#ive poured almost 3 years of my life into this book. my heart. my soul. i was a girl when i started writing it

[raineandsky]

#110

tw: implied violence

For the first three seconds, the villain is absolutely certain the hero is dead.

He’s just returning from a dart across the city and isn't even 100 metres from the little front door when he spots the hero. Who on god’s green earth has left a hero on the floor, out in the open? The villains are meant to be trained better than this. They’re practically begging for attention, and on their literal doorstep. Someone’s getting a good talking to about this.

The villain approaches tentatively, leaning down to hold a hand in front of the hero’s mouth. Okay, so they’re alive. He’s not sure if that makes the situation better or worse.

He pushes the hero over slightly to try and see what on earth got them here—and whether the villain needs to worry about any split-second, lifesaving decisions—and earn an incoherent groan in response. He almost drops the hero in surprise; alive, clearly, and somewhat conscious.

“[Hero]?” The villain can’t say why that’s his first port of call. The hero’s barely awake, let alone in any state to reply. He carefully brushes the hero’s hair out of their face; he’s not sure why. “I’m gonna try to get you inside, alright?”

Another halfhearted noise. The villain punches the code into the door, shoves it open, and, as gently as no strength and an ingrained sense of apathy will allow, drags the hero into the bright white of the villains’ hideout.

No one’s around, thankfully; he’s not about to take the flak for someone else’s mistake. He dumps the hero on the floor half-gently, abandoning them there momentarily to grab a first aid kit. Villains come back in pieces more often than not—they’ve learnt to keep ways to fix themselves within arm’s reach.

The villain hurries back, kit in his arms, dropping it and himself to the ground without a care next to the hero. He’s opened the bag and shoved his hand into it before he realises he didn’t hear the door shut behind them.

His gaze snaps up to the doorway. A figure is stood there, her foot holding the door open, her eyes roaming curiously. “Hm,” she says brightly, “nice little hideout you have here.”

The villain’s on his feet immediately. He has to be—it’s not like he can deal with the hero with a stranger wandering about. “Who the hell are you?”

The stranger’s gaze finally falls on him, part intrigued, part humoured. “Ah, I suppose you wouldn’t know me,” she says wistfully. “It’s been so long since I was in the field.”

The villain’s been in said field longer than most. He squints in an effort to place this random person acting like she belongs here, his hand against the sharp bump in his coat like a comfort. “That doesn’t answer the question.”

A bright smile, like the sun is invading this room and trying to blind everyone in it. “I’m [Superhero].”

The villain’s dagger is in his hand before he can even think about it. The superhero takes a half-step inside and lets the door shut behind her.

“Got your attention, didn’t it?” She nods her head to the hero on the ground. “I know you villains love your heroes… weak.”

The villain tightens his grip to stop the blade from shaking in his hand. The superhero looks mildly amused by his apprehension, as if she belongs here, as if she always has. She hums a laugh, turning her gaze onto the hero still laying on the floor. “Consider this my résumé.”

The villain’s gaze flits to the hero as well. They haven’t moved. Time is short. “You want in with us?”

The superhero positively beams like he’s solved an age-old puzzle. “I’m sure a bunch like you could find some use in an authority like me.”

The villain has to believe her. He tucks his knife back into his belt and kneels down to the hero. “Dramatic change in career path.”

“Who’s to say this wasn’t always the plan?” The superhero watches as the villain unravels bandages from a well-used roll. “You wouldn’t take me in as a novice, so I’ve made myself valuable. Wouldn’t you say so?”

A superhero genuinely being on their side is undeniably, colossally valuable. The villain carefully wraps the larger of the hero’s wounds in the dressing. Wounds the superhero has inflicted, for what? Personal gain? To prove something? Where’s the line in what she wants?

The hero makes some incoherent noise of discomfort from the floor. A smile teases at the corner of the superhero’s mouth, like this is right, like this is exactly what she wants.

The villain’s attention is so focused on keeping his hands gentle against the hero’s pain that he takes a second too long to realise the superhero is inviting herself further inside. 

“What—” is halfway through coming out.“Might as well meet my future coworkers, huh?” She laughs again, like this situation is highly amusing. Like she holds the cards and she knows it. The villain hates it, but she does. “I bet they’ll love me. Everyone always does.”

[unpack-my-heart]

Unpack My Heart With Words - Updated

New chapter of my Hamlet/Theatre Reddie AU.

It’s on AO3 HERE or I’ve posted it under the cut. 

preview:

‘Are you kidding me – YOU’RE my Hamlet? She’s sent me YOU? I swear to God – Right. Well. Get inside – no, not THAT door, the door where – just follow me’.

Richie waits for a beat, watching Eddie march away with his scarf trailing behind him, gauzy fabric reaching out to Richie with invisible arms. Eventually, Richie’s feet co-operate with the signals screaming in his brain to go! go! go!, and he follows Eddie, who had disappeared through a small side-door marked ‘private’. Richie takes a deep breath, before he pushes the door open and steps inside, breaching the dark underbelly of the RSC.

@violetreddie @constantreaderfool @xandertheundead

‘Are you kidding me – YOU’RE my Hamlet? She’s sent me YOU? I swear to God – Right. Well. Get inside – no, not THAT door, the door where – just follow me’.

