#ive only attempted to talk to the one i understand. never responded. that bitch

[loreofthegayuma]

I just remembered to say over here that when i say im delusional thats actually half true bcs i literally have auditory hallucinations

[evandorepart2]

longgggg fucking vent post under the cut. idk if it even counts as vent i am simply relaying information about the situation and i am unsure how i should feel right now

oh my fucking GOD my brother is such an asshole like. ok so whats happened over the past couple days is that

i hit a depressive period. it is Obvious -> since im depressed i dont have energy to eat or cook much and ive been struggling with making sure to eat Before this -> we have recently got groceries and there are muffins. before this i was literally eating a slice of bread so i would at the very least not pass out or vomit so obviously when we have that im going to switch to Depending on that -> this is something i do a lot, unconciously, to eat. i have a single 'meal' and stick with it until its run out. whether or not it has lots of steps.

what happened after this is

my brother gets pissed cause i ate all the muffins and he calls me a bitch and some other stuff idr cause i deleted the messages -> i am hanging by a thread and being confronted abt an insecurity on multiple levels makes me very upset -> i attempt to deflect these feelings by joking about it so that i can convince myself that im not upset -> he responds negatively and calls me annoying + brings up the fact that hes the only one whos been cleaning downstiars and subtly implying that im lazy and never do any work. a fact he Has said to my face despite this being proven Not True many times. and none of the Mess hes been cleaning up is mine since i have not been using the kitchen / using dishes / had items isolated to a single small table -> i get more upset and decide to be honest and write a short, frank note [bc this is all over text bc he never talks to me face to face] saying that i am depressed. its difficult to eat and i wasnt even Thinking of him [as he is someone who regularly gets on everyone else for eating junk sweet food so i dont think he wnats that stuff] and i apologize for being a dick and thank him for cleaning up.

after this he does not respond which means that there is nothing else he wants to say on the matter. that was a few days ago and i do not talk / go near him. ive phsyically seen him Three times since this exchange. and they lasted a few seconds since i quickly Left The Area.

today was the first time hes messaged me since then to tell me to do the dishes. i Was going to - was debating not to but then it got into my head as a Task I Need To Finish before i could continue what i was doing - but when i went downstairs he was on the couch and this scared me so i went back upstairs and was promising to do it tomorrow.

Until i had another breakdown and completely reorganized all my projects so i wouldnt have an unproductive spiral. and then i just finished so i thought Now i will do the dishes so i can get back into doing my Other Tasks. that is if they werent done - the thing with the dishes is that he said he was going to cook. which is how it usually goes. so its not like he just told me to clean LOL

but during this time i had headphones on which are sound proof and as i was going outside i took them off and realized the tv was on which means hes downstairs. and also i could smell meat cooking, meaning he was making dinner. its at this point i was like. whoops i didnt do the dishes that sucks but also. i Have told him i was in the middle of a depressive period. i havent been eating and i havent been leaving my room at all. even my father picked up on this. its easy to assume that he understands that hey! maybe youll tell me to do something and i just dont do it. for gods sake i didnt even answer the text bc i didnt want to say id do it and then not do it.

so i went to shower instead and felt really sick standing up since obviously i havent eaten and it feels like my stomach is caving in and i can smell food cooking which just makes it significantly worse.

which is whatever. i leave. i think about whether or not my pride will let me go downstairs when he tells me hes made dinner. NOTE: my father is gone today - hes partying with his work friends as a going away thing. so it is just us.

except! he hasnt texted me at all! in fact! its been half an hour since i know he cooked and nothing has been said to me. which leaves the options. he made something else and i can just fend for myself. he made the original meal [which was burgers and takes a while to do cause he does it from scratch] and was pissed that i didnt do the dishes so he didnt make me any. or hes still cooking and has yet to text me [doubtful]

which. i dont know which is worse! and i am unsure if i am allowed to be upset by this!

because on one hand yea. i was supposed to do the dishes and i couldnt even bring myself to do that.

but on the other hand. man im fucking depressed. it took two days of convincing to get me to brush my teeth again. i am getting physically ill from lack of food and ive been having casual thoughts of suicide again. and its not like he doesnt know. like ive told him. ive left out my diagnosis papers so he could see them - which he told me hes read ! im not 'suffering in silence' or whatever. im just FUCK i dont know. i hate this stupid family.

its like everyone looks at me and goes. yea you have problems. but the second i start i dont fucking know having problems everyone gets soooo mad at me and tells me how awful and lazy and how im literally never going to ammount to anything or do anything < real words that my brother had said ! he went off very long on how pathetic i am to my father and only 'apologized' like a day later when he was high which was barely even an apology he just said sorry and then hung up.

its like every time i try to get better and then everyone around me just. fucking i dont even know man. my mom hates me. my brother hates me. my father hates everything i like and everything i stand for and completely refuses to ever listen to me actually talk. im awful person to everyone around me and all my friends and im not getting out of this hell hole. nothing is going to change when i get to iowa. im just gonna be the same shitty person in an even shittier country with people and family that i hate

[surviving---not---living]

What the fuck do I do?...

**tw emotional/physical abuse mentions**

posted this on reddit with different ages and such so he wont find it but he doesnt use tumblr so I wanted to post here to see if yall had some suggestions as well any help would be greatly appreciated or to just know someone read would also be enough... with that said I'll paste the post.

to start I'm 23f and the fiance is 38m

I have an idea of what i should do i just sincerely dont want to i dont want to leave him homeless and without money or a job...

but the last few months have me scared and confused...

(during arguments he let's me write down what's happening when I hear something that stands out to me in Hope's itll help me fix my behaviour i got from my parents so ive been able to write down exact wording on some things said) theres just so much going on...

to preface this hes never been physically abusive to me and thankfully it's not there yet. in his defense though i was raised very incorrectly due to shit parents and I have a lot of mental issues that cause self sabotage, delusional thinking- meaning If I personally believe something it usually takes a small war to get my mind to recognize im actually wrong, as well as terrible memory so if I do acknowledge I've done something wrong more often than not my head forgets what happened or what i even did wrong if anything and the next time it inevitably happens again I have no information to pull from to tell me what I did was wrong or why. so basically I'm kind of a fuck up, I'm doing my best to fix my shit but yeah my fiance has been dealing with all of that for 4 years now.

(*some minorly important issues

•he's been interrupting me not letting me finish what I'm saying and just outright changing the topic since we first got together, although wrong of me I started doing that as well because i saw no other way to be able to speak to him except even when I'm doing the exact same shit hes doing it seems like hes the only allowed to be upset.

•we were in an open relationship except he didnt follow the rules we agreed to one time and that broke my trust I had for him. we said no coworkers, we said only people we were both interested in we said no one that's taken and yet all of those got broken over an ugly bitch. and I still get shit for bringing it up to this day.

•he said that until I start prefacing all of my conversations with him he wont count any attempt I've made at talking to him about my problems. so basically everything I've tried talking to him about doesnt fucking matter and it doesnt fucking count. not even when I tried telling him 3 separate times I'm feeling suicidal to top it off everytime i mentioned it, it ended in an argument.

•he told me he got suicidal thoughts for the first time in 10 years due to me and honestly I didnt know how to fucking respond to that. it made me sad yeah but where was the care I needed when I brought up the same thing? where was his give a fuck hes supposed to show if he actually cares about me??

•he says he interrupts me because what I have to say is either false, not grounded in reality, or they're excuses. except he has little to no way of knowing any of that is true unless he hears me all the way out I could be agreeing with him and he still interrupts and gets pissed.

•I believe hes a hypocrite but he says nah hes only doing this because I'm doing bad.

•hes said multiple times that i wont see any improvement in him until he sees I've got my shit together. even though hes the one that caused the first problems in this relationship I'm supposed to be the first one to fix my shit? instead of both of us working on our shit together??? and when I ask those questions he responds with yes you are supposed to be the first one to fix your shit because I'm at the end of my rope and I wont take this anymore.)

but on to why I've been scared. this person told me he used to be abusive with an equally abusive ex for many reasons and after splitting up he vowed to never do that again and never end up like they did.

fast forward to our relationship and well a few months ago he told me he wanted to hit me and made it a point to say he wasnt going to but he really wanted to.

he said that because we were both in my car and he wanted to leave with the car except I wasnt going to get out of MY car so he started yelling, i got scared and left later on he told me that was the first time hes ever wanted to hit me and I should think about what it is I did to get him to that point. after that I left it alone for a month because things got a bit better and then came the next time he said he wanted to hit me. now I dont remember the reason for him saying it the second time but I wasnt going to let that slip as easily as the first so I spoke up about it and what he had to say about me telling him it made me scared of him to know he wanted to hit me was " well if you Weren't a coward, normally when someone says they want to hit you it's a signal that you're doing something so wrong that they want to hit you." and me knowing him i knew this was one of those times he just wasnt going to budge.

so on to the next argument.

he told me I'm the one who thrust those thoughts into him, that I'm the reason they ever came to be, I'm why the exist in the first place. and he doesnt seem to understand when I say that no I'm not the reason your head wants to hurt me they exist there because of your last relationship letting that be an option. he also said he keeps the option of abuse in his head with a line in front of it to remind him to never pass that line and he doesn't understand that keeping that idea in his head at all is not a good thing because now the option is available whether you want to take it or not and

he. just. kept. arguing. and defending.

now on to the last argument.

he says he wants me to stop putting him in a position to do all the thinking and decision making for me, when I've asked him multiple times to stop doing that because I want to do shit for myself and all he keeps saying is show me that you can actually think for yourself and I'll stop needing to do that. like motherfucker at least give me the time to make decisions or thoughts.

I know it's not his fault that I take longer to process things but he knows this fact and keeps expecting me to already have a response half a second later to something I'm barely registering 5 seconds after it happened and again yes I know its something I have to work on and I am but atm it's still an existing issue.

hes trying to call thinking for me and making decisions for me "a gift" (the exact context for him saying this wasnt written down as I was too upset at the audacity of that claim.)

he wants me to show overwhelming efforts to fix my fucked behavioral issues but the efforts I'm putting in atm dont matter to him and that hes hanging on a single thread hes no longer willing to take anything but Absolute compliance(yes he used the actual words absolute compliance) if he doesnt see me losing sleep to figure out and fix my shit he wont be convinced I'm trying. he ended that segment with him saying hes not using these words to control or manipulate me. he says this is a requirement a yes or no and he wont make his decision on whether he wants to break up with me until I say yes or no to his absolute compliance. he said his decision is solely based on my answer and If i say yes i dont get to back off or get out of it.

I also wrote down a quote he said that was just so arrogant i couldnt leave it out.

"You sit before an artisan of problem solving." -my fiance

soo haha yeahh the last argument happened right before going to bed and I started typing this as soon as I got up and finished my hygiene stuff.

I'm pretty sure if he had never told me he'd wanted to hit me this wouldn't be such a difficult thing to answer... I love him and I have no idea if I should pick him and risk any form of my safety or just let him leave me.. he has no job, no money, and no family to go to.. I know he doesnt care about being homeless but I do care..I fucking love him and I dont want that for him not even for a day... as shitty as he and I can both be I still dont believe that's what he deserves... if he ever finds this hell be even more pissed that I'm even concerned about what he'll do if he leaves.. he always told me to not care and that if I ever do want to leave him to not worry about that and just get it over with sooner.. thing is I dont want to leave I just want my baby back... the one that didnt yell or didnt want to hit me at all... I want our old relationship back.. I guess I want to know if that's even possible at this point. any words from anyone would be really nice right now.. if only to just feel like someone's talking to me.. my fiance is literally the only person I talk to and the closest thing to a friend I have. and i dont tell my parents any of what's happening because they're stressed enough so I've been basically alone for 4 years with no one but my fiance to talk to..

granted it's my fault I havent made other friends but I've been so stressed recently that I havent done much about it for many reasons..

update: he just finished telling me that hes only had half a burger in the last 3 days, (due to stress) he just wanted to let me know that apparently.

[all-things-mlqc]

Boys reaction to MC who never have date before meeting them. Like, the boys as MC's first love.

My first HC on here and I was memeing half the time while writing it. Included what the boys would do after hearing this news as well because why not. I’m not a Lucien fan but lord have mercy on my soul, I couldn’t help making his romantic af. He is the ideal boyfriend/date minus the l i e s that come in the MS and I hate it. All the crossed out stuff is just commentary because I couldn’t help myself. Hope you enjoy~ Thank you for your ask <3

How the MLQC boys react to being MC’s first love below the cut~

Victor:

Follows with some snarky comment after he calls her “Dummy”.

Let’s be real here, if he doesn’t call her dummy immediately, then something is wrong. Reminds me of when we streamed the first episode of MLQC and we were all yelling “CALL US BAKA” the second Victor came on screen.

While he seems cool and collected on the outside, you can hear the computer shutdown sound play on the inside.

To him, this is a shocking confession.

Victor: I’m not surprised a dummy like you hasn’t been in a serious relationship before.

Victor, internally: How has she never been in a serious relationship before??

He’s not very good at expressing himself honestly through his words but he truly admires MCs hardworking nature.

He finds that very attractive in a woman and is surprised that other men in the line of business haven’t taken their shot with her yet. it’s because they can feel your death stare on the back of their heads, kind sir

One thing he struggles with is being himself. He tries to act like everything is in his control all the time.

Because of this, upon hearing MCs confession, he invites her to a fancy dinner at his penthouse insert Victor’s Dazzling Date because THATS ALL THAT MATTERS. Jkjk haha... unless...

He wants to impress her as much as possible even though he knows deep down that she doesn’t care about what a person has and rather how they are as a person

BUT ALAS. The stress be real for her first boyfriend.

He wants her to know she made a good decision without verbally telling her out of his own bitch mouth I love you, please call me baka so he goes over the top with their first date.

Basically pulls a Mr. Krabs when taking Mrs. Puff on a date. Just add shades to Mr. Krabs to represent Victor’s “I’m calm. I’m chill. I’m all good. We vibin out here.”

All MC wants from him is his honest and genuine thoughts. and a lifetime stock of pudding because good god a girl has chocolate needs

MC eventually figures out Victor’s intentions with all the gifts he rains on her because hE dOesNt nEeD tHeM he can’t give her anything more than a cup of pudding up front

MC knows this and accepts the secret gifts with a smile.

She sends a gift in return to his office the following day along with a thank you for the wonderful date.

Can you hear that? It’s the sound of Victor’s heart rate slowing to the average persons.

Kiro:

insert pikachu meme

This boy is mind blown.

“How have you never been in a relationship before??? That can’t be true!”

Kiro sees the good in everyone, so hearing that MC has never been in a relationship before him is

He gives her a bright smile and playfully hugs her from behind.

The two of them laugh together as he whispers genuinely in her ear,

“I promise to make you happy. You won’t regret it.”

He immediately drags her off to Loveland’s Amusement Park, where they spend the whole day together.

Rides, snacks, games, you name it, they did it all.

Kiro naturally spoils MC without putting much thought to it.

It’s like a reflex for him. It’s just who he is as a person. Always wants to share the happiness in the world with the people he cares about.

As for how anxious he is after hearing the news about being MC’s first love, he is screaming at a pitch only dogs can hear.

Almost 100% of the time he has a smile on his face and even convinces himself that he’s not worried about it.

But he is.

It only hits him when he thinks about another man taking MC away from him after seeing her talking with another guy.

MC will catch him without his carefree smile at times and eventually confronts him about it.

He shows her a wide smile and says there’s nothing to worry about.

L I E S. BABIE LEMME HOLD YOU I PROMISE YOU DONT NEED TO WORRY.

After a few attempts of trying to get Kiro to open up about it, he gives in and says he’s worried he’s not good enough for her HAHAHHA, GOOD ONE KIRO

MC, however, turns it around on him

MC: I’m afraid IM the one who isn’t good enough for you.

They both smile and embrace each other, knowing they’ll get through any little concerns like this.

Gavin:

He knows.

We’re talking about the boy who has been in love with MC since high school; Who has protected her behind the scenes ever since he laid eyes on her.

He would know if she had been in a previous or current relationship.

It only comes as a shock when she says she’s never been interested in anyone else romantically before. Lies. Have you seen the other suitors, MC. In a world where guys are that hot, you must’ve had at least 1 crush, c’mon sis.

Gavin respected her personal boundaries and never looked into her personal affairs so he had very little knowledge of her views on other guys.

