#ive read like 60 chapters today

[sl33pycr0w]

Rokuro x peeny-weeny old man yoai when?!??!!

[dfortrafalgar]

I'm Losing You

Having a family isn't always as easy as fairy tales make it seem.

Warnings: Read chapter 1 for warnings. This chapter is also quite a bit shorter than the rest, the fic begins picking up speed once more after this chapter!

Taglist: @phsycochan | @mirillua | @augustanna | @chaixsherlock

Chapter 11

[Prev] [Next]

About one month passed since you were referred to the outpatient surgical center for your diagnostic laparoscopy, and you were just now starting to realize the extent of your husband’s vast reputation in the medical world.  Especially in your city where every doctor’s office, clinic, and hospital was owned by the same conglomerate.  As you sat on a gurney in a private waiting room, an IV fluid drip attached to your wrist, Law sat in a chair beside you with his head in his hands.

“If I have one more person ask me for my autograph, I swear…” he muttered.  Four nurses, two medical students, the receptionist, and the attending surgeon who would be overseeing your procedure today had taken the time to grace Law with their presences and ask for his autograph.

You were laughing, much to your brooding husband’s displeasure.  “It’s like you’re some kind of sports superstar!  An Olympic athlete in cardiothoracic surgery.”  You reached your hand off of the bed to ruffle his wispy black hair.

“It’s embarrassing,” he griped.

“Well I think it’s adorable, and I’m your wife, so you can’t disagree with me,” you retorted swiftly, puffing out your chest.  Law tossed a glance upward at you, but smirked when he saw your prideful expression.

Who was he to deny you?  Especially on such a big day.

The door to the small waiting room opened and in stepped one of the attending nurses of your procedure who, thankfully, had no idea who Law was.  He was finally able to relax in his seat as he surveyed the young woman putting on your blood pressure cuff, your blood-oxygen monitor, and checking your IV fluid bag.

“Alright, Mrs. Trafalgar, you’re ready to go in!” she stated with an unmatched enthusiasm.  “The operation should be no longer than 30 minutes and you’ll be under general anesthesia.  Is your husband going to be your ride home?”

You nodded.  “Yes he is.”

The nurse clapped her hands and removed the blood pressure cuff from your arm.  “Perfect, then we’ll get you wheeled into the OR shortly!”  She turned her attention to Law, who was now sitting upright in his chair.  “Mr. Trafalgar, I’m going to have to ask you to wait in the larger waiting room.”

Law finally stood, wiping his sweaty hands on his jeans.  Before he left, he turned to place a kiss to your forehead, squeezing your hand and whispering something out of earshot from the nurse.

“You’re gonna do great, I’ll be waiting for you.”

—

Around 60 minutes had passed when Law got the call that you were in recovery and were being woken up from anesthesia, which was much longer than the timeline he expected.  He rushed to the outpatient recovery unit, anxious for both the results of your exploratory surgery and just to see you.  When he rounded the corner into your sectioned off area, he found you already sitting up in bed, a little less coherent than you usually were, but conscious nonetheless.  He smiled, beyond relieved.  He immediately took his spot at your side, placing his hand on your head and pressing a smattering of kisses across your cheeks and forehead.  (He needed to get his affection in quickly before anyone could bear witness to his softer side.)

You were giggling, easily a byproduct of the sedatives.  “Lawww~ your hair keeps itching meeee~” you moaned.

“I’m sorry, my love.”  He pressed one more kiss to your temple before sitting in the chair situated off to the side, scooting it closer to the bed so he could hold your hand in his.  “How are you feeling?”

You closed your eyes, your pupils still adjusting to the bright LED lights in the ceiling.  “Tired, but I feel fine.”  You smiled.  “The doctors kept talking about you in the OR.”

Now it was Law’s turn to grumble, dropping his head in embarrassment.  “Great,” he muttered, heavy sarcasm coating his tongue.

The curtain surrounding your sectioned-off portion of the small recovery ward was parted slightly as your attending surgeon popped his head in.  “Hey, hey, hey, can I come in?”

Law immediately swapped his discontented attitude with one of professional optimism as he returned the surgeon’s smile.  “Of course, doc.”

The bubbly man entered the room with a clipboard filled with notes and charts, mostly printed out from a computer.  He shuffled through the mismatched papers before finally turning his attention to your husband, who sat as still as a statue, though his eyes exuded impatience as he waited for the surgeon to speak.

“Well, firstly I must apologize for the longer timeframe than what was initially discussed,” he began.  “Fortunately, your wife’s suspected endometriosis appeared to be only around what we call ‘Stage 2,’ which is to say, on the milder side.  We managed to remove a decent amount of accumulated tissue from the outside of her uterus, however she did have a few cysts on her left ovary which we took samples of for biopsy.  Ovarian cysts are common with endometriosis patients, but we like to be on the safe side and check them in the lab just in case.”

From your bed, you made a small cooing sound, as if you were cheering in a library.  “Yaayyy for no cancer!”

Your surgeon laughed, but Law kept his expression pointed and focused.  Obviously it was amazing that your case wasn’t as severe as you feared, but Law was thinking about the long term.  He gazed at the surgeon, internally scrutinizing his up-beat attitude.  “Do ovarian cysts pose a fertility risk?”

The surgeon shook his head.  “Some do, some don’t, it really depends on the type.  Just from a visual standpoint, your wife’s cysts didn’t look like endometriomas, nor does she have any signs of PCOS, so my assumption is that her fertility should remain the same.”  He shuffled a few more papers around on his clipboard before procuring what appeared to be your patient chart and handing it to Law.  “As always, though, check with her gyno to be on the safe side.  You should expect to hear a call about the biopsy results within two or three days, and until then, make sure your wife stays at home to recover for at least four days.  Her next few bowel movements might be strange, but other than that her recovery should be quick.  The phone number for this facility is on her patient chart though, should you have any questions.”

Law finally had to swallow his pride and admit that, despite the surgeon’s… bubbly persona, he was incredibly thorough and educated.  The black-haired man stood from his chair and offered a tattooed hand to his distant colleague, which the latter man took with enthusiasm in a firm, cordial shake.

“I truly appreciate it, thank you,” Law uttered quietly.  “Are we expected to be discharged today?”

The surgeon nodded.  “A nurse will come by with her discharge paperwork in another hour or so once your wife has woken up a bit more.  She has directions on what to do for recovery and all that.  I imagine you already know a decent bit about post-op recovery, though,” he responded with a cheeky smile.

Law grimaced.  “I suppose I do.”

[lostinlads]

hi im back for another yap session

so currently im finishing chapter 3 of the sylus fic (will be released today after i reread and edit)

and i was thinking, im at 60 smth followers, what if i release the first chapter of zayne's fic when i reach 100? I wanted to do something special but i dont have any ideas for like one shots or anything so maybe ill do that idk

but yeah dance with the devil chapter 3 is coming out today and xavier's will be out soon as well! i hope youre all enjoying everything, and thank you all for the love and support ive gotten. I cant wait for yall to read these.

mwah mwah ily all

[questionsonislam]

Why do we say tasbihat 33 times? What are the narrations regarding the issue?

There are keys that fit material locks; some secrets that are like spiritual locks have some appropriate keys that fit them.

If you do not use the key that fits the lock, you cannot be successful. For instance, your email account has a password.If you type in a wrong password, you cannot access your mailbox. A certain number of tasbihat or salawat needs to be said for some divine secrets to be revealed. If this number is ignored deliberately, it is impossible to attain that divine secret. However, if someone says tasbihat a wrong number of times by mistake, the mercy of Allah Almighty will accept it. It is something different.

How to do tasbihat and what duas (supplications) and tasbihat to read were determined by the Prophet (pbuh) himself. According to a narration from Thawban, when the Messenger of Allah (pbuh) finished a prayer (salah), he would ask for forgiveness (istighfar) by saying , “Astaghfirullah”.1 It is possible to say this istighfar as follows: “Astaghfirullaha’l-azima’l-karima’lladhi la ilaha illa hu, al-hayya’l-qayyuma wa atubu ilayh”.

After fard and sunnah prayers are performed, first ayat al-kursiyy, the chapters of al-Ikhlas, al-Falaq and an-Nas are read; after that, “Subhanallah” is said 33 times, “Alhamdulillah” 33 times and “Allahu Akbar” 33 times. Then, “La ilaha illallahu wahdahu...” is read and dua (prayer) is done.

In hadith and fiqh books, blowing onto the prayer beads or one's body after reading ayat al-kursiyy is not mentioned. However, before the Messenger of Allah went to bed, he would read the chapters mentioned above and blow into his palms. Then, he would wipe the parts of the body that he could reach with his palms. However, something like that is not in question while saying tasbihat.

As it is known, tasbihat after prayers are usually counted by prayer beads. Thus, the probability of saying more or fewer words of dhikr is eliminated. However, prayer beads were not used during the Era of Bliss. The Prophet (pbuh) counted dhikr words by using the knuckles of his right hand. 2 He did not prohibit those who used pebbles and date seeds to count dhikr words from using them.

Hz. Sa’d bin Abi Waqqas, who is one of the ten Companions who were given the glad tiding of being a person of Paradise, said he went together with the Messenger of Allah (pbuh) to a woman. They saw the women making dhikr using the date seeds or pebbles in front of her but the Messenger of Allah did not interfere.3

This attitude of the Prophet (pbuh) is included in "sunnah taqriri", which is a type of sunnah. It shows that he regarded this deed appropriate. On the other hand, it is narrated that Hz. Abu Hurayra made knots on a string and used it (Abu Nuaym, Hilya I/383) that Abu Safiyya, who was a muhajir, used seeds (Isaba IV/109; Ibn Sa’d VII/60) and that Sa’d b. Abi Waqqas used pebbles to make dhikr (Ibn Sa’d III/143).

The prayer beads used today became common only in the fifth century of the Migration.

Abdullah bin Amr said,

“I saw the Messenger of Allah (pbuh) count dhikr words by using the knuckles of his right hand.”4

It is more virtuous to count dhikr words by using the hands if one can count them correctly. However, those who wish may use 33 or 99 prayer beads. There is no difference between holding the prayer beads above or below the level of the navel.

As for the number of the dhikr words to be said, there are various narrations regarding the issue. Some of them say the number of times dhikr words are to be said is 11 while others say it is 25; yet others say it is 10. 5 However, the hadiths stating that the number of the dhikr words to be said is 33 are more than the others. Hadith and fiqh scholars like Qadi Iyad preferred these narrations and regarded it appropriate to act accordingly.

In the explanations of the hadiths regarding the issue, some information is given about the wisdom behind those numbers. For instance, Imam Ayni states the following regarding the issue:

“The reason why the number of dhikr is advised to be 33 is this: When it is multiplied by three, the product is ninety-nine. When a person makes dhikr 99 times, he is regarded to have mentioned Allah with His ninety-nine names.”

As for the issue whether those who glorified or praised Allah more or fewer times than the numbers stated in the hadiths will gain the rewards promised there, some scholars say the extra numbers will not eliminate the rewards while others say, “if dhikr is deliberately made more or fewer times than the number stated in the hadiths, the promised rewards will not be obtained. For, these numbers have a wisdom and particularity; if the number is decreased or increased, the wisdom and particularity will disappear.”

Therefore, it is necessary to try to say tasbihat no fewer than 33 times; if a person says them more than 33 times, he does not have to worry that the reward and wisdom will disappear. For, it is mustahab to utter tasbihat in ruku' and sajdah from 3 to 7 times. What is meant to say and advise here is to say 3 times but it is mustahab and permissible to say 5 and 7 times, too.

It is possible to perform tasbihat after prayers alone or in congregation.

After the prayers performed in congregation, these tasbihat and duas are done together in congregation with the participation of the muezzin, which is better in terms of virtue and more appropriate.

As for the issue whether it exists in sunnah to do tasbihat in congregation, the Messenger of Allah always encouraged dhikr, dua and worshipping in congregation; when he saw his Companions talking, making dhikr and worshipping in congregation, he would be pleased and sometimes give them glad tidings.

According to the narration of Hz. Muawiya,

The Prophet (pbuh) once saw some of his Companions sitting in the form of a circle. He approached them and asked,

“Why did you come here and sit like this?”

They said, “We sat here in order to mention Allah, who granted us a religion like Islam and who tested us through this way, and to praise Him.”

The Prophet asked them again. After receiving an answer with a vow from them, the Prophet said,

“Do not think that I made you vow to blame you. However, Jibril came to me and told me that Allah, who is Mighty and Glorious, was proud of you in the presence of the angels.”6

As it is seen, the Prophet praised the believers who came together and made dhikr and tasbih in an occasion though it was not after a prayer. Tasbihat after prayer was not made in congregation during the time of the Prophet (pbuh) but beginning from the time of mujtahid imams, it was accepted in principle that it would be better to do tasbihat in congregation so that everybody who prayed would do it easily and that they would not be deprived of the reward of dhikr.

After the prayers performed in congregation, it is mustahab for the congregation to change their places and perform the sunnah prayer and do tasbihat in a different place in the mosque. According to a narration mentioned in Ibn Abidin, it is said to be sunnah to do so. Breaking the ranks after the prayers is in question for all five daily prayers. No difference is in question for the morning and afternoon prayers.

The reason why the ranks are broken after the fard prayer is not to cause the people who came to mosque late to think that the fard prayer is still being performed. It is mustahab to perform sunnah prayers by changing one's place after the prayers that are performed in congregation. It is narrated that the prayer rugs and the ground will witness for those who perform prayers. Therefore, the more a person prostrates, the more places will witness for him. For, in the hereafter, all of the beings are conscious and they will speak when Allah wishes.

If it is not possible to perform the sunnah prayer and dua in a different place, there are also views stating that it is permissible to complete them in the same place. 7

References:

1. Muslim, Musafirin: 135.

2. Tirmidhi, Daawat: 25.

3. Abu Dawud, Witr; 24.

4. Tirmidhi, Daawat: 24.

5. Nasai, Sahw:91-96.

6. Muslim, Dhikr: 40.

7. al-Imam Alauddin al-Qasani. Badaiu’s-Sanai. (Beirut: Daru’l-Kitabi’l-Arabi, 1402-1982), 1:160; Ibni Abidin, 1:356.

[tradsaltwife]

 hiiiiii asoiaf reread update!!!

i’m 1/3 into agot and i’ve already decided that i’m skipping dany’s chapters this book... i’ve read them thousands of times BUT i will start reading her pov again in acok

also my copy of agot is hanging on for dear life. it’s a 9 year old paperback copy and the first 60 or so pages are completely detached from the spine. guess i’ll have to look into getting a new one.

i’m paying more attention to bran’s chapters this time because the first time i read the books i didn’t really enjoy them (???) but they are actually really good! 

also this quote... theon my poor baby... i’m sorry for what’s to come...

