#ive only gotten one ask from them and i freaked out at deleted it

[iamthedamndonutdrawcat]

hey i hope its okay to send you an ask like this but all your thoughts on the heartstopper fandom are just so true like?? i dont know how to put it into words but like the fact that it was just our own little safe space and suddenly its all big and popular and sort of lost its earnest charm. i love the show dont get me wrong but the fandom just doesnt have the same effect it used to. kind rich speaking as ive not even been in the fandom two years but i miss the ‘old days’ where we had like 10 fanfics and none of them were kit connor x reader smut. idk just its comforting i guess to know im not the only one who gets this sort of emptiness from the fandom these days. just like thank you for your contributions to this fandom and having such correct opinions haha <3

hey i'm so sorry for responding so late but i've been kinda freaking out over social media lately. i'm so glad to hear that you can connect to the shit i talk all the time, i often feel like i'm just venting into the void (which is fine but its great to hear people think the same).

yeah i mean i knew heartstopper as a big fandom would be problematic but i didn't think it woul go this bad this fast. i was literally just on ao3 and there was someone posting those kinda 'fanarts' where they edit the actors faces onto porn and then into the show settings and its like.... wow...... we really went here in one month?? i saw people in the comments like 'hey delete this it's sexualising the actors but also like.... the characters are minors wtf' but also people really supporting that kinda stuff????? idk i really wanna bleach my eyes.

and yeah about 'old days'..... i get that. i mean i've been in the online fandom since like march 2020 but i do feel like one of the oldies who've seen better times. kinda sad tbh

and now that i'm at it i really do needa talk about kit connor bc its like. he seems to be a nice person and yes he's somehow attracative but i've gotten to the point that i don't wanna talk about him anymore. half the fandom is being so so disgusting about him and he does know and he's stated it makes him feel terrible and that he doesn't even wanna use social media anymore. how can a fandom praise itself on being extremely correct and nice and then bully and sexualise the actors in such disgusting ways. i'm literally horrified.

i'm so so happy to hear you feel seen in my rants :)) but yeah 'it ain't old times anymore'

[fallenpkmntrainer]

Thank you all for sending in Munday asks! As usual, they have all now been deleted and placed under the cut here for blog cleanliness purposes.

Even though she is technically a “Poképasta” character herself, Leaf is still very much a canon character at heart, so she’d probably be very freaked out by all the blood and murder if I’m honest!

I think the only one she’d really get along with is Skye – mostly due to the fact that she’s a real human spirit taking the form of a Pokémon.

I actually drew the two interacting over on my deviantART!

Skye would probably be so caught up in feeling sorry for Leaf that she’d forget about her own issues for a moment, while Leaf would dismiss her own problems to focus on Skye, who is a real person who is so, so much more important.

Leaf really does love all her players, and Skye, who was a Pokémon fan, was one of them.

On this blog? Probably not!

Sorry, I prefer this story to be relatively self-contained. While Fallen Leaf is technically considered a “Poképasta”, it’s also a story that could be considered dubiously canon, as long as you are willing to believe it is. Introducing outside Poképastas shatters that immersion, I believe.

Which is - ahaha – the reason I often avoid questions referencing other Pokepastas. I have gotten several questions asking for Leaf’s opinion on other different pastas, but they’re usually just not relevant to her or her situation.

Ideally- and I say ideally and not plausibly - I want the world I knew as a child back. I want Leaf’s world back.

I am not satisfied with her simply existing as a third wheel to Red and Blue as she does in Pokémon Masters. That is not the Leaf I used to know.

I want the world where Leaf was Blue’s childhood friend and rival. I want the world where Leaf singlehandedly disbanded Team Rocket. I want the world where Leaf became the Champion.

Because that’s who Leaf as a character was to me.

I do not care how they implement this concept. Whether it be via the player’s own gender that decides whether Leaf or Red is the hero of Kanto or some other factor, it doesn’t matter to me.

I just want the hero of Kanto to be a girl again.

I have no plans for any sort of “official” ending for this blog.

I feel like any sort of “happy ending” would feel forced and fake, but there doesn’t seem to be any other sort of “ending” I could do without just enforcing the status quo you already know, once and for all…

As I have said before, this blog has no story, because Leaf’s story has already ended. Meaning, I can stop updating this blog at any time and it would not feel forced to me.

It also means I can come back to it at any time, should I find a need to.

I apologize if that is a disappointing answer.

I know that this blog has given people a lot of time to become attached to Leaf and hope for some form of closure for her, but until that closure comes in real life, I cannot end this blog in a satisfying way.

And truthfully, I think it’s better that way.

Getting a goodbye from Leaf implies an official “ending” to this blog… Which, as I just said, I do not intend on doing.

The blog will end on whatever the last post I intend to draw is. Sorry…!

As Leaf herself once said…

You can’t bring back those lost in the past.

Even if they made a new game where the world is Leaf’s again, that does not erase the fact that there were countless worlds that belonged to Leaf that were stolen by soulless Reds.

If you were to go back and play HGSS, you would still see that same Red who killed your Leaf.

So, Fallen Leaf and Red would still remain…

But the next Leaf would be able to be there for the girls that loved, needed, and missed her.

Ah! Time for an interesting fun fact: scrapped content!

See, I actually did initially have an alternate design for the Fallen Red design-

Seeing as Fallen Leaf’s colors were based on the glitch Pokémon  ♀ .,  I thought that might not be suitable for Fallen Red.

(Left: true design. Right: gray border added for dashboard visibility.)

Fallen Red’s design was initially based on the Missingno. of the Gen IV games- “Invisible shiny Bulbasaur” as some people call it.

The design was cut for two reasons - 1) The game considers Red and Leaf to be the same entity due to them inhabiting the same place in memory. A hack that affects Red will affect Leaf, and vice versa. Therefore, it made more sense for their appearance to be the same when “Fallen”.

2) The “Red Chain” pun would be lost in translation. I wouldn’t be able to justify Fallen Red using the Red Chain on Leaf if he wasn’t… you know, red.

The reason I started developing Fallen Leaf was actually just my desire to make a Poképasta that was centered around a Trainer for once, as most of my old stories had a Pokémon as its main character.

I chose Leaf for a number of reasons- the biggest being that after all this time, she never had a Poképasta of her own.

Red had stories like Glitchy Red/False Red, Blue had Blue Tears, Gold had Lost Silver and Silver had Tarnished Gold.

Leaf didn’t really have that.

She appeared in Abandon Lonliness, but she was just caught up in Blue’s story, Lonliness’s story. She was constantly manipulated and strung around by the ghosts that haunted Blue and Lonliness, and then she died for it. She never really had any agency in that story, and I don’t really like that much.

That’s why I wrote Fallen Leaf, a story that was really hers.

I never really considered any other characters for a similar story. Rather, I think this kind of story could only be done with Leaf.

And I immediately knew what I wanted for her right away. In my mind, I had already decided, “What if there was a story where Leaf was angry about her erasure from canon?”

But there were some other ideas never made it into the final story. Initially, Fallen Leaf’s events were just a really elaborate Action Replay code, but I eventually decided that the “hacked game” trope was more plausible, and more in line with the classic Trainerpastas like the aforementioned Glitchy Red, Blue Tears, Lost Silver, etc.

Yep, pretty much!

I took this asset of the Snow Mail from HGSS, and just squashed and stretched it to whatever size I needed. I have it in a few different sizes depending on the length of the question.

I would absolutely be all for it!

I’d like to take this chance to throw a bit of support over to my friend Virus’s cloudinbottle blog! Go check it out when you have the chance!!

!!! Thank you very much for enjoying my work!!!