He gets a little bit nervous, since he believes her standards must be high if she hasn’t been interested in anyone else before.

Does the full on soldier oath, bend the knee cliche which includes “I promise to always protect you” and “Nobody will ever be good enough for you”

Mc: Gavin no...

Gavin: NOBODY WILL EVER BE GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU.

Spoiler alert: You are waayyyyy too good for me, Gavin.

He doesn’t have too much anxiety over the thought of being MC’s first love though since he’s very good at staying true to himself and knows MC is one to admire that about others.

Gavin is a quiet guy in general. He’s more of an observer and watches MC to take note of what she enjoys.

When he sees her eyes shine bright after seeing a delicious dessert cafe, he offers to take her. He makes sure to express how he also wants to go since he knows she won’t accept unless he is interested as well.

Boy literally has no interests the moment he’s with MC. He is essentially that vine

Doesn’t even wait until the question is over and just “Absolutely. Let’s do it”

MC: But I haven’t even said anything yet...

He isn’t much different from how he is now. Has around the same amount of anxiety just from being in MCs presence.

Boy just wants to PROTECC and is always panicking on the inside but tries to remain calm.

He is very good at calming his anxiety though since he’s had so long to understand what MC values and knows she just loves people for themselves.

That’s all he needs.

Lucien:

His eyes widen slightly at MCs confession.

It’s nothing too mind blowing for him since he knows how refined MC is and how dedicated she is to her work.

It’s still surprising to him that nobody has tried to sweep her off her feet yet.

With how kind MC is, it would be hard for her to refuse a date with a gentleman.

Lucien gently presses a kiss to MCs hand upon hearing her confession.

Lucien: I am honored to be given the opportunity TO WOO to take such a beautiful lady out on a date~ AND MORE PLEASE

Lucien is the definition of a gentleman shhhh we aren’t speaking of current chapters in the main route Lucien. Cover your eyes. Pretend you do not see.

With little to no anxiety showing on his face after the reveal that he is MCs first love, he insists on taking her out to a nice restaurant the most classy and romantic 5 star restaurant Loveland City has to offer as a way to thank her for dealing with his bs (both his bullshit and black swan hahaha I’m so funny oml) being given the opportunity to treat her as a beautiful young lady should be treated.

He’s also more on the less anxious side of being MCs first love.

Lucien is a traditional man and does stuff by the book.

Because of this, he respects and likes the idea of being MCs first love.

He doesn’t go over the top yet isn’t cliche with dates and little actions.

He knows exactly what to say and when to say it. Though he may struggle with being openly honest about his own thoughts and feelings, he tries his best to express himself for MC. a lot of the time he just assumes talking to her about his personal affairs would bring her down.

This, however, gets better overtime as they continue to date.

They spend a lovely evening at dinner together and take a midnight stroll through the city oh god city stroll PTSD

He gently wraps his jacket around her bare shoulders with a soft smile as he thanks her once again for believing in him believing he is worthy of her

Bonus:

Shaw:

Shaw, smirking: Is that so?

Oohhhhh you know what that smirk does to me. DOWN BOY D O W N.

He’s surprised but his reaction is very mutual.

His internal thoughts are more on the line of “Hmm I’m her first boyfriend, aye?” and “OYA OYA”

He very likely most definitely places his hand on the wall beside her head and leans in closely to get a reaction from her as he growls,

Shaw: So that means you really like me, yeah? I’m making this way too hot gdi. Shaw stans please enjoy your food

MC looks up to see that same playful smirk resting on his face.

highkey don’t know how to respond because Im just “ok think of 3 things she would probably say and go from there” while my brain just computer error sound

MC: and what about yourself? I’m sure there are tons of girls throwing themselves at you yet you choose me.

He pulls away and places his hands in his pockets with a chuckle.

Shaw: I’ve had my fair share before.

iVe HaD mY fAiR sHarE bEfoRe MY ASS

I’m convinced he’s had one time things with girls purely for information or he isn’t the least bit interested in relationships because he thrives on stimulation and entertainment and nOboDy iS gOoD eNouGh plus he literally asks what people do on dates when taking mc out in his first date in game SO

Either way, this is a LIE. The man can’t relationship for the life of him so he has no RIGHTS to tease her.

Just let him believe or you can try to tease him about it in hopes of getting a little pouty face out of him.

Honestly, their first date would just be the first date we got in the game and nobody can convince me otherwise.

Shaw is a wild child and doesn’t care for romantic dates. at least that’s what he wants you to think

A little insight on his character: He’s very blunt and easily pushes people away all the while keeping them close enough to gather intel. He doesn’t get emotionally attached to anyone and makes sure it’s mutual on both ends. Personal relationships only drag him down, especially in his line of work. He prioritizes other things before relationships which makes him so damn FRUSTRATING BUT I SWEAR I WILL CRACK YOU OPEN LIKE A WALNUT JUST YOU WATCH ME.

With that being said, after actually being in a relationship with MC for a while and opening up about their personal lives more, Shaw can be very romantic. He may be awkward for a bit at first since he literally doesn’t know what a date is but he gets there eventually.

He’s still full of fun but is also very gentle and makes sure MC is enjoying herself.

I got sidetracked with the actual HC on this one but Shaw stans need food I NEED FOOD

[pancakebutton]

Teacher X Reader Part IV

Summary: Miss Crossland (obviously) doesn’t get off easy after being caught hitting you and you’re comforted by the one and only. Who is this mysterious man who also asks you on a date? Will you comply?

Warnings: *Slightly Abusive* language in the beginning warning, Foul Language, Sexual Content

Word Count: 2,698

Genre: Romance, Slice of Life, Sexual, Series.

Pairing: Insert Teacher X Reader

A/N: (F/H/P) is favorite hockey player (if you have one if not just replace it with your last name). And (T/NN) means teacher’s nickname.

Masterlist

.

She slapped me.

My eyes went wide as tears finally began to pool. I was now sitting on the floor, looking up at Miss Crossland who was hovering above me with that same damn smirk on her face. I cover my head with my arms as a shield and cry, “please don’t hurt me.” But I knew no one could hear me as everyone had gone home since it was the end of the day.

“That’s what you get you ungrateful bitch!”

She lurched forward and grabbed a fistful of my hair, I waited for another hit...but it never came.

I open my eyes and see my hero. Matt. He yanked Miss Crossland by the arm away from me and held her as she struggled. I scramble backwards in an attempt to get further away from her, only to bump into something. I look up and suddenly I’m embraced. I didn’t know what was happening behind me since I was too busy crying into the chest of this stranger, but I noticed the room was quiet and we were alone.

Whoever it was began to rub my back and finally spoke, “it’s fine (Y/n) I’m here, there’s nothing to be afraid of anymore.”

It was (T/C).

I then felt a wave of safety wash over me and I cried even harder. It’s all I could think of doing.

After a few minutes, I calmed down and finally looked up at him.

“Don’t worry beautiful, Miss Crossland was taken away by Matt and principal Dubois and she was handed over to the police. Matt left his phone recording in the room so there is evidence and you won’t have to deal with her ever again.”

I clutched onto him like he was my lifeline.

“Thank you Mr. (T/C).”

“Of course, anything for you. Do you want me to take you home?”

I let go of him, surprised, I looked up at him to see his smile that melted all my worries away.

“Are you sure sir? Can’t you get in trouble for that?”

“I think taking you home for your safety is the last thing they’ll consider troublesome after this whole predicament.”

He then helped me up and examined my face.

“Damn she really left one hell of a mark on ya.”

“Don’t I need to talk to the police or something to make a statement?”

“If you’d like we can stop by and have them take note of that bruise on your cheek as it can be used as evidence.”

I touched my left cheek to find it was indeed tender and probably bruised. I nodded in agreement and (T/C) took my stuff and we walked to the front office.

After about a half hour of questioning and them taking pictures of my face and arms, they finally let us leave. Usually I drive, but since my parents took the car for work, I told the police I would drive myself so they wouldn’t have to escort me and let me go with Mr. (T/C). After we turned the corner, (T/C) looked down at me and I looked back up, our eyes locking for a few seconds. He coughed, “your backpack is heavy, are your hands the same way?”

I smiled and furrowed my eyebrows in confusion only for him to answer the questions he knew I had.

“Mind if I hold them for you?”

It took a minute to understand what he was getting at, but when it came I blushed profusely and nodded. He quickly looked around to make sure we were alone and took my hand. After turning down a few more hallways, we passed through the back door, and arrived at his nice ass giant white truck.

He opened the door for me and stood close to make sure I got in alright so he could shut the door. I stepped onto the bottom bar and slipped, but felt a pair of firm hands steady me by my ass. My blush deepens and so does Mr. (T/C)’s as he awkwardly chuckles and let’s me go.

“S-sorry (Y/n).”

“It’s fine (T/C).”

And with that I sat down. He closed the door, got on his side, and started the truck and we were off.

After a long silent drive, he eventually spoke up, “you can call me (T/n) you know.” I smile and laugh, “(T/n)? It’s weird calling you that I’m so used to your cool last name haha.” He gave me a lazy but sweet smile in return.

“But only when we’re not in school alright.”

“And when will I be seeing you outside of school hm (T/n)?”

In a split second he bashfully looked down then back at the road, us approaching my home.

“Well, do the leafs play tomorrow?”

“Why yes they do, why do you ask?”

“So many questions from you huh? Well if you’d like, you can come over to my place and watch it with me.”

I was taken aback. We come to a stop and I grab my stuff. I rest my hand on his and softly smile, our eyes meet and I give him my answer.

“I’d love to sir.”

He pulls out his phone and we exchange numbers. As I’m getting out he responds with, “see you at seven then beautiful.”

I squeal internally and could only nod. I close the door and make my way up my porch, once at my front door, I turn back and wink at him before heading inside.

.

God she was so perfect.

My heart was pounding in my chest as she finally closed the door behind her. I was so scared she’d reject me or worse, but she welcomed me with open arms. I found my fingers tapping along to the radio music on my way home. Once there, I immediately began cleaning everything and went grocery shopping so I could impress her with my cooking skills.

After quite the eventful day, as I drifted off to sleep, I dreamed up every scenario in my head. Some dirtier than others of course, I’m a man don’t blame me! And I fell asleep dreaming about her in my arms, hoping she was doing the same.

The next day, when her class came to an end, she caught my eye as she was walking out and I returned her wink she gave me yesterday. I could tell my coworkers observing the skip in my step, but I didn’t care. Today was my date with (Y/n) and no one could ruin it, especially with Madeline gone. Matt sped walked into my classroom at the end of school bursting with questions.

“How did it go? Did she say yes? Did you use the pickup lines I gave you?!”

“Yes, yes, and yes. She’s coming over to my house to watch the game at seven.”

He fist pumped, making me laugh.

“Hell yes dude! This is perfect, now we can move onto phase two! Making her your girlfriend!”

It felt like my smile couldn’t get any bigger because of him.

“Gosh, how could I ever repay you Matt?”

“You already have Mr. (T/C). You gave me an A, didn’t get me kicked off the hockey team, and you’re making (Y/n) happy. That’s all I could ever ask for.”

I pat him on the back as I felt as if my heart was gonna burst.

“Thanks kid. Now I need some advice, do you think spaghetti is a good first date dinner? Or should I go with steak?”

Matt chuckled, “I’m sure whatever you make she will love. As long as you put effort into it and it doesn’t make her sick.”

He laughs and I roll my eyes, “I’m not that bad Matt geez…do you think I should make a move on her or?”

“I don’t think you should yet, no offense but I don’t think she sees this as a date quite yet though I know she hopes it is. This is more of coaxing her into liking you more, learning more about you, and having her feelings for you grow until she’s yours.”

I nod, “yeah good thinking Matt, glad to see you can use it somewhere” I joke.

“Hey! I’m street smart not book smart ya nerd.”

We both laughed and parted ways, I now had about two hours before she came over so I had to prepare myself and dinner.

I decided to make spaghetti and garlic bread for dinner and to wear my ‘Matthews’ jersey to keep it casual knowing she’d be wearing her own. I showered, got dressed, and began dinner and before I even knew it, seven arrived. (Y/n) knocked a few minutes after seven and I swiftly, but not too swiftly, opened the door. She of course came in her (F/H/P) jersey, but she still looked stunning with her hair done and a little bit of makeup and perfume.

“(Y/n)! Hey come in come in.”

She gave me a warm smile, stepped in, placed her bag by the door, and took off her shoes.

“(T/n)! Thanks for having me over.”

“Oh and of course always a little late huh Miss Maine?”

Her smile then turned playful.

“Oh shush come on the game is about to start!”

She then grabbed my hand and led me over to the couch, but before I sat, I grabbed us some drinks.

I hand one to her, followed by a, “thanks” and I flip to the channel it was on. It was in the middle of the American anthem, as they were playing the Washington Capitals, and she immediately stood, causing me to laugh.

“Come on (T/C) you gotta stand for our country!”

We both laughed and I stood to entertain her and it was over. The Canadian anthem starts and she of course sings (screams) along making me laugh harder. I had barely done anything and it was already going great.

The game starts and ten minutes in the leafs score causing us to both jump up in cheer, her more enthusiastic than me. The second period came and I grabbed some plates with food on it and handed it to her.

“Thanks (T/NN), and you have a beautiful house by the way.”

She dug into the food and hummed in enjoyment a little too loudly making me smile.

“Of course. And thank you, it’s almost as beautiful as you.” I wink, causing her to blush deeply.

She excused herself to the bathroom, but five minutes later when she returned, she sat next to me rather than her old spot on the other couch.

“So (T/NN), have you ever been to a game?” She asks.

“Yeah I’ve been to a bunch of games, every time we go on the Washington trip me and the other teachers sneak out to a game. What about you?”

“I’ve only been to a few, but I go when I can. I should have assumed you were a chaperone of that trip seeing as you are a government teacher.”

We both laughed and the commentators came back on, signaling the start of the second period.

“Why didn’t you sign up to go? I thought you loved traveling? Your water bottle is filled with stickers from all over the place.”

Way to go (T/n) now you sound creepy.

“Oh, well now I would have loved to go if I had known there was gonna be a cute guy on the trip.”

My breath catches in my throat.

Did she just flirt with me?

I realized this had been the first time she had and my eyes quickly darted away from hers. I was at a loss of words, “w-w-well I’m sure Mr. Macmara would still let you go if you asked him. He’s a pretty chill guy after all.” She simply smiles, unaware of what her words did to me.

“Oh yeah? Cool then I’ll totally come!”

The puck drop pulled us from our conversation. I was too engrossed in the game to realize that (Y/n) had slowly gotten closer to the point where she was right up against me.

Then of course to ruin the moment, Zach Hymen rips a nice wrist shot that ends up in the back of the net, causing her to stand enthusiastically.

“Yeah that’s Hymie for ya! What a guy!”

I chuckle, too tired to stand with her but still matching her excitement. She sat, but this time she pushed herself onto me, resting her head on my shoulder.

The third period comes and goes and soon the game was over. We both stood and I walked her to the door while she talked my ear off about how amazing Mitch Marner was after he scored in overtime. I walk her to the door and she turns to me, “thank you for letting me come over (T/N) I had a wonderful time.”

“Of course, if you’d like, would you wanna go on a picnic under the stars with me at Frontenac Park this Friday? It’ll be dark so you won’t have to worry about anyone seeing us.”

She smiled sweetly, “yes I would love that (T/N), well I’ll see you Friday then goodnight.”

Then she leaned up and kissed me on the cheek making both our faces flush pink. She quickly turned and left clearly nervous about what she had just done. I close the door and instinctively my hand reaches up where she had kissed me.

She really does return my feelings.

It felt like my chest was going to explode with how fast my heart was pounding. And my cheeks began to hurt as I noticed I was smiling like an idiot all this time, but I couldn’t help it. She made me this way.

.

I rummage through my purse to immediately grab my keys to my car. I fumble with them, of course, as my hands shook from the embarrassing moment I had just caused. I hoped he wasn’t watching me through his window or something to make sure I left safely but it’s all my mind thought of. I unlock the door, hop in, start it, and sped off back home. I had told my parents I had gone to Mo’s house for a bit, knowing she’d cover for me, but I hated lying to them like they could see right through me.

My phone goes off, I see it’s from Mo and answer it, putting it on speaker.

“Hello?”

