#ive said these on discord probably several times before but I wanted it here too | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

luminous-shifting-vibes · 3 years

Text

*sequel* to actual fucking quotes from the shiftblr coffeehouse discord server

once again, it's out of context because x1000 funnier

also x1000 longer than previous post

"ur satan is gnc af"

"Bestie I’m already having gender envy over a fucking demon please"

"O_O ODEPIJHFbavevisdpvfhzdcnjawedsidjksjdkoeirjfmkdsoeirujdksodifjndmksoidfjdksidfj ITS" NOT IN MY FRAFTS IS SPEDNT 1 hour PN THAT SHIT"

"AUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"

"ohoho sexy"

"I am very proud of myself"

"himbo x edgy fuck"

"YOU COULD SQUISH HES CHEECKS"

"he has teefs"

"SQUASH"

"good for biting 📷"

"he's a himbo basically"

"B͂̒̄iͫ̍̈tͧ̓ͯè̄̇"

"bifth"

"i havent watched blue exorcist in years but mr okumura my beloved </3"

"MY LIFE QUESTIONS HAVE BEEN ANSWERED"

"is it important information to mention that the person i put up for my turn is the son of satan" "I know like 1 thing about everyone who isnt ranboo lmfao"

"crimes"

"tumblr sexyman"

"idk why but my first thought was cowboy onceler"

"I vibe with him but he is very long and twisty"

"steampunk e-girl"

"steampunk tumblr sexyman"

"Canonically bi crimelord I agree!!"

"OOO FRIEND SHAPED"

"ARTIST SIGHTED"

"they look like someone i would want to be friends with but is way cooler than me so i'd never actually talk to them"

"babby..... would die for him"

"honestly i probably kin him"

"i'm sure he's lovely but he looks way too much like my ex i'm sorry-"

"i'd be down for another rotation! i have another twink to show y'all"

"Also :00 blonde friend"

"Let us all infodhmo"

"Hsjagdvbs shhh im on phone"

"Nix woukd you like to joon?

"skitters away"

"I have two braincells and they both drink dumb bitch juice"

"oof wait whats the order again i have 0 memory"

"i want to bond with him over cosplay-"

"Awkwardly watches in band kid"

"One day I'm gonna a broadway star"

"which isnt to say they were bad. they were just fortnite dancing during rehersals"

"I threw it so hard my glasses flew off and slid under the stage right divider"

"anyway heres my boi"

"emo"

"haha emo"

"virgil sanders kinnie"

"he looks like he listens to my chemical panic at the fallout boy"

"Bro I bet he'd kick my ass with his deck"

"bird man my beloved"

"fuck i had so much to say and then i forgot it all"

"Birds!!"

"guiguhuh"

"crabrave"

"She sounds like someone I would end up stealing her personality"

"yess name collector gang"

"alias glass aiden haven absinthe fish brick rice"

"But I have Cypress, Remure, Genesis, Lemres, and Comet"

"And she's named after a mars candy bar bc alien"

"Hey, if plato went by plato, you can be king thief"

"im not dissing my gramma like that shfojd"

"My dad has seven legal names" "bitches be like *looks at fictional character* *steals their name* it's us we're bithces"

"coraline lowkey traumatized me but i adore it regardless"

"mmmmmm magic man :]"

"°0° green man"

"criminal (affectionate)"

"he would shoplift a candy bar from walmart and then brag to all of his friends about the sick stealing he did"

"despite the fact he's canonically been capable of overpowering a minor deity"

"i would commit so many crimes for him"

"Very babey"

"Yes please tell green man he is very pog"

"he also keeps a lot of dumb secrets"

"but I will sorely miss the chaos and energy of this here chat until I wake again" (by request XD)

"i just say words and if they're funny then they're funny"

"* or extremly chaotic either works"

"at this point we are just taking turns rambling"

"oH--"

"bc my brain has a schedule"

"Hopefully they have gyoza there or I will lose my mind"

"hehe yes spooky man"

"my ghost glucose guardian"

"the head of the undead group that lives there, and we end up dating. (yes I date a ghost, no I will not be taking constructive criticism /lh)"

"ghosts r just inherently sexy"

"i mean im becoming a squid thing so"

"Raven quirk raven quirk!!"

"ł â m p"

"łæmp"

"mothman: ooh lamp you look very nice today! do you come here often? mothman: wait shit no"

"I'd date a ghost"

"mine is still accurate, i am still sobbing (/j)"

"p e e p e e"

""@nick wilde is a tumblr sexyman" is the best thing i have ever seen"

"im sorry im cackling like a dying hyena"

"you're all 12 year olds"

"PEENIE"

"He once caused global warming on accident so he could get a tan"

"god, what a himbo. i love him"

"that reminds me of my friends kin assigned me jesus"

"Man outside of battle be like: princely crying but then in battle hes like: "CATACLYSM! DISASTER! DEVASTATION!" Chill out man"

"Every time I talk about satan it never fails to shock people it's my favorite thing to do"

"im kin assigning him roman sanders" ""Oh yeah he caused global warming because he wanted to get girls" "he what""

"oh damn i forgot satan was straight"

"twink appreciation club"

"give us the twinks"

"my first thought was bottom-"

"so many people to try and get his dad to love him"

"daddy issued"

"OH MY GOD ITS WILBUR"

"Big boy but"

"anyways janus is swagggg"

"........................."

"gib twink"

"give twink then i will share"

"holds him gentle like hamburger"

"This dumb bitch opened a book that said "do not open" and got possessed by a little bastard"

"he is. fragile creachur"

"klug is beauty klug is grace i would let him step on my face"

"If I'm playing swap and I have to hear one more "Pwanet Powew" Im gonna lose it"

"Who is to blame? Pandora or the box?"

"Bakugo isnt my type but I respect the drip"

"i say like my type isnt long-haired pretty boys and girls that look so gnc that people have a history of confusing them for men"

"hes a gremlin and i can appreciate a pretty gremlin"

"that is to say i am attracted to VFlower vocaloid. This is a confession."

"note i am a lesbian"

"You may like Schezo wegey"

"why does he have one single expression"

"soul soul eater passes the vibe check"

"magic wand"

"I Want To Hold His Hand"

"i would commit a war crime for him any war crime idc which one"

"my favorite one is when he sounded rlly gay because he said "Muscular bodies keep me satisfied""

"p e a n u t"

"Klug is a homophobic homosexual its just facts"

"grug from the croods is peak male performance"

"jaw drops to floor, eyes pop out of sockets accompanied by trumpets, heart beats out of chest, awooga awooga sound effect, pulls chain on train whistle that has appeared next to head as steam blows out, slams fists on table, rattling any plates, bowls or silverware, whistles loudly, fireworks shoot from top of head, pants loudly as tongue hangs out of mouth, wipes comically large bead of sweat from forehead, clears throat, straightens tie, combs hair Ahem, you look very lovely."

"tag yourself im the fireworks shooting from the top of the head"

"i like essays"

"central time gang"

"11:11 pog-" (wait... is that a suprise angel number?? yes it is lovelies just for you <3)

"Then again im also a dumbass bitch who wonders what the souls in soul eater taste like. SERIOUSLY THOUGH. THEY LOOK TASTY AS HELL!!!! LIKE GODDAMN BRO YOU'RE MAKING ME FUCKING HUNGRY. Like. that shit- it's Bone Apple motherfucking Teeth. hell yea my guy. Im hongy now.... shlorp I'm seriously considering this. Like. They seem kinda like a liquid? But a solid? Are they like jello? The fuck they taste like my guy???? I keep imagining they're like sour, like sour candy maybe? Or do they taste salty? Sweet? Maybe some combo of two? Do they even have a taste or is it about the texture? The sensation? God my mouth is watering what the hell. I am starving. I think I need to go get a cookie. I'm gonna go get a cookie. Brb. I'm better. I'm still craving souls though. Which is a weird-ass cringey thing to say but I'm being dead-ass rn. They just.... look tasty???? And I wanna eat one. Thus. I am shifting to Soul Eater for the express purpose of satisfying my fucking cravings. enjoy"

"points were made"

"jello? more like helloooo schloooAHFJDSDAIDWNALDHSJKDAIDANDM"

"WAIT I THINK I HAVE AN ANIME GIRL BITING VIDEO TOO"

"anime girl voice: mmm! mm... ahhhhmp!! mmm, mmm... aaahmp!"

"i think it sounds great i'm going to start eating like that"

"several people are typing"

"do these look edible to you"

"forbidden gummies"

"when I was on lsd I couldn't eat my fruit gummies because I thought they were alive because they had little faces on them"

"oh shit yeah don't do drugs"

"anyways general consensus is puyos are edible, ty for your input everyone"

"everypony is a word so powerful it can bring nations to its knees"

"pls the self control it's taking me not to say "hewwo everypony" in gen chat when someone new joins-"

"hewwo evewrypony uwu deaw cewestia i hopwe it doewsnt wain owo"

"ive cooked up a sowution wiwth the knowwege ive acwued. they say a kitcwen time saves niwne, but im just savwing two. Ive gathewwed the inwedients to make a time sowbet. Thewe's hawdly woom fow seconds when the seconds mewt away."

"I had a ten year old sister... you know what happened to her??? very sad, very tragic... she turned eleven....."

"NIIICE"

"Guts dont say the secks word :( /j"

"watch your fucking language in front of the president"

"im so sorry lumi"

"i think you're like ehhhh 8/10 funny"

"now me???? 10/10. Hilarious"

"sometimes i have to take a step back and remember that this is the same guts i follow on tumblr /lh"

""ok every here's some good shifting advice!!! uwu have a good day" "yeah i did lsd and ate fruit gummies""

"i have one setting and it's whatever this is"

"my bitch ass cat just pushed the door open with his fuzzy face and now my sleeping dad is being lulled into dreams by Cosmo Sheldrake's 'Pliocine'."