Seriously, it means the world to me when people say Fallen Leaf is their favorite Poképasta. Its message is really important to me, and the fact it has resonated with people in less than a year really makes everything worth it.

Thank you so much!

[michaelmilkers]

what is it, exactly, that your 'friends' were angry with u about? i dont want to be invasive and u can ignore this ask, i just think that altho im leaning in ur favor i dont want to decide whether or not to continue supporting you without all of the data. i.e., you could be saying something wildly racist, or you could have insulted someones dog. obviously completely different things that merit completely different responses. i can message you if u dont want to share with the general public :)

putting it under a cut

this

i said in the blacklist chat about a month ago “is circumcision common in latinos” for a thing i was writing which was not only something i couldve googled (which i ended up doing) but also incredibly poor phrasing and i apologized

i was sometimes too open about sexual topics in the nsfw chat (which was 16+) because i was under the impression everyone was okay with it because no one ever really told me it was tmi (sometimes i put stuff in general that i didnt consider nsfw but other people considered nsfw but most of those times i deleted whatever it was i said/sent) (also for the record i had a general rule against sending irl porn in the nsfw chat and so i never did that aside from like the first few months of the servers existence where i was still trying to figure out how to go about having a server at all)

there was a “jewish” role in the server that some jewish people in the server asked for but apparently some people were uncomfortable with the fact that there was a jewish role but not roles for other ethnicities or minorities. people communicated this to me and i was going to make other roles but hadnt gotten around to it yet when everything went down bc spoons

i wasnt open enough about the reasons why i banned people (which only happened a couple times) so people assumed i was only banning them because they disagreed with me, which wasnt true

i have a habit of publicly (i.e. on the blog) responding to criticism with passive aggression or jokes, something im aware of and actively working on, and its something i dont do in private conversation because i dont think its productive, in fact one of my rules in the server was not to respond to disagreements or arguments or discourse with reaction gifs or emotes or memes or stuff like that. 

and this is the biggest incident, tw for genital mutilation and nsfw discussion, and its a long one so bear with me:

basically in december i mentioned in the nsfw chat that i happened to come across a video of a woman essentially sewing her vagina shut. i did not send the video and did not describe it in graphic detail. i shouldnt have brought it up at all, but this was another case of me thinking something wasnt that bad but it upset a few other people. because of the nature of the video the most i will say about it is that it was not a permanent thing, it was done with sterile medical-grade stuff, and it was a masochism thing rather than like actually permanently mutilating the vagina. i was browsing around the internet going down various rabbit holes out of boredom and i came across this video, i did not search for this kind of thing, i just watched it out of curiosity.

anyways, some people were upset by it, i apologized for mentioning it and that was kind of that. but then the next day i received an anonymous ask calling me a freak whos into genital mutilation so i copied the ask in the blacklist chat (tagging it any time i mentioned the video in any level of detail) and basically what then happened that night was that i received multiple anons over the course of a couple hours calling me a freak and greatly exaggerating what happened. i would post the ask in the blacklist chat, me and a couple other people would talk about what was said, and then i would get another anon or two about it.

from the start i did not take the anons seriously because like, youre fucking liveblogging a conversation YOURE IN in my inbox, and i stated multiple times that if they wanted to have a serious conversation about it they could dm me or bring it up in the server because i was not going to entertain this back and forth bullshit.

i called the anon a clown and they sent clown emojis in response, which is when it kind of started getting out of control. me and a lot of other people in the server were making fun of the anon and joking about it calling them “clown anon” and stuff. and then the anon sent an ask containing the sentence “do u really want to be on the team of the guy who watches pussy sewing for fun!” (directed at everyone else in the server joking with me) and i thought the phrase “pussy sewing” was fucking HILARIOUS so everyone started making pussy sewing jokes and calling the anon clussy anon and saying shit like “pussy sewing sunday” (bc this was happening on a sunday night) and “pussy sewing club” and shit like that.

i said multiple times during this that i was not making fun of the video or the subject matter i was making fun of the anon(s) and their dramatic bullshit, but some people didnt believe me ig. at the time i was maintaining the opinion that as long as its all sterile and there is no permanent damage then stuff like that is fine and its none of my business what people do to their own bodies, which i still kind of agree with? im not super sure.

but anyway a few people thought i was a shitty person because of this, one of these people left and the other two said they were going to leave so i banned them, one person was very upset by the subject matter and wanted to take a break from the server, i told them sorry about the situation and to be safe. when one of my mods came online and saw what happened she was very upset about the fact that people had left and i didnt really listen to what she was saying (something ive apologized for since then) but said that for the sake of the person taking a break this was to never be brought up again. i agreed and asked my other mod to delete the conversation because i was low on spoons at the time, they said sure and deleted it for me (and during on the incident on friday this person told everyone that i “made them” delete the messages and that they were too afraid to say no to me and it was disgusting) and that was the last time the situation was brought up until this weekend.

i had actually learned from the situation, both about the things i bring up and also the content i look at even out of boredom or curiosity, and the ethics of that, and i have since then not looked at anything like that online. the people in my server were not aware of this because i was told to never bring it up again, so i didnt, and no one brought it up to me privately so i assumed people werent upset about it anymore. so they assumed i didnt care or i was still looking at shit like that and just wasnt talking about it. i had absolutely no idea people were still harboring bad feelings about this incident and if i did i wouldve apologized again and told them about how i had learned from the situation. i explained all of this on saturday and nobody seemed to care.

multiple times during the situation this weekend i said that their criticisms are valid and tried to explain myself and apologize and own up to what i did, but apparently because im mad about them bullying me and getting people to raid the server im not actually sorry?? according to them.

which is more of them just trying to gaslight me and manipulate me into thinking this is all my fault and i deserved it instead of that event being fucking bullshit.

one person said “your criticisms are valid but the way you brought them up isnt” or something like that in quotation marks in an attempt to mock me but like,,, yeah thats exactly what im saying lmao.

so yeah thats basically it? those are the main things. sorry this got so long.

[caramell0w]

Ready to Comply

Parings: Bucky x Reader

Summary: You are taken captive by Hydra and Bucky becomes your protector

Warnings: Language, Angst, Torture (both Bucky and reader)

A/N: This is an ask I got about doing a Beauty and the Beast with Bucky. I don’t like doing rewrites of movies, so I made it unique and added elements of the movie to it. Hope you enjoy!

A/N 2: So this is the 2nd time I’m posting this because I’m a dumb ass and deleted the original. So sorry about that everyone! This one should be good now. Also a big shout out to @blog-lady-vi (who Tumblr won’t let me tag) for the correct translations! I’m not retagging people in this one. Thank you all to those of you that like, commented and reblogged my original. Sorry I deleted it!

Translations: You don’t have the balls - У тебя яиц не хватит Fuck you too - Ты тоже иди нахуй

Word Count: 3581

If you like my fanfic, check out my books

Masterlist

I’m running as fast through the trees as my legs will take me. The distant sound of dogs barking reminds me I’m not safe yet. I pump my arms and legs, willing my body to push me forward out of danger. Faster, move faster damn it! The barking gets louder and the shouts of men increases. I can’t be caught. Hydra will never let me live if I’m caught. My future holds torture and ultimately, death.

I see a clearing up ahead of me and push harder and faster, hoping to get out into the open where someone might see me and rescue me. Coms went dead over five minutes ago, I’m not even sure if my team has survived the mission. I turn to look behind me and see the dogs are closing in. My legs feel like jello and my chest hurts so bad from the exertion I feel as if I will pass out.

Just a little more, almost there! I thought about turning around and aiming my gun at the soldiers and dogs chasing after me; but what would that actually do? There are many more of them than of me and I would just run out of bullets. The opening is so close I can taste freedom and then I see him, the Asset. The Winter Soldier, waiting for me at my only exit to this God forsaken forest. He has his gun trained on me, and I know he never misses his target.