“So you gonna tell me why if your parents called to tell them you were here?”

“Okay okay. But you can’t make fun of me or tell anyone because this means a lot to me, understand?”

“Cross my heart and hope to die.”

I heard what sounded like something dropping on her end followed by a ‘shush’.

“What was that? Are you okay?”

She sounded a bit frantic but playful, “oh it’s nothing, go on.”

“Okaaaayy, so you know how Mr. (T/C) is my favorite teacher?”

“Yeeeeesss, whyyyyyy?”

“Well...he asked me to come over to his house to watch the Leafs vs Caps game and I might have kissed him on the cheek before I left.”

She squealed, “Oh my gosh (Y/N) I’m so happy for you! Oh and don’t be mad but Matt was in the room when you said that.”

I pause, “...wait why is Matt at your place? Ooooooooo I know why!”

“Yeah yeah Matt asked me to be his girlfriend no big deal.”

I then hear a “no big deal?” In the background knowing it was Matt.

I laugh, “oh and he might have asked me out on an actual date.”

I then hear two squeals over the phone.

“What makes this an actual date?” Matt asked.

“Well we’re going on a picnic under the stars this Friday so that seems more romantic than watching a hockey game dontcha think?”

“Omg (Y/N) you HAVE to come over and get ready with me!” Morgan said, taking her phone back. I laugh, “fine, but only if you keep vouching for me.”

“Deal.”

[alleiradayne]

Cowboys and Angels

A COCKLES X READER RPF SERIES

Filming for the last season of Supernatural is underway and Y/N, long-time set photographer, finds herself the center of attention for two of her co-workers, Misha Collins and Jensen Ackles. A roller-coaster of emotions ensues over the year as the three of them attempt to balance work, the end of an era, and experimental love.

Part IV - Friends

Summary: On set the following Monday, Y/N talks with Misha and Jensen. Warnings/Tags: Fluff, flirting, angst, anxiety Characters/Pairings: Misha Collins, Female Reader, Jensen Ackles Word Count: 1,105 A/N: Once again, please assume everyone involved is consenting and polyamorous. No spouse hate. No wife hate. No Cockles hate. No Misha hate. No hate whatsoever. If you don’t like RPF, don’t read it, and don’t complain to me about it. Update: The oh-so-lovely @atc74​ made this stellar aesthetic for me in hopes that it wouldn’t get the Tumblr Ban Hammer™. Let’s test it.

Different.

Walking onto set the following Monday felt decidedly different. Uncomfortable. Weird. Every set of eyes Y/N passed gleamed with knowing, their smiles far too polite. Or at least, she suspected as much. They had somehow figured out everything. They saw it on her face, plain as day. She had fucked Misha. And Jensen had watched. They were freaks. Deviants. Perverts.

Not that she agreed. Far from it. But, like she had told them Friday night, Y/N had never done anything quite like that before. The sex itself had been only mildly kinky—aside from the fact that it had been with Misha fucking Collins—but with Jensen watching, directing, and pleasuring himself, she had ventured into unfamiliar territory.

But she had wanted it, had loved every second, and couldn’t wait for more. Not a single ounce of regret stained those indelible memories. Nothing in the entire universe would ever change that. But her nerves had frayed, overpowered by the anxiety that threatened to send her running from set. Would she ever again be able to look either of them in the eye with a straight face at work?

Despite those nerves—because of them, in fact—Y/N headed straight for the buffet table and grabbed a plate to load up with deliciously sugary breakfast pastries. Nothing like a little carb-induced dopamine rush to settle her anxiety.

“Good morning.”

Her plate of cream cheese Danish bites flew into the air and scattered across the table as Y/N squawked. When her heart started beating again, she glared at Misha, simultaneously embarrassed and furious. She hasn't heard him approach, her thoughts drowning out the din on set.

“That’s it? ‘Good morning’?” she snipped.

He reached out with a tentative hand but seemed to second guess himself. “Is there something wrong? Did we… are you okay?”

Y/N bristled in the wake of his endless kindness. “No, I’m not okay. I feel like… like my skin is crawling.” She sighed, a rough sound growling in her throat. A cautious look scanned the set as she leaned into Misha and asked, “Do I have ‘slut’ written across my forehead?”

Misha reared back at that, aghast in his disgust. “No! Why would you think that?”

“Everyone keeps staring at me,” she muttered as she cleaned up her mess. With all her pastries returned to her plate, she said, “It’s like they all know. They all know everything. About Friday. About us.”

His move to comfort her, though subtle, startled Y/N. She hated that, hated the fact that he backed away and straightened to his professional posture with his hands held up as he stepped back. “I’m so sorry, Y/N. I never wanted to cause you any regret.”

“Sh!” Her hiss echoed through the cavernous set, and a crew member gave her a sideways look as he passed them. She waited for him to walk out earshot, then said, “I don’t regret it. Not even a little bit. I… want more. But I’m really worried.”

“About?” Misha asked.

She poked at one of her pastry bites. “About what everyone will think.”

Misha shook his head as he shoved his hands in his pockets. “Nobody needs to know. Ever. They won’t. By the time it’ll matter, we’ll be done filming.”

“But what if they find out?” she asked, her mind spinning wildly out of control. “What if some stupid paparazzi followed us to the club?”

He grimaced at that. “I understand your concern. And I having nothing but hollow words for reassurance. But think of it this way. Jensen and I have gone this long without being had.”

She hadn’t thought of that. “That’s a good point.” But then another question bubbled up in the back of her mind. “Wait, how long—”

“Eight years. He’ll tell you nine, but I go by the ‘official’ date,” he said as he pointed to his hand.

Y/N glanced down only to notice Misha yet wore his street clothes. On his right hand he wore a ring that she immediately recognized. “So that rumor is true.” When she didn’t hear Misha respond, she looked back up at him with a questioning quirk to her brow.

“Yeah, but as long as everyone thinks it’s a rumor, that’s all it is,” he said with a grin. “Are you still worried?”

“Worried about what?”

Jensen appeared at her side as though he had manifested from thin air. “Christ, I almost threw my plate again,” she growled.

He glared at Misha. “Don’t scare her off right away, man.”

“Me?! What about you sneaking up on both of us!” Misha retorted.

She couldn’t help but laugh. “I don’t know how I didn’t realize before. And I don’t know how nobody else knows.”

Jensen turned back to her with a smirk and said, “Oh, sweetheart, they know. They all know. They don’t care.”

“Misha contends they all think it’s just a rumor,” Y/N commented.

“Of course, he does, he’s Misha,” Jensen quipped. “Now, I need to ask you something really important.”

The pit of her stomach dropped at the sudden serious look on Jensen’s face. “What?”

“How do you like your steak?”

He grinned as Y/N blinked in confusion. “I uh…” She scrambled for an answer. “Medium rare. Why?”

He opened his mouth to reply when one of the makeup artists called to him from across the set. He waved to her, then turned back to the two of them. “Because ya’ll are comin’ over for dinner tonight and I’m cooking,” he said as he backed away. “Whenever we wrap for the day, head on over.”

Y/N winced as she frantically searched the surrounding faces on set. “Will you be quiet! Someone is going hear you and they’ll know for sure.”

Jensen shrugged as though he didn't care. “See you on set,” he said with another wink as he turned for the makeup trailer and strode away.

An exasperated huff burst from her lips. “I hate you both. I hope you know that.”

Despite her glare, Misha laughed as he said, “I do. See you tonight?”

She stared at her plate a long moment before asking, “Will it be anything like last Friday?”

Misha blushed prettier than she imagined anyone had the right to blush. “Probably. Is that okay?”

Y/N popped a pasty bite into her mouth, swallowed, and licked her lips. “Only if you’re calling the shots this time.”

He leaned in far too close, lips at her ear, and Y/N scoured the sound stage for any voyeurs. But her concerns vanished when Misha spoke, his baritone spiking arousal between her thighs.

“Leave your underwear at home.”

Son of a bitch.

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COWBOYS AND ANGELS MASTER LIST ALLEIRADAYNE’S SPN MASTER LIST

[chaoskatya]

unfinished brooke x katya hatefuck fic

hi yall :^) so ive had this sitting in my drafts for a WHILE and ive barely dented the actual planned plot but still i felt like it was kind of a waste of what i did write to not ?? idk do something with it? this was originally written for AQ’s rarepair event but irl stuff got in the way so it never got finished, and i kinda lost the inspo to finish it (for now? idk) so here it is, posted unedited in however it was when i last touched it

brooke x katya hatefuck, (well, planned, i obv hadnt written that far) inspired by pics of trixie and brooke together that one time they were weirdly hanging out a lot irl and that one outfit brooke has that looks like that one outfit katya has the polkadot one u know it

“Ugh, I swear, Vi! She really has something against me! I think she hates me!”

Katya punctuates her sentence with a flail of her arms for emphasis before flopping back onto her bed. Violet just rolls her eyes at her roommate’s dramatics, as per usual. This is the third time they’ve had this conversation this week.

“So she’s a little icy, what of it? It’s not like you’re not used to having a mega bitch around, you live with me,” Violet responds plainly, not even bothering to look up from her laptop, “and I don’t think anybody could hate you, Kat.”

Katya huffs at that. “No, I swear, she hates me.”

Katya Zamolodchikova is absolutely sure of three things in her university life: One, Trixie Mattel is her best friend. Two, nothing gets in between her and Trixie. Three, Brooke Lynn Hytes is absolutely making her best fucking attempt.

Katya and Trixie had met last year, Katya being a sophomore in visual arts and Trixie a freshman in musical theater, when Katya had accidentally crashed Ginger’s (kind of pathetic) attempt at being a tour guide for the freshmen of her course. They’ve only known each other for a year, but ever since then the two quickly became inseparable and a year had felt like a lifetime. All of their friends knew, and Katya held it close to her heart, that nothing could possibly stand in their way. That is, until the beginning of this semester.

Trixie had been elected as class representative at the start of their sophomore year, which did not surprise Katya one bit. But that meant that when Canadian exchange student Brooke Lynn Hytes had arrived for the semester, it was Trixie’s job to show her around and make her feel welcomed. And being that Brooke’s degree in classical dance meant her and Trixie had quite a few overlapping classes, the two hit it off and had gotten closer and closer since. It’s only half way through the semester, yet Katya feels as though she’s slowly becoming more and more of a background character in Trixie’s life. They still text each other when they can, but hangout times have slowly grown increasingly thin and so has Katya’s sanity. Not that it’s Trixie’s fault, of course…

“I can’t explain it. But I promise, it’s almost like she’s purposefully occupying Trixie from me! Every time it looks like we might get a chance to even just talk, she’s there coming round the corner asking Trixie for help in one of their classes or for show recs or whatever. And she always looks me dead in the eye, with her stupid fucking smirk, like she knows what she just did! I can’t explain the feeling I get when I see her!”

Katya’s hit full ranting steam now, half hanging off her bed still flailing as animated as ever.

Violet shuts her laptop and turns to face her. “Mama, sounds like you hate her. Sure it’s not just in your head because you’re jealous the amazon’s occupying your barbie?”

There’s a beat of silence. “Jealous? I guess?” Katya scrunches up her face and sits up. “I mean, how could I not be? With her stupid long legs and her flowing blonde hair, like god, Vi, she’s practically perfect! And have you seen her dance?”

Katya turns to pose her question, but Violet is just staring, giving her a look she can’t decipher. She continues,

“So then, fine, of course I’m jealous, but that’s because Trix is my best friend. I barely see her anymore, and when I do she’s always there and I just get so riled up! And I’m sure Trix has started to notice because god I just can’t stand it when she’s near, it just sets me alight in an awful way. I’ve never felt this way about anybody before!” And it’s true, Katya really does not think of herself as someone capable of fully hating someone else. But by god, is Brooke really testing that.

Violet scoffs, turning away to open her laptop once more. “Look Mary, all I gotta say is that that’s an awful lot of emotion for some best friend jealousy. Also, you have a lecture starting in ten minutes.”

Fuck! Katya checks her watch and immediately jumps up to scramble for her belongings, deeply thankful for her roommate’s type A tendencies yet internally chastising herself for allowing her ranting to consume her time like that. She quickly kisses Violet on the cheek and bids her farewell before putting on her boots and heading out of their dorm room to make her best effort to speed walk to class.

But as luck would have it, not that Katya has a lot of it, she quite literally walks right into the subject of their prior conversation. Well, speak of the devils…

“Oh! Trixie, hi!” Katya laughs, immediately reacting to steady Trixie from where Katya had almost knocked her over with the door. From the way she was standing, she figured she had opened the door just as Trixie was about knock.

“Katya! Thank god, I was worried you wouldn’t be in,” Trixie smiles back brightly, smoothing her fluffy golden hair back into place. (Not that it’s ever really out of place, Katya thinks to herself.) 

Katya smiles at her, a sight for sore eyes she thinks, but when she realizes Brooke is standing at the end of the hall waiting for Trixie, her smile doesn’t quite reach her eyes. Whether Trixie noticed Katya’s tension or not, she didn’t let on. At least Brooke had the decency to wait at a reasonable distance.

“Uh, yeah, I was just heading out though,” Katya replies, trying her best to look sympathetic. She doesn’t mind that she’s running late anymore, just feels bad she even has to go. “But did you need something?”

Trixie looks equally as sympathetic. “Yeah, uh, listen, I’m really sorry. I know we haven’t been able to hang recently and I’m really sorry for that, midterms and all…”

“Hey, it’s alright, I knew you were busy. It’s no problem, really.” That’s a lie.

“But now that it’s over, let’s celebrate! Let me make it up to you? Be my date to the Edwards party tonight?”

Katya’s smile softens. As much as she was planning to trade in the party for a well-deserved movie night in with Violet and Pearl, she finds she really can’t say no to Trixie, especially not when she’s looking at her like an apologetic puppy. Whipped.

“Down for anything with you, Barbie. Meet you at the dorm hall at 8?”

Trixie squeals and picks Katya up by the middle, “AAAAAAAH yes!! See you bitch!!”

Katya squirms violently to be put down but laughs it off anyway. She really can’t be too mad at her best friend.

“Anyway, I gotta run, see you later Trix!” She rushes to hug Trixie quickly once more before escaping as briskly yet casually as she can out the door. This fails her when all semblance of casualty is lost as she passes the point where Brooke is, all tall and blonde and beautiful even just standing around. As she passes, her gaze quite obviously steels ahead to avoid looking Brooke in the eye, but she can’t fail to catch the quite obvious smug smirk the Canadian has posed on her painted lips.

----

Katya managed to make it to class with only 5 minutes late, thankfully just as her professor was entering the other door. She plops down into her usual seat with an audible groan and immediately drops her head in her hands.

Brooke. Stupid fucking Brooke Lynn Hytes. Lately, Katya’s wandering thoughts always go back to her. There hasn’t been a time where her idle time hasn’t been haunted by a certain ballerina chipping away at her precious concentration. She sees perfect long blonde hair, icy blue eyes, and tone legs that go all the way up. 

If she’s being completely honest with herself, she is just a bit jealous of Brooke but not for the reasons Violet insinuates. I mean, sure, she misses Trixie to bits. But that’s only one of the many straws on the camel that is Katya’s completely rational anger. 

It’s not that she’s perfect, either, but that sure adds another straw. Seemingly introverted, but able to capture the hearts of anyone in her path through quick and honest charm. Graceful and poised, where Katya is not, and tall and curvy, where Katya is not. Katya really doesn’t understand how someone can attend 7am dance classes with a flawless mug and still leave rehearsals with not an eyelash out of place, it’s inhuman.

No, it’s that no matter how much others testify on her behalf, Katya does not understand it. She doesn’t know what she did, but she has somehow done something to aggravate Brooke against her, and it bothers her endlessly that she doesn’t even know what she did to incur such spite. Katya doesn’t see any of the charm or kindness that others profess, only smug smirks and cocky passive-aggressive jabs and a seemingly passionate desire to find any way she can to poke Katya’s buttons and prompt some kind of response. She’s lucky Katya has a lot more self control than most, and she’s restrained herself from biting back thus far.

She thinks back to the first time she spotted Brooke, on the first day of the semester when Katya had gotten bored and decided to drop in on Trixie’s representative duties despite explicit instructions not to intrude. She had found her in one of the gardens of the student commons, and instinctively made her way to run up and tackle her before realizing Trixie wasn’t alone and stopping dead in her tracks.