"me on discord: nick wilde"

"me on tumblr: shifting water! haha funne! me on here: my hermit crabs are cannibals also i want to eat souls."

"im sorry yOUR VIBESA RE JUST SO DIFFERNT"

"u give off older cousin ive never spoken to but always admire at the family gatherings vibes"

"what the fuck"

"BC I HAVE LIBERTU"

"If you adopt me then yes"

"am I qualified for dad jokes???"

"we're all a lot smarter on tumblr"

"I'm like "awww... sweet... sweet little shiftlings... posting such sweet shiftling content... so pure, so wholesome... does not even know abcs....""

"can't think before you speak if you never think B)"

"I'm not responsible enough to be a mom"

"cat pet"

"show us pictures of the cat or i will do Crime"

"maybe thats me being a coward tho"

"MOTH!!!! MOTH MY BELOVED"

if y'all want I can make this a series bc shiftblr keeps giving me more content

#tw drugs #tw swearing #tw cannibalism #tw crime #tw food #tw homophobia #shitpost #out of context #out of context quotes #lumi's quotes

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danideservedbetter · 3 years

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Day 7, 8, 9, and 10 / Elaboration

Hey y’all! I said yesterday I would elaborate a little more on what my doctor’s visit yesterday told me, and here I am to do just that! I meant to yesterday, honestly, but by the time I got home my medicine had worn off and that wasn’t looking very likely 😅😅 But regardless!!! Here is what my results look like and honestly? These things probably have been affecting my sleeping disorder to a degree I’d previously disregarded without detailed info I’ve gotten from these tests.

Full write up under the cut!

—I got two major tests done, blood work and a genetics test. Back in my hometown the nurses couldn’t even figure out how to open the damn swab, but technology here managed to map out my entire DNA sequence which is utterly NUTS to me.

—My body is deficient in almost every important vitamin known to mankind, which makes sense because my diet is not… the best 😅 So, I started on several (SEVERAL) supplements to start out.

—I say start out because it’s very likely that I’ll be taking vitamin C and some liver enzyme through an IV once a month. A younger me might’ve thought something like this was scary, but at this point I’m so desperate to be healthy that getting nutrients drip fed into my system for them to work quicker sounds just fine to me.

—Other than that it’s normal lifestyle stuff. Eat more fruits and vegetables (I’ve been eating olives by the can for like days and I intend to buy fresh fruit packets for breakfast whenever I can afford them) as well as staying more active— which I DEFINITELY have been since I moved closer to New Orleans, in Louisiana proper where my dad lives.

But enough of the boring medicinal stuff. I’m sure you guys are much more interested in the whys— is there a reason my hypersomnia is so bad? Is there a deeper explanation than “lack of vitamins bad and you should feel bad”?

Well, yeah. YES. The genetics test revealed a metric fuckton to say the least 😂😂😂 but the most important was what kinds of diseases I’m predisposed to or how my body can process certain types of hormones/enzymes/proteins. Things like why caffeine won’t work for me (my body processes it very fast but not very thoroughly) or my metabolism being the strongest recorded genotype (which is why it’s been so hard to gain weight). Below, I’ll go into detail about stuff my new general doctor’s in-office geneticist (I still can’t believe that’s a thing I’m typing) has revealed about my disorder.

Naturally, this is specific to me because of my parents and our family lines. Maybe if you see info pertinent to yourself, looking into genetic mapping may be a good idea for you?

We are pretty confident that I have Idiopathic Hypersomnia. The reason for this is that a tiny link has been found between individuals who contracted mononucleosis in their childhood and adolescence and individuals who fell within the sleep cycles indicating IH. Now, IH will be genetic sometimes, but considering I’ve tracked my disorder to starting around 14, the same year I contracted Mono, the coincidence definitely doesn’t seem like… well, a coincidence. My blood test shows that I do in fact have the antibodies in my system, and they’re doing something… odd.

The geneticist found some “active” antibodies. Well, not some, really 😅 Basically, she’s surmised that these antibodies have a hair-trigger response and can react to any given environmental factor (stress, hunger, etc.) to the point where they activate as if they think they’re **fighting off a virus that’s been out of my system for ten years.** Of course this takes up an inordinate amount of energy, which is her hypothesis as to why my hypersomnia is so random and varies in intensity. The goal for this summer is flushing these antibodies out of my system.

My previous neurologist tried out a couple stimulants and then shit insurance prevented me from trying any others. So I’m stuck on something traditionally prescribed for adhd. A narcotic. *However* since my body is severely dysfunctional in general, the way I describe it is I basically have to induce a high to stay awake and function normally. We want to eventually get me off of these kinds of drugs, of course, since prolonged exposure weakens their effects and they’re highly addictive.

Another in credibly interesting thing we found is that I'm lacking in three major hormones. However, it's not because I don't produce them. I've never identified with symptoms of depression (anxiety, certainly, but not depression) yet for most of my life my childhood general practitioner insisted I had it. Well, the geneticist found that while I'm lacking in serotonin, dopamine, and melatonin, which yes are the two major mood enhancers and then the hormone that induces sleep, it's not because I can't produce them. It's because my neural transmitters are so damaged from a less-than-good diet and years of exhaustion that they simply can't process them. Just as the antibodies can have a hair-trigger response to environmental factors, so too can these processors. Simple things like a good meal, my high from my stimulants, or even micro dopamine shots from getting things done can activate the transmitters. Another thing on the docket for the summer is fixing these permanently with treatments of vitamins and supplements.

My stimulants have caused appetite issues, unfortunately, and that plus Covid at the beginning of this year caused me to get down to my lowest recorded weight ever, 94 pounds, which I haven't weighed since before I hit my final growth spurt way back in middle school. My dad does physical labor (he's a contractor who frames houses in the humid heat of the Deep South lol) so he's used to feeling tired. When he caught Covid, he said that he'd never felt as tired, drained, or out of it in his entire life. He never gets sick and hardly goes to the doctor and NEVER takes off work because of health, but in his last few weeks before full recovery he had to take off early multiple times. He was floored when he described the brain fog and exhaustion and I told him that I had no idea I even had Covid, because I just thought it was my disorder acting up. It was only when my grandmother started feeling tired that we got tested and we tested positive.

All that said, we think that there's hope for a future for me. She said that while there's no cure for IH, the cause that I have may can be mitigated by changes in exercise, diet, routine, and medication,to the point where I may mitigate symptoms of my disorder entirely. I'm still setting up appointments with a new neurologist here in the city, though, because technology is of course more advanced here.

And again, taking all of this into consideration, while it was looking likelier by the day, we've both agreed that I'll be here in the city 'til New Years. Which means no school this semester, but if I can go back in spring at more than 20% functionality and maybe succeed, I'm perfectly fine having to remain on break.

However, another good update: I weigh 103 pounds! I'm steadily gaining weight-- which means the other medication, the one for my appetite, is working as it should and as long as I stay on-track I should reach my goal of 120 by the end of the year as well.

So, yeah! That's what it's looking like. I have another appointment to go more in depth with the results tomorrow, but for now I'm planning out my week since I decided to let myself rest all last week. I'd love to finish helping out for our current podfic, ACTUALLY start the damn 100 Theme Challenge (LOL), finish betaing something that's been on hold for months, properly reconnect with our discord, catch up on all the media I fell behind on, clean my damn room, and establish a budget for this week on what I can buy. A more specific plan for today will follow, but til then, I hope this gives everyone some insight on what I'm looking at and how I'm gonna try to fix it.

Xoxo

Dani

#idiopathic hypersomnia #TW: weight #TW: anxiety/depression mention #health post #genetics

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patchdotexe · 4 years

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explorers of arvus: port draavos / 3.23.20

and now for something different: the misadventures of the hope’s guard

so for the past 3 years ive been in an ongoing dnd5e campaign run by michael called Explorers of Arvus, which is super cool and super fun and i love it a whole lot! and back when i used twitter, i’d liveblog our sessions and that ended up being my way of note taking bc im otherwise quite terrible at it

after i stopped using twitter, that had the side effect of me not keeping notes anymore, so i kind of didnt remember any of the past couple sessions? especially because its hard for all 6 of us to have like, schedules that make sense, so there’s a lot of distance between each session.

and then i realized i can just take notes shitpost-liveblog style and then just… like, put it on tumblr or whatever. i’ll probably make like, ill probably port over my old liveblog threads onto here sometime but until then: we played d&d today! Time For Shenanigans

some quick context: we’re called the Hope’s Guard, but our unofficial silly name is Chunch Bunch the Dungeon Master is Michael aka Skalter aka @openlyeight Taure M’ea is a half-elf paladin played by Penn aka @penn-name and she is doing her best. Sieron Astora is a human (secretly half-orc) wizard played by Jorb aka @jorbs-palace and he’s basically the protagonist, and also starting to be gay for Charlie Charlie Wickfield is a halfling wild magic sorcerer played by Leos aka us and she’s known for being very chaotic, lighting things on fire, and having a high charisma score but no idea how to articulate anything Thorne is a half-orc warlock played by Solar aka @craftlands and he grew up in nonsense land aka the feywild and i love him, and also he’s fine-tuned to be able to snipe the shit out of anything within a 600 ft radius of him w/ eldritch blast Silje Cottonwood is a tabaxi blood hunter played by Nyx aka @patheticnyas and he is very edgy but also a cat and is VERY gay for Thorne our general goal is to stop some motherfucker called Halvkar / the God-King from… i dunno, being a huge bitch? he dumped zombies all over Arvus and that’s a problem. its late at night and i just played d&d for several hours

AND SO: WE PLAYED D&D FOR THE FIRST TIME OF THE DECADE

last time:

chunch bunch beat up the cult and now we’re FINALLY GOING TO ARVUS, YALL (also we picked up a cat) (his name is silly. its silje but literally pronounced like “silly”) sieron hatched a child! so like, we have a lil coatl friend now OH RIGHT SIERON HAS A MOM. sierons mom is here charlie and sieron attempted to have a gay scene but charlie went off script by being “[internal dial up noises]” when sieron said something really heartwarming we’re in fort draavos! and now we’re picking up sidequests and just kinda wanderin around. woo!