Richie waits for a beat, watching Eddie march away with his scarf trailing behind him, gauzy fabric reaching out to Richie with invisible arms. Eventually, Richie’s feet co-operate with the signals screaming in his brain to go! go! go!, and he follows Eddie, who had disappeared through a small side-door marked ‘private’. Richie takes a deep breath, before he pushes the door open and steps inside, breaching the dark underbelly of the RSC.

Richie follows Eddie through a series of corridors, winding this way and that, past small dressing rooms, large open spaces with chairs strewn haphazardly around. People pass them, nodding at Eddie and staring at Richie with blank, expressionless looks. Richie keeps his gaze trained to the shocking white of Eddie’s sneakers, a stark contrast against the deep, velvety black of the rest of his outfit. Eddie is talking on the phone, the tinny voice of the other person filtering out into the air, but not loud enough that Richie can hear what they’re saying. He tries not to listen to what Eddie is saying, feeling invasive, but he can’t persuade his ears to disengage.

“No, I had no idea you’d cast him … I suppose he was always very good when we were at RADA together … I told you that! You knew I went to RADA with him … Well you know now … Yes, he’s that Richie … I have no idea … I have to go, thank you again for this simply marvellous surprise”

Eddie eventually pushes his way through a set of large double doors, and Richie follows him through into a large classroom. One of the walls is mirrored, and there are nine other people staring over at him. He instantly recognises one of them.

Watching Eddie march over to the desk, and start typing furiously, Richie makes a beeline for where Stan is standing.

“Stanley the Manley!”

“Oh Jesus Christ, it’s you”

Richie smacks Stan’s arm lightly.

“That’s hardly an appropriate greeting for your best friend now, is it”

“Richie, I haven’t seen you since we graduated”

“Semantics, semantics” Richie dismisses, with a wave of his hand.

It was true. He hasn’t seen Stan since he graduated fourteen years ago. Even then, Richie had grown more and more distant from everyone after Eddie had left. He put his head down, poured his heart and soul into everything he did, graduated, and never looked back. His RADA years were simultaneously the best and worst years of his life thus far, and it exhausted Richie to think about them. It had, however, meant that he’d lost touch with Stan. Stan had tried, send him texts and emails and even rang him once a month for two years, but that, like all things, eventually stopped. Seeing Stan now, stood in front of him, with fine lines around his eyes and flecks of grey mottling his ashy blonde hair, tugged painfully at Richie’s heart.

“I’m sorry, you know”

“I know you are, Rich. I get it, I was just collateral damage” Stan dead-panned, the monotone voice contrasted happily with the smile in his eyes.

Before Richie could reply, he was interrupted by the clapping of hands.

“So now that the lead has so kindly deigned us all with his presence, we can begin. You should have got the email with the cast list, so perhaps some of you are familiar with each other. My name is Edward Kaspbrak and I’m directing this production, as you all well know. You can call me Eddie, though. We’ll start by reading through act one scenes four and five, the first interaction between Hamlet and the ghost of Old King Hamlet, so those of you who aren’t needed can excuse yourselves to one of the other rehearsal rooms to read through act one scene one to three together. Hamlet, Horatio and Marcellus, over here” Eddie instructed, pointing to a door which presumably lead to another rehearsal space, before beckoning to Richie, Stan and an attractive, blonde-haired man steps forward, presumably this production’s Marcellus.

Everyone else filters out of the room in near total silence, leaving Richie, Stan and the man playing Marcellus staring dumbly at each other, unsure of what to do.

“Hang on, who’s playing the ghost?” Richie called out, causing Eddie’s head to snap up from where it was buried in an old beaten up copy of Hamlet, his hands leafing impatiently through the yellowing pages.

“Pardon?”

“The Ghost, who is playing him?”

Eddie blinks.

“It hasn’t been cast yet”

“How the hell are we supposed to block this, then? Am I supposed to talk to the air? Act as if the air is talking to me? C’mon, Eddie, that’s a bit ridiculous” Richie asks, gesticulating wildly.

“I’m sure you’ve had plenty of practice talking to yourself”

As soon as he says it, Eddie’s face shifts, the perfectly schooled apathy replaced by something that looks almost pained, something that almost resembles regret, before its chased away, and the apathy returns.

“Can we at least call one of the others in and have them read it for now?” Richie tries, trying to ensure that his voice doesn’t betray his frustration and start to waver.

“I’ll read it, I suppose, if you’re going to make such a fuss about it”

With that, Eddie throws the book onto a nearby chair, where it lands closed with a slapping sound. Richie sends a sideways glance at Stan, who is staring at both of them with wide, amused eyes.

Marcellus is standing on the other side of the room, looking equal parts confused and terrified.

Watching Eddie unwind his scarf and set it neatly on the nearest table, Richie is thrown backwards in time, as the Eddie standing before him, dressed in black dress pants and a black shirt, morphs into the Eddie he had seen for the first time in rehearsal room 3. His Lear.

They start reading through Act I Scene IV, which goes fairly well. Eddie only shouts at Richie once, when he gets a line wrong.

“Ministers of grace and Angels –“

“Wrong!”

“Pardon?”

“It’s ‘Angels and Ministers of Grace –“

“Oh for fucks sake” Richie mutters under his breath.

Surprisingly, he’s not frustrated at Eddie. In all fairness, he did get the line wrong. What surprises him is the embarrassment that claws at his stomach. He’s embarrassed. He’s standing in front of the love of his life – the boy that twisted him up and turned his whole life upside down nearly fifteen years ago – and he’s getting lines wrong, and he’s embarrassed.