Trixie was sitting next to someone Katya didn’t recognize, which was a surprise in itself because Katya knew next to everybody personally in their modestly sized arts college.  The girl was sitting next to Trixie on a bench, both hands holding one of Trixie’s own as Trixie appeared to animatedly be telling some story. Trixie then finally noticed Katya frozen standing awkwardly at some distance and paused in the middle of her speech to yell at Katya and becon her over. 

“Katya! This is Brooke Lynn, a Canadian exchange student for the semester. Brooke, this is Katya, my best friend!”

Brooke lazily shifted her gaze from Trixie to give Katya the once over, glancing her up and down. Whatever she saw, she suddenly stood up and crowded into Katya’s space, gazing down at her intensely directly from the advantage their clear height difference gave her.

“Well, it’s certainly nice to meet you… Katya.” 

And on her lips, the same painted red smirk. The same stupid smirk that would continuously haunt her until…

“Kat, you with us girl?” Hissed Pearl in her ear, jabbing her hard in the side.

[jageunyeoujari]

hello yaejin. i wanted to apologize for last night. i'm sorry i brought your mental health into an argument, and i'm sorry i invalidated your feelings. that was out of line, and i honestly fucked up. i saw a pattern ive seen before and i jumped to conclusions and it was inappropriate and cruel, especially while we were having an argument. i was dealing with a mental health crisis of a friend and i let it influence me and i wasn't good enough to walk away and say i couldn't talk rationally.

 (sorry, limit). my own situation doesn’t make it okay what i said, and i don’t want to imply it, i just wanted to let you know the context. i’m sorry again.

apologizing for what exactly. sorry for what exactly. you “brought up my mental health” as if it was just a little no-big-deal comment when you used my vulnerability in talking abt my recent mental health struggles as proof that i’m going insane & thus everything i say is illogical when i was talking abt racism in white ace/aro discourse. the ableism was literally a vehicle for you to derail a conversation about race so by copping to just the one, you’re not actually acknowledging the underlying issue framing it. this is such a vapid, spineless, fake apology that doesn’t acknowledge the underlying intent or impact of what that ableism did which was to derail my points abt RACISM & my experience as a lesbian woc who’s also ace. you’re just copping to the obvious thing that even some of the ppl in your clique might feel vaguely bad abt & ignoring everything else.

& you say you just “invalidated my feelings?” LET’S GO IN-DEPTH. first, you were openly hostile for even daring to question you. you brought up corrective rape as a gotcha bc you knew that was an explosive thing to drop & you could derail any objections i have to your ranting as invalidating survivors. & when i asked for proof for your claims of ace/aro oppression & them facing corrective rape, you said you didn’t want to look at triggering material when YOU were the one who dropped corrective rape in the first place w absolute no warning & w no thought if it would trigger ME (which it fucking did btw, thx.) it was curious to me that you used corrective rape as a gotcha for ace/aro oppression when it was created to describe the violence that black lesbians face in south africa. esp in light of how you seem to have this pattern of insinuating how lesbians are somehow so accepted by the lgbt community when we’re so uniquely bigoted & we never try to keep out terfs but don’t seem to take into account how ace/aros can can also be transphobic/terfs as well as homophobic & lesbophobic. that’s not a matter of a few “shitty” ppl. lgb ppl are also allowed to be wary of any non-same sex attracted person being homophobic as they necessarily benefit for not being same sex-attracted esp when have been oppressed for displaying any kind of sexual desire & deemed better if we are asexual. & it seems like you have a pattern of only calling out lesbians instead of like also gay/bi men which i find curious. maybe you do tho & i just haven’t seen. but lesbophobia in the lgbt community esp against lesbians of color is real so it’s just odd that for you to keep saying that we have a completely comfortable position in it. also you positing lesbianism & ace/aro identity as exclusive categories does play into the stereotype that lesbians are hypersexual which is esp damaging to lesbians of color. 

anyway, when i researched on my own & found no convincing evidence to support your claims, you threw a tantrum bc NO MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCES & FEELINGS OF BEING OPPRESSED = ULTIMATE TRUTH OF ACE/ARO OPPRESSION. your experiences are valid & all. you’re allowed to feel upset by them. but i fail to see being ace/aro constitutes institutional oppression.  in my search, i mainly saw claims of individual microaggressions and acts of verbal violence as evidence of oppression when those things by themselves don’t prove that there’s an explictly anti-ace/aro system of oppression. i can experience microaggressions for being asian & also not being into sex but those are entirely on different levels for me. i know instinctively that racism is an institutional oppression. i’m literally ace & microaggressions for that mean nothing to me in comparison. you feel differently abt it & you’re allowed but again, personal experience of microaggressions doesn’t prove institutional oppression. i also saw vague citings of a study of ppl apparently being more likely to say they’d discriminate against asexuals than lgbt ppl. the study seemed too flawed to me & doesn’t seem to take into account how ppl might know it’s bad to admit they’d discriminate against lgbt ppl but that doesn’t prove they’re not actually homophobic/transphobic. like liberal white ppl likely won’t admit that they’re racist bc they know that looks bad. doesn’t mean they’re not racist. as for corrective rape, i don’t remember finding anything that wasn’t abt violence against black lesbians & certainly not any that cites specifically anti-ace/aro motivations. i’m not saying it can never happen. but in comparison, it can be proven that cr is part of an explicit system of homophobia & misogyny against black lesbians in south africa but i didn’t see any for ace/aros. & i mean, i researched this while reading abt cr which is deeply upsetting to me as a lesbian so it’s not like this was easy for me. but i don’t rly think you have a leg to stand on in this instance bc you never provided any proof & didn’t say what your exacting reasoning on this is. it didn’t even have to be abt cr & i’m not saying you should disclose traumatic experiences, but just… say something to help me understand where you’re coming from. otherwise you look like you’re just expecting a woc to blindly accept & follow you.

& i have to bring up white ace/aro discourse elides how misogyny & patriarchy & racism & other -isms impact pressures to be sexual or asexual.  poc esp black ppl are stereotyped as either hypersexual or asexual. being seen as hypersexual is dehumanizing & can be traumatic & lead to real life serious consequences. i’m literally asexual but i empathize w non-asexual poc esp woc & the struggles they face & thus have no interest in white ace/aro rhetoric that posits being sexual as a universally normal, ideal, uncomplicated privilege & asexuals are oppressed by them. also being seen as asexual/actually being asexual can be so damaging & traumatic to poc which is why so many of us are alienated by white ace/aros who posit it as a universally positive thing to be proud of. white ace/aros also imply that they can somehow face oppression by like non-sexual poc which is concerning in light of the history of racist/colonialist ideas of backwards, hypersexual black & brown menaces & seductresses versus the purity & chastity of whiteness. controlling the sexuality of poc is a key part of white supremacy so there isn’t an obvious oppressor/oppressed dynamic here like men/women, white/poc. & considering how reproductive justice is constantly under fire & how there’s societal pressure for women to be effectively asexual until (hetero) marriage, it’s hard for me to think how non-asexual women not in hetero relationships actually… benefit from being non-asexual. there’s also different expectations abt being sexual for men, esp white men, than women & white ace/aro discourse tends to ignore that. sure, men are generally encouraged to be sexual & the shaming of asexual men likely sucks. but shaming doesn’t necessarily mean ace/aro oppression & seems more like to me a symptom of patriarchy/gender roles & heteronormativity.  so in my estimation, misogyny & patriarchy & racism as well as other systems of oppression like ableism, homophobia, transphobia, & classism better explain these differing expectations for being sexual or asexual rather than ace/aro vs non-ace/aros being an entirely separate dynamic. i literally couldn’t find any evidence for your claims & you got so upset at me for that but never tried giving me one piece of proof. yes, i know that oppressors demanding the oppressed to prove their oppression to them is a legitimate thing & the oppressed don’t need to feel obligated to educate them. i’ve experienced this frustration many times myself. but your behavior in this instance strikes me as white entitlement & again, a sign of you being frustrated that a woc isn’t blindly accepting you’re automatically right.

& when i started getting rly into the racism in white ace/aro discourse, you rly lost your shit. you dropped your abuse history & claimed i was invalidating you being abused for being ace when i literally never did. you straight up lied abt that. & also i know you know that i have experienced abuse & if you like bothered to think, you would take into account that i could be triggered by you dropping that out of nowhere, but instead you dropped it in an attempt to derail & get me to shut up. now this is when you suddenly rave abt how it’s obvious i’m on a bad mental health spiral & i’m believing in conspiracy theories & i’m paranoid, all a transparent attempt to make everything i said abt racism apparently wrong. w/o giving me a chance to reply, you promptly blocked like a coward. oh, also truly hilarious how you’re such a hypocrite for bringing up your friend’s mental health crisis as an excuse for your racialized misogyny when you literally used my mental illnesses to derail & attack me & dropped 2 instances of potentially triggering shit as gotchas & never took into account how this all could impact MY mental health. 

rose also sent me a long ass screed abt how i’m rigid & narrow-minded & crazy & paranoid & lied abt how i’m guilting her abt not being an activist which i explained multiple times i wasn’t. she blocked before i could respond. so not just you but your clique sure seem to love throwing tantrums abt how your feelings equal the ultimate truth & how dare some bitch try to think critically abt institutional oppression & process her thoughts on her private twitter & be, god forbid, socially conscious. who does that chink think she is, am i right? why isn’t she just a doormat & shut up? why is she making us UNCOMFORTABLE?!?!?!! like maybe ask yourselves why you take it so personally & you all don’t like it when i talk abt sj & activism. rly look inside yourself for why that is. 

& as soon as you’re all done with your ravings, which are full of lies & deliberate misinterpretations of what i said & massive projection & anti-intellectualism & manipulation & guilt-tripping, you all block so you don’t have to face the consequences or have to hear me out. that’s so fucking spineless & cowardly. & that’s so loaded since you all prevented me from saying anymore on racism. that’s just classic white fragility & a fear of outspoken, critical woc making you uncomfortable abt race. oh, also shout out to runa who acted “impartial” but did effectively the same thing as you. she acted concerned abt my mental health so she could convince me i’m crazy & get me to shut up abt institutional oppression & racism & instead focus on “fun things” (i.e. non-political, safe topics so she could feel comfortable). i feel esp disappointed in her bc that kind of wishy washy behavior is extremely irritating & patronizing & two-faced to me. i hated her acting like she was worried abt me when she was effectively doing the same thing as you, silencing me & making me feel crazy which means everything i say is wrong. 

really try to reflect why you all thought it was threatening when i tried to facilitate a productive dialogue, i did try to be level-headed & open-minded, emphasized that i just want to understand your pov, researched on my own for your claims, & processed my thoughts on institutional oppression & my experiences as a lesbian woc who’s also ace. i tried to open up a dialogue but you refused & threw a hissy fit bc i dared to not join your echo chamber & tried looking at actual data instead of just believing that you’re automatically right w no proof which is esp loaded in this situation bc you’re white. sjc also pulled this on me too so yes i am angry you also did the same. you all treated me in such bad fucking faith & pulled such fucking passive aggressive, manipulative, cowardly, idiotic bullshit.

god, you know what? your behavior in this indicated a huge sense of white entitlement & a problem w black & white thinking & accompanying self-righteousness. i try so hard to be nuanced & compassionate & flexible & see from your pov & i clearly stated i wanted a dialogue.. what did i get in return for it? not even the bare minimum. you treated me like fucking shit & never gave me even a tiny bit of effort or consideration. that’s racialized misogyny. how fucking dare you give me this fucking insipid half-assed fake apology. you didn’t even fucking try to think abt how you actually hurt me. all i’m getting here is you attempting to assuage a vague sense of guilt FOR YOUR OWN SAKE. not even attempting to think abt how i’m an actual real human being w my own emotions, thoughts, & will. how fucking selfish can you get. not the first fucking time white ppl wanted me just be a doormat, to be their submissive smiling oriental doll only there to validate their stupid, self-centered asses & not the first time their apology was abysmal. actually, you know what, i don’t even know why i even bothered writing all this fucking shit trying to explain myself & wasting my time on you again when you’ve never tried to do anything for me, not even make a fucking decent apology.

in conclusion, this was all v obviously steeped in racism & white entitlement/fragility all in an attempt to silence me bc how fucking dare some woc bring up social justice issues in a way that’s not catered to you. you’ve all shown your asses & clearly demonstrated ableism & racialized misogyny. i’m profoundly disappointed in all of you & you’ve all hurt me so much. i’m blocking you now bc you’ve proven yourself to be a lost cause. 

[regrettablewritings]

All the Write Words, Pt.I (Library AU! Vladimir Ranskahov x Reader)

Prologue Part II Part III Part IV Part V

The S. Lee Public Library was just two blocks shy of Hell’s Kitchen. It was nowhere near as grand as the New York City Public Library, having far more comfort and far less elegance with its surplus of carpeted floors and bean bag chairs, but it still managed to obtain its fair share of visitors who found its location more convenient and appearance less intimidating.

And yet it was amazing how tense the environment could become once you’ve added a 6-foot, scowling, scarred, tattooed Russian ex-con to the premises.

“Behave, listen, and don’t get any ideas,” Anatoly had told Vladimir as he dropped him off. Like a suburban soccer mom who didn’t know how to quiet down in front of her child’s friends. America, Vladimir decided, had made a pussy of his brother. The thought made his gut churn with fury and his teeth clench ferociously. He absolutely refused to let this damned program do the same to him. He opened the door as angrily and demanding as he could, which was difficult considering that the entrance had been structured so as to avoid creaking or slamming to preserve silence.

The Russian dared not walk at a quick pace. He’d let them do the waiting, whoever they were. Show them who was boss. Make these book-humpers his bitches. He made sure his walk was commanding, just as serious as the look on his face. It was just loud enough that the blonde teenaged girl at the check-out desk heard him coming across the carpet. The small smile she’d been trained to wear was quickly wiped away at the sight of her oncoming nightmare: a disgruntled, tall man-child who looked like he was ready to make a deal or make a fight.

“O-oh. Can – can I help you?” she squeaked. Vladimir smirked inwardly as he saw her nervously fingering at the book in her hands. He wordlessly handed her the brochure Anatoly had given him; the very one that started all this shit. The paperwork had been done before Vladimir had even been picked up, with the only remaining bit being his signature (which Anatoly forced out of him). He had no choice but to come, but he was sure as hell going to make it his choice as to whether or not this would be of any use.

“T-the . . . The reform program?” asked the blonde as her eyes flickered back and forth between Vladimir and the pamphlet. The Russian could tell by the way her voice wavered that just on site, she was already intimidated by his presence. The fact that her voice faltered dramatically while saying “reform” only confirmed this further. Good. Like hell I will let this little suka order me about.

“Da,” he responded lowly, expression unchanging. If she was going to act this way, might a well give her something to actually fear. He heard her gulp nervously.

“Oh. Yes, well. Um. I’m Karen,” she introduced. After a quick moment of hesitance, she offered her small hand for a complimentary salutations. After it became apparent that the scary man before her was not in the market for greetings, she slowly retracted it. To fill in the awkward silence, Karen continued, “I kind of intern here . . . Oh, but that’s not exactly important right now. Who you need to meet is (Y/N).” She offered a small smile that curiously made Vladimir suspect that it wasn’t forced at all. “She calls the shots around here, so it’s more important that you meet with her first so that you can get settled.”

Karen’s eyes flickered around the area before landing to a series of shelves located near the back of the building. She pointed at the area with a pen and said, “Last I checked, she should be back there somewhere restacking the Shakespeare collection. I’d show you where precisely but I’m kind of . . . busy . . .” Her voice dropped. It was a bullshit lie if Vladimir had ever seen one.

Vladimir knew that much and he was a combination of pissed and indifferent. He grunted an indication of understanding and took off. It was only when he was far enough from the desk that he realized: Oh shit, the bitch didn’t point him into the exact direction he was supposed to go in. Wait, why did her care? He could totally take advantage of this; a king doesn’t wait on peasants, he could probably just go into the faculty lounge, nick some snacks, and wait for this (Y/N) to find him in there. Vladimir felt a smirk form on his face for a moment. It quickly scurried away, however, when he realized that if he couldn’t read the sign for “Shake-sphere” or whatever, he damn sure couldn’t make out “faculty.” Damn.

