#ive put so many hours into this game but i don't know how to say. like. do NOT buy this game.

[not-kaiva]

ive been playing a specific, unnamed farming sim lately and i have so MANY issues with it. ranging from specific troubles with the fishing, to the general economy balance, but now i've started writing down the most niche bullshit. for example. the two devs quit their jobs 6 years ago (???), kickstarted the game in oct 2023, raised 26ish thousand dollars. moved. married. bought a purebred dog. the kickstarter promo gifs look exactly like the game now, so…what was added? what was that original 5k for? the fact that they quit their jobs & are relying on this game to support them is all OVER their marketing, so this isn't something i dug up. it's front and center.

[hellodropbear]

like she used to (V)

alexia putellas x sister

chapter I, II, III, IV

from alexia's perspective tonight :)

~~~~~~

My younger sister hates me. 

I don't know why, I don't even know when it happened. 

But I know that my younger sister hates me, and I have absolutely no idea what to do about it. 

I have known there was something wrong since she started skipping our dinners on Thursdays, claiming to have Barcelona B training until late. 

I knew they finished up an hour before dinner started. 

Alba says that I spent to much time away from her, that I didn't focus on her enough. 

Mami says that she is growing up and simply becoming less reliant on her older sisters. 

But neither of those explanations seem to make sense, because my younger sister is not the girl that I once knew any more. 

The girl who would sleep in my bed every night, who wiped my tears when I cried and put a smile on my face when all I wanted to do was bury my face into my pillow and scream about how unfair the world was. 

Because she's Elena and she's happy, she always has been.

But Elena does not seem happy anymore. And I don't know when it changed, but I hate myself for not being there to make her smile like she did for me so many times when we were younger. I hate myself for not being there to put a smile back on her face as soon as it fell off. 

She lives with bags under her eyes, her usually olive skin turned pale, her eyes constantly downcast and her eyebrows set in a solemn line. 

She used to tell me everything, but then I blinked and my baby sister's name was on my team sheet and I didn't even know she had been training with the first team. 

Mami said that she was sleeping, that she didn't want to talk about it now. Mapi told me the next day that she found her 45 minutes away from home, sitting in the park by her house. 

I should have been there more, I should have gone to her games. I know that, everyone knows that. But I broke up with Jenni, who had been my rock for as long as I could remember. I broke up with Jenni and she moved to Mexico, leaving me alone for the first time, in an apartment full of memories that would swallow me every time I entered.

I felt alone, every fibre of my being felt alone. I was isolated and my world was crumbling around me. And I didn't know who to turn to, I didn't know where I could find support. 

I didn't know that Elena was sat at home in bed, staring at her phone and waiting for me to call her, to text her. 

I used to call her every night, but slowly, those phone calls died out. Elena would all asleep with her phone in her lap. Until she gave up. Until she switched her phone off as soon as she reached her bedroom in the evenings. 

Back when Papi died, I relied probably a bit too much on my little sister to get me through it. Mami always said it was the wrong thing so I didn't want to make that mistake again. I avoided Elena, not wanting her to realise how weak I really am. She always said she admired me for being strong, powerful. I was her inspiration, her hero. 

I didn't want to ruin that image she had of me by crying on Mami's couch, unable to be alone after something as superficial as a breakup. 

But I think I ruined that image in other ways. 

I stopped going to her games. 

I stopped holding her as she fell asleep in my lap on a Thursday evening, instead watching her move further and further away from me on the sofa, until she wasn't there at all. 

I stopped being there for her, helping her with her homework, picking her up from training, taking her out for ice cream. 

I stopped being her sister, and I don't think I will ever forgive myself. 

I don't think she will ever forgive me either. 

And to make everything worse, I only thought about it properly when Olga brought it up a few weeks ago. 

"Why haven't I met your younger sister yet? There are so many photos of her here, but I have never even spoken to her."

It was then that everything came crashing down, reality hitting me like a truck, driving 100 kilometres an hour along the highway. 

Olga couldn't understand why I was suddenly sobbing into her arms, my words more incoherent than my thoughts. But she held me close and told me one thing. 

"If there is something wrong with your little sister, you need to fix it."

Obviously she was right, she didn't need to tell me that. 

I felt an enormous surge of guilt explode inside of me, and for once Olga's arms didn't do anything to help me. I don't deserve her comfort, I don't deserve to feel good when I have left my baby sister behind. 

Because she is everything to me but I haven't spoken to her in two years. 

I don't know how I let it go this far.

~~~~~~

Mapi's voice is scratchy and quiet over the phone, and I could tell something is wrong. She wouldn't tell me what. 

"Elena is here with me. I texted Eli but she didn't reply but I needed to tell someone that she is safe and asleep in my spare room. We will take her to the game in the morning."

She didn't say much else, other than that she found my sister at the park after she had taken the bus from home. 

But, the look that she gave me at the game the next day told me everything I need to know. 

It wasn't angry, really, she just looked confused and hurt. She looked upset as well and I knew exactly what it was about. Because Elena has always loved Mapi, and Mapi has always treated Elena like a little sister. 

Elena would have told Mapi something, and even though I don't know what it was, I know it would have been bad enough to make Mapi overthink everything, to realise how awful I have been over the past few years. 

I was anxious through the whole game, separated from my best friend by Frido and Jana, trying my best to ignore the looks that Mapi kept sending me. 

The looks that were filled with such emotion that I couldn't handle. Emotions that were hard to read because they were filled with so much meaning. 

I am too much of a coward to face her and my consequences, I realise, so I ignore it for as long as I can. 

But I knew I could not avoid everything when Mami pulled me to the side after the rest of the girls had gone back into the changing rooms, after Alba had gone to the bathroom. 

"What are you doing?" 

She was furious, and for good reason. But I stay silent, still too scared, too guilty about everything I had done. The only thing on my mind was  trying to figure out how I could ever fix this. 

"Alexia Putellas! Answer me! What are you doing?" 

Her face was almost red, but if I looked hard enough I would have been able to see the tears that dried up in her eyes, never given the chance to slip down her face. 

"What do you mean, Mami?" 

She rolled her eyes dramatically and scoffed loudly. 

"Your baby sister is 15 years old and without any help from you, her older sister, was sitting on the bench for your team. The best team in Europe. She is 15, Alexia! This is such a huge achievement and all she wants is a hug from you, for you to tell her you are proud of her, that you love her. But no. Nothing. Nothing at all from the great Alexia Putellas who cares about nothing but her career!" 

Mami's words are a slap in the face, really. Thinking back to them, however, they are the truth. The terrible, painful, horrendous truth. 

Not that I don't care about anything but my career, of course, but about how I haven't done anything to help Elena get to where she is. 

I pause before responding, debating internally how I should respond. 

I could respond with fire, but that would just make Mami even more furious.

So I don't. 

"I know she is, Mami! That is why I am about to go do exactly that. I am so, so proud of her but I can't find the words to tell her just how proud I am."

She looks at me for a moment, as if assessing the validity of my statement. 

"We are going out to dinner tonight, Alexia. You are coming with us and we are celebrating Elena. Not you, Elena."

I nod, telling her that I will go get Elena and meet her and Alba outside. 

Except that doesn't happen, because I see Elena in the changing rooms, but she doesn't seem to want to have anything to do with me. 

I see the 15 year old girl laughing and interacting with my team, holding Aitana close and whispering in her ear. 

But honestly, the whole scene flipped my insides out. I am not focused on Olga as she chats to me, as she notices how distant I am from reality, moving towards Mapi. 

When I do finally speak to my sister, it does not go well. She is cold and I don't know how to get through to her because she is right to not want to talk to me, she is right to stick up for herself. I have messed up and I still have no idea how to fix things. And until I do, she is right to act like this. 

So I didn't end up going to their dinner, instead sitting alone in my apartment and staring blankly at my switched off tv, wondering what on earth I can do to fix this mess. To fix this mess that I single handedly created. 

It meant that Mami came round late, storming into my apartment, smoke practically billowing from her ears.

"You have messed up, Alexia. She is so upset and it is entirely your fault! You are stupid, you are irresponsible and you have been a terrible sister." 

I cowered under her strong gaze but she did not soften. She sat down, placing her head in her hands.

"You are almost 30! You should know better. I have not raised you to be like this, I have not raised you to throw people away without any thought, not caring how it might affect them. She is so confused and so, so upset and it is all because of you. All because you decided a few years ago that you did not have time for her anymore."

"Mami-"

There are tears in my eyes, but Mami can not see them. Mami does not care, she should not care because I did all of this, all by myself. 

"No, Alexia. You will tell me what has happened, why you have done this. You have ripped apart our family, Alexia. Alba is practically mourning the destruction of it and I just can not begin to understand why you have decided Elena doesn't mean anything to you any more."

"I haven't decided that!" My yell took my mother off guard and she recoiled. I continued before she could speak again. 

"I love her! So much and I am proud of her! I don't know what I have done, Mami and I don't know how to fix this." The tears that filled my eyes began to slip down my face. "I have ruined everything."

My voice broke and Mami softened, looking at me in confusion, some sort of inner turmoil and for the first time in my life, I recognised that she had no idea what to do. 

She didn't know what to do as I broke down into sobs, my body practically folding into itself, loud cries wracking through my body. 

"I don't know what is wrong with me." 

~~~~~~

Mami and I spoke for ages that evening. She convinced me that I should take a step back and let Elena come to me. That I should try and talk to Elena soon to tell her that I love her, that I am proud of her. 

But it ended up with another unsuccessful attempt of speaking to Elena. She was in bed and wanted nothing to do with what I wanted to say. I told her everything that Mami told me I should, ignoring the protests of my insides. 

I do not want to take a step back because I am already so far away. I want to be there for my sister like I should be, there for a hug or for some assurance. But that is not what I tell her, because apparently, that is not what would be the best for her. 

All I want is the best for her. 

I want nothing more than to tell her I want to be a part of her life like I used to be, I want things to just go back to normal. But nothing is that easy. I have to face the consequences of all my mistakes. 

Huge, terrible, life altering mistakes.

I tried again the next morning, but she ignored me completely, heading up to her room without a single utterance of a word. I could practically hear her exhale in relief as the piano chair creaked and waited until she had begun her playing to walk upstairs and sit by her door. 

She has improved at it so much, skyrocketing right past the level that Papi used to play at. The notes rang out at such a pace that I could barely keep track of where the song was going, up, down, fast, slow, loud, soft. 

The rhythms flew through the house and I didn't register the warm liquid slipping down my face until it fell with a splat into my lap. 

It is painful to realise how much I have missed; how much I miss her. 

Her playing is mesmerising and I could feel the emotion that radiates from her and her piano. 

It used to be Papi's, but now it is hers.

Because she has grown up into such a talented person and our father would be so proud of her. 

Me, I don't think he would be so proud of. 

And I hate myself because of it. 

The song broke down into soft chords and if I strained my ears I could hear her quiet whimpers. But I can't comfort her any more. 

No matter how much I want to. 

She will not be comforted by me. She doesn't want me there to comfort her. 

So I creep down the stairs and leave. I drive back to my apartment, back to Olga. 

At this point, I am used to the constant stream of water on my face. 

But there is nobody to blame but myself. 