NOW, ON EXPLORERS OF ARVUS:

thorne and charlie discuss the morals of necromancy, and also the concept of “[charlie voice] necromancy racism”

EVERYONE IS BONDING WITH CHARLIE TODAY taure gave charlie the rune of wound closure and told her to stay safe and im :keralisweep:

accidentally started a cutscene bc charlie is very loud in a temple, oop. some priests(?) glared at us and walked off and im sure they wont stab us later! ingrid the adorkable friend has been having reoccuring nightmares about a dark figure w/ black robes standing above a bleeding platform high in the air over a swamp and summoning undead, so we’re gonna go hit that up! it MIGHT be like, a vision of the past, but even if so thats still pretty relevant also there’s a cool half orc lady named undril silvertusk who we’re gonna escort to camp vengeance! she’s awesome

thorne: i was in a dungeon once charlie: you got better! thorne: [points] i DID get better!

summer: can i roll to steal the laser gun? michael: if you find the dragon, you can try to steal the laser gun.

solar: guys, we have to protect the lesbians at all costs. and if one of them turns out to be an ancient gold dragon and curses my dick, then so be it

taure: dont worry, i wont let you die. ingrid: …okay :D!

THE HOT SPRINGS EPISODE IS FINALLY HAPPEN sorry thorne. charlie dabbed at a buff tiefling charlie is too fucking short for the hot springs. also she’s like 50% hair so she is Dying

time for food! we ran into an adventuring party that is apparently based off one michael was part of in another campaign, and i think the buff tiefling is his? also taure ordered samples of everything and then got Super plastered

thorne rolled really good to infodump hardcore about arvus artifacts and it is cute and id die for him oop michael asked for all our passive perception

omg theres an introduction of a ~mysterious character~ and originally theyre supposed to just sneak off but then michael realized they’d be genuinely interested in thorne’s infodumping so now theyre just Lurking

the opposite of a slow burn is a fast explosion

[everyone gets distracted quoting realtime fandub]

oops taure is depressed! ALSO SHE BROKE UP WITH SIGRA??? charlie is VERY bad at emotional support so she’s just “uhhhhhhhhh”, but thankfully thorne catches her before she faceplants into her potatoes CAN ANY OF US CARRY TAURE??? SHE’S IN FULL ARMOUR AND ALSO PASSED OUT

michael: what do you do with the bottle? summer: eat it

charlie get haircut! WITH SWORDS. her hair is now like midway down her back so its like, a bit shorter than when she first met everybody silje: do you want this [the hair he cut off]? charlie: UH WHAT WOULD I .. DO WITH IT… silje: …make a rope? charlie: yknow what i might as fucking well, who knows if id need spare hair

penn: i dont think taure is horny tho! summer: ITS OK, SILJE IS HORNY ENOUGH FOR ALL OF US

michael: Sieron, Str of 10- action hero Thorne, str of 14- twink nyx: silly, str of 13- cat solar: i guess thorne is a hunk. michael: thorne is a twunk summer: the t in thorne stands for twunk

taure, extremely drunk and sad: CHARLIE IM SORRY I MADE YOU BURN DOWN THAT LIBRARY (sieron and thorne carried her to bed and she ended up apologising a whole lot about literally everything)

jorb/sieron wants to know if charlie’s hair has any lingering wild magic nonsense!

thorne’s staring out the window! and also discord kept censoring solar when they were trying to say that THIS ENTIRE AREA IS WITHIN THORNE’S RANGE. solar: i could shoot someone at the thundering boar tavern [from our tavern] jorb: [as thorne] WRONG TAVERN, IDIOT!

solar called soldier:76 a cornfucker and it blindsided me so hard

michael: silje cottonwood, dark edgy blood hunter. [flops over on camera] NOTICE MEEEEEEEE

WE’RE NOW MAKING NONSTOP FORT DRAAVOS PUNS. i had to go clean pepper’s litter and when i came back they were STILL GOING

thorne pets silje on accident bc silje ws doing an anime squat on the balcony’s railing and is now having a crisis of “is it appropriate to pet the furry?” AND ALSO SILLY IS VERY SOFT

jorb & michael: [say something cursed] summer: [looking around frantically] I DONT HAVE AN IMPROVISED WEAPON solar: Allow Me. [brandishes baseball bat on camera]

#leo chirps #txt #summer.txt #dnd #explorers of arvus

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bethanyrob-archive · 4 years

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Gym Time ll Beth & Ella

Discord thread featuring: Beth and @ella-isms

Mentions: @chxrityx @malakhai-ozera @ellicfm

When: The week after the Throuple Pride Party

Description: Beth and Ella vent to each other at the gym

Trigger Warnings: mentions of past domestic violence

Ella.

whether she liked it or not, ella spent a lot of time in the gym. a certain body type was required for her profession and she had been keeping up on it for this long, couldn't just stop now. as if spending hours upon hours completing grueling variations in the studio wasn't workout enough? still the ballerina did what was expected of her. once she was changed into her gym clothes, the blonde headed to the gym and was actually, almost on time. ten minutes late. that wasn't so bad. not for ella at least. when she arrived she looked around for her friend and upon spotting her headed in that direction. "hey gorge."

Beth.

Beth was prompt as always, she was eager to start her workout anyway. It was unlike her to sit around all day doing nothing, but Ellie had had some free time lately and Beth was enjoying sitting around the house and spending more time with her little sister. She’d take any opportunity to head to the gym though, and it had been a hot minute since she had a good workout. Beth was in the middle of doing a warm up on the treadmill when she spotted Ella. “Hey!” She said, taking several deep breathes. She stopped the treadmill briefly before pulling Ella into a hug. “Thanks for suggesting this. I needed to get off my ass.” She laughed.

Ella.

with the amount of time she spent at this place they should probably start charging her rent. not that she would ever suggest such a thing. but a good portion of the time she did her workouts alone, so that she could get in the zone but once in a while it was nice to have company. plus, she and beth could catch up. the blonde returned the hug "sorry im already fucking you all up," she chuckled, hopping onto the treadmill next to her. "you're most welcome. i like to think that im a good motivator," a smirk grew on her lips. "what have you been up to though? i feel like time passes and before i know it its been weeks since ive talked to you. sorry im such a flake."

Beth.

Beth shrugged and started to turn up the speed on the treadmill again. “No worries. I just started. I’m just glad you’re here. I need to know about your life.” She smiled as she started to jog. “The best.” She smiled. “I have been up to literally nothing. Just work. Oh, I got into a fight at the pride party a couple weeks ago. Not my finest moment. I will not be drinking like that again.” She said with a huff. “I’ve just been working though. The long hours make me so exhausted by the end of the day that I just want to go home and sleep.” She shook her head. “You’re not a flake. I’m worse than you. I promise. I’m such a recluse.”

Ella.

ella gradually turned up the speed on her treadmill, mostly to a light jog so that she could get her heart rate up while still talking, "how's work been?" she glanced at her friend. and then her brows raised "a fight? what like a fight fight? or an argument?" ella knew that if she meant an argument that's what she would have said. "a fight with who?! about what? details."

Beth.

“Work has been...well work.” She shrugged. “It’s still entry level. I’d really like to open a private practice one day instead of working in a hospital.” Even though Beth was smart, she still needed to work her way up go totem pole. She didn’t LOVE he job now, but she did love her career and field. Beth laughed as she found her footing. “Like a fight fight. I don’t know if I ever told you about my old friend Charity? The one I fell out with? I was just way too drunk to handle myself and threw my drink at her...then it escalated from there.” Fighting was so unlike Beth but it really was the only interesting thing that happened to her in a while. “Ellie eventually pulled me off though and threw her own drink at her too. It was a great sister moment.” She chuckled.

Ella.

"Suppose it always is, isn't it?" the blonde asked, lifting her shoulders in a shrug. "you'll get there some day. you know its just having to do the grunt work first. it'll all pay off," she assured her with a smile. "no i dont think you ever did, but you're going to have to now. what happened with the falling out? and was that the reason for the fight? you threw your drink at her? shut up. i cant believe i missed that."

Beth.

The brunette nodded. She took several deep breathes as she started to feel her body aching from the run. Just a little bit longer for the warm up. She hated cardio and much preferred lifting. "it fucking better, eh?" She sighed again. "Well...I don't know if I told you this either but I was kind of in an abusive relationship back in Toronto. It's one of the reasons I came here...it wasn't just to get to know Ellie better." she began. "Basically Charity saw it for what it was almost immediately because she's honestly toxic as fuck...and it takes one to know one...if you know what I mean. Anyway, at the time I just thought she was jealous or something. So we fell out, and had it out at Throuple. But yeah..." she said as a smile appeared across her face. "it felt pretty damn good."

Ella.

“It will, all in due time,” Ella assured her as best as she could. “Oh shit...” she muttered as the story began and then she continued to listen to her friend. The blonde almost lost her footing getting lost in her own head because had some toxic behaviors herself. She shook her head to clear her mind of that, or at least attempt to. “So even though charity pointed it out to you at the time, she’s not really much better?” Regaining proper footing her glanced over “had it out because of what happened in the past? I guess you’re not in great terms now?” She lifted a brow “I bet it did. Have you ever tried boxing?” It was something Ella got into herself.

Beth.

Beth shook her head. "Yeah she's been the cause of a couple toxic relationships before...and I mean I stayed out of it and let her do her thing, and then she came in and tried telling me what to do. At the same, it was mostly him getting into my head about how bad of a friend she was." she sighed. "Maybe I should apologize." she said, looking straight forward. "No." she said, looking back over at her blonde friend. "There's boxing at this gym! Wanna give me a lesson?" she asked, hopefully.

Ella.