He tried his best to not look as panicked as he was beginning to feel but it was more than just difficult: it was embarrassing. He came in here big and bad, ready to raise some hell. But after all that peacocking and whatnot, what did he have to support it? At this point, he couldn’t raise a pencil to write the section he was supposed to be looking in.

“Excuse me, sir, but is there something you’re looking for?” The calm voice somehow broke through the noise Vladimir was most certainly not having in his head. It was light, in that way a person makes their voice to sound more appealing to a potential customer.

“Sir? Can I help you?” She came from behind one of the stack shelves. If it weren’t for the air of leadership or the fact that she had an abundance of keys on a chain hanging from her pocket, he would have just assumed she was yet another peasant.

Having never been much of a reader (that was more so Anatoly’s field), Vladimir did not frequent libraries. He had little to no idea of the diversity of librarians, nor did he really care to know of it. His best idea of what a librarian would look like basically boiled down to two images: a pasty-skinned old white lady with glasses on a chain, wearing a dusty old cardigan and some sort of brooch; or a busty bespectacled younger woman in a pencil skirt, tight and barely buttoned shirt who would take her hair out of its conservative bun before she started sucking your dick in the back of the library stacks.

She was certainly younger than the first category (that, and she was black), but she also didn’t seem to be the blatantly fuckable type like the second. The tight-fitting clothes were nowhere to be seen, instead replaced with an old sweater and well-loved jeans and sneakers. She was short already at a distance, but as her proximity closed in, it was only made more painfully obvious. She was about up to his chest, though just barely. And that wasn’t including the height her poofy, curly dark hair gave her. The lighting overhead showed Vladimir that her skin was the familiar color of peanut paste: a warm brown, smooth-looking. Unfortunately, the look on her face didn’t look as sweet as the treat her complexion resembled.

It was a tired one, a focused one. If this were a fairytale, she would be the one who would attempt to call the ruler out on his foolishness and knock him from the throne. In many of those circumstances, she would have been successful.

“Da,” was Vladimir’s go-to response. If he made his Russian roots clear, then this pipsqueak would surely assume the worst of him and back off. But to his surprise, all he got from her was a nod.

“Ooohhh, you’re the new guy,” she said. She held out her hand, only without the balk that Karen had. Vladimir hesitated to take it but quickly thought that maybe his size compared to hers would throw her off. She didn’t seem fazed as he took her smaller hand into his larger, rougher ones. He made sure to angle his shakes so that one of his many arm tattoos would show. If this girl saw it, however, she didn’t react the way he wanted her to.

“I’m (Y/N). I’m your boss. And,” she let his hand go and made her voice airy in a mock hippie fashion, poising her hands to create an invisible rainbow, “your guide into your new life.” Vladimir swore his scowl was making his facial skin rip at this point. What this little suka mocking him? His teeth gritted when he heard her chuckle a little in sarcasm. “Seriously, though, welcome to the team, Mr . . . Ranskahov? Am I pronouncing it right?”

“Da,” he said lowly.

“Oh, good! Well, if you’ll just follow me to the back, we’ll get you settled with some final paperwork . . .” She was already wandering in the opposite direction before she finished her sentence. Vladimir strongly considered just standing there. He didn’t want to do a damn thing this tiny thing said, especially after her little mockery of his situation. But then he realized it was either follow her and play along, or stay put and look like an idiot. And possibly deal with the nagging wrath of Toly back home.

“You don’t say much, do you?” (Y/N)’s question broke the silence of the faculty lounge. All she needed for him to do was write his name on three sheets, including one waiver form. She simply assumed he was taking as long as he was because he was being difficult. The truth was that even though his own name was one of the very few things he could write in English, it was still done with some difficulty.

Vladimir glanced up with his signature glower. “What makes you say such?” he questioned, his thick accent breaking the silence even harder.

(Y/N) shrugged, “Well, for starters, that right there is the most you’ve said since you got here. So far, all you’ve said was ‘da.’ And I don’t really take you for the shy type, if I must be honest. It’s okay if you’re not a big talker but I’m telling you this now to help you: things will go much smoother if you at least pretend to enjoy the people you’re with.”

The man grunted in response before returning his sights on the ‘r’ in his first name. Things went quiet for only fifteen more seconds.

“But you know? Maybe it’s just a sign that you’re a great listener. So . . . Even if you don’t talk much, surely you’ll learn a lot. That’s great,” the poofy-haired girl added. Immediately, Vladimir felt his grip on the pen tighten. It would’ve snapped into an inky mess if he hadn’t quickly forced himself back into a state of vague composure.

“Behave, listen, don’t get any ideas,” Anatoly said from the depths of his skull. Behave, listen, no ideas. Behave, listen, give them Hell. Behave, listen, blackmail and bribe. Behave, listen, make them bow –

“Hey, are you okay?”

He glanced up at her. Her brows were furrowed enough to become visible beneath the curly pile of locks that fell on her face. “You’ve been on that page for quite a while . . . Look, I understand if you don’t want to be here but – ”

The pen flew in a chicken scratch-y mess across the designated lines – What the hell did these peasants know anyway, it could’ve been cursive for all they could muster up. Wordlessly, he shoved the papers towards her and focused his attention elsewhere. But everywhere he looked, there were words: On magnets, on posters, files, snacks, backpacks, textbooks belonging to the interns, magazines. All in English. All reminders of the main foe at hand. The one thing keeping him from doing whatever the hell he wanted.

He heard (Y/N) hum with approval as she looked over the papers. “Alright. We’re good. Thank you, Mr. Ranskahov, I think this’ll do just fine.” He already hated that smile of hers. It made her cheeks round and soft. Like a little animal he could prey on. He also decided that he hated those eyes of hers when she looked back up at him. They were dark brown, too dark to see her pupils. He couldn’t read her soul and make her feel as scared as he wanted to if he couldn’t pinpoint the exact image of the pupils. Fuck’s sake, this twit was like a conniving rabbit or something –

“—if that’s alright with you.”

“Hm?” Fuck, had he really just spent the entire time thinking about the power she already held over him? As a peasant to a king?!

(Y/N) made that chuckle he already hated. “I was just saying . . . Well, since technically I am the one in charge of you—” (Vladimir felt his eye twitch; [Y/N] didn’t notice, too busy looking for a folder to add his papers into) “—and since I’d like to make sure we’re in a less strict and imposing environment, I thought it’d be better if I just called you Vladimir instead of Mr. Ranskahov. Sound good?”

Vladimir’s facial muscles worked in harmony to keep everything as calm as possible: his nostrils couldn’t flair, his eyes couldn’t form an escalated glare, and his teeth couldn’t grit as loudly. The fucking nerve of this – naporistaya suka! Did she have any idea of what he’d done? The things he’d committed to earn him the tattoos, the scars? Was there a brain underneath all that hair? Did she have a deathwish?

Behave, listen, no ideas. Behave, listen, play along. Behave, listen, lead the rabbit into the den. Behave, listen, then go for the kill.

“Da,” Vladimir’s voice strained. He considered throwing in a smile but instantly decided that that was where he would draw the line in this charade.

Per what was becoming the norm, (Y/N) didn’t seem to notice and was the one doing the smiling once again. “Excellent! Well, we’re not very busy today and there’s not a whole lot I can really have you do until this paperwork is looked over . . . Sooooo . . . Yeah, you’re free to go. See you on Wednesday, Vladimir!”

And with that, (Y/N) turned and waltzed out of the faculty lounge into God knows where, her abundance of curls bouncing and keys jingling with every step.

Vladimir stood wordlessly in the lounge of the S. Lee Public Library for what felt like eons. The S. Lee Library was two blocks from the beginning of Hell’s Kitchen. Eight blocks away from the garage Anatoly would supposed to be at until 5 PM. Vladimir glanced at the clock: 11:47 AM. His face immediately exploded into a nostril-flaring, teeth-gritting, super-glaring mess. He hated those cheeks, those eyes, that laugh –

Fuck it, Vladimir thought as he stormed through the doors for the long, unwanted walk. I hate her!

[luvambrylayn]

Truth or Dare (4)

Characters: AJ Styles and OFC

Warnings: NSFW, Sexual Content, Angst, Fluff, and Fantasy Smut

Short Summary: Mia’s actions come back to haunt her. Also, a Truth or Dare game involving Mia and AJ lead to secrets being discussed and feelings being revealed.

Word Count: 3,823

Other Great Blogs: @llowkeys, @thephenomenonalkingofthebrogues, @wwe-smutfics, @wwesmutdonedirtcheap, @wrasslesmut, @laochbaineann, @thatonegirloncealways, and @crowleysqueenofhell.

Sequel to Gym Antics. Okay you guys, we are nearing the finish line, only about one or two chapters left at the most. Thanks for all the positive feedback on this. This is the first time I’ve tried this on Tumblr and I appreciate those who have encouraged me.

Mia's POV

I am walking backstage. I've been avoiding AJ for the past two weeks. I just feel so stupid. All he did was point out the fact that he paid for our meals. The least I could have done was ate it. He was a really nice guy. It seemed like the nicer he was, the more determined I was to be a complete bitch. Me ruining the nice bed he made for me was mean spirited, but me tossing a glass of lemonade in his face was something else entirely.

I had been spending all of my time with Kevin over the past few weeks in hopes of distracting myself from thinking of AJ. Now, it was Raw and I had a meeting with Stephanie before the show. My heart was pounding. I just hoped that it could be the push I deserve for the Divas Championship.

I get to Stephanie's office and knock on the door. A few seconds later, the door is opened by Stephanie. I look inside and see AJ sitting in a chair in front of her desk. My heart drops as Stephanie welcomes me inside. I glare at AJ. If he snitched, I could be in big trouble. I sit down next to him. Stephanie walks to her chair and sits across from us.

"I called you two here today because a video has gone viral, and it stars you both." Stephanie turns her laptop. It's a gif of me repeatedly throwing my glass of lemonade in AJ's face. I cover my face with my hands in embarrassment.

"It has also come to my attention that you slapped AJ at a gym just an hour prior to this altercation, Ms. Stone." Stephanie continues. My throat closes up. AJ gets up nervously, his concerned eyes locked onto my body.

"It's not her fault. I pushed a few of her buttons. She reacted poorly. Please understand that we were both in the wrong." AJ pleads. Stephanie looks at me with her piercing blue eyes.

"I could understand if she reacted poorly in private. However, these are public scandals. As a result, I am suspending you for four weeks, Mia." Stephanie decides. AJ looks to her.

"What about me?" He challenges. Stephanie sighs.

"We can't afford to lose you. You are a huge draw." In anger, I get up and walk out. AJ runs after me. He grabs me by the arm. I turn and give him a venomous stare. He quickly lets go as he remembers what my slap feels like.

"I'm sorry, that was unfair." He apologizes. I shrug in defeat.

"It's not like it matters." I start to leave before turning back. "I'm guessing that was a subtle warning from Steph if I get into one more fight with you, I'm gone. So I'll see you later." I groan. He nods.

"I promise, I won't be pushing anymore buttons. I swear." He reiterates. His face was genuine, proving once again that he was a kind, handsome man. A light smile appears on my face. He chuckles. "I've never seen that before." He comments. I remain quiet as he strokes my cheek with a gentle hand. I place my hand over his. "You have a beautiful smile." He whispers.

With that, he begins to walk away. I let out a breath. Part of me could not tell if this was part of his show. I shook my head of these thoughts. I wanted to ive AJ the benefit of the doubt After all, he was a good guy. Suddenly, I'm tapped on the shoulder. It is Stephanie. "Oh yeah, you're suspension is effective immediately, leave the premises at once." She instructs.

I close my eyes and roll them so that she does not see before leaving to grab my stuff from the locker room. As I walk out, I walk into Kevin. He looks at me in surprise as he sees my bags by my side.

"What's up? Where are you going?" He asks. I sigh before giving him the summary of my conflict with Stephanie. He shakes his head. "That's bullshit. I'm sorry." He comments before giving me a hug. I nod my head in agreement. I see Stephanie walk by. I am sure that if she saw me she might be tempted to have me escorted away.

"I gotta go." I tell him. He nods in understanding before giving me a kiss on the forehead. I get to my rental car with my belongings and drive to the hotel.

I get to my hotel room and feel admittedly lonely. It was still early so I pull out my phone and observe my contacts in hopes of finding someone to talk to.

KO 🐻 AJ 🍆💦 Sami 💞 💯 Bo$$ Straight Fire🔥 Lunatic Dean 🍻 Paige 😈 Mom 👵 Dad 👴 Chris 👦 👑 Barrett Mallory 🖕 Landon 🔫

Just talked to Kevin. AJ. My love bug Sami, Sasha, Becky, Dean's just my drinking buddy, Paige, Ma, Pa, Bro, the Ex, the Whore, the Asshole. I sigh, I should probably delete the last two. My eyes go back to AJ's name, despite all that had gone on today, the only one I wanted to talk to was AJ.

AJ's POV

I'm at Raw. I can't stop thinking about what happened with Mia and Stephanie. It was completely unfair how poorly Stephanie treated her. I shake my head. I couldn't think about that just yet. I had a promo to cut with The Miz and Chris Jericho. Then, I was going to be there for Daniel Bryan's retirement announcement. This tugs at mt heart again. I am sure Mia knew Daniel Bryan more than I did, and here I wad attending his retirement announcement while she had been banned.

I get into my rental car and relive the last few moments of my life. I had just met Daniel, but he seemed like a great guy. It was unfortunate that I'd never get to work with him. While it was a sad moment, I was left even sadder due to the fact that Mia could not be there. She would have enjoyed the event.

As I drive, my mind keeps wandering back to Mia. Her long, flowing, brown hair, brilliant blue eyes, supple lips, humble breasts. My dick begins to strain itself against the fabric of my jeans. I look up to the sky. "God, please not now." I spit. It becomes clear that my erection has a mind of its own. I roll my eyes and pull up to the side.

Luckily, there does not seem to be much traffic. I unzip my fly and pull out my cock. I begin to stroke it as I imagine Mia in the passenger's seat. She leans down and wraps her lips around my cock. She begins to suck. I push my head back as she continues to stroke. Her tongue moves down and makes its way down to my balls. She flicks my balls with her tongue. As she works, my unit continues to harden. I take a hand and guide her back to my shaft.

She now can only make her way down half of me. I start to move my hips up and down. Mia looks up at me with those beautiful blue eyes. They are watering. I notice strands of her hair are going out in all sorts of directions. In order to help her, I grab a handful of het hair and hold it back as I face fuck her. She starts to push off of my thighs. I look at her with a loving gaze.

"Please Mia, do this for me." I beg. She nods as she attempts to deep throat me. Her lips get lower and lower until it has reached the base. She sticks her tongue out and laps at my balls. She seems to be hungry for my cum, doing whatever she can to pleasure me. I am ready to give it to her. My phone vibrates, but I ignore it. "Yeah Mia, take my cum." I growl as my cock starts to shoot jets of cum onto my dashboard.

My eyes widen in shock at my thoughts. You're married man! I rebuke myself. I grab a cloth and start to clean up. My phone vibrates again. I pull if out see that Mia has invited me to her room to talk. Without thinking, I text back, agreeing to the plan. I put on the radio and drive the rest of the way only thinking about the music.

I have already set my stuff up in my room. I get to Mia's room and knock. "It's open!" Mia calls out. I walk inside and smell food cooking. Music is playing and I can't help but smirk. A second or two later, Mia comes out dancing.

My eyes immediately go to her hips, swinging and rotating smoothly, as if natural. She stops as soon as she sees me. I laugh a bit as she holds her face in embarrassment and hurries over to the food.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt you or anything." I apologize. She shakes her head.

"No worries. If anything, I'm more sorry that you had to see that." She admits. I place a hand on her shoulder.

"I don't know why, you're were a pro dancer." I remind her. She smiles and nods before continuing to cook. I look at it, my mouth watering. She chuckles under her breath.

"Chicken Marsala. I couldn't keep watching the Daniel Bryan thing, too sad. So, I went shopping for food." She explains.

"Looks good, Honey." Without thinking, I kiss Mia on the cheek. As I walk away, my eyes bulge out from my skull. I turn and see a similar expression on her face.

However, it turns into a laugh. "Yeah, anyone can tell that you just got out of a relationship." She teases. I cross my arms.

"What does that mean?" I challenge. She shrugs.