Theon Greyjoy had once commented that Hodor did not know much, but no one could doubt that he knew his name. Old Nan had cackled like a hen when Bran told her that, and confessed that Hodor's real name was Walder. No one knew where "Hodor" had come from, she said, but when he started saying it, they started calling him by it. It was the only word he had. — Bran IV AGOT

i expect i’ll finish agot today or tomorrow but i’ve read this book so many times that i don’t think i’ll find anything i didn’t notice before. 

[darthnell]

If you get this, answer w three random facts about yourself and send it to the last seven blogs in your notifs! Anon or not, doesn’t matter, let’s get to know the person behind the blog :)

Oh seven thats a lot huh ..

Okay. Im a lot of things !

im an astrophysicist (bachelors and masters, though im not doing either rn and i dont feel like doing phd).

Im a writer (points to this blog), i write thg fanfiction, but pretty au and mostly with either my ocs or my friends ocs. According to ao3 (i trust its wc way more than ffn lmao) ive written well over 400k for this series i have now, and i dont rly plan on stopping c: my current fic is 60 chapters rn and theres a few more left, but aside from that ive got a bunch of ideas in my head for more but thats not rly fun fact territory LMAO. I rly do love writing tho ♥️

Im an artist (points to blog again), lately ive only felt like drawing my protag character (lately as in the past few years lol). Im casually interested in animation too; ive got a handful of animations and gifs (v short) that im pretty proud of

Im somewhat proficient in french but please dont test me its been a while . I did do my masters over there tho.

I have a weenie dog, he is oldman and i love him c:

I live in the us rn. Thats not a fun fact thats a boring fact. Uhh it rained rly hard today though which was fun

Uhh.. i go thru phases with social media, kinda similar to how i do with fandoms (before thg it was star wars, etc). So im not super talkative on here aside from reblogging and writing in tags, posting my fics/art, or the rare ask/tag game (side note, if youve tagged me in one and iirc there are a few i did see and i am getting around to it.. someday). But i know i can get really sucked into social media activity very quickly so i try to limit myself when it comes to that bc generally i get more reward out of writing than.. scrolling.

Ohhh i misread this. Seven blogs three facts. Oh. Okay. Secret eights fun fact: i cant read /hj also im not deleting all that LMAO

[jujupepi]

A Pre-History of Fanfiction V: Fandom Drama, More Zines, and Conclusion

Part I

Part II

Part III

Part IV

Sources

Chapter 5: Other Zines 

Zines existed out of the K/S bubble, of course. Our old friend Sherlock Holmes laid claim to many staple pages often crossing over with the Doctor, Lovecraft’s monsters, and Count Dracula like in the pages of the SH-SF Fanthology edited by Ruth Berman. Zines like the Holmesian Federation edited by Signe Landon and written by Dana Martin Batory, Ruth Berman, John C. Bunnel, and Tina Rhea explored Holmes’ world in both fiction and non-fiction. When Lord of the Rings was republished in paperback in the 60s, zines like Bernie Zuber’s Mytholore explored Tolkein and other fantasy works. 

Duh duh duh DUN DA DUN DUN DA DUN. The premier of Star Wars in 1977 inspired many zines. B. Clark published the first Star Wars fanzine, Skywalker in 1978. Others included Empire Stars by JJ Adamson and the Mos Eisley Chronicle by Doborah Rubin. The first sexual SW content appeared in the pages of Guardian #3 edited by Linda Deneroff and Cynthia Levine. Han/Luke slash filled the pages of zine to the point where the director of the Official Star Wars Fan Club sent Guardian and other publications a letter that demanded that they stop publishing porn along with a series of guidelines for zines. 

Another fandom that comes up quite a lot in zine culture is Blake’s 7, a British SF tv show that shared many producers, writers, editors, and actors with Doctor Who (I guess that’s true of most British shows). The fandom was huge, especially for one that is not super active today. The creator, writers, and actors were uniquely involved in the fandom. The creator, Terry Nation, told zine editor Carl Hiles that he didn’t want Blakes 7 fanworks to appear in any zine that weren’t solely dedicated to Blakes. It wasn’t all negative, Nation also supplied a very kind introduction to a fanfiction titled Reflections in a Shattered Glass by Joe Nazzaro. Actor Gareth Thomas read a fan poem by Mary G T Weber out loud at a con, embracing her after. 

Blake’s 7 was not without its troubles though. The fandom split in the late 80s when a fan revealed to Blake actor Paul Darrow the names of three fans slash producing fans, a writer, editor, and artist, who were operating under pseudonyms. Darrow sent a letter to these fans demanding them to stop publishing anything involving ‘his character or his likeness’. This caused a rift in the fandom between those who supported Darrow and those supporting the three targeted fans. (Fanlore - The Blake’s 7 War) It is speculated that Darrow was using slash as a scapegoat to obfuscate criticism he was receiving for participating in for-profit cons. This is a common theme in fandom, the disconnect between fans and those that make the show. For example, Jensen Ackles of Supernatural fame has made it clear that he does not like to answer questions about shipping his character with Castiel. 

Slash became such a huge part of fandom that zine dedicated entirely to slash without a home fandom appeared in the 80s. One such zine was Dyad edited by Divya Blacque. Dyad used a far reaching amount of derivative works including Man from Uncle, Simon and Simon, Quantum Leap, Startsky and Hutch, Lethal Weapon 2, and China Beach. Slash developed its own genre conventions and language. In this case, not only is the author decentralized but the derivative work is as well. This marks another evolution of fandom from where organizing around a particular work or works is most important to where engaging in fannish behaviors is central. 

Conclusions and Findings 

For a time in the 80s and 90s, zines coexisted with online fan forums like alt.tv.x files.creative and The Aquiter Files for Blake’s 7. However, the ease, accessibility, and ubiquity of the internet won out and have pushed zines to the fringes of fandom. That is not to say that zines do not exist but they are most certainly not the main medium of fanfiction today. 

So much has changed since the days of Gulliver and Pamela. 

Fanfiction now exists on online archives like AO3 and fandom discourse lurks on Tumblr, available to a wider amount of people than a zine would ever be able to service. Fanfiction has increased in popularity and visibility in the past two decades. Fic has even transformed into multi-media franchises like EL James’ 50 Shades of Gray and Cassandra Clare’s The Mortal Instruments. The increasing acceptance of LQBTQ+ people has made the secrecy around slash all but obsolete. 

Though there are endless problems within fandom and fandom behavior, I want to encourage you all to keep engaging with communities you love whether that be centered around a fictional work, a hobby, or anything else that piques your fancy. Keep putting your art and your words out there, you don’t need a middleman or a gatekeeper or a publisher to give you permission. Your little tumblr blog might set a precedence if you let it. 

This is not an overarching explanation of fandom and is limited to a few works, places, and time periods. If you want to know more, I’ll link my sources in other post

I would like to give a very special thank you to Fanlore, a spectacular and far-reaching wiki with thousands of pages of amazing rabbit holes. I would also like to thank those fans that wrote their own histories like Mickela Ecks and Writer’s University, Jenna Sinclair, Alec Nevala-Lee, and Gloria Comandini. Though I used academic journals, these personal histories were the most elucidating.  

[wishfulwithwine]

Ghost Rider - Chapter One

Bradley “Rooster” Bradshaw x pilot female reader

Summary:

You lived up to your callsign, Ghost. You hid and then scared the crap out of people in the sky. As an incredibly decorated officer for your age, you were called back to Top Gun for a dangerous mission. Despite your best intentions, the people on this mission - specifically one - would do their best to get you out of hiding, getting you out of your comfort zone of the shadows and into a lively world.

WARNING: THIS CHAPTER IS 18+. INVOLVES EXPLICIT/NSFW CONTENT. PLEASE DO NOT READ IF MINOR.

Series Masterlist

Picture from Pinterest

Y/C/S: Ghost

Wake up. Drink coffee. Do 15 minutes of yoga. Go for a run. 

Then get ready for whatever the day might hold.

The coffee was necessary to have you acting like a functional person. Sometimes you needed it straight in an IV or a shot of espresso, sometimes you enjoyed it leisurely. To even get a coherent thought out of your mouth, you needed coffee.

The yoga was to stretch your body of the kinks from tension your muscles endured in your nightmare-ridden sleep. The run was to clear your mind of the horrors you witnessed on playback behind your eyes every night. 

Everyday, the same routine. A routine you didn’t have to think about. Muscle memory.

Today’s morning run would be different - the last one here on base before flying out to good old Fightertown USA. You weren’t told anything besides that there was a mission, and you were needed. The only fighter pilot from your base requested to go on this mission was you. 

Instead of your usual 30 minute run, it would be a 60 minute run this morning. The nightmares last night were more realistic than usual, probably from going back to Top Gun. 

Last time you were at Top Gun, you were ranked number one in your class. Despite a class full of legacies and all men, you beat them all with your skill. Beat the number two by more than a few points. Even post Top Gun, you were still more successful than your classmates. 

The longer run wouldn’t be because that they didn’t have a good running path in Fightertown, they did. There were many miles of beautiful views that spanned along the coast of the beach and hills over there. No, the longer run duration would be because of all the thoughts of what was to come. Top Gun meant critical mission. Top Gun meant dangerous.

Who else would be assigned on this mission? Why couldn’t I get any more information about the mission? Would I be coming home from this? 

Just some of the questions you thought of as you made your way through the streets of base. You let the sound of your music from your headphones, your feet hitting the pavement, and your heart beating in your chest tune out the thoughts in your head. The wind rushed past, as you just connected with your body and ran, delving into the lyrics of your music. 

The flight to Fightertown was nothing special. Another mission, another location. Same suitcase and gear. The housing on base was going to be the same as usual - close corridors, not much space for even a pilot’s ego. Everything was packed and ready to go. Sometimes you barely unpacked for missions, knowing you’d just be sent on another one so quickly. The Navy loved shipping you around - you were good. You were an Ace. You were Lieutenant Commander - albeit recently promoted. That happened during this last mission.

It was late afternoon by the time you made it to Top Gun. After unpacking and grabbing some dinner, you set out your plans. You remembered the Hard Deck, where all the rest of the chosen pilots would definitely be tonight - bonding with their colleagues or evaluating their competition. You would do the second - from afar, observing but not interacting. 

You dressed in your plainest civilian clothes,  leggings, t-shirt and a large denim jacket. Putting shades on, you called an uber to the Hard Deck. In your bag, you brought a notebook so you could keep notes, as well as for others to deem you as “busy” so they wouldn’t pay much attention to you. 

Some of your colleagues might have said that you were calculative, which you wouldn’t deny. You were here for a mission, and you would succeed at your mission - whatever it may be. There was no room for friends on missions - you’d be shipped out to another one right after or die in the mission. You learned the hard way what losing a friend on a mission could do. Regardless of whatever the mission was however, there would be a team and there would be a leader. The furthest you intended to connect with these other pilots was to have enough camaraderie to keep yourselves from getting killed during the mission. 

Your call sign was Ghost for a reason. 

The Hard Deck was exactly how you remembered: fairly loud and boisterous, with as many pilots in uniform as you could see. There were a definitely more than a few civilians, but the pilots seemed to have stayed with each other and not bothered the civilians unless they were asking for it, which would be beneficial in your case.

You ordered a beer, nodding discreetly to Penny who knew your strategy by now and smiled at you. You did it on the first day of Top Gun, and you had been brought back here for a few missions before. You had discussed your strategy with her, and although she didn’t necessarily approve of your tactics, she understood. After you had met someone, and they knew who you were for the Navy, people didn’t forget your face. You wanted to be incognito as long as possible. Remember your callsign.  Luckily for you, it looked like no one selected had actually met you in person before. You could hear the cheers of familiar names though, “Hangman” and “Rooster” standing out. Writing down what you could, you counted the amount of pilots, before glancing around to see if you missed anyone.

That’s when you spotted a distinctly familiar face. Well, not familiar in terms of actually seen him in person, but you recognized the face from photos on the walls of Top Gun and news articles. Captain Pete “Maverick” Mitchell. He must also be in for the mission. You were going to take a guess and say he’d be teaching, as the rest of the people who were in uniform were lieutenants, and no one of his status seemed to be here. 

You watched, sipping your beer as you saw the interactions between the pilots and Pete. How three of the pilots pulled Pete out of the bar because he couldn’t pay his tab, but he watched Rooster play the piano from outside. You saw the regret clear in his eyes - for what, you’d find out. Hangman clearly had the largest ego, doing his best to annoy everyone in the group. Phoenix seemed level headed, trying her best to be “one of the guys”. Bob seemed shy, very quiet. Coyote seemed like he was Hangman’s best friend, but also close with Phoenix, so he couldn’t be too egotistical. Fanboy and Payback seemed to be along for the ride of the other characters, not shy but not loud. 

The only one who made a surprising impression was Rooster. He was dressed in civilian clothes, not going along with the group, but also seemed to be guarded with his emotions. He’d be a wildcard in your book. He wasn’t acting cocky. In contrast to how Hangman got his attention by either being in your face or trying to tear you down, Rooster just had people’s attention naturally from the group - and the rest of the bar once he started playing the piano. 

You allowed yourself to watch him play with a smile, watching how animated commanding the piano. 

It was his arena, you analyzed. Bradley Bradshaw was beautiful, you admitted to yourself, and he seemed to know his effect on people, women especially, as he played with his shades still on. The shades on proved to you that he was just as cocky as every fighter pilot you had ever worked with. 

Reminding yourself of your no distractions rule, you left halfway through his song, handing Penny cash for your beer before heading out.

Wake up. Drink coffee. Do 15 minutes of yoga. Go for a run.

After a quick shower and putting on your uniform, you blended into Top Gun scenery as you made your way to the designated training area.

Slipping through the back of the makeshift classroom in the hanger without making a sound, you sat down in the last row, off to the side into the closest seat to the wall. No one seemed to notice you, besides Hondo who gave you a slight nod like Penny, as everyone was busy focused on each other. Some even looked hungover. After last night, you had researched everyone’s callsign and track record. The initial presumptions you had about people fit the data accurately. 

“Attention on deck!” 

Two faces you knew, Admiral Simpson and Admiral Bates made their way to the group, as Bates made his way to the podium to start talking. Admiral Simpson, callsign Cyclone, was someone you knew fairly well and knew not to get on his bad side. Admiral Bates was less strict, but still not someone fairly empathetic. 

“You’re all Top Gun graduates. The elite. The best of the best. That was yesterday” Admiral Bates said, as the faces of some of the lieutenants turned sour. “The enemy’s new fifth generation fighter has leveled the playing field.  Details are few but you can be sure we no longer possess the technological advantage. Success, no more than ever, comes down to the man or woman in the box�� He stated. You caught Hangman’s glance at Phoenix, and her middle finger reaction. Hangman just loved to piss people off.

“Half of you will make the cut. One of you will be named mission leader. The other half will remain in reserve” Admiral Bates stated, as you, once again, watched Hangman try to piss someone off with a glance, this time Rooster.