“Try it again” comes Eddie’s reply, and Richie looks up at him tentatively, expecting to be met with glares and scorn, but Eddie’s face is blank. He’s just looking at Richie, prompting him, willing him to continue. No malice, but no soothing smile, either. Richie tries to remember what Eddie looked like when he smiled, when he was tucked under Richie’s armpit when they were watching movies in Richie’s shitty old flat.

Richie tried again, and got it right.

They finish act one scene four, and move straight onto act one scene five. The ghost speaks to Hamlet in this scene, which means Eddie will be speaking to Richie, pleading with him to ‘remember me!’.

Richie never forgot him.

“Where wilt thou lead me? Speak; I’ll go no further” Richie starts.

“Mark me”

“I will”

“My hour is almost come, when I to sulphurous and tormenting flames, must render up myself”

As they progress through the scene, Richie is stunned to realise that Eddie is awful. His delivery is wooden, his voice is monotone, emotionless, as if he doesn’t care, as if he’d rather be anywhere else, totally apathetic to Richie’s need for a good performance to respond to, to bounce off of.

“Adieu, Adieu Hamlet, Remember – –“

“Have you forgotten how to do it, Eds?” Richie interrupts, and it spills out of his mouth with more venom than he’d intended.

“We didn’t all have the luxury of finishing our acting degrees, Richard” Eddie snaps, the apathy on his face gone entirely.

He looks hurt, the same expression he’d been wearing when he’d told Richie he loved him for the very last time at the dining table, before he’d walked out of the door, and out of Richie’s life, nearly fifteen years ago.

Richie doesn’t know what to say, so he doesn’t say anything. They finish reading through the scene. Eddie’s performance doesn’t improve, if anything, it gets worse. Every ‘Swear it!’ delivered with indifference. Tiny verbal bullets that sting every time they hit Richie’s ears. Richie can’t help but recall Eddie’s Lear, powerful and commanding, a harsh juxtaposition to this damp squib of an old King Hamlet.

Almost immediately after Richie had uttered the last line of the scene, Eddie marches over to the door that the other cast members had left through, and disappears. He returns seconds later, accompanied by the rest of the cast.

“We’ll start looking over act one scene two, now. We’ll go back to act one when the whole cast is here, which will be sometime next week. I want to think about staging for scene two, and how we’ll have Claudius and Gertrude situated in relation to Hamlet, I think I’d like you, Ben, over here, and Bill if you can – –“

“Don’t you think we should all introduce ourselves?” Richie interrupts, for a second time.

Eddie just stares at him, eyebrow raised. A challenge. Continue, if you dare.

“I just think we should get to know each other, you know, so we all know where we’ve come from, who we are, what our backgrounds are. I’ll start, so, uh, sup, my dudes, the name’s Richie, and I’ve just come off tour with – –“

“I hardly think that’s relevant” Eddie scoffs, “If you want to spend the precious time we have together making friends, by all means, be my guest, but you’ll be doing it outside of my rehearsal space”

“I just thought it might help improve the chemistry between our characters”

“Do you really think a friendly atmosphere is appropriate for the play in question, Richard?”

“… I mean, I just –“

Richie meets Eddie’s eyes.

“I guess not”

The rest of the rehearsal goes okay. Richie tries not to let it sting too much when Eddie places his hands on Ben’s stomach, above his diaphragm, to help him project his voice, and when he laughs at Mike twirling around the stage In the first mock-up of his Ophelia costume. Richie tries his best to draw Eddie out of his shell, to draw Eddie back to him, repeating jokes that he knows Eddie would have laughed at – did laugh at in the past– but he doesn’t. Their interactions remain cold, clinical and professional.

At the end of the day, the main cast are knackered, but they decide to go to the pub to decompress and get to know each other a bit better. The only members of the cast that make their excuses are the actors playing Polonius, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern. Shrugging on his coat, Ben shouts out an invitation to Eddie to join them.

“Hey, Eddie! We’re all going to the pub. D’ya fancy it?”

“Uh…”, Eddie replies, eyes flicking over each of the people stood in front of him, before his gaze lands on Richie. Their eyes meet, and do not waver.

“No thanks” Eddie delivers straight to Richie, words that bore straight into the pit of Richie’s stomach. Eddie looks away from Richie, and his tone shifts to something light hearted, the voice Richie had grown to love all those years ago. “I’ve got a lot of preparation to do for tomorrow, we’ve still got a lot to do before we can move onto scene three. I’ll see you all tomorrow.”

With that, Eddie leaves the door with a small wave.

“Ah, yes, now we can get to know each other ‘outside of the rehearsal space’. I mean, what the hell was that all about?” Mike asks, holding onto Stan’s shoulder as he tries to escape the folds of fabric keeping him hostage.

“I know” Stan replies, simply, a wicked glint in his eye.

“Don’t!” Richie shouts before he can stop himself.

Everyone looks at him expectantly.

“Uh… I just need to get my coat” Richie mumbles, before slinking into the back cupboard. He smacks his forehead against the wall with a thump, closes his eyes, and breathes.

They decide to go to the pub with the garden with the outdoor heaters, at Richie’s insistence, so that he might indulge his nicotine habit. He’s been gasping for a cigarette all day, but he hadn’t dared ask Eddie if he could slip out for a few minutes.