~~~~~~

The next few weeks were equally as painful, despite Olga's efforts to lighten me up. My mood was down when I woke up in the mornings, and only got worse after training, seeing Elena light up when she spoke to my friends but escape every room I entered, cowering when I glanced over at her, leaving conversations as soon as I joined them. 

It's like she is scared of me, intimidated by me. I hate it. 

Mapi was silent in rehab, which is a big change from the constant stream of chatter I am used to. I don't think she knows what to say to me anymore, knowing what I have done. 

I wouldn't know what to say to me either. 

It is Vicky approaches me one day after training. We are all sat in the changing rooms when wanders over and asks for help with her homework. It is maths, and I tell her with a laugh that I will be no help at all, but she persists, opening her book and pointing at the maths equations, confusion written all over her face. 

I help her as much as I can, laughing at the drawings she has scrawled out on her page, explaining the trigonometry to her as she stares at me intensely. It takes a while, but she gets it eventually, finally answering a question correctly. 

"Nice, Vicky! So much better, so quickly!" 

Mapi stands up from across the room, grabbing her bag and storming out of the room, slamming the door behind her. 

From where they are sitting in quiet conversation, my sister and Aitana look up at the door, their eyes scanning the room. Aitana's eyes land on me first and she rolls them dramatically, shaking her head in what looks like disgust. 

"Vicky, I did that yesterday. I can help you." 

Elena's voice is level, but I can see confusion in her eyes at the scene that had just unfolded. 

Vicky sighs in relief, closing her book and walking across the room to Elena. 

"I forgot you were smart!" She beams, plonking herself down on the seat beside my sister and they both dive into the world of mathematics. 

Aitana is standing up by now, her bag over her shoulder. 

"Alexia, can I speak to you outside?" Her voice is steady as she continues. "There is something wrong with my dribbling and I would like some help."

It is a lie and everyone knows it. There is never anything wrong with Aitana's dribbling. 

But I pick up my bag, following the shorter midfielder out the door, immediately faced by Mapi who stands there, anger all over her face. 

"What the hell are you doing?" Her voice is low and her words come out as a whisper, full of venom. Full of anger. 

It is something I am not used to from Mapi and it takes me off guard. My hesitance gives her the chance to continue.

"Helping Vicky Lopez with her maths when you don't have the first clue whether Elena is even at school. Elena, your sister."

"She goes to school." 

My voice is full of confidence, but Mapi is right, I don't even know how she manages to fit it all in. I don't know the first thing about her timetable. 

She rolls her eyes, scoffing. 

"Do you understand just how much damage you have done?"

I nod, inhaling and exhaling deeply. 

"She hates me, I know. I have ruined everything. It is all my fault."

Mapi nods, but it is Aitana who speaks next. 

"She doesn't even hate you, Alexia. It just shows how much she loves you. You have done all this and she still loves you, still would do absolutely anything to get your approval, your attention."

I blink to stop the tears and bite the insides of my mouth to stop it from trembling. 

"She has been begging for you to notice how hard she has been working. How well she is doing. But you do not, you don't see her, it is like you are blind! And then Vicky Lopez gets a maths question right and you give her more praise than you give Elena for being selected in this team, for working hard, for being so, so incredible." 

If Aitana wasn't whispering to keep this conversation from the ears of the people in the room we just left, she would be fully yelling, her face red and her eyes narrow. 

"She is perfect, Alexia, and it is so sad because you just can't see it, you can't see how good she is, how smart, how kind, caring. And it makes me so, so angry because you have changed her so much in the past few years, and not in a good way."

Mapi puts her hand on Aitana's arm, trying to get her to stop. Mapi knows me well, and knows when I am about to break. 

But the usually stoic midfielder has tears in her eyes when she continues, her voice softening and breaking at the same time. 

"She was such a happy little girl, so excited by everything. She loves you so much and she always looked up to you. But now she is insecure, she is lonely, isolated. She is confused and feels like she needs to fight for validation every day. Everyone has pressure on them in this team, especially when they are young, new blood. Coming from La Masia and the B team you should know this, Alexia. You should know about the pressure better than anyone because I do too. But your sister? She has it worse than anyone because she has all that, but she is your sister. Alexia Putellas, two time Ballon d'Or winner. She has to live up to that in some way and is trying to hard to do it without anyone's help. She is only 15, Alexia. 15."

Aitana stops, but I am not sure whether it is because she has nothing more to say or if it is because she is too upset. She is silenced by weak tears, shaking her head as Mapi places a soft arm around her shoulder. 

"She is right, Alexia." Mapi's voice is soft and she looks at me with that same concerned glint in her eye. "And I don't know what is going on with you, but whatever it is, it needs to be fixed. You have made some significant damage and if you don't do something about it, it will all become irreparable."

"I don't know what to do." It is a cry for help, and it is all I can say without letting my tears escape from me once more. 

Because Aitana's words are nothing I don't know, but the fact that she is saying them, that she feels the need to tell me all that, is enough to tell me that it is not clear to anyone that I already know. 

Because I have been a bad sister, I am not denying it. 

And I am guilty, I feel absolutely terrible. 

Mami said to leave her alone, let her come to me, but I don't think that was her best advice any more, because my sister is struggling. 

She is struggling and I am only making it worse. 

But I can't do anything about it. 

When she was little, she would be the person I would go to when I needed to be cheered up. She would make me smile, laugh, feel better about myself and the world around me. Her small arms would wrap around me, her chubby fingers would wipe my tears from my face and she would chatter and giggle into my ears until I was smiling again. 

She was the light in our household when Papi died, but I think that was partially because she didn't understand what was happening. 

We avoided his study like it had the plague, she would go and sit on the piano stall, practicing the songs he had taught her. 

She gave us endless cuddles, basking in our attention, her heart set on making us feel better, on putting a smile back on our faces. 

She made the darkest time of our lives bearable, she helped me get through the hardest times of my life. 

And this... this is how I repay her. 

"Ale... Alexia? Ale." Mapi's hand is on my shoulder and Aitana looks at me curiously. 

"Stop, just... stop." My voice is soft, and Mapi's eyes soften as I slide down the wall behind me. "I just... I don't know what to do."

Mapi sits down beside me, perhaps thinking that maybe she had been too harsh. 

"I had Elena over yesterday." Mapi's voice is quiet. "She said... she said she misses you, Alexia. And that... she said you told her you were going to take a step back. She thinks you already did. She doesn't want that. She just wants you."

"But I have ruined everything, Maria. This is all my fault." A singular tear finds itself on my cheek and Mapi places an arm around me. 

"You're right, you made so many mistakes. But I know you, I know you love her. She means everything to you. And she loves you as well, Ale. I know you two can get through this, but she is struggling to stay afloat with all this pressure and no support. Aitana and I... we need to look out for her because your Mami works all the time and she doesn't want to burden Alba with her problems and ruin her life. We need to be there for her at the moment because the poor girl is crumbling."

I wish she would realise that I am crumbling too. 

Olga is always there to hold me, to calm me down, but as much as she tries, she can't understand what is going on with Elena. She doesn't know Elena, which I know is my fault. 

But Mami is angry with me, so is Alba. For good reason. 

And Mapi is my best friend, but she needs to be there for Elena. 

All I want to do is cry out for help, but I know I can not because I caused it. 

"I am taking Elena out this afternoon." Aitana speaks up from where she has been stood silently. "I will talk to her again, we will work on it. I'm going to go now, but Alexia, if you need to, you can talk to any one of us."

I nod at her, trying to muster a smile onto my face as she walks back into the changing room. 

"Mapi, you are my best friend." 

She nods. 

"You will be honest?"

She nods again. 

"Do you think this is fixable? Do you think I've ruined my chance of ever getting my Lena back?" 

She rests her head on my shoulder. 

"I hope so. I miss seeing the smiles on both of your faces and truthfully, I don't think that Elena will thrive here if she keeps going on like this. She needs support, from you, your Mami and your sister and I don't really think she is getting it."

"But Mami and Alba are there for her!" I find myself getting defensive of my family. 

"I know they are, but she needs more than that at the moment. She has been skipping school because nobody is home to tell her to go to it, she has been skipping meals because nobody is home to eat with her. She doesn't sleep properly, she doesn't eat properly. It is not your mother's fault that she has to work, or Alba's fault that Elena doesn't want to burden her, but she needs more support than she is getting." 

My brain is telling me that Mapi is wrong, that my sister is fine, that my family is fine. But in my heart, I know she is right. And it makes me feel sick. 

Because if it wasn't for me being such a terrible sister, such a terrible person, Elena would not be struggling so much. She would not need Mami or Alba as much as she does, she would be thriving in this environment. 

But she is not. 

The pressure is something I only really felt when I got older, when I had thicker skin. I had a force of people around me to fall back on, to get support from. But Elena has so much pressure building on her at 15, with less experience, with less people to support her. 

And the pressure will keep building and building on top of her, until it is so high that everything falls over, falling down on top of her until she breaks. 

As if reading my mind, Mapi continues after her pause. 