“Your instructor is a Top Gun graduate with real world in every mission aspect you will be expected to master. His exploits are legendary and he’s considered to be one of the finest pilots this program has ever produced. What he has to teach you may very well mean the difference between life and death” Admiral Bates said, introducing Maverick. You held back a smirk, as you watched Hangman, Coyote and Fanboy’s faces sag with regret as they realized the man they threw out of the bar last night would be their instructor. The only reaction that surprised you was Rooster’s, who instead of the smirk you suspected from Hangman’s regret, Rooster was stiff and agitated. This could be related to the expression of regret Maverick was wearing last night while watching his piano show.

“The FA18 NATOPs. Contains everything they want you to know about your aircraft. I’m assuming you know the book inside and out” Maverick said, patting the handbook. Hangman made some agreement comments, wanting to get back some points in Maverick’s graces after the unknowing fumble from last night. 

Then, Maverick tossed the book into the garbage, shocking the pilots and admirals. 

“So does your enemy” Maverick said, seriously. Hondo muttered some comment, as the admirals were already looking annoyed with Maverick. That didn’t surprise you in the slightest.

“But what the enemy doesn’t know is your limits.I intend to find them, test them, push beyond. Today we’ll start with what you only think you know. You show me what you’re made of” Maverick said, gazing over everyone, but seemed to focus more on Rooster. 

You got your gear, walking out with the rest of the pilots to your respective planes. As you got your plane ready, you were the only one close enough to Rooster and Maverick to hear the conversation. You turned away from them, to not show that you were listening, despite Hangman and Phoenix obviously trying to.

“Let’s not do it like this” Maverick stated, when Rooster finally turned around and confronted Maverick. They definitely had issues, and based on your research last night, you understood the emotions that could be caused from Rooster’s dad’s death, Goose, who was Maverick’s RIO at the time.

“You gonna wash me out?” Rooster asked, which you didn’t need to see them to see the regret on Maverick’s face. It didn’t matter that the Navy had absolved him of the death, he would always regret it it seemed. That was a harsh comment by Rooster, and you did your best not to flinch at the words, thinking how they could affect both Maverick and Rooster’s flying today. Clearly there were issues, which meant emotions were going to be soaring today along with the planes. 

“That’ll be up to you, not me” Maverick replied, in what you interpreted as a stoic voice. 

After Rooster asked to be dismissed, you went back to focusing on your plane, your baby. This was your best friend in the skies, your partner in good and bad. You supposed it was like a marriage, a pilot and his jet. They needed to work together, but also both pushed each other’s limitations. 

[trippin-over-my-fandoms]

Hello our dearest spacegravity Tsar how are you doing today. I've been on tiktok and there's a lot of tiny spacegravity montages which are adorable. I recently read your spacegravity fanfic on ao3 and

1) I wondered if you would be doing a continuation of it, as it was just amazing

2)if your prompts are still open maybe a spacegravity in highschool au

3) Also maybe based on the 60s moodboard you made maybe a fic on that

Ooooh I wonder if you saw either of mine too! I posted two edits of them in ep 9/10 with only love can hurt like this and running up that hill- and i agree! tiktok def has some cute edits and ive watched a bunch of them <3 i can't get enough of spacegravity <33

so

I would like to! I've got two anon asks with prompts that also request for the sparrows to still be alive and if i do some wiggling around I can make them fit with the one I already wrote! I've got some ideas I just need to get to them!

they are! and I will def have to do that! Disclaimer- I was homeschooled so I do not know much about highschool outside of TV and growing up listening to my friends at church talking about it but as I'm typing this I got a bit of an idea! I can write it and you can look for it when I post or if you want you can send another ask for me to reply to so you get notified! (at least I think that's how it works? I don't do anon myself much)

aaahhhh yesss!!! how did you know i was already thinking about it! it may not be super long maybe a 3 or 5 chapter run but!! I've got ideas for that too!

thank you so much anon!

[akvtsuki-ari]

A Study In Body Language: iv. yours truly

Warnings: mentions of rehab, but for the most part none! 

Length: 5.5k

Authors Note: This is the happiest chapter so far, and theres a few perspective jumps but they’re not too hard to follow. i love this fic, but the last chapter is next and shit is emotional. be ready and thank you all

Plot Summary: Spencer Reid comes to some scary conclusions about what that gnawing feeling is. The universe knows a lot of things the two of you don’t

Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 

Reccomend this song to listen to this while reading!

"Well, Spencer - remember you are always welcome back here but I think, for now, you have some folks waiting for you outside. Congratulations and many blessings,"

Spencer smiles at her, her name was Diane. She didn't remind him of his mother but she was nice all the same, curly hair and dark skin and kind eyes. No, she didn't make him think of his mom but she certainly made him think of you - and so Spencer smiles at her fondly and wishes her goodbye.

He'd technically been outside in the last 60 days, but only technically. This was the first time he'd actually been outside, just to be outside and not because his therapist recommended fresh air. He could feel the cool wind presses kisses to the nape of his neck, intertwine with his fingers as the sun brushed his skin. He could feel everything - and it was so much and so little at once but he was so grateful. He couldn't stop smiling, the second he went outside, he just couldn't stop smiling.

JJ hugs him first. She's warm, her arms are small and they hold onto him tight. She's crying and says hello and Spencer says hello back. Next is Penelope, who also cries and hugs him tighter. Emily, then Derek, then Rossi and lastly, Hotch - who gave him the proud fatherly smile that only he knows to give.

It was only missing you, and even though you told him you couldn't go to pick him up - he finds himself so disappointed. He's deflated but decides he can mope later.

"We're so proud of you, Spencer," JJs voice is shaky and a little hurt. Spencer smiles down at his shoes and nods.

"Thank you, all of you for supporting me," Spencer says honestly. Everyone gives him a soft look.

"It's nothing kid," Morgan says first. The whole team nods in agreement. Spencer can't stop smiling it seems.

"Let's get you home," Rossi's voice is smooth as he speaks, everyone walking towards the SUV. Spencer looks back onto the concrete building with an odd fondness. It's a surprisingly difficult goodbye, but it's the most important one he's had second to yours. So, he says bye - hoping to say an important hello to you soon.

_____

The headstone was something he would've liked. Every time you look at it, you can see that he'd like it even if he pretended not to at first. You chuckle for a few seconds, the flowers and the ridiculous cherry blossom tree that's been here for as long as you can remember, it's beautiful and unfitting. He's dead, and that's that and it should feel - well, it should feel more important shouldn't it? But it's all so indifferent. It's all so much nothing, and didn't mean as much as it should've but who's to say right?

You wish you were crying. But you weren't, you were just looking. Tears fall, slowly if at all while you just take it in. You were alone before but it's different this time. In the whole world, there's no one who can really claim you as blood. It doesn't hurt but it's strange to remember. When the cherry blossoms fall onto his grave you don't resent them. He was neglectful at worst so in a way, you don't resent him either. It was all over now, whatever happened between the both of you had simply ceased and it felt like it was time for the next chapter. It'd take a while before things settled again, but that's okay.

"You've been staring awful long," your boyfriend's voice is comforting. It was familiar and when you heard it, you felt calm. You turn around and give him a light kiss which he returns to you, and then the both of you just stand.

"Guess so," you managed to mumble our. His arms around your shoulder as he hugs you tight and the gesture is friendly. Most of your interactions were, intimacy only heightened enough to be dating, really.

"You ready to head to the airport," his voice is more a statement than anything.

"Yeah, Jay - I'm ready," you say softly. He squeezes your hand as he leads you away to the rental car.

_____

Spencer doesn't know if he recognizes the office much these days. It might be a little easier if you were there - and you would be soon. For now, it was a familiar and worn place. Full of tattered and unclosed edges, and long nights that seemed to settle inside him forever. Spencer wasn't unhappy there, he just didn't know what to make of things yet, worried that time would've changed his mind.

He sits at his desk, the team chattering away while Spencer patiently waits on your arrival. You spent 60 days taking care of your father and your neighborhood. You called him, and wrote him letters at times because you know he loved to write back. Somehow you managed to care for him so far away - and any breakthroughs he had was because you kept pushing him to move forward. Spencer just wanted to show you he was good, more than good — he wants to finally be able to say thank you. After all this time, he feels like he owes you that much.

When you walk out of the elevator door, Spencer is the first person to hear you. It's the weight of your walk that he'd become so attuned to, the sound of your shoes hitting the floor that he knew so well. He didn't have to pause to make sure because he just knew. No doubts in his mind, like he'd memorized your white noise so well it'd be ingrained in him forever.

After 60 days, you were the only thing more refreshing that being outside.

The team says something, but it's distant to Spencers ears as he gets up from his desk and walks up to you. It was that feeling again - that the two of you were the only two people on Earth. Spencer can't bring himself for formalities - so when he sees you, and he hugs you so tight you might break, you get it.

You hug him just as tight back. This is the strongest hug he's ever given you but it's not about the physicality. You could feel the happiness on his skin - something that was usually always in glimpses was now in full bloom. You hug Spencer so tight that he's all you can feel. It didn't matter what the universe had to say.

The whole team is stunned into silence - because the last they all remember the two of you couldn't stand each other. But, here you two were, holding the other so closely as if no one was there at all. You wanted to see them, and so did Spencer but this was different. It had to happen first - so the team just gave eachother side glances and watched the two of you.

When you pull back, you look up into Spencer's eyes and put a hand on the side of his face. The team steps back as they watch - they swear you two are gonna kiss but you don't. You just look into his eyes so deeply you can see into his mind and he lets you. Spencer doesn't let anyone do that, but he lets you.

"Hey, dickhead," You say first breaking the silence. Spencer lets out a wonderful laugh, truly jubilant.

"Hey there, lady," Spencer says cheeky. He called you that because he knew how much it annoyed you - when people called you a lady of any kind, went back to being discplined as a kid. You hit his chest, eyes squinted as he laughs. The team just watches in awe as the both of you look at each other so intently - all of them waiting for something more to happen but it doesn't. Neither of you seem to care to explain what went on, and it becomes more apparent as the seconds pass that it wasn't weird to either of you. Did you two think they wouldn't notice or was this legitimate ignorance, no one had decided yet.

"Move so I can go say hi to the team, stupid," you say sarcastically yet lightheartedly. Spencer laughs , continuing to block your vision.

"They can say hi from here," Spencer insists, letting you out of a hug as he moves his body to block your vision. You give him a shove which he fake whines at and you laugh again.

"Hey everyone," You say first. Suddenly your aware of everyones expression, all equally as perplexed. You look back at them just as confused as all of you stand still, just looking at the other party with an odd suspicion. Your facial expression is truly befuddled so the team figures that you two were actually just unaware of how strange all that was. No one says anything, instead all opting to shake it off as people start to give you hugs one by one.

"Oh I've missed you so much, beloved Y/N," Penelope is the first person to hug you, everyone silently appreciating the work she's doing. You smile, returning her affectionate gesture before going back down the line of people. Hotch hugs you last, giving you a knowing look. You just shrug your shoulders, softly smiling at him while shaking your head. He blinks in acknowledgement before things can go any further.  You simply shake your head at him back and he gives you  a gesure, like we'll talk about it later.                        

"I've missed you guys too," your voice is sincere as you speak to all of them but your eyes naturally find themself to Spencer. He gives you an encouraging smile that you return shyly and the whole team pretends not to catch wind of it.

"Hotch," Rossis voice cuts through the room for a moment. Hotch looks at Rossi with a questioning look.

"Do we have a case today?,"

Hotch shakes his head, brows furrowed as Rossi continues.

"Well the, if everyones free - I think it's long overdue we have some celebrations for both of you," Rossi annouces. The team lets out a string of celebratory noise but you're confused - unsure as to why they were celebrating you. You were off-grid for the last few months, so they couldn't have known about what you had been doing. A sixth sense went off in your head as you looked over to Penelope who was definitely avoiding eye contact now. You wanna roll your eyes but who could ever be really angry at Garcia of all people?

"Now wait - I know why we're celebrating this dickhead over here," you say looking to Spencer "but, why would we be celebrating me at this occasion?," You said suspiciously. The whole team looked at Garcia, who immediately folded under the weight of all that pressure. You gave her a look of faux annoyance as she spoke quickly.

"I know you said you were supposed to be off-the-grid, but I worry okay? And when I worry, you know what I do? Well, other than watch cute videos of bird doing tricks -"

"Birds can do tricks?," JJ asks laughing.

"Birds are extremely intelligent creatures - they display traits like good memory, extensive communication, the ability to plan ahead, among other things that we associate primarily with intelligence. They're also able to complete problems and task that are far beyond that of what we'd call animal instinct, so it's actually very easy to teach birds to do tricks," Spencer says anecdotally. Your eyes fill with affection as you hear him talk and he manages to give you a shy smile back. Emily looks incredulously at the rest of the team but they all shake their head, telling her to leave it.

"Yes, birds can do tricks. Now as I was saying - when I worry I go and do research so I started digging, not to intrude - just to make sure you were okay you know and I found that you'd been fundraising all that money for kids in your neighboorhood and I got so excited because that's so lovely, you know? You're so lovely and I love you," Garcia says rambling. You can't help but smile at her, looking down at your shoes embarassed.

"Did you find anything else?"

"No no, I don't intrude remember - just saw you in the local paper with your apron and read the article about how you handmade all those desserts and it was just really heartwarming you know, good for the soul," Penelope explains dramatically. You laugh a little bit, scratching the back of your neck while your cheeks flush.

"Wouldn't take you for a baker, mama," Derek says laughing. You stick your tongue out him and Spencer ignores how jealousy floods in his chest. Weird.

"I learned from this woman named Miss Bell, she was like - the neighborhood auntie. Welcomed everyone in and taught me to bake so I'd have something to do when I got bored, instead of you know - get in trouble,"

"You were a troublemaker as a kid?," Emily asks surprised. You can't help your roar of laughter, your stomach hurt from how hard you were giggling.

"I would give baby Morgan a run for his goddamn money, let's just say that," you say sarcastically.

"That bad?," Rossi questions. You just nod, a smile painted on your face.

"Absolutely that bad,"

"You're a baker, and after all this time I haven't recieve a single cake - frankly Y/N, I'm devestated," Rossi says dramatically. The whole team laughs as you shake your head.

"Give me a hall pass on being late tonight, and I can bring one in," you say, smiling. Rossi gives you a nod of approval.

"Now it's really a party,"

"Sure is. Spence, you wanna come over and come bake this cake with me?," You say, not really wanting to bake alone since your boyfriend was gonna be busy tonight. Spencer grins ear to ear.

"I'm definitely not gonna be very helpful, but yeah I'd love to," Spencer annouces. The team gives The Look™ to each other. Morgan rolls his eyes, speaking up first.

"I don't remember you and pretty boy being so cool last time we all saw eachother," Morgan annouces, pointing out to everyone else what was already obvious. You furrow your brows at him, Spencer doing the same. Were you two...? You two were definitely mirroring each other and didn't notice. Jesus.