"Nothing. It's just funny that the first time you come home to a woman cooking a meal, it immediately brings you back to your wife." She explains.

"Well, either way, I'm sorry. It was a mistake. It won't happen again." I mutter angrily, slamming the door to the bathroom behind me.

Before I can lock it, Mia comes in. I'm sat on the side of the bathtub. She sits beside me on the toilet seat. She takes a deep breath.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you." I meet her eyes, how should I respond?

Mia's POV

"I'm sorry if I touched a nerve. Look, it was an accident. You had an impulse. I'm sure you'll get Willa back. This just proved you still love her." I encourage.

"I don't want her back. It's true, I love her, I'll always love her in some way. I mean hell, we have three children together. I guess I just want her to be happy. Even if that means we're just friends." He explains. She nods and places a hand over mine.

"Then I'll help you reach that." I tell him. He looks at me with those beautiful eyes of his. My eyes begin to study his face.

His nose was cute and proportionate to the rest of his face. The wrinkles on his forehead that betrayed his otherwise youthful appearance. His lips, pink and plump, despite his age. I mean his haircut sucked, but he was actually very handsome.

I get up and offer him a hand. He accepts it and we walk over to the kitchen. I burnt the chicken a bit, but otherwise, I hope it's a good meal. I make him a plate before making myself one. We both sit down across from one another. In my hand is a glass of wine while AJ has a glass of water.

"So, this whole friendship with Kevin Owens, how did that start?" He asks. I laugh.

"Well, at first we didn't like one another. We didn't actually become friends until I became friends with Sami. Sami pushed Kevin to help train me. After some time that I trained under both of them, I learned that they are both great guys." I explain.

"So, at first, you were just using him, but then it blossomed into a beautiful friendship?" He sums up. I shake my head.

"Not really, I love that man. He's like the brother I never had. Even though I have a brother." I admit. AJ nods.

"What happened with you and Wade?" He asks. I smile and take a sip of wine.

"He fell in love with another woman. Avery. I think her name was. All I know is that they have a son together, and are happy with one another." I answer. AJ drinks his water.

"Now what is this, 20 questions?" I tease. He takes another drink as he finishes up the meal.

"No, I'm more of a truth or dare type of guy." He admits. I finish my own meal and stand up.

"Then by all means, let's play." I suggest.

AJ's POV

I clean up the dishes as Mia finishes off her glass of wine. To my relief, she does not get drunk before she puts the wine away in the fridge. She sits, down, leaning her back on the couch. I join her with my glass of water. I face her with a smile. "Since you already asked me a couple of questions. You go first. Truth or Dare?" She decides. I shrug.

"Truth." I choose. She narrows her eyes.

"How bad can we go with this?" She asks. I chuckle.

"Is that your question?" He teases. I shake my head as she shakes her head. I shrug. "I am a Christian boy, but since you have had a bad day I will make an exception and say that you can push farther than other people can." I tell her. She nods.

"Okay, I know you have a poor relationship with your parents, can you elaborate?" She asks. My eyes widen.

"God that's your first question. Okay, poor is putting it lightly, but I was born in a Marine base. I lived with an older brother, my mother, and my father." I pause. Mia sighs.

"I'm sorry, that was a bad question don't answer." She offered. I shook my head.

"It's fine. I've been fine with my childhood for a long time now. Anyway, we were poor growing up in Georgia. My pops liked to drink. And when he drank, he also liked to hit me, my brother, and my mom. God I begged my mother so many times to get us away from him, but she never did." A tear began to form in my eye. I wiped it away and cleared my throat. Mia crawled over to me and hugged me.

Her scent filled my nostrils. We seperated, our lips inches from each other. Our eyes locked, she sat back and smiled. I adjusted myself through my jeans.

"Anyway I got married to my wife Willa when we were seniors in high school. As soon as I could I was gone." I conclude. She nods, as if processing the information. "Your turn, truth or dare?" I challenge. She smiles lightly.

"Dare." She answers. I clap my hands together.

"Prank call Kevin." I suggest. She laughs.

"I do that on a regular day, but okay." She jokes as she pulls out her phone. She hits *67 before calling him. After a few rings, the phone picks up.

"Mia, don't have time for this, I'm tired, good night." With that, he hangs up.

"Shit, he knew it was me. Well, technically I did it. So truth or dare?" I cross my arms at her technicality before smiling.

"Truth." I repeat. She frowns. As I take a sip.

"No fun. Okay, this will be a lighter question. How many different people have you had sex with?" Mia asks. I spit the water out. She laughs as I wioe the water from my self. It has soaked my shirt. I am trying to dry it. Mia rolls her eyes. "Give it to me, I'll throw it in the dryer." She offers. I remove my shirt. I feel a bit awkward as I am now shirtless.

She leaves for a second as I try to get my wits about me. She returns with a tank top. "Might be too small for you but it is all I got." She says. I put it on and it is indeed too small, but it still does it's job. "So, how many?" She repeats. I take a deep breath.

"Two." I answer. She chuckles.

"Who?" She asks. I shake my finger at her playfully.

"No, no, no, that's two." I point out. She pouts, looking annoyingly cute.

"Damn it. Fine. Willa, obviously. But I lost my virginity when I was fourteen to another woman." I clarify. She covers her hand over her mouth playfully. I chuckle. "Truth or Dare?" I prompt.

"Truth." She switches it up. I smile.

"Name all of your sexual partners." I shoot back. She rolls her eyes.

"Well, there's my ex Wade and then a fling with Sheamus." She answers. My eyes widen.

"You had sex with Sheamus?" I am in shock. She shakes her head.

"Only like two times. I was rebounding from Wade and as a result we didn't work out." She clarifies.

I nod. "Wait, what about Landon?" I risk asking. She takes a deep breath and I immediately regret asking the question.

"We never had sex. I wanted to do it right with, wait until I was married. He couldn't wait, so he fucked my best friend." She admits.

"Well that's cause he's a boy who only thinks with his trouser snake if you know what I mean." I joke. I cringe but to my surprise she lets out a chuckle. "I am sure the right man will come along and wait as long as he needs to." I encourage. She looks to me. I am filled with guilt as I look down at my feet. She runs a hand through her dark hair.

"Okay, truth or dare?" She asks. I smirk.

"Truth." I answer. She looks at her fingers nails, as if thinking of a question. She seems conflicted. As if she is unsure if she wants to ask this next question. Or rather, if she wants to know the answer to her next question.

"What do you think of me?" She asks. I chuckle.

"What do you mean?" I ask. She sighs.

"It's pretty simple. What do you think of me?" She repeats. I sigh.

"I think you are a talented young woman." I state. She scoffs.

"Come on AJ that's a cop out and you know it." She challenges. I let out a breath.

"Where is this coming from? Why do you care?" I ask. She sits back.

"Because, I think you are a great guy. That's the only reason I give you so much shit. I feel as if my entire life is falling apart and you want to be there for me. I've never had that before. I don't deserve it. So that is why I threw lemonade in your face that is why I slapped you. You are so great, I guess I am just suspicious that you show so much kindness to a piece of shit like me." She rants. I sigh and crawl over to her.

I bring her into me and hug her. "You are far from a piece of shit Mia. You are beautiful, headstrong, and by that I mean stubborn as hell. But in a way I like that about you. I feel as though you walk into a room and command some damn respect. Not through your language, but your body. You are an amazing person who has been through some not amazing things. So if you wonder what I think about you I think you are the most special person I have ever met. After my kids." I tease. She looks up at me, tears in her eyes.

"Thank you." She whispers. She looks so vulnerable, her eyes wide, her lips quivering. Without thinking I kiss her. My eyes widen as to my surprise she deepens the kiss. She sits on my lap and wraps her legs around my waist as we kiss. I stand up and sit down on the couch. Her kisses start to trail from my lips to my jaw. Her lips tickle my stubble as I groan. She breaks the kiss and peels the tank top off of me.

We continue our lip lock. I push my tongue forward, begging for entrance into her mouth. She allows me and my tongue starts to explore her mouth as my hands wander over her body. Her own hands tracing every muscle on my frame including my arms, chest, and abs. Her hands begin to travel further south, palming me through my jeans. It is at that moment that Willa flashes through my mind. I lift Mia off. She fixes her hair which got messed up a bit in the make out session.

"What? Did I do something wrong? Was I not good?" She asks. I shake my head.

"No you were great. It's just that I am still married." I hurry to her dryer and retrieve my shirt. I slip it on and hurry to the door. Mia appears behind me.

"We'll do you want to hang out again some time?" She asks. I sigh.

"This cannot happen again I'm sorry." I apologize. She smiles weakly, my heart aches for her but Willa must remain a priority.

"It won't I'm sorry. From this point on we are friends." She assures. I remain silent. "Please." She whispers. I nod.

"Friends." With that, I leave, afraid to look back, afraid of what might happen between Mia and Me if I do.

Mia's POV

I closed the door behind AJ. I take out my phone and play the message that AJ had accidentally sent to me earlier. "Yeah Mia, take my cum." As soon as I heard AJ's groan, I felt a tremor in my pussy. I knew that I needed him inside me. I am kicking myself. I did everything I could. I made him dinner, I bonded with him, I even got him to make the first move. The only thing I didn't do was get him drunk. I was tempted to try, but I knew I couldn't do that.

I wanted him, but I would do it the right way. I knew that I had my work cut out from me. Willa was the mother of his children. But I knew that if given the chance, I could make him happy. We both want each other sexually, if I can just build a stronger bond, I might be able to actually have something more with him.

[saveyourblood]

Enchanted: Part 4

Summary: Silence was something you had gotten used to living in as a half-deaf high school student. Your life was dull and your voice never used. You didn’t hate it; hell, it was your own choice. You just never understood the point in speaking if people weren’t going to listen.

Now, after finding a high school sweetheart, you feel like your old self again. Your life remains imperfect all the same, but at least you could find happiness. After a tragic event leaves your godsend of a gift in shambles, you’re taught a valuable lesson by the teacher life itself.

Silence can be a beautiful thing.

Notes: Part 4 is here, guys! I hope you like it :) Huge thanks to the cuties MK and Claire (@falling-for-fandoms )! You beauts are a gift <3 

**as stated before, I am NOT trying to romanticize this kind of thing**

Pairing: romantic Dean x Reader

Word Count: 1.4k+

Song: Daughter - Smoke

Warnings: Angst, hospitals, talk of death, panic attack, crying, yeah..

Enchanted Masterlist

“You should really get some sleep,” Sam stood with his shoulder pressed against the doorway, arms crossed. His voice was gentle and coaxing, though you could feel a soft argument arising if you objected.

2 days. 2 days since Dean was first rushed to the hospital, and you felt like you were slowly going mad with despair. 2 days he’s been asleep with a head injury that you didn’t quite understand, nor did you care to learn about. You heard a doctor mention that the reason he hadn’t woken up was because it was medically induced, as his leg had just been operated on and the rest of his body needed to heal itself. It sounded completely unrealistic, but apparently his concussion was hardly a factor. That didn’t mean it wasn’t severe in certain ways, but you were grateful all the same.

“It feels like I can hardly breathe,” your voice sounded like a strangled animal from a mix of tears and hardly being able to hear it in the first place, but you kept talking, “-like he’s dying and taking me with him.”

“He’s not, Y/N,” Sam wasted no time replying. “He’s not dying. You know that.”

You had no idea what to say to that, so you kept staring at your unconscious boyfriend’s face, admiring how peaceful he looked. It almost brought you ease.

“-And I know that he would want you to take care of yourself,” the boy continued as he stepped into the room, slowly making his way over to the other side of the bed.

“I need to be here when he’s awake,” your voice grew weaker. You didn’t want to fight. You just didn’t want to leave.

“No, you need to be awake, just like he’ll be,” he spoke as if it was so simple. “You’ll want to remember everything you talk about, and that won’t happen if you’re running off of coffee and your own nerves.”

You were beginning to cave, knowing he was right. “What if he wakes up and i’m not here?”

“Then I’ll call you,” Sam let out a soft sigh. “Go home, Y/N. Eat something, take a shower, and get some real sleep. I won’t leave his side.”

“Thank you, Sam,” your voice was back to it’s regular, hardly above a whisper volume as you stood up. You didn’t bring anything with you; the bag you brought to the football game was brought home with your mother on the first night you spent at the hospital. You weren’t responding to anyone’s words, not even theirs; they didn’t dare try to force you to come home.

The two of you met halfway at the end of the bed, him engulfing you into his arms. “Take care, Y/N. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

///

Hot water pouring over your hair and face felt better than you could imagine. Although it hadn’t been long since your last shower, the cleanliness was amazing all the same. It soaked your hair and skin, jutting onto your closed eyelids as you basked in the sensation.

Soon, however, grief once again began to take over.

“Stop, don’t think…” you whispered, placing your hands on the cold tiles in an attempt to ground yourself. Your head was bowed as the water now streamed over you, your eyes squeezed shut as you tried to prevent the oncoming panic.

Dean tumbling helplessly to the ground. You watching, horrified, from the stands. Seeing him laying in the middle of the grass, helpless. You sprinting out onto the field as fast as your legs could possibly carry you.

Your breaths grew shallow and ragged, trying to regain the steadiness of your own two feet.

Your voice echoing so loud throughout the stadium.

“Is he okay?!”

A voice responding.

“Miss, you need to step back. The ambulance is coming.”

Worry consuming your very form.

Hesitant steps backwards.

Words of doubt betraying your own mind.

“Is he even breathing?”

Slowly, you sunk to the bottom of the shower, covering your ears and rocking back and forth. You must have looked like a child getting yelled at rather than someone who’s a victim of their thoughts.

“He’s broken…” you hiccupped as the event was still playing out behind your closed eyes. You saw the coaches and players crowding around him, only to scatter as Dean was being placed on the gurney.

“I’m broken…” the whisper escaped from your mouth, feeling impossible to control.  The ambulance was now driving away, you unallowed to be by his side, as you weren’t a blood relative. You didn’t realize your arm was stretched out and hand open, as if you expected him to take it like he did on all those walks through the park.

“We’re so damn broken…” But there you were, with no one’s hand to hold.

“Y/N?” you were standing in the middle of the field, a familiar sounding voice that you couldn’t quite distinguish. It sounded drowned out, as if you were distorted from reality.

“Y/N!” the person called again, snapping your head up. You were back in your bathroom, only the sound of the shower head pouring down on your crouched form reaching your ears.

“Sweetie, lunch is done!” your mother called again, but you stood sitting at the bottom of your shower, forehead resting against your knees pulled close to your body.

///

Just as you had assumed, Sam was sitting in the chair next to Dean’s bed when you entered the room the next day. He offered you a weak smile as you stepped into the room, you returning with a half smile of your own.

“Did you sleep last night?” He asked, running a hand down his face. His tired eyes spoke their own piece, telling you there was no point in rebounding the question.

You nodded your head gently, hand trailing down the pouch of your knitted bag you had with you. “It’s your turn to go home.” Sam opened his mouth to object, but before the words could be let out, you raised a hand to stop him. “Not all day. Just half, a few hours at most. Do yourself a favor and get some good tasting coffee in you and some sleep that doesn’t make your back hurt like crazy.”

Same as you did yesterday, he gave up the possibility of an actual argument, slowly rising out of the chair. “The doctor said he’ll probably wake up today.”

“And I’ll call you if he does, not a second later, okay?” You promised, setting a comforting hand on his upper arm. “Go take care of yourself for me. For him.”

Sam looked like a hurt puppy, which broke your heart, but he nodded anyways, pulling you into a goodbye hug once again. He too had hardly anything to gather: simply picking up his jacket from the foot of the bed and softly shutting the door behind him.

You pursed your lips as you dropped your bag to the floor, buried in thought as it slid down from your shoulder to your arm. “Last night I ate dinner at home,” you began speaking, knowing very well that no one, especially Dean, could hear you. Logic stood strong as he continued to lay on the bed, looking lifeless. No response arose from him, physical or otherwise; he simply laid there with the plastic cannula in his nose, IV in his arm and monitors on his chest. “My father talked about his day at work, said his annoying co-worker was tolerable. My mom said she spent some time out with friends, told me the coffee shop that just opened is really great. It was… normal. And I hated it.” Your eyes were watering as you sunk into the chair, taking Dean’s hand in yours. Despite him being unconscious, it felt warm. The comfortable and familiar feeling brought ease to your anxious form.

