really been great for reprocessing those memories, and so has hypnotherapy exercises for being able to get into my subconscious. If you’re gonna look for one, you need a trauma specialist. Don’t fuck around with like a school counselor who mainly does “I’m depressed sometimes” therapy. If you’re anything like me, you need Serious Help.

I love you internet stranger- everything’s gonna be okay. You’re not alone, and it is possible to heal ❤️ I hope this brings you some peace

.

[minipisi-is-dumb]

alright so. tails and eggman are the only two characters that are canonically gifted/ND in the sonic universe but they're Really interesting ways to see how others perception of gifted people is like and how it impacts the silly furry story i am the normalest about it btw not like you care

so i just have other observations abt it because it's funny mainly eggman rn ive been thinking abt him a lot

this is also a long post and im not even a fraction done ok ive issues

(also abt this im talking about canon not coding and Oh Boy do i have words for sonic and shadow as gifted-coded and how much the narrative of just being born "gifted" compared to others or the entire Literally being made For This is used in fiction but im not. gonna talk about it. not today. soon.)

look i like to compare eggman and tails a lot bc they're fundamentally parallel between each other and their relationship w sonic n all that jazz that we know but LISTEN!!!

eggman has been diagnosed very obviously for plenty of years already and since it's very usual for people to be prejudiced against it i actually find interesting that he is so so self absorbed into his genius persona and being more invested into keeping that idea on others mind.

so okay listen words are funny. giftedness is a way of asynchronous development in the brain where some parts develop "quicker" than others (compared to most brains) and is not exactly fun all the time

a good analogy i like is about "mental age" (which was acc a predecessor of the idea of IQ!) where you have people who are chronologically, say, 12 years old, but their emotional regulation is alike to an 8 year old but ALSO their intellectual needs are the ones of a 19 year old. yeah. it gets like that.

so a lot of time in children it's the classic (super harmful) "hypermature" mentality that sees them and keeps them in that pedestal (yes this has to do w sonic still) and adults are usually seen as less mature than their peers, more child-like and less apt to be actually functional people in everyday live n that causes issues because part of the giftedness of it all is that the creativity and child-like wonder is a fundamental part of how our brain is wired wether we like it or not. so that "childish" part is always seens as less from the outside and DUDE YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH I ADORE EGGMAN

LISTEN TO ME eggman is textbook evil villain for kids entertainment franchise and also good foil for sonic and tails mainly Oh no we're not just talking abt that we're talking about symptoms here and i LOVE how some of them is clear he learned to accept and live with and others not

actually Eggman's got to be one of the coolest depictions of an evil gifted man istg. the man might be an evil mastermind n probably has killed so much people that lily orchid would cry in her sleep abt it and he's also hyperfixated on killing a funny blue furry but look he knows what he is and he OWNS it

Oh, the prejudice is that gifted adults are too childish? Too creative for their own good? Too self centered? Jokes on THEM Eggman just created 5 new badnik models based on the same worm and they all look sick also did you see Eggman's logo plastered everywhere like a kid putting stickers in every place they can???? YEAH

Oh the prejudice says that gifted adults need to be overachievers and have a million accomplishments to be validated? suck to be you because sure eggman has his doctorates hanging around but he really just has an elevated ego. he would call himself genius for making a coffee at the temperature he likes, he would call himself genius because of internalized shit but also he would just. let himself be. if anything he's not thinking about being or not a genius for himself, he's more focused on maintaining that mythos for his enemies so that he feels some sort of power (ah yes chronic need of control my beloved)

listen the ways funny brains ar wired make it so that there's an illusion of omnipotence through the sheer power of will. that "childish" part is so so fundamental because it comes back up even if repressed every time there's threat. every time a basis on any self perception is perceived, a "child-like" attitude is taken and everything is blamed on someone else or is reflected in a need of over protection, control and blaming others for any situation. you guys can see how this relates to Eggman or have i finally lost it

also that one cool af detail where he blames his frustration everything back to an outsider force uh listen im joking here but im very much sure that Eggman's gotta be one of the funniest depictions of a gifted adult that feels so. Yeah i can see where he's coming that's kinda what i mean.