I skid to a stop a few feet in front of him and turn so I’m running parallel to the opening. His eyes, while hidden underneath dark glasses are trained on my every movement. I’m his mission and unless I die; there is no chance of escape. I’m not going down without a fight though, screw that! I stop running and turn my gun on myself.

“Stop, or I shoot,” I say, cocking my gun.

“У тебя яиц не хватит,” he replies, his voice muffled by his muzzle.  

“Ты тоже иди нахуй,” I respond and smile.

The sound of the dogs barking is deafening now as they are nipping at my heels.

“Soldat, take her down now,” a soldier commands. The Winter Soldier takes a step forward and I take one back, followed by another. My back brushes a tree and this is it. This is how it all ends, cornered like a broken dog. My finger itches to pull the trigger. In an instant he has his gun in his hand and he shoots at my leg. I look down expecting pain and blood; but I see a small dart instead. Fuck. I drop to my knees, the world above me spinning, and everything goes black.   

I wake up some time later, could be hours, could be days; I’m really not sure. I’ve been stripped down to just my stealth suit pants and my tank top. No guns, no communication system, no watch. I look around at my small cell and at my deathbed. It could be worse, I could die on the cold cement floor curled up. Now it’s the waiting game.

I stand and walk to the bars that are holding me in my tiny prison and look into the cell next to me. He’s there, caged like an animal as well. How fitting for a killer.

“Soldat.” I command his attention. He turns his head in my direction but makes no move to answer me.

“Where am I?” He stares at me, eyes glued to mine and shoulder length chestnut hair hanging in his face. “I asked you a question Soldat. Where am I?”

“He won’t talk to you. He doesn’t report to you.” A booming voice says as he walks down the hall to my cell. “If you want to talk to him so bad I can make sure he breaks you for the answers we need.”

“I should have shot myself when I had the chance.”

“We’ll see about that, Y/F/N. In the meantime, I believe you might just be our next Asset. We have a lot of work ahead of us, and we have a lot of work to break you.” I back away from him, I’m terrified and he knows it. I see the glint of amusement in his eye and the smug smile on his face.  “Oh yes, you are going to be fun to break. Better try to get some sleep, you won’t be getting any for awhile.” He turns on his heel and leaves us alone.

I feel the tears form and wipe them away before they have a chance to fall. I will not show weakness, I will not cry here. Think Y/N! I look around me for anything that could be used as a weapon or any means of escape. I’m frantic and I’m spiraling out of control with fear.

“Stop,” he says quietly, his voice sounding raw.

“Not in a million years. I’m not going to become an assassin like you. I’m not going to kill innocent people for these sick freaks, like you! Do you even know how much of a monster you are?” I place my hands on my hips and glare out at him.

“Yes.” He turns his back to me and drops his head. He sounds so defeated, so broken that I want to reach out to him.

“What happened to you?” It’s the only thing I can think to ask. Does he even know? Did he choose this? No, who would choose a life like this.

“I don’t remember.”

“Does it hurt?” I already know the answer, I’m positive it does.

He turns and his blue eyes lock with mine. “Yes.”

I’m strapped down to a chair, beaten and bruised; but still in one piece. I am alert enough to know I’m surrounded by at least ten men, all watching with amusement written on their faces. This is sick, they are getting joy of out of this. In the corner I see the asset watching me intently, his eyes never leaving me. I look over at him and plead for help with my eyes. I won’t say the words, I refuse to give them the satisfaction.

I am hooked up to some kind of IV and they are pumping me full of something. I struggle at first; but it is futile and I give up quickly. It’s easier to let the drugs run through me. It’s almost like anesthesia. I know I have a fat lip and bruised ribs; but I don’t seem to care.

“Are you willing to tell us now?” A man asks as he pinches my chin hard between his thumb and index finger, making me look at him. My eyes are glassed over and I gather as much spit as I can and get him right in the eye. He backhands me. My head snaps to the side, my eyes water and my ears are ringing. I open and close my jaw trying to get the ringing under control. “Turn it on.”

Someone forces a mouth guard into my mouth and I feel an electric shock jolt through my body, over and over again. I hear someone screaming in the distance and realize it’s me. I feel like I’m having an out of body experience, watching everything from afar. Finally the pain stops. My head is buzzing and my breathing is labored.

“How about now little girl?” I whimper. I can’t get the words to form from my mouth. I’m screaming at him in my head; but my lips haven’t gotten the memo. “One more time for good measure. Turn it back on.”

“Sir,” another man starts but he cuts him off.

“Now!”

The pain is back and it’s worse, I scream as loud as I can, my body shakes and my throat and eyes are burning. This is so much worse than torture, so much worse than I imagined. I focus my vision and it lands on The Winter Soldier. He has moved forward into my line of vision and I center myself with his face. This is how he is helping me. He is trying to keep my grounded. The machine stops again and I pass out.

I’m vaguely aware of someone carrying me back to my cell and gently placing me on the hard mattress. “No, stop.” I keep repeating the words quietly to myself over and over again. I feel something cold against my forehead and I jerk away from it. I open my eyes and see the soldier sitting at the edge of my bed, his hand tracing a pattern on my face.

“Get the fuck away from me,” I tell him, scrambling for the wall behind me.

“Please.” It’s all he says. It’s a simple word; but the meaning is much deeper, I know it is.

“Why?”

“I want to.” He pats the bed next to him and I move a little closer. “Lay down.” I do as he asks and he lays down behind me. My muscles tense as I feel his warm body behind mine and his cool metal arm draped over my waist. “Sleep.” My body understands his command; but my brain is having a hard time with it. It’s going a mile a minute and I can’t shut it down.

“How long?” I whisper, hoping he understands my question.

“I don’t know.” He pulls me a little closer and sleep finally pulls me under.

I wake up screaming only a few hours later and sit straight up. The soldier is kneeling over me and holds my face in his hands, locking my eyes with his. He helps ground me and I nod my head, letting him know I’m done screaming. The adrenaline finally kicks in and I’m sick as a dog. I empty what little I have in my stomach into the toilet and stand on shaky legs. He watches me; but makes no move to help for comfort me.

“Sleep.” He says, motioning for me to come back to the bed.

“No. Answers. I want answers, not sleep.” I’m not sure he will comply; but it’s worth a shot. “How long have you been here?”

“I don’t know.”

“Are there others like you?”

“No.”

“Have they tried before?”

“Yes.”

“What’s your name?”

“I can’t remember.”

Those three little words were like a gut punch. I can’t remember. How horrible for this man. He has no memories of his life before Hydra, nothing happy to think back on and remember. No friends, or family.

“Will you keep me safe?”

“The best I can.”

That was the best I could hope for. I know if they give him a new mission that involves taking me out I’m done for. I just hope he can remember who I am long enough to get out of here; or until I get rescued. They have to be looking for me right?

The few weeks go by agonizingly slow. I spend most of my day hooked up to an IV being tortured and then thrown back into my cell with him. He holds me through my screams of pain, and he helps drive away the nightmares that plague my mind. He is no longer the monster I met, he is someone in just as much pain as I; and I think he needs this comfort just as much as I need it. We have formed a bond; and I know he won’t hurt me. This is the closest to love I think he has experienced that he can remember, and the thought makes my heart ache.

They’ve started torturing me with the sanme trigger words they use on the soldier and he has been locked in his cell the past few days because of it. They don’t want to reset him in the process of breaking me.    

“Longing.” I feel my heart rate accelerate; my body is anticipating what is coming next. The man saying the words smiles when he sees the change in my demeanor.