Sighing and shaking her head ella could sort of see the situation from both sides. “That seems like kind of a no win situation you know? I’m sure she was just trying to help but sometimes it hard to see that when you’re in it. Is apologizing and being friendly again something that you’re interested in doing?” Both brows raised and she grinned “you have to try it! And yes to both of those things. That’s what we’re doing next.”

Beth.

Beth shook her head. "You're right. We both kind of lost in that situation. It sucks especially considering that she was right about him after all." Beth shrugged. "I'm not sure if I'm interested in being friendly again with her to be honest...but i do feel like I need to get this off of my chest. It's been weighing on me, ya know?" Beth started turning the speed on her treadmill down. She could feel the beads of sweat collecting on her temples and her heart rate beginning to climb. "Consider me warmed up, then. I'm ready for a lesson, sensei."

Ella.

“People can get in your head for all kinds of different reasons. Sometimes it’s a good thing sometimes it’s not so great..” the blonde told her friend with a shrug. “Well maybe just say something along the lines of you’re sorry that things escalated that you didn’t mean for it to and that you hope you can at least be civil. Or something along those lines?” As they both slowed down the blonde grabbed her water bottle for a sip. “Let’s do this” hopping off the treadmill, Ella led Beth across the gym and into the room with the boxing equipment. “This is my second favorite stress reliever,” grabbing the tape she would wrap beths hands before helping her into the gloves. “Let’s see those hooks you know how to throw,” she smirked, grabbing the pads for her own hands to hold up for Beth.

Beth.

Beth smiled lightly to herself and nodded. Talking to Ella about this was therapeutic, and it was something she hadn't really said out loud to many people before. "Thanks, sorry for the word vomit." The brunette nodded. "Yeah, I don't have any interest in being friends really, but that might be a good thing to say. I just have to find a way to swallow my pride and suck it up and do it." Beth stepped off the treadmill and followed the blonde across the gym. "What's your first favorite?" he asked, raising her brow. Beth held her hands out for Ella to wrap them. This was something that was completely out of Beth's comfort zone, but she trusted Ella so she was actually pretty excited about this. Beth shook her head, but couldn't help but laughing at Ella's sarcastic comments. Beth took a deep breath, and eyed the pads on the other's hands. With her right hand, she took a swing and hit the pad - hard. "Oh!" Beth exclaimed. That felt good. She took another swing with her left arm and hit the other pad. "Damn." she mumbled.

Ella.

“No need to apologize, love!” The blonde assured the other girl. “I’m always here if you want to vent you know that.” She was glad that Beth unloaded what was on her mind, it was good to get that stuff off her chest. “Couldn’t hurt to just clear the air and move on from it,” Ella agreed with a nod of her head. Glancing over at the other Ella made a face as if she should already know the answer “orgasms,” she reminded her with a wink and a laugh. After clapping the two pads on her hands together Ella would hold them up, “alright, hit me.” She paused for a moment “well not me, the pads. You know what I mean.” She nodded and let Beth go at it holding the pads with some resistance “damn girl, you’re a hard hitter. Feels good though doesn’t it?”

Beth.

Beth smiled. This was why her friendship with Ella was so great. She was so easy to talk to and knew just what to say. Beth quickly turned her attention to the pads in front of her. It felt fucking great. To say the least. "Fuck, yes." Now she had remembered by she liked the feeling of fighting Charity at the pride party. After several solid swings, she felt herself working up a sweat. "Alright. Your turn. What do you need to vent about?" she asked her blonde friend, as she took a breather and a few sips from her water bottle.

Ella.

Ella was glad that once in a while her words and advice could be heeded because lord knew that she wasn’t great at taking her own advice. “I know running seems like it clears your mind and all, and don’t get me wrong, running is great once in a while but it’s got nothing on actually punching stuff, ya know?” She replied with a chuckle. The blonde lifted her shoulders in a shrug and then sighed “I slept with my ex and it rekindled all kinds of fucking feelings that I have no idea what to do with.” Ella hated talking about her feelings “that about sums it up.” She hit the two pads together again and attempted to change the subject “go on, have another go” she held them up.

Beth.

Beth nodded. She loved running and the endorphins it gave off when she did. But this...well she may have just found her new favorite stress reliever. "Oh fuck.." Beth raised her brow. She was so taken aback that her stance weaken a little, but she quickly tensed up again so that she could throw another solid punch."Who's your ex? Do I knew him?" she asked curiously. Maybe she was being a little too snoopy but she genuinely wanted to know who this person was. "You wanna take some hits now?" she asked. "Kinda sounds like you need that."

Ella.

Working out was definitely a good stress reliever and Ella was glad that today she had a partner to do it with. “I literally couldn’t help it. It’s like. We’re like...” the blonde was struggling to find the right words, as usual “I don’t know. Like magnets or something , just “ she brought her two hands together in a quick fashion to make her point. “Mal-“ she was quick in correcting herself “Khai.” That’s what everyone else called him. And she was sure Beth probably knew of him it seemed like most people did that was part of why she had such difficultly in the first place. “It’s just complicated,” the dancer sighed. “May as well,” maybe hitting something would relieve whatever these emotions were that she had built up.

Beth.

Beth's jaw kind of dropped a little. It was clear that Ella's life was far more interesting than hers. Making out with exes was something that Beth didn't do frequently...well..making out with anyone was something she didn't do a lot anymore. She had become a bit of recluse since she broke up with her abusive ex. Beth thought for a moment. She had heard his name around but never really met him. "I know of him, but I don't think I've ever actually met him." she reported. "How is it complicated exactly? Tell me all the tea." she joked, as she motioned for her friend to hold out her hands so she can wrap them for her.

Ella.

Ella sighed noticing her friends reaction, she probably would have had a similar one had the tables been turned. “My impulse control has always been shit, but my self control around him is literally non existent,” she explained. “And isn’t that complicated enough in itself?” Part of her was sort of relieved that Beth didn’t know him it meant she didn’t have any preconceived notions of the situation. “We were together for like two years. And we were doing this like, open relationship thing, which was so stupid because we both hated the thought of each other with anyone else. Then he wanted to get married, and proposed, and I totally freaked because.... well for a lot of reasons, and I left.” Ella held her hands out, “and I shouldn’t have. Because now everything’s all fucked up.”

Beth.

Beth laughed as her friend admitted to being weak around her ex. Beth could empathize. She had no idea what she would do if she saw her ex from Toronto in New York. "That's very fair." she mused. Beth shook her head. "Open relationships never work for that reason. My theory is that if you love someone you'd be committed enough to them to sleep with them and only them." she said, wrapping her friend's hands like she did for her. "Jesus, you were engaged? she questioned. She couldn't imagine being engaged at such a young age, then again, she hadn't met anyone she'd be willing to marry like that. "So you broke up with him and regret it I'm gathering?" she asked, putting the pads on her hands.

Ella.

Weak was probably the understatement of the century, but Ella couldn’t think of a more fitting word at the moment. “Yeah you’re right...” she agreed with a nod, what she said about open relationships was completely accurate. “Neither of us really wanted the relationship to be open.. I just.. I don’t know why I went with it. I guess I thought in a way it was protecting myself, like I had a fall back plan keeping someone else waiting in the wings just in case...” it made her sound like such a shitty person and the more she spoke the worst she felt. “I wasn’t engaged ... I just said he proposed... I ... i didn’t say yes.” Closing her eyes briefly she shook her head with a sigh.

Beth.

Beth furrowed her brow. The whole relationship sounded a little strange, then again she didn't have the best track record. "Sounds a little toxic?" she questioned, unsure if she was using the right word. "Good thing you didn't say yes because honestly that could have opened a whole other can of worms." she smiled, sympathetically. "Could've been worse, Ella." she told her. "Have you guys talked since?"

Ella.

Ella was unfortunately acutely aware that she had been the toxic one in the relationship and it wasn’t something she was proud of. “Of it could have ended up being just the two of us happily ever after,” of course it was impossible to be sure about that but she could still assume it might have turned out that way. “Since we slept together? Yeah. We’re still... talking about where to go from here I guess. Taking it slow...” shaking her head she sighed again “and it’s scary as fuck to be honest.”

Beth.

"Maybe..." she trailed off, even though she wasn't too convinced of it herself. But it wasn't her relationships so who was she to judge? She raised her brow, curiously. "Are you still in love with him?" she asked, a mischievous glimmer in her eye.

Ella.

Ella shot her friend a look, she could tell by the way she let her sentence trail off that she didn’t believe that would be the case. Hitting her gloves together the blonde would throw her punches at the pads, not nearly as hard as she would normally, this was all about easing Beth in after all. “Completely,” she admitted with a sigh “I don’t really know how to handle it. Help me!” She laughed.

Beth.

Beth jumped a little when Ella hit the pads, not really expecting that she would have to really hold her stance if Ella wasn't going to knock her on her ass. She tightened up a little, flexing her muscles for a more sold stance. "Girl, I am the last person that should be giving out relationship advice." she admitted with a tiny laugh. "But if I were to give you some advice from the little I know about the situation...It sounds like you can do way better. If the rumors I've heard about Khai is true, then he's got a lot of his own shit he needs to work on."

Ella.

Ella was trying not to go with her usual force but that was also hard to do when there was something on her mind, too. “Clearly I’m not great in relationships either.” She took a few more hits putting more thought into the force behind them this time so it’s wasn’t overbearing “we’ve all got our own shit though don’t we?”

Beth.

"We can get shit at them together then." she admitted, holding her stance for Ella. "Yeah, I guess. But that doesn't mean we need to bare others' as well. Sometimes we gotta just focus on helping ourselves, eh?"

Ella.

“I’m already shit at them!” Ella said with a laugh and a shake of her head. “But isn’t that sort of what you do when you love someone? Take the good with the bad?”

Beth.

Bethany thought about how we're supposed to love the good and the bad about the people you're with. Beth did that. She loved the good and the bad about her ex, and gave him several chances to fix the bad. "Sometimes the good out weighs the bad.." she paused. She didn't want to be a downer on during their gym session. "But ya know...I'm sure Khai was worth it." she mused.