"And if she does crumble under all this pressure, she will need so much support. Aitana and I will be there for her, if nobody else is."

~~~~~~ hope you enjoyed :)

Will probably be back to elena's perspective next chapter, just thought it'd be easier to write this in a different one

part VI

[voidsaez]

◞ ྀི◟ ͜ ׁ ˙ ◞ ྀི◟ ͜ ◞ ྀི◟ ͜ ׁ ˙ ◞ ྀི◟ ͜ ◞ ྀི◟ ͜ ׁ ˙ ◞ ྀི◟ ͜ ◞ ྀི ◞

— not with code. ( colin ritman x reader ) no warn !!

a/n : he needs more love. i cant find any colin fics anymore i feel like ive read all of them, ao3, tumblr, wattpad ..

summary : colin doesn’t enjoy how the new guy, stefan, tries to waltz in and mess with the game you two worked on.

July 10, 1984 at 2:48pm

your pov :

He’s laid down on the couch of the office, flicking through pages of his magazine while I’m working on the code, does he ever get off his ass?

My thoughts are interrupted when his nasal voice breaks the silence. “You’re doing it wrong.” He says, not even looking up at me.

“Very helpful, Colin, gonna tell me how to fix it anytime soon?” I say, rolling my eyes at him.

Sighing, he gets up from his chair as he puts the magazine back down. I can feel him leaning over my shoulder to look over at the monitor.

“See this line of code here?” He asks, as he’s pointing at the screen.

“There’s nothing wrong with that one.” I say, looking over my shoulder, up at him.

He raises an eyebrow. "Are you sure about that? Look again." He leans even closer, his cheek almost against mine.

How’d I miss that? God, I’m stupid. I hold down on the backspace key, undoing that part of code to re-enter it.

“Have you met the new guy yet?” I ask, “Stefan, his name was.”

sitting back down, he rolls his eyes. “Oh, that guy. Yeah, I’ve met him.” He says. “Cocky little know-it-all, isn’t he?”

Colin scoffs. He’s so judgmental sometimes, Stefan’s nice.

“He’s nice, you know.” I retort, huffing as I continue working on the code, my fingertips pressing against the keyboard.

“Nice?” Colin narrows his eyes at that. “A pretentious little prick, he’s been here one day, and he’s already trying to one-up me.”

I seriously don’t understand why he has to be an asshole about everything sometimes.

“You know, he helped me with the code earlier, without any hassle.” I say, an emphasis on the last statement.

At least Stefan didn’t get frustrated anytime I asked for help.

I could tell his expression souring after that. “He helped you?” Colin mutters.

“You were on a smoke break.” I say, shrugging. “Plus, we could always use some help on nohzdyve.”

He grumbles, sounding irritated. "Nohzdyve is our game, if you need help, you get it from me.”

Seriously? “I think you’ll live if the kid helps me with what- two lines of code?” I say.

Colin crosses his arms, his irritation growing even further.

"It's not just about the code, it's about the principle. We don't need some newbie coming in here and taking credit for our work.” He retorts.

“He’s not taking any credit,” I pause, to turn and look at him. “It’s two lines of code!” I say, raising my hands in the air.

He clenches his jaw, clearly frustrated, and over what? some script?

"It’s not about how many lines it is, it's about him sticking his nose where it doesn't belong." He says.

Before I can even respond, he gets up and throws the magazine down on the floor.

He huffs in annoyance. "Fine, have your new friend help you with your code, but don't come crying to me when he messes it all up." He rolls his eyes at me.

He turns and walks away, I could hear him mumbling under his breath about how he knew the code better.

“Colin!” I call out his name, knowing we’re far from done for the day, he doesn’t even try looking back.

Could he get any more immature?

July 11, 1984 at 10:39am

your pov :

Colin being unusually late, and leaving me needing help with the program, I called in Stefan to help me with a few parts.

Of course, that’s the same time Colin walks in, and hour late.

“Colin,” I pause for a second. “You’re late.” I say, looking at him.

He huffs, walking to take a seat down next to me. “It’s not my fault, I was late because-“ He pauses, looking over at Stefan.

“-Nevermind, it’s none of your business.” He mumbles, a harsh tone in his voice.

His gaze flickers over to Stefan, give me just a split second and I could already tell he wasn’t happy with him here.

I look back over to Colin, and then to Stefan.

“Sorry, I just needed him to help me with some code.” I say, “You can go now, Stef.”

Stefan gives me a polite nod before getting up from his spot on the couch, gathering his things as he leaves.

The silence between Colin and I is almost palpable, when I turn over to look at him, we break the silence, speaking over each other.

“For fuck’s sake Colin, it’s just code.”

“You really asked him for help, again?”

Colin rolls his eyes, clearly annoyed. "It's not just about the code, it's the principle. We’ve been working on this project together for months now, and suddenly you're asking the new guy for help? What happened to trusting me?"

“I do trust you, but I’m also allowed to ask for help from others when you’re not around!” I say.

He huffs in frustration. "And what makes you think Stefan can help you any better than I can? We started this project together. Shouldn’t that warrant some loyalty?"

I stand up from my seat, though, it doesn’t make much difference. He’s got maybe 10 inches on me.

“You’re making such a big deal out of this, my god, Colin, it’s just code!”

He stands up, towering over me, his irritation clearer. “Are you stupid!?” He asks.

“It’s not about the code- It’s about-“ He trails off, looking at me.

Then just another second later, he closes the gap in between us, his hand on the back of my head as he brings our lips together.

What?

My fingers are wrapped around his arm, the one which hand is gripping the hair at the back of my head. I part from the kiss.

He looks at me, and we just stay like that for a while, in silence that speaks volumes.

He leans in even closer, his forehead against mine. "It's not just about the code," he mutters, his voice a low rumble.

"It's about us having something special and I don't want some new guy coming in and taking part in that." He says.

I hold his wrist, my thumb running over the back of his hand.

He shakes his head, “I don’t want anyone taking my place. Not with the code, not with you.” He says.

◞ ྀི◟ ͜ ׁ ˙ ◞ ྀི◟ ͜ ◞ ྀི◟ ͜ ׁ ˙ ◞ ྀི◟ ͜ ◞ ྀི◟ ͜ ׁ ˙ ◞ ྀི◟ ͜ ◞ ྀི ◞

[punishing-eden]

Hello, I was wondering if u could do a request,like how the constructs react and do when they realize that commandant is deathly afraid of needles. Idk if ur accepting requests at the moment but if you do reply will you do gray/grey raven and strike hawk?? . Thank you in advance(⁠ ⁠˘⁠ ⁠³⁠˘⁠)⁠♥

Twas, But a Pinch...

Pgr Headcanons

The clock ticked by in the infirmary room. You were sitting by the waiting bench. Your leg was shaking out of nervousness. If you could, you would have opted out of the appointment, but you know it can't...

Wanshi (Hypnos)

Wanshi was sleeping in the infirmary room, when he was rudely awakened by you making a scene.

The nurse told you to take a small break before proceeding. Sitting at the waiting bench, you tried to calm your beating heart.

"What's all that ruckus about?" Wanshi seems to came out of nowhere to ask. You were flustered by his question.

"I need to take my shot, and I just can't take it... The needles... " you couldn't finish your sentence.

Wanshi understood what you were going through, and this wasn't the first time he comes across patients like you.

He suddenly asks you questions like, "How your catLee?".

Then, he would play little games with you, drawing patterns on your skin for you to guess what he was drawing.

For a rare moment, you saw Wanshi smiled at you.

"Hm? Is there something on my face?" you asked.

"Done!" the nurse said. You were surprised and turned to see the nurse had already given you your shot, and was patching the small wound up.

Wanshi had distracted you from the pain and the attention to the needle.

"Well, my job here is done," Wanshi said before crawling back to one of the infirmary beds. He quickly fell alseep. Leaving you, dumbfounded.

Lee (Paleflame/Entropy)

Lee knows about your fear of needles, he had seen you struggle to take serums by yourself during missions, and needed Liv's to help.

He has rationalized your fear the moment you explained it to him. Yet, it doesn't prepare him to see you crawling that his arm, as the nurse tried to give you your IV drip.

"Now is not the time to be messing around," he said. The held his usual scowl.

But you would not budge, you keep holding on to Lee, crying and begging.

He think it would make you feel less afraid if you know all about the logistics and process of getting an IV.

Lee proceeds to tell you the step by step process. He uses many scientific vocabulary, and provided numbers from statistics.

He says it with such rationale and seriousness, he had failed to noticed you had already braced the inevitable and put the IV catheter on.

You rather just get it done with than to hear Lee ramble about it.

"Lee... We are done..." you said to get him to stop.

Lee stops immediately, and thinks he did a job well done. "Well, that was effective and quick. I shall see you in a 2 hours."

Goes back to his room and continues to dismantle his gears.

Lucia (Plume)

Very proactive in voicing her concerns about your fear in your monthly body check up.

"Will you be okay with it, Commandant?"

You reassured her you will be find, but deep down you are not fine.

Lucia would be in doubt as well, so she decided to go with you.

To see you go through this much for an injection, Lucia wish she could do something, but she can't. She wishes Liv was there.

She could only try to get you to calm down. "Commandant, you don't have to get it if you don't want to." she said.

"No, I have to..." you voice shook, "It's an requirement." Whatever your decision is, she fully supports, and be with you through the whole way.

The appointment lasted longer that it was expected. You finally got your shot.

Kamui (Bastion/ Tenebrion)

Does not, and could not, understand your fear at all.

He is genuinely confused when you told him about it. "Hm? How come?" he asked.

"But don't you have to take serums too? Those bottles got needles as well." he said.

You tried to explain to Kamui that the serum bottles were different. You have your own way of injecting it yourself, and Liv would also be there to help.

He wants to understand it and asked, "Can you show it to me?"

He probably word it incorrectly. You flat out said no. You don't want to subject yourself to your fear if it's not nesscary.

He ruminates on that thought about human fear to the point Chrome gets worried by how silent Kamui is.

Chrome (Archlight)

Chrome would ponder about your phobia, trying to find a solution for it.

Pours all his after hours into looking for better ways to help you overcome or to lessen the fear of your upcoming injection appointment.

Chrome invites you to meet up with him, and proceeds to tell you, "Commandant, I have a few exercises that I think would help with your phobia."

So essentially, he tried many ways to help you to overcome needles, and is very diligent about it.

However, he would not be accompany you to the infirmary on your appointment for, 1, he's busy, and 2, he believes these matters is your privacy, and to accompany would be inappropriate.

Needless to say, he will be thinking about you constantly.

Liv (Benediction)

Liv is the only one you trust around needles.

You know she will not hurt you on purpose, and is experienced enough to know how to work around your phobia

Liv, at first, was a little shocked and worried about your phobia of needles. There are many medical procedure that needs the use of needles.

But, she persisted to know what is the most comfortable for you and help you with serum injections.

Hence, whenever there are needles involved, Liv will alway take over that duty for you and administer the injection.

If Liv is not with you, she would leave a step by step guide for the other person to help you with injections.