“I hated it because it feels like my world is ending, and I want everyone’s to end too. I don’t wanna be the only one is pain,” your voice grew even quieter than usual as tears cascaded down your cheeks, steady beeping of the heart monitor making sure the room was never too quiet. “I want to be happy, like everyone around me. I want my boyfriend to be okay.”

You let out a soft sob, covering your mouth with your free hand for a moment before forcing yourself to regain your composure. “It’s so stupid… All I wanted was for you to be my knight in shining armor… this is what I get for that… I’m sorry, Dean. I’m so sorry.”

Staring at his sleeping face, tears flooded to your eyes again, making you avert your gaze to the floor.

When his hand squeezed yours very lightly, however, your head snapped up to attention.

“You’ll always be my speakless beauty.”

Part 5?

Tags: @sleepywinchester @loveitsallineed @winchestersnco @impalapossible @elroymarvelous @raeganr99 @dontsassmecastiel @bitch-i-am-a-dean-girl @faithlov3hope @the-sarcastic-mess @supernatural-harrypotter7 @anabel-rose @district-12-erudite @nerdysandwichqueen @spnici @number-one-supernatural-trash @chelseypaigeake @superbluhoo2 @b-enfield14 @anaestheticfangirl @winterwolf57 @bubblebathsandsarcasm @wildfirewinchester @rainingangelwings @ruined-by-destiel @hymnofthevalkyries @everyday-supernatural-af @fairytalesexistxx @brokenwings395 @melora-barton @confusedascas @girl-next-door-writes @lakama15 @phillion-howell56785 @duherica @batmmgray @chelsea072498 @princess-joe37 @thelandofspntrash @sis-tafics @16wiishes @sinceriouslyamellpadalecki @jaylovesfrance77 @polaroidgilmores @growningupgeek @whydoyouwantmetosaymyname @spn-fan-girl-173 @cascar24 @macndeath @stilinski15 @tattooedluci @trinityjadec @idontexerciseiexorcise @sugar-plum-harrypotter-obsessed @jensensjaredsandmishaslover @sinnersinning  @the--gorgeous @kristaparadowski @amaranthinecastiel @thegreatficmaster @starswirlblitz @my-supernatural-dreams @liveyourlifemeraki @just-a-touch-of-crowley @superlocktrash7983 @the-fancy-dog @bonnie4lyfe @demonic-meatball @bananakid42 @theplaidshirtmadness @spnbuckytrash @cojootromuelle @supernatural-squadd @ria132love @mpankey11 @yoursmilemakesmeloveyou

[angel78]

another failed attempt at seeing a new therapist

its literally pointless to try anymore. its honestly not even about “getting better” anymore its about the fact that i just want to be figured the fuck out already. i want to get it all out i want to understand i want to know what happened to me and what the hell is wrong with me... but i guess i’ve always done that myself anywhere. 

i have learned everything i have come to understand about myself in writing and art, mainly my own because that is where i am sorting myself out, but of course with others’ work as well. 

i was never allowed to see a therapist growing up, my parents didnt believe in mental illness and thought i was just crazy or dramatic or whatever else ive said it here before plenty of times. once i left renfrew i tried one or two but one i couldnt afford and the other made me uncomfortable. i had one therapist in wvu that didn’t help or understand at all and just made me feel like i was psycho and straight up would ask me if i paid before i sat down ???? when i finally came back to jersey, i tried to see another therapist in february and she turned me down entirely and said she could not help me or see me because i needed higher care and she couldnt be responsible for that. then finally i began seeing a therapist at my school who saw me for a few months who i thought i might finally be able to get something out of, maybe, but she told me she had to stop seeing me because i was too sick too and needed a higher care and i told her i refused to go to anything inpatient so she straight up said she cant help me anymore but we could have an appointment to find a good program for me and i never went because fuck you for that. right when things started peaking again she just didn’t want to help me anymore. i understand the “ethics” behind seeing someone who you deem “too unwell” to only be attending an hour long therapy session once a week but for gods sake she knew all of the reasons i couldnt do that and some of them were kind of bullshit in her opinion like me refusing to put school on hold again but some of them were fucking valid like money and not having a car at the time to even do an outpatient if i tried and my parents and just everything. 

then finally a few weeks ago i started seeing a new therapist, literally like the day after finding out my boyfriend has fucking cancer, and i saw her three times, spent the first two times having an insurance/money battle in the beginning, and the second time waited for her for 7 minutes after my appt was supposed to start and she still cut me off right after the allotted time was up technically not giving me the appropriate 45 full minutes ???? but not only that she called me by the wrong name ???? only says elementary shit like “so how are depression and anxiety” and just nods and doesnt offer any feedback when i talk. she didnt try at all to get to know my circumstances like i always had to fish for things to talk about because she couldnt even start asking me questions of her own since the first session which like how is that supposed to help me i came here because I NEED HELP and then even though the insurance sent me a document with this therapists specializations and eating disorders WERE LISTED AS ONE OF THEM she says that she doesnt know much about eating disorders and isnt trained in them so she doesnt know how to really help and she then went on to tell me she thinks i just need a higher care and that we could have our last session (the following week from last thursday which would have been tomorrow) so we can find a program together that i should start ???? yeah nice way to say see you never and take another $50 from me when you cant even rememebr my FUCKING NAME WHEN ITS SITTING ON YOUR COMPUTER SCREEN IN FRONT OF YOU AND YOU LITERALLY LISTED EATING DISORDERS IN YOUR SPECIALIZATIONS WHEN YOU APPARENTLY KNOW NOTHING ABOUT THEM ACCORDING TO YOU sorry im livid but anyway now im back to no therapist and that makes a consecutive three suggesting i needed a higher care but i guess at least this one was just a complete idiot and didnt say she refused to help me anymore 

so i just wanted to post a rant update about that and i guess from here i will just continue

i started class and my last week of training for my new serving job yesterday, i had class at 8:00 after not sleeping all night and have three more classes and then training again, i look cute today but no one lked my selfies on twitter so that was very nice also, im speeding frivolously, and ,,,,

my mom and i got into two big dumb fights over the last week over something so stupid but as always she had to go on and curse me off and tell me she doesnt want me in “her house” which is really funny because how can you call it your house when you 1) dont even have a job therefore do not pay bills 2) my dad, as much as he hurts me, just had to get a second job again to support my family when my mom doesnt even have one and doesnt even love my dad anymore but she’ll reap the benefits of having a man willing to do that for her 3) she literally left us like two months ago to live with her friend then decides to come back because “it was hard driving back and forth and i couldnt see the kids everyday” which honestly, to me, translates to it was too hard coming here every day just to bake cakes 4) she told me whenever she does get money (somehow???) she has full intentions of moving out and getting her own place so even if she did have money i guess making this number 5) she would be PUTTING IT TO GETTING HER OWN PLACE AND NOT THE HOUSE ANYWAY SO I REST MY CASE DOESNT LOOK LKE YOUR HOUSE TO ME BITCH and i left sunday night and went to be with vincent and i get to sleep with him all week and then yesterday my mom tried to send me a meme so i would respond and laugh and we could pretend nothing happened but im tired of doing that im tired of acting like just because im their child i dont deserve an apology like fuck if i dont even deserve help on my medical bills ???? i think i at the very least deserve an apology every now and again ???? especially since they are a signficant part of the reason I AM THIS WAY and then yesterday my dad texted me asking where ive been and i told him what happened and actually tried to have a mature conversation and tell him how i felt like an adult and why i dont think my mom acted fairly and he literally left me on read so thats how my family life is going

otherwise eating is impossible unless its in capsule form and and im overly paranoid and i cant drive without imagining a parallel universe every car that comes into my vicinity somehow crashes into me and not even in the suicidal way literally in the twitching at the sight of an approaching vehicle and shaking my head and closing my eyes while driving because all i can see are these traumatizing visions of things that have never happened to me and im really depressed and i have no friends 

and i really sound like a whiney bitch right now but i havent posted much about whats going on in my life lately and clearly !!!! i dont have a therapist to tell !!!!

i keep wanting to write and have fragments of words but it doesnt feel right yet and i know that

i have no money and my phone and car bills are due next week and i wont be making any money until next week MAYBE

literally the only good thing right now is that vincent is doing pretty well, its really hard to see him this way a lot of the time but its getting easier because im getting used to seeing him bald or how little he eats or helping him when he’s sick, as far as we know the chemo seems to be doing what its supposed to do, he is doing well, i hope it stays that way because he’s literally everything to me and the only thing that makes me want to be on this earth 

[thebrightestringaroundthemoon]

anyway time to use this blog for what i created it for i guess and type out a big long thing about how im a worthless piece of shit and should pour myself a nice big glass of creamer, sugar, and clorox. i literally serve like? no purpose? in life? at all? im a completely directionless failure that operates with about the complexity of a fucking roomba, running into the same goddamn couch over and over again and slightly redirecting. if i get lucky, i run into a different couch, but nothing fucking changes. i do the exact same thing over and over again: surround myself with wonderful, fantastic people, fuck it up and make them hate me, and then spiral into a pit of my own pointless fucking despair until i realize im such a fucking failure of a person i cant even muster the energy it takes to fucking die so i just get up again in the morning and go again. rinse and fucking repeat. and its not like i have some horrible life or anything, im just profoundly unfit to exist on this planet. i have wonderful friends who actually, honest to god care about me and its evidently not good enough for me?? so i just respond to everything by assuming the worst, spiralling, and being too much of a dumb bitch to fucking talk to A N Y B O D Y about A N Y T H I N G cuz i guess i’d rather make a dumb edgy tumblr blog named after the lyrics to a fucking asia song than actually solve any of my problems. i guess its too much to solve a problem when the fundamental core of who you are as a person is the fucking problem. i mean, there is a solution, but ive already covered why nobody needs to be worried about me doing that! bnobody needs to be worried about me doing anytuhing! accomplishing anything! ever becoming anything! ever managing to do much more than drag myself out of bed in the morning and inspire a profoundly sad mixture of pity and annoyance in everyone iv’e ever come into fucking contact with! im sitting here debating fixing the fucking apostrophe in the last sentence and its driving me fucking mad while real people have real fucking problems and my cardboard cutout ass bad edgy teen novel stupid bitch excuse for a person ass is sitting here doing THIS with my fucking time. I have things i shuold be doing, could be doing, but this is legitimately all i can bring myself to fucking contribute to society at this point. the surest sign that the people around me are fucking saints is that theyve stuck around this fucking long but honestly i dont fucking undeerstand. i guess thats the whole point of shit like saints, you arent supposed to be able to understand, its superhuman compassion, even for those who dont fucking deserve it. or maybe its just because i fundamentally dont work. i dont have any sort of actual power when it comes to my life. these are the idle musings of a bewildered spectator, the one person who comes to the party, stays sober, and sits on the sidelines and watches the fucking idiocy unfold. except instead of drunkenly stumbling around and telling my friends how much i love them, im stone cold sober and sitting on the sidelines watching myself fail to take even the most basic fucking steps towards fixing literally any problem that im dealing with. broken. non functional. i dunno if i was born a failure, though. i think that might be giving myself a little too much credit. other people were dealt infinitely worse hands than i was and they turned out fucking wonderful. i know a couple of them. no, i think im the way i am because of me. i probably had all the chances i needed to become something resembling a human being, and instead im whatever i am now. how can i be excited about some sort of future for myself when i can barely manage a relatively privliged day to day existance? i have friends, im not starving, im in college, i have an apartment. im far from rich but im able to afford to go to college. that should be enough. why the fuck isnt that enmough. why cant i just be fucking satisfied why cant i muster some sort of positive fucking emotions why does joy last a few moments why can i do this so much easier than writing anything positive about my life why does this flow like it does like a fucking river why cant i stop my hands why why what the fuck why why am i like this why was i born why am i who i am it flows so easily it just comes out but i cant tell anyone and i cant rely on anyone because im not anyone in noone im the fucking nobody that people keep around them to make themselves feel better and the only reason i have the slightest bit of doubt about that is that i love my friends too much to ever accuse them of something like that but then again does it fucking count when its someone like me do i qualify as a fucking person does it count as hurting someone’s feelings or using them when that someone isn’t a someone is just an empty fucking shell that was only gifted with the capacity to retain HURT thats all i can fucking remember thats all that sticks with me HURT i cant fucking be rid of it and its not some sort of innate inherent biological failing its who i am as a person i did this to myself i do this to myself i dont know that i will ever stop doing this to myself. all i can hope for is that one day i gain the strrength the fucking self esteem and self respect to kill myself. maybe it isnt self respect i need for that but respect for my friends. its selfish to put them through me. the pain they’d feel from my death would last a short time if at all. it would be so much better than forcing them to know me for however long this failing fucking body will carry my empty shell of a spirit onwards thjrough a world that i dont deserve to fucking inhabit. my inner monologyue put on paper sounds like a fucking evanescence song and i hate myself for it so much jesus fucking christ. i fundamentally do not like myself. as a person. on any level. i do not like myself. i wouldnt be friends with me, and ironically i hate myself for that too. but who would? who the fuck would? why does anyone? do they? maybe thats my one fucking talent. convincing people im likable. worming my way into their fucking lives until they trust me only to realize that i am not a human being. im an empty shell, a fucking roomba of a person. i can tell when ive run into something and back up so i can run into it again. i cannot solve my own problems. i cannot even conceptualize them. im something below a human cursed with the fucking ability to think at the level of one. my ocd is really really desperately trying to get me to scroll up and fix all the spelling and grammar errors but i dont know if itll hurt more to ignore them or to have to read the dumb ashit i just wrote. earlier i said that i wanted this to flow less easily and here we are i guess. though earlier i meant it in the context of only being able to properly conceptualize negative feelings and never being abkle to hold onto anything piositive i feel, and that hasn’t been magically fixed or anything, im just having trouble feeling anything at all now. im a completely blank slate. i havent even cried once troday. i cant. i cant care about my own fucking inadequacy and failure as a very basic human being enough to even fucking cry. i cried about an anime a couple nuights ago. i can muster emotion for that. but as soon as i look inwards i dont see ahyuthing thEres NOTHING FUICKING THERE THERE IS NOTHING FUCKING THERE THERE IS NOTHING FUCKING THERE I AM NOT A HUMAN BEING I AM NOT A HUMAN BEING I AM BROKEN I AM EMPTY I AM A {PLAGUE ON WHOEVER HAS THE PURE FUCKING MISFORTUNE TO BE A GOOD ENOUGH PERSON TO TAKE PITY ON ME i dont want to die, even. too many steps, too much feeling, too much. i just want to stop. to end. i want to no longer be. ill lock tghat away with all the other things id love to happen but know never will. that ones at the forefront though. it always will be. until i grow the fucking compassion to put others out of my misery. my roomate just texted me an innocuous questiona nd i texte d bacjk normally emojis and all im normal dont you see everyone im normal nothings wrong with me. oh sure sometimes i have a bad day but im fine everybody IM FINE you aren’t you have to put up with me ill fucking worm my way into your life and convince you im a real human being you can hold a congersation with only to snatch the fucking rug out from under you as soon as you actually attempt to engage with me on any level and i just end up eiother hurting you or revealing accidently that there is no such thing as luna thats not a fucking person its a name assigned to a loose collections of disorders, bad habits, and a gaping emotional black hoile from which nothing can fucking escape, jammed into an ugly broken body thats going to kill me early and doesnt even compensate by making me hot. wHEE. and of course, unable to be happy with anything, i will simultaneously complain about my own impending death due to horrific nutrition, subastance abuse (just the fun kinds so people dont realize anything is wrong WHEEEE) and some fucky illness that ive now gone and stopped medicating because im a stupid worthless bitch, AND I WILL COMPLAIN ABOUT THIS WHILE SIMULATENOUSLY WANTING TO DIE what do i want? who the fuck knows! not me! that’s a redundant statement, of course “me” doing know bercause thats not a thing im not a person! id love to blame it on my complete and total internal faliure as a person that i always end up hurting people, but honestly its probably because i dont put enough fucking effort in. even right now,. literally hours after a good friend of mine ostaroted feeling like shit in a way that is almost for sure my fucking fault, im doing THIS instead of trying to right the situation (to b fair she made a point of not inviting me but inviting the rest of the group?) or did she am i just reading into this? who knows! who the fuck knows! everyone but “me”! ejveryone else knows! becayuse its probably REALALLY FUCKING SIMPLE BUT NOOOOO I CANT EVEN MANAGE THAT CAN I I CANNNOT EVEN FUCKING MANMAGE TO MANAGE THAT CAN I thats too much for lil ol me! i am aggressively pointless! i am the single least important collection of fucking atoms on this planet! every last fucking rock i stepped on walking to and from the class that i skipped half of today is more important and has contribtued more to the grand scheme of things than i ever have or ever will, and thats jkust the inanimate fucking objects on the ground. lets not even get started on all the actual people whose time my existance waste, who i am a fucking affront to  by sheer virtue of being in any way associated with them at any point in time ever. i guess this is it, this is what i get when my entire personlaity is a loosely cobbled together collection of self deprecating jokes and a fake ego, desperately attempting to patch over an interior that has holes in it less than it just is one giant fucking hole. i was, am, and will be nothing, not even enough to earn the use of “I” at the beginning of the sentence. dinner is in 15 minutes. my friends will be there. im paralyzed. i belive every word i wrote above so why

would i inflict myself upon them but i 

i cant not

i so deeply want to

to go sit in uncharacteristic silence and hope somebnody notices and asks me whats up so i can give them a dumb, abridged, mostly fake version and get the sad pity looks and then feel bad about exploiting them and then

rinse

repeat

because i am not a person

[survivordivergent]

EPISODE 6 - “I  REALLY THOUGHT I WAS THE SHITTIEST CHARACTER ACTOR IN THIS BITCH” - MELISSA

Ps. Lucy I'm sorry for my last few confessionals you were true and honest <3 I'm coming for you next chance I get though <3

Okay so I'm back with ALL of Candor. Was this on purpose? Do I know? I bet the hosts are cackling. I think we're probably going to be targeted - I'm not going to tell people about my alliance with Ed and Peter, but I think a good F3 with us three is a good idea?