"We kept running into each other after we took off for the first few weeks," It's not a lie, but it's not true either. Spencer gives you a mental high-five.

"Turns out we have a lot in common," Spencer adds, giving his tight-lipped smile (:]) to Morgan. Derek puts his hands up in defense

"Just curious," Morgan says, easing up. The both of you just look at each other briefly before looking away - neither of you has spoken about those two months since then and you certainly planned to keep it that way.

"We all deserve a break - and I'm happy to welcome both of you back. So go home, wind down, and get ready. I'll see you all at the party,"  Hotch annouces, basically telling everyone to fuck off and go home. You look at Spencer, making sure he's following you as you walk into the elevator and down into the parking lot.

___

"Whose this again?," Spencer asks, yelling over the speakers a bit as you mix in some sprinkles for the batter of your cake. You twirl around to the sound of Artic Monkeys playing in your kitchen. The oven makes a little beep sound to tell you it's pre-heated and you flash Spencer a grin as you mouth the lyrics

"Artic Monkeys!," You say, pouring your batter into greased up pans, as Spencer sits next to you on the kitchen counter. You groove to the music, singing the lyrics with a faux-british accent.

"And I go crazy 'cause here isn't where I wanna be ! And satisfaction feels like a distant memory ~" you laugh aloud as you sing the lyrics of the song. Spencer watches you carefully, seeing the way you sway your hips to the music - closing your eyes and getting visbly excited when a part you like comes on. The whole thing was so domestic, you alone in your kitchen with Spencer singing your favorite song. It was invitng, and cozy. It was different.

In the months you and Spencer could only talk through letters and phone calls - all your conversations started to be more meaningful in the way only subtext could make it. Intimacy can't be represented by touches, most days. There's more intimacy in moments like these - jokes whispered to each other at serious events and little lingering looks. You were both so oblivious, and maybe that's why it works. Those conversations shared over a secret so powerful - you'd be foolish to not know someone could fall in love off that.

No harm, no foul. If no one knows - not even you two, the universe could remain in tact. Otherwise, it was likely that both of you were soon to be unraveled. It wasn't for either of you to decide but - Spencer keeps having this nagging feeling.

He hasn't had it since you told him you had a boyfriend - he managed to deal with it just fine but it keeps coming to him. Sometimes at the end of phone calls, or when he'd finish writing letters. It was like anytime an ending crossed paths with him - he had this nagging feeling about making sure you would still be there. Maybe it was the addiction talking, the fear of being alone again but it just felt different. He couldn't be sure why.

"Alright - cake is in the oven. I gotta go get ready, can you take it out and cool it down when it's done? I'll frost it once I'm dressed," you say to Spencer, washing your hands under the sink. He just nods for you, giving you smile.

"You already know where everything is, and I have some of your stuff in my room from before so just grab anything you might need! Okay, gonna go shower," you say, shuffling into the bathroom before throwing your apron at him. Spencer chuckles before catching it - watching as you scurry away into the bathroom.

Spencer sits on your couch when you leave. He hears you sing in the shower and can't contain his giggle. He's reading, a book that his mom recommended to him forever ago that he never got around to. He'd probably finish in the time that you'd come out, he figures.

It's silent for a while. Spencer reads and you shower, and the apartment is filled with a pleasant sense of the evening. It's nice to be here, kind of like before but Spencer shakes the thought out of his mind before wiping his face.

His ears become alert to the sound of the key unlocking, and before he panics too much he reminds himself you gave your boyfriend a key to your place recently. Spencer sighs as he sees him walk in the door and gives him a small wave. Jay smiles at him brightly, going up to Spencer with a welcoming look.

"Spencer, right? Good to meet you, man! I've heard so much about you, it doesn't feel like the first time, heh," your boyfriend repeats to him. Spencer laugh, shaking his hand.

"I hope all good things," Spencer says quietly, chuckling. Your boyfriend gives him a pat on the back before going to the kitchen. He peers at the cake on the counter and smiles at it, before looking up at Spencer again. He has a knowing smile written on his face, opening his mouth to talk to Spencer.

"Spencer, you're a good man, you know that right?,"

Spencer looks up at him confused, eyes furrowed and nods slowly. He grabs his stuff out of the drawer of Y/N's apartment, just some tools he let her borrow a while back. He looks to Spencer and holds eye-contact before laughing. He's suprised that Spencer is just as oblivious as you, but he can't say it doesn't feel like destiny. He shoots Spencer a soft grin, shaking his head in the process.

"Remember to take care of Y/N, always - and remember you can always come to me if you need anything," his words are ominious and Spencer just shoots him a confused look before nodding. He beams at Spencer, tucking his tools away in his bag before giving Spencer.

"Tell Y/N I say hello! I'm gonna head back out," he calls out to Spencer. Spencer shouts back a goodbye as he hears the door shut close.

Like clockwork it feels like, you pop out of the bathroom fully dressed and ready to go. Spencer feels his heartbeat in his eardrums as his eyes fall onto your sihloutte, body adorned in a dress that managed to hug your body in all the prettiest ways. It was lavender, your make-up pretty golds and neautral browns - lashes long and fluttering against your eyes as you blink them getting re-adjusted to the feeling. You give Spencer a twirl, before smiling at him with a toothy grin.

"We match!," you're so genuinely excited as you see Spencer look down at his own attire. Your dress matches the lavender shirt that he liked so much. Spencer can't help the way his eyes flooded with endearment at your excitment.

"That dress is too pretty to frost a cake in, Y/N," Spencer says softly. He hears the sound of your feet pad on the floor, you haven't put your heels on yet. You walk over to the cake and grab a spatula and the frosting you had Spencer make earlier on.

"No dress is too pretty for cake, Spencer. How the hell do you think people get married?," You argue back, confidently. Spencer giggles at your comment but can't disagree. He walks up to you as you frost the cake. It's the firs time he's noticed how much taller he is then you. You seem so tiny now, he isn't sure what to make of it. He leans over your shoulder as you frost and stack the cakes up.

"Need any help?," Spencer inquires, throat closing up as he realizes the words that almost come out of his mouth. He nearly called you love - and it came out so easily he's startled. You shake your head no as Spencer finds himself dazed.

"With this? No. But you have to help me put my heels on because I can't get the clasp on them on right ever," you say softly. Spencer nods, looking for your shoes which he finds next to the futon he sat on earlier.

You finish frosting the cake before sitting down on the futon next to Spencer. He smiles at you, as he takes your shoes out of their box. You make eye-contact as Spencer holds your leg, easing your feet into the uncomfortable looking heels. You watch his as he works with the clasp of them, pulling the strap through and readjusting them so that their tight. The moment is too close for comfort but you'd be damned before you thought of moving. Spencers eyes find yours for a second as the two of you smile at eachother for a while. Spencer places a hand on your calf, and you place one of his face and it feels like those two blissful months. Still difficult, and heartwrenching but for different reasons that you couldn't be sure of yet.

"Ready to go?," Spencer asks, cutting the tension. You nod halfheartedly.

"Do I look okay?,"

Spencer pauses. He takes a deep breath before his eyes settle on your face, your shoulders, your hair. He takes you for a few seconds, before he replies.

"Perfect. You look perfect,"

__

Rossi really knew how to threw a party. It was mostly the team and their spouses collectively, but what it was lacking in size it up for in fancy decor and lighting. You can't imagine how long it took for him to set-up, feeling overwhelmed with just how nice everything looked.

You and Spencer sorta forgot that you two were the ones being celebrated, so when everyone popped over with gifts of all kinds and alcohol - it was a little overwhelming. Nonetheless, you felt grateful. You hadn't realized how much you missed being around the team until it hit you like this.

Most of the night was spent catching up - drinking and talking until the early hours of  the next day. You told everyone about how life was back home, what it was like to volunteer with all the kids and catch up on old folks. Everyone was surprised you ended up a fed, you were such a shithead kid they wouldn't have figured it otherwise. You told them about how they cleaned up the river you used to live next to, and about how the old shopping center closed down finally. You talked with them, drinking wine and laughing until the sun threatened to come up. You'd missed everyone so much, the sound of their laughter so soothing to your aching ears.

Spencer told them stories too, about all the things he saw  in rehab. He told them about the scheduling and all the paintings he did, about the different people he met who were all their own brand of strange. He told a ghost story that scared the shit out of you even though you'd heard it before. Everyone was together - joking with each other like tomorrow was unimportant.

All night was ephemeral. Sometimes certain thing exist to be just that - gone and back in a matter of seconds. Sometimes things that are so volatile in nature are the most lovely - and this night was the clearest example. It was all ending, the spark had gone out and everyone was about ready to call it quits.

"One last slow song, as requested by our lovely tech analyst," Rossi announces. Garcia lets our a drunken giggle as she whisks Morgan onto the dance floor.

You had been whisked away by Hotch and Spencer by Emily. You figure now was the time that Hotch was referring to as later. He leans into your ear and whispers.

"What happened?,"

The question is relative. It means a lot of things, like how are you and what happened when you disappeared for so many months, how will I explain all that to the people above me. Hotch knows, he always does, so when he asks you that - you know have to be totally honest.

"I can't disclose the first two months yet but you can write that I was taking care of my sick dad - he passed away when I was home," you explain softly. Hotch pulls away to look at you and you give him a sincere smile.

"I'm okay. I don't feel much, really. About him at least," You say, your word choice sticking out to Hotch as the two of you swayed to music. Hotch nods at your honesty.

"I'm glad you're okay, welcome back,"

"Thanks, Hotch. I didn't take you for a dancer," you say laughing quietly. Aaron shoots you a small smile.

"Hope you don't mind if I steal your dance partner real quick," comes Spencers voice. Hotch shakes his head, passing your hand off to Spencer whose quick to shoo Hotch away. He gives you a knowing look before he goes to talk to Rossi about what you could only assume to be a case.

"Hey, you," you say softly. Spencer hands find the lower part of your back, as he shuffles his feet. He holds you close as he sways to the music and you find your face instinctively in his chest. This was just comfortable, of course. Nothing more or less.

"I missed them," you speak first. Spencer holds you a little tighter before looking at you, as you looked up at him.

"Did you miss me?," he asks, tongue-in-cheek. You roll your eyes, laying back down as the two of you continue to sway.

"I alway miss you, dickhead,"

"Always?," Spencer asks you. He chews on the inside of his lips - the question was heavy though it stems form something else. That was always the case for you two it seemed. You hold your head up to see Spencer, look him in his eyes. You always looked into him, you felt the way his hands grip on your waist as if you were going to fall away and you just smile.

"Always, Spencer."

He gives you a small smile in return.

"Well that's good. I always miss you too and uh - didn't want it to be weird, you know," He says a little sarcastically. You try to control your laughter but it comes to you in fitst, breaking the lovely moment in the best way. Your heads thrown back as Spencer gives you a few laughs himself, he watches the way your hair falls behind you.  He's seen you laugh before, and maybe it's the sangria talking but this was different. You were laughing till your stomach hurt, wiping tears from underneath your eyes to prevent your makeup from smudging too much. The sound of your voice in his ears was sweet, so sweet it could rot all his teeth. The way your whole body relaxes him as you continue to let out soft giggles of appreciation, over a joke so simple. Spencer is smiling but he gets this feeling again. A gnawing one like he's gonna be sick.

And suddenly, so suddenly - Spencer gets it.

It's hard to describe the feeling that you're in love with someone. Every writer, story-teller, musician, poet - everyone has tried so hard to describe the feeling of falling in love. The act of falling in love is so convoluted, it nears fucking impossible. Spencer doesn't know if he can explain what it feels to know that you've fallen in love with someone who once to you was so impossible but he feels it. He feels it so much in every part of him he feels like he's gonna pass out.

For Spencer Reid, falling in love with you was like waking up. Just like waking up, because when Spencer Reid thought of you he thought of everything that might make tomorrow. For 60 days, he thought of you just waiting for the last tomorrow to see it. When we wake up, we are making a promise to live another - just to see what happens. When we wake up, we are promising the universe that we are going to try and give it another chance. When we wake up, we go to sleep trying to fall in love with the universe all over again. Dreams are a prophecy, but waking up was a promise. Spencer Reid realizing he's fallen in love with you was a promise to the universe that he would keep waking up - and when he was awake, he would go to sleep with intent to do it all over again. You weren't his oxygen, but you were all 5 of his senses. You were the thing that made him experience life because he wanted too. Spencer Reid spent so many fucking hours thinking about what it would be like if he just didn't wake up. He wondered what it would be like to dream of endless darkness for so long.

Spencer used to dream of endless darkness. He prayed for the abyss to swallow him in his sleep.

But then you came, and reminded Spencer to wake up. And suddenly, the darkness was gone and he was holding onto thoughts of you.

Spencer woke up, and pulled himself out of the darkness for you.

"Y/N," Spencer voice can only manage a whisper as he wakes your sleepy figure. You flutter your eyes up at him and Spencer looks at you with love. Love is written clearly on his expression but he doesn't know if you can see it. You smile at him and Spencer loves you. Spencer loves you so fucking much and he has no clue what to say, or how to say it yet and even though he doesn't know if it's necessary he feels it so much. He needs to tell you, just not yet.

"Yes?," your voice is small. Spencer pushes hair out of your face, your sleepy and buzzed face smiling at him. Spencer's heart aches. Spencer Reid heart aches for you, and only you.

"Wake up, it's time to go home,"

"Okay," you say sleepily. You tangle your hand in Spencer's hands and the whole universe falls beneath his feet.

What the fuck was he gonna do?