All was well, and you are good to go after that.

(C) Punishing Eden

══════════════════

Author's notes:

This has been sitting in my ask for a while. I have been slowly getting back at gaming recently, so my characterisation might be a little rusty for the time being.

-Punishing eden

[sscrubberhose]

Ya got any dialtown headcanons? :3

hooo boy. ive been chewing on this all day and I think i have a decent amount to say!

Spoilers for Dialtown!

Tw for mentions of suicidal ideation and religious guilt

Phone/Typegingi:

-Is aware of everything that happens in my fics but forgets

-is more aware of how people perceive them than people give them credit for, wants to make everyone happy

-has a strong fear of being alone, which is why they bother people so relentlessly. if they were to be fully ignored for an extended period of time they would have a breakdown

-Has both the phone and the typewriter head and can change them out at will, dont ask where they keep them.

-has bitten theoroar many, many times and will do so again. is even more fearful and hateful of him after the zoo explosion

-has a lot of love to give and genuinely prefers being around their friends

-has a level of intelligence that is genuinely sort of surprising sometimes. this intelligence is used at random

-is surprisingly easy and hard to kill at the same time

-the narrator is actually a separate entity to them who cares about them very much

-seems to be passively suicidal but no one can tell if theyre joking or not

-roger rabbit rules, whatever biology is funniest is what they have

-perceived height changes based off of this rule as well. no one notices.

-breaks into town hall once a month for funsies

-enjoys sweet things quite a bit

-autistic beast

Randy:

-is actually a decent cartoonist, but rarely draws due to hand pain. likes drawing gingi and oliver the most

-has a lot of religious guilt due to growing up catholic with a very very strict, religious father, left home as soon as he could. also why he is afraid to talk to God.(hobo)

-father harped on him his entire childhood about being a burden, now feels that he owes the world for existing. this is slowly healing.

-due to his upbringing hes still learning how to function as an adult, i.e cleaning, cooking for himself, things like that. hes working on it!

-has sensory issues, has ASD

-fear of cgi animals comes from having to watch weird religious propaganda films for kids when he was young. he is getting over it thanks to oliver.

-extremely observant and notices things a lot of people don't, but usually doesnt say anything for fear of being annoying

-knows shooty and stabby on a first name basis(not that he knows whos who)

-sees Norm as a father figure but would never admit that

-has a long list of phobias that hes working on recovering from, but is too nervous to go to therapy for

-has a LOT of plushies in the ticket booth that Oliver and Gingi have given him, refuses to get rid of any of them

-taking the bandage off wont instantly kill him, he doesn't know this.

-can skateboard, does not do this often

-gets sick very easily, has to be forced to rest as he tries to insist hes not sick

-is roommates with Oliver, they have a bunk bed

-got his number changed so the hotline wasnt tied to him anymore

-is actually a good singer, never sings due to thinking he sucks. Will hum to himself while working at the ticket booth

Karen;

-Has actually gotten fairly close to the other datables since the conclusion of the game, doesnt know how to express this

-Visits Dialtown for a few months out of the year to catch up and spend time with her friends

-part of her contract with helping rebuild was better wages for those who worked at the bank. It took a lot of arguing but she felt that no one should suffer like she did.

-expresses her love for her friends by making them ponysonas. Is a huge pegasister. will infodump about it for hours to anyone who will listen

-enjoys botanical illustrations the best, next to drawing horses

-draws horses with normal horse heads as a form of abstraction

-puts capsaicin oil in her paints so Gingi will stop drinking them. This did not work.

-enjoys vintage movies and game shows and talks at length with Oliver about them when they go out for coffee or dinner together.

-she and randy doodle together sometimes

-also has severe sensory issues and has safe outfits she wears. will cry if she has to touch certain fabrics. (LOOKING AT YOU CRUSHED VELVET)

-safe foods are microwave dinners and pasta, but she keeps her diet balanced.

-her and Norm get along now and will sometimes go for hikes and chat about life(and ways to wrangle gingi)

-allergic to shrimps

-can play piano

Oliver:

-Got a new therapist who doesnt think hes weird or annoying(it didnt phase him but thats not groovy to say to someone)

-has POTS, often needs to sit down at work so he doesnt faint.

-is a HUGE horror fan, could tell you everything about the behind the scenes of every major and minor horror movie to come out in the last decade.

-works as a haunt actor for the Dialtown Haunted House every single Halloween, wants to run it someday

-has a log of every new thing he notices about Gingis biology, the log is three books long now.

-Really wants to run a youtube channel where he does amateur ghost hunting with randy, has yet to convince randy that this is a good idea

-is very physically affectionate, though he does ask permission first before touching anyone!

-Has had top and bottom surgery and is comfortable where his transition is, thankfully his insurance under Mr. Dickens covered it! (Mingus isnt a TOTAL monster)

-has a digital scrap book of all his favorite memories with his friends

-makes rage comics unironically.

-favorite color is actually black, red just seems to be his thing!

-has been legally adopted by Mr. Dickens but decided to keep his last name as Swift because "it was rad."

-is actually friends with most of the ghosts and poltergeists that live in the cinema/scareshack

-kept the popcorn and soda dispensers, but got the soda dispensers to dispense SODA and not...whatever the fuck it was doing before.

-helped renovate the basement of the cinema into a haunted maze that he helped design, the theme changes once a year!

-got those unicycle lessons and knows how to juggle as well!

-likes rollerskating, has Heelys on all the time

-allergic to peanuts

-can play guitar

Norm:

-Is aware that Gingi sees the face on the sticky note change and thinks its sort of funny

-Is actually good friends with God and the two go out to lunch once or twice a month

-enjoys fishing and will take Randy and Oliver on fishing trips, Gingi usually follows regardless of invite.

-Sees himself as a father figure to most of the dateables, and is willing to fill in that role.

-apologized to Karen for his behavior by baking her fresh bread. is actually an extremely good cook

-irises and pupils are both void black due to exposure to the wormhole. He has not noticed this. Eyes used to be honey brown.

-Has to stop Mingus from doing a new evil scheme once a month, has a spray bottle for this purpose.

-does actually have other outfits for when the space suit needs to be washed, is never seen outside the house when this happens

-Oliver, Karen, and Randy have seen his real face, they were like "cool" as Gingi is just...far weirder.

-i imagine him as strawberry blonde. Short hair, either buzz cut or just short. maybe some stubble. I dont have a good image of what his face looks like, it is just bag to me

-not great at public speaking but REALLY good at pretending to be

-is actually very good at using technology but will sometimes pretend not to be just to tease Oliver.(it works every time)

-can also play guitar

Bigfoot:

-...no.

-okay okay i have one. You could use his fur to make yarn IF you washed it. You will never be able to get close enough to brush him though.

Misc headcanons:

-heads can be repurposed after death, like cadaver bones!

-the more popular headtype for modern business men and women is a laptop

-after what happened to Callum Crown, the answering machines function was completely separated from memory storage

-Snakes have syringes for heads

-peter and his wife are poly and want roger to be their third, but roger is as dense as a brick and peters too formal to just say it out loud.

-Harry and Jack are a couple in this universe, Jack is just a very odd boss to work for regardless

-Billy is Abel's kid. The mother is unknown. probably a one night stand.

-the swans miss randy :(

-there are a few headtypes that are banned for various reasons, one of which is having a megaphone AS your head.

-Roger is autistic and has a stutter, and sometimes has to use ASL to communicate. Peter knows ASL for this reason

-The Narrator could talk to the others, but only if it was an emergency

-all Dialtown OCs are canon. theyre in town somewhere, having fun and living their lives!

-Dialtown is bigger than shown in game, including the town square which has a fountain and a park surrounding it, as well as a skate park, rec center, arcade, a pizza place, etc.

-all the dateables have met satan at least once, they just didnt know thats who that was

-shooty and stabby are dating, theyre just very bromance about it. good for them...

-rotery phone heads are coming back in fashion as a sort of 'retro' vibe.

-getting prosthetics/emergency plastic surgery and medical care is actually quite accessible.

-jerry and his wife come visit dialtown every christmas soley so that gingi doesnt run all the way out there to visit them and get hopelessly lost. theyre doing quite well!

-there are competent members of the dialtown mob but they dont really do much other than hang out at the bar

if i think of anymore Ill let you know!! thanks for askin!

[demdozeguys]

Strap in for a long one, because it's time for:

REVIEWING AND RANKING EVERY GAME I GOT FROM THE STEAM SUMMER SALE

ramblings under the cut:

UNRANKED: ULTRA STREET FIGHTER IV

okay look I know I said I'd be ranking all of these but putting a fighting game up against six linear-progression single-player adventure type games feels a bit unfair.

as for whether I liked it: yeah it's alright. it's street fighter, it's fun. only time will tell how much my brother and I will get out of it, but I'm already feeling like I don't like it quite as much as 5. how much of that is due to 4 not having Urien is anyone's guess.

#6: CROW COUNTRY

I'm gonna be honest I didn't fuck with this game nearly as much as I thought I would.

maybe it's because I'm new to the genre. maybe it's because I've been spoiled by autosave. or maybe it's just because I can't aim to save my life. but losing upwards of 20 minutes of progress every time some creature I failed to hit or juke tagged me one too many times got frustrating pretty fast.

I didn't hate my time with Crow Country. the environments are gorgeous, the story kept me intrigued, and filling out my mental list of "oh shit I can go here now"s was still satisfying. if this is your thing don't let me dissuade you, I just wasn't built for it.

#5: KAMIKO

Kamiko is decent fun, but there's not really a whole lot to say about it. It's a short and sweet zelda-esque game where the meat of the playtime comes from trying to go through it as fast as possible, and as you'll see later I happen to enjoy going fast. enjoyable, but not super meaty. if you like routing and time management give it a shot.

#4: PONY ISLAND

Alright, this is where we get into the Good Shit.

Pony Island is a game in which you play a game called Pony Island made by The Devil From The Bible. every few minutes there's some new weird meta setpiece to keep you on your toes, plus the code puzzles and pony sections between are solid fun on their own. it's a great time. and if you're interested, there's a pretty solid reward for getting 100%.

if I had to dock points, it didn't seem to have much in the way of replayability, but that's not a huge dealbreaker. I really need to get my hands on Inscryption now.....

#3: SPOOKY'S JUMPSCARE MANSION REMASTERED