They squish onto a small picnic table together, and Bill ends up sat comfortably on Ben’s lap, an attempt at navigating the lack of space. Ben’s hands loop comfortably around Bill’s waist, and Richie sends a quirked eyebrow his way, receiving a confused but genuine smile in response.

Richie offers to buy the first round, ‘lead buys first’, and pulls Bill off of Ben’s lap to help him carry the drinks back to the table.

“Is something going on there, Billiam?”

“You’re gonna have to be more specific, Rich” Bill replies, leaning on the bar and tapping his fingers rhythmically on the polished wood.

“Between you and our dear King. Bit of method acting, if you will?” Richie replies, waggling his eyebrows.

“I’m still lost”

“Oh my sweet summer child. Are you, our beloved Queen Gertrude, boning the usurper in chief, King Claudius?”

“You mean – am I fucking Ben?” Bill laughs.

“Yes!”

“I’m pretty sure Beverly would stab me with her knitting needles if I even tried it, mate”

“Ah, you got a lady friend then?”

“Nope. Ben does. Bev is the costume designer for this production. She’s been with Ben for years and this is the first production they’ve worked on together since they got together years ago. It’s super sweet and also super gross because I’ve walked in one them … doing things … what feels like so times and we’ve only been rehearsing for a day!”

Richie threw his head back and laughed, a proper belly laugh that shook his entire body and soul. Bill laughed too, a high-pitched croaky laugh that just made Richie laugh even more. Wiping some stray tears from his eyes, Richie was sure he saw a familiar figure disappear into the toilet, a figure wearing all black and a gauzy scarf.

“I thought Eddie wasn’t coming with us?”

“Huh? He’s not?” Bill replied, confused.

“I swear I just saw him disappear into the toilet” Richie said, still staring at the toilet door, lest he miss the person he was sure was Eddie reappear in the main bar area.

“I need a piss anyway so I’ll go check!”

Bill disappeared into the bathroom, and by the time he’d returned Richie was in the middle of ordering.

“Hey mate, can I get four pints of Somersby and two Punk IPA’s please? – – oh, any luck?”

“Nah, It wasn’t Eddie”

Richie hummed, not entirely convinced.

As they waited for their drinks, Bill started pressuring Richie about the weirdness he’d witnessed between him and Eddie.

“I’ve gotta ask, dude, what was all that about with Eddie? I saw that weird look you shared”

Richie tried to remain as flippant, and disaffected as it was possible to be, given the circumstances.

“Ah, I dunno, man. You know how he is”

“I’ve known him a day, Rich, and judging by the tension between you two that you could cut with a knife, I’m guessing you can’t say the same”

They arrived back at the table, much to Richie’s delight, and he passed out the drinks, hoping that the conversation between him and Bill would get buried by whatever everyone else was talking about.

He was not so lucky.

“Hey Stan, what did you mean when you said that you know why Eddie was being all weird about us getting to know each other?”

“I meant what I said, I know the reason. But I can’t tell you if Richie doesn’t want me to. It’s not my story to tell, I just wanted you all to know that I know”

Bill, who was sitting back on Ben’s lap, just rolled his eyes.

“Come on, Rich, I command thee to tell your mother why the air is most foul between you and master Kaspbrak”

“Do you want the long story or the short story?”

Bill rubbed his chin in faux thought.

“Short, then long if it’s juicy enough”

“We met at school, we fell in love, he broke my heart”

Richie was met with a round of sympathetic hisses and whistles, and a comforting hand on his thigh from Mike.

“Sorry, Kid. We all thought it was something to do with you being late, or something.”

“I mean, that probably didn’t help” Richie tried to laugh, but the words came out strangled.

“What was Eddie like at school?” Ben asked, swatting at Bill who kept trying to put leaves in his beer.

“Um. I dunno – he was, uh, he was brilliant, I guess”

“Wait, hang on” Adrian, who was playing Laertes, interrupted. “Didn’t Eddie go to school in Scotland? And you met Stan at RADA? How… I’m lost. How does that work?”

“Eddie went to RADA for a year before he transferred” Stan supplied, after Richie sent him a panicked look. “Eddie left in the Spring term of first year. He met Richie and I there, and then he left for Edinburgh”

“Why’d he transfer?”

“Ask him yourself, because I still don’t have a fucking clue” Richie replied, bitterly, before draining his pint in one go.

[pavlovers]

i was tagged by the lovely @sink-into-tomorrow to answer some q’s and then come up with some myself, thank you sm!!

1. What is your favorite piece of clothing that you own?

hmm that is probably a home-made ripoff of like that black and white ringer shirt with the blur logo on it? i wasnt expecting it to turn out nice because i hadnt made a shirt before but it did and i love it,, it’s really soft and it goes well with so many things

2. What is your biggest passion in life?

music without a doubt. it’s been like, the main thing keeping me afloat for the past 4-5 years. i just like,, pour my heart and soul into loving it and i feel like it’s a big source of motivation in my life. it’s not necessarily something i’d like to pursue as a career or anything like that, but i still love learning about it, and idk it’s just the most amazing thing in the world to me.  