___

taglist: @cynbx​ @zephyr-studiesjp​ @skrrrrrrrrrrt​ @reid-187​ @louistwinslover​ @pastanest​ @nomajdetective​ @iamburdened​ @secretlyablueunicorn​

[sothischickshe]

2, 3, 4, 24, 30

2. How do you spend your time when it comes to fanfiction? Are you primarily a fic reader, writer, or a perfect 50/50 split of both?

ah, time. numbers. yes, definitely good topics to speak to me about, uh huh uh huh.

ummm while i’m writing and, particularly, editing, i’m definitely doing more writing than reading. bc i only really work on one thing at a time, that means the rest of the time i’m more reading than writing. though i do also spend time THINKING abt writing/staring into space....does that count as writing?! 

also also, i do some reading-which-counts-as-writing, i reckon. like i reread filing her nails last night as vague prep/attempt to get back into the headspace, although i passed out cos i was Very Tired. is that a reading or a writing or both or neither?!

i would guess though mm, maybe a 60/40 split reading/writing? but it’s hard to gauge cos my habits are pretty cyclical and also changeable based on whatever else is going on/how tired i am etc etc, and also i dont understand time or numbers and resent the idea i am imperfect in any way, how dare

3. Are there any fics that inspired you to write what you do?

i’m sure! idk if i can point to any specifically but i think like all of fanfiction first of all cos you get to read stuff that’s so creative and character-driven, where plot might amble around in the bg. 

and i think a lot of the stuff ive gravitated to or been taken out by is short/angsty/wordplay-y/character-driven/canon-y etc etc. but also i think that someone else might read the same stuff and be impressed by other aspects (say the emotionality or the structure or the dialogue or whatever), so i kiiiiiiiiinda feel like, idk, what resonates with you abt the thing (fic or otherwise) might be the stuff that you’re most interested in...?

also, i know with gg fic i was v touched by author’s notes that were like ‘hey if you’re thinking of writing something, do!’ or ‘idk i just wanted to read something like it so i wrote it’

4. Link your three favourite fics right now.

um i’m not sure if this question means like DO IT REALLY FAST or they’re FAVES RIGHT NOW or THEY’RE HAPPENING RIGHT NOW or what, but i guess i’ll interpret it as being about WIPs...? 

sooo here’s 3:

Get To Be Mine by @septiembur i love this story and it makes me really happy and i read the update today and i wanna yell about it!!!!!! i love this beth pov so much!!!!! and ruby and annie are so fun here too!!!!!! i love them!!!! and rio is such a wind up merchant affdfgffgf and so is beth and i hate them and i’m so glad i don’t have to have dinner with them. also!!! fake dating!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

don’t give it a hand, offer it a soul aka political au by @medievalraven the last chapter was a delightfully chunky boy and this is such an interesting au setting for these morons and i love it!!!! the rio pov is hilariously grumpy and also v uhh beth-horny, but the premise is also kinda emo/griefy, and the story def gives due weight to that and doesnt minimise it. also!!! fake dating!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Do No Harm by @riosnecktattoo i love this so much!!!!! beth n rio are in a kinda better place but still a bit of a Mess, and mick is doing a horrid job of managing the situation afgffhf. AND INJURIES HAVE LIKE...REAL LIFE CONSEQUENCES?! DID YOU KNOW ABOUT THIS???! no fake dating BUT there is like fake occupational therapising which if it isnt a trope it should be cos it is GOD TIER!!!!!!

24. What’s a trope that you’d like to never hear about as long as you live, let alone write?

lol, i’m not sure i have one of these??? i mean there’s def tropes i have no interest in writing, or reading abt, but idk that i NEVER wanna hear about them?! also like...naming a thing, allows you to discuss a thing? like, pointing out the manic pixie dream girl trope or fridging or bury your gays or whatever is useful

30. Post a snippet from your current WIP without context - no more than 300 words.

i have no real WIP and certainly no written words that I can produce a snippet from, so i cannot.

i do think that the next thing i write will probs be the next chapter of filing her nails though, and, at least at present, i think it will feature rio internally going on abt the fancy sashimi-grade salmon he buys but doesnt make sashimi with bc ofc, and how beth thinks he overcooks it, and how he thinks that is evidence of her being legitimately insane

distract me while i wait for this delivery for approx. ever

[p4nkow]

You take my breath away - part V

i swear i’m alive! it feels like it takes me forever to finish a chapter but finally here it is. there’s going to be some tea ☕️ in the next part so stay tuned! what do you guys think it’s gonna happen? let me know your speculations in my inbox or in my dms, i’d love to read what you guys think

Part I, Part II, Part III, Part IV

Summary: reader has always dreamt of being an actress and she gets the chance of a lifetime when she’s cast as Dominique Beyrand in the infamous biopic about the legend himself, Freddie Mercury. But what will happen when she gets to know better the man who plays his love interest in the movie, Roger Taylor? Will Ben and Y/N’s story be as lucky as the one of characters they portray or will they be starcrossed lovers? Because it happens that things might get complicated because of Ellie, Ben’s long-term girlfriend.

Enjoy and pls, please!, let me know what you think

June 2nd, 2018 – London

Today was the day — the fateful moment had arrived. Finally, after almost a year of work, you and your cast mates were starting to promote BoRhap. You had no idea how to handle all the interviews and trips to other countries and the sudden notoriety you’d have gained, but you were grateful for one particular thing — being away from Ben.

No matter how many times you lied to Lucy, Joe and even to yourself, the truth was that you were starting to feel something for him. And he was just using you to forget his ex girlfriend. You wanted to kill all the butterflies you felt in your stomach every time you heard his name.

“I just thought of what I want to make my New Year's Resolution!” You couldn’t help but give Joe a confused look. Was he really talking about New Year’s Resolutiomm on June?

“Buddy I think you’re a bit late for this”, You pointed out with a small laugh. It was just you, him and Rami waiting in the backstage. The rest of the cast was still getting ready and luckily you hadn’t seen Ben yet. You knew he was there, Joe had told you, but that didn’t mean you had to talk to him.

“There’s still at least the 60% percent of the year left.” You couldn’t tell if Rami was being serious or not. You limited yourself to look at him with an amused smile and you started to think about his situation — you couldn’t have the slightest idea of all the pressure he was under. Now that the award season was about to start his life would’ve been a nightmare. You just hoped he’d get all the recognition he deserves for his hard work.

You zoned out from the conversation as soon as you heard your phone buzzing, sign that you’d received a message. It was from Laura, your best friend, and it was a link to an article. You narrowed your brows, confused by that sudden and unexplained message, and you opened the link. You gasped in surprise as soon as you read the headline:

“Is Ben Hardy single? Let’s take a look at the 'Bohemian Rhapsody' star’s love life.”

You froze in your chair just by reading that sentence only. Joe and Rami were still chatting in the background as you took a deep breath, trying to summon up the courage to keep reading the article.

“Is he single or not? That is certainly one of the undeniable questions on the mind of viewers who can’t wait to watch the hit biographical film Bohemian Rhapsody. So, we're all wondering, is Ben Hardy single? Hardy recently got out of a longtime relationship but he could’ve already found a new love. In fact he was spotted while leaving Y/N Y/L/N’s house. The new star of Hollywood is his costar in the upcoming movie and we’re all wondering if their relationship in front of the cameras led the two actors into something completely different and deeper.”

“What the fuck!” Your tone was louder than expected and you gained a confused look by Joe.

“Is everything alright?”

You quickly stood up from your chair as Lucy joined the three of you and you took deep breaths to calm down. She noticed something was off by the way you looked at her, so she completely ignored the boys and asked “What’s wrong?”

“Where’s Ben?” It was a matter you had to deal with him and with him only. Her lips parted in confusion and she slightly shook her head, vaguely gesturing towards the hallway. “He’s still in the dressing room.”

You gave her a quick nod and you ignored her questions, walking past her through the hallway. You were so bloody mad — deep down you knew it wasn’t Ben fault, but you didn’t want to be known just as Ben’s new love.

So as soon as you arrived in front of the dressing room, you started to knock on the closed door. “Just a minute!” Ben’s voice came muffled but his words didn’t stop you from knocking even more insistently. “Bloody hell!”

Not even ten seconds later the door swung open and a very shirtless Ben stood in front of you. Your lips parted in surprise — you didn’t see that coming. You forced yourself to move his gaze from his bare chest to his face, locking your eyes into his.

26 days.

You hadn’t seen his beautiful eyes in twenty-six days and only now that he was right in front of you, you realised how much you missed him. It was like receiving a punch in the stomach but you forced yourself to focus back on th reason why you were there.

“What the fuck is this?” You placed your phone right in front of his face and his brows became more and more narrowed as he read the article. He took your phone from your hand and by doing so his hand touched yours. You missed his touch so bloody much that it almost gave you the goosebumps.

“I have no idea”, He replied in a low voice while keep reading the article. “I hadn’t noticed the paparazzi.”

“This is bullshit!” He gave you a confused look and took a step towards you.

“Why are you so mad? It isn’t like there’s written something so outrageous!”

You couldn’t believe his words. “It is for me! That’s one of the thing I feared the most — being objectified for a relationship.”

“You’re not being objectified.” Ben’s tone was as loud as yours, the two of you yelling st each other by now. “And we’re not in a relationship.”

You couldn’t deny that his words hurt you deeply and that’s why you blinked a couple of times, a knot forming in your throat as you fought the tears. “You’re right, we aren’t.”

He seemed to realise the impact his words had on you and his features relaxed a bit. He pursed his lips and he was about to say something when the two of you were interrupted by a newcomer. “What the hell is going on?”

Callie was looking at the two of you with her brows more narrowed than ever. That’s probably because the two of you were arguing ten minutes before a very important interview for your careers.

You sighed deeply and nodded towards Ben, who extended your phone to Callie for her to read the article. There was a weird silence between the three of you for a couple of seconds and then Callie’s gaze met yours. You couldn’t read the look in her eyes but you had a bad feeling about it.

“Well this might be useful.” To say that you were shocked at her words was an understatement.

“‘m sorry?” You squeaked and moved your gaze to Ben.

He’d placed his hands on his hips and he shrugged as soon as he met your gaze. “Tell her that it isn’t.”

“Listen, Y/N”, Callie started. “This might be a good publicity for the movie and for your career.”

“I don’t care, it’s my privacy we’re talking about!”

“Y/N”, Ben said but you gave him a death stare. “Don’t you dare”, You murmured in a low tone, pointing a finger at him. You heard him sighing deeply as you turned again towards Callie and she pursed her lips.

“Listen”, She said after inhaling deeply, holding her papers against her chest. “Y/N, I’m not saying that you should fake-date or something like that, ‘kay?”

“Then what?” You placed both your hands on your hips and you looked at her with your eyes narrowed.

Callie sighed again, giving a quick look at the hallway on her right. You could tell she was torn and Ben was surprisingly quiet. “I'm just saying that if the two of you were spotted spending some time together without confirming or denying anything, it'd be incredibly useful to your careers. Y/N, you just made it to Broadway and Ben, you're in a Michael Bay's movie!”

You immediately looked at Ben, hoping he'd say something to get that insane idea out of Callie's mind, but he limited himself to stare at the ground. Was he okay with all that nonsense? “So you're suggesting for us to pretend we're dating?”

“I'm just saying”, Callie urged to reply. “That yeah, you should spend some time together without confirming or denying anything. Let medias do their job.”

“I can't believe it”, You murmured under your breath, avoiding their gaze and turning your back at the two of them. But then a thought popped up in your mind. “What if I'm dating someone?”

Ben coughed and when you finally decided to look at him, he was already looking at you with his brows raised in surprise. “Are you?”

“Don't you think I knew if she were?”, Callie quickly replied and gave you a death stare. "Listen, it's just an idea. 'm gonna look for Emma— Ben's manager needs to be involved, too. Just... don't go anywhere." She pointed her index finger at you before walking away, her heels echoing in the hallway.

What did you get yourself into?

Ben's green eyes met yours again and you shook your head in disbelief before walking past him and sitting on one of the chairs in the dressing room.

He followed you and as much as he wanted to say something – anything – both of you remained quiet for a while. You watched him, though — the way his toned back muscles moved as he hurried to wear a white shirt.

“This is bullshit”, You said in the exact same moment he murmured “Congrats, anyway.”

You gave him a little smile and before you could say anything he added “You first.”

“This isn't right, Ben.” You desperately wanted him to really think about that story. “What does Ellie think of it?”

As soon as you pronounced the girl's name, Ben turned towards you. “It's over with Ellie, you know that.”

“Yeah, right.” You clicked your tongue and looked away. You heard Ben sighing deeply while trying to put on a leather jacket.

“Y/N, what happened—”

“Forget about it, Ben”, You quickly interrupted him, and you couldn't help but chuckle when you heard him swearing under his breath while struggling with the collar.

You stood up and walked towards him, driving away his hands as he sighed deeply. You gently fixed the collar of the jacket and you could feel his green eyes staring at you. “Are you?” His voice was low and your bodies were so close that you could easily smell his cologne.

“What?” You raised your gaze to meet his and it was like receiving a punch in the stomach. You missed the intimacy you had but you also knew it was all a lie.

“Dating someone else.”

You bit your lower lip at his words, looking away from him and taking a step back. The odds were in your favour and before you could answer him, the door swung open.

“Aaron called.” Callie entered the room followed by Ben's manager, Emma, and extended you your phone.

“And?” You unlocked it just to make sure there were no unread texts.

“And I told him you were already doing the interview. Now let's talk about serious things.”

“Who's Aaron?” Ben asked, stepping in the conversation.

“Y/N's costar in Moulin Rouge.” By hearing Callie's words Ben looked at you and by the look in his eyes and the way his features tensed up, you could tell he'd misunderstood everything. Still, you said nothing to make things clear.

The super fast meeting in the dressing room didn't go as you expected and that's why, an hour later, you were leaning against Ben's arm, which was placed on the back of the sofa.

That's the reason why Lucy was looking at you in disbelief— if stares could kill Ben'd be already dead. She was assisting at the interview from behind the scenes – you'd been divided in two groups and casually you ended up in the same group as Ben and Joe.

“What's your favorite Queen song that hasn't been included in the movie?”

Ben clicked his tongue at the interviewer's question while you exchanged a look with Joe. “I still haven't seen the final cut 'cause I haven't been able to do it – is '39 included?”, Ben asked the two of you.

You limited yourself to shake your head 'no' and Joe murmured “No, it isn't.”

Ben pursed his lips and have you a quick look before looking back at the man sitting right in front of you. “I'd say '39, then. We had a lot of fun while filming it – we played it in Japan and that for me was one of my favorite days of filming.”

You tried to stay focused on his words but it wasn't easy at all given that his body was pressed against yours. Your left shoulder was leaning against his chest and your thigh was right against his.

You focused back on the interview when the man called your name. “What's yours, Y/N?”

“Uhm – I'd say It's late. It's a song written by Brian and I've loved it since the very first time I've heard it. Love the meaning, the tune, the guitar solo... everything.” The interviewer seemed to be satisfied with your answer and he proceeded to ask Joe the same question.

You lifted your chin yo meet Ben's eyes – you were terrified. That was your first interview ever and you were bloody nervous about it. Ben noticed it by the look in your eyes and he gently squeezed your shoulder, giving you a tight smile. Despite everything that happened between you two, you were grateful to have him by your side.

July 13th, 2018 - New York

“I swear, it's just a few blocks away.” Joe's words came muffled from the phone as he tried to convince you to have lunch together.

“Joe I swear to God that if I have to walk—"

“Oh, c'mon! Trust me!”

“You sighed, giving a quick look at the traffic light – red light, of course. You loved the atmosphere that characterised New York. Everyone seemed busy, lost in their own thoughts and minding their own business. Not to mention the incredible buildings that surrounded you.

You missed London like the desert misses the rain but you wouldn't complain if you had to move to the Big Apple.

“Okay, fine.” How could you say no to Joe? You heard him saying something in an excited tone but you didn't pay attention to him — you'd gotten the notification that Ben was trying to call you.

“Joe, gotta go.” You didn't like to interrupt people while they were talking but you weren't much sensible when it came to Ben.

“Why?”, He protested. As soon as the traffic light became green you hurried to walk across the street.