I'm not normally big on horror but Spooky's kept me coming back. despite going into it already knowing what all the specimens did, they managed to keep me on the edge of my seat because you never know when they're going to show up. combine the legitimate building terror with an offbeat and self-aware sense of humor and you have a damn fun package.

it's worth noting that as of writing this, I've only completed the main story. the DLC campaigns probably won't affect the final ranking? but I have a feeling they'll make me appreciate the game more.

#2: PEPPER GRINDER

Pepper Grinder is fucking awesome.

The level design is great, the soundtrack rips, and just moving around with the core gimmick of "what if you could drill and then jump out" is so good. I just really wish there was more of it.

I was able to get all the major in-level collectibles and reach the end in under 3 hours. the bulk of my playtime came from the time trials, which do manage to hit a sweet spot of encouraging you to push yourself without requiring CBT perfection. demolishing the gold medal on the final boss took me well over an hour's worth of attempts and may have been one of the most viscerally satisfying challenges I've ever completed in a game.

Pepper Grinder is really, really cool. But if it had another world's worth of levels it would be even cooler.

#1: CHICORY: A COLORFUL TALE

Man. I fucking love Chicory.

The vibes are immacculate. The story made me really feel for these gay little animals. The soundtrack is delightful (Lena Raine, everybody!). The exploration is rewarding. The painting mechanics made me actively want to go back to areas I'd already been to and recolor them better than I did originally, which is like. not something most games do. You can even draw penises everywhere if you want. There's something for everybody.

I'm having a hard time putting down exactly what made me fall head over heels for this game as much as I did - especially when I wasn't expecting to going into it. Maybe it was just in the right place at the right time. No matter how it cheated the system, Chicory is easily the best game I picked up.

And that's that. this was my first time doing something like this (especially on tumblr) so it felt kinda weird but idk lmk if I planted any seeds in your brain

[thedeafprophet]

Right, its the 8th now so i'm gonna talk a bit more, with spoiler tag ofc. With my time I put in 14.6 hours into Mask of The Rose and achieved 4 different endings, so I think I can speak on the game. And I have to say, whilst there are things I like, the game is unfortunately ruined for me by the pacing (or lack there of).

I understand the goal of limiting runs and only being able to accomplish so many things at once, but as it stands it leaves it immossible to experience anything properly. You are put through a constant rush, no time to properly explore without the impending doom of someone being hanged looming over you. It is not possible for the player to be able to explore, romance, matchmake, and solve the mystery in this limited time. So everything is left feeling stressful and rushed with no proper way to experience it fully.

This heavily affects the relationship building aspect where you're expected to know what kind of relationship you want with someone after a first conversation, and everyone suddenly thinks you're the cats meow after a few interactions. You have no time to get to know anyone, no time for build up, and its just left... hollow. The addition of the major timeskips doesn't help this.

The mechanics of story building, outfits, and nonlinear play are very interesting! But this falls short in the reality that it is impossible to become immersed in this story when you have no time to slow down and experience it. The game feels like it is still a demo. Its too many things at once without fully giving time for establishing any one of them. If this was setup with the aim of the player finding the 'ideal route' of actions to solve the mystery then that is just generally not ideal for a visual novel.

Ive gathered some reactions of others who played, many feeling the same with regards to the pacing. Its not just my experience here. Im not sure this can be fixed at this rate, but its a grand shame that the game has such a major flaw. I'm surprised this wasn't approached before the game shipped. Pacing is an extremely important aspect in visual novels. I don't see how new players could be able to immerse themselves in the FL universe with such a rush.

I really wanted to like this game! I backed it on kickstarter for a reason! I love Fallen London and I really really wanted to love this game. But honestly unless this is somehow changed i cant see myself picking it up again... I hope its different for some other folks and that others have more fun with it, but I don't think its for me in this state.

[noworldasgoodasmine]

im trying to tame you please yap for me

Could feed me a couple times so I know I can trust you but very well...

So there's this game I got into in 2020 thanks to some friends from my raiding days called Path Of Exile. I treated final fantasy xiv raiding like a job back then and I made alot of wonderful memories thanks to it but i digress they introduced to their "vice". Path Of Exile of course is not that obscure so you may know it but if you don't anon its an ARPG that took alot of inspiration from Diablo 2. Now what makes it special? Well to start this is the skill tree, or i feel its more appropiate to call it a Skill Yggdrasil like look at this thang...

All classes share it which is a design choice I absolutely love. But this scares off new players when they realize the complexity of the game. So the other players in my ffxiv raid group convince me to try out and shant lie they did not prepare me for what i was gonna experience. I literally by the time I got to level 70 had 8 bookmarks and 2 addon programs I used to learn the game. From there the rest was of my time playing that character was a blur. It's a game that makes many games look incredibly restrictive and simple in comparison but honestly the learning curve is not bad if you follow a build guide but i digress. So in the game there's crafting but not in the conventional sense rather you can take items lets say a chest plate and modify in what feels like endless ways. Now trying to figure out the most deterministic and optimal ways to modify it takes alot of learning but I never went that far you dont need to. I just slightly modify items in 3 different ways then sell them or use it for myself. It feels really amazing when you get the hang of it cause you can make some really amazing upgrades for yourself. The game gives you alot of different ways to become powerful and at times it feels like it gives you 10 million tools and is challenging you to try to find a way to break it. Which is what i love about it and there's enough content to keep you company when you are powerful as well as what feels like hundreds of different builds. Its a game that I think about alot in terms of design theres so much thought put into it and honestly in the 311 hours i put into it (which is not much at all in comparison to others id describe myself as still a beginner) and think it might be in my top 3 games in terms of design! Path of exile 2, which how id describe it is a remake but thats really not accurate but basically they changed alot of things including updating the game to look prettier. The early access comes out dec 6 and when that comes out ill probably immediately start it to see the chaos of ways people find as to ways to break the game and what the chaos of market. Ive been thinking very deeply as to what kind of build ill go for and im thinking either a electricity monk or some form of necromancer maybe a fire necromancer but I'll see. I honestly have been treating researching it like it's a college course that's how serious this is to me

[cherrymangos]

FFXIV UPDATE! Another long one, so there will be many screenies under the cut :3

First up: I attempted to do the fall guys event! But my internet disconnected me and I could not compete so alas, that shall have to wait :(

Does anyone know for how long this event will last, and if it'll come back yet again?

Moenbryda :D

These DPS queues are ROUGH. While queueing for the hard versions of the 3 primal fights, I had 3 separate tanks drop and I ended waiting over an hour combined. I miss my healer queues

I got recognized during the Shiva fight :)

And now... it's Haurchfaunt time <3

Also, the foreshadowing sure goes crazy in this game

And if you've been following my journey, I'm sure you're wondering where my Hyur Vash has gone... Alas, I received one too many free fantasia's and became an au'ra. frankly it was a spur of the moment decision but i have an extra fantasia for when i want to become vash again so not all is lost :]

here are some screenies of my new WoL, whom i consider to be transmasc <3

anyways back to what you're here for... during the hard version of the Titan fight, i fucked up. a LOT. like, died 5-6 times. What can I say? It was late, i was tired, and i'd completely forgotten the mechanics because it's been so long T_T Also I got incredibly unlucky and was the only player to be targeted by that one move that entombs you in rock, so I had to wait for my party to bail me out. And yet somehow by the end of it, I still ended up getting a player commendation.

Quite frankly I wanted to refund it to whoever gave it to me, because that was the WORST performance I've put forth yet.

Anyways. I once again got cock-blocked and had to FINALLY finish the crystal tower quests. So uh. Yeah. Got eaten by a dog. Killed by a giant floating eye. Watched Graha take a nap and remembered I won't be seeing that guy for a long time. You know, the good stuff.

I also now have over 4 days worth of time put into this play through :)

And while I was shopping around at Revanant's Toll, another Au Ra popped up next to me and our chocobo started running into each other. When I exited my menu to get a better photo they stopped :(

Bye Moenbryda :( I wasn't terribly sad to see you go in all honesty because you did not get as much screen time as I remembered. I teared up a bit but didn't end up actually crying and the whole funeral felt a bit awkward because like, what do I actually really know about you...

And in today's episode of Minfilia continues to make me mad:

That's wonderful Minfilia! A shame I can't confide in anyone myself because you forbade me from telling the others about Midgardsormr yoinkin the blessing of light! Who's MY pillar of strength huh?? It's even better because Alphinaud says this:

Just wielding me like a weapon and I got no say in the matter :(

anyways... Hi Estinien! Quite frankly I don't remember how my last Dragoon quest left off because it's been a minute, but didn't you disappear? After being possessed or somethin? I'm VERY excited to play through Heavensward as a Dragoon. No other expansion has unique class dialogue do they?

Now for a speed run: got accused of regicide. Wanted to punch Teledji in the face. Wanted to punch Ilberd in the face. And I'm already missing my fellow scions... Hope I get to see you minor characters again because I'll be for real, I don't remember what happens to you!

ok so funny story... ive hit the photo limit. So uh. there will be more screenies in a reblog

[noodleblade]

Miscellaneous Tag Game (stolen title <3)

thank you bestie:3 @searchingfortheuniverse I'll be working on this while im on and off phone calls~

A band you don’t like that many others do: UM idk...my music taste is all over the place and I really only know the bands i think?? oh- maybe Mother Mother, only because I have not bothered to listen to their music past Junkrat hype videos and that's probably tainted my view a little. For better or for worse.

A childhood memory that you remember vividly: during a summer in greece, idk how, but I got roped into selling watermelons off the side of the road. I couldn't have been more than 6 or 7, but I remember I would put the watermelon in a plastic bag and the farmers thought it was really funny because that's such a...united states thing...to bag 1 whole watermelon in plastic. Anyways, they paid me in cucumber slices with salt.