uhhhh i have so many more thoughts but it's too long and also words are hilarious and also shut UP i just like Eggman as the funniest gifted man ever bc he just shows so many symptoms and plausible ways his ND affects his life. it's clear that they just wanted to parody the idea of an evil mastermind being annoyed by children when the games started and therefore gave him both the 300 is thing and the immature behavior to like mock him n such. but literally shut up i can do whatever i want i can take characters however i want and he is canonically ND so ill hold him to that standard anyways

[fangable]

HI this is late cause ive been busy but. i wil learn about veronica!

🌹 What clan do they belong to and how do they feel about them?

🤝 What is their relationship with their sire like?

👷🏻‍♂️ What are their opinions on mortals?

sjghshsgjhgsjs THANK YOU for this birthday gift. sorry for the late response as well but it is time to yell about my girl!!!

🌹 What clan do they belong to and how do they feel about them?

Veronica is a textbook case of Toreador: artistic, sensitive, hedonistic, manipulative. She was all of those things even before her Embrace; there is a reason why she was chosen, after all.

She used to be proud of her clan. The last name she uses is a reflection of that - Rosenfeld may be a little on the nose, but she chose it with that exact purpose, to leave no doubt as to which bloodline she belonged to. (Before that, she'd use the last name of her sire; she wanted the change to symbolize her rejection of his claim over her, while still advertising her pride in being a Rose).

Since leaving the Camarilla for the Anarchs and being introduced to the Bahari, she's been feeling less of a connection to the Toreador clan. Partly because there aren't that many Roses on this side of the barricade (although she sometimes misses being able to talk to one of her own), partly because there's a certain appeal in rejecting the traditional clans and simply declaring herself to be a descendant of Lilith.

We'll see how it develops, lmao

🤝 What is their relationship with their sire like?

NOT GOOD. Her sire, Ferdinand, kept her blood-bound to him for over 60 years. During that time, she fully believed she was happy and in love, but the moment the bond faded (after a few months during which Ferdinand disappeared), she realized she's been a prisoner and fled from East to West Berlin to escape him.

After all of Berlin came under the rule of one Prince, she couldn't really avoid him anymore, but nothing else really happened between them other than exchanging pleasantries and being mildly passive-aggressive. And then Veronica left the Camarilla and haven't seen Ferdinand since (that is, until last session, during which Ferdinand rolled a messy critical which made him even more of an asshole than usual. Fortunately, that encounter was brief).

Her feelings about him are... complicated. Most of it is hate, but part of her misses the comfort of the blood bond. She likely wouldn't handle it well if he met Final Death and would actively protect him from it if she had the option. And she wants answers from him - why he kept her imprisoned with the bond, and why he let it fade.

👷🏻‍♂️ What are their opinions on mortals?

The thing about Veronica is, the ultimate form of beauty for her is feeling - both emotions and physical sensations.

The thing about mortals is, they feel so much more than Kindred.

She likes watching mortals and she likes making them feel. It's not quite the same as being able to feel herself, there are many sensations she's lost when she gained immortality and she notices others fading, but it's still enjoyable to witness.

She tends to get very strongly attached to certain mortals, those that are particularly expressive with their emotions. Her relationships with those mortals are much more intense than relationships with other Kindred. (Right now she has a human lover named Lena. She cares about Lena very much. I care about Lena even more.)

She doesn't quite see herself as similar to mortals anymore. In some ways, she is more than them; in others, she is less than them. I think the way she loves her mortal lovers might be closer to how you might feel about your beloved dog than an actual partner.