3. Which fictional character would you like to meet in real life the most?

oh man. idk, man i really haven’t been attached to a fictional character in years. like i even when i used to read a lot, i never found any of the characters to be like super interesting people who i’d want to hang out with, even if I liked the book itself,, maybe a fictional dog though? any one of them,, if that counts ejnfjdjkdkd

4. Do you have/want any pets?

i have one (1) goldfish named nemo! he’s been alive since i was 10,, while i love having him i hope someday i’m able to own a dog or a cat because i love them both so much

5. What’s something that you really like about yourself?

oof, i hate that this is so hard for me to answer because i feel like i never do anything that im proud of…idk. i’m thoughtful i guess. sometimes too much, but still it can be a blessing sometimes 

6. Do you enjoy painting or drawing?

i do! i mean i’m not good at either of those things, but i find them relaxing

7. What are three albums/soundtracks that have shaped you as a person?

undoubtedly save rock and roll. the first album i ever listened to in full, and it pretty much sent 11 year old me on her way to a music-paved adolescence.

a fever you can’t sweat out was such a massive album for me in middle school. it’s just such a theatric and vibrant album and as someone who was kinda starting to like musicals i just naturally fell for it. the whole scene that panic was associated with was really kind of the first like sense of identity that i identified with, and i just have like,, so many good memories of like texting about panic lyrics and jokes to my friends. me and one of my friends even like bought cd copies of afycso as our first album that we ever bought.

favourite worst nightmare was also a kind of comfort album during the whole transitional period between middle school and high school. it was just like,, a shitty time mentally because like the few friends that i had in eighth grade and i painfully and slowly grew apart because i was taking different classes and since i’m not naturally extroverted, i just became like super isolated. i pretty much didn’t talk to anyone. and like honestly pretty much the arctic monkeys were a big crutch, i remember like listening to 505 and do me a favour in my dark room like almost every night for like a few weeks, because they were just so perfect to me..and honestly the monkeys marked a bit of a turning point in my music taste, pretty much up until i got into them, i was strictly listening to like the fueled by ramen/emo trinity whatever (and a couple of other bands), but like after realizing like there was so much music out there that id probably like, my music taste just began expanding at a much faster rate, as i like actively started checking out more artists. 

8. Favorite wikipedia article?

uh i didn’t have one originally but this question prompted me to look up some, and this one is morbidly fascinating

9. If you could only eat one meal for the rest of your life, what would it be?

id think it’d have to be buttered toast, like it sounds so basic but it’s so addicting,, whenever i have it once for breakfast, it’s then my breakfast for like the next 3 months because it’s just that fucking good

10. What’s your favorite cheesy pick up line, and have you ever used it for real?

hahahhs,, i honestly dont remember any pick up lines except like tennessee and idk the falling from heaven one or the map one,, and no ive never used one because i only experience romantic attraction once every 20,000 years

and now for my own questions i guess:

1. Favorite ice cream flavor?

2. First five songs when you put your music on shuffle?

3. Favorite concert you’ve ever been to?

4. Song(s) you’d like to see live

5. Weirdest dream you can remember?

6. Best vacation you’ve been on?

7. Favorite childhood tv show?

8. Favorite lyrics?

9. Who’s the worst teacher you’ve ever had?

10. Do you believe in ghosts?

um i’ll tag @jarjartrump @britneyshakespeare @en-plein-amour @home-in-orbis and @teara-cotta if they want to answer them

[daysswithyou]

Never Losing You - Part IV

Presenting to you the final part of ��Never Losing You”! Enjoy :)

part i, part ii, part iii

IV.

Jae POV

“I missed you.”

That was the first thing I said, without thinking, at all.

I didn’t know what to say.

I couldn’t say anything else.

Or perhaps I have so much to say to her that all I know how to say at that point in time was “I missed you” amongst all the other thoughts I had. They say that the heart speaks before the mind does, and this time round it does once again. I want to hug her, to pull her into my arms and to lay my chin atop of her soft hair once again but I find myself floored. It’s been too long since I last saw Lynn, and I had to take a good look at her once again.

Lynn still looks the same. Except that this time round her hair falls in waves across her back instead of the usual straight cut that she had back then. But otherwise, she looks just like how she did 10 years ago when I left her.

Still as beautiful,

Still as flawless.

“So… how you’ve been Jae? It’s good to see you again.”

“I…eh…I’ve been good, yea. Good to see you again too Lynn.” I manage a small smile at the end of my sentence and she raises the corners of her lips ever so slightly for me.

I think of all the things I want to say to her and I open my mouth to do so, but nothing comes out. It can’t. How could any words in this world possibly express my feelings fully for the love of my life that was standing right in front of me right now?

This is the mind-boggling effect Lynn has on me; she can just stand there and not do anything, and still render me speechless. She is the only one in this whole wide world that can do this to me.

Stepping closer, I finally decide to stop looking for the perfect words to say and just be honest with my heart.

“You look beautiful tonight.”

“You could say the same for yourself. You look really good Jae.”

“Thank my stylist instead. They can transform the sloppy me into…this. I’m still the same you know?”

“Baggy sweatshirts and jeans with an obsession for plaid outerwear?”

I crack a smile as I shake my head and let my eyes drop to the floor. She knows me too well.

“You got that right.”

“I should know better.”

“Yea you should.”

The nervousness lingers in the air between us and I have so much more to say to her but this isn’t a good place to say them all.

“When are you free Lynn? Let’s head out together some time? I want to talk to you, catch up you know?”

“I…eh…” She looks away for a moment to push her hair behind her ears and that’s when I see it.

The unmistakable glint of a diamond ring on her left ring finger.

The rest of my words die in my throat and all I manage to do is croak out one question.

“You’re married now?”

“Yea… it’s been about 5 years.”