“Rusted.” I’m fighting the feeling of losing control over my body. I struggle in the chair and huff, the mouth guard muffling the noises.

“Furnace.” My eyes roll to the back of my head and I begin convulsing. This is the furthest they’ve gotten with me and my body seems to want to listen to them. Noises become faded and I’m hardly aware of what is going on around me. Fight this! Don’t let them win!

“Daybreak.” I pop open my eyes and look around the room. My body refuses to move, but I’m fully alert; I’m fighting the effects of the words.

“Seventeen.”

I scream and pull at the restraints. “Let me go!” The machine turns on and I am trapped in the daze of the pain. My body convulses under the pressure of the machine and the blood curdling scream that leaves my lips makes my throat hurt.

“We’re getting closer, we just need a little more time.” I hear the men talking like I’m not even in the room. I’m drenched in sweat and I just want to die.

Where is my team? Why haven’t they found me yet. I’m lifted by familiar arms and carried back to my cell. My soldier is there protecting me. I turn my face into his chest and nuzzle down into the comfort he brings.

“Soldat, stop.” He stops walking but does not turn to face the men. Please, don’t let them figure it out. I don’t want them using the soldier against me. “Drop her off and come back.” I look up at him and he nods. He resumes walking towards my cell and deposits me on the bed.

“Please don’t go to them. They are going to use you against me.” I go to touch his face and he pulls back.

“I have to.” He slams the door behind him and I curl up on my bed to wait. Are they going to send him back to break me himself, or are they going to torture him to get to me. The thought of either makes me sick. I let my exhausted body and mind fall into nothingness and sleep like the dead.

I wake up a while later and the soldier is leaning against the door, arms crossed over his chest and his foot bent at the knee, resting on the bars behind him.

“Who’s Steve Rogers?” He asks. It’s a simple question; but I can see the gears turning in his head.

“Why?”

“Who is he?” He asks, pushing from the wall and striding towards me.

Realization dawn on me. “You’re Sargent Barnes aren’t you?” He stops moving and stands still as if he is frozen. “Steve calls you Bucky. He’s told us all about you, what a good man you are.”

I growl rips from his throat and he is on me in an instant. His hand wrapped around my throat and he pins be against the cement wall. I wrap my fingers delicately over his metal wrist; but I know he won’t hurt me. I can see the war raging behind his eyes. “Who the hell is Bucky?” His face is inches from mine and his eyes are feral. “Answer me.” He commands.

‘You are. I was on a mission, working for Steve, when you captured me. I work with the Avengers, and Steve is one of us.” He relaxes his grip on my throat and I reach out to touch his face. My fingers dance along his cheek bone and he nuzzles his face into my touch. “Bucky, we need to get out of here. How do we escape.”

“We can’t.” He furrows his brows, deep in thought. I can tell he is trying to remember something and the look is gone in an instant.

“What’s your mission Bucky?”

He growls again, something snapping inside him. “I’m not Bucky. Stop calling me that.” He tightens his grip around my throat and my breathing becomes labored.

“Don’t do this Bucky.” I gasp, trying to get more oxygen. “Let me help you remember.” The world around me goes fuzzy and then black. I’m not dead, I can feel movement around me; but I’m not able to move either. I regain consciousness a small while later and I’m alone. The door to my cell has been left open.

I carefully get up and open it, the creak of the metal ringing off the silent walls. I look up and down the corridor and when I see it’s empty, I begin my ascent to leave this hell hole. I hear screaming and I freeze. It’s a blood curdling scream that I’ve become accustomed to over the past few weeks, expect it isn’t mine. I turn to look at the cell across from mine and it’s empty. Bucky!

All the hairs on my neck and arms are standing at attention and I know I can’t leave him. He doesn’t deserve this any more than I do. I run down the hall to the room of torture and I look in through the small window. Bucky is strapped down and is being wiped. The stream of electricity running through his body making him jerk in his restraints. I know he left the cell door open for me to escape, it’s his way of letting me go. They know what he did and he is paying for it.

I take a deep breath, knowing even if I run that I’m not getting out of here alive; and I push open the door. “Stop!” I yell as loud as I can. Someone powers down the machine and everyone stares at me. I don’t look at any of them; my eyes are locked on Bucky’s, my protector. “Let him go.” My request is met with a few laughs and some eye rolls; but I ignore them; taking a few steps closer to the Soldier.

Someone points a gun to my head and I continue my walk, closer to him. “Bucky? Can you hear me?” His eyes don’t leave mine; but he doesn’t answer me either. “Soldat?”

Recognition flashes and he nods his head. My protector isn’t here right now, he’s been replaced with the killer; the beast. He is released from his restraints and he stands, looming over me. This is it, he’s going to break me here in front of all these people. A small sob works its way past my lips and I bite my lip to keep from showing my fear.

“I love you Bucky. I’m so sorry.” I wrap my arms around his waist and press my face into his chest. I keep repeating the words over and over; trying to pull him from his trance.

Something happens then that surprises me and the men around us; he wraps his arms around me and bends down to whisper in my ear. “I’m getting us out of here.”

I look up into his eyes and I see the fire behind them. He’s enraged and he’s on a mission; his own mission. One by one the men in the room are slaughtered. He grabs a scalpel from the table and slices someone’s jugular, blood spurting out everywhere. He grabs my hand and we make our way out of the room, towards the stair to freedom.

Men drop as we swiftly pass them, making our way further into the compound. We get to the last landing before the main floor and I can see daylight streaming in through the windows. I haven’t seen light in a few weeks and it’s a welcome sight. We pick up our speed, taking the steps two at a time, his hand never leaving mine. I hear a loud crack and Bucky goes down, pulling me with him. No! I look behind me and see someone in full tactical gear racing towards us. I look down at Bucky and he’s been shot in the leg. Make him immobile; but don’t kill him. That’s what they are doing.

“Bucky, please I need you to get up. You can’t stay here.”

A loud shattering noise comes from above us and a few people drop down. I recognize Steve and I want to cry I’m so happy. He is going to get us out of here. The other men with Steve take care of the on coming Hydra agents and Steve points his gun down at Bucky. I jump up in front of the barrel, shielding Bucky from him.

“No Steve, he’s not a threat to me. It’s Bucky.” I place my hand on the barrel on the gun and lower it.

“Bucky?” He asks looking over my shoulder at him. I kneel down and help him stand. He leans his weight on me and I wince in slight pain. “Let me take him.” Steve offers his arm but Bucky holds me tighter.

“It’s fine, I’ve got him.” The last thing I want is for Bucky to go back into Soldier mode to keep me safe. “Bucky,” I turn my attention to him, “Steve’s not going to hurt you or me. He’s one of us, one of the good guys. He’s going to get us out of here; we’re safe.”

He nods in understanding and we slowly walk out the front doors to the waiting quinjet. I help strap him in and he takes my hand in his, rubbing his thumb on the back on my hand. I close my eyes, knowing I’m safe; that we’re safe.

