#ive only recently become okay with people using the nickname dani again because that was my dad's 'term of affection' | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

tumblunni · 6 years ago

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FUCKIN JOE'S CHIPPY JOE'S CHIPPY IS STILL THERE

Fucking fuck fuck why am i getting so emotional over a fish n chips shop

Fuck i had a stupid ptsd flashback to my mum abusing me and i couldbt sleep at all last night but it also left me with the weird vivid memory of the damn takeaway restaurant around the corner from our house. The guy in there was really nice to the lil 8 year old me, he always used to giggle at how obsessed i was with ketchup and i liked having any sort of positive adult figure in my life even if it was just a local shopkeeper who'd give me discounts and extra ketchups sometimes. And i remember how hard it was to reach the counter! And god even the smell of the ketchup. I used to swear that every single brand in the supermarket just didnt taste as good as the nice chef guy's food. And it still doesnt. I sorta just stopped loving ketchup after i left. Its so stupid how just a tiny bit of basic politeness to a child can leave you etched permenantly into their brain as one of the few good things about being alive, and one of the few non terrifying adults.

Anyway because of this i was actually able to finally track down my childhood address! Cos the chip shop is still there!! Cos i forgot every damn thing about that house except Nice Chippy Man! How is it still there!! I bet its not even run by the same people but GAHHHH i still wish i had the courage to go back there someday. It would feel like reclaiming a part of myself if i could walk down those childhood streets again and see how the place has changed and get hipe that i've changed for the better too. And im not just the same kid that my parents broke. But maybe i am still broken, cos im still too scared to go even within 10 miles of where my dad lived, even though i know where that is and its just a short bus ride. :/

Anyway at least now i know so its a possibility i could do it someday. That's the first step!

#it kinda proves just how bad the whole ptsd memory fog is #cos seriousky the street had a real weird name and as soon as i saw it i was like FUCK YES THAT WAS IT #how the fuck could i have ever forgotten this #and so many other details...#yet remembered the damn chip shop #i guess maybe memories associated with smell and stuff are less affected?#seriously i just woke up fuckin smelling nonexistant ketchup and inexplicably terrified #its so hard to even explain flashbacks cos sometimes theyre not even a flashback to a particular instance of abuse #its just a flashback to being a child and being convinced this is real and getting the looming dread of knowing what #every day of your life will be #the constabt vigilance of worrying when you're gonna get beaten or screamed at for seemingly no damn reason #so even good memories like a family outing to get fast food end up tainted by that #i mean our house was literally in the block of flats above the shop so #we went there at least once a week and it was definately part of like #at least a quarter of mom's bad days #god its so weird how the brain associates stuff #i was scared of off colour lilac paint for fuckin years just because my mum painted her bedroom that colour #ive only recently become okay with people using the nickname dani again because that was my dad's 'term of affection'#and like seriously ive still gotta try and imagine theyre spelling it danny cos that helps even a tiny bit #fuckin weird brain #god i feel really sick now #god i cant get back to sleep

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