I can see from her eyes that she didn’t intend for me to know that but even now that I’ve found out, she doesn’t try to hide it.

“Any children?”

“A daughter; her name’s Alicia and she’s 3.”

“I bet she looks beautiful just like you.”

“She does look more like me than her dad.”

“Is he good to you?”

Now, it’s her turn to stare at me with an unreadable expression.

Lynn POV

“Is he good to you?”

That question catches me off guard and rings in my head.

As I stare at the face of my first love, I realise I don’t know how to come up with the answer but eventually, I do say something.

“He is. He’s good to me.”

But it’s the things that I don’t say that mean the most.

As I peer into his eyes, I pour my heart and soul into my gaze.

He’s good to me, but he can never be you.

He can never be my first love.

He doesn’t hold me like you do.

I can’t joke around with him like I did with you.

He doesn’t sing for me like you do.

He doesn’t do cute things for me like you do.

His lips are nothing like yours.

He doesn’t know my weak spots like you do.

He can never love me like you do. Or at least, like how you did.

“That’s good, he better treat you well or I’m going to take you back from him.”

I scoff a little at his statement but is it bad that in a tiny spot in my heart, I hope that would happen?

But I live in reality, and that only happens in fiction. Besides, I have a daughter to care for now. I can’t just take off like that.

My frank admission seemed to have caused Jae to close off and he slowly backs away from me.

“I have to go now Lynn, the next song is my solo.”

“Wow the crowds Jae.”

He flashes me a thumbs up sign before turning his back to me and stepping on stage. I watch for a little while as he sings with soul for the moving crowd before fading into the background.

When I walk away, I get the familiar feeling of someone staring at me, like how it was back then when it all started.

Jae POV

I don’t remember how I managed to pull through the show with my heart breaking inside. It was such a turbulent day: I’d hit rock bottom when I knew that she was married, before that morphed into anger and indignity. Playing for my fans that brought me to my favourite kind of high again and by the end of the night, I was thoroughly exhausted.

I knew clearly that I felt angry. I was angry at Lynn.

But why should I? And did I have the right to do so?

After all these years, was I seriously hoping that she would be waiting for me at the same spot? No, I was a fool to think that way. It’s almost as good as holding her in shackles as I live the life I always wanted.

No, I love her, and since I truly do, I wouldn’t hope for her to wait for me. I would want her to live her life happily, like I am now.

At this prime moment, I’d choose to look out of the window and it made me certain that my choice was right.

Lynn was holding her baby girl in her arms and even from a distance, I knew I was right. Her eyes are just like Lynn’s, all bright and sparkly, looking like they hold all the stars in them. Lynn scrunches up her nose like she always does before planting a kiss on Alicia’s cheek, causing the little one to smile. A man watches the pair with adoration and I’m certain that’s her husband.

I know Lynn like an open book and I’m certain that what I’m seeing at the present moment is a look of pure bliss on Lynn’s face.

Taking in the scene before me, all I can think of is how glad I am that Lynn has found her own happiness, as did I.

As the van drives away from the scene, I finally know where to place Lynn in my heart and all the confusion that came along with leaving her for the past 10 years dissipate along with it as well.

I’m certain I would never be able to truly forget her; she’d given me such an extraordinary love that I don’t think I’ll be able to love another after knowing her love. But yet I’m also certain that now I’ll have the strength to let her go. Our memories will always remain as a beautiful part of my story but she will no longer hold onto my thoughts for too long at a time.

In this lifetime, I would never be able to lose her. But in learning to let go, I could finally learn to find myself again.

[sssoto]

Creator’s update #1

Hey guys! So I’ve decided to start actually blogging on this blog and tell a bit about the various things I’m working on, share WIPs, music I’ve been digging recently etc. I realise that I rarely post anything, so it seems like I’m super inactive - which is totally not true, I just have so much stuff going on and take a long time to finish things, and I’m also pretty picky about what I put up online lol! For the sake of keeping those of you interested in the loop, I’m gonna start this series of creator’s updates in which I’ll update y’all on the progress I’ve made on my various creative projects. The goal is to give an update a few times a month (hopefully lol)!

This past while I’ve been super inactive in the writing department, but very much productive in the art department, so my writing update will be mostly a summary of what I’ve been doing the past few years up until this point.

Mood: Feelin’ real good cuz my parents finally brought my comfy double bed over from my mum’s place this past weekend, which means no more sleeping on the couch yaaaaaas.

Music I’ve been digging recently:

Skye Sweetnam - Boyhunter So, the other day I randomly listened to this song on my way home from work, and I totally realised that Skye Sweetnam is the perfect voice for my character Caitlyn, and this song totally embodies what Caitlyn is all about lmaoooo. (The song isn’t very accurate to the time period Caitlyn lives in, but it’s super accurate to her character essence and personality, and I just find that so lit hahahah) 

Fallulah - Out of It This song is basically my MC’s theme song?? It’s performed by a Danish artist and was super popular in Denmark a few years back as it was the theme tune to a Danish tv show (a show I loved!). The lyrics are just so Daniel, it’s not even funny. It mostly fits his mental state at the beginning of Renaissance.

Girl’s Day - Love Again Ugh I just love the tune of this song so much, I can’t really place my finger on it, the emotion is just so great. I love the guitar riff especially, and Girl’s Day is a four member girl group, so it’s one of those songs where I can imagine my main girls Annaliese, Caitlyn, Mary and Serena singing as each member lmao.