[lemonhemlock]

I find it funny that there are quite a few anti Helaemonds out there who are Team Black. They have various reasons why they're against it but it's mainly because they hate Aemond with a passion and think the ship being canon would whitewash him even more and claim that Helaena deserves more than being just another love interest for a male character…Well, it's not that I have anything against that argument but the thing is the very same people write essays justifying B&C, they make fun of her suicide telling people on Twitter (Green leaning users obviously) they're fighting with to "Helaena yourself" whenever they disagree with them, call her a freak and now they want to pretend they care about her and other Green female characters. Give me a break. They're also quite mad at the idea of the writers borrowing elements from the Aemon/Naerys/Aegon dynamic to Helaegond…but because it would be an offense to Aemon to do that since Aemond is nothing like him, as if the general audience would even know about those three to care about it. Another claim I've seen recently from one of these people is that we only ship it because we want our own popular ship against Da*myra which is…crazy. Why is it that people from BOTH sides think we're shipping it to piss them off? Green antis think we're doing it to shove incest down their throats while the other ones think we're jealous of Daemyra, among other things. No, people ship things because they like those things, nothing more.

you're telling me that "helaena yourself" is an actual slang expression that came out of this fandom? good lord

the amount of double-sided cringe - on the one hand, thinking what a clever retort it must be to suicide bait randos on the internet; on the other hand, taking a character who was universally considered the least problematic and mocking them for succumbing to grief after living through a traumatic event ... ? lame. the only thing it's giving is hatred against women and any expression of innocence

people shouldn't be so quick to stan prince aemon though!! after all, he did fuck all to protect naerys from aegon iv (we'll see if we ever get FB vol II if i'm being harsh or not, but had i been in his place my brother would have suffered a little staircase accident or slipped on a banana peel)

as to people shipping helaemond just to piss others off, that's just comical. how do you generate that level of artwork and fics and general fandom interest in a reactive ship? most of the stuff i've seen is organic and independent of any other shipping dynamics. people very clearly got it from the show, yes, bc they don't interact in FB,* but they really liked the presentation and concept & just went with it - it's not some big conspiracy here

*meaning to say the maester writing FB didn't bother to find records of their interactions bc why would he? it's supposed to be a historical textbook, it's not really relevant to the plot

[navibluebees]

Pieces of a Soul - Chapter 4

Please read before interacting.

Warning for a little bit of blood and atonement.

After the announcement, we went back to the base, giving everyone time to think over and accept what was to come. Naomi felt a pang of pity for Jake. He was handling an unimaginable situation so well.

Over the next week, the Omaticaya came and set up dwellings, made a fire pit, brought everything they had. Some preferred to live a bit closer to the trees, but they were all near the gate. Naomi sat in the lab, flipping through one of Dr. Augstine’s old field notebooks. She read each note and tucked away each piece of information she could glean. The chair across from her was pulled out. Norm sat down, a worried look on his face. She shut the book; this was not a normal expression for him. He was usually off with his kids, smiling like he couldn’t get enough.

Over the time apart, Jake and Norm had met up regularly, resulting in Norm being around the clan more. This led to him becoming a father. Many children were war orphans now, and he’d bonded with a few who absolutely adored him.

“What’s wrong?” She asked.

He sighed deeply and said, “I’m worried about you. I want to help if you feel stuck or scared or whatever. I’m here for you.”

She pinched her lips together, trying not to cry. He reached for her hand and said,  “I wonder if it’s time for you to use your Avatar.It’s been a while since you got here and now that things seem to be settling down, it might be a good opportunity for you. Plus, it’s pretty awesome to not need a mask when you go out,” he added with a dry chuckle.

Naomi looked toward the window and tried to cover her trembling mouth as a tear slipped out. Norm rose and came around, grasping her hands in his. “Hey, if you really aren’t ready, you don’t have to.”

“No, no I want to. I’m just so afraid. So much has happened and it’s a new thing and what if I don’t do it right and what if I make a bad Na’vi and -“ She stopped, feeling his hands squeezing her arms. She paused, taking a deep breath, struggling to claw her way out of the spiral.

“You are great. You know so many things about the environment and will have less limitations in an Avatar body. If you need to stop, it’s okay. I’ll be with you the whole time.”