Least favorite animal and why: HUH LEAST. I'm not a huge fan of like reptiles? Specifically those smaller than a bread box. Too fast, too squirm. Im worried I'll crush them in my hands. (im thinking of specifically florida geckos...idk they are cute but i freak out trying to hold them).

Hot fandom take: just because something is popular and fandom-wide accepted doesn't mean it is good. and not agreeing with it/wanting to engage in it doesn't mean you or your own opinions are bad. the monopoly on accepted 1 true canon is boring.

Do you wear any jewelry, if so, what’s your favorite piece: I try an rotate my jewelry around but I'm usually wearing a few rings, a necklace and a pair of earrings. My favorites are the rings. They are my mom's old ones and I typically wear the same two every day. One is a gold key of greece and the other is a thin black bar but the sides have really small thin heart cut outs.

A movie others liked but you didn’t: HMMMMM probably the new star wars trilogy. felt unnecessary and i just didn't like it? big shruggies

Three things you love about yourself: my writing- its something that I enjoy the most in the world and something that I can claim as mine. I also think I'm pretty funny in a sillay way which is poggers. I like my openness to trying things. Think that's helped make me more well-rounded. I hope so at least.

A place you hope to visit in the future and why: HMMMMM. I want to visit Japan again. For a new place, I want to go to South America. Peru maybe??? Mexico would also be nice. So that's what I'm gearing up towards next.

An actor that gets on your nerves and why: Uh Matt Smith? No reason behind this. but I see his block head and kind of just look away.

Things you’re excited for in the nearby future? I have a lot of little house projects I finally feel like tackling which is exciting. Ive lived in my house for almost 2.5 years and still havent felt like parts of it are complete yet.

Least favorite ship in a fandom you’re in: oof I lowkey kind of hate saying things I don't like on here. bad experiences in the past when people were upset I didn't like a thing they did and got mad at me. But uhhh not the biggest fan of most rodimus ships? but I think mega/rod is my least favorite of them. sorry!

What’s the most toxic fandom you’ve been in? hahaahahahhahahah can you believe Game of Thrones wasn't the most toxic???? it was jjba. I got put on a ban list which was kind of funny. I also got kind of show-ponyed in a toxic discord server for a while which has completely ruined me in the ability to act normal on discord outside of my irl friends. that account is deleted but the ao3 is still circling around.

List three things you find beautiful about life: Friends and family- sometimes I want to kill but I really do love them so so much. I like creating things and creating things with people. I also really like my area as far as nature goes. the beach to swamp ratio sings to me.

Any dreams for the future? I want to go on a really long hike. Maybe like a 2 day one? (< says the person that has gone on a max 2 hour hike before). Also just working on my original fiction again. I miss those fellas.

How are you really feeling today? Motivated!!!! Im a little groggy still, but I've been really excited about life and betterment lately so its overcoming my sleepy brain.

Tags: feel free to do or not: @honkytonka, @elmonstro, @huanted-dennys, @feral-birb-husband, @solarstormstuff @anyone else who wants to!! I'd be happy to read them:3

[dragonsongmakhali]

10 fandoms, 10 characters, 10 tags:

Basic rules: choose 10 fandoms that you are part of/support, and choose a favorite character from each of those. Then, tag ten folks!

Tagged by: @jigschosai @sealrock @reikatsukihana and @sasslett! Thank y'all :'D

This is not ordered by how much I'm into them, they're just in whatever order came to mind :) I will caution that I don't tend to choose favorite characters, I'm more of an OC maker. Feeling chatty, so I'm putting the actual list under a cut. You're welcome.

1. FFXIV : Pretty self-explanatory for the xiv sideblog. Since I'm not as in to the MSQ, I don't think I actually have a favorite character (which I know is illegal, I'm sorry :<). I really love seeing what the community does with the characters, though!

2. Halo : The storyline went to hell long ago, but I do still adore the original trilogy and constantly mine it for gpose captions. It was basically what I lived off of in high school. If I had a tumblr back then, I'd have been insufferable. Favorite character is easily Rtas 'Vadum.

3. WoW : Kind of. Asterisk. I really only know Classic, and even then, I'm way more Horde than I am Alliance. I have approximate knowledge of many things. No favorite there either - I'm all about the world and making OCs. We have two concurrent WoW tabletop games running at the moment, so this is where most of my headspace is. Their shared timeline is different from the canon, so I'm not really in the fandom per se.

4. Mass Effect : Alien dating sim, my beloved. I even enjoyed Andromeda (jump jets implemented perfectly, fun combat, the Jardaan reminded me of Forerunners). If you ask me to choose a favorite, I'll cry. How is a mother supposed to choose between her two sons (Legion and Grunt)? Drack also gets an honorary mention for his 100s of low res pictures of guns email.

5. Elder Scrolls : Mostly Skyrim, some Oblivion. I know, I'm one of those fans. Anyway, I've probably played over 1k hours of Skyrim by this point and yet. And yet! I don't have a favorite. The entirety of the Companions? I just wish that the faction questlines in Skyrim weren't "you killed 3 wolves and have been here a week. You lead us all now", but it does give me good scaffolding which. As an OC fiend. Grabby hands.

6. The World Ends With You : This game made me good at calculus in high school. My favorite character from here is Sho Minamimoto, and I was a completely normal teenager who dealt with that by doing calculus problems for fun. Turns out, the trick to get good at math is repetition.

7. Pokémon : Probably my earliest fandom. Still play the games now and again, just got Legends Arceus (super late, I know), and that's been a lot of fun. My favorite character from the franchise is Sinnoh's Rock type leader, Roark. I had a long-running sideblog dedicated to the Sinnoh region because gen IV is my favorite in general! It's inactive at the moment.

8. Guild Wars : 2, to be more precise. I started playing about a month after release, and since it's f2p, I still drop in from time to time. Like every MMO, I have no favorites. I really love playing Sylvari, though! (The glow!! The nightmare!! The [[Heart of Thorns spoiler!!]] They're just so neat)

9. Star Trek : we're now getting into "shows I watched and didn't hate" because I'm definitely not in the 'fandom' for Trek. We've been going through the old series as a way to wind down before bed, starting with TNG. We're on Enterprise now, and I'm sad that it got canceled. Still will probably have a better ending than Voyager. I don't have a favorite, but I can tell you that the writers' collective favorite must be either Seven of Nine or Data.

10. Uh. Various anime? I can't say I've recently loved any particular series to the point of fandom, but as a whole, I've been a weeb since I was in middle school. "Recent" series that I've enjoyed have included Mob Psycho and Love is War. Coincidentally, they both saved the most banger opening for their third season.

We had to stretch a little bit, but we made it to ten! Proud of this community (this community is my brain desperately trying to remember 10 things I like)

Have no idea who's been tagged in this, so if you've done this, please ignore! Or reblog it again!

@miqojak @airis-ray @wilanserulia @ahollowgrave @blackestnight @starstrider @iron-sparrow @sumifinalfourteen @jump-n-dive @otherworldseekers

[scribblesbyb]

Writing Game Week #1: Use These Prompts to Get Back Into Writing!

Prompt 1 Prompt 2 Prompt 3 Prompt 4 Rules: Sharing randomly generated prompts every day for a week. Create sth with it in only an hour (time yourself). Don't edit or proofread till the very end. Just. Write. A/N: This one was tricky because it was soooo out of my comfort zone lol and what I normally write. i don't hate it but...let's see what the audience thinks :D Tags: angst, drama, soft betrayal WC: 1522

Ow. Ow. Ow.

Your muscles ache, sore and bruised. Blinking your eyes open, the strong overhead light blinds you. You shut your eyes again, bringing up your arm to cover them. You notice the hanging needle leading to an IV above your head and your eyes shoot open. 

What–?

Despite the pain your body is in, you push yourself up against the hospital bed. You look around, trying to remember what happened to lead you here. That’s till you spot your fiancée, the man who you thought was your best friend and all-time confidante, the man you’ve spent the last 7 years with, nodding off on a chair to the side.

You hurry and look for a nurse-call button. It takes you a second to find it in your panic. You press on it too many times than you would have under normal circumstances. But these aren’t normal circumstances, are they? 

You aren’t going to sit here with a traitor, a liar, a two-faced villain who’s put you through hell your entire life, for a single moment. Not if you could help it.

The nurse rushes in. 

“Is everything ok, ma’am?”

“Lower your voice.” You whisper. Your ex-fiancée was quite the light sleeper. And you didn’t want him up. “Come.” You add, gesturing to her to step closer.

She obliges, noticing the middle-aged man sleeping in the corner. She probably knows he’s your fiancée, you assume, and probably thinks you don’t want to wake him out of love and compassion.

Nothing could be further from the truth.

“What can I do for you ma’am?”

“You can get me out of here.” You mutter through your teeth. “I shouldn’t be in here in the first place.”

“I can’t do that ma’am. You’ve been severely injured, I’m afraid. You need medical supervision.”

So be it.

Tapping into your power, you focus your senses on manipulating the nurse’s mind; to get her to obey your command. 

“Get me out of here.” You say, voice rippling through the air particles around you, the soundwaves hitting the nurse on a microscopic level.

“I’m afraid that won’t work anymore, dear.”

Your head whirls around, breaking the hold you had on the nurse. The voice that once brought you a level of comfort like no other now has the audacity to talk to you like nothing happened.

“You’re too injured to be using your powers.” He cracks his neck, as he would do when just waking up, and ruffles his ginger hair. “I’m sorry for that, too, by the way.”

“Out.”

“Love, I can’t—”

“Out!”

The nurse’s eyes dart between the two of you. She couldn’t remember exactly when the man had woken up while she was standing there, but she knew the patient shouldn’t be this agitated.

“Ma’am, please,” she points at the beeping monitor. “Your blood pressure can’t be this high right now. I repeat, you’re extremely injured and you need the rest.”

“Then get him out of here!” You yell. “Ow! Shit!” You grab the side of your chest in pain. “What did you do to me??”

You glare at him, unable to believe those blue eyes still make your heart thump. 

The nurse replies before he can reach your bed. “You have a few stitches on your left side here,” she explains. “You need to remain calm, okay?”

Her page beeps and she turns to walk away. You reach your arm out to stop her. “Please, no, please get him out of here.”

She looks at your fiancée, the beeping sound growing louder, making her heartbeat quicken. The longer she stared into those ocean eyes, the more chaotic her soul felt. Anxiety crept into her veins. Like a wounded animal, she scurried off, scared but unable to tell why.

 “So I can’t use my powers but you can?” You shout the second she leaves. “How convenient for you.”