You took a deep breath, telling him the first lie that came to your mind. “Aaron's calling me, I'm late for rehearsal.” You we're starting to become a proper liar, geez.

After promising him to meet him in a few hours, you hung up and called back Ben. Three blasts later, he picked up the phone. “Hey, love.”

“Y/N”, You corrected him. He had no right to call you that. Not after everything that happened.

“Hey, Y/N”, He repeated as if he was mocking you and you sighed deeply.

“Hi, Benjamin. Hey, excuse me! Watch where you're going.” A mid-aged lady had hit you and you had almost lost your balance in the middle of the street.

“What?” Ben was clearly confused and amused at the same time by your words.

“Sorry, that wasn't for you.” You noticed the theatre in the distance and you slightly smiled, feeling the adrenaline that only the stage gave you. All the recognitions in Hollywood were nothing compared to the theatre.

“Are you in New York?” You heard a thud and Ben swore under his breath.

“Yeah, I'm going to work. What the hell are you doing?”

“Almost broke my neck – damned wires.” You chuckled and you shook your head in amusement.

The door of the theatre was so heavy that it took you almost a whole minute to open it. “There's a reason for your call or—”

“Uhm...” Ben seemed almost nervous and it made you smile.

You gave a nod to one of the members of the crew and he smiled at you. The sound of your boots echoed in the hallway and the more you approached the stage the more exited you were. “I was thinking...”

“Yeah?”

“I'm gonna be in Italy next week and I've got some time off between a shot and the other.”

“Uh-uh. Hi everyone!”, You said as you entered the backstage room, waving at those presents.

“Would you like to come with me?”, Ben continued. You narrowed your brows at his question while you put away your bag and your jacket.

“To Italy?” His request took you off guard.

“Y/N, rehearsals start in five.” You turned towards Aaron by hearing his words. His dark blonde hair was longer than Ben's, even its shade was very different. He gave you a polite smile and you immediately noticed the laugh lines around his eyes.

“Yeah, coming”, You quickly replied and focused back on Ben as he asked “Was that Adam? Yeah, anyway. To Italy.”

He seemed a bit... annoyed by Aaron? Who knows.

“It's Aaron, Ben.”

“Whatever.”

You shook your head in amusement and sighed deeply. “Listen, Ben. I don't know...”

“Callie told me you won't be working in those days.” Why did he care so much anyway?

“I'll think about it. Gotta go now.”

You heard Ben sighing deeply and you closed your eyes, thinking about his request. Was it really the right thing to do?

And those thoughts led you to your next question. “Why should I accept?” You didn't mean to sound rude or anything but you weren't in a good relationship at the moment. “It's not like we're together or anything.”

Ben stood quiet for a few seconds and you checked if he had hung up. “Just thought it might help us with all that paparazzi-thing.”

It's not like you were expecting a different explanation -- maybe something that involved feelings, y'know -- but man, that hurt.

“Yeah”, You whispered before clearing hour throat. “I— uhm... I'll think about it.” And with that you hung up. After almost a month from when the decision was madeX you still didn't like at all that story about medias and paparazzi. You didn't want to pretend to be someone you weren't, not even when it came to Ben.

July 20th, 2018 - Florence

It was like being free again, after months of oppression. Italy felt like home and being able to visit it to often was a gift.

You raised your chin, your gaze slipping through all the historical monuments around you before focusing back on Brunelleschi's Dome. A masterpiece. And for the first time after days loosing sleep because of it; you didn't regret accepting Ben's proposal.

Ben. He was standing right on the Dome, held by strings for his safety. He was gesturing towards the window and you could barely see him because of the height.

“Pretty scary, huh?” Emma leaned towards you, her words were just whispers as she spoke to you.

“Yeah.” And you were amazed by what a terrific actor Ben was. You already knew that — after all you'd worked with him — but it was nice to see him in another role rather than Roger.

“He never said anything about it but he misses you.” It took you a few seconds to process her words. You moved your gaze to her and she was already staring at you with a brow raised and a mischievous smile on her face.

You limited yourself to give her a nod — you had no idea what to say because the truth was that you bloody missed him too. And Emma knew it. “I can see it in your eyes. You miss him too.”

“I'm still mad at him.” The director gave you two a death stare but Emma didn't seem to care.

“You can be mad at someone and still miss them.” And you wondered if she was right.

When almost half an hour later Ben was done with the filming, he approached you with a big smile. It was like nothing ever happened between the two of you, like if the events of your birthday were long forgotten.

And when he hugged you, holding you tight, all you could see when you closed your eyes and sighed was the look in his eyes when he spotted you right next to Emma. It was so overwhelming that it woke the butterflies in your stomach.

His nose touched your neck and that touch was so gentle that it gave you goosebumps. You held him tighter, smiling at the feeling of his body against yours. “Hey.”

He backed away and now his face was right in front of yours. “Hey. How was the flight?”

“It was good, yeah.” His face was dirty, purposely covered in mud for the filming. But that didn't mean he didn't look handsome as hell.

“You okay? Wanna get some rest?” His concern made you smile and you shook your head 'no' at his question.

“Ben, I'm fine.” His hand slipped through your arm and you took a step back. It wasn't good for you to be this close to him.

“Ben, you're done for the day. Good job, now get some rest.” The director approached him and gave him a pat on the shoulder.

Ben gave him a nod and a polite smile but you stood quiet. He thanked him and when he walked away Ben turned towards against you. “Hope you brought a fancy dress, love.”

“Y/N”, You corrected him almost immediately, creating a bit of tension between you two. A corner of Ben's lips lifted in an amused smile and you bit your lower lip when he grabbed your hand, making his way through the rest of the cast.

“And why's that?”

“Because,” He gave you a quick look from above his shoulder. “We are going out tonight.”

You heard the clicks of the cameras even before noticing the flashlights — they weren't there when you'd gotten to the set but now the square was full of paparazzi and their eyes were all on you and Ben.

He noticed how uncomfortable you were, probably because you tightened the grip on his hand, and he gave you a soft smile. “We're almost there, Y/N. Don't mind them. Focus on me.” And found that was even harder than avoiding the paparazzi.

That night you wore the fanciest dress you'd bought with you and you'd put your hair up with a simple hair-stick. Even though you weren't together; you still wanted to impress him.

When he knocked on the door of your hotel room you'd just finished getting ready. You weren't surprised to see him wearing all black but sure as hell you were surprised when you movies he was holding a red rose.

“Hey, love.” And probably for the first time in months you didn't correct him – maybe because he's caught you off guard, maybe because you didn't want to.

Your cheeks turned rose when you felt his gaze slipping through your body before locking his green eyes back on yours. “You're... stunning. Gorgeous. Beautiful. Sexy.”

“Whoa”, You murmured with a soft laugh. You bit the inside of your cheek at his words and looked away from him while taking the rise. “You look good, too.” You gave him a little smile before bringing the rose close to your nose – you loved the smell of flowers.

And the look Ben gave you, brought you back to when he was almost yours. You missed his touch, the feeling of his lips on yours, the way he made you feel. You missed Ben, and Emma was bloody right about it.

“Wait”, He murmured when you closed the door behind you, taking a step towards him in the hallway. He took off the hair-stick and your hair fell on your shoulders. You gave him a questioning look and he murmured with an apologetic smile “I like your hair down. You look pretty.” And your heart went whoosh.

Ben had reserved a table in the private area of a fancy Italian restaurant and the atmosphere was almost overwhelming. It was looking out over the River Arno with the unforgettable view of the Ponte Vecchio – that's what Ben told you while pouring some wine.

“It's so posh.” Ben gave you a quick look and you gave him a tight smile. You were starting to relax again with him and you loved what he was doing for you. No one ever did something like that before.

“Is it, huh?” You hit your lower lip while trying not to chuckle at the look he gave you.

You were almost afraid to bring up the subject but that didn't stop you from saying “And what does Ellie think about this situation?”

“Y/N.” He sighed deeply and gave you the 'seriously? again?' look.

“What?”

He placed his elbows on the table and leaned towards you, a mischievous smile lighting up how beautiful face. “And what does Adam think of it?”

“It's Aaron.”

“Yeah, whatever.”

You pursed your lips and exhaled deeply, giving him a little smile. “Aaron and I are not together.” Not that you owed him any explanation.

“Neither are Ellie and I.” You narrowed your eyes at his words and temporarily decided to believe him while taking a sip of wine. And you were grateful to him when he switched the sickest of the conversation. “How's Broadway?”

You thought about it and it took you a few seconds to find the proper answer. “Exhausting.”

Ben seemed interested in your stories about Broadway and you carefully avoided to mention Aaron while updating him. And you chatted basically for the entire night, between a dish and the other.

And almost two hours later, you'd moved the conversation to the small terrace looking out over the river. Your elbows were resting on the railing as you took a draw of his cigarette. “Promotional tour starts on Monday.”

“In London, right?” His tone was just as low as yours and it felt like a moment of intimacy. You extended him the cig without saying anything at first, taking your time to reply.

“Yeah.” You gave him a quick look with the corner of your eyes and then you looked away. How could you face the entire tour without Ben by your side?

You heard him sighing and he turned towards you so you raised your gaze to meet his. “You're so beautiful tonight.”

You shook your head, almost begging him to stop. “Whatever we are— Y/N, I still remember the way we were. And I miss you.” He took a step towards you and as much as you didn't want to, you did it too.

What the hell you were doing? You were supposed to stay away from him.

Taglist: @caborhapch @ohtheseboysilove @classy-fangirl @royalblueviper @rogers-weirdo @geek-and-proud @mrsbenhardyx @julessbrown @the-little-warbler @beyrxnd @benders-diamond-earring @radiob-l-a-hblah @luvborhap @mrsmazzello @orchideax @gardengirl-18 @dearestdeaky @brianandthemays @ixchel-9275 @rita-tlr

If you wanna be added to the taglist just tell me!

[goodmorningpunpun]

I just finished rereading oyasumi punpun for the second time. The first time was a few years ago, but I hadnt forgotten the hollow raw loneliness it left me with that first time.

I've been working from home for the past few months and I feel like Ive been keeping up pretty well until this last week. My work quality has been slipping, and I find myself turning to alcohol more and more. I stopped myself from drinking all week until Thursday - as soon as I got off work I just went for it and got super drunk. It was actually a pretty fun night. Friday I was slower going with the drinks but ended up in the same place. Saturday I began my reread of Oyasumi Punpun, and didn't touch the alcohol. I have a rule that I think has stopped me from becoming too much of an alcoholic so far - I don't drink when I'm sad. Lately, though, I think that rule is a bit misguided... because I'm sad more often, and when im not sad, I'm drinking. I think I might be pavloving myself to associate happiness with drunkenness.

Recently my old friends have been keeping in contact more than we used to, which I think is probably a good thing, but for some reason its really really tiring to me. For a while I've been the one getting us all in group calls, organizing playing games together, etc... but now that they are doing it on their own I find a lot of the time I don't want to and I just want to be alone. I know it sounds obvious that I don't have to always hang out, but I also can't trust myself on this matter. The only way I got these friends was by learning to not let myself say no when invited to things, which had always been my default previously.

Anyway, I was worried about alcoholism, frustrated with myself for not doing better at work, tired from hanging out with my friends online, and feeling completely without purpose when I began my reread of oyasumi punpun. I knew what it would do to me, that it would strip me bare, but I read it anyway. I held up very well yesterday, reading enraptured for hours, and didn't think I'd cry. Maybe on the reread, it won't hit me as hard, I thought. Then, some 60 chapters in, my friends invited me for games, and though I felt torn, almost like I was betraying myself by letting myself be distracted from this abasement of my psyche, I went and got distracted for a while with my friends. It felt good. I was distant and didn't talk much, and I was a bit ruder than I should have been at some points, but it felt good. I said goodbye to them after a few hours and kept reading.

Today I finished my reread. I had Deathconsciousness by Have a Nice Life playing and the end of the album synced up perfectly with the end of my read. I cried, and the fact that I dont deserve to cry about anything made me cry more. I went outside and sat on a grassy hill in the shade. I came back inside and made this blog. I don't know what I'll do next.

This is a loneliness that I cant explain to my friends. They know me but none of them really know me. I don't want to worry my best friend, my brother, and I don't think he'd fully understand anyway. Writing this, putting it into words, helps. If anyone at all reads this then maybe it was worth it.

I love you all more than I can bear

[justkending]

Used to Be Overlooked. Chapter 21.

Summary: Steve Rogers was walking down the streets of Brooklyn after finishing a mission. The goal was just to take some time to clear his mind along the city streets, but when he runs into a gorgeous young lady that looks extremely familiar… How can he go about moving on? Who is she? What does he know her from? Was that memory even from this decade?

Pairing: Steve Rogers x Reader (Rosalyn Ember/ Y/N ?)

Word Count: 3100+

A/N:I haven’t proof read this one all the way through, so I apologize in advance for errors! I will do it later today to double check! Enjoy and feedback is welcome!!!

Series Masterlist

Chapter 21:

You felt an ache throughout your whole body as you slowly started to wake. You felt weak. Drained. So weak that opening your eyes was the equivalent to lifting 3 tons of cement. You tried moving, but your muscles weren’t obeying. All that happened was a small twitch of your arm.

The small movement did more than you thought it would. It gave you a feeling of a strap across your middle that went from one arm over your torso to your other arm, effectively keeping you in one place.

As you struggled to move more, you heard a large metal door creak open. You stopped fighting realizing that looking unconscious may help you more right now.

“She’s secure?” the voice you knew well asked.

“Yes sir. We have her hooked up to monitor her heart rate, blood pressure, and also to start the transfusion when ready,” the dweeby voice of the assistant you grew to hate said. Now sounding older and more frail.

“Perfect. Wait until she’s awake. I want her to be able to talk to her before she passes out again,” the deep voice said proudly and getting closer to you. “Oh Miss. Y/N Erskine. I finally have you now, don’t I?” You felt a hand come up and gently caress a knuckle down your cheek. You would have cringed at the motion had you had the energy or ability to. “You look as if you haven’t even aged. Impressive,” he chuckled. “Still as stunning as ever, but that’s no surprise.”

“Um, Dr. Bates? Security was trying to get ahold of you for-”

“What now?” he huffed walking away and stomping loudly.

The doors opened again, and you heard the single set of footsteps leave. You waited a second to hear for any further noise. When you heard equipment moving you figured it was the little sidekick of Bates. 

Edgar. He was always so obedient to Bates. He was annoying as hell and didn’t have a mind for himself, but deep down, you always felt for him. No matter how cruel he was to you all those years ago. He was very much a follower and was always lost in following a path of his own. You knew if you talked to him, and tried to convince him of doing good you could probably push him in the right direction, but whenever you did, he would always find some way to shut you up.

After a lot of energy focused on moving your head, you were able to roll it to face the other side of the room. That movement lead to you getting a little more power as you woke your muscles up. You slowly began opening your eyes and blinking gradually.