Naomi sniffed and threw her arms around him, holding him tightly. In such a short time, he’d become so much like an older brother to her, even closer than her biological brother had been on Earth.

“I’ll do it.”

~~~

She slowly laid down in the pod. Her body was swarming with nerves like a hive of bees in her stomach. Norm held her hand tightly. “I’ll go in right away so I can be there when you wake up. See you on the other side.” He smiled and ran to his pod while Max started hers. The lid began to close and she shut her eyes hoping to drift off quickly. 

Bright lights flashed in her eyes and someone was tapping on her face. Her eyes focused and she was startled to see Norm’s Avatar face hovering over hers. “A bit close, huh, Norm?”

He snorted and helped her sit up. Her extremities began to tingle as she gained feeling. She wiggled her fingers and toes, too afraid to look anywhere but at Norm. The medical staff checked her vitals and motor control. All too soon they said, “Alright, you’re good to stand.”

Naomi wobbled a bit as she rose, steadying herself with a hand on the bed. She turned and startled as she tapped an IV pole with her tail. She grabbed it and studied it, becoming giddy when it twitched from excitement. Someone spoke behind her and her ear swiveled. She gasped and reached up to feel the rounded edges of her newer, longer ears. She whirled and started toward the mirror, too curious to be afraid anymore. She grinned widely at herself, watching her fangs poke out more. When she looked higher, tears sprung to her eyes. She’d been so scared of this moment. So unsure of how she might feel. Her eyes were a bright green, reminding her of a peridot gemstone she’d seen in a textbook. Her bioluminescent spots, so faint in the light, were the pattern of her freckles on her human face. Even in this new body, she felt so much like herself.

She turned to go outside and toward the Avatar sleeping quarters to find her cot and new clothes. Norm followed after and showed her where her new body would rest. She was able to find a comfortable outfit of a soft, sleeveless shirt and shorts, being careful of her queue as she changed. Seeing the small tendrils of her nervous system made her gape in awe.

After she stepped out, Norm had some fruit ready for her. It was so much more enjoyable fresh and she breathed deeply, enjoying the peace of the moment. A whoop slipped out of her and she took off running, vowing she would never wear shoes again. Even without the bond, she felt so much more in this body, the soft Pandoran soil turning up under her feet.

She spun around, reeling, and locked eyes with a face outside of the fence. Keveya stood with a faint smile on his face, growing as she walked closer to the fence. Many of the clan preferred to live beside the Avatars rather than the machines. He had been patching up his tent and had paused at the noise.

He stood as she came closer, noting her joy and the flush across her cheeks. She paused, breathless, and took in his appearance in the daylight. He was tall as all Na’vi were. His loincloth a dark green, his knife strung across his body, a crystal handle outside of the sheath. His braids were pulled back off of his neck with a leather band, the beads sparkling among his hair.

She reached for her wrist to twist her bracelet as she had over the time she’d worn it. Not feeling it, she had a sense of panic before remembering it was on her other body in the pod.

“Uh … I can’t wear the bracelet in this body. Sorry.”

“Why do you apologize? You have done nothing wrong.” 

She began to twist at the hem of her shirt, worried she might have upset him.

“I will make you another. Was it to your liking? Would you like something else?”

“No, no, I love it!”

“Do you want to come with me to gather the materials?”

“Oh, um, let me ask if I can go.”

Naomi turned and sprinted back to Norm to ask if she could explore with Keveya. Concerned, Norm asked, “Are you sure he’s the best person to be around?”

Naomi trembled as she held a pleading hand out to him. “Mìmuk said he is different. I want to know if that is true. I don’t want to be afraid anymore.”

With a firm nod, Norm handed her an ear piece and the connecting throat band, making her promise to call if she needed anything.

~~~

As she exited the gate, she began walking to the small group of tents, Keveya popping out from his as she got closer.  He had a new pouch slung around his waist for gathering materials. He gestured toward the forest and turned to walk with her close behind. The storm of panic reared its beastly head and she reached for his arm, stopping him in his path.

“Why did you attack me?” Her voice came out small.