[titsthedamnseason]

somehow the ask got deleted but @notforforever said “An AU where its Julian or Emma or one of the blackthorn kids birthdays. Like- how do they celebrate? Does Julian bake a cake? Ive been wondering and thought it was interesting. Would be awesome if you could write this in your own time. Thankyou for reading ❤”

so i’m sorry because kit is not a blackthorn but this is what i have please accept it

okay so it’s kit’s first birthday at the institute

the whole war thing has kind of just finished so he isn’t really looking for anyone to make a big deal out of his birthday

he only mentions that it’s his birthday to ty in passing. in confidence. in such a way that suggested he did not want to celebrate

ty has other plans

because, you see, birthdays at the la institute are no small thing. not something mentioned in passing, in confidence, to be glazed over

no

so, of course, ty tells everyone else because

“today is kit’s birthday! how did we not know that today is kit’s birthday?! we are unprepared for today to be kit’s birthday!!!!!!!!”

well, actually, as the rest of the inhabitants are quick to correct ty, they are always prepared for a birthday

they consider trying to have someone take kit out or distract him but in the end they all wanted to help with the party and kit doesn’t leave his room unless it’s provoked so they figured it’ll be fine

julian bakes the cake and while he’s working on it the only one aloud in the kitchen is cristina who makes lots of snack runs for everyone

emma and dru are in charge of the decorations but everyone helps out

they take the job very seriously because “it’s the most important job shut up mark”

they send mark out to get the balloons

a bad idea if there ever was one

at some point there was a monkey involved in the planning but they scratched that idea

tavvy mostly just hangs out but he helps a little

ty spends the whole time just freaking out because he does not have a present

nobody has a present

in the end julian takes ty out with helen and aline who had just gotten back from a meeting of some sort

they all buy a bunch of presents and say the presents are from everyone

they forget a card

after a while they’re scared that they’re being too loud and kit has been in his room for a long time so they send dru up to hang out with him

she finds a confused kit who is not really sad that his dad isn’t there for his birthday because his dad never did much but he feels guilty for not feeling sad

dru tells him it’s okay and that it makes sense and they have a moment™

wrapping the presents was a nightmare and by the end of it only one present that julian wrapped looks good

the rest of his would have too but “emma sabotaged them i swear”

“i’m sitting all the way over here julian”

but she’s smiling

when everything is done they send ty to get dru and kit under the guise of dinner

sweet oblivious kit is quite shocked

he had no idea

“how did you even know”

then he realizes

ty

kit is just staring at everything in shock and awe especially ty

“can we eat the pizza now we’ve all been staring at each other for an awkward amount of time”

“dru!!”

they do eat the pizza, though

when they sing happy birthday it’s,,,a sound to be heard

kit is laughing at their voices the entire time but he stops when emma threatens to end the party

he got some interesting presents

“is this.....a woman’s tshirt?”

“well, yeah, but if you don’t like it i’ll keep it” “aline”

“no um thank you, it’s lovely ??????”

kit doesn’t want to be rude

sweet oblivious kit

there was a questionable amount of early 2000s music played

and the icarly theme song

when it’s over they fight about who should clean up

“it’s kit’s party therefore he should clean up” “hey!!!! that’s not how birthdays work” he immediately leaves the room to dodge that bullet

ty and dru leave with him

helen and aline claim they “missed all their work for the day” and cut out

precious cristina is already cleaning she was the whole time

julian, emma, and mark have to help

they thought tavvy was up in his room but no he was sleeping under the present table

���why would he do that”

“don’t question the six year old, mark”

they all decide the rest of it can be cleaned in the morning by “the scoundrels who left us here”

dru fell asleep on the couch while ty was explaining to kit how to use his “my first mircoscope”

eventually ty fell asleep too

on kit’s shoulder

and if you asked kit if he was smiling, well, he wouldn’t want to lie

[sporecollection]

a small little ranty post

if you guys dont want to read this you dont have to, i just had some stuff i needed to get off my chest

one year ago today i was dumped by an ex boyfriend. i was in a toxic relationship with him, and neither of us were good for one another. im not going to be dropping his @ but im not afraid to talk about him with his name.

his name was jeremy. he and i met probably over five years ago, in a google plus roleplay server. we hit it off, and i even made a skype so we could talk outside of google plus. we got along really well, and id like to say he was one of my best friends. i guess that why i had the courage to ask him out nearly two years ago on july 9th. he said yes, and i was ecstatic.

now, at the time, i was questioning my gender identity, and was not in a good place mentally. since then ive gotten better, but then really wasn't a good time for me. because of this, i will admit i was not as good of a boyfriend as i hoped i would be. id send long venty messages about wanting to die, and and then freak out if i didnt delete them and he saw. i didnt entirely want him to have to deal with me while i was in a bad place.

sometimes id have to give in and vent to him, and i always felt worse after doing so because i didnt want him to feel bad because of me. but still, we managed on. that is, until sunny was welcomed into the relationship.

jeremy loved sunny. my only problem was that, though, jeremy loved sunny more than he loved me. i started to become what i call the backup boyfriend. hed only come to me when loney or something of the sort and it honestly hurt so bad. it hurt so bad i began to vent about how i was afraid jeremy was going to leave me for sunny.

and then he did. after a long 4/20 of train rides and being ignored, i sent him a message about how i was upset about how often i got ignored, set aside for sunny. and the next morning he broke up with me.

i know it doesn't sound that bad, but after the breakup is when things got worse. a friend of mine had this lgbt discord he was in and i learned from her that he was talking badly about me there a few months after our breakup. she told me about how they kicked her out, and how they (specifically jeremy and sunny) would talk about how i should die.

this was horrible. as someone who, admittedly, was still in love with him, its devastating to hear that person was saying that you should die, and his friends were adding to the conversation.

to all my friends in online relationships like how i was, please be careful. to anyone who knows jeremy, please be careful. you dont know how fast someone will turn on you until they reach their turning point

[gavis-bettel]

i just saw a post about symptoms of childhood depression and idk if ive ever talked about this here but 

every time i try to think about how my depression developed when i was a child i am BLOWN AWAY by the fact that i was Very Severely suicidal as young as 7 or 8 years old 

like i have very distinct memories partly because it happened during my first road trip with my family. i distinctly remember just desperately wanting to jump out of our hotel room window and we were a good few stories up so i didnt have any doubt it would kill me and i didnt even think of why i would want to do it or that it was such a serious thing to want to kill myself bc idk if i even knew what suicide was at that age 

and around age ten i was on another trip with my mom and brother and it was a ton of fun! we went to a family reunion which i always enjoyed and it was in a totally different climate zone which was super cool to experience for the first time and my mom got me pokemon diamond so i would have something to do and i loved that game so so much 

but on a cable car ride the park ranger or tour guide or whatever her position was mentioned that it would take seven seconds to fall from the height of our cable car onto the face of the mountain and all i could think of was how much i wanted to pry the doors open and jump and count those seven seconds and how disappointing it was that the car was full of people and someone would stop me if i tried 

and then we went on a hike and i kept looking for any slope that would be sheer and tall enough to kill me if i fell but luckily we were on the safest most beginner/child friendly trail 

and earlier that year i was going through a really stressful time in school and i frequently imagined ways that i could fall on our sharpest kitchen knife so it would kill me as quickly and painlessly as possible, or how to drown myself by looping a belt through the grate of the drain at the bottom of our swimming pool, or how to poison myself but i didnt think too hard about that one because i had a tendency to throw up a lot as a kid and i wanted the most surefire way 

and at age twelve my best friend was also depressed and suicidal and she told me about how she wanted to poison herself or kill herself in other ways i cant remember bc its been a decade, but i decided that if she wanted to die too then i should try and i think it was before the pass out challenge but i remember hearing a news story about a child strangling himself to death playing a game or something so i actually tried to strangle myself and i could have fucking done it but i stopped bc i got a little freaked out by my neck going numb and seeing spots of light so i put the belt i was using away and just went to bed lol 

and in the morning i messaged my friend about it and she was actually kind of freaked out i think. i remember seeing the little red spots from blood vessels bursting in my eyes and i was lucky i didnt bruise bc while i never really realized just how fucked up and abnormal being suicidal was (at any age, let alone 7-12), i also never told anyone about it except my friend 