Again, your energy started becoming more and more powerful. You opened your mouth and were able to talk in a hushed whisper to start.

“I see he’s still got you whipped,” your voice was hoarse and quite, but he still heard, quickly turning to you.

He was shy. Didn’t say much to you. He turned giving you a look before looking down at the gadget he was playing with ignoring you.

“Not much of a talker still too. Wow. It’s as if nothing has changed.” Again he ignored you. You cleared your voice as best as you could and continued to talk. “Bate’s is still obsessed with me. Still can’t seem to understand science. Then you still don’t have a mind of your own. Still following him around like a lost puppy waiting for instruction, Edgar?”

He turned back giving you a glare and moving to the IV that was in your arm. You looked up seeing it was attached to some blue liquid, but couldn’t place what it was.

“Why are you doing this Edgar? How are you still even alive?” you asked looking back at him.

You just now got to processing him. He was old and hunched over from age. His sandy blond hair was no longer that, and was a deep grey now. Wrinkles were prominent on his face showing just how long he had been alive. Probably late 70’s. I mean he was just a kid when you first met him. Almost 60 years had passed.

“Boss helped me. I’m functioning better than I should be,” he answered never looking at you, but instead, fidgeting with the dose of the blue serum.

“Don’t tell me you’ve been doing this all these years,” you sighed rolling your eyes. He didn’t answer. “Of course you have. Why would I think differently?”

You turned taking in the room around you.

It was a high tech lab. Tables of computers, chemicals, utensils, and so much more. You looked down seeing you were strapped to a table with three big giant black leather straps; while the table sat up at an angle to where you were close to standing if you weren’t off the ground.

“You could have got out of this Edgar. Had a family. Kids. Lived your life, not-”

“Awake I see?” that damn voice said again walking in with a satisfied stride. “Are you tormenting Edgar still? It truly is like old times, isn't it?” He said with a smug smirk as he walked up to you.

“Garrison Bates.” The bane of your existence. The tall dark brown peppered gray hair, brown eyed, clean shaved face, of the man you once loved, and now despise. “What a tragedy to see you again,” you said with a fake smile before letting it fall and rolling your eyes.

“Easy there Y/N. You keep that up and I’ll think you’re flirting with me,” he said lifting your chin with his index finger like earlier.

“Touch me and you won’t have fingers to work with,” you seethed.

“Oh my, I see that fire in you hasn’t dimmed after all these years. Got to say, I admire it,” he said placing his hand behind his back and walking over to the computer Edgar was at earlier. “Your vital signs all look good and ready to go.”

“Go for what-”

“Edgar, you can start the serum,” he said ignoring you and nodding to his assistant. Edgar nodded back and added another IV to your other arm.

“What are you doing?” you said trying to wiggle, but the straps weren’t helping with your low energy thing.

“Adding a little something to help slow the healing process. Can’t have you healing up as I extract blood. We do that and you’ll be fighting us. Got to keep you slow,” Garrison explained crossing his legs as he wheeled a chair over to you. “Now let’s talk about how exquisite you look. You’ve only gotten better with the times, Y/N. Aged like very fine wine,” he said looking you up and down. You looked down realizing that you were in your sports bra and leggings. Your tank top and hoodie were gone leaving you more exposed than you liked.

You scoffed looking back at Garrison who was biting his lip at you.

“Can’t say the same for you Garrison. What? It’s been 60 years give or take… Doesn’t look like you’ve been aging as well as me, and wasn’t that the whole purpose?” you sassed.

He jumped from his chair and stood inches from you. Anger painting his face.

“Maybe if you would just give me the formula, I wouldn’t be like this. Instead, you keep it for yourself like the selfish brat you are,” he gritted through his teeth.

“There’s a reason I don’t give out the formula. So slimy, power hungry, self-centered, egotistical FAT HEADS like you, don’t get their hands on it,” you said each word like the diss it was. This man was a horrible excuse for a human, and only wanted the information out of you for the pieces of immortality it served.

His expression hardened, before turning softer.

“You always knew how to rile me up didn’t you Y/N/N… Well, I won’t give you the satisfaction,” he breathed turning around. “Edgar, how’s it going?”

“Almost done…” he paused. You looked down seeing him flip a switch and the new liquid start to flow into the IV. “There. All set sir.”

“Great. Now Y/N, you are going to be feeling a tad bit woozy in the next few seconds, but don’t worry I’ll make this as fast as possible. Kinda need to get a move on things.”

“What are you-” then it hit you. The cold fluid started moving through your veins. You took a deep breath in at the sting it left.

“Yeah, it doesn't feel too great. We’ll let that run for a second before extracting some blood. Just need to see how your cells react to it,” he explained walking circles around the table you were propped on. You tried to follow his movement with your eyes, but your head fell back in exhaustion. You were weak again. “We have quite the plans for you. I have it all mapped out too. Only downside is-”

“The Avengers,” you answered quietly.

“Good job, dollface.” You grimaced at the nickname. “The only time I could really pounce on you was at the Avengers compound. Trust me, I wanted to do it another time, but when duty calls, you pick up the phone,” he shrugged. “Anyway, because of that little ‘issue’ we are going to have to relocate every once in a while. Can’t have them getting close now can we?”

He brushed some hair out of your face, and you closed your eyes in disgust at the contact.

“Speaking of getting close. It looks like you and Captain America have been growing pretty fond of each other.” He paused for a reaction but you didn’t give one. “Awe, now don’t go all timid on me now. I mean the way he looked at you in that dress, and the way you looked at him in his little suite. It was cute. Can’t say I wasn’t jealous though. You looked at him in a way you never looked at me,” he shrugged. He had been there, and you were too oblivious to notice. This is why you were nervous to let your guard down in the first place. Look where it led you. “But the dress… That’s what threw me over the edge. You were-”

“Shut. Up,” you mumbled.

“Hush now. I’m trying to compliment you.”

“Don’t. I don’t want your compliments.”

“Fine. Have it your way hardhead,” he said throwing his hands up in fake surrender. “Edgar, how long?”

“14 minutes sir.”

“Perfect. I’ll be right back. You take care of her now Edgar. Can’t have my little experiment getting away. Again.” He walked over you cupping your now dangling head in his hand. “Come now Y/N. Did you ever thing you would be able to hide that easily?”

Your eyes were heavy but your were able to send him a glare still. He smirked before dropping your head not so gently and turned out the door with a new stride.

Next thing you knew, everything faded into black.

___

“Update Nat,” Steve said coming toward the front of the plane where Clint and her were flying.

“Nothing new yet. Security sent the camera shots with the car that we think may have been theirs and we are tracking from there. We should have a location in about 3-4 minutes,” Nat explained as she continued to click away on the tablet on the side.

“Did they really think they could get that far? What if this is all to easy?” Sam asked as he strapped his suit on.

“I don’t know, but any lead is still a lead. I would rather show up to an empty spot than not go at all and risk missing her,” Steve said hanging his head as he placed his hands on his belt. Something he did when concentrated on a mission.

Wanda walked over placing a calming hand on his shoulder.

“Steve. We’ll find her. They may think they have the jump on us, but we got Stark’s technology. We have the upper hand,” she smiled up at him.

He turned his head and gave her a soft smile.

“Thanks Wanda,” he said patting her hand. “I’m just scared on why they took her,” he paused thinking it over and then looking to Tony. “You don’t think they know-”

“I have a good feeling that if they took her from our home, they know,” Tony said bluntly. “Hate to tell ya Cap, but I don’t really have another explanation.”

He nodded knowing he was right, but not really wanting to hear it.

“Cap, I got something!” Nat shouted making Steve run back to the front.

___

“How’s it looking Edgar?” you hear Garrison’s voice say from the side, but it almost felt like a dream.

It was like the first time you were knocked out. You had no energy to show you were awake. Everything was heavy and your body wasn’t listening to any commands you were giving it.

“Good. I ended the serum and drew some blood for the sampling. I tested to see if the chemicals from the serum would effect modifying her blood for dissecting the formula and it looks like it did the job we were hoping for. I think we finally got it,” Edgar answered.

“We got it?”

“Yes sir. I believe we did.”

“Finally,” Garrison said in an evil tone. “Go ahead and start the blood extraction. I want a few pints before we start the transfusion to be safe.”

“Yes sir.”

“And Edgar? Good job. You finally did something right,” You heard footsteps coming to you and instead of stopping and silence, you felt a rough hand grab your cheeks and push your head up. “Wakey, wakey, dollface. It’s time for the games to begin.”

You tried blinking your eyes open and a groan made a way through your lips.

“That’s it. Welcome back bug,” he said once you opened them wide enough to see his evil grin. “I wanted you to be awake for the next part. You know, to catch up and all.”

“Screw. You,” you said almost winded by the energy it took.

“I’m sure you would love that,” he grinned again before throwing your head to the side.

You felt a pinch, and then saw a red line of where your blood was being drawn into blood bags.

“What happened to us Y/N? I mean, I thought we had it good. Then one day you spill your little secret to me, and then the next you’re three states over and moving every time I catch up to you,” he said unbuttoning his suit jacket, and throwing it over the chair that was next to you.

“Well,” you sighed. “It would help if after I had told you, you didn’t try dissecting me like a 6th grade science experiment for your own entertainment.”

“Entertainment? That’s what you thought I saw it as?” You shot him a tired glare which just made him tisk at you. “Darling, I loved you. We dated for what? 1958’-1960’? 2 whole years. Now back in those days, we might as well have been married and popping out little ones,” he said un-cuffing his wrist cuffs and rolling his sleeves to his elbows. “Then when you came to me telling me you had a little secret… Oh, I was scared. I thought we were pregnant out of wedlock, or you were cheating or something. Little did I know,” he brushed your hair out of your face. “You had a gift to give instead. The gift of near immortality.”

“It’s not a gift Garrison. It’s a curse,” you said staring deep into his eyes hoping he would catch on.

“I wouldn’t know. You never helped me understand,” he shrugged pushing away.

“I tried showing you! You just saw the parts you wanted!” you shouted best you could. It came out more hoarse and broken than you hoped, but the feelings of anger and disappointment were still prominent. “This isn’t a life you want Garrison. It’s not living at all-”

“YOU DON’T TELL ME WHAT I WANT!” he shouted when he turned back to you.

You shrunk back in your spot. Face still stern, but not expecting that intense of a reaction. You looked over at Edgar who had retreated into himself, and did his best to make himself near to invisible in the corner. There was a long pause before Garrison continued. He ran a hand through his brown hair, and slightly messed it up with the gel that was holding it. You could finally see the age now. He was probably 10-20 years older than you in body years, and he looked to be in his 40’s. Which was still impressive considering he was actually nearing 80′s and 90′s.

“I loved you. I wanted a life with you. I wanted to grow with you. The only way to do that was to become like you,” he whispered.

Your eyes widened. That was the reason? That was why he tortured you, and treated you the way he did? That wasn’t love. That-That was- Hell, who knows?

“Why did you do the things you did then?” you whispered back. “You tore me apart.”

“You wouldn’t listen,” he answered standing straighter. “You wanted me to fix you, when I didn’t see something to fix.”

“Garrison-”

“Edgar. Are you almost ready?” he said composing himself, and not letting you see him vulnerable anymore.

“Y-Yes sir. We, uh, we can begin the transfusion,” Edgar stuttered.

“Good. Hook me up,” he walked over to the chair sat next to you, and rolled his sleeves up more so Edgar could insert the needle.

“This isn’t the answer. There is something bigger here, and you know it.” you said looking down at him, but he didn’t budge. He continued to look forward as Edgar worked around him. “I’m sorry you see it this way,” you said softly before throwing your head softly back on the cold metal table. You closed your eyes as you felt exhaustion start to overtake you again.

__

“Okay Cap. This is the place the license plate led us,” Clint said landing the quin-jet a good distance away. “The likelihood of them being able to move before we got here is low.”

“What about the likelihood of this being the place?” Steve asked looking out into the forested area.

“There was only one other pairs of cars that left the compound around the time Y/N was taken, and we already tracked seeing that those were harmless. Just agents going into the field and visitors going back home,” Nat answered.

“Ok. So this is it?” Steve said as the back opened.

“99% sure. The only thing now is where in that building,” Clint said as they all lined up.

“And that’s where I come in,” Tony said as the helmet of his suit shut. “I’m going to do a perimeter check and scan of the building with Friday. I’ll have a room for you in 2 minutes tops.”

Next thing, Tony was off in the skies.

“Ok team, we need to do this quickly and efficiently. We don’t know why they took Y/N, and we don’t know what they’ve done to her. We need to secure her first before we take care of the individuals responsible for this.” Steve instructed putting his helmet on. “If you find her before anyone else does, bring her right back here. Bruce you stay here unless code green is needed, and when Y/N is brought back, do a check on her alongside the nurses. She’ll want a familiar face.”

“Got it,” Bruce nodded placing his arms over his chest.

“Romanoff and Barton, you two stay together. Get to a security room to give us eyes on the inside. Vision, Sam, and Stark will work the sky and keep a birds eye view of everything around, and take out anyone who poses a threat, looks like they are going to give us away, or tries to get away.” 

Sam and Vision nodded their heads and started to make their way through the forest before taking off with Stark. Steve turned back to the last two avengers. 

“Wanda, Bucky, you’re with me. Let’s go get her,” he nodded, getting the same look from them. They turned leaving the jet and started racing to find the bunker where you were being held in.

Chapter 22

Used to be Overlooked Tag:

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If I tagged you and you aren’t normally on my tag list, I thought you would enjoy the story. Fair warning, it is a slow burn so we will get to the bottom of the issue later, but the burn is what makes it soooooo sweet. I’m really excited for this series, and would love your feedback:) Thank you!

If you want removed let me know.