Ella.

“Sometimes it does...” letting out a sigh she could feel her shoulders sinking down some. “I know I probably need to just stop talking about it because I don’t know what will come of it. It’s just like... it consumes my fucking mind, I don’t know what to do.”

Beth.

Beth huffed. "Working out helps." she told her. "I also heard there's a great therapist around here." she suggested. "But you can always talk to me about it, yeah?" she smiled over at her friend. "How about we get some food? I'm starving."

#discord #ella

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ask-the-fusions · 6 years

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I need to get something off my chest that's been bugging me and get ready cause this is kind of a long one. ^_^;;;

It's been brought to my attention from several angles (notices from friends, discord discussions, things ive seen in chats, direcr questions, messanger inqiories, anon messages etc.) And I need to make something very clear:

These characters I call my fusions are not Thomas Sanders' characters. They started out as fusions of his side's and they are heavily inspired by them but the moment I started making in-depth lore, creating backstories and universes and personalities and traits for them, they became their own thing and should be respected as their own thing.

Take away the fusion aspect of their world's and their characters can still actually hold up and so do their backstories with a little tweaking. I could at any time make it so they aren't fusions of the sides and technically I'd only have to make a few tweaks here and there to correct the lore but they'd hold up as characters all on their own. This is very important to me because it means they've grown beyond what they were.

That being said, it is unfair to come into my inbox and tell me I and Star as a comember of this blog are not giving them the right personalities or that we're "doing it wrong".

These characters aren't Thomas's sides any more. Heavily inspired by them, yes, but overall? No.

@teacupfulofstarshine (Star) and myself and with a little help from @sweetest-honeybee (Bumble) (and another whom I have forgotten their name cause it's so late come bully me I'll fix it) and a bit of back and forth with @wisepuma23 but mostly Star, myself and Bumble, have been working hard to bring life into these characters, to giving them siblings and valid ages and dynamics and unique perspectives as characters all in their own and character arcs and goofy times and other such things. We work hard in discussions on lore and possible scenarios and we dedicate so much love and affection into them that needs to be known for what it is.

With Star we've created a presence of additional characters; Viridian being a person with his own troubles and his own stance on things, siblings, enemies, threats, allies, whole world's of different species per world etc. We've talked about Moxie's sister DeeDee and what happens when world's collide and how to handle disabilities of different characters. We've expanded on relationships and dynamics and all we need to do is talk about them now that we've worked out a lot of the unspoken kinks.

With Bumble, we've discussed more of their roles in the household, the possibility of bringing in young cryptids to foster so they can find new homes, of new and amazing creatures and of other possible characters outside of my own little bubble of characters to interact with them.

Honestly we have so much material I'm often thinking about trying to make a book or 4 on them because I think of the three of us actually worked at it, we probably could.

All I'm asking is for the people who love these characters to appreciate the work and love that has gone into making them and refining them and for treating them as what they are instead of enjoying them only for where they originated from and to please stop hounding my inbox with questions as to why I make my characters act a specific way or not.

If you want them to be different you can make your own characters.

I'm just asking you to please just respect my babies and respect the work the three of us are putting into it.

(To the other person who also helped me before, i just cant for the life of me place their name because it's way too late but you know who you are so pop into my messages and call me out because I know you exist and I adore you but I'm just too tired to remember but I promise I respect your contributions and will correct this post as necessary as soon as I remember or you yell at me. ♡ X3 ))

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rvblabyrinth · 6 years

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the formatting’s a little wonky ‘cause i had to paste it from discord messages, but i tried my best, the analysis is under the read more

He asked me how to write Texas, I think I wrote like a full fucking paragraph in response.

& I was like. “Well, depends. Is it her pov or Church’s or someone else?” ’Cause firstly, it depends. Church’s pov? The easiest for me to write because you have to kinda put her in the center of that world because that’s their dynamic, they don’t have to be in love, or really on speaking terms, but they’re both gravitated to each other & that’s important to portraying the dynamic. If it is something where they do love each other, again, she’s the center of the universe & time & time again Church does stupid shit to keep her around.

Some people choose to write her as the villain in some fics, like "she BROKE church's heart. What a heartless, cold bitch" which isn't exactly right imo & it's kinda eh to read imo because I think it can be written better- giving her some sort of motivation in that rather than being quick to be like "fuck Texas. hate that bitch."

But then again, some people just don't like Tex & write her like that because they don't like her, which is what I do with characters that I don't fucking like. If you're writing her from someone else's pov that isn't Church. it's important to include the intimidated part, because like, she's scary. She deadass tries to kill like everyone I think. She is super strong, who would not be at least kinda scared of that?

If you're writing from her pov, it depends if it's Beta or Epsilon-Tex.

Beta is a bit more oriented to her own goals, saying "fuck you" to Freelancer, & killing/tracking down Omega in the beginning. She also knows she's an AI but has to pretend because no one else knows.

Epsilon-Tex is more angry at the fact she was brought back, & is a bit more open with that kind of thing with Church. & this is clear in canon because of:

Tex: I didn't ask to be paired with you. I didn't wanna come back. But I'm here now, so I'm gonna put an end to this.

Tex: You can't even help yourself. That's why you made me, Church. You made me to take on all the things you can't handle. Just like you always have. Well guess what, I'm gonna handle it. Wash and Meta will be coming now. I have some things to get ready.

She's quick to call Church on his bullshit & set it straight

It’s clear she hates the fact that Church is quick to the "we're made for each other." She hates it. She doesn't like being tied against her will, so she fights against it. She's programmed to care about him but that doesn't mean she can't be angry. In a way, she kinda hates him, for what the Director did, for bringing her back, etc. She hates being a "shadow" because she isn't just a caricature of what the Director saw in Allison- she's become her own person but time & time again she's dragged back to where people think Tex = Allison.

So yeah, it's important to highlight these kinds of things in writing, instead of simply brushing it off as "maybe Allison was a bitch. Texas is just aggressive & mean." She's guarded, & you can't necessarily just simplify her entire character because you're removing the depth that separated Texas from Allison & you're conflating them into one

I also think she likes the Reds & Blues more than anyone else because they don't really know Allison, which means they only know Tex & they're not holding up the burden of Allison.

The Freelancers were focused on the rankings, but they also couldn't really be friends with her through that because she was at the top of the leaderboard, too. Like, look at how Carolina acts, Carolina freaks.

Tex considered Carolina a friend at once, but Carolina couldn't see Tex as anything more than competition, something wedged between her & her father, & the favoritism tore Carolina to pieces, which is part of why I think when Carolina survives the fall, she doesn't go back to the MOI. There's nothing left there for her, especially not York, because she knows he's gone.

It kind of severs her & her father completely. I like to think she waited a little to see if anyone was coming. They had to know what happened to her. No one came. He (the Director) gave up on her, & she gave up on trying to salvage the once close relationship they had.

Okay, I headcanon like, after Allison. they got closer, because if he got distant, what would've kept her? She wouldn't have been as competitive in Freelancer. She would've hated her father. They had to have been close, & then the project started, so naturally, he offers her a place. She takes it because she loves her father. They're close.

Then, Alpha creates Beta, & he withdraws. He realizes he has Allison now. so he focuses on that & nothing else matters. Carolina is left in the dark because he doesn't tell her shit, so she gets to the top of the leaderboard- he has to notice her then. Instead, he uses it as a way to pit Tex & Carolina against each other, & that's why she stays. & she sees Tex steal her place, & takes York too.

Carolina doesn't consider York "her man" but they were exclusive. She takes it hard because he was there during the fallout with her father, so it fuels her. fuck Texas. Texas took everything from her. That's why she's so motivated to fight Tex. if she doesn't win, then what does that mean?

When the Director tells her that Texas attacked Wyoming for his AI & his equipment, she accepts it, because that makes sense. She sees a demonized version of Texas. Sigma inherently knows her, & sets her up for his meta thing. He convinces her to take both AIs. He knows she's going to go for it, & he knows that she's distracted with Tex.

I'd like to think he & Gamma & Omega conspired together, too. Sigma acts, in a way, that they're gonna be whole if they get the Alpha & the other fragments, but he wants to be the main personality or fragment or whatever. He doesn't care about becoming part of Alpha again, it's for him.

I think Carolina never exactly "knows" Texas is her supposed to be her mother, in a way? I’d like to think Church & the Director didn't exactly tell her, 'cause she's once like "Did I ever tell you about my mother?" & Church kinda knows because he's the memory of Alpha & the Director, but that's not the most important thing. What's the key here is that in my headcanons, Allison technically chose her work over her family.

Or, to the Director, that's what it seemed like, because you don't see Tex ever really stick around, in a way. She's gone a lot, which makes sense because Allison was in & out on deployments, but she doesn't seem sorry about ever going. So I'd like to think the Director was mad, because she was his everything but it seemed like the reverse wasn't the same. & then he lost her. He never tells Carolina, he's kinda like "Your mother loved you so much," because what the fuck is he supposed to say- "Oh your mother didn't really like us so she kept away until she died in duty," which isn't true but he sees everything in his own way.

They had different habits, & where he showed love one way, Allison showed it another, & he didn't quite understand it, so he & Carolina grow closer when Allison dies- Carolina is all he has left of Allison, & he loves her.

She keeps him grounded where he otherwise would've faded away, & he nurtures her so she can be her best.

It's Project Freelancer's fault. He thinks he can help turn the war with the use of AIs & super soldiers- lovingly taken from one of his colleagues. It's like the SPARTAN-IV program except butchered because that's not his thing. I'd like to think all of the Freelancers had augmentations in a way, like they're less human more something else but nothing like the SPARTANs. & like I've said before, Beta is what fucks everything up.