and interestingly enough around that time one of my teachers mentioned to my mom that i seemed depressed and recommended that i see a professional about it but my mom asked me if i was depressed and wanted to talk to someone and of course i said no because i was a shy kid and also never really knew there was actually something very seriously wrong with me... she chalked it up to my grandma (who i kind of hated and didnt miss at all, lol) dying a few months earlier and we all just kind of forgot about that 

and funny enough, after my suicide attempt i didnt contemplate suicide again for several years - i might have been sixteen or seventeen the next time i even thought about dying like that. of course, starting in the tenth grade (age uhh... 15-16?) i had my first Springtime Major Depressive Episode, which made me lose any and all interest in school starting some time after spring break and before finals, and this happened ever year up until 2016, when i had my worst one yet and failed all my classes bc i didnt go to half of them, didnt do half my homework, and stopped studying altogether while also becoming completely obsessed with dead animals and constantly dissociating so badly i was almost convinced i had DID (and i still have posts on this blog talking about having alters and all that shit bc digging them all up to delete them is too much work and i might want to read back through all that mess if i ever have to go through such a severe episode again (knock on wood) ). and like, it was so bad i actually told my mom i was having a rough time for the first time ever, and she gave me her prozacs bc she didnt actually take them anymore (they didnt work on me, unfortunately). the summer following all that was marked by fits of anxiety and rage bc i had family visiting for a few weeks and it was too stressful for my poor half-melted brain but i managed to get through all that and the depressive episode ended and i actually got my act together after that and haven’t failed a class since and ive only skipped like 1-2 times per semester since then and i was sooo proud of how well i did and 2017 i didnt have my big springtime mde 

but now i feel like im slipping again and i dont know if i can handle disappointing myself like that again. i was actually considering dropping out for a while because im not going to graduate in a clean four years, some people i graduated high school with have already gotten their degrees and started their careers, and im also just fucking tired of being in school. but my advisor told me im on track to graduate next fall and that made me feel so much better 

but then i realized i cant focus during class. i dont remember huge chunks of lectures and sometimes its a struggle to turn in homework on time, let alone actually study. theres a good chance i could fail one of my classes, and a slight chance i could fail another. and i promised myself that i would get help if things got bad again, theres a psych clinic right on campus thats covered by tuition, but it feels like im doing all i can to make it to class and then im exhausted and just want to go home... im honestly feeling kind of lost here. like i know exactly what i can do to help myself and maybe salvage some fucking brainpower before finals start, but i just have no motivation and mentally its like im barely even here 

or like, my brain’s being smothered and i cant pay attention or do anything because theres so much fluff blocking everything out... 

well, at least now i have a little account of my mental health history in case i ever do manage to see someone lol

[micvhisms]

▼✿

                                           send me a symbol for…

✿  five times my muse almost texted yours, and the one time they did.

i. please don’t tell my brother. honestly, as much as micah liked cristian’s sisters, this wasn’t his place. their drama had nothing to do with him. he already didn’t know why she’d called him in the first place. yeah, they kept in contact after he left for college, but it wasn’t like they were best friends. it wasn’t even a best friend’s hot little sister kind of thing, because a) micah had known her far too long to even be remotely interested, b) he’d had to drive to the market at three am to get tampons with her before, and there really was no coming back from that, and c) cristian would probably actually hit him if micah showed that much interest. ( with good reason. he was already protective, and she deserved someone who could be emotionally available and could treat her right. micah couldn’t even say the word emotion without getting weird. ) 

it just further showed that he had no right getting in the middle of this. he drafted a text to his best friend. call claudia, she’s having a bad day. it would be out of his hands, and into those of someone much more equipped to handle this. but she’d asked him not to; she’d begged him to keep this between the two of them. lina freaked out, and you know he would, too, micah, please. and… she had a point. ugh. he deleted the text to cristian and called her back.   ❛  i’m not going to say anything. no, you’re going to tell him. and if he drives out there to kick what’s-his-name’s ass, it’s ‘cause he deserved it.   ❜    

ii. micah liked to think he had the immune system of a god. an unimportant one, maybe, but a god, nonetheless. he didn’t, of course. despite having only gotten sick twice as far as he could remember, one of those times, he caught pneumonia. so if his body had been fucked up before, it certainly was now. he blamed the pneumonia for this, too. he’d been fighting this off for a week, but it’d finally snuck up on him: the fucking flu. he’d quarantined himself to his room until it passed, not wanting to get naomi, the kids, or anyone else sick. the problem with that was that now he was hungry and too tired to move. he knew he had to take advantage of the hunger while it was there, because it was only a matter of time before he didn’t feel it at all, and he needed to eat. he grabbed his phone, squinting at the screen as he started to text whoever he’d last spoken to and ask them to bring something. mid way, he stopped, locking the phone and tossing it onto the bed. maybe it was the pride, but he suddenly wasn’t hungry anymore.

iii. leaning against the front desk, micah listened to the girl ramble on. admittedly, it was a lot funnier than it was annoying. why she felt the need to lie, he didn’t know. micah wasn’t stupid. she’d come here looking for cristian, probably because he hadn’t called her back or something. she really could’ve said that, and saved them both three minutes. but once she’d started talking, she wouldn’t stop. it was, probably, the most detailed and unbelievable lie micah had ever heard. and he wouldn’t have a problem with it, if it weren’t for the fact that they were at hq, and how did she even find this place? when she finally took a breath, he held up a hand to stop her from saying anything else. he grabbed his phone, typing out a text to cristian, before holding the phone out to her.  ❛  if i send this, will you please find someone else to stalk? i really don’t think cris is going to be as nice as i am about it.   ❜    she read the message, and her face heated up. two seconds later, she was out of sight. smug, micah deleted the text, tucking the phone back in his pocket and grinning at gina before he made his way back upstairs.

iv. where the fuck are you?? his phone was heavy in his hand, the text unsent. he didn’t want to panic, didn’t want to assume the worst. okay. okay. just because cristian wasn’t here didn’t mean he was hurt or anything. he was fine. he was fine. honestly, what were the chances of TWO BODIES showing up tonight? no. no. but micah couldn’t get the thought out of his mind. fuck, fuck, they weren’t doing this again. his finger hovered over the send button, and he looked up just as cristian made an appearance. locking his phone, he put it away, and pretended like he wasn’t an asshole for being slightly relieved it was just gina, and not both of them.

v. he should tell someone. he should tell someone. he needed to. and it made the most sense to tell cristian, right? micah told him everything. almost everything, anyway. it was why they were still friends. they were honest, even when it hurt. it’d be easier to explain this to cristian than anyone else, anyway. god, he wouldn’t even know where to start with anyone else. he could tell him. he had to tell him. because if things changed, cristian would know, and he’d wonder why, right? he’d been beating around the bush for so long, maybe it was time to━━

jesus christ, i’m sick and tired of this, micahwe’re not kids anymore. get your sulking head out of your ass and be real with me for a second

the texts came in rapid succession, sapping the warmth from micah’s body. it was fine. it was fine. ….dammit. he left cristian on read, and put his phone back in his pocket. their friendship was something he could work on repairing later. right now, he just… couldn’t.

+ i. it was late, and almost time for micah to retreat back to his roommate for the next few hours. let today fade into a distant memory, and prepare for tomorrow’s troubles. he ran a hand through his hair, putting the last of the dishes in the sink. his phone vibrated on the counter, another text coming through that he wasn’t prepared to answer. he watched as more texts poured in, his confusion mounting as he read them. make what go away? he grabbed the phone, and hesitated. he hadn’t spoken much to cristian lately, and it was for good reason. but cristian honestly seemed scared of whatever he was talking about. micah couldn’t leave him like that. against his better judgement, he texted back.

i have no idea what’s going on.but i’ll help you figure it out.shit, just give me a second. i’ll call you.