“Love, please,” he breathes out, walking to the door and shutting it carefully. “You heard her. You need to stay calm.”

“Calm? Calm?” You continue to yell, ignoring the monitor going crazy near you. “You…You lie to me, you cheat on me, you make me fall hard for you, and you want to be calm–?”

“Shhh.” He reaches for your shoulders, his strength holding you down. Arms you once cherished the embrace of now remind you of the hoops of betrayal your heart is going through. 

“Get your hands off me.” You beg, your bloodshot eyes tearing up. “Don’t touch me. You have no right to anymore.”

But his hands stay there. You’d move but you can’t—won’t. Your body still doesn’t know that this isn’t the same man you loved so dearly yesterday. That he was a shapeshifter. Someone who claimed himself your husband in the morning and your nemesis at night. 

He toyed with you. No. He mocked you. 

The tears fall before you know it. Something about his hold always did that to you. You’d be the angriest you could ever be, and a touch from him, a simple grasp of the shoulder would make you melt. Make the chaos unfold.

Realisation hits and you instantly slap his hands away.

“You!” You grit your teeth. “Was everything a goddamn lie?!” You shout, ignoring the rippling pain in your insides as you did. “Are you using your powers on me right now?? Have you been using them this whole time?!”

“I-” He squirms. “Dear, it was ju–”

“Stop calling me that. Stop acting so familiar with me. Just stop.”

He swallows, stepping back. “Will you let me explain?”

You scoff. “What’s there to explain?” You smile. “Lord Chaos,” you use his supervillain name, “tracked me down 7 years ago, wrapped me around his slimy fingers, and the second he saw me fighting someone other than him, his twisted mind got—what’s the word I’m looking for here?” You look up, searching the ceiling for it. “So jealous that he killed him for me. And instead of, oh, I don’t know, stopping there, he also decided to reveal his identity! While I’m lying there unconscious because o’ him nevertheless!” You pause to catch your breath. “So, tell me, please, Lord Chaos,” you mock sarcastically, “What’s more to explain?”

“I couldn’t help it.”

You glare. He looked sincere, desperate. Any other time you would’ve fallen for it. You would’ve caved and let him win, let him talk. But now? Now he just looked pathetic. A dog with his tail between his legs.

“Pray tell what; what couldn’t you help?” You frown. “You couldn’t help unmasking yourself? Couldn’t help tracking down your nemesis and playing a wicked game with them? What, Chaos? What couldn’t you help?”

“Falling in love with you.”

You bite your lip, fisting your hands. “You don’t get to say that. Not after what you’ve done.”

“Love, I–” He stops when you throw him a glare, telling him to correct himself. He sighs and approaches you again. “Have you ever wondered what made us nemeses in the first place?”

You look down. The answer wasn’t that simple. All you knew was that for generations, your house, the Order of Serene, was at war with the house of Chaos. You hated them. Hated what they did to people. If the humans’ concept of a devil was real, the Order of Chaos was as close to that horned, fork-tailed creature as they come.

“We are opposing forces,” you mutter quietly, “I was bred to despise the havoc those of Chaos created. To fix it with my powers. To bring those affected peace and tranquillity.”

“And did you stop and think if there was another way? If Chaos wasn’t as bad as you made it out to be?”

You lean back. “Don’t come closer.” You warn. “Whatever sad excuse you’re about to spout, I don’t want you near me, touching me, while you say it.”

“Fine.” He grunts, balling his hands beside him. “Just humor me. Didn’t you always feel better when I held you? Didn’t my powers help you cry? Help you get angry? Help you deal with the chaos of fighting the other me?”

“The other you?” You scoff. “He’s not some alter ego.”

He smiles. “You’re right. But do you see my point?”

You did, sorta, though don’t want to admit it.

“A liar is a liar.”

“A liar who feared you’d react the way you’re reacting right now.”

You bit your lip. Heavy silence took over, till you found yourself blurting out the question that’s been weighing on your mind this whole time.

“Why did you save me?”

He chortles; it makes you angrier. “My fiancée, the love of my life, was dying at the hands of some vicious witch—of course, I was going to save you.”

“You’re the vicious villain who’s been trying to kill me for over a decade!”

“Don’t you think if I wanted to, I would’ve by now?”

“Bet?”

“Bet.” 

For a moment, you smile at each other, the spark you thought you’d lost somehow reigniting at the idea of dueling with your nemesis, ex-fiancée, and savior.

For a moment, you didn’t care what the future was going to hold, but you knew he was still going to be a part of it.

Begrudgingly.

[heartn]

get to know me game (˵ •̀ ᴗ - ˵ ) ୧ ‧₊˚ ⋅ ☆

tagged by the cutest! person! alive! : @loves0ft

tagging:♡ @evenofmyday ♡ chatoyervictoria ♡ junez ♡ yukicrossu ♡ @pssionfruits ♡ @guhara ♡@soulazul ♡ @un1over ♡

birthday: november 9

favourite colour: lavender and periwinkle

do you have pets?: no but my sister has a dog named nikko. we look after him sometimes, so that's the closest i have to a pet

how tall are you?: like 5'4?

how many pairs of shoes do you own?: that i regular wear, 3. i have a few more but i never wear them

favourite song: atm big flirt by lil hero and it's a wrap by mariah carey ft mary j blige, shooting star by xg

favourite movie: i dont watch movies. but lol i'd have to say white chicks or rush hour

who would be your ideal partner?: i feel like that closest would be, if you know who stephanie soo is, her cousin dan dan 🤭🥰 that type of personality i love. i could spend the rest of my life with someone like him

do you want children?: i keep going back and forth with it. idk. i feel like i need to be in a serious relationship and be married to have a final answer

have you gotten in trouble with the law?: lol does running a redlight count?

what colour socks are you wearing?: orange with lighting bolts

favourite type of music: pop, kpop, rap, old school reggaeton, the old mexican music every parents likes, like marco antonio solis, stuff like that. ig ive been listening to more bandas too.

how many pillows do you sleep with?: i use a body pillow as a pillow... i used to have pillows but idk what happened to them, and i keep putting off buying pillows

what position do you sleep in?:  my sides or fetal position. im trying to force myself to sleep on my back bc i heard that good for you, but i sleep better on my sides/fetal

what don’t you like when you’re sleeping: i takes me a while for me to sleep. or when i'm about to fall asleep my leg fucking jolts and im awake, so thats a recent thing thats been happening to me sometimes

what do you have for breakfast: i don't usually eat breakfast. but if i have something, its usually a match iced tea / iced chai tea latte from starbucks with something from their bakery

have you ever tried archery?: in school for gym class... i fucking sucked at it. but on wii sports... i'm the baddest bitch

favourite fruit: starfuits, cherries, strawberries, mangos, peaches, kiwis, mandarines 🤤

are you a good liar?: yes? no? idk ig i am

what’s your personality type?: idk, bc every time i take that damn quiz it always changes!!! like how can ive gotten intp, infp, enfp, istp, isfp like?!?!!?

innie or outie?: innie

left handed or right handed?: right

favourite food: sopes!!! or pupusas!!! fuckin loves those

favourite foreign food: i love thai food. everything ive tried is just sooo good. ughhhh!! Phở too!

am i clean or messy?: hehe i say im organized messy, but ppl say im clean. bc i am but the only thing that i have that is 'messy' is my bed, bc i never make it... and even that isnt messy, but my mexican parents say otherwise

most used phrase: 

how long does it take for you to get ready: depending. when i work at the school, about 30-40 minutes. but when i work at the clubhouse, about 10-15 minutes.

do you talk to yourself?: hehe yeah

do you sing to yourself?: only when i'm alone or in my car

are you a good singer?: i dont think so. id say average but i dont sing in front of anyone to know if i am

biggest fear?: idk, i feel like anything if i overthink it. heights?? but i like rollercoasters... but i'll get dizzy if i look over the second floor of a mall... going to the top of the willis tower made me dizzy. the deep ocean 😳

are you a gossip?: no, but ppl tell me gossip so i hear it regardless

do you like long or short hair?: both are nice

favourite school subject: english or social studies. art

extrovert or introvert: introvert

what makes you nervous: having ppl look at me. i hate making eye contact with ppl. but like if im ordering something i will look at the cashier, i'm not a dickhead. just hate looking at ppl or ppl looking at me in passing, especially when im driving

who was your first real crush?:  this guy named martin in first grade. i thought he was cute. lol but apparently we dated but i NEVER spoked to him or had a class with him. sooo... idk how we dated, but a classmate of ours told me in sixth grade that we did, and that threw me off, bc like i said, i never spoke to him. lol so i technically cheated on him like three times without knowing... sorry man

how many piercings?: seven atm. i wanna get my collar bones and maybe like one more ear piercing but idk what yet

how many tattoos?: none yet bc i still live with my parents and i feel like they will kick me out if i do

how fast can you run?: idk i dont have a reason to run. id say average??!??

what colour is your hair?: dark brown and blonde. im forcing myself to grow it out bc i fucked it up too much. wigs have been helping me fight the urge but i still wanna dye it!!!

what colour are your eyes?: dark brown

what makes you angry: those fucking bright led headlights!!!! i hate those things. that shit shouldnt be legal, its distracting, and i will bash your lights you dickhead

do you like your name?: i used to hate it bc i make me think of old white ladies but now im okay with it. i like my middle name or the nicknames my nephews used to call me when they were first starting to talk

do you want a boy or a girl as a child?: idc but i have i strong feeling that, if i do have kids, my first one will be a girl. idk why but i'm calling it

what are your strengths?: i'm a good listener, i have a good patience

what are your weaknesses?: i get annoyed easily

what is the colour of your bedspread?:  white

colour of your room: white

[moregorelore]

I can't say this anywhere so might as well put it on my Tumblr that I just back into after not being on it sense high-school.

About 8 months ago at my old job we got a new manager and he was a small obnoxious older man that had to much energy that majorly got on my nerves, but for some reason I took to him instantly and started tell him things that I barely could admit to myself let alone tell some else, and him same with me, he told me some of the things he's shared with me that only 2 other people knew. I adored that, I adored the connection and attention and care. And in all honesty at first it was just that, there was no real attraction there, yeah we talked about sex and fetishes and preferences but that's where it stopped.

About 4 months ago he lost that job for reasons I'd rather not get into and about 2 months ago I quit that same job because he wasnt there and I was tired of doing so much with so little in return. And we continued talking. Calling and playing video games for hours and when we'd get bored of that we'd start a show or movie and made sure to start and stop it at the exact same time so neither of missed anything and we could experience it together, fuck we even would take the headset into the bathroom so could continue having whatever weird ass conversation we were having.