I'd like to think when he first comes across Beta, it's like Alpha & Beta chatting together. They're having some conversation about philosophy or something, & he has a fucking heart attack

probably drops his cup of coffee. He separates them immediately, has the Counselor rate Beta- Texas for active duty. She gets cleared, & there's something they do so she doesn't really understand she's an AI. However, they do put her in a robot body. They tell her she's a cyborg, which kinda makes sense. They tell her she lost certain things in the war, & it makes sense. It's not entirely right, & she knows it, but she thinks the Counselor is creepy & assumes that's what the bad feeling is. So she integrates successfully into the program, & she quickly rises through the ranks, which pisses off certain people- Carolina & South.

She's sent on solo missions usually before that, to judge how she works out on the field, but it's clear the Director would do pretty much anything she asked. She could ask him for all the AIs & he'd probably (with a bit of hesitation) give them to her. He falls in love with her. He thinks its Allison.

When she finds out she's an AI, that she's Beta, after CT dies, it severs anything that the Director had for her, in a way. He's more bitter, because she's just like Allison. She withdraws. She goes rogue. She takes Agent York with her. Both the Director & Carolina hurt from it, like father like daughter. Except at this point, the Director is kinda fucked up.

He's been torturing a version of himself, committing a bunch of crimes, he's kind of lost any sense of like... shame I think? Anything that's necessarily good.

He wants Agent Texas back, but he also, on the side, keeps trying to "fix" her. He wants his wife back, he wants her to stay this time, like he begged.

But that's never how Texas comes out.

She comes out angry, all fists & bitterness & he doesn't fucking understand. He gets really frustrated about it, & when Carolina "dies", he's more preoccupied. Maybe, in a way, he thinks that if he could make Tex, he could fix her & just as easily bring back a Carolina.

Or, her armor sends out a recovery beacon, but it eventually stops, when he doesn't send anyone for it 'cause the ship crashed & they need to get their shit together, & then they have to deal with the meta. They say Carolina's KIA, but somewhere, deep down, he knows she's not.

Carolina returns home from then, hides away on a little planet & recovers. She hates her father. She decides she's gonna take down Project Freelancer. She's not the only one. Washington knows everything, as much as he fucking wants to forget it. He buries any positive feelings he had for Project Freelancer, friends & everything gone. York looks for Carolina, but gives it up quickly.

York's not like the Director in many ways, & he moves on where the Director never could

& the Director never could because he never got to settle it. He was angry at Allison for leaving, he was angry that she didn't put him & Carolina first. He could never move on.

It's hard to get over something when you don't get closure, & that's exactly what he didn’t get. He got into an argument with Allison, a quick conversation before she had to go fight, limited because they're not allowed to have anything more than a few minutes since the Covenant can track human comms. She was angry at him. He didn't apologize. He thought he had more time., his last words were something like "I'll talk to you later. Someone has to take care of our daughter."

Allison hates when he does that kind of thing. She's a good parent, she can't help that she's a fucking soldier, can't he lay off? Their relationship is stressed in a way it wasn't before. The deployment was only good because it kept them apart, but it was also the main stressor.

Leonard tries to convince her to take a position closer to him & Lina. She denies it (in my hcs she's an ODST & there's nothing like being an ODST, so she'd have issues adjusting) & that's another thing they fight about. This dynamic also pops up in Beta & Alpha, because they argue quite a bit, but it's usually alpha instigating it.

It also comes up in Epsilon & his Tex, because she's honest with him. She's tired of being brought back, can't he let her rest? But epsilon takes it (at first) as an attack on him.

Why can't she do something for him, for once?

It’s only within the unit that he works through it. It's always been his fault.

#allison church #leonard l church #the director #alpha ai #epsilon ai #agent texas #beta ai #epsilon tex #agent york #agent washington #character analysis #also my headcanons #it took me a full hour to write this originally last night #rvb #red vs blue

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formulatemotif · 4 years

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just. cut it all off with aiden and ruby today

i said this:

hey guys. i don’t know how to say this. the past few years of being both of your guys’s friends has been really fun, and i think, when i was younger, that we had some good times. now, though, i’m not the same person, and i don’t think that you are, either. i definitely see the merit in a lot of our interactions, but lately i feel like i’ve been experiencing a lot more of the bad than the good. trust me when i say that i know i’ve made my fair share of fuckups in the past, but they don’t seem to equal everything that has been done to me in return. it may not be intentional (and i totally get that!) but i don’t think this is sustainable for me anymore.

please know that this is really hard for me to do. i cherish the memories we’ve made together and all the time i’ve spent with both of you. i care about you even now, and all i’ve ever wanted is for you two to be happy. i know it seems counterintuitive that i’m doing this, but at some point i have to do what is best for me. i have mulled over this for several months now. you absolutely have the right to be upset, and you can air your grievances as much as you want, i’m all for that. i don’t want to guilt trip you at all; you can say exactly how you feel.

then ruby said something along the lines of “i was expecting this, i will really miss you” and i took it in the worst way i was like wtf ur fine then ? fuck u! heres what i said before i blocked them on discord like a middle schooler

i guess i always cared more than you did, but for future reference, please don’t trail people along the same way you did me. all those times you reassured me of our friendship hurts more than anything. i can’t believe i poured so much of myself into this relationship and i’m met with apathy at its closure. i am distraught and you’re completely fine. i really don’t want to leave things on a bad note but i had to say that. i hope you do well in the future

thennnn they said this to me on imessage:

i know this is probably really rude to send on here after you already stopped messaging me on discord but i just really wanted to get this across. im sorry i came off as apathetic, i know i have a habit of doing the ‘everything is fine!’ bit after something major, but im still kind of processing everything and i didnt want to come off as mad or upset with you for your decision. its tearing me whats going on and to lose someone so dear to me that ive known for so long. there were so many times you were there for me when i didnt deserve it or didnt even want to admit i needed someone there for me in the first place and im so grateful to have had you as a friend. ive been distraught and practically bawling since i got home just figuring out how to feel about all of it and the last thing i want is to leave off the way it is right now. things have gotten so strained between us but really do i care about you and the years we spent together and i just want you to be ok. please dont feel like you have to respond, i just wanted to get this across. im sorry again

and i was like. duh why tf did i freak out like that. and now i feel really guilty. i said this tho

thanks for reaching out, im sorry i cut you off and took it in the worst way possible. you were a really good friend to me too and i don’t want things to end poorly either because i care about you so so so much. im so glad you respect my decision, and maybe we could be friends again someday, but you know how i feel for now. i really really really hope for the best for you

and aiden still aint really said shit but he has been all snippy w me although i have been snippy w him. he picked up his clothes and rubys stuff too

maybe im just like. not a good friend at all. you know. maybe Theyre the ones that need better friends because .

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pidgezero-one · 6 years

Text

assorted thoughts about the state of my stream and discord server

haven't been doing the stream thing a whole lot lately, and that's mostly because of a couple of things

1) i've been very busy with commissions (see https://twitter.com/pidgezero_one/status/972189424955088897 for info) - this is good!

2) i've been kinda sick lately, symptoms of chronic fatigue syndrome. don't think this is what I actually have, but it was wild to be sleeping 10-11 hours a day after 10 hours of commuting+working. my job is not physically demanding or mentally draining, and i'm fairly certain that my exhaustion was partially caused by other ppl's personal drama surrounding me. this is bad

so anyway, i've completely emotionally checked out of the situations contributing to reason #2, and it's a bad feeling, but i definitely feel healthier and less tired. but this in part led to me kinda reconstructing my discord server to:

a) be less "intense" of a social environment - not only was the serious talk channel being used in ways that are not really appropriate for a public stream discord (which I think contributed to an atmosphere which would be alienating to many members), it was also feeling kinda cliquey at times and it felt strange to me that I couldnt even keep up with my own server most of the time. i wanted it to be somewhere chill where anyone who watches my stream can contribute without having to be part of an established friend group, but at the same time the LAST thing I want is to discourage people from forming close friendships with each other (seriously, if that can happen because of a community I created, that's a personal victory for me)! finding that balance is an ongoing learning process I guess. i think removing the channel in question was prob the best compromise here.

b) include more dedicated channels related to my stream content. i've spent the last few days brainstorming sub perks and such and am kinda working on that in the background. chances are everyone in my discord is there because they either like my stream or like being friends with me, so it probably ought to be easier to find stuff in there related to my stream

i kinda hope that ppl who have been active there before and have fallen off will start to come back, but also that ppl who are active there wont feel like im trying to make our home a sterile place. just trying to find that inclusive balance

as for frequency/content:

i've got a ton more art commissions to do, but tonight i'll be resuming doing art streams. i think i've been burning myself out pushing myself to get through my entire queue before I even think about streaming, when in reality balancing my time throughout the week will result in higher quality work.

i'm on a huge smrpg kick right now, and that means running whatever category I feel like. that means i'm returning to any% as soon as I finish rebuilding my strat chart. I pbed culex RTA yesterday, I routed and ran an all bosses category for fun, and MOTS is the most fun ive ever had with speedrunning, but I do wanna go back to the real category as well.

early morning streams have been good to wake me up, for the foreseeable future this will just be idiot pills 1-10 as it's all I have time for in the morning. so far i've short-streamed every weekday at 6 am for two weeks and plan on keeping the habit up.

on the side i'm resuming dkc2 and AC. casually I wanna play the nier games, alttp, super metroid, ff9 in the nier (heh) future

a tougher topic: i'm not really sure where to go with the presentation of my stream. i've always just done, said, and played whatever I felt like. for the most part I want to keep doing that, but there are some overhauls i'm considering, namely i've been thinking for a while about making my stream more pg. i'm approaching 30 and many of my friends have young kids at home and i don't want to be off limits to them because i'm swearing too much or being inappropriate or whatever. at the same time, the viewers who built the community I already have, have done so and participated under my long history of relative lack of rules to enforce, which has been clearly enjoyable for them considering the wonderful support i've gotten, and I absolutely don't want to alienate them either. this doesn't have an easy answer and is something i'll have to think about for a while.