▼  five times my muse has caught yours getting off, and the one time they help out.

i.     ❛  cristian? dude, what are you doing, your mother has been━━ jesus christ.   ❜    he looked away, quickly shutting the door to cristian’s room. he rubbed his temples, immediately needing a nap. he loved cristian, and wasn’t blind to his attractiveness. even so, seeing him like that wasn’t something micah had been prepared for when he came over this morning.       ❛  your mother is calling you, man. and if she catches you with your hand down your pants, i’m not helping you.   ❜    and from now on, micah would knock.

ii. this was, possibly, the worst christmas present micah had ever gotten.     ❛  is this a sex tape?   ❜    he shrieked into the phone, over the sound of cristian’s laughs.     ❛  i asked for a MIXTAPE, you ass! you’re not my type. don’t laugh, i’m serious! and i have three classes with her! how do you expect to face her after this? …cristian? cristian, you dick, i know you can still hear me !!  ❜  

iii. micah hoped they weren’t making a habit of this. he was no longer shocked at the sight of cristian and all of his pride, but he wasn’t quite sure how he felt about it. right now, he was just tired. cristian seemed to be having fun, anyway. shocking.    ❛  when you’re done, we still have a meeting to suffer through. and you don’t get to sit in here and treat yourself while i listen to eli and isaiah debate whether or not their random field trip of the week was haunted or not. so unless you’re thinking of fucking ghosts, which i’m assuming you’re not, hurry up.  ❜  

iv. this time, he knocked before entering. of course, it didn’t do shit. he was starting to think cristian was doing it on purpose, but he also wouldn’t bet on it.   ❛  you’re insatiable, you know that? i don’t know why i keep coming over here.  ❜   whatever he’d come over here for, it wouldn’t get resolved today. he didn’t know how long cristian would be at it, and he wasn’t planning on waiting around to find out.

v. the girl scampered past micah with an embarrassed squeal, but he didn’t give her a second glance. he leveled a glare at cristian.   ❛  if your one night stands start showing up here, i’m not going to scare them away. and you’re going to be the one explaining to everyone why so many people suddenly know where we work.  ❜  

+ i. someone was pressed up against him. a few someones, he thought. it’d be better, a lot hotter, if he wanted them there. expect he didn’t. both of them smelled like they’d taken a bath in whiskey, and he didn’t exactly want to go home smelling like that. he ignored them both, swallowing down his irritation as he looked for an exit. god, he hated frat parties. he broke away after a moment, no longer in the mood to be nice. a hand wrapped around his wrist, and she said something… something drowned out by the music and the blood rushing in his ears. he ended up dragging her along, not caring about where he was going. he just needed to… shit, he needed to get out.

the first door he opened turned out to be a bathroom. he was honestly more surprised to find cristian here at all, than he was to find cristian in such a compromising position. the girl who’d followed him let out a rather pathetic noise, and micah suddenly missed kimberly. she was far less annoying. his eyes met cristian’s, and it took him a second to tear them away.    ❛  i━━ you know what?  ❜   he nudged the girl ahead of him, towards cristian. she didn’t look all that upset by it. later, he might’ve felt like a dick for it, because that wasn’t the nicest thing to do. but, at the moment, he was just glad she’d found someone else to latch onto.    ❛  you deal with her. i… whatever, i’m going home.  ❜   and if cristian or the girl had anything to say, the only response they got was the sound of the bathroom door slamming on micah’s way out.

[heavyyhearts-blog]

actually heres my side

“ first, before getting to real stuff, aya has done this to other people in the past too. when she talked about them to me she said they abused her or abandoned her suddenly. i’ve only talked to one of these people, but they confirmed that aya actually abused, and then stalked them when they cut her off. i don’t have permission to post these logs so out of respect i won’t put them here. “

ive never been very clear in talking about my past experiences with most people. you make this sound as if every person that's ever "abandoned me" were all "abused" by me, when that's not the case. have i acted in shitty ways to some people? yes, but it never had anything to do with me being abandoned, at any point. one of these people, actually straight up disappeared from my life, and i have no idea why. they disappeared off skype and i havent seen them since. we had no problems between eachother whatsoever. a different example i can think of for someone i was talking about? they left because i was too stressful to be around. as in, i always complained too much and that kind of thing and it was too much to be around. i didnt even know them very long.  another example of a person i mentioned with that: they had really bad schizophrenia and like, trauma issues, and what happened there? they'd randomly like? actually start basically splitting on me and getting extremely angry at me out of nowhere for no reason, which i tried to be really tolerable of, until things basically got too much for either of us to handle and after a bit of dumb drama, we separated with , i believe, no hard feelings.

my point being? when i say "ive been abandoned by a lot of people" or whatever, im not literally claiming that i was abused by literally everyone and im some huge victim, lol. that last example? you could probably say i was abused due to the level of pent up anger they were throwing at me, , unprovoked

“ i’ve only talked to one of these people, but they confirmed that aya actually abused, and then stalked them when they cut her off “

first of all, this happened literal years ago. second of all, this person is still full of shit and i can't believe they still insist all of these bullshit lies. "aya stalked me" i hadnt visited your blog for months, i'd literally forgotten about you, yet you somehow still had it set in your head that i was "stalking" you. i wanted to remake my blog for a multitude of reasons, and one of them being, a more back of my mind thing, was, i didnt want you viewing my blog. so i remade. and, like, 2-3 days later, i got paranoid that you had somehow found my new blog, entirely new, so i asked my friend to go see if my new url was on there, because i didnt want to go back on your blog myself. and sure enough, there it was, my new url, even though i hadn't given it out to anyone or posted it anywhere, meaning you literally searched through notes of a post or something along those lines to find it. yeah ive explained this so many times now its fun :) not to mention your shitty friend(s) that would constantly twist my words around and lie saying i was doingthings that i didnt. and your only "proof" was logs of talking shit about me behind my back to one of my friends, you had no screenshots of me doing anything, because guess what, i never did it. wow. "i dont have screenshots because i deleted them all" okay bud. anyway

and now here's my main issue with everything: you are "calling me out" for things we have already personally talked about, that we either resolved, or i apologized for/said that i would try to stop doing so i can better myself which i have actually done? so i literally do not understand why youre calling me out for shit as if im some malicious person trying to hurt people that's just completely incapable of getting better or whatever. lets start

“i’ve tried to cut her off several times, both by trying to talk and express my want to stop talking to her first and by just blocking/ignoring her on everything. i made it clear i wanted to stop talking the first couple of times. she will spam and beg me and make new accounts if she has to. once ive added her back however she’s used that against me”

okay youre calling me out for this but you admitted what you did was fucked up too? and i dont know what else to even say to this other than im going to try to stop getting so attached to people like that so i maybe dont have such bad mental breakdowns every time i thnk someone close to me is leaving like sorry i cant. help feeling that way or control this thing specifically unless i just dont get attached like that at all, which is my fault.

[x] [x] [x]

here, you post a completely out of context rant from me, where i got mad at something you did that you literally admitted was fucked up. full context!

[x] [x] [x] [x] [x]

you even told me you had no idea what you were talking about with any of it.

“ one of the times that we weren’t talking she DMd my twitter mutuals asking them to screenshot my recent tweets. “

i told you my reason for it. i was extremely paranoid that you were talking shit about me behind my back and i wanted to know if you were or not, even though i did it in a really shitty way. i instantly felt so beyond terrible that i had done that. i was sobbing the entire time i was trying to apologize for how fucked up and wrong it was of me to do that, and even apologized for it again later after it had happened already. because i wanted to make sure you knew how sorry i was for it. i cant take something like that back.