Weak, she thought.

Brave, he thought.

It was time. Keveya turned and breathed deeply. He paused. What words could heal this? He fell to his knees, desperately clutching the hand she had put on his arm. He pressed it to his forehead, slowly rocking on his heels. She sunk next to him, aware of eyes that watched them curiously. Her need to appease, to soothe, began to overwhelm and blind her senses but before she could speak, he cut her off. He looked at her deeply and she was snared in his amber eyes.

“I am so deeply sorry. When I saw you, I was engulfed with grief. Both of my parents were torn from me. My friends, neighbors, my home… When I saw you, you were just another human in a suit, here to destroy. To take. I am so ashamed I have caused you this pain. I have witnessed your kind heart. You were helpful and curious and I crushed you. I am so sorry and I wish to heal this hurt I have caused.”

Stunned, Naomi stared at him, unable to form words. She sat for a moment, struggling to comprehend the riot of emotions clashing inside her.

Worried by her silence, he looked up at her. When they locked eyes, she quivered. “I See You,” she whispered.

His face crumpled with sorrow and something akin to relief. His hand trembled as he reached for his knife. He unsheathed it swiftly and held it out to her in a supplicating gesture. Confused, she pulled away.

Bowing his head he said, “You must cut. As I did.” 

Tears sprang to her eyes. “I can’t…”

“Please,” he begged. “It is atonement. It is our way.” He slowly extended his leg to her, resting the knife at his calf with the handle toward her. Her fingers shakily closed around it. He nodded at her. Her brain couldn’t forge even the simplest thought. She brought the knife down.

~~~

Keveya seemed lighter after Naomi cut his leg. She trembled and dropped the knife in the grass. He wiped her hand off with a cloth tucked into his pouch.

“What if your feelings overtake you like that again? I don’t want to get hurt again.”

He smiled softly at her and brushed a stray curl away from her face, tucking it behind her ear. “It is nothing you have to worry about, little one.”

He rose to walk toward his tent, shooing off her help. It was something he must do on his own. He fought the limp the whole way there. 

Once it was wrapped, he went back to her, seeing her curled up on herself as she sat in the grass. She immediately hid her face before peeking out slightly at him. He gave her a lopsided smile before patting her hair and smoothing the flyaway curls. “Naomi, it is alright. It was my punishment to take. Let us go make you a new bracelet.”

He carefully helped her up, wrapping a hand around her arm to guide her. As they went into the forest, he held leaves aside for her, showing her through to a clearing full of fan lizards. She gasped and ran through, scattering them around as they spun away. On the other side of the brush, she could hear water. He camee up behind her and gestured for her to keep going.

“We come to the water to look for a stone or shell to make into beads for your bracelet. Wait, do you want something different?”

Naomi shook her head, “No, a bracelet is good. I like to twist it when I get nervous.”

He offered an understanding smile. They began to sift through the sand at the edge of the water with their fingers. “Wait, Keveya, how did you know my name?”

A bit shamefaced, he met her gaze and grimaced. “Neytiri made sure I did. My pain is my explanation, but it is no excuse-“

Hooves pounded through the forest. Keveya looked up at Naomi wide-eyed and snatched her up from the stream, hauling her out of the way up to a hollowed tree. Pa’li broke through the brush, hunters riding atop them. They paused after seeing him, then realized someone was behind him. 

“Who have you got there?” One of the men snickered, teasing Keveya.

Keveya’s face grew hot, unsure what to say. Naomi placed a gentle hand on his arm, her touch feather-light. He turned to her still blocking her from view. She gave a small smile and stepped around him. The hunters were a bit unsettled seeing her Avatar form. One rode forward and dismounted, walking closer to the two. Tongue-tied, Naomi managed to get out that they were looking for materials for a bracelet. 

The hunter smirked and looked down at her, still managing to be taller than her even in her Avatar form. Mìmuk glanced between the two of them, an unspoken question on her face. Her gaze was too intense to meet and Naomi ducked her head. “Little one. You have grown.”