another thing that's been nagging at me for a while: meme typecasting! I get blamed a lot for "encouraging it", but if you really pay attention... read my tweet history, discord messages, twitch chat messages, etc, see for yourself there really aren't that many memes there lol. you know what it's like when you make 1 joke around somebody and then references to that joke become the only things they *ever* say to you, and then you don't know how to say "ok, that's getting kinda stale" without sounding like a jerk? this is how I feel when like I try to say something serious and am just met with a wall of emote spam or my sentence rephrased with a random word replaced with "dicks" for example. idk what I even do that encourages it, is it just the fact that I don't say anything when it happens? I really don't like to be the fun police and don't like to be a jerk about harmless jokes and just wanna be grateful that people enjoy saying anything to me at all, but man, being pigeonholed as something i'm very clearly not gets kinda tiring :( there's not really a good way to have everyone in the world understand the concept of moderation, is there? either way i don't really like when it gets outta control in my chat/discord, but that doesn't mean I want ppl to stop making those jokes *entirely*, you know? because I do the whole nonsense spam in chats too, but I also make it a point to know when it's too much and also have it not be the *only* thing I do -- it's harmless at the end of the day and people are just having fun, but still feels kinda invalidating when it's all the time lol

stream monster-y stuff also annoys me more than it should. ive thought several times about censoring "rip" and emotes like "NotLikeThis" from my chat lol. also not a big fan of ppl who go overboard with joking insults, theres maybe only 2 or 3 ppl who can do this with me and have me actually find it funny, and I doubt any of them are reading this. i just make a point of not responding to it because there's nothing to gain from openly getting mad about it

I have no illusions about obtaining partnership. it would be nice to have, but it's not something i'm actively pursuing or really care about. any changes I make to my stream/community are being considered for what would make it more fun for me and more accessible for anyone who likes me or the things/games I stream, and that's what makes it toughest

just some thoughts for now, i'm just gonna keep doing what I feel like doing going forward.

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arvoze · 7 years

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man, this was sent like, nearly 2 weeks ago or w/e, and i completely ignored it bc i didnt have the energy/ability to care (you literally sent these when it was between 1 - 2am my time) but, it was recently brought to my attn that you put both me + lal in your byf (because i.... banned you from a server i guess, and that means lals at fault too?) so.

i guess it’s high time i answer this lmao. maybe you wont even see this. maybe youll vague abt me for the next few weeks and try and make me out to be a bad person, but i dont care lol. anyways this is under a cut bc its pointless drama i guess. ask 2 tag

additionally: this isnt rly meant to act as a callout post. but since u asked on anon (and im pretty sure we’re mutually blocked) i cant really talk about this privately. this is mostly just.. well. answering your question. ive written this little paragraph after i’ve written everything below, so like, idk dude, it happens sometimes, i get rly heated abt shit and then cool down after a while. so this is wild.

edit: i havent read this thru nor do i care about reading it through. are there a bunch of typos? probably. dont care though

i dont rly have the energy to pull up Everything esp because that lke.... requires going thru so many discord messages adn i really just. dont care enough to sift through everything

“but if u dont care why are you writing this” shut up u wanted answers didnt u lol

nyways heres just . some shit lmao

man firstly let’s deal w your post abt my server

+ dont worry! ive got it archived in case u delete it bc who knows what ud do lol. nyways

lets just do some breakin apart on this:

i was lterally shaking at the time and having my OWN panic issues but i guess you dont rly take that into consideration lol?

this is one of the biggest exaggerations like ... you made it sound like the server was some big special place jdfghdkj theres literally 4 mods and 2 of them didnt even talk to you. the other 2 were me and lal

like half of the server isnt even fucken active on the server and the majority of the other half dont even care about unfollowing/blocking u. what a wild assumption. thts the funniest shit 2 me

please you literally sent me 3 asks when it was way too early in the morning 4 me expecting me to reply as if it was possible for me to give u all the reasons in like 10 minutes jesus christ

ths is one of the ugliest posts ive ever seen + this was posted before you were banned frm the server. several ppl in the server have bpd + i was absolutely not willing to have smeone who says this sht abt their illnesses around (re: the whole “not actively in therapy” and shit. fuck off lol)

here’s some other stuff on my list that you might remember:

(kin stuff) being fully aware that my brother wasn’t - and still isn’t - okay with doubles with a specific character, and that you were specifically warned whilst he was offline, and you knew this was the case, yet decided that your best way of explaining something was..... fuck dude, whats the wording you used? “i’d say but some people here aren’t ok with doubles” or some shit which is! literally just as bad! and tht shit has fucked my bro up so severely tht he still fuckn..... thinks abt + the shit uve said In General (shrugging emoji)

heres a fucken wild ride for u: ur the reason he left th server anyways and why the second i banned u i was immediately happy because holy shit i can talk to my bro again bc i could invite him back! to a chat where he doesnt have to deal w someone who causes him constant panic attacks! wowee

lets not forget me expressing my extreme distaste of lying [person] + r.idged.og + ridg.epho.s but u completely ignoring that shit (+ wowie remember when u said lying was yr friend and that you didnt like me venting negatively abt them bc my nasty experiences r somehow less important than ?? tht shit??? lol anyways)

god the entire fucking drama w the lying shit . i cant believe i was on yr side for a while jdfghkj. that whole fiasco was so shitty. nyways thts nothing to do w me its just something that made so many ppl uncomfy

remember when you left the lying chat and then vented to us about shit but then rejoined the lying chat unbeknownst to us + caused shit again (surprise, i know about that)

you, generally, made several people uncomfortable (myself included), and as the owner of the server, i’d much rather kick one person from the server than have several people being uncomfortable. but if that’s an unreasonable thing to do then please, inform me, because that’s news to me.

whilst i dont support alex or alex’s partner in any way, shape or form (before u try and call me a fucken apologist/supporter/whatever lol), the blatant deliberate misgendering of alex’s partner on your byf was extremely shitty of you (which has since been fixed, but yikes).

(kin stuff) pretending to not be a double around lal, knowing he’s not comfortable with doubles (which, maybe you’re not! but given you’re kin w mc.ree + got that in your byf, and don’t have anything abt not follwing if ur x.phos in ur byf...... boyo)

god theres more but im not willing to dig up all the shit + also dont want to ask other ppl about their personal problems bc thats exposing them to a past/experience they probably want to forget about/never revisit

if u found this? congratulations. you got your answers.

if ur gonna vague abt me? go ahead. i dont really see what ive done wrong lmao.

also, re: why i didn’t tell you anything at all,

i was having a panic attack and almost throwing up

i kept trying to find reasons to keep you in the server, because i didn’t want problems to arise

i will literally never talk to ppl abt this kinda shit privately bc i dont want people to feel bad but 2 late

#jack dont look #bluespace #drama i guess but idk #ive been meaning to get this off my chest for a while but ehhh #i didnt talk abt the thing that pushed me to do stuff but its like ... not rly worth mentioning i guess #ths is sometthing ppl can skip over idc i just wanted to finally answer this

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patchdotexe · 5 years

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So, I have a character who is a system, and I wanted to know before I develop them further, how does DID work, from a personal account? I really really really don't want to accidentally create yet another TOXIC misinterpretation of a real condition (because I know how horrible that can feel), and I hope I'm not saying anything wrong even now. (P.S. I love your blog, but I'm too shy to come off anon.)

hey anon!! it means a LOT to me that you sent this message :D theres a lot of really messy-bad potrayals of DID in the media so seeing people actually going to the effort of asking systems abt their experiences is really heartwarming for us. (plus the fact that ppl keep asking us in specific abt system stuff omg,,)

im gonna preface this by saying that, in the end, i can only really talk about my own experiences with full confidence. systems can work pretty differently from each other, but this is how we function and also some details ive noticed from system friends + general discussion over the years

so, to start off: Dissociative Identity Disorder is, at its core, your brain trying to respond to trauma in a pretty severe way. that being said there ARE systems that didnt experience severe trauma and still developed, and im not really sure about the mechanics behind that but i find it really cool and it totally exists. im gonna focus on trauma-based systems bc that’s our ~tragic backstory~ and also tends to be what most people opt for when creating system characters anyway, but the only real difference from what i can tell is, uh, a lack of trauma.

I HOPE YOU’RE READY FOR ME TO SAY THE WORD “TRAUMA” A WHOLE LOT JFC

(system friends are welcome to reblog with corrections or added info!!)

anyway. the way your brain responds to things is really weird. if something happens where you’re just, like, completely unable to handle it, like you dissociate yourself so hard because there’s no way you can manage this, your brain has a chance of going “uh… well, fuck, uh” and generating somebody who can manage it. or it might decide to be a dick and take all of the fucky internalized garbage and turn it into a person whose sole existence is to be an asshole. (they have the potential to get better, i think… ours didnt.) honestly theres a bunch of reasons and a bunch of “roles” that could lead to an alter/headmate* forming.