Nine Muses - Remember Another four member group now, this song is also one where I can imagine my main girls singing each member’s part lmao, and having that aspect to a song always makes it a little better for me! Forreal tho, this new release from Nine Muses slays, and we all know it. The music video haunts me.

Sistar - Lonely This song makes me sad and happy all at once, cuz I’m not ready to say goodbye to Sistar, but at the same time this ending is probably the best one any fan could’ve wished for because there was no drama or anger, just well wishes and hope for the future. I know these girls will go far, and this song just pulls at all my heart strings man. The melody of the bridge and chorus, Dasom and Soyu’s parts in particular, really works for me. And yeah, Sistar has four members too, and once again I can picture my main girls singing as each member lmao. It’s a thing I have, okay?

Moana OST - We Know The Way + Know Who You Are I recently watched this movie, and while I sorta felt like the plot was a bit rushed and tropey in many ways, I totally adored the visuals and the MUSIC OMG. These two songs are my favourite, Lin-Manuel Miranda’s vocals never miss, and Auli’i Cravalho’s high note is gorgeous! Also dat choir in the background tho, and in context with the movie scene that song just makes me irrationally emotional mkay. (That ending was the best twist ever, it definitely lifted the story up a notch for me!)

Writing

So I’m writing a book! You might have seen me mention it a few times already on here, but I’ve not really shared much insight into my process or what sort of book this actually is (other than talking about characters here and there), and as I’ve not been making huge progress lately (I’m in an art state of mind duuuh), I thought that I’d keep this section short and sweet, with a bit of an introduction into what my book project is all about.

I call it a book project because I don’t feel comfortable just calling it a book when I don’t have rights to publish. Technically my book is a fanfiction based on the horror video game Amnesia: The Dark Descent, and as such I don’t own copyright of the small percentage of my story that features the canon elements. However, I take this as seriously as anyone else would writing their own book, because I’ve poured my entire heart and soul into it, and the vast majority of the content (plot, characters and world) is my original creation. It’s my own little big project lol!

You might be familiar with the game, and even if you aren’t, that’s not a prerequisite for reading my book since everything is introduced and set up just as in any regular book. The protagonist is an Englishman named Daniel, and we know little of his past through the game. I won’t go into too much detail on what the game is about (if you really wanna know, you can look it up), but the point of my book is to explore the protagonist’s life from his childhood up to the events of the game and beyond, and afterwards connect his story to the game sequels featuring other protagonists within the same universe. It’s a bit complex and elaborate, which is just the way I like it!

As the games are set at various points during the Victorian era (game #1 is set in Prussia 1839, game #2 is set in France 1858, and game #3 is set in England 1899), you can probably guess that the entire thing will be pretty long. That’s why I’m making it a series! I have at least seven books planned so far (though there’ll definitely be more, since I’m not near the end of the timeline I need to cover yet), and I currently have the first book written and am writing the sequel - however, the first book will need a complete rewrite once I’m finished with book #2, because I’ve since developed and changed a lot of stuff, and I have many new interesting ideas for a more fleshed out version of the first book. Still, the fanfic version is available online, so if you’d like to read it, you can find it here. You’ll get a pretty good idea of the general story and the characters, but keep in mind that it’s super outdated and will be very different after my rewrite!

For reference, this is the list of books that I’ve planned (and titled) so far, so you can keep up with what book of my series I’m talking about at any given point:

I - Amnesia: Memoirs

II - Amnesia: Renaissance

III - Amnesia: Voyage

IV - Amnesia: Noir

V - Amnesia: Encore

VI - Amnesia: Rogue

So what I’m doing right now with this project is revisions. Uuuuggghhhhh. Yes, that’s right, I’m stuck in revision hell. I’ve not even finished the first draft of Renaissance yet (I know, sacrilege, writing blasphemy, don’t start your damn edits until you’ve finished your draft dumbass), but I had some pretty major changes to make, changes so big that it would be a waste of time and effort to go on drafting without implementing them first. Mainly the changes are surrounding 1) a change of ages of my main cast (I aged many characters up a few years), and 2) changing and figuring out the specifics of the illness which my MC’s sister, Hazel, is afflicted with. She’s not such a major character in Renaissance, but she plays a big role in Memoirs, and since I had all these new ideas for the rewrite of that, I wanted to implement the ripple effects in the second book so it wouldn’t be too much of a hassle to edit later when Renaissance is a finished 3-400k first draft lmao (I have a lot of words okay?). These changes mostly affect the early chapters of my book - chapters I wrote about three years ago, which means that these early chapters really need a face-lift. In addition to the age and illness change, I wanna revise the first five chapters by cutting the fluff and tightening up the beginning so we get to the action a tiny bit faster. Adding to the fact that these early chapters are three years old, the prose also needs an almost complete rewrite. So long story short, all of the edits are taking a long ass time, and I’m not having a good time lmao. Doesn’t help that I had to stop drafting right at one of the juiciest scenes in my book?!?!? (that’s a lie, it gets juicier, but I was just getting to the real good stuff yanno?)

(Side note: for someone who said that I’d keep this short, it sure turned out long lmao. I just have too many damn words.)

Chapters edited: 2/16 (working on 3 right now and it’s an effin’ pain)

Current total word count: 120,591

Current total chapter count: 17 (the number will go down to 16 once I finish the revisions, as I’m merging two chapters)

Look at all the dumb shit I still have to edit for chapter 3. Look at it.

Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.

Art

Man, I’ve been doing a lot of artwork recently, and by a lot, I don’t mean that I’ve finished any.

I think I’ve been focused on developing my actual drawing skills rather than making finished illustrations, because I’ve been so overwhelmed with inspiration and I’ve wanted to try out drawing a bunch of different motives, so my mind is on a lot of different art projects at once, and I’m making baby steps of progress on each of them because I just wanna do everything lmao. I should probably take a step back and settle on one thing at a time, but at the same time, I feel like this is working for me because I’m so inspired and motivated and super excited for every single art piece; I don’t feel myself losing interest in any of them, in fact I just feel like my switching between different artworks keeps every piece fresh and interesting for me, yanno?

So here’s one thing that I’ve been slowly chipping away at for the past few months. I’m drawing a full body group picture of my main cast from Renaissance!

I’ve drawn the anatomy sketches of all the male characters (though I’m debating whether I should add some others), and now I’m adding the female characters one by one, so these are not all of the characters yet. But man, I just love seeing the characters side by side? The variety in their body language, body types and heights is just so interesting to look at, and it’ll be even better once I get around to actually adding their facial features, expressions, hair, attire, and then colouring them as well omg! I’m a sucker for this kind of thing, blame it on @juliajm15 and her amazing diverse character designs.

It’s gonna be a huge picture with a lot of characters, and I’m stoked for it!! This is a piece which I hope I’ll be able to show ya’ll the progress of bit by bit in every few updates. (also, if you feel somewhat familiar with some of my characters, you’re welcome to make guesses at who’s who (; )

Another project I’m working on is making official character portraits of my main cast (and possibly minor characters as well). I just think it’s nice to have official portraits as reference for anyone who’d like to see what the characters look like, and also for myself for whenever I need to refresh the specific features and expression of each character. It’s just a nice thing that satiates my very Type A personality lmao!

So the characters above are Owen Wright (to the left) , Daniel’s puppy bff with the fluffy hair, and then from left to right I’m colouring the portraits of the Armstrong siblings: Caleb, Caitlyn and Tristan. Their dad is a duke! n.n Caleb is the oldest, Caitlyn the youngest, and Tristan is the bland middle child. He’s a little brat LOL but I still love him.

Also, due to this glorious reference I found, I finally figured out how to draw Daniel. Bless this model, I never knew I wanted Daniel to have big puffy lips, but apparently I do.

He looks actually nice now? Which is nice? I’m amazed. Also his hair? I can never draw his hair, but this looks nice so yay? Also, I dunno why I never draw clothes on him, I guess I’m just lazy lol, but he’s gonna need to wear clothes for the official character portrait soooo... That’s a thing I’m gonna have to do.

Now that I’ve figured out his features, it’s gonna be fun to remodel all his family members accordingly. I sense that he’ll have gotten those cute puffy lips from his mum meheheheh.

I also did some Disney fanart of my two favourite Disney ladies; Esmeralda and Kida <3

I actually never really draw fanart any more, it’s been yeeeaaaars since I did, and when I used to do it, I was always very particular about staying as true to the original art style as possible. But now that I’ve spent the past couple years focusing on developing my own art style, I actually decided not to care about that so much and just draw the characters the way I’m used to drawing my own, and lo and behold - it looks pretty accurate to the Disney style?? I assumed that the characters would end up looking very different, but other than the eyes being smaller I feel like they look the exact same lmao. It’s interesting to me, because even when I used to do fanart, I usually did so of Japanese art and manga, not of Disney or any other western art. Also, I don’t consider my own style very Disney, but it pleases me a lot that the characters look so much like themselves even in my art style! The most important thing to me is to capture the essence of the character anyway, so any fan can recognise the character they love so much n.n

So that’s about it for this round! I’ve been working on other things as well, but I’d rather not disclose them to the public just yet - perhaps later, when I’ve made more progress, or (gasp!) actually finished something!! Bahahah, with the many things I’m working on, hell will freeze over before that day comes. *cries*

Youtube

I’m adding this Youtube section because, in addition to writing and doing artwork, I also like to record vocal covers (mainly of kpop songs, but I’ll do anything I’m in the mood for at any given point), aaaaand as of today I'm gonna be uploading speedpaints as well! Which is probably good since I don’t upload my covers nearly as often as I finish them lmao.

I’ve not uploaded any new covers recently (though I really should, I do have some covers lying around on my laptop mwerp), but I’m gonna list a couple of my favourite covers I have on my channel here so you can take a listen if you’d like!

And today I uploaded my very first speedpaint to my channel, so check that out if you’re interested in that sort of stuff! It’s the process of my Christmas portrait piece for Serena. I aim to be more consistent with uploads since I have a few unedited recordings lying around, so keep an eye out for that!

If you’ve read this far, thank you for sticking around and taking a look at my work, even if it’s only in WIP form. I wanted to start doing these updates because I’ve been watching my friends do them for a long time, and I always love reading their writing updates; they motivate me so much to get working on my own stuff, and I just wanna be able to perhaps do something similar for anyone else who’s watching me out there. So thank you sincerely to @coffeeandcalligraphy, @sarahkelsiwrites and @shaelinwrites for sharing your process with the world and being such an inspiration to me and many others, I love seeing you all make progress on your own projects <3

So that was all for this round, I hope you guys enjoyed a little sneak peek into what I’ve been working on! Until next time, folks!