Ok Lake never responded to me Ugly ass Current mood

?????????????????????????????????????????????????????? SDL;KLJHDFHLKS;JFSKFDLGKDSJG ;SDK????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????// LMFAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ive gotten votes @ every tribal ive gone too still I hate this game?

4 Candor. 1 Abnegation. 1 Amity. 1 Dauntless. THIS BLATANT TARGET ON THE CANDOR i CAN'T

I love the strat for this challenge because it's basically never attack because nothing good comes of it

Omg so much has happened.

No one was telling me the vote so I voted Otto but the vote ended up being Riley.

The twist was Riley was voted on to the other tribe and got to bring 2 people with them and they brought me and Kyle. I was very confused.

I also found out Jill was lying to me about the dauntless idol because I asked for it on the new tribe and was told it was gone.

I literally have no words. I did what I wanted to do and it completely screwed me over and now :) I have new people in my camp! Three of them. Literally nothing changed this week, except now Ed hates me and I'm pretty sure Payton is going right back to his side again. It fucking sucks.

It's like... I won my first immunity EVER. And like that, it's gone. A simple miscalculation, but I stayed upbeat and positive about it. So then I tried to work on flipping the vote the way I wanted without immunity, and I made it happen. I built the house of cards, and just when it reaches the ceiling, everything comes tumbling right back down in front of me because the biggest move I could've made ultimately was done in vain. We could have fucking voted off Lucy and lost nothing of value because she was bound to flip anyways. I could have just kept the idol a secret and done nothing about it and worked hard at keeping my mouth shut, but I didn't. I wish I had been blindsided instead and actually left the game because this sucks right now. I guess I'm just being a sore loser though.

So now, I have to rebuild everything. I gave up the stupid spanish name shit I was doing because it's not like anyone attempted to remember the names. I also need to start working really hard on being able to string the Seis tribe members together again because we absolutely cannot flip on each other right now. I like them all and I know that since I was completely behind the entire vote last round, I'm the next to go, and that's really fucking scary. I don't have that idol's protection anymore, and I literally deserved this. Fuck my life.

I'm not going to give up completely yet, but yeah I'm pretty much on low battery right now because this could not have been the worst situation to ever happen to me. So much for that _legendary_ idol play.

I miss my old tribe. Tell Ed I miss him btw

Messiness. I know Dani and Geo see Ed as a threat, but Ed made a BRILLIANT decision in bringing Peter over - he said we're outcasts, so we get a fresh start. I'm so happy he didn't go home, even though this makes us targets now.

????? KSVSKSHDJD IM FLIPPING!

battle royale! idr the stupid strategy um???? also me vs lake lmfao i don't wanna tell my tribe to do that (idk if theyve figured it out or not i haven't gone into that skype) *i don't wanna tell them to do that bc that might reveal that i'm me

I am so shook at how much Payton is just being Logan, like I really thought I was the shittiest character actor in this bitch. But like they're posting pictures of themself in the damn tribe chat, talking about Survivor Congo like it's super relevant to the community at large, I'm laughing. When the first tribe swap happened and Eliza and Jill were talking about someone who created a pregnant character, I was like WOW SUCH DEDICATION but now no. It's just Logan. Being Logan. I love them so much jgkglhsg

Dear Tumblr Survivor gods,

Please let Lucy rally with OldFour on NuSeis tribe to vote Dani and Geo out so I don't have to. Amen.

-Payton

Okay so, we had to do this individual immunity ranking our tribe mates on who we wanted to win the challenge. That's a super tricky one to win, because the more people who pick you, the more likeable you are, and in this game, likeability is a threat. I was voted out of Agrabah because I was too likeable. Well looky here, guess who wins this challenge. I mean, mark it down as my first individual win this season? But honestly, does it count if nobody is actually voted out? Fast forward to me, Melissa, Kyle and Jill trying to get Riley out for various reason. The vote is 4-3 between Riley and Otto with Riley getting the boot... or does she? Turns out this was just a clever tribe swap. Riley went to Six and took Kyle, one of my closest allies, and Lake, who was willing to give me the Abnegation idol, if that's how it worked. We get Ed, Payton, and Peter added to Four. UGH. Okay so ALL of Candor is back together, and not only that, we are the last faction intact. HELLO MERGE! COME SLAUGHTER US. I'm also not too happy about having Payton back bc I'm too certain it's Jaiden, and Jaiden is a dangerous player. Payton told me and Jill separately that they knew where all the votes were going and blah blah and I'm like, you gotta go. I shared this info with Melissa who agrees. I really like Ed. He reminds me of Drew and I love talking to him. Ed ain't going anywhere. I'm very weary of having Payton here and I want her out asap. I talked to Melissa and we agree to just keep talking to them and making everyone seem comfortable. Melissa knows I'm not interested in a Candor alliance. Jill on the other hand, I don't know what she wants. We are close enough that we share idol clues and I know that she has the Dauntless idol, but I don't know, she seems like she may want a Candor alliance, and I really don't. That's also a tricky line to balance on. I'm in an alliance with both Melissa and Jill, but each of them thinks they are my #1 (at least that's what it seems like). I talk to them more in pm's than I do in the alliance chat, and neither of them knows that I'm working with the other to find the Erudite clue. I'm really hoping I don't get caught or have to choose one over the other yet. Ahh this confessional is super long, but we are working on a selfie scavenger hunt which is always fun, and I'm still trying to find this damn Erudite idol so SHOUT OUT to Jenna!! Til next time (heart)

[7:51:31 PM] jaiden (arctic circle host): I'm honestly in such a bad mood and I want to bitch about it but I cant because I want to talk about how frickin emo I am over last tribal council and losing reward and losing my immunity and everything [7:51:59 PM] jaiden (arctic circle host): like its been a really shitty few days on top of all of that and I want to talk to ppl about it but they wouldn't understand giuefsoda [7:52:15 PM] Jenna: <3 that sucks

I'm self-evicting.

HOLY SHIT WE DID THAT. IMMUNITY #6 151-76. Anywayyyyy. I'm glad, because literally half of our tribe did... um. NOTHING!? I would love to make an alliance with Melissa right now. She seems like she's got her head on... We'll see. I'm so happy to have Ed though, you don't understand, and I trust him 100%. We'll see if I'm willing to take Peter to the end? I know I could beat him, but holy hell that'd be an easy win and a hell of a job to take to the end. I know Ed and I can do it, if one of us could find an idol. I can't wait. I'm going to win this.

We lost immunity because my tribe sucks.

So I went to the original Six tribe people and said I'm fine voting off Riley because they're inactive. But Daniella wants to make a move and take out Lucy or Percy which I'm totally fine with.

But then she starts talking about the sesoson I'm (trevor) hosting and said.  "trevor scares me though like he just seems so strict and i want to run away from him every single day. but the cast is good and i cant believe ting ting is winning the whole thing??" And then "i asked trevor a question once and he ignored me and i was really scared but we have a ton of mutual friends and they all say the same thing"

Yikes!! I wanna know who this is I don't ignore people.  I guess people see me as mean.

Anyway I'm gonna try and get Lucy out.

I honestly don't know what's going to happen tomorrow. I think I'm very likely to be blindsided tomorrow because I feel oddly tranquil about everything going down. Lake and I are talking and we were originally insistent on voting out Riley, but then I tried to suggest that I'd rather vote off an old Six instead of Riley so they at least have their numbers going forward. Percy is the prime candidate to get voted out now, with Lucy following right behind him, because Percy is a super huge social threat in my opinion. He's been super under the radar and he hasn't had to pick a side quite yet, which is usually what indicates that he's comfortable, too.

Percy has gotten zero blood on his hands so far, while Lucy, Geo, and myself have all been caught dabbling in that big move last tribal council. Peter might be brought in by Payton and Ed, and they'll expose me for all of the dirt that I had to dig up on Peter himself just to make sure he got all the votes and I could accurately play that idol last round. I'm going into the next battle completely empty-handed because I'm sure the Abnegation idol was swooped right back up again by someone else, and now I've got nothing left as a shield if I feel the necessity to save myself.

I like him as a person and all, but he needs to go. This vote needs to happen as carefully as possible if it's going to work out, because Percy is a very strong competitor and I think he has enough ties to save himself if the vote happens to swing in his direction. While making this move, I want to finally pull together Kyle, Lake, myself, Geo, and Lucy and form some sort of alliance going forward. Although we're sparing Riley, they haven't been super reliable and I think it's best if they just get medevaced next round or something.

One thing that worries me is that I'm seriously over-playing at this point, but it feels really necessary to do that because literally no one else is talking right now. They're all kind of like, easy to manipulate their votes I guess. It's not hard for me to persuade them to do something other than Riley, but maybe they just want to keep their numbers up going forward.

An idea I have is to just let them think that voting off Percy is their idea, not mine, while still planting the seed (and also watering it) in their mind that he needs to be the one to go. I want them to feel responsible for it instead of think it was a group effort. They just made a chat together and now we have the opportunity to discuss. If I spill tea that Percy has a ton of connections, then maybe they'll go after Percy. But I also need to make it seem like I would prefer Geo or Lucy as well, because they're both dead weight when it comes to making alliances later on, which is also true.

Kyle, Lake, and I need to stick together and I wanna continue to foster this trio we've got going on because I'll take whatever I can get. I need to figure out what Percy is thinking too, but also manage to convince them to turn on Geo or Lucy as well so they're not voting my way or Riley's way with an idol, which would totally suck ass.

This really was a best-case scenario for me.

A comp like a scavenger hunt is my bread and butter. Clearly, others on my tribe share the same affinity for them. We CRUSHED. MVP efforts all around! (Except Peter, Otto and Jill [did Jill end up doing anything?] Whatever. A parenthetical in a parenthetical is weird.)

Anyway, this is exactly what I needed. A chance to avoid tribal council, a chance to get in my tribe's good graces, and a chance to further bond with the tribe to try and stop it from sticking to tribal lines.

Oh, and another chance to find that idol. Which is being super frustrating. I'd expect the new clue to refer to the /ahs on the main blog, but putting that as a page on any of the subsequent blogs is giving me jack shit. It's frustrating because the new clue I got clearly points to that very first clue, and there's no real place to go to try that stuff.

"Perhaps this is the start you needed all along." This has to mean something, right? I've gotten two clues on this one blog since getting its password:

Clue 4: you are not looking for a blog page on this blog, but rather a blog page on one of the previous blogs you have been to

Clue 4/1: When considering this clue you may want to look back at the first ever clue you were given. Perhaps this is the start you needed all along

I'd figured out the first one already, so that clue wasn't super helpful. The second... using that in conjunction with this line from the blog:

"You also perhaps might only know the way when you look center from the start. "

...that tells me it's probably something in the middle of the main blog page. But it's not 'survivordivergent'. It's not 'hosts', which would be the center element from the starting clue. It's not 'h', since the first clue was just the starting letters of the words. It's not 'onechoicecantransformyou' which is kinda centered and stands out because of the bold. Not 'iwillbecomesomethingelse' which, since it's the tag for the season, is pretty much always centered. It's not 'confessionals' which... okay now I'm just getting desperate.

I feel like I'm missing something huge and, because of it, the idol's been gone for weeks. My only hope is that we win the reward and our lovely, insanely talented and smart and gorgeous and kind hosts (am I laying it on too thick?) take pity on this dumbass and give me the answer.

I think the plan's changed tonight. Geo came on and found out about the plan to get out Percy and he made quick work with changing the plan around to Kyle or Lake instead. I guess I don't really see the point in that, because Percy is the only person we're certain of not having any blood on his hands with the old Six tribe, and now he's going to be able to rebound into their numbers later on at a merge. Kyle is doing really good at keeping his head down but I guess the price he has to pay is getting his name brought right up to the top, because that's who I convinced Geo to vote for tonight. I don't want to lose Lake this early because I really like that guy, but damn Geo doesn't want to move on Percy quite yet.

I really stress about tonight only because I'm going to have to recover a significant amount regardless of what decision I make. I've made promises to two people now, and I don't want to break either promise. The best I could do is throw my vote to Riley and let Kyle go home, or I could vote for Percy and tie it up.

If Riley self-votes tonight, they're getting medevaced after tribal. Lake will literally be down to himself and have no one else to lean on afterwards. He's going to be on the bottom again.

Kyle is a threat, but so is Percy. They're threats in the exact same way, because they're totally unpredictable. Kyle might just stick around with me if I keep him, and I still feel really uncertain about Percy...

I'm waiting until the very last minute to vote. If Riley comes online and makes a decision, I'll see what I can do with that. But if not, I can't let the vote go to a tie, so I have no other options but to vote off Kyle. Rip me.

Okay so i have a confession to make

after the break i didnt get messages, until daniela was the only one who came to me and told me everything that happened, paytons connections, eds idol, the backstabbery, her idol. whether everything besides her idol is true or not, we'll see afterwards, but shes' become my number two even though earlier i mightve said she might have to leave? we came up with a bunch of schemes and plots until before tribal we decided to use her idol on peter to save him as he gets majority and then use our two votes to get ed out. but  i knew it was going to be an australian swap instead, in the back of my mind ofcourse

my tribe now has lake, kyle and riley instead of ed, payton and peter

i havent been on much recently, mostly because of laziness <.< but dani has caught me up on what happened, originally it was planned to be percy from almost everybody, even dani and lucy, but luckily i was able to put their heads in the right place and convinced them to vote out kyle instead as riley is probably getting medevaced and hes a threat, percy is voting kyle too. thats all if theyre b eing honest to me.

i thought i was going to get votes, but apparently not and im shocked at that since i honestly lowkey did want to, my hearts not that much into the game and i just feel like its going to take my mind away from my studies (and netflix <.<) so so sorry hosts about this and competitors, ofcourse, im not telling people about this and im not quitting, im going to keep chuggin along until the others decide to get rid of me to see how far i can go. i still feel like i could be voted out instead as everyone has been orking to get rid of me all along and lying to me but we'll see,

i dont want to seem like im controlling when ive been here for like anhour but thats whats best for us long term, my plan is to seem like someones subordinate which i think im doing since people know i did what dani told me to do

It's weird going into tribal without chaos, so I kind of feel like I'm getting blindsided tonight. If that's the case, awesome. :| I'm expecting to go home at this point because suddenly everyone is so... relaxed I guess, I don't know. This stinks.

http://prntscr.com/ef8mbo

What did I even do to warrant this i'm yelling WAIT IS THIS FOR "STEALING THAT IMMUNITY FROM HER" I'm gonna punch someone if it is that's so stupid dslkfs