* we use the terms interchangeably depending on mood and whos fronting. i think its supposed to be “alter” is DID, “headmate” is implication that theyre non-traumatic? we like using “headmate” because it brings this fun mental image of us being a bunch of roommates constantly starting shit with each other and goofing off which is pretty accurate about 75% of the time

i keep getting distracted bc my cat is here. this is gonna be fun to go back and edit.

whatever the original situation is, you’re suddenly not alone in your own brain. and it’s REALLY WEIRD. communication was VERY hard. Icarus, our system original, used to do a very “cliche” thing of sharing a journal with their early headmates, where theyd write a sentence and then theyd write a reply (although back then they didnt realize that was a system-related thing and just thought they were having a fun conversation with their ocs. which… they were, just. Actually Talking.) they didnt have any inward perception of themself or their headmates either, so that kinda built up over time (with some help) along with the appearance of our headspace so that there was… actually a location for people to interact in. once they had a better awareness of things, mental communication got a bit easier– its sort of like background chatter really, when everybody’s awake. sometimes i get weird out of context things from Mae yelling at somebody, or sometimes ill be talking to a friend and someone’ll butt in.

when talking out loud, this usually leads to us suddenly stopping and then laughing or going “no!!!”. when on discord and around people who know who we are… well.

speaking of Mae, she’s pretty much my sister. not like… biologically? because i don’t think thats possible for me, but shes kinda literally my “other half” which ill get into later. headmates can have strong attachments to other alters! friends, best friends, family, dating, whatever. they can also do that with people outside the system, and itll be different for each headmate. there’s like 4 people dating Jorb but i just see him as one of my best friends. we’re people and we have complex social interactions that can get to be kind of a nightmare when you’re around a bunch of people who don’t know that you’re Not Leo and that youre suddenly not super up to existing around people in general.

plus even if like… so Jorb’s dating 4 of us like i said, but his relationship w/ each of them is different? Ica is very clingy and likes rambling to him, Summer’s pretty much just always happy to hang out, Mae makes fun of him a lot but in a loving way, and Leo is… kinda “all of the above” because that’s his gimmick. plus even tho a few other alters have a sibling-ish relationship with Mae like i do, usually its just me and Mae that do the “chaos siblings” bit.

the basic system.. thing… is that there’s “front”, which is being in control of the body– so, like, i’m currently fronting/in front, because im the one currently active and using our computer and staring at our cat.– and then theres the headspace, where everybody hangs out when theyre not in front. the headspace itself can differ in style & functionality for each system, and i think theres some systems that dont really have a location at all? but for us its like a full on location where we have individual rooms, places to visit if we get bored while away from front, etc.

theres also like, being at/near/away from front? so currently im in front, but Leo is pretty much always lurking nearby if he’s awake (we have individual sleep schedules that dont always sync up to the “irl” one, Trust is almost always sleeping), Ica’s somewhat in the back talking to Rookie so i cant really make out what theyre saying (its probably about either a youtube thing they both like or about a comic they want to do), and everyone else is either asleep (in which case they could be nearby but i cant currently “ping” them, so id have to actually take a sec to ground myself in headspace more) or in a different room. communication is easier if im in front and somebody is nearby, or it can be like with Ica rn where im like “well, theyre talking, but i have no idea what theyre saying and am making a guess based off their usual interactions”, or i could pass off front to go talk to Ica and come back (in which case my memory would be kind of vague and weird because information doesnt always properly translate), oooor i could actually go bug them while still in front. which.. im not gonna do rn bc then id get super distracted.

switching front differs between systems a lot! and even varies from day to day. like there are days where we wake up and we have absolutely no idea who we are bc we went to bed as one person and woke up as another. or we could be talking to somebody and then realize “wait, i stopped being Leo a bit ago, who am i”. or we could pass off front to somebody, like if Summer really wanted to front sie’d run up to me and let me know and we’d swap. or if something critical happens (usually a breakdown), Leo or one of the other headmates that’re more built to handle stressful situations will literally drag somebody out of front to make sure they dont hurt themself. or sometimes we throw front at people unexpectedly, like either mid-breakdown where we go “okay i dont wanna be here anymore, tag youre it” or sometimes because we think its funny because its the metaphysical equivalent of getting clonked in the head with a dodgeball, except the dodgeball is “being in control of our shared physical form”. usually mae’s the one that does that lmao

there’s a couple major categories of how alters come about. there’s “walk-ins”, where they kinda just… appear externally? like they just show up. sometimes we get a feeling of “huh. i think somebody might be here? or somebody might be showing up soon.” and have to rummage around for a while until they approach us or we find them. our walk-ins aren’t like, inherently aware of system stuff at first, so they usually get a crash course before they first front (if they choose to front at all) and it can be kinda entertaining. Rookie’s a walk-in! also Hiro, from a couple years ago. most of our walk-ins are fictives (fictional characters, usually appearing in response to us getting extremely attached to something or somebody) but a couple of our trauma splits are also fictives so that’s not like, a Rule or anything. i think these are mostly associated with non-traumatic systems but we get em fairly often so man idk

theres also… uh, i dunno what theyre actually called? we used to call them “constructs” but that sounds kind of mean. these alters exist to fill a specific role! and we usually dont talk about them on here with the exception of one major one, they just kinda hang out. Dhe exists to keep the system stable and manages the “backend” so to speak. Imp is kind of a mix of our intrusive & impulsive thoughts that came about from us trying to separate ourself from them so that we had an imaginary entity to go “nope!” at, which… stopped being imaginary, and is now a gremlin that lives in my brain. they can show up in response to trauma but arent split off of somebody, they kinda just pop into existence to help manage things.

the more… well-known, i guess? alter origin is “trauma splits”. rather than “just showing up one day with no real connection to the system origins”, trauma splits are formed when somebody in-system, uh, splits. it could be in response to a single situation or something built up over a long time, but somebody just kinda breaks and somebody new that has a bit of the original alter’s identity (if kinda influenced by the situation) shows up.

this can vary. All is a trauma split off of Leo himself, who got saddled with all of our brain hell about our ex and their insystem appearance is influenced more by eir than by leo which is… something they struggle with. Mae has a trauma split from a similar situation that is “Mae but from 2 years ago”, so basically her old identity before she reworked herself after getting put through total hell. and then uh… then there’s me and Mae! Icarus quite literally exploded into several people, with Pat (me) and Mae being the most distinct ones. we’re STILL finding out alters used to originally be a part of them that later evolved into their own people, like Summer and Toby. my identity is shaped pretty heavily not just by who Ica was at time of splitting, but also what they wanted to be jumbled together with trying to rationalize what was happening to them (they’re a pretty big fan of megaman star force, which has a media-typical system in it, so they leaned into hard “its like pat and rey from mmsf! i like pat, i wouldnt mind being like pat, its scary but im like one of my current favourite characters” and so i ended up being like, half-weird shapeshifter, half-green-haired prettyboy. and yeah thats where my name comes from!)

(Ica got put back together w/o anybody needing to integrate, which we were all very scared about, and it’s still kind of surreal to me because… me and Mae used to be able to stick ourself back together and thats how we found out about what happened to Ica in the first place? and we havent tried that since bc we have no idea what would happen. Ica 2: Ica Harder?)

despite their origins, trauma splits can be way more than… being a split. :V;; Toby’s not just a tiny splinter of Ica, he’s a quiet guy that gets stressed out and isn’t totally sure how to interact with people. i’ve existed for like 7 years at minimum and im a totally different person than i was when i thought i was still Ica, ‘cause ive had time to grow and change (and a problem Ica keeps running into now that theyre back is… they kinda Didn’t change because they were MIA for 6 years.) like everything else though this is variable– there can be “temporary” splits that dont develop properly and might get integrated back in, which has only happened to us when we were at the lowest point in our life where we were stuck constantly splitting to try and cope with whatever the hell was going on.

so Ica was gone for 6 years, which meant our system was without an original or main– there wasn’t anybody to be head of the system, basically. for a while i was operating under the assumption that i was Ica, so i filled in that role for a few years before i made the realization. eventually i kinda… stopped being able to, though, bc of stability issues, and then we were back to not really having a proper main anymore. to make up for it, we started going by Leo collectively and kinda… trying to pretend to be a single person? and so that ended up creating a construct to fill the role of “system main and the person we pretend to be when passing as singlet/not a system”: Leo himself! he’s kinda the most prominent traits we all have in common rolled into a single guy, which means that not only is he a pretty good system representative but we can also pretend to be him pretty easily (unless it’s someone like Toby who acts totally different). i dont know how common this situation is, i think normally it’s just “if system original is gone, another alter steps up” like originally happened to us before i had a severe case of problems disorder.

uhhh this is very rambley bc there’s a Lot to cover and now im trying to figure out how much of it i HAVE covered. systems are complicated and weird! OH WAIT okay i have one last bit.

so like, for us, first realizing we were a system was total hell. we fought a lot. as more alters showed up through various means, there were times where Ica felt like they were completely out of control of their own life bc of having to manage everything. there were a lot of panic attacks of people fronting and not being sure they were even REAL, despite… being in front. but we still felt like we were deluding ourself. this was in, like, late 2011, so systems weren’t a THING. they were a very fringe community that everyone hated. we got constantly harassed, which only fed into Ica’s panic hell and our identity issues. interpersonal relationships became a nightmare, especially because we have BPD as well which varies in severity for each of us but… for me it’s pretty bad! there were times early on where every day was another fun new breakdown from us arguing with each other or our friends or not being understood or… etc.

so… how are we holding up ~7 and a half years later? pretty well, actually! we talk to each other. we do things for each other, like buy food or games we know specific headmates like. Ica is back and way happier than they were in 2011, and is thrilled to get to hang out with everybody that’s showed up since. we help each other through problems, because at the end of the day our system ended up being a support network. Ica couldnt function on their own, so we’re like… 10+ people working together to try and be a single functional person. and we feel pretty okay with that! we still fight, and we still start shit, but we’re not in constant crisis anymore. we’re still working through all of our trauma, especially the more “recent” stuff that kinda broke our system for a while until we were able to start rebuilding, but we’re doing it together. :D

so… yeah, it can start out as a stereotypical “nightmare system”, with constant infighting and toxicity and self-sabotage and etc. but we worked through it! it took a while, but we’re overall more stable than we were before. we got out of the bad environment that was fucking us up, we got mental help for our other brain hell (we havent been able to bring up the system to our therapists bc its literally a non-issue now and we focus more on other things like our depression, anxiety, PTSD, etc), we found people that support us for being us, and we were able to like… figure things out. and it was a mess! i still have issues about my own identity because of literally thinking i was someone else for two years. Ica’s still trying to figure out how to adjust to things, especially bc they missed our entire “cringe culture” phase so they came back to find that i’d dismantled a lot of their middle-school settings. and, uh, some of their friendships as well.

systems are fuckin weird

#leo chirps #leos reply #system shit #i dont think i covered EVERYTHING #and im not sure how coherent this is #but i tried! :D #Anonymous #ask #pat.txt

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