[flyingcookierambles]

so i finished reading the northern caves

hey its a book ramble! after uuhhhhhh.. a year. anyways the northern caves! (https://archiveofourown.org/works/3659997/chapters/8088522)

i binged it in a whole day. and i have feelings. i think?

so ppl hyped it as a lovecraft-ish/otherworldly horror story and i think i got a bit sucked into that and let down a bit because to me the horror story wasn’t the implied dark magic connections the author had with uh. the Mundum. it was the unreliable narration and betrayal of friends. spoilers below!

so, if you’ve read the northern caves, you know what the Mundum is. it was just kinda introduced as some mystical thing in the universe that the author believed in. whether or not it was real was kinda left open ended i think.

if you for some reason haven’t read the northern caves (which will just be either the caves or tnc for typing speed’s sake), it’s about a group of online friends in a 2004 internet forum dedicated to a children’s book series called Chesscourt by Leonard Selby. the author died before he could publish his final book, The Northern Caves. thankfully, one of the ppl in the forums, metamarsh, is actually distantly related to the author, and in the event of leonard selby’s death and then marsh’s aunt’s death (i think she was selby’s sister or something), marsh’s family got all the belongings of leonard selby. all his journals, notes, and unpublished works left behind. TNC was one of them. marsh (or his aunt or some other relative) scanned the pages and released it online ig sometime before the story. and so the events of Spelunk 04! starts, in which the friend group of this forum plans an irl meet up at marsh’s house so they can go over the author’s belongings and try to make sense of tnc. tnc is, to put simply, a mess. there’s lucid parts and non-lucid parts, by which i mean that there’s entire pages of nonsense and also it’s mentioned that there are 3 entire pages that are just the letter “a.” this can easily be dismissed as the writings of a senile old man, until the revelation of the Mundum (mentioned above) comes up. 

then things so super wrong. 

so, the entire story is a “report” by a man on the forums named Paul. his handle is GlassWave. he is a person who went to Spelunk 04! and is part of the reason why the meeting went so wrong. around the part where the journals abt the Mundum come up, he totally gets into it. the narration around this part gets uh. kinda creepy. it also definitely doesnt help that there were drugs involved - adderall.

so uh. basically. paul and another guy, Arron/Errent Knight, get the Mundum. they dont understand why their friends dont understand it. the solution according to paul? put adderall into the coffee and stay up for 60 hours straight reading tnc in a group circle.

yeahhhhh.

so i personally wasnt super scared abt the entire lovecraft-ish/other worldly implications of mundum being real or not. it was the paul’s state of mind when he spiked the coffee with drugs. it was the entire betrayal thing. 

i personally haven’t really had the entire internet friends experience bc im p shy irl and online. i dont usually go talk to strangers in chatrooms/discord or anything. also stranger danger lol.

but i hear a bunch of stories abt that kind of stuff, the early 2000′s internet experience before ppl had more awareness of internet stranger danger. also i’ve been watching and reading abt a lot of internet drama thru commentary channels i watch nowadays (therightopinion is p good), and uh the whole parasocial relationship thing (so ive seen it be described as) is on my mind a lot now. since we view ppl as relatable and feel like we know them. now, of course, there’s a difference in the personal experience one can have between a youtuber or internet celeb and a person on an interactive forum/social media platform. i would think that more interactive platforms like forums or discourd would feel more personal to some than a celebrity but still. 

the entire narration of paul’s during the spiking the coffee scene was so rational-seeming to him. and then the betrayal that his friends, the ones at Spelunk 04! and online felt hit me. like, i’ve never personally experienced that kind of betrayal since i dont have internet/stranger friends, but still i think it’s really relevant now. on the 26th chapter (2nd to last), the forum comments of JimWind and Sally’s Lil Sis hit especially hard. 

JimWind:

Wow. Wowwowow. I just finished reading the whole thing through the latest bit GW's posted. I had heard things about Spelunk 04 having something to do with restaurant workers dying, but I just figured that was a baseless rumor because it seemed so hard to understand how that could have happened. But what really shocks me here isn't even that, it's the fact that GlassWave dosed his/our friends with hard drugs. (Adderall is just prescription amphetamine, AKA speed! WTF!!!) "GlassHole" indeed! TBH it really makes me uncomfortable with GW and getting this whole story from him. Of course when I first read this

“maybe not even the other forum members, not even the best among them, not even Jim, say”

I was flattered, especially cause GW's always seemed like one of the sharpest and nicest posters around these parts (until now!!). But now it kinda makes me sick to my stomach. I don't want this guy to think I'm one of the "best" Cafe people. And I'm holding back judgment on all this Spelunk nonsense until I hear about it from someone WHO ISN'T GLASSWAVE. (Plus, this is stupid, but there's something that makes it even worse about the fact that the diner has my name :P) No matter how you slice it, it's a sad day for the Cafe. D:

Sally:

Yeah me too JimWind. I'm literally crying rn. First Spelunk went wrong, then we have to wait to hear about what happened, then we finally get the report but it's from this jerk! I'm really sad bc this forum has meant a lot to me over the last year (its been a really tough year for me) and now I'm worried that everyone here might be some sort of drug-pushing creep :( :( :(

before this, everyone felt connected in some way w/ chesscourt and safe. and paul/glasswave was a decent person in the community! he talked to other ppl. ppl trusted him enough to invite him to this thing and meet up irl. and then he just. spikes coffee with adderall.

idk, maybe its just me since i was too young to be on fandom spaces in 2004 and be on chatrooms and stuff, but i feel like when the internet first came out everyone felt safe on it to some degree and the internet and real life were seperate spaces. now, esp with social media like facebook, real life and the internet are super connected. 

the fact that paul caused harm to his friends by spiking their drinks without consent is horrible. but like i feel like to ppl from 2004 who might not have experienced this kind of closely tied internet/real life drama before and also might not have the same sense of internet stranger danger that ppl have today, the idea of a person from the internet harming you in real life could be terrifying. today, i think that horror stories of ppl meeting online and then things going wrong is so common and in the news that we don’t bat an eye to it. but i guess maybe to 2004 ppl, this is like the ultimate nightmare.

when i finished the book, i felt a bit let down by the ending and stuff. it felt a bit anti-climatic. but after thinking about this from (what i think is) a 2004 person’s perspective, this is p awful. and the whole unreliable narration thing was very good.

i thought of midsommar a bit when i was thinking abt the ending. like, sure a bunch of horrible gory stuff happened and ppl died. but the real horror sets in afterwards when you realize that the movie is abt a vulnerable lonely woman in a neglectful relationship being indoctrinated into a cult thru drugs, isolation, and love bombing, and it was kinda shown as a “good thing” bc the protag finally found a place she belonged. when really, she was being further trapped in life, this time in a cult.

idk, but i guess that’s my ramble on the northern caves.

tl;dr - i read an original story from AO3 that was kinda hyped up for a lovecraft-ish horror, but i ended up interpreting the horror aspect differently and didn’t really get the mundum/lovecraft-ish part i think?

[divergencyposts-blog]

  A/N: Hey guys, so I will be writing a part two to the other one eventually but I have had muse for this idea for months now and decided to just go with the flow and finally make it bloody happen. Heads up in this story, there will be violence, gore, well- you know what to expect when it comes to our Eric. I might even try a bit of smut eventually, but we’ll see. For now, please enjoy my attempt at a different take to an Eric Coulter imagine, and please feel free to ask or say anything about it. This might be a long story guys.. I’m talking chapter 60′s and stuff. But that’s only if you guys enjoy it to the point you want me to write more! It’s pretty pointless to write a story nobody will read. Let me know, please!

Y/F/N = Your first name

Y/L/N = Your last name

Y/N = Your name

Y/DoB = Your date of birth       

                                                  Forbidden in Every Way.                                                   Pt 1.

The moment you opened your eyes, everything seemed peculiar to you. Including the people. But somehow, instead of freaking out and demanding answers for the weird situation you had found yourself in, you found yourself feeling far too calm and relaxed pushing you way out of your comfort zone.. if it decided to make an appearance, that is.

The paranoia that seeped through the cracks of your mind and into your thoughts was soon replaced with a euphoria of numbing sensations, where your mind just blanked completely and refused to cooperate with you, in terms of letting you gain access. It appeared your mind had somehow found a mind of its own.

You felt like you were supposed to be freaked out as the IV’s clung to your skin, blotching the areas around it until a perfectly circular vessel of blood pooled around the intrusion into your skin. Monitors were everywhere, but they weren’t heart rate monitors or anything of the sort. Which is what should have had you completely freaking out by now. There were no heart rate monitors anywhere. No beeping could be heard. Instead, as you lay in the bed you had woke up in, all you could see was a railing and all you could hear were hushed whispers and footsteps circling around your bed. 

No, the thing that should have freaked you out but definitely didn’t, was that the hushed whispers belonged to people in long white lab coats, no name tags connected just an ID badge hung from the one pocket on the front of their left side torso, and all that they were doing were analyzing your entire flesh and bones on a computer.. that wasn’t a computer. It reminded you of that one time you went to see the film Lucy in the cinema with your friend Jez, where a woman had been a drug mule and the drugs eventually burst inside her and got into her system, and she ended up unlocking 100% capacity of her brain. She was able to pull up a sort of Artificial Portable Computer where ever she went, controlling everything no matter where she was or what she was doing. A similar sight in front of you now.

You bit your lip out of frustration as your eyebrows burrowed in a complexed manner. You were trying to locate the source of your emotions so you could pull them to surface and make sense of them, but just as soon as you had experienced just a pinch of an emotion, they were shackled and pulled hard from your grasp, leaving you with the numbing sensation you continuously encountered. 

You shifted your head to the right and saw a bedside table beside you with a pitcher of water and an empty glass beside it. A snore followed by a grunt sounded to your left. You groaned as you sat up and reached towards the handle of the pitcher, wanting to get some hydration in your system as soon as possible, but just as you were about to lift it with great difficulty, a hand came down and flattened over the top of the pitcher, pushing it so that it wouldn’t budge no matter how often you attempted to pry it from under the grip of the incredible sulk.

Who the hell doesn’t let a girl get hydrated?

Another attempt to remove the pitcher from under the hand failed, and you found yourself flustered with frustration as you let go of the handle and instead replaced it with the hand that prevented you from getting your fluids. You tried to manually remove the hand before huffing and putting your thumb and index finger over the middle of the webbing between the thumb and index finger of the hand on the pitcher. You squeezed indefinitely and without hesitation as you tried to find the nerve, but groaned loudly after your weak attempt and instead found yourself angrily throwing your arms back down to your sides on the bed. You looked forward and nearly knocked yourself out on the brick of a bicep that blocked your view, just about catching a glimpse of the maze like block tattoo on the lower arm before it disappeared out of view completely and instead was replaced with a rather dangerous and smug but handsomely devilish looking male, whose icy blue eyes connected with yours and pierced them with the steel they were made of. 

“Well then. Who the hell are you and how the fuck did you fall out of lightning?” You shrunk back in the bed. And the face only got closer, analyzing your reaction.

“Eric, step back you’re scaring her.” Came another voice as it got closer.

Eric’s amused features only got brighter as the smug features were replaced with a sadistic grin while he turned his attention to the other voice. “Very well..” He paused, straightening his posture but remaining where he stood.. still too close for comfort. “But she caught my attention the moment she landed at my feet.”

That earned a snort from you. As if I’d fall for this creep without laying eyes on him. Eric’s eyes fell to yours just as you hurriedly turned yours to stare at the cuticles on your nails. “Care to share?” Came the rough and deep voice you had grown somewhat addicted to already. If sleep would come soon, you’d enjoy just listening to the sound of his voice. It was very distinctive. 

“Nope.” Came your reply, a grin stretching your features as you tried your best to suppress any intentions of a laugh. 

“Perhaps we should start with your name. Can you tell us who you are?” The other voice, smooth like velvet, sounded closer and soon you were met with two pairs of legs on either side of your bed. 

You raised your head slowly, before bringing them to meet with the darker toned man’s own windows into his soul. Your eyes immediately widened in recognition as your best friend Jez made an appearance and you couldn’t help but laugh as you looked at him. Why does he sound so formal and why is he dressed like a futuristic asshole like this other one?

“I don’t get it.. is this a joke?” You started, looking between the two with an accusing finger pointing towards each of them before crisscrossing them to point the other direction and repeating the motion over and over. “Did you hire this Godlike piece of ass to play a prank on me?” You continued your query, landing both fingers on the one named Eric.

Both males looked confused as they looked down to you then back to each other. Well.. Eric might has just had his ego inflated. “Max?” The one called Eric, with the rough but distinctive voice sounded. “What is she talking about? Do you know her?”

Then you laughed again, cutting Jez off before he had time to even open his mouth and reply. “Now I know this is a set up. Where are the cameras? Is this MTV but poor people style?”

Jez, sorry.. ‘Max’ only frowned at you, causing you to become confused and irritated that he was still trying to pull this off when you had already caught him out and recognized him. What the fuck?

“Jeremiah.. you can stop now.” You voiced weakly, a worried look etching itself onto your features, and you felt at this point it could be a permanent look for you. The makeover, as Jez had kindly put it before this random event starts to happen. “Please?”

“Miss.. I’m sorry, but I’m not this Jeremiah person that you speak of. My name is Max and I’m a leader here at Dauntless.” He explained.

You wanted to believe him, he was your best friend right? You should never question your best friend when their features look that sure.. but how could you believe something so ludicrous when not more than 24 hours ago, you were just put into a police cell with your best friend for robbing a convenience store and had to call his deadbeat dad to come bail you both out and then proceed to give you both a lecture on how he could ‘lose his job if he has to bail out his miscreant son from jail one more time and miss out on another successful sale’. Boohoo.

“Right.. and I’m the Queen of England, and my main automobile is a Jammy fucking Dodger that runs solely on cigarette ash and water.” You reply sarcastically, rolling your eyes to add emphasis on the fact that you didn’t believe a fucking thing that came out of his mouth.

“Miss, can you-” You put your hand up to stop this ‘Max’ impersonation your friend Jez was playing. 

“You know my name. It’s Y/N.” You paused when you noted the uncertainty on his features, and a sudden feeling of dread washed over you and you were sure it was evident on your features when he didn’t act like he knew you at all. “Y/F/N Y/L/N? I’ve been your best friend for the past 18 years?”

When he still didn’t recognise you, you sat up firm and glared at the man who was, surprisingly, a very good actor. A sadistic grin, similar to the one Eric wore just moments ago, planted itself on the edges of your lips as you stared daringly into his eyes. “I helped you bury a fucking body? Practically lost my entire family’s heir looms in the process with the arson, you know, to rid of the fucking evidence?” 

Max stared wide eyed, mouth agape and closing every so often making him resemble a fish. 

“Jesus, I think you fucking broke him.” Eric muttered from the corner of the bed he had now perched himself on. “Y/N, right?” He questioned, making you nod your head cautiously in return. “Okay, Y/N. Can you tell me your date of birth and today’s date and year?”

You stared at him skeptically, unsure of why he would ask you these things. 

He saw your stare and almost immediately he figured out what you were thinking and immediately tried to reassure you as best as he could.. you think. He seemed like such a complicated man with a very sickening and morbid sense of humour already. “It’s just proceedure that we ask these questions so we can detemine whether or not your brain is functioning as it should be.”

You nod, understanding. So you don’t miss a beat when you tell him. “My date of birth is Y/DoB. And today’s date is January 19th 2019.”

When you say this, a bewildered look crosses both the mens features before they stare at each other then towards the scientists or doctors, whatever they are, that were just an arms length away from the bed studying the air computers. When they nodded back to the men, both men appeared startled and as they turned their attention back to you, you gulped and shrunk back against your pillow. Sliding down the bed very easily and nearly nudging Eric with your foot. 

You saw their faces, and you knew something was wrong. “What is it?” You quietly asked, fretting the answer. 

“Y/N, today is June 2nd 3079.”

Now it was your turn to look bewildered. And you were sure you did just that as you sat wide eyed and mouth open, before eventually letting the darkness that started to seep into your vision eventually take over and consume you.