But something dawned on me a couple weeks ago and I can't get it out of my head. I love him. And when I say that I don't just want to fuck him and I don't just want some shitty little friends with benefits ive had so many times. I really love him and want to be with him. I want to wake up in the morning and see his face and I want his face to be the last thing I see at night, I want to wake up early and make him breakfast just to see that goofy little shy smile, I want him. And for once the sex would just be an added benefit but isn't even a necessity.

But here's were the issues start, I'm gay and Trans (ftm), he is a straight cis man.i have daddy issues, he has mommy issues. I am 22, he is 33.

Those are just the major ones that stand out.

I don't know what to do. I want to tell him how I feel but I don't think I could stand losing him over something so trival because at the end of the day I really just enjoy him and his company.

Idk If someone could give me even just a little advice I would greatly appreciate it

[szif]

ok so i played gta vice city. hi (spoilers obviously)

obviously visually it's great, i love the textures and the colors etc etc. it feels pretty light (unlike san andreas) but not weightless (like gta IV is) & i think the colors correspond with how the general vibe flows in the city. the map i think was big and composed of bigger monotonous areas than smaller, prominent ones, so i wasn't exactly memorizing them based on vibes or usefulness, which was a bit of a shame because i think san andreas did that good. i also missed being incentivized into exploring parts of the map because they are available & ready for you to go up to them, like i think the map had a lot to offer, many places to go, even had its collectibles, but i didn't feel compelled to go there at all, and if there was a mission there (rarely) i didn't re-visit those places as they weren't interesting besides that one occasion.

the general story progression was nice, but i never felt like i was developing, gaining anything, growing in terms of the character, my belongings etc. even when i had 1, 3, 8 etc. assets i didn't feel like an asset owner, i didn't feel like a newcomer one-man gang leader, it simply felt like i was the same tommy vercetti from the beginning of the game, even as i was having my final fight and gaining my freedom to pursue my own businesses & connections. even when i finished it, i was like "now what?". there was no finality.

the side/asset missions were a lot of fun, i liked the different environments and scenarios the game put me through and the one-time characters, but the mainstay, recurring characters were barely anything. i don't know what was up with lance given he showed up approximately 3 times and 2 of it was relevant at the beginning and the end so i couldn't exactly parse his motives or why/what he's even doing here with me, ken rosenberg is just fun i liked him already i think he contrasted vercetti well.

the game felt surprisingly both stretched out until it could've and also painfully short that made it somewhat lackluster. i liked the side content but it felt aimless as i was given no signs to do anything and the main content ended after like an hour of playing so all that was left is grinding out the business properties until i could play the final mission.

the final mission was really tedious and i didn't like it. even in any other mission i took note of bullets grazing me too harshly and my health being barely anything, but this particular mission was really bad to play through with the constant barrage of enemies & the sheer amount of guns with no coverage. what made it harsh too was the bugs(?) that made me freeze/get stuck in place, my gun not shooting at all out of nowhere, just generally nothing happening because the cutscene/event trigger was busted - it was weird.

besides that, nothing exactly was bothering me while playing, except for unique scenarios in missions: the motorcycle that i had to use to jump from rooftop to rooftop never had enough health to survive through the entire trip, i repeatedly had to go into a den of constantly respawning enemies that ate up my health, being thrown into a mission with unclear motives and no aim.

i think it offers a lot more if you intentionally go out your way to look for it & the side content is very freeform and fun, running errands is fun (except the pizza boy mission. i felt really bad for throwing pizzas at people because that's a mean thing to do to people especially when you're in a position of giving out service & the co-worker kept demeaning me so let's just say i'm not one for customer service both irl and online. i've got a big heart.) so i feel like there's a lot to it especially with how many random things you unlock, but it's also pretty vague, really short, there's not much to really think about or to have at and the game doesn't urge you to do anything either, so it's really just a nice game i picked up, spent too much time on it, had a bit of frustration regarding how it was paced/structured and how much there actually is in it and how much is just stretching (not padding).

my favourite missions were the porn studio ones, the mr whoopee van one, the taxi ride saga, "shakedown" where you intimidate property owners to pay for protection by smashing their shops' windows at the mall, "check out at the check in" where the payphone boss tells me to kill a man at the airport and bring his briefcase with me, and that's it. my favourite character was mercedes and i really liked a bunch of cars, like the blista compact, cheetah, deluxo, sentinel xs, stinger(!).

i LOVED the toy plane and the regular planes, and SURPRISINGLY i really enjoyed the helicopters too, they were way easier and more fun to control than in SA! i really missed having more to do with them, but i get it by looking at the bigger picture.

um, somewhat "fun" time i had by practically beating it in 3 days, i hope to never touch this again unless it's with cheats & i'm aimlessly trying to intentionally have fun with its environment. i hope to play more gta games in the future

[octopoet]

Scattered Thoughts and Unanswered Questions

(not a poem, sorry)

empty isn't really a good word for it. i don't really know how to word this so im just going to write it as the thoughts flow.

i read once that people call it a creative spark because when you sit still and don't use it, it smolders and burns, filling ones body with smoke until they choke and suffocate. honestly, i agree. This summer has been interesting.

i purposely planned to have an empty schedule so that i had time to really pick apart how i worked and how to live my life before plunging into this new and unforgiving chapter of living i have before me. the reason being that so far I've been so choked up with obligations that i haven't even had a chance to sit down and ask myself why im doing it all.

or at least really think about it. to the degree of overthinking that is my usual standard.

i guess thats what this is.

a running commentary of overthinking. Ive found that putting the words before me is a nessecary tactic. A defense against the fluid and frantic nature of unrestricted thought. now that i have this time to myself however, i’ve put it to doing what i never had time to. Reading, making, spending time with the family.

the things i told myself would make me feel better, back when i had no time to do them at all. well the joke’s on me. They didn't make me feel better. sure the stress levels are down, and i can afford to spend four hours reading instead of working myself to death. (Hyperbole) but somehow i feel even less fulfilled than when i was running around doing things someone else told me to do.

i guess what im trying to say is, doing things other people told me to do always felt like a chore, but now that i have the time to do whatever I want, it doesn't feel any better.

it feels like im floundering, wasting this precious resource called “free time” that i had so little of not so long ago.

I feel like i HAVE to be making something of it, and im not.

i feel like i HAVE to be making something. And here we go back to that creative spark again. the catch is that making things exhausts me. Using that creative energy i feel like i absolutely have to use leaves me too tired to fulfill my other needed obligations. i took time this summer intentionally to find other things to do that refreshed me rather than drained me like creating does. However, the low-effort things that refresh me like reading or listening to music leave me feeling unfulfilled, and guilty as if that time was poorly spent, and should have been used for better things, and that guilt kind of defeats the whole purpose of resting and refreshing in the first place. It’s not really working out. work exhausts me, creativity exhausts me, but taking time to regain my energy fills me with guilt. I suppose part of me believes that i can only rest when i’m dead.

but ill come back to the topic of tasks that others have assigned me, since that whole “relaxation” thing isn't working out. i cant shake the feeling that its a distraction. That tasks designed by others are merely an obstacle on the road to true fulfillment. A restriction preventing me from attaining freedom. Well freedom isn't working out for me either. At least i felt like I was getting stuff done when i had work to do.

I cant shake the feeling that these tasks are something “surface level”, that they’re not what this whole “life” gig is about. Having a job, driving a car, meeting these people, completing this assignment, it doesn't feel like this is what im playing the game for. Excuse my terminology but it feels like “side quests” on the road to some main and overarching purpose that i just haven't figured out yet.

so what really is my core? If these things are just my surface what lies beneath? What really is life about if all this stuff is just auxiliary.

It feels like everything i have been and done so far is a shell on the surface of the real me.

If I am the sum of my experiences then how many of those experiences define the real me?

how many of those experiences were “real”?

what parts of me are “real?”

Sometimes it feels as if i have been a different person in every moment of my life.

differing circumstances and differing expectations call for differing versions of me. I know the analogy of a mask is what is popular and in truth, has been my main analogy to describe my differing senses of self thus far.

which me is the real me? Which mask is my real face?

i fear that the answer is not so simple, and that the real me is comprised of a fragment of all my parts, of a handful of all my experiences. That my real face is made from one tiny piece of each of my hundreds of masks, and that what im trying to figure out is what piece of those masks is a part of my real face.

this is an extremely strange analogy, and i apologize.

but if i figure out what experiences have truly contributed to my sense of self thus far then surely i can determine my purpose from that? Surely the “real” experiences that contributed to my “real” personality are what i should be doing for the rest of my life.

but as im writing this i know that thats not the case. I know that this attempt at discerning my life is futile, and that no matter how much i analyze my past, i will not be able to predict the future.

One of the many points i think im trying to make in this haphazard mental minefield of a post is that this is a question that a single summer cannot answer, and i do not think even a decade worth of summers will answer. I’m asking myself: “Who am I?”, “What is my purpose?”, and so on… The very question, “what really is life?” Has been asked and remained unanswered, at least completely, since the dawn of rational thought. It seems as if these are questions to which the answers cannot be taught, or even logically discerned but must be individually and personally discovered through years of experience and living. and yet it feels like a catch 22, as if i cannot properly live until these questions are answered, but they cannot be answered until i have properly lived. i suppose i must wait and see. My mind is not the right place to look for the answers.

i will just have to wait and see.