[x] [x]

“recently, after getting so upset with me for doing the same thing in the past, she randomly blocked me on everything and refused to talk to me. i would understand if she hadn’t previously gotten so mad and upset at me for the exact same thing. “

?? i split really bad just like i already have been, due to , as i've already exlpained, the nonstop bad things we've had between us for months, to the point i havent been able to talk to you like normal anymore, because just seeing you pisses me off and everything you say/do will just piss me off. i cant help that. its not my fault. i cant just not split like that because we've had fucked up problems for months, that, guess what, shouldnt even be public here for all reasons ive already stated! but i also did it just because ive been deciding i need to get away from you for good, that i dont WANT to talk to you at all anymore. sucks to be treated the way you treat others right.

“ i posted on my twitter saying i wanted to drink and she instantly messaged me begging and spamming me not to “

and everything else like stalling, pressuring you etc. this is still. we talked about this. i said sorry. i got better about it. why do i have a callout.

[x] [x]

like this is literally all just trying to make me look bad in ways that i'm not. nice try, though!

“ when i cc’d bakugou and she tried to make me explain my trauma to make it Valid “

you're trying to make me look bad again. i was just asking because i was anxious wanted to know the reasoning for it and im sorry for pressing it at all but that doesnt mean i was trying to make you explain it so it could be "valid" shut the fuck up lol i even explained to you afterwards why it made me so uncomfortable and that it didnt bother me anymore, that i thought you were just blindly cc'ing him for no real reason like i just assumed it wasnt a coping thing or anything and thats my fault but??? youre trying to make me look bad for it so??? i'd even keep sending you fanart of him like.

[x]

“ she was extremely dependent on me and would spam me if i fell asleep before she woke up, she’d got upset and started splitting on me because i didn’t return her feelings of attraction. “

wat...

“ second, she’s blaming everything on her BPD and “not being able to help it,” or “can’t control herself” “

well, as you can clearly see, ive been anything but that??? but if you wanna keep telling yourself that, go ahead. have i said things LIKE that before? yes, when i was freaking out, over certain things i actually can't help, for example: abandonment trauma??? and like i said before: i need to try to not get so attached to people in the first place so that doesnt happen anymore! otherwise, should some sort of situation like that happen again, i can't handle getting that level of upset. so i prevent that by not getting that level of attached at all. like sorry but theres certain things nobody can help, even you. you're just trying to make it sound like this entire thing has been nothing but "i cant help it"

and lastly, we can't forget the fact that, for a long time, you wouldn't tell me anything. literally anything. i would repeatedly ask you. "what do i do that bothers you what am i doing wrong" etc and all you'd ever say was "idk" 95% of the time. i had absolutely no idea that for the longest time, i had been saying a lot of manipulative, shitty things and acting bad and etc, slash i had no idea that some of my episodes were actually affecting you that badly until way too late.

when you first told me that i had been acting so shitty, through a jpeg meme that was making fun of me, did i realize how awful i was being. i honest to god never had any idea and i explained this to you countless times. that i was  oblivious/i can be oblivious to shitl ike that and that i need you to tell me, otherwise I WONT KNOW.

nice meme. :) but yeah clearly this is still an accurate representation of me, right?

[x] [x]

yeah, you got me though. im a toxic, abusive piece of shit that will never get better, all i do is hurt others, i can't change, ive never apologized, ive never gotten better. totally

and since we're playing this game,

and now that i've said all this, i have nothing else to say. i can't make anyone believe me, but if you do, thanks.

[imarkson]

nah gurl, I'm listening, tell us about your crush!!

ffhdfjhas okay I’m gonna try and make it lik e not too long but I’m sOOOOoooooooooooooo draggy so I apologize in advance but like!! okay idk if u’ve read the other crush story but his code name is n1 so this is another (lmao issa hoe!) and he is called n2 nyways,, kk so school started 2 weeks ago (its currently the third week of school) and we have Thursday classes tgt so like we’ve had class tgt twice lulz but hes so cuteeee.. we’re currently teammates and on the first day I kept teasing him about his height LOL bc he’s like 1cm taller than me so he isn't all that tall. after our group ended up staying back to do homework together in the classroom and like during break he bought Milo nuggets so whilst doing our work I asked him if he was going to eat his snack and he was like “u can just take the whole thing” n bih I was shook bc idk I wouldn't give someone I just met my entire packet of milo nuggets um I'm a selfish bitch.. anyways ya so bla bla n we talked a lot and then the next week he bought milk tea during break and offered some to me and I was like oh okay thanks and then when we were back in class he was like “just take the whole cup” and when I was like omg no he told me that I shouldn't refuse things that are given to me lmaoooo okay so I took it (n ended up getting freaking sick bc he was recovering from a flu.. I like deadass had a nose that was running like tap water and the worst headache the next day sigh... oh oh and Guardians Of The Galaxy Vol 2 just came out last Thursday and I really wanted to watch it bc I love chris pratt lol and I already asked all of my friends but they were all too busy over the weekends to watch with me so as a last resort I asked my groupmates if they could go and like they said they were busy but n2 said he could go on sunday so I was like omg okay but like eventually we got another guy to come with us for the movie on sunday and it was so fun omgggg the movie is so good wtf.... and um should I make a separate part for sunday its gotten so long.... k wtv but like we bought tickets for a 2.30pm movie and we were there at 1pm so we decided to just window shop so we went into h&m and all that. n theyre both boys right but they were super nice about following me into the shops I wanted to go to lmao it was cute.. so then I went into Lovisa (its a jewellery shop) and the other guy with us didn't want to enter it lololol bc he felt too awkward so he deadass stayed outside the entire time but n2 followed me in and while iwas going “omg so pretty omg so pretty” he was next to me agreeing n pointing out some stuff too dksjdjhfk it was so cute wtf... oh n when Justin Bieber started playing he was like “eh ur favourite singer!! wait is he ur favourite singer?” bc he remembered me saying I love Justin..... and then we went to VS bc I needed to get new perfume n I asked him to smell my fave scent and he was like “oh yeah!! I like this smell!!! the one the promoter sprayed made me dizzy but this one is nice” nd I was like ohh dab bitch!! oh fuck this is legit so long I'm so sorry please delete me I promise I wont talk about it anymore okay.. when we were lining up for popcorn Demi started playing like just the introduction of Confident came on and I started freaking out (bc if yall didn't know,, the one celebrity I love more than got7 is demi Lovato my actual queen) and he was like “oh confident?” I was so impressed he could name the song so quick omg... and during the trailers idk how but we started talking about FB and that somehow led to the fact that we both watched Boys Over Flowers (which is my all time fave drama yall know this) but I didn't think he would rmb much about it but um I was wrong... he named the main characters n we started discussing the scenes n he was so cute going “u know what made me angry!!!! when gu junpyo’s best friend kissed the girl!!! what the hell its ur best friends girl!!!” and just as I was about to bring up my fave scene, he brought it up first dfhjshdj the part where junpyo remembers jandi and went into the pool to save her omgggg I was like fucking smitten that he knew so much about bof... n then during the movie I was the only one who bought popcorn so he had to lean near me to take my popcorn n I was like !!! lol... AND THEN AT THE END OF THE DAY RIGHT,, I texted thank u to both of them for accompanying me and u know what the other guy texted me..... I'm gonna quote word for word “should have have just let u n n2 watch the movie! u guys look so cute tgt! (legit) I don't wanna be thirdwheel with u guys again” jfhdsfdkhsja fuckkk why did he say that idk bc now my hopes are high but I'm pretty sure ive established myself as a brochacho to n2 😭😭😭😭 and that is finally the end if u read the entire wow ily hahahahhahaah thanks for listening to me ramble.... u a true friend.. ( I just checked word count its almost at 1k words omg.. rlly to those that read